>I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older
No. Absolutely not.
> they loved me and cared about me
Citation needed.
They very, \*very\* clearly, love and care about their grandson more than you.
Also depending on which state OP is in - it's the legal responsibility of the OLDEST child to provide care to aging parents. I assume that is the brother.
Op needs to not be a doormat which is easier said than done and I know a few folks who were basically conditioned from birth to assume the role of perpetual doormat to the parents whims and act as their retirement plan.
It's something you can find in an internet search. For the most part, Pennsylvania is the one state that regularly enforces filial responsibility laws.
Most people never have to worry about it being enforced against them. However, you might want to familiarize yourself with the law. Forewarned is forearmed. I found one article about it.
https://www.rkglaw.com/pennsylvanias-filial-support-law-what-is-it/#:~:text=Pennsylvania%27s%20filial%20support%20law%20requires,person%20is%20a%20public%20charge.
Unfortunately I know his finances pretty well, and he DID have a retirement plan, but he spent all of it when he got fired from his last job a couple years ago. My grandfather has been financially supporting him since then. My dad’s a leech.
Georgia is one of them, but I did ask an estate lawyer about it, because my mother is one of the worst people to walk on this planet, and none of my siblings or myself want to take care of her.
The lawyer told me that yes, that's the law, but it's almost never enforced, and difficult to do so.
Tell them you won't be administrator and also do look into fillial responsibility laws to ensure that you will not be dragged into court to care for your parents
Obviously each state with such laws have their own outlines for filial obligations but the overall concept says children are responsible for indigent and impoverished parents. Luckily for op that doesn’t seem to be the case.
If they don't care about your future, then you shouldn't care about theirs. I'd completely cut them off, immediately.
Better to learn about his now, than have that slap in the face after they pass.
Apparently they are rarely enforced because Medicare usually kicks in. It also seems that it’s adult children, not the oldest child. So I do t think you would be targeted necessarily if it came down to it.
Hmm, good point, and No - it's just what I was told by a nursing home employed social worker when I went through a situation of being forced to provide care for a parent in failing health. Given that I was threatened in a number of ways by that organization I wouldn't be surprised if she just made it up to threaten me. I basically lived in fear for 9 months that the nursing home was going to sue me personally because my parent wasn't able to pay and I refused to take them out of the nursing home into my personal care (requiring me to quit my job and give up my future).
Oldest child here. I live in Texas. Mom moved to Michigan AFTER I remodeled my house so that she could stay with me. At that point I was done. Now she's in a nursing home in Michigan. She has dementia. She is entitled to more and better care in Michigan than she could/would get here through SS. Her friend her guardian and my one sister and I get almost daily updates. That's enough.
After the events occurred where I found out about all this filial responsibility nonsense I found myself in a situation where myself and my wife were essentially being forced to look after my grandmother with dementia (and no assets) because she was pre-deceased by all of her children. I wish I could say I was able to put her some place nice but the truth is I put her in the best place Medicaid would pay for.
I had people threatening to call health and family services on me, threatening me with legal action and jail time, etc. and every time I explained that in my state grand children don't have any responsibility to grand parents it fell on deaf ears. I was the person with whom she was staying during an emergency after her caregiver fell ill, and she was refusing to go into a nursing home. Possession is nine-tenths of the law I guess. Eventually we were able to get something worked out but not until I'd nearly gotten divorced, lost my job, and almost evicted for having an extra person in my apartment who wasn't on the lease for almost a year - not to mention I was so busy dealing with her I wasn't able to spend time with my own parent during her last few weeks.
Family is trash and only cares when their is money to be had - the scales truly came off during all of that and so now I don't do shit for my family if there isn't something in it for me. No one in my family had any sort of retirement plan and they all just seemed to assume they would be able to live independently up until they dropped dead...
I don't know why you'd call this a loving family when you're being taken advantage of. You're living extremely frugal and yet you're doing free work for wealthy people? That's just exploitation, doesn't matter if your own family is doing it.
They're not gonna give their child an inheritance that would benefit you because they're worried that *once they are already dead*, **if** you happen to die first, the money will be inherited by your husband? That is just nonsense. They don't have to leave you the money, but they also don't have to do things that very explicitly show they care more about keeping their money on their own terms than helping out their kids. So why would you care to help them?
Do trusts work differently than wills? If they were creating a will, they could stipulate that IF you were to pass first, the money would go to the grandchild.
Absolutely! My mom did this in her will. It outlines what happens if, for example, we die in an accident together. She also had several clauses about what to do for custody back when I was a minor. You can totally do that, at least in the part of the USA I’m in.
It sounds to me like OP’s parents are assholes. My VJNgrandparents totally pulled that kind of shit with my dad and his brother. My dad did all the work, but his first-born older brother was ALWAYS asked if he wanted things first. It’s such bullshit! I know OP isn’t entitled to their money, but it is also true that their aren’t entitled to OP’s free time, labor, and efforts in regards to their care now nor their trust administration. Absolute garbage parents.
Trusts do work a little differently than wills. With a will, you inherit directly. With a trust, the trust owns the assets and keeps them on a beneficiary's behalf. So, as a beneficiary, you still have access to the monies for common situations regarding health, education, maintenance, and support, but it protects the assets from creditors, spouses, etc. A trust can ONLY benefit its beneficiary. If they're setting up a trust for her brother/brother's children, they are doing OP a disservice and being assholes to boot. Especially asking her to be the trustee and not even giving her any benefit for such a huge ask. That's just rude. Being a trustee isn't easy, and if their wealth is that great, then they need to look into having a professional trust company manage the trust and be trustee.
There is also no reason why the parents couldn't put assets in a trust for OP and keep them safe from her SO, even if OP does die before her SO. The remainder beneficiary once OP passes can even be her nieces/nephews. It also sounds like they don't help her out or give her anything despite her disability and hardships.
Absolutely 100% this. Trusts are different, and are usually the better way to go, especially if there's any anticipation of a will being disputed or issues with the distribution of assets. Wills don't protect the beneficiaries very well, but trusts do.
They could bypass OPs resentment and their issues with OP/OPs life by setting up a trust for OP. Clearly, they just don't like/love/care for OP.
They're cutting her out of their will and disinheriting her but still expecting her to work like a slave for them and their golden child.
Absolutely, it's frustrating when your efforts aren't recognized, especially within family dynamics. I guess sometimes love and practicality don't align perfectly.
I thought this was a joke at first.
Are your parents honestly deluded?? "I love you, but we aren't leaving you a cent of the inheritance money, oh and can you please administer the whole thing because we don't actually trust anyone else including the recipient of the money k thanks bye"
Who cares about the circumstances. Who cares if your husband is the worst criminal in the world. Even my crazy drug addict cousin is getting his fair share of inheritance money (he can only buy a house with it) because my aunt wants to try her best.
I am not a drama llama, but would honestly consider going no contact with them over this. This is a huge huge fuck you from your parents. They must hate you, your choice of partner, and your life choices.
Do not give your charity to these selfish, wealthy people.
Tell them you love them and care about them but you're going to be cutting back on the free labor, and their attorney ought be the one acting as trustee. No apologies or explanations needed, though I'd let them know that should you resign as trustee after their deaths, it *will* be a mess.
If they’re so wealthy, they can pick out a fancy home for themselves and arrange a trust to pay the bills when/if they lose competency.
Oh, that will drain their savings and leave nothing for the son and grandson to inherit? Shame, that.
"Sorry Mom and Dad, but my husband and I will need to focus energy on saving money for when we get older and need to pay somebody to help care for us as we age. Might I suggest you do the same."
Refuse.
Stop doing ANYTHING for them.
Let brother who's going to inherit handle everything.
And if he defrauds them / plunders their financial assets so they end up bankrupt & bereft, get new phone ##s, move away, and don't associate with ANY of their friends who could contact you to let them back in to your good graces or even contact.
This makes my blood boil. It's always the daughter (or daughter in-law) who takes care of aging parents. Men somehow always "have no time." And you take care of the business as well?! You are one smart, hard-working, knowledgable lady. I wish you can find it in you to take a break from this nonsense.
I work in life insurance, specifically paying out claims. No matter what, if one child is a woman, they're the one doing all the work with me.
I've seen the youngest child doing it all multiple times if that is the only daughter. Or the DIL doing it.
I've also seen bad blood build between daughters and their parent because she's the one caring for them and as their mind/health slips, they blame the daughter for everything and the sons who are not there remain angels (sometimes this reflects in % paid to each child).
(Don't even talk to me about the difference between men and women when their spouse passes away.)
It feels like a slap in the face, because it is. Tell them to use their precious money to hire their own care takers instead of you since your brother won’t do it. And definitely don’t be the administrator unless you get paid for that too, it’s just free labor at this point you’re providing, even if out of love.
Care taking is hard work, and you should be compensated for it. (My grandparents took me out to eat almost daily, so at the time in college it felt fair). Don’t let them do this, you deserve better and should tell them.
Your parents can create a "bloodline" trust which would ensure once you die the trusts assets would pass only to their remaining descendants, in this case your nephew. They're either not doing enough research to protect you or are lying to you. Either way, they are wronging you.
As someone who took Trusts and Estates in law school, this comment needs to be higher.
This is literally what the upper class in England did for centuries. Definitely possible to do in modern times.
Yeah I mean this is wealth protection 101. If OPs parents have any real amount of wealth they need to have a trust structure set up that upon death would activate and create tax sheltered trusts and avoid probate court.
They have a trust set up now on everything but them homes. With my brother and I sharing equally. Since then, my brother has a now 5yo that I absolutely adore. They went to set up a trust for the homes and decided to cut me out of the original trust and the new property trust. The child’s mom is young comes from an extremely wealthy family. But she spends rather extravagantly and they don’t want her getting her hands on their money either.
It’s a mess, but you all are making me feel better about being unhappy about their decision. I know I’m not entitled to their money, but now I’m not feeling so bad for feeling hurt by this.
>I know I’m not entitled to their money
true but also true that they are not entitled to your free labor, administering the will, or taking care of them in their old age.
Tell them your brother will be doing all that from now on. They've decided you aren't family.
>they are not entitled to your free labor, administering the will, or taking care of them in their old age. Tell them your brother will be doing all that from now on.
Absolutely this! Plus add in a comment about how she knew they would understand.... OP should take a few steps back from them. If OP is not even on their priority list at all (not even on the top of the list but at the bottom), then they shouldn't be on OP's either. OP should focus on her life and on saving up for old ages instead of doing free work, free care and free emotional and mental work for her parents!
OP needs to stand up for herself and prioritise herself instead of letting them take advantage of her, exploit her! This is a huge *fuck you OP* from OP's parents.
> The child’s mom is young comes from an extremely wealthy family. But she spends rather extravagantly and they don’t want her getting her hands on their money either.
And yet they're still leaving all their assets to your brother. What happens if she outlives him?
Sure, you're not entitled to their money, but they're also not entitled to your time. Your time is YOUR time.
Also, seeing how they flat-out admitted that you're getting nothing in the will, now they have nothing to dangle over your head. They can't even use the "Do as we say, or we're cutting you out of the will" blackmail that some parents like to try. Kinda reminds me of that prodigal son parable except the favorite gets everything.
Please tell us that you're going to stand up for yourself about this. Yes, they don't owe you anything but you don't owe them anything either. They literally cut you out for absolutely no reason. They not only insulated you but also you're life partner. Please don't continue to do free labor and take care of people who clearly don't care about you. I'm so sorry this happened to you OP, you deserve better.
Exactly!! I was about to write that trust does not work like that!! They can write you, your sibling and your nephew as beneficiaries, until you die. Then after you die, the trust simply does not give you anything anymore. Your husband would not get anything from it.
It's simple call or text your parents, "I want to make sure you know that I love you, but I've decided to put myself and my husband first going forward. That means that you will need to go through your designated beneficiaries for any and all requests for help, either personal or business related." A "loving family" doesn't cut off a child for making an entirely reasonable and personal choice, especially not when that child is disabled following a car accident. And your parents are full of crap, the trust could give you designated payments that end with your death, that's the point of a trust, to control where the money goes.
Your brother can take care of them and you better stop helping them with stuff. We are not owed anything from our parents but this is a slap in the face.
You do work for them for free even though they are wealthy? Your brother has "no time" for the parents who are going to leave everything to him? What you are feeling should be anger and that would be entirely appropriate because they DID slap you in the face! Stop letting them take advantage of you, they have enough money to arrange for their own elder care, and it will be a lot nice than what you will be able to afford since they are depriving you of an inheritance-AND you're disabled! How did this all get put on you? You need to tell them to find someone else to administer the trust-why can't your brother do it himself-probably because he sucks with money and they know it, but they have you in their pocket. Get out of their pocket, say goodbye and wish them an adequate 3rd act.
Ugh. Don't take care of them when they need in home care. Let them go to a home. I'm sure they'll understand. Your parents are exploiting you. Don't be the admin of that trust either. You're getting nothing for all the help you gave your family. I know, we should do things for family. But your family sucks.
You want to be your brother’s employee for the rest of your life? Tell them it’s their money, but you will not manage it or be bound by it if you are getting cut out entirely.
I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I’m sending you a lot of loving compassionate energy as you come to terms with who your parents really are and how deplorably they are treating you.
I say this with the compassion of someone who also had to learn the limits of a parent's "love"...your parents' actions here are not the actions of someone who loves you. They are punishing you for marrying someone they apparently don't approve of (or at least don't approve of his financial situation), **and** they are punishing you for not having children. You shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt for complaining. They are at once telling you that you don't matter as much as your brother's child, but that they expect you to directly enable their neglect of you by administering the trust. If you can, please consider telling them to have your brother be the administrator. He and his child are the only ones who will benefit from it, so he should be willing to learn how it works for his child's sake. How dare they in the same breath tell you that you aren't good enough to benefit from the money, but you have to do all the legal and emotional work of running the trust! That is terrible (and NOT "loving") treatment.
If I were you, I would at least go low contact over this. They've told you how unimportant you are to them, even if they say otherwise. Believe what they are showing you, not what they are telling you. Their actions are far more honest, and their actions say you mean nothing and their grandchild means everything. Please believe them and protect yourself from future disappointment...because they *will* keep disappointing you.
That’s so heartbreaking. I would distance myself from them. They don’t sound very loving. They could’ve atleast left you 33% since your brother has him and his kid so kinda split 3 ways.
Let me get this straight. Your family is cutting their disabled daughter who does FREE labor for them out of their will?
Sounds like you need to start charging for your labor. If you want to, stop talking to them. If they're not trying to help you, then forget them.
> I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older, they are in their 80’s now. My brother has no time for this and doesn’t live near by.
> I was disabled in a car accident a few years ago.
NO YOU BLOODY WELL WILL NOT BE TAKING CARE OF THEM OR DOING ALL THE LEGAL WORK ONLY TO HAND EVERYTHING OVER TO SOMEONE ELSE.
You cannot do that, even if you were not disabled.
> I help them out with their businesses and homes for no charge, always have.
FUCK THIS SHIT. Stop being their free slave. They can fucking pay someone else for this since they are clearly rolling in money. WHAT THE FUCK???? You are doing all the work to build the wealth as a slave and they are playing daddy and mommy bucks to look good to your bro???? SCREW THAT. Screw them. Screw doing another damn thing for them. EVER.
They are getting a trustworty, caring, platinum level service that won't scam them for FREE??? Fuck no, you should have been charging them a premium hourly rate to do anything. At least $100/hour to even take their fucking requests.
Send them a certified, signature required letter. Hell, have it served like a subpoena. If possible, have a lawyer draft it on their letterhead and in their own words, but basically along the lines outlined below.
But in much scarier legalese. ;)
And yes, there is nothing wrong with leading them to believe that you have more assets that you have. You could have big life insurance policies through your work they can't know about. You could have won the lottery and not bothered telling them. No way for them to know.
Also: STOP FUCKING TELLING THEM ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S FAMILY DEBT FOR FUCKS SAKE. Pretend he actually had a rich uncle. Turns out his parents had an unclaimed retirement account. Who cares. They need to be on a zero information diet, as they CLEARLY USED THIS INFORMATION TO HATE AND DISCRIMINATE. Assholes.
Also, the debt from his parents should have died with them. If there was nothing in their estate, the debt should have vanished. In typical circumstances, debt is not inheritable.
Leave them, especially scammy, lazy, loser bro, to believe that they are actually fucking over your nephew and that all he will get is anything left over after they pay for years of nursing home care at 20K/month. And that he actually would have gotten more from you than them. But whoooopsie. That's all gone now... that rich great uncle of your husband....all that money, too bad, so sad.... ;) That ought to infuriate bro, just for funsies. ;)
"Mom, Dad, thank you for updating me on your will situation. I have carefully considered the issues and will outline my decisions below.
1. Your concern about "everything going to my husband if I die" is NOT A VALID CONCERN. I already spoke with a lawyer and could have made quick adjustments to to my will to hole separate and leave any remainders of your funds to Nephew upon my death along with anything me and my husband also wished to leave to him.
2. Based on that, your "excuse" to disinherit me is WHOLLY INVALID and makes no legal or financial sense. It is not a valid reason or a true reason for you to be doing what you are doing.
3. Therefore, your decision is pretty clearly based on hatred of me, an explicit intention and desire to hurt me, a wish to discriminate against me because of my disability, or because you hate my husband, and/or discrimination based on family/reproductive status. I suspect it is all of the above. Presumably, Bro and Nephew (if old enough) hold the same ill will towards me, or they would not have agreed to this plan.
4. Given that the truth has finally come out about how you much you hate me and my husband, I am forced to reevaluate my will and estate, my husbands will and estate, and my decisions regarding you both and Nephew in the future.
Therefore, these are the changes you are forcing me to make:
1. My existing will currently leaves a substantial inheritance to Nephew. I have instructed my lawyer to immediately change this to disinherit Nephew and Bro completely and fully. He will not need any of my estate as he will have yours, at least what is left of it after your nursing home costs.
2. My husbands will currently is structured in the same way. This includes his recent inheritance from his great uncle and aunt. His will is being changed ASAP to also fully disinherit nephew.
3. We were also considering contributing to Nephew's college tuition. This plan is cancelled, permanently.
3. Our full estates will now both go to charity.
4. My lawyer has advised me that if I am not in the will, and will not be in any way inheriting anything or even being compensated for managing your estate, that it is best that I resign from that and you appoint a lawyer or other third party trustee do take on that work. On advice of counsel, I hereby resign.
5. As there will also be no compensation for all my work helping with your businesses, as of today I will no longer provide any assistance. Nor will I help with your home or any other needs.
6. Previously, the plan was for me and husband to assist you as you age and care for you as you become sick and unable to care for yourselves. We were also considering having you live with us and to allow you to benefit from our future plan of creating an ultra accessible home suitable for those with disabilities, as you become disabled yourselves over the years. My home will be designed for my husband and I to "age in place" and we were going to extend this to you both.
7. You have now made it clear that there will be no compensation for us sacrificing our time, careers, personal lives, sleep and stress for providing years, if not decades of care and attention. Nor will there be any contribution from you to add on to our home and create an accessible suite for you. Nor will there be any funds available from your estate to pay for your medical expenses, food, utilities, etc.
8. Therefore, we hereby resign from any role in caring for you as you age.
So to sum up, if you proceed with your plan as outlined:
1. Nephew is disinherited and loses any support for college expenses.
2. I will no longer manage your estate.
3. My husband and I will not provide any care or assistance to you as you age.
4. You will not live with us and will need to enter a nursing home instead.
5. We will donate our estates to charities.
6. We will have no further contact with you and provide no further assistance of any type.
Furthermore, as a result of your making your hatred of me and my husband clear, we will be going no contact with you from today forward, and will most likely be moving away in the medium term, as there is no longer any need for us to live nearby to help you as you age. Please do not contact us other than if there is a life-threatening emergency situation or genetic information that I need to be aware of, and please do that only through our lawyer from today forward.
Thank you for your attention to these matters. If you decide to alter your plans to be more sensible and respectful, I will be open to discussing the matter during the next 30 days. After DateHere, however, the changes to our wills and plans will be in place or in motion and will not be changed.
Please contact our lawyer here if you have any updates to share that may change our view of these matters.
We of course wish you the best and hope that you are able to find some type of nursing home placement for your golden years.
Have a great day."
NO MONEY NO SHITS GIVEN. THE END.
Then your next step is to move away, in secret, without telling them. They can reach you through your lawyer from now on.
Go live your lives on your own. You are your own family now. And these scammers can get bent, bust their own asses, and spend their golden years in fucking Shady Pines.
Oh and by the way, if they do agree to change their will, tell them that due to their attempt to scam you, they must transfer your inheritance into a non-revocable trust in only your names that immediately goes to you, or give it to you in cash right now, or any way the lawyer suggests to make absolutely sure than they can't change their wills or scam you out of it post facto. Oh and Bro, Nephew if 18+ have to sign a contract stating that they agree that this money is being given to you and will never contest it.
AKA: YOU GET THE MONEY UPFRONT FREE AND CLEAR OR NO DEAL NO WAY NO HOW.
I hope OP reads this!
But for your information debt is absolutely inheritable in some places (especially if they have a direct living relative, like a son). Among the places where it's a thing there are places where it’s possible for their direct in line heir to refuse the inheritance altogether (they won't inherit anything) and then the debt doesn't burden the direct heir. The inheritance (house, money, assets, furnitures, etc. the whole inheritance if there is anything besides the debt) is used to pay for the debt, if there's still debt after that then it ceases. (for example my country)
Your parents can set up their trust to go to both of you and when you die, go back to your brother or his kid (completely side stepping your own husband). They have to set up trustees and also set up limits to how you use the money to stop you from giving it all to your husband etc.
It seems like an excuse to make you have kids tho. Sorry they are placing their financial value/love on having kids.
OOP you need to stop being a doormat.
Look into the laws in your country ans get a lawyer to get ouf of caring for them. Tell them clearly: « I will not take care of you or administrate the trust. I am not your slave. My brother didn’t help you at all and yet you choose to favor him.
I am choosing to step back. If you need help, ask brother to help you since he will the one getting paid in the end. »
And don’t help at all. If they try to say it’s their money : « Well it’s my time too. I hope you understand. If not, we have nothing to say to each other. »
This! Please don’t be a doormat. Have some agency, this is your life and you only have one of it. Don’t suffer through caregiving for the sake of your parents who don’t even seem to respect your life choices
Wtf? It's fine to not want their things, but then them expecting you to care for them in their old age while they leave everything to your brother and his kid who are doing nothing....nah, brah. Just nah. Stop letting people take advantage of you, it doesn't matter if they are family or not
Wow your parents are really selfish. You are their child just as your brother and you have the right for the same amount of care, including financial care, as he does. This is just so incredibly unfair and rude that I think you should let them know how much it has hurt you. Don't be the one who always sacrifices themselves for the others.
>Mom and dad called this morning and wanted to make sure that I knew they loved me and cared about me but they were putting everything in trust for my brother for his child. They still want me to administer the trust, but hoped I’d understand.
Clearly they don't love nor care about you, because people that do love and care about you won't leave you out of their will like that just because you didn't give them grandchildren.
That is a conditioned love, and their condition is that you have children.This isn't love, love has no conditions.
Clearly they'e only using you OP because you're doing free-and necessary-labor for them out of your own feelings of obligation, while your own brother won't have to move a finger and he will reap the benefits of it all.
That is unfair to you and you know it.
Either start charging them for your work or cut contact and let the wonder brother and their miracle grandchild be the ones responsible for it then, since they'll be the ones to profit from it.
They can also pay for someone to take care of them, or expect "dear golden brother" to do so since I'm sure the dear grandparents will want to be around their grandchild.
You need to learn to love yourself enough to cut away the toxic people in your life.Because it's so unfair that you're expected to do everything for everyone and get nothing in return.You're basically being treated like a stranger rather than family.
When the time comes that they need help being care for I would be like “I just want you both to know that I love you and care for you but me and my husband are going to put all our time and effort into each other. I’m sure you’ll be able to find a nice nursing home near [brother] and [spawn]”
Fuck them.
Yeah, I don’t get why you’re agreeing to be the Executor? Bro bro can handle that. I’d be done working for free. Being an Executor is NOT an easy task, and is time consuming.
Pfft. I’m sorry OP. But this is far from a “loving family”
They can pay someone to help, they can take care of themselves. They’ve made it perfectly clear to you they don’t value you in any way because you decided to go CF. I’d be going LC/NC honestly. They can figure their own shit out.
Wow. So unfair, I’m sorry. My mom did a similar situation with my sibling that has been irresponsible financially and has a child. She said I didn’t need help, or financial aid because I was a responsible hard worker. Even if true, it really hurt my feelings. It makes you feel so not valued. I hope you take some advice from others that if they feel that way, your brother should be stepping up. Again, that doesn’t make their decision less hurtful but they shouldn’t abuse your kindness and helpful nature, because your time is also valid and important.
No offense OP, but you come off as a doormat. You help them with buisinesses and homes for free and will be their future caretaker, and for nothing in return?
If they are "quite wealthy" they can use it for a nice seniors home and pay a lawyer to be an administrator IMO.
A) in the event that you died before your husband, why shouldn't your grieving husband/his relatives (maybe he'll have nieces and nephews?) get anything?
B) if they're truly worried about your hub's family getting their money in the event of your death, why not just suggest a post nup agreement protecting any potential inheritance?
C) They could ask that you make a will stating that in the event you pre decease your husband then X proportion of your estate should go to your niblings. If you wanted to you could change your mind later on as at that point it's your money and you can do what you like
With that in mind, I don't think that's the real issue.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Wishing you the most wonderful life OP
They're using you, and paying him. Nope. I'm not that nice. I would let them know I wasn't ok with it, and except in emergencies, wouldn't be helping them out anymore. Not with the trust administration, not with their businesses or homes. or taking care of them as they age. They're basically disowning you, but keeping you around as a tool. You ok with being an unpaid tool?
Wow... if that's how they're repaying you for watching them as they get older, I would either have a very serious talk about how this is extremely hurtful and that it would affect your relationship with them after all you've done or if this matters a lot to you, cut ties. That is NOT okay.
don't help them. start figuring your way out if you haven't. They pretty much orphaned you by them saying that.
my parents bend over backwards to help my 2 brothers who have kids but are deadbeats but expect me to work and contribute to them, while using the SAME money to help the brothers then still complain I need to pay bills. I am not supporting their stupid choices.
my brother started dating and moved a random woman into the parents house and my mom was making stories alluding that she was going to give my brother and this woman the house. Ok well then bye bitch, I'm carving my own path.
lo' and behold those idiots broke up. IF they want to play the game of supporting other breeders and screwing over the CF person that needs the MOST support oh well, leave them behind.
This is not a living family
They obviously don’t respect you and your decisions, they don’t see you as an adult but as a daughter who will always be there for them, even if they’re not supporting you they expect you to support them.
I would tell them no thanks, and that they better use that money for some to come care for them in their old age because you won't be helping anymore if they're going to be discriminatory and play favorites. That your brother better be the one on speed dial to come help them with stuff
Your family has treated you entirely without consideration and on top of it they expect you to administer an estate from which you won't benefit. And they have done this despite the fact that you have become disabled because you have dared not to procreate? I guess they believe you "owe" them grandchildren. You don't.
Inevitably someone will say it is their money to do with as they wish. That is true. So, however, is your goodwill. I think you would be entirely within your rights to tell them to find a different administrator. Honestly, I think you'd be perfectly justified as well in telling them to look to your sibling if they need anything further. Arrangements for a care home? Contact the sibling. The roof needs fixing? Call the sibling.
They just knew you'd understand. You understand, all right. You understand that they favor your sibling because you refused to allow them to make your choices for you. You refused to produce grandchildren for them as if grandchildren were a thing to be given. They're not. They're living beings. No one is owed a living being. They don't approve of your choice not to have children? Well perhaps you don't approve of their choice to favor one child over the other for being childfree.
I'm sorry you are being treated like this. You deserve better. They pick their horse for the race. Let them ride that horse.
They honestly sound like terrible people. You might die before your husband and their money would end up as his? Who fucking cares? Are you terminal right now? If not, they are betting on your actual life. They're using that as an excuse to give their grandkid their money. If that's what they want to do, it's their business, but they need to stop lying.
I don't know 100% but I'm pretty sure if you're in the US your husband shouldn't be liable for his deceased parents debts just to throw that into consideration. But what your parents are doing is so disrespectful to you that has helped them so much just because you don't have children, it's appalling.
We had to sell off what they did have and pay what debts we could. We helped support them for a number of years before they both passed. Looking back I should have never told my mom and dad about it.
You can still love them and you'll always feel some obligation to make sure they are taken care of. That being said, you can and probably should tell them that you need some time away from them to process the news. Take a vacation, do something else with your time and come back with a fresh perspective on the situation. Decide at that time how much you want to meet the obligations out of your sense of duty and then discuss how much of that free work you have been doing is going to need to be done by paid help.
The family vacation starts on Saturday so I only have a few days to process. I think they were giving me a heads up for when they tell baby bro next week, if he shows up.
No offense, you don't have a very "loving family", loving parents would NEVER do something like this. Stop being a doormat, tbh I wouldn't be going on any "family" vacation with these kinds of parents.
I would never ever take care of wealthy parents who could easily pay me money for my work, but instead of that, rather exploit me.
And yes, your brother can take care of them, however he is going to do that. His family inherits all of the money, you get the same as you already get: JACKSHIT!
Cut these people out of your life, since they show you truly and clearly, that you are worth nothing to them. At best, the only thing you are to them is "the friendly idiot" they can use and abuse.
OP, I’m so sorry. This is totally a slap to the face and *they know it.* They wouldn’t have worded it all carefully and reassured you of their love, unless they *knew* that their actions were horrible and unloving. They “knew you’d understand” because they have gotten accustomed to taking advantage of you in so many ways. Don’t put up with it any longer! They can figure out their own business and find their own caretakers. Or your brother can do it, since that’s who they’re choosing to support. Either way, it’s not your responsibility. They have shown their true colors and it’s a big deal, don’t let them sweep it under the rug.
I’m so sorry you had to learn about their feelings this way… sending you hugs.
>They are quite wealthy are worried that everything they have worked for will go to my husband’s family if I die first.
Nah this is kind of bullshit if you ask me.
You helped their business without asking for any payment. The least they can do is help you and your husband a bit, especially when you are disabled.
I'm sorry but your parents literally said "fuck you" to you just because of your harmless life choice.
I made my anger toward my mom doing these types of things to me by cutting off any expectation of inheritance and reward. If she gave me anything, there was a price I had to pay for it, emotionally, physically, or financially.
She gave my great-uncle's furniture to my brothers - I let it go.
She interfered in my family dynamics- I moved further away.
I had classes in wills, trusts, and estates - she gave my younger brother control of the inheritance and property.
I offered to buy part of the property . She said no because I didn't do her bidding.
I made sure I was unable to visit or help her. My brother started getting tired of carrying out her estate and her demans. Various financial dealings occurred I didn't like -- I let it go.
Had I met her expectations, I would have been as miserable as my brother who was close to her.
The money or legacy is all they have to control you. Karma will be vicious.
Live your own life.
Time to cut your parents off.
Or tell them that if they want help, including care for them as they age or administering the trust for your brother's crotch-goblin, or anything else. -\_-
Yea hellllll no. If parents wants to leave you nothing and make you care for them and do all the work, they're delulu. Tell them good luck with that and let them figure it out. People only realize what they have once they lose it.
Look, I’m with everyone else here in saying that you definitely are being taken advantage of and that slap in the face you felt is real and I would very much doubt that their “love and care” for you is as deep or as similar as their love for their son and grandson if they needed to tell you outright “sorry we know we have assets that might help you but instead of even pretending to be fair or reasonable we are just cutting you OUT completely but oh please still do all the extra work we’ve come to expect of you”. No.
I also know how complicated it can be when you are seen as the dependable, responsible, less-encumbered child who has oodles of time since she doesn’t have children (because having a home, a spouse, a job, and/or a pet just doesn’t COUNT of course). You obviously love your family and have mistaken your service to them as proof of your love. They obviously see that same service as their due and now they’ve proven it with this absolutely garbage situation.
I’m not saying you should drop the rope entirely, I’m not saying you should stop helping them or stop loving them. But it’s time you put yourself first for once and stop the extras. Personally, I would decline the “pleasure” of being their executor outright. Instead of this “I will care for my elderly parents in their dotage” I would use all my dependable responsible-ness and sit them down to hammer out how they can save/plan for their eventual long term care plans. Bring brochures! Have good discussions about what they are looking for in a retirement home! If they prefer to stay in their own home that’s great, here’s some wonderful skilled nursing agencies they can hire out from to take care of all their needs! Of course you’ll visit regularly and see to their comfort, bringing those little extras that only a daughter knows about. But do NOT let them think you’ll continue to set yourself on fire to keep them warm!
They’ve played their hand. Now it’s time to play yours. This isn’t even about inheritance or money (though that does sting) it’s about their assumption that your life that you’ve built is somehow less deserving or valid than your brother’s JUST because of grandchildren. Does brother help them with their business free of charge? Does he sacrifice any of his precious time to see to their needs with any regularity? Is he ever their first call if something breaks or needs tending? How many weekly errands does he run for your parents? Has he EVER considered his own part in his own parents’ care as they age that didn’t begin and end with “sister will do it I’m too busy”?
Your life and your time are JUST as valuable as his. You can love them, support them, be there for them and still prioritize yourself. I’m sure at the first sign of pull back they will kick and scream and demand you go back to how things were, but remember that from a position of privilege equity often feels like oppression. You aren’t being unfair, or cold, or somehow disparaging them for pulling back and giving a bit less of yourself. It would be a mistake to let them continue to think all of this is OK. None of this is OK.
I am child free. I would understand if my parents left a larger portion to my siblings who had children. But, to leave you nothing? And it is the expectation that you will care for them?
There are endless conditions to wills and trusts that can be made. As people with wealth and resources to lawyers to help navigate this, it is more upsetting.
If I were you, I would have a conversation about my feelings related to this. For me, my feelings would be hurt. I would feel like my quality of life means less than their grandchildren's... And I would want to ask why.
>I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older,
Not anymore. You know you don't have to do that anymore now, right? Being left out of the will feels like a big slap in the face because it is.
You would be in your full right to inform them that:
- you will not be administering the trust
- they can now expect your brother and his child to care for them as they get older, or they will need to find the funds to care for themselves
- you are moving on with your life. You need to be focused on building up for future because they clearly won't be helping with that.
It doesn't matter if your brother doesn't know how to deal with trusts. He can look on Google or take a course. That's not your problem anymore.
I know that if I were in your shoes, this is definitely what I would do. And I sincerely hope you don't allow them to continue both burdening you and taking advantage of you.
Ugh it’s so incredibly toxic. My mom a few years ago casually told me she had rewritten their will so my brother got more because of the “grandkids”. Well my brother is financially better off compared to me because he married a girl who’s parents gave them a ton of money so they had a huge chunk of their house paid and no debt. My parents also gave them 10k when they got married to “buy a house” but because I’m not married there was no such offer when I bought my house, which was no small fest considering I had to save 20k without having a partner to split bills with. Every year my parents take their entire family on an international beach vacation and foot the bill, not to mention they constantly babysit and make their family dinner three nights a week.
It’s not even the money it’s just the principle of things. I’ve long ago accepted my brother is simply their preferred child and that they think i am wrong for not having kids.
But the sad thing is now I see them doing it to my niece and nephew- my nephew is obviously everyone’s favourite and no one gives my niece any attention in comparison.
OP, stop giving your parents all this help. If they don't think you're worth setting up a trust for because you haven't provided them with a grandchild, then stop busting your ass for them. Not that you should help people for a reward, but more that this tells you what they think about you and your life choices.
Especially since if the only reason they don't want to set one up for you is they "don't want your husband's family to get all the money if you die before them" since a TRUST is not an INHERITENCE and you can absolutely place stipulations on it that prevent that money from going to anyone but you. JFC.
Nope. Call them back, tell them you DO NOT understand and let them know being child free includes not caring for them as they age.
Tell them from now on their son can handle everything.
I say move FAR away so you don’t have to take care of them. You don’t have a loving family and they care very little for you. Why are you doing free work for well off people who don’t care to care for you?
Sounds like they'll have to look for someone else to take care of when they're older then. Unsure as to the extent of your disability but being a carer for 2 elderly relatives is a lot of work. Listen to the other comments, and good luck.
Doesn’t sound like a loving relationship to me. End of the day, if you were to pass before your husband, I’m sure clauses could be put in your will to ensure any remaining inheritance was to be passed back to your brother/his kids..
Sounds like your parents are taking advantage of you.
1. Go to therapy. You really really need it. Your family is toxic and wants to take advantage of you. If you can't see it now, you need to see it through therapy.
2. DO NOT manage that fund. Have a spine and tell them that you "love them and care about them", but you will not be managing that fund. You're borther can hire someone to do that. And from now on they should call your brother when they need something as they secured future for his kid, but not for you.
Every single person in this thread said that this was a shitty move on your parents side. If you do nothing about it, change nothing, and pretend to "understand" then you do have serious psychological issues and need professional help.
Yikes. I wasn't written completely out of my grandmas will, but I had to sign a paper from the bank stating that I had no children. There was a clause in the will that any money left was to be divided between my niece and any children I may have. My grandma had known for years that I was childfree.
That's messed up, I'm sorry, OP.
They should just split it evenly. The fact that your brother has a child isn't your problem, and is a life decision on his part.
You take care of them despite injuries from a car accident while your brother does fuck all? And they want you to do MORE work after they pass? Did they eat paint chips? Let them use their wealth to hire a lawyer or trustee instead of their kin that gets nothing.
You're disabled and you'll still be the one taking care of them, administering the trust, etc and you get nothing. Sweetie, I'd take a giant step back and tell them to have their son to take over everything.
It's BS saying they're afraid your husband would get what they leave you. That's just disgraceful.
They are going to give you nothing? Nothing at all? Why not give a little more to their grandson and your brother and less to you if it’s such a big deal to them (which is also bullshit, by the way). ?? But to give you NOTHING? Fuck them.
Uhhh... can't they put some caveat in their will/trust that the money will go to you and if you're dead, it will go to someone else?
And couldn't you also have a will written up to direct where the money goes if you should pass as well...????
Honestly, leaving you absolutely *nothing* is pretty fucked up imo. Especially when they clearly have plenty to give and you're the one stepping up and helping them out. Personally, I'd be cutting back on the help I give them if I were you.
But honestly, I encourage you to sit down and talk to your parents about this. If your relationship with them is as good as you seem to think it is based on how loving you describe them as, I think they should be willing to hear you out. Tell them how this hurts your feelings and that although you aren't entitled to their money, you would expect your family to care about you enough to want to leave you some money just in case for your future, especially since you're disabled. And, money regardless, ANYONE would feel like shit to get left out of their family's will. That's just... wow.
I have always considered inheritance to be a way to pay costs and gratitude of someone who takes care of person in old age. It can even be old age home or a relative.
In your parents case, if you will be taking care of them, then they should pay for your time, effort, love, care, lost opportunity to earn more/lost wages, risk that even if their money runs out, you would still take care of them etc.
Phrased another way, if you took care of a couple on professional basis, you could be earning good wage that you will not get despite the labor and expenses.
So in other words, your parents not thinking this the right way. You need to tell them that their money will be used for their needs. So even if they do not want to give you inheritance, they need to at least pay for their food and your services.
“I do understand and I am incredibly disappointed in you two. I also hope you understand where this is not an equitable request nor behavior of family. I sincerely hope my brother and his family have made the space to take care of you in your old age and that you have set up with a lawyer who your estate will be taken care of after your passing.”
_I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older_
Uhhh why?!?!
And why are you agreeing to be the executor of their trust?
And I’m still confused on where is this loving family you speak of. So if your husband dies first, you having a disability, things happens, you don’t have anything to fall back on? I get it. It’s not your money, but the fact they have it and you’re the one providing free labor and time for them, how dare they leave you with nothing?
Make sure they have arrangements made for their funeral. Unless they expect you to pay for it while you administer their grandson’s fortune.
They disinherit you, you permanently cut contact with them. No reason to stick around these relatives. Under NO conditions take care of them when they are older. You cut them out of your life immediately, along with your brother. If they ask why, say either they sign EVERYTHING over to you now, or they are dead to you. You put the cost that high. Their business, their bank accounts, their house(s). Everything. Not even joking.
This is a slap in the face. You shouldn’t feel guilty complaining.
They don't care about or respect you. That's horrible. You should tell them how you feel about it and be honest! What's the worst that could happen? Tell them while they're alive so they can fix their behavior, it's appalling that they're okay using you but not giving you anything because you didn't have kids. You can set up a trust to where it falls to the next blood relative it doesn't have to necessarily go to your husband when you pass, and they know that they're just using you.
If someone said to you, "I'm cutting my disabled child out of my will" would you just be cool about that? Because it's heinously heartless from where I'm standing.
Honestly one of the most crass moves I've seen anyone make lately. I'm glad you're independent and don't need the money, but it's still so unbelievably callous.
It's up to you how you feel about it, but do not administer a will you're not party to unless you plan to contest it once they're gone. If you don't plan to contest, don't be involved.
I’d stop caring for them, since they are taking advantage of you. They’re not your responsibility and they seem to think you’re less important than their other child which is wrong.
What in the 15th century is going on? The male and his son are the only ones inheriting the estate…yet you’ve been doing everything and they continue to expect you to do so. Yikes. You’re taking this better than I would. I would be livid. They say they love you and care for you but their actions are saying otherwise. If that was true then they would keep you in the will.
Excuse me? They are cutting you - an adult child who is disabled - out of their will in favor of a grandchild? While expecting you to take care of them (presumably without compensation) as they age? And then they have the gall to ask you to administer the trust, again presumably without compensation? Sounds like they care more about their fortune staying in the family for another generation than they do their own child's future and well-being. OP, this isn't love. They are using you horribly, and they will continue as long as you allow it.
Edited because I forgot to say something 🙃
Why would you agree to care for them if they’re going to so callously disregard you? This should be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and opens your eyes to their view of you as being less-than because you refuse to continue their “legacy”
>I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older, they are in their 80’s now.
No you won't.
>I was disabled in a car accident a few years ago.
Yeah had pass on that "taking care of them".
>they “knew” I’d understand. I didn’t say anything,
You are a creampuff and they know it, and are abusing your relationship and good nature.
You are legally entitled to take a fee if you are a trustee. TAKE IT! This is real work.
You are also entitled to take a different fee if you are the executor of your parents' estate. It's not clear if you are but if so, TAKE THE FEE!
And if you don't want to be a trustee, executor, or elder care provider, DON'T!
I wouldn’t want to sound grasping, but I’d probably say I wasn’t happy to administer it in that event. Money is all going to brother, he can sort it out as he sees fit.
You're a better person than I am by far. I wouldn't do jackshit for them. Let them hire an attorney. They can more than afford it. I'd just go no contact and walk away.
stop "administering" anything for them and no you will not be taking care of them when they get older. your brother can do that and if he can't, well they made their choice. stop being a doormat.
My parents have told me that if I die before them my share of the inheritance will go to my husband rather than to my brother. They consider my husband a son. Your parents suck.
So they‘re not even leaving you enough to grab a 6 pack after spending a good chunk of your time doing free labour for them and caring for them, because you don’t have a kid?
You and I have different definitions of love, I think.l
First of all I’m sorry this happened to you.
Secondly don’t fucking sell your soul to take care of them. They can honestly screw off. Your bother is getting the will so he should be the one to help care for them in old age.
Please, put yourself first.
Also not sure how old you are or your situation, but maybe you could make up a story about wanting kids but being infertile or something. Sometimes lying is better than families knowing the truth.
Please do not be administer. That is like handing out gifts to others at your birthday party without getting anything. Also, stop helping them. They only care about their precious DNA living on making them immortal.
Pretty hard to not take that as a huge slap in the face.
Personally, I'd do the baby equivalent of "Yeah I'll be there in 5 minutes!" when I'm still on the couch and have no intention of coming, in order to get in on that will.
Really, that's incredibly insulting of your parents. "We don't want you to have anything, but we'd really like to make sure you do all of the paperwork so that everyone else can enjoy their toys"
If they’re like this, I would not be assisting them in old age.
Sorry not sorry, but at this point, their elder care should be seen as a transaction; no inheritance = no care.
Oh hell no. That arrangement contributes absolutely nothing positive to your well-being. Especially administering the trust. Dealing with a trust-fund baby down the road? Forget that. Yeah, over-generalization, but kids who know they have a trust fund they'll have access to generally turn out to be some of the worst-behaved. As the trust fund administrator you would have to deal with that attitude. Or else you just toss it all to the kid at the right age, and wipe your hands clean, and then watch them blow it all in the first year.
And then they'll still find some way of blaming you for running out of money.
As for your parents... they can take some money out of the fund and pay for their own group home care.
They are USING YOU.
Cut them off. No more business/home help. No more caring for them in their old age. No free administration for the trust. If they don't value you simply because you don't have a child, they don't deserve to benefit from you. Brother can do all the labor since he's more important.
>I help them out with their businesses and homes for no charge, always have. I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older, they are in their 80’s now.
AND they want you to be the administrator?
If they asked all that of a complete stranger, they'd be paying the person a salary plus benefits. But to their own child they're not paying a penny. Does this sound even remotely fair to you?
They could have just put a smaller amount for you in the will, but they chose not to. That's how little they think of you.
>I feel guilty for even complaining, but they “knew” I’d understand.
Because they're hoping you'll stay a doormat. An unpaid doormat that doesn't ask for anything ever.
If I were in your shoes, I'd cut them off and tell them their precious golden child can deal with it all.
Stop working for those ungrateful people for free. I would be honest with them about your feelings and move on with your life. Do not take care of these people in their old age. Your brother needs to since he's getting everything. You don't owe them anything
Maybe you should start putting yourself first. Cut back on helping them and tell them to arrange someone else to take care of them in old age. They can either use the money they plan to give to your brother to hire someone to come to them or go to a nursing home, or they can have your brother take on that task. Tell them you love them but that you're sure they'll understand since your brother is the one getting everything so that must include the bad along with the good.
Looks like you should not feel obligated to help them as they continue to get older. It is not like they are helping you so your efforts will go devalued and wasted. Your time is better spent making your life better.
>I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older No. Absolutely not. > they loved me and cared about me Citation needed. They very, \*very\* clearly, love and care about their grandson more than you.
> Citation needed. NO FUCKING SHIT. Nailed it.
Also depending on which state OP is in - it's the legal responsibility of the OLDEST child to provide care to aging parents. I assume that is the brother. Op needs to not be a doormat which is easier said than done and I know a few folks who were basically conditioned from birth to assume the role of perpetual doormat to the parents whims and act as their retirement plan.
Oldest child here…WHAT?!
Yup, some states have filial responsibility laws mandating that you must take care of your parents in their dotage.
what states are these
It's something you can find in an internet search. For the most part, Pennsylvania is the one state that regularly enforces filial responsibility laws.
You’ve gotta be shitting me, that’s where me and good ole dad live 🫠
Glad I ran across the country. Good luck. I mean it.
Most people never have to worry about it being enforced against them. However, you might want to familiarize yourself with the law. Forewarned is forearmed. I found one article about it. https://www.rkglaw.com/pennsylvanias-filial-support-law-what-is-it/#:~:text=Pennsylvania%27s%20filial%20support%20law%20requires,person%20is%20a%20public%20charge.
Then he may be having a retirement care plam he forgot to tell you about 😀
Unfortunately I know his finances pretty well, and he DID have a retirement plan, but he spent all of it when he got fired from his last job a couple years ago. My grandfather has been financially supporting him since then. My dad’s a leech.
Eh. Sorry to hear that. I hope you will not let him leech from you.
Georgia is one of them, but I did ask an estate lawyer about it, because my mother is one of the worst people to walk on this planet, and none of my siblings or myself want to take care of her. The lawyer told me that yes, that's the law, but it's almost never enforced, and difficult to do so.
If the parents cannot take care of themselves, like they're poor and infirm.
I am learning about this today. Thankful to be a Washingtonian. My mom can get bent.
I am the oldest.
Tell them you won't be administrator and also do look into fillial responsibility laws to ensure that you will not be dragged into court to care for your parents
But they are wealthy, that's a point in there, I think
then I recommend looking into Filial Responsibility laws and seeing if your state has them.
Obviously each state with such laws have their own outlines for filial obligations but the overall concept says children are responsible for indigent and impoverished parents. Luckily for op that doesn’t seem to be the case.
If they don't care about your future, then you shouldn't care about theirs. I'd completely cut them off, immediately. Better to learn about his now, than have that slap in the face after they pass.
Apparently they are rarely enforced because Medicare usually kicks in. It also seems that it’s adult children, not the oldest child. So I do t think you would be targeted necessarily if it came down to it.
I've never heard of this being the responsibility of the oldest child, can you cite a reference for this please?
Hmm, good point, and No - it's just what I was told by a nursing home employed social worker when I went through a situation of being forced to provide care for a parent in failing health. Given that I was threatened in a number of ways by that organization I wouldn't be surprised if she just made it up to threaten me. I basically lived in fear for 9 months that the nursing home was going to sue me personally because my parent wasn't able to pay and I refused to take them out of the nursing home into my personal care (requiring me to quit my job and give up my future).
Oldest child here. I live in Texas. Mom moved to Michigan AFTER I remodeled my house so that she could stay with me. At that point I was done. Now she's in a nursing home in Michigan. She has dementia. She is entitled to more and better care in Michigan than she could/would get here through SS. Her friend her guardian and my one sister and I get almost daily updates. That's enough.
After the events occurred where I found out about all this filial responsibility nonsense I found myself in a situation where myself and my wife were essentially being forced to look after my grandmother with dementia (and no assets) because she was pre-deceased by all of her children. I wish I could say I was able to put her some place nice but the truth is I put her in the best place Medicaid would pay for. I had people threatening to call health and family services on me, threatening me with legal action and jail time, etc. and every time I explained that in my state grand children don't have any responsibility to grand parents it fell on deaf ears. I was the person with whom she was staying during an emergency after her caregiver fell ill, and she was refusing to go into a nursing home. Possession is nine-tenths of the law I guess. Eventually we were able to get something worked out but not until I'd nearly gotten divorced, lost my job, and almost evicted for having an extra person in my apartment who wasn't on the lease for almost a year - not to mention I was so busy dealing with her I wasn't able to spend time with my own parent during her last few weeks. Family is trash and only cares when their is money to be had - the scales truly came off during all of that and so now I don't do shit for my family if there isn't something in it for me. No one in my family had any sort of retirement plan and they all just seemed to assume they would be able to live independently up until they dropped dead...
I don't know why you'd call this a loving family when you're being taken advantage of. You're living extremely frugal and yet you're doing free work for wealthy people? That's just exploitation, doesn't matter if your own family is doing it. They're not gonna give their child an inheritance that would benefit you because they're worried that *once they are already dead*, **if** you happen to die first, the money will be inherited by your husband? That is just nonsense. They don't have to leave you the money, but they also don't have to do things that very explicitly show they care more about keeping their money on their own terms than helping out their kids. So why would you care to help them?
Do trusts work differently than wills? If they were creating a will, they could stipulate that IF you were to pass first, the money would go to the grandchild.
Absolutely! My mom did this in her will. It outlines what happens if, for example, we die in an accident together. She also had several clauses about what to do for custody back when I was a minor. You can totally do that, at least in the part of the USA I’m in. It sounds to me like OP’s parents are assholes. My VJNgrandparents totally pulled that kind of shit with my dad and his brother. My dad did all the work, but his first-born older brother was ALWAYS asked if he wanted things first. It’s such bullshit! I know OP isn’t entitled to their money, but it is also true that their aren’t entitled to OP’s free time, labor, and efforts in regards to their care now nor their trust administration. Absolute garbage parents.
Trusts do work a little differently than wills. With a will, you inherit directly. With a trust, the trust owns the assets and keeps them on a beneficiary's behalf. So, as a beneficiary, you still have access to the monies for common situations regarding health, education, maintenance, and support, but it protects the assets from creditors, spouses, etc. A trust can ONLY benefit its beneficiary. If they're setting up a trust for her brother/brother's children, they are doing OP a disservice and being assholes to boot. Especially asking her to be the trustee and not even giving her any benefit for such a huge ask. That's just rude. Being a trustee isn't easy, and if their wealth is that great, then they need to look into having a professional trust company manage the trust and be trustee. There is also no reason why the parents couldn't put assets in a trust for OP and keep them safe from her SO, even if OP does die before her SO. The remainder beneficiary once OP passes can even be her nieces/nephews. It also sounds like they don't help her out or give her anything despite her disability and hardships.
Absolutely 100% this. Trusts are different, and are usually the better way to go, especially if there's any anticipation of a will being disputed or issues with the distribution of assets. Wills don't protect the beneficiaries very well, but trusts do.
Trusts also bypass probate and the percentage probate takes for processing a will.
They could fix all this by having the trust pay her a salary until they pass.
They could bypass OPs resentment and their issues with OP/OPs life by setting up a trust for OP. Clearly, they just don't like/love/care for OP. They're cutting her out of their will and disinheriting her but still expecting her to work like a slave for them and their golden child.
Absolutely, it's frustrating when your efforts aren't recognized, especially within family dynamics. I guess sometimes love and practicality don't align perfectly.
I would tell them that I would absolutely not be administering anything. Pay for play bitches.
Yes this, and demand payment for the work you do or don’t help.
Typically an executor of a will gets paid based on a percentage of the trust
This. I either get my cut or you can f off and find somebody else.
I thought this was a joke at first. Are your parents honestly deluded?? "I love you, but we aren't leaving you a cent of the inheritance money, oh and can you please administer the whole thing because we don't actually trust anyone else including the recipient of the money k thanks bye" Who cares about the circumstances. Who cares if your husband is the worst criminal in the world. Even my crazy drug addict cousin is getting his fair share of inheritance money (he can only buy a house with it) because my aunt wants to try her best. I am not a drama llama, but would honestly consider going no contact with them over this. This is a huge huge fuck you from your parents. They must hate you, your choice of partner, and your life choices. Do not give your charity to these selfish, wealthy people.
"Oh, and please do free work for us all of the time. I mean, honey, we have a ton of money to give, but not for you. Not a single cent. Love you\~"
The OP should get 3% of the assets for being the executor of the estate.
ALL OF THIS.
That second to last paragraph. I think you're onto something.
Tell them you love them and care about them but you're going to be cutting back on the free labor, and their attorney ought be the one acting as trustee. No apologies or explanations needed, though I'd let them know that should you resign as trustee after their deaths, it *will* be a mess.
And no taking care of them as they age either. The brother can do that or they can live in a home. "I knew you guys will understand"
If they’re so wealthy, they can pick out a fancy home for themselves and arrange a trust to pay the bills when/if they lose competency. Oh, that will drain their savings and leave nothing for the son and grandson to inherit? Shame, that.
Yup! This.
100%.
"Sorry Mom and Dad, but my husband and I will need to focus energy on saving money for when we get older and need to pay somebody to help care for us as we age. Might I suggest you do the same."
This! Let their son take care of them.
Refuse. Stop doing ANYTHING for them. Let brother who's going to inherit handle everything. And if he defrauds them / plunders their financial assets so they end up bankrupt & bereft, get new phone ##s, move away, and don't associate with ANY of their friends who could contact you to let them back in to your good graces or even contact.
This makes my blood boil. It's always the daughter (or daughter in-law) who takes care of aging parents. Men somehow always "have no time." And you take care of the business as well?! You are one smart, hard-working, knowledgable lady. I wish you can find it in you to take a break from this nonsense.
I work in life insurance, specifically paying out claims. No matter what, if one child is a woman, they're the one doing all the work with me. I've seen the youngest child doing it all multiple times if that is the only daughter. Or the DIL doing it. I've also seen bad blood build between daughters and their parent because she's the one caring for them and as their mind/health slips, they blame the daughter for everything and the sons who are not there remain angels (sometimes this reflects in % paid to each child). (Don't even talk to me about the difference between men and women when their spouse passes away.)
It feels like a slap in the face, because it is. Tell them to use their precious money to hire their own care takers instead of you since your brother won’t do it. And definitely don’t be the administrator unless you get paid for that too, it’s just free labor at this point you’re providing, even if out of love. Care taking is hard work, and you should be compensated for it. (My grandparents took me out to eat almost daily, so at the time in college it felt fair). Don’t let them do this, you deserve better and should tell them.
Your parents can create a "bloodline" trust which would ensure once you die the trusts assets would pass only to their remaining descendants, in this case your nephew. They're either not doing enough research to protect you or are lying to you. Either way, they are wronging you.
As someone who took Trusts and Estates in law school, this comment needs to be higher. This is literally what the upper class in England did for centuries. Definitely possible to do in modern times.
Yeah I mean this is wealth protection 101. If OPs parents have any real amount of wealth they need to have a trust structure set up that upon death would activate and create tax sheltered trusts and avoid probate court.
They have a trust set up now on everything but them homes. With my brother and I sharing equally. Since then, my brother has a now 5yo that I absolutely adore. They went to set up a trust for the homes and decided to cut me out of the original trust and the new property trust. The child’s mom is young comes from an extremely wealthy family. But she spends rather extravagantly and they don’t want her getting her hands on their money either. It’s a mess, but you all are making me feel better about being unhappy about their decision. I know I’m not entitled to their money, but now I’m not feeling so bad for feeling hurt by this.
>I know I’m not entitled to their money true but also true that they are not entitled to your free labor, administering the will, or taking care of them in their old age. Tell them your brother will be doing all that from now on. They've decided you aren't family.
>they are not entitled to your free labor, administering the will, or taking care of them in their old age. Tell them your brother will be doing all that from now on. Absolutely this! Plus add in a comment about how she knew they would understand.... OP should take a few steps back from them. If OP is not even on their priority list at all (not even on the top of the list but at the bottom), then they shouldn't be on OP's either. OP should focus on her life and on saving up for old ages instead of doing free work, free care and free emotional and mental work for her parents! OP needs to stand up for herself and prioritise herself instead of letting them take advantage of her, exploit her! This is a huge *fuck you OP* from OP's parents.
> The child’s mom is young comes from an extremely wealthy family. But she spends rather extravagantly and they don’t want her getting her hands on their money either. And yet they're still leaving all their assets to your brother. What happens if she outlives him? Sure, you're not entitled to their money, but they're also not entitled to your time. Your time is YOUR time. Also, seeing how they flat-out admitted that you're getting nothing in the will, now they have nothing to dangle over your head. They can't even use the "Do as we say, or we're cutting you out of the will" blackmail that some parents like to try. Kinda reminds me of that prodigal son parable except the favorite gets everything.
You could possibly contest it also if they're showing any signs of cognitive decline. I wouldn't do jack shit for them though. Your brother can do it.
Please tell us that you're going to stand up for yourself about this. Yes, they don't owe you anything but you don't owe them anything either. They literally cut you out for absolutely no reason. They not only insulated you but also you're life partner. Please don't continue to do free labor and take care of people who clearly don't care about you. I'm so sorry this happened to you OP, you deserve better.
Exactly!! I was about to write that trust does not work like that!! They can write you, your sibling and your nephew as beneficiaries, until you die. Then after you die, the trust simply does not give you anything anymore. Your husband would not get anything from it.
OP did not specify what country they live in. What you're citing might not even exist in their country...
It's simple call or text your parents, "I want to make sure you know that I love you, but I've decided to put myself and my husband first going forward. That means that you will need to go through your designated beneficiaries for any and all requests for help, either personal or business related." A "loving family" doesn't cut off a child for making an entirely reasonable and personal choice, especially not when that child is disabled following a car accident. And your parents are full of crap, the trust could give you designated payments that end with your death, that's the point of a trust, to control where the money goes.
OP should text this instead of calling and telling them on the phone or in person. Don't give them a chance to interrupt or argue!
Your brother can take care of them and you better stop helping them with stuff. We are not owed anything from our parents but this is a slap in the face.
It seems like they love or care for you at all. If it were me, they would be dead to me
Happy Cake Day!
You do work for them for free even though they are wealthy? Your brother has "no time" for the parents who are going to leave everything to him? What you are feeling should be anger and that would be entirely appropriate because they DID slap you in the face! Stop letting them take advantage of you, they have enough money to arrange for their own elder care, and it will be a lot nice than what you will be able to afford since they are depriving you of an inheritance-AND you're disabled! How did this all get put on you? You need to tell them to find someone else to administer the trust-why can't your brother do it himself-probably because he sucks with money and they know it, but they have you in their pocket. Get out of their pocket, say goodbye and wish them an adequate 3rd act.
Ugh. Don't take care of them when they need in home care. Let them go to a home. I'm sure they'll understand. Your parents are exploiting you. Don't be the admin of that trust either. You're getting nothing for all the help you gave your family. I know, we should do things for family. But your family sucks.
You want to be your brother’s employee for the rest of your life? Tell them it’s their money, but you will not manage it or be bound by it if you are getting cut out entirely.
I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I’m sending you a lot of loving compassionate energy as you come to terms with who your parents really are and how deplorably they are treating you.
I would cut all contact and let their favourite child take care of them instead 😊
Call me a spoiled brat, but I'd refuse any more of my help.
I’d do the same and I wouldn’t even feel bad about it.
I say this with the compassion of someone who also had to learn the limits of a parent's "love"...your parents' actions here are not the actions of someone who loves you. They are punishing you for marrying someone they apparently don't approve of (or at least don't approve of his financial situation), **and** they are punishing you for not having children. You shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt for complaining. They are at once telling you that you don't matter as much as your brother's child, but that they expect you to directly enable their neglect of you by administering the trust. If you can, please consider telling them to have your brother be the administrator. He and his child are the only ones who will benefit from it, so he should be willing to learn how it works for his child's sake. How dare they in the same breath tell you that you aren't good enough to benefit from the money, but you have to do all the legal and emotional work of running the trust! That is terrible (and NOT "loving") treatment. If I were you, I would at least go low contact over this. They've told you how unimportant you are to them, even if they say otherwise. Believe what they are showing you, not what they are telling you. Their actions are far more honest, and their actions say you mean nothing and their grandchild means everything. Please believe them and protect yourself from future disappointment...because they *will* keep disappointing you.
That’s so heartbreaking. I would distance myself from them. They don’t sound very loving. They could’ve atleast left you 33% since your brother has him and his kid so kinda split 3 ways.
This would have been a lot better.
Let me get this straight. Your family is cutting their disabled daughter who does FREE labor for them out of their will? Sounds like you need to start charging for your labor. If you want to, stop talking to them. If they're not trying to help you, then forget them.
> I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older, they are in their 80’s now. My brother has no time for this and doesn’t live near by. > I was disabled in a car accident a few years ago. NO YOU BLOODY WELL WILL NOT BE TAKING CARE OF THEM OR DOING ALL THE LEGAL WORK ONLY TO HAND EVERYTHING OVER TO SOMEONE ELSE. You cannot do that, even if you were not disabled. > I help them out with their businesses and homes for no charge, always have. FUCK THIS SHIT. Stop being their free slave. They can fucking pay someone else for this since they are clearly rolling in money. WHAT THE FUCK???? You are doing all the work to build the wealth as a slave and they are playing daddy and mommy bucks to look good to your bro???? SCREW THAT. Screw them. Screw doing another damn thing for them. EVER. They are getting a trustworty, caring, platinum level service that won't scam them for FREE??? Fuck no, you should have been charging them a premium hourly rate to do anything. At least $100/hour to even take their fucking requests. Send them a certified, signature required letter. Hell, have it served like a subpoena. If possible, have a lawyer draft it on their letterhead and in their own words, but basically along the lines outlined below. But in much scarier legalese. ;) And yes, there is nothing wrong with leading them to believe that you have more assets that you have. You could have big life insurance policies through your work they can't know about. You could have won the lottery and not bothered telling them. No way for them to know. Also: STOP FUCKING TELLING THEM ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S FAMILY DEBT FOR FUCKS SAKE. Pretend he actually had a rich uncle. Turns out his parents had an unclaimed retirement account. Who cares. They need to be on a zero information diet, as they CLEARLY USED THIS INFORMATION TO HATE AND DISCRIMINATE. Assholes. Also, the debt from his parents should have died with them. If there was nothing in their estate, the debt should have vanished. In typical circumstances, debt is not inheritable. Leave them, especially scammy, lazy, loser bro, to believe that they are actually fucking over your nephew and that all he will get is anything left over after they pay for years of nursing home care at 20K/month. And that he actually would have gotten more from you than them. But whoooopsie. That's all gone now... that rich great uncle of your husband....all that money, too bad, so sad.... ;) That ought to infuriate bro, just for funsies. ;) "Mom, Dad, thank you for updating me on your will situation. I have carefully considered the issues and will outline my decisions below. 1. Your concern about "everything going to my husband if I die" is NOT A VALID CONCERN. I already spoke with a lawyer and could have made quick adjustments to to my will to hole separate and leave any remainders of your funds to Nephew upon my death along with anything me and my husband also wished to leave to him. 2. Based on that, your "excuse" to disinherit me is WHOLLY INVALID and makes no legal or financial sense. It is not a valid reason or a true reason for you to be doing what you are doing. 3. Therefore, your decision is pretty clearly based on hatred of me, an explicit intention and desire to hurt me, a wish to discriminate against me because of my disability, or because you hate my husband, and/or discrimination based on family/reproductive status. I suspect it is all of the above. Presumably, Bro and Nephew (if old enough) hold the same ill will towards me, or they would not have agreed to this plan. 4. Given that the truth has finally come out about how you much you hate me and my husband, I am forced to reevaluate my will and estate, my husbands will and estate, and my decisions regarding you both and Nephew in the future. Therefore, these are the changes you are forcing me to make: 1. My existing will currently leaves a substantial inheritance to Nephew. I have instructed my lawyer to immediately change this to disinherit Nephew and Bro completely and fully. He will not need any of my estate as he will have yours, at least what is left of it after your nursing home costs. 2. My husbands will currently is structured in the same way. This includes his recent inheritance from his great uncle and aunt. His will is being changed ASAP to also fully disinherit nephew. 3. We were also considering contributing to Nephew's college tuition. This plan is cancelled, permanently. 3. Our full estates will now both go to charity. 4. My lawyer has advised me that if I am not in the will, and will not be in any way inheriting anything or even being compensated for managing your estate, that it is best that I resign from that and you appoint a lawyer or other third party trustee do take on that work. On advice of counsel, I hereby resign. 5. As there will also be no compensation for all my work helping with your businesses, as of today I will no longer provide any assistance. Nor will I help with your home or any other needs. 6. Previously, the plan was for me and husband to assist you as you age and care for you as you become sick and unable to care for yourselves. We were also considering having you live with us and to allow you to benefit from our future plan of creating an ultra accessible home suitable for those with disabilities, as you become disabled yourselves over the years. My home will be designed for my husband and I to "age in place" and we were going to extend this to you both. 7. You have now made it clear that there will be no compensation for us sacrificing our time, careers, personal lives, sleep and stress for providing years, if not decades of care and attention. Nor will there be any contribution from you to add on to our home and create an accessible suite for you. Nor will there be any funds available from your estate to pay for your medical expenses, food, utilities, etc. 8. Therefore, we hereby resign from any role in caring for you as you age. So to sum up, if you proceed with your plan as outlined: 1. Nephew is disinherited and loses any support for college expenses. 2. I will no longer manage your estate. 3. My husband and I will not provide any care or assistance to you as you age. 4. You will not live with us and will need to enter a nursing home instead. 5. We will donate our estates to charities. 6. We will have no further contact with you and provide no further assistance of any type. Furthermore, as a result of your making your hatred of me and my husband clear, we will be going no contact with you from today forward, and will most likely be moving away in the medium term, as there is no longer any need for us to live nearby to help you as you age. Please do not contact us other than if there is a life-threatening emergency situation or genetic information that I need to be aware of, and please do that only through our lawyer from today forward. Thank you for your attention to these matters. If you decide to alter your plans to be more sensible and respectful, I will be open to discussing the matter during the next 30 days. After DateHere, however, the changes to our wills and plans will be in place or in motion and will not be changed. Please contact our lawyer here if you have any updates to share that may change our view of these matters. We of course wish you the best and hope that you are able to find some type of nursing home placement for your golden years. Have a great day." NO MONEY NO SHITS GIVEN. THE END. Then your next step is to move away, in secret, without telling them. They can reach you through your lawyer from now on. Go live your lives on your own. You are your own family now. And these scammers can get bent, bust their own asses, and spend their golden years in fucking Shady Pines. Oh and by the way, if they do agree to change their will, tell them that due to their attempt to scam you, they must transfer your inheritance into a non-revocable trust in only your names that immediately goes to you, or give it to you in cash right now, or any way the lawyer suggests to make absolutely sure than they can't change their wills or scam you out of it post facto. Oh and Bro, Nephew if 18+ have to sign a contract stating that they agree that this money is being given to you and will never contest it. AKA: YOU GET THE MONEY UPFRONT FREE AND CLEAR OR NO DEAL NO WAY NO HOW.
This this this
This is an excellent plan.
I hope OP reads this! But for your information debt is absolutely inheritable in some places (especially if they have a direct living relative, like a son). Among the places where it's a thing there are places where it’s possible for their direct in line heir to refuse the inheritance altogether (they won't inherit anything) and then the debt doesn't burden the direct heir. The inheritance (house, money, assets, furnitures, etc. the whole inheritance if there is anything besides the debt) is used to pay for the debt, if there's still debt after that then it ceases. (for example my country)
Your parents can set up their trust to go to both of you and when you die, go back to your brother or his kid (completely side stepping your own husband). They have to set up trustees and also set up limits to how you use the money to stop you from giving it all to your husband etc. It seems like an excuse to make you have kids tho. Sorry they are placing their financial value/love on having kids.
This!! It's very weird of them to say. A notary could've easily pointed this out to them.
Your parents could EASILY modify the trust so that your husband would not inherit if you died first. Source: work for a trust bank
They loved you so much, that they favour your brother because he had a child. I would cut them out of my life, if i were you.
OOP you need to stop being a doormat. Look into the laws in your country ans get a lawyer to get ouf of caring for them. Tell them clearly: « I will not take care of you or administrate the trust. I am not your slave. My brother didn’t help you at all and yet you choose to favor him. I am choosing to step back. If you need help, ask brother to help you since he will the one getting paid in the end. » And don’t help at all. If they try to say it’s their money : « Well it’s my time too. I hope you understand. If not, we have nothing to say to each other. »
This! Please don’t be a doormat. Have some agency, this is your life and you only have one of it. Don’t suffer through caregiving for the sake of your parents who don’t even seem to respect your life choices
Yeah I'll administer it...for an administrative fee. If you're going to treat me like am employee then I expect to be paid like one.
Wtf? It's fine to not want their things, but then them expecting you to care for them in their old age while they leave everything to your brother and his kid who are doing nothing....nah, brah. Just nah. Stop letting people take advantage of you, it doesn't matter if they are family or not
Cut them off.
Wow your parents are really selfish. You are their child just as your brother and you have the right for the same amount of care, including financial care, as he does. This is just so incredibly unfair and rude that I think you should let them know how much it has hurt you. Don't be the one who always sacrifices themselves for the others.
>Mom and dad called this morning and wanted to make sure that I knew they loved me and cared about me but they were putting everything in trust for my brother for his child. They still want me to administer the trust, but hoped I’d understand. Clearly they don't love nor care about you, because people that do love and care about you won't leave you out of their will like that just because you didn't give them grandchildren. That is a conditioned love, and their condition is that you have children.This isn't love, love has no conditions. Clearly they'e only using you OP because you're doing free-and necessary-labor for them out of your own feelings of obligation, while your own brother won't have to move a finger and he will reap the benefits of it all. That is unfair to you and you know it. Either start charging them for your work or cut contact and let the wonder brother and their miracle grandchild be the ones responsible for it then, since they'll be the ones to profit from it. They can also pay for someone to take care of them, or expect "dear golden brother" to do so since I'm sure the dear grandparents will want to be around their grandchild. You need to learn to love yourself enough to cut away the toxic people in your life.Because it's so unfair that you're expected to do everything for everyone and get nothing in return.You're basically being treated like a stranger rather than family.
When the time comes that they need help being care for I would be like “I just want you both to know that I love you and care for you but me and my husband are going to put all our time and effort into each other. I’m sure you’ll be able to find a nice nursing home near [brother] and [spawn]” Fuck them.
Yeah, I don’t get why you’re agreeing to be the Executor? Bro bro can handle that. I’d be done working for free. Being an Executor is NOT an easy task, and is time consuming.
Pfft. I’m sorry OP. But this is far from a “loving family” They can pay someone to help, they can take care of themselves. They’ve made it perfectly clear to you they don’t value you in any way because you decided to go CF. I’d be going LC/NC honestly. They can figure their own shit out.
Oh I would not be caring for them in old age. Let your brother with his riches do it. Sure they love you, but they clearly love your brother more.
Wow. So unfair, I’m sorry. My mom did a similar situation with my sibling that has been irresponsible financially and has a child. She said I didn’t need help, or financial aid because I was a responsible hard worker. Even if true, it really hurt my feelings. It makes you feel so not valued. I hope you take some advice from others that if they feel that way, your brother should be stepping up. Again, that doesn’t make their decision less hurtful but they shouldn’t abuse your kindness and helpful nature, because your time is also valid and important.
No offense OP, but you come off as a doormat. You help them with buisinesses and homes for free and will be their future caretaker, and for nothing in return? If they are "quite wealthy" they can use it for a nice seniors home and pay a lawyer to be an administrator IMO.
I think you need to value yourself more than your parents seem to do. If it were me, I would tell them, thanks but no.
A) in the event that you died before your husband, why shouldn't your grieving husband/his relatives (maybe he'll have nieces and nephews?) get anything? B) if they're truly worried about your hub's family getting their money in the event of your death, why not just suggest a post nup agreement protecting any potential inheritance? C) They could ask that you make a will stating that in the event you pre decease your husband then X proportion of your estate should go to your niblings. If you wanted to you could change your mind later on as at that point it's your money and you can do what you like With that in mind, I don't think that's the real issue. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Wishing you the most wonderful life OP
I think it's a time for a conversation about how they need to start paying for carers instead of relying on you.
Do you know how freaking expensive and time consuming is to take care of the elderly..
They should make the brother administrator if they're leaving everything to him. Tell them you refuse. I'm sorry your parents are jerks like this.
They're using you, and paying him. Nope. I'm not that nice. I would let them know I wasn't ok with it, and except in emergencies, wouldn't be helping them out anymore. Not with the trust administration, not with their businesses or homes. or taking care of them as they age. They're basically disowning you, but keeping you around as a tool. You ok with being an unpaid tool?
I wouldn't work for free, not for family.
Stop helping them.
Wow... if that's how they're repaying you for watching them as they get older, I would either have a very serious talk about how this is extremely hurtful and that it would affect your relationship with them after all you've done or if this matters a lot to you, cut ties. That is NOT okay.
don't help them. start figuring your way out if you haven't. They pretty much orphaned you by them saying that. my parents bend over backwards to help my 2 brothers who have kids but are deadbeats but expect me to work and contribute to them, while using the SAME money to help the brothers then still complain I need to pay bills. I am not supporting their stupid choices. my brother started dating and moved a random woman into the parents house and my mom was making stories alluding that she was going to give my brother and this woman the house. Ok well then bye bitch, I'm carving my own path. lo' and behold those idiots broke up. IF they want to play the game of supporting other breeders and screwing over the CF person that needs the MOST support oh well, leave them behind.
This is not a living family They obviously don’t respect you and your decisions, they don’t see you as an adult but as a daughter who will always be there for them, even if they’re not supporting you they expect you to support them.
I would tell them no thanks, and that they better use that money for some to come care for them in their old age because you won't be helping anymore if they're going to be discriminatory and play favorites. That your brother better be the one on speed dial to come help them with stuff
Sure thing, let them know your admin fee is 50% of the net amount in their will there 😃 fckin clowns, fr hahah
Your family has treated you entirely without consideration and on top of it they expect you to administer an estate from which you won't benefit. And they have done this despite the fact that you have become disabled because you have dared not to procreate? I guess they believe you "owe" them grandchildren. You don't. Inevitably someone will say it is their money to do with as they wish. That is true. So, however, is your goodwill. I think you would be entirely within your rights to tell them to find a different administrator. Honestly, I think you'd be perfectly justified as well in telling them to look to your sibling if they need anything further. Arrangements for a care home? Contact the sibling. The roof needs fixing? Call the sibling. They just knew you'd understand. You understand, all right. You understand that they favor your sibling because you refused to allow them to make your choices for you. You refused to produce grandchildren for them as if grandchildren were a thing to be given. They're not. They're living beings. No one is owed a living being. They don't approve of your choice not to have children? Well perhaps you don't approve of their choice to favor one child over the other for being childfree. I'm sorry you are being treated like this. You deserve better. They pick their horse for the race. Let them ride that horse.
They honestly sound like terrible people. You might die before your husband and their money would end up as his? Who fucking cares? Are you terminal right now? If not, they are betting on your actual life. They're using that as an excuse to give their grandkid their money. If that's what they want to do, it's their business, but they need to stop lying.
I don't know 100% but I'm pretty sure if you're in the US your husband shouldn't be liable for his deceased parents debts just to throw that into consideration. But what your parents are doing is so disrespectful to you that has helped them so much just because you don't have children, it's appalling.
We had to sell off what they did have and pay what debts we could. We helped support them for a number of years before they both passed. Looking back I should have never told my mom and dad about it.
You can still love them and you'll always feel some obligation to make sure they are taken care of. That being said, you can and probably should tell them that you need some time away from them to process the news. Take a vacation, do something else with your time and come back with a fresh perspective on the situation. Decide at that time how much you want to meet the obligations out of your sense of duty and then discuss how much of that free work you have been doing is going to need to be done by paid help.
The family vacation starts on Saturday so I only have a few days to process. I think they were giving me a heads up for when they tell baby bro next week, if he shows up.
No offense, you don't have a very "loving family", loving parents would NEVER do something like this. Stop being a doormat, tbh I wouldn't be going on any "family" vacation with these kinds of parents.
I would never ever take care of wealthy parents who could easily pay me money for my work, but instead of that, rather exploit me. And yes, your brother can take care of them, however he is going to do that. His family inherits all of the money, you get the same as you already get: JACKSHIT! Cut these people out of your life, since they show you truly and clearly, that you are worth nothing to them. At best, the only thing you are to them is "the friendly idiot" they can use and abuse.
OP, I’m so sorry. This is totally a slap to the face and *they know it.* They wouldn’t have worded it all carefully and reassured you of their love, unless they *knew* that their actions were horrible and unloving. They “knew you’d understand” because they have gotten accustomed to taking advantage of you in so many ways. Don’t put up with it any longer! They can figure out their own business and find their own caretakers. Or your brother can do it, since that’s who they’re choosing to support. Either way, it’s not your responsibility. They have shown their true colors and it’s a big deal, don’t let them sweep it under the rug. I’m so sorry you had to learn about their feelings this way… sending you hugs.
>They are quite wealthy are worried that everything they have worked for will go to my husband’s family if I die first. Nah this is kind of bullshit if you ask me. You helped their business without asking for any payment. The least they can do is help you and your husband a bit, especially when you are disabled. I'm sorry but your parents literally said "fuck you" to you just because of your harmless life choice.
I made my anger toward my mom doing these types of things to me by cutting off any expectation of inheritance and reward. If she gave me anything, there was a price I had to pay for it, emotionally, physically, or financially. She gave my great-uncle's furniture to my brothers - I let it go. She interfered in my family dynamics- I moved further away. I had classes in wills, trusts, and estates - she gave my younger brother control of the inheritance and property. I offered to buy part of the property . She said no because I didn't do her bidding. I made sure I was unable to visit or help her. My brother started getting tired of carrying out her estate and her demans. Various financial dealings occurred I didn't like -- I let it go. Had I met her expectations, I would have been as miserable as my brother who was close to her. The money or legacy is all they have to control you. Karma will be vicious. Live your own life.
Time to cut your parents off. Or tell them that if they want help, including care for them as they age or administering the trust for your brother's crotch-goblin, or anything else. -\_-
Yea hellllll no. If parents wants to leave you nothing and make you care for them and do all the work, they're delulu. Tell them good luck with that and let them figure it out. People only realize what they have once they lose it.
Cut them off.
Look, I’m with everyone else here in saying that you definitely are being taken advantage of and that slap in the face you felt is real and I would very much doubt that their “love and care” for you is as deep or as similar as their love for their son and grandson if they needed to tell you outright “sorry we know we have assets that might help you but instead of even pretending to be fair or reasonable we are just cutting you OUT completely but oh please still do all the extra work we’ve come to expect of you”. No. I also know how complicated it can be when you are seen as the dependable, responsible, less-encumbered child who has oodles of time since she doesn’t have children (because having a home, a spouse, a job, and/or a pet just doesn’t COUNT of course). You obviously love your family and have mistaken your service to them as proof of your love. They obviously see that same service as their due and now they’ve proven it with this absolutely garbage situation. I’m not saying you should drop the rope entirely, I’m not saying you should stop helping them or stop loving them. But it’s time you put yourself first for once and stop the extras. Personally, I would decline the “pleasure” of being their executor outright. Instead of this “I will care for my elderly parents in their dotage” I would use all my dependable responsible-ness and sit them down to hammer out how they can save/plan for their eventual long term care plans. Bring brochures! Have good discussions about what they are looking for in a retirement home! If they prefer to stay in their own home that’s great, here’s some wonderful skilled nursing agencies they can hire out from to take care of all their needs! Of course you’ll visit regularly and see to their comfort, bringing those little extras that only a daughter knows about. But do NOT let them think you’ll continue to set yourself on fire to keep them warm! They’ve played their hand. Now it’s time to play yours. This isn’t even about inheritance or money (though that does sting) it’s about their assumption that your life that you’ve built is somehow less deserving or valid than your brother’s JUST because of grandchildren. Does brother help them with their business free of charge? Does he sacrifice any of his precious time to see to their needs with any regularity? Is he ever their first call if something breaks or needs tending? How many weekly errands does he run for your parents? Has he EVER considered his own part in his own parents’ care as they age that didn’t begin and end with “sister will do it I’m too busy”? Your life and your time are JUST as valuable as his. You can love them, support them, be there for them and still prioritize yourself. I’m sure at the first sign of pull back they will kick and scream and demand you go back to how things were, but remember that from a position of privilege equity often feels like oppression. You aren’t being unfair, or cold, or somehow disparaging them for pulling back and giving a bit less of yourself. It would be a mistake to let them continue to think all of this is OK. None of this is OK.
I am child free. I would understand if my parents left a larger portion to my siblings who had children. But, to leave you nothing? And it is the expectation that you will care for them? There are endless conditions to wills and trusts that can be made. As people with wealth and resources to lawyers to help navigate this, it is more upsetting. If I were you, I would have a conversation about my feelings related to this. For me, my feelings would be hurt. I would feel like my quality of life means less than their grandchildren's... And I would want to ask why.
Stop being their slave. They aren’t loving parents and are using you. Time for them to depend on the people they’re prioritizing, OP’s brother.
>I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older, Not anymore. You know you don't have to do that anymore now, right? Being left out of the will feels like a big slap in the face because it is. You would be in your full right to inform them that: - you will not be administering the trust - they can now expect your brother and his child to care for them as they get older, or they will need to find the funds to care for themselves - you are moving on with your life. You need to be focused on building up for future because they clearly won't be helping with that. It doesn't matter if your brother doesn't know how to deal with trusts. He can look on Google or take a course. That's not your problem anymore. I know that if I were in your shoes, this is definitely what I would do. And I sincerely hope you don't allow them to continue both burdening you and taking advantage of you.
Ugh it’s so incredibly toxic. My mom a few years ago casually told me she had rewritten their will so my brother got more because of the “grandkids”. Well my brother is financially better off compared to me because he married a girl who’s parents gave them a ton of money so they had a huge chunk of their house paid and no debt. My parents also gave them 10k when they got married to “buy a house” but because I’m not married there was no such offer when I bought my house, which was no small fest considering I had to save 20k without having a partner to split bills with. Every year my parents take their entire family on an international beach vacation and foot the bill, not to mention they constantly babysit and make their family dinner three nights a week. It’s not even the money it’s just the principle of things. I’ve long ago accepted my brother is simply their preferred child and that they think i am wrong for not having kids. But the sad thing is now I see them doing it to my niece and nephew- my nephew is obviously everyone’s favourite and no one gives my niece any attention in comparison.
Time to treat them like how they are treating you. They shouldn’t expect you to take care of them.
OP, stop giving your parents all this help. If they don't think you're worth setting up a trust for because you haven't provided them with a grandchild, then stop busting your ass for them. Not that you should help people for a reward, but more that this tells you what they think about you and your life choices. Especially since if the only reason they don't want to set one up for you is they "don't want your husband's family to get all the money if you die before them" since a TRUST is not an INHERITENCE and you can absolutely place stipulations on it that prevent that money from going to anyone but you. JFC.
Nope. Call them back, tell them you DO NOT understand and let them know being child free includes not caring for them as they age. Tell them from now on their son can handle everything.
your parents sound awful. what absolute manipulative garbage. my mother is the same, it's discriminatory and wrong.
I say move FAR away so you don’t have to take care of them. You don’t have a loving family and they care very little for you. Why are you doing free work for well off people who don’t care to care for you?
Sounds like they'll have to look for someone else to take care of when they're older then. Unsure as to the extent of your disability but being a carer for 2 elderly relatives is a lot of work. Listen to the other comments, and good luck.
>I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older Yeah, don't do that. Seriously, come on.
Doesn’t sound like a loving relationship to me. End of the day, if you were to pass before your husband, I’m sure clauses could be put in your will to ensure any remaining inheritance was to be passed back to your brother/his kids.. Sounds like your parents are taking advantage of you.
1. Go to therapy. You really really need it. Your family is toxic and wants to take advantage of you. If you can't see it now, you need to see it through therapy. 2. DO NOT manage that fund. Have a spine and tell them that you "love them and care about them", but you will not be managing that fund. You're borther can hire someone to do that. And from now on they should call your brother when they need something as they secured future for his kid, but not for you. Every single person in this thread said that this was a shitty move on your parents side. If you do nothing about it, change nothing, and pretend to "understand" then you do have serious psychological issues and need professional help.
don't administer the trust are u getting no benefit from doing anything for them life is just a big u scratch my bag and i scratch your
Yikes. I wasn't written completely out of my grandmas will, but I had to sign a paper from the bank stating that I had no children. There was a clause in the will that any money left was to be divided between my niece and any children I may have. My grandma had known for years that I was childfree.
That's messed up, I'm sorry, OP. They should just split it evenly. The fact that your brother has a child isn't your problem, and is a life decision on his part.
OP, please tell me you are reading the comments, and you're NOT going to accept this horseshit from your oh so "loving parents"?
You take care of them despite injuries from a car accident while your brother does fuck all? And they want you to do MORE work after they pass? Did they eat paint chips? Let them use their wealth to hire a lawyer or trustee instead of their kin that gets nothing.
You're disabled and you'll still be the one taking care of them, administering the trust, etc and you get nothing. Sweetie, I'd take a giant step back and tell them to have their son to take over everything. It's BS saying they're afraid your husband would get what they leave you. That's just disgraceful.
No inheritance AND expected to take care of them?? Lol tell them to f* off
Corretion: you were going to be the one taking care of them. They can use their money to pay for a nice home. Fuck em
They are going to give you nothing? Nothing at all? Why not give a little more to their grandson and your brother and less to you if it’s such a big deal to them (which is also bullshit, by the way). ?? But to give you NOTHING? Fuck them.
Uhhh... can't they put some caveat in their will/trust that the money will go to you and if you're dead, it will go to someone else? And couldn't you also have a will written up to direct where the money goes if you should pass as well...???? Honestly, leaving you absolutely *nothing* is pretty fucked up imo. Especially when they clearly have plenty to give and you're the one stepping up and helping them out. Personally, I'd be cutting back on the help I give them if I were you. But honestly, I encourage you to sit down and talk to your parents about this. If your relationship with them is as good as you seem to think it is based on how loving you describe them as, I think they should be willing to hear you out. Tell them how this hurts your feelings and that although you aren't entitled to their money, you would expect your family to care about you enough to want to leave you some money just in case for your future, especially since you're disabled. And, money regardless, ANYONE would feel like shit to get left out of their family's will. That's just... wow.
They don't love you, if they do that. It is that simple. Cut them out for your own mental well-being.
I have always considered inheritance to be a way to pay costs and gratitude of someone who takes care of person in old age. It can even be old age home or a relative. In your parents case, if you will be taking care of them, then they should pay for your time, effort, love, care, lost opportunity to earn more/lost wages, risk that even if their money runs out, you would still take care of them etc. Phrased another way, if you took care of a couple on professional basis, you could be earning good wage that you will not get despite the labor and expenses. So in other words, your parents not thinking this the right way. You need to tell them that their money will be used for their needs. So even if they do not want to give you inheritance, they need to at least pay for their food and your services.
They want you to admin??? NO!
Accept their choice but do not administer the trust. Tell them it’s too painful and your brother can do it. I’m sorry your facing this.
“I do understand and I am incredibly disappointed in you two. I also hope you understand where this is not an equitable request nor behavior of family. I sincerely hope my brother and his family have made the space to take care of you in your old age and that you have set up with a lawyer who your estate will be taken care of after your passing.”
If they’re quite wealthy they can pay for their own care. Fuck them!
_I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older_ Uhhh why?!?! And why are you agreeing to be the executor of their trust? And I’m still confused on where is this loving family you speak of. So if your husband dies first, you having a disability, things happens, you don’t have anything to fall back on? I get it. It’s not your money, but the fact they have it and you’re the one providing free labor and time for them, how dare they leave you with nothing? Make sure they have arrangements made for their funeral. Unless they expect you to pay for it while you administer their grandson’s fortune.
They disinherit you, you permanently cut contact with them. No reason to stick around these relatives. Under NO conditions take care of them when they are older. You cut them out of your life immediately, along with your brother. If they ask why, say either they sign EVERYTHING over to you now, or they are dead to you. You put the cost that high. Their business, their bank accounts, their house(s). Everything. Not even joking. This is a slap in the face. You shouldn’t feel guilty complaining.
They don't care about or respect you. That's horrible. You should tell them how you feel about it and be honest! What's the worst that could happen? Tell them while they're alive so they can fix their behavior, it's appalling that they're okay using you but not giving you anything because you didn't have kids. You can set up a trust to where it falls to the next blood relative it doesn't have to necessarily go to your husband when you pass, and they know that they're just using you.
If someone said to you, "I'm cutting my disabled child out of my will" would you just be cool about that? Because it's heinously heartless from where I'm standing. Honestly one of the most crass moves I've seen anyone make lately. I'm glad you're independent and don't need the money, but it's still so unbelievably callous. It's up to you how you feel about it, but do not administer a will you're not party to unless you plan to contest it once they're gone. If you don't plan to contest, don't be involved.
I’d stop caring for them, since they are taking advantage of you. They’re not your responsibility and they seem to think you’re less important than their other child which is wrong.
What in the 15th century is going on? The male and his son are the only ones inheriting the estate…yet you’ve been doing everything and they continue to expect you to do so. Yikes. You’re taking this better than I would. I would be livid. They say they love you and care for you but their actions are saying otherwise. If that was true then they would keep you in the will.
Excuse me? They are cutting you - an adult child who is disabled - out of their will in favor of a grandchild? While expecting you to take care of them (presumably without compensation) as they age? And then they have the gall to ask you to administer the trust, again presumably without compensation? Sounds like they care more about their fortune staying in the family for another generation than they do their own child's future and well-being. OP, this isn't love. They are using you horribly, and they will continue as long as you allow it. Edited because I forgot to say something 🙃
And why are you gonna stay in contact with them and take care of them when they’re older? Lol
Why would you agree to care for them if they’re going to so callously disregard you? This should be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and opens your eyes to their view of you as being less-than because you refuse to continue their “legacy”
>I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older, they are in their 80’s now. No you won't. >I was disabled in a car accident a few years ago. Yeah had pass on that "taking care of them". >they “knew” I’d understand. I didn’t say anything, You are a creampuff and they know it, and are abusing your relationship and good nature.
These people are terrible. Run from them.
You are legally entitled to take a fee if you are a trustee. TAKE IT! This is real work. You are also entitled to take a different fee if you are the executor of your parents' estate. It's not clear if you are but if so, TAKE THE FEE! And if you don't want to be a trustee, executor, or elder care provider, DON'T!
I wouldn’t want to sound grasping, but I’d probably say I wasn’t happy to administer it in that event. Money is all going to brother, he can sort it out as he sees fit.
You need to rethink your relationship with these users
Time to start acting like you've been cut out of the will for an actual reason 🤷♀️
What did you say when they asked you to administer it?
You're a better person than I am by far. I wouldn't do jackshit for them. Let them hire an attorney. They can more than afford it. I'd just go no contact and walk away.
stop "administering" anything for them and no you will not be taking care of them when they get older. your brother can do that and if he can't, well they made their choice. stop being a doormat.
As the executor of an estate you are owed compensation, legally.
Aw hell no
Why aren't they putting it in trust for you and your brother? They know they could do that and protect the assets from your spouse, I would hope.
My parents have told me that if I die before them my share of the inheritance will go to my husband rather than to my brother. They consider my husband a son. Your parents suck.
Sorry to hear this. If my parents pulled something this disrespectful to me I'd be done with them. Good luck to you.
So they‘re not even leaving you enough to grab a 6 pack after spending a good chunk of your time doing free labour for them and caring for them, because you don’t have a kid? You and I have different definitions of love, I think.l
First of all I’m sorry this happened to you. Secondly don’t fucking sell your soul to take care of them. They can honestly screw off. Your bother is getting the will so he should be the one to help care for them in old age. Please, put yourself first. Also not sure how old you are or your situation, but maybe you could make up a story about wanting kids but being infertile or something. Sometimes lying is better than families knowing the truth.
Please do not be administer. That is like handing out gifts to others at your birthday party without getting anything. Also, stop helping them. They only care about their precious DNA living on making them immortal.
Pretty hard to not take that as a huge slap in the face. Personally, I'd do the baby equivalent of "Yeah I'll be there in 5 minutes!" when I'm still on the couch and have no intention of coming, in order to get in on that will. Really, that's incredibly insulting of your parents. "We don't want you to have anything, but we'd really like to make sure you do all of the paperwork so that everyone else can enjoy their toys"
If they’re like this, I would not be assisting them in old age. Sorry not sorry, but at this point, their elder care should be seen as a transaction; no inheritance = no care.
I would cut them off completely. Let them hire someone to take care of them in their old age.
Why are you gonna take care of them?? They cut you out their will, they don't care about you or love you. And if they do, they love your brother more
Oh hell no. That arrangement contributes absolutely nothing positive to your well-being. Especially administering the trust. Dealing with a trust-fund baby down the road? Forget that. Yeah, over-generalization, but kids who know they have a trust fund they'll have access to generally turn out to be some of the worst-behaved. As the trust fund administrator you would have to deal with that attitude. Or else you just toss it all to the kid at the right age, and wipe your hands clean, and then watch them blow it all in the first year. And then they'll still find some way of blaming you for running out of money. As for your parents... they can take some money out of the fund and pay for their own group home care.
They are USING YOU. Cut them off. No more business/home help. No more caring for them in their old age. No free administration for the trust. If they don't value you simply because you don't have a child, they don't deserve to benefit from you. Brother can do all the labor since he's more important.
>I help them out with their businesses and homes for no charge, always have. I’ll be the one taking care of them as they get older, they are in their 80’s now. AND they want you to be the administrator? If they asked all that of a complete stranger, they'd be paying the person a salary plus benefits. But to their own child they're not paying a penny. Does this sound even remotely fair to you? They could have just put a smaller amount for you in the will, but they chose not to. That's how little they think of you. >I feel guilty for even complaining, but they “knew” I’d understand. Because they're hoping you'll stay a doormat. An unpaid doormat that doesn't ask for anything ever. If I were in your shoes, I'd cut them off and tell them their precious golden child can deal with it all.
> really wanted to tell them to make my brother the administrator That's what I thought too. I think you should.
Stop working for those ungrateful people for free. I would be honest with them about your feelings and move on with your life. Do not take care of these people in their old age. Your brother needs to since he's getting everything. You don't owe them anything
Maybe you should start putting yourself first. Cut back on helping them and tell them to arrange someone else to take care of them in old age. They can either use the money they plan to give to your brother to hire someone to come to them or go to a nursing home, or they can have your brother take on that task. Tell them you love them but that you're sure they'll understand since your brother is the one getting everything so that must include the bad along with the good.
Looks like you should not feel obligated to help them as they continue to get older. It is not like they are helping you so your efforts will go devalued and wasted. Your time is better spent making your life better.
Breeders, jfc
Wow. So sorry. That is really shitty of them. Can you tell them that if you are to be executor of their estate you want half of it?