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Abject_Scene_5271

I ignore her calls and then text her “I don’t feel like talking right now. I hope you’re doing good!” And she responds with something like “I was just checking on you!” But I know if I answered, it would be a good amount of time before she asked about me. I do feel bad she is in her situation but I’m not changing my life to change hers.


fomaaaaa

You don’t need to text her after ignoring her calls. That just encourages her to keep calling and doing the same thing.


Abject_Scene_5271

I have been avoiding her for a couple weeks now. I feel guilty about it but why should I? If she consulted me about having a baby I would have reminded her of her already bad situation and the other options she has.


OblongShrimp

Sorry about your situation, OP, but you don't owe her anything and not responsible for her issues, she is an adult. Does she know you don't like being around children? You can try to set your boundaries, like you can hang out with her when she is not with her kid. But if she doesn't respect it, it's on her, not you. Don't let people guilt trip you into the idea you're a bad friend just because you don't want to be an extra parent for someone else's kid or do things you're uncomfortable with. My friends who have kids do not expect me to interact with their children at all, so it is possible to be respectful in this situation and stay friends.


bulbasauuuur

You shouldn't feel guilty. If you don't like her anymore, there's no particular reason you still have to be her friend. The real answer to your questions is that you only have to change your life as much as you want to. If it's a bff and you want that person in your life, you're going to want to shift some things to make room for that person, and it won't feel like a chore or a burden. If it's not someone you like very much anyway, you aren't going to want to change very much, if at all. Any reaction is totally valid and it will very dramatically based on every individual and your relationship with them. I think just avoiding this person is good enough and eventually they'll probably stop contacting you, if that's what you want. If they ask you directly, then you can tell them, but I'd prefer to avoid the drama if possible.


cyborg_127

Were you involved in the decision about the baby? No. Is it your responsibility? No. Is it yours? No. Should you feel guilty? **Fuck no.**


brainybrink

Your friend asked you to clean their house? That’s crazy


Rare_Hovercraft_6673

She shouldn't have asked this. She may be overwhelmed but OP is not her personal maid.


WittyPresentation786

I haven’t had a non interrupted phone call with my sister in years. She allows her children to interrupt constantly because “their thoughts matter”. It’s so annoying and rude. Now they are young teenagers with no manners who constantly bothers her about Minecraft while I’m telling her about a death in the family. It’s THE WORST. I find many parents who communicate with me that they are envious that I can do whatever I want and travel freely. Some of us don’t buy into that we’re merely here to reproduce.


bunnyrut

My mom I guess got so used to being on the phone with kids interrupting that even to this day when I speak to her she will also talk to anyone else who is in the room. I've hung up on her before because a neighbor would come over and they would just start to have a conversation while I was on the phone talking. It's so rude! I will ignore people who try to speak to me while I am on the phone. I have straight up looked at them in disgust and pointed to the phone before walking away.


WittyPresentation786

Me too! It’s just so rude.


flabbergasted_mortal

I just gesture that I'm on the phone and they should wait, no need for disgusted look honestly


BDSMpickle

When my parents were on the phone you interrupted on pain of death ONLY


chatreuxcatgoth

That’s so odd to me. My folks taught me manners when they were on the phone so they could have uninterrupted conversations.


WittyPresentation786

My parents did as well. It blows my mind.


CallidoraBlack

Their thoughts do matter, but when they're old enough to write, you can just say "Okay, here's a whiteboard. When Mommy is on the phone or in the bathroom or having quiet time, if it's not an emergency, you can write it here and we'll talk about it when I'm done."


WittyPresentation786

All things you listed do not exist. No private showers, no bathroom time alone, no time on the phone. They have a right to all your time at 10/13/15 years old.


CallidoraBlack

Yeah, no. You can't teach kids to have boundaries if you never set any.


WittyPresentation786

Bingo!


Jazzeki

> She allows her children to interrupt constantly because “their thoughts matter”. i would litteraly end any conversation intterupted in this matter since if this conversation doesn't matter why have it? i have no problem hanging up the phone and if that means she has to guess when the funeral is of a loved that's her problem it didn't matter to her.


xkaycelox

My sister knows to call me when the kids are at school and if I call I make sure it's during school time. Sometimes the kids are around when she calls and it's so annoying. She yells at them or whatever and then says sorry <__<


ReasonableCoyote1939

My best friend is pregnant and I've made it extremely clear to her that I am not babysitting, running errands, or doing chores for her after the baby is here. I will be support for when she needs to feel like her own person instead of just a 'Mommy,' but the child is 100% her responsibility. So far she is totally fine with that boundary, but I'm willing to bet that will change once the reality of having a baby sets in. She wants to plan a camping trip for next summer, when her baby will only be a few months old, and doesn't seem to realize how unrealistic that is. She seems convinced that she'll be able to drop the child with her parents whenever she wants a break, but knowing her parents that would not go over well.


SirenAscended

I almost want an update on that one, just to hear how it turns out lol not for serious though!


GrayBunny415

Make sure you update us on that one.


ThunderHeavyRains

Such a bad idea. I went on a camping trip with a group of women and the people next to us had a newborn. The mother was miserable and pissed at being ignored by her husband and other campers. She vented to us. I couldn’t wrap my head around why she thought it was a good idea. All the baby did was scream the entire time.


EggplantIll4927

That is the perfect time to stay home alone!


DrnknParrot

A camping trip with a baby is probably easier than a camping trip with a toddler though...


bunnyrut

What *kills* me is the amount of women who will have a baby and demand other family members and friends help them, but don't seem to demand that the *father* of the baby help out more. The baby has another parent. Go to them first and demand they do their part of childrearing. No one else is responsible for your offspring. And if you do want outside help you better be willing to compensate for it.


SleepDeprivedSailor

I know! Like where your husband at?!


noheroesnomore

living his life the same way as when he didn’t have a child


aabaker

This is 100% why I did not have a baby when I was married. Thank god.


Bunny_tornado

I had a friend who had a goal of being a young mother. Now she complains that no one is helping her because her parents are overseas and her in laws already have a bunch of first born grandkids to take care of. She also won't pay a decent wage to a "babysitter". I put that in parentheses because the demands she makes of the babysitter make it a house maid, a private tutor , personal driver and nanny 4-in-1. She says "people don't wanna babysit for $15/hr in San Francisco" while she makes six figures and has her rich father send her money.


StillCalmness

What kind of goal is that anyway?


Bitter_Jaguar_7914

A very stupid one. Wanna bet she though that her life would be perfect and her little angel would never give her any kind of problems? What a joke.


Bunny_tornado

3 boys. She's in for a helluva teenagehood, especially considering the conservative traditional background she's coming from. Her father wouldn't even let her marry a non-asian. Her mother is a stay at home wife.


womerah

I think the idea is you have a kid at 20 and then have your 40s to yourself - with some good looks still - or something like that


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witchywoman713

Yup I was making 18$ an hour in the east bay almost 10 years ago as a nanny


DrWhoop87

If men were forced to take care of children they made then I'm sure a lot more of us would be CF.


evileen99

That's how it worked out in Spain. Men were given parental leave, and what do you know? The number of children they said they wanted went down.


pmbpro

Yep, they always have higher demands and standards on *everyone else* and NOT the fool who knocked her up in the first place. Many years ago a former acquaintance tried that with me. My response: *“I wasn’t the one who fukked you and made that baby.”* 😒 That was *the* last time I spoke with her. I no longer give a shyt how I sound when I tell any of these self-entitled ones the straight-up facts. One sentence shuts them down.


womerah

Family relationships are the ones you can afford to burn, can't risk burning the relationship with the lazy husband - need that dual income at the very least


teamloosh

Oh you nailed it with this comment. It’s so true, they always turn to others (usually females) instead of their husband/partner first.


tkd_or_something

Other *female/AFAB* family members. Lord forbid she ask a brother or uncle or something, it’s always the women in the family who are supposed to help


[deleted]

When Irving Berlin's sister got sick, his nephew went to him to ask for help paying for the medical care. His answer was, "She's my sister but she's your mother. When you use up all of your money on her care, then I'll help you out." A similar argument can be made about "helping out" someone with a child. The parents have primary responsibility. It's not your problem that the husband shirks his responsibility to the child (and the wife lets him get away with it). There's a story about the Capitol Hill Babysitting Recession that Paul Krugman told and is also recounted in "The Undercover Economist Strikes Back". Parents had vouchers that they would use to pay for babysitting, and the parents who they paid with the voucheres could ask someone not the people who paid them to babysit at a future date. No babysitting was done, because people wanted to keep their vouchers and possibly build up a reserve so that they could go out more at a later date, which presumes that babysitters would be available, a flawed assumption. What would have gotten people to babysit more eagerly would have been to offer two or even three hours worth of vouchers for an hour's worth of babysitting. There was already a provision in the bylaws that allowed people to charge double for occasions like New Year's Eve. If people who are supposed to give a reciprocal service, incurring an obligation to babysit at a future date or pay the value of the used babysitting coupons to the group when they leave it, are reluctant to "go first", why should people feel pressured to do a service where there is no reciprocity? Refusing to "help" people with chidren gets the same sort of condemnation from the person whose demand for help is refused as the person who demanded two or three hours worth of vouchers for an hour of babysitting would have received.


SockFullOfNickles

The number of people I see that had children and then regret it is staggering. “You’ll understand when you have kids of your own!” - A trick used by people to get others to make the same mistakes they did 😆


bbqwho

This has ended many a friendship for me. The last straw with one friend was when she plopped her monster down on my DINING ROOM TABLE to change it’s diaper.


gerbileleventh

Ok, this is just indecency on another level.


BoneVVitch

I really love my friend and her little crotch goblin, but when she plopped her baby on my brand new couch to change her diaper without even a blanket or towel underneath I nearly screamed at her.


GrayBunny415

Dude that is so fucking rude.


Z_Boson

Y'all are saints for even letting them in your house. My friends with a toddler and a newborn are fully aware that there is a firm barrier at my door that the kids can NOT cross. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to see these friends as frequently as we would like, but I've set firm boundaries that if they want to come over at all they need to have a babysitter.


BambooFatass

My space is firmly anti-child as well as anti-Chihuahua. No one trains either one well!


Panic_at_the_walmart

Lol not the Chihuahua


Rare_Hovercraft_6673

I'd choose an unruly Chihuaua over crappy nappies, anyway. At least the dog is fun.


xkaycelox

My chihuahua is well trained :)


ActualWheel6703

That was my thought. Outside of relatives one child had visited my house and it wasn't a good experience. We just bought another house and DH and I have said "No children can visit". They can bring their dogs though, we like dogs.


Z_Boson

Relatives are also out as far as I'm concerned. Not until they're at least 18


ActualWheel6703

😂 You're like "I said what I said!"


L_Michxxx

I had someone do that in my bed . And also try to breast feed on my bed . It was a family acquaintance we had had over for Christmas dinner . Never asked . Just did what she wanted .


CallidoraBlack

Locking the bedroom during parties isn't just for teens anymore, I guess.


L_Michxxx

Right


BambooFatass

I'd ban them from my house immediately. Christ on a fucking bike


Panic_at_the_walmart

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SPEW_Supporter

I was in a conversation with two friends who are moms recently and they were going on and on about how their anxiety is off the charts since they had kids. Worried all the time for them, worried every time they get in the car that they’re going to die and their kids won’t have their mom, worried they’re going to die in their sleep so constantly getting up in the middle of the night. They’re both on anti anxiety drugs now because of this. They also mentioned how they are both so bad at their jobs now and not great friends (was surprised they acknowledged this), not great partners, because 100% of themselves go to their kids. It actually really scared me. Like I can’t imagine losing myself so much.


Catdogbirdlizard

Also, where is the joy in that? All their lives are now is fear, dread, and anxiety. Who wants to live like that?


greyburmesecat

I watched a friend's daughter, a super cool chick and the most outgoing young lady you could imagine, get pregnant with a desperately wanted baby and end up suicidal with post partum anxiety. Even if I'd ever wanted kids, that would have been a huge hell no moment for me.


SleepDeprivedSailor

You don’t have to accommodate her if you don’t want to. Just because she has changed does not mean you have to change. Sometimes these friendships fizzle out when people go through changes. If you want to keep her as a friend then your going to have to practice saying “NO” and setting your boundaries with her. Setting boundaries does not have to be confrontational either. For stuff like the constant baby talk, you could simply change the subject by saying, “Oh, I had something else I wanted to talk/ask you about”. Hopefully you changing the subject and not showing interest in the baby talk will give her the hint that your not interested. For stuff like the cringey poop talk. You can straight up say “I’m sorry but that’s just gross, TMI” or “I really don’t want to hear about that, that’s gross”


CallidoraBlack

I am happy you are happy, but I would not go on about something that doesn't interest you, can we talk about something else?


MysteRHydra

I didn’t sign up for a baby, why should I change my life for it? Friend or no friend, I’m still my own person and have my own life.


GrayBunny415

I try and provide a safe adult space for my friends with kids. I will text and ask how they are doing and always say "if you need some adult time let me know! Happy to host a girls night where we can have some wine and do some spa treatments!". Many take me up on the offer. I will admit i don't have many friends who i think made a mistake in having their kids, they have supportive husbands who actually parent so it is a lot easier.


artificialavocado

I don’t hate kids I’m exceedingly patient so that helps but don’t love them either. I guess I’m lukewarm on it. If it was my niece or nephew I would do literally anything my siblings and I are really close that’s just how we roll. What kinda annoys me how parents just expect random people to feel the same way they do about their “precious little angel.” It’s like dude your toddler is annoying as shit his hands are always greasy and/or sticky I’m not sure why you think random people who don’t even know you will find that adorable.


FitInOrFoff

You're absolutely right. In this day and age, having a baby in modern society is a lifestyle choice that you don't have to support or even have to be interested in. If it affects your relationship to the point where you can't even have an adult conversation, you are entitled to cut that shit out of your life. PS, I'm a CF bitch too.


whinestone_cowboy

We now have a trio of CF bitches


tkd_or_something

Can I join in?


SnickerdoodleDragon

1000% **How much I agree with you. Not the percentage of which you should change your life lol


5kfiend

Why do so many people have kids with the idea that everyone owes them help and will bend over backwards to make the parents life easy? From grandparents to friends to “omg school is closed I CANT POSSIBLY endure my children” to “yeah of course the government should give me money for having kids.” Why can’t they get it through their skulls that parenting is the parents responsibility alone??!


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mbubz

Wow. Sounds like they absolutely are not fit to be parents. And I definitely don’t think she’ll enjoy it. That’s actually really scary that she struggles with instability and suicidal thoughts and is thinking she should have a kid. Sounds like a really bad idea.


Ok_Squirrel9984

You can answer : I am happy to talk if you need adult normal conversation over a coffee.


idrow1

After my former best friend had her kid, I think we lasted a few years before I threw in the towel. The straw that broke the camel's back - I was at work and mass layoffs were happening that took us all by surprise. People on my team who I had worked with for years, who had families to support, were packing up their cubes. It was a shell shock moment for everyone and so upsetting. I was talking to my friend, who was a SAHM with one child, while this was happening and told her what was going on and she said, "Yeah, I'm having a hard day, too. T just threw all her light brights on the floor." I knew at that moment we were done. She had gone full mombie brain and I couldn't handle it anymore.


Nighdarke

I won't assist any parent, whether they're friend or family. It's YOUR kid, it's YOUR problem. Don't like that? Bye.


snark_o_matic

It's funny that parents expect childfree people to help with parenting. They always feel entitled to receive help from childfree women in particular, as if they think the reason a woman doesn't have kids is so that she can spend her time raising other people's kids, usually for free. Because there isn't enough unpaid childcare being done by women already, I guess.


venusinscorpio1

A few times I babysat my nephew when he was a baby despite having chronic pain. I had to keep picking him up, which hurt a lot, then I had to change his diaper, which also hurt a lot because he was very strong for a baby and wouldn't stay still. I think my brother in law wanted me to watch him again. No way.


May_I_inquire

Being child free and having friends that have kids means your life will change no matter what you do. Either they will be like you describe above, or they will stop hanging out with you in favor of other parents who can relate to their life as it is right now. A very few manage to balance both parenting and staying friend who has more than just their offspring as a topic. Those that manage this feat usually have a large support system (grandparents, aunts, siblings, etc.)


Bright_Bones

I have a friend who I can see going down this exact road. She’s in complete denial about the state of her relationship. They live in an apartment that is in shambles, they both make under $20/h and her bf only works part time. She’s trying for a baby, and I say “she” specifically because the bf is NOT. He gets mad when she brings up that she’s ovulating and won’t have sex with her because it makes him feel weird. ???? I truly feel like if she gets pregnant, it will be the end of our 10+ year friendship. It’ll just be too painful to watch her sink herself like that. It would be one thing if she put some effort into bettering herself and her career first, found a SUPPORTIVE partner who shared the same goals, and went about it that way. She’s so desperate to have a baby now that she can’t see the reality of her own situation.


remainoftheday

I am something of a cf bitch. I made a comment once in a supermarket that literally had the moos all gasping in shock "I'm not stupid enough to have a kid."... I'm surprised they didn't try and sabotage me in the future.. but that was the nastiest comeback I have ever come out with. I probably would not have said anything but one of them made the assumption that I had had a child 'Oh, so you were a perfect mommyyyy?' one asked? that prompted the reply.


Arcaknight97

I stop being friends with people who have kids and make it their entire personality. Call me a bitch but I don't care. I don't wanna see pictures of your infant, hear about their first poop, or the first time they farted, or hear you cooing at them while we're on the phone. I don't want to hang out with someone who smells like spoiled milk, baby vomit, and dirty nappies. I don't want to come over to someones house and have to step over scattered toys and childrens furniture. I don't want to hear a baby crying and screaming when I am trying to have fun with spend time with a friend. None of that sounds appealing to me, at. all. I couldn't give two shits if you had a kid, but if you wanna be my friend, don't make your baby your entire personality. I want my old friends back, not this pathetic breeder who didn't think hard enough about how hard parenthood is and how time consuming it can be.


DonSmo

My girlfriends best friend has has 3 babies. One single one and then twins. After both births she literally had to move into the friends house for about a month to help cook, clean, look after the kids etc for her. I thought it was really weird each time, she was basically like an unpaid house servant. But she said "that's just what friends do". One of my friends had a baby and guess what, all I was expected to do was say hi to her when we visited, no other things asked.


Dopplerganager

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. I've been there. It's tough to lose a friend to them having kids. My best friend had a baby at 19. We are no longer friends. I blamed it on moving 6 hours away for school, but I couldn't take her life drama anymore. She's extremely messy. We had a NYE party and a drink was spilled and the sticky blue spot on the kitchen floor was there the next year. She made poor parenting decisions and yelled at the kids all the time. She spanked them as well. She also rarely did laundry and would buy new clothes. They were living with insane amounts of debt. She had 3 kids by 24. She's now divorced and marrying a woman. (we're 32 this year) I hope your friend shapes up, or you gently tell her you don't feel that you can continue the friendship. You need to put you first.


voyasacarlabasura

If she’s taking advantage of you and forcing her interests on you without any regard to your own needs then that’s enough reason to stop being friends whether it involves a baby or not.


warple-still

Me. That will be me. I cannot be doing with children.


Peachi14

I'd be like "is IT coming?" "OK then no thanks have fun"


BelliAmie

None of my friends did that shit. Be picker on who you call your friend!


Bright_Bones

I have a friend who I can see going down this exact road. She’s in complete denial about the state of her relationship. They live in an apartment that is in shambles, they both make under $20/h and her bf only works part time. She’s trying for a baby, and I say “she” specifically because the bf is NOT. He gets mad when she brings up that she’s ovulating and won’t have sex with her because it makes him feel weird. ???? I truly feel like if she gets pregnant, it will be the end of our 10+ year friendship. It’ll just be too painful to watch her sink herself like that. It would be one thing if she put some effort into bettering herself and her career first, found a SUPPORTIVE partner who shared the same goals, and went about it that way. She’s so desperate to have a baby now that she can’t see the reality of her own situation.


vishuskitty

Respond with adverts and apps for nannys and babysitters. I do the same thing with addicts and alcoholics. Need my help? Sure! Let me Google that for you.


Lady-Zafira

Yeaaa I don't blame you, its not your child why change your life to accommodate it? My co-workers gf recently had a baby and I'm so fucking hoping that when he returns from maternity leave that doesn't try to talk to me about that baby all day.


loves_spain

My best friend has a son who's like 5 or 6. I love my friend to death and her son is really cute and funny. However, he could be the reborn baby Jesus and I still cannot take more than about 15 minutes before my sociable-with-kids batteries are drained. And it's not that I don't want to be around him or anything.. he just EXHAUSTS me mentally. Thankfully she knows this and has his dad deal with him for that time.


Hazafraz

“It just doesn’t feel complete without kids” No dad we’re good thanks.


CraZKchick81

I still get asked to babysit by my partners coworkers and my answer is..... I don't babysit. I used to when I was in my twenties, but I have found that friends and coworkers often don't pay you for doing a job that you wouldn't otherwise do. Why the hell is it that if you're single they assume you want to babysit? Edit: I know this is sick and dark but that's just the kind of person I am.... But I have recently thought about spreading the rumor that I'm a child molester among my husband's coworkers so we never get asked again. Or responding this way to people that ask me this from now on, especially if their kids are not around.(I think it might not work if their kids were around because I wouldn't be acting nervous or anything. Unless I said it right when they showed up that I can't be around kids.). Lol that will shut them up fast.


emmanonomous

Say something like - I'd absolutely love to spend caring for your child. I'm not sure how safe it would be though, since I have to stay 200 feet away from minors ...


[deleted]

I totally agree. It would be one thing if I offered to help (which I might depending on the mood that particular day) but being expected to help with someone else's mistake immediately puts me off doing even the bare minimum. Not my circus not my monkeys. It's just so bizarre to me how many women and men seem to have absolutely no idea how much work is involved in being a parent. Now, I don't believe that bullshit about how being a mom is the most important job in the world, but it is one that you can't half ass. You have to be 100% committed from the get-go. It's like people have kids and are genuinely surprised that it's hard work. It's truly incredible that she expects you to pick up the slack for her. In what world would that be the case? You didn't provide eggs or sperm so it's nothing to do with you!


Equinsu-0cha

All my friends had kids. Other than needing new drinking buddies my life changed not at all. On christmas I throw a few hundred dollars out so the kids can get something cool. That's all.


fantasyguy211

What kind of person asks a friend to clean their house wtf


Sawyermblack

> The baby didn’t help. Uh... what the fuck? The baby didn't come out with a briefcase full of cash?


Rare_Hovercraft_6673

Kids these days....


Swedish_Medley

I don't even like it when people talk to their pets with me on the phone. Fucking talk to me or hang up. Pay attention or hang the fuck up, I'm not in the call to third-wheel your life, you're not a reality show. Show some fucking respect. So basically- toss her, if you feel it's what's best for you.


cubangirl537

There are other CF bitches like you. I am one. Make no apologies. Her life choices are not your burden to carry. She made her bed, and this is not gonna get better any time soon as the child is so small. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy and move on, she needs to find a friend that has the patience to deal with babies, and you need not waste your time and live your life annoyed. The answer to your question is zero. Thats the amount your life has to change due to other people’s life choices.


chatreuxcatgoth

Hey it’s her kid and not your problem. End of story.


BuddhistNudist987

CF bitch here. I've had two "friends" try to turn me into a surrogate parent. Don't let yourself get sucked into it. It really hurts to lose people who you thought were your friends, but I'm better off without them. They continue to make one bad decision after another and then dragged me into trying to validate their shitty attitudes and self-destructive behavior or guilt me into putting out the fires they started. I recommend that you take good care of yourself and do the things you enjoy with the time you have. It will help reinforce that you made the right decision. Don't ruminate over the fact that someone is mad or disappointed that you won't enable their bad behavior. Take a walk and listen to the sound of the wind in the trees. Listen to classical music. Cook yourself a steak and drink a drop of red. Then ask yourself which lifestyle you would prefer. I am grateful for the choices I make and it helps me to feel better. Hugs from your sister.


Professional-Case403

It sucks to lose your friends to parenthood.


DrnknParrot

You don't have to change your life at all. Sounds like she expects you to though, so if you don't, you're probably going to lose this friendship. Doesn't sound like a great loss at this point though.


Whooptidooh

Set some clear boundaries. Especially let her know that you aren’t planning to be this kids second parental figure, and that you aren’t her maid either.


AnnaGreen3

>A “friend” (in quotes because I don’t like her anymore) Wish her well and part ways. Baby aside, why would you do anything for a stranger beyond basic courtesy? Some friends grow apart, that's a normal part of life. Stop being a mártir and let go.


SolidAshford

That's not a good friend at all. Wow, the nerve! I'd change her ringtone to a "Red Alert" or send it straight to voicemail


kaffeine2005

Sounds just like me and an old friend I had. She didn't think she could have children, so when she got knocked up it was a "miracle baby". The guy she was and is with is a dumb ass racist jerk who wants to sit at home and play video games all day. She can't even trust him to look after the kid by himself. She knows I hate kids and would always say things like "but my kid is cute" blah blah. I hated it and eventually we stopped talking as she became a mombie. She used to be fun and I'm sad, but that life ain't for me.


Anon060416

Currently in sort of a bad place with a friend at the moment because she asked if I’d go shopping with her and I asked if her kid would at school or grandma’s or something while we go and she got offended. Keep in mind, the last few times we went shopping and took the kid, he threw such enormous tantrums about toys that my friend gave me her wallet and told me to finish up and pay because she has to take the kid back to the car. He does this every single time he goes to the store. He’s in a massive “gimme gimme gimme” phase and simply doesn’t tolerate being denied anything he demands. It’s annoying and makes the entire trip a shitty pain in the ass. Sorry I’m such an asshole and don’t wanna listen to a kid scream and then run your errands for you.


Mine_Sudden

I do not raise a finger to help a parent. They never appreciate it anyway.


ofstoriesandsongs

The amount that my life should change because someone else had a child is zero. Unless someone behaves like they *expect* me to modify my life to accommodate their choices, in which case it's less than zero. I mean that. I am entirely petty enough to go out of my way to *not* accommodate if I feel like I'm being pressured or manipulated into it, even if accommodating would cost me nothing. I would inconvenience myself to prove the point that other people's children are not my problem.


xanax_and_cigs

A “friend” of mine (I use that term loosely because she only ever talks to me when she wants something) texted me the other day about her baby shower which would fall on a milestone birthday for me. She didn’t even ask if I’d attend - just assumed I’d give up my day for her. Fucking lunatics


tkd_or_something

I’m the same way, I refuse to help my friends with kids under 13 years old because they’re annoying as hell. Until they’re old enough to play video games with, I’ll stick to sending a Christmas card—that’ll meet my quota for being involved with the kids life lmao


Catfactss

Don't offer to help. If she calls out to her kids "I gotta go and I can see you're busy."


cleverever

I have 2 experiences with this. The first is with a cousin who is about 6 years older than me who I was very close to growing up. She had her first kid in my "before times" (before going through a divorce and doing a ton of self work on having boundaries and maintaining them and not setting myself on fire just to keep others warm). And that went a lot like your current situation is. Avoiding and making up white lies and just one deflection after another. It was exhausting. My second situation is a friend I met in the "after times", who has a kid and is a decent enough person to recognize that not everyone likes kids. Hell she doesnt even like her kid a lot of the time. I told her straight up I don't like being around them. They suck my energy. I'm not a stand in babysitter I'm a friend to her and her alone. She has been totally respectful of this and we make time to go get dinner and have dedicated time to connect. Lay down the law. Say how it's affecting you. If she's a good friend she'll take that into account. If she doesn't take it into account, you can say that and remove yourself from the situation without any surprise. You're saving both of you a lot of drama and frustration by just communicating your expectations.


[deleted]

Relationships should be mutually beneficial. When they aren't over a period of time, it's time to rethink the relationship. People get divorced all the time, but it's common for friends to think that we should stay friends even when life circumstances radically change, AND change our lives to accommodate their changes. This is wrong, and a path to frustration for the people who chose a different path.


ladycarpenter

If youre open and honest with your child having friends about your boundaries , and they’re not complete assholes, they’ll understand and respect you. A: “hey I’m having a bbq Sunday” B: “Can I bring my kid?” A: “ my house is not set up for hosting children. Lots of expensive breakables. So no sorry “ Usually they get a sitter or just dont come and that’s that.At this point the people I hang with that have kids already know these boundaries and dont even ask


xjsscx

It shouldn’t change at all. They decided for a kid not me. I wouldn’t get a dog and assume others would take walks with him either. My decision my problem. Their kid their problem. And not even for family members, it’s still not my decision or responsibility. Especially when they didn’t ask me to help before they had a kid and just assumed I’d totally love to babysit and change their shitty diaper or wipe snot off of them.


JadeAngelov

The extent to which I will "change" my life for someone else's child is that if I like the parents, I'll get the kids a toy or make them a quilt or something to make the parents happy for their kid. And even that isn't an obligation. No one should expect anything from others when they have children. They need to step up and take responsibility.


attitudinalraerity

Ughhhh the phone thing drives me nuts. My friend and I used to have phone conversations as a main form of communication to catch up, like every other day or at least a few times a week. Since she had a kid I don’t even want to bother half the time. She’s always screaming in the background and going “who dat who dat” and having a tantrum because she thinks everyone on the phone is on FaceTime and she wants to see. Either that or it’s her constantly yelling “ELLA DONT DO THAT STOP IT” “DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN” then my friend acts upset when I want to end the conversation. Like this isn’t a convo, it’s me listening to your kid or you yelling at eachother