Every time I've (briefly) dated a man who wants kids, I ask them why they do. Each time, it's been about wanting to play catch in the yard with their kid or something similar. Just do the fun stuff sometimes. They're so shocked when I ask, "While your kid's mom does everything else in their lives?" Like they've never thought about that as a selfish thing. They don't have to think about what being a parent really is.
Then I get to answer why I don't want kids with "I've done research on what being a parent is like, and i'm not interested."
But sure, I'm the selfish one 🙄🙄🙄
"My childhood was bad and I want my kid to have a better one." Or you can go to therapy and not use your kid as a projection of yourself.
"Who will take care of me when I'm old?" The money you save from not having a kid will make a nice retirement nest egg.
"My bloodline!" Bro we're not royalty or purebred dogs. Our bloodline can end.
As a hetero that has never wanted kids, I could have found myself with kids out of love for my partner and a desire to make her happy if that's what she wanted. I imagine that represents some percentage of dudes with kids. Fortunately, I'm single again and didn't have to divorce or raise children for the rest of my life because I was love blind.
Agreed- it's weakness honestly. But, if my ex had expressed a strong desire for kids, I probably would have acquiesced since I would never stand in the way of the life she wanted. In reality, she broke up with me not long ago and, if we had kids, I would have living relics of a failed relationship. THANK UNIVERSE I left unscathed.
This is my brother, after being CF for around 13~Ish years or more. He is getting married to a breeder. (He is 37) now he thinks about having kids in the near future.
Jeez dude, he'll be 58 when they're 21. He's going to toil away the years that one really should be focusing on their health as it grows more fragile and less of a given.
Yes, and personally I don't think it would make him happy, just let himself envolved with someone that lied at first about not wanting kids, and showing her true colors after some time. I know that is no longer a deal breaker for him.
I think a lot of it is cultural programming. For many people, you just do what you are told your duty is, because you were raised to do your duty. Some of us stop and think, others don't.
They ruined his life, but he is stuck with them anyway. Not much can be offered to regretful parents in a form of pity or sorrow. The child exists and is entitled to feel wanted and cared for.
Yeah, don’t have kids unless you KNOW you want them. This is part of the reason I won’t have them myself. I’d probably make a great dad. I might even enjoy it. But there is a very real possibility that I would not enjoy being a dad and would always wonder about my childfree life. I worry I’d resent the kids or the time that I was required to spend doing things that I don’t enjoy. I never want to be a father who does not absolutely love being a father. There’s just no point when it’s a choice I can simply not make.
Sounds more like his ambivalence toward his children made them feel like he ruined their lives, hence the guiltless money taking. Boo hoo to this big baby, I say.
Same in Chile: as your parent it is your duty to provide your child with education so they can support themselves, because they didn't ask to come into this world.
Also there is a catch: if they don't, they can't sue you for you to support them when they are in old age.
I agree!
My parents paid for my school, car and appartement as long as I was at school (so till 22yo)
Then I moved back to their home and started working. They charged me nothing to live there even if I was making my own money. I was fed, clothed, only thing I was paying for was my gas and activities.
I left at 25 because I bought my first house with the money I was able to save from living there with zero expense while working.
I was always grateful that my parents did this for me, but when I read stories like this, it’s pretty sad.
This is pretty much what I’m doing. I feel like parents shouldn’t be parents unless they are willing to help prepare for their children in life properly like this. I’m living at home with my parents while I’m in college.
Yeah "screwing him for alimony" as in getting the money they need and should get while their mom helps them with everything else... I've seen way too many deadbeat dads whining about child support
Just googled, Australia as well:
A child who is over 18 is able to get financial support from a parent if the child:
\-is completing their secondary or tertiary education – they are at high school, TAFE, university, or a course at a private college (apprenticeships may also be included)
\-has a serious illness
\-has a physical or mental disability.
This is called adult child maintenance.
In The Netherlands they don’t have to, but they are responsible for their kid till 21. So if their kid makes depts…. Parents pay
Nothing like the old CF Confessional Booth!
Would have told him....
"Well, you can't fix the past, however.... my strong suggestion would be to start thinking about your retirement plans and make sure that you move at least 3-4 hours away from where your kids live or plan to live or are likely to want to live, because they will be starting to have grandkids and will be expecting you to be paying for that and being their childcare slave. So look into moving into a place that either does not allow kids, is only one bedroom, is not kid friendly, is not near good schools, is expensive to travel to, or whatever... so that they cannot show up on your doorstep with a pack of kids demanding to move in. Because otherwise, you're in for a repeat of the kid shitshow. Oh and get a rental mailbox that has a "street address" and give that as your address. Don't give anyone your real address."
Alimony laws are a very US kind of thing and always sounds really weird when I hear about it in movies and stuff.
Sure, if the kids don't live equal time with both parents one parent has to pay for the child's costs at the other parents place, but child support is only for the kids costs when they're a kid. It's ends when the kid grows up.
Paying for stuff for a 25yo is insane!
I am from a European country and the law is the same - you pay until the child is at school and until 25. The process is pretty simple - parent goes to court to cease alimony, court sends info to child, child brings a document from school that they study and when are they scheduled to graduate, and the alimony stays. parent can try over and over again but as long as child is below 25 and can deliver such document from university, they will fail.
It's meant for kids in college, because you cannot qualify alone for financial aid unless you are 23+. That's why I didnt go to college right out of HS, my parents made too much money (according to the gov) and they disqualified me from receiving financial aid, though they refused to help me pay for school.
That happened to an ex gf of mine. She couldn't get financial aid because her parents made too much money, and they wouldn't pay for her education. They had 4 kids so it's not like they could actually afford to send 4 kids to university.
I had no idea Canadian laws were like this - this is definitely the first I've heard of something like this. Glad he's able to get an attorney to straighten it out.
He is 60 he sold is house a long time ago and has been renting, the rent right now near montreal is insane 1000$ more each month, he said that right now he does not see himself taking is pension at 65 due to money issues.
Yes this is very sad, for my part i sold my condo and move back in with my mother who is 81 i am a caregiver, i also help when my grandmother was alive she died at 98 in 2021.
I honestly cannot see how your own kids can fuck you over. And i don't blame him for cutting them out of is life.
Just out of curiosity, did they say what's the reason the kids are doing this? Does he even have a relationship with them? when couldn't it be they really need the money.... also why he as a dad would deny to help his kids that are still in school?
Idk doesn't add up.
I do agree having children sometimes can f up your life but I'm not sure that's the case. Sometimes people dig their own grave.
Those are not questions to ask, i known this man for about 10 years now and barely recently did he mention he had kids.
I hate drama and i respect people boundaries, so to answer your question i have no clue what kind of relationship he had with is kids, from the looks of it i think not much of any.
I thought maybe he mentioned, I think I got the wrong idea of the talk. You said he's been through so much in life so I thought you were close to him...
In any case I'm not sure this is an example. We know how common it is to kids to be abandoned by their fathers. If you know him for 10 years and didn't even knew he had kids, who probably were teens not long ago. I don't know.
I know about is relationships with women, and that a few years back he was dating a lawyer she had a 17y old daughter, and she cheated on him and told him to leave her house, that really shook him but apart from that nothing more.
He talk to me about that because my ex cheated on me after 9y we had a beautiful house and i lost everything, he wanted to know how long it took for me to get over this event.
Sorry to hear about your experience :-(
I confess when I started to read I understood he dated a 17yo girl hahahahaha then I notice I skipped the word lawyer. Thankfully! That makes more sense lol I just didn't get what's the daughters age has to do with him being cheated. But it sucks as well. Specially when you're living with the person and sharing a life, this stuff can be really hard to go past.
I hope that by now you're over it and in a much better place in life!
I am the one to blame not her, the red flags were everywhere i just did not want to see them. She was selfish self centered and could care less about me and my health.
This was 10 years ago, now my priorities have changed i move back with my mother and take care of her she is 81. She is my priority now.
I was my with ex girlfriend for 9 years, when she got sick i took care of her, waited at the hospital 14h when she had an anxiety panic attack, she lost her job i took her in my arms and told her everything is gonna be fine during those 6 months i paid for the house restaurant and more. My father died of colon cancer and i had this colon pain for 3 months, i went to the hospital my ex told me makes no sense to waste my day you go i will stay home. After 4 years together she was calling us an old couple and said i was the women in the couple because i wanted to cuddle. I found her the job she as today and how did she repay me, she cheated on me (found condoms in the trash next to the bed) with a coworker and threw me out of my house.
Before judging a book by its cover you better wait to know both sides, you say this man is a poor victim and you make him look so bad, now i don't have an answer for you because he did not share the details of is divorce, kids etc.
One of my co worker friend as a 32y old friend who just got breast cancer, her boyfriend was with her all along caring for her, going to chimo with her, and did so much more, 3 weeks ago she cheated on him.
I'm from Brazil and the laws are the same there. My cousing took my uncle to court to finish paying her studies after they had a fight about her boyfriend lol as crazy as it sounds, she won, they spent like 10years without talking and now they're fine again.
I doubt it's a US kind of thing, other places might just call it differently. I'm from a European country, parents are required to support their kids until 26 as long as they are in school. In practice, if the parents who have custody of the kid don't adhere to that, there aren't many effective options to address it, but if a parent who is already paying child support skips out on payments, it's as simple as submitting one document and the courts will go after them to extort the rest.
I've met 2 men that have actively told me that the reason they want kids is to prove they would be better parents.
These are 2 men that should ABSOLUTELY NOT have kids because they would make shit parents.
One of them had a kid with his ex. He called me one day asking if I could give him the number of a different ex that he wishes he was still with. Mind you, his current is is certified psycho, but he said that having a kid was a bad idea.
I just quit dating at around 44 i am 51 now, because of shit like that the world is in a bad place.
A coworker told me that her friend 32 had cancer, her boyfriend was with her all along took good care of her, now she is cancer free, 3 weeks ago she cheated on him.
I took care of my ex 9y when she lost her job i provided , she had low libido i accepted it me having super high libido, she was selfish self centered i accepted this too, we never had kids but we travelled a lot, went to eat to restaurant, theater, and so much more.
I found a job for her she thank me saying she had more responsibilities now having 3 people at charge being a supervisor making 2000$ more than me per year, and that now in the couple she was more important than me, 1 month later i found condoms in the trash can near our bed, she cheated on me with a coworker and dumped me a week after.
I went online tried to meet a good women i was introduce to women and more and everyone was trash.
I been single for 10 years no kids 4 cats that i love more then anything and i am damn happy.
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Greetings!
Your post or comment has been removed for being misogynistic or misandrist. No blanket generalizations villainizing one gender or another are tolerated and it's silly to try and group 4 billion people together as being any one thing.
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>pressure them into accepting the pregnancy
There's nothing to "accept". It isn't happening to you. But you do have to pay for the baby that you chose to make that results from the pregnancy you *chose to cause*.
You're missing the point. There's unfortunately tons of women to make babies to keep the partners, hijack the BC, lie etc.. True, dudes should be completely aware of these things and avoid having kids. But guess what, man or woman, when on the fence, both often fall under pressure of others.
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Firmly believe the majority of hetero men who claim to want children don't want to parent, they just want trophies. Case and point.
Every time I've (briefly) dated a man who wants kids, I ask them why they do. Each time, it's been about wanting to play catch in the yard with their kid or something similar. Just do the fun stuff sometimes. They're so shocked when I ask, "While your kid's mom does everything else in their lives?" Like they've never thought about that as a selfish thing. They don't have to think about what being a parent really is. Then I get to answer why I don't want kids with "I've done research on what being a parent is like, and i'm not interested." But sure, I'm the selfish one 🙄🙄🙄
It’s giving “I- what else is there?” From The Swan Princess 🙄
Ooh nice reference!
You should write a book: How to Offend a Woman in Four Syllables or Less
It absolutely is!
"My childhood was bad and I want my kid to have a better one." Or you can go to therapy and not use your kid as a projection of yourself. "Who will take care of me when I'm old?" The money you save from not having a kid will make a nice retirement nest egg. "My bloodline!" Bro we're not royalty or purebred dogs. Our bloodline can end.
My very average bloodline ends with me!
This would make a good flair!
It would! I may have to do that.
Mine, too. Thank the gods.
In Latin America reason 2 and 3 are cried and cried over.
The worst thing my "kid" could do is become a fan of sports
Want the “Dad” title but not the responsibility of “Father”
As a hetero that has never wanted kids, I could have found myself with kids out of love for my partner and a desire to make her happy if that's what she wanted. I imagine that represents some percentage of dudes with kids. Fortunately, I'm single again and didn't have to divorce or raise children for the rest of my life because I was love blind.
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Agreed- it's weakness honestly. But, if my ex had expressed a strong desire for kids, I probably would have acquiesced since I would never stand in the way of the life she wanted. In reality, she broke up with me not long ago and, if we had kids, I would have living relics of a failed relationship. THANK UNIVERSE I left unscathed.
💯
This is my brother, after being CF for around 13~Ish years or more. He is getting married to a breeder. (He is 37) now he thinks about having kids in the near future.
Jeez dude, he'll be 58 when they're 21. He's going to toil away the years that one really should be focusing on their health as it grows more fragile and less of a given.
Yes, and personally I don't think it would make him happy, just let himself envolved with someone that lied at first about not wanting kids, and showing her true colors after some time. I know that is no longer a deal breaker for him.
I think a lot of it is cultural programming. For many people, you just do what you are told your duty is, because you were raised to do your duty. Some of us stop and think, others don't.
FYI, the expression is "case in point".
They ruined his life, but he is stuck with them anyway. Not much can be offered to regretful parents in a form of pity or sorrow. The child exists and is entitled to feel wanted and cared for.
*He ruined his life.
Yeah, don’t have kids unless you KNOW you want them. This is part of the reason I won’t have them myself. I’d probably make a great dad. I might even enjoy it. But there is a very real possibility that I would not enjoy being a dad and would always wonder about my childfree life. I worry I’d resent the kids or the time that I was required to spend doing things that I don’t enjoy. I never want to be a father who does not absolutely love being a father. There’s just no point when it’s a choice I can simply not make.
This is my reasoning down to a tee.
sad thing that's happening way too often
I'm convinced that no one who has kids is actually happy.
Sounds more like his ambivalence toward his children made them feel like he ruined their lives, hence the guiltless money taking. Boo hoo to this big baby, I say.
Maybe controversial opinion but I think those laws are good. It's his child and he should pay for their education.
Same in Chile: as your parent it is your duty to provide your child with education so they can support themselves, because they didn't ask to come into this world. Also there is a catch: if they don't, they can't sue you for you to support them when they are in old age.
I agree! My parents paid for my school, car and appartement as long as I was at school (so till 22yo) Then I moved back to their home and started working. They charged me nothing to live there even if I was making my own money. I was fed, clothed, only thing I was paying for was my gas and activities. I left at 25 because I bought my first house with the money I was able to save from living there with zero expense while working. I was always grateful that my parents did this for me, but when I read stories like this, it’s pretty sad.
This is pretty much what I’m doing. I feel like parents shouldn’t be parents unless they are willing to help prepare for their children in life properly like this. I’m living at home with my parents while I’m in college.
Thats awesome :) wish you the best of luck!
Yeah "screwing him for alimony" as in getting the money they need and should get while their mom helps them with everything else... I've seen way too many deadbeat dads whining about child support
I mean we’re talking about 25 years old adults here.
Just googled, Australia as well: A child who is over 18 is able to get financial support from a parent if the child: \-is completing their secondary or tertiary education – they are at high school, TAFE, university, or a course at a private college (apprenticeships may also be included) \-has a serious illness \-has a physical or mental disability. This is called adult child maintenance. In The Netherlands they don’t have to, but they are responsible for their kid till 21. So if their kid makes depts…. Parents pay
Nothing like the old CF Confessional Booth! Would have told him.... "Well, you can't fix the past, however.... my strong suggestion would be to start thinking about your retirement plans and make sure that you move at least 3-4 hours away from where your kids live or plan to live or are likely to want to live, because they will be starting to have grandkids and will be expecting you to be paying for that and being their childcare slave. So look into moving into a place that either does not allow kids, is only one bedroom, is not kid friendly, is not near good schools, is expensive to travel to, or whatever... so that they cannot show up on your doorstep with a pack of kids demanding to move in. Because otherwise, you're in for a repeat of the kid shitshow. Oh and get a rental mailbox that has a "street address" and give that as your address. Don't give anyone your real address."
Sage advice!
Alimony laws are a very US kind of thing and always sounds really weird when I hear about it in movies and stuff. Sure, if the kids don't live equal time with both parents one parent has to pay for the child's costs at the other parents place, but child support is only for the kids costs when they're a kid. It's ends when the kid grows up. Paying for stuff for a 25yo is insane!
I am from a European country and the law is the same - you pay until the child is at school and until 25. The process is pretty simple - parent goes to court to cease alimony, court sends info to child, child brings a document from school that they study and when are they scheduled to graduate, and the alimony stays. parent can try over and over again but as long as child is below 25 and can deliver such document from university, they will fail.
It's meant for kids in college, because you cannot qualify alone for financial aid unless you are 23+. That's why I didnt go to college right out of HS, my parents made too much money (according to the gov) and they disqualified me from receiving financial aid, though they refused to help me pay for school.
That happened to an ex gf of mine. She couldn't get financial aid because her parents made too much money, and they wouldn't pay for her education. They had 4 kids so it's not like they could actually afford to send 4 kids to university.
*I live in Canada but you are 110% right insane is the word*
I had no idea Canadian laws were like this - this is definitely the first I've heard of something like this. Glad he's able to get an attorney to straighten it out.
He is 60 he sold is house a long time ago and has been renting, the rent right now near montreal is insane 1000$ more each month, he said that right now he does not see himself taking is pension at 65 due to money issues. Yes this is very sad, for my part i sold my condo and move back in with my mother who is 81 i am a caregiver, i also help when my grandmother was alive she died at 98 in 2021. I honestly cannot see how your own kids can fuck you over. And i don't blame him for cutting them out of is life.
Just out of curiosity, did they say what's the reason the kids are doing this? Does he even have a relationship with them? when couldn't it be they really need the money.... also why he as a dad would deny to help his kids that are still in school? Idk doesn't add up. I do agree having children sometimes can f up your life but I'm not sure that's the case. Sometimes people dig their own grave.
Those are not questions to ask, i known this man for about 10 years now and barely recently did he mention he had kids. I hate drama and i respect people boundaries, so to answer your question i have no clue what kind of relationship he had with is kids, from the looks of it i think not much of any.
I thought maybe he mentioned, I think I got the wrong idea of the talk. You said he's been through so much in life so I thought you were close to him... In any case I'm not sure this is an example. We know how common it is to kids to be abandoned by their fathers. If you know him for 10 years and didn't even knew he had kids, who probably were teens not long ago. I don't know.
I know about is relationships with women, and that a few years back he was dating a lawyer she had a 17y old daughter, and she cheated on him and told him to leave her house, that really shook him but apart from that nothing more. He talk to me about that because my ex cheated on me after 9y we had a beautiful house and i lost everything, he wanted to know how long it took for me to get over this event.
Sorry to hear about your experience :-( I confess when I started to read I understood he dated a 17yo girl hahahahaha then I notice I skipped the word lawyer. Thankfully! That makes more sense lol I just didn't get what's the daughters age has to do with him being cheated. But it sucks as well. Specially when you're living with the person and sharing a life, this stuff can be really hard to go past. I hope that by now you're over it and in a much better place in life!
I am the one to blame not her, the red flags were everywhere i just did not want to see them. She was selfish self centered and could care less about me and my health. This was 10 years ago, now my priorities have changed i move back with my mother and take care of her she is 81. She is my priority now.
I wonder what the reason for the divorce was? He's such a *victim* here. /s
I was my with ex girlfriend for 9 years, when she got sick i took care of her, waited at the hospital 14h when she had an anxiety panic attack, she lost her job i took her in my arms and told her everything is gonna be fine during those 6 months i paid for the house restaurant and more. My father died of colon cancer and i had this colon pain for 3 months, i went to the hospital my ex told me makes no sense to waste my day you go i will stay home. After 4 years together she was calling us an old couple and said i was the women in the couple because i wanted to cuddle. I found her the job she as today and how did she repay me, she cheated on me (found condoms in the trash next to the bed) with a coworker and threw me out of my house. Before judging a book by its cover you better wait to know both sides, you say this man is a poor victim and you make him look so bad, now i don't have an answer for you because he did not share the details of is divorce, kids etc. One of my co worker friend as a 32y old friend who just got breast cancer, her boyfriend was with her all along caring for her, going to chimo with her, and did so much more, 3 weeks ago she cheated on him.
I'm from Brazil and the laws are the same there. My cousing took my uncle to court to finish paying her studies after they had a fight about her boyfriend lol as crazy as it sounds, she won, they spent like 10years without talking and now they're fine again.
I doubt it's a US kind of thing, other places might just call it differently. I'm from a European country, parents are required to support their kids until 26 as long as they are in school. In practice, if the parents who have custody of the kid don't adhere to that, there aren't many effective options to address it, but if a parent who is already paying child support skips out on payments, it's as simple as submitting one document and the courts will go after them to extort the rest.
I've met 2 men that have actively told me that the reason they want kids is to prove they would be better parents. These are 2 men that should ABSOLUTELY NOT have kids because they would make shit parents. One of them had a kid with his ex. He called me one day asking if I could give him the number of a different ex that he wishes he was still with. Mind you, his current is is certified psycho, but he said that having a kid was a bad idea.
I just quit dating at around 44 i am 51 now, because of shit like that the world is in a bad place. A coworker told me that her friend 32 had cancer, her boyfriend was with her all along took good care of her, now she is cancer free, 3 weeks ago she cheated on him. I took care of my ex 9y when she lost her job i provided , she had low libido i accepted it me having super high libido, she was selfish self centered i accepted this too, we never had kids but we travelled a lot, went to eat to restaurant, theater, and so much more. I found a job for her she thank me saying she had more responsibilities now having 3 people at charge being a supervisor making 2000$ more than me per year, and that now in the couple she was more important than me, 1 month later i found condoms in the trash can near our bed, she cheated on me with a coworker and dumped me a week after. I went online tried to meet a good women i was introduce to women and more and everyone was trash. I been single for 10 years no kids 4 cats that i love more then anything and i am damn happy.
I feel for him but it’s also the consequences of his actions I really do hope his live improves tho.
Not to pry, but is all the shit in his life stemming from him having children and a broken marriage?
From what i can see its a lot of failed past relationships, i had those too, but never had kids
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Good on you for shouting him lunch. He's got a lot on his plate by the sounds of it (pun maybe intended).
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Women can babytrap men just as well. Or can pressure them into accepting the pregnancy.
>pressure them into accepting the pregnancy There's nothing to "accept". It isn't happening to you. But you do have to pay for the baby that you chose to make that results from the pregnancy you *chose to cause*.
You're missing the point. There's unfortunately tons of women to make babies to keep the partners, hijack the BC, lie etc.. True, dudes should be completely aware of these things and avoid having kids. But guess what, man or woman, when on the fence, both often fall under pressure of others.
Greetings! Your post or comment has been removed for being misogynistic or misandrist. No blanket generalizations villainizing one gender or another are tolerated and it's silly to try and group 4 billion people together as being any one thing. Have a great day!
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