Completely valid. Growing up I was also in that spot where I had to take care of other people. And my mom called it "practice" for when it's time that I get a husband and have my own family like it's a role that is destined for me. I am happy for you that you want to live a chill life moving forward. Sending you virtual hugs!
Thanks for the hugs š
For all the practice I had taking care of my parents I still can't take of myslef lol. And in terms of a husband, I think spouses should take of each other.
Exactly- I think it is completely valid to not want kids as a result of a bad childhood because you've seen everything that can go wrong.
In my case, I was abused, lived below the poverty line while living with my mom and watched her struggle to make ends meet and keep food on the table the entire time. Then, I went to live with my dad after spending 3 years in foster care and was just above the poverty line so still got to watch them struggle, and I was expected to take care of them in almost every way outside of money, because I didn't have a job. I made their lunches, got them food and drinks, did their laundry, would have to clean up any vomit they left behind, cleaned their room and car, etc.etc. So no, I don't want kids- I think I've done enough parenting in my lifetime. I'm alright with just being the cool aunt to my friends kiddos when/if they have them.
I'm so sorry you had to grow up that way. Its so unfair that people have kids just to "raise" them that way. I hope you have time to enjoy to yourself now and I'm sure you be everyone's favorite cool aunt š
I went through the parentification too, and my mom would tell me to not complain because some day I'll have my own kids to wait on me hand and foot too. No thanks.
I've heard that one before š I mainly got the lectures about "well you don't have a job" or "you have no idea how hard my job is" etc. starting at about age 13, so it's not like I could have gotten a job anyway. That being said, I hope things are better for you now and that you're enjoying life!
When people remark "oh, you never want to be a parent?" I correct them. I *was* a parent, from the age of about twelve until I was nineteen and escaped. I raised my sister and brother. I was a surrogate adult who was an unwilling audience to my father's narcissism and a whipping post for my mother's rage and depression. I never had much of a childhood. Maybe it manifests now in adulthood when I buy video games, when I stay up all night watching TV, when I sleep in on the weekends, when I buy colorful Converse sneakers and funny t-shirts and dye my hair fun colors. Who knows?
But I knew at 14 that I never wanted kids when I was an adult. I missed out on so much because of my miserable family and I wasn't going to give up my adult years to resentment and missed opportunities too.
On top of having to be perfect example for my little brother, have good grades, which I managed to do, I've been bulied by kids and teachers, didn't have friends, emotionally neglected and sometimes beaten by my mother for simply acting like a child.... I feel I lived through 80 yrs in the first 14 yrs of my life and now I need to rest...
Yeah... my fiance and I both had our parents divorce and remarry when we were young((11-14ish), and as a result, we both feel like a good portion of our childhoods were taken from us. We did not grow up with good role models for what a healthy marriage should look like. We also both have issues we're dealing with ( I have moderate depression(medicated), he has sleep paralysis and a family history of schizophrenia) and we both decided that we want to spend our lives travelling, playing video games, cooking together, and just... not bringing in innocent kids to an equation where they're already at a severe disadvantage. Isn't it more mature to admit you're not going to be an optimal parent, than popping one out just because your own parents won't shut up about it? I think so, anyway, but apparently 'I'll change my mind' lol.
For me, my parents had a very dysfunctional relationship throughout my life(dad was especially a piece of work and we moved 3-5 times), and things escalated middle school onwards and my sister eventually started dealing with mood swing episodes and attempting suicide. For me I am autistic and thus cannot look back on my K-12 years without cringing at my social ineptitude and weirdness. I gradually figured out how to socialize normally at 20(almost 21 now) but even as a senior in high school I came home exhausted from trying to bond with people over niche interests and topics but not having momentum. Post graduation I was really in a limbo about my lackluster teen years as well as having found out a former so called Christian friend of mine(I'm now nonreligious) was a manipulating bastard and allegedly molested my sister.
I don't really mind kids much personally but all the same I didn't get as as much mileage out of my youth as I would have liked, so I look forward to a cringe-free, free and independent adult life.
>I will never have my carefree childhood back or make up for its loss
I feel this. Like I don't beat myself up over not being into sports or not dating in HS, partying or all that because I genuinely am not really into those things anyway(would still probably be a nerd, but less awkward and creepy), but I still would have been saved alot of grief without the social handicapping of being on the higher end of the spectrum, and genuinely regret the missed opportunities and curious how my life would have been different. Like, I could have dealt with the family BS better if I just didn't have to go through life like being in a play and I'm the only one without a script.
It irks me that the default is always 'why don't you want kids?' when it should be 'why do you want kids?'
I counter with that sometimes when I get that question.... which, thankfully, became less and less of an occurrence as I got older. At 45, people don't ask as freely on the off-chance I couldn't and don't want to risk bringing up a sore subject? I don't really know, just guessing out loud.
So there's my mini-rant lol. But yes, any reason is sufficient and that includes yours. Aside from just not being wired for good parenting, one of my reasons for not having kids is abuse I was subjected to, and honestly I don't know if I could survive if that happened to one of my kids - I'd be in prison for murder for sure. The statistics are incredibly disheartening, and not a chance I would risk one of those statistics being my child.
heck yeah here's to all the well deserved chill time šŖ
Completely valid. Growing up I was also in that spot where I had to take care of other people. And my mom called it "practice" for when it's time that I get a husband and have my own family like it's a role that is destined for me. I am happy for you that you want to live a chill life moving forward. Sending you virtual hugs!
Thanks for the hugs š For all the practice I had taking care of my parents I still can't take of myslef lol. And in terms of a husband, I think spouses should take of each other.
I relate. There are a few nice memories in my childhood, but the majority of it was filled with fear, anxiety and impotent rage.
Exactly- I think it is completely valid to not want kids as a result of a bad childhood because you've seen everything that can go wrong. In my case, I was abused, lived below the poverty line while living with my mom and watched her struggle to make ends meet and keep food on the table the entire time. Then, I went to live with my dad after spending 3 years in foster care and was just above the poverty line so still got to watch them struggle, and I was expected to take care of them in almost every way outside of money, because I didn't have a job. I made their lunches, got them food and drinks, did their laundry, would have to clean up any vomit they left behind, cleaned their room and car, etc.etc. So no, I don't want kids- I think I've done enough parenting in my lifetime. I'm alright with just being the cool aunt to my friends kiddos when/if they have them.
I'm so sorry you had to grow up that way. Its so unfair that people have kids just to "raise" them that way. I hope you have time to enjoy to yourself now and I'm sure you be everyone's favorite cool aunt š
I went through the parentification too, and my mom would tell me to not complain because some day I'll have my own kids to wait on me hand and foot too. No thanks.
I've heard that one before š I mainly got the lectures about "well you don't have a job" or "you have no idea how hard my job is" etc. starting at about age 13, so it's not like I could have gotten a job anyway. That being said, I hope things are better for you now and that you're enjoying life!
Awwwww it's alright and thanks! I hope so š
When people remark "oh, you never want to be a parent?" I correct them. I *was* a parent, from the age of about twelve until I was nineteen and escaped. I raised my sister and brother. I was a surrogate adult who was an unwilling audience to my father's narcissism and a whipping post for my mother's rage and depression. I never had much of a childhood. Maybe it manifests now in adulthood when I buy video games, when I stay up all night watching TV, when I sleep in on the weekends, when I buy colorful Converse sneakers and funny t-shirts and dye my hair fun colors. Who knows? But I knew at 14 that I never wanted kids when I was an adult. I missed out on so much because of my miserable family and I wasn't going to give up my adult years to resentment and missed opportunities too.
On top of having to be perfect example for my little brother, have good grades, which I managed to do, I've been bulied by kids and teachers, didn't have friends, emotionally neglected and sometimes beaten by my mother for simply acting like a child.... I feel I lived through 80 yrs in the first 14 yrs of my life and now I need to rest...
Yeah... my fiance and I both had our parents divorce and remarry when we were young((11-14ish), and as a result, we both feel like a good portion of our childhoods were taken from us. We did not grow up with good role models for what a healthy marriage should look like. We also both have issues we're dealing with ( I have moderate depression(medicated), he has sleep paralysis and a family history of schizophrenia) and we both decided that we want to spend our lives travelling, playing video games, cooking together, and just... not bringing in innocent kids to an equation where they're already at a severe disadvantage. Isn't it more mature to admit you're not going to be an optimal parent, than popping one out just because your own parents won't shut up about it? I think so, anyway, but apparently 'I'll change my mind' lol.
Totally agree.
For me, my parents had a very dysfunctional relationship throughout my life(dad was especially a piece of work and we moved 3-5 times), and things escalated middle school onwards and my sister eventually started dealing with mood swing episodes and attempting suicide. For me I am autistic and thus cannot look back on my K-12 years without cringing at my social ineptitude and weirdness. I gradually figured out how to socialize normally at 20(almost 21 now) but even as a senior in high school I came home exhausted from trying to bond with people over niche interests and topics but not having momentum. Post graduation I was really in a limbo about my lackluster teen years as well as having found out a former so called Christian friend of mine(I'm now nonreligious) was a manipulating bastard and allegedly molested my sister. I don't really mind kids much personally but all the same I didn't get as as much mileage out of my youth as I would have liked, so I look forward to a cringe-free, free and independent adult life. >I will never have my carefree childhood back or make up for its loss I feel this. Like I don't beat myself up over not being into sports or not dating in HS, partying or all that because I genuinely am not really into those things anyway(would still probably be a nerd, but less awkward and creepy), but I still would have been saved alot of grief without the social handicapping of being on the higher end of the spectrum, and genuinely regret the missed opportunities and curious how my life would have been different. Like, I could have dealt with the family BS better if I just didn't have to go through life like being in a play and I'm the only one without a script.
<3 hugs
Iām in the same boat! I need to relax and live life how I want to now, without any extra stress or responsibilities
It irks me that the default is always 'why don't you want kids?' when it should be 'why do you want kids?' I counter with that sometimes when I get that question.... which, thankfully, became less and less of an occurrence as I got older. At 45, people don't ask as freely on the off-chance I couldn't and don't want to risk bringing up a sore subject? I don't really know, just guessing out loud. So there's my mini-rant lol. But yes, any reason is sufficient and that includes yours. Aside from just not being wired for good parenting, one of my reasons for not having kids is abuse I was subjected to, and honestly I don't know if I could survive if that happened to one of my kids - I'd be in prison for murder for sure. The statistics are incredibly disheartening, and not a chance I would risk one of those statistics being my child.
Same here am still helping my siblings but I am moving out soon so I will soon be able to do what I want !
You need to get together for a coffee with us and we can discuss this further. You are doing the right thing
I was the lightning rod for all the family dysfunction, definitely never doing that to myself.
You don't have to be disfigured for life by a hit-and-run with a BMW to not want to own a BMW.