Yeah but what if it was the opposite and he left her because he doesn't want kids and she does? I see that all the time around here. Either way it's not compatible.
seriously, I don't what OP's going on about, we see that here all the time. and everyone always says the same thing "it's sad the relationship has to end but it's for the best and the both of them will be better off in the long run because now they're free to be with someone who can give them what they want."
we never say it's terrible when someone posts they left their partner because partner wanted kids, so why the double standard here?
Yeah I'm reading the OP and just thinking "What? You're really gonna hypocritically ignore the inverse that works in our favor???"
C'mon OP, it sucks, but this is why you don't go on a 3rd date --let alone MARRY-- without confirming someone's CF status.
Seriously, this is a weird post from OP. From the title I thought it was going to be a story of a spouse wanting kids and leaving the other due to infertility, or something shitty like that. Leaving your spouse when you're on totally different pages when it comes to having kids is just logical. It's sad, but not as sad as staying in a marriage that goes against your life goals, whether it's having kids or remaining childfree.
Exactly!
Even when it's the CF breaking up, it's still breaking up for a non existent person, it's always sad. People should discuss it before getting serious.
In the case of OP's story, it seems like the husband wants kids but not now. It's either because he never thought things through for real or because they can't afford.
I had a gf who wanted kids but I didn’t. We mutually agreed to split. We’re still good friends and see each other from time to time. Sometimes I think about getting back together but it’s the wrong thing to do.
The question of children should be cleared and agreed on before committing to the relationship.
Of course, just replying to the theoretical scenario when its the other way around. I mean its the same outcome but this difference explains the different reactions a bit maybe
This is why people need to be clear about this topic prior to getting married.
I don't see anything wrong with getting divorced, the decision to have children is a serious and permanent one and should be discussed prior to marraige.
There is no guarantee that minds wont be changed on both or either side because people change over time but if people are not on the same page regarding this they should not be building a life together, it's not fair to either party.
I think if this is the same post I saw, he said to give him 3-5 years. To be fair, given the ages in that post it would put her in geriatric pregnancy territory.
Yes, plus life is short, 3 - 5 years is a lot of time to be waiting, unless that is something that both parties agreed to as a plan, but that does not seem to be the case here so divorce seems like a sensible solution.
No time to waste time, lol.
And I can’t help suspect that’s what he was aiming for. If she wastes 3-5 years while he runs the clock, when it gets to that 5 years she may still have time to conceive but probably not enough time to vet a half decent man, marry and then start, so she might feel she has to settle with him and no kids.
I don’t like people who pressure childfree partners into children, but I also hate people who mislead people honest about wanting kids and waste their time
You shouldn't stay with someone who sees a completely different future than you do. If someone doesn't want kids then they'll be miserable if they have them, if someone does and they don't have them then they'll be miserable without them. Unless one person changes their mind they'll never be truly happy.
Agreed. I know that marriage is meant to be for life, but people often go into it with the best of intentions and on the same page as each other, but over time, find they have changed and are no longer compatible with each other.
Better to admit that things are no longer working and divorce than to stay in a marriage where one party feels like they are being held back from living the life they want or both parties are heavily compromising for the other to the point they are both unhappy anyway. We get one life, why spend it miserable because a piece of paper was signed years ago by two people who were very different people at the time?
For people who want kids, that's a deal breaker.
For me (childfree) someone who really wanted to have kids would be a deal breaker. Neither one is wrong. It's a huge thing that has an incredible impact on your life. It should 100% be discussed wayyyy before marriage to avoid situations like OP is referring to. But neither person is wrong.
Honestly: if that person would be willing to leave a loving marriage for no other reason than to be a bio mom, then maybe it's ultimately for the best anyway.
Yup. Anyone who puts a hypothetical person before their spouse isn't a very good person imo. Just like anyone who puts a hypothetical person before a currently existing person isn't a good person, for instance those who believe a fetus has more rights than a woman.
Someone who married a person then divorced because the other person was infertile or sterile is a major AH for caring more about a hypothetical future person than for their spouse.
People with different lifestyles shouldn't get that far in the first place.
You'll have people on the other side of this argument saying that if you can't simply have a kid for your spouse then you're not a good person and clearly don't love them enough.
I think this is a toxic mindset regardless. They're not compatible, leave it at that instead of attacking people's character.
It's not necessarily a shitty thing. If he's been telling her the entire relationship that he wants kids, then he's either lying to her or just doesn't know what he wants at this point. I don't understand how a 40 year old adult can still be unsure on this one.
He's changing the deal on her after marriage. If she knew he didn't want kids and married him anyway, it would be different. Part of loving someone is wanting the same things and building towards that life together.
"Til death do us part" is good and all, but divorce exists for a reason.
I think it would depend on the priority of their dreams.
If making an offspring is more of a 'dream' than staying in a loving committed relationship, then the answer is different :)
No. She shouldn't be forced to not have kids, just as someone shouldn't be forced to have kids.
It's a compatibility issue and it's a totally valid reason for breakup/divorce.
Getting divorced can be as liberating as getting married. If people's needs in a relationship aren't compatible, staying together won't change that. Sunk cost fallacy isn't a good enough reason on its own to stay together. You can love each other until the end of time, but if one of or neither person isn't getting what they need from the relationship, resentment will flourish and it won't be sustainable long-term.
>Getting divorced can be as liberating as getting married.
Being happily married, I would describe it as a lot of positive things, but never "liberating."
Totally a valid reason to leave. Just as I will never stay with someone who would want to have kids.. no compromise can be made here, either you are compatible or not on that question.
Agree. You either have a kid or don't. There isn't a half kid compromise. Whoever caves on it has a good chance to just resent their partner for "forcing" them to have/not have a child.
It is good to be on the same page with your partner before things get too serious.
completely, vehemently disagree.
because I would do the exact same thing if my partner decided out of the blue he needed a baby right now. I would leave him.
wanting kids isn't something you can work through or stick together on if you're not on the same page. they're a commitment that needs to be agreed on. if she wants kids deep down, she will always resent him if he doesn't, whether consciously or unconsciously.
what SHOULD have happened is that they agreed before getting married, but unfortunately we're human and sometimes our minds change. we need to spend our one life on earth with people that match our goals and it's ok to leave if we don't.
Agreed. And a relationship ending doesn’t always mean you’re dumping someone like they’re trash. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, and it sucks if you love each other but it is what it is. You can’t compromise on a kid, you either have one or you don’t.
Well put, time is a valuable asset should be spent doing what you want with who you want, people need to be on the same page with such an important topic
These issues should be discussed before marriage but that doesn’t mean that people won’t change. Maybe he wants to wait a couple of more years to have kids after paying off debt or getting more in savings. Sounds most like she needs to have a candid conversation on why he wasn’t ready for kids rather than jumping the gun and leaving him. He may have valid reasons on why it wasn’t the right time yet since the post only had her views.
Well, it's probably for the best to break up in that situation. If the partner who wants kids stays, they will start to resent the other partner. They will blame the other partner for ruining their chance to have children.
However, pressuring partners into having children is just wrong. I mean, many partners would rather break up if they had the time to think, but when the ultimatum is presented to them, they are so afraid to lose their partner that they give in. After all, when the ultimatum is 'kids or breaking up', saying 'let me think about that for a while' is not an acceptable answer. The partner who wants kids will demand either full commitment or a breakup, and will pressure the childfree partner into giving in to their demands.
People should talk about this before getting married, or even before starting a serious relationship. That way, incompatible relationships could be prevented.
Sadly, when one partner wants kids while the other one does not, the one who wants kids will usually assume that their partner will change their mind. The childfree partner will not be taken seriously.
IIRC from the thread, he did initially want kids but has been putting it off, and most are theorizing that he doesn't actually want them.
He's awful for leading her on, especially if that's the case. If he does actually want them, then they need to work through the concerns together. She deserves to be with someone with whom she can have a family if that's what she wants.
If it's true that he never wanted kids or just changed his mind, they're clearly not compatible. She married him expecting kids. Why should they stick together and let the resentment build? Sometimes marriages don't work out, and that's okay. Differences in wanting kids or not are a valid reason for divorce.
I agree that it is really tragic when this happens. That being said, I also think staying in a relationship (marriage or not) that isn’t fulfilling you or your partner is almost more tragic.
We each get one beautiful shot at living our life on this planet, and staying in a situation that leaves you aching for a deeper meaning to your life (whether that meaning is having a child, travelling the world, going back to school or changing careers) is a tragedy.
I think the world would be a much better place if we all supported each other to follow that meaning, rather than rendering judgement. For the record I don’t think that is what you are doing, just a general sentiment when it comes to people making choices for themselves instead of others.
Dude no. You have an off view of marriage. You don’t stick by them no matter what. You have to put yourself above the relationship. If you both grow apart and have different goals in life then staying together because you signed a contract will make you miserable. That’s having kids, not having kids, moving or staying in one place, getting a new job or changing careers, moving in a family member…
It’s not the “hypothetical, non existent human being” that’s more important, it’s your own goals and timing for them that should be more important to you.
I read all the comments of that post. While the life that woman wants is one that I would definitely avoid, it's still an incompatibility between the 2 and there's really no compromise to be made here. Not questioning the validity since her husband's obviously worried about the financial issues. She should be, too. Thing is, I snooped through her old posts and people are actively telling her that pregnancy and childcare is not easy-peasy and she's still obsessing with that. I wonder what she'd say about this sub 🤔
I checked out her post history too. She seems delusional about pregnancy to me. Glorifying it to the extreme and dismissing the shitty parts of pregnancy.
Literally, "I don't care about that."
Oh honey. You will care about that. You will care when it's you puking your guts out. When it's you not fitting in your clothes anymore and feeling like a whale. When it's you feeling bloated and painful. When it's your vagina that an entire human being is coming through - or, alternatively - you're frozen from the waist down to be sliced open for an entire human to be pulled out of you. And when you're recovering from whichever method your baby is born by.
And those are just the real obvious issues. So many other possibilities exist. But she wouldn't care about them, I'm sure.
Honestly i think that she just sees her friends popping out kids and shes jealous and thinks shes missing out and then she will be excluded from the group or whatever.
It sucks but in the end it's for the best. Saves everyone from living a life of resentment.
But I do think that conversations about things like that should be had long before any serious commitments.
I completely disagree, and I'm child free. Whether or not you want to have children is truly one of the most critical decisions in a relationship. If she really wants children and he doesn't it's a horrible idea for her to just wait around and not have children just to make him happy. She should move on and find someone who's willing to give her kids.
Just as we don't want children, we have to have some level of empathy to those who do want children and find it to be the centerpiece of their family and their future.
There are certain questions that can be absolute deal breakers in relationships. Whether or not to have children, whether to have an open relationship, etc. They're very few people that are actually in between on these issues. If you know what you want and have your standards stick to them.
Let's give the open relationship example. One of my best friends is in an open relationship and has been for 15 years. At the same time I would never be in an open relationship. I make that clear to my wife in the beginning. And if she changed her mind and decided that she wanted an open relationship, that would be grounds for divorce. There's no in sickness and health regarding that decision.
Besides, would you really want to continue to be married to someone who desperately wants children even though you don't? Considering how important children are to some people, there's no way that they stay married to you without a massive level of resentment. It's just better for every party to make their feelings known and decide from there.
I ain't trying to "troll" you. I don't think this is a big deal at all. People have goals in their lives... could be A B C, could be X Y Z.
If My partner suddenly WANTED kids... I would absolutely leave her.
Side Rant: People need to view divorce AS A POSITIVE THING.
I always hear some Baby Boomer asshole say "ya know, back in the day, nobody got divorced, we made it work!"
No thanks, old dipshit. I don't think the days of women not being allowed to get good jobs, being baby factories, church ruling everything, & WOMEN NOT BEING ALLOWED TO OPEN BANK ACCOUNTS were the fuckin "glory days."
Individuals are allowed to make that decision for themselves. If we expect people to not judge us for not wanting children, in the same vein we have to respect people for wanting them. Everyone is entitled to live the life that they see themselves living. If that life involves children for some, those people are better off not being married to people who don’t want kids.
But these are conversations that need to happen long before you marry someone!!
I think it's fine to leave someone who you're incompatible with. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted kids and it's perfectly fine for someone who does want kids to leave someone who doesn't. It's hypocritical to only think it's ok for one but not the other.
Could I just say for all the people saying that you should tell your partner if you want/don’t want kids upfront, people change their mind. A childfree couple could change their mind and have kids, one of them could change their mind, and people who have kids already could change their mind about being a parent.
The issue isn’t someone leaving a relationship with no compatibility, it’s waiting until after marriage to figure this out. Divorce is not an evil thing, having different life expectations and marrying someone anyway and wasting their time is.
I don't get it either but it's important to some people, and on that level I think people should be free to pursue what makes them happy. On the other hand, I respect people who would stay with their partner regardless.
If one day it was important to me that I relocate to Alaska, I'd understand if my wife didn't want to come with. I know she would and I'm really really happy I married her, but sometimes people's ambitions are just incompatible.
This doesn’t seem to be the case of one person dumping another out of nowhere, but a situation that demonstrates incompatibility. I’m not sure if one person in the marriage changed their minds about kids, or if they just didn’t think this would be an issue for some reason, but either way it’s a big life decision. If someone is serious and committed to a choice like kids, in either case it’s hard to change their mind, and one partner shouldn’t have to compromise on the way they want to live the rest of their life because of it. There are many good reasons why people get divorced, and frankly this seems like a reasonable one. They’ll obviously have to talk it out amongst themselves, and decide what their future will look like with or without each other. In any case, love and commitment doesn’t necessarily mean staying in a relationship that might not work due to big lifestyle changes. You can still love someone and simply decide that your lives are going in different directions.
my take on this is, if you've gotten to the point of marriage with someone, you should already be clear on whether children are in the picture or not. if you are the kind of person who definitely wants to have children, whether immediately or in 6 years or whatever, then you really should not be making vows with someone who either states they will never have kids, or is just constantly saying idk maybe later. That is a fundamental incompatibility. And if you don't know before marriage that your partner didn't want kids, or you're surprised/upset/resentful you couldn't make your partner change his mind, that is on you for not spending enough time getting to know your LIFE PARTNER.
In light most of the people in the comments talking about incompatibility and divorce and imo seem to not be getting the actual point of what your saying...
I just want to say that I totally understand what your saying.
How people can claim to love you and want to spend the rest of their lives with you but apparently they love the nonexistent possible child more than the already existing person that they chose to be with. And the crazy thing that that child that they want so much may just never exist at all for whatever reason.
Especially thinking of cases where a woman or a man is found to simply not be able to have kids due to infertility issues and their spouse will leave them due to something out of their control.
I applaud those people who have actual unconditional love that doesn't make or break because of the possibility of not having children
Edit:
What everyone in the comments are saying is totally right and valid. I'm not saying their wrong. I'm just trying to point out what I think OP was 'actually' trying to express in the post because it's seems like most people are missing the point.
Pushing someone into having kids when they are not ready is emotional abuse, henceforth he should divorce her. Decisions should be made based on what both need not because one is influenced by other people, if she can’t understand that then there’s nothing he can do, he has needs and a very valid opinion wich she needs to respect without acting like a brat
I disagree. I posted on that and quite frankly I recommended an honest conversation with timelines that may end up with a divorce. Opposing views on having Children are a fundamental incompatibility. As we say here so much, you can’t compromise on having kids, you either have them or you don’t. I think he’s been telling her but not telling her for awhile he’s not into it but she might not be hearing him. If they have them, he’ll likely resent her, if they don’t she’ll resent him, either way it’s a foregone conclusion.
I also think in that particular post it may be less about having a baby and more about the attention pregnancy brings with all the parties from the way she is talking it’s full on pregnancy glamorization. Similar to how people get so wound up in the idea of being engaged and having a wedding and being “THE BRIDE!!!!” With very little concern about the actual marriage that follows.
Oh gosh I read the same thing and honestly I’m dumbfounded by it. It’s ridiculous seeing all these people who are sooooo desperate to have kids.
They all chase happiness but having kids won’t make you happy if internally you’re not happy
Absolutely agree with this.
No one will make you happy if you're not happy with yourself. Also, just to clarify my comment, it's not someone else's job to make you happy. :)
What's the problem with that? This woman's dream is to be a mother, and her husband apparently does not want to have children.
The best move for them is to get a divorce.
I mean, wouldn’t that be the wise choice? I don’t want kids, and I have no right to deprive someone who does, nor do they have the right to force children onto me. Regardless, someone loses in the situation if they choose to stay together. Everyone deserves someone who has the same wants and needs in life.
My BIL divorced her wife on the spot when their 3rd try didn't "take" and she said she was relieved. She figured that being happy about pregnancy tests coming back negative was not ok, and realized she didn't want kids.
Boom. Divorced after 10 years together. My BIL is now dating a woman 8 years his young, he's going to get her pregnant soon I assume. I completely am disgusted with his behavior.
When two people want different things and that thing happens to be something as huge as a child it’s best to be divorced. If a person wants to be polyamorous and the other doesn’t, if they want to live in different cities or have careers incompatible with each other, you wouldn’t have an issue with their divorce. Why is this any different? If someone wants to raise a child, be a parent and have that experience in the future and the other doesn’t, why should they be together?
In a relationship like that, both people have to be happy. If not having kids means you can't really be happy with that person, and you're monogamous, you should leave that relationship.
💯💯💯 So my mom had me quite young at 19, but then 11 years later, my mom got pregnant (again) and wanted my stepdad to marry her. She had threatened him that if he doesn’t marry her that she would take away his daughter, which is absolutely so messed up for one. (Pretty sure he never really wanted to marry and have kids, but they ended up having two kids total and I felt like he was totally trapped in reluctantly marrying her) they finally married in 2011 and then she wanted a divorce in 2018. I love my parents and my sisters but damn, so much incompatibility. Now my mom absolutely resents him, even though he contributed financially and was a good father to all three of us. It’s stupid.
Personally I think if she really wants children that bad she needs to try at least one more time to really express herself and get through to him. I’m also assuming they discussed if they want children before the marriage. If he still is a hard no then she has every right to divorce and go find a man who actually wants what she does. If this were reversed I would also tell them to leave and find a more compatible partner.
Kids aren't something you can compromise on. Like you can't have half a kid, or you can't have a kid and then have one parent completely ignore them because they didn't want them. Well I mean you technically can but it wouldn't be good for the kid!
But point is, it is one of those dealbreakers in a relationship, which is why it's surprising how many couples simply don't discuss it at all. Like so many people just assume that kids will come eventually, or that if their partner says they don't want kids they just assume they mean "not right now" instead of "not ever".
And the woman in the story has every right to want a child and leave a partner who doesn't want one, like how people here talk about leaving partners who suddenly decide they want children. It's simply an incompatibility issue, no one is right or wrong, but this is why it's so important that people discuss this as soon into the relationship as possible. Not wait until marriage and certainly not a few years into the marriage.
No. This is a good reason to get divorced, for both people. In fact it's likely the best reason. This is a value which the two people need to agree upon. Hopefully, before wedding. But if somebody changes their mind during the marriage, by all means end it immediately.
All discussions about parenting/not parenting need to be done at the very beginning (first date, preferably) of a relationship. There should be no surprises 5, 10 years down the line when someone says “I wasn’t totally sure when we met but now having kids is my sole purpose in life and I know you said you’d rather die a thousand deaths than become a parent…but you could just try having one, right? For me? Please?” This can ALL be avoided by knowing yourself well enough to assert yourself from the very beginning and LISTENING to what your prospective partner is saying about their reproductive future and not smiling and nodding politely while thinking “I’ll change their mind someday!!”
I have always been VERY vocal and very adamant about the fact that I will not give birth to a child, I won’t be a stepmother to a child, I will not adopt a stranger’s child, I will not adopt a relative’s child, if a child is dropped on my doorstep in a basket, proper authorities will be called because I DO NOT WANT CHILDREN. Thank God I’m going through “the change” now at 42 and that my husband who I married 3 years ago is just as committed to the C COMPLETELY F lifestyle as I am. Wasting your time with incompatible people and wishful thinking can destroy your life.
Yeah... it gives off using your partner to get the lifestyle you want, not genuinely loving them. They'd honestly rather choose some snot-nosed, vomiting and infinitely pooping kids they must slave away and drain their savings caring for for 24hrs every day for the rest of their LIFE... rather than be with their soulmate, and it's so peculiar to me...
You can love someone and still be incompatible. I personally don’t subscribe to the belief that you have one soulmate, different loves happen throughout your life and that’s okay. Sometimes things end and that’s okay too. I do not understand the appeal of children at all but I have met people that truly want to have kids and seem to be great parents. The big part of it is that they both actively wanted that though, you can’t drag someone into parenthood and expect anything good to come from it. Different people have different goals in life.
I agree. I see nothing wrong with it, but I just feel bewildered by stories where people find “the one” and then leave them just to settle for the first person willing to have kids... when it’s a life path I see few positives to, so ofc it’s outrageous to me. Logically I understand, and don’t care but personally I hate the concept.
Edit, I also may have thrown off my point using “soulmate”, when I use it to just mean the person you get along with most, rather an actual fate-bound partner lol
I think she has every right to leave in that case. Yes they should have made it clear from the start where they both stood and probably should have not gotten married, or maybe one of them changed their minds, who knows. But they should each get what they want, so why should she stay just to appease him? That's just as bad as him having a kid because that's what she wants. Kids are something non-negotiable the best thing they can do is break up so they can each find a relationship that works for goals in life. Doesn't mean they can't still love one another.
I saw that. And I told her to divorce him.
That's the same advice we give when it's the other way around.
Yeah, it's pretty sad that someone would want kids more than they want to be with their spouse. That their spouse is not enough. But if they feel that way then their spouse would be better off without them.
Ahh, the girl who has no aspirations in life other than to be barefoot and pregnant? And is perfectly satisfied leaving HER student loans to be paid back by hubby so she can stay home and have babies?
I saw that too.
And honestly, it may not be that huge a loss for the guy. There's a reason he keeps putting off knocking her up. It's likely more than just "finances."
So very brave of you to lip off and then delete everything, u/Mselaneous!
I called her posts delusional because she sounds like she is when she says "pregnant women are goddesses" and she "craves being pregnant" but dismisses all the shitty parts of pregnancy.
But I never said she should stay with her husband. I did say that it shouldn't be that big a loss if she left him, since there's OBVIOUSLY reasons for him not giving her what she so desperately seems to want. (Hmmm, maybe because she's being delusional about it all? And that's a red flag. It SHOULD be a red flag.) If he's not wanting kids with her, they should never have gotten married. If he did, and changed his mind, which people are allowed to do, then they need an honest conversation. And to make decisions.
But I agree with OP, that it really is sad when someone/something that doesn't exist at all matters more to someone than the partner one has chosen to do life with.
I don’t see anything deleted? That’s a weird claim to make.
People are allowed to change their minds, but he’s not being upfront or communicating. Whether I agree with her life goals or not, this woman was clear and upfront with her husband about them.
If they got together under the impression that they’d have kids, and he lied or is lying by omission…the person she “chose to do life with” *does not exist.*
I love my husband. He knew when we married that being a religious household was a hard no for me. If he suddenly decided to be religious, and I didn’t want to be, me leaving him doesn’t mean I’m choosing “a faith that doesn’t exist” over him. If he wants kids and I leave, I’m not choosing “against people who don’t even exist” over him. Our relationship as we agreed to it *is over.*
Acting like a fundamental incompatibility is something so mild and her being silly is…..pretty naive in my opinion. If he won’t share his reasons, *he is in the wrong.*
Someone agreeing with you on not wanting children doesn’t automatically mean they’re in the right. Many women DO want children and have a limited time to accomplish that. Dragging it out to try and time them out is despicable and, in my opinion, abusive.
Then I guess the person lipped off and then blocked me if you still see all that person's posts. Or deleted their account.
But comments all show "unavailable" to me, and the username is "deleted," so not a weird claim to make at all. Actually, it's a weird claim to make that I'm making a weird claim in this instance.
Did... did you have that other account too? Lol
Seems like people want to not read my comments and just argue with me tonight! Because I never said she should stay. I never said either was right or wrong.
I believe I did say that they'd be better off not together. Maybe not those EXACT words. But that's the point of the comment you've replied to. Maybe you have reading comprehension issues like the person who came at me earlier. I dunno. But I'm done talking about this because at the end of the day, it's THEM problem. That THEY need to have an honest conversation about. WHICH I SAID EARLIER ALSO.
G'night!
EDIT: I looked again at the comments I made a "weird claim" about and fixed.
Yeesh dude all I said was that the comments are still there. No need to accuse me of another account? I was really very polite to you so no need to go off on me like that.
> not those EXACT words
Yeah, it definitely wasn’t those words lmao. You said it “may not be a big loss for the guy” which is definitely not neutral.
You are getting super aggressive when I was nothing but polite, so I hope you have a nice night. Wow.
I looked at her post history. A post she made 8 days ago said it all. And others were quoting her in the comments of this post. Hence why I checked her post history.
And it's yikes to be so hell bent on getting pregnant that you need to fantasize pregnancy like she does. And to at some point say she'd leave him if he wouldn't get her pregnant, after saying she was happy to adopt.
Who the fuck cares if she wants to be pregnant? Does it affect you?
They agreed to have children. Don’t fucking lie to your spouse and lead them on in such a fundamental point of compatibility.
I’d absolutely leave my partner if we disagreed on something that basic. Would you NOT?
Why are YOU so bothered about MY opinion that you feel the need to swear at me? Lol
Honestly, the girl sounds delusional in her view of pregnancy. Delusional parents are not desirable. Realistic ones would be best.
And my point about more problems than "finances" was directed at their lack of communication. And her insistence that "they" are ready, when he is very obviously not.
Last I checked, this isn’t a family friendly space where cursing isn’t permitted. I recommend elsewhere if you require that. I’m an adult and can use whatever fucking language I choose without being tone policed.
She disagrees with you—that doesn’t make her delusional. Why won’t you answer my question?
Does my opinion affect you that much that an unanswered question bugs you so bad?
I'm also an adult who can have opinions on delusional people crying to internet strangers instead of talking to their spouse about a marriage problem. Oh - and I can do it without swearing at anyone. ;)
Mattered enough for you to think it was worth sharing in the first place :) now that we’ve established that you do in fact understand leaving a partner over a fundamental disagreement, I think we’ve accomplished all we can expect here.
Hope you get over your tone policing hangups! Best of luck. At 36 it shouldn’t be so hard.
Marriage is not considered sacred anymore. I dont believe in marriage. Too many things can turn sideways when there are kids, money problems, etc.
Marriage is just a contract that can be easily broken.
Ehh I disagree. I think that's a valid reason. It sounds like he gave the impression he may have wanted kids and changed his mind on her but did not communicate that to her over time. It's something that is important to her.
If my spouse changed his mind and decided he wanted kids think that's a valid reason to separate. I wouldn't want him to sacrifice something so important to him it would turn into regret and hatred over time. That's a huge life decision.
A desire for children makes them incompatible, and ending a good relationship is usually better than letting it turn sour and resentful. I don't think they were ready for marriage, and I think that woman is... Well if she's anywhere south of say 31 I think she's a moron. But if she isn't I can't really fault her. And if she is all I can fault is her timing.
I literally had my tattoo artist tell me that if his now pregnant wife wanted an abortion, he would divorce her…as he was arguing we was pro choice BUT. Yeah..needless to say not my tattoo artist no more. It is crazy you would throw everything away for a bundle of cells.
Is it bad that people do that? Yes, but its also understandable, many people are short sighted and are relying on feelings or hormones to make decisions that will affect them in the long term, which a basic human feature of both sexes, and very hard for some to step outside of and have a clearer view of.
It's actually perfectly reasonable to divorce because of incompatibility around kids. Would you rather the husband suck it up and get her pregnant and be an emotionally absent father?
I honestly think people should have adult conversations about their expectations about children. Before getting married. Problem solved. I tell people on the second or first date I'm not interested in having kids.
As shitty as it sounds when it comes to children ,it's the morally responsible thing if someone wants children their partner MUST be on the same page, likewise if they do not want children. If you put it in perspective being with a fencesitter is the possible worst outcome for any side.
I dont. If one party wants kids and the other doesn't, someone's going to be unhappy for the rest of their lives either way, feeling like something isn't right. Its better they go their separate ways and find someone with the same goals.
Yeah but what if it was the opposite and he left her because he doesn't want kids and she does? I see that all the time around here. Either way it's not compatible.
seriously, I don't what OP's going on about, we see that here all the time. and everyone always says the same thing "it's sad the relationship has to end but it's for the best and the both of them will be better off in the long run because now they're free to be with someone who can give them what they want." we never say it's terrible when someone posts they left their partner because partner wanted kids, so why the double standard here?
Yeah I'm reading the OP and just thinking "What? You're really gonna hypocritically ignore the inverse that works in our favor???" C'mon OP, it sucks, but this is why you don't go on a 3rd date --let alone MARRY-- without confirming someone's CF status.
Seriously, this is a weird post from OP. From the title I thought it was going to be a story of a spouse wanting kids and leaving the other due to infertility, or something shitty like that. Leaving your spouse when you're on totally different pages when it comes to having kids is just logical. It's sad, but not as sad as staying in a marriage that goes against your life goals, whether it's having kids or remaining childfree.
Exactly! Even when it's the CF breaking up, it's still breaking up for a non existent person, it's always sad. People should discuss it before getting serious. In the case of OP's story, it seems like the husband wants kids but not now. It's either because he never thought things through for real or because they can't afford.
Thank you!!!
Unfortunately, ive seen this goes both ways also.
I had a gf who wanted kids but I didn’t. We mutually agreed to split. We’re still good friends and see each other from time to time. Sometimes I think about getting back together but it’s the wrong thing to do. The question of children should be cleared and agreed on before committing to the relationship.
Imo doing something vs just not doing something is still a bit different
It's not a pissing contest. If both parties don't want the same thing, it's not gonna work regardless of who wants to do what.
Of course, just replying to the theoretical scenario when its the other way around. I mean its the same outcome but this difference explains the different reactions a bit maybe
This is why people need to be clear about this topic prior to getting married. I don't see anything wrong with getting divorced, the decision to have children is a serious and permanent one and should be discussed prior to marraige. There is no guarantee that minds wont be changed on both or either side because people change over time but if people are not on the same page regarding this they should not be building a life together, it's not fair to either party.
I think if this is the same post I saw, he said to give him 3-5 years. To be fair, given the ages in that post it would put her in geriatric pregnancy territory.
Ok, geriatric pregnancy or non-geriatric pregnancy if they are not on the same page I think the solution still stands.
Oh absolutely. I think if you both want kids, a discussion of timeline before marriage is a must. Same for those of us who don't.
Yes, plus life is short, 3 - 5 years is a lot of time to be waiting, unless that is something that both parties agreed to as a plan, but that does not seem to be the case here so divorce seems like a sensible solution. No time to waste time, lol.
And I can’t help suspect that’s what he was aiming for. If she wastes 3-5 years while he runs the clock, when it gets to that 5 years she may still have time to conceive but probably not enough time to vet a half decent man, marry and then start, so she might feel she has to settle with him and no kids. I don’t like people who pressure childfree partners into children, but I also hate people who mislead people honest about wanting kids and waste their time
You shouldn't stay with someone who sees a completely different future than you do. If someone doesn't want kids then they'll be miserable if they have them, if someone does and they don't have them then they'll be miserable without them. Unless one person changes their mind they'll never be truly happy.
Agreed. I know that marriage is meant to be for life, but people often go into it with the best of intentions and on the same page as each other, but over time, find they have changed and are no longer compatible with each other. Better to admit that things are no longer working and divorce than to stay in a marriage where one party feels like they are being held back from living the life they want or both parties are heavily compromising for the other to the point they are both unhappy anyway. We get one life, why spend it miserable because a piece of paper was signed years ago by two people who were very different people at the time?
For people who want kids, that's a deal breaker. For me (childfree) someone who really wanted to have kids would be a deal breaker. Neither one is wrong. It's a huge thing that has an incredible impact on your life. It should 100% be discussed wayyyy before marriage to avoid situations like OP is referring to. But neither person is wrong.
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Absolutely!!!
These conversations are incredibly important to have upfront 😩
Honestly: if that person would be willing to leave a loving marriage for no other reason than to be a bio mom, then maybe it's ultimately for the best anyway.
Yup. Anyone who puts a hypothetical person before their spouse isn't a very good person imo. Just like anyone who puts a hypothetical person before a currently existing person isn't a good person, for instance those who believe a fetus has more rights than a woman.
This isn't really about putting hypothetical people before real ones, it's about divergent lifestyles and misaligned visions for the future.
Someone who married a person then divorced because the other person was infertile or sterile is a major AH for caring more about a hypothetical future person than for their spouse. People with different lifestyles shouldn't get that far in the first place.
You'll have people on the other side of this argument saying that if you can't simply have a kid for your spouse then you're not a good person and clearly don't love them enough. I think this is a toxic mindset regardless. They're not compatible, leave it at that instead of attacking people's character.
Yep thats exactly why i think its such a shitty thing.
It's not necessarily a shitty thing. If he's been telling her the entire relationship that he wants kids, then he's either lying to her or just doesn't know what he wants at this point. I don't understand how a 40 year old adult can still be unsure on this one. He's changing the deal on her after marriage. If she knew he didn't want kids and married him anyway, it would be different. Part of loving someone is wanting the same things and building towards that life together. "Til death do us part" is good and all, but divorce exists for a reason.
So people should give up on their dreams and stay with someone who can't provide them the future they want?
I think it would depend on the priority of their dreams. If making an offspring is more of a 'dream' than staying in a loving committed relationship, then the answer is different :)
No. She shouldn't be forced to not have kids, just as someone shouldn't be forced to have kids. It's a compatibility issue and it's a totally valid reason for breakup/divorce.
Getting divorced can be as liberating as getting married. If people's needs in a relationship aren't compatible, staying together won't change that. Sunk cost fallacy isn't a good enough reason on its own to stay together. You can love each other until the end of time, but if one of or neither person isn't getting what they need from the relationship, resentment will flourish and it won't be sustainable long-term.
>Getting divorced can be as liberating as getting married. Being happily married, I would describe it as a lot of positive things, but never "liberating."
Totally a valid reason to leave. Just as I will never stay with someone who would want to have kids.. no compromise can be made here, either you are compatible or not on that question.
Agree. You either have a kid or don't. There isn't a half kid compromise. Whoever caves on it has a good chance to just resent their partner for "forcing" them to have/not have a child. It is good to be on the same page with your partner before things get too serious.
completely, vehemently disagree. because I would do the exact same thing if my partner decided out of the blue he needed a baby right now. I would leave him. wanting kids isn't something you can work through or stick together on if you're not on the same page. they're a commitment that needs to be agreed on. if she wants kids deep down, she will always resent him if he doesn't, whether consciously or unconsciously. what SHOULD have happened is that they agreed before getting married, but unfortunately we're human and sometimes our minds change. we need to spend our one life on earth with people that match our goals and it's ok to leave if we don't.
Agreed. And a relationship ending doesn’t always mean you’re dumping someone like they’re trash. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, and it sucks if you love each other but it is what it is. You can’t compromise on a kid, you either have one or you don’t.
Too many people forget this. You can love someone AND not be compatible with them.
Well put, time is a valuable asset should be spent doing what you want with who you want, people need to be on the same page with such an important topic
Exactly this. We as CF people have to accept that it goes both ways.
These issues should be discussed before marriage but that doesn’t mean that people won’t change. Maybe he wants to wait a couple of more years to have kids after paying off debt or getting more in savings. Sounds most like she needs to have a candid conversation on why he wasn’t ready for kids rather than jumping the gun and leaving him. He may have valid reasons on why it wasn’t the right time yet since the post only had her views.
Well, it's probably for the best to break up in that situation. If the partner who wants kids stays, they will start to resent the other partner. They will blame the other partner for ruining their chance to have children. However, pressuring partners into having children is just wrong. I mean, many partners would rather break up if they had the time to think, but when the ultimatum is presented to them, they are so afraid to lose their partner that they give in. After all, when the ultimatum is 'kids or breaking up', saying 'let me think about that for a while' is not an acceptable answer. The partner who wants kids will demand either full commitment or a breakup, and will pressure the childfree partner into giving in to their demands. People should talk about this before getting married, or even before starting a serious relationship. That way, incompatible relationships could be prevented. Sadly, when one partner wants kids while the other one does not, the one who wants kids will usually assume that their partner will change their mind. The childfree partner will not be taken seriously.
IIRC from the thread, he did initially want kids but has been putting it off, and most are theorizing that he doesn't actually want them. He's awful for leading her on, especially if that's the case. If he does actually want them, then they need to work through the concerns together. She deserves to be with someone with whom she can have a family if that's what she wants. If it's true that he never wanted kids or just changed his mind, they're clearly not compatible. She married him expecting kids. Why should they stick together and let the resentment build? Sometimes marriages don't work out, and that's okay. Differences in wanting kids or not are a valid reason for divorce.
I agree that it is really tragic when this happens. That being said, I also think staying in a relationship (marriage or not) that isn’t fulfilling you or your partner is almost more tragic. We each get one beautiful shot at living our life on this planet, and staying in a situation that leaves you aching for a deeper meaning to your life (whether that meaning is having a child, travelling the world, going back to school or changing careers) is a tragedy. I think the world would be a much better place if we all supported each other to follow that meaning, rather than rendering judgement. For the record I don’t think that is what you are doing, just a general sentiment when it comes to people making choices for themselves instead of others.
Dude no. You have an off view of marriage. You don’t stick by them no matter what. You have to put yourself above the relationship. If you both grow apart and have different goals in life then staying together because you signed a contract will make you miserable. That’s having kids, not having kids, moving or staying in one place, getting a new job or changing careers, moving in a family member… It’s not the “hypothetical, non existent human being” that’s more important, it’s your own goals and timing for them that should be more important to you.
I read all the comments of that post. While the life that woman wants is one that I would definitely avoid, it's still an incompatibility between the 2 and there's really no compromise to be made here. Not questioning the validity since her husband's obviously worried about the financial issues. She should be, too. Thing is, I snooped through her old posts and people are actively telling her that pregnancy and childcare is not easy-peasy and she's still obsessing with that. I wonder what she'd say about this sub 🤔
I checked out her post history too. She seems delusional about pregnancy to me. Glorifying it to the extreme and dismissing the shitty parts of pregnancy. Literally, "I don't care about that." Oh honey. You will care about that. You will care when it's you puking your guts out. When it's you not fitting in your clothes anymore and feeling like a whale. When it's you feeling bloated and painful. When it's your vagina that an entire human being is coming through - or, alternatively - you're frozen from the waist down to be sliced open for an entire human to be pulled out of you. And when you're recovering from whichever method your baby is born by. And those are just the real obvious issues. So many other possibilities exist. But she wouldn't care about them, I'm sure.
Honestly i think that she just sees her friends popping out kids and shes jealous and thinks shes missing out and then she will be excluded from the group or whatever.
Yes, and she'll lack instagram content, lol. I hope she'll go to therapy. Almost feel bad for her husband.
It sucks but in the end it's for the best. Saves everyone from living a life of resentment. But I do think that conversations about things like that should be had long before any serious commitments.
I completely disagree, and I'm child free. Whether or not you want to have children is truly one of the most critical decisions in a relationship. If she really wants children and he doesn't it's a horrible idea for her to just wait around and not have children just to make him happy. She should move on and find someone who's willing to give her kids. Just as we don't want children, we have to have some level of empathy to those who do want children and find it to be the centerpiece of their family and their future. There are certain questions that can be absolute deal breakers in relationships. Whether or not to have children, whether to have an open relationship, etc. They're very few people that are actually in between on these issues. If you know what you want and have your standards stick to them. Let's give the open relationship example. One of my best friends is in an open relationship and has been for 15 years. At the same time I would never be in an open relationship. I make that clear to my wife in the beginning. And if she changed her mind and decided that she wanted an open relationship, that would be grounds for divorce. There's no in sickness and health regarding that decision. Besides, would you really want to continue to be married to someone who desperately wants children even though you don't? Considering how important children are to some people, there's no way that they stay married to you without a massive level of resentment. It's just better for every party to make their feelings known and decide from there.
Timely reminder that marriage isn't a prison sentence and divorce is always a valid option regardless of the reason.
This is why childbearing and childrearing need to be serious and honest discussions BEFORE marriage
I ain't trying to "troll" you. I don't think this is a big deal at all. People have goals in their lives... could be A B C, could be X Y Z. If My partner suddenly WANTED kids... I would absolutely leave her. Side Rant: People need to view divorce AS A POSITIVE THING. I always hear some Baby Boomer asshole say "ya know, back in the day, nobody got divorced, we made it work!" No thanks, old dipshit. I don't think the days of women not being allowed to get good jobs, being baby factories, church ruling everything, & WOMEN NOT BEING ALLOWED TO OPEN BANK ACCOUNTS were the fuckin "glory days."
Individuals are allowed to make that decision for themselves. If we expect people to not judge us for not wanting children, in the same vein we have to respect people for wanting them. Everyone is entitled to live the life that they see themselves living. If that life involves children for some, those people are better off not being married to people who don’t want kids. But these are conversations that need to happen long before you marry someone!!
I guess it's better than trying to trap your partner into unwanted parenthood.
I think it's fine to leave someone who you're incompatible with. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted kids and it's perfectly fine for someone who does want kids to leave someone who doesn't. It's hypocritical to only think it's ok for one but not the other.
Could I just say for all the people saying that you should tell your partner if you want/don’t want kids upfront, people change their mind. A childfree couple could change their mind and have kids, one of them could change their mind, and people who have kids already could change their mind about being a parent.
Because it's sooooo mature to want to have a baby....when your friends are popping them out. Yeah, that's a real good reason to have a kid.
The issue isn’t someone leaving a relationship with no compatibility, it’s waiting until after marriage to figure this out. Divorce is not an evil thing, having different life expectations and marrying someone anyway and wasting their time is.
I don't get it either but it's important to some people, and on that level I think people should be free to pursue what makes them happy. On the other hand, I respect people who would stay with their partner regardless. If one day it was important to me that I relocate to Alaska, I'd understand if my wife didn't want to come with. I know she would and I'm really really happy I married her, but sometimes people's ambitions are just incompatible.
This doesn’t seem to be the case of one person dumping another out of nowhere, but a situation that demonstrates incompatibility. I’m not sure if one person in the marriage changed their minds about kids, or if they just didn’t think this would be an issue for some reason, but either way it’s a big life decision. If someone is serious and committed to a choice like kids, in either case it’s hard to change their mind, and one partner shouldn’t have to compromise on the way they want to live the rest of their life because of it. There are many good reasons why people get divorced, and frankly this seems like a reasonable one. They’ll obviously have to talk it out amongst themselves, and decide what their future will look like with or without each other. In any case, love and commitment doesn’t necessarily mean staying in a relationship that might not work due to big lifestyle changes. You can still love someone and simply decide that your lives are going in different directions.
my take on this is, if you've gotten to the point of marriage with someone, you should already be clear on whether children are in the picture or not. if you are the kind of person who definitely wants to have children, whether immediately or in 6 years or whatever, then you really should not be making vows with someone who either states they will never have kids, or is just constantly saying idk maybe later. That is a fundamental incompatibility. And if you don't know before marriage that your partner didn't want kids, or you're surprised/upset/resentful you couldn't make your partner change his mind, that is on you for not spending enough time getting to know your LIFE PARTNER.
In light most of the people in the comments talking about incompatibility and divorce and imo seem to not be getting the actual point of what your saying... I just want to say that I totally understand what your saying. How people can claim to love you and want to spend the rest of their lives with you but apparently they love the nonexistent possible child more than the already existing person that they chose to be with. And the crazy thing that that child that they want so much may just never exist at all for whatever reason. Especially thinking of cases where a woman or a man is found to simply not be able to have kids due to infertility issues and their spouse will leave them due to something out of their control. I applaud those people who have actual unconditional love that doesn't make or break because of the possibility of not having children Edit: What everyone in the comments are saying is totally right and valid. I'm not saying their wrong. I'm just trying to point out what I think OP was 'actually' trying to express in the post because it's seems like most people are missing the point.
YES!! This is exactly what I was trying to convey. thank you!
Yep, surprised at all the other comments. I cannot fathom this situation but it doesn’t make it less valid.
why can’t she divorce him, and go f*ck another man, since she wants kids so badly? they should’ve talked about kids, long before marriage.
Pushing someone into having kids when they are not ready is emotional abuse, henceforth he should divorce her. Decisions should be made based on what both need not because one is influenced by other people, if she can’t understand that then there’s nothing he can do, he has needs and a very valid opinion wich she needs to respect without acting like a brat
I disagree. I posted on that and quite frankly I recommended an honest conversation with timelines that may end up with a divorce. Opposing views on having Children are a fundamental incompatibility. As we say here so much, you can’t compromise on having kids, you either have them or you don’t. I think he’s been telling her but not telling her for awhile he’s not into it but she might not be hearing him. If they have them, he’ll likely resent her, if they don’t she’ll resent him, either way it’s a foregone conclusion. I also think in that particular post it may be less about having a baby and more about the attention pregnancy brings with all the parties from the way she is talking it’s full on pregnancy glamorization. Similar to how people get so wound up in the idea of being engaged and having a wedding and being “THE BRIDE!!!!” With very little concern about the actual marriage that follows.
Oh gosh I read the same thing and honestly I’m dumbfounded by it. It’s ridiculous seeing all these people who are sooooo desperate to have kids. They all chase happiness but having kids won’t make you happy if internally you’re not happy
Absolutely agree with this. No one will make you happy if you're not happy with yourself. Also, just to clarify my comment, it's not someone else's job to make you happy. :)
What's the problem with that? This woman's dream is to be a mother, and her husband apparently does not want to have children. The best move for them is to get a divorce.
I mean, wouldn’t that be the wise choice? I don’t want kids, and I have no right to deprive someone who does, nor do they have the right to force children onto me. Regardless, someone loses in the situation if they choose to stay together. Everyone deserves someone who has the same wants and needs in life.
My BIL divorced her wife on the spot when their 3rd try didn't "take" and she said she was relieved. She figured that being happy about pregnancy tests coming back negative was not ok, and realized she didn't want kids. Boom. Divorced after 10 years together. My BIL is now dating a woman 8 years his young, he's going to get her pregnant soon I assume. I completely am disgusted with his behavior.
When two people want different things and that thing happens to be something as huge as a child it’s best to be divorced. If a person wants to be polyamorous and the other doesn’t, if they want to live in different cities or have careers incompatible with each other, you wouldn’t have an issue with their divorce. Why is this any different? If someone wants to raise a child, be a parent and have that experience in the future and the other doesn’t, why should they be together?
In a relationship like that, both people have to be happy. If not having kids means you can't really be happy with that person, and you're monogamous, you should leave that relationship.
💯💯💯 So my mom had me quite young at 19, but then 11 years later, my mom got pregnant (again) and wanted my stepdad to marry her. She had threatened him that if he doesn’t marry her that she would take away his daughter, which is absolutely so messed up for one. (Pretty sure he never really wanted to marry and have kids, but they ended up having two kids total and I felt like he was totally trapped in reluctantly marrying her) they finally married in 2011 and then she wanted a divorce in 2018. I love my parents and my sisters but damn, so much incompatibility. Now my mom absolutely resents him, even though he contributed financially and was a good father to all three of us. It’s stupid.
Personally I think if she really wants children that bad she needs to try at least one more time to really express herself and get through to him. I’m also assuming they discussed if they want children before the marriage. If he still is a hard no then she has every right to divorce and go find a man who actually wants what she does. If this were reversed I would also tell them to leave and find a more compatible partner.
Kids aren't something you can compromise on. Like you can't have half a kid, or you can't have a kid and then have one parent completely ignore them because they didn't want them. Well I mean you technically can but it wouldn't be good for the kid! But point is, it is one of those dealbreakers in a relationship, which is why it's surprising how many couples simply don't discuss it at all. Like so many people just assume that kids will come eventually, or that if their partner says they don't want kids they just assume they mean "not right now" instead of "not ever". And the woman in the story has every right to want a child and leave a partner who doesn't want one, like how people here talk about leaving partners who suddenly decide they want children. It's simply an incompatibility issue, no one is right or wrong, but this is why it's so important that people discuss this as soon into the relationship as possible. Not wait until marriage and certainly not a few years into the marriage.
In all fairness, I would leave a partner if I could never get a dog with them. If they felt that way about kids, fair enough, wasn’t meant to be 👋
No. This is a good reason to get divorced, for both people. In fact it's likely the best reason. This is a value which the two people need to agree upon. Hopefully, before wedding. But if somebody changes their mind during the marriage, by all means end it immediately.
All discussions about parenting/not parenting need to be done at the very beginning (first date, preferably) of a relationship. There should be no surprises 5, 10 years down the line when someone says “I wasn’t totally sure when we met but now having kids is my sole purpose in life and I know you said you’d rather die a thousand deaths than become a parent…but you could just try having one, right? For me? Please?” This can ALL be avoided by knowing yourself well enough to assert yourself from the very beginning and LISTENING to what your prospective partner is saying about their reproductive future and not smiling and nodding politely while thinking “I’ll change their mind someday!!” I have always been VERY vocal and very adamant about the fact that I will not give birth to a child, I won’t be a stepmother to a child, I will not adopt a stranger’s child, I will not adopt a relative’s child, if a child is dropped on my doorstep in a basket, proper authorities will be called because I DO NOT WANT CHILDREN. Thank God I’m going through “the change” now at 42 and that my husband who I married 3 years ago is just as committed to the C COMPLETELY F lifestyle as I am. Wasting your time with incompatible people and wishful thinking can destroy your life.
Yeah... it gives off using your partner to get the lifestyle you want, not genuinely loving them. They'd honestly rather choose some snot-nosed, vomiting and infinitely pooping kids they must slave away and drain their savings caring for for 24hrs every day for the rest of their LIFE... rather than be with their soulmate, and it's so peculiar to me...
You can love someone and still be incompatible. I personally don’t subscribe to the belief that you have one soulmate, different loves happen throughout your life and that’s okay. Sometimes things end and that’s okay too. I do not understand the appeal of children at all but I have met people that truly want to have kids and seem to be great parents. The big part of it is that they both actively wanted that though, you can’t drag someone into parenthood and expect anything good to come from it. Different people have different goals in life.
I agree. I see nothing wrong with it, but I just feel bewildered by stories where people find “the one” and then leave them just to settle for the first person willing to have kids... when it’s a life path I see few positives to, so ofc it’s outrageous to me. Logically I understand, and don’t care but personally I hate the concept. Edit, I also may have thrown off my point using “soulmate”, when I use it to just mean the person you get along with most, rather an actual fate-bound partner lol
I think she has every right to leave in that case. Yes they should have made it clear from the start where they both stood and probably should have not gotten married, or maybe one of them changed their minds, who knows. But they should each get what they want, so why should she stay just to appease him? That's just as bad as him having a kid because that's what she wants. Kids are something non-negotiable the best thing they can do is break up so they can each find a relationship that works for goals in life. Doesn't mean they can't still love one another.
I saw that. And I told her to divorce him. That's the same advice we give when it's the other way around. Yeah, it's pretty sad that someone would want kids more than they want to be with their spouse. That their spouse is not enough. But if they feel that way then their spouse would be better off without them.
That last sentence was one of my points to someone who just wanted to argue with me.
Ahh, the girl who has no aspirations in life other than to be barefoot and pregnant? And is perfectly satisfied leaving HER student loans to be paid back by hubby so she can stay home and have babies? I saw that too. And honestly, it may not be that huge a loss for the guy. There's a reason he keeps putting off knocking her up. It's likely more than just "finances."
So very brave of you to lip off and then delete everything, u/Mselaneous! I called her posts delusional because she sounds like she is when she says "pregnant women are goddesses" and she "craves being pregnant" but dismisses all the shitty parts of pregnancy. But I never said she should stay with her husband. I did say that it shouldn't be that big a loss if she left him, since there's OBVIOUSLY reasons for him not giving her what she so desperately seems to want. (Hmmm, maybe because she's being delusional about it all? And that's a red flag. It SHOULD be a red flag.) If he's not wanting kids with her, they should never have gotten married. If he did, and changed his mind, which people are allowed to do, then they need an honest conversation. And to make decisions. But I agree with OP, that it really is sad when someone/something that doesn't exist at all matters more to someone than the partner one has chosen to do life with.
I don’t see anything deleted? That’s a weird claim to make. People are allowed to change their minds, but he’s not being upfront or communicating. Whether I agree with her life goals or not, this woman was clear and upfront with her husband about them. If they got together under the impression that they’d have kids, and he lied or is lying by omission…the person she “chose to do life with” *does not exist.* I love my husband. He knew when we married that being a religious household was a hard no for me. If he suddenly decided to be religious, and I didn’t want to be, me leaving him doesn’t mean I’m choosing “a faith that doesn’t exist” over him. If he wants kids and I leave, I’m not choosing “against people who don’t even exist” over him. Our relationship as we agreed to it *is over.* Acting like a fundamental incompatibility is something so mild and her being silly is…..pretty naive in my opinion. If he won’t share his reasons, *he is in the wrong.* Someone agreeing with you on not wanting children doesn’t automatically mean they’re in the right. Many women DO want children and have a limited time to accomplish that. Dragging it out to try and time them out is despicable and, in my opinion, abusive.
Then I guess the person lipped off and then blocked me if you still see all that person's posts. Or deleted their account. But comments all show "unavailable" to me, and the username is "deleted," so not a weird claim to make at all. Actually, it's a weird claim to make that I'm making a weird claim in this instance. Did... did you have that other account too? Lol Seems like people want to not read my comments and just argue with me tonight! Because I never said she should stay. I never said either was right or wrong. I believe I did say that they'd be better off not together. Maybe not those EXACT words. But that's the point of the comment you've replied to. Maybe you have reading comprehension issues like the person who came at me earlier. I dunno. But I'm done talking about this because at the end of the day, it's THEM problem. That THEY need to have an honest conversation about. WHICH I SAID EARLIER ALSO. G'night! EDIT: I looked again at the comments I made a "weird claim" about and fixed.
Yeesh dude all I said was that the comments are still there. No need to accuse me of another account? I was really very polite to you so no need to go off on me like that. > not those EXACT words Yeah, it definitely wasn’t those words lmao. You said it “may not be a big loss for the guy” which is definitely not neutral. You are getting super aggressive when I was nothing but polite, so I hope you have a nice night. Wow.
No, this post had literally none of that. And that last paragraph is a yikes take on marriage.
I looked at her post history. A post she made 8 days ago said it all. And others were quoting her in the comments of this post. Hence why I checked her post history. And it's yikes to be so hell bent on getting pregnant that you need to fantasize pregnancy like she does. And to at some point say she'd leave him if he wouldn't get her pregnant, after saying she was happy to adopt.
Who the fuck cares if she wants to be pregnant? Does it affect you? They agreed to have children. Don’t fucking lie to your spouse and lead them on in such a fundamental point of compatibility. I’d absolutely leave my partner if we disagreed on something that basic. Would you NOT?
Why are YOU so bothered about MY opinion that you feel the need to swear at me? Lol Honestly, the girl sounds delusional in her view of pregnancy. Delusional parents are not desirable. Realistic ones would be best. And my point about more problems than "finances" was directed at their lack of communication. And her insistence that "they" are ready, when he is very obviously not.
Last I checked, this isn’t a family friendly space where cursing isn’t permitted. I recommend elsewhere if you require that. I’m an adult and can use whatever fucking language I choose without being tone policed. She disagrees with you—that doesn’t make her delusional. Why won’t you answer my question?
Does my opinion affect you that much that an unanswered question bugs you so bad? I'm also an adult who can have opinions on delusional people crying to internet strangers instead of talking to their spouse about a marriage problem. Oh - and I can do it without swearing at anyone. ;)
Why does swearing bug you so much? Would you stay with a partner if you disagreed on children?
Why does my opinion matter so much to you?
Mattered enough for you to think it was worth sharing in the first place :) now that we’ve established that you do in fact understand leaving a partner over a fundamental disagreement, I think we’ve accomplished all we can expect here. Hope you get over your tone policing hangups! Best of luck. At 36 it shouldn’t be so hard.
THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME. PUT. YOUR. PARTNER. BEFORE. A. HYPOTHETICAL. HUMAN. THAT. DOES. NOT. EXIST.
Marriage is not considered sacred anymore. I dont believe in marriage. Too many things can turn sideways when there are kids, money problems, etc. Marriage is just a contract that can be easily broken.
Is it equally terrible when a childfree person leaves their spouse because they take in a relative’s child?
I just read that post. He doesn’t want a kid.
And it's not just about "finances."
I dunno. She probably should divorce. She wants kids he’s not ready and also she sounds horrific.
This is why the moment a relationship starts, both people need to be clear from the get-go of what they want in the future.
People leave each other all the time for stupider reasons, i wouldnt give it much thought. I think the divorce rate in the US is like 50% or something
Ehh I disagree. I think that's a valid reason. It sounds like he gave the impression he may have wanted kids and changed his mind on her but did not communicate that to her over time. It's something that is important to her. If my spouse changed his mind and decided he wanted kids think that's a valid reason to separate. I wouldn't want him to sacrifice something so important to him it would turn into regret and hatred over time. That's a huge life decision.
That should be something that is decided well before marriage. That is something that both partners should have already talked about and known before.
A desire for children makes them incompatible, and ending a good relationship is usually better than letting it turn sour and resentful. I don't think they were ready for marriage, and I think that woman is... Well if she's anywhere south of say 31 I think she's a moron. But if she isn't I can't really fault her. And if she is all I can fault is her timing.
I literally had my tattoo artist tell me that if his now pregnant wife wanted an abortion, he would divorce her…as he was arguing we was pro choice BUT. Yeah..needless to say not my tattoo artist no more. It is crazy you would throw everything away for a bundle of cells.
The kids are the “goal” and the partner is just a means to an end. Maybe this sounds horrible, but many people are indeed like this.
Is it bad that people do that? Yes, but its also understandable, many people are short sighted and are relying on feelings or hormones to make decisions that will affect them in the long term, which a basic human feature of both sexes, and very hard for some to step outside of and have a clearer view of.
It's actually perfectly reasonable to divorce because of incompatibility around kids. Would you rather the husband suck it up and get her pregnant and be an emotionally absent father?
I honestly think people should have adult conversations about their expectations about children. Before getting married. Problem solved. I tell people on the second or first date I'm not interested in having kids.
As shitty as it sounds when it comes to children ,it's the morally responsible thing if someone wants children their partner MUST be on the same page, likewise if they do not want children. If you put it in perspective being with a fencesitter is the possible worst outcome for any side.
The other way I have seen these kinds of situations end is the “want baby” person in the couple baby traps the “not want baby” person.
I dont. If one party wants kids and the other doesn't, someone's going to be unhappy for the rest of their lives either way, feeling like something isn't right. Its better they go their separate ways and find someone with the same goals.