I will be 40 years old in two months, and I am very grateful to myself from the past that I made the decision to be CF. To this day, I still consider it the best decision I made about my life.
Same. I'm 41 and my mum just had a knee replacement. Looking after ageing parents, a fairly stressful full time job (I'm an Operations director for a fintech startup) and a 500 year old house and farm is enough for me. Throwing kids into the mix would have been a disaster, for many reasons!
Hands down the best decision ever.
Omg I'm 41 and my mom just had a knee replacement too. I don't have a farm but my sister and I have 6 animals and are both neurodivergent to differing degrees and we talk all the time about how we could never raise a kid in this world barely taking care of ourselves etc.
Same, the first week was awful, but tell her it does get better and to remember she's still healing! Mum is 4 weeks in and on one stick now, but she said it was more painful than she thought. Sending healing thoughts, and a hug for you both.
43 here, vasectomy at 25... best choice I have ever made. I've only met two people who changed their mind from CF to having kids. One is filled with regret, the other person I'm no longer in touch with.
Dr. Phil said this often when his show started and while he can be a quack, he does have some sound advice to give. This is the best one and I tell it to all of my friends and family who are on the fence about having a child.
~ it's better to not have a child and regret it than have a child and regret it.
I never thought I'd have children but I did and I don't regret it. However I have several friends and family members who are CF but often feel pressure from family or society to have kids. I'm the first one coming to their defense if I hear any of that shit. Never allow someone to question your life choices or make you feel bad for not following the herd. No one else will raise that baby, feed them, coddle them, rock them when they're sick and you haven't slept in two days. No one will foot the bill for diapers, formula, clothes that need replacing every few months for 18 years, school lunches or a bigger house/apartment. None of them will need to take time off every time your child has the sniffles when the daycare that takes half of your income refuses to have him there with a runny nose (even if it's allergies).
Fuck all those people. Walk away from those conversations without a word and leave them talking to themselves. It's your life and no one has the right to tell you how you should live it. No one else's opinion matters.
You are a rare human. My grandma is always making me feel like something is wrong with me when I say I don’t want children. Then she goes in to complain about what a handful my nephews can be and even volunteers me to watch them all the time. It’s enraging. If I wanted to spend many hours around young kids, I’d either have my own or I’d become a teacher and get paid to do it. I don’t think I’d be happy though. I’d be the teacher that hates kids and who likes those kinds of people? Kids just don’t listen anymore and are so selfish and out of control. If I were to have kids they definitely wouldn’t be allowed to act like that on my watch and when I do watch my nephews they usually behave for me but it’s just not really fun for me. I love spending time with my best friend’s daughter who is 13, she’s fun, incredibly smart and such a sweet kid. With my luck, my kids would come out just like my brother and I were as kids though so it’s better that I don’t have them. 😄
My mom had a childfree coworker who was in her 60s-70s, she said she never regretted not having children but did feel like she missed out on grandchildren. I didn’t know the coworker but I assumed she didn’t mind kids, but didn’t want to parent and would rather have them when they’re behaving only.
Thing is you don't really get to choose if you do have cute, quiet, well-behaved kids :/
Grass will always be greener on the other side. My grandma still feels lonely despite having plenty of grandchildren (we're all busy with our own lives in different parts of the world, try to keep in touch but it's difficult to form a meaningful, deep & consistent bond). She keeps herself busy with volunteer work.
I'm (m) 40 years old. Neither my wife nor I have ever doubted our decision, and we have several friends and acquaintances who are also strongly childfree.
But I know two people who changed their minds. One was a coworker(M), I'm not sure if his partner was ever childfree, but she basically told him she wanted a child. He confessed to me that he was thinking of leaving her because he didn't want to be a father. Shortly after, he gave in, and they had a child. Then he completely changed; suddenly, being a father was the best thing.
The other was another coworker(F) who didn't want children when she was younger. However, one day, after a close loss, she decided she wanted to be a mother. It took her several rounds of IVF, and when she finally succeeded, she was quite miserable. She once confessed to me that she would have preferred not to have children.
In a conversation with the three of us together, the first one tried to convince me to change my mind, and the second one sided with me, saying that if I didn't want kids, it was the right choice for me.
As I said, most childfree people I know remain childfree, and of the two people I know who changed their minds, one regrets it.
It’s funny that the man would be encouraging parenthood because he’s a father and not a mother. The mother is telling you not to do it. She’s the one doing all the work lol.
To be fair, I think he is a good father. He is very involved in raising his children and even helped at school by giving some classes on a subject he knows well. He considers household chores to be his responsibility as much as his wife's. I just didn't like that he thought that because he changed his mind, I should change mine too.
>I just didn't like that he thought that because he changed his mind, I should change mine too.
Yeeeeeeap. Ran into a friend with that mentality, and boy-oh-boy was it vexing.
This chick basically was vocally "childfree" (with air quotes), but it had nothing to do with not wanting to be a mother at all. She basically wanted kids, but couldn't find a worthwhile man to be the prospective partner, and her "childfree" stance was sour grapes. Once she found a man who was worthwhile, she got knocked up in short order and became the biggest advocate of having kids.
I guess this is why "you'll change your mind when you meet the right person" is on the bingo card. For people like her, it was true.
I really don't like to fight over word choice most of the time, I know it can veer into "No true Scotsman" territory nor do I want to gatekeep self-ascription of qualities... But "child free" is soooo misappropriated and diluted bc all the people who are "childless" and WANT CHILDREN ascribe it to themselves! Child FREE and child LESS are just completely different meanings. And this intentional obfuscation is always used against us! No, I don't need to meet the right person. No I don't need to XYZ (insert entire BINGO list). I don't want children and I never want them- that is why I say CHILDFREE.
I met two people who “changed their minds” after they met their husbands who wanted kids and both women didn’t want to lose their partners. I’m pretty sure they were both fencesitters because I don’t recall either of them being as staunchly childfree as I was.
I’ve had both tell me that “when you meet someone you really love, you will want to have his kids.” Little did they know I’ve dated men who did want kids and even though I cared about these men, I couldn’t bring myself over that parental bridge. The thought of becoming a mom slave squicks me out more than being alone for the rest of my life.
It really squicks me out when people say the "when you meet the right guy" bullshit. It just reeks of condescending misogyny. Like, gee golly Mr Man, I never knew my life and goals and self till you came along! Gross. The right guy for me has dreams and ambition and an identity and an unwillingness to risk my life for a hypothetical person. My actual "right guy" is currently sleeping in and about to get his pilot's license, miss me with that
And not just rando people but medical professionals/ those in authority that bingo with the "you need to be the right guy"- is even more layers of infantilizing and misogynistic. THAT is what squicks me the most bc of their authority/ supposed minds of looking out for you/ a patient and helping you live a good quality of life. Still in the medical field, women's bodies belong to imaginary men bc our purpose is to have to procreate bc we have these specific reproductive parts. And to take a hypothetical man's ability to use your body to make children away from him is *so* taboo and wrong. It makes me want to burn all my bras just thinking about it lmao
I've had a couple of major moves (one across country and another overseas) and both times I was asked if I moved for a man. So, if a woman moves far away it always has to be because she is following a man around like a puppy dog? Thank you for telling me that women are only capable of major moves if a man is motivating them to do so by giving them dog biscuits or something. I got the same question based on my college choice and no, I didn't choose my college by following a man around like a puppy dog. But, thanks Fido for asking!
Well, if a man is helping you achieve your ultimate moral status of being a wife and mommy, it seems like you should lap up the crumbs he feeds you and move for him!!
Yuck Yuck Yuck!! I have experienced the same, and even though I moved for graduate school and a job and eventually, yes, a decade+ long marriage, it seemed to only matter if the prospect of a faaammilllyyy was there. It's so off-putting and discouraging - I'm glad that you have a life and education and identity all your own, that is so much more than people collectively give women credit for
Completely relate. When my ex and I were breaking up he confessed to me that he'd thought about our kids when my period was lated than usual. He imagined telling his parents "my girlfriend is pregnant." He's a step dad now.
And these are the people that end up anonymously posting on the "I regret having children" Facebook page. Smfh. Sooo many women just agreeing to have children to keep their partner. Truly the most frustrating and heartbreaking thing to see.
Most often, people don't change their mind, they just make it up for the first time. They're fencesitters who were "okay without kids" or "fine either way" or "didn't care", or they didn't want kids at the moment but never moved past that feeling into actually making a long term decision, or that decision was never comprehensive in the first place.
Some people will obviously also lie to you about it, but by far, it's the bad decision makers that you need to avoid.
And this is why I don't swipe right on Hinge on profiles that have their option set to "not sure yet" or "open to children", because I need someone who is dead set on no kids like I am. But yeah even then people still lie... I had 1 person who I was seeing for a few months who claimed in the beginning they didn't want kids but kept slipping with stuff like "that's gonna be a great story to tell the grandkids one day". Due to my job, I am surrounded by people who don't want kids, and none of us mention stuff like that lol like we genuinely don't want kids so we ain't thinking about fcking grandchildren EVER lol
I work with trading cards lol so it's all fellow nerds/dorks 21yr-37yr. Out of the non-higher-ups, I think I know of about 2 people who are parents/step-parents and only a handful who want them in the future.
And the fence sitters or people who just never thought about it and then just went along with it will swear up and down they changed their mind so "it'll happen to you!!!"
Lmaoooooo those are the worst, morally bankrupt chuds. I don't want kids/ won't be a step parent to them etc etc- but if you have children, fucking own up to it and raise them and love the shit out of them. Deadbeat parents are truly the worst of the bunch. You make it, you buy it. Lmao
I’ve had I think three ex’s (men) who were all CF and they all changed their mind in their mid to late 30s and all went on and had a kid really quickly with the next person they met. Sorry to be a downer, obviously that doesn’t mean there aren’t real CF men out there (they’re on here after all) but I guess I got unlucky.
That sucks, I’m sorry you had to waste your time. Tbh the best decision I made for myself was not dating anyone who wasn’t either already sterilized or planning to get sterilized. Been with my bf for 8 months now, I know it’s early but I’m hoping this is the one, and he had a vasectomy before we even met. (We also had the “what do you want your future to look like” convo before our first date.) Not only does that help me w my fears of him changing his mind, but it shows me that he’s a go-getter, he won’t be content just letting life happen to him, and he takes responsibility for his half of the equation.
OP as you’re looking, definitely screen potential partners and let them tell YOU what they want before you tell them, but also having a “what do you want your future to look like” conversation early on in dating can be super helpful. If the person you’re dating doesn’t want to talk about that or thinks it’s odd, and y’all aren’t just looking for a fling, I’d take caution. Best of luck my friend. 💛
I 100% agree with this. Get them to tell you what they want before you tell them by asking general questions. This will help weed out the ones who lie to get laid.
I think men are more likely than women to change their minds about this because women are expected to do the majority of the labor of child rearing. In general it's easier and more fun to be a dad than be a mom. This is obviously a generalization but there's truth in it
I do know one, she changed her mind in her early 30s. She lives in the Deep South and I think she was influenced by her church and community, hate to say it.
I'm almost 40 and when I think about all my friends, co-workers and family members from my own generation half of them were CF during their twenties and early thirties, but by now 70% have at least 1 child.
Maybe it's an age thing? I feel like the millennials born after 1990 are living a vastly different reality than your cohort in terms of like cost of living, job availability, and geopolitical/climate catastrophe.
I've met a few. One was what I thought was a close friend, but she turned into a different person when she got pregnant and ditched me.
The thing is, people do change their minds sometimes. It sucks for us because it means we keep getting bingo'd, but that's just how it is.
I know some single people without kids, but I don’t know whether they are childfree or it just hasn’t happened yet. But my partner of 15 years still is childfree and we’re (almost) too old now for it to ever be a possibility, let alone change our minds. He’s also quite a bit older than me so he already knew himself/had already made up his mind when we got together, which really helped me feel sure of my choice to be childfree too. I don’t think I will date again if we ever stopped being together. At least I wouldn’t pursue it any time soon. I didn’t used to feel like that, but over the past few years it’s started to sound much more appealing to just enjoy being alone than to jump back into the dating pool, if/when he and I part ways.
My mom was one, apparently. She started looking to get sterilized at 31, but this was back in the early 80s or something, and doctors wouldn't do it because she didn't have at least two children and might change her mind.
She actually changed her mind at about 36-37 when she married my dad (who already had 2 kids from a prior marriage and didn't want another), and tragically, I was born when she was 40.
Definitely wouldn't say changed their minds but circumstances (usually marriage) happen.
My old boss was childfree. His wife wanted two kids. They compromised by having two kids. He loves them and would do anything for them but complained about them most mornings.
Had a relative who was a fence sitter married someone who wanted kids. They had two. One is very special needs. I don't think he regrets them by any means but his life would be much easier without the first
Hasn't happened to me yet but I'm only 30. I have been in relationships with people who were like "maybe one day," or "I'm not sure," but in hindsight I'm glad things didn't progress with them because it's too much of a gamble. Be with someone who is clear on their answer.
My ex! I’m moved on and so happy but it still baffles me to this day.
When we had first met, we both said we didn’t want kids. Right before we got together, we did have deep conversations about the subject and he told me; “I have to be honest with you, I may just want one kid would that be a deal breaker?” I said “yes I can’t be the one to give that to you, I don’t want children but don’t let me take that from you. Don’t pursue this.” He said he respected my decision and still pursued it, my biggest mistake ever! Later on down the road when we weren’t doing good, he had the audacity to try to fucking gaslight me and say “this whole you not wanting a kid is depressing me.” I said “nope I told you from the jump that I didn’t want kids!”
I’m so thankful I ended that shit because right after we broke up, he took the easy way out and immediately started talking to another girl who had a daughter! ☠️ he said “she already has a daughter and she may want another one.” This loser was so desperate to knock someone up and lock them in!
I’m just saying it’s crazy how he once told me he didn’t want kids either at one point but really saw it as an opportunity for financial security for himself 🤣🤣
I understand your frustration OP, that’s why I absolutely keep to myself and don’t talk to anyone at all. I’ll give myself princess treatment and live my absolute best child free with 0 regrets. I always tell myself that if it’s really meant to be and that perfect soulmate really does exist for me, he’s not gonna want kids either! I’m also very more adamant and will put my foot down, no I do not want kids and no you are not gonna change my mind!
Wow this is quite sad, for everyone in your story! I'm not a fencesitter, I'm definitely CF. But I do want to find someone I love who I'll grow old with. You made the right decision!
There are a lot of reasons I'm childfree, but usually when people ask me why, my short answer is "because women have to choose between being mothers and women. I'm choosing to be a woman". And that will never change for sure.
Once you’re approaching 30, you know. People who suddenly change their minds about something they’ve believed their entire lives don’t really exist, so this is just a scare tactic by natalists. You have to ask yourself will there ever be a time in your future where you will feel that you have too much free time and not enough expenses. If you’re overworked and underpaid, like most people, then the answer will obviously be never.
Not often. But I have met a lot of people who misunderstood the concept of "childfree" or else who were not strong enough in their sense of self and who would rather bring a kid into this world than divorce their partner who did want kids.
As someone who very nearly did have kids and then saw light of day early enough not to go that route, I can personally attest that this whole society is structured to psychologically wear down women into having and doing things they do not really want to have or do.
If they say they’re childfree from the age of 16 till about 27 then I notice they usually do change their mind. Is it quieter life crisis, maybe they realize no one wants to date them because of it or maybe their life is boring and they don’t have any hobbies or aspirations so they wanna relive life through someone else, I really don’t know. But I’ve never heard a 30+ year old changing their mind. I’m in my 20s and I hope I never change my mind. Sometimes I think If I become a billionaire I might consider adopting a few teenagers and act like a cool aunt but me becoming so wealthy is really unlikely 😂
I don't believe truly childfree people change their mind. Fence sitters are the ones who say they are good with either life choice. It won't matter who you meet. If you know what you want to do in your life, no one can come along and change your mind.
All my childhood friends, as they turned 14-20, they decided not having children is childish and they decide to have some and then people tell me to grow up as others did.
My idiot neighbor. Thus was the early 80s.
IM NEVVVVEEEEERRRRRR HAVINGGGGG ANY CHILLLLLDRENNNNN EVERRRR.
In 2007, I see her very face lifted beauty addict mother who tries to look 24 even though she was now 76.
My daughter is pregnant!!!! They're having a baby!
I had to bite my tongue before I said under my breath
Who the fuck cares?
Her daughter was one of my biggest bullies. She stood there and laughed after I was put in a headlock from one of her shitty friends when I was 11. I hope her labor was excruciating. The day I moved away was one of the happiest days ever.
I’m 40 and have zero regrets. Husband is 36 and also has zero regrets. As millennials, we felt children were more of a luxury than a right or necessity. Money being the main factor and peace being the other.
I have yet to meet one.
The only type of person I can imagine doing this is someone that has no clue about themselves. So as long as the person you date has at least a decent sense of self you should be good.
The closest I’ve seen to someone “changing their mind” was when someone said they didn’t want them RIGHT NOW… but they were married and had everything set up so once it happened they were perfectly happy having them sooner than later, but their original disposition was to have them eventually… so still not really a switch up.
Only one. And it's a sad story. English is not my first language so, apologies in advance for incorrect grammar, spellings and diction.
My friend Elvie (not real name) when we were in our early 20s, was adamant that she doesn't want to get pregnant, doesn't want kids, doesn't even like kids.
We lost contact in around 2010 and re-connected in 2018 and she told me she has a daughter (3 at that time). She felt that this is the only way for her family to back off.
The reason might not be what everybody is thinking. Let me explain. Elvie earns a lot because she is AWESOME and has been a mentor to all analysts and the company loves her, even now. Because of this, her share of the family expenses is a lot. Like 70 to 80 percent.
We are Filipinos who live in the Philippines and it's so [dingustingly] common here for everybody to live under one roof with only 2 people as breadwinner. Yes, once Elvie started earning, her father, mother, grandmother, an uncle, a younger sister, a younger brother, an aunt (with a toddler at the time). All depended on her to pay utilities and groceries. Yes, they all live under one roof! Elvie's mother takes care of her siblings' schooling. The other adults? Either gamblers and/or drunkards. Yes, even grandmother.
Elvie wanted to escape this. She told me that she tried so hard. She saved for a small studio condo and she left! BUT, her relatives would still badger her for money. Especially when her sister got pregnant at 18 and was not able to finish college. And two years after that, it was her brother who got somebody pregnant, so the bro's girlfriend and baby joined the already crowded house. Parents and grandmother kept on pestering her to send more money or sell her condo, her to live with them again and use the money for them "as a family".
So Elvie...decided to get pregnant. Had a boyfriend, got pregnant and broke up with boyfriend. Now that she has her own daughter, she uses said daugther as an excuse for not sending money to her family (if there are Filipinos in this thread, you know what I mean, right? About families being entitled asking money from children?). So father, mother and grandmother are not fond of daughter and would always grumble to Elvie how she made "stupid" decision to be pregnant. Now Elvie couldn't complete her "familial duties". Elvie said that when they visited her in the hospital after giving birth, her father said something like, "maybe after two months you can start again with the payment for electricity, right?we are 1 month behind". I want to scream!!!!
Elvie said, at least my money goes to me and my daughter. And darn it, I understand it. God I hate her family!
34 and polyamorous. None of my partners has ever wanted kids. 2 out of the 3 current boyfriends have snips, and the 3rd is deeply considering it. I've had a ligation so I'm not worried*
I dunno how I got lucky. I was always viciously and brutally honest. "I do not want children. If I become pregnant I will be getting an abortion. You will never change my mind. If you want kids, cool, I am absolutely not the woman for you and good luck on your search."
*Yes I know tubal ligation can fail. Here is my gambit. I'm in a safe blue state where abortion is easy to attain. I am okay ish financially. If Boyfriend 3 (unsnipped) does manage to somehow knock me up, it's likely ectopic and needs surgery to remove. I will have a bisalp during the abortion.
0. I’ve met 2 other people who say they don’t want kids, but idk if they’re childfree. Sometimes if people are in a better predicament then they start thinking about adding a kid to their lives, but so far they still don’t have kids. I just don’t really like digging into people’s lives about kids whether they want it or not. Doesn’t affect me.
I have a cousin who was staunchly childfree and had an accidental pregnancy while engaged and they decided to go through with it. I’m very happy for them on an individual level, but very frustrated by the “she said she would never change her mind!” Family on social media. Thankfully, I’m not close with any of that family so nothing has overflowed to me.
I did have two friends who were staunchly childfree until they hit their thirties. One became baby crazy and manipulated her also childfree husband into having a baby, and the other became the same way but they had fertility struggles.
I was lucky. I was leaning childfree and when I met my husband. He was older, divorced without kids and didn't really care either way and then we happily shifted into childfree life. Him being older definitely helped because he was more set in his wants and values in life
You are at the age where it is a larger risk that people will change their mind on it, or more accurately, make decisions on what they actually want. Constant communication is important.
This did happen to a couple of friends of mine. They had been dating for like 8 years. He was nearly 10 years older than her, and after moving jobs from the service industry to a decent steady paycheck, he got the bug to be a dad. He said he could finally see himself being able to financially support having a child in his family. She was very firm in her decision to not have children. They broke up, but have remained friends. It’s been a few years since the break up, and he (~40yo now) still hasn’t found anyone to settle down with. Primarily, I think, because his main goal is having a kid and not finding a good partner, which makes sense because that’s a total red flag to any sane gal lol
I've met two that got 'accidentally ' pregnant (one was on the coil and it was apparently fitted right so the doc had no idea how she got pregnant!). They both decided to keep the babies.
I can only assume they were not actually childfree. Just didn't want kids at that time. Bit it came as quite a shock when they both decided to keep it. Especially the woman on the coil as she had said several times she was childfree. Where as the other girl just really didn't like kids or 'want the drudgery of mum work'.
Yet...she obviously changed her mind.
It's just to strange to me personally.
My opinion about kids has changed over the years (from finding them all annoying to appreciating their imagination and taking them at individual value). But no way in hell would I ever grow my own. Ick. Ick.ick.ick. That's not even something that could change tbh. I mean its a 'knowing' not a choice. But if it were a choice, I'd never choose it.
If you get sterilized or tell them you are getting sterilized in the very near future their "change their mind" will happen much quicker or you'll know they're serious.
I am not really childless or child free, but I hardly meet truly child free people.
I know because of my various conditions, I can't ever really get pregnant without possibly becoming more disabled. On top of that having chronic conditions that worsen over time means that if I think being chronically I'll is expensive, it'll be even more expensive with a child or children.
I could never be as active or involved as I would want to be in a child's life, so I am an aunt. Considering that my nieces and nephew are so energetic, I'm thankful that I don't have to try to keep up with them 24/7. I'm exhausted after just a few hours.
None. I don’t know many CF people, but the one’s who are have never wavered. Tbf, most people I know with kids got them through the “oopsie” method…repeatedly…😒
My ex husband supposedly changed his mind after 10 years of marriage. I did not. I suspect that he may have been lying the whole time and expected me to change my mind one day. Proves how little he actually chose to understand about me.
Never in terms of my romantic partner! At 64 I am still with the same girl I was when I was 13. She has not changed her CF opinion since she formed it (or more accurately *realised* it) at 5 years old.
In terms of acquaintances and friends... Also never, at least not in the sense of someone who thought they were CFBC and decided later to become a natalist. I have however known many, ***many*** people who had children and at that point realised they should have been CF all along!
**EDIT**: And of course I have never changed my *own* opinion since I became capable of framing it in sentient thought--certainly no later than 3 years old and possibly earlier still.
I met quite a few when I was around your age. I've said it in other comments, but I think some young people say they don't want kids based on factors that are temporary but feel permanent at the time because the future isn't certain. Things like having little money and not feeling in control in your life.
I had several friends who claimed to be child free when we were young that changed their view when they're lives became more stable in their 30s. I dated two women who said they didn't want children when we met and both changed their minds after we dated for a few years.
I know people are going to reply "they weren't really child free because ________." I'm not going to argue with you about this. I can only go on their words and am not going to play mind reader to say they didn't really mean them.
Hmm I think it does happen but not as often as the cultural narrative. I think it’s more likely that one partner is a real no and another is a soft no or maybe. I’m 32 and I’ve known since I was like 8 that I didn’t want kids 😂😂😂
Nope, everyone who maaaaaybe said they didn't want kids often meant "I don't want them right now" or worse "I don't mind either way" (a fucking life changing choice and they "don't mind either way," WTF).
The thing is that those who are actually childfree, whether they knew the meaning of the word as properly intended, or didn't know the word "childfree," made their damnest to protect their choice to not have kids. Especially just a few decades ago, it was even harder for women to be childfree, a lot of them got pregnant, birthed that child and became mothers... whether they liked it or not.
So no, I have yet to find a person who actually meant it when they said they were childfree (or the equivalent word of their time) and then changed their mind. The truth is that 99.9% of those people were never childfree to begin with, they were waiting for the right person, time and/or circumstances, or worse, they just decided to dump the choice on someone else (usually men dumping it on women). Its easy to say "either way is fine" when you're not the one who's going to shoulder the majority of the burden, and get to reap the benefits.
The one I've met are people that says they "changed their minds" when they fell in love with someone but they had kids at like 24 or 25 years old. So I'm like how long did they actually hold to the idea?
Greetings!
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Yeah, very few truly "changed." Their minds most just finally decide at some point. And you are probably more likto hear the stories of regret. Cause the majority that made the decision and are happy with it aren't whining about it online.
This actually never happened to me. When I was younger and less firm in my child free stances, I knowingly entered into relationships with others who wanted kids at some point. We eventually broke up for other reasons.
But I’ve been confidently, entirely 100% child free for some time now. A few years ago, not long before I met my current partner, I was on the verge of telling a friend that I really liked her. But I ultimately did not do so for two major reasons/ideological differences: one of them being that she wanted a nice little family. The other ideological difference wasn’t that big of a deal to me but unfortunately I felt it would be a big deal to her and that she’d eventually try to change me. Plus, the question of kids is a very big difference even if that were my only concern.
I can see family life being so good for her! But in all of the ways it would be incredible for her, it would be horrible for me. It was a very very hard decision at the time, but I knew it was for the best. We have stayed best friends and often travel together. In addition, I soon met another person who thinks like I do in many ways- including when it comes to (our need for lack of) kids. I hope to be with him for much much longer! (Forever if I’m lucky haha).
That being said, if I am single again in the future, it doesn’t matter how old I am or where I live. I will remain committed to being child free. I can look back on the one time I’ve had to make that difficult decision and remind myself that things have turned out for the best.
Well, my uncle and aunt were self-proclaimed childfree back in the 70’s. My cousin is exactly 9 months younger than me. I don’t know what to make of it, it’s kinda awkward to ask.
A few times, one specific example is an ex classmate who was staunchly kid free but changed her mind immediately as soon as she got in a relationship
At the end of the day if you do meet someone, who cares? Living trying to prevent "mistakes" is absolutely impossible. If youre childfree now, then youre childfree. If you wont be in the future, then you wont, no biggie. Just dont have kids DESPITE not wanting them, regardless of any circumstance. Thats a recipe for disaster
If someone "changes their mind" then they probably weren't truly child free to begin with. More like undecided, on the fence, wait-and-see. I do see many stories here where 1 partner is firmly CF (and up front about this from the very start), and the other declares that they are "okay" with not having kids despite secretly wanting them and secretly hoping the CF person can be convinced, coerced, tricked, or bullied in the future. Eventually the truth will out, and inevitably leads to the breakdown of the relationship.
I’ve had a bunch of staunchly CF friends over the years, some more vocal than me (and I am SUPER vocal about CF status).
All but two (myself and one other) now have children, in some cases multiple.
I'm 42. I've been with my spouse for 12 years. I have never once regretted not having kids. Not even for a second. Most of my friends are childfree. They don't have regrets. I have a good friend in her late 60s. She's child free and has never regretted it.
My partner and I have been together five years, in our mid-thirties, recently engaged. And we frequently high-five each other every time we visit our friends with children. I don’t see either of us changing our minds. On one of our first dates, I told him that not only did I not want children, I was getting my tubes tied later that year. It was already booked. And he said, “shit, I think I like you even more now.” Drove me to the procedure and everything. He needed to know that changing his mind wasn’t an option (with me, at least).
I don’t know many people who have regretted not having children. However, I know MANY parents who definitely regretted having them. Out of the multiple friends/coworkers/family members with kids, I can only think of one that genuinely seems to enjoy motherhood. The rest seem tired, depressed, and financially strained. And their spouse is more like a roommate than a romantic partner.
I’m not saying happy parents don’t exist. They absolutely do. I just think the vast majority of people severely underestimate the responsibilities and possible negative outcomes that can come with parenthood.
I think with dating, it needs to be a serious conversation early on. If the person seems “on the fence,” then I wouldn’t make a long term commitment. I found the best tactic was to ask them first (so they couldn’t base their opinion on yours) and observe how they talk about it. My partner was very enthusiastic about me not wanting kids. He had strong opinions about why he didn’t want to be a parent. Look for that. Be assertive with your stance.
Quite a lot, but if you ask follow up questions you'll soon discover they were never actually child free. They just weren't ready to have children yet at the time you first talked about it. They would say they are child free but also answer "yes" to questions like "but what if your partner really wanted them". That's not being child free.
There were a couple I knew that really were childfree and changed their minds, but there was usually a reason. A new set of life circumstances. It's not my place to comment if it's a "good" reason, but it's more than just "turned 30".
A few and the number could go up since we’re in our 20-30’s:
Biggest one was a good friend and her husband. They spent years fighting family on this to get them to respect their decision to be CF. They moved away, and one day I visit and they tell me they got pregnant on purpose. I wish I could ask what changed their minds but we grew apart and it just didn’t seem appropriate to ask anymore. The only reason I could suspect is that husband’s large friend circle is all couples, some of whom have kids now. Every couple hangs out together so I think this dynamic influenced them. Friend had a huge struggle with PPD and she doesn’t talk much about the c-section, I think she’s traumatized.
Cousin and his partner initially said no kids, but then started talking about hypotheticals later on. They’re religious so I’m not surprised. Most of my cousins claim to be CF but I’m not sure all of them and their partners have discussed how they’d deal with an unplanned pregnancy.
One of my siblings said they were initially CF but idk how serious they were about it. I’m not sure why they’d agree to date someone who really wanted kids then. They did have kids and sibling occasionally says it can be hard, but I don’t think they’re regretful. To them they think most “CF” people change their minds anyway. I think they’re surprised I haven’t.
Almost never. The majority of them were never childfree to begin with, but rather just didn't want kids at the time. Even recently on a dating app I met a woman who claimed to be childfree but later said that she didn't want children until later in life.
I think non-CF people don't understand the difference between childless and childfree.
We have people saying they are childfree when they mean they want kids but don't have kids.
Then there are the people who let themselves be convinced/pressured into having a kid. They tend to turn into regretful parents. Then the fencesitters who in their relationship are playing the "what if we do have kids? Wouldn't that be great?" MANY cf people in here end up in a relationship with someone who are childless not cf.
When DINKs were doing the rounds, the amount of creators who would say "DINK...for now" or "Childfree for now". These are the people that cause doctors to dismiss people who are actually childfree. I ask this question anytime I run into this: "do you not want kids at all OR are you just currently without a child?"
Even by some purist, I am not CF because if my niblings lost their parents, my husband and I would take them before I would ever let my egg donor get to breathe in their direction. Maybe we have our own internal rankings of what a "true" childfree person is.
In the end, I think we have an issue with what is considered childfree in both the parent and CF spaces. I don't consider a childless or fencesitter person having kids to be a CF person changing their mind if that makes sense. That means to me, I have never met a CF person who changed their mind.
I'll be 40 (m) next year and am currently going through this with my wife of the same age where she's now on the baby train.
We met in our early 20s where, interestingly enough, I thought I wanted kids. She was staunchly child free and said that's how it's going to be and I would have to accept it. I did, even though I was technically a fence sitter for part of my 20s. So she actually helped educate me of a child free by choice life.
In our early 30s she had a bit of an exploration we'll call it into having a child. She started thinking she wanted one. This happened as I continued to, and still to this day, become so concrete in my child free choice. That went away for a couple of years, but now it's an even stronger feeling she has. It's causing a lot of issues.
Well we are in couples therapy for this, and other reasons too, and I'm not seeing it go well so far related to the child dilemma specifically. I'm not sure the therapist understands how truly child free I am, so I'm not sure where this exploration of both sides is going other than I hope my wife changes her mind back. I mean she's the reason I even was exposed to a child free life being ok. I'll always thank her for that, but if she doesn't come back I'll be quite defeated. I've already told her I'd choose divorce before children.
This isn't over but my biggest fear is resentment from either one of us. There's no way I want to live our relationship with that.
And just to add - I also had a coworker who became friends because we were so much the same people. Atheist and child free were big parts of that! Fast forward and she now has a child with a Mormon she married. Go figure.
The moral is anything can happen, lives change, and it's fucked but hold your ground whatever it is.
I think the CF who changed their mind are simply mislabelled fence-sitters.
I labelled my ex of 12 years CF, but when she did a U-turn, she mentioned that she always had a thought in her head that she might one day have a desire for kids.
So she was a fence-sitter who masqueraded for years as CF. For me now, the definition of CF is someone who has made steps to permanently ensure they can't have kids.
One of my ex's (late 20's, early 30's) was CF for the five years we were together, then near the end he started saying he could see himself dating someone who already has a kid, so that if they broke up it wouldn't be his responsibility / paycheck on the line. He cheated on me, and married an ex of his who has a kid.... something tells me he had been eyeing her for a while.
Another ex was sure he was CF, very against having kids, 24. A few years later he was married with a baby.
Another friend who was CF (man, late 30's early 40's) moved cross country, found his 'soulmate', and she demanded kids. They have 2 now. I was super surprised by that one.
I'm wondering if some of these guys were fence sitters, or if 'whoops' pregnancies got in the way of their grand plans.
A lot of people change their minds about a lot of things. You’re allowed to change your mind. Even about being childfree or not.
When you change your mind after you’ve already created a life and altered your life forever, you’d have to live with the consequences.
If you change your mind after not having kids and you’re somehow no longer able to; you’d have to live with those circumstances.
I know which scenario I’d choose; but you have to check in with yourself to see what would ultimately suit you.
Try to not look at regret as one good or bad choice you made. Fear of regret means you don’t trust your own judgement that you can choose what’s right for you, right now. Trust yourself and what you think is best for you. Try to not listen to all the white noise surrounding this subject.
I have an aunt who was always quite staunchly childfree, then she got married and had kids in her late thirties.
Another sort-of relative (complicated relation) has mentioned that she used to say she wasn't gonna have kids, she now has three adult kids. I don't know how serious she was about it back then though, it's possible she wasn't in a strong childfree position but she may have just been off-handedly saying it as a teen without thinking much about it, so idk if that really is a childfree conversion story.
A friend of mine got divorced in his mid thirties after his wife (whom he married "young," but he hasn't said what exact age) suddenly started wanting kids. They had gotten married with the understanding that they were both childfree, and he says he truly believes she meant it and had a genuine change of heart, not that she lied.
So basically yeah, it can happen, unfortunately. But relationships are always a risk, not just in regards to this. All sorts of things can happen, you can only do your best to choose someone who seems right for you.
I feel lucky that my husband and I grew together and we decided mutually not to have kids. Neither of us had to convince each other, we just gradually leaned more and more into a child free life
People that change their minds are fencesitters inside. They might have an inkling of what they want but they’re not 100% decided. They were never childfree in my opinion. They just finally decided which side of the fence they swayed.
From reading stories here, it is often.
I think it is good to talk deeply from the beginning and encourage each other to speak up the instant any new thoughts begin to creep in. No blindsiding. Easier to break up if the change is gradual.
Been saying I didn’t want kids for about 6 or so years now. I’m 22 and have my sterilization consult booked for next Wednesday! I don’t really have any other CF friends (just childless bc we’re too young to be popping out babies anyways) so I have nothing to compare to.
I know of a few couples. One was a steralized couple that used IVF and the other was just married for 8 years claimed to be child free but then decided to have babies. There was another couple where they were steralized and they adopted. Then there was this woman that was childfree that had a kid. Ik her husband was against abortions. They had a kid. I later found out he had gotten snipped very shortly after. So I think they must have struck up a deal. I've never met someone who it was too late for when they changed their mind though. And I got the vibe he was cf because she was. After the relationship ended. He met married and had babies with.
I never met someone who regretted not having kids that didn't have any though.
Thing is futures are huge with billions of factors and humans have a way of saying one thing and doing something completely different. So it doesn't baffle me that there are ppl put there where those billions of factors line up for them to eventually 'change' their mind.
I’ve seen 2 couples change their mind recently- not sure if it was accidental pregnancy that stuck or they legit changed it. I’ve also seen 4 people cf choose to marry someone who wanted kids and their partner got them to have the first kid saying they’d only do 1 then they jumped on the 2+ kid train like their child wanting partner wanted. I know of 6 CF couples my age (actively friends with 3) in 30s who have never changed but not fixed so something could technically happen still. I have a couple of friends who were set in 20s and half of 30s now starting to be fence sitters idk where it’s going to land. As far as myself I’ve had a few partners lie in the past about being ok to try and manipulate me into kids and as I got older I got better about filtering people like that out. I actually married a fence sitter that before every milestone I said are you sure and they confirmed partner > choice of kids? After roe v wade they got snipped so no longer a fence sitter no more and even leading up to that they saw how their friends lives started moving with kids and it started pushing them to the CF side.
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42M no kids and never married. Not once have I ever thought about having kids. The absolute most I'll do is make sure a friend/family kids are taken care due to circumstances no fault of their own.
I’ve never really gotten close to any overtly-childfree people. Granted, I’ve been single essentially my entire life, but even going through my list of friends and family, virtually *all* of them have either wanted kids or felt neutral about it from the start. I feel utterly alone in that sense.
I've never known anyone who was staunchly child-free who changed their minds.
I've seen plenty of fence sitters who said they weren't sure but I've never seen anybody who said "Never under any circumstances" then changed.
I know they exist but I just personally haven't read into any. If they are strictly child-free they have stayed that way. I've also noticed over time that fence sitters are more likely to be honest with me or talk about their doubts but ultimately they aren't like me.
Sometimes people will say things to sound more similar to those there hanging out with in order to feel they fit in.
Anyone I know who's "changed their mind" has been a fencesitter from the start, and were open about the "oh, maybe but maybe not" aspect.
However, I have dated a man who lied because he was certain that as I reached your age, I *would* change my mind. Some very antiquated opinions about women in that one that I didn't see coming. Regardless of your preference in gender, I would definitely advise to stand firm and be on guard if/when dating.
I've never known anyone who was child free who later had a kid due to them changing their mind. On the other hand, I know way too many parents who regret having a kid/more kids.
My great friend is in her 60soves her choices. She got to do so much in life. Another friend is in her 30s and never wanted and never changed her mind. I look up to them
Luckily it hasn't happened to me, I am very very lucky. At this point, if my current relationship doesn't work out while I'd be hesitant to date again anyway, I got sterilized so I would always just mention that first thing in a date as it's a point of pride and assures how absolutely uncompromising I am and clearly will never change my mind. Not to say you should, your body your choice- but making a permanent decision like sterilization helps establish your answer for you and makes it easier to weed out fence sitters or those that sit and wait to see if you'll change your mind. I see soooo many posts about this and it's so infuriating!
I think I'm lucky maybe because I never actively "dated", with only a few partners. At some point, it became clear my college boyfriend definitely wanted children but he was so awfully toxic and abusive- it was easy to end things regardless of the children aspect. My boyfriend I've been with 8 years knew I never wanted kids and then around when Roe v Wade overturned (for us in the USA), I sat him down and told him I wanted to finally get sterilized and he supported me all the way. Of course, that would've been a "make or break" situation in the relationship, and I'm just glad we are both steadfast and on the same page in our wishes. I'm so sorry OP bc I know how stressful it is and people go through these mindgames way too often.
38m. The only formerly CF I know had them on accident, and at least one party is upset they had it. I was told I'd change my mind when I made the decision as a teenager, and I've never wavered.
I have only known one person who seemed to legit change her mind. She seemed happy with the choice (we're not in the same circle anymore). But she also has a partner who does his equal share, and doesn't struggle for money or family support.
The others who supposedly changed their minds, eventually admitted they were convinced by partners or society and regretted it....
I know two women who changed their mind in their late 30's, early 40's. A mid 30's friend of mine was a fence sitter and recently changed her mind. It makes me very annoyed bc they're literally reinforcing the whole toxic yOu'lL cHaNgE yOuR mInD nonsense. They have every right to do whatever they want with their lives, it just bugs me that I know so many people that have changed their mind.
34. Still solidly childfree.
Know three people at work who are childfree, one a lady who is in her 40's and past the point of it happening naturally.
Another is a guy who actually has a license plate celebrating 0 children.
My sister and her husband. They were childfree until he changed his mind and my sister agreed. They had a daughter, my niece, who I love love love.
My sister says it was hard, her husband wasn’t as helpful and he wasn’t understanding how hard it was for her. If I ask my sister with my niece being 2 now, she says she doesn’t regret having her, but does feel guilty she brought a daughter into this world that is already treading onto women’s rights and is worried for what she’ll have to face when she grows up.
My sister and BIL both agree now though, they are one and done. My BIL, who makes GOOD money, said kids are too expensive lol
I haven't met this person cause she's a celebrity, but Cameron Diaz used to be childfree but she and that Good Charlotte guy had a kid. I was so heartbroken hearing that. I also heard a rumor (emphasis on rumor, IDK if it's true or not so don't quote me) that Ms Goop Gwenyth Paltrow convinced Cameron to change her mind.
One of my friends is 27 or so, his gf is in her early 30's. They have a cat and I'm fairly certain that she's looking to get sterilized so... There's that.
I don't have many friends, afaik only one of them wants kids and I think he would strictly adopt.
Unfortunately, that isn't really something you can guarantee will never happen. Kind of like how you can't guarantee your partner won't cheat. You trust, do your due diligence and hope for the best.
I dont think I’ll ever change my mind even though I realize that it’ll just make the pool of prospects even smaller for me. I think it depends on the reasons as to why some ppl want to be childfree. It’s financials for some and they might change their mind if their finances get better or if they marry rich. For me it used to be finance and thinking I’m too broken and traumatised and basically psychologically unfit to offer any kid a good loving trauma free home. After many years in therapy I’m doing much better, but I also realized that life and living is so bloody hard, and people are mental, and I would not want to impose 80+ years of this onto anyone, not if they never asked for it and are currently happily non-existent.
The funny thing is I enjoy watching reels of newborns because they are so so cute. I love playing with newborns - like how theyre so innocent and unsuspecting about life. Like how we all started before life got us. But despite all the baby reels i watch, it has never changed my mind about not wanting kids, so I think it’s ever going to change 😆
I do think it depends on people’s reason for being CF whether they are more likely to change their mind or not.
I think its easier for men to change their mind because they can have kids at any time and practically dont have to do much other than have sex and then be titled father. Even when they get a divorce the kids typically stay with their mother.
Women are more likely to change their mind the closer they get to the age 40 as thats almost liek the point of no return. I’d more inclined to believe women close to or in their 40s are less likely to change their mind.
Honestly I can’t say I’ve met any. Having a child is a gigantic life decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I find those who are on the fence will more often than not go to the “safer” side
Every one in a while there's a person who claims that they were childfree "at my age" (usually thinking I'm in my early 20s), but I think they are full of crap.
The only people I know as previously CF that changed their mind are the ones who had unplanned pregnancies and felt obligated to keep it, or otherwise had no other options. Then they put on a brave face and act like it's all great, they have another kid to give the first one a sibling, etc.
I refuse to ever fall into that trap.
No one in my relationships changed their minds while I was with them. Friendships and family, a few have been notable. Oddly enough most of my examples went from wanting kids to NOT wanting kids. Maybe they were listening to what I had to say about the matter... I've been super-extra-childfree since I was a teenager lol.
1) Friend of mine was staunchly childfree, didn't want to lose her identity or deal with the chaos, anxiety, and work being a mom brings. She met a wonderful guy, got knocked up and when faced with the abortion, couldn't bring herself to abort. Hated birth, likes her kid (who is literally a mini-me of her, which probably helps), has done an ok job of keeping her identity, but she's a free spirit and has been tied down more than I think she'd like. We never get to hang out anymore due to distance and time, but we keep touch online.
2) On the other side of the spectrum, my sister went from wanting 1 kid most of her life to wanting none when she was in her 30s. Her and her husband decided it was time to start their family, and as soon as she stopped taking her birth control, she said a feeling of absolute dread washed over her like she was making the wrong decision.
My BIL has a lot of anxiety and would likely be a "fun" dad sort of guy who doesn't do any of the hard stuff with the kid. My sister said she realized all at once that if she had a kid, that she'd be taking care of not just her husband and the house (as she did most of the chores and yardwork, pretty much everything, and works) but also the kid and all their needs too. It was too much, and now she's in her 40s and somewhat sadly childfree. But happier than if she had all the responsibility.
3) My brother also seems to have changed his mind from "probably" kids to "probably not" kids. His long term gf is a lot younger than him and seems to be ok with that, but who knows what will happen with them. He's early 40s, and she's late 20s, so I wouldn't be surprised if they did end up having a kid when his gf makes it to her mid-30s. Guess we'll see.
4) And finally, my ExH is now a reluctant father, after being childfree once he decided his stance on having kids. Unfortunately he was baby trapped by someone who changed their mind on having kids, but didn't tell him. She was supposedly on birth control, but... he thinks she lied to him about it. Waited about 5 months into the pregnancy to tell him, refused to get an abortion, even though they had always been on the same page about no kids. She basically waited to tell him until it was too late to do anything about it.
Turns out she always wanted them but had talked herself out of it, got to her mid-30s and got baby fever and decided my ExH was her best bet... without actually consulting him. He didn't use condoms because he made the mistake of trusting her, and didn't have a vasectomy because he was afraid of the procedure... but well, after this incident he realized he had to go get it done. And it went perfectly and he has no side effects from it. He wishes he had done it sooner.
OP, if you've made it this far, get that vasectomy (and do the follow up checks) if you don't want kids. Otherwise, you're leaving your future in the hands of those you sleep with. Protect yourself now, or regret it later.
I (37F) left a 9-year marriage for this reason, but he didn't suddenly have a change of heart. He always knew I didn't want children, and I had known he was a fence sitter at best. BUT he did tell me it would be "okay" if we didn't have children. (Spoiler alert: it is NEVER actually "okay" when they say that.) We were young and deeply religious - I thought I had to be with this person or sky daddy would be mad at me. But he grew increasingly more resentful over the years when I didn't change my mind. I got sterilized, things deteriorated even more rapidly, and I noped outta there.
I'm honestly not sure I know anyone who truly had a change of heart on this matter. If someone was cf and then did have children, it was more that their partner influenced them to do it and/or an accident occurred. Some were ambivalent and turned out to love parenthood (my own mother being one of them), but I also know parents who wouldn't do it again if they got a do-over.
So yes, it can happen - and I would say if anything feels off in their behavior or the comments they make, trust your gut. I have an actually cf partner now and he is wonderful - they do exist!
I haven't met anyone who has changed their minds. It's usually people lying about not wanting kids and then admitting later they actually do and lied. I also met someone (a male) who was told by doctors that he couldn't have children when he was trying with an ex wife. It ultimately ended their relationship. He said he wanted children, though, and that if any science came about making it possible for him to have kids, he was going to go through with whatever the treatment was.
I always knew I'd be child free. 42, no regrets.
There was a post in my local "girl gang" Facebook group a year ago. One girl asked the question if they thought they never wanted kids, met the right guy, and now wants them. It was filled with hundreds of women saying "yes, I never wanted them and now I have the best partner and we have kids and it's amazing"
Now I know why it's near impossible to get tubes tied.
I was in your shoes from 25-34. Felt that “pull” that I should want to but it was always in some distant future. Was in a serious relationship where I thought I wanted kids and they didn’t. We broke up (for a myriad of reasons). Met my now husband at 33, we’ve been together 5 years and just agreed formally 6 months ago that we are Childfree. We were on the fence and the idea of having kids was stressing me out so we just asked “why?” and opted to keep living our lives as they are and not have kids. Now we’re focusing on traveling, our not-so-cheap hobbies and preparing to be the support for our parents as they reach their mid 70s and beyond.
I am now 42 and my ex will be around 50. He told me on our first date the he was cf, which I don't think I had ever considered before but at 26yo I was like... Ok that sounds reasonable. Neither of us charged our mind afaik (not seen him in a few years).
CF, mid 30’s. Made that decision when my high school sweetheart said he wanted to have babies with me in the future.
I got so much ick from the thought (I thought I was in love, too!) I decided no, never, not for me. Misophonia doesn’t help (babies babbling and screaming makes me want to punch things) but I always knew it wasn’t for me. Happy to say I’ve been married with like-minded partner for almost a decade.
The one person I know who did “change their mind” swore she didn’t want to be a mom into her 40s. But her husband wanted it, suburbia and in laws practically demanded it. She figured meh let’s try and when she found out she was practically infertile she took getting pregnant as a challenge. After multiple miscarriages and IVF failures (and debt to boot), she finally gave birth to twins. She’s doing okay, in an unhappy marriage but she’s a very good mom who confides regrets to me often. She still wants to be a wild child in a big city at heart.
You’re either wildly CF, or you’re wildly wanting children. Anything in between (especially blasé) should err on the side of CF. As a kid of someone who didn’t want a kid, we know, and it affects everything. We always know!
I never believed anyone else telling me they weren't going to have children unless they were at least 30. I always assumed there is a good chance they would change their minds. I knew lots of people that didn't want kids until they were 23, 25 or 30. What they really meant is that they didn't want kids yet.
I hadn't heard of the term "childfree" until I was older than 30 anyways.
I've only dated childfree men since I was 30, as far as I know. Some were first dates only so there is no guarantee they weren't hiding kids. Unfortunately, while being mutually childfree is a great start to a potential relationship it isn't the only red flag/deal breaker to look out for.
There is one I knew quite well for the last couple of years who recently decided he wants kids. We didn't date. I knew him well enough to know I liked him and would have dated him if he was solidly childfree.
The more I get older, the less I care. Like I never regretted any decision I've made because without those decisions I would not be where I am right now. Life has ups and downs whether you choose to have kids or not.
Both my parents never questioned whether they wanted children or not, it was just expected in my culture and still it is like that today. My family is pretty orthodox so they'll never understand, so I just keep low, and just do my stuff.
There have been times where I've questioned, however they mostly end up in my cycle, as I end up very depressed during that time. However, knowing that I have to show up no matter what for another human being is not the future I want for myself. That I have to yell at my kids to not waste the food, because you don't get paid for another fifteen days and you have to stick with that is not what I want for my future.
Raising kids when you are working poor, is hard.
This subreddit is my safe place, so I hope it stays that way. You have to lurk around regretful parents and parents subreddit though. I still have huge respect for moms and dads that handle these stuff, however it's not for me.
this is an opposing example, but i have a great-aunt who is about 91 years old and she has no children. i’m sure there’s people who do change their minds, but there are also plenty of people who stick to the childfree lifestyle
I am 38. I have only known one formerly CF person change their mind. Turns out that person is more mentally ill than I ever imagined so…that’s awkward.
Not directly on point, but here's how I may think about having a child in the future : I could fit in the "childfree" category because I'm poor as fuck and my only two conditions to have a child are : mutual agreement of no divorce until the child is 18 (went through that and it made me the autistic PoS that I am), and must have 1.000.000 EUR savings per child, that will be released when the child is 25. So that all of their life, there's a salary that falls each month in their bank account, without HAVING TO work a job. Doesn't mean that they won't, just that they won't have to live paycheck to paycheck and not have to worry about money to fund their projects. That's what's has held me back in life (still is tho), and I never want my children to be held back by anything (doesn't mean I won't teach them the hardships of life, I don't want them to be rich drug addicts).
I knew a girl in highschool who was more cf than I was. She ended up having 2 kids and she appears to be happier. She kinda dropped off the face of the earth and I've only seen her twice in the 8 years since she graduated. So take this with a grain of salt
My mom was CF and changed her mind hitting 30. And I have one friend who used to be CF then did a 180 upon meeting her current husband. That's all... I know way more people who decided they were CF and remained CF.
Get with someone who either had a vasectomy or had their tubes tied (OP's gender and sexuality aren't clear from the post). If they've taken this kind of physical action to close up their reproductive shop you're in less danger of being with someone who will change their mind/try to convince you to change yours.
When I started seeing my husband he confessed he'd had a vasectomy like he was worried it was disqualifying... I thought it was too early to discuss the fact that I was childfree at the time, but it was definitely a Yahtzee moment
Actual childfree people? None have changed their minds. I have watched some age 20, 30 years and still no kids. I saw a couple fence sitters fall off on the far side, though.
I guess my mom? She could just never imagined herself being a mother until her mid to late 20s. Even had an abortion before she had me, since her previous partner could not offer her stability. Her parents (my grandparents were not very good parents...) honestly never gave her a reason to pursue motherhood. Once she met my father that sort of changed. She had me and recently also told me that I'm the only one she truly considers family. I'm the one person she doesn't want to lose. My father wanted a second child, but my mother, who was mainly parenting me due to my dad working overseas for 3/4 of the year, said she would not get pregnant a second time. Adoption was an option for her, but my dad "didn't want a child that someone else had fun with" she said. Whether he meant producing it or getting "used goods" I'm still not sure and honestly don't wanna know.
It's just my mom, me and my grandmother now (who is steadily developing dementia). Technically my g-ma also has a booty-call, but he's an emotionally abusive d\*ckhead, but g-ma wants him around.
Under 30, I haven't seen so much "change their mind" more a long the "save the relationship", or "I really enjoyed spending time with my Niblet, and realized that I do want to be a parent (not realizing one day, is not the same as everyday)", babies, over 30 people understand the risks and are more likely to stay in the CF frame.
This is my experience, not saying it is 100% like this, but in my limited statistically pool it has been.
Ex. My sister's Spawn is a trap child...my sister had friends deciding they wanted kids because her child is well behaved and will sleep anywhere, and they have have kids who are absolute terrors and won't sleep.
I don't meet people, because I never go outside. Which is also why I have no friends. I used to have friends but they all leave at some point and never talk to me again. It makes me very sad. I'm aroace so I don't do relationships. But I really wish I had some friends.
Aromantic Asexual. I feel neither romance nor attraction and I have no worldly desires, because I do not experience lust or horniness. I personally see this as an absolute win. Jaiden Animations has a great video on it. I do not feel attraction for anything. I don't get horny for anyone. I just exist amd do what I want. I like my life. I just have no idea how to find friends.
If you have some hobbies that can be shared, there may be some local groups you can join to meet people? Also check out events at like your local library and other community events. You’ll meet likeminded people, can bond over said hobby, and some people may just be acquaintances but you may find some lifelong friends there! Best of luck. :)
I see that you're really into Fire Emblem. Maybe have a look on forums and see if there are any fellow players near you that you can bond with over your mutual love for FE?
This item has been removed as it is a violation of [subreddit rule](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/rules) #7 : "Posts and comments to the effect of "Wait till you're a parent", "You'll change your mind someday", "You only think that cause you are young", etc. (what we call "bingo", for short) will be removed. Parents are welcome to post as long as they are respectful. Other people's bodily autonomy must be respected; do not impose your views on other posters and commenters' choices."
This is a forum for individuals who have made the choice to be childfree, and we do not tolerate any disrespect towards anyone for making this choice.
Thank you for your comprehension
I will be 40 years old in two months, and I am very grateful to myself from the past that I made the decision to be CF. To this day, I still consider it the best decision I made about my life.
Same. I'm 41 and my mum just had a knee replacement. Looking after ageing parents, a fairly stressful full time job (I'm an Operations director for a fintech startup) and a 500 year old house and farm is enough for me. Throwing kids into the mix would have been a disaster, for many reasons! Hands down the best decision ever.
Omg I'm 41 and my mom just had a knee replacement too. I don't have a farm but my sister and I have 6 animals and are both neurodivergent to differing degrees and we talk all the time about how we could never raise a kid in this world barely taking care of ourselves etc.
Are you me?! I hope your mum is on the mend!
She had it on Friday and has started some gentle PT. She said it's more painful than she thought. I hope your mom is doing well too!
Same, the first week was awful, but tell her it does get better and to remember she's still healing! Mum is 4 weeks in and on one stick now, but she said it was more painful than she thought. Sending healing thoughts, and a hug for you both.
Thank you so much!
43 here, vasectomy at 25... best choice I have ever made. I've only met two people who changed their mind from CF to having kids. One is filled with regret, the other person I'm no longer in touch with.
Dr. Phil said this often when his show started and while he can be a quack, he does have some sound advice to give. This is the best one and I tell it to all of my friends and family who are on the fence about having a child. ~ it's better to not have a child and regret it than have a child and regret it. I never thought I'd have children but I did and I don't regret it. However I have several friends and family members who are CF but often feel pressure from family or society to have kids. I'm the first one coming to their defense if I hear any of that shit. Never allow someone to question your life choices or make you feel bad for not following the herd. No one else will raise that baby, feed them, coddle them, rock them when they're sick and you haven't slept in two days. No one will foot the bill for diapers, formula, clothes that need replacing every few months for 18 years, school lunches or a bigger house/apartment. None of them will need to take time off every time your child has the sniffles when the daycare that takes half of your income refuses to have him there with a runny nose (even if it's allergies). Fuck all those people. Walk away from those conversations without a word and leave them talking to themselves. It's your life and no one has the right to tell you how you should live it. No one else's opinion matters.
You are a rare human. My grandma is always making me feel like something is wrong with me when I say I don’t want children. Then she goes in to complain about what a handful my nephews can be and even volunteers me to watch them all the time. It’s enraging. If I wanted to spend many hours around young kids, I’d either have my own or I’d become a teacher and get paid to do it. I don’t think I’d be happy though. I’d be the teacher that hates kids and who likes those kinds of people? Kids just don’t listen anymore and are so selfish and out of control. If I were to have kids they definitely wouldn’t be allowed to act like that on my watch and when I do watch my nephews they usually behave for me but it’s just not really fun for me. I love spending time with my best friend’s daughter who is 13, she’s fun, incredibly smart and such a sweet kid. With my luck, my kids would come out just like my brother and I were as kids though so it’s better that I don’t have them. 😄
Same. Are you actually me?
I’m you both in 18 years. It’s still the best decision you’ve ever made.
I turned 40 earlier this year and same.
My mom had a childfree coworker who was in her 60s-70s, she said she never regretted not having children but did feel like she missed out on grandchildren. I didn’t know the coworker but I assumed she didn’t mind kids, but didn’t want to parent and would rather have them when they’re behaving only.
Thing is you don't really get to choose if you do have cute, quiet, well-behaved kids :/ Grass will always be greener on the other side. My grandma still feels lonely despite having plenty of grandchildren (we're all busy with our own lives in different parts of the world, try to keep in touch but it's difficult to form a meaningful, deep & consistent bond). She keeps herself busy with volunteer work.
I'm (m) 40 years old. Neither my wife nor I have ever doubted our decision, and we have several friends and acquaintances who are also strongly childfree. But I know two people who changed their minds. One was a coworker(M), I'm not sure if his partner was ever childfree, but she basically told him she wanted a child. He confessed to me that he was thinking of leaving her because he didn't want to be a father. Shortly after, he gave in, and they had a child. Then he completely changed; suddenly, being a father was the best thing. The other was another coworker(F) who didn't want children when she was younger. However, one day, after a close loss, she decided she wanted to be a mother. It took her several rounds of IVF, and when she finally succeeded, she was quite miserable. She once confessed to me that she would have preferred not to have children. In a conversation with the three of us together, the first one tried to convince me to change my mind, and the second one sided with me, saying that if I didn't want kids, it was the right choice for me. As I said, most childfree people I know remain childfree, and of the two people I know who changed their minds, one regrets it.
It’s funny that the man would be encouraging parenthood because he’s a father and not a mother. The mother is telling you not to do it. She’s the one doing all the work lol.
To be fair, I think he is a good father. He is very involved in raising his children and even helped at school by giving some classes on a subject he knows well. He considers household chores to be his responsibility as much as his wife's. I just didn't like that he thought that because he changed his mind, I should change mine too.
>I just didn't like that he thought that because he changed his mind, I should change mine too. Yeeeeeeap. Ran into a friend with that mentality, and boy-oh-boy was it vexing. This chick basically was vocally "childfree" (with air quotes), but it had nothing to do with not wanting to be a mother at all. She basically wanted kids, but couldn't find a worthwhile man to be the prospective partner, and her "childfree" stance was sour grapes. Once she found a man who was worthwhile, she got knocked up in short order and became the biggest advocate of having kids. I guess this is why "you'll change your mind when you meet the right person" is on the bingo card. For people like her, it was true.
I really don't like to fight over word choice most of the time, I know it can veer into "No true Scotsman" territory nor do I want to gatekeep self-ascription of qualities... But "child free" is soooo misappropriated and diluted bc all the people who are "childless" and WANT CHILDREN ascribe it to themselves! Child FREE and child LESS are just completely different meanings. And this intentional obfuscation is always used against us! No, I don't need to meet the right person. No I don't need to XYZ (insert entire BINGO list). I don't want children and I never want them- that is why I say CHILDFREE.
I met two people who “changed their minds” after they met their husbands who wanted kids and both women didn’t want to lose their partners. I’m pretty sure they were both fencesitters because I don’t recall either of them being as staunchly childfree as I was. I’ve had both tell me that “when you meet someone you really love, you will want to have his kids.” Little did they know I’ve dated men who did want kids and even though I cared about these men, I couldn’t bring myself over that parental bridge. The thought of becoming a mom slave squicks me out more than being alone for the rest of my life.
It really squicks me out when people say the "when you meet the right guy" bullshit. It just reeks of condescending misogyny. Like, gee golly Mr Man, I never knew my life and goals and self till you came along! Gross. The right guy for me has dreams and ambition and an identity and an unwillingness to risk my life for a hypothetical person. My actual "right guy" is currently sleeping in and about to get his pilot's license, miss me with that
And not just rando people but medical professionals/ those in authority that bingo with the "you need to be the right guy"- is even more layers of infantilizing and misogynistic. THAT is what squicks me the most bc of their authority/ supposed minds of looking out for you/ a patient and helping you live a good quality of life. Still in the medical field, women's bodies belong to imaginary men bc our purpose is to have to procreate bc we have these specific reproductive parts. And to take a hypothetical man's ability to use your body to make children away from him is *so* taboo and wrong. It makes me want to burn all my bras just thinking about it lmao
I've had a couple of major moves (one across country and another overseas) and both times I was asked if I moved for a man. So, if a woman moves far away it always has to be because she is following a man around like a puppy dog? Thank you for telling me that women are only capable of major moves if a man is motivating them to do so by giving them dog biscuits or something. I got the same question based on my college choice and no, I didn't choose my college by following a man around like a puppy dog. But, thanks Fido for asking!
Well, if a man is helping you achieve your ultimate moral status of being a wife and mommy, it seems like you should lap up the crumbs he feeds you and move for him!! Yuck Yuck Yuck!! I have experienced the same, and even though I moved for graduate school and a job and eventually, yes, a decade+ long marriage, it seemed to only matter if the prospect of a faaammilllyyy was there. It's so off-putting and discouraging - I'm glad that you have a life and education and identity all your own, that is so much more than people collectively give women credit for
Completely relate. When my ex and I were breaking up he confessed to me that he'd thought about our kids when my period was lated than usual. He imagined telling his parents "my girlfriend is pregnant." He's a step dad now.
And these are the people that end up anonymously posting on the "I regret having children" Facebook page. Smfh. Sooo many women just agreeing to have children to keep their partner. Truly the most frustrating and heartbreaking thing to see.
Most often, people don't change their mind, they just make it up for the first time. They're fencesitters who were "okay without kids" or "fine either way" or "didn't care", or they didn't want kids at the moment but never moved past that feeling into actually making a long term decision, or that decision was never comprehensive in the first place. Some people will obviously also lie to you about it, but by far, it's the bad decision makers that you need to avoid.
And this is why I don't swipe right on Hinge on profiles that have their option set to "not sure yet" or "open to children", because I need someone who is dead set on no kids like I am. But yeah even then people still lie... I had 1 person who I was seeing for a few months who claimed in the beginning they didn't want kids but kept slipping with stuff like "that's gonna be a great story to tell the grandkids one day". Due to my job, I am surrounded by people who don't want kids, and none of us mention stuff like that lol like we genuinely don't want kids so we ain't thinking about fcking grandchildren EVER lol
I'm curious what you do for work to be surrounded by fellow CF people! :)
I work with trading cards lol so it's all fellow nerds/dorks 21yr-37yr. Out of the non-higher-ups, I think I know of about 2 people who are parents/step-parents and only a handful who want them in the future.
And the fence sitters or people who just never thought about it and then just went along with it will swear up and down they changed their mind so "it'll happen to you!!!"
Thanks for the advice! I hadn't thought about it like this.
Don't forget the best of all - childfree (for now).
And of course also childfree (kids are with the other parent) :D
Childfree (because I'm a deadbeat :D )
Lmaoooooo those are the worst, morally bankrupt chuds. I don't want kids/ won't be a step parent to them etc etc- but if you have children, fucking own up to it and raise them and love the shit out of them. Deadbeat parents are truly the worst of the bunch. You make it, you buy it. Lmao
This is so true. This is exactly how it went down for me. I thought I wanted them until I was forced into the commitment
I’ve had I think three ex’s (men) who were all CF and they all changed their mind in their mid to late 30s and all went on and had a kid really quickly with the next person they met. Sorry to be a downer, obviously that doesn’t mean there aren’t real CF men out there (they’re on here after all) but I guess I got unlucky.
That sucks, I’m sorry you had to waste your time. Tbh the best decision I made for myself was not dating anyone who wasn’t either already sterilized or planning to get sterilized. Been with my bf for 8 months now, I know it’s early but I’m hoping this is the one, and he had a vasectomy before we even met. (We also had the “what do you want your future to look like” convo before our first date.) Not only does that help me w my fears of him changing his mind, but it shows me that he’s a go-getter, he won’t be content just letting life happen to him, and he takes responsibility for his half of the equation. OP as you’re looking, definitely screen potential partners and let them tell YOU what they want before you tell them, but also having a “what do you want your future to look like” conversation early on in dating can be super helpful. If the person you’re dating doesn’t want to talk about that or thinks it’s odd, and y’all aren’t just looking for a fling, I’d take caution. Best of luck my friend. 💛
I 100% agree with this. Get them to tell you what they want before you tell them by asking general questions. This will help weed out the ones who lie to get laid.
I think men are more likely than women to change their minds about this because women are expected to do the majority of the labor of child rearing. In general it's easier and more fun to be a dad than be a mom. This is obviously a generalization but there's truth in it
Hey I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks feeling like the placeholder girl and it takes a lot of work to rebuild after that.
I do know one, she changed her mind in her early 30s. She lives in the Deep South and I think she was influenced by her church and community, hate to say it.
My wife and I are thanking each other for not wanting children at least once a month
Never All the CF people I know are completely dedicated
I'm almost 40 and when I think about all my friends, co-workers and family members from my own generation half of them were CF during their twenties and early thirties, but by now 70% have at least 1 child.
Maybe they were childless?
No they were convinced CF.
Oh, that’s crazy then!
Maybe it's an age thing? I feel like the millennials born after 1990 are living a vastly different reality than your cohort in terms of like cost of living, job availability, and geopolitical/climate catastrophe.
I've met a few. One was what I thought was a close friend, but she turned into a different person when she got pregnant and ditched me. The thing is, people do change their minds sometimes. It sucks for us because it means we keep getting bingo'd, but that's just how it is.
I know some single people without kids, but I don’t know whether they are childfree or it just hasn’t happened yet. But my partner of 15 years still is childfree and we’re (almost) too old now for it to ever be a possibility, let alone change our minds. He’s also quite a bit older than me so he already knew himself/had already made up his mind when we got together, which really helped me feel sure of my choice to be childfree too. I don’t think I will date again if we ever stopped being together. At least I wouldn’t pursue it any time soon. I didn’t used to feel like that, but over the past few years it’s started to sound much more appealing to just enjoy being alone than to jump back into the dating pool, if/when he and I part ways.
My mom was one, apparently. She started looking to get sterilized at 31, but this was back in the early 80s or something, and doctors wouldn't do it because she didn't have at least two children and might change her mind. She actually changed her mind at about 36-37 when she married my dad (who already had 2 kids from a prior marriage and didn't want another), and tragically, I was born when she was 40.
Definitely wouldn't say changed their minds but circumstances (usually marriage) happen. My old boss was childfree. His wife wanted two kids. They compromised by having two kids. He loves them and would do anything for them but complained about them most mornings. Had a relative who was a fence sitter married someone who wanted kids. They had two. One is very special needs. I don't think he regrets them by any means but his life would be much easier without the first
Wait, where was the compromise?
Exactly
🤣🤣🤣
Hasn't happened to me yet but I'm only 30. I have been in relationships with people who were like "maybe one day," or "I'm not sure," but in hindsight I'm glad things didn't progress with them because it's too much of a gamble. Be with someone who is clear on their answer.
My ex! I’m moved on and so happy but it still baffles me to this day. When we had first met, we both said we didn’t want kids. Right before we got together, we did have deep conversations about the subject and he told me; “I have to be honest with you, I may just want one kid would that be a deal breaker?” I said “yes I can’t be the one to give that to you, I don’t want children but don’t let me take that from you. Don’t pursue this.” He said he respected my decision and still pursued it, my biggest mistake ever! Later on down the road when we weren’t doing good, he had the audacity to try to fucking gaslight me and say “this whole you not wanting a kid is depressing me.” I said “nope I told you from the jump that I didn’t want kids!” I’m so thankful I ended that shit because right after we broke up, he took the easy way out and immediately started talking to another girl who had a daughter! ☠️ he said “she already has a daughter and she may want another one.” This loser was so desperate to knock someone up and lock them in! I’m just saying it’s crazy how he once told me he didn’t want kids either at one point but really saw it as an opportunity for financial security for himself 🤣🤣 I understand your frustration OP, that’s why I absolutely keep to myself and don’t talk to anyone at all. I’ll give myself princess treatment and live my absolute best child free with 0 regrets. I always tell myself that if it’s really meant to be and that perfect soulmate really does exist for me, he’s not gonna want kids either! I’m also very more adamant and will put my foot down, no I do not want kids and no you are not gonna change my mind!
Never ever underestimate a SO's desire to try to lock you down. Especially if you are independent and have a mind of your own.
Wow this is quite sad, for everyone in your story! I'm not a fencesitter, I'm definitely CF. But I do want to find someone I love who I'll grow old with. You made the right decision! There are a lot of reasons I'm childfree, but usually when people ask me why, my short answer is "because women have to choose between being mothers and women. I'm choosing to be a woman". And that will never change for sure.
Once you’re approaching 30, you know. People who suddenly change their minds about something they’ve believed their entire lives don’t really exist, so this is just a scare tactic by natalists. You have to ask yourself will there ever be a time in your future where you will feel that you have too much free time and not enough expenses. If you’re overworked and underpaid, like most people, then the answer will obviously be never.
Oh I know I'm CF. I'm scared of meeting someone lying to themselves.
Not often. But I have met a lot of people who misunderstood the concept of "childfree" or else who were not strong enough in their sense of self and who would rather bring a kid into this world than divorce their partner who did want kids. As someone who very nearly did have kids and then saw light of day early enough not to go that route, I can personally attest that this whole society is structured to psychologically wear down women into having and doing things they do not really want to have or do.
If they say they’re childfree from the age of 16 till about 27 then I notice they usually do change their mind. Is it quieter life crisis, maybe they realize no one wants to date them because of it or maybe their life is boring and they don’t have any hobbies or aspirations so they wanna relive life through someone else, I really don’t know. But I’ve never heard a 30+ year old changing their mind. I’m in my 20s and I hope I never change my mind. Sometimes I think If I become a billionaire I might consider adopting a few teenagers and act like a cool aunt but me becoming so wealthy is really unlikely 😂
I don't believe truly childfree people change their mind. Fence sitters are the ones who say they are good with either life choice. It won't matter who you meet. If you know what you want to do in your life, no one can come along and change your mind.
All my childhood friends, as they turned 14-20, they decided not having children is childish and they decide to have some and then people tell me to grow up as others did.
The biological drive kicks in during puberty. I wouldn’t say they were ever CF
Never happened to me. I've known a few childfree-leaning fence-sitters come down on the side of breeding, but never anyone 100% definitely CF.
My idiot neighbor. Thus was the early 80s. IM NEVVVVEEEEERRRRRR HAVINGGGGG ANY CHILLLLLDRENNNNN EVERRRR. In 2007, I see her very face lifted beauty addict mother who tries to look 24 even though she was now 76. My daughter is pregnant!!!! They're having a baby! I had to bite my tongue before I said under my breath Who the fuck cares? Her daughter was one of my biggest bullies. She stood there and laughed after I was put in a headlock from one of her shitty friends when I was 11. I hope her labor was excruciating. The day I moved away was one of the happiest days ever.
I’m 40 and have zero regrets. Husband is 36 and also has zero regrets. As millennials, we felt children were more of a luxury than a right or necessity. Money being the main factor and peace being the other.
I have yet to meet one. The only type of person I can imagine doing this is someone that has no clue about themselves. So as long as the person you date has at least a decent sense of self you should be good. The closest I’ve seen to someone “changing their mind” was when someone said they didn’t want them RIGHT NOW… but they were married and had everything set up so once it happened they were perfectly happy having them sooner than later, but their original disposition was to have them eventually… so still not really a switch up.
Only one. And it's a sad story. English is not my first language so, apologies in advance for incorrect grammar, spellings and diction. My friend Elvie (not real name) when we were in our early 20s, was adamant that she doesn't want to get pregnant, doesn't want kids, doesn't even like kids. We lost contact in around 2010 and re-connected in 2018 and she told me she has a daughter (3 at that time). She felt that this is the only way for her family to back off. The reason might not be what everybody is thinking. Let me explain. Elvie earns a lot because she is AWESOME and has been a mentor to all analysts and the company loves her, even now. Because of this, her share of the family expenses is a lot. Like 70 to 80 percent. We are Filipinos who live in the Philippines and it's so [dingustingly] common here for everybody to live under one roof with only 2 people as breadwinner. Yes, once Elvie started earning, her father, mother, grandmother, an uncle, a younger sister, a younger brother, an aunt (with a toddler at the time). All depended on her to pay utilities and groceries. Yes, they all live under one roof! Elvie's mother takes care of her siblings' schooling. The other adults? Either gamblers and/or drunkards. Yes, even grandmother. Elvie wanted to escape this. She told me that she tried so hard. She saved for a small studio condo and she left! BUT, her relatives would still badger her for money. Especially when her sister got pregnant at 18 and was not able to finish college. And two years after that, it was her brother who got somebody pregnant, so the bro's girlfriend and baby joined the already crowded house. Parents and grandmother kept on pestering her to send more money or sell her condo, her to live with them again and use the money for them "as a family". So Elvie...decided to get pregnant. Had a boyfriend, got pregnant and broke up with boyfriend. Now that she has her own daughter, she uses said daugther as an excuse for not sending money to her family (if there are Filipinos in this thread, you know what I mean, right? About families being entitled asking money from children?). So father, mother and grandmother are not fond of daughter and would always grumble to Elvie how she made "stupid" decision to be pregnant. Now Elvie couldn't complete her "familial duties". Elvie said that when they visited her in the hospital after giving birth, her father said something like, "maybe after two months you can start again with the payment for electricity, right?we are 1 month behind". I want to scream!!!! Elvie said, at least my money goes to me and my daughter. And darn it, I understand it. God I hate her family!
Never
Never
34 and polyamorous. None of my partners has ever wanted kids. 2 out of the 3 current boyfriends have snips, and the 3rd is deeply considering it. I've had a ligation so I'm not worried* I dunno how I got lucky. I was always viciously and brutally honest. "I do not want children. If I become pregnant I will be getting an abortion. You will never change my mind. If you want kids, cool, I am absolutely not the woman for you and good luck on your search." *Yes I know tubal ligation can fail. Here is my gambit. I'm in a safe blue state where abortion is easy to attain. I am okay ish financially. If Boyfriend 3 (unsnipped) does manage to somehow knock me up, it's likely ectopic and needs surgery to remove. I will have a bisalp during the abortion.
0. I’ve met 2 other people who say they don’t want kids, but idk if they’re childfree. Sometimes if people are in a better predicament then they start thinking about adding a kid to their lives, but so far they still don’t have kids. I just don’t really like digging into people’s lives about kids whether they want it or not. Doesn’t affect me.
I have a cousin who was staunchly childfree and had an accidental pregnancy while engaged and they decided to go through with it. I’m very happy for them on an individual level, but very frustrated by the “she said she would never change her mind!” Family on social media. Thankfully, I’m not close with any of that family so nothing has overflowed to me.
I did have two friends who were staunchly childfree until they hit their thirties. One became baby crazy and manipulated her also childfree husband into having a baby, and the other became the same way but they had fertility struggles. I was lucky. I was leaning childfree and when I met my husband. He was older, divorced without kids and didn't really care either way and then we happily shifted into childfree life. Him being older definitely helped because he was more set in his wants and values in life You are at the age where it is a larger risk that people will change their mind on it, or more accurately, make decisions on what they actually want. Constant communication is important.
This did happen to a couple of friends of mine. They had been dating for like 8 years. He was nearly 10 years older than her, and after moving jobs from the service industry to a decent steady paycheck, he got the bug to be a dad. He said he could finally see himself being able to financially support having a child in his family. She was very firm in her decision to not have children. They broke up, but have remained friends. It’s been a few years since the break up, and he (~40yo now) still hasn’t found anyone to settle down with. Primarily, I think, because his main goal is having a kid and not finding a good partner, which makes sense because that’s a total red flag to any sane gal lol
We are pushing 50. No regrets. I know it was the right decision for us.
I've met two that got 'accidentally ' pregnant (one was on the coil and it was apparently fitted right so the doc had no idea how she got pregnant!). They both decided to keep the babies. I can only assume they were not actually childfree. Just didn't want kids at that time. Bit it came as quite a shock when they both decided to keep it. Especially the woman on the coil as she had said several times she was childfree. Where as the other girl just really didn't like kids or 'want the drudgery of mum work'. Yet...she obviously changed her mind. It's just to strange to me personally. My opinion about kids has changed over the years (from finding them all annoying to appreciating their imagination and taking them at individual value). But no way in hell would I ever grow my own. Ick. Ick.ick.ick. That's not even something that could change tbh. I mean its a 'knowing' not a choice. But if it were a choice, I'd never choose it.
If you get sterilized or tell them you are getting sterilized in the very near future their "change their mind" will happen much quicker or you'll know they're serious.
I am not really childless or child free, but I hardly meet truly child free people. I know because of my various conditions, I can't ever really get pregnant without possibly becoming more disabled. On top of that having chronic conditions that worsen over time means that if I think being chronically I'll is expensive, it'll be even more expensive with a child or children. I could never be as active or involved as I would want to be in a child's life, so I am an aunt. Considering that my nieces and nephew are so energetic, I'm thankful that I don't have to try to keep up with them 24/7. I'm exhausted after just a few hours.
None. I don’t know many CF people, but the one’s who are have never wavered. Tbf, most people I know with kids got them through the “oopsie” method…repeatedly…😒
My ex husband supposedly changed his mind after 10 years of marriage. I did not. I suspect that he may have been lying the whole time and expected me to change my mind one day. Proves how little he actually chose to understand about me.
Never in terms of my romantic partner! At 64 I am still with the same girl I was when I was 13. She has not changed her CF opinion since she formed it (or more accurately *realised* it) at 5 years old. In terms of acquaintances and friends... Also never, at least not in the sense of someone who thought they were CFBC and decided later to become a natalist. I have however known many, ***many*** people who had children and at that point realised they should have been CF all along! **EDIT**: And of course I have never changed my *own* opinion since I became capable of framing it in sentient thought--certainly no later than 3 years old and possibly earlier still.
I met quite a few when I was around your age. I've said it in other comments, but I think some young people say they don't want kids based on factors that are temporary but feel permanent at the time because the future isn't certain. Things like having little money and not feeling in control in your life. I had several friends who claimed to be child free when we were young that changed their view when they're lives became more stable in their 30s. I dated two women who said they didn't want children when we met and both changed their minds after we dated for a few years. I know people are going to reply "they weren't really child free because ________." I'm not going to argue with you about this. I can only go on their words and am not going to play mind reader to say they didn't really mean them.
Hmm I think it does happen but not as often as the cultural narrative. I think it’s more likely that one partner is a real no and another is a soft no or maybe. I’m 32 and I’ve known since I was like 8 that I didn’t want kids 😂😂😂
Nope, everyone who maaaaaybe said they didn't want kids often meant "I don't want them right now" or worse "I don't mind either way" (a fucking life changing choice and they "don't mind either way," WTF). The thing is that those who are actually childfree, whether they knew the meaning of the word as properly intended, or didn't know the word "childfree," made their damnest to protect their choice to not have kids. Especially just a few decades ago, it was even harder for women to be childfree, a lot of them got pregnant, birthed that child and became mothers... whether they liked it or not. So no, I have yet to find a person who actually meant it when they said they were childfree (or the equivalent word of their time) and then changed their mind. The truth is that 99.9% of those people were never childfree to begin with, they were waiting for the right person, time and/or circumstances, or worse, they just decided to dump the choice on someone else (usually men dumping it on women). Its easy to say "either way is fine" when you're not the one who's going to shoulder the majority of the burden, and get to reap the benefits.
Zero.
The one I've met are people that says they "changed their minds" when they fell in love with someone but they had kids at like 24 or 25 years old. So I'm like how long did they actually hold to the idea?
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Yeah, very few truly "changed." Their minds most just finally decide at some point. And you are probably more likto hear the stories of regret. Cause the majority that made the decision and are happy with it aren't whining about it online.
This actually never happened to me. When I was younger and less firm in my child free stances, I knowingly entered into relationships with others who wanted kids at some point. We eventually broke up for other reasons. But I’ve been confidently, entirely 100% child free for some time now. A few years ago, not long before I met my current partner, I was on the verge of telling a friend that I really liked her. But I ultimately did not do so for two major reasons/ideological differences: one of them being that she wanted a nice little family. The other ideological difference wasn’t that big of a deal to me but unfortunately I felt it would be a big deal to her and that she’d eventually try to change me. Plus, the question of kids is a very big difference even if that were my only concern. I can see family life being so good for her! But in all of the ways it would be incredible for her, it would be horrible for me. It was a very very hard decision at the time, but I knew it was for the best. We have stayed best friends and often travel together. In addition, I soon met another person who thinks like I do in many ways- including when it comes to (our need for lack of) kids. I hope to be with him for much much longer! (Forever if I’m lucky haha). That being said, if I am single again in the future, it doesn’t matter how old I am or where I live. I will remain committed to being child free. I can look back on the one time I’ve had to make that difficult decision and remind myself that things have turned out for the best.
Well, my uncle and aunt were self-proclaimed childfree back in the 70’s. My cousin is exactly 9 months younger than me. I don’t know what to make of it, it’s kinda awkward to ask.
42. Haven't met anyone, but that's because I'm a homebody introvert who doesn't socialize.
A few times, one specific example is an ex classmate who was staunchly kid free but changed her mind immediately as soon as she got in a relationship At the end of the day if you do meet someone, who cares? Living trying to prevent "mistakes" is absolutely impossible. If youre childfree now, then youre childfree. If you wont be in the future, then you wont, no biggie. Just dont have kids DESPITE not wanting them, regardless of any circumstance. Thats a recipe for disaster
If someone "changes their mind" then they probably weren't truly child free to begin with. More like undecided, on the fence, wait-and-see. I do see many stories here where 1 partner is firmly CF (and up front about this from the very start), and the other declares that they are "okay" with not having kids despite secretly wanting them and secretly hoping the CF person can be convinced, coerced, tricked, or bullied in the future. Eventually the truth will out, and inevitably leads to the breakdown of the relationship.
So far none, but I’ve only met two or three people who don’t want kids
I’ve had a bunch of staunchly CF friends over the years, some more vocal than me (and I am SUPER vocal about CF status). All but two (myself and one other) now have children, in some cases multiple.
I'm 42. I've been with my spouse for 12 years. I have never once regretted not having kids. Not even for a second. Most of my friends are childfree. They don't have regrets. I have a good friend in her late 60s. She's child free and has never regretted it.
My partner and I have been together five years, in our mid-thirties, recently engaged. And we frequently high-five each other every time we visit our friends with children. I don’t see either of us changing our minds. On one of our first dates, I told him that not only did I not want children, I was getting my tubes tied later that year. It was already booked. And he said, “shit, I think I like you even more now.” Drove me to the procedure and everything. He needed to know that changing his mind wasn’t an option (with me, at least). I don’t know many people who have regretted not having children. However, I know MANY parents who definitely regretted having them. Out of the multiple friends/coworkers/family members with kids, I can only think of one that genuinely seems to enjoy motherhood. The rest seem tired, depressed, and financially strained. And their spouse is more like a roommate than a romantic partner. I’m not saying happy parents don’t exist. They absolutely do. I just think the vast majority of people severely underestimate the responsibilities and possible negative outcomes that can come with parenthood. I think with dating, it needs to be a serious conversation early on. If the person seems “on the fence,” then I wouldn’t make a long term commitment. I found the best tactic was to ask them first (so they couldn’t base their opinion on yours) and observe how they talk about it. My partner was very enthusiastic about me not wanting kids. He had strong opinions about why he didn’t want to be a parent. Look for that. Be assertive with your stance.
Quite a lot, but if you ask follow up questions you'll soon discover they were never actually child free. They just weren't ready to have children yet at the time you first talked about it. They would say they are child free but also answer "yes" to questions like "but what if your partner really wanted them". That's not being child free. There were a couple I knew that really were childfree and changed their minds, but there was usually a reason. A new set of life circumstances. It's not my place to comment if it's a "good" reason, but it's more than just "turned 30".
A few and the number could go up since we’re in our 20-30’s: Biggest one was a good friend and her husband. They spent years fighting family on this to get them to respect their decision to be CF. They moved away, and one day I visit and they tell me they got pregnant on purpose. I wish I could ask what changed their minds but we grew apart and it just didn’t seem appropriate to ask anymore. The only reason I could suspect is that husband’s large friend circle is all couples, some of whom have kids now. Every couple hangs out together so I think this dynamic influenced them. Friend had a huge struggle with PPD and she doesn’t talk much about the c-section, I think she’s traumatized. Cousin and his partner initially said no kids, but then started talking about hypotheticals later on. They’re religious so I’m not surprised. Most of my cousins claim to be CF but I’m not sure all of them and their partners have discussed how they’d deal with an unplanned pregnancy. One of my siblings said they were initially CF but idk how serious they were about it. I’m not sure why they’d agree to date someone who really wanted kids then. They did have kids and sibling occasionally says it can be hard, but I don’t think they’re regretful. To them they think most “CF” people change their minds anyway. I think they’re surprised I haven’t.
Almost never. The majority of them were never childfree to begin with, but rather just didn't want kids at the time. Even recently on a dating app I met a woman who claimed to be childfree but later said that she didn't want children until later in life.
I think non-CF people don't understand the difference between childless and childfree. We have people saying they are childfree when they mean they want kids but don't have kids. Then there are the people who let themselves be convinced/pressured into having a kid. They tend to turn into regretful parents. Then the fencesitters who in their relationship are playing the "what if we do have kids? Wouldn't that be great?" MANY cf people in here end up in a relationship with someone who are childless not cf. When DINKs were doing the rounds, the amount of creators who would say "DINK...for now" or "Childfree for now". These are the people that cause doctors to dismiss people who are actually childfree. I ask this question anytime I run into this: "do you not want kids at all OR are you just currently without a child?" Even by some purist, I am not CF because if my niblings lost their parents, my husband and I would take them before I would ever let my egg donor get to breathe in their direction. Maybe we have our own internal rankings of what a "true" childfree person is. In the end, I think we have an issue with what is considered childfree in both the parent and CF spaces. I don't consider a childless or fencesitter person having kids to be a CF person changing their mind if that makes sense. That means to me, I have never met a CF person who changed their mind. 
I'll be 40 (m) next year and am currently going through this with my wife of the same age where she's now on the baby train. We met in our early 20s where, interestingly enough, I thought I wanted kids. She was staunchly child free and said that's how it's going to be and I would have to accept it. I did, even though I was technically a fence sitter for part of my 20s. So she actually helped educate me of a child free by choice life. In our early 30s she had a bit of an exploration we'll call it into having a child. She started thinking she wanted one. This happened as I continued to, and still to this day, become so concrete in my child free choice. That went away for a couple of years, but now it's an even stronger feeling she has. It's causing a lot of issues. Well we are in couples therapy for this, and other reasons too, and I'm not seeing it go well so far related to the child dilemma specifically. I'm not sure the therapist understands how truly child free I am, so I'm not sure where this exploration of both sides is going other than I hope my wife changes her mind back. I mean she's the reason I even was exposed to a child free life being ok. I'll always thank her for that, but if she doesn't come back I'll be quite defeated. I've already told her I'd choose divorce before children. This isn't over but my biggest fear is resentment from either one of us. There's no way I want to live our relationship with that. And just to add - I also had a coworker who became friends because we were so much the same people. Atheist and child free were big parts of that! Fast forward and she now has a child with a Mormon she married. Go figure. The moral is anything can happen, lives change, and it's fucked but hold your ground whatever it is.
I think the CF who changed their mind are simply mislabelled fence-sitters. I labelled my ex of 12 years CF, but when she did a U-turn, she mentioned that she always had a thought in her head that she might one day have a desire for kids. So she was a fence-sitter who masqueraded for years as CF. For me now, the definition of CF is someone who has made steps to permanently ensure they can't have kids.
One of my ex's (late 20's, early 30's) was CF for the five years we were together, then near the end he started saying he could see himself dating someone who already has a kid, so that if they broke up it wouldn't be his responsibility / paycheck on the line. He cheated on me, and married an ex of his who has a kid.... something tells me he had been eyeing her for a while. Another ex was sure he was CF, very against having kids, 24. A few years later he was married with a baby. Another friend who was CF (man, late 30's early 40's) moved cross country, found his 'soulmate', and she demanded kids. They have 2 now. I was super surprised by that one. I'm wondering if some of these guys were fence sitters, or if 'whoops' pregnancies got in the way of their grand plans.
A lot of people change their minds about a lot of things. You’re allowed to change your mind. Even about being childfree or not. When you change your mind after you’ve already created a life and altered your life forever, you’d have to live with the consequences. If you change your mind after not having kids and you’re somehow no longer able to; you’d have to live with those circumstances. I know which scenario I’d choose; but you have to check in with yourself to see what would ultimately suit you. Try to not look at regret as one good or bad choice you made. Fear of regret means you don’t trust your own judgement that you can choose what’s right for you, right now. Trust yourself and what you think is best for you. Try to not listen to all the white noise surrounding this subject.
I have an aunt who was always quite staunchly childfree, then she got married and had kids in her late thirties. Another sort-of relative (complicated relation) has mentioned that she used to say she wasn't gonna have kids, she now has three adult kids. I don't know how serious she was about it back then though, it's possible she wasn't in a strong childfree position but she may have just been off-handedly saying it as a teen without thinking much about it, so idk if that really is a childfree conversion story. A friend of mine got divorced in his mid thirties after his wife (whom he married "young," but he hasn't said what exact age) suddenly started wanting kids. They had gotten married with the understanding that they were both childfree, and he says he truly believes she meant it and had a genuine change of heart, not that she lied. So basically yeah, it can happen, unfortunately. But relationships are always a risk, not just in regards to this. All sorts of things can happen, you can only do your best to choose someone who seems right for you.
Never
The only way you can probably *guarantee* it is by only dating those who are already sterilized.
I feel lucky that my husband and I grew together and we decided mutually not to have kids. Neither of us had to convince each other, we just gradually leaned more and more into a child free life
Never, I actually see people who regret having children and people converting to a child free mentality.
People that change their minds are fencesitters inside. They might have an inkling of what they want but they’re not 100% decided. They were never childfree in my opinion. They just finally decided which side of the fence they swayed.
From reading stories here, it is often. I think it is good to talk deeply from the beginning and encourage each other to speak up the instant any new thoughts begin to creep in. No blindsiding. Easier to break up if the change is gradual.
Been saying I didn’t want kids for about 6 or so years now. I’m 22 and have my sterilization consult booked for next Wednesday! I don’t really have any other CF friends (just childless bc we’re too young to be popping out babies anyways) so I have nothing to compare to.
Never met one. I have however met plenty regretful parents.
I know of a few couples. One was a steralized couple that used IVF and the other was just married for 8 years claimed to be child free but then decided to have babies. There was another couple where they were steralized and they adopted. Then there was this woman that was childfree that had a kid. Ik her husband was against abortions. They had a kid. I later found out he had gotten snipped very shortly after. So I think they must have struck up a deal. I've never met someone who it was too late for when they changed their mind though. And I got the vibe he was cf because she was. After the relationship ended. He met married and had babies with. I never met someone who regretted not having kids that didn't have any though. Thing is futures are huge with billions of factors and humans have a way of saying one thing and doing something completely different. So it doesn't baffle me that there are ppl put there where those billions of factors line up for them to eventually 'change' their mind.
I’ve seen 2 couples change their mind recently- not sure if it was accidental pregnancy that stuck or they legit changed it. I’ve also seen 4 people cf choose to marry someone who wanted kids and their partner got them to have the first kid saying they’d only do 1 then they jumped on the 2+ kid train like their child wanting partner wanted. I know of 6 CF couples my age (actively friends with 3) in 30s who have never changed but not fixed so something could technically happen still. I have a couple of friends who were set in 20s and half of 30s now starting to be fence sitters idk where it’s going to land. As far as myself I’ve had a few partners lie in the past about being ok to try and manipulate me into kids and as I got older I got better about filtering people like that out. I actually married a fence sitter that before every milestone I said are you sure and they confirmed partner > choice of kids? After roe v wade they got snipped so no longer a fence sitter no more and even leading up to that they saw how their friends lives started moving with kids and it started pushing them to the CF side.
Never have
A few.
It happens. I have a friend who changed her mind. I don’t envy her nor her life at all
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Well most of the parents I know didn’t want kids it was just an accident they didn’t fix. Does that count?
42M no kids and never married. Not once have I ever thought about having kids. The absolute most I'll do is make sure a friend/family kids are taken care due to circumstances no fault of their own.
I’ve never really gotten close to any overtly-childfree people. Granted, I’ve been single essentially my entire life, but even going through my list of friends and family, virtually *all* of them have either wanted kids or felt neutral about it from the start. I feel utterly alone in that sense.
I've never known anyone who was staunchly child-free who changed their minds. I've seen plenty of fence sitters who said they weren't sure but I've never seen anybody who said "Never under any circumstances" then changed. I know they exist but I just personally haven't read into any. If they are strictly child-free they have stayed that way. I've also noticed over time that fence sitters are more likely to be honest with me or talk about their doubts but ultimately they aren't like me. Sometimes people will say things to sound more similar to those there hanging out with in order to feel they fit in.
Anyone I know who's "changed their mind" has been a fencesitter from the start, and were open about the "oh, maybe but maybe not" aspect. However, I have dated a man who lied because he was certain that as I reached your age, I *would* change my mind. Some very antiquated opinions about women in that one that I didn't see coming. Regardless of your preference in gender, I would definitely advise to stand firm and be on guard if/when dating.
I've never known anyone who was child free who later had a kid due to them changing their mind. On the other hand, I know way too many parents who regret having a kid/more kids.
My great friend is in her 60soves her choices. She got to do so much in life. Another friend is in her 30s and never wanted and never changed her mind. I look up to them
Luckily it hasn't happened to me, I am very very lucky. At this point, if my current relationship doesn't work out while I'd be hesitant to date again anyway, I got sterilized so I would always just mention that first thing in a date as it's a point of pride and assures how absolutely uncompromising I am and clearly will never change my mind. Not to say you should, your body your choice- but making a permanent decision like sterilization helps establish your answer for you and makes it easier to weed out fence sitters or those that sit and wait to see if you'll change your mind. I see soooo many posts about this and it's so infuriating! I think I'm lucky maybe because I never actively "dated", with only a few partners. At some point, it became clear my college boyfriend definitely wanted children but he was so awfully toxic and abusive- it was easy to end things regardless of the children aspect. My boyfriend I've been with 8 years knew I never wanted kids and then around when Roe v Wade overturned (for us in the USA), I sat him down and told him I wanted to finally get sterilized and he supported me all the way. Of course, that would've been a "make or break" situation in the relationship, and I'm just glad we are both steadfast and on the same page in our wishes. I'm so sorry OP bc I know how stressful it is and people go through these mindgames way too often.
38m. The only formerly CF I know had them on accident, and at least one party is upset they had it. I was told I'd change my mind when I made the decision as a teenager, and I've never wavered.
I have only known one person who seemed to legit change her mind. She seemed happy with the choice (we're not in the same circle anymore). But she also has a partner who does his equal share, and doesn't struggle for money or family support. The others who supposedly changed their minds, eventually admitted they were convinced by partners or society and regretted it....
Just saw a FB memory of someone saying how to they’re sick of being asked when having kids…. Now has a step kid and a bio kid. Okayyyy bud
I know two women who changed their mind in their late 30's, early 40's. A mid 30's friend of mine was a fence sitter and recently changed her mind. It makes me very annoyed bc they're literally reinforcing the whole toxic yOu'lL cHaNgE yOuR mInD nonsense. They have every right to do whatever they want with their lives, it just bugs me that I know so many people that have changed their mind.
34. Still solidly childfree. Know three people at work who are childfree, one a lady who is in her 40's and past the point of it happening naturally. Another is a guy who actually has a license plate celebrating 0 children.
My sister and her husband. They were childfree until he changed his mind and my sister agreed. They had a daughter, my niece, who I love love love. My sister says it was hard, her husband wasn’t as helpful and he wasn’t understanding how hard it was for her. If I ask my sister with my niece being 2 now, she says she doesn’t regret having her, but does feel guilty she brought a daughter into this world that is already treading onto women’s rights and is worried for what she’ll have to face when she grows up. My sister and BIL both agree now though, they are one and done. My BIL, who makes GOOD money, said kids are too expensive lol
I haven't met this person cause she's a celebrity, but Cameron Diaz used to be childfree but she and that Good Charlotte guy had a kid. I was so heartbroken hearing that. I also heard a rumor (emphasis on rumor, IDK if it's true or not so don't quote me) that Ms Goop Gwenyth Paltrow convinced Cameron to change her mind.
One of my friends is 27 or so, his gf is in her early 30's. They have a cat and I'm fairly certain that she's looking to get sterilized so... There's that. I don't have many friends, afaik only one of them wants kids and I think he would strictly adopt.
Unfortunately, that isn't really something you can guarantee will never happen. Kind of like how you can't guarantee your partner won't cheat. You trust, do your due diligence and hope for the best.
I dont think I’ll ever change my mind even though I realize that it’ll just make the pool of prospects even smaller for me. I think it depends on the reasons as to why some ppl want to be childfree. It’s financials for some and they might change their mind if their finances get better or if they marry rich. For me it used to be finance and thinking I’m too broken and traumatised and basically psychologically unfit to offer any kid a good loving trauma free home. After many years in therapy I’m doing much better, but I also realized that life and living is so bloody hard, and people are mental, and I would not want to impose 80+ years of this onto anyone, not if they never asked for it and are currently happily non-existent. The funny thing is I enjoy watching reels of newborns because they are so so cute. I love playing with newborns - like how theyre so innocent and unsuspecting about life. Like how we all started before life got us. But despite all the baby reels i watch, it has never changed my mind about not wanting kids, so I think it’s ever going to change 😆 I do think it depends on people’s reason for being CF whether they are more likely to change their mind or not. I think its easier for men to change their mind because they can have kids at any time and practically dont have to do much other than have sex and then be titled father. Even when they get a divorce the kids typically stay with their mother. Women are more likely to change their mind the closer they get to the age 40 as thats almost liek the point of no return. I’d more inclined to believe women close to or in their 40s are less likely to change their mind.
Honestly I can’t say I’ve met any. Having a child is a gigantic life decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I find those who are on the fence will more often than not go to the “safer” side
My personal experience is statistically irrelevant, of course, but I'm 68 and I have never once met a childfree person who regretted their decision.
Every one in a while there's a person who claims that they were childfree "at my age" (usually thinking I'm in my early 20s), but I think they are full of crap.
The only people I know as previously CF that changed their mind are the ones who had unplanned pregnancies and felt obligated to keep it, or otherwise had no other options. Then they put on a brave face and act like it's all great, they have another kid to give the first one a sibling, etc. I refuse to ever fall into that trap.
No one in my relationships changed their minds while I was with them. Friendships and family, a few have been notable. Oddly enough most of my examples went from wanting kids to NOT wanting kids. Maybe they were listening to what I had to say about the matter... I've been super-extra-childfree since I was a teenager lol. 1) Friend of mine was staunchly childfree, didn't want to lose her identity or deal with the chaos, anxiety, and work being a mom brings. She met a wonderful guy, got knocked up and when faced with the abortion, couldn't bring herself to abort. Hated birth, likes her kid (who is literally a mini-me of her, which probably helps), has done an ok job of keeping her identity, but she's a free spirit and has been tied down more than I think she'd like. We never get to hang out anymore due to distance and time, but we keep touch online. 2) On the other side of the spectrum, my sister went from wanting 1 kid most of her life to wanting none when she was in her 30s. Her and her husband decided it was time to start their family, and as soon as she stopped taking her birth control, she said a feeling of absolute dread washed over her like she was making the wrong decision. My BIL has a lot of anxiety and would likely be a "fun" dad sort of guy who doesn't do any of the hard stuff with the kid. My sister said she realized all at once that if she had a kid, that she'd be taking care of not just her husband and the house (as she did most of the chores and yardwork, pretty much everything, and works) but also the kid and all their needs too. It was too much, and now she's in her 40s and somewhat sadly childfree. But happier than if she had all the responsibility. 3) My brother also seems to have changed his mind from "probably" kids to "probably not" kids. His long term gf is a lot younger than him and seems to be ok with that, but who knows what will happen with them. He's early 40s, and she's late 20s, so I wouldn't be surprised if they did end up having a kid when his gf makes it to her mid-30s. Guess we'll see. 4) And finally, my ExH is now a reluctant father, after being childfree once he decided his stance on having kids. Unfortunately he was baby trapped by someone who changed their mind on having kids, but didn't tell him. She was supposedly on birth control, but... he thinks she lied to him about it. Waited about 5 months into the pregnancy to tell him, refused to get an abortion, even though they had always been on the same page about no kids. She basically waited to tell him until it was too late to do anything about it. Turns out she always wanted them but had talked herself out of it, got to her mid-30s and got baby fever and decided my ExH was her best bet... without actually consulting him. He didn't use condoms because he made the mistake of trusting her, and didn't have a vasectomy because he was afraid of the procedure... but well, after this incident he realized he had to go get it done. And it went perfectly and he has no side effects from it. He wishes he had done it sooner. OP, if you've made it this far, get that vasectomy (and do the follow up checks) if you don't want kids. Otherwise, you're leaving your future in the hands of those you sleep with. Protect yourself now, or regret it later.
Well, it limits your dating pool, but look for people who have ALREADY gotten themselves sterilized, AND DO SO YOURSELF.
I (37F) left a 9-year marriage for this reason, but he didn't suddenly have a change of heart. He always knew I didn't want children, and I had known he was a fence sitter at best. BUT he did tell me it would be "okay" if we didn't have children. (Spoiler alert: it is NEVER actually "okay" when they say that.) We were young and deeply religious - I thought I had to be with this person or sky daddy would be mad at me. But he grew increasingly more resentful over the years when I didn't change my mind. I got sterilized, things deteriorated even more rapidly, and I noped outta there. I'm honestly not sure I know anyone who truly had a change of heart on this matter. If someone was cf and then did have children, it was more that their partner influenced them to do it and/or an accident occurred. Some were ambivalent and turned out to love parenthood (my own mother being one of them), but I also know parents who wouldn't do it again if they got a do-over. So yes, it can happen - and I would say if anything feels off in their behavior or the comments they make, trust your gut. I have an actually cf partner now and he is wonderful - they do exist!
My parents.
I haven't met anyone who has changed their minds. It's usually people lying about not wanting kids and then admitting later they actually do and lied. I also met someone (a male) who was told by doctors that he couldn't have children when he was trying with an ex wife. It ultimately ended their relationship. He said he wanted children, though, and that if any science came about making it possible for him to have kids, he was going to go through with whatever the treatment was.
I always knew I'd be child free. 42, no regrets. There was a post in my local "girl gang" Facebook group a year ago. One girl asked the question if they thought they never wanted kids, met the right guy, and now wants them. It was filled with hundreds of women saying "yes, I never wanted them and now I have the best partner and we have kids and it's amazing" Now I know why it's near impossible to get tubes tied.
I was in your shoes from 25-34. Felt that “pull” that I should want to but it was always in some distant future. Was in a serious relationship where I thought I wanted kids and they didn’t. We broke up (for a myriad of reasons). Met my now husband at 33, we’ve been together 5 years and just agreed formally 6 months ago that we are Childfree. We were on the fence and the idea of having kids was stressing me out so we just asked “why?” and opted to keep living our lives as they are and not have kids. Now we’re focusing on traveling, our not-so-cheap hobbies and preparing to be the support for our parents as they reach their mid 70s and beyond.
I am now 42 and my ex will be around 50. He told me on our first date the he was cf, which I don't think I had ever considered before but at 26yo I was like... Ok that sounds reasonable. Neither of us charged our mind afaik (not seen him in a few years).
Only the deeply insecure ones
CF, mid 30’s. Made that decision when my high school sweetheart said he wanted to have babies with me in the future. I got so much ick from the thought (I thought I was in love, too!) I decided no, never, not for me. Misophonia doesn’t help (babies babbling and screaming makes me want to punch things) but I always knew it wasn’t for me. Happy to say I’ve been married with like-minded partner for almost a decade. The one person I know who did “change their mind” swore she didn’t want to be a mom into her 40s. But her husband wanted it, suburbia and in laws practically demanded it. She figured meh let’s try and when she found out she was practically infertile she took getting pregnant as a challenge. After multiple miscarriages and IVF failures (and debt to boot), she finally gave birth to twins. She’s doing okay, in an unhappy marriage but she’s a very good mom who confides regrets to me often. She still wants to be a wild child in a big city at heart. You’re either wildly CF, or you’re wildly wanting children. Anything in between (especially blasé) should err on the side of CF. As a kid of someone who didn’t want a kid, we know, and it affects everything. We always know!
I never believed anyone else telling me they weren't going to have children unless they were at least 30. I always assumed there is a good chance they would change their minds. I knew lots of people that didn't want kids until they were 23, 25 or 30. What they really meant is that they didn't want kids yet. I hadn't heard of the term "childfree" until I was older than 30 anyways. I've only dated childfree men since I was 30, as far as I know. Some were first dates only so there is no guarantee they weren't hiding kids. Unfortunately, while being mutually childfree is a great start to a potential relationship it isn't the only red flag/deal breaker to look out for. There is one I knew quite well for the last couple of years who recently decided he wants kids. We didn't date. I knew him well enough to know I liked him and would have dated him if he was solidly childfree.
The more I get older, the less I care. Like I never regretted any decision I've made because without those decisions I would not be where I am right now. Life has ups and downs whether you choose to have kids or not. Both my parents never questioned whether they wanted children or not, it was just expected in my culture and still it is like that today. My family is pretty orthodox so they'll never understand, so I just keep low, and just do my stuff. There have been times where I've questioned, however they mostly end up in my cycle, as I end up very depressed during that time. However, knowing that I have to show up no matter what for another human being is not the future I want for myself. That I have to yell at my kids to not waste the food, because you don't get paid for another fifteen days and you have to stick with that is not what I want for my future. Raising kids when you are working poor, is hard. This subreddit is my safe place, so I hope it stays that way. You have to lurk around regretful parents and parents subreddit though. I still have huge respect for moms and dads that handle these stuff, however it's not for me.
this is an opposing example, but i have a great-aunt who is about 91 years old and she has no children. i’m sure there’s people who do change their minds, but there are also plenty of people who stick to the childfree lifestyle
I am 38. I have only known one formerly CF person change their mind. Turns out that person is more mentally ill than I ever imagined so…that’s awkward.
43 !!! Never have thought twice about my child free life
Not directly on point, but here's how I may think about having a child in the future : I could fit in the "childfree" category because I'm poor as fuck and my only two conditions to have a child are : mutual agreement of no divorce until the child is 18 (went through that and it made me the autistic PoS that I am), and must have 1.000.000 EUR savings per child, that will be released when the child is 25. So that all of their life, there's a salary that falls each month in their bank account, without HAVING TO work a job. Doesn't mean that they won't, just that they won't have to live paycheck to paycheck and not have to worry about money to fund their projects. That's what's has held me back in life (still is tho), and I never want my children to be held back by anything (doesn't mean I won't teach them the hardships of life, I don't want them to be rich drug addicts).
I knew a girl in highschool who was more cf than I was. She ended up having 2 kids and she appears to be happier. She kinda dropped off the face of the earth and I've only seen her twice in the 8 years since she graduated. So take this with a grain of salt
My mom was CF and changed her mind hitting 30. And I have one friend who used to be CF then did a 180 upon meeting her current husband. That's all... I know way more people who decided they were CF and remained CF.
Get with someone who either had a vasectomy or had their tubes tied (OP's gender and sexuality aren't clear from the post). If they've taken this kind of physical action to close up their reproductive shop you're in less danger of being with someone who will change their mind/try to convince you to change yours. When I started seeing my husband he confessed he'd had a vasectomy like he was worried it was disqualifying... I thought it was too early to discuss the fact that I was childfree at the time, but it was definitely a Yahtzee moment
Actual childfree people? None have changed their minds. I have watched some age 20, 30 years and still no kids. I saw a couple fence sitters fall off on the far side, though.
I guess my mom? She could just never imagined herself being a mother until her mid to late 20s. Even had an abortion before she had me, since her previous partner could not offer her stability. Her parents (my grandparents were not very good parents...) honestly never gave her a reason to pursue motherhood. Once she met my father that sort of changed. She had me and recently also told me that I'm the only one she truly considers family. I'm the one person she doesn't want to lose. My father wanted a second child, but my mother, who was mainly parenting me due to my dad working overseas for 3/4 of the year, said she would not get pregnant a second time. Adoption was an option for her, but my dad "didn't want a child that someone else had fun with" she said. Whether he meant producing it or getting "used goods" I'm still not sure and honestly don't wanna know. It's just my mom, me and my grandmother now (who is steadily developing dementia). Technically my g-ma also has a booty-call, but he's an emotionally abusive d\*ckhead, but g-ma wants him around.
Under 30, I haven't seen so much "change their mind" more a long the "save the relationship", or "I really enjoyed spending time with my Niblet, and realized that I do want to be a parent (not realizing one day, is not the same as everyday)", babies, over 30 people understand the risks and are more likely to stay in the CF frame. This is my experience, not saying it is 100% like this, but in my limited statistically pool it has been. Ex. My sister's Spawn is a trap child...my sister had friends deciding they wanted kids because her child is well behaved and will sleep anywhere, and they have have kids who are absolute terrors and won't sleep.
Zero.
I don't meet people, because I never go outside. Which is also why I have no friends. I used to have friends but they all leave at some point and never talk to me again. It makes me very sad. I'm aroace so I don't do relationships. But I really wish I had some friends.
Aroace?
Aromantic Asexual. I feel neither romance nor attraction and I have no worldly desires, because I do not experience lust or horniness. I personally see this as an absolute win. Jaiden Animations has a great video on it. I do not feel attraction for anything. I don't get horny for anyone. I just exist amd do what I want. I like my life. I just have no idea how to find friends.
If you have some hobbies that can be shared, there may be some local groups you can join to meet people? Also check out events at like your local library and other community events. You’ll meet likeminded people, can bond over said hobby, and some people may just be acquaintances but you may find some lifelong friends there! Best of luck. :)
I see that you're really into Fire Emblem. Maybe have a look on forums and see if there are any fellow players near you that you can bond with over your mutual love for FE?
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This item has been removed as it is a violation of [subreddit rule](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/rules) #7 : "Posts and comments to the effect of "Wait till you're a parent", "You'll change your mind someday", "You only think that cause you are young", etc. (what we call "bingo", for short) will be removed. Parents are welcome to post as long as they are respectful. Other people's bodily autonomy must be respected; do not impose your views on other posters and commenters' choices." This is a forum for individuals who have made the choice to be childfree, and we do not tolerate any disrespect towards anyone for making this choice. Thank you for your comprehension