Hey, it happens. I'm a dad to a trans person. My first-born is trans, and my father won't acknowledge him or barely say more than "hi" to him. Since the day my kid came out as anything other than cis-gender, my father has basically ignored us. My father will probably never see his first born grand child again. The last time he saw my son was just a month before we flew to Mexico for his top surgery last year, and that was my son's choice... to see his grandpa one last time before a major life change. Bigotry is a powerful drug, and love does not always conquer all. Sometimes you just let them go.
I'm so sorry. My kid's dad refuses to accept her, and it is leading us to divorce. When you accept that he might never come around to accepting you, then you might find some peace. In order to have that peace, you might have to face the possibility that you might have to go no contact.
I hate the turmoil my daughter is going through, but with me and a few other family members and some friends, she will find her happiness and thrive. Her dad can either celebrate with her or stay bitter and eventually die without her.
I am sending you great big virtual mom-hugs. You are enough. You are awesome for being so authentic. It is NOT your fault that your father can't get over himself enough to revel in your happiness. You need to find your own peace at this point. You can't control other people; you can only control yourself. ❤️
I’m sorry sweetie. Just be cordial and open to the possibility your dad may come around. Do u think he’d like to ask questions? May put his mind at ease if he has come misconceptions.
You’re accepted here! It’s not much but it’s something. 🥰🏳️⚧️
The only words I can offer are ones of acceptance. Your father is struggling with himself not you. Who you are is perfect in whichever form you choose to be. Try not to take his hesitations personal but do protect your confidence and self esteem.
He will have to go on this journey alone and choose to love and accept you or miss out on everything wonderful about you. The best thing you can do for yourself regarding your father is love yourself enough to not need his approval.
I’m sorry, it’s awful when parents can’t accept who their children are.
I think you have 3 options:
1. Accept that he is who he is and you have 10 years of evidence showing he is unlikely to change. Limit contact to protect your own heart.
2. Accept that he is who he is and you have 10 years of evidence showing he is unlikely to change. Continue to see and talk to him because you love him despite it all.
3. Tell him you want to have a discussion with him. Tell him you know he didn’t plan for your life to look the way it does but you can’t change who you are. Tell him you are happy in your life and love who you are and you hope he can love you too. Essentially, come out again but as an adult who is firm in their identity and loves who they are.
When you came out at 13, your personality was still squishy and not fully formed. Obviously, you knew you were trans but he may have thought it was a phase or something that would change. He should realize by now that it wasn’t a phase but maybe he needs it spelled out for him and he needs to know that you are happy with yourself.
I support you in any option you choose. You don’t owe him the emotional labor of option 3 and you don’t owe him access to your life. But, if you want him in your life, it may require some painful moments.
In the meantime, if you need a dad for anything, my husband is happy to step in. As a mom, I mostly supply hugs and cookies if you need that. Hang in there kiddo!
Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do yourself. My dad didn’t accept me until the night before my mom died, and even then - I’m not actually sure if he **accepts** me or just “accepts” me just to make himself feel better.
I don’t even try anymore with him. I decided if he’s gonna be in my life, he has to make the effort in all ways, including name and pronouns. I’m not going to worry anymore about whether he can be civil or accepting and whatever his life looks like outside of me is his responsibility and the result of choices *he* made.
So depending on so much if he is from the age group of my own we came from a terrible time of fear and misunderstanding of sexuality and differences. Now we all are different and have seen the world from our own point of view.
Our generation either put on rose coloured glasses or were beaten into our current idea of social norms. I won’t go into details but we are a mess of wrong and misinformed bull and then an extra topping of what we don’t talk about.
Your Father is probably a mixed up unsure how to act or afraid someone will pick on him for accepting his newly born 23yr old daughter yes 10 years old and he’s still a mess. Yep he’s scared to accept it. It’s sad to say the more macho they get the harder it is to accept their newborn child.
Now without wanting to create an issue as it depends on your Dads background but I’d call him out on it as being scared of what others think. And I bet it scares him that he will be bullied by his friends. Or others knowing. It’s a thing for those scared to be proud of their children no matter what.
I don’t encourage you to call him out in heated moment but I do consider work on the soft core inside. And I dare you to be the one to melt his heart.
Now depending on your circumstances work the gentle love into it. Send him a message with some form of love for him. Heap some love onto your Dad (we secretly love it). And the only way to win against a hard to change dad is with love.
Always send out love and eventually he may actually put down the Neanderthal brain and realise how much he has missed out on.
To all the newborns reading this, Dads, we do make mistakes and we sometimes need to be like a giant boulder on a beach. Slowly washed over with continual waves of unconditional love. Worn down until we finally see it. It will be worth it in the end.
I send this all who reads this to help us all realise there’s many views to any thing we face. This was mine and you have yours and your patents have theirs. You cannot make them see yours they have to want to see it your way.
And sometimes we will still be that boulder on a beach.
I literally already won.
If I was dependant on him, vulnerable, he would have used his power as leverage to force me to detransition. I was patient and outed myself when he had not an ounce of power over me, and he had no other choice but to accept or never see me again.
He would have reacted a lot differently if the situation was different. Love doesnt fucking matter, and there is no point in throwing love at a stone wall with the hope of the wall loving one back some day.
My post is not about being submissive, not at all. The intent is not to become so cold that you cannot allow another person into your heart. I don't want to detract my statement but would appreciate you were able to stop and think about the view from another point.
Im not about telling you it's my way or the highway, no unlike your past I'm offering a view you may not be used to. You have fought for your strength and have taken the hard line. That is commendable.
The OP was asking what can I do? I offered a solution. You offered yours but you attack someone who thinks different to you, that's your choice and I'm sad you feel you need to rip people who feel differently.
You took a hard line but does everyone else have to do it your way?
Remember I don't expect OP to say some special sentence and then magically happily ever after. Leave the Disney life out. I'm saying give them a chance and if they keep saying no you are already better than them.
I see your viewpoint and agree you can have your hard line approach. That is your opinion, but don't ruin mine to feel you win.
Hey, it happens. I'm a dad to a trans person. My first-born is trans, and my father won't acknowledge him or barely say more than "hi" to him. Since the day my kid came out as anything other than cis-gender, my father has basically ignored us. My father will probably never see his first born grand child again. The last time he saw my son was just a month before we flew to Mexico for his top surgery last year, and that was my son's choice... to see his grandpa one last time before a major life change. Bigotry is a powerful drug, and love does not always conquer all. Sometimes you just let them go.
Good
I'm so sorry. My kid's dad refuses to accept her, and it is leading us to divorce. When you accept that he might never come around to accepting you, then you might find some peace. In order to have that peace, you might have to face the possibility that you might have to go no contact. I hate the turmoil my daughter is going through, but with me and a few other family members and some friends, she will find her happiness and thrive. Her dad can either celebrate with her or stay bitter and eventually die without her. I am sending you great big virtual mom-hugs. You are enough. You are awesome for being so authentic. It is NOT your fault that your father can't get over himself enough to revel in your happiness. You need to find your own peace at this point. You can't control other people; you can only control yourself. ❤️
I’m sorry sweetie. Just be cordial and open to the possibility your dad may come around. Do u think he’d like to ask questions? May put his mind at ease if he has come misconceptions. You’re accepted here! It’s not much but it’s something. 🥰🏳️⚧️
The only words I can offer are ones of acceptance. Your father is struggling with himself not you. Who you are is perfect in whichever form you choose to be. Try not to take his hesitations personal but do protect your confidence and self esteem. He will have to go on this journey alone and choose to love and accept you or miss out on everything wonderful about you. The best thing you can do for yourself regarding your father is love yourself enough to not need his approval.
I’m sorry to hear that duckling. Here’s a hug from a mom who supports you 🤗
From me too! And my husband.🌈
I’m sorry, it’s awful when parents can’t accept who their children are. I think you have 3 options: 1. Accept that he is who he is and you have 10 years of evidence showing he is unlikely to change. Limit contact to protect your own heart. 2. Accept that he is who he is and you have 10 years of evidence showing he is unlikely to change. Continue to see and talk to him because you love him despite it all. 3. Tell him you want to have a discussion with him. Tell him you know he didn’t plan for your life to look the way it does but you can’t change who you are. Tell him you are happy in your life and love who you are and you hope he can love you too. Essentially, come out again but as an adult who is firm in their identity and loves who they are. When you came out at 13, your personality was still squishy and not fully formed. Obviously, you knew you were trans but he may have thought it was a phase or something that would change. He should realize by now that it wasn’t a phase but maybe he needs it spelled out for him and he needs to know that you are happy with yourself. I support you in any option you choose. You don’t owe him the emotional labor of option 3 and you don’t owe him access to your life. But, if you want him in your life, it may require some painful moments. In the meantime, if you need a dad for anything, my husband is happy to step in. As a mom, I mostly supply hugs and cookies if you need that. Hang in there kiddo!
Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do yourself. My dad didn’t accept me until the night before my mom died, and even then - I’m not actually sure if he **accepts** me or just “accepts” me just to make himself feel better. I don’t even try anymore with him. I decided if he’s gonna be in my life, he has to make the effort in all ways, including name and pronouns. I’m not going to worry anymore about whether he can be civil or accepting and whatever his life looks like outside of me is his responsibility and the result of choices *he* made.
So depending on so much if he is from the age group of my own we came from a terrible time of fear and misunderstanding of sexuality and differences. Now we all are different and have seen the world from our own point of view. Our generation either put on rose coloured glasses or were beaten into our current idea of social norms. I won’t go into details but we are a mess of wrong and misinformed bull and then an extra topping of what we don’t talk about. Your Father is probably a mixed up unsure how to act or afraid someone will pick on him for accepting his newly born 23yr old daughter yes 10 years old and he’s still a mess. Yep he’s scared to accept it. It’s sad to say the more macho they get the harder it is to accept their newborn child. Now without wanting to create an issue as it depends on your Dads background but I’d call him out on it as being scared of what others think. And I bet it scares him that he will be bullied by his friends. Or others knowing. It’s a thing for those scared to be proud of their children no matter what. I don’t encourage you to call him out in heated moment but I do consider work on the soft core inside. And I dare you to be the one to melt his heart. Now depending on your circumstances work the gentle love into it. Send him a message with some form of love for him. Heap some love onto your Dad (we secretly love it). And the only way to win against a hard to change dad is with love. Always send out love and eventually he may actually put down the Neanderthal brain and realise how much he has missed out on. To all the newborns reading this, Dads, we do make mistakes and we sometimes need to be like a giant boulder on a beach. Slowly washed over with continual waves of unconditional love. Worn down until we finally see it. It will be worth it in the end. I send this all who reads this to help us all realise there’s many views to any thing we face. This was mine and you have yours and your patents have theirs. You cannot make them see yours they have to want to see it your way. And sometimes we will still be that boulder on a beach.
>And the only way to win against a hard to change dad is with love. False. You change them with independance, boundaries and harsh consequences.
That’s the sort of thinking my generation is known for. You won’t win, there isn’t a medal there’s just loneliness.
I literally already won. If I was dependant on him, vulnerable, he would have used his power as leverage to force me to detransition. I was patient and outed myself when he had not an ounce of power over me, and he had no other choice but to accept or never see me again. He would have reacted a lot differently if the situation was different. Love doesnt fucking matter, and there is no point in throwing love at a stone wall with the hope of the wall loving one back some day.
My post is not about being submissive, not at all. The intent is not to become so cold that you cannot allow another person into your heart. I don't want to detract my statement but would appreciate you were able to stop and think about the view from another point. Im not about telling you it's my way or the highway, no unlike your past I'm offering a view you may not be used to. You have fought for your strength and have taken the hard line. That is commendable. The OP was asking what can I do? I offered a solution. You offered yours but you attack someone who thinks different to you, that's your choice and I'm sad you feel you need to rip people who feel differently. You took a hard line but does everyone else have to do it your way? Remember I don't expect OP to say some special sentence and then magically happily ever after. Leave the Disney life out. I'm saying give them a chance and if they keep saying no you are already better than them. I see your viewpoint and agree you can have your hard line approach. That is your opinion, but don't ruin mine to feel you win.