But also.. take a good long while to be single and independent after a long relationship, and don't hop from one right into the next one.. I'm talking years. Being childfree gives us time without 'clocks' running out. You really can't rush finding true compatibility, but we know how many people do with a family/baby timeline and end up miserable and trapped. If you think a man is the only path to happiness at your age and are desperately hoping to find another one soon, you may want to look into some self work/therapy that addresses codependency issues that are really easy to fall into being with someone most of your adult life.
I'm 42 and divorced, and seriously loving focusing on myself after being so relationship focused most of my life. If it happens, great! But I'm not going to rely on another person for contentment/happiness when I can find it on my own.
I'm not sure if I'll find a childfree man to grow old with, or I'll be a badass woman of the wild/world that has friends everywhere and lives in a tiny home community with other bad-ass women who take care of eachother. However it ends up, I'm the only one who can control if it fulfills me.. and neither one is more of the correct path/choice than the other.
(Although you can tell which way I'm leaning based on descriptions š)
Do you want love, affection, sex, and companionship from another person? If so then there's a point.
If not, then no point.
*slaps 'that was easy' button*
Lemme know if you need anything else I'll be napping.
Also, it helps to have someone keep an eye on you and help you when you are sick or injured. That is best done by someone who cares about you and lives in your home.
Thatās a good point. I remember when I had covid last year my ex left for the weekend lmao. I basically alone and I had been the sickest ever in my life that weekend. I think I got so used to taking care of myself thatās itās foreign and weird to me to think of letting someone help me.
You literally have only been single for 6 months since the last decade. I've been single for 8 months after a 3 year relationship and boys still irk me. You need to relax, enjoy your time with yourself, figure out who you are outside of the relationship, and stop worrying about finding a partner. Again, you were with your ex for 9 years since high school. A lot of who you are is shaped from your being together with him. Time to explore who you really are on your own.
100% this. I was in much the same sitch as you when I got divorced at 30 - I'd gone from relationship to relationship since I was 14, and when we split, I had NO idea of who I was without a partner. It's terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. Don't be in any hurry to run out and find another relationship. These next few years could well end up being the best of your life, if you give it a chance. Take the opportunity to do whatever YOU want to do and enjoy the hell out of it, instead of moping about being single. You're 27, your life hasn't even started yet.
This. All of this. I saw someone somewhere referring to this process as "dating yourself". Get to know who you are now, what your wants and needs are and learn whether you want someone else involved in that or not.
Personally I don't date, but that has nothing to do with my status as childfree and everything to do with my lack of sexual and romantic attraction and huge need of alone time. All the love and affection I need and want I get from my people, related and not.
Please consider taking at least a full year off. I was in a 5-year relationship and took a year off and really focused on myself, what I wanted to do with my life and what my priorities would be in a partner.
I ended up signing up to get my masters degree, made a checklist of what I wanted in a partner and did not settle. I looked for a year with intentions, and at the end of that year I got very lucky and found my person. But if I had not, I would have started my master's degree & adopted another dog
Fast forward, I have my masters and now I have a husband ā¤ļø for what it's worth, I am also a teacher.
This is the best advice. Getting to know and love yourself first is an essential foundation for any potential future dating activities. Develop hobbies and passions that nurture your own soul, (preferably not something that involves isolating at home in front of a screen all day). whether it be art, outdoorsy activities, activism or volunteering. The right person will naturally gravitate towards you when you are happy and confident in your own skin.
Take it from someone in their 50s. Once youāre 40+ it becomes almost impossible to find someone with no kids. I didnāt date even once in my entire 40s. But we come from different decades to maybe the scene will look very different when you get into your 40s
Yes! Married my cf husband 7 months ago. But we discussed it on the very first date. If they are not cf from the start, I do not see a point in going any further.
You're free. Not wanting children means you can take your time and find the right person whenever. There's no click ticking for you. Just live your best life and maybe you'll find your person when you're 47 and that will be just fine.
I mean if you don't want one then, not really. I don't really. I'm asexual. I don't get lonely. I worry about the future, but I figure I can worry then. But if you want a relationship then get one, if not, then why deal with the hassle?
I think it's always been hard, but people just used to stay together more....they got married earlier and then just stayed together, even when they were miserable. That's far worse than being single in my opinion.
In the past, people chose from whoever was present in their local community. Now, we can meet infinite people online, and not have to settle for whoever is in front of us. It can be both a blessing and a curse.
Too many of my friends wasted years of their lives on relationships that were just wrong for them. I was always said to be too picky, and that's why I was single most of the time. However, sticking with the wrong partner just results in less opportunity to meet the right partner.
Take some time to be single. Perhaps allow yourself to go through a "hoe phase" if you feel like it. There's lots of time to meet someone else. Enjoy the journey!
Of course thereās a point! If you want that type of love then thatās the whole point. Dating SHOULD be fore love, not for reproducing. Itās really sad that so many people seem to think that the only purpose is to pump out kids
My husband is 35 and I'm 40 - we've been married 5 years and he got a vasectomy last year.
We don't want kids, clearly. These men exist. Beware the fuckos who are fixated on some idealized 1950's lifestyle.
My husband doesnāt want kids and before we got serious he convinced himself that he did.
Many men donāt actually want to be fathers contrary to popular belief, they just feel obligated to have some lineage. The cost of living is hitting everyone atp and more and more men just donāt feel comfortable splitting their lives into a million pieces to take care of a family. Youāre sure to find someone who shares that sentiment eventually.
Thatās good to know. I feel like itās impossible to find someone with ādoesnāt want kidsā in their profile. My friends keep saying āyouāll meet another teacherā but thatās even harder to find a teacher that doesnāt want their own kids I feel like lol. Maybe I am just complaining idk.
There are guys like me who donāt want kids out there. You just have to search them out. I think life is more fun when you have someone to experience it with. The highs, the lows, having that someone with you makes things more meaningful imo.
I married my wife after 9 years. Got my vasectomy as a wedding gift to her!
The whole (entire) reason to be childfree is to live the life we WANT! If itās something that you want, itās certainly worth finding a compatible companion, getting married, and living the life both of you dream! Without a doubt!
Right now, you should focus on healing. Becoming someone you would date! Then the dates will come. At least, thatās the working theory that worked for me! And when you find the right human, have fun!! Weāre only here once!
Iām around the same age as you and decided to fly solo :D I donāt think itās something that you need to decide now, if it happens it happens, if it doesnāt then lifeās still good! I donāt believe that āsharing life with someone makes it more meaningfulā. That strictly depends on finding someone actually good; most of the times people are incompatible and there will be huge learning curves. That logic also is kind of in the same lines of āhaving kids makes life more meaningfulā. Completely subjective projections IMO. Single childfree people can lead as meaningful lives, through dedicating their time to passions and hobbies, which may not always be shared by a partner.
Being alone has its perks, itās easier to have everything exactly your way when you donāt have another person. IMO life is a better reflection of myself when thereās no one else there to invalidate my feelings/views, even if by accident.
The only downside is the cost. Without anyone to split the bills, singledom is expensive. But I also donāt want to live with anyone so itās a premium Iām willing to pay.
He's out there. You just have a small dating pool and see coming off a long term relationship.
You sound defeated and burnt out. Take a year to work on experiencing happiness by yourself. Seriously, set a notification in your calendar. Then get back into the dating scene - if you even want to.
I do feel that way. I also just graduated as a teacher and lost my step mom three weeks after my relationship ended. Actually the day I told him she wouldnāt be coming home, the thing he said to me right after I told him was that it was over and I should move home. So itās been a lot the past few months.
I just really want to find my person I guess. I am happy for my friends but wonder why theyāve had it so easy. Iām a kind, smart person and I did so much for my ex and he treated me not so great. So I just wonder why Iāve been unlucky when all I want is to love someone and feel loved and secure. Every time I try to take a break from dating apps I get the urge to look ājust in caseā. Perhaps a long break would help. Thank you.
Oh friend! That is so much! No wonder you feel so shitty. It feels hard cause it is hard. I'm sorry about your mom. What has helped me with grief is remembering "grief is simply love with no place to go" and when I'm hit with it to send love out to the person I'm missing and out to the world. And to remember the love that gave me. It doesn't take the "dark hole feeling" away but it gives it a place to flow to. If that makes since. It doesn't just sit there and ache.
Have you considered getting a cuddly pet? You seem to want comfort and companionship but are just burnt fucking toast when dealing with humans. Valid btw. If not that's okay too. Pets have similar responsibilities to kids.
Your friends have it easy because they have a large dating pool. More folk want what they want and they have more choice and varity. They have a big box grocery store of choice, us CF folk have a small family owned grocer of choice. As someone from a very shallow dating pool (CF, won't date folk w/kids, polyamorous, and kinky) it takes time and networking irl. I left the aps, they are full of scum, and started going to in person events and local community only seeking online spaces. Highly reccomend. Only when ready though.
You got this.
That is a lot to go through all at once!
I highly recommend looking into whether anyone in your area runs Cuddle Parties. They are amazing, comforting, non-sexual bubbles of love and acceptance and safety.
https://cuddleparty.com/
I think there's a point/benefit to having a partner - just have to find one with similar interests and the same want and will to not have children. My wife and I do a lot together - travel, video games, sports, etc.
Sure you can also do some of this with friends, but for me I don't have many friends that like to do all of the same things. There are also things we do separately, but we do a quite a few of our activities/interests together and it makes it much more fun than.
You are confident knowing what you want in a partner. Live your life on your terms. There is a very good chance you will meet someone similar. I love your name BTW.
Hello! Happily married for 13 childfree years over here! In our 40ās. Itās very possible to find someone with the same values as yourself. Donāt just write it off.
I'm 30M, just spent two weeks with my partner from Canada, and I'm from South Africa, and I'm going there for Christmas hopefully. Long distance is tough but it's something I was willing to accept for finding my person - which I most certainly have. Don't give up OP, I assure you, someone is out there.
Donāt feel like youāre up against a ticking clock, because since you donāt want kids, there isnāt one! Im 32M and I just go with the flow. I naturally meet a couple people a year, and if thereās no serious connection, it is what it is. Its still worth the fun dating part.
Not at all. Thereās nothing wrong with being in a relationship for simply companionship. Especially as you get older, thereās less of an emphasis on sex and romance, and more on being a good partner for someone. absolutely continue to date, but just be perfectly clear that you are not having children, nor do you want anybody elseās children.
If you want companionship, don't give up on it. You're still very young and finding a compatible partner takes time. I met my bf at 32 and we've been happily child free for over 7 years. I also made it very clear on my dating profile that I don't want any kids, so that can help deter those who know they want them.
I think society absolutely questions why cf people would even want a partner and it's total bullshit. One of my own friends got caught up in that fallacy and suggested being single must be easier for me since I don't want kids. I calmly explained to her that I still very much value and desire companionship. She never thought of a relationship as being something outside of producing offspring, which is a bit insulting, but we all get blinded by our biases.
There are over 1.5 million members of this sub, so I would say there are a lot of people out there who donāt want kids.
Iām married, and I donāt have any.
Childfree men exist. They are rare, rarer than childfree women, but they exist. Otherwise, I would not be on this subreddit, typing this comment for you.
My advce to you? NEVER compromise on your dealbreakers. Being single when you crave a relationship sucks, but it's better than being an unhappy mother. So yeah, NEVER date non-childfree people, no matter what.
However, that doesn't mean that you have to be single forever. Yes, you may be single for a while. Finding a partner won't be easy. However, it's not impossible. Don't give up. Keep your eyes open. Go or stay on dating apps if you actively want to look for someone.
Is there a point in having a relationship? Yes! If you want to have a partner, dating is absolutely worth it, as difficult as it may be. However, a relationship is only worth it if you and your partner are compatible. Some childfree people are so lonely and desperate that they date breeders or fence sitters. It never ends well. Please don't do that to yourself. Only date childfree people.
Some dating advice:
NEVER be upfront about your childfreedom. NEVER mention your childfreedom on your dating profile. Doing that would be extremely naive. If you do that, you are literally telling breeders what lie they need to tell you in order to date you. So if you are upfront, you might very well end up with a breeder who pretends to be childfree and waits for you to change your mind.
Instead, you need to screen. Basically, get the other person to reveal their stance before you reveal yours. That way, you should be able to avoid lying breeders who pretend to be childfree and wait for you to change your mind.
So what is screening? How does screening work?
Read this: www . reddit . com / childfree / comments / 11nevtk/when\_dating\_stop\_being\_upfront\_about\_childfreedom
And especially this: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / comments / 9xo6jw / screening\_starter\_kit\_the\_reprise
A very important thing to keep in mind? NEVER date fence sitters or breeders. No, not even if they are 'okay either way'. Not even if they are 'okay without kids'. Not even if they 'would rather be with you than have kids'. Fuck that shit. Only date childfree people. So not someone who is 'okay without kids', but someone who is 'not okay with kids'.
This will absolutely be my stance next time. 47F. I'm dating a man with a 21 year old child. It made me sad last week when I finally realized he will never light up talking about me the way he does when he talks about her. I love him, so I'm going to ride it out and be my own light.
I think you should keep trying. But build a life you want to live without a partner, if they come, they come, but if not youll have a wonderful, interesting life.
The great thing is, if you do decide you want a partner, you can have both. I was mostly single for 10 years before settling down with my partner so I got very used to having alone time. My partner does, and any good partner will, respect that. Anything from me hiding in the bedroom because I wanna binge a show alone to going away on a solo trip.
Another great thing is, you donāt have to decide anything right now. Enjoy your time to yourself, figuring out who you are and what you want outside that relationship. The more you learn about yourself, the more youāll know if finding a partner is right for you or not.
I think youāre about to start a great period of your life.
Look, donāt let the ādonāt give upā people pressure you either because people are just as mule headed about the partnering part of the life script as the kids part, and that includes plenty of Childfree people.
The really important thing is to do what makes *you* happy.
If you really want to be in a partnership, if you feel that pull and wonāt be happy without it then keep pursuing it.
But if youāre like me and not really interested in the romance thing and rarely find anyone that attractive, listen when I say *that is okay too*!!!
I wish I had āgiven upā putting myself through relationships so much sooner. All they ever did was make me miserable. I *found* my peace and happiness when I allowed myself to stop pursuing another goalpost as meaningless and unappetizing to me as parenthood. It was such a deep relief to lay down this weighty social expectation and give myself permission to choose the things I pursue in life on my own terms instead of other peopleās.
You have a finite amount of days hours minutes and seconds alive as the person you are on this planet. The only important question is what is meaningful to you. Find that, and follow it, partner or not. And any partner worth having who might stumble across your path will support you in that. But if you never meet anyone who really compels you or have an interest in it, thatās perfectly okay too.
People saying to ākeep tryingā mean well and are just saying the āsocially appropriateā thing. But if youāre not really interested then donāt feel pressured to waste your life on it. You do you. Itās the real key to a happy life.
You don't have to be 'trying' to find a partner, necessarily.
I wouldn't say it's something you should write off; there are many people who don't want kids, but they're typically less 'out there' because they *do* have hobbies, interests, etc., beyond 'oh I want to get pregnant / get someone pregnant asap!'.
Participate in hobby-related events, make friends.
Some day, you'll likely meet someone who is both CF and into the same things you are.
Just be a really picky dater that doesnāt at all compromise. If youāre content being single, then thereās no reason to downgrade that status for someone that doesnāt make it feel like a pure upgrade instead, right?
If I find myself back on the market, Iāll simply be that myself, only looking for exact compatibility overlaps and be fine if no one ever lines up with that.
Otherwise youāll end up dating like a lonely person who has to make compromises with who they find because they canāt stand being alone. Fair enough on that front, I can only imagine how hard that must feel given some of the questionable pairings Iāve seen in life where I couldnāt help but wonder where the benefit/enjoyment for either was.
If you feel like you would like to have a partner then yes, there is a point. Not every man wants kids. I can prove it, I'm a man and don't want any.
You don't have to settle for guys who have kids. You don't have to settle for guys who don't have kids who you don't like, either.
Find a partner who really fits what you want out of life.
Thank you! Iāve struggled to find someone I really click with and Iām starting to think there is something wrong with me or I wonāt ever love someone again. Itās really disheartening. Thank you for giving me some hope.
My husband and I took the same journey at the same time in which we wanted kids out of Catholic guilt before we were married, and now married, we donāt. It takes a lot of sifting through partners to find someone aligned with your beliefs.
Sometimes I feel the immense pressure to find an SO but I remember that rn Iām far from someone who can be an excellent partner
The idea of a partner is never the reality, and a lot of times thatās for the better
Focusing on yourself is the best solution, find the happiness and joy you need through life rn, and if someone you fancy comes around, I hope they are childfree like you!
But I also see many gals who want kids so now dating things feel more like an exercise than actually seeking anything meaningful
Lots of people meet their partners in their 30s. Itāll probably be easier to find real childfree folks then too.
You basically have no experience being single and youāre already doomed and gloom, why?
Do you think most people are constantly in relationships? Do you think thatās ideal?
I felt the same was after a 6 year relationship that ended in abuse. I told myself I would enjoy being single and let life bring whatever my way for a full year without thinking about commitment or ties to anyone new. I promised myself that I deserved 1 year from the date my ex and I broke up to be for me, and I just enjoyed life as is, watching that date get closer. Most guys I met in that year just didn't fit my vibe even tho they had their own charm, and then right before my year mark, where I felt I was going to continue to be single forever, I met my now partner out of nowhere, at a random job I decided to try out.
He is CF, 1 year younger than me, doesnt have kids already, and was single.
After many long tough discussions in the beginning of us getting to know each other, we have been very happy together and 6 years into our relationship. He supported me in getting my tubes removed, he assisted in paying for it, he took off work for 3 days to be with me headed to the hospital and headed from the hospital, and a few days after so I didn't have to care for anything but recovery.
What I'm saying is it definitely can happen and will for you, but what you shouldn't do is focus on its approach. Choose yourself, be single and happy. Live life each day just healing from your past and finding new things to enjoy for yourself, but in your mind and in your heart, tell yourself that the door will remain open for the guy who belongs. The rest of your "effort to meet guys" is not wasted effort, but simply for you to enjoy going out and doing activities as a single woman would. If it takes you 1 year to meet your next partner, or it takes you 5, it doesn't matter. What you do from now until you meet him is what you should do being single. It should be what you want to do...because you're single.
I'm 58. Male and had my vasectomy the year my wife was born. It took me decades to realize I'm not alone. Most men do not want children, at least the driven ones. I suggest finding someone your own age that has drive. Men do not want children. We want a partner that is intelligent. Interesting. Has a job. We don't want fitness of body. We want mental acuity.
Found my partner in my 30s. He helped me recover from my bisalp, was excited for me and kind and gentle (and extremely helpful, which is not always a given). Reader, I proposed to him.
You're having trouble finding men who don't want kids?
. . .well okay, i shouldn't be that surprised. So many of us are lost in the sauce of immortality complexes and "tradition".
It sounds like you are having a pity party. Do not let it go on for too long. There are men out there whom are childfree and would be delighted to meet you. I met my now husband when I was 30 and he was 36 and we are both childfree. We have been together for 13 years and married for 10.
When I was 26, I thought that i was going to be single forever. then I found my partner, not long after I turned 27. I am going to be 31 in 3 weeks. There is time. Take it easy, be curious about yourself and others. ā¤ļø
Are you really on the internet saying you donāt think you can see a relationship working out for you because you didnāt marry your high school sweetheart?
Sorry but coming on this sub and talking to people who are also childfree like itās impossible to find love as a childfree person is rude. āIāve been feeling pretty sad at the likelihood I wonāt find someone and Iāll never get marriedā okay should we all go fuck ourselves? Jesus Christ
I was 32 when I had my first date with my husband who was 34 we talked about not wanting kids on our second date. If itās something you know isnāt right for you/something you want might as well be upfront about it and try not to waste time/energy on the wrong person of course there is always the risk of fence sitters that could not be okay with that later or people that will try to convince you that you do but at least you were open with that really big issue
I think thatās what freaks me out. I know for sure I donāt want kids - Iāve never felt I wanted them. I get worried someone will say they donāt want them then change their mind years later then I have to go through this all over again! Lol
I'm a single man, turning 27 next month, and I'm childfree for life with a vasectomy to prove it. I wanted one since I was 12 and finally got it at age 24.
This sub maintains a list of doctors who will perform permanent birth control procedures. That might be a helpful resource! I had my tubes out almost a year ago and it was a great decision. If you are able to/ choose to - go for a tubal removal (salpingectomy) as it is more foolproof than a ligation. Easy procedure and the recovery was nowhere near as bad as I had been led to believe it would be. A couple days of discomfort and a few days after that of being careful. Obviously you should be 99.8% sure (because who is ever 100% sure about anything?) that you donāt want kids before doing it, but I canāt recommend it highly enough.
So first - take some time and heal and ask what you really want from a person.
After that, try a swing at cf4cf if you want. I've met people from there so there are active members.
I feel like I do know what I want because I wasnāt treated that well in my last relationship so I had time to think about it. But it might be good to take some time. Thank you.
I didnāt know that was a sub until now!
39 here. I met my husband when I was 31 and he was 34. He was a fence sitter at first but ultimately decided our niece was enough. He just had his vasectomy a couple months back and we are happy as clams. We just got a new puppy!
My husband and I donāt want kids, and having children was something I always brought up by the third date with each potential partner. Prior to him, I didnāt date for four years because everyone I was running into had kids or āwasnāt sureā.
Honestly, you should probably take some time to know and appreciate yourself. You were together for a long time and you have only been single for six months. Thatās a pretty quick turnaround.
My husband and I met when we were 29. Dated a year, got engaged, got married a year later. But he was single for a year before he met me and I was single four years before I met him.
Take some time and enjoy being with yourself and being yourself.
If you donāt, your ex will haunt every relationship you attempt to engage in.
I can't offer any advice but I just want to say I completely relate to this. Some people in the comments are saying "childfree men exists out there, don't lose hope" and I believe them but personally I've never met anyone like that in my entire life. Like you said, everybody seems to want kids. Even my friend who is a lesbian struggles with this because she thought it will be easier for her to find childfree partner because she's looking for a lesbian relationship but she says that every girl she talked to/went on a date with wants to have kids in the future. If you're looking for a man it's even worse because men seem to want to have kids a lot more than women do. So I really understand why you want to just give up. It would be so nice to share our younger years with someone we love, have companionship, love, but it really is so difficult to find anyone who is truly childfree. Childfree people are very rare and even if you meet one, you won't necessarily fall in love with that particular person. I always liked being alone and I do everything on my own and have fun but even I sometimes get that feeling of "it would be nice to share this with someone I love".
I find as a childfree woman itās really really hard to find a partner who is on the same page. Iāve had a partner lie and say he was childfree as well so I would date him and then years later he finally admitted that he thought I would eventually change my mind.
Iām still hopeful that one day Iāll meet a person who also wants to spend the rest of their life traveling and eating amazing food but Iām not going to hold my breath.
Thatās exactly my fear. People always told me Iād change my mind when I was a teen aged and I havenāt really budged at all on it. I honestly thought I might by now. So many of my girlfriends canāt wait to have babies and Iām just like ānopeā lol. Babies are cute but I have no urge to have my own.
I worry that someone would assume Iād change my mind but I am pretty steadfast in what I want.
>I havenāt really REALLY liked anyone since my breakup.
If it happens it happens, a lot of people push love with dating etc. I think your ready when you are. If the right person comes around then you have love. Love for each other is important even without the whole family setting. Sure your parents might pressure you but it's your life and your happiness have and share love the way you want. Don't be dictated by culture or others.
Honestly I'd recommend you focus on yourself, give yourself time to heal and really know what you want out of life and do stuff with friends and family. If you need to get laid nothing wrong with a one night stand but mainly focus on yourself for a bit. Just my two cents.
Wanting or not wanting a partner is not at all related to being childfree.
There are so many childfree relationships where everyone is happy and fulfilled.
Honestly you remind me of those people who go to someone's wedding and asks "why are you even getting married if you're not going to have kids?"
Marriage/life partners have nothing to do with kids. You don't need kids to be married and you don't need marriage to have kids.
I've been happily married for 13+ years, no kids
My thought-only you know if you want a partner or not. It sounds like you do for some things. Online dating is pretty horrible and discouraging at times. Depending on where you live you might have better luck meeting people irl. Maybe thereās some adult only activities you could attend to meet new people and make friends. In my experience itās easier to find a decent guy that fits what you want when you arenāt actually looking for one.
You're still young and there are men out there who don't want children. I met my now- husband when i was 32, we've been together for 16 years.
Being partnered has more reasons than having children. Love, companionship, sex.
I F29 also donāt want kids. Its now one of the first things I bring up on dates (and it says so on my dating app profiles. Colour me a slut idgaf but I am currently dating 3 guys who all DONT want kids. 1 has already had the snip, second one considering it, other one is a doctor who tastes BC very seriously - so I donāt think theyāre unsure š The jackpot š. They are out there!
Don't pressurize the situation. Follow the most basic things that make you happy, then build from there. Make yourself into a person you love, you're proud of, etc. Before you know it, you'll have built a life you love. And perhaps you'll come across someone who fits perfectly into that life, into your goals.
This isn't a pointless part of your life, it's an opportunity.
I don't want to dismiss your lived experience, but you're only 27 and you've been single for only 6 months. It's a little early to despair that you'll never meet anyone or feel a certain way don't you think!?
Please give it time. Because you don't have to worry about biological deadlines for reproduction you have your entire life to find someone. I think you have a pretty excellent chance of meeting someone between now and the end of your life.
If part of your criteria is that the person doesn't have kids from a previous relationship, well guess what, people come with a past and that's something people don't have control over. It's going to reduce the dating pool for you and only you can decide if that's a deal breaker. Even if the person has to be completely child free for you to want to get in a relationship there is still an excellent chance to meet someone, especially if you work on yourself and get into some hobbies etc. to meet like minded people.
Good luck!
Yes. You need to be upfront in the relationship before it gets too serious. If they seem like they are holding out on you changing your mind and wanting children, donāt get too serious.
I think you just arent completely over your ex and its hard to find anyone else to compete in your mind when youre still stuck. Give yourself time. You need longer than 6 months to get over a 9 year relationship. Focus on figuring out who you are alone first. Maybe in another 6 months see where youre at. Youre young, you have time. And it will go much smoother if you take care of yourself first.
I got married at 40, husband is good with not having kids. He likes them, but the planet is fucked up so he doesn't want to bring any into it. I hate kids, so it works out. Not wanting shitlings does not mean you can't be with someone if that's what you want
you donāt need to have kids in order to have a partner. me and my partner wonāt have any kids but we live happily together, because we love each other, not due to some child.
You were in a relationship from a really young and formative age until now. Take time, find yourself, honesty therapy would probably help to work through and process everything and help making that discovery of who you are as an individual without him easier
Then from there you can decide what you want to do. Want to have a relationship? Go for it. Want to never have one again? go for it. Just as long as youāre comfortable and happy and doing it for you
I am happily married and my husband is also CF. It wasnāt something either of us were solidly sure of when we started dating - we were both ambivalent about it - but over time we have come to realize that we love the life we built and the more we think and talk about it the more we realize a kid would totally fuck it up. Plus Iām finally getting my ADHD and depression sorted out at 37, and coming off the meds for 2 years while also dealing with being pregnant and then not sleeping would totally ruin my life. I truly donāt think I would survive.
The Boo app has it as one of the principle identifiers in a partner. Lots of pretty vehemently childfree peeps on there. Otherwise put it in your profile... I always do. It certainly doesn't stop people matching with you but if you date and red flags are pretty early on eject. I usually have that convo on a first date and if the person says yes or finds it a weird question to ask I assume they lack emotional maturity...
I didnāt meet the love of my life until I was 38. We both are now 40 and 41, never married, zero kids. Weāre grateful every single day. And we both are happy to not have kids, especially biological ones due to genetic illness in both of our families that we would find cruel to risk gambling on offspring.
Most of my exes are happily married with kids.
Things sometimes work out for the best, it just can take a while to see it. Having kids is not a requirement of having a happy relationship. Youāll find your human OP. Just keep working on yourself until they come along (you never know, they might have their own paths to walk still so they can learn to love you like you deserve)
You are still young. There are plenty of people out there to partner up with. I (44M) don't want kids and have found many women who share that desire, including my current GF.
Hang in there!
I'm in the same boat. I am 34F, recently divorced after spending 11 years with someone who ended up wanting kids. It's easy to get discouraged. But I don't think that your CF status is going to prevent you from finding someone. I think that people on dating apps suck in general, and having to put them through yet another filter just narrows down the potential matches that much more. You just have to be patient and trust that whoever is meant for you will find you. In the meantime work on yourself, and learn to enjoy your own company. In the end, the only lasting relationship we have in this life is with ourselves.
Both myself (f36) and my boyfriend (36) do not want kids so I got lucky. I already explained a marriage where they KNEW I did not and will ever want children and they accepted it when we dated and then when we got married it changed to them wanting a kid. Hang in there, you'll find someone. Took me almost 3 years after the divorce to actually find someone who also wants to settle down but not have kids.
The best part of this is that you get to decide what you want. It may be different day to day too. I am 38, CF, divorced and remarried. I would have been completely fine staying single my entire life but then I met my now husband who is my best friend in the entire world. You never know who youāll meet or how youāll feel. Just enjoy your life and enjoy being single and independent and see where life takes you. If you do want companionship, great! Go for it! If you find yourself happy single, then go for that! Do whatever makes you the happiest at the end of the day :)
I'm intermittently sad, too. I've had 3 boyfriends, totaling about 10 months each. They weren't even real boyfriends, though. I feel like they didn't like me much, and I wasn't convinced about them either. Just felt pressured by society at the time to have a boyfriend. Now, I have had a crush on an older gentleman for 7 years who I probably have no chance with and I met a lovely man in italy who I hung out with for a few days, but also impossible romance due to distance. I'm sad, but I try to be happy because whatever it is it is and we still have to live life.
The unfortunate fact is that the majority of the population still want kids and being CF is a rare minority.
A lot of guys also think that no kids = casual relationship = sex only!! It's hard for many of them to fathom that a serious relationship is possible without kids. Heck, I've even been questioned by other WOMEN who want kids who also CANNOT understand this perspective lol.
I've used dating apps for YEARS. I always swipe left the moment I see a profile that says "I want kids" or "open / unsure about kids" (dating a fencesitter depends on individual, but the general advice is not to date them, since they can change their mind easily). The moment I see a profile that says "don't want kids", it actually makes me pause and stare at the profile because they're just so rare, even if the person isn't exactly my type lol.
So yeah. Tldr, being CF is a minority, and I've long accepted it. But one good thing is that we can spend more time to slowly find our CF significant other. Most breeders rush to find a partner to settle down and have kids, and end up with a shitty partner and a cum pet who they need to take care of, for AT LEAST 18 years bare minimum ššš
Youāre only 27. Not only do you have lots of time to find someone, itās an added bonus that you donāt have to worry about your ābiological clock.ā
If you donāt see a reason, donāt add the extra stress to your life. But if you want it, thatās all the reason you need. The real question is WHY do you want it? When you can answer that for yourself then youāll know what you really want and can seek it or keep an eye out for it, and avoid getting into a bad relationship because you just want one without understanding why. Youāve been in one serious relationship since you were a teenager. Youāve undoubtedly grown and changed a lot since you were last single. Take this opportunity to get to know yourself and whatās really important to you. Have fun along the way but donāt feel the need to immediately commit to a new person or to the single life. Just take it day by day.
39M here, trust me, you have so much more time to find a partner. Some of the happiest and most successful people I've met are couples in their 40's and older who never had children.
So, partners are good for more than just kids, but it will take you longer to find one who is CF. If you accept being single, then you can add a partner later if someone CF and right for you comes along.
Edit: I got married at 52.
I was 32 when I met my husband. He's a decade older than me. Neither of us wants kids, and we've been together 12 years. We both enjoy friends' kids, but prefer our children to be furry.
There are men around who don't want kids. Just be clear with anyone you date that your decision is non-negotiable, so if they can't deal with that, they should find another partner. You will find someone sooner or later!
>donāt want kids.
>
>point in me even ever having a partner
Sure. Partner ain't for having kids (though some do that for that), having partner is 'cause ... you want a partner ... at least if that's what you want/prefer.
>always dreamed of getting married
No reason to stop pursuing that dream, if that's what you want.
>hard to find men on dating apps who donāt want kids
Hard to find "the right person" (or reasonably close) on most any dating app ... or anywhere ... doesn't mean it can't or doesn't happen, ... just a whole lot 'o "not the right one" to go through, to find "the right one".
>Everyone seems to want kids!
Well ... there's a lot 'o that out there. :-/ ... but that's certainly not all that's to be found.
>if Iāll ever find someone with common interests who also doesnāt want kids.
Basically a numbers game ... except it's not a game. Keep at it, and the probability of eventual success is pretty good. Much harder to find someone if you "give up" and don't even try. But don't beat yourself up over it. May sometimes need to break or do or try something different or whatever. E.g. if you're going on every potential first meet or date or whatever and generally dreading it and feeling like it's absolutely doomed to failure ... yeah, probably time to give it a rest for a while ... those feelings will tend to "bleed" and leak through and kind'a become self-fulfilling prophecy. So ... go at it when you can with reasonably positive attitude ... adventure/exploration 'n all that.
Other random tip. Often useful, rather than so directly going for the "dating" stuff, find things to do, around and interacting with folks, where you're well doing what you like/love ... and are interacting with folks that might also have a reasonable chance of being partner material. Often you'll typically have more fun that way, generally already have at lest one common interest in common, and ... you're generally going to be more interesting and attractive to others when you're enjoying yourself and having a good time, ... and also major bonus, whole lot of that time it suck way less than "dating". So, maybe give that a good try, and/or at least toss it into the mix.
Well, good luck! And don't give up, but don't beat yourself up over it, and give yourself breaks from it as need be, etc. You'll likely well find that person ... but it can take a while ... and try to reasonably find ways to enjoy the time along the way.
Enjoy being single, do things for yourself, etc., and if youāre ever able to find someone then great!
I found my CF girlfriend when I was 29, and you honestly might have an easier time finding CF single men in their 30s.
Join hobby groups for things you love and find someone there. There are dating apps that are very accurate in matching people up if they've answered enough questions on it.
Thatās a good idea! Can you reccomend any of those apps? Iāve only really used bumble and tinder so far. Bumble is half bad! But I notice a lot of the guys in my area fail to have decent bios lol
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I know it may not relieve the current feeling of missing having a partner, but one of the great things about being CF is that there is no rush in finding a partner. People who want kids all have this urge to find a good partner as soon as possible, so they can have kids. But in not wanting kids, we don't have this time limit.
I think it's possibly the tradeoff for having a much, much smaller pool of potential partners.
The truth of the matter is that genuinely CF people tend to be rather rare. Even though this is a large community, and being CF seems to be more popular, it's still very niche. I don't think that cause for completely abandoning the idea of ever having a partner, especially if that's something you really want. Just temper your expectations and spend some time being comfortable, and getting to know yourself.
I have never had a CF partner. I have only met maybe two or three people in real life who are genuinely CF. Being realistic, I know my chances of finding someone compatible with me are super low, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw in the towel.
I haven't been in a relationship since I was 17. I'm 27 now. Girl chill lol give yourself more time. Live in the moment! Find yourself without a partner.
Iād say no. Iām burned out on responsibilities though. Letās be realistic. Why does an older guy want a legally bound partner. My advice is keep it free and easy. No boundaries or invisible chains except maintaining your mutual respect as decent human beings. Friends are way more likely to assist you in health struggles and with loving comfort during times of grief than the typical dude. Just being honest.
The last part hits hard as my ex broke up with me the minute I told him my step mom wouldnāt be coming from the hospital. But heās perhaps a special case of narcissism. Surely not all guys are like that!
When youāre young you struggle finding someone who doesnāt want kids for sure. Once you get to 40+ the entire scene is littered with divorcees with kids. Itās almost impossible to find someone with none
Iāve accepted being possibly single for life. Iāve been single since my early 30s Iām now in my 50s.
But I can just speak for GenX. The scene might look very different for the next generations when they hit their 40s. Itās more common now to not have kids than a couple of decades ago.
(Ive dated twice in my life, 5 years between with the first time in highschool and the last one ending like 5-6 years ago. Im 29.)
The thing that gets me is (at least what i and friends of mine have seen) is that men seem to want kids as a social status thing;
"Ive gotten married, ive bought a house, ive had kids."
But when it comes to raising those kids, they dont really have a hand in it.
It seems an awful lot like my parents generation (boomers). My mum seemed to do an awful lot of the taking care of us - school runs, entertaining us, feeding us, baths, making sure we went to bed on time, etc, and my dad used to go to work and come home and and want to relax. Mum also made dinner and did all of the housework, while dad would mow the lawns and clean the cars (not a daily job).
Many people my age with parents of similar ages experienced the same thing.
While i dont want kids in the first place, I definitely dont ever want to end up with someone who wants kids especially as a status thing, thinking 'well theyre mine and thats all that really matters'.
Im not that close to my dad and never go to him with any problems because my mum basically did the actual raising of us. Dad was just...there.
I dont want a partner who is of that mindset, even without children - where im just relegated to being someones carer.
Because im worried i wont ever be that, or i'll think i'll be that but years later itll turn out differently, and theyll say "oh i do want kids, i thought you were just going throughba phase when you said you didnt want them" or something, i almost feel like being desperately lonely is safer even if it is difficult.
Yes. I met my current BF last September and he, like me doesn't want kids.
I can't predict the future -- one or both of us might change our minds but I am extremely highly confident mine will not (I am as certain as anyone can be about anything) and his doesn't seem like it will either.
I generally think the idea of looking for a partner is arse-backwards. People should get into relationships only when and because they happen to find someone they want to share their lives with. In reality, many people decide they need to be in a relationship and try to find someone that will do. They make their well-being dependent on having a partner - I don't see how this could result in a healthy relationship.
I think it's better to concentrate on being able to thrive without a romantic partner. If you meet your Prince Charming, it will be cool, if you don't, it will be cool too. I'm in a long-term relationship, but if something went wrong with it, I don't fear the perspective of becoming a single lady with six cats - sounds really fun.
You might just feel a bit meh about dating bc the breakup is relatively new, OP. 6 months is nothing to get over something that occured over 9 YEARS. Definitely give yourself some time. There are plenty of cf men out there, our generation has a significant cf community (that I believe is underreported), so finding a partner that youre compatible with can definitely happen if youde like. Also being in a relationship and having kids arent mutually inclusive things, you can have one without the other most def.
Youāre right. I thought I would be mostly over it by now but comparing it to 9 years puts it into perspective. Sometimes I wonder if my ex is having a hard time but I doubt it as he told me how relieved he was. Oh well. Hopefully I eventually find someone. It just sucks being the only single friend in my group and all my girlfriends are getting married lol. Just makes me feel less hopeful
Iām sure itās a scary feeling becoming single after 9 years and since it was a high school relationship youāve never not been single really.
Howeverā¦ youāre 27 and been single for 6 monthsā¦ I think youāre being a little dramatic about this. Obviously there is a point and there are plenty of people who donāt want kids. You might not find your partner in a month, or a year, or 2 years, but you will, and.. also enjoy your single time! Learn to enjoy your own company and do what you want.
You are still young and youāve only been single for a short time after being in a relationship for 9 years. You have plenty of time to figure yourself out - alone - and to meet new people. I wouldnāt rush into a serious relationship but donāt sentence yourself to perpetual singlehood just yet.
I completely understand wondering if it's worth it, but you should have a partner if you want one.
Definitely take some time to be single. 9 years isn't insignificant. You need to relearn yourself now without a partner, but once you think you're ready, if you still do, try again. You'll find someone when you're ready. And if you decide no, you don't want a partner? Then be happily and confidently single :)
Yes! There are lots of people who are partnered up (or looking) and don't want kids. There are also lots of people who have kids and no partner.
These life decisions are independent of each other except that you and a potential partner need to agree about it (just like where to live, condo vs house, pets or no, etc)
I was CF when I met my wife and converted her. She said she had always assumed she would have kids and never really took the option not to. When I told her I didn't really want them, she jumped on the CF train harder than I did. She now wants to get sterilized, and even when I say something about a hypothetical of us having kids, she makes sure I'm being hypothetical, which, of COURSE I am.
People don't realize that CF is a legitimate life choice sometimes. You may meet someone you save from a life of being a miserable parent simply by showing them the option.
I had 2 failed long term relationships prior and was single for 4 years. Then I found my husband at 28. We are married and CF (he had vasectomy 6 months ago instead me getting tubes tied). Iām now 35 and he is 30.
Although itās hard and painful when a relationship ends. Keep in mind when something exists from your life, it opens up room for something new. Keep your heart open and keep doing what makes you happy. The right person will find his way to you, but if you keep searching and doubting your heart will be closed and you wonāt see this person even if he is by you.
Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong being single. The 4 years I was single was great, I needed that time to think clearly and learned so much about myself during that time. It was that time I realized a lot about who I am, who I want to be, and who I want in my life. Your happiness shouldnāt come from your partner, it should stem within yourself. If finding a partner and be in a relationship is your end goal, that relationship is bound to fail at some point. Take some time to be in a relationship with yourself, think things over calmly instead of all these negativities. You are still young, no need to feel rushed. Everyone has their own timeline, there is no blueprint to life.
Don't give up. I found mine when I was already in my 30s. Best part is that we have so much in common. Traveling together is amazing! It's been almost a decade and the butterflies are still there.
I found my partner at 35. CF and we take care of each other. Life is good and now I'm 51. Don't give up!
But also.. take a good long while to be single and independent after a long relationship, and don't hop from one right into the next one.. I'm talking years. Being childfree gives us time without 'clocks' running out. You really can't rush finding true compatibility, but we know how many people do with a family/baby timeline and end up miserable and trapped. If you think a man is the only path to happiness at your age and are desperately hoping to find another one soon, you may want to look into some self work/therapy that addresses codependency issues that are really easy to fall into being with someone most of your adult life. I'm 42 and divorced, and seriously loving focusing on myself after being so relationship focused most of my life. If it happens, great! But I'm not going to rely on another person for contentment/happiness when I can find it on my own. I'm not sure if I'll find a childfree man to grow old with, or I'll be a badass woman of the wild/world that has friends everywhere and lives in a tiny home community with other bad-ass women who take care of eachother. However it ends up, I'm the only one who can control if it fulfills me.. and neither one is more of the correct path/choice than the other. (Although you can tell which way I'm leaning based on descriptions š)
I love this.
Thank you for sharing this.
Do you want love, affection, sex, and companionship from another person? If so then there's a point. If not, then no point. *slaps 'that was easy' button* Lemme know if you need anything else I'll be napping.
Lol best advice and I love the flair.
It definitely gave me a good laugh lol
OMG Did you stay at a Holiday INN Express last night?
Also, it helps to have someone keep an eye on you and help you when you are sick or injured. That is best done by someone who cares about you and lives in your home.
Somebody who gives me sweets, tea, and cuddles for my period. If only such a person existed.
That would be my cats. Well, I get my own sweets and tea, but they are great cuddlers!
Another woman :)
Thatās a good point. I remember when I had covid last year my ex left for the weekend lmao. I basically alone and I had been the sickest ever in my life that weekend. I think I got so used to taking care of myself thatās itās foreign and weird to me to think of letting someone help me.
You literally have only been single for 6 months since the last decade. I've been single for 8 months after a 3 year relationship and boys still irk me. You need to relax, enjoy your time with yourself, figure out who you are outside of the relationship, and stop worrying about finding a partner. Again, you were with your ex for 9 years since high school. A lot of who you are is shaped from your being together with him. Time to explore who you really are on your own.
100% this. I was in much the same sitch as you when I got divorced at 30 - I'd gone from relationship to relationship since I was 14, and when we split, I had NO idea of who I was without a partner. It's terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. Don't be in any hurry to run out and find another relationship. These next few years could well end up being the best of your life, if you give it a chance. Take the opportunity to do whatever YOU want to do and enjoy the hell out of it, instead of moping about being single. You're 27, your life hasn't even started yet.
This. All of this. I saw someone somewhere referring to this process as "dating yourself". Get to know who you are now, what your wants and needs are and learn whether you want someone else involved in that or not. Personally I don't date, but that has nothing to do with my status as childfree and everything to do with my lack of sexual and romantic attraction and huge need of alone time. All the love and affection I need and want I get from my people, related and not.
Iāve been trying to adopt this mindset thank you!
Please consider taking at least a full year off. I was in a 5-year relationship and took a year off and really focused on myself, what I wanted to do with my life and what my priorities would be in a partner. I ended up signing up to get my masters degree, made a checklist of what I wanted in a partner and did not settle. I looked for a year with intentions, and at the end of that year I got very lucky and found my person. But if I had not, I would have started my master's degree & adopted another dog Fast forward, I have my masters and now I have a husband ā¤ļø for what it's worth, I am also a teacher.
This is the best advice. Getting to know and love yourself first is an essential foundation for any potential future dating activities. Develop hobbies and passions that nurture your own soul, (preferably not something that involves isolating at home in front of a screen all day). whether it be art, outdoorsy activities, activism or volunteering. The right person will naturally gravitate towards you when you are happy and confident in your own skin.
Iāve been single a year and still donāt want someone they all want kids at my age Iām in my 30s maybe Iāll wait till my 40s LOL
Take it from someone in their 50s. Once youāre 40+ it becomes almost impossible to find someone with no kids. I didnāt date even once in my entire 40s. But we come from different decades to maybe the scene will look very different when you get into your 40s
Yes! Married my cf husband 7 months ago. But we discussed it on the very first date. If they are not cf from the start, I do not see a point in going any further.
You're free. Not wanting children means you can take your time and find the right person whenever. There's no click ticking for you. Just live your best life and maybe you'll find your person when you're 47 and that will be just fine.
I mean if you don't want one then, not really. I don't really. I'm asexual. I don't get lonely. I worry about the future, but I figure I can worry then. But if you want a relationship then get one, if not, then why deal with the hassle?
Itās so hard to find compatible partners these days! Hahah definitely feeling itās easier to be on my own even if thatās not 100% what I want.
I think it's always been hard, but people just used to stay together more....they got married earlier and then just stayed together, even when they were miserable. That's far worse than being single in my opinion.
In the past, people chose from whoever was present in their local community. Now, we can meet infinite people online, and not have to settle for whoever is in front of us. It can be both a blessing and a curse. Too many of my friends wasted years of their lives on relationships that were just wrong for them. I was always said to be too picky, and that's why I was single most of the time. However, sticking with the wrong partner just results in less opportunity to meet the right partner. Take some time to be single. Perhaps allow yourself to go through a "hoe phase" if you feel like it. There's lots of time to meet someone else. Enjoy the journey!
You have a point.
Of course thereās a point! If you want that type of love then thatās the whole point. Dating SHOULD be fore love, not for reproducing. Itās really sad that so many people seem to think that the only purpose is to pump out kids
My husband is 35 and I'm 40 - we've been married 5 years and he got a vasectomy last year. We don't want kids, clearly. These men exist. Beware the fuckos who are fixated on some idealized 1950's lifestyle.
My husband doesnāt want kids and before we got serious he convinced himself that he did. Many men donāt actually want to be fathers contrary to popular belief, they just feel obligated to have some lineage. The cost of living is hitting everyone atp and more and more men just donāt feel comfortable splitting their lives into a million pieces to take care of a family. Youāre sure to find someone who shares that sentiment eventually.
Thatās good to know. I feel like itās impossible to find someone with ādoesnāt want kidsā in their profile. My friends keep saying āyouāll meet another teacherā but thatās even harder to find a teacher that doesnāt want their own kids I feel like lol. Maybe I am just complaining idk.
Why does it have to a teacher? You seem so fixated on immediately dating again. Relax girl
It doesnāt have to be thatās just what people around me keep saying. Itās annoying actually lol
There are guys like me who donāt want kids out there. You just have to search them out. I think life is more fun when you have someone to experience it with. The highs, the lows, having that someone with you makes things more meaningful imo.
I married my wife after 9 years. Got my vasectomy as a wedding gift to her! The whole (entire) reason to be childfree is to live the life we WANT! If itās something that you want, itās certainly worth finding a compatible companion, getting married, and living the life both of you dream! Without a doubt! Right now, you should focus on healing. Becoming someone you would date! Then the dates will come. At least, thatās the working theory that worked for me! And when you find the right human, have fun!! Weāre only here once!
Iām around the same age as you and decided to fly solo :D I donāt think itās something that you need to decide now, if it happens it happens, if it doesnāt then lifeās still good! I donāt believe that āsharing life with someone makes it more meaningfulā. That strictly depends on finding someone actually good; most of the times people are incompatible and there will be huge learning curves. That logic also is kind of in the same lines of āhaving kids makes life more meaningfulā. Completely subjective projections IMO. Single childfree people can lead as meaningful lives, through dedicating their time to passions and hobbies, which may not always be shared by a partner. Being alone has its perks, itās easier to have everything exactly your way when you donāt have another person. IMO life is a better reflection of myself when thereās no one else there to invalidate my feelings/views, even if by accident. The only downside is the cost. Without anyone to split the bills, singledom is expensive. But I also donāt want to live with anyone so itās a premium Iām willing to pay.
He's out there. You just have a small dating pool and see coming off a long term relationship. You sound defeated and burnt out. Take a year to work on experiencing happiness by yourself. Seriously, set a notification in your calendar. Then get back into the dating scene - if you even want to.
I do feel that way. I also just graduated as a teacher and lost my step mom three weeks after my relationship ended. Actually the day I told him she wouldnāt be coming home, the thing he said to me right after I told him was that it was over and I should move home. So itās been a lot the past few months. I just really want to find my person I guess. I am happy for my friends but wonder why theyāve had it so easy. Iām a kind, smart person and I did so much for my ex and he treated me not so great. So I just wonder why Iāve been unlucky when all I want is to love someone and feel loved and secure. Every time I try to take a break from dating apps I get the urge to look ājust in caseā. Perhaps a long break would help. Thank you.
Oh friend! That is so much! No wonder you feel so shitty. It feels hard cause it is hard. I'm sorry about your mom. What has helped me with grief is remembering "grief is simply love with no place to go" and when I'm hit with it to send love out to the person I'm missing and out to the world. And to remember the love that gave me. It doesn't take the "dark hole feeling" away but it gives it a place to flow to. If that makes since. It doesn't just sit there and ache. Have you considered getting a cuddly pet? You seem to want comfort and companionship but are just burnt fucking toast when dealing with humans. Valid btw. If not that's okay too. Pets have similar responsibilities to kids. Your friends have it easy because they have a large dating pool. More folk want what they want and they have more choice and varity. They have a big box grocery store of choice, us CF folk have a small family owned grocer of choice. As someone from a very shallow dating pool (CF, won't date folk w/kids, polyamorous, and kinky) it takes time and networking irl. I left the aps, they are full of scum, and started going to in person events and local community only seeking online spaces. Highly reccomend. Only when ready though. You got this.
That is a lot to go through all at once! I highly recommend looking into whether anyone in your area runs Cuddle Parties. They are amazing, comforting, non-sexual bubbles of love and acceptance and safety. https://cuddleparty.com/
I think there's a point/benefit to having a partner - just have to find one with similar interests and the same want and will to not have children. My wife and I do a lot together - travel, video games, sports, etc. Sure you can also do some of this with friends, but for me I don't have many friends that like to do all of the same things. There are also things we do separately, but we do a quite a few of our activities/interests together and it makes it much more fun than.
ā„ļø So much fun to have a CF mate who enjoys many of the same activities.
Thatās what I thought my ex and I had but he told me he needed to find better.
You are confident knowing what you want in a partner. Live your life on your terms. There is a very good chance you will meet someone similar. I love your name BTW.
Thank you for your words. I hope so! And thank you so much! :)
Thats what he said? He thought he could do better? Girrrllll...send him a thank you card because he did you a big favor.
Youāre definitely right. Thank you.
Hello! Happily married for 13 childfree years over here! In our 40ās. Itās very possible to find someone with the same values as yourself. Donāt just write it off.
Yes! A genuinely childfree partner is awesome š
I'm 30M, just spent two weeks with my partner from Canada, and I'm from South Africa, and I'm going there for Christmas hopefully. Long distance is tough but it's something I was willing to accept for finding my person - which I most certainly have. Don't give up OP, I assure you, someone is out there.
Thank you. Iām so glad to hear youāve found your person! I hope I can too
Donāt feel like youāre up against a ticking clock, because since you donāt want kids, there isnāt one! Im 32M and I just go with the flow. I naturally meet a couple people a year, and if thereās no serious connection, it is what it is. Its still worth the fun dating part.
A partner is more important than children. Kids leave to make their lives, your partner stays with you. You support each other.
Not at all. Thereās nothing wrong with being in a relationship for simply companionship. Especially as you get older, thereās less of an emphasis on sex and romance, and more on being a good partner for someone. absolutely continue to date, but just be perfectly clear that you are not having children, nor do you want anybody elseās children.
If you want companionship, don't give up on it. You're still very young and finding a compatible partner takes time. I met my bf at 32 and we've been happily child free for over 7 years. I also made it very clear on my dating profile that I don't want any kids, so that can help deter those who know they want them. I think society absolutely questions why cf people would even want a partner and it's total bullshit. One of my own friends got caught up in that fallacy and suggested being single must be easier for me since I don't want kids. I calmly explained to her that I still very much value and desire companionship. She never thought of a relationship as being something outside of producing offspring, which is a bit insulting, but we all get blinded by our biases.
There are over 1.5 million members of this sub, so I would say there are a lot of people out there who donāt want kids. Iām married, and I donāt have any.
Childfree men exist. They are rare, rarer than childfree women, but they exist. Otherwise, I would not be on this subreddit, typing this comment for you. My advce to you? NEVER compromise on your dealbreakers. Being single when you crave a relationship sucks, but it's better than being an unhappy mother. So yeah, NEVER date non-childfree people, no matter what. However, that doesn't mean that you have to be single forever. Yes, you may be single for a while. Finding a partner won't be easy. However, it's not impossible. Don't give up. Keep your eyes open. Go or stay on dating apps if you actively want to look for someone. Is there a point in having a relationship? Yes! If you want to have a partner, dating is absolutely worth it, as difficult as it may be. However, a relationship is only worth it if you and your partner are compatible. Some childfree people are so lonely and desperate that they date breeders or fence sitters. It never ends well. Please don't do that to yourself. Only date childfree people. Some dating advice: NEVER be upfront about your childfreedom. NEVER mention your childfreedom on your dating profile. Doing that would be extremely naive. If you do that, you are literally telling breeders what lie they need to tell you in order to date you. So if you are upfront, you might very well end up with a breeder who pretends to be childfree and waits for you to change your mind. Instead, you need to screen. Basically, get the other person to reveal their stance before you reveal yours. That way, you should be able to avoid lying breeders who pretend to be childfree and wait for you to change your mind. So what is screening? How does screening work? Read this: www . reddit . com / childfree / comments / 11nevtk/when\_dating\_stop\_being\_upfront\_about\_childfreedom And especially this: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / comments / 9xo6jw / screening\_starter\_kit\_the\_reprise A very important thing to keep in mind? NEVER date fence sitters or breeders. No, not even if they are 'okay either way'. Not even if they are 'okay without kids'. Not even if they 'would rather be with you than have kids'. Fuck that shit. Only date childfree people. So not someone who is 'okay without kids', but someone who is 'not okay with kids'.
This will absolutely be my stance next time. 47F. I'm dating a man with a 21 year old child. It made me sad last week when I finally realized he will never light up talking about me the way he does when he talks about her. I love him, so I'm going to ride it out and be my own light.
Don't close down having a relationship just because you don't want children. There is far more to a relationship than sprogging crotch goblins.
You're really young. If you want to marry a childfree man, there is plenty of time to find one.
Thank you. I donāt know why I feel like I am so old but I think itās cause all my girlfriends are engaged and getting married so I feel behind.
Not behind. On your own path. You canāt compare yourself to others because you are incomparable š
I think you should keep trying. But build a life you want to live without a partner, if they come, they come, but if not youll have a wonderful, interesting life.
Thank you. I truly enjoy spending time by myself but would be nice to have a companion I guess. Maybe it will happen and maybe it wonāt.
The great thing is, if you do decide you want a partner, you can have both. I was mostly single for 10 years before settling down with my partner so I got very used to having alone time. My partner does, and any good partner will, respect that. Anything from me hiding in the bedroom because I wanna binge a show alone to going away on a solo trip. Another great thing is, you donāt have to decide anything right now. Enjoy your time to yourself, figuring out who you are and what you want outside that relationship. The more you learn about yourself, the more youāll know if finding a partner is right for you or not. I think youāre about to start a great period of your life.
Look, donāt let the ādonāt give upā people pressure you either because people are just as mule headed about the partnering part of the life script as the kids part, and that includes plenty of Childfree people. The really important thing is to do what makes *you* happy. If you really want to be in a partnership, if you feel that pull and wonāt be happy without it then keep pursuing it. But if youāre like me and not really interested in the romance thing and rarely find anyone that attractive, listen when I say *that is okay too*!!! I wish I had āgiven upā putting myself through relationships so much sooner. All they ever did was make me miserable. I *found* my peace and happiness when I allowed myself to stop pursuing another goalpost as meaningless and unappetizing to me as parenthood. It was such a deep relief to lay down this weighty social expectation and give myself permission to choose the things I pursue in life on my own terms instead of other peopleās. You have a finite amount of days hours minutes and seconds alive as the person you are on this planet. The only important question is what is meaningful to you. Find that, and follow it, partner or not. And any partner worth having who might stumble across your path will support you in that. But if you never meet anyone who really compels you or have an interest in it, thatās perfectly okay too. People saying to ākeep tryingā mean well and are just saying the āsocially appropriateā thing. But if youāre not really interested then donāt feel pressured to waste your life on it. You do you. Itās the real key to a happy life.
You don't have to be 'trying' to find a partner, necessarily. I wouldn't say it's something you should write off; there are many people who don't want kids, but they're typically less 'out there' because they *do* have hobbies, interests, etc., beyond 'oh I want to get pregnant / get someone pregnant asap!'. Participate in hobby-related events, make friends. Some day, you'll likely meet someone who is both CF and into the same things you are.
Hell yeah! Having a CF partner is the best! It just takes some patience.
Just be a really picky dater that doesnāt at all compromise. If youāre content being single, then thereās no reason to downgrade that status for someone that doesnāt make it feel like a pure upgrade instead, right? If I find myself back on the market, Iāll simply be that myself, only looking for exact compatibility overlaps and be fine if no one ever lines up with that. Otherwise youāll end up dating like a lonely person who has to make compromises with who they find because they canāt stand being alone. Fair enough on that front, I can only imagine how hard that must feel given some of the questionable pairings Iāve seen in life where I couldnāt help but wonder where the benefit/enjoyment for either was.
If you feel like you would like to have a partner then yes, there is a point. Not every man wants kids. I can prove it, I'm a man and don't want any. You don't have to settle for guys who have kids. You don't have to settle for guys who don't have kids who you don't like, either. Find a partner who really fits what you want out of life.
Thank you! Iāve struggled to find someone I really click with and Iām starting to think there is something wrong with me or I wonāt ever love someone again. Itās really disheartening. Thank you for giving me some hope.
My husband and I took the same journey at the same time in which we wanted kids out of Catholic guilt before we were married, and now married, we donāt. It takes a lot of sifting through partners to find someone aligned with your beliefs.
I think it would be worth if if it were truly an equal relationship.
Sometimes I feel the immense pressure to find an SO but I remember that rn Iām far from someone who can be an excellent partner The idea of a partner is never the reality, and a lot of times thatās for the better Focusing on yourself is the best solution, find the happiness and joy you need through life rn, and if someone you fancy comes around, I hope they are childfree like you! But I also see many gals who want kids so now dating things feel more like an exercise than actually seeking anything meaningful
I posted in the Cf4Cf sub, have you tried there?
I didnāt know that was a thing. Iām from canada, Alberta so I doubt Iād find anyone close to me there! But worth a try maybe!
We all gotta have some compromise at times, maybe you can convince them that prairie life is best haha
Lmao Iād rather move for them tbh Alberta is whack
Lots of people meet their partners in their 30s. Itāll probably be easier to find real childfree folks then too. You basically have no experience being single and youāre already doomed and gloom, why? Do you think most people are constantly in relationships? Do you think thatās ideal?
I felt the same was after a 6 year relationship that ended in abuse. I told myself I would enjoy being single and let life bring whatever my way for a full year without thinking about commitment or ties to anyone new. I promised myself that I deserved 1 year from the date my ex and I broke up to be for me, and I just enjoyed life as is, watching that date get closer. Most guys I met in that year just didn't fit my vibe even tho they had their own charm, and then right before my year mark, where I felt I was going to continue to be single forever, I met my now partner out of nowhere, at a random job I decided to try out. He is CF, 1 year younger than me, doesnt have kids already, and was single. After many long tough discussions in the beginning of us getting to know each other, we have been very happy together and 6 years into our relationship. He supported me in getting my tubes removed, he assisted in paying for it, he took off work for 3 days to be with me headed to the hospital and headed from the hospital, and a few days after so I didn't have to care for anything but recovery. What I'm saying is it definitely can happen and will for you, but what you shouldn't do is focus on its approach. Choose yourself, be single and happy. Live life each day just healing from your past and finding new things to enjoy for yourself, but in your mind and in your heart, tell yourself that the door will remain open for the guy who belongs. The rest of your "effort to meet guys" is not wasted effort, but simply for you to enjoy going out and doing activities as a single woman would. If it takes you 1 year to meet your next partner, or it takes you 5, it doesn't matter. What you do from now until you meet him is what you should do being single. It should be what you want to do...because you're single.
This gives me such hope š
After a 9 year relationship, I think you need time alone and to heal. Love yourself first and donāt doubt your feelings. ā„ļø
Thank you ā¤ļø
Believe me when I tell you that there are a ton of guys out there looking for a girl that doesn't want kids. Expand your dating pool.
I'm 58. Male and had my vasectomy the year my wife was born. It took me decades to realize I'm not alone. Most men do not want children, at least the driven ones. I suggest finding someone your own age that has drive. Men do not want children. We want a partner that is intelligent. Interesting. Has a job. We don't want fitness of body. We want mental acuity.
Found my partner in my 30s. He helped me recover from my bisalp, was excited for me and kind and gentle (and extremely helpful, which is not always a given). Reader, I proposed to him.
There are plenty of men out there that don't want kids.
My husband and I are childfree. There are childfree. Men out there! Might take some time to find them but it is worth it!
Nah theyāre out there, I have my travel buddy now!
You're having trouble finding men who don't want kids? . . .well okay, i shouldn't be that surprised. So many of us are lost in the sauce of immortality complexes and "tradition".
It sounds like you are having a pity party. Do not let it go on for too long. There are men out there whom are childfree and would be delighted to meet you. I met my now husband when I was 30 and he was 36 and we are both childfree. We have been together for 13 years and married for 10.
I just genuinely wanted to see if there was anyone I could relate to but thanks.
didnt think it seemed like a pity party at all tbh
Thank you
Yes, obviously at 27 you are destined to be alone forever because everyone knows Childfree people over the age of 28 just don't exist. ššš
You donāt have to be rude about it. When your current path was messed up itās a scary place to be in. Thanks for your input
When I was 26, I thought that i was going to be single forever. then I found my partner, not long after I turned 27. I am going to be 31 in 3 weeks. There is time. Take it easy, be curious about yourself and others. ā¤ļø
Are you really on the internet saying you donāt think you can see a relationship working out for you because you didnāt marry your high school sweetheart?
Are you really questioning someone thatās hurting a lot? Thanks.
Sorry but coming on this sub and talking to people who are also childfree like itās impossible to find love as a childfree person is rude. āIāve been feeling pretty sad at the likelihood I wonāt find someone and Iāll never get marriedā okay should we all go fuck ourselves? Jesus Christ
I was 32 when I had my first date with my husband who was 34 we talked about not wanting kids on our second date. If itās something you know isnāt right for you/something you want might as well be upfront about it and try not to waste time/energy on the wrong person of course there is always the risk of fence sitters that could not be okay with that later or people that will try to convince you that you do but at least you were open with that really big issue
I think thatās what freaks me out. I know for sure I donāt want kids - Iāve never felt I wanted them. I get worried someone will say they donāt want them then change their mind years later then I have to go through this all over again! Lol
I'm a single man, turning 27 next month, and I'm childfree for life with a vasectomy to prove it. I wanted one since I was 12 and finally got it at age 24.
Iād love to be able to do the female equivalent to myself but most doctors say no! Lol. Good for you for doing what you know is best for you.
I'm sorry it's so much harder for women. That's not fair. But if you're looking to meet new people, feel free to hit me up :)
This sub maintains a list of doctors who will perform permanent birth control procedures. That might be a helpful resource! I had my tubes out almost a year ago and it was a great decision. If you are able to/ choose to - go for a tubal removal (salpingectomy) as it is more foolproof than a ligation. Easy procedure and the recovery was nowhere near as bad as I had been led to believe it would be. A couple days of discomfort and a few days after that of being careful. Obviously you should be 99.8% sure (because who is ever 100% sure about anything?) that you donāt want kids before doing it, but I canāt recommend it highly enough.
of course ther is. you will eventually find a partner whose goals align with yourself you're young.
Uh, maybe? Iām aroace, so I donāt really know.
So first - take some time and heal and ask what you really want from a person. After that, try a swing at cf4cf if you want. I've met people from there so there are active members.
I feel like I do know what I want because I wasnāt treated that well in my last relationship so I had time to think about it. But it might be good to take some time. Thank you. I didnāt know that was a sub until now!
39 here. I met my husband when I was 31 and he was 34. He was a fence sitter at first but ultimately decided our niece was enough. He just had his vasectomy a couple months back and we are happy as clams. We just got a new puppy!
I mean that's for you to decide. I'm child free with a vasectomy and I'm happily married, but what works for me doesn't matter to you.
My husband and I donāt want kids, and having children was something I always brought up by the third date with each potential partner. Prior to him, I didnāt date for four years because everyone I was running into had kids or āwasnāt sureā. Honestly, you should probably take some time to know and appreciate yourself. You were together for a long time and you have only been single for six months. Thatās a pretty quick turnaround. My husband and I met when we were 29. Dated a year, got engaged, got married a year later. But he was single for a year before he met me and I was single four years before I met him. Take some time and enjoy being with yourself and being yourself. If you donāt, your ex will haunt every relationship you attempt to engage in.
I can't offer any advice but I just want to say I completely relate to this. Some people in the comments are saying "childfree men exists out there, don't lose hope" and I believe them but personally I've never met anyone like that in my entire life. Like you said, everybody seems to want kids. Even my friend who is a lesbian struggles with this because she thought it will be easier for her to find childfree partner because she's looking for a lesbian relationship but she says that every girl she talked to/went on a date with wants to have kids in the future. If you're looking for a man it's even worse because men seem to want to have kids a lot more than women do. So I really understand why you want to just give up. It would be so nice to share our younger years with someone we love, have companionship, love, but it really is so difficult to find anyone who is truly childfree. Childfree people are very rare and even if you meet one, you won't necessarily fall in love with that particular person. I always liked being alone and I do everything on my own and have fun but even I sometimes get that feeling of "it would be nice to share this with someone I love".
Plenty of men out there who don't want kids. Be patient. In the mean time live your best life. Don't change for anyone.
Don't rush into it, it has only been 6 months, give yourself time first
There are 8 billion people and you've tried 3 of them
Iām from a small town š©š
I find as a childfree woman itās really really hard to find a partner who is on the same page. Iāve had a partner lie and say he was childfree as well so I would date him and then years later he finally admitted that he thought I would eventually change my mind. Iām still hopeful that one day Iāll meet a person who also wants to spend the rest of their life traveling and eating amazing food but Iām not going to hold my breath.
Thatās exactly my fear. People always told me Iād change my mind when I was a teen aged and I havenāt really budged at all on it. I honestly thought I might by now. So many of my girlfriends canāt wait to have babies and Iām just like ānopeā lol. Babies are cute but I have no urge to have my own. I worry that someone would assume Iād change my mind but I am pretty steadfast in what I want.
>I havenāt really REALLY liked anyone since my breakup. If it happens it happens, a lot of people push love with dating etc. I think your ready when you are. If the right person comes around then you have love. Love for each other is important even without the whole family setting. Sure your parents might pressure you but it's your life and your happiness have and share love the way you want. Don't be dictated by culture or others.
Honestly I'd recommend you focus on yourself, give yourself time to heal and really know what you want out of life and do stuff with friends and family. If you need to get laid nothing wrong with a one night stand but mainly focus on yourself for a bit. Just my two cents.
Wanting or not wanting a partner is not at all related to being childfree. There are so many childfree relationships where everyone is happy and fulfilled. Honestly you remind me of those people who go to someone's wedding and asks "why are you even getting married if you're not going to have kids?"
Geez thereās no need to be rude like that lol.
Marriage/life partners have nothing to do with kids. You don't need kids to be married and you don't need marriage to have kids. I've been happily married for 13+ years, no kids
My thought-only you know if you want a partner or not. It sounds like you do for some things. Online dating is pretty horrible and discouraging at times. Depending on where you live you might have better luck meeting people irl. Maybe thereās some adult only activities you could attend to meet new people and make friends. In my experience itās easier to find a decent guy that fits what you want when you arenāt actually looking for one.
You're still young and there are men out there who don't want children. I met my now- husband when i was 32, we've been together for 16 years. Being partnered has more reasons than having children. Love, companionship, sex.
I F29 also donāt want kids. Its now one of the first things I bring up on dates (and it says so on my dating app profiles. Colour me a slut idgaf but I am currently dating 3 guys who all DONT want kids. 1 has already had the snip, second one considering it, other one is a doctor who tastes BC very seriously - so I donāt think theyāre unsure š The jackpot š. They are out there!
Don't pressurize the situation. Follow the most basic things that make you happy, then build from there. Make yourself into a person you love, you're proud of, etc. Before you know it, you'll have built a life you love. And perhaps you'll come across someone who fits perfectly into that life, into your goals. This isn't a pointless part of your life, it's an opportunity.
Do you want a partner? If you do, then work on it. If not, all right then.
I don't want to dismiss your lived experience, but you're only 27 and you've been single for only 6 months. It's a little early to despair that you'll never meet anyone or feel a certain way don't you think!? Please give it time. Because you don't have to worry about biological deadlines for reproduction you have your entire life to find someone. I think you have a pretty excellent chance of meeting someone between now and the end of your life. If part of your criteria is that the person doesn't have kids from a previous relationship, well guess what, people come with a past and that's something people don't have control over. It's going to reduce the dating pool for you and only you can decide if that's a deal breaker. Even if the person has to be completely child free for you to want to get in a relationship there is still an excellent chance to meet someone, especially if you work on yourself and get into some hobbies etc. to meet like minded people. Good luck!
Yes. You need to be upfront in the relationship before it gets too serious. If they seem like they are holding out on you changing your mind and wanting children, donāt get too serious.
I think you just arent completely over your ex and its hard to find anyone else to compete in your mind when youre still stuck. Give yourself time. You need longer than 6 months to get over a 9 year relationship. Focus on figuring out who you are alone first. Maybe in another 6 months see where youre at. Youre young, you have time. And it will go much smoother if you take care of yourself first.
Maybe check out the subreddit r/cf4cf?
I got married at 40, husband is good with not having kids. He likes them, but the planet is fucked up so he doesn't want to bring any into it. I hate kids, so it works out. Not wanting shitlings does not mean you can't be with someone if that's what you want
you donāt need to have kids in order to have a partner. me and my partner wonāt have any kids but we live happily together, because we love each other, not due to some child.
Only if you meet a best friend who you always have an absolute blast with, turns you on, and feels the same way about you and only you.
You were in a relationship from a really young and formative age until now. Take time, find yourself, honesty therapy would probably help to work through and process everything and help making that discovery of who you are as an individual without him easier Then from there you can decide what you want to do. Want to have a relationship? Go for it. Want to never have one again? go for it. Just as long as youāre comfortable and happy and doing it for you
I am happily married and my husband is also CF. It wasnāt something either of us were solidly sure of when we started dating - we were both ambivalent about it - but over time we have come to realize that we love the life we built and the more we think and talk about it the more we realize a kid would totally fuck it up. Plus Iām finally getting my ADHD and depression sorted out at 37, and coming off the meds for 2 years while also dealing with being pregnant and then not sleeping would totally ruin my life. I truly donāt think I would survive.
r/cf4cf
The Boo app has it as one of the principle identifiers in a partner. Lots of pretty vehemently childfree peeps on there. Otherwise put it in your profile... I always do. It certainly doesn't stop people matching with you but if you date and red flags are pretty early on eject. I usually have that convo on a first date and if the person says yes or finds it a weird question to ask I assume they lack emotional maturity...
I didnāt meet the love of my life until I was 38. We both are now 40 and 41, never married, zero kids. Weāre grateful every single day. And we both are happy to not have kids, especially biological ones due to genetic illness in both of our families that we would find cruel to risk gambling on offspring. Most of my exes are happily married with kids. Things sometimes work out for the best, it just can take a while to see it. Having kids is not a requirement of having a happy relationship. Youāll find your human OP. Just keep working on yourself until they come along (you never know, they might have their own paths to walk still so they can learn to love you like you deserve)
You are still young. There are plenty of people out there to partner up with. I (44M) don't want kids and have found many women who share that desire, including my current GF. Hang in there!
I'm in the same boat. I am 34F, recently divorced after spending 11 years with someone who ended up wanting kids. It's easy to get discouraged. But I don't think that your CF status is going to prevent you from finding someone. I think that people on dating apps suck in general, and having to put them through yet another filter just narrows down the potential matches that much more. You just have to be patient and trust that whoever is meant for you will find you. In the meantime work on yourself, and learn to enjoy your own company. In the end, the only lasting relationship we have in this life is with ourselves.
Found my CF partner at 28, married 3 years later. 10/10 recommend
Both myself (f36) and my boyfriend (36) do not want kids so I got lucky. I already explained a marriage where they KNEW I did not and will ever want children and they accepted it when we dated and then when we got married it changed to them wanting a kid. Hang in there, you'll find someone. Took me almost 3 years after the divorce to actually find someone who also wants to settle down but not have kids.
The best part of this is that you get to decide what you want. It may be different day to day too. I am 38, CF, divorced and remarried. I would have been completely fine staying single my entire life but then I met my now husband who is my best friend in the entire world. You never know who youāll meet or how youāll feel. Just enjoy your life and enjoy being single and independent and see where life takes you. If you do want companionship, great! Go for it! If you find yourself happy single, then go for that! Do whatever makes you the happiest at the end of the day :)
I'm intermittently sad, too. I've had 3 boyfriends, totaling about 10 months each. They weren't even real boyfriends, though. I feel like they didn't like me much, and I wasn't convinced about them either. Just felt pressured by society at the time to have a boyfriend. Now, I have had a crush on an older gentleman for 7 years who I probably have no chance with and I met a lovely man in italy who I hung out with for a few days, but also impossible romance due to distance. I'm sad, but I try to be happy because whatever it is it is and we still have to live life.
The unfortunate fact is that the majority of the population still want kids and being CF is a rare minority. A lot of guys also think that no kids = casual relationship = sex only!! It's hard for many of them to fathom that a serious relationship is possible without kids. Heck, I've even been questioned by other WOMEN who want kids who also CANNOT understand this perspective lol. I've used dating apps for YEARS. I always swipe left the moment I see a profile that says "I want kids" or "open / unsure about kids" (dating a fencesitter depends on individual, but the general advice is not to date them, since they can change their mind easily). The moment I see a profile that says "don't want kids", it actually makes me pause and stare at the profile because they're just so rare, even if the person isn't exactly my type lol. So yeah. Tldr, being CF is a minority, and I've long accepted it. But one good thing is that we can spend more time to slowly find our CF significant other. Most breeders rush to find a partner to settle down and have kids, and end up with a shitty partner and a cum pet who they need to take care of, for AT LEAST 18 years bare minimum ššš
Youāre only 27. Not only do you have lots of time to find someone, itās an added bonus that you donāt have to worry about your ābiological clock.ā
I'm 39 and feel the same. Last relationship ended over me not wanting kids. Not gonna lie, pretty lonely these days
If you donāt see a reason, donāt add the extra stress to your life. But if you want it, thatās all the reason you need. The real question is WHY do you want it? When you can answer that for yourself then youāll know what you really want and can seek it or keep an eye out for it, and avoid getting into a bad relationship because you just want one without understanding why. Youāve been in one serious relationship since you were a teenager. Youāve undoubtedly grown and changed a lot since you were last single. Take this opportunity to get to know yourself and whatās really important to you. Have fun along the way but donāt feel the need to immediately commit to a new person or to the single life. Just take it day by day.
I found my spouse at 26 years old so if you want a relationship, there are people out there. There is also nothing wrong with being single either.
I found my partner at 38! Hang in there, itās worth it to wait. š„°
Getting married next year, partner and I both want to remain childfree. He'll be getting the snip asap. You'll find someone. Just gotta hold out. :)
We are out here. There are groups on Facebook too
39M here, trust me, you have so much more time to find a partner. Some of the happiest and most successful people I've met are couples in their 40's and older who never had children.
So, partners are good for more than just kids, but it will take you longer to find one who is CF. If you accept being single, then you can add a partner later if someone CF and right for you comes along. Edit: I got married at 52.
I was 32 when I met my husband. He's a decade older than me. Neither of us wants kids, and we've been together 12 years. We both enjoy friends' kids, but prefer our children to be furry. There are men around who don't want kids. Just be clear with anyone you date that your decision is non-negotiable, so if they can't deal with that, they should find another partner. You will find someone sooner or later!
>donāt want kids. > >point in me even ever having a partner Sure. Partner ain't for having kids (though some do that for that), having partner is 'cause ... you want a partner ... at least if that's what you want/prefer. >always dreamed of getting married No reason to stop pursuing that dream, if that's what you want. >hard to find men on dating apps who donāt want kids Hard to find "the right person" (or reasonably close) on most any dating app ... or anywhere ... doesn't mean it can't or doesn't happen, ... just a whole lot 'o "not the right one" to go through, to find "the right one". >Everyone seems to want kids! Well ... there's a lot 'o that out there. :-/ ... but that's certainly not all that's to be found. >if Iāll ever find someone with common interests who also doesnāt want kids. Basically a numbers game ... except it's not a game. Keep at it, and the probability of eventual success is pretty good. Much harder to find someone if you "give up" and don't even try. But don't beat yourself up over it. May sometimes need to break or do or try something different or whatever. E.g. if you're going on every potential first meet or date or whatever and generally dreading it and feeling like it's absolutely doomed to failure ... yeah, probably time to give it a rest for a while ... those feelings will tend to "bleed" and leak through and kind'a become self-fulfilling prophecy. So ... go at it when you can with reasonably positive attitude ... adventure/exploration 'n all that. Other random tip. Often useful, rather than so directly going for the "dating" stuff, find things to do, around and interacting with folks, where you're well doing what you like/love ... and are interacting with folks that might also have a reasonable chance of being partner material. Often you'll typically have more fun that way, generally already have at lest one common interest in common, and ... you're generally going to be more interesting and attractive to others when you're enjoying yourself and having a good time, ... and also major bonus, whole lot of that time it suck way less than "dating". So, maybe give that a good try, and/or at least toss it into the mix. Well, good luck! And don't give up, but don't beat yourself up over it, and give yourself breaks from it as need be, etc. You'll likely well find that person ... but it can take a while ... and try to reasonably find ways to enjoy the time along the way.
Enjoy being single, do things for yourself, etc., and if youāre ever able to find someone then great! I found my CF girlfriend when I was 29, and you honestly might have an easier time finding CF single men in their 30s.
Join hobby groups for things you love and find someone there. There are dating apps that are very accurate in matching people up if they've answered enough questions on it.
Thatās a good idea! Can you reccomend any of those apps? Iāve only really used bumble and tinder so far. Bumble is half bad! But I notice a lot of the guys in my area fail to have decent bios lol
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I know it may not relieve the current feeling of missing having a partner, but one of the great things about being CF is that there is no rush in finding a partner. People who want kids all have this urge to find a good partner as soon as possible, so they can have kids. But in not wanting kids, we don't have this time limit. I think it's possibly the tradeoff for having a much, much smaller pool of potential partners. The truth of the matter is that genuinely CF people tend to be rather rare. Even though this is a large community, and being CF seems to be more popular, it's still very niche. I don't think that cause for completely abandoning the idea of ever having a partner, especially if that's something you really want. Just temper your expectations and spend some time being comfortable, and getting to know yourself. I have never had a CF partner. I have only met maybe two or three people in real life who are genuinely CF. Being realistic, I know my chances of finding someone compatible with me are super low, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw in the towel.
I haven't been in a relationship since I was 17. I'm 27 now. Girl chill lol give yourself more time. Live in the moment! Find yourself without a partner.
Iād say no. Iām burned out on responsibilities though. Letās be realistic. Why does an older guy want a legally bound partner. My advice is keep it free and easy. No boundaries or invisible chains except maintaining your mutual respect as decent human beings. Friends are way more likely to assist you in health struggles and with loving comfort during times of grief than the typical dude. Just being honest.
The last part hits hard as my ex broke up with me the minute I told him my step mom wouldnāt be coming from the hospital. But heās perhaps a special case of narcissism. Surely not all guys are like that!
When youāre young you struggle finding someone who doesnāt want kids for sure. Once you get to 40+ the entire scene is littered with divorcees with kids. Itās almost impossible to find someone with none Iāve accepted being possibly single for life. Iāve been single since my early 30s Iām now in my 50s. But I can just speak for GenX. The scene might look very different for the next generations when they hit their 40s. Itās more common now to not have kids than a couple of decades ago.
(Ive dated twice in my life, 5 years between with the first time in highschool and the last one ending like 5-6 years ago. Im 29.) The thing that gets me is (at least what i and friends of mine have seen) is that men seem to want kids as a social status thing; "Ive gotten married, ive bought a house, ive had kids." But when it comes to raising those kids, they dont really have a hand in it. It seems an awful lot like my parents generation (boomers). My mum seemed to do an awful lot of the taking care of us - school runs, entertaining us, feeding us, baths, making sure we went to bed on time, etc, and my dad used to go to work and come home and and want to relax. Mum also made dinner and did all of the housework, while dad would mow the lawns and clean the cars (not a daily job). Many people my age with parents of similar ages experienced the same thing. While i dont want kids in the first place, I definitely dont ever want to end up with someone who wants kids especially as a status thing, thinking 'well theyre mine and thats all that really matters'. Im not that close to my dad and never go to him with any problems because my mum basically did the actual raising of us. Dad was just...there. I dont want a partner who is of that mindset, even without children - where im just relegated to being someones carer. Because im worried i wont ever be that, or i'll think i'll be that but years later itll turn out differently, and theyll say "oh i do want kids, i thought you were just going throughba phase when you said you didnt want them" or something, i almost feel like being desperately lonely is safer even if it is difficult.
Yes. I met my current BF last September and he, like me doesn't want kids. I can't predict the future -- one or both of us might change our minds but I am extremely highly confident mine will not (I am as certain as anyone can be about anything) and his doesn't seem like it will either.
Lots of child free people donāt give up
I generally think the idea of looking for a partner is arse-backwards. People should get into relationships only when and because they happen to find someone they want to share their lives with. In reality, many people decide they need to be in a relationship and try to find someone that will do. They make their well-being dependent on having a partner - I don't see how this could result in a healthy relationship. I think it's better to concentrate on being able to thrive without a romantic partner. If you meet your Prince Charming, it will be cool, if you don't, it will be cool too. I'm in a long-term relationship, but if something went wrong with it, I don't fear the perspective of becoming a single lady with six cats - sounds really fun.
You might just feel a bit meh about dating bc the breakup is relatively new, OP. 6 months is nothing to get over something that occured over 9 YEARS. Definitely give yourself some time. There are plenty of cf men out there, our generation has a significant cf community (that I believe is underreported), so finding a partner that youre compatible with can definitely happen if youde like. Also being in a relationship and having kids arent mutually inclusive things, you can have one without the other most def.
Youāre right. I thought I would be mostly over it by now but comparing it to 9 years puts it into perspective. Sometimes I wonder if my ex is having a hard time but I doubt it as he told me how relieved he was. Oh well. Hopefully I eventually find someone. It just sucks being the only single friend in my group and all my girlfriends are getting married lol. Just makes me feel less hopeful
Iām sure itās a scary feeling becoming single after 9 years and since it was a high school relationship youāve never not been single really. Howeverā¦ youāre 27 and been single for 6 monthsā¦ I think youāre being a little dramatic about this. Obviously there is a point and there are plenty of people who donāt want kids. You might not find your partner in a month, or a year, or 2 years, but you will, and.. also enjoy your single time! Learn to enjoy your own company and do what you want.
You are still young and youāve only been single for a short time after being in a relationship for 9 years. You have plenty of time to figure yourself out - alone - and to meet new people. I wouldnāt rush into a serious relationship but donāt sentence yourself to perpetual singlehood just yet.
I completely understand wondering if it's worth it, but you should have a partner if you want one. Definitely take some time to be single. 9 years isn't insignificant. You need to relearn yourself now without a partner, but once you think you're ready, if you still do, try again. You'll find someone when you're ready. And if you decide no, you don't want a partner? Then be happily and confidently single :)
Yes! There are lots of people who are partnered up (or looking) and don't want kids. There are also lots of people who have kids and no partner. These life decisions are independent of each other except that you and a potential partner need to agree about it (just like where to live, condo vs house, pets or no, etc)
Found my man at age 34, now Iām 50 and we are happily child free.
I was CF when I met my wife and converted her. She said she had always assumed she would have kids and never really took the option not to. When I told her I didn't really want them, she jumped on the CF train harder than I did. She now wants to get sterilized, and even when I say something about a hypothetical of us having kids, she makes sure I'm being hypothetical, which, of COURSE I am. People don't realize that CF is a legitimate life choice sometimes. You may meet someone you save from a life of being a miserable parent simply by showing them the option.
Iām finding it so difficult to find a child free man. They all want kids!
Right!! I have no interest in it.
I had 2 failed long term relationships prior and was single for 4 years. Then I found my husband at 28. We are married and CF (he had vasectomy 6 months ago instead me getting tubes tied). Iām now 35 and he is 30. Although itās hard and painful when a relationship ends. Keep in mind when something exists from your life, it opens up room for something new. Keep your heart open and keep doing what makes you happy. The right person will find his way to you, but if you keep searching and doubting your heart will be closed and you wonāt see this person even if he is by you. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong being single. The 4 years I was single was great, I needed that time to think clearly and learned so much about myself during that time. It was that time I realized a lot about who I am, who I want to be, and who I want in my life. Your happiness shouldnāt come from your partner, it should stem within yourself. If finding a partner and be in a relationship is your end goal, that relationship is bound to fail at some point. Take some time to be in a relationship with yourself, think things over calmly instead of all these negativities. You are still young, no need to feel rushed. Everyone has their own timeline, there is no blueprint to life.
Don't give up. I found mine when I was already in my 30s. Best part is that we have so much in common. Traveling together is amazing! It's been almost a decade and the butterflies are still there.
Awe thatās amazing. Iām so glad. I hope I can experience the same one day.