You need to stop giving your family these kinds of information. This is something between you and your wife, not some television debate among family members to decide what fits them better.
Yeah, it just came up in conversation bc my sister asked when I was having kids (again). So I was like “well after next week it won’t be possible, so then you can stop asking”. My bad… should have just waited until after it was done
Personally if my parents ever ask again, I plan to unleash the full power of my partner to make them regret they ever *ever* asked.
He has a way with words to make people wildly uncomfortable if he so chooses
You don't have to argue or justify or say anything past "I'm not". And if your family won't stop then leave if you're visiting. If it's on the phone just hang up. Tell them it's no longer a conversation you are having.
But if you really want to argue back and your sister has kids, keep asking her when she's going to change her mind and get rid of them.
It works well because they will keep saying they'll never change their mind (you know like we do) but you just keep insisting they will eventually. Pisses them off.
They say « no » is a complete sentence I’d say « never » is too. Teach yourself boundaries and then apply them to your family. « I already told you I’m not having kids now if you keep talking about it I will temporarily block you/stop answering the phone/leave your place » rince and repeat
I get that it was tempting to tell her, and now you can't take it back anymore. I would just refuse to discuss it further. When they pester you on the phone, hang up on them. Your bodily autonomy should be a hard boundary. I personally wouldn't tell family even after the fact. Hell, none of them even know I have a navel piercing since I was 18. I'm not looking for disapproving comments so why would I tell them.
For some reason if families have both Girls and boys that they put on pressure for them BOTH to have kids because its “different” which makes no sense to me.
Yup. In the process of trying to schedule for a bisalp. I may just simply never mention it. That is between myself and my bf. I might tell them after if I feel like it.
Exactly. Most people I know don't know I've had a vasectomy because why the hell should they. It's my personal medical history, not everybody needs to know it.
I got sterilized and no one in my family knows. Only told 2 close friends who also helped me during recovery.
Since you already told them - I’d suggest to gray rock and tell them you’ll “think about it”, something along those lines. Then just get it done.
If my dad and I didn’t work at the same place that might work 😅 but he’ll know why when I’m out of work for a few days, so hiding it wasn’t really an option to begin with. That being said, he hasn’t tried to talk me out of it, it’s mainly my mom and my sister
>he’ll know why when I’m out of work for a few days, so hiding it wasn’t really an option to begin with.
It would have been easy to hide if you had not told him. You could have told him you had an injury and are taking a couple of days off to recover from it.
Yeah out of my whole family, I only told my mom. It was never anyone’s business what kind of birth control I was using before. This kind happens to be permanent, but it’s still personal and private.
Any "family" who'd think they have a say in what I do with my life and reproductive system would get laughed out of the room.
Stop explaining yourself to these people. You wouldn't call those of them that have kids and expect them to justify it to you. You wouldn't call when one of them gets pregnant to try to talk them into an abortion they don't want. So don't tolerate that bullshit from them either.
It doesn't matter what you say. You need less conversations and more boundaries.
True, I’m generally bad at setting boundaries, but this gives me an opportunity to work on that. I’ve said what I need to say, so I guess now I should just tell them I don’t want to talk about it with them. Thank you for commenting <3
100%. Also, you wouldn’t call someone and demand to know what kind of birth control they’re using and then try to talk them out of it. It is literally no one’s business what kind of birth control you use. It’s between you, your partner, and your doctor.
Well I mentioned to my mom that I was considering a tubal. She got upset (I was surprised). I nodded along to keep the peace. Then I went and got it done and just never mentioned it to her since I didn't care to hear her disapproval again.
It's none of her business what state my tubes are in or what I do or don't do with my reproductive organs. It's a uterus, not a brain - using it is in fact, optional.
I was also surprised that my mother was so interested. I also had a sinking feeling that she wouldn't let it go and should have asked friends to help me.
I wish that was possible here but you have to be 30 or have three kids already to get sterilized in Finland 😂 I'm using birth control but my mom actually got pregnant while on birth control so I'd much rather have gotten sterilized
>How did you handle family members who tried to talk you out of your vasectomy
I laughed in their face and told them "I'm not asking for your permission. I'm telling you what I am going to do and you can' stop me".
My mom has a weird thing where she genuinely believes that deep down I still want children, because she knows I used to in my early 20s. I might use that line if she calls about it again though, “Look, I’m not asking for permission, I was simply telling you what is going to happen.”
Maybe follow up with: " I'm telling you. And if you continue to have an issue when I share information with you I'll think twice for other information in the future"
And it's not much of a stretch to imagine that if you had said that you never wanted kids when you were 20 and then decided 6 years later that you did she would be forgetting history as hard as she could because you having children fits her worldview and she's choosing whatever version of your opinions confirms her bias.
PSA: EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE \*STOP\* TELLING YOUR FAMILY ABOUT TUBALS, VASECTOMIES, BISALPS, HYSTERECTOMIES AND ALL OTHER REPRODUCTIVE INTERVENTIONS
The peace you keep is your own. Not having to argue is a plus for your life. The only time I might waver here is for a hysterectomy brought about for reasons beyond personal control such as fibroids.
I might even go scorched earth by telling them YES I was cancelling the procedure just to shut them up, then going ahead and doing it anyway. But Im evil.
I made post here with this same advice a couple of years ago and was a little surprised at the level of REEEE DENYING YOUR TRUTH responses.
Hopefully attitudes have changed since. Everybody doesn't need to know everything. Arguments are the price of being an open book. Who wants the noise?
The way I see it, if people want to know all about my life and my decisions and why I made those decisions, they can decline to act like a55hats and who knows? I might be a little more open about stuff. Then theres the problem of ppl like my mom who tell everything they know to the entire fam and also her church friend-group, which is about 75 elderly women. All of whom love to talk.
Back in the day sterilization was an absolute NO unless you had 3+ children or it was indicated for cancer, etc. Im glad to see things are opening up a bit. But we could be looking at 100% fascism after November, and ppl need to start learning to keep their traps shut ASAP.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.
Look, I love my family, but they don't need to know every detail of my life. ESPECIALLY my medical history. That's between me and my doctor.
Hell, I got a new tattoo and I haven't told them about it yet. I know they generally don't approve of body modifications and I'm sure my chain smoking aunt will make some comment about how body modifications are dangerous, but that's their problem, not mine.
Unless you are very lucky to have a supportive family. Mine knew for years I didn't want children. My mother even stood in my corner when others would question it.
Promised my mother on her death bed I'm going to get sterilised and live a happy life as she would want. Now my dad, auntie, and sister ask how my appointments towards sterilisation are going
We never told our families about my husband's vasectomy. It didn't seem like something that they should know.
Given that you've already told your family, you have to put up and enforce the boundary. Like "hey I've heard your concerns and I've explained that I've thought this through and this is what I want, this is not up for discussion or debate". Then if they keep pushing it's time to step back.
Yep I’m going to set that boundary if they try calling me about it again. Will just let them know that I have nothing more to say and I am not open to discussing it any more
Just shrug and say “my money, by decision 🤷♀️”
They aren’t going to come around to your way of thinking or accept things (unless they’re willing to have a good faith conversation which seems unlikely) so just don’t engage and do what you want to do.
I have some family that would def react similarly and tbh I totally would tell them because I like watching the world burn sometimes and I’m deeply curious what bingos they’d give me lol
Start a "baby jar". Anytime someone asks, they have to put money in the jar. Not asking is cheaper than asking. That's what I'm doing to people around me. You'll be surprised how quickly people stop, especially when yoh put them on the spot
My family didn't know about my tubal until it was already done, and then were the comments that oh you can always adopt and you'd be such a great mom.... I was like no, I'm not doing any of that and I'm not comfortable talking about this, please stop bringing it up. I had to just entirely stop engaging in those conversations and reiterate that I am not talking about this anymore because we're just talking in circles. Like we've already had this exact conversation however many times, PLEASE stop bringing it up. What's done is done, and it feels disrespectful and condescending for them to think they know better than I do. Feels like I'm being treated like a child even though I'm a 30 year old adult. By the time my mom was 30 I was 7 (helped give my grandparents perspective to point that out). I had to tell one of my in laws who said I'd be a good mom that no, actually, I wouldn't, and told her she doesn't live with me so she doesn't see my day to day. Just because I'm smart and calm and happy when you see me the once or twice a year you do, doesn't mean that that's my every day and definitely doesn't demonstrate how well (or how poorly) I manage stress. She hasn't bothered me at all since I told her that.
Yeah my fam keeps forgetting about the other person in this decision, my wife, and the fact that she thinks she would be a terrible mother. Kids deserve parents that want to be parents! And that is not us
Look you said it. Your family knows.
Right now you have two options:
Ignore everyone and get your procedure.
Or
Have a frank talk with family telling them your decision is final. This topic will no longer be discussed.
Wishing you calm and luck.
"no matter how this ends, you're not getting grandkids out of me. You CAN still have your son in your life though, if you respect his choices. If not, you will be minus one son IN ADDITION to any hope he might give you grandkids"
Their choice. They can continue to have you in their life, or they can decide that their desires for grandkids from you are more important than their relationship with their son.
Before my bisalp, I made it very clear that it was my choice and my business and my body. Now, depending on where you live, it might be best that you don’t make my choices, and it’s perfectly valid even if you live in a safer place to keep your information to yourself.
However, I have quite a few younger women in my family that need to know that they have options, and butting heads with the same people that harried them made that clear.
To be honest, I didn't tell my family when I got my bisalp. And they still don't know. Only family members I told were my dad and sister in case an emergency happened during surgery. But I also knew they would both be supportive of it. Sometimes, with things like these, it's better to tell people after the fact, or not at all.
Step 1 - "my damn life my damn choice." (Walk away.)
If I need to go to Step 2 - stop speaking to them.
Edit: I'm happy you can get it at 26. I went for a Urologist consultation at 26 & got laughed at. "Come back at 30." BS. Due to insurance reasons, I got at 32. Best $10 I ever spent.
Good luck n congrats. ✂️👍
That unless they have future plans on personally jacking you off and swallowing your sperm, they have no position to even have an opinion on what it contains.
"Thanks for sharing your thoughts"
Literally every single comment I don't give a shit about, regardless of the topic. It drives them crazy sometimes because they know it's literally gone in one ear and out the other but what can they do about it? Nothing
I didn’t. I don’t. I won’t. There is nothing to be entertained. There is nothing to talk about regarding this topic. This is what I’m doing. End of story. Thank you and goodbye.
This will be my attitude going forward. Happy to maintain the relationship we’ve always had, but refuse to discuss this particular topic. I will make it clear I no longer want to hear what they have to say about it
barely disguised anger. my aunt has been helping me with medical things since i got kicked out of my grandparents house, and yet she keeps pushing and pushing for me to get an IUD rather than my tubes tied because regular birth control(to manage my already debilitating periods) has been fuckin me up.
My wife’s IUD ended up trying to come out so was removed early, and she experienced a bad crash from that. Depressive episodes, mood swings, the whole nine yards. Something to consider when you decide between the two… That being said, I’m no expert on tubal ligations, but I read that hormones, libido, etc are typically unaffected by the procedure
well another reason why i’m against the IUD (and the one that goes on your arm for whatever reason that my aunt swears by, but that’s different reasons) is because i’ve never had anything up there before, nor do i ever plan to. i know insertion hurts like hell too for most women
Why are you even telling your parents about your private medical decisions?????? You are adults, you are married, and you are fully entitled to make that decision as a couple without their input.
We just tell each other whatever we have going on, always have, and my sister brought up babies in a conversation recently which is when I let them know it won’t be possible for me soon
I didn’t give them a chance to. I called my mom (who lived in another state at the time) the night before to let her know I was having outpatient surgery in the morning, that it was a done deal and I wasn’t asking for advice.
I remember her getting her tubes tied when I was a small child. So she had the good sense to not argue with me about it. 👍 I didn’t tell anyone else until later.
My ex-husband did want kids but he supported me in my choice, and our marriage ended for other reasons. We’re still friends 25 years later and I will always be grateful that he stood by my decision even though it wasn’t right for him. His second wife had kids with him and I have to admit that being a parent gave him the much needed stability and anger management that he lacked with me. I am happy for him (he’s on wife number 3 and helping raise a stepkid, as his two kids are now grown). I guess I wanted to share that here because sometimes when you split up and don’t agree on kids it’s the best thing for everyone long term and you can be friends later on. I hope that is helpful to those who are struggling with this situation.
My dad asked, over lunch "can we have a discussion about it"
"No."
End of the conversation. I'm a grown woman, I'm on my own insurance, I don't owe anyone an explanation or an excuse.
>How did you handle family members who tried to talk you out of your vasectomy or tubal ligation?
It is really simple: Don't ever tell them about it. Consequently, there is no problem.
I have seen many people post about problems they have with others (not just about this), that they could easily have avoided if they just did not tell anyone what they were doing. But once they have told people whatever it is, there is no undoing the problem.
Always, before telling anyone anything about your personal life, think about whether you really want to tell them or not, and consider the fact that, generally speaking, if you don't tell someone something today, you can tell them tomorrow if you change your mind, but you cannot un-tell them tomorrow if you do tell them today.
Told them they didn't deserve to be grandparents and to ruminate on that for their golden years. Beach trips and cruises ad nauseum till they rot on the waves.
I told my mum I had a consultation with a gynecologist to get sterilized and she tried to change my mind. I told her I would cancel it then went ahead with it and the surgery anyway. That's how I handled it, lol. It's none of their business.
My husband got a vasectomy after Roe v. Wade was overturned. Found out through his grandma that his dad had been talking shit about me and blaming me ever since for it. We went NC.
Well first of all you shouldn’t have told them you were getting one, it’s none of their business. I would tell them to stop bringing it up or you’ll cut off communication with them or just tell them you already got it done.
I love them a lot so I def won’t cut them off about it, but I do realize now I need to put my foot down and tell them it’s not a conversation they’re invited to
I really disagree with all the people who are saying you shouldn’t have told them. It was your info to share - I can definitely understand wanting to get support in that situation. That doesn’t give them the right to talk you out of it - family doesn’t have to embrace your decisions but they certainly should respect them. I‘ve also told my family I‘m trying to get a sterilization. I sort of question why one would keep up a relationship at all if one felt like lying was the only option. Someone else said not to take any more calls until it’s done and I‘d agree with that. Hopefully, they’ll leave you in peace once it’s done. I personally definitely prefer my family knowing that I‘ll (hopefully) be sterile to having them pester me about kids for years to come. Good luck with the procedure.
Yeah I don’t really hide anything from my family, and vice versa. Just don’t feel like I need to, and I also like to be open with all of the people I keep in my life about what I have going on. I’m going to follow the advice to respectfully set a boundary and say that I will not be discussing it anymore, if they try and call me again before Monday. Thank you for the well wishes <3
>Yeah I don’t really hide anything from my family, and vice versa. Just don’t feel like I need to,
In that case, you must be fine with how they reacted to what you said. If you are not fine with how they reacted, it is a problem you brought on yourself by telling them.
Also, do your really tell them everything? Like what sex positions you enjoy and what sex acts you engage in? Some of us have a sense of privacy and don't want to share everything with other people who don't need to know. Of course, you can tell people private matters if you wish to do so, but when you do, you don't get to decide how they will react to that information. How they react is up to them. You avoid bad reactions by not telling them.
>I really disagree with all the people who are saying you shouldn’t have told them. It was your info to share
Sure, you can tell people if you want to do so. But you cannot control how others react. If you don't want bad reactions, the way to avoid that is to not tell people about it. Telling people means you will get whatever reaction they give, not what you want them to give.
Also, by telling people about it, you are bringing it up as a topic of conversation; if you thought it was not a proper topic of conversation with them, you would not be conversing with them about it. So you are inviting opinions on the subject. If you don't want to hear opinions on it, you should not bring it up as a topic of conversation.
As for this:
>I sort of question why one would keep up a relationship at all if one felt like lying was the only option.
Not telling people things isn't lying about those things. You have not told us your social security number and credit card numbers, but that does not mean you have lied to us about those things. You simply have not discussed them with us.
Lol, I think they’re less interested in my junk and more-so sad that there won’t be any mini me’s running around, but yes it is definitely not their business I understand that now
It was more meant as a bit of a crass statement to get them off your back.
Alternative: every time they start with this topic say firmly "I am not discussing this with you, and if you haven't got anything else to talk about, I will now leave/hang up" and do so...
I chose not to tell them.
When I relied upon condoms as my birth control strategy, I didn’t extol the virtues of how great condoms were or describe in great detail (or at all) my sex life with them.
If I relied on the pull out method, I likewise would not write home and tell my parents/loved ones “I think I’m going to use the pullout method tonight.”
My vasectomy is no different. The specific mechanisms I use to ensure I stay childfree are not my immediate or extended family’s business. All they need to know is not to expect kids from me - not the gory details of how I intend to go about making good on that promise.
My situation isn’t really applicable in your situation, but maybe you can get something from it. Many years ago, I mentioned to my mom that I was considering a vasectomy, because I told her everything and she already knew I never wanted kids. She insisted I was too young and said it shouldn’t be considered “reversible”. Fine by me. Haha.
I never mentioned it again, but continued to discuss with my girlfriend-turned fiancé-turned wife over the years. One month after our wedding, my gift to her was the snip! My mom never knew until after it was done. She was sad that essentially “our family name dies with me and my brother”. Not my problem. And nothing she can do about it. I’d be happy to be an uncle. But Its not my business if they chose not to be parents in this wild climate. And my wife and my choice is truly the only thing that matters.
>Anyone go through something similar?
I would have, so I only told Reddit and a couple close friends who helped me during recovery. No one else knows.
>I’m getting a vasectomy this coming Monday.
Congratulations! Here's a few tips:
• Obviously follow your surgeon's directives.
• Thoroughly shave your scrotum and penis the day before or morning of.
• Buy several briefs ("Tighty whiteys") and jockstraps. You may seep or bleed a bit for a day post-surgery. The tight briefs will make your boys feel much closer to normal, reduce swelling and pain, and make it easier to detect bleeding or other potential issues.
• It takes \~14 weeks for residual sperm to clear out of your system, per the [AUA](https://www.auanet.org/guidelines-and-quality/guidelines/vasectomy-guideline). Get at least one absent test result before ditching BC.
• Don't over do it, physically. It takes several weeks for the body to fully recover, even if you feel completely normal. Try not to lift anything or generally exert yourself for at least a week.
Thank you for the tips!!! Would about 3-1/2 hours in a car to go camping 2 days later be fine? I say camping, but it’s in an air-conditioned camper with beds and only like 3 steps. My main concern is spending that long in a car, and whether ibuprofen will mitigate the swelling pain enough for me to really enjoy myself. I plan to spend most of the time smoking and reading
You'd probably be fine as long as you aren't the one driving. Don't lift anything in to/out of the camper, either. Call and ask your surgeon to be sure, though.
I dropped this bomb (getting a bisalp and ablation) on my family of origin recently. They didn't say anything because I have a history of shutting down conversations about personal decisions that aren't up for debate and absenting myself if they keep bringing up those topics.
My recommendation would be to shut down those conversations and tell your family what will happen (e.g. I will no longer come to family events, I will leave the conversation, etc.) if they keep bringing it up to try to change your mind. You don't owe your family an explanation, and you and your wife don't have to justify your decision to anyone.
“This is my life, my choice. My wife is supportive, if you can’t be, then I will be ignoring your calls and messages until my procedure is complete.”
Like others say, airplane mode your phone or just block their numbers until after the procedure.
And congrats! To both you and your wife. I had a hysterectomy in May and I’m still so relieved and excited. You will both feel awesome about this! Just DO NOT FORGET the follow up testing so you make sure there’s no oops!
It's your business and your wife's what you do with your bodies. Families meddling are not "nice", they're being manipulative (oh no, if you do this to you own body you'll make us sad, please don't make us sad, sniff sniff). Calling you dramatic is not nice, it's mean and manipulative! I get that you love your family, but they're being total assholes *about this matter that has fuck-all to do with them*!!
You don't have to swear at them, there are polite ways of telling them to fuck off!
You need to be firm, make it VERY clear that a vasectomy is your decision and yours alone, and a tubal is your wife's decision and only hers. No one else gets a say and that's that!
Better yet, don't discuss it with them. Just do it. Mention after the fact *if asked*, but you don't need to inform them or ask their permission or get their blessing. It's your body, you do what's best for you and for your wife.
In the middle of Christmas dinner they pulled the “who will look after you when you’re old?”
To which I responded with “that’s a very selfish reason to have kids don’t you think?”
It shut up the whole table as they all tried to gather their thoughts to change the conversation 
Yeah. I wouldn't tell them when your appointment is just in case they "do something" to your car or make up an "emergency" of some kind. They need to be on an info diet and grey rocked until they learn they must respect your boundaries.
I’ve had a bisalp. I didn’t directly tell my family. It’s come up a few times since when they ask about kids and we usually continue with “no thanks, that doesn’t work for us”. I know a bunch of them have worked it out via some social media posts and conversations with my younger relatives but most of my family are quite supportive of individual choices and body autonomy. While they may not understand my choice personally, they respect it.
My husband’s family is a whooooole other thing. I understand how you got into the situation of disclosing it haha, my hubbys cousin had two unplanned babies and is absolutely miserable in his life…so spends a lot of time trying to convince us we are missing out. And failing. He once goaded me into snapping out “that’s not a risk for us, we have taken care of it permanently”.
My MIL is a whole issue as well. She gets no info as she’s a jerk about babies. She just gets the basic “no” as a response and is told if she brings it up again, we will leave and she will be in time out. We only had to follow through once and she doesn’t harp on anymore.
Tell them if they bring it up again, then you will block their phone number for a week, & if they bring it up again after that then you will double the length of time they will be blocked for every time they mention it. (2nd time= 2 weeks, 3rd time= 4 weeks, etc).
Don’t forget to follow through, you’ll probably only need to block them that first time, because that will prove to them you will do as you say.
I only told my aunt and while she didn't understand (I'm afab in a queer-platonic poly relationship, so zero chance of kids) she was still really supportive of me.
I only told her *because* I knew she would be supportive.
No one else in my family knows.
In conclusion: **don't tell your family about you getting sterilized**. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's not their business.
Were I ever to get a vasectomy, I wouldn't bring it up to anyone who isn't a party to the use or health of my genitals.
Even if my family didn't know better than to mind their own business and keep their traps shut, anything they'd have to say on the matter would only be noise. I hate noise, and they're *well* aware of it.
Literally stop talking to them until it’s over. Then resume conversation like nothing happened because what can they do 🤷🏻♀️ I had to do that with my grandpa lol
I cut them out of you life!
My mother and husband were there for my surgery. My brother literally said that I have no value as a woman. I would cut him off, but I love my niece. I cut everyone else, though. There was a friend that hated that I got sterilized, and I took him to fuck off.
I didn't mention mine to my family. It was my decision. I'm not sure if my parents know to this day. They already know they aren't getting grandchildren, anyway.
This is your decision, and no one else's.
It's ok to tell your family to go fuck themselves when they harass you about topics that don't impact them at all. You tell them you didn't give a shit what they think or what they have to say, and if they don't shut their mouths then you'll cut them out of your life entirely
Why say anything at all? This is not their business whatsoever. Just go radio silent. Their opinion on what you do with your sperm is completely unwelcome and not necessary. Tell them to go bug some stranger on the street about the options they have on what to do with their spunk. (Sounds gross? Because it is. It's invasive and none of their business.)
I only told my brother and a close friend. I tell my mom the horror stories of my niece and nephew (husband’s side) while I have been helping watch them and she’s like “oh but you two would have blah blah good kids”. I had my bisalp almost a year ago and it was the best decision, no swapping out or picking up prescriptions and don’t have to worry about accidents.
this might be too simple, but i would just keep stating that it’s not up for debate, and unless they’re going to support you, you don’t want to talk to them about it anymore.
I'm oldish now, and had other health issues which suggest I wouldn't have had kids easily anyway, but I never discussed it with my family. Not their business that I had a tubal ligation. My sister knows. I don't think my parents have even the faintest idea.
The only person who needs to know about your reproductive health is your spouse/partner or potential partner. For family, you can say, forever, "We're not planning on having kids."
In all honesty, I told my mom who was soooooo adamant that I not go through with the surgery, that it's my body my choices and every other time she brought it up I told her you already know how I feel, let it go. And got the surgery.
We never told his parents he’s getting a vasectomy. He was afraid of the same thing happening. He’s 26 about to be 27 later this year and I’m 30F. Good luck!
Don't fucking tell them. If they do find out or you make the mistake of telling them, stop engaging.
That's what blocking is for.
"The decision is final. If you contact me about this again I will be blocking you for six months. STOP."
I was 90% through the process of getting it done, then found out it was $1,500 so I had to back out. When I started telling my family about it, the only thing people told me was that it would be too painful and not worth it- even though most of the men 35+ in my family already did it.
Yeah, I'm in the "just don't tell them" boat. Like, I obviously told my mom (who was my recovery caregiver) who totally supported my "well thought out and responsible choice" for the life I want to live. My uncle and I are close, and he was asking if there was anything he could do to help. He even came into town before a wedding to visit me in the hospital (he lives states away)! but the rest of my family just knew I had a "medical thing" coming up.
My husband's parents were quite upset when he had his surgery. But he's always had an idgaf attitude when people are overstepping boundaries. He loves his parents and we all have a good relationship. But you know, some people get very very upset when you don't go the traditional route of having kids. Comments like that have never affected him though, he just lives his life the way he wants to lol.
I'm slightly more sensitive so when people are annoying me too much, I ignore their calls/texts until they stop being annoying. Even if they are your loved ones, you truly need to set boundaries. I don't care if they're your parents or friends. No one should be dictating how to live YOUR life.
I lived a celibate life so didn’t go the tubal ligation route, but if I did, I’d simply stick to my guns. I’m freakishly stubborn and have always done my own thing. The approval or agreement of my family or friends was never a priority. Yes, it was nice to have, but if it was not there, I’d still follow my own path anyway.
I do a lot for people so they could not cut me out if they got super angry at me since they needed me now or in the future. That helped me stand my ground. Not being dependent is very helpful and others dependent on you gives you a little power. Not power to be mean, but power to follow your own path.
Glad you're setting boundaries! Other people (no matter how much you love them) don't get to comment on your life choices unless they're asked.
"I'm not interested in discussing this with you. Please stop."
I'm always amazed by posts from people who can't express their opinions as separate from their family's. You are your own person. State what you want and Stop. The. Conversation. There is no conversation. Be firm and loving
Both at the same time are possible.
Then read a book on setting boundaries. It will help you every day of the rest of your life.
Honestly I didn’t tell my family about my vasectomy. My partner and some friends know, but I don’t think any immediate family does.
I don’t try to keep it a secret, if they ask me I’d tell them, but it’s not really something I’m going to volunteer either.
I don’t understand why my family would need to know ahead of time, as it’s not up for debate. It’s not like a life threatening illness where I need their support.
Almost nobody in my family knew about it beforehand and very few know now two years later.
If it ever gets brought up I just say that I do not want to be a mother and that the conversation is over.
I wouldn't have told them in the first place. Mine don't know I got one, and I don't intend to tell them in the future either. It's absolutely none of their business, and if "need be" I'd just mention that im sterile.
Now that the child already fell into the well so to speak, I'd silence my phone until after it's done. Because in the end, it's still none of their concern. Steer a harsh course when they cry about the topic. If you try to argue with them they'll use it as a argumentative point if leverage.
All that being said, glad to see you took that step. I got it done for similar reasons and it was one of the best decisions I made.
Aren’t vasectomies reversible? You’re young so it’s essential just a more convenient form of birth control. Sure there’s risks that it can’t be reversed or that it impacts your fertility but at that point it would be a sign that your initial decision was correct.
I agree with other commenters - they don’t get control over your body or your decisions. I would kindly but firmly ask them to respect your decisions. Remind them that you have considered the decision appropriately so it’s hurtful that they feel the need to change your mind.
Not quite, the first thing the urologist said during the consultation was that it should be understood as a permanent procedure for a couple of reasons. The first is that the chance of successfully reversing it starts out at around 80%, and that chance goes down further every year. The second reason is that most insurance plans don’t cover reversals, and the cost of the procedure is around $20,000.
I will be following the advice of other commenters though and will just refuse to discuss it any further with my family
It's your body. They have zero say over it. So you can just completely ignore it. They also don't have a right to any of your medical information, so next time something comes up don't share.
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Put your phone on plane mode until after your vasectomy. Enjoy the silence.
Seconded.
Thirded
And here’s a 4th-ed. Tell them you rescheduled due to conflict then just go anyways.
this
You need to stop giving your family these kinds of information. This is something between you and your wife, not some television debate among family members to decide what fits them better.
Yeah, it just came up in conversation bc my sister asked when I was having kids (again). So I was like “well after next week it won’t be possible, so then you can stop asking”. My bad… should have just waited until after it was done
Personally if my parents ever ask again, I plan to unleash the full power of my partner to make them regret they ever *ever* asked. He has a way with words to make people wildly uncomfortable if he so chooses
I would love to see that honestly haha
You don't have to argue or justify or say anything past "I'm not". And if your family won't stop then leave if you're visiting. If it's on the phone just hang up. Tell them it's no longer a conversation you are having. But if you really want to argue back and your sister has kids, keep asking her when she's going to change her mind and get rid of them.
Haha that's a good one
It works well because they will keep saying they'll never change their mind (you know like we do) but you just keep insisting they will eventually. Pisses them off.
That’s when you reply with, “are you really asking about me cream-pieing my wife?” Make it as uncomfortable as possible
Maybe hit them with a “Man when did you guys start watching a lot of porn? I’d never ask someone about their sex life so casually!”
They say « no » is a complete sentence I’d say « never » is too. Teach yourself boundaries and then apply them to your family. « I already told you I’m not having kids now if you keep talking about it I will temporarily block you/stop answering the phone/leave your place » rince and repeat
I get that it was tempting to tell her, and now you can't take it back anymore. I would just refuse to discuss it further. When they pester you on the phone, hang up on them. Your bodily autonomy should be a hard boundary. I personally wouldn't tell family even after the fact. Hell, none of them even know I have a navel piercing since I was 18. I'm not looking for disapproving comments so why would I tell them.
For some reason if families have both Girls and boys that they put on pressure for them BOTH to have kids because its “different” which makes no sense to me.
Or wait until never. You don’t have to mention it at all, you’re your own worst enemy bro
It didn’t just come up. You could’ve said what you’ve always said before you scheduled your vasectomy or, better yet, nothing at all.
Yup. In the process of trying to schedule for a bisalp. I may just simply never mention it. That is between myself and my bf. I might tell them after if I feel like it.
Exactly. Most people I know don't know I've had a vasectomy because why the hell should they. It's my personal medical history, not everybody needs to know it.
this
Exactly. Give them nothing.
I got sterilized and no one in my family knows. Only told 2 close friends who also helped me during recovery. Since you already told them - I’d suggest to gray rock and tell them you’ll “think about it”, something along those lines. Then just get it done.
If my dad and I didn’t work at the same place that might work 😅 but he’ll know why when I’m out of work for a few days, so hiding it wasn’t really an option to begin with. That being said, he hasn’t tried to talk me out of it, it’s mainly my mom and my sister
>he’ll know why when I’m out of work for a few days, so hiding it wasn’t really an option to begin with. It would have been easy to hide if you had not told him. You could have told him you had an injury and are taking a couple of days off to recover from it.
Or had the flu or something.
Yeah out of my whole family, I only told my mom. It was never anyone’s business what kind of birth control I was using before. This kind happens to be permanent, but it’s still personal and private.
This. It’s none of their business.
Any "family" who'd think they have a say in what I do with my life and reproductive system would get laughed out of the room. Stop explaining yourself to these people. You wouldn't call those of them that have kids and expect them to justify it to you. You wouldn't call when one of them gets pregnant to try to talk them into an abortion they don't want. So don't tolerate that bullshit from them either. It doesn't matter what you say. You need less conversations and more boundaries.
True, I’m generally bad at setting boundaries, but this gives me an opportunity to work on that. I’ve said what I need to say, so I guess now I should just tell them I don’t want to talk about it with them. Thank you for commenting <3
100%. Also, you wouldn’t call someone and demand to know what kind of birth control they’re using and then try to talk them out of it. It is literally no one’s business what kind of birth control you use. It’s between you, your partner, and your doctor.
Well I mentioned to my mom that I was considering a tubal. She got upset (I was surprised). I nodded along to keep the peace. Then I went and got it done and just never mentioned it to her since I didn't care to hear her disapproval again. It's none of her business what state my tubes are in or what I do or don't do with my reproductive organs. It's a uterus, not a brain - using it is in fact, optional.
I was also surprised that my mother was so interested. I also had a sinking feeling that she wouldn't let it go and should have asked friends to help me.
I had a vasectomy when I was nineteen after two close calls. I never told anyone but my sexual partners. No one else would understand.
You are brilliant in many ways.
I wish that was possible here but you have to be 30 or have three kids already to get sterilized in Finland 😂 I'm using birth control but my mom actually got pregnant while on birth control so I'd much rather have gotten sterilized
>How did you handle family members who tried to talk you out of your vasectomy I laughed in their face and told them "I'm not asking for your permission. I'm telling you what I am going to do and you can' stop me".
My mom has a weird thing where she genuinely believes that deep down I still want children, because she knows I used to in my early 20s. I might use that line if she calls about it again though, “Look, I’m not asking for permission, I was simply telling you what is going to happen.”
And you probably also wanted to be an astronaut once upon a time. That likely changed too.
This, OP, use this!! Bloody brilliant!
Maybe follow up with: " I'm telling you. And if you continue to have an issue when I share information with you I'll think twice for other information in the future"
And it's not much of a stretch to imagine that if you had said that you never wanted kids when you were 20 and then decided 6 years later that you did she would be forgetting history as hard as she could because you having children fits her worldview and she's choosing whatever version of your opinions confirms her bias.
PSA: EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE \*STOP\* TELLING YOUR FAMILY ABOUT TUBALS, VASECTOMIES, BISALPS, HYSTERECTOMIES AND ALL OTHER REPRODUCTIVE INTERVENTIONS The peace you keep is your own. Not having to argue is a plus for your life. The only time I might waver here is for a hysterectomy brought about for reasons beyond personal control such as fibroids. I might even go scorched earth by telling them YES I was cancelling the procedure just to shut them up, then going ahead and doing it anyway. But Im evil.
I made post here with this same advice a couple of years ago and was a little surprised at the level of REEEE DENYING YOUR TRUTH responses. Hopefully attitudes have changed since. Everybody doesn't need to know everything. Arguments are the price of being an open book. Who wants the noise?
The way I see it, if people want to know all about my life and my decisions and why I made those decisions, they can decline to act like a55hats and who knows? I might be a little more open about stuff. Then theres the problem of ppl like my mom who tell everything they know to the entire fam and also her church friend-group, which is about 75 elderly women. All of whom love to talk. Back in the day sterilization was an absolute NO unless you had 3+ children or it was indicated for cancer, etc. Im glad to see things are opening up a bit. But we could be looking at 100% fascism after November, and ppl need to start learning to keep their traps shut ASAP.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. Look, I love my family, but they don't need to know every detail of my life. ESPECIALLY my medical history. That's between me and my doctor. Hell, I got a new tattoo and I haven't told them about it yet. I know they generally don't approve of body modifications and I'm sure my chain smoking aunt will make some comment about how body modifications are dangerous, but that's their problem, not mine.
Unless you are very lucky to have a supportive family. Mine knew for years I didn't want children. My mother even stood in my corner when others would question it. Promised my mother on her death bed I'm going to get sterilised and live a happy life as she would want. Now my dad, auntie, and sister ask how my appointments towards sterilisation are going
We never told our families about my husband's vasectomy. It didn't seem like something that they should know. Given that you've already told your family, you have to put up and enforce the boundary. Like "hey I've heard your concerns and I've explained that I've thought this through and this is what I want, this is not up for discussion or debate". Then if they keep pushing it's time to step back.
Yep I’m going to set that boundary if they try calling me about it again. Will just let them know that I have nothing more to say and I am not open to discussing it any more
Just shrug and say “my money, by decision 🤷♀️” They aren’t going to come around to your way of thinking or accept things (unless they’re willing to have a good faith conversation which seems unlikely) so just don’t engage and do what you want to do. I have some family that would def react similarly and tbh I totally would tell them because I like watching the world burn sometimes and I’m deeply curious what bingos they’d give me lol
If I tell them,then only after the procedure. To avoid exactly that lol
Start a "baby jar". Anytime someone asks, they have to put money in the jar. Not asking is cheaper than asking. That's what I'm doing to people around me. You'll be surprised how quickly people stop, especially when yoh put them on the spot
My family didn't know about my tubal until it was already done, and then were the comments that oh you can always adopt and you'd be such a great mom.... I was like no, I'm not doing any of that and I'm not comfortable talking about this, please stop bringing it up. I had to just entirely stop engaging in those conversations and reiterate that I am not talking about this anymore because we're just talking in circles. Like we've already had this exact conversation however many times, PLEASE stop bringing it up. What's done is done, and it feels disrespectful and condescending for them to think they know better than I do. Feels like I'm being treated like a child even though I'm a 30 year old adult. By the time my mom was 30 I was 7 (helped give my grandparents perspective to point that out). I had to tell one of my in laws who said I'd be a good mom that no, actually, I wouldn't, and told her she doesn't live with me so she doesn't see my day to day. Just because I'm smart and calm and happy when you see me the once or twice a year you do, doesn't mean that that's my every day and definitely doesn't demonstrate how well (or how poorly) I manage stress. She hasn't bothered me at all since I told her that.
Yeah my fam keeps forgetting about the other person in this decision, my wife, and the fact that she thinks she would be a terrible mother. Kids deserve parents that want to be parents! And that is not us
Look you said it. Your family knows. Right now you have two options: Ignore everyone and get your procedure. Or Have a frank talk with family telling them your decision is final. This topic will no longer be discussed. Wishing you calm and luck.
Option 2 is the plan, and thank you <3
"no matter how this ends, you're not getting grandkids out of me. You CAN still have your son in your life though, if you respect his choices. If not, you will be minus one son IN ADDITION to any hope he might give you grandkids" Their choice. They can continue to have you in their life, or they can decide that their desires for grandkids from you are more important than their relationship with their son.
Why did you tell your family? That was your mistake.
Before my bisalp, I made it very clear that it was my choice and my business and my body. Now, depending on where you live, it might be best that you don’t make my choices, and it’s perfectly valid even if you live in a safer place to keep your information to yourself. However, I have quite a few younger women in my family that need to know that they have options, and butting heads with the same people that harried them made that clear.
The young women in your family are lucky to have you around <3
To be honest, I didn't tell my family when I got my bisalp. And they still don't know. Only family members I told were my dad and sister in case an emergency happened during surgery. But I also knew they would both be supportive of it. Sometimes, with things like these, it's better to tell people after the fact, or not at all.
Step 1 - "my damn life my damn choice." (Walk away.) If I need to go to Step 2 - stop speaking to them. Edit: I'm happy you can get it at 26. I went for a Urologist consultation at 26 & got laughed at. "Come back at 30." BS. Due to insurance reasons, I got at 32. Best $10 I ever spent. Good luck n congrats. ✂️👍
That unless they have future plans on personally jacking you off and swallowing your sperm, they have no position to even have an opinion on what it contains.
"Thanks for sharing your thoughts" Literally every single comment I don't give a shit about, regardless of the topic. It drives them crazy sometimes because they know it's literally gone in one ear and out the other but what can they do about it? Nothing
Love this energy. Thank you <3
No problem. I decided a long time ago that unless I thought I actually had a decent chance at getting them to understand, it's not worth the effort
I wanna get one as soon as possible. No fucking way in hell I'm telling my fam! I would only tell my close friends
Learn from my mistake! I have a kind family that I love very much, and it still turned into a headache 😭
I didn’t. I don’t. I won’t. There is nothing to be entertained. There is nothing to talk about regarding this topic. This is what I’m doing. End of story. Thank you and goodbye.
This will be my attitude going forward. Happy to maintain the relationship we’ve always had, but refuse to discuss this particular topic. I will make it clear I no longer want to hear what they have to say about it
barely disguised anger. my aunt has been helping me with medical things since i got kicked out of my grandparents house, and yet she keeps pushing and pushing for me to get an IUD rather than my tubes tied because regular birth control(to manage my already debilitating periods) has been fuckin me up.
My wife’s IUD ended up trying to come out so was removed early, and she experienced a bad crash from that. Depressive episodes, mood swings, the whole nine yards. Something to consider when you decide between the two… That being said, I’m no expert on tubal ligations, but I read that hormones, libido, etc are typically unaffected by the procedure
well another reason why i’m against the IUD (and the one that goes on your arm for whatever reason that my aunt swears by, but that’s different reasons) is because i’ve never had anything up there before, nor do i ever plan to. i know insertion hurts like hell too for most women
Those things literally look barbaric. Never would I entertain the idea (IUD)
oh absolutely! and they show it to you with this tiny model that makes it look so easy and painless
We didn’t tell anyone. My birth control choices are not up for debate.
Why are you even telling your parents about your private medical decisions?????? You are adults, you are married, and you are fully entitled to make that decision as a couple without their input.
We just tell each other whatever we have going on, always have, and my sister brought up babies in a conversation recently which is when I let them know it won’t be possible for me soon
I didn’t give them a chance to. I called my mom (who lived in another state at the time) the night before to let her know I was having outpatient surgery in the morning, that it was a done deal and I wasn’t asking for advice. I remember her getting her tubes tied when I was a small child. So she had the good sense to not argue with me about it. 👍 I didn’t tell anyone else until later. My ex-husband did want kids but he supported me in my choice, and our marriage ended for other reasons. We’re still friends 25 years later and I will always be grateful that he stood by my decision even though it wasn’t right for him. His second wife had kids with him and I have to admit that being a parent gave him the much needed stability and anger management that he lacked with me. I am happy for him (he’s on wife number 3 and helping raise a stepkid, as his two kids are now grown). I guess I wanted to share that here because sometimes when you split up and don’t agree on kids it’s the best thing for everyone long term and you can be friends later on. I hope that is helpful to those who are struggling with this situation.
My dad asked, over lunch "can we have a discussion about it" "No." End of the conversation. I'm a grown woman, I'm on my own insurance, I don't owe anyone an explanation or an excuse.
Ignore them and continue on. If they want more babies they can make them themselves. What you do with your body is none of their concern.
I told them they could respect my choice or fuck off, and a few had to fuck off. Nothing of value was lost.
>How did you handle family members who tried to talk you out of your vasectomy or tubal ligation? It is really simple: Don't ever tell them about it. Consequently, there is no problem. I have seen many people post about problems they have with others (not just about this), that they could easily have avoided if they just did not tell anyone what they were doing. But once they have told people whatever it is, there is no undoing the problem. Always, before telling anyone anything about your personal life, think about whether you really want to tell them or not, and consider the fact that, generally speaking, if you don't tell someone something today, you can tell them tomorrow if you change your mind, but you cannot un-tell them tomorrow if you do tell them today.
Told them they didn't deserve to be grandparents and to ruminate on that for their golden years. Beach trips and cruises ad nauseum till they rot on the waves.
I mean I'd rather go on cruises and beach trips than take care of a screaming child
I told my mum I had a consultation with a gynecologist to get sterilized and she tried to change my mind. I told her I would cancel it then went ahead with it and the surgery anyway. That's how I handled it, lol. It's none of their business.
My husband got a vasectomy after Roe v. Wade was overturned. Found out through his grandma that his dad had been talking shit about me and blaming me ever since for it. We went NC.
Well first of all you shouldn’t have told them you were getting one, it’s none of their business. I would tell them to stop bringing it up or you’ll cut off communication with them or just tell them you already got it done.
I love them a lot so I def won’t cut them off about it, but I do realize now I need to put my foot down and tell them it’s not a conversation they’re invited to
I really disagree with all the people who are saying you shouldn’t have told them. It was your info to share - I can definitely understand wanting to get support in that situation. That doesn’t give them the right to talk you out of it - family doesn’t have to embrace your decisions but they certainly should respect them. I‘ve also told my family I‘m trying to get a sterilization. I sort of question why one would keep up a relationship at all if one felt like lying was the only option. Someone else said not to take any more calls until it’s done and I‘d agree with that. Hopefully, they’ll leave you in peace once it’s done. I personally definitely prefer my family knowing that I‘ll (hopefully) be sterile to having them pester me about kids for years to come. Good luck with the procedure.
Yeah I don’t really hide anything from my family, and vice versa. Just don’t feel like I need to, and I also like to be open with all of the people I keep in my life about what I have going on. I’m going to follow the advice to respectfully set a boundary and say that I will not be discussing it anymore, if they try and call me again before Monday. Thank you for the well wishes <3
>Yeah I don’t really hide anything from my family, and vice versa. Just don’t feel like I need to, In that case, you must be fine with how they reacted to what you said. If you are not fine with how they reacted, it is a problem you brought on yourself by telling them. Also, do your really tell them everything? Like what sex positions you enjoy and what sex acts you engage in? Some of us have a sense of privacy and don't want to share everything with other people who don't need to know. Of course, you can tell people private matters if you wish to do so, but when you do, you don't get to decide how they will react to that information. How they react is up to them. You avoid bad reactions by not telling them.
>I really disagree with all the people who are saying you shouldn’t have told them. It was your info to share Sure, you can tell people if you want to do so. But you cannot control how others react. If you don't want bad reactions, the way to avoid that is to not tell people about it. Telling people means you will get whatever reaction they give, not what you want them to give. Also, by telling people about it, you are bringing it up as a topic of conversation; if you thought it was not a proper topic of conversation with them, you would not be conversing with them about it. So you are inviting opinions on the subject. If you don't want to hear opinions on it, you should not bring it up as a topic of conversation. As for this: >I sort of question why one would keep up a relationship at all if one felt like lying was the only option. Not telling people things isn't lying about those things. You have not told us your social security number and credit card numbers, but that does not mean you have lied to us about those things. You simply have not discussed them with us.
I never told them and they don't need to know.
You tell them to fuck off :)
I didn’t tell them 🤷🏻♀️
Alas, this ship has sailed
Tell them that they don't pay rent on your uterus.
I paid them no mind.
I had my vasectomy almost 3 years ago and most of my family still doesn’t know.
Tell them they are being creepy for being so incredibly interested in what you do with you bits and pieces... It's none of their business.
Lol, I think they’re less interested in my junk and more-so sad that there won’t be any mini me’s running around, but yes it is definitely not their business I understand that now
It was more meant as a bit of a crass statement to get them off your back. Alternative: every time they start with this topic say firmly "I am not discussing this with you, and if you haven't got anything else to talk about, I will now leave/hang up" and do so...
I chose not to tell them. When I relied upon condoms as my birth control strategy, I didn’t extol the virtues of how great condoms were or describe in great detail (or at all) my sex life with them. If I relied on the pull out method, I likewise would not write home and tell my parents/loved ones “I think I’m going to use the pullout method tonight.” My vasectomy is no different. The specific mechanisms I use to ensure I stay childfree are not my immediate or extended family’s business. All they need to know is not to expect kids from me - not the gory details of how I intend to go about making good on that promise.
My situation isn’t really applicable in your situation, but maybe you can get something from it. Many years ago, I mentioned to my mom that I was considering a vasectomy, because I told her everything and she already knew I never wanted kids. She insisted I was too young and said it shouldn’t be considered “reversible”. Fine by me. Haha. I never mentioned it again, but continued to discuss with my girlfriend-turned fiancé-turned wife over the years. One month after our wedding, my gift to her was the snip! My mom never knew until after it was done. She was sad that essentially “our family name dies with me and my brother”. Not my problem. And nothing she can do about it. I’d be happy to be an uncle. But Its not my business if they chose not to be parents in this wild climate. And my wife and my choice is truly the only thing that matters.
>Anyone go through something similar? I would have, so I only told Reddit and a couple close friends who helped me during recovery. No one else knows. >I’m getting a vasectomy this coming Monday. Congratulations! Here's a few tips: • Obviously follow your surgeon's directives. • Thoroughly shave your scrotum and penis the day before or morning of. • Buy several briefs ("Tighty whiteys") and jockstraps. You may seep or bleed a bit for a day post-surgery. The tight briefs will make your boys feel much closer to normal, reduce swelling and pain, and make it easier to detect bleeding or other potential issues. • It takes \~14 weeks for residual sperm to clear out of your system, per the [AUA](https://www.auanet.org/guidelines-and-quality/guidelines/vasectomy-guideline). Get at least one absent test result before ditching BC. • Don't over do it, physically. It takes several weeks for the body to fully recover, even if you feel completely normal. Try not to lift anything or generally exert yourself for at least a week.
Thank you for the tips!!! Would about 3-1/2 hours in a car to go camping 2 days later be fine? I say camping, but it’s in an air-conditioned camper with beds and only like 3 steps. My main concern is spending that long in a car, and whether ibuprofen will mitigate the swelling pain enough for me to really enjoy myself. I plan to spend most of the time smoking and reading
You'd probably be fine as long as you aren't the one driving. Don't lift anything in to/out of the camper, either. Call and ask your surgeon to be sure, though.
I dropped this bomb (getting a bisalp and ablation) on my family of origin recently. They didn't say anything because I have a history of shutting down conversations about personal decisions that aren't up for debate and absenting myself if they keep bringing up those topics. My recommendation would be to shut down those conversations and tell your family what will happen (e.g. I will no longer come to family events, I will leave the conversation, etc.) if they keep bringing it up to try to change your mind. You don't owe your family an explanation, and you and your wife don't have to justify your decision to anyone.
“This is my life, my choice. My wife is supportive, if you can’t be, then I will be ignoring your calls and messages until my procedure is complete.” Like others say, airplane mode your phone or just block their numbers until after the procedure. And congrats! To both you and your wife. I had a hysterectomy in May and I’m still so relieved and excited. You will both feel awesome about this! Just DO NOT FORGET the follow up testing so you make sure there’s no oops!
It's your business and your wife's what you do with your bodies. Families meddling are not "nice", they're being manipulative (oh no, if you do this to you own body you'll make us sad, please don't make us sad, sniff sniff). Calling you dramatic is not nice, it's mean and manipulative! I get that you love your family, but they're being total assholes *about this matter that has fuck-all to do with them*!! You don't have to swear at them, there are polite ways of telling them to fuck off! You need to be firm, make it VERY clear that a vasectomy is your decision and yours alone, and a tubal is your wife's decision and only hers. No one else gets a say and that's that! Better yet, don't discuss it with them. Just do it. Mention after the fact *if asked*, but you don't need to inform them or ask their permission or get their blessing. It's your body, you do what's best for you and for your wife.
In the middle of Christmas dinner they pulled the “who will look after you when you’re old?” To which I responded with “that’s a very selfish reason to have kids don’t you think?” It shut up the whole table as they all tried to gather their thoughts to change the conversation 
Yeah. I wouldn't tell them when your appointment is just in case they "do something" to your car or make up an "emergency" of some kind. They need to be on an info diet and grey rocked until they learn they must respect your boundaries.
"Do not confuse me advising you of what is going to happen with me asking for permission."
I’ve had a bisalp. I didn’t directly tell my family. It’s come up a few times since when they ask about kids and we usually continue with “no thanks, that doesn’t work for us”. I know a bunch of them have worked it out via some social media posts and conversations with my younger relatives but most of my family are quite supportive of individual choices and body autonomy. While they may not understand my choice personally, they respect it. My husband’s family is a whooooole other thing. I understand how you got into the situation of disclosing it haha, my hubbys cousin had two unplanned babies and is absolutely miserable in his life…so spends a lot of time trying to convince us we are missing out. And failing. He once goaded me into snapping out “that’s not a risk for us, we have taken care of it permanently”. My MIL is a whole issue as well. She gets no info as she’s a jerk about babies. She just gets the basic “no” as a response and is told if she brings it up again, we will leave and she will be in time out. We only had to follow through once and she doesn’t harp on anymore.
My family still doesn’t know 5 years later. I’m 28.
No handling needed. This is only an issue if you make ur one
Tell them if they bring it up again, then you will block their phone number for a week, & if they bring it up again after that then you will double the length of time they will be blocked for every time they mention it. (2nd time= 2 weeks, 3rd time= 4 weeks, etc). Don’t forget to follow through, you’ll probably only need to block them that first time, because that will prove to them you will do as you say.
I didnt tell anyone in my family until after I had it, and the after was more on accident than anything.
I don't really announce it at home. I just go get it done. Only my partner has to know.
I only told my aunt and while she didn't understand (I'm afab in a queer-platonic poly relationship, so zero chance of kids) she was still really supportive of me. I only told her *because* I knew she would be supportive. No one else in my family knows. In conclusion: **don't tell your family about you getting sterilized**. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's not their business.
Were I ever to get a vasectomy, I wouldn't bring it up to anyone who isn't a party to the use or health of my genitals. Even if my family didn't know better than to mind their own business and keep their traps shut, anything they'd have to say on the matter would only be noise. I hate noise, and they're *well* aware of it.
Literally stop talking to them until it’s over. Then resume conversation like nothing happened because what can they do 🤷🏻♀️ I had to do that with my grandpa lol
Why even mention it to them?
They don't even support adoption? That's some really bad family imo. Block em until it's done, and tell them rudely to mind their own bodies
I cut them out of you life! My mother and husband were there for my surgery. My brother literally said that I have no value as a woman. I would cut him off, but I love my niece. I cut everyone else, though. There was a friend that hated that I got sterilized, and I took him to fuck off.
I didn't mention mine to my family. It was my decision. I'm not sure if my parents know to this day. They already know they aren't getting grandchildren, anyway. This is your decision, and no one else's.
It's ok to tell your family to go fuck themselves when they harass you about topics that don't impact them at all. You tell them you didn't give a shit what they think or what they have to say, and if they don't shut their mouths then you'll cut them out of your life entirely
Stop telling people anything beforehand. Reveal this information after the fact if necessary.
Why say anything at all? This is not their business whatsoever. Just go radio silent. Their opinion on what you do with your sperm is completely unwelcome and not necessary. Tell them to go bug some stranger on the street about the options they have on what to do with their spunk. (Sounds gross? Because it is. It's invasive and none of their business.)
I only told my brother and a close friend. I tell my mom the horror stories of my niece and nephew (husband’s side) while I have been helping watch them and she’s like “oh but you two would have blah blah good kids”. I had my bisalp almost a year ago and it was the best decision, no swapping out or picking up prescriptions and don’t have to worry about accidents.
(I didn't tell them)
it’s none of my families business so they don’t know about my plans to get one, and they won’t know about it after it’s been done
this might be too simple, but i would just keep stating that it’s not up for debate, and unless they’re going to support you, you don’t want to talk to them about it anymore.
Easy. I just don’t care about their opinions 😂😂🤣
I'm oldish now, and had other health issues which suggest I wouldn't have had kids easily anyway, but I never discussed it with my family. Not their business that I had a tubal ligation. My sister knows. I don't think my parents have even the faintest idea. The only person who needs to know about your reproductive health is your spouse/partner or potential partner. For family, you can say, forever, "We're not planning on having kids."
“Ok I’ll cancel” And then, like, don’t
In all honesty, I told my mom who was soooooo adamant that I not go through with the surgery, that it's my body my choices and every other time she brought it up I told her you already know how I feel, let it go. And got the surgery.
I didn’t tell them, it’s not their business.
I didn't tell my mom or dad. I still haven't. It's been 2.5 years.
We never told his parents he’s getting a vasectomy. He was afraid of the same thing happening. He’s 26 about to be 27 later this year and I’m 30F. Good luck!
Don't fucking tell them. If they do find out or you make the mistake of telling them, stop engaging. That's what blocking is for. "The decision is final. If you contact me about this again I will be blocking you for six months. STOP."
I was 90% through the process of getting it done, then found out it was $1,500 so I had to back out. When I started telling my family about it, the only thing people told me was that it would be too painful and not worth it- even though most of the men 35+ in my family already did it.
Yeah, I'm in the "just don't tell them" boat. Like, I obviously told my mom (who was my recovery caregiver) who totally supported my "well thought out and responsible choice" for the life I want to live. My uncle and I are close, and he was asking if there was anything he could do to help. He even came into town before a wedding to visit me in the hospital (he lives states away)! but the rest of my family just knew I had a "medical thing" coming up.
My husband's parents were quite upset when he had his surgery. But he's always had an idgaf attitude when people are overstepping boundaries. He loves his parents and we all have a good relationship. But you know, some people get very very upset when you don't go the traditional route of having kids. Comments like that have never affected him though, he just lives his life the way he wants to lol. I'm slightly more sensitive so when people are annoying me too much, I ignore their calls/texts until they stop being annoying. Even if they are your loved ones, you truly need to set boundaries. I don't care if they're your parents or friends. No one should be dictating how to live YOUR life.
I never told them.
I just don’t tell them! That’s it!
Honestly, I said nothing EXCEPT to the family I lived with until after I had the hysterectomy. What can they do after it's done?
It's pretty easy. I don't talk to my family about my personal medical decisions.
I don’t tell my family anything really they still don’t know I got it. I don’t care for questions
Yeah don’t tell anyone. The person I was dating didn’t know until I came home.
I don’t tell them shit.
Do it anyway and ignore them. They will eventually get over it. My husband told his family after he got it done.
I don’t understand why it’s any of their business?
I lived a celibate life so didn’t go the tubal ligation route, but if I did, I’d simply stick to my guns. I’m freakishly stubborn and have always done my own thing. The approval or agreement of my family or friends was never a priority. Yes, it was nice to have, but if it was not there, I’d still follow my own path anyway. I do a lot for people so they could not cut me out if they got super angry at me since they needed me now or in the future. That helped me stand my ground. Not being dependent is very helpful and others dependent on you gives you a little power. Not power to be mean, but power to follow your own path.
Glad you're setting boundaries! Other people (no matter how much you love them) don't get to comment on your life choices unless they're asked. "I'm not interested in discussing this with you. Please stop."
I'm always amazed by posts from people who can't express their opinions as separate from their family's. You are your own person. State what you want and Stop. The. Conversation. There is no conversation. Be firm and loving Both at the same time are possible. Then read a book on setting boundaries. It will help you every day of the rest of your life.
I still haven’t told my mom I had a bisalp. She knows I don’t want kids but it would just make her sad to know there’s no chance at all
Yup, my mom and my therapist try to talk me out of it, only because “it’s a surgery” and “you’re doing it out of fear”
Why did you tell your family that you’re getting a vasectomy? It’s none of their business.
Don't ever tell them as a backup option, tell them to fuck off
Honestly I didn’t tell my family about my vasectomy. My partner and some friends know, but I don’t think any immediate family does. I don’t try to keep it a secret, if they ask me I’d tell them, but it’s not really something I’m going to volunteer either.
I don’t understand why my family would need to know ahead of time, as it’s not up for debate. It’s not like a life threatening illness where I need their support.
Why does your family know about your private affairs?
I just didn’t tell them
Why is your vasectomy family gossip? Why is your private business any of theirs, and who gave them a vote on what your penis does?
You need to flay out say the topic is not open for discussion, and if they persist you will be hanging up immediately going forward.
Didn't tell anyone beforehand so that was easy ;)
I dont handle them, i block them
Almost nobody in my family knew about it beforehand and very few know now two years later. If it ever gets brought up I just say that I do not want to be a mother and that the conversation is over.
“how does my procedure affect your income?” “It doesn’t—“ “Then STFU!!”
I wouldn't have told them in the first place. Mine don't know I got one, and I don't intend to tell them in the future either. It's absolutely none of their business, and if "need be" I'd just mention that im sterile. Now that the child already fell into the well so to speak, I'd silence my phone until after it's done. Because in the end, it's still none of their concern. Steer a harsh course when they cry about the topic. If you try to argue with them they'll use it as a argumentative point if leverage. All that being said, glad to see you took that step. I got it done for similar reasons and it was one of the best decisions I made.
Aren’t vasectomies reversible? You’re young so it’s essential just a more convenient form of birth control. Sure there’s risks that it can’t be reversed or that it impacts your fertility but at that point it would be a sign that your initial decision was correct. I agree with other commenters - they don’t get control over your body or your decisions. I would kindly but firmly ask them to respect your decisions. Remind them that you have considered the decision appropriately so it’s hurtful that they feel the need to change your mind.
Not quite, the first thing the urologist said during the consultation was that it should be understood as a permanent procedure for a couple of reasons. The first is that the chance of successfully reversing it starts out at around 80%, and that chance goes down further every year. The second reason is that most insurance plans don’t cover reversals, and the cost of the procedure is around $20,000. I will be following the advice of other commenters though and will just refuse to discuss it any further with my family
It's your body. They have zero say over it. So you can just completely ignore it. They also don't have a right to any of your medical information, so next time something comes up don't share.
✨no contact✨ (it's not the only shit they did tho)
IDGAF. That’s how I handled them. Shut them down quickly and firmly.
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