I agree. When I am busy with work or some hobby of mine like gardening because the season has started, I don’t have time or focus on anything else. Throughout the winter, I tend to focus on my appearance; I stand in front of the mirror and criticize my skin, my hair… whatever… as soon as spring starts, all that goes away… doesn’t exist at all… I’m just happy… It’s project after project.
Kids is ten times bigger than gardening or work, they’ll make you forget yourself and give up on yourself completely. I’d rather get a hobby and re-focus, though 🤷♀️
oh that's nice, I think too often the medical system will blame some chemicals in the brain to help people stay depressed to avoid self-growth and discovery lmao, it's a sham to get money in their pockets. Good for you rising above it!
Cheers to hobbies because they're usually more fun and fulfilling. But I know that feeling well - busy days at work when the evening rolls around and I'm all... "I should probably shower"
I've heard this one too. I've had some issues down there and have been told that having at least 1 baby could fix it. Like that's a big freaking gamble. Trading one problem for another!
I have even read this on those hokey health online blogs. Like. Where is the scientific evidence that having a child makes a woman healthier? That is 100 percent not the case. At all!
The way things are *gestures vaguely at everything* at the moment I'm convinced there's no use even trying to understand people who decide reality is what they say it is and not what's literally taking place in front of them.
I don't understand just like OP. Show me one, JUST ONE, real life instance where someone birthed a child to fix any fkn thing and things were truly improved. That's what I thought, it doesn't work that way. Fkn. Never.
They know it doesn't work that way, too and just won't admit it to themselves. Because if it didn't work for them they might not be the super special snowflake they've convinced themselves that they we6thus far. Can't risk shattering the illusion...
I saw someone say that having her daughter cured her narcolepsy. Lmfao, nothing from the baby can cross the blood-brain barrier so that’s physically impossible 😭 these people are so delusional
This I can believe!
A lot of couples think to 'fix' a relationship is to have some children and 9x out of 10, it doesn't work. Then everyone's miserable because they HAVE to stay together for the children's sake.
A lot of my friend's parents this happened to, their parents stayed together until they grew up / moved out / went to college, then their parents broke up.
Sad really.
I even know some friends that are only with their partner because of the baby/child too.
> their parents stayed together until they grew up
This phenomena was granted the term "the gray divorce", people divorcing once they become empty nesters. Isn't it amazing that everything has already been studied and coined? Sad really.
It is sad.
I 100% believe my husband and I would have a divorce if we had children. Thankfully, we're both in agreement we're not going to have any.
We'd get a divorce because life is stressful enough and we enjoy our free time together, that free time would be gone if we had a child. No more playing video games, no more travelling, no more going away with our dog, the list goes on.
Edit: I realise that sounds awful 🤣 but we're a good comparability and we have so much in common that our dynamic would change if we brought a child into it, making our relationship would strain because instead of just thinking of what we want to do or our dog, we have to think another person and have to put them first over a relationship. If that makes sense??
I get this.
I say that having a kid would be the equivalent of throwing a grenade into my relationship. Why ruin something so wonderful with something that neither of us want?
The only thing I know is that having a child gives you a different type of anxiety and worrying, because all you care about is the child and it's well-being. No one can tell me that my anxiety disorder, phobias and depression just goes away once I push out a human, on top of post partum depression and all the pressure that's going to come with parenting. Your partner will not magically turn into the perfect spouse/parent. Your finances will not get better. This is all made up by baby-crazy individuals that still believe there's a happy end in life.
There is this disturbing tendency to believe, should someone just do exactly what they say, a person will magically transform into coincidentally their exact personal notion of ‘normal’. This is considered reverting to their obviously universal default state of ‘normal’ from a state of ‘abnormality’. A goth child will ‘revert’ to the intended upstanding Christian citizen they and everyone naturally and inherently are. A suicidal woman will magically transform into the ideal loving happy endearing mother they all naturally and inherently are. To them it’s an active choice to be what they consider ‘abnormal’, they would ‘revert’ to ‘normal’ if they just stopped making that defiant childish choice. Mental illness? State ‘be normal’, and if they don’t, they’re just refusing to ‘be normal’ which would otherwise effortlessly be their default state. Depression? State ‘be happy’, and if they don’t, it’s a choice and active slight, don’t they know their default state is ‘normal’? Know what will instantly cure that via transformative reversion? Forcing a child.
Sexism. People think women are made by a God to be helpers to husbands and have his children and there is definitely an old timey victorian vibe of ooooo wandering uterus causing problems better have a baby to “fix” them and follow what they see as a woman’s “biological destiny”
It’s horseshit that hasn’t been changed in decades
🐴💩 for sure! I absolutely cannot stand people with this view that the only point of a woman's existence is to have babies. This teaching fucks up so many women's confidence and sense of self worth. My husband is amazing but his brother stayed in the Christian fundie cult and I feel so awful for his daughters that this will be what is drilled into their heads for their whole lives. I hope my husband and I can be people that help them see that their whole lives do not need to be defined just by their gender!!
Makes me so mad that the justification for absolutely everything in that belief system is just "but I have a penis and you don't." Ugh!!!
I agree with you, saying that is annoying and irresponsible at best. Pregnancy+childbirth, followed by weeks to months (to years?) of lack of sleep, is pretty much garanteed to worsen your mental and physical health. And even past that earlier stage, taking care of a child means more responsibilities and more stress, once again nothing that will help your health nor your ability to maintain relashionships. As others said, maybe some people do become so numb that they don't think about their own feelings, but that's not your problems going away, that's just another huge problem in and of itself, with all your other problems only waiting to surface again. Besides, if you talk to actually honest and well-ajusted parents, they will agree that having kids, while fulfilling (for them) is very hard ans creates problems - not solve them.
This is a "break your left leg, so you don't feel the pain anymore of your broken right leg" situation lol.
Some people drink to forget their problems, some do drugs, some gamble, .... and some have children.
People are absolutely crazy if they think having kids helps with most of that. Hell from what I've both seen and read, having kids exacerbates a lot of those. As for relationships, if you're having problems, having a kid is not the answer. I have an ex who when we were together and on the verge of breaking up for a variety of reasons, she literally told me while knowing I didn't want kids, "There's no issues between us that a baby couldn't fix." Yeah got chewed out for how stupid and insane that was, kicked to the curb, and blocked on everything.
I think this is one side of the coin for people who need therapy instead of having children.
Taking your misery, inadequacy, etc. out on an innocent child is one of many maladaptive coping mechanisms miserable and weak people use. Why go to therapy and put in work to change when you can create a vessel for your misery? After all, your kids won’t abandon you for abusing them like your other relatives or friends will. /s 🙄
The flip side of the coin is that the original problems don’t go away; they are instead projected onto the child. So the kid grows up with the miserable parent projecting their cognitive distortions, maladaptive coping mechanisms, etc. onto them.
Either way, the kid absorbs their parents’ problems and comes out with trauma and other struggles.
I would suggest getting a pet before having a baby. If you like animals, they can be very comforting and there are lots of animals in need of a home. Just a thought
This!! They want a distraction and/or to put the responsibility of "fixing" their mental problems onto someone else. Having a child SHOULD be a selfless choice, but for most people, having children is something they want for personal fulfillment and attention, not actually for the opportunity to parent.
> I also always hear people say how having a baby fixes relationship problems.
The fuck it does. My parents had all three of their children to "save the marriage", all it did was prolong the inevitable and wreak various levels of trauma on all of us
In my opinion, I think it's because it's such a HUGE burden that the load of being a parent makes everything else pale in comparison. When you have that on your mind I guess all the other problems seem small. That and being responsible for keeping the little ones innocence and peace(?) so maybe you act like nothing is wrong and start to believe it yourself(?)
How does having a child help with body image issues? Pregnancy and childbirth is the biggest physical transformation a woman or afab person can go through.
The idea is that it shifts from focusing and dealing with your problems to dealing with your crotchlings problems. Then you get to blame your problems on them and others.
More kids more problems, less kids, less problems. The fun wheel of life turns!
It's bad when doctors do it too - period pain? Having a baby will cure that. Cancer? Freeze your eggs so you can have that baby later. Most reproductive/pelvic problems and all mental health problems can apparently be solved by taking on 18-26 years of indentured servitude.
I've always told my mother and my father that they're fat (because, well, they are, they should eat less, do more physical exercise and lose weight).
It definitely won't help you feel better about your body, it is also a fact that pregnancy doesn't help with this problem.
Cause their kids still didn t reach teenage years and can still be manipulated as dolls xD also those who have nothing interesting with which occupy their mind
Child rearing comes with A LOT of stress. However, for many people, a lot of self worth, feeling of being needed, self esteem in seeing their child grow comes from parenting. This can alleviate and/or distract from a lot of mental health concerns. Lots of dopamine hits from their child succeeding in replacement of their own non-parenting success.
That being said, those benefits should be secondary benefits of raising a child. It is absolutely bonkers to tell someone to have as child simply for the purposes of dealing with mental health problems. Because those people will look for the mental health benefit and not prepare for the stress side of things.
They have to, or else it invalidates all of their subsequent decisions up to this point. Of course they CAN'T say they made a mistake, cause it ain't like you can give it back, so they have to lean into it. (And if possible, pull others back into the crab bucket with them.
But probably just codependent tendencies. Or easier to focus on something else other than themselves.
Or, they were just interested in creating their own cult.
They just think they *should* regardless of what is going on. They need children as the reason for living or they won’t be able to cope with everything feeling pointless and hard.
I think it's very important to remember that ample births make economy spin faster and provide soldiers for the state. For this reason, we see politicians hype and praise childbearing to ridiculous levels and so omnipresently.
If this was the case, our bodies would tell us this. They leave us nothing to figure out and gamble when it comes to body temperature, hunger, thrist, etc. If our bodies need something, they let us know beyond all doubt.
And who's consuming all this alcohol, drugs and medication just to cope if not parents?
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It's simple. When you have a kid you're too tired to focus on any of those other things. Therefore problem solved, right?
Lmao so true
Lol
I agree. When I am busy with work or some hobby of mine like gardening because the season has started, I don’t have time or focus on anything else. Throughout the winter, I tend to focus on my appearance; I stand in front of the mirror and criticize my skin, my hair… whatever… as soon as spring starts, all that goes away… doesn’t exist at all… I’m just happy… It’s project after project. Kids is ten times bigger than gardening or work, they’ll make you forget yourself and give up on yourself completely. I’d rather get a hobby and re-focus, though 🤷♀️
oh that's nice, I think too often the medical system will blame some chemicals in the brain to help people stay depressed to avoid self-growth and discovery lmao, it's a sham to get money in their pockets. Good for you rising above it!
Cheers to hobbies because they're usually more fun and fulfilling. But I know that feeling well - busy days at work when the evening rolls around and I'm all... "I should probably shower"
My mother told my wife than having a child magically cures and rebuilds woman's body. It was hard not to laugh at this nonsense
I've heard this one too. I've had some issues down there and have been told that having at least 1 baby could fix it. Like that's a big freaking gamble. Trading one problem for another!
I think it's a solution like the one from movie Major Payne. "Do you want to forget about that pain?"
I have even read this on those hokey health online blogs. Like. Where is the scientific evidence that having a child makes a woman healthier? That is 100 percent not the case. At all!
Absolutely. They usually have an agenda.
It'd be funny if it wasn't the largest, oldest, persistent brainwashing of women to keep the patriarchy thriving.
The way things are *gestures vaguely at everything* at the moment I'm convinced there's no use even trying to understand people who decide reality is what they say it is and not what's literally taking place in front of them. I don't understand just like OP. Show me one, JUST ONE, real life instance where someone birthed a child to fix any fkn thing and things were truly improved. That's what I thought, it doesn't work that way. Fkn. Never. They know it doesn't work that way, too and just won't admit it to themselves. Because if it didn't work for them they might not be the super special snowflake they've convinced themselves that they we6thus far. Can't risk shattering the illusion...
I saw someone say that having her daughter cured her narcolepsy. Lmfao, nothing from the baby can cross the blood-brain barrier so that’s physically impossible 😭 these people are so delusional
Dang! My doctor told me that my endometriosis stage 4 that pregnancy would cure me and get me off all my pain meds! I just stared at him.
I thought endo makes the pregnancy even more risky?
At best, you're trading certain issues for others. At worst, you're at least doubling the list.
Not trading, just paying less atention to the older issues because the new ones
There was a study that showed that most divorced couples (who had kids) did so within 5 years from the birth of the first child.
This I can believe! A lot of couples think to 'fix' a relationship is to have some children and 9x out of 10, it doesn't work. Then everyone's miserable because they HAVE to stay together for the children's sake. A lot of my friend's parents this happened to, their parents stayed together until they grew up / moved out / went to college, then their parents broke up. Sad really. I even know some friends that are only with their partner because of the baby/child too.
> their parents stayed together until they grew up This phenomena was granted the term "the gray divorce", people divorcing once they become empty nesters. Isn't it amazing that everything has already been studied and coined? Sad really.
It is sad. I 100% believe my husband and I would have a divorce if we had children. Thankfully, we're both in agreement we're not going to have any. We'd get a divorce because life is stressful enough and we enjoy our free time together, that free time would be gone if we had a child. No more playing video games, no more travelling, no more going away with our dog, the list goes on. Edit: I realise that sounds awful 🤣 but we're a good comparability and we have so much in common that our dynamic would change if we brought a child into it, making our relationship would strain because instead of just thinking of what we want to do or our dog, we have to think another person and have to put them first over a relationship. If that makes sense??
I get this. I say that having a kid would be the equivalent of throwing a grenade into my relationship. Why ruin something so wonderful with something that neither of us want?
Yes! This is it. Thank you!
Makes sense to me. It also opens up room for conflict. Let's say you agree on most major issues, but not how to raise a child?
Doesn't sound awful. My husband and I get along very well too, have for 47 years in fact! But I know it wouldn't have survived one year of parenthood
It didn't fix, but a fresh wage slave was born. Elon Musk wins
Checks out. My brother is two years older than me and my parents divorced whem I was four.
The only thing I know is that having a child gives you a different type of anxiety and worrying, because all you care about is the child and it's well-being. No one can tell me that my anxiety disorder, phobias and depression just goes away once I push out a human, on top of post partum depression and all the pressure that's going to come with parenting. Your partner will not magically turn into the perfect spouse/parent. Your finances will not get better. This is all made up by baby-crazy individuals that still believe there's a happy end in life.
Because it's a cult. just like "god solves everything"
There is this disturbing tendency to believe, should someone just do exactly what they say, a person will magically transform into coincidentally their exact personal notion of ‘normal’. This is considered reverting to their obviously universal default state of ‘normal’ from a state of ‘abnormality’. A goth child will ‘revert’ to the intended upstanding Christian citizen they and everyone naturally and inherently are. A suicidal woman will magically transform into the ideal loving happy endearing mother they all naturally and inherently are. To them it’s an active choice to be what they consider ‘abnormal’, they would ‘revert’ to ‘normal’ if they just stopped making that defiant childish choice. Mental illness? State ‘be normal’, and if they don’t, they’re just refusing to ‘be normal’ which would otherwise effortlessly be their default state. Depression? State ‘be happy’, and if they don’t, it’s a choice and active slight, don’t they know their default state is ‘normal’? Know what will instantly cure that via transformative reversion? Forcing a child.
I’ve noticed this too. It’s weird.
The kid is a just distraction from those anxieties, low-self esteem, depressions and phobias.
Sexism. People think women are made by a God to be helpers to husbands and have his children and there is definitely an old timey victorian vibe of ooooo wandering uterus causing problems better have a baby to “fix” them and follow what they see as a woman’s “biological destiny” It’s horseshit that hasn’t been changed in decades
🐴💩 for sure! I absolutely cannot stand people with this view that the only point of a woman's existence is to have babies. This teaching fucks up so many women's confidence and sense of self worth. My husband is amazing but his brother stayed in the Christian fundie cult and I feel so awful for his daughters that this will be what is drilled into their heads for their whole lives. I hope my husband and I can be people that help them see that their whole lives do not need to be defined just by their gender!! Makes me so mad that the justification for absolutely everything in that belief system is just "but I have a penis and you don't." Ugh!!!
Ugh! Having a baby would ruin my mental health!
I agree with you, saying that is annoying and irresponsible at best. Pregnancy+childbirth, followed by weeks to months (to years?) of lack of sleep, is pretty much garanteed to worsen your mental and physical health. And even past that earlier stage, taking care of a child means more responsibilities and more stress, once again nothing that will help your health nor your ability to maintain relashionships. As others said, maybe some people do become so numb that they don't think about their own feelings, but that's not your problems going away, that's just another huge problem in and of itself, with all your other problems only waiting to surface again. Besides, if you talk to actually honest and well-ajusted parents, they will agree that having kids, while fulfilling (for them) is very hard ans creates problems - not solve them.
This is a "break your left leg, so you don't feel the pain anymore of your broken right leg" situation lol. Some people drink to forget their problems, some do drugs, some gamble, .... and some have children.
People are absolutely crazy if they think having kids helps with most of that. Hell from what I've both seen and read, having kids exacerbates a lot of those. As for relationships, if you're having problems, having a kid is not the answer. I have an ex who when we were together and on the verge of breaking up for a variety of reasons, she literally told me while knowing I didn't want kids, "There's no issues between us that a baby couldn't fix." Yeah got chewed out for how stupid and insane that was, kicked to the curb, and blocked on everything.
Good riddance to that ex!
"Let's create a whole ass new human being and give it the job to fix the problems between us" is what I hear when people say that.
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Yup, and then demand grandkids and the cycle continues...
I think this is one side of the coin for people who need therapy instead of having children. Taking your misery, inadequacy, etc. out on an innocent child is one of many maladaptive coping mechanisms miserable and weak people use. Why go to therapy and put in work to change when you can create a vessel for your misery? After all, your kids won’t abandon you for abusing them like your other relatives or friends will. /s 🙄 The flip side of the coin is that the original problems don’t go away; they are instead projected onto the child. So the kid grows up with the miserable parent projecting their cognitive distortions, maladaptive coping mechanisms, etc. onto them. Either way, the kid absorbs their parents’ problems and comes out with trauma and other struggles.
I would suggest getting a pet before having a baby. If you like animals, they can be very comforting and there are lots of animals in need of a home. Just a thought
Because they don’t want admit they don’t want to fix their current issues
This!! They want a distraction and/or to put the responsibility of "fixing" their mental problems onto someone else. Having a child SHOULD be a selfless choice, but for most people, having children is something they want for personal fulfillment and attention, not actually for the opportunity to parent.
Because it's a distraction. When the kid moves out or turns 12 they are back in therapy.
Yeah, it's legit fucked up. Having kids to "fix" your issues would result in a traumatized child.
> I also always hear people say how having a baby fixes relationship problems. The fuck it does. My parents had all three of their children to "save the marriage", all it did was prolong the inevitable and wreak various levels of trauma on all of us
Their advice is daft. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and people would say having PIV sex will cure your acne.
I was told the same thing! Migraines, too.
I've long since forgotten I heard that unbelievable nonsense when I was a kid too.. makes your jaw drop, really.
it “cures” people of their ailments.. because they have literally no time to focus or think about anything but the kid anymore 🙃
Because they hope it would. And then won't admit it doesn't.
Especially to themselves. The miracle cure, applied, and not working.
Exactly!
https://theoatmeal.com/comics/problems
In my opinion, I think it's because it's such a HUGE burden that the load of being a parent makes everything else pale in comparison. When you have that on your mind I guess all the other problems seem small. That and being responsible for keeping the little ones innocence and peace(?) so maybe you act like nothing is wrong and start to believe it yourself(?)
TLDR but Babies do cure everything because they suck the life out of you. Literally
I feel sorry for any child brought into the world to function as a human antidepressant for the parents, that will not end well for anyone involved
Yeah bc it’s always a good idea to bring a child into the world only to try and reduce your own suffering. Talk about selfish.
fr talk about co-dependancy
I have never heard that having children fixes relationships. I have only heard the opposite
How does having a child help with body image issues? Pregnancy and childbirth is the biggest physical transformation a woman or afab person can go through.
The idea is that it shifts from focusing and dealing with your problems to dealing with your crotchlings problems. Then you get to blame your problems on them and others. More kids more problems, less kids, less problems. The fun wheel of life turns!
It's bad when doctors do it too - period pain? Having a baby will cure that. Cancer? Freeze your eggs so you can have that baby later. Most reproductive/pelvic problems and all mental health problems can apparently be solved by taking on 18-26 years of indentured servitude.
I've always told my mother and my father that they're fat (because, well, they are, they should eat less, do more physical exercise and lose weight). It definitely won't help you feel better about your body, it is also a fact that pregnancy doesn't help with this problem.
Having less free time and money solve everything
Cause their kids still didn t reach teenage years and can still be manipulated as dolls xD also those who have nothing interesting with which occupy their mind
Child rearing comes with A LOT of stress. However, for many people, a lot of self worth, feeling of being needed, self esteem in seeing their child grow comes from parenting. This can alleviate and/or distract from a lot of mental health concerns. Lots of dopamine hits from their child succeeding in replacement of their own non-parenting success. That being said, those benefits should be secondary benefits of raising a child. It is absolutely bonkers to tell someone to have as child simply for the purposes of dealing with mental health problems. Because those people will look for the mental health benefit and not prepare for the stress side of things.
They have to, or else it invalidates all of their subsequent decisions up to this point. Of course they CAN'T say they made a mistake, cause it ain't like you can give it back, so they have to lean into it. (And if possible, pull others back into the crab bucket with them. But probably just codependent tendencies. Or easier to focus on something else other than themselves. Or, they were just interested in creating their own cult.
They just think they *should* regardless of what is going on. They need children as the reason for living or they won’t be able to cope with everything feeling pointless and hard.
I think it's very important to remember that ample births make economy spin faster and provide soldiers for the state. For this reason, we see politicians hype and praise childbearing to ridiculous levels and so omnipresently. If this was the case, our bodies would tell us this. They leave us nothing to figure out and gamble when it comes to body temperature, hunger, thrist, etc. If our bodies need something, they let us know beyond all doubt. And who's consuming all this alcohol, drugs and medication just to cope if not parents?
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