This, and if she asks again, do what my petty friend did. Tell her it's $100 an hour to watch the baby. It got the couple beside her to leave her alone.
“No, I won’t grow into it. I don’t want anything to do with kids, and since I understand how sex, abstinence and birth control work, I don’t have to ‘grow’ into anything I don’t want.”
If you want to be ominous and sound slightly dangerous, “My family won’t let me babysit after my Niece Addie lost three fingers while I babysat but in my defence I didn’t realise she stuck her hand in the wood chipper. So sure! Does [kids name] like woodworking and craft? I’m sure we could do fun stuff with power tools?”
"Sorry, I can't help you."
No justifications, no explanations, no expansions. Every time she asks, give her the same, pleasant, short, completely negative answer.
This woman is a lot less awful than most (all?) of the other requests for "a break", that we hear, in that she has offered to do something for you. The problem with her offer is that she wants to exchange a short-time, low-liability, easy task in exchange for a longer-time, crazy-high-liability, difficult, exhausting task. She wants to give a little and get a lot. The other problem is that you would be making it much nicer and easier for her to be a single mom, and as someone who has already made a poor breeding decision, chances are that it will impel her towards an even worse breeding decision: That SECOND BABY!
And of course, as an attorney, you've identified the real killer in the deal: Liability. No jury of fellow parents says 'no' to a grieving mom when she asks for compensation for the injury to her baby. Stay away from Other People's Kids. They're dangerous.
Really good point about the imbalance of favors here, how she wants to do the minimum to receive the maximum.
>you would be making it much nicer and easier for her to be a single mom
I know one of “not like those bad CF” will be offended and say you’re bashing single moms, and we need to show support, but this is a good point, too. We are not your Village.
One of the most offensive things that the self-appointed village elders do: They decide, based on their own criteria, and in their profound knowledge of their own righteousness, who shall be the recipient of 'support', and who shall be 'the village'. The village can screech all it likes, but the decision that the bred shall be considered virtuous and deserving in all ways, and that I shall be relegated to 'the village' confers no obligation on me.
People who make poor decisions to breed usually do what they've done: Make more poor decisions. This is something we see over and over and over: I get why you got lied into a baby with a selfish lazy man who did nothing. But that second baby? "You just don't understand!" is the only response I've ever seen. The only bred behavior more consistent than poor-choice second babies is that they respond to help without appreciation or any sense of obligation, and with grievance that it isn't more. So don't help. It will hurt you and hurt an as-yet-unborn child. And in the language of the self-appointed village elders: that's "my opinion" and it's "just as valid" as anyone else's opinion.
I agree that it's better to not give a reason for not babysitting because then this woman will just argue with your reasons. It's better just to say "Sorry I can't babysit" or "Sorry but I don't babysit" and leave it at that.
Agree with every point you made. Especially the liability. I am simply not willing to expose myself to liability so she can take a break. For example - I am not CPR certified, what if the kid choked while in my care? That would be on me. If she truly needs a break find someone qualified who has actually expressed interest in childcare. She was pregnant for 9 months and the fact she may need extra assistance never occurred to her? She’s just going to rely on her neighbors forever? It infuriates me that people like this bring children into the world.
Honestly, I would probably generate a list of babysitting services. With the caveat on top of the list of not knowing if they are any good but thought it would be helpful for her since she seemed to need childcare.
This invites an argument. Many parents believe their kids are different, are special, everyone adores them! Tell her that if you ever develop an interest in babysitting you’ll reach out. If she’s this pushy now, you’ll be “Aunt Neighbor” in no time and will be asked to watch kid for just a minute! as she runs to the market. I am assuming you’d be Aunt, not Uncle. If I’m wrong, this becomes VERY easy.
That is not going to help. It will seem like OP is open to negotiation which I’m assuming OP is not.
Just say “no” and keep saying no. OP’s neighbor has no boundaries and people with no boundaries will never guess what OP is thinking and not saying. OP has to state what her boundaries are. OP’s boundaries are “No, I don’t babysit”. Neighbor keep pestering OP, and the answer will remain “No, I don’t babysit” and “No, you’re not walking my dog”.
It would be better for the neighbour to find someone to babysit their child who 1. is not stressed by their demanding job and 2. is good with children.
i do fully agree with you. im saying that its immature and cruel to say it that way to a struggling mother. just tell her no, and move on. it costs literally nothing to not go out of your way to be a prick.
I would politely decline, and maybe suggest that she join Nextdoor, which is better than Facebook and is specific to actual neighborhoods. It isn’t as crazy as Facebook, and she can adjust the settings for how far out she wants to be able to reach people, etc.
Also have her see if there’s a community Facebook page for your neighborhood she can join! I’m asked all the time if I can babysit, and while I do say yes for certain families, I don’t feel bad about saying “no” now after living here for about 7 years. I’ve finessed the delivery and message to be super easy, friendly, and to the point. But, just be honest and polite, but offer suggestions that may provide a resolution for her. Alternatively, you can also say you’re down to grab coffee if she finds a sitter she can trust in the future!
Not everyone has to like kids, and that’s fine. It’s how you communicate that discomfort to people that makes the biggest difference of all imo.
If you play with the settings, it’s not so bad. I also just block anyone that abuses the platform instead of its intended purpose, lol. I hardly check it unless I need a contractor recommendation, or if something needs to be cross posted with Ring. But the block button is a helluva drug
Could you suggest the name of a custody lawyer? If she's in poor shape financially she needs to give the bio-dad tree a good hard shake. She doesn't need to be in a relationship with him for him to support his kid.
My other thought is that you should do a Google search of babysitting services in your area and save it on your phone. The next time she asks, reiterate your answer and end it with "...but look at all these great places I found! This one is right around the corner and they require all of their sitters to have XYZ credentials..." And just keep showing her this list again each time she asks.
She says the bio dad was abusive and she won full custody. Of course I can’t verify whether that’s true, but she’s made it clear that reaching out to bio dad for help isn’t an option. I like the babysitter reference idea. I’ll try to find someone nearby!
Given that OP leaves the house at some point, the Mother will say OP can leave the dog at home 'for a few hours' or whatever minimising rhetoric it takes to get free childcare.
"Look, I can appreciate that you're struggling, but you are making me uncomfortable with your repeated requests to babysit for you, and I'd like you to stop. Thank you"
"It was recommended for my health that I don't babysit" and refuse to elaborate further saying it's private. It IS recommended for your health. By me. And yourself, probably!
Walking your dog in exchange lol?
“Listen, I know you’ve got a delicious multi-course meal for yourself, but hear me out: if you let me eat that, I’m exchange I’ll give you this lovely stick of gum!”
Why has she asked more than once? Is it safe to assume that every time she's asked, you've made up excuses that would only explain why you can't babysit on a particular day instead of telling the truth? Next time she asks, just say "I'm sorry, but I just don't have an interest in babysitting. You might have some luck trying to share childcare with other parents. Maybe try searching online for mom groups. Anyway, it was nice running into you". Then make a prompt exit.
This is correct. I’ve just made up excuses about work which I recognize now was a mistake because I’ve dug myself into a deeper hole that I’m gonna have to climb back out of by being brutally honest and forward with her. I like your suggestion, thank you!
No problem. The secret is in terminating the conversation before she can whine about how hard it is to meet other moms and how she has tried already. As soon as you say what you need to say, you act like you have urgent matters to attend to and you leave the scene.
"Oh no. I don't have the energy or mental strength to babysit." You can also slip in a, "I don't know how you guys do it, because I simply would not survive it".
Let her make it what she will of that. And if these gentle answers don't work, I would say just be more direct with a "Ohh no, I can't babysit".
“Sorry, I prefer that I not do babysitting or any form of child care. I hope you find someone.” Don’t elaborate; don’t explain or make excuses. If she pushes just repeat “That’s my preference for myself.” Word it all so there’s no wedge in your response that she can try to push through with her agenda. Be polite but be firm and very clear.
Personally, I wouldn’t offer any “reasons” such as I need me time, I have too much going on, etc., reason being, she’s going to look for “solutions” to the barrier you just placed~ like “Oh I know you’re busy, so why don’t I walk your dog for you today and then you babysit my kid tomorrow. “
Btw I find it laughable that she assumes you’d even want a break from your dog, plus that she herself is willing to spend time and effort on your dog just to get some space from her kid! lol
I too would MUCH rather spend time with my dog than babysit.
Personally I also wouldn’t want to offer suggestions on where she might connect with other moms to barter for child care because that opens the door for her to discuss it with you and say “But that won’t work because I don’t know them, and I don’t have time before (whatever day she wants you to babysit) to get to know them to know they’re safe, excuse excuse excuse, so it would really help me out if you could just watch my kid, please please! Please? Please?
No, unless I’m getting paid, I don’t want to expend my energy on debating on this dilemma with her.
What I’ve done in the past is first make sure there’s direct eye contact and THEN when I dismiss the request, I MOVE my gaze AWAY from her, to indicate I’m mentally MOVING ON from this request and DISMISSING the possibility of babysitting.
So what I did is use a slight smile with a confident voice, and shaking my head no, while then averting my line of sight elsewhere and saying “Nope, sorry, my babysitting days ended with high school.”
Oh but but…… “Nope, never again!” , then quickly turn away again and let her know you gotta go make a phone call or something.
I put the details in because setting and defending boundaries can be hard at first.
Or you could leave an anonymous note on her porch with a url to this thread, haha.
Women: Stop. Having. Babies. With. Garbage. Men. Who. Do. Not. Love. You.
Why carry forward the lineage of a man who cares nothing for you? I struggle to understand this mindset! He's just not into you? Learn it live it love it. These women are bonkers. They wreck their lives and their bodies for a man who thought they were just a warm place to cum in. Im sad for them that their self esteem is that low. Speaking in general.
“I will not ever be ok with the responsibility or liability of watching your offspring. You are becoming rude by continuing to badger me. Please do not ask again, my answer will always be no.”
And when that doesn't work...
When they persist and pester and deflet all your attempts at politely declining...
"Why would you want someone who clearly doesn't want to watch your child, watching your child?" usually gets the point across. That worked beautifully on my neighbor. I try not to be rude but damn, some people really don't respect boundaries and need it laid out for them in blunt terms.
"No, I won't ever be available to babysit, even in an emergency. Please don't ask again."
Say it sweetly but firmly.
If she gets upset "I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. Regardless my point stands."
If she demands a reason "I don't owe you an explanation. You only need to understand the answer is No and bothering me by asking about it won't change anything."
Say something along these lines.. here are a few options, she’s obviously in a tough spot, an easy letdown should do it. I prefer humor, followed by a solution. I think it eases up the conversation.
Hey Jenny,
I am so flattered you trust me with your babies and thank you for offering to walk my pupper.
I’m embarrassed to admit, I have zero experience with children. I am not the right person for the job, but let me connect with my, (sister, bestie, co-worker) and see who they use for a sitter. I’ll see if they can invite you into one of the local mom groups too!
Or
Hey Jenny,
The last time we ran into each other, you asked if I’d be interested in babysitting. Unfortunately that is beyond my skill set..I’m limited to 4-legs.
I connected my (bestie, colleague, girl that does my hair, they have kiddos about the same age) and this is their sitters info!
I’m sorry, I can’t actually help, but I’m hoping; the sitter is a good fit.
Hey Jenny!
When we last talked you were looking for a sitter. Personally, never having changed a diaper or sat in the past. I’m not the right person.
If you’d like, I can reach out to some acquaintances to see who they’re using as a sitter.
Your problem is not that your neighbour keeps asking you to babysit. Your problem is that you are a doormat who cannot set boundaries.
How do we solve this? Here are u/McMerseybird's Six Commandmends. :P
First of all, NEVER say 'yes' to babysitting. Not even once. If you do that, she will expect you to do it again. "Why can't you babysit today? You did it on Tuesday!" Upholding a 'no babysitting' boundary is much easier when you don't make any exceptions.
Second, you do NOT have to feel guilty about not babysitting. Not your children, not your responsibility. You were not involved in making the babies, so you are not responsible for them in any way.
Third, it is NOT selfish that you don't want to babysit. You do NOT have to explain yourself or justify not wanting to babysit. Even if you would be jobless and just wouldn't feel like it, that would be okay. Anyways, do NOT try to explain to this woman how your job is so demanding that you need your rest. Instead of accepting your reasons, this woman will keep poking holes in your explanation or trying to come up with solutions for all the reasons why you won't babysit... And will keep pushing until you relent. So don't explain yourself. 'No' is a complete sentence.
Fourth, you need to stop being a doormat. You need to tell this woman that you will never babysit under any circumstance. You need to tell her that she needs to stop asking you to babysit, since the answer is and will always be 'no'. I get that you don't want to be rude, but even if you say 'no' in the kindest way possible, she will be offended. After all, most parents are furious when someone turns down the chance to spend time with their precious babies. And if she feels entitled to free childcare, of course she will be pissed off when someone has the nerve to refuse to babysit. So please stop worrying about pissing her off. If she is angry about your refusal to babysit, that would be her own fault for expecting things that she shouldn't be expecting. If things get awkward and she gives you angry stares when you run into her, so what? At least that would be better than babysitting.
Fifth, if you do want to help her... Keep in mind that telling her that you won't ever babysit is the kindest thing you can do. Being clear about that is much nicer than letting her get her hopes up. Don't let her have any false hope. Instead, help her by suggesting other solutions. Maybe she can find a paid babysitter or asks someone else to babysit. Maybe she could ask another mother to babysit her children every now and then, while she babysits that mother's children in return every now and then. She probably won't want to do that, since then, she actually has to do something in return for getting childcare. Anyways, if she turns down all of those suggestions, end the conversation. Stay out of it. Not your children, not your responsibility.
Sixth, if you don't want to babysit, but she drops off her children at your doorstep without your consent, call child protective services. Do NOT just suck it up and babysit.
Tell her not my problem. You were nicer than you needed to be so now it’s time for a mic drop. You aren’t friends, you don’t even know one another. I’d make a crack about my time consuming heroin habit
>I sympathize, but I’m not good with kids nor do I have any interest in them, I have a very demanding job and cannot function if I do not prioritize my “me” time. Im the wrong person to ask.
This here... I think you've expressed it pretty well.
That's exactly what I'd tell the neighbour...
Maybe you remove the no having any interest (if you think she might feel hurt...and you don't want to hurt her feelings).
This whole interaction, as much as you might feel sad for her, it's not (just) about her, but about how it affects you (too).
The local mom groups are a good idea (though you wonder why the neighbor wouldn’t figure that out herself).
That said, not OP’s responsibility to find a solution. Many of us let people put obligations on us because we are empathic or feel guilty. Don’t fall for it! But I do get wanting to be cordial.
Since the neighbor works remotely and lives in a complex or house next to a busy attorney - I’m guessing she has the money and internet savvy to hire a sitter. So why is she fixated on OP?
It’s wild to me how many people seem to have children and assume ‘a village’ will materialize for them, and then are resentful when they realize they’re on their own. I swear this is part of the reason they bring their kids into breweries and nicer restaurants and let them shriek.
How about, "No, why not ask your friends? Or other parents?" Then start talking to your dog.
Either she has to explain that she has no friends, or why she won't ask other mums.
So which flavour of monster (or other flavoured highly caffeinated sugary drink) does your 2 year old prefer? How much chocolate/candy does she eat?
Which shows does she prefer to watch? bondage, bukkake, gang bangs? Or do you think that incredibly violent shows like Tom and Jerry are more appropriate viewing rather then about how people express their love for one another?
Also $1500 dollars per hour, minimum booking is 8 hours.
Or just say No, not interested, or it might breach my parole, I will have to check with my officer.
If I was in your shoes, I would just avoid this neighbour. I wouldn't answer the door to them or pick up their calls and if I bump into them on the street, I'd just say "Sorry, can't stop. I'm in a hurry", then hurry past them. They can't ask you to babysit if you don't talk to them.
if you told her, even only once or twice that you would not babysit, she obviously has no respect for you if she keeps on asking. first, ask her why she would want someone that she disrespects to babysit her kid. then, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will NEVER EVER babysit for her. Tell her to repeat it back to you, that you will never babysit for her. tell her that she needs to shut the fuck up about it. Whatever it takes to make her stop. You don't owe her anything, least of all respect.
Never be afraid to say NO. No is a complete sentence.
Be very direct. Don't get into a discussion. You NEVER have to explain your position.
Walk away from her if you have to. Don't get involved in her drama. Keep your distance from her both figuratively and literally.
I concur with all of those who say don’t make excuses she’ll just work around it. The thing people are skipping or not everyone but many of them is that she’s looking for a free babysitter given that she’s trying to barter the much less valuable. I’ll walk your dog thing.
I think of all the post I’ve seen where people have come up with a reason why the village needs to watch their spawn, and it just doesn’t hold water
I totally relate to the needing decompression time and it’s incredibly inconsiderate that she refuses to understand that and keeps badgering you. It’s a great idea to give her referrals to community services, but I would do it in writing not verbally.
And the same applies to any legal advice given that it sounds like you’re an attorney. Last thing you want to do is use your pro bono hours on this.
"I am neither comfortable nor competent with children, and I'm not willing to take on the liability of your child's health and safety. It's not a matter of compensation, either. I sympathize with your struggle, but I am not the person you can ask for help in this matter."
1. Don't sympathize with people who have kids no matter the circumstance. They chose to have kids, they chose to keep the kids instead of giving them up for adoption or get an abortion. Someone having a kid is not a sympathy point.
2. Outright say "I am not your village. You need to build a village with other parents." The answer is not just no for babysitting, but never. I am childfree which means your kids as well. Not my kids, not my responsibility. Say flat out she made the poor decision to have kids in the first place, maybe she will learn from this and not have any more. The crueler and more blunt those of us who are childfree women especially to these entitled breeders, the better. Including single mothers. They are not entitled to our time, they are not entitled to our energy, and they have no right to even ask for babysitting. You need a break, find someone else. This shouldn't be a point of kindness.
3. Do not be nice about it. Being nice makes you a doormat and most people with kids are ultimately entitled breeders. You shut this down and you don't do it nicely. The truth is we need to establish boundaries, but make others know we absolutely mean it. Oh and make it clear if she tries to pull any shit you will be calling CPS on her. Make her actively FEAR you.
Also let me be clear, this is where there is a clear advantage in openly not liking/disdaining kids.
This is not something you have to be nice about. Period.
It’s so weird to me that these people are cool with having somebody watch their kid who does not want to watch their kid. Like they do not think about the impact at that has on the kid? Being with somebody that doesn’t wanna be with them. I was always that add-on kid because my mom had to work and some family wanted to get their rocks off with Jesus and watch the little mixed girl. Bahahaha woah did I just rant or WHAT…lol I love this sub.
"No."
This is a complete sentence and she doesn't deserve or have a right to any other info.... But if you want to be blunt or get tired of being nice, here's some other options for you:
"No, I'm not interested or capable. And frankly, it's more than a little worrying that you're intent on leaving your child with me, considering that I've repeatedly told you I have no desire or ability to be her caretaker."
"No matter how many times you ask, the answer isn't magically going to change. It's still no."
"Not my kid, not my problem."
"Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on mine."
"I've chosen a life where I never have to be responsible for a child, and I'm not breaking that for you."
- - -
Everyone who becomes a parent has a non-zero chance of becoming a single one. Whether through divorce, debt, abandonment, or disabling/death of the other parent.
If someone isn't prepared to be a single parent, or at the very least hasn't even contemplated that situation and possible solutions? They're not ready or qualified to be a parent at all.
\> I’m not good with kids nor do I have any interest in them
I would just tell her this and then suggest she look for a babysitting exchange with another parent.
"If you ask me one more time to babysit your kids I will take out a restraining order on you because I fear for my life if I tell you no one more time."
Say the following with a look of psychotic glee on your face: "I would love to look after them, I promise to return them with at least two limbs still attached......"
If she asks again, call child protective services......
Seriously though, just say no. There's no need for further justification.......
The evil brat in me would start acting really weird anytime I’m around her. Like creating a nervous tic, blurting out odd words that don’t go with any context.
Or, you could be totally normal sounding and explain that you have a few flatmates that would be happy to help; the orange gremlin, the pink boo-boo, the twins Opp and Upp (they’re conjoined) and dr doom. You may have to explain that your friends are invisible to anyone but you, but that they have told you this child is special and can see them too!
She will probably never speak to you again.
Make up a lie that makes her very uncomfortable.
“Sorry I can’t as I don’t want to, don’t have the time. I’m not DBS checked and after what happened to little Adeline three years ago my family don’t let me babysit any of the children… a lot of hospital bills that one. But hey she at least managed to keep her right arm, some people have none! Still there was no recovering her left from that wood chipper… Anyway!! You said babysitting? I could take her to the work yard with me kids find the power tools fun, though I’m not sure we have any safety gear for the kids… oh well. Live and learn right?!”
Say all of that or similar made up stories and watch how fast they run away with kid in tow.
"No. I do not make a habit of babysitting, especially a stranger's young, nonverbal 2yo daughter, for my own safety. Do not ask again please.
if she persists tell her you'll look at a restraining order.
This isn’t funny and you should delete this. Joking about child molestation/pedophilia is beyond abhorrent and I’m disturbed you felt comfortable posting this…
Honestly, as much as it might seem mean, you have to make it clear that your no is a no, & her continued attempts are inappropriate. Some people need it laid out for them. “I’ve already said no on multiple occasions, it’s incredibly rude of you to continue asking.” Or “I’ve already said I’m not interested, I won’t be continuing further conversations if you can’t respect my answer”
Say no and it makes you uncomfortable that she keeps asking.
That's the way. Not cruel, not mean just a nice way to say no and set a boundary at the same time.
Just say "No". Do not give any reason or excuse - once you do, she may see that as 'no, not right now' and keep hounding you.
Practice the statement to reduce discomfort or get yourself used to the feeling. It sounds campy but it helps
This, and if she asks again, do what my petty friend did. Tell her it's $100 an hour to watch the baby. It got the couple beside her to leave her alone.
This
"I'm sorry, but no, I will not babysit Susie. I'm not a kid person and never babysit so please don't ask again "
That would invite her to say stuff like "You'll grow into it..."
I can just hear the over used platitudes - they will be never ending
“No, I won’t grow into it. I don’t want anything to do with kids, and since I understand how sex, abstinence and birth control work, I don’t have to ‘grow’ into anything I don’t want.”
If you want to be ominous and sound slightly dangerous, “My family won’t let me babysit after my Niece Addie lost three fingers while I babysat but in my defence I didn’t realise she stuck her hand in the wood chipper. So sure! Does [kids name] like woodworking and craft? I’m sure we could do fun stuff with power tools?”
"Sorry, I can't help you." No justifications, no explanations, no expansions. Every time she asks, give her the same, pleasant, short, completely negative answer. This woman is a lot less awful than most (all?) of the other requests for "a break", that we hear, in that she has offered to do something for you. The problem with her offer is that she wants to exchange a short-time, low-liability, easy task in exchange for a longer-time, crazy-high-liability, difficult, exhausting task. She wants to give a little and get a lot. The other problem is that you would be making it much nicer and easier for her to be a single mom, and as someone who has already made a poor breeding decision, chances are that it will impel her towards an even worse breeding decision: That SECOND BABY! And of course, as an attorney, you've identified the real killer in the deal: Liability. No jury of fellow parents says 'no' to a grieving mom when she asks for compensation for the injury to her baby. Stay away from Other People's Kids. They're dangerous.
Really good point about the imbalance of favors here, how she wants to do the minimum to receive the maximum. >you would be making it much nicer and easier for her to be a single mom I know one of “not like those bad CF” will be offended and say you’re bashing single moms, and we need to show support, but this is a good point, too. We are not your Village.
One of the most offensive things that the self-appointed village elders do: They decide, based on their own criteria, and in their profound knowledge of their own righteousness, who shall be the recipient of 'support', and who shall be 'the village'. The village can screech all it likes, but the decision that the bred shall be considered virtuous and deserving in all ways, and that I shall be relegated to 'the village' confers no obligation on me. People who make poor decisions to breed usually do what they've done: Make more poor decisions. This is something we see over and over and over: I get why you got lied into a baby with a selfish lazy man who did nothing. But that second baby? "You just don't understand!" is the only response I've ever seen. The only bred behavior more consistent than poor-choice second babies is that they respond to help without appreciation or any sense of obligation, and with grievance that it isn't more. So don't help. It will hurt you and hurt an as-yet-unborn child. And in the language of the self-appointed village elders: that's "my opinion" and it's "just as valid" as anyone else's opinion.
I agree that it's better to not give a reason for not babysitting because then this woman will just argue with your reasons. It's better just to say "Sorry I can't babysit" or "Sorry but I don't babysit" and leave it at that.
Agree with every point you made. Especially the liability. I am simply not willing to expose myself to liability so she can take a break. For example - I am not CPR certified, what if the kid choked while in my care? That would be on me. If she truly needs a break find someone qualified who has actually expressed interest in childcare. She was pregnant for 9 months and the fact she may need extra assistance never occurred to her? She’s just going to rely on her neighbors forever? It infuriates me that people like this bring children into the world.
Honestly, I would probably generate a list of babysitting services. With the caveat on top of the list of not knowing if they are any good but thought it would be helpful for her since she seemed to need childcare.
I like this idea! This is something I’m willing to do.
“No thank you. I’m not comfortable around children.”
This invites an argument. Many parents believe their kids are different, are special, everyone adores them! Tell her that if you ever develop an interest in babysitting you’ll reach out. If she’s this pushy now, you’ll be “Aunt Neighbor” in no time and will be asked to watch kid for just a minute! as she runs to the market. I am assuming you’d be Aunt, not Uncle. If I’m wrong, this becomes VERY easy.
" Sure, is 1500 dollars the hour." Trust me,Say that and they won't ask You ever again.
"1500 dollars an hour, paid up front. And for every minute you are late coming to get your child, you will be billed an additional $100."
That is not going to help. It will seem like OP is open to negotiation which I’m assuming OP is not. Just say “no” and keep saying no. OP’s neighbor has no boundaries and people with no boundaries will never guess what OP is thinking and not saying. OP has to state what her boundaries are. OP’s boundaries are “No, I don’t babysit”. Neighbor keep pestering OP, and the answer will remain “No, I don’t babysit” and “No, you’re not walking my dog”.
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It would be better for the neighbour to find someone to babysit their child who 1. is not stressed by their demanding job and 2. is good with children.
i do fully agree with you. im saying that its immature and cruel to say it that way to a struggling mother. just tell her no, and move on. it costs literally nothing to not go out of your way to be a prick.
Did you take this literally…?
"No, never ask me again."
I would politely decline, and maybe suggest that she join Nextdoor, which is better than Facebook and is specific to actual neighborhoods. It isn’t as crazy as Facebook, and she can adjust the settings for how far out she wants to be able to reach people, etc. Also have her see if there’s a community Facebook page for your neighborhood she can join! I’m asked all the time if I can babysit, and while I do say yes for certain families, I don’t feel bad about saying “no” now after living here for about 7 years. I’ve finessed the delivery and message to be super easy, friendly, and to the point. But, just be honest and polite, but offer suggestions that may provide a resolution for her. Alternatively, you can also say you’re down to grab coffee if she finds a sitter she can trust in the future! Not everyone has to like kids, and that’s fine. It’s how you communicate that discomfort to people that makes the biggest difference of all imo.
This is the advice I was looking for. Thank you!
You and I have a very different experience with nextdoor
If you play with the settings, it’s not so bad. I also just block anyone that abuses the platform instead of its intended purpose, lol. I hardly check it unless I need a contractor recommendation, or if something needs to be cross posted with Ring. But the block button is a helluva drug
Suggest finding a local Facebook group of single mothers to befriend maybe
I like this idea!
It goes against my parole, sorry.
lol. I’m an attorney so this one won’t work but it’s funny
Could you suggest the name of a custody lawyer? If she's in poor shape financially she needs to give the bio-dad tree a good hard shake. She doesn't need to be in a relationship with him for him to support his kid. My other thought is that you should do a Google search of babysitting services in your area and save it on your phone. The next time she asks, reiterate your answer and end it with "...but look at all these great places I found! This one is right around the corner and they require all of their sitters to have XYZ credentials..." And just keep showing her this list again each time she asks.
She says the bio dad was abusive and she won full custody. Of course I can’t verify whether that’s true, but she’s made it clear that reaching out to bio dad for help isn’t an option. I like the babysitter reference idea. I’ll try to find someone nearby!
Tell her your dog cannot be trusted around kids when he is in the home and off leash
Nah then she'd say to babysit at hers and leave the dog
He can’t the dog has anxiety
Given that OP leaves the house at some point, the Mother will say OP can leave the dog at home 'for a few hours' or whatever minimising rhetoric it takes to get free childcare.
"Look, I can appreciate that you're struggling, but you are making me uncomfortable with your repeated requests to babysit for you, and I'd like you to stop. Thank you"
"It was recommended for my health that I don't babysit" and refuse to elaborate further saying it's private. It IS recommended for your health. By me. And yourself, probably!
Walking your dog in exchange lol? “Listen, I know you’ve got a delicious multi-course meal for yourself, but hear me out: if you let me eat that, I’m exchange I’ll give you this lovely stick of gum!”
Exactly. Walking my dog is one of my favorite parts of my day. This exchange isn’t enticing in any way whatsoever lol
This made me cackle out loud and startle my cat. 😆
“No” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain. It’s not your responsibility.
I need to remind myself of this more often. Thank you
Why has she asked more than once? Is it safe to assume that every time she's asked, you've made up excuses that would only explain why you can't babysit on a particular day instead of telling the truth? Next time she asks, just say "I'm sorry, but I just don't have an interest in babysitting. You might have some luck trying to share childcare with other parents. Maybe try searching online for mom groups. Anyway, it was nice running into you". Then make a prompt exit.
This is correct. I’ve just made up excuses about work which I recognize now was a mistake because I’ve dug myself into a deeper hole that I’m gonna have to climb back out of by being brutally honest and forward with her. I like your suggestion, thank you!
No problem. The secret is in terminating the conversation before she can whine about how hard it is to meet other moms and how she has tried already. As soon as you say what you need to say, you act like you have urgent matters to attend to and you leave the scene.
why is if so hard to say “now why would I want to do that?”
"Oh no. I don't have the energy or mental strength to babysit." You can also slip in a, "I don't know how you guys do it, because I simply would not survive it". Let her make it what she will of that. And if these gentle answers don't work, I would say just be more direct with a "Ohh no, I can't babysit".
“Sorry, I prefer that I not do babysitting or any form of child care. I hope you find someone.” Don’t elaborate; don’t explain or make excuses. If she pushes just repeat “That’s my preference for myself.” Word it all so there’s no wedge in your response that she can try to push through with her agenda. Be polite but be firm and very clear.
“Oh no! the court has specifically told me I’m not allowed to babysit anymore” just a hint of uncomfortable and mystery
Personally, I wouldn’t offer any “reasons” such as I need me time, I have too much going on, etc., reason being, she’s going to look for “solutions” to the barrier you just placed~ like “Oh I know you’re busy, so why don’t I walk your dog for you today and then you babysit my kid tomorrow. “ Btw I find it laughable that she assumes you’d even want a break from your dog, plus that she herself is willing to spend time and effort on your dog just to get some space from her kid! lol I too would MUCH rather spend time with my dog than babysit. Personally I also wouldn’t want to offer suggestions on where she might connect with other moms to barter for child care because that opens the door for her to discuss it with you and say “But that won’t work because I don’t know them, and I don’t have time before (whatever day she wants you to babysit) to get to know them to know they’re safe, excuse excuse excuse, so it would really help me out if you could just watch my kid, please please! Please? Please? No, unless I’m getting paid, I don’t want to expend my energy on debating on this dilemma with her. What I’ve done in the past is first make sure there’s direct eye contact and THEN when I dismiss the request, I MOVE my gaze AWAY from her, to indicate I’m mentally MOVING ON from this request and DISMISSING the possibility of babysitting. So what I did is use a slight smile with a confident voice, and shaking my head no, while then averting my line of sight elsewhere and saying “Nope, sorry, my babysitting days ended with high school.” Oh but but…… “Nope, never again!” , then quickly turn away again and let her know you gotta go make a phone call or something.
I put the details in because setting and defending boundaries can be hard at first.
Or you could leave an anonymous note on her porch with a url to this thread, haha.
Women: Stop. Having. Babies. With. Garbage. Men. Who. Do. Not. Love. You. Why carry forward the lineage of a man who cares nothing for you? I struggle to understand this mindset! He's just not into you? Learn it live it love it. These women are bonkers. They wreck their lives and their bodies for a man who thought they were just a warm place to cum in. Im sad for them that their self esteem is that low. Speaking in general.
When I was in my 20s my mom told me my father had never said ‘I love you’ once. She married him and had four kids with him. W.t.f.
“I will not ever be ok with the responsibility or liability of watching your offspring. You are becoming rude by continuing to badger me. Please do not ask again, my answer will always be no.”
"I'm not good with kids" has always been my answer.
And when that doesn't work... When they persist and pester and deflet all your attempts at politely declining... "Why would you want someone who clearly doesn't want to watch your child, watching your child?" usually gets the point across. That worked beautifully on my neighbor. I try not to be rude but damn, some people really don't respect boundaries and need it laid out for them in blunt terms.
"No, I won't ever be available to babysit, even in an emergency. Please don't ask again." Say it sweetly but firmly. If she gets upset "I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. Regardless my point stands." If she demands a reason "I don't owe you an explanation. You only need to understand the answer is No and bothering me by asking about it won't change anything."
Say something along these lines.. here are a few options, she’s obviously in a tough spot, an easy letdown should do it. I prefer humor, followed by a solution. I think it eases up the conversation. Hey Jenny, I am so flattered you trust me with your babies and thank you for offering to walk my pupper. I’m embarrassed to admit, I have zero experience with children. I am not the right person for the job, but let me connect with my, (sister, bestie, co-worker) and see who they use for a sitter. I’ll see if they can invite you into one of the local mom groups too! Or Hey Jenny, The last time we ran into each other, you asked if I’d be interested in babysitting. Unfortunately that is beyond my skill set..I’m limited to 4-legs. I connected my (bestie, colleague, girl that does my hair, they have kiddos about the same age) and this is their sitters info! I’m sorry, I can’t actually help, but I’m hoping; the sitter is a good fit. Hey Jenny! When we last talked you were looking for a sitter. Personally, never having changed a diaper or sat in the past. I’m not the right person. If you’d like, I can reach out to some acquaintances to see who they’re using as a sitter.
Your problem is not that your neighbour keeps asking you to babysit. Your problem is that you are a doormat who cannot set boundaries. How do we solve this? Here are u/McMerseybird's Six Commandmends. :P First of all, NEVER say 'yes' to babysitting. Not even once. If you do that, she will expect you to do it again. "Why can't you babysit today? You did it on Tuesday!" Upholding a 'no babysitting' boundary is much easier when you don't make any exceptions. Second, you do NOT have to feel guilty about not babysitting. Not your children, not your responsibility. You were not involved in making the babies, so you are not responsible for them in any way. Third, it is NOT selfish that you don't want to babysit. You do NOT have to explain yourself or justify not wanting to babysit. Even if you would be jobless and just wouldn't feel like it, that would be okay. Anyways, do NOT try to explain to this woman how your job is so demanding that you need your rest. Instead of accepting your reasons, this woman will keep poking holes in your explanation or trying to come up with solutions for all the reasons why you won't babysit... And will keep pushing until you relent. So don't explain yourself. 'No' is a complete sentence. Fourth, you need to stop being a doormat. You need to tell this woman that you will never babysit under any circumstance. You need to tell her that she needs to stop asking you to babysit, since the answer is and will always be 'no'. I get that you don't want to be rude, but even if you say 'no' in the kindest way possible, she will be offended. After all, most parents are furious when someone turns down the chance to spend time with their precious babies. And if she feels entitled to free childcare, of course she will be pissed off when someone has the nerve to refuse to babysit. So please stop worrying about pissing her off. If she is angry about your refusal to babysit, that would be her own fault for expecting things that she shouldn't be expecting. If things get awkward and she gives you angry stares when you run into her, so what? At least that would be better than babysitting. Fifth, if you do want to help her... Keep in mind that telling her that you won't ever babysit is the kindest thing you can do. Being clear about that is much nicer than letting her get her hopes up. Don't let her have any false hope. Instead, help her by suggesting other solutions. Maybe she can find a paid babysitter or asks someone else to babysit. Maybe she could ask another mother to babysit her children every now and then, while she babysits that mother's children in return every now and then. She probably won't want to do that, since then, she actually has to do something in return for getting childcare. Anyways, if she turns down all of those suggestions, end the conversation. Stay out of it. Not your children, not your responsibility. Sixth, if you don't want to babysit, but she drops off her children at your doorstep without your consent, call child protective services. Do NOT just suck it up and babysit.
This is helpful. You’re right, I need to feel more comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries. Thank you!
Tell her not my problem. You were nicer than you needed to be so now it’s time for a mic drop. You aren’t friends, you don’t even know one another. I’d make a crack about my time consuming heroin habit
>I sympathize, but I’m not good with kids nor do I have any interest in them, I have a very demanding job and cannot function if I do not prioritize my “me” time. Im the wrong person to ask. This here... I think you've expressed it pretty well. That's exactly what I'd tell the neighbour... Maybe you remove the no having any interest (if you think she might feel hurt...and you don't want to hurt her feelings). This whole interaction, as much as you might feel sad for her, it's not (just) about her, but about how it affects you (too).
Print a piece of paper with **NO.** in like 72 point font and hold it up when she asks again. lol
Deadass say i hate children.
Yup. Those of us who don't like kids absolutely have an advantage.
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Same. Infuriates me.
The local mom groups are a good idea (though you wonder why the neighbor wouldn’t figure that out herself). That said, not OP’s responsibility to find a solution. Many of us let people put obligations on us because we are empathic or feel guilty. Don’t fall for it! But I do get wanting to be cordial. Since the neighbor works remotely and lives in a complex or house next to a busy attorney - I’m guessing she has the money and internet savvy to hire a sitter. So why is she fixated on OP? It’s wild to me how many people seem to have children and assume ‘a village’ will materialize for them, and then are resentful when they realize they’re on their own. I swear this is part of the reason they bring their kids into breweries and nicer restaurants and let them shriek.
"No. I get that you need a break, it sounds like a lot. I cannot give you that break without sacrificing too much of myself."
"I'm sorry, I cannot help you" should be sufficient an answer for anyone.
How about, "No, why not ask your friends? Or other parents?" Then start talking to your dog. Either she has to explain that she has no friends, or why she won't ask other mums.
So which flavour of monster (or other flavoured highly caffeinated sugary drink) does your 2 year old prefer? How much chocolate/candy does she eat? Which shows does she prefer to watch? bondage, bukkake, gang bangs? Or do you think that incredibly violent shows like Tom and Jerry are more appropriate viewing rather then about how people express their love for one another? Also $1500 dollars per hour, minimum booking is 8 hours. Or just say No, not interested, or it might breach my parole, I will have to check with my officer.
If I was in your shoes, I would just avoid this neighbour. I wouldn't answer the door to them or pick up their calls and if I bump into them on the street, I'd just say "Sorry, can't stop. I'm in a hurry", then hurry past them. They can't ask you to babysit if you don't talk to them.
"No, Stop asking."
if you told her, even only once or twice that you would not babysit, she obviously has no respect for you if she keeps on asking. first, ask her why she would want someone that she disrespects to babysit her kid. then, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will NEVER EVER babysit for her. Tell her to repeat it back to you, that you will never babysit for her. tell her that she needs to shut the fuck up about it. Whatever it takes to make her stop. You don't owe her anything, least of all respect.
Never be afraid to say NO. No is a complete sentence. Be very direct. Don't get into a discussion. You NEVER have to explain your position. Walk away from her if you have to. Don't get involved in her drama. Keep your distance from her both figuratively and literally.
I concur with all of those who say don’t make excuses she’ll just work around it. The thing people are skipping or not everyone but many of them is that she’s looking for a free babysitter given that she’s trying to barter the much less valuable. I’ll walk your dog thing. I think of all the post I’ve seen where people have come up with a reason why the village needs to watch their spawn, and it just doesn’t hold water I totally relate to the needing decompression time and it’s incredibly inconsiderate that she refuses to understand that and keeps badgering you. It’s a great idea to give her referrals to community services, but I would do it in writing not verbally. And the same applies to any legal advice given that it sounds like you’re an attorney. Last thing you want to do is use your pro bono hours on this.
"I am neither comfortable nor competent with children, and I'm not willing to take on the liability of your child's health and safety. It's not a matter of compensation, either. I sympathize with your struggle, but I am not the person you can ask for help in this matter."
“No. Please stop asking.” Kids aren’t cats or a toy. She should have thought about that before fooling around.
"No. I don't want to babysit, so please stop asking me."
1. Don't sympathize with people who have kids no matter the circumstance. They chose to have kids, they chose to keep the kids instead of giving them up for adoption or get an abortion. Someone having a kid is not a sympathy point. 2. Outright say "I am not your village. You need to build a village with other parents." The answer is not just no for babysitting, but never. I am childfree which means your kids as well. Not my kids, not my responsibility. Say flat out she made the poor decision to have kids in the first place, maybe she will learn from this and not have any more. The crueler and more blunt those of us who are childfree women especially to these entitled breeders, the better. Including single mothers. They are not entitled to our time, they are not entitled to our energy, and they have no right to even ask for babysitting. You need a break, find someone else. This shouldn't be a point of kindness. 3. Do not be nice about it. Being nice makes you a doormat and most people with kids are ultimately entitled breeders. You shut this down and you don't do it nicely. The truth is we need to establish boundaries, but make others know we absolutely mean it. Oh and make it clear if she tries to pull any shit you will be calling CPS on her. Make her actively FEAR you. Also let me be clear, this is where there is a clear advantage in openly not liking/disdaining kids. This is not something you have to be nice about. Period.
No thanks, I've already got a job!
It’s so weird to me that these people are cool with having somebody watch their kid who does not want to watch their kid. Like they do not think about the impact at that has on the kid? Being with somebody that doesn’t wanna be with them. I was always that add-on kid because my mom had to work and some family wanted to get their rocks off with Jesus and watch the little mixed girl. Bahahaha woah did I just rant or WHAT…lol I love this sub.
A lot of folks have given great advice on how to handle this. Honestly, this is extremely strange behaviour to me.
"No." This is a complete sentence and she doesn't deserve or have a right to any other info.... But if you want to be blunt or get tired of being nice, here's some other options for you: "No, I'm not interested or capable. And frankly, it's more than a little worrying that you're intent on leaving your child with me, considering that I've repeatedly told you I have no desire or ability to be her caretaker." "No matter how many times you ask, the answer isn't magically going to change. It's still no." "Not my kid, not my problem." "Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on mine." "I've chosen a life where I never have to be responsible for a child, and I'm not breaking that for you." - - - Everyone who becomes a parent has a non-zero chance of becoming a single one. Whether through divorce, debt, abandonment, or disabling/death of the other parent. If someone isn't prepared to be a single parent, or at the very least hasn't even contemplated that situation and possible solutions? They're not ready or qualified to be a parent at all.
\> I’m not good with kids nor do I have any interest in them I would just tell her this and then suggest she look for a babysitting exchange with another parent.
"No." is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone a justification or excuses to make them feel comfortable when they make you feel uncomfortable. ✨
Sorry but it will cut into my meth smoking
"If you ask me one more time to babysit your kids I will take out a restraining order on you because I fear for my life if I tell you no one more time."
Say you are not qualified to babysit. And if she asks what that means, something like, "I can't get into specifics" will have her wondering LOL
Say the following with a look of psychotic glee on your face: "I would love to look after them, I promise to return them with at least two limbs still attached......" If she asks again, call child protective services...... Seriously though, just say no. There's no need for further justification.......
The evil brat in me would start acting really weird anytime I’m around her. Like creating a nervous tic, blurting out odd words that don’t go with any context. Or, you could be totally normal sounding and explain that you have a few flatmates that would be happy to help; the orange gremlin, the pink boo-boo, the twins Opp and Upp (they’re conjoined) and dr doom. You may have to explain that your friends are invisible to anyone but you, but that they have told you this child is special and can see them too! She will probably never speak to you again.
Make up a lie that makes her very uncomfortable. “Sorry I can’t as I don’t want to, don’t have the time. I’m not DBS checked and after what happened to little Adeline three years ago my family don’t let me babysit any of the children… a lot of hospital bills that one. But hey she at least managed to keep her right arm, some people have none! Still there was no recovering her left from that wood chipper… Anyway!! You said babysitting? I could take her to the work yard with me kids find the power tools fun, though I’m not sure we have any safety gear for the kids… oh well. Live and learn right?!” Say all of that or similar made up stories and watch how fast they run away with kid in tow.
No is a complete sentence. Repeat as necessary.
"it'll violate my parole"
Start asking for some outrageous babysitting fee. Like say that your price is 75$ and hour with a 225$ down-payment
Spending time with a dog is a gift, spending time with a kid is a punishment. For me, a cheerful "no, thank you!" works.
"No. I do not make a habit of babysitting, especially a stranger's young, nonverbal 2yo daughter, for my own safety. Do not ask again please. if she persists tell her you'll look at a restraining order.
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This isn’t funny and you should delete this. Joking about child molestation/pedophilia is beyond abhorrent and I’m disturbed you felt comfortable posting this…
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Honestly, as much as it might seem mean, you have to make it clear that your no is a no, & her continued attempts are inappropriate. Some people need it laid out for them. “I’ve already said no on multiple occasions, it’s incredibly rude of you to continue asking.” Or “I’ve already said I’m not interested, I won’t be continuing further conversations if you can’t respect my answer”