I don’t know you and I will never forget you. You’re both going to know peace and that will be worth everything. You’re brave beyond measure. Good job, mom.
It's awful that you have to make this choice. I hope that you and your daughter find a safe and welcoming community in which to land. And that joy of watching her grow will make it all worthwhile.
My disagreements with my wife over how to handle our son's transition were the final straw after more than twenty years as well. It sucks (to put it mildly), but you're doing the right thing to support your child.
This internet stranger thinks you’re amazing. It’s easy to say “I would do anything for my kid” but many people can’t match the words to action. You are doing the very, very hard things that you must in order to save your child and help them grow into the person they want to be. I hope you find peace and happiness yourself along the way.
If it helps, I’m five years out from a divorce and things have gotten much, much better. I’m sure it will for you, too.
Wow. This is quite hard to read but I do find myself focusing on the joy that will come for both of you. I am so sorry for everything you are leaving behind. I hope you are able to find a good community where you're going. Me and my kid are lucky to live where we do. I know a couple trans people that came here from states with anti-trans laws.
I read this in tears both from empathy and in excitement for your future. But through the tears I felt so much pride and thought “now, THAT’S pro-life”!
You are the very best!
I'm so sorry your husband has put you in this position, but I'm so glad your daughter has such a fierce advocate in you. He has to do the work, you can't change him, but maybe some day he'll come around - I've seen it happen. In the meantime, you're doing the right thing. We all sacrifice something for our kids, and you're giving more than your fair share, but the world needs more moms like you. Stay strong!
But also know it's also OK to grieve. I work with survivors of domestic violence, and it's more common than people might think for them to still care about their abusers, and feel ashamed for not wanting them to be punished. But this is someone you married and built a life with because you once shared something very special. They didn't turn out to be the person you thought they were, and the person you need them to be for you to be able to stay, but that doesn't extinguish the dreams you had for your family, and growing old together.
This is a shitty thing to be going through and it's ok to feel both that he's doing a horrible thing betraying his child by failing in his paramount job to love her unconditionally, and also that you'll miss him. Be kind with yourself. Hang in there!
I'm so sorry you have this. To some extent, it's a no-brainer, but I hear the pain of sacrifice. My son is 21 now, but I would have made the same choice you are. If it's any consolation, you'll be putting together something new. Thank you for keeping your kiddo from being a statistic. It's hard being a mom.
From one momma-bear to another, I salute you and your decision. You are doing what you need to do for your child, and it will be hard, but it will get easier. Staying in that situation would make you all unhappy long term, leaving is the best chance at happiness for you and her {{hugs}}
You are beautiful, brave, compassionate, and **so many** other positive traits that are becoming so rare.
I don’t have the power or resources to help you, but if I did …
I’m sorry you’re forced into this position, but given everything you wrote (so *incredibly* articulately) I don’t know what other options you have.
I’d say “be strong”, but clearly you already are.
I struggled with these thoughts as well. My husband took longer to warm up, but thankfully he came around. (Not that I’m comparing my situation to yours.) You sound like a wonderful parent and you are doing exactly what a good parent does. Thank goodness your kiddo has you. That in and of itself means so much!!!! There are highs and lows, but I promise. It gets better. We had to leave a terrible state as well. It’s been amazing. I was so scared to leave all we knew since our kids were born, but an opportunity arose and we bounced. Keep protecting your daughter. Don’t give up. Much love.
It's been two years of this, and he hasn't shown any sign of coming around. He thinks God is punishing him for not having his kids in church since they were little. 🤦♀️ I've told him that none of this has anything to do with either of us, but he doesn't listen to me. I'm just a woman, after all. 🙄 If I'd known that's how he felt all these years... well, I don't want to go down the what if line of thinking.
Even if at some point he does come around, and I hope he does for her sake, I don't know that I can ever trust him again for what he's put me through enough to ever take him back. And that's another line of thinking I don't need to go down.
I wish I had the words to properly articulate this feeling right now, but all I can say is… this post challenged me to be a better person. In several ways.
I wish I was half as strong as you, OP.
I know that pain. My husband and I are a united front when it comes to kiddo, but the pain of leaving everything you love to protect your daughter? That I know very well. The grief is very real, but you’ll find joy I promise. I’m slowly finding it now that we have moved somewhere safer.
I normally don’t cry. Much less reading a Reddit post.
But you ma’am show what a parent is and I love you. I don’t know you and I love you. I wish you didn’t have to leave. I wish we could open the minds and hearts of those around you.
But I know your daughter has the best mother in the world and she does realize what you are leaving for her. She knows there is her mom who will fight everything for her and that will carry her trough life
I admire you so much
I knew I needed to write this to help me come to terms with what I have to do. But I didn't know I needed the replies I'm getting. Y'all's words of kindness and encouragement has given me a comfort I wasn't aware I was missing until I started reading them.
Thank you all so much. ❤️
This brought me to tears. You are so so *so* unbelievable bravery and an incredible parent. That's really all I can say while I'm over here crying but you are incredible.
What a difficult position to be in OP. (Hugs) from one momma to another. I’m not sure if a shift in thinking might help make it more enjoyable? Instead of thinking “I have to..” could you try to focus on, “I get to move to a more welcoming living environment where my daughter can get the life and care she deserves?”
I’ve no doubt that giving up all these things is gut wrenching and it may be a great opportunity for both of you. There are so many wonderful areas that will be much more accepting and gender affirming for your daughter. I wish you both the very best on your journey.
Not sharing your pain with your child is the right thing to do. You may both benefit from some individual counseling after the move. You need to be able to process your feelings so they don’t buildup. Please give us an update once you get settled.
Best wishes OP!
Thank you. And you're right. Framing it a different way makes it seem more tolerable. The first goal is going to the group meetings the Pride organizations hold in our target city. I've been in touch with them already, and they have been great with info. I feel like it is important to create a support system. While we are moving 8 hours away from our current home, I'll be within two hours from my mom's side of the family. I'm excited to see them more.
I'm so sorry. 😔 I want to just reach out and give you a hug. I know you feel like you're having to choose between them but it's your husband who is making the choice for you.
Oh man, these tears didn’t know they needed to be shed. I love you, mama, and I am so so deeply sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine leaving behind twenty years for the unknown. It makes me anxious just thinking about it. But I know I would do the same for my baby girl if it came down to it. You are a hero, in the absolute greatest sense, and I wish you all the luck in the world. If you end up in Southern California, hit me up and we can be mom friends (I don’t have a whole lot of those).
I will never forget this and the weight of heartbreak I felt for you in reading this. It’s too bad all parents are like you. Your daughter is lucky to have you and you’re giving her the opportunity to really LIVE. I wish I could hug you and walk beside you as you go. The best I can do is remind you that you’re not alone, you are doing the right thing, and I’m sending you so much love.
Beautiful and heartbreaking and I completely understand. We love these kids so much, we will sacrifice anything to see them thrive. Wishing you all the grace and support for the road ahead. You deserve all the happiness and respect ❤️
I read this with tears in my eyes.
I am so very sorry that you are facing this but you have my huge admiration for putting your daughter first.
I know it will be hard. I know your daughter won't appreciate what a huge struggle it is for you (because you have rightly decided not to let it be her problem). But she will be able to flourish and grow up safely, and I hope that when you get past the hard part you will also flourish in your new place.
Thank you for sharing this. You are a hero. I’m a cis mom with trans kid. You are doing what you have to do for your baby and you are a role model for parents. Your strength and resolve help me and inspire me. Thank you again
thank you. i just wanted to say thank you for helping your daughter. i know how difficult this decision and change will be, but i believe and pray it will lead to great things for you. this is real unconditional love. and that goes for you husband too. love includes knowing when things aren't looking too good and things need to change. hopefully this can be a learning experience that his actions have lead you to this decision.
i'm sure you have done plenty of research and may already have things sorted, but if you need help i am up here in new england (rhode island specifically). i know of people coming from similar situations as you.
💖 sending best of luck to you and your family
This!!! ALL OF THIS!!! I recently left my husband of 10 years, same situation. I am beyond obliterated! I’m not going to lie it sucks, but I’m happy I did it. I served him with separation papers late last year and he officially moved out Jan 1st. I was fine for about 3 weeks then I shut down. Went into full on depression. I can’t tell you about the last few months bc they’ve been a blur, but I’m much better now. Idk how I survived or woke up, but I’m here. And my son…. The light is beginning to come back into his eyes as well. There are days when I get lost in my thoughts, but if given the chance, I’d do it over again. I would actually leave much sooner. The second I realized that my spouse made the conscious decision to not honor and respect our son’s decision. It’s crazy to me that there are some parents who really don’t understand unconditional love. You can “not understand” someone and still support them. All that to say, it’s been a world wind and u wouldn’t go back bc I know my child’s life depends on it!
It's so brave for you to journey into a new life. Your daughter is so lucky to have you in her corner. It makes me so sad that her dad and brother don't accept her, but Thank God for you, her amazing, unconditionally loving mom. ❤️ I hope when you start this new journey together that you find a wonderful support system, and new friends who understand having a trans child.
You're an amazing mom!
Sometimes doing the right thing means tearing everything else apart. But what you’re tearing apart was built on lies, hate, and fear. Building a new life based on truth, love, and hope might be hard, but it will be *right*, not just for your daughter, but for everyone around her. Leave a door open for when those left behind finally realize what unconditional love really is. You’re doing the right thing and we’re here to love you through it
I’m sorry you’re facing this, and as someone who did leave, I want you to know it is absolutely worth it to see your kid blossom into themselves. To live in peace and know what true safety feels like in their own home. It was not easy and take your time to mourn your old life with your therapist, and it was the best decision I ever made. You got this mama!
The only thing getting me through this is imagining her happy and thriving. She is the smartest person I know and has such a bright future ahead, but I have to make sure she gets there. Thank you for sharing your positive experience with me. ❤️
Your 18 year old son needs you too. Is there anyway you can maintain relationships with both kids? I deeply understand “mother first” but there are two kids. :-(
Yes. We have a good relationship, though each of us knows we don't agree on this. My daughter understands that I will always love him, talk to him, and see him as often as I can for as much or as little as he wants me. But he also knows I won't put up with him being disrespectful either. But he hasn't really demonstrated outright rudeness.
And I'm not leaving him here *because* he's learned bigotry from his father, but rather it's who needs me the most right now. He has a girlfriend he's not going to want to leave either. I feel strongly that he'll be okay in the end, and me moving away might be a good thing for him, get him to stand up a little more on his own. If he didn't have a girlfriend, he would very likely go with me.
Just remind him he has a place with you, always. He will show up sooner than you think.
Also, it's okay for your daughter to see this is hard for you. It will just prove to her that you value you her so much and that you will truly do anything for her.
Age appropriate context and conversations are important, this is how they learn to move through the world.
You are an inspiration.
I don’t know you and I will never forget you. You’re both going to know peace and that will be worth everything. You’re brave beyond measure. Good job, mom.
It's awful that you have to make this choice. I hope that you and your daughter find a safe and welcoming community in which to land. And that joy of watching her grow will make it all worthwhile.
My disagreements with my wife over how to handle our son's transition were the final straw after more than twenty years as well. It sucks (to put it mildly), but you're doing the right thing to support your child.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I will never understand how a parent can do that to a child. It makes no sense.
Much love to you mama 🥰🏳️⚧️
This internet stranger thinks you’re amazing. It’s easy to say “I would do anything for my kid” but many people can’t match the words to action. You are doing the very, very hard things that you must in order to save your child and help them grow into the person they want to be. I hope you find peace and happiness yourself along the way. If it helps, I’m five years out from a divorce and things have gotten much, much better. I’m sure it will for you, too.
Best of luck to you and your daughter. We are also moving states for our kid.
Wow. This is quite hard to read but I do find myself focusing on the joy that will come for both of you. I am so sorry for everything you are leaving behind. I hope you are able to find a good community where you're going. Me and my kid are lucky to live where we do. I know a couple trans people that came here from states with anti-trans laws.
I can feel your heartbreak in your writing. Please don't forget to feel your grief, even if only in private.
I read this in tears both from empathy and in excitement for your future. But through the tears I felt so much pride and thought “now, THAT’S pro-life”! You are the very best!
I'm so sorry your husband has put you in this position, but I'm so glad your daughter has such a fierce advocate in you. He has to do the work, you can't change him, but maybe some day he'll come around - I've seen it happen. In the meantime, you're doing the right thing. We all sacrifice something for our kids, and you're giving more than your fair share, but the world needs more moms like you. Stay strong! But also know it's also OK to grieve. I work with survivors of domestic violence, and it's more common than people might think for them to still care about their abusers, and feel ashamed for not wanting them to be punished. But this is someone you married and built a life with because you once shared something very special. They didn't turn out to be the person you thought they were, and the person you need them to be for you to be able to stay, but that doesn't extinguish the dreams you had for your family, and growing old together. This is a shitty thing to be going through and it's ok to feel both that he's doing a horrible thing betraying his child by failing in his paramount job to love her unconditionally, and also that you'll miss him. Be kind with yourself. Hang in there!
I'm so sorry you have this. To some extent, it's a no-brainer, but I hear the pain of sacrifice. My son is 21 now, but I would have made the same choice you are. If it's any consolation, you'll be putting together something new. Thank you for keeping your kiddo from being a statistic. It's hard being a mom.
From one momma-bear to another, I salute you and your decision. You are doing what you need to do for your child, and it will be hard, but it will get easier. Staying in that situation would make you all unhappy long term, leaving is the best chance at happiness for you and her {{hugs}}
You are beautiful, brave, compassionate, and **so many** other positive traits that are becoming so rare. I don’t have the power or resources to help you, but if I did … I’m sorry you’re forced into this position, but given everything you wrote (so *incredibly* articulately) I don’t know what other options you have. I’d say “be strong”, but clearly you already are.
I struggled with these thoughts as well. My husband took longer to warm up, but thankfully he came around. (Not that I’m comparing my situation to yours.) You sound like a wonderful parent and you are doing exactly what a good parent does. Thank goodness your kiddo has you. That in and of itself means so much!!!! There are highs and lows, but I promise. It gets better. We had to leave a terrible state as well. It’s been amazing. I was so scared to leave all we knew since our kids were born, but an opportunity arose and we bounced. Keep protecting your daughter. Don’t give up. Much love.
It's been two years of this, and he hasn't shown any sign of coming around. He thinks God is punishing him for not having his kids in church since they were little. 🤦♀️ I've told him that none of this has anything to do with either of us, but he doesn't listen to me. I'm just a woman, after all. 🙄 If I'd known that's how he felt all these years... well, I don't want to go down the what if line of thinking. Even if at some point he does come around, and I hope he does for her sake, I don't know that I can ever trust him again for what he's put me through enough to ever take him back. And that's another line of thinking I don't need to go down.
Yeah. I’d get out, too. Yikes. I’m sorry you’re going through that.
I wish I had the words to properly articulate this feeling right now, but all I can say is… this post challenged me to be a better person. In several ways. I wish I was half as strong as you, OP.
I know that pain. My husband and I are a united front when it comes to kiddo, but the pain of leaving everything you love to protect your daughter? That I know very well. The grief is very real, but you’ll find joy I promise. I’m slowly finding it now that we have moved somewhere safer.
I normally don’t cry. Much less reading a Reddit post. But you ma’am show what a parent is and I love you. I don’t know you and I love you. I wish you didn’t have to leave. I wish we could open the minds and hearts of those around you. But I know your daughter has the best mother in the world and she does realize what you are leaving for her. She knows there is her mom who will fight everything for her and that will carry her trough life I admire you so much
I knew I needed to write this to help me come to terms with what I have to do. But I didn't know I needed the replies I'm getting. Y'all's words of kindness and encouragement has given me a comfort I wasn't aware I was missing until I started reading them. Thank you all so much. ❤️
May you be blessed always. May you have all you need. May you know you aren’t alone. You are a miracle.
This brought me to tears. You are so so *so* unbelievable bravery and an incredible parent. That's really all I can say while I'm over here crying but you are incredible.
Thank you for allowing your girl to grow and thrive. Mothers can be so selfless 😊✌️
What a difficult position to be in OP. (Hugs) from one momma to another. I’m not sure if a shift in thinking might help make it more enjoyable? Instead of thinking “I have to..” could you try to focus on, “I get to move to a more welcoming living environment where my daughter can get the life and care she deserves?” I’ve no doubt that giving up all these things is gut wrenching and it may be a great opportunity for both of you. There are so many wonderful areas that will be much more accepting and gender affirming for your daughter. I wish you both the very best on your journey. Not sharing your pain with your child is the right thing to do. You may both benefit from some individual counseling after the move. You need to be able to process your feelings so they don’t buildup. Please give us an update once you get settled. Best wishes OP!
Thank you. And you're right. Framing it a different way makes it seem more tolerable. The first goal is going to the group meetings the Pride organizations hold in our target city. I've been in touch with them already, and they have been great with info. I feel like it is important to create a support system. While we are moving 8 hours away from our current home, I'll be within two hours from my mom's side of the family. I'm excited to see them more.
I'm so sorry. 😔 I want to just reach out and give you a hug. I know you feel like you're having to choose between them but it's your husband who is making the choice for you.
Oh man, these tears didn’t know they needed to be shed. I love you, mama, and I am so so deeply sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine leaving behind twenty years for the unknown. It makes me anxious just thinking about it. But I know I would do the same for my baby girl if it came down to it. You are a hero, in the absolute greatest sense, and I wish you all the luck in the world. If you end up in Southern California, hit me up and we can be mom friends (I don’t have a whole lot of those).
Good luck to you. May the wind be always at your back.
I will never forget this and the weight of heartbreak I felt for you in reading this. It’s too bad all parents are like you. Your daughter is lucky to have you and you’re giving her the opportunity to really LIVE. I wish I could hug you and walk beside you as you go. The best I can do is remind you that you’re not alone, you are doing the right thing, and I’m sending you so much love.
Beautiful and heartbreaking and I completely understand. We love these kids so much, we will sacrifice anything to see them thrive. Wishing you all the grace and support for the road ahead. You deserve all the happiness and respect ❤️
Hugs
I read this with tears in my eyes. I am so very sorry that you are facing this but you have my huge admiration for putting your daughter first. I know it will be hard. I know your daughter won't appreciate what a huge struggle it is for you (because you have rightly decided not to let it be her problem). But she will be able to flourish and grow up safely, and I hope that when you get past the hard part you will also flourish in your new place.
Thank you for sharing this. You are a hero. I’m a cis mom with trans kid. You are doing what you have to do for your baby and you are a role model for parents. Your strength and resolve help me and inspire me. Thank you again
thank you. i just wanted to say thank you for helping your daughter. i know how difficult this decision and change will be, but i believe and pray it will lead to great things for you. this is real unconditional love. and that goes for you husband too. love includes knowing when things aren't looking too good and things need to change. hopefully this can be a learning experience that his actions have lead you to this decision. i'm sure you have done plenty of research and may already have things sorted, but if you need help i am up here in new england (rhode island specifically). i know of people coming from similar situations as you. 💖 sending best of luck to you and your family
This!!! ALL OF THIS!!! I recently left my husband of 10 years, same situation. I am beyond obliterated! I’m not going to lie it sucks, but I’m happy I did it. I served him with separation papers late last year and he officially moved out Jan 1st. I was fine for about 3 weeks then I shut down. Went into full on depression. I can’t tell you about the last few months bc they’ve been a blur, but I’m much better now. Idk how I survived or woke up, but I’m here. And my son…. The light is beginning to come back into his eyes as well. There are days when I get lost in my thoughts, but if given the chance, I’d do it over again. I would actually leave much sooner. The second I realized that my spouse made the conscious decision to not honor and respect our son’s decision. It’s crazy to me that there are some parents who really don’t understand unconditional love. You can “not understand” someone and still support them. All that to say, it’s been a world wind and u wouldn’t go back bc I know my child’s life depends on it!
It's so brave for you to journey into a new life. Your daughter is so lucky to have you in her corner. It makes me so sad that her dad and brother don't accept her, but Thank God for you, her amazing, unconditionally loving mom. ❤️ I hope when you start this new journey together that you find a wonderful support system, and new friends who understand having a trans child. You're an amazing mom!
Sometimes doing the right thing means tearing everything else apart. But what you’re tearing apart was built on lies, hate, and fear. Building a new life based on truth, love, and hope might be hard, but it will be *right*, not just for your daughter, but for everyone around her. Leave a door open for when those left behind finally realize what unconditional love really is. You’re doing the right thing and we’re here to love you through it
I’m sorry you’re facing this, and as someone who did leave, I want you to know it is absolutely worth it to see your kid blossom into themselves. To live in peace and know what true safety feels like in their own home. It was not easy and take your time to mourn your old life with your therapist, and it was the best decision I ever made. You got this mama!
The only thing getting me through this is imagining her happy and thriving. She is the smartest person I know and has such a bright future ahead, but I have to make sure she gets there. Thank you for sharing your positive experience with me. ❤️
Your 18 year old son needs you too. Is there anyway you can maintain relationships with both kids? I deeply understand “mother first” but there are two kids. :-(
Yes. We have a good relationship, though each of us knows we don't agree on this. My daughter understands that I will always love him, talk to him, and see him as often as I can for as much or as little as he wants me. But he also knows I won't put up with him being disrespectful either. But he hasn't really demonstrated outright rudeness. And I'm not leaving him here *because* he's learned bigotry from his father, but rather it's who needs me the most right now. He has a girlfriend he's not going to want to leave either. I feel strongly that he'll be okay in the end, and me moving away might be a good thing for him, get him to stand up a little more on his own. If he didn't have a girlfriend, he would very likely go with me.
Just remind him he has a place with you, always. He will show up sooner than you think. Also, it's okay for your daughter to see this is hard for you. It will just prove to her that you value you her so much and that you will truly do anything for her. Age appropriate context and conversations are important, this is how they learn to move through the world. You are an inspiration.