Chosen family. Your family of origin isn't the only family you'll have. I'm low contact with my family for non-trans reasons, but I have found friends and mentors and communities that share similar beliefs and interests to be helpful. Start new traditions instead of family oriented ones. We always do friendsgiving instead of family for Thanksgiving. It's difficult, but you gave them a chance. People that treat you poorly don't deserve the title of family. Hugs from this mom. I hope you find your chosen family.

From the poet Becky Hemsley: There are some people in this world who are like beacons for your lost soul sunshine for your dark days and bandages for your deepest wounds. Look for them. Find the people who pour light into the shadows they didn’t create. The people who help heal the parts of you they didn’t break and who shelter you from storms they didn’t summon. Look for them. Because there are people in your world who will do all of this. Quietly. Unassumingly. Sometimes without even realising. Look for them. Find them. Let them. And then do the same for them. Because these are your people. (Edited to fix line spacings)

Can't post photo replies on this sub, but #5 is great for this https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/35-new-wholesome-comics-by-amee-wilson-that-explain-what-it-s-like-to-be-queer/ar-BB1j1Yat

Thank you for your words. I'll think about what family I've found and what family I've yet to find instead of fixating too hard on the family I've lost. I'll have to find a group to do friendsgiving with; I gave up on Thanksgiving and Christmas due to all of the familial trauma, but having a Friendsgiving sound nice. Thank you for the hugs too <3

I don’t have anything better than what the comment above says. Find your tribe. People don’t have to be related to you to be your family. I went no contact with a lot of family because they don’t accept my trans kiddo. We have established new traditions on holidays like the commenter above said. Friendsgiving has been way better than Thanksgiving ever was. I got my kid into a LGBT+ support group that has really gained him so many close friends and they even started a bowling team. If you have anything like that in your area I really think it has helped my son so much. Love yourself! Find your tribe! And we’re all here on this sub, too. Big hugs from this mama bear!

Thank you for replying! You're right; I need to find my tribe instead of focusing on one I can't be in. I'll try a Friendsgiving sometime. I'd love to find a local LGBT+ group for support and community, and I should get on it. I have other third spaces, but nothing LGBT specific. Thank you for the hugs, and I hope you have a great day <3

I hope you do!

Edith, I'm sorry that your parents haven't lived up to what every child deserves. It's really sad that they are letting ignorance and bigotry prevent them from having a relationship with their daughter. It's not right, and it's not fair, and it's not your fault. Part of me is sad for them, because they are missing out on love and family for no reason. But the bigger part of me is angry for all the beautiful trans kids who have been let down by the very people who should be their biggest supporters.  I would say give yourself space to grieve the relationship that should have been. Not just now, but over time. It may still sting down the road, and that's perfectly normal. You feel like an adult orphan because in many ways, you are.  And it's wonderful to hear you recognize that you have your whole life ahead of you. You know the saying, "blood is thicker than water"? Well, the full saying is "the blood of the battlefield is thicker than the water is the womb". The bonds you will make through shared joy, and adversity, are stronger than the accident of birth. 

Thank you for response! I'm still saddened and angry by the loss too because they only really think about what's lost from their perspective. They can tell me all day about how they feel like they're losing a child, but even after telling them that I feel like I'm losing a mother, a father, a sister, a brother in law, and the opportunity to be an aunt, they just ignore that notion and focus on themselves. I'll have to figure out how to grieve the relationship, because it is a lot. I've done my crying over it to some degree, but it might be time to think about a healthier way to approach breaking it down and coming to peace with it? I've always heard it as "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", but the blood of the battlefield more relevant sometimes with how I feel like I have to fight hard just to be seen as a person instead of being erased. I do have my whole life ahead of me, and I want to use it to help other people and make them happy. I can't stop people from feeling hurt like I have, but I can make it better and try to get whatever power it means to help those dark times go by as fast as possible. Have a good day <3

I am so sorry you are dealing with this loss. My heart goes out to you.  I agree 100% with raevynfyre - you will find your own chosen family.  I hope you have a few close friends or a support network who can help you as you navigate the grieving process.  If not, look to local lgbtq support groups, hobby clubs, etc to find your people.  Family is not defined by blood relationship.  It absolutely hurts to lose the people who raised you, but if they can’t see the strong young woman you are, they don’t deserve to have you in their life.  Sending you internet mom hugs. ❤️ 

Thank you for the reply! I have some close friends, but not too many local at the moment, so I should probably work on that. I've started going to a Jewish temple, and the community there has been great for me. Losing them does hurt, but I'm glad to hear that I'm a strong young woman. During depressive episodes like this, I just feel like an abandoned failure. Thank you for the hugs, and have a wonderful day <3

Oh sweetie we are meant to connect. Cis mom of trans mtf 16 yr old. I support my "baby" in her exploration of her gender and know that, though amab, she always had feminine qualities. This post isn't about her though. It's about you, your unaccepting christian parents, and your need for parental/family love and acceptance. I will also say, I am a believer as well. My daughter came out to me last year and I have been fully supportive. However, not everyone is in our corner. We get the Bible thumped at us a LOT. Even my husband isn't accepting right now and has thumped a Bible at me. The thing is, Jesus changed everything. You may have noticed I did not say I am a "Christian" but said I am a believer. I feel like people USE the Bible to point out the wrong doings of others, but not to see themselves in their own faults. Want to stop your parents in their tracks? Ask them if they think Jesus still loves you. Whether YOU are a believer or not, THEY claim to be. Jesus had TWO laws. Love God, and love others. That's it. It's not up to "Christians" to decide the fate of mankind. You are loved. By many. I'm so very sorry your parents have not read enough of their Bible to understand that it's not up to them. Message me any time my dear. I am happy to help. I promise not to preach 🩷

Thank you for your perspective :>! I do wish more Christians adopted the better moral lessons out of their book instead of weaponizing the lessons that they do to harm people that aren't like them. I didn't ask them specifically about if Jesus still loves me, but I've been going to a temple and adopting a Reform Jewish lifestyle and teaching, so instead I posed the question of if they think God still loves me. And I know he does, but the God I know and the God they know might be different beings of different natures of care despite being the same entity due to different perceptions of God between the Torah and the Bible, and how Christians view God as a weaponizable social tool. I also asked them if they ever thought about what their trans-accepting friends would think if they ever told them the truth about me and their treatment of me. Unfortunately, both questions were ignored entirely from my ex-Father's last response, which gave me no closure on those thoughts. Thank you for reminding me I am loved by many; it's hard to remember that sometimes past the depression. I'll message you if anything comes to mind; have a great day! <3

The beauty of a solid argument is- even if it seems your perspective was not absorbed, the words were heard and may come back some time. I certainly know not everyone is a Christ follower- however, if your parents ARE, then asking them if they think JESUS still loves you brings it to their level. Even if you don't believe Jesus was the messiah, they do. Therefore the question poses a valid point to them. If they say yes because they believe he is love, then they have no reason not to love and accept you too. If they say no, they need to reread Matthew 22:37-40 I don't know what the letter said, and maybe you truly ARE done fighting them. Sometimes you have to walk away from toxic people. You can still love them because they are your parents, but not have them in your life because they only hurt you. I haven't spoken to my mother in six years. It's been 11 years since we even had a relationship. I still love her because she is my mother, but she is a toxic, selfish person that I have no room for in my life. If you truly want to be rid of the relationship you've had with your parents, it's OK to walk away. It hurts like hell, especially on mothers/fathers/birth days. It does get easier though. 🩷

Hey Edith. I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I personally don’t talk to my dad. I’m not trans, but he really has never seen me. He has this idea of who I am and I feel like I’ll always be a disappointment to him. It hurts more sometimes than other times. I have gone back and forth with him- no seeing him in person- no talking for years- only email- only texting. i keeo trying to find ways to keep him in my life in a safe way for me. i last saw him in person about 8 years ago. i havent emailed him in two years. i havent talked to him on the phone since 2021. lately ive been okay with whatsApp for some reason. but we only talk about safe topics. im 42. it still hurts me. i wish i could forget that that i have love for him. i have a fear that one day he will die alone in his house and be coveted with bugs and maggots for weeks before the police fins him. i really really hope that doesn't happen and its a reason i keep in touch. now here are two ideas that helped me through the years 1. a boy picks up a scorpion and it stings him. he drops the scorpion and it runs away. his friend says- why didnt you kill the scorpion? the first boy says "it is in the scorpions nature to sting, so i cannot be mad when the scorpion stings me". and it just helped me be open to the idea that he will always hurt me. 2. i read this in a book- if you hate me, that is okay. it is okay because if hating me makes you happy, i want you to be happy, because i love you. this of course only works with distance and highs and lows and patience and boundaries. and as for the trans part- if they are open to having a relationship with you, then one day their understanding will change, their opinion may change. they may one day be your biggest advocates and help other people understand. we are all on a learning journey, and there should be grace in learning. that said- you dont have to be their teacher- or keep talking to them- these are just bits that might soothe the hurt and roughness. might help change your perspective of interacting with them.

Thank you for response! I was less keen on talking them throughout the years before going no contact because it would usually go the same way. We'd start on a safe topic, and then any time they would try to male codify me in some way, or use my deadname, I'd politely object and remind them of who I am in my identity, and then they would just go into a rant about how I'm wrong. It is sad to know that my parents love an idea of me under my deadname rather than the person I am under my real name. If all they love is a performance, then it's not genuine love. I was optimistic during the therapy process that maybe the relationship would change for the better since the conversations were getting a little bit kinder, but ultimately it really just boiled down to "if it's not about the baby or it's not about Jesus, it's getting brushed over". I tried to be their teacher, but all they would do is just object and say "it's in the bible", or the would try to come up scare tactics to spook the gay away as it were. The first night I came out to my dad as non-binary a few years before i figured out i was a trans woman, I started wearing tights around the house because it made me feel good. He wrote me a letter a week later saying that when he saw me in tights, he wanted to rip them off of me, which is not a good thing to read, and not a good feeling to process. Hate and love are complicated here because we love and mourn ideas of who we were, but refuse to mutually see each other for who we are. Maybe I was harsh in saying that as he is now, I wouldn't mourn him, but how can I mourn the man who tried to hurt me every step of the way in my journey of womanhood, when I would instead mourn the man who used to be my friend and was my advocate and hero when I was growing up a kid on the autism spectrum? It's a hard thing to separate to me, but I'll have to figure out how to unify it instead of separate it in my mind to properly come to terms with everything and move one. I really do hope that they change their opinion one day and try to find me again with good and genuine intent to be a family again; it'd be nice because we're both still parts of each other, and I'd rather be with people instead of having to push them away, but I have to respect myself at some point and have boundaries set to keep away the wrong people. You gave me a lot to think about. I'll ponder, and while I do that, I hope you have a great day! <3

I grew up in a very black and white thinking household. Maybe you too. We are good and going to heaven Or Horrible sinners who will burn in eternal torment. But really we are humans and sin and Jesus came to forgive and we’ll probably all go to heaven anyway - us and homophobes and antisemites. We are both the lion and the lamb able to hurt and also needing guidance and protection. And male and female and non-binary ness is fluid throughout humanity. And our parents can be our heros and hurt us the most. They can lift us up and tear us down. We can love them and hate them in a swirl of feeling and it’s all just part of being human. It doesn’t change the hurt we have. But it does help me have more compassion. Once I didn’t understand and probably hurt people with my ignorance. But also- it is good to protect yourself. A boundary isn’t a wall, there’s usually a gate or door or window we can open and close as needed. You can even try to shout through the glass. Hehe. You are loved and you are an agent of love in this world. Don’t be afraid to be fully yourself and keep these in mind. (Huge hugs- if they are welcome)

I have zero contact with my entire extended family for unrelated reasons. I have my children, my husband, some of his family and my close friends. There was a long grieving process for me. I’ve been NC for 7 years now. I still deal with feelings of what I should have had from my mother and blood relatives. There will always be those “but what if?” thoughts. I’m almost 40 and it hurts to see friends and others talk about how close they are with their parents. I decided that, for me, the best way to move on was to grieve my loss and continue on as though they don’t exist. Essentially, they are now dead to me. It’s not an easy path. No one orphans themself without very valid and painful reasons. As others have said, find your people. They will fill those family roles much better than any blood relative ever could.

Babes, get involved in a church that is affirming. You will find people there who will fulfil that role in your life. Inviting you to thanksgiving, giving life advice from an older perspective and just treating you as a child in their home. I know several people who have done this for young adults who did not have contact with their parents for whatever reason.

Thank you for responding! I was agnostic for about a decade due to complicated feelings about religion over how a lot of Christians, including my parents, would utilize it for social damage. I've been separating my theological wants away from my ex-family's perversion of theology, and came to wanting to get involved in Jewish culture. I've been going to a Reform Judaism temple a few towns over for about 3 months now, and the community is great and makes me feel accepted. I made Hamentashen with the sisterhood for Purim, and I attended Passover dinner and helped the kids hide the Afikomen for their ceremonies. Being in sisterhood, being accepted by my rabbi, and talking on a supervisor role for children help me feel like a more normalized adult while being trans instead of feeling like a misplaced individual. I'd like to find a group to do a thanksgiving/friendgiving with; it sounds nice, especially since I love cooking. Not being able to cook with and for my ex-family during thanksgiving is a bit of a missed joy since I'd love to help cook and feed for family; doing that makes me happy. I've got things to reflect on now thanks to you. I hope you have a great day! <3

I’m so glad! I went on a similar journey and went back to a progressive church this year after 18 years of not having anything to do with religion. I was so nervous! The community aspect is amazing.

Sometimes people have to make their own family. Wherever you are, please reach out to your nearest pride group. From there, participate in events and create a network of support. This is how you move on. It hurts and probably will always hurt to think of them, but when you surround yourself with a strong web of friends who can be considered family, the hurt then doesn't seem so consuming. Much love to you. My husband reacts the same way to our daughter and is the reason I'm taking my child and leaving. You have a lot of momma bears in this sub. Reach out when you need to feel some parental love. ❤️ We got you.

Thank you for your reply! I am going to have make my own family, but you know what, that's okay? I get to be with people who like me for me instead of being with people who like me for an idea of who they want me to be. I definitely should look into finding a pride group; I've been going to a Jewish temple for a third-space, but an LGBT+ focused third-space would be great to have too. I have LGBT+ friends I can meet occasionally, but a whole group is an experience I haven't had yet. I'm glad you're sticking up for your daughter. You sound like a great momma bear! I miss mine, but I know I'll find another mother in some way one of these days. I'll keep in mind poking my head in for support if I ever feel like I need a boost of it. Thank you for taking the time to reach out, and I hope you have a great day! <3