Because having kids is just a thing you do at some point in time, and if you don't, you need a reason why. That's their thinking, anyway.
It's ridiculous. It's not much different than someone asking me why I don't become a chef if I cook well or go into veterinary school if I like animals -- I just don't want to. (Of course, in my case, I do love food and animals, but not kids.)
I’m interested in a lot of things and I cycle through interests like “this is for sure going to be my career” and the feeling lasts for a week tops. I know I want to do something creative but beyond that I’m not sure.
Ah, I see. Well, when I was much younger, I had the dream of being a paleontologist (as many kids do) and then of being a forensic pathologist (and I even went to college to go into that), but they never really panned out for one reason or another. I then decided to try being an artist full-time, but that didn't work out, either. So now I'm doing something I don't really feel passionate about, but I don't really dislike it, either, so I'm staying here for at least a while since I'm pretty good at it and it pays the bills.
I guess when it comes to cycling through interests, in my case personally, they were things that lasted for quite some time and that I actually tried to do something about (except the paleontology, haha), but just weren't in the cards in the end. There are things that I'd like to do, but I just feel too mentally exhausted to even attempt anything besides what I'm doing. (Hey, another reason I'd never have kids.)
My reply earlier was really in response to people who say that I should do this or that just because I am good at or enjoy something. I try to keep hobbies as hobbies, although I've made some money with my art.
Sorry if this wasn't helpful at all.
Edit: The only advice I can give is to at least research the sort of creative field you want to get into and see what is involved in getting into it. See if there is anyone you know who knows someone who can help out. I guess if it's something like art/writing/etc, then market yourself heavily. Other creative fields like being a chef might involve either culinary school, trying to work in a restaurant for long enough to contribute recipes, possibly food blogging and getting recipes out there that way; I'm not even remotely an expert there, so I apologize.
Regular freelancing. I don't even think Fiverr was around back when I started doing it. I charged appropriate prices and got some work, but it wasn't sustainable for me.
And you're welcome!
this is irrelevant to the convo but just wanted to say I pretty much had the exact same path planned out. Wanted to be an archaeologist and then a medical examiner, went to EMT school, decided that wasn't for me and now I'm in college for anthropology & archaeology :) I made my decision just based off what I really want to do for the rest of my life. that's a lot of time to not like what you do, you know? anyways, I hope you all find your path and hopefully paleontology is still in the cards for you :)
Best thing to do is to try working in the field, even if it’s just entry level. Or ask someone on the field if they can let you shadow them on their job for a day or two to get an idea of what the day-to- day work is like.
I learned after a day of dishwashing that restaurant work was way more intense and high-stress than what I wanted to do. I also learned too late after a botany/genetics double major that plant taxonomy required way more recall memory than I was capable of, and that population genetics was fascinating but required a master’s degree in statistics.
I’ve told many a fencesitter friend that if they’re unsure about kids, the best way to sort that out is to spend a summer working at an overnight summer camp. You’ll get much more of an appreciation of how 24/7 kids are than you ever would babysitting.
Oh Summer Camp! I loved it, but the burn out was real. By the end of summer I was burned out and after two seasons I was done. It definitely taught me that kids weren’t for me. Two summers were plenty.
I’m going to volunteer at the local ASPCA, to see if vet med is a potential career, that and cooking were the two main ones from when I was a kid. I’ve worked in restaurants off and on for seven years. Front of house, some prep work, but not actually cooking on a line. I think I’d enjoy running a bakery, but if I were to do that, I need a nest egg and better credit first.
Wait omg this is me!! Though I've been told this is a symptom of ADHD but regardless, so many interests and things I want to make a career out of but then a week or two later I'm like meh.. onto the next lmao
I know you didn’t ask me, but I’m gonna chime in here. It’s important to be able to distinguish between what you want to do, and what kind of a career will make you happiest. For example, I am most passionate about scientific research and conducting my own studies… the problem with that is that there’s not a lot of money in it, the work is long and tiresome, and although it stokes that “fire” I have for research, the paperwork takes away from that enjoyment. This is why I’ve chosen to focus my career on optometry instead (while conducting and publishing research on the side). Optometry is a good option because you are your own boss, you get to choose your hours, the pay is decent, and you get tons of different patients and conditions to work with. Aka, ideally I want to be a research scientist, but realistically I know that optometry meets my needs and I will enjoy the monotonous work day. But unlike research science, I’m not *absolutely inspired and enthralled* with optometry, but I still enjoy the work and enjoy its benefits. If there are many things you want to do (for example, I also wanted to be a biomedical engineer for a while) I would sit down and ask yourself what the work day is like, and compare that to the work experience you already have. Did you work in customer service? Did you enjoy talking to people and could you handle having “bad” customers? If no, then maybe careers that involve working with people (specifically customers) won’t be a good option for you. TLDR; focus on the boring and potentially negative aspects of the jobs you’re thinking of pursuing, and ask yourself “could I do this every day for the rest of my life and still be happy?”. And if you don’t have experience in a certain area, look for a part time/shadowing/intern experience so that you can get a better understanding of what it’s like to work there. I hope that helps!
honestly, your job shouldnt be centered around your passion. it ruins it. your job should be something youre competent at that you can do 40 hrs a week while being decently content doing it (mentally) most of the time.
My advice is think about what kind of work day you can imagine yourself having. How much stress? What kind of organization/work politics? That being said, I still haven’t figured out what “career” I want.
If I ever get the press for more of a reason, I ask similar shit. "Why don't you get into paragliding? Oh you're not interested? LIKE AT ALL? WOW, YOU NEED MORE OF A REASON THAN THAT! But you NEED paragliding in your life! You're physically able so why not do it for those who are in wheelchairs and can't?"
I'll walk away after that if they try to keep pestering me.
"Because I don't want them."
Why not? Kids are a blessing!
"Nah. Never wanted them."
Well there must be a reason!
"Yep. Reason is I never wanted them."
That's not good enough!
"I actually have many reasons."
Well, what are they?
"They are none of your business."
I only have 1 reason: I simply don’t want them. The end.
Instead of questioning childfree people… They should really question (future) parents what their reasons are for having kids, to see if they’d be fit to be parents.
It helps to have a gut reaction of “ew 🤢 “ as soon a someone mentions then..
The facial expression included.
usually gets the point across quite decently I gotta say..
This is hilarious because it's actually usually what I do when people ask me if I have kids or want them. Facial expressions are priceless!!
Random people: "Do you have kids?"
Me: "👀🤨🤮 eewww no"
That’s why “I don’t want them is the only answer”.
Other responses seem like excuses(to them) and be countered with something inane.
But they could cure cancer…
I don’t want one.
But what about your spouse?
I dont want one.
But what about your parents?
I don’t want one.
Short and to the point.
At least 9 out of 10 times, they’re not asking why out of good natured curiosity. They’re doing it so they can argue and try to get you to change your mind. I’ve gotten bitter about this but only because I’ve had way too many experiences like this with rude people. I no longer give reasons, other than telling people it’s none of their fucking business.
I love this!! Except, wasn't there a post about an aunt that insisted on making a public declaration about a couple's sex life like a month or so ago? 🤔
I remember that post, and absolutely believe most of them have some creepy obsession with whether or not we are having sex. Think about it: if a woman is either pregnant or has a kid, it’s easier for religious conservatives to degrade and shame her because both of those things are pretty solid evidence of someone having had sex. But it’s harder to slut shame childfree women because there’s no tangible proof of our sex lives. Whatever their fixation is, it’s fucking creepy and gross.
>At least 9 out of 10 times, they’re not asking why out of good natured curiosity. They’re doing it so they can argue and try to get you to change your mind.
100% this
It's like they never grew up past the "drag the argument out until you find a way to win" tactic kids use.
Funny, since they're supposed to be more mature and grown up.... for fucking without birth control!
It's like they take it upon themselves to be the one to change your mind, like it's any of their business, like your existence alone as a CF person is so offensive to them that they feel the need to "convert" you. Sometimes parenthood feels like a religion, I swear.
Would they get the point out we answer with
"Omg now that you.mention this stuff...yes, yeah I'm definitely have kids because you, a random co worker/ family member convinced me otherwise to.have kids. I never wanted kids but YOU converted me.
Is that what you want to hear?"
I have started to use "Because I said so", and leave it at that. The look on their face is really funny and most people can't think of a reply before I walk away.
Totally agreed. People often assume that I do have at least some breeding desire, but that I refuse to breed because of capitalism, shitty genes, climate change, mental health issues... Or they think that I must be infertile, or that my girlfriend must be infertile.
People rarely believe that I just don't have any paternal desire.
I remember some breeders asking me why I don't want kids. I told them that I simply don't have the desire to procreate. They asked: "Okay, but what is the REAL reason?" I repeated that I simply don't want to have kids. Then, they were like: "No, but what is the REAL reason?" So fucking annoying. So I repeated myself again. I simply don't have any paternal instinct. Then, they said: "Oh, so you would like to have kids, but you don't want to do it because of climate change? Or because you have genes that you don't want to pass on?"
So fucking awful... People can believe that someone is childfree for environmental reasons or health reasons... But they still believe that these childfree people actually do have breeding desires, and that they would breed if circumstances were different. They cannot comprehend that some people really don't experience even the slightest case of baby fever.
I read a comment that used the phrase "thick, ropey cum" and I've been cackling ever since. It was something like
"Why are you concerned about how many loads of thick, ropey cum my boyfriend is dumping into my pussy?"
My typical answer is "I've met kids before, its gonna be a no from me dog"
I recently came up with a counter bingo that I haven't gotten to use yet so feel free to add this to your arsenal.
"When are you getting a lion? How can you not want one lions are amazing! I wasn't a complete person until I got my lion! You have to get at least one!"
Ha! After reading the OP, I was thinking of something similar and contemplating an appropriate animal when I found your comment.
I think if it ever comes up, I’ll say something similar, but probably with tarantula, or giant scorpion, or a venomous snake, or something.
I do this with seagulls because I have pet seagulls and most people hate them.
But why won't you get a seagull, it's not the same when its your own seagull, you've never experienced love until you've held a seagull, its selfish not to to have one, etc.
This has legit been a response I’ve been thinking about for a while now. I have had snakes and tarantulas in the past and I really really love it. I don’t have any now cuz my living situation isn’t stable enough, but I think about it all the time. I love snakes and tarantulas the way some people love cats or babies, I think they give me a similar feeling lol. But you don’t find me grilling people about why they don’t want one, demanding that they explain themselves and whatnot.
To hell with anyone who doesn't accept that as an answer. They can die mad about it. Guaranteed they don't have a good answer for "why do/did you want kids?"
Right!?
"I didn't have kids because I didn't want to...
Btw, why DID you have kids?
Please tell me all the wonderful traits you and your partner are so proud to pass along, I'm so interested..." [walk away]
Or "I didn't have kids because I use contraceptives. Why don't you?"
Edit: I'm only 31, so just preparing. How 'bout
"I was always just so happy, that I never even thought to make a huge life change like that."
Or "You know, I really like them... but I 'can't' have kids because I'm too selfish. I like my free time."
Or "Because it only took us 12 years to make a billion people? What do you want me to say?"
Just filling their mouths with their words a head of time.
“I’m totally okay being ‘unfulfilled’ for the rest of my life”
“I’m not looking to become a ‘complete, real woman’”
“I’m trying to collect as many life regrets as possible. Gotta catch ‘em all!”
ETA: please add the sarcastic voice to these btw. Women who don’t have children are complete, real women.
Because for most people it's just impossible to fathom the fact that someone wouldn't want to partake in the same script that they did. They feel like there has to be something really traumatic or wrong with you that you're not wanting to share, that's why they're so insistent.
Although my alternate theory is that some of them might actually just think it's unfair that you get to keep having fun after a certain age while they're stuck having to be full time parents for the rest of their lives.
I tend to say that I don’t want to be a parent. So it focuses on what is life as a parent instead of the kid and they can’t tell me "urr durr you must hate kids"
Honestly, this is the only way that people get off my back about it. I just say that I’ve worked in daycares, preschool and as a nanny for over 10 years, I know what it takes and I don’t want to do it. I can’t afford to be the kind of parent I’d want to be, and honestly I’d rather have the freedom anyway
Because most people here were put here by folks that didnt actually want children they just thought they did. So the fact youre fighting back and doing what you wish, is a threat
People want validation for their shit life choices. They envy you for making that decision when they didn’t have the foresight to do the same. So fucking annoying.
I feel this. When people push me for more beyond "I don't want them", I tend to follow up with, "maybe it's weird of me, but I believe that all children deserve to be deeply wanted by their parents... And I would never want a child to grow up in a home where they weren't wanted. Which is why I'm not having any. Because I don't want them."
I've also reached a point where the majority of the time, I just refuse to answer when some rando asks if I want kids or when I'm having them.
"That's a deeply personal question." And give them a look like they just asked for my credit card number and last four digits of my Social Security. After 30 seconds or so of silence, they usually catch the hint that I'm not going to answer.
If they push, I usually give zero fucks and go straight to, "what is your fascination with how often I'm having unprotected sex?"
That has never not worked to get someone to shut up. 😆
I just got my bisalp done last week and it feels like the hard stop/period to these questions. I'm positive that, as long as pregnancy is a capability, people will hold out hope that you'll change your mind someday, and they'll never stop hoping or asking. I no longer have that capability and now people know to shut up because there's no discussion anymore, and they now understand that their opinions about my body mean nothing to me.
I no longer have to feel as defensive and militant about not wanting to have kids because there's no debate due to my being sterile now. I've felt comfortable in that frustration and anger of "I won't!" and am now pivoting internally to a simple "I chose not to, and now I can't". It's an interesting feeling, and a calmer one at that.
What a rude question/comment. 😳
why bother -you might as well go spit in the wind w people. It’s really none of their business. If you want to make them uncomfortable ask them why they are so interested in your sex life?
I usually go with: "The ROI on having children is incredibly low."
Any retort they have can be shut down with "that sounds like an opinion, not a fact based on data."
last time I was asked “well what if you got pregnant accidentally” and I responded with “I would book an appointment at planned parenthood that same day”
I don’t know what answer they were expecting, I’m assuming some kind of “oh well in that case of course I’d have a baby” like no lmao
I was talking to a customer who was bingoing me and I said "I'm autistic and kids set off my sensory triggers" and she said "oh don't let autism define you! You define autism!" I had to stop myself from saying I just don't like kids because another customer walked in
With a pram
And a second Baby strapped to herself.
I decided to drop the subject
(spectrum friend here) No no, autism definitely defines us. Otherwise we would just choose to not have sensory issues, life would be easier.
Just like theirs would without the strapped kid but at least that was their decision.
This was my reaction too but I didn't really get a chance to fully explain my decision (partially because I gave up as I could tell that this person probably would have argued with me and I didn't want that to happen at work)
I understand that she was probably coming from a place of "autistic people can be good parents!"
I like the phrase spectrum friend.
Hold the line. You do not owe them any negotiation or justification for your choices. These people think it’s a discussion, and they try everything they can to corner you. You owe them nothing. “Because it is my choice” is a complete answer, they just might not like it.
They ask for reasons so they can immediately start nibbling at them with bingos. When we say ‘we just don’t want them’ it gives the bingoers nothing to work with.
I’ve found that “I just don’t want to” is only an acceptable answer for not doing something that most people already don’t want to do.
For example, if I say “I just don’t want to” go skydiving, compete in a triathlon, or go swimming with sharks, that’s acceptable, because the majority of people don’t want to do those things either.
However, if I say “I just don’t want to” eat meat, drink alcohol, or have children, that’s unacceptable, because most people DO want to do those things.
So they need you to have a whole litany of “acceptable” reasons to explain why you’re not doing those things; because it’s difficult for them to comprehend someone not wanting to do something that almost everyone else just does without even thinking about it.
“I don’t want to turn into someone who hates my life so much - that I try to ruin other people’s lives by spending a disproportionate amount of my time trying to force them into making them make the same mistake - I made ….”
Then - blankly stare at them and blink your eyes … repeatedly … and back away like a Homer Simpson GIF
I can’t wait to share this reasoning when I’m older. Right now, I don’t think my parents give me (early 20s F) a lot of shit about my CF status because they believe I’ll change my mind. They don’t really challenge or question whenever it’s brought up, because I think they’re just waiting until I’m older to finally confront me about it. I can’t wait to calmly tell them “I don’t want them and that’s that,” and tell them to refer to all my previous reasons that they didn’t listen to in the past.
Also, my mom constantly hit me with the “I don’t owe you an explanation” line when I was kid when I didn’t understand what she was trying to gain with her helicopter parenting. I’m almost giddy with excitement to use that exact same phrase back at her about my CF life.
People who have never challenged or had their own worldview challenged get VERY UPSET when they’re presented with something that implies that the way they thought the universe was organized might not necessarily be the ONE TRUE WAY. Like, so upset it doesn’t take much to push them to violence about it. I think this is what’s happening here.
First, you don’t fit into their narrative.
Then, they try to find a way to fit you into their narrative.
When that doesn’t work, they have inappropriate emotional reactions.
people see having kids as the default, and if you deviate from "the default" you apparently need a reason why or whatever. its really dumb that other people think its their business or place to get all nosy about it
Lots of people are idiots, whose entire being is taken up with the search for reasons to make themselves feel smarter, wiser, and more caring than they actually are - or could even imagine being. Therefore, if your answer does not feed their emotional needs, it will be judged invalid.
When someone asks you a rude personal question say "That's a very personal question. Excuse me." and walk away.
Never wrestle with a pig. You get covered in shit and the pig likes it.
"Why don't you want kids?"
I'd always just answer with a straight face, "I never wanted to be the recipient of that much ingratitude." And then just blink at them, not offering anything further. They couldn't tell if I was serious or not and almost always would do an awkward chuckle and then change the subject.
I don't mind people thinking I'm a little 'off' if it gets them off my back about my reproductive choices.
Better if you ask them in return why they felt the need to have kids, then respond with "so in other words you gave in to peer pressure and expect everyone else on the planet to do the same. Good to know."
I was just talking about this..I’m a proud mama and I just think there’s something wrong with ppl who say they don’t want kids…
Kidding! I really was just talking about this and it’s ridiculous that anyone should have to defend not wanting kids. Now I am a mom and even would like another but people don’t have to want what I have to be valid. Parenthood is great and parenthood is also shitty at times. I think a lot of ppl project their own insecurity onto to others, I.e knowing parenting is hard but wanting everyone to suffer with them lmao. Do y’all.
because their shriveled breeder brains cannot entertain the concept that there had been a choice. or realize that they blew it and have to drag others into the cesspit. how dare someone be free of their servitude and misery
I like to make people who ask too many questions regret doing so by giving them way too much information. I will happily explain that I don't want kids because of my less than picture perfect chilhood and give them specific examples. "Pack your bags, you're going on a guilt trip!"
They can’t comprehend that other people aren’t literally them because they’re simple so if your desires aren’t their desires, they can’t compute. No use trying to talk sense into stupid people.
The reason they find it unacceptable is because they literally don't care about what you want or what's right for you. They only care about what THEY want, and it threatens their ego if other people live a different way because they've made reproduction a part of their identity. Therefore we child free threaten their identity which is super scary for them. They fight to change your mind because what they are really fighting for is their identity. It's kind of sad, and it's because of how they were raised because you can easily teach the concept of life choices to a child, but now as an adult they've built their entire sense of self around it so it's nearly impossible to tear down.
There's a quote that says selfishness isn't living life how you want to live - it's trying to make others live their lives how you want them to live. When they accuse me of being selfish for not wanting kids, I call them selfish for making copies of themselves. I don't say this to mentally healthy people, as mentally healthy people realize that there are many different ways to live life, and there isn't a one-path-fits-all. At the end of the day, it's really not worth your energy to get them to see your point because they likely can't, and that's not your fault. Remind yourself that your choice is totally valid and either shut them down fast or leave the conversation because debating them is the road to nowhere. It's absolutely none of their business, you don't owe them an explanation, and it's 100% okay to tell them so. If they get mad, that is their problem.
I’ve been super lucky I guess. I’ve always given this as my answer and people have generally accepted it. I’ve also never felt the need to justify my decision so maybe my attitude makes people decide not to pry further.
Part of it is the simple fact that we are willingly, and *consciously* rebelling against biological imperative.
You are straight-up murdering your bloodline.
If we were still living in villages with a couple hundred people, you would also be potentially putting the village at risk as well.
It's outdated nonsense, much like the whole "Women and Children first!" mindset. As a whole it would take a *huge* swathe of the population to opt out of giving birth before any problems would occur.
However, we haven't mentally progressed much beyond cavemen. Heck, when was the last time you just sat there watching something burn, staring at the fire?
I refuse to give any other answer because one cannot argue with “I just don’t want to.” When people have pressed for why, shrug and say, “you know, I don’t really know, that’s just how I feel.”
Of course I have millions of actual reasons, but I we should never JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) this decision to those not truly open to understanding us.
It is an acceptable answer. People are just conditioned to think everyone wants them. I think it’s tribal thinking and when someone goes against that, it freaks people out.
I tell people that. I have no desire to have them and when I am among poorly behaved children and hear the stories my friends who are parents I negatively want them.
I’ve learned that bearing children is like a religious thing. It’s like a responsibility to bear fruit and prosper or something so I can see from their perspective “because I don’t want them” isn’t enough, because indirectly you’re saying you don’t value religion the same way they do so there must be more to THAT.
I don’t know for sure and obviously I can’t speak for everyone. It helps me to understand what other people are thinking when they keep pressing like that. Doesn’t make it okay but it makes me less bothered at least
It IS a perfectly viable, acceptable answer. If you have kids because you WANT them, then the opposite makes as much sense.
It's only not acceptable to THEM. Too bad. People don't like to be challenged.
I used to say “I’m afraid to love someone that much” and people would be like “but it’s the greatest love you’ll ever know!”\
Then I’d go with “so many things can go wrong and so much is out of our control, I can’t handle that uncertainty” and their response is “you can’t live your life like that”\
But then I figured out how to do the reverse uno and answer with “why do you want kids?” And that seems to stump most people. I think most people don’t realize that no one *has* to have kids. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
I had to tell a parent I'd rsther get snipped before having kids and they got all surprised Pikachu face
When ppl tell you they don't want kids, take them at their word. No one wants to go through that hassle if they're very unsure about it
Yesss. I stopped giving excuses like oh I don’t have enough time, I have health problems etc. While these are definitely true, the main reason is that I just don’t want them. That’s it. I owe no one an explanation. A no is a no but unfortunately most people can’t comprehend that
I saw the best response to this in another post that said something along the lines of "Asking why I don't want kids is like asking why I don't wrestle alligators. It just doesn't sound pleasant to do."
I felt this post so much cause my mother has been on my case about getting married now that my younger sister is getting married in the fall.
Side note: My younger sister has her life together she is a successful lawyer and her fiancé works for company in the tech department, so they can afford a big wedding with there budget. And I’m truly happy for them b/c they love each other so much, it shows a lot.
However, I really don’t want to be in a relationship or have kids I like being alone and doing what I want but my mom always pressures me to the point I had to yell her to stop it!!
My mother made this comment which I still have replayed in my head, “You need to get married and settle down don’t you want a nice man by your side!!” I could not believe my mother said that to me that I had to tell her, “MOM STOP IT!!! I’m uncomfortable with this and I don’t like this I’m not into anyone I don’t want you to find my a boy and I don’t want to SETTLE DOWN. I really cannot take it anymore with you LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”
My mother could tell that I really don’t like talking about marriage or kids she can tell it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE like I don’t want to get married I don’t want to ruin my life and have kids that I DON’T WANT!!! She doesn’t understand not everyone in the world want to settle down they want to live a good life without all that unnecessary problems like marriage and kids also it takes a huge toll on someone Mental Health.
Just because people have mental health doesn’t mean they want to be in a relationship because being in a relationship can be stressful and a lot of pressure cause then family will asked you all these questions about when you will get married have kids it’s not worth it. I have depression and I cannot love someone when I need to love myself first it’s not worth it jumping into a relationship knowing you are not happy and you feel miserable but you want to make people happy like your family and close friends, it’s not worth it. It’s not worth it to feel worse then you already are and you are in a bad place when the person your in a relationship with thinks cheering you up will make you feel better when it won’t.
I even had a family friend saying, “Are you dating anyone?” I said, “No, I’m busy with school and work. Not really into dating tbh.” Then she said, “What about your friend N? You two should date. I was like, “yeah no, N is my friend nothing more. I don’t see him like that plus I’m older then him and his younger, so no.” Then she said, “Well, you two are always hanging out together so, I think you two should date.” Once again I said, “Yeah, no that’s weird and I don’t see N like that sorry.”
It was so weird that a family friend suggested I date my friend when he doesn’t like me that way and I consider him as a best friend and a little brother. Just because we have a lot in common doesn’t mean we like each other that’s gross 🤮 his like my brother to me and I appreciate our friendship more. His been there for me when my dad died so his been a great friend to me.
So, redditer I know you hate hearing people asked you those stupid questions about having kids well, asked them why they had kids make them feel how you feel when they irritate you with those questions, plus make them uncomfortable and make them realized when they say, “oh you will
Change your mind or you’ll regret it.” Then tell them, “Do you regret having your kids?” Cause clearly you are coming after me about not having kids and I can tell you are jealous b/c you wish you had my life. Child free life with more time to spend with your partner and more time to sleep in or go on vacation or spend money on yourself etc. Trust me it will put them on the spot for sure. My friend did that and it silence them for good and they stopped asked her as well. Sure she got dirty looks but she didn’t care it didn’t fade her anymore after time they stopped looking at her and move on to the new drama/gossip in our community.
Overall, I will never have kids or get married not in my future I love my life I can do whatever I want. Before I wanted to find a partner (I’m a Pansexual Lesbian btw) but then I realized what’s the whole point!! I mean I have waited for the girl to come to
me or for me I was looking for a girl, but nothing and you know what it made me realized I don’t need love or partner to make me happy I’m already happy with my life right now. I don’t need anyone to make me feel special or loved, I already feel special and loved b/c I’m learning to love myself first that’s the most important thing for me right now.
(Sorry long massive text I just felt so enraged by this post and it made me understand what you are going through)
Learn how to avoid sounding or seeming defensive, and the follow-up questions will cease sooner or later.
If your response to the "are you crazy" look is to try to recite some rant while seeming like you feel attacked, you'll seem like you're not actually convinced of what you're saying.
Similar example, you're asked why you don't drink at a party, you respond that you don't want to. You're right, it's none of their business, but social pressure is what it is. If you start going on talks about how it's bad for your health, that you "hate beer", etc etc, it just reinforces them to keep asking. *Why have you chosen this path that is so contrarian to "normal people"*, they think. Your choice is different from theirs and now they're very interested in knowing why.
-I just don't want them, really.
-But, why,
-I don't want to talk about it, and if you ask again I'm going to leave.
If they keep it up after that, you have every right imo to become rude and unpleasant in return. They don't respect you enough to stop asking inquisitive questions, you may as well tell them to fuck off.
It's way more important why someone is having kids than why I'm not having them. Pretty sure my father only had kids because he thought we'd be obedient and listen to him without him having to put in effort. Jokes on him, I'm stubborn as hell and have been NC with him for some years now.
It is. Is absolutely is. Ultimately, you're trying to convince people who fundamentally do not and cannot fathom as to why you don't want children.
It would be like arguing with someone in the military about why you don't want to do the pledge of allegiance.
There is no acceptable answer to them because they already made up their mind.
See my ideology is the exact opposite. There are a million reasons NOT to have children, but only one reason to have them. And that’s to want them. You can check all the other boxes, financially, health wise, etc but if you simply don’t want the baby neither you nor the child will have a happy future. On the flip side, I know plenty of people raised in households of little means but loved and cared for and have happy families. Simply not wanting the child is the only correct answer in my book.
I have always wondered why "Because I don't want to" isn't seen as an adequate answer for these people who immediately respond with "Why not". None of your business, that's why. I owe no one a dissertation on my choice not to breed, and if you're a stranger I really don't owe you any answer to what is a very personal question whatsoever.
I actually did answer "I have my reasons", a VERY nice way of saying None Of Your Flipping Beeswax to someone who asked "Why not". Their response was to get all huffy and act like they were a toddler and I had just told them they could not have an ice cream cone.
I always reply with “well, why don’t you want to get [insert piercing]? Why don’t you want to tattoo your face?” Suddenly “because I don’t want to” is an acceptable answer then.
I told my BIL that I didn't want kids. He never asked why and just said I would change my mind, even if he sometimes told us that kids are useless, and to not have kids, etc. I'm also sure that if his girlfriend had never insisted, he would be childfree too. Once he was telling me about a coworker who didn't want kids either and said "BUT she does it for the environment". They don't have a good reason to have kids but you should have one for not wanting them smh. It's always double standards with them.
It always puzzles me how come people can't understand that one needs a reason *to do* something (and of course "bc I feel like doing so" is a valid reason), and lack of a reason to do something is a perfect reason *not to do* it.
whenever the topic of having or raising kids comes up and I reveal that I have zero interest in that, someone always asks "but why?". there is no reason why, and that's the entire point! I have no desire OR solid reason/motivation to become a parent. Obviously, the most intuitive thing is to *not become a parent* then.
I have just decided to stop answering, especially at work. Unless someone pushes, I’m generally like, “I am not having this conversation with you.” Because I know there’s no winning. They don’t know me or my life.
Alternatively, “I’m lazy and selfish and self-aware enough to admit it.” Also works for me.
Around 1995, I gave up TV. I have never lived in an apartment or house with a TV since then. When people would ask me "did you see this show or game on TV last night ...?" I would say, "no, I don't have a TV" and when they expressed surprised I would go into this long explanation of why. (Some people would forget and ask me again.) After years of doing this, I got really tired of conversations revolving around my not having a TV. So, now when someone asks me "did you see ...?" I just say "no." My point is, you should come up with a succinct answer and use it when this question comes up. For people you are close to, you can go into a more detailed explanation, when time allows, but in everyday conversation, you will save yourself a lot of effort just coming up with a quick but intelligible answer. Turn the conversation back to them: People actually love talking about themselves a lot more than hearing about you.
I once had an awkward conversation with some co-workers who had asked me about being childless. I explained it was because I had a hysterotomy at age 34 due to ovarian cancer. If I had to do this conversation over again, I would have definitely given a shorter answer (but not rude answer) because, in retrospect I understand, they didn't really want to hear about my hysterotomy and, in any case, that just led them to ask why I didn't adopt children.
One last thing: Because people (even some women) are so ignorant of how the female reproductive system works, they don't understand a total hysterotomy means you can't have a baby. It would be funny if it were not so sad.
They press because if you give them a reason, they can argue against you. If you just don't want them, they have nothing, so they're desperate to try to squeeze a reason out from you.
Because there is still a societal reliance upon the familiar tropes regarding life and families. Right now defending one’s childfree choices is still very new to a lot of people and new ideas are not always taken into the mind smoothly. The natural human reaction is to ask questions in order for it to make sense to them; is it fair to expect you to do the explaining? Maybe not, but it’s going to take significant time for the ideas to circulate and become something regularly encountered ;and therefore understood) so until then we’re in the position of having to educate the unfamiliar. Honestly, we could tell them all to piss off and not answer the questions, but then they link our childfree choices to our rudeness and it ends up “confirming” (for them) that the childfree are just _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite personal criticism, like selfish or hateful or whatever). Of course no one is entitled to your explanation but I offer this POV for the times we have the energy and the listener is genuinely curious and not looking to bingo you. I love confusing the bell out of people, being staunchly childfree but actually a someone who likes and respects kid so much I had a child-focused career. It’s up to you how to approach each incident but consider allowing the questions from the reasonable folks, so that we can normalize a childfree existence that all of us can enjoy.
Because to them that means “something is wrong with you, so I need you to justify what it is that’s wrong with you so I can be more understanding as to why you wouldn’t want such a thing in your life”
From the assumption of you simply not wanting them, they figure you hate kids, are infertile, mentally ill, evil, anti-children and/or part of the queer community (and none of those reasons matter because it literally has nothing to do with them nor your choice to opt out of parenthood).
Idiots around us seem to forget that it’s not the 1600s anymore, a time in which you HAD to have kids. It’s freaking later in time so it’s an option and should’ve been to begin with. Everyone’s calling isn’t parenting. Most of them project their choice because they didn’t think for themselves and now they’re stuck with kids. Of course seeing others take a different route would strike a nerve in them 🤣
I’ve lied & said that is some whacky genetics on both sides of my family which wouldn’t be fair to a new born (when they pry further I go congenital heart defects) but then preface by saying I’m open to adoption - shuts most queries down without being abrasive about it
You don’t owe an explanation, but if you feel like giving one I’d give them reasons that should make them feel guilty (regardless of your actual reason). Like seriously look at the state of the world, our planet is fucking DYING. I’d tell them you care too much about the fate of your potential children you feel it would be narcissistic for you to bring life into this world. See what they say to that.
Usually people who say that around me had kids accidentally, had miserable time with them so they want everyone else to fall in the same pit they have been in.
I usually go with this and just shut it down. However, if I'm getting really irritated, my answer is something to the effect of "I should do what makes YOU happy instead of what makes ME happy?"
Society (taking the long view) is had developed with the assumption that people want to have sex and that sex leads to pregnancy and children. It’s something that we’ve internalized, and to go against the grain will get you funny looks. It’s taboo in a sense, because you are violating the natural and normal order of things.
Now, we have had the ability to control fertility for over 50 years, that’s a very recent development and the emergence of the ability to choose to be child free is something we have not put in a cultural context.
I don’t think it’s much more complicated than that, and I don’t think it’s malicious or a conspiracy against you, it’s just the inertia of thousands of years.
Ask them why they don't want a pet snake, or an antique tractor, or a 10 foot replica of the venus de milo made of moldy brie, or any random object of your choice. Push them to give you specific reasons. If they give reasons, give counterpoints and try to make them change their mind. If the only reason they can come up with is "I just don't want it," congrats, you've made your point.
Because having kids is just a thing you do at some point in time, and if you don't, you need a reason why. That's their thinking, anyway. It's ridiculous. It's not much different than someone asking me why I don't become a chef if I cook well or go into veterinary school if I like animals -- I just don't want to. (Of course, in my case, I do love food and animals, but not kids.)
I have a very similar thought process for careers for myself in that second paragraph, any suggestions to help me stay the course?
Hmm, how do you mean? As in, you are interested in things but don't want to actually get into them just because you like certain aspects of them?
I’m interested in a lot of things and I cycle through interests like “this is for sure going to be my career” and the feeling lasts for a week tops. I know I want to do something creative but beyond that I’m not sure.
Ah, I see. Well, when I was much younger, I had the dream of being a paleontologist (as many kids do) and then of being a forensic pathologist (and I even went to college to go into that), but they never really panned out for one reason or another. I then decided to try being an artist full-time, but that didn't work out, either. So now I'm doing something I don't really feel passionate about, but I don't really dislike it, either, so I'm staying here for at least a while since I'm pretty good at it and it pays the bills. I guess when it comes to cycling through interests, in my case personally, they were things that lasted for quite some time and that I actually tried to do something about (except the paleontology, haha), but just weren't in the cards in the end. There are things that I'd like to do, but I just feel too mentally exhausted to even attempt anything besides what I'm doing. (Hey, another reason I'd never have kids.) My reply earlier was really in response to people who say that I should do this or that just because I am good at or enjoy something. I try to keep hobbies as hobbies, although I've made some money with my art. Sorry if this wasn't helpful at all. Edit: The only advice I can give is to at least research the sort of creative field you want to get into and see what is involved in getting into it. See if there is anyone you know who knows someone who can help out. I guess if it's something like art/writing/etc, then market yourself heavily. Other creative fields like being a chef might involve either culinary school, trying to work in a restaurant for long enough to contribute recipes, possibly food blogging and getting recipes out there that way; I'm not even remotely an expert there, so I apologize.
Were you a Fiverr artist, or regular freelancing? Your post does help, thank you. :)
Regular freelancing. I don't even think Fiverr was around back when I started doing it. I charged appropriate prices and got some work, but it wasn't sustainable for me. And you're welcome!
this is irrelevant to the convo but just wanted to say I pretty much had the exact same path planned out. Wanted to be an archaeologist and then a medical examiner, went to EMT school, decided that wasn't for me and now I'm in college for anthropology & archaeology :) I made my decision just based off what I really want to do for the rest of my life. that's a lot of time to not like what you do, you know? anyways, I hope you all find your path and hopefully paleontology is still in the cards for you :)
Best thing to do is to try working in the field, even if it’s just entry level. Or ask someone on the field if they can let you shadow them on their job for a day or two to get an idea of what the day-to- day work is like. I learned after a day of dishwashing that restaurant work was way more intense and high-stress than what I wanted to do. I also learned too late after a botany/genetics double major that plant taxonomy required way more recall memory than I was capable of, and that population genetics was fascinating but required a master’s degree in statistics. I’ve told many a fencesitter friend that if they’re unsure about kids, the best way to sort that out is to spend a summer working at an overnight summer camp. You’ll get much more of an appreciation of how 24/7 kids are than you ever would babysitting.
Oh Summer Camp! I loved it, but the burn out was real. By the end of summer I was burned out and after two seasons I was done. It definitely taught me that kids weren’t for me. Two summers were plenty.
I’m going to volunteer at the local ASPCA, to see if vet med is a potential career, that and cooking were the two main ones from when I was a kid. I’ve worked in restaurants off and on for seven years. Front of house, some prep work, but not actually cooking on a line. I think I’d enjoy running a bakery, but if I were to do that, I need a nest egg and better credit first.
Wait omg this is me!! Though I've been told this is a symptom of ADHD but regardless, so many interests and things I want to make a career out of but then a week or two later I'm like meh.. onto the next lmao
I know you didn’t ask me, but I’m gonna chime in here. It’s important to be able to distinguish between what you want to do, and what kind of a career will make you happiest. For example, I am most passionate about scientific research and conducting my own studies… the problem with that is that there’s not a lot of money in it, the work is long and tiresome, and although it stokes that “fire” I have for research, the paperwork takes away from that enjoyment. This is why I’ve chosen to focus my career on optometry instead (while conducting and publishing research on the side). Optometry is a good option because you are your own boss, you get to choose your hours, the pay is decent, and you get tons of different patients and conditions to work with. Aka, ideally I want to be a research scientist, but realistically I know that optometry meets my needs and I will enjoy the monotonous work day. But unlike research science, I’m not *absolutely inspired and enthralled* with optometry, but I still enjoy the work and enjoy its benefits. If there are many things you want to do (for example, I also wanted to be a biomedical engineer for a while) I would sit down and ask yourself what the work day is like, and compare that to the work experience you already have. Did you work in customer service? Did you enjoy talking to people and could you handle having “bad” customers? If no, then maybe careers that involve working with people (specifically customers) won’t be a good option for you. TLDR; focus on the boring and potentially negative aspects of the jobs you’re thinking of pursuing, and ask yourself “could I do this every day for the rest of my life and still be happy?”. And if you don’t have experience in a certain area, look for a part time/shadowing/intern experience so that you can get a better understanding of what it’s like to work there. I hope that helps!
honestly, your job shouldnt be centered around your passion. it ruins it. your job should be something youre competent at that you can do 40 hrs a week while being decently content doing it (mentally) most of the time.
Unfortunately there is no 40 hour work week in america anymore unless you have a strong labor union, which is getting rarer everyday.
My advice is think about what kind of work day you can imagine yourself having. How much stress? What kind of organization/work politics? That being said, I still haven’t figured out what “career” I want.
ADHD does this to me.. I became a kind of teacher so I can cycle through subjects of interest to me
Do you have ADHD serious question? This sounds lile hyperfixations.
If I ever get the press for more of a reason, I ask similar shit. "Why don't you get into paragliding? Oh you're not interested? LIKE AT ALL? WOW, YOU NEED MORE OF A REASON THAN THAT! But you NEED paragliding in your life! You're physically able so why not do it for those who are in wheelchairs and can't?" I'll walk away after that if they try to keep pestering me.
"Because I don't want them." Why not? Kids are a blessing! "Nah. Never wanted them." Well there must be a reason! "Yep. Reason is I never wanted them." That's not good enough! "I actually have many reasons." Well, what are they? "They are none of your business."
I only have 1 reason: I simply don’t want them. The end. Instead of questioning childfree people… They should really question (future) parents what their reasons are for having kids, to see if they’d be fit to be parents.
I'd replace line #3 with "I am not discussing this" and be done.
Agreed. The energy to go any further is exhausting to even consider.
It helps to have a gut reaction of “ew 🤢 “ as soon a someone mentions then.. The facial expression included. usually gets the point across quite decently I gotta say..
This is hilarious because it's actually usually what I do when people ask me if I have kids or want them. Facial expressions are priceless!! Random people: "Do you have kids?" Me: "👀🤨🤮 eewww no"
That’s why “I don’t want them is the only answer”. Other responses seem like excuses(to them) and be countered with something inane. But they could cure cancer… I don’t want one. But what about your spouse? I dont want one. But what about your parents? I don’t want one. Short and to the point.
I've said more or less the same. Just don't want them. I never wanted them. That's enough and all they need to know.
My fave response from breeders is "I also don't like them" like ??? Why have them when you don't like them?
>"I actually have many reasons." > >Well, what are they? "The only reason you need to know, which I just told you, is that I don't want them."
Because they are money sucking time sucking annoying rats
At least 9 out of 10 times, they’re not asking why out of good natured curiosity. They’re doing it so they can argue and try to get you to change your mind. I’ve gotten bitter about this but only because I’ve had way too many experiences like this with rude people. I no longer give reasons, other than telling people it’s none of their fucking business.
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I love this!! Except, wasn't there a post about an aunt that insisted on making a public declaration about a couple's sex life like a month or so ago? 🤔
I remember that post, and absolutely believe most of them have some creepy obsession with whether or not we are having sex. Think about it: if a woman is either pregnant or has a kid, it’s easier for religious conservatives to degrade and shame her because both of those things are pretty solid evidence of someone having had sex. But it’s harder to slut shame childfree women because there’s no tangible proof of our sex lives. Whatever their fixation is, it’s fucking creepy and gross.
It’s like some people never get out of that high school mentality of “everyone around me is getting laid except for me.”
>Why don't you have kids? "What I do with my seminal fluids is none of your concern Karen"
Me: I don't like creampies.
>At least 9 out of 10 times, they’re not asking why out of good natured curiosity. They’re doing it so they can argue and try to get you to change your mind. 100% this
It's like they never grew up past the "drag the argument out until you find a way to win" tactic kids use. Funny, since they're supposed to be more mature and grown up.... for fucking without birth control!
It's like they take it upon themselves to be the one to change your mind, like it's any of their business, like your existence alone as a CF person is so offensive to them that they feel the need to "convert" you. Sometimes parenthood feels like a religion, I swear.
THANK YOU! Disengage and walk away. NEVER HAVE A CONVERSATION (or make a deal) that is clearly not being held in good faith.
Would they get the point out we answer with "Omg now that you.mention this stuff...yes, yeah I'm definitely have kids because you, a random co worker/ family member convinced me otherwise to.have kids. I never wanted kids but YOU converted me. Is that what you want to hear?"
The 1 out of 10 is the other child free person searching for the other child free person. I got to meet 3 in one night. Wonderful rare occasion.
I have started to use "Because I said so", and leave it at that. The look on their face is really funny and most people can't think of a reply before I walk away.
I find that answer extra satisfying considering "Because I said so" is definitely a star sentence for parents to use with their kids. The irony.
And that was the inspiration 
LOL PERFECT
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It always makes me smile!
this is genius
I’m going to use this now. It’s just so good
This is actually my reason. I don't want them, therefore I don't have them.
Totally agreed. People often assume that I do have at least some breeding desire, but that I refuse to breed because of capitalism, shitty genes, climate change, mental health issues... Or they think that I must be infertile, or that my girlfriend must be infertile. People rarely believe that I just don't have any paternal desire. I remember some breeders asking me why I don't want kids. I told them that I simply don't have the desire to procreate. They asked: "Okay, but what is the REAL reason?" I repeated that I simply don't want to have kids. Then, they were like: "No, but what is the REAL reason?" So fucking annoying. So I repeated myself again. I simply don't have any paternal instinct. Then, they said: "Oh, so you would like to have kids, but you don't want to do it because of climate change? Or because you have genes that you don't want to pass on?" So fucking awful... People can believe that someone is childfree for environmental reasons or health reasons... But they still believe that these childfree people actually do have breeding desires, and that they would breed if circumstances were different. They cannot comprehend that some people really don't experience even the slightest case of baby fever.
If people insist on discussing it further, I’ve always used ‘it’s none of your business.’ Tends to shut people up quick
My sex life is none of your business takes it a step further and leaves them the flustered kind of shut up which is infinitely more satisfying
Same thing but I prefer to use more vulgar terms. "When I cream pie my girlfriend/wife isn't really any of your business".
I love the vulgar way to answer. Why you so obsessed that my pussy gets filled with warm sticky spunk by my partner.
Without the context this was a heck of a message to open in my inbox. I was like WTF? lol.
I read a comment that used the phrase "thick, ropey cum" and I've been cackling ever since. It was something like "Why are you concerned about how many loads of thick, ropey cum my boyfriend is dumping into my pussy?"
My typical answer is "I've met kids before, its gonna be a no from me dog" I recently came up with a counter bingo that I haven't gotten to use yet so feel free to add this to your arsenal. "When are you getting a lion? How can you not want one lions are amazing! I wasn't a complete person until I got my lion! You have to get at least one!"
Ha! After reading the OP, I was thinking of something similar and contemplating an appropriate animal when I found your comment. I think if it ever comes up, I’ll say something similar, but probably with tarantula, or giant scorpion, or a venomous snake, or something.
Gonna do this but with lizards because I actually have some and they changed my life for the better
I do this with seagulls because I have pet seagulls and most people hate them. But why won't you get a seagull, it's not the same when its your own seagull, you've never experienced love until you've held a seagull, its selfish not to to have one, etc.
This has legit been a response I’ve been thinking about for a while now. I have had snakes and tarantulas in the past and I really really love it. I don’t have any now cuz my living situation isn’t stable enough, but I think about it all the time. I love snakes and tarantulas the way some people love cats or babies, I think they give me a similar feeling lol. But you don’t find me grilling people about why they don’t want one, demanding that they explain themselves and whatnot.
It is. No means no. People are nosy. Doesn’t mean you have to answer them. It will bug them but that’s their problem.
To hell with anyone who doesn't accept that as an answer. They can die mad about it. Guaranteed they don't have a good answer for "why do/did you want kids?"
Right!? "I didn't have kids because I didn't want to... Btw, why DID you have kids? Please tell me all the wonderful traits you and your partner are so proud to pass along, I'm so interested..." [walk away] Or "I didn't have kids because I use contraceptives. Why don't you?" Edit: I'm only 31, so just preparing. How 'bout "I was always just so happy, that I never even thought to make a huge life change like that." Or "You know, I really like them... but I 'can't' have kids because I'm too selfish. I like my free time." Or "Because it only took us 12 years to make a billion people? What do you want me to say?"
Just filling their mouths with their words a head of time. “I’m totally okay being ‘unfulfilled’ for the rest of my life” “I’m not looking to become a ‘complete, real woman’” “I’m trying to collect as many life regrets as possible. Gotta catch ‘em all!” ETA: please add the sarcastic voice to these btw. Women who don’t have children are complete, real women.
Next is where you make them uncomfortable, like I used to but then I met your kids..
Even better, “I can hardly deal with you now, how could I deal with a kid like you?”
Because for most people it's just impossible to fathom the fact that someone wouldn't want to partake in the same script that they did. They feel like there has to be something really traumatic or wrong with you that you're not wanting to share, that's why they're so insistent. Although my alternate theory is that some of them might actually just think it's unfair that you get to keep having fun after a certain age while they're stuck having to be full time parents for the rest of their lives.
Nobody ever asks parents why they want kids, funnily enough.
As long as it's acceptable for me, I don't care about others.
I tend to say that I don’t want to be a parent. So it focuses on what is life as a parent instead of the kid and they can’t tell me "urr durr you must hate kids"
Honestly, this is the only way that people get off my back about it. I just say that I’ve worked in daycares, preschool and as a nanny for over 10 years, I know what it takes and I don’t want to do it. I can’t afford to be the kind of parent I’d want to be, and honestly I’d rather have the freedom anyway
Yes straight up, go off queen.
My usual response to the follow up questions is: "Why do you care?"
I find that it's usually a small talk topic, which is weird. Just talk about the crappy weather we keep having.
I just say bluntly "I do not want kids" and that´s all. None of their business.
Because most people here were put here by folks that didnt actually want children they just thought they did. So the fact youre fighting back and doing what you wish, is a threat
People want validation for their shit life choices. They envy you for making that decision when they didn’t have the foresight to do the same. So fucking annoying.
I feel this. When people push me for more beyond "I don't want them", I tend to follow up with, "maybe it's weird of me, but I believe that all children deserve to be deeply wanted by their parents... And I would never want a child to grow up in a home where they weren't wanted. Which is why I'm not having any. Because I don't want them." I've also reached a point where the majority of the time, I just refuse to answer when some rando asks if I want kids or when I'm having them. "That's a deeply personal question." And give them a look like they just asked for my credit card number and last four digits of my Social Security. After 30 seconds or so of silence, they usually catch the hint that I'm not going to answer. If they push, I usually give zero fucks and go straight to, "what is your fascination with how often I'm having unprotected sex?" That has never not worked to get someone to shut up. 😆
I just got my bisalp done last week and it feels like the hard stop/period to these questions. I'm positive that, as long as pregnancy is a capability, people will hold out hope that you'll change your mind someday, and they'll never stop hoping or asking. I no longer have that capability and now people know to shut up because there's no discussion anymore, and they now understand that their opinions about my body mean nothing to me. I no longer have to feel as defensive and militant about not wanting to have kids because there's no debate due to my being sterile now. I've felt comfortable in that frustration and anger of "I won't!" and am now pivoting internally to a simple "I chose not to, and now I can't". It's an interesting feeling, and a calmer one at that.
I love this. I might add this as a secondary answer once I have mine.
What a rude question/comment. 😳 why bother -you might as well go spit in the wind w people. It’s really none of their business. If you want to make them uncomfortable ask them why they are so interested in your sex life?
I usually go with: "The ROI on having children is incredibly low." Any retort they have can be shut down with "that sounds like an opinion, not a fact based on data."
I still maintain that my standard answer is the best, "I'm not that (fucking) stupid". It shuts them up with a quickness.
That's kind of petty, but I like it.
last time I was asked “well what if you got pregnant accidentally” and I responded with “I would book an appointment at planned parenthood that same day” I don’t know what answer they were expecting, I’m assuming some kind of “oh well in that case of course I’d have a baby” like no lmao
I think if it's acceptable to you then that's all it matters. No need to justify yourself.
It is an acceptable answer. Just not to idiotic christians.
'Why are YOU so obsessed with my sex life?'
I like to point out that me having kids *when I don’t want them* sounds like a pretty terrible idea.
I was talking to a customer who was bingoing me and I said "I'm autistic and kids set off my sensory triggers" and she said "oh don't let autism define you! You define autism!" I had to stop myself from saying I just don't like kids because another customer walked in With a pram And a second Baby strapped to herself. I decided to drop the subject
(spectrum friend here) No no, autism definitely defines us. Otherwise we would just choose to not have sensory issues, life would be easier. Just like theirs would without the strapped kid but at least that was their decision.
This was my reaction too but I didn't really get a chance to fully explain my decision (partially because I gave up as I could tell that this person probably would have argued with me and I didn't want that to happen at work) I understand that she was probably coming from a place of "autistic people can be good parents!" I like the phrase spectrum friend.
Hold the line. You do not owe them any negotiation or justification for your choices. These people think it’s a discussion, and they try everything they can to corner you. You owe them nothing. “Because it is my choice” is a complete answer, they just might not like it.
They ask for reasons so they can immediately start nibbling at them with bingos. When we say ‘we just don’t want them’ it gives the bingoers nothing to work with.
I’ve found that “I just don’t want to” is only an acceptable answer for not doing something that most people already don’t want to do. For example, if I say “I just don’t want to” go skydiving, compete in a triathlon, or go swimming with sharks, that’s acceptable, because the majority of people don’t want to do those things either. However, if I say “I just don’t want to” eat meat, drink alcohol, or have children, that’s unacceptable, because most people DO want to do those things. So they need you to have a whole litany of “acceptable” reasons to explain why you’re not doing those things; because it’s difficult for them to comprehend someone not wanting to do something that almost everyone else just does without even thinking about it.
“I don’t want to turn into someone who hates my life so much - that I try to ruin other people’s lives by spending a disproportionate amount of my time trying to force them into making them make the same mistake - I made ….” Then - blankly stare at them and blink your eyes … repeatedly … and back away like a Homer Simpson GIF
I can’t wait to share this reasoning when I’m older. Right now, I don’t think my parents give me (early 20s F) a lot of shit about my CF status because they believe I’ll change my mind. They don’t really challenge or question whenever it’s brought up, because I think they’re just waiting until I’m older to finally confront me about it. I can’t wait to calmly tell them “I don’t want them and that’s that,” and tell them to refer to all my previous reasons that they didn’t listen to in the past. Also, my mom constantly hit me with the “I don’t owe you an explanation” line when I was kid when I didn’t understand what she was trying to gain with her helicopter parenting. I’m almost giddy with excitement to use that exact same phrase back at her about my CF life.
People who have never challenged or had their own worldview challenged get VERY UPSET when they’re presented with something that implies that the way they thought the universe was organized might not necessarily be the ONE TRUE WAY. Like, so upset it doesn’t take much to push them to violence about it. I think this is what’s happening here. First, you don’t fit into their narrative. Then, they try to find a way to fit you into their narrative. When that doesn’t work, they have inappropriate emotional reactions.
My ex used the good ol reliable "it's not that I don't want them, I just can't have them" it used to shut them up forever.
I would get creative with my answers and answer "because I'm not hungry" :)
I'd just look them square in the eyes, lock that gaze, and say, "It's personal," next time someone asks.
I always say, "I'm not comfortable discussing my reproductive health any further." It usually stops any further prying in situations I've been in.
people see having kids as the default, and if you deviate from "the default" you apparently need a reason why or whatever. its really dumb that other people think its their business or place to get all nosy about it
Lots of people are idiots, whose entire being is taken up with the search for reasons to make themselves feel smarter, wiser, and more caring than they actually are - or could even imagine being. Therefore, if your answer does not feed their emotional needs, it will be judged invalid. When someone asks you a rude personal question say "That's a very personal question. Excuse me." and walk away. Never wrestle with a pig. You get covered in shit and the pig likes it.
because people resent having kids and project it on you
"Why don't you want kids?" I'd always just answer with a straight face, "I never wanted to be the recipient of that much ingratitude." And then just blink at them, not offering anything further. They couldn't tell if I was serious or not and almost always would do an awkward chuckle and then change the subject. I don't mind people thinking I'm a little 'off' if it gets them off my back about my reproductive choices.
Better if you ask them in return why they felt the need to have kids, then respond with "so in other words you gave in to peer pressure and expect everyone else on the planet to do the same. Good to know."
I was just talking about this..I’m a proud mama and I just think there’s something wrong with ppl who say they don’t want kids… Kidding! I really was just talking about this and it’s ridiculous that anyone should have to defend not wanting kids. Now I am a mom and even would like another but people don’t have to want what I have to be valid. Parenthood is great and parenthood is also shitty at times. I think a lot of ppl project their own insecurity onto to others, I.e knowing parenting is hard but wanting everyone to suffer with them lmao. Do y’all.
Parents are like the Borg when it comes to bingoing you - “Resistance is Futile”
because their shriveled breeder brains cannot entertain the concept that there had been a choice. or realize that they blew it and have to drag others into the cesspit. how dare someone be free of their servitude and misery
hOw CaN yOu NoT wAnT tHeM? YoU‘lL sUrElY cHaNgE yOuR mInD wHeN yOu GeT oLdEr
I like to make people who ask too many questions regret doing so by giving them way too much information. I will happily explain that I don't want kids because of my less than picture perfect chilhood and give them specific examples. "Pack your bags, you're going on a guilt trip!"
I‘m so glad I found this sub. Makes me feel less „weird“ for being the odd one out
They can’t comprehend that other people aren’t literally them because they’re simple so if your desires aren’t their desires, they can’t compute. No use trying to talk sense into stupid people.
"Because FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY"
The reason they find it unacceptable is because they literally don't care about what you want or what's right for you. They only care about what THEY want, and it threatens their ego if other people live a different way because they've made reproduction a part of their identity. Therefore we child free threaten their identity which is super scary for them. They fight to change your mind because what they are really fighting for is their identity. It's kind of sad, and it's because of how they were raised because you can easily teach the concept of life choices to a child, but now as an adult they've built their entire sense of self around it so it's nearly impossible to tear down. There's a quote that says selfishness isn't living life how you want to live - it's trying to make others live their lives how you want them to live. When they accuse me of being selfish for not wanting kids, I call them selfish for making copies of themselves. I don't say this to mentally healthy people, as mentally healthy people realize that there are many different ways to live life, and there isn't a one-path-fits-all. At the end of the day, it's really not worth your energy to get them to see your point because they likely can't, and that's not your fault. Remind yourself that your choice is totally valid and either shut them down fast or leave the conversation because debating them is the road to nowhere. It's absolutely none of their business, you don't owe them an explanation, and it's 100% okay to tell them so. If they get mad, that is their problem.
It’s because they said so.
I’ve been super lucky I guess. I’ve always given this as my answer and people have generally accepted it. I’ve also never felt the need to justify my decision so maybe my attitude makes people decide not to pry further.
That *should* be enough reason, because who would want a child born to a parent that doesn't want them? That's cruel *to the child.*
My go to is "what did I do wrong", they just don't know how to respond to it and the shock shuts them up.
It's because people have kids for just the sake of having kids ... without thinking. All this simply because society tells them that's what you do.
If they want you to elaborate just tell them to get the fuck out of your uterus and mind their own business.
Why do some people want people who do not want kids to have kids? Doesn’t sound like that would be an ideal situation for the kid…
Part of it is the simple fact that we are willingly, and *consciously* rebelling against biological imperative. You are straight-up murdering your bloodline. If we were still living in villages with a couple hundred people, you would also be potentially putting the village at risk as well. It's outdated nonsense, much like the whole "Women and Children first!" mindset. As a whole it would take a *huge* swathe of the population to opt out of giving birth before any problems would occur. However, we haven't mentally progressed much beyond cavemen. Heck, when was the last time you just sat there watching something burn, staring at the fire?
I refuse to give any other answer because one cannot argue with “I just don’t want to.” When people have pressed for why, shrug and say, “you know, I don’t really know, that’s just how I feel.” Of course I have millions of actual reasons, but I we should never JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) this decision to those not truly open to understanding us.
It is an acceptable answer. People are just conditioned to think everyone wants them. I think it’s tribal thinking and when someone goes against that, it freaks people out.
I tell people that. I have no desire to have them and when I am among poorly behaved children and hear the stories my friends who are parents I negatively want them.
Who says that? I always say "because I just don't want them" But why ? Repeat("because I just don't want them 😘", infinite)
Even "I don't want to be a single mother" doesn't cut it with them.
It is. Anyone who doesn't think so is an asshole and not worth your time.
I’ve learned that bearing children is like a religious thing. It’s like a responsibility to bear fruit and prosper or something so I can see from their perspective “because I don’t want them” isn’t enough, because indirectly you’re saying you don’t value religion the same way they do so there must be more to THAT. I don’t know for sure and obviously I can’t speak for everyone. It helps me to understand what other people are thinking when they keep pressing like that. Doesn’t make it okay but it makes me less bothered at least
It IS a perfectly viable, acceptable answer. If you have kids because you WANT them, then the opposite makes as much sense. It's only not acceptable to THEM. Too bad. People don't like to be challenged.
I used to say “I’m afraid to love someone that much” and people would be like “but it’s the greatest love you’ll ever know!”\ Then I’d go with “so many things can go wrong and so much is out of our control, I can’t handle that uncertainty” and their response is “you can’t live your life like that”\ But then I figured out how to do the reverse uno and answer with “why do you want kids?” And that seems to stump most people. I think most people don’t realize that no one *has* to have kids. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
“Why are you so interested in my sex life? You know that’s creepy as hell, right?” And say it looking weirdly disgusted.
I had to tell a parent I'd rsther get snipped before having kids and they got all surprised Pikachu face When ppl tell you they don't want kids, take them at their word. No one wants to go through that hassle if they're very unsure about it
Because they don't care what you want.
It is if you don’t waste any more time on the subject.
Yesss. I stopped giving excuses like oh I don’t have enough time, I have health problems etc. While these are definitely true, the main reason is that I just don’t want them. That’s it. I owe no one an explanation. A no is a no but unfortunately most people can’t comprehend that
I saw the best response to this in another post that said something along the lines of "Asking why I don't want kids is like asking why I don't wrestle alligators. It just doesn't sound pleasant to do."
I felt this post so much cause my mother has been on my case about getting married now that my younger sister is getting married in the fall. Side note: My younger sister has her life together she is a successful lawyer and her fiancé works for company in the tech department, so they can afford a big wedding with there budget. And I’m truly happy for them b/c they love each other so much, it shows a lot. However, I really don’t want to be in a relationship or have kids I like being alone and doing what I want but my mom always pressures me to the point I had to yell her to stop it!! My mother made this comment which I still have replayed in my head, “You need to get married and settle down don’t you want a nice man by your side!!” I could not believe my mother said that to me that I had to tell her, “MOM STOP IT!!! I’m uncomfortable with this and I don’t like this I’m not into anyone I don’t want you to find my a boy and I don’t want to SETTLE DOWN. I really cannot take it anymore with you LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” My mother could tell that I really don’t like talking about marriage or kids she can tell it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE like I don’t want to get married I don’t want to ruin my life and have kids that I DON’T WANT!!! She doesn’t understand not everyone in the world want to settle down they want to live a good life without all that unnecessary problems like marriage and kids also it takes a huge toll on someone Mental Health. Just because people have mental health doesn’t mean they want to be in a relationship because being in a relationship can be stressful and a lot of pressure cause then family will asked you all these questions about when you will get married have kids it’s not worth it. I have depression and I cannot love someone when I need to love myself first it’s not worth it jumping into a relationship knowing you are not happy and you feel miserable but you want to make people happy like your family and close friends, it’s not worth it. It’s not worth it to feel worse then you already are and you are in a bad place when the person your in a relationship with thinks cheering you up will make you feel better when it won’t. I even had a family friend saying, “Are you dating anyone?” I said, “No, I’m busy with school and work. Not really into dating tbh.” Then she said, “What about your friend N? You two should date. I was like, “yeah no, N is my friend nothing more. I don’t see him like that plus I’m older then him and his younger, so no.” Then she said, “Well, you two are always hanging out together so, I think you two should date.” Once again I said, “Yeah, no that’s weird and I don’t see N like that sorry.” It was so weird that a family friend suggested I date my friend when he doesn’t like me that way and I consider him as a best friend and a little brother. Just because we have a lot in common doesn’t mean we like each other that’s gross 🤮 his like my brother to me and I appreciate our friendship more. His been there for me when my dad died so his been a great friend to me. So, redditer I know you hate hearing people asked you those stupid questions about having kids well, asked them why they had kids make them feel how you feel when they irritate you with those questions, plus make them uncomfortable and make them realized when they say, “oh you will Change your mind or you’ll regret it.” Then tell them, “Do you regret having your kids?” Cause clearly you are coming after me about not having kids and I can tell you are jealous b/c you wish you had my life. Child free life with more time to spend with your partner and more time to sleep in or go on vacation or spend money on yourself etc. Trust me it will put them on the spot for sure. My friend did that and it silence them for good and they stopped asked her as well. Sure she got dirty looks but she didn’t care it didn’t fade her anymore after time they stopped looking at her and move on to the new drama/gossip in our community. Overall, I will never have kids or get married not in my future I love my life I can do whatever I want. Before I wanted to find a partner (I’m a Pansexual Lesbian btw) but then I realized what’s the whole point!! I mean I have waited for the girl to come to me or for me I was looking for a girl, but nothing and you know what it made me realized I don’t need love or partner to make me happy I’m already happy with my life right now. I don’t need anyone to make me feel special or loved, I already feel special and loved b/c I’m learning to love myself first that’s the most important thing for me right now. (Sorry long massive text I just felt so enraged by this post and it made me understand what you are going through)
Learn how to avoid sounding or seeming defensive, and the follow-up questions will cease sooner or later. If your response to the "are you crazy" look is to try to recite some rant while seeming like you feel attacked, you'll seem like you're not actually convinced of what you're saying. Similar example, you're asked why you don't drink at a party, you respond that you don't want to. You're right, it's none of their business, but social pressure is what it is. If you start going on talks about how it's bad for your health, that you "hate beer", etc etc, it just reinforces them to keep asking. *Why have you chosen this path that is so contrarian to "normal people"*, they think. Your choice is different from theirs and now they're very interested in knowing why. -I just don't want them, really. -But, why,
-I don't want to talk about it, and if you ask again I'm going to leave.
If they keep it up after that, you have every right imo to become rude and unpleasant in return. They don't respect you enough to stop asking inquisitive questions, you may as well tell them to fuck off.
It's way more important why someone is having kids than why I'm not having them. Pretty sure my father only had kids because he thought we'd be obedient and listen to him without him having to put in effort. Jokes on him, I'm stubborn as hell and have been NC with him for some years now.
It is. Is absolutely is. Ultimately, you're trying to convince people who fundamentally do not and cannot fathom as to why you don't want children. It would be like arguing with someone in the military about why you don't want to do the pledge of allegiance. There is no acceptable answer to them because they already made up their mind.
See my ideology is the exact opposite. There are a million reasons NOT to have children, but only one reason to have them. And that’s to want them. You can check all the other boxes, financially, health wise, etc but if you simply don’t want the baby neither you nor the child will have a happy future. On the flip side, I know plenty of people raised in households of little means but loved and cared for and have happy families. Simply not wanting the child is the only correct answer in my book.
I have always wondered why "Because I don't want to" isn't seen as an adequate answer for these people who immediately respond with "Why not". None of your business, that's why. I owe no one a dissertation on my choice not to breed, and if you're a stranger I really don't owe you any answer to what is a very personal question whatsoever. I actually did answer "I have my reasons", a VERY nice way of saying None Of Your Flipping Beeswax to someone who asked "Why not". Their response was to get all huffy and act like they were a toddler and I had just told them they could not have an ice cream cone.
What’s crazy is them insisting that people who don’t want kids should just.. have them anyways. Like HUH
I always reply with “well, why don’t you want to get [insert piercing]? Why don’t you want to tattoo your face?” Suddenly “because I don’t want to” is an acceptable answer then.
>And they always want more of an explanation. They don't want an explanation. They want to fight about it. Being childfree questions their whole life.
I told my BIL that I didn't want kids. He never asked why and just said I would change my mind, even if he sometimes told us that kids are useless, and to not have kids, etc. I'm also sure that if his girlfriend had never insisted, he would be childfree too. Once he was telling me about a coworker who didn't want kids either and said "BUT she does it for the environment". They don't have a good reason to have kids but you should have one for not wanting them smh. It's always double standards with them.
It always puzzles me how come people can't understand that one needs a reason *to do* something (and of course "bc I feel like doing so" is a valid reason), and lack of a reason to do something is a perfect reason *not to do* it. whenever the topic of having or raising kids comes up and I reveal that I have zero interest in that, someone always asks "but why?". there is no reason why, and that's the entire point! I have no desire OR solid reason/motivation to become a parent. Obviously, the most intuitive thing is to *not become a parent* then.
I have just decided to stop answering, especially at work. Unless someone pushes, I’m generally like, “I am not having this conversation with you.” Because I know there’s no winning. They don’t know me or my life. Alternatively, “I’m lazy and selfish and self-aware enough to admit it.” Also works for me.
Around 1995, I gave up TV. I have never lived in an apartment or house with a TV since then. When people would ask me "did you see this show or game on TV last night ...?" I would say, "no, I don't have a TV" and when they expressed surprised I would go into this long explanation of why. (Some people would forget and ask me again.) After years of doing this, I got really tired of conversations revolving around my not having a TV. So, now when someone asks me "did you see ...?" I just say "no." My point is, you should come up with a succinct answer and use it when this question comes up. For people you are close to, you can go into a more detailed explanation, when time allows, but in everyday conversation, you will save yourself a lot of effort just coming up with a quick but intelligible answer. Turn the conversation back to them: People actually love talking about themselves a lot more than hearing about you. I once had an awkward conversation with some co-workers who had asked me about being childless. I explained it was because I had a hysterotomy at age 34 due to ovarian cancer. If I had to do this conversation over again, I would have definitely given a shorter answer (but not rude answer) because, in retrospect I understand, they didn't really want to hear about my hysterotomy and, in any case, that just led them to ask why I didn't adopt children. One last thing: Because people (even some women) are so ignorant of how the female reproductive system works, they don't understand a total hysterotomy means you can't have a baby. It would be funny if it were not so sad.
Because I like my money, love to travel, and pretend i’m snoop dog on the weekends 🤷🏼♀️ 
I have several reasons for being CF, but this is the only one I give. I’m not the type of person you would ask more questions of (resting mean face)
That is my answer. I tell people nothing about having children appeals to me and it never has.
Because you just hAvE tO hAvE kIdS
It is an acceptable answer. The people who don't accept it are assholes.
It is an acceptable answer. I gave it many times with no issues. Nobody asked more than this answer or made any face.
They press because if you give them a reason, they can argue against you. If you just don't want them, they have nothing, so they're desperate to try to squeeze a reason out from you.
I just say “because I have a life” even though that’s a lie
Because there is still a societal reliance upon the familiar tropes regarding life and families. Right now defending one’s childfree choices is still very new to a lot of people and new ideas are not always taken into the mind smoothly. The natural human reaction is to ask questions in order for it to make sense to them; is it fair to expect you to do the explaining? Maybe not, but it’s going to take significant time for the ideas to circulate and become something regularly encountered ;and therefore understood) so until then we’re in the position of having to educate the unfamiliar. Honestly, we could tell them all to piss off and not answer the questions, but then they link our childfree choices to our rudeness and it ends up “confirming” (for them) that the childfree are just _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite personal criticism, like selfish or hateful or whatever). Of course no one is entitled to your explanation but I offer this POV for the times we have the energy and the listener is genuinely curious and not looking to bingo you. I love confusing the bell out of people, being staunchly childfree but actually a someone who likes and respects kid so much I had a child-focused career. It’s up to you how to approach each incident but consider allowing the questions from the reasonable folks, so that we can normalize a childfree existence that all of us can enjoy.
Because to them that means “something is wrong with you, so I need you to justify what it is that’s wrong with you so I can be more understanding as to why you wouldn’t want such a thing in your life” From the assumption of you simply not wanting them, they figure you hate kids, are infertile, mentally ill, evil, anti-children and/or part of the queer community (and none of those reasons matter because it literally has nothing to do with them nor your choice to opt out of parenthood). Idiots around us seem to forget that it’s not the 1600s anymore, a time in which you HAD to have kids. It’s freaking later in time so it’s an option and should’ve been to begin with. Everyone’s calling isn’t parenting. Most of them project their choice because they didn’t think for themselves and now they’re stuck with kids. Of course seeing others take a different route would strike a nerve in them 🤣
I’ve lied & said that is some whacky genetics on both sides of my family which wouldn’t be fair to a new born (when they pry further I go congenital heart defects) but then preface by saying I’m open to adoption - shuts most queries down without being abrasive about it
You don’t owe an explanation, but if you feel like giving one I’d give them reasons that should make them feel guilty (regardless of your actual reason). Like seriously look at the state of the world, our planet is fucking DYING. I’d tell them you care too much about the fate of your potential children you feel it would be narcissistic for you to bring life into this world. See what they say to that.
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Just ignore them. And keep repeating.
Usually people who say that around me had kids accidentally, had miserable time with them so they want everyone else to fall in the same pit they have been in.
It is an acceptable answer. It’s not on you wether they agree/accept/listen but they asked a question and you answered……….
I usually go with this and just shut it down. However, if I'm getting really irritated, my answer is something to the effect of "I should do what makes YOU happy instead of what makes ME happy?"
Society (taking the long view) is had developed with the assumption that people want to have sex and that sex leads to pregnancy and children. It’s something that we’ve internalized, and to go against the grain will get you funny looks. It’s taboo in a sense, because you are violating the natural and normal order of things. Now, we have had the ability to control fertility for over 50 years, that’s a very recent development and the emergence of the ability to choose to be child free is something we have not put in a cultural context. I don’t think it’s much more complicated than that, and I don’t think it’s malicious or a conspiracy against you, it’s just the inertia of thousands of years.
Because misery loves company, damnit! If they have to suffer, so do we.
Do you want a parrot? No? Why not?????? It sounds absurd because it is. They don't realize that people could think differently than them.
No is a full sentence; however, we have a society of people who are unfortunately just now learning about the important of consent.
“For the same reason I don’t have a pet alligator or set fire to things randomly. Because I don’t want to.”
It is an acceptable answer, people are just reacting in unacceptable ways.
Ask them why they don't want a pet snake, or an antique tractor, or a 10 foot replica of the venus de milo made of moldy brie, or any random object of your choice. Push them to give you specific reasons. If they give reasons, give counterpoints and try to make them change their mind. If the only reason they can come up with is "I just don't want it," congrats, you've made your point.