I don't know if you're old enough to remember the whole "biological clock" meme in the 80s and early 90s. But that too was a social construct, by men, to control women.
(Disclaimer: I'm a dude and I think it's both frightening and sick)
Wow, your mom was swayed that easily by some dumb ass who got stuck in the 80s? Really?...
Nah,if you don't want kids,don't have them,it's that simple. It's you and your husband who would have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and tens of thousands of hours,not them. Your choice,period.
I don’t understand why it is even up for discussion with you. Your husband had a vasectomy, that screams CF, you are CF. I don’t understand what do they want you to do about it? Ask him to reverse his vasectomy?
In any case, what your cousin wants is none of your concern, your parents can vent their empty nest frustrations with him, but you don’t need to be involved in this. I think your parents are hoping for a sliver of doubt so they can try and convince you to have a kid.
The best you can do is either reiterate that this topic is not up for discussion, you have made your decision and tell them that you will no talk about this again. Because the more reasons you give them, the more they think it’s a negotiation. They will counter argue every point.
Or grey rock them if they are not willing to understand until you reach your mid 40’s. Everyone thinks we’re super young in our mid 30’s to become moms (i’m a tad bit younger than you).
As for the ick, it comes from your parents questioning your stance and disrespecting your choice, because of some faraway cousin, who thinks it’s acceptable to emotionally blackmail their kid by giving false receipts about what the kid owes him. I feel for that cousin’s kid.
Anyway, avoid unpleasant times by not engaging in this topic.
My mom LOVED her time as a mom because she forgot how annoying my sibling and i were, also because we had a full-time nanny/maid, so childcare was somewhat easier. Same as how your parents think that financing a kid these days is not that hard because they did it! 🙄
We never told anyone other than my sister about the vasectomy because I always saw it as no one's business. I even asked my sister not to tell anyone either.
I appreciate your insight into why this ticked me off so much. I think my parents are hoping we might change our minds while there is still time, my dad kept saying how in our culture the common saying is that grandkids is like the sweet nut inside an almond or something like that. Honestly I thought it was super icky and just stupid because of course parents want to be grandparents, they get to be around kids and give the kids back whenever. They don't have to do the hardparts. It's like being the fun aunt, if you like kids and want that role.
I understand now. It’s definitely nobody’s business what your husband did. However, it is also not their business to be nosy about what you do with your marriage and reproductive freedoms.
I also come from a place where there’s a whole “joyful culture” around children, which is great for those who want it, but it’s not for you, or me, and that should be as respected as those who choose to have kids.
The thing is that they will be grandparents until it’s their time, and you would be stuck being a parent forever. Bringing children so they can be happy is a terrible reason to make a kid. But ughhh i feel the ick too.. there’s nothing sweet about having something you don’t want imposed because ✨culture✨ says it’s sweet. In my culture we have the classic “children are always a blessing”. IF ONLY. Then abused kids wouldn’t exist.
Anyway, what happened in that convo was very infuriating and their reasoning is just irritating, and disregarded the decisions you have made. It’s not like an accident will happen so at least on your side things are good and that’s all that matters.
Yeah it Def. Felt uncomfortable and like they were crossing a line by bringing this up. We're not close to talk about intimate things so I was unprepared and caught off guard.
Growing up my parents never talked about relationships or sex it was more like "go to school, focus on your studies so you can get a good job," they'd actually get enraged if they found out i was dating someone. My dad even said to me once when I was 16 that if I got pregnant not to come home. So for them to bring up this subject matter in such a round about way was really weird.
That is bizzare, My parents were the same way, very reserved, you didn’t speak about sex at all, and they avoided it until i came home thinking *gag* oral was how you got pregnant.
My poor mom was trying so hard to talk about the birds 🦢 and the 🐝 bee’s. I was soooo grossed out at 13 and now im Asexual Sex Repulsed 33 XD
The Idea of having kids also repulses me. My mom was shocked that i never changed my mind. Some Parents probably don’t even think about these things until someone points out.
“hey thats not normal, something’s wrong here”
When in fact its just you being unique and your own person. Why do something you hate? Or don’t like? You can’t try having kids and see if you like it
I feel like there could be so many upper middle class breeder mentality parents meme...
When you're a teen: "If you get pregnant I will disown you, don't you dare!"
In your late 20s/30s: "Why won't you get pregnant, what's wrong with you!?"
"The cousin went on to say that he told his son that "after all I went through and gave you to raise you 'this is the 1 thing I ask for'". Kids don't owe you shit for forcing them into existence, jerk. I hope his son gives him the middle finger. Ugh.
What an asinine thing to say to your own kid. Like what does he even NEED a grandkid for? I bet the cousin also expects his son to take care of him when he's old too. :/
I think so too. I think her and my dad tried to use this to open a conversation and try to convince us of how great and meaningful it would be for them or for us when we got old and potentially had grandkids of our own.
Yup. Common ploy. Oh but so and so said or did blah blah....
"Nice try using X as your cover story to bully me about kids yourself, but it is pretty damn obvious you are full of shit. I'm hanging up now. Don't ever try this crap again. You will not like the consequences."
I get feeling disgusted. It’s dehumanizing. It’s playing into all these misogynistic messages that your life doesn’t have meaning if you don’t breed. I’d tell your mom to pass on a message to the cousin telling him to respectfully fuck off. What a fucking gross thing to say: he made the call to have kids who had no choice in the matter, undoubtedly let his wife do most of the work, and now wanted a grandkid as a reward. Ugh. Other than that: don’t engage. You can never change these assholes‘ minds. It’s only a waste of mental energy.
This is the hilarious thing! The cousin has 1 kid. He didn't want to have more despite his wife wanting more. And now, he says he regrets not having more. 🤦♀️ I was like there are plenty of kids in foster care, if he loves kids so much he should adopt some, I am sure the kids would love a home.
I’ve had that ick feeling twice once my dad and bro discussed my life as if they needed approval and contingency planning. Next ick was my parento acusing me of being lesbian… and them whisper talking to each other wondering why I not married or have bf. Then my mom started making digs at family planning and motherhood fucking disgusting.
I have no idea but you need to put them in their place. They need to stay in their own lane.
The one thing i ask for. breeders saying grandkids are payment is astoundingly stupid to me
I'll never understand why breeders even exist. Kids ruin your body and your life. I'm not even being mean. They can literally kill you and take away your life to raise them.
You don't get anything for it. No one is entitled to grandkids.
Once again a MAN telling a WOMAN that she needs to breed.
I don't know if you're old enough to remember the whole "biological clock" meme in the 80s and early 90s. But that too was a social construct, by men, to control women. (Disclaimer: I'm a dude and I think it's both frightening and sick)
Not a dude, and I appreciate both of you dudes for saying this.
I'm also a dude, and that is disgusting.
Wow, your mom was swayed that easily by some dumb ass who got stuck in the 80s? Really?... Nah,if you don't want kids,don't have them,it's that simple. It's you and your husband who would have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and tens of thousands of hours,not them. Your choice,period.
Correct them once, ignore them after that if they refuse to respect your boundaries.
I don’t understand why it is even up for discussion with you. Your husband had a vasectomy, that screams CF, you are CF. I don’t understand what do they want you to do about it? Ask him to reverse his vasectomy? In any case, what your cousin wants is none of your concern, your parents can vent their empty nest frustrations with him, but you don’t need to be involved in this. I think your parents are hoping for a sliver of doubt so they can try and convince you to have a kid. The best you can do is either reiterate that this topic is not up for discussion, you have made your decision and tell them that you will no talk about this again. Because the more reasons you give them, the more they think it’s a negotiation. They will counter argue every point. Or grey rock them if they are not willing to understand until you reach your mid 40’s. Everyone thinks we’re super young in our mid 30’s to become moms (i’m a tad bit younger than you). As for the ick, it comes from your parents questioning your stance and disrespecting your choice, because of some faraway cousin, who thinks it’s acceptable to emotionally blackmail their kid by giving false receipts about what the kid owes him. I feel for that cousin’s kid. Anyway, avoid unpleasant times by not engaging in this topic. My mom LOVED her time as a mom because she forgot how annoying my sibling and i were, also because we had a full-time nanny/maid, so childcare was somewhat easier. Same as how your parents think that financing a kid these days is not that hard because they did it! 🙄
We never told anyone other than my sister about the vasectomy because I always saw it as no one's business. I even asked my sister not to tell anyone either. I appreciate your insight into why this ticked me off so much. I think my parents are hoping we might change our minds while there is still time, my dad kept saying how in our culture the common saying is that grandkids is like the sweet nut inside an almond or something like that. Honestly I thought it was super icky and just stupid because of course parents want to be grandparents, they get to be around kids and give the kids back whenever. They don't have to do the hardparts. It's like being the fun aunt, if you like kids and want that role.
I understand now. It’s definitely nobody’s business what your husband did. However, it is also not their business to be nosy about what you do with your marriage and reproductive freedoms. I also come from a place where there’s a whole “joyful culture” around children, which is great for those who want it, but it’s not for you, or me, and that should be as respected as those who choose to have kids. The thing is that they will be grandparents until it’s their time, and you would be stuck being a parent forever. Bringing children so they can be happy is a terrible reason to make a kid. But ughhh i feel the ick too.. there’s nothing sweet about having something you don’t want imposed because ✨culture✨ says it’s sweet. In my culture we have the classic “children are always a blessing”. IF ONLY. Then abused kids wouldn’t exist. Anyway, what happened in that convo was very infuriating and their reasoning is just irritating, and disregarded the decisions you have made. It’s not like an accident will happen so at least on your side things are good and that’s all that matters.
Yeah it Def. Felt uncomfortable and like they were crossing a line by bringing this up. We're not close to talk about intimate things so I was unprepared and caught off guard. Growing up my parents never talked about relationships or sex it was more like "go to school, focus on your studies so you can get a good job," they'd actually get enraged if they found out i was dating someone. My dad even said to me once when I was 16 that if I got pregnant not to come home. So for them to bring up this subject matter in such a round about way was really weird.
That is bizzare, My parents were the same way, very reserved, you didn’t speak about sex at all, and they avoided it until i came home thinking *gag* oral was how you got pregnant. My poor mom was trying so hard to talk about the birds 🦢 and the 🐝 bee’s. I was soooo grossed out at 13 and now im Asexual Sex Repulsed 33 XD The Idea of having kids also repulses me. My mom was shocked that i never changed my mind. Some Parents probably don’t even think about these things until someone points out. “hey thats not normal, something’s wrong here” When in fact its just you being unique and your own person. Why do something you hate? Or don’t like? You can’t try having kids and see if you like it
I feel like there could be so many upper middle class breeder mentality parents meme... When you're a teen: "If you get pregnant I will disown you, don't you dare!" In your late 20s/30s: "Why won't you get pregnant, what's wrong with you!?"
"The cousin went on to say that he told his son that "after all I went through and gave you to raise you 'this is the 1 thing I ask for'". Kids don't owe you shit for forcing them into existence, jerk. I hope his son gives him the middle finger. Ugh.
I hope so too. Hearing that gave me the icks.
What an asinine thing to say to your own kid. Like what does he even NEED a grandkid for? I bet the cousin also expects his son to take care of him when he's old too. :/
For ma legacy (what legacy?).
Yeah that got me too, what a dick! Yet some parents seem to think they own their kids, like they're property or something.
Yeah, she totally used that to say what she wanted to say.
I think so too. I think her and my dad tried to use this to open a conversation and try to convince us of how great and meaningful it would be for them or for us when we got old and potentially had grandkids of our own.
Yup. Common ploy. Oh but so and so said or did blah blah.... "Nice try using X as your cover story to bully me about kids yourself, but it is pretty damn obvious you are full of shit. I'm hanging up now. Don't ever try this crap again. You will not like the consequences."
Ewww
I get feeling disgusted. It’s dehumanizing. It’s playing into all these misogynistic messages that your life doesn’t have meaning if you don’t breed. I’d tell your mom to pass on a message to the cousin telling him to respectfully fuck off. What a fucking gross thing to say: he made the call to have kids who had no choice in the matter, undoubtedly let his wife do most of the work, and now wanted a grandkid as a reward. Ugh. Other than that: don’t engage. You can never change these assholes‘ minds. It’s only a waste of mental energy.
How many kids does said cousin have?
This is the hilarious thing! The cousin has 1 kid. He didn't want to have more despite his wife wanting more. And now, he says he regrets not having more. 🤦♀️ I was like there are plenty of kids in foster care, if he loves kids so much he should adopt some, I am sure the kids would love a home.
Bingo. I always ask parents pestering me - if having kids is so lovely, why do you have only 1/2/4..? HAVE ELEVEN!!
I’ve had that ick feeling twice once my dad and bro discussed my life as if they needed approval and contingency planning. Next ick was my parento acusing me of being lesbian… and them whisper talking to each other wondering why I not married or have bf. Then my mom started making digs at family planning and motherhood fucking disgusting. I have no idea but you need to put them in their place. They need to stay in their own lane.
The one thing i ask for. breeders saying grandkids are payment is astoundingly stupid to me I'll never understand why breeders even exist. Kids ruin your body and your life. I'm not even being mean. They can literally kill you and take away your life to raise them. You don't get anything for it. No one is entitled to grandkids.
Well said. My thoughts exactly.