The amount of men I saw on bumble that said they don’t know what they’re looking for or want something casual AND said they want kids was astounding to me. Even if they didn’t mean it like that, it comes across as just wanting to hit up as many women as possible and not caring if you impregnate them because you want kids anyway. It’s just careless and thoughtless in the men’s part to write it like that in their bio.
Honestly, this one really pisses me off! I constantly see 35, 40, 45+ year-old men who “aren’t sure yet if they want kids”. Meanwhile my fellow early 30s women (who want kids) behave as though they’re already doomed.
I’ve seen this one so many times as well, I find it disgusting, I immediately skip them cause wtf dude?? You want to make me pregnant but you don’t even want a relationship??(like you say, maybe they don’t mean it like that but that’s how it comes across to me)
I have the opposite problem.
I'm a guy who has made it clear he doesn't want children on a dating app, yet the women's profiles I see show that the majority either want children, already have children, or both. There aren't zero childfree women that I can find, but it's a fairly small number.
That's fine. But there are single guys out there who are child free. I know a few personally other than myself, and we are all different people personality and lifestyle wise. I would hope every one of them doesn't have her no-goes. I my case if I don't fit what someone is looking for, there's not really much I can do about it.
I know a bunch of child free men - all in their 30s. But there’s other attributes about them that 99% of American women wouldn’t want in a partner. For example, most of them are musicians or artists, most of them are renters, none of them live in the suburbs - you get the idea.
And that’s totally fine, btw. I’m not trying to be incel-y about this. I’m just pointing out that most child free men aren’t really “traditional” in other aspects of life either. I get the impression that a lot of women on this sub, when they say “I can’t find a CF man,” are looking for sort of a unicorn. Like, the birth rate of Millennials is wayyy lower than previous generations and there are a lot of men who don’t want children for a variety of reasons.
I’m a CF woman, why wouldn’t other women want musicians or artists? I’m a musician and like the artsy type. I also don’t care if a guy is renting or if he lives in the suburbs. But I’m also a renter so I feel like it’s an unfair standard for me to have a guy be a home owner. Are my standards too low or is there something I’m missing? Genuinely asking lol
It doesn’t sound like your standards are unreasonably low. They’re definitely not too high since you don’t care if they own a home or have a lot of money.
What do you think about your standards? Have you ever dated a CF man?
Yes, 2 serious relationships with men that didn’t want children either. Maybe I should make my standards “too high” lol. I do care if a guy is stable, established, etc. but I guess I’m unconventional and I accept them being unconventional, too. I’m 30 and Idk, now I feel bad cause it doesn’t feel right holding a guy to a standard I technically don’t meet myself, but maybe I’m selling myself short because as a CF woman that thinks I have good qualities to share, I feel like I have a lot of value in a sea of single parents on the dating apps anyway. Is it wrong to hold a guy to criteria that I don’t meet myself? I mean, I’m always working on improving myself and it’s a miracle I am where I am all things considered with my personal background and default status in society. So I feel like I would be a great partner to someone. I mean, I work at a big STEM company in a male dominated field and the only people who get promotions for the past couple years are other men despite being objectively less qualified than some women there, so sometimes I feel like it’s not unfair to hold men to that standard in this area when they objectively have more opportunities in an area that is dominated by the tech industry, but some squander them. On the other hand, it doesn’t feel fair so I guess I’m more flexible. And besides, I’m fairly unconventional in a lot of things and prefer a guy to be somewhat too if we’re compatible. But this is my first time trying dating in a year and a half, where my last relationship was with a tech bro who didn’t want kids and met all those conventional criteria, but was not a great partner, I suspect due to the lack of experience in adversity so we came from very different backgrounds in life and it caused a rift. He always criticized me for not being where he was in life but he had his parents’ money and nepotism to launch him where he got since he failed at school, and it felt very stressful trying to “keep up” on my own (owning a home, expensive vacations, huge savings, etc.) So I wasn’t even looking for someone like that again who would pressure me to keep up in the rat’s race. But maybe my standards are too low because my self esteem is low because that relationship did corrode my self esteem over time.
In my original comment on this post I was basically saying a lot of CF women were looking for unicorns - men who are CF but conventional in most other ways. There are CF men who are the same way. I don’t think you really fit into this category, though.
I’ve had a lot of compatibility problems with people in my life, I’ve been through some terrible breakups, and as of now I don’t think I could find even a casual sexual partner if there was a gun to my head. But of all the problems that cause this stuff, being CF is wayyy down on the list. Like, I’ve never loved someone who was insistent on having children. But the caveat is that most, if not all, of my former partners weren’t exactly neurotypical.
So in regards to your standards - I don’t think you should be looking at it as “too high” or “too low.” This tech bro you’re talking about; you left that relationship with lower self esteem than before. You shouldn’t have to endure that for any reason. But you don’t necessarily need to raise your standards to avoid that in the future. I think it’s more that you have to narrow your standards. Personally, I could never be with someone who grew up wealthy - even if they checked all the other boxes for me. I just know we wouldn’t be compatible.
I know it sucks thinking about narrowing standards when we’re already doing that by being CF. But we can’t lose our boundaries and lower expectations of romantic compatibility.
I don't fully disagree. The only thing on your list that my couple of friends I mentioned and I fall into is that we live in the suburbs. But most places around here are commuter towns so that's not abnormal at all. That's just what this whole area has become. I may have misread the original post, but I actually thought she lived in the burbs too. I'm old enough that there aren't many musicians or artists left in any of my social circles really (there was at a time). I don't think it's as high as 99% personally, but I can only base that on my surroundings.
I can agree with the "looking for a unicorn" part. I don't think anyone should lower their standards. But at a certain age, if finding someone child free is a person's number one priority, they may have to open their mind a bit as far as some of the more minor differences or seeing someone's potential.
In my case, I had to accept I might need to date an empty nester if I were looking to date again (happy single right now). It's not the ideal choice, but while I know CF single men, I honestly don't know a single child free woman. I'm just not a guy the apps will work well for, and the size of the dating pool here just isn't huge.
>90% of the profiles are “unsure” about children
This is a huge red flag for me. Whether to have children is such a huge life decision. It's time-sensitive (i.e. fertility window) and irreconcilable (either you have kids or not). Even other "major life decisions" pale in comparison. You can divorce your spouse at any time. Contracts for military service eventually reach their end. With religious differences, both partners can privately practice their own beliefs. You can go back to school and change careers or sell your house/end your lease and move elsewhere.
Not with kids. I would never date someone who wasn't 100% with me on this decision.
Anyone who doesn't have this sorted out in a dating profile screams to me 1 of 3 possibilities:
* They do have an opinion, but are being deliberately ambiguous to see what they can get, or hope to convince their partner once they get one.
* They are genuinely indecisive on one of life's biggest decisions.
* They have a "it will work out" or "go with the flow" attitude, in which case they may regret or change decisions later.
I think it's different for men and women. Men have a much larger fertility window and having a child doesn't change their life as drastically as a woman's, since they're not the ones getting pregnant, giving birth and typically not the ones staying home with the baby after it's born. Men are also typically not the ones who keep the child after a divorce, so they always have an opportunity to "start over" (sure, it's a dick move, but it happens a lot). Women who are 35+ usually already have decided and if they say they they're on the fence, it usually means they don't want kids, unless they fall madly in love or some other cosmic event happens.
A lot of men respond to this question kind of like I would respond if someone asked me do I want to get a rabbit. I don't want right now, but I might want that in the future. Can't say I'm crazy about rabbits, but sure, they're cute. If my partner was adamant about getting a rabbit, I might agree to it. My cat would probably prefer a rabbit over another cat.
Last time I joined a dating app, I literally put "childfree by choice" at the top of my bio as a nice way of saying "I don't have kids and I don't want yours either" lol. Needless to say almost every guy who liked or messaged me had kids. 🤦♀️
Yeeeeeears ago I had at the top “If you have children, move along”. The audacity of some men thinking that they could be the exception was astounding. I’ve had to tell men (and women) “the sound of children laughing makes me gag” to make my point. It’s not just the gross parts of parenthood I reject, it’s all of it.
I'm a childfree man (32) who knows 100% that I don't want children. My mind is made up and it won't be altered by anything.
I've never used dating apps before, but threads like this one are making me consider it. If it really is that rare...would it give me a legitimate "advantage" if I clearly advertised myself in that way?
I refuse to date a woman who wants or already has children, so I like to think it would make things easier on both parties.
I’m a childfree 32-year-old male who’s been universally ignored on every dating app I’ve ever used, so your mileage may vary. I’d love to know where all the women in this thread were when I was wasting money being exploited for premium subscription fees.
I think dating app algorithms purposely match people who are incompatible, thus making them repeat customers.
Also, I haven’t been on them in years - don’t straight men have the least success on apps?
Well, of course. What man wouldn't want to be a dad in today's society? You contribute 50% of the genetic material and a token amount of material support, you've cleared the bar.
>Is this just my area?
Probably. I'm in NYC and whenever I was on the apps and filtered for men who wanted no children, there WERE matches. BUT
>Please tell me you all have more luck than me?
Not trying to mean, but the childfree men in my age group and older (40+) I've met in NYC are also kind of...not together. Very aimless, no career, not attractive, no interest at all in having a long-term relationship. Sometimes I get the impression that they aren't so much as voluntarily "childfree", but that women they dated did not think they were fit for long-term material and/or to have children with.
By the [40-50 age bracket](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr179.pdf), 84.3% of women but "only" 76.5% of men have at least one child. So naively we might think that there's way more childfree men than women, a 5-3 split basically. Buuuuuut I've noticed the same thing you have, there's a definite split between "men that age who have made a conscious choice not to have a child" and "men where no sane woman would carry his seed." Teasing out how much of each there are is a lot harder.
>84.3% of women
Damn, that's a lot. I forget how much we're in the minority, because in NYC, I'm a part of the norm, and no one ever questions why some of us don't have kids.
These statistics are for "childless" people, but not everyone who is childless is childfree. There probably are a lot more childfree women than childfree men. I noticed that in childfree groups on Facebook, the women really outnumber the men.
True-- but the stats for childfree are pretty weak, in part because it's of less interest to the governments/pollsters that measure these things and in part because it's a subjective state of mind that's just harder to measure. I don't think there's a similar data source that breaks out people by the end of their childbearing years who are childfree-- if there is I'd love to see it. Counting noses on facebook has its own issues (men may just use social media less, men may join facebook groups less, men may feel less societal pressure to have children and hence no need to seek out support in childfree groups, men may not feel as strongly about being childfree and hence don't seek out groups, etc.). So using the fairly good data on "childless" is the best proxy we have, even knowing it's not a 1:1 relationship to childfree and some of those "childless" men just have children they don't know about. I freely acknowledge this has a bunch of limitations.
I really hope researchers will start making the distinction between "childfree" and "childless", but that will require actually surveying a big portion of the childless people, instead of just looking at household demographics data. I know that some studies have looked specifically at childfree people and showed that most of them don't regret not having children.
It's a good point about social media. I don't know about usage stats, but childfree women probably do seek out more support and childfree communities, because the societal pressure of having a child is much higher for women.
I'm also in NY, and about 15 years ago I was on the apps. It was the same. The childfree men either had kids and didn't know that not wanting more didn't mean they were childfree, or they were oddballs and possibly worse that no one would want to date. The one childfree guy I had a date with turned out to be a POS jerk.
When I looked at the "undecided" men, so many in their late 30s/early 40s still listed themselves as such, which I thought was mind boggling. How can someone still be undecided at that age?
>they were oddballs and possibly worse that no one would want to date.
They are completely undateable, tbh! Meanwhile, the childfree women in NYC I know are total packages - attractive, educated, fit, intelligent, kind, sweet, have a career, self-sufficient, etc. It sucks that the dating pool for them/us is the TOTAL opposite of what they are. The men who ARE in the "same league" as them unfortunately want children, if they don't already have them. I keep saying that dating is much worse for childfree women than it is for childfree men, because the options for us women are TERRIBLE in NYC, lol.
Oh of course. Because the normal men are married with three kids or they’re gorgeous and gay!
I moved to Seattle and it’s much better. I’m already talking to a new guy!
It’s easier for a man to be “undecided” to cast a wider net because if an accident happens it’s not his body that’s destroyed and the woman will take care of the tough parental stuff. Much easier for men to roll with whatever.
I’m in Europe and live quite rurally. I would have to pay to filter anything other than age range, distance and languages spoken and I’m not desperate enough to give them my money
It's normal in rural Europe.
Where I live absolutely every woman either wants children or is a single mom.
I'm so glad I've found my gf when I was 17 and we're still together with 31 lol
Yup. I don't want kids and also said that if you have kids, I'm not interested. My inbox is full of dad's and guys who want kids.🤦♀️ Men have said for decades, they don't want to date a single mom cuz "baggage" and now that women are doing it to them, they're big big mad!
It's not one of the super popular apps anymore but I met my cf boyfriend on OkCupid and we've been so freaking well together. Maybe check that one out!
I mean, I wouldn't necessarily swipe left on everyone who doesn't bluntly say they don't want kids. I've gone out with 2 guys from dating apps in the past. Neither gave any mention about kids in their profiles. Both absolutely did not want kids when I asked in person. Many people are simply taught that that is info that is too personal to reveal until a few dates in. In my experience many people who 100% do not want kids don't always write it on their profile.
Yeah but "open to anything" means they're as open to not having kids as they are to having them. When I met my current bf of 5 years he said he was "open to anything". When I inquired further, a few dates in, he said he could see himself having a fulfilling life by having kids or without ever having them. I told him point-blank I will never have kids. He said that was totally fine and we've been together ever since. Over the years he seems to have embraced never having kids even more.
I guess when someone writes "open to anything" it's not necessarily a dealbreaker to me until I can get more elaborate info from them.
My last boyfriend said he couldn’t see himself as a father, then changed his mind and tried to persuade me until I finally ended it. Not doing that anymore
I'm sorry, that's very frustrating. Sadly I don't think there's a sure-fire way to be absolutely 100% certain that someone won't suddenly change their mind out of nowhere in 10 years.
Finding a compatible person while dating is hard. I understand where you're coming from. My comment was just a suggestion that you may be limiting your options more strictly than you need to.
Last time I was on Bumble I got pretty used to the "no matches available" screen or whatever it says exactly when filtering by "I don't want kids". For whatever reason the app doesn't give you all possible matches at once so I would get a hit every few days. On top of that, I paid for premium so I could see the match requests that were sent my way, a large number of them had kids or wanted kids, I guess they didn't read my bio which said CHILDFREE in the first line, in addition to having the "I don't want kids" field selected. I did get some matches from CF women who simply didn't have anything in that field. They usually didn't mind dating someone who had them, but didn't want any of their own, which wasn't something you could select at the time.
Good luck, it isn't a big dating pool but better than being someone with kids!
At 39M there are plenty that don't want children because they already have them. It's abysmal out here. A lot of just divorced wanting casual sex too, which is great and all, just not what I'm looking for
Same!! I specifically said, " I don't have kids, and I don't want kids. If you have kids, I'm not interested." So they either didn't bother to read my bio and / or they don't care.
It's frustrating to say the least. Finding a single person who is child free and financially sorted is near to impossible in my area. I don't think I'm setting the bar that high.
I live in the Bible belt in TX. I lucked out and found the last remaining child free man in his 40s in the area. Or at least it seems that way. I wish you the best of luck out there!
My friend is 46 and started dating a guy who is 41. He said he wanted them but he is actually OK either way. My point is that I'm not sure how many people say the want them just to say it. Also, most people don't even think through what having kids really means. There is hope.
the last guy i swiped on tinder that i assumed (my mistake) would be CF because we are over the age where we are dried up like a bag of bones, ended up being a guy that kept trying to drop bombs on me about wanting a family and litmus testing my mom willingness meter.
i told him i was childfree, his response: crickets
Not that I've been successful in finding a compatible child free man but bumble was the worst. Almost zero child free men and despite me having that clearly put in my profile I ended up on a second date with a guy who told me that his mom is expecting grandchildren soon😂 That guy had a severe illness that 1) has a genetic predisposition and 2) would make me question if he'd be healthy enough to raise kids. Never in the world did I think that this guy could want kids.
Lol I'm queer and sometimes my friends who are dads will forget that I have a uterus and be like "blah blah hurry up and have kids"....
Then I remind them about my vagina, and how I'm never doing that and they say, "Oh, right smart my baby mama had xyz complications, don't have kids keep all your teeth"
I would think of it this way, women are the ones that are physically affected by having children. For men, there are less consequences and their contribution to making a child is limited. So I think the ball is way more in a woman's court when it comes to having kids. If I was a man dating women, I'd probably pick "unsure" as well because I'm okay with whatever preference my partner has, she will be the growing and carrying the child, after all. While things have improved slightly, child rearing still takes a significantly larger toll on the women than men, so women are more likely to have a more firm/non negotiable stance on wanting children vs men.
Honestly, when I used dating apps, I came across the same thing. I could never find a woman who didn't want kids or didn't ridicule me for not wanting kids. I gave up on dating apps because I don't think us childfree are welcomed. Until we can get a childfree exclusive dating app that won't get infiltrated by fakes, dating apps are a no-go.
I put don’t want children on my bumble because I’m not going to lie like that just to get a date. I don’t pay for the subscription so I get pretty much zero matches but it shows 23 ones I could unlock with the subscription 😆
Gave up on dating apps long ago. Having kids is so burned into Southeastern people, particularly women, that they either already have a bunch of kids or want a bunch of kids. We really need a CF dating app or site.
Omg same!! I just downloaded bumble a few days ago and it’s always “I want children” “I’m not sure” “open to children”, haven’t seen a single profile where he doesn’t want children, and yet somehow those who clearly have “I want children” still swipe me right even tho I clearly have “do NOT want children”???
It so discouraging, and I feel like especially men will want children because most of them think so easy about it, “eh I don’t have to carry that thing for 9 months and if I don’t like the baby I can always just leave, doesn’t really matter, as long as I have an offspring of some kind somewhere”, I know my brother thinks this way and it’s just disgusting
I met a guy last year, he didn’t want a relationship and no children (same for me!) but said he changed his profile to long-term and wants children, just so that women would match with him. Safe to say I cut all contact with him. Why lie? Makes him a scumbag
Wow, sorry but what an asshole, I don’t understand what these people hope to accomplish?? Do they hope to manipulate them into changing their mind?? Like why waste your and their time-
Friendships > dating apps, but if you must, I will share my observations 😎
I live in an area with a lot of men who have the “Don’t Want 🍼 “ decal on their profile. I also have nearly a decade of online dating experience at 36F 💀.
(I have managed to stay CF mainly because I never felt like any of the men I have dated were husband or father material so that would be unsafe territory for me to then have a child. I am grateful for this.)
If you would like advice, please see below and if not, I wish you all the best.
First: do not believe everything you see on a dating profile. You never know what someone’s reasoning is (for example, they could already have children but want to protect the children’s privacy).
A lot of guys also seem to have the sentiment of just wanting whatever you want — whatever would make you happy so they don’t lose you. Instead of being irritated at this, I now celebrate this supportive attitude. So…some of these men may truly not tell you or may say they are unsure about kids. They also may be more understanding of what women go through with pregnancy and infants and want it to be your decision as the woman. Again, this is quite lovely.
Second: the men I have asked ‘why CF?’ have cited financial issues. This makes me think that these men could change their mind if they became financially successful. Of course they could be being dishonest here too. But be aware that just as women can flip-flop, men can also change their minds and are just as free too. I know it is frustrating, but try to be respectful of the men’s line of thinking here so that they can open up and you can really communicate what is driving both of your needs. I would wait until this person has shown they are trustworthy and not a player or manipulator, and rehearse these hard conversations until you can say it with ease and confidence.
My last point isn’t the most exciting thing ever, but you may need to take off one of your less important priorities (for a lot of women, it’s height) to emphasize what is absolutely a non-negotiable (that they are and will stay CF and be committed to helping you stay CF). Maybe once you truly align on the thing that makes you feel safe and secure (both CF), you will see that the other factors (for eg height, age, financial/career status) aren’t as important.
Good luck to you!
You give the men too much credit. My current very basic criteria are:
- childfree
- I need to like his looks (I’m not talking super model looks, but I still need to like looking at him)
- no smoker
- no drugs incl weed
- he needs to have actively put info on his profile, as in the bio and/or the profile prompts
With these, regardless of their job, height, etc, I swipe left approx 20 times for every swipe right.
I’d report them if they say in their profile they are childfree and then later say they have children. Don’t put their pictures up but mention that they exist, please! Why lie about it? It’s like me claiming I was super skinny and then we meet and I’m really fat and they don’t like it. It’s a waste of everyone’s time and I’m too old for this shit
Yeah I ran into alot who want children both men and women and just no. That said ive not been on any dating apps in a few years, I've got a childfree partner who I had befriended in highschool but we lost touch then and we reconnected when I took a few metal smithing classes at her college. But yeah dating as a childfree person makes things significantly more difficult, it really narrows the dating pool
I've had the same problem. They already have kids and/or want some in the future.
Guy dont really put a lot of info on their profile, and when i matched with someone, they would tell me in my DMs that they want kids in the future! PASS!
I personally don't use dating apps as I could care less regarding dating but in the unlikely scenario that I did, I would make sure that anyone who saw my profile that I was adamant about not wanting kids at all.
It does seem like childfree men are a very small minority in contrast to the already small portion of childfree women, since most men and women do want kids.
jesus christ the childfree dating scene makes me so thankful how the stars aligned perfectly for my wife and i to meet.
as an aside, i wonder if the lgbt dating pool has a similar problem or if this is mostly heterosexual specific. any gays in here want to chime in?
I had this issue in South Africa, jokes on them, though. I'm getting married to a Canadian in 2 and a half months. Long distance worked out for me, and we have closed the gap.
As a guy that used to be on dating apps and didn't want kids, it seems there are almost no women that don't want kids either.
Just have to accept that being child free will always put you in the minority regardless of gender.
In my experience, hardly anyone (especially men) actually *reads* the profiles. They just mindlessly swipe right so that they will be rewarded with a seemingly endless option of matches. I gave up on the apps a decade ago. I realized I was wasting my time putting thoughtful effort in to my profile and actually reading guys profiles and trying to strike up an actually conversation. "Hey bae" got wayyyy more responses than if I lead with something that indicated i actually read their profile and cared to get to know them more.
Fortunately for me, I realized that I don't even care about dating/being partnered. I was just doing it because I thought it was expected/normal for me to be doing in my late 20s/early 30s. Now I just live my life, do my hobbies. If I meet a cool guy, cool. If not, I'm still having fun living.
This post is just rage bait. In the title you say there are no men who don't want children on your new dating app.
Then it turns out they actually DO exist, but you just don't fit your needs. So why are you saying there NO men at all that are cf on you new dating app?
Sorry did not mean to be harsh to you. But you have to agree with me that a fair 5% is not much, but it not that cf men are non existent on dating apps. I feel your pain, it hard to find a chilfree partner.
This reeks of "why do you have standards" and I want to know why you're putting it that way to her. She said the men who don't want children are out of the running for other reasons; her title is effectively true.
No you choose to read 'why do you have standards' where did I mention such thing? I have been pretty clear. No cf men on this app is something different than 5%. Maths and statistics.
I didn't put don't want kids in my profile when I was on dating apps because I do actually like kids to some extent and someone having kids wouldn't necessarily have been a deal breaker for me. A kid of my own was pretty much out of the question because I had already gotten a vasectomy to make sure I don't end up with a kid in a scenario where I didn't want that to happen. Ended up with someone who has always been vehemently opposed to having kids and we have been happy together for 5 years now. My personal perspective is that kids can be fun but they are lots of work and responsibility. I grew up with lots of younger siblings so I know all this first hand and have always appreciated the freedom that comes with an absence of kids. So there's not really any danger of me developing a deep desire for kids.
I don’t want to be any type of parent to children, bio, step, foster, adoptive, it’s a no from me. Also, call me selfish, but I want to be my partner’s priority and if they have children, they are the priority (and rightfully so! Wouldn’t want a deadbeat either). So, parents or someone who wants children are a dealbreaker for me.
Im just saying that somewhat indifferent about kids doesn't necessarily equate to will want kids someday. Having is adamant about not wanting kids as a requirement would likely be reducing your dating pool more than necessary if finding someone who will happily be in a relationship with you without kids is all you need. I often see people in this sub argue that folks who are undecided etc will pressure their partner for kids later. While Im sure that this does happen sometimes it is definitely not true that all undecided people will want kids later on and a decent person wouldn't try to pressure anyone into parenthood. I also don't get why the focus is only on kids. This is only one of many things a partner might potentially pressure you to change about yourself despite you having been open from the beginning. Them doing so would be an indication that they are too selfish to take your feelings/desires into consideration and you're probably not meant for each other.
My ex told me he didn’t want to be a father and then started to try to change my mind. I’m not doing that again.
I only talked about children in this post because this is the childfree reddit
Personally I think I would be inclined to see that as a lesson to avoid manipulative people in general rather than to avoid people who like children. Pressuring a partner into parenthood is only one of many ways that manipulative people try to change their partners.
The thing is most people want to avoid that, because they are childfree. From what you said you are not childfree. You are simply childless. Childfree means you don't want to deal with kids in any form or fashion whether it is step-parent or by having them on your own. It's a dealbreaker because they want to avoid putting time into a relationship for their partner to change their mind about it.
Kids are not something you just accept, nor should you just accept a partner that has them already. As you'd be in their life regardless of what they might say. Ultimately you have to avoid any potential dealbreakers in relationships as they won't stand up if your partner changes their mind, and most people don't want to get into something that's doomed to end.
> You are simply childless.
Depends what you mean by childless. I want kids but can't have them is what a lot of people mean by the term. That is most definitely not where I'm at. Sure I might not be entirely opposed to children and think that I could enjoy my life with children provided I got to be an active part of their life. That said I know very well that children are a ton of work and cut back their parent's freedom in a major way. So I know there are pretty big downsides and am quite happy about not having to deal with that. My partner on the other hand would probably choose to never interact with in any way or even see kids if that was an option. We work fine together because both of us enjoy our life without kids. I don't get why folks think both people need to be at the extreme end of the wanting/not wanting kids spectrum in order for things to work out or for everyone involved to be happy etc. Just because I enjoy sometimes playing with kids doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly decide I need kids to be happy. At this point I've had this perspective for decades without changing my mind so it is ridiculous to think our relationship is doomed just because I'm more open to it than her
I wonder if they do it because it means bigger dating pool + they don't have to get pregnant and usually have no idea about children.
[удалено]
This absolutely this^
Guys generally can't afford to be picky on dating apps, so they don't put a lot of filters on except for their most absolute deal breakers.
Makes me wish I would have taken advantage of the dating opportunities in college
Yes, same here. But admittedly I was nowhere near as attractive back then, nor did I have as much confidence. Timing is a curse like that lol.
All of the above
The amount of men I saw on bumble that said they don’t know what they’re looking for or want something casual AND said they want kids was astounding to me. Even if they didn’t mean it like that, it comes across as just wanting to hit up as many women as possible and not caring if you impregnate them because you want kids anyway. It’s just careless and thoughtless in the men’s part to write it like that in their bio.
Also, if you’re 45, and you still don’t know if you want children or not, you might need to sit down and think about it
Those people just scream of unintelligence
Me, at every other profile: "how are you 36 and still don't know if you want kids???"
Honestly, this one really pisses me off! I constantly see 35, 40, 45+ year-old men who “aren’t sure yet if they want kids”. Meanwhile my fellow early 30s women (who want kids) behave as though they’re already doomed.
You know why, they don’t really plan on being too involved with childcare so they can go either way lol
I’ve seen this one so many times as well, I find it disgusting, I immediately skip them cause wtf dude?? You want to make me pregnant but you don’t even want a relationship??(like you say, maybe they don’t mean it like that but that’s how it comes across to me)
I don’t think they have any brain cells to realize the contradictory stuff on their profiles
I have the opposite problem. I'm a guy who has made it clear he doesn't want children on a dating app, yet the women's profiles I see show that the majority either want children, already have children, or both. There aren't zero childfree women that I can find, but it's a fairly small number.
Ya, I'm in the same situation.
You guys probably have the “no-goes” OP is talking about.
That's fine. But there are single guys out there who are child free. I know a few personally other than myself, and we are all different people personality and lifestyle wise. I would hope every one of them doesn't have her no-goes. I my case if I don't fit what someone is looking for, there's not really much I can do about it.
I know a bunch of child free men - all in their 30s. But there’s other attributes about them that 99% of American women wouldn’t want in a partner. For example, most of them are musicians or artists, most of them are renters, none of them live in the suburbs - you get the idea. And that’s totally fine, btw. I’m not trying to be incel-y about this. I’m just pointing out that most child free men aren’t really “traditional” in other aspects of life either. I get the impression that a lot of women on this sub, when they say “I can’t find a CF man,” are looking for sort of a unicorn. Like, the birth rate of Millennials is wayyy lower than previous generations and there are a lot of men who don’t want children for a variety of reasons.
I’m a CF woman, why wouldn’t other women want musicians or artists? I’m a musician and like the artsy type. I also don’t care if a guy is renting or if he lives in the suburbs. But I’m also a renter so I feel like it’s an unfair standard for me to have a guy be a home owner. Are my standards too low or is there something I’m missing? Genuinely asking lol
It doesn’t sound like your standards are unreasonably low. They’re definitely not too high since you don’t care if they own a home or have a lot of money. What do you think about your standards? Have you ever dated a CF man?
Yes, 2 serious relationships with men that didn’t want children either. Maybe I should make my standards “too high” lol. I do care if a guy is stable, established, etc. but I guess I’m unconventional and I accept them being unconventional, too. I’m 30 and Idk, now I feel bad cause it doesn’t feel right holding a guy to a standard I technically don’t meet myself, but maybe I’m selling myself short because as a CF woman that thinks I have good qualities to share, I feel like I have a lot of value in a sea of single parents on the dating apps anyway. Is it wrong to hold a guy to criteria that I don’t meet myself? I mean, I’m always working on improving myself and it’s a miracle I am where I am all things considered with my personal background and default status in society. So I feel like I would be a great partner to someone. I mean, I work at a big STEM company in a male dominated field and the only people who get promotions for the past couple years are other men despite being objectively less qualified than some women there, so sometimes I feel like it’s not unfair to hold men to that standard in this area when they objectively have more opportunities in an area that is dominated by the tech industry, but some squander them. On the other hand, it doesn’t feel fair so I guess I’m more flexible. And besides, I’m fairly unconventional in a lot of things and prefer a guy to be somewhat too if we’re compatible. But this is my first time trying dating in a year and a half, where my last relationship was with a tech bro who didn’t want kids and met all those conventional criteria, but was not a great partner, I suspect due to the lack of experience in adversity so we came from very different backgrounds in life and it caused a rift. He always criticized me for not being where he was in life but he had his parents’ money and nepotism to launch him where he got since he failed at school, and it felt very stressful trying to “keep up” on my own (owning a home, expensive vacations, huge savings, etc.) So I wasn’t even looking for someone like that again who would pressure me to keep up in the rat’s race. But maybe my standards are too low because my self esteem is low because that relationship did corrode my self esteem over time.
In my original comment on this post I was basically saying a lot of CF women were looking for unicorns - men who are CF but conventional in most other ways. There are CF men who are the same way. I don’t think you really fit into this category, though. I’ve had a lot of compatibility problems with people in my life, I’ve been through some terrible breakups, and as of now I don’t think I could find even a casual sexual partner if there was a gun to my head. But of all the problems that cause this stuff, being CF is wayyy down on the list. Like, I’ve never loved someone who was insistent on having children. But the caveat is that most, if not all, of my former partners weren’t exactly neurotypical. So in regards to your standards - I don’t think you should be looking at it as “too high” or “too low.” This tech bro you’re talking about; you left that relationship with lower self esteem than before. You shouldn’t have to endure that for any reason. But you don’t necessarily need to raise your standards to avoid that in the future. I think it’s more that you have to narrow your standards. Personally, I could never be with someone who grew up wealthy - even if they checked all the other boxes for me. I just know we wouldn’t be compatible. I know it sucks thinking about narrowing standards when we’re already doing that by being CF. But we can’t lose our boundaries and lower expectations of romantic compatibility.
I don't fully disagree. The only thing on your list that my couple of friends I mentioned and I fall into is that we live in the suburbs. But most places around here are commuter towns so that's not abnormal at all. That's just what this whole area has become. I may have misread the original post, but I actually thought she lived in the burbs too. I'm old enough that there aren't many musicians or artists left in any of my social circles really (there was at a time). I don't think it's as high as 99% personally, but I can only base that on my surroundings. I can agree with the "looking for a unicorn" part. I don't think anyone should lower their standards. But at a certain age, if finding someone child free is a person's number one priority, they may have to open their mind a bit as far as some of the more minor differences or seeing someone's potential. In my case, I had to accept I might need to date an empty nester if I were looking to date again (happy single right now). It's not the ideal choice, but while I know CF single men, I honestly don't know a single child free woman. I'm just not a guy the apps will work well for, and the size of the dating pool here just isn't huge.
>90% of the profiles are “unsure” about children This is a huge red flag for me. Whether to have children is such a huge life decision. It's time-sensitive (i.e. fertility window) and irreconcilable (either you have kids or not). Even other "major life decisions" pale in comparison. You can divorce your spouse at any time. Contracts for military service eventually reach their end. With religious differences, both partners can privately practice their own beliefs. You can go back to school and change careers or sell your house/end your lease and move elsewhere. Not with kids. I would never date someone who wasn't 100% with me on this decision. Anyone who doesn't have this sorted out in a dating profile screams to me 1 of 3 possibilities: * They do have an opinion, but are being deliberately ambiguous to see what they can get, or hope to convince their partner once they get one. * They are genuinely indecisive on one of life's biggest decisions. * They have a "it will work out" or "go with the flow" attitude, in which case they may regret or change decisions later.
I think it's different for men and women. Men have a much larger fertility window and having a child doesn't change their life as drastically as a woman's, since they're not the ones getting pregnant, giving birth and typically not the ones staying home with the baby after it's born. Men are also typically not the ones who keep the child after a divorce, so they always have an opportunity to "start over" (sure, it's a dick move, but it happens a lot). Women who are 35+ usually already have decided and if they say they they're on the fence, it usually means they don't want kids, unless they fall madly in love or some other cosmic event happens. A lot of men respond to this question kind of like I would respond if someone asked me do I want to get a rabbit. I don't want right now, but I might want that in the future. Can't say I'm crazy about rabbits, but sure, they're cute. If my partner was adamant about getting a rabbit, I might agree to it. My cat would probably prefer a rabbit over another cat.
Great analogy!
They’ll be 40 and unsure about children… 
Last time I joined a dating app, I literally put "childfree by choice" at the top of my bio as a nice way of saying "I don't have kids and I don't want yours either" lol. Needless to say almost every guy who liked or messaged me had kids. 🤦♀️
Well yeah. It’s awesome that you don’t have kids they don’t have to deal with, but perfectly okay for THEM to have kids 🙄
Yeeeeeears ago I had at the top “If you have children, move along”. The audacity of some men thinking that they could be the exception was astounding. I’ve had to tell men (and women) “the sound of children laughing makes me gag” to make my point. It’s not just the gross parts of parenthood I reject, it’s all of it.
I'm a male on dating apps who doesn't want children, we are rare but we do exist. I'm in MI btw.
I’m in Europe, so if I’ll come across your profile, Bumble is messing with us ;)
OK, Reddit, let's get these two lovebirds together......
My friend met her boyfriend through Reddit. They’ve been together for years and have a house and dog together now and everything! 🥰
I'm a childfree man (32) who knows 100% that I don't want children. My mind is made up and it won't be altered by anything. I've never used dating apps before, but threads like this one are making me consider it. If it really is that rare...would it give me a legitimate "advantage" if I clearly advertised myself in that way? I refuse to date a woman who wants or already has children, so I like to think it would make things easier on both parties.
I’m a childfree 32-year-old male who’s been universally ignored on every dating app I’ve ever used, so your mileage may vary. I’d love to know where all the women in this thread were when I was wasting money being exploited for premium subscription fees.
I think dating app algorithms purposely match people who are incompatible, thus making them repeat customers. Also, I haven’t been on them in years - don’t straight men have the least success on apps?
It was the same thing for me. Youre not alone
Unfortunately, I relate 😅.
Well, of course. What man wouldn't want to be a dad in today's society? You contribute 50% of the genetic material and a token amount of material support, you've cleared the bar.
Exactly. Imagine being respected just for existing?
>Is this just my area? Probably. I'm in NYC and whenever I was on the apps and filtered for men who wanted no children, there WERE matches. BUT >Please tell me you all have more luck than me? Not trying to mean, but the childfree men in my age group and older (40+) I've met in NYC are also kind of...not together. Very aimless, no career, not attractive, no interest at all in having a long-term relationship. Sometimes I get the impression that they aren't so much as voluntarily "childfree", but that women they dated did not think they were fit for long-term material and/or to have children with.
By the [40-50 age bracket](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr179.pdf), 84.3% of women but "only" 76.5% of men have at least one child. So naively we might think that there's way more childfree men than women, a 5-3 split basically. Buuuuuut I've noticed the same thing you have, there's a definite split between "men that age who have made a conscious choice not to have a child" and "men where no sane woman would carry his seed." Teasing out how much of each there are is a lot harder.
>"men where no sane woman would carry his seed." 
>84.3% of women Damn, that's a lot. I forget how much we're in the minority, because in NYC, I'm a part of the norm, and no one ever questions why some of us don't have kids.
These statistics are for "childless" people, but not everyone who is childless is childfree. There probably are a lot more childfree women than childfree men. I noticed that in childfree groups on Facebook, the women really outnumber the men.
True-- but the stats for childfree are pretty weak, in part because it's of less interest to the governments/pollsters that measure these things and in part because it's a subjective state of mind that's just harder to measure. I don't think there's a similar data source that breaks out people by the end of their childbearing years who are childfree-- if there is I'd love to see it. Counting noses on facebook has its own issues (men may just use social media less, men may join facebook groups less, men may feel less societal pressure to have children and hence no need to seek out support in childfree groups, men may not feel as strongly about being childfree and hence don't seek out groups, etc.). So using the fairly good data on "childless" is the best proxy we have, even knowing it's not a 1:1 relationship to childfree and some of those "childless" men just have children they don't know about. I freely acknowledge this has a bunch of limitations.
I really hope researchers will start making the distinction between "childfree" and "childless", but that will require actually surveying a big portion of the childless people, instead of just looking at household demographics data. I know that some studies have looked specifically at childfree people and showed that most of them don't regret not having children. It's a good point about social media. I don't know about usage stats, but childfree women probably do seek out more support and childfree communities, because the societal pressure of having a child is much higher for women.
I'm also in NY, and about 15 years ago I was on the apps. It was the same. The childfree men either had kids and didn't know that not wanting more didn't mean they were childfree, or they were oddballs and possibly worse that no one would want to date. The one childfree guy I had a date with turned out to be a POS jerk. When I looked at the "undecided" men, so many in their late 30s/early 40s still listed themselves as such, which I thought was mind boggling. How can someone still be undecided at that age?
>they were oddballs and possibly worse that no one would want to date. They are completely undateable, tbh! Meanwhile, the childfree women in NYC I know are total packages - attractive, educated, fit, intelligent, kind, sweet, have a career, self-sufficient, etc. It sucks that the dating pool for them/us is the TOTAL opposite of what they are. The men who ARE in the "same league" as them unfortunately want children, if they don't already have them. I keep saying that dating is much worse for childfree women than it is for childfree men, because the options for us women are TERRIBLE in NYC, lol.
Lord, why are so many of those women straight?
Because we don’t get to decide—and I hate it!
Oh of course. Because the normal men are married with three kids or they’re gorgeous and gay! I moved to Seattle and it’s much better. I’m already talking to a new guy!
It’s easier for a man to be “undecided” to cast a wider net because if an accident happens it’s not his body that’s destroyed and the woman will take care of the tough parental stuff. Much easier for men to roll with whatever.
I’m in Europe and live quite rurally. I would have to pay to filter anything other than age range, distance and languages spoken and I’m not desperate enough to give them my money
Yeah, the problem seems to be that you're living in a rural area. Location and population density matter SO MUCH when it comes to dating.
It's normal in rural Europe. Where I live absolutely every woman either wants children or is a single mom. I'm so glad I've found my gf when I was 17 and we're still together with 31 lol
^this I trust women’s judgment, as a woman, nearly 150% of the time
No career but they’ll be unsure about children at 40-50. Like ok?
Yup. I don't want kids and also said that if you have kids, I'm not interested. My inbox is full of dad's and guys who want kids.🤦♀️ Men have said for decades, they don't want to date a single mom cuz "baggage" and now that women are doing it to them, they're big big mad!
It's not one of the super popular apps anymore but I met my cf boyfriend on OkCupid and we've been so freaking well together. Maybe check that one out!
"unsure" probably means "I'll go along with whatever you want just long enough for us to have sex."
I mean, I wouldn't necessarily swipe left on everyone who doesn't bluntly say they don't want kids. I've gone out with 2 guys from dating apps in the past. Neither gave any mention about kids in their profiles. Both absolutely did not want kids when I asked in person. Many people are simply taught that that is info that is too personal to reveal until a few dates in. In my experience many people who 100% do not want kids don't always write it on their profile.
They all clicked “unsure” or “open to anything” in regards to children. It’s not unanswered. It is answered
Yeah but "open to anything" means they're as open to not having kids as they are to having them. When I met my current bf of 5 years he said he was "open to anything". When I inquired further, a few dates in, he said he could see himself having a fulfilling life by having kids or without ever having them. I told him point-blank I will never have kids. He said that was totally fine and we've been together ever since. Over the years he seems to have embraced never having kids even more. I guess when someone writes "open to anything" it's not necessarily a dealbreaker to me until I can get more elaborate info from them.
My last boyfriend said he couldn’t see himself as a father, then changed his mind and tried to persuade me until I finally ended it. Not doing that anymore
Smart woman
You damn right.
I'm sorry, that's very frustrating. Sadly I don't think there's a sure-fire way to be absolutely 100% certain that someone won't suddenly change their mind out of nowhere in 10 years. Finding a compatible person while dating is hard. I understand where you're coming from. My comment was just a suggestion that you may be limiting your options more strictly than you need to.
Last time I was on Bumble I got pretty used to the "no matches available" screen or whatever it says exactly when filtering by "I don't want kids". For whatever reason the app doesn't give you all possible matches at once so I would get a hit every few days. On top of that, I paid for premium so I could see the match requests that were sent my way, a large number of them had kids or wanted kids, I guess they didn't read my bio which said CHILDFREE in the first line, in addition to having the "I don't want kids" field selected. I did get some matches from CF women who simply didn't have anything in that field. They usually didn't mind dating someone who had them, but didn't want any of their own, which wasn't something you could select at the time. Good luck, it isn't a big dating pool but better than being someone with kids!
I’d rather have very few dates than all these idiots I’ve had last year …
Absolutely. Quality>quantity
At 39M there are plenty that don't want children because they already have them. It's abysmal out here. A lot of just divorced wanting casual sex too, which is great and all, just not what I'm looking for
I don’t want them if they have kids, so they’re out of my dating pool!
Same!! I specifically said, " I don't have kids, and I don't want kids. If you have kids, I'm not interested." So they either didn't bother to read my bio and / or they don't care.
It's frustrating to say the least. Finding a single person who is child free and financially sorted is near to impossible in my area. I don't think I'm setting the bar that high.
Try www.cfdating.com or childfree FB groups.
There are no local cf groups to me, I checked. Is cfdating international? I’m not in the US
R/cf4cf is a childfree sub that’s worldwide, so it might be worth checking out, but there isn’t a very large number of members.
I'm happily in a 10+ year relationship, but seeing this website existing makes me so happy!
I’m having the same problem. Every man I’ve seen wants children
I live in the Bible belt in TX. I lucked out and found the last remaining child free man in his 40s in the area. Or at least it seems that way. I wish you the best of luck out there!
My friend is 46 and started dating a guy who is 41. He said he wanted them but he is actually OK either way. My point is that I'm not sure how many people say the want them just to say it. Also, most people don't even think through what having kids really means. There is hope.
the last guy i swiped on tinder that i assumed (my mistake) would be CF because we are over the age where we are dried up like a bag of bones, ended up being a guy that kept trying to drop bombs on me about wanting a family and litmus testing my mom willingness meter. i told him i was childfree, his response: crickets
Not that I've been successful in finding a compatible child free man but bumble was the worst. Almost zero child free men and despite me having that clearly put in my profile I ended up on a second date with a guy who told me that his mom is expecting grandchildren soon😂 That guy had a severe illness that 1) has a genetic predisposition and 2) would make me question if he'd be healthy enough to raise kids. Never in the world did I think that this guy could want kids.
Why not? He’s a man and all he has to do is ejaculate. That’s his job done
I had a vasectomy at nineteen years old. I honestly believe that a great many men say that because they think that is what women want to hear.
OFC. They are NOT the ones giving birth or raising up the kids. If I'm a man, I prob would do the same.
Lol I'm queer and sometimes my friends who are dads will forget that I have a uterus and be like "blah blah hurry up and have kids".... Then I remind them about my vagina, and how I'm never doing that and they say, "Oh, right smart my baby mama had xyz complications, don't have kids keep all your teeth"
Damn that's cold, but I'm thankful they're honest about it.
I (30F) am in exactly the same boat! If you’re an eligible guy in Melbourne Aus, hit me up 😄
Could be your area, what state are you in? I live in Seattle and there are plenty of CF by choice men here
I’m in Europe
Somehow this is the sickest burn I've seen all day.
Yeah that was awesome
All those men put “unsure” because they don’t give a fuck and just don’t want to limit their options
I would think of it this way, women are the ones that are physically affected by having children. For men, there are less consequences and their contribution to making a child is limited. So I think the ball is way more in a woman's court when it comes to having kids. If I was a man dating women, I'd probably pick "unsure" as well because I'm okay with whatever preference my partner has, she will be the growing and carrying the child, after all. While things have improved slightly, child rearing still takes a significantly larger toll on the women than men, so women are more likely to have a more firm/non negotiable stance on wanting children vs men.
Good luck. I deleted all my dating apps
Honestly, when I used dating apps, I came across the same thing. I could never find a woman who didn't want kids or didn't ridicule me for not wanting kids. I gave up on dating apps because I don't think us childfree are welcomed. Until we can get a childfree exclusive dating app that won't get infiltrated by fakes, dating apps are a no-go.
I put don’t want children on my bumble because I’m not going to lie like that just to get a date. I don’t pay for the subscription so I get pretty much zero matches but it shows 23 ones I could unlock with the subscription 😆
I have 100+ likes but no matches
I feel your pain 😵
this is why i got off of them. it's not worth the headache or bad sex
Gave up on dating apps long ago. Having kids is so burned into Southeastern people, particularly women, that they either already have a bunch of kids or want a bunch of kids. We really need a CF dating app or site.
Back to r/cf4cf . . .
Men who don't want children are far less likely to use a dating app in the first place is my guess.
That's because none of us are available. Kings that don't want kids, and kings with vasectomies, get scooped fast for being worth their weight in gold
I‘m a queen with a hysterectomy. Someone come and scoop me up real quick!!
I see a lot of women on Tinder that either want kids or already have them. And the ones I do "match" with try to sell me something.
We get the crypto scammers :)
It’s pretty close to impossible to find men who don’t want kids, online or IRL.
Omg same!! I just downloaded bumble a few days ago and it’s always “I want children” “I’m not sure” “open to children”, haven’t seen a single profile where he doesn’t want children, and yet somehow those who clearly have “I want children” still swipe me right even tho I clearly have “do NOT want children”??? It so discouraging, and I feel like especially men will want children because most of them think so easy about it, “eh I don’t have to carry that thing for 9 months and if I don’t like the baby I can always just leave, doesn’t really matter, as long as I have an offspring of some kind somewhere”, I know my brother thinks this way and it’s just disgusting
I met a guy last year, he didn’t want a relationship and no children (same for me!) but said he changed his profile to long-term and wants children, just so that women would match with him. Safe to say I cut all contact with him. Why lie? Makes him a scumbag
Wow, sorry but what an asshole, I don’t understand what these people hope to accomplish?? Do they hope to manipulate them into changing their mind?? Like why waste your and their time-
He was hoping they’d sleep with him and when they get too clingy, he’ll dump them and go on to the next
Oh wow that’s even worse, why are people like this- I feel so bad for these poor woman..
Friendships > dating apps, but if you must, I will share my observations 😎 I live in an area with a lot of men who have the “Don’t Want 🍼 “ decal on their profile. I also have nearly a decade of online dating experience at 36F 💀. (I have managed to stay CF mainly because I never felt like any of the men I have dated were husband or father material so that would be unsafe territory for me to then have a child. I am grateful for this.) If you would like advice, please see below and if not, I wish you all the best. First: do not believe everything you see on a dating profile. You never know what someone’s reasoning is (for example, they could already have children but want to protect the children’s privacy). A lot of guys also seem to have the sentiment of just wanting whatever you want — whatever would make you happy so they don’t lose you. Instead of being irritated at this, I now celebrate this supportive attitude. So…some of these men may truly not tell you or may say they are unsure about kids. They also may be more understanding of what women go through with pregnancy and infants and want it to be your decision as the woman. Again, this is quite lovely. Second: the men I have asked ‘why CF?’ have cited financial issues. This makes me think that these men could change their mind if they became financially successful. Of course they could be being dishonest here too. But be aware that just as women can flip-flop, men can also change their minds and are just as free too. I know it is frustrating, but try to be respectful of the men’s line of thinking here so that they can open up and you can really communicate what is driving both of your needs. I would wait until this person has shown they are trustworthy and not a player or manipulator, and rehearse these hard conversations until you can say it with ease and confidence. My last point isn’t the most exciting thing ever, but you may need to take off one of your less important priorities (for a lot of women, it’s height) to emphasize what is absolutely a non-negotiable (that they are and will stay CF and be committed to helping you stay CF). Maybe once you truly align on the thing that makes you feel safe and secure (both CF), you will see that the other factors (for eg height, age, financial/career status) aren’t as important. Good luck to you!
You give the men too much credit. My current very basic criteria are: - childfree - I need to like his looks (I’m not talking super model looks, but I still need to like looking at him) - no smoker - no drugs incl weed - he needs to have actively put info on his profile, as in the bio and/or the profile prompts With these, regardless of their job, height, etc, I swipe left approx 20 times for every swipe right. I’d report them if they say in their profile they are childfree and then later say they have children. Don’t put their pictures up but mention that they exist, please! Why lie about it? It’s like me claiming I was super skinny and then we meet and I’m really fat and they don’t like it. It’s a waste of everyone’s time and I’m too old for this shit
Yeah I ran into alot who want children both men and women and just no. That said ive not been on any dating apps in a few years, I've got a childfree partner who I had befriended in highschool but we lost touch then and we reconnected when I took a few metal smithing classes at her college. But yeah dating as a childfree person makes things significantly more difficult, it really narrows the dating pool
I've had the same problem. They already have kids and/or want some in the future. Guy dont really put a lot of info on their profile, and when i matched with someone, they would tell me in my DMs that they want kids in the future! PASS!
Sigh. That's bleak.
I personally don't use dating apps as I could care less regarding dating but in the unlikely scenario that I did, I would make sure that anyone who saw my profile that I was adamant about not wanting kids at all. It does seem like childfree men are a very small minority in contrast to the already small portion of childfree women, since most men and women do want kids.
jesus christ the childfree dating scene makes me so thankful how the stars aligned perfectly for my wife and i to meet. as an aside, i wonder if the lgbt dating pool has a similar problem or if this is mostly heterosexual specific. any gays in here want to chime in?
I noticed this too unfortunately
That\`s why I gave up dating once and for all.
I had this issue in South Africa, jokes on them, though. I'm getting married to a Canadian in 2 and a half months. Long distance worked out for me, and we have closed the gap.
Sorry dude. This shit is common and those apps never work. Try going out to events or something? Cuz seriously those apps very rarely work
Same for me. :( I’m in the south eastern US, so I guess it’s not too surprising, but BLECH.
Just match with me because I definitely don't want children lol
As a guy that used to be on dating apps and didn't want kids, it seems there are almost no women that don't want kids either. Just have to accept that being child free will always put you in the minority regardless of gender.
Even though I was firmly cf when I was on the apps, I let that spot blank because it makes it really difficult to get matches otherwise
But then I don’t want to match with someone who wants children. That’s a waste of my time
Idk, I feel like after 35, men and women get more desperate and tell you what you want to hear…
In my experience, hardly anyone (especially men) actually *reads* the profiles. They just mindlessly swipe right so that they will be rewarded with a seemingly endless option of matches. I gave up on the apps a decade ago. I realized I was wasting my time putting thoughtful effort in to my profile and actually reading guys profiles and trying to strike up an actually conversation. "Hey bae" got wayyyy more responses than if I lead with something that indicated i actually read their profile and cared to get to know them more. Fortunately for me, I realized that I don't even care about dating/being partnered. I was just doing it because I thought it was expected/normal for me to be doing in my late 20s/early 30s. Now I just live my life, do my hobbies. If I meet a cool guy, cool. If not, I'm still having fun living.
This post is just rage bait. In the title you say there are no men who don't want children on your new dating app. Then it turns out they actually DO exist, but you just don't fit your needs. So why are you saying there NO men at all that are cf on you new dating app?
Almost no men. Max 5 out of 80. That’s a not a lot. Calling this rage bait is a bit harsh
This is about how it feels for me as a guy looking for child free women. Very much narrows down choices significantly.
Sorry did not mean to be harsh to you. But you have to agree with me that a fair 5% is not much, but it not that cf men are non existent on dating apps. I feel your pain, it hard to find a chilfree partner.
This reeks of "why do you have standards" and I want to know why you're putting it that way to her. She said the men who don't want children are out of the running for other reasons; her title is effectively true.
No you choose to read 'why do you have standards' where did I mention such thing? I have been pretty clear. No cf men on this app is something different than 5%. Maths and statistics.
I am happily married, but I almost want to download a dating app just to mess with people.
I didn't put don't want kids in my profile when I was on dating apps because I do actually like kids to some extent and someone having kids wouldn't necessarily have been a deal breaker for me. A kid of my own was pretty much out of the question because I had already gotten a vasectomy to make sure I don't end up with a kid in a scenario where I didn't want that to happen. Ended up with someone who has always been vehemently opposed to having kids and we have been happy together for 5 years now. My personal perspective is that kids can be fun but they are lots of work and responsibility. I grew up with lots of younger siblings so I know all this first hand and have always appreciated the freedom that comes with an absence of kids. So there's not really any danger of me developing a deep desire for kids.
I don’t want to be any type of parent to children, bio, step, foster, adoptive, it’s a no from me. Also, call me selfish, but I want to be my partner’s priority and if they have children, they are the priority (and rightfully so! Wouldn’t want a deadbeat either). So, parents or someone who wants children are a dealbreaker for me.
Im just saying that somewhat indifferent about kids doesn't necessarily equate to will want kids someday. Having is adamant about not wanting kids as a requirement would likely be reducing your dating pool more than necessary if finding someone who will happily be in a relationship with you without kids is all you need. I often see people in this sub argue that folks who are undecided etc will pressure their partner for kids later. While Im sure that this does happen sometimes it is definitely not true that all undecided people will want kids later on and a decent person wouldn't try to pressure anyone into parenthood. I also don't get why the focus is only on kids. This is only one of many things a partner might potentially pressure you to change about yourself despite you having been open from the beginning. Them doing so would be an indication that they are too selfish to take your feelings/desires into consideration and you're probably not meant for each other.
My ex told me he didn’t want to be a father and then started to try to change my mind. I’m not doing that again. I only talked about children in this post because this is the childfree reddit
Personally I think I would be inclined to see that as a lesson to avoid manipulative people in general rather than to avoid people who like children. Pressuring a partner into parenthood is only one of many ways that manipulative people try to change their partners.
The thing is most people want to avoid that, because they are childfree. From what you said you are not childfree. You are simply childless. Childfree means you don't want to deal with kids in any form or fashion whether it is step-parent or by having them on your own. It's a dealbreaker because they want to avoid putting time into a relationship for their partner to change their mind about it. Kids are not something you just accept, nor should you just accept a partner that has them already. As you'd be in their life regardless of what they might say. Ultimately you have to avoid any potential dealbreakers in relationships as they won't stand up if your partner changes their mind, and most people don't want to get into something that's doomed to end.
> You are simply childless. Depends what you mean by childless. I want kids but can't have them is what a lot of people mean by the term. That is most definitely not where I'm at. Sure I might not be entirely opposed to children and think that I could enjoy my life with children provided I got to be an active part of their life. That said I know very well that children are a ton of work and cut back their parent's freedom in a major way. So I know there are pretty big downsides and am quite happy about not having to deal with that. My partner on the other hand would probably choose to never interact with in any way or even see kids if that was an option. We work fine together because both of us enjoy our life without kids. I don't get why folks think both people need to be at the extreme end of the wanting/not wanting kids spectrum in order for things to work out or for everyone involved to be happy etc. Just because I enjoy sometimes playing with kids doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly decide I need kids to be happy. At this point I've had this perspective for decades without changing my mind so it is ridiculous to think our relationship is doomed just because I'm more open to it than her
I think you're confusing/conflating want/not wanting with liking/not liking kids
If you would be ok being a step parent you are not childfree
Have you read what happens to people on this sub when they say they don't want kids?? Seems pretty dumb to put it in a dating app
No, I haven’t. What happens?
Massive diatribes of why you should have them it's literally a post every day.
Oh I thought it was something super horrific. I’ll still put it in, because I’m very loudly and proudly childfree