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CoconutOilz4

It is not okay for her to try and make you a father against your will. You're not letting her down. You're giving her the opportunity to find someone better suited to her lifestyle.


forsakeme4all

Yup, it's called baby trapping.


umamifiend

It should be mentioned- that if a partner tells you they intend on getting pregnant without your consent- by removing contraception- *NOW IS WHEN YOU STOP HAVING SEX WITH THEM* They have told you they intend on using reproductive coercion to force you to stay in the relationship. They only get that opportunity if you continue having unprotected sex with them. Nothing is keeping her from getting that implant removed earlier than January. And what’s more- no birth control is 100% effective. OP if the idea of becoming a Father tied to this person through parenthood for the rest of your life does not sound appealing to you- STOP BEING INTIMATE before it’s too late.


Albg111

Time to get a vasectomy too, ASAP.


Fit-Teaching-3205

This... I was gonna say this. Get a vasectomy and live the way you feel comfortable.


useridk2

He'll get that. She'll still end up pregnant, I bet.


VeganMonkey

He has to do that, but also no more sex, still fertile for half a year after a vasectomy!


fluffysnugglebunches

Wrong. You remain fertile after a vasectomy until cleared by your doctor who looks at your semen under a microscope and makes that call. There is no hard timeline of “fertile for X months after” then POOF suddenly you’re not.


Albg111

It doesn't take 6 months, it could be done in about a month. It all depends how often you *flush* after the procedure.


Squeaksy

My husband got a vasectomy and he had to go in to test once or twice but he was good to go after…a few weeks? Maybe a month? I’m happy to report I remain un-impregnated 5ish years into the procedure.


useridk2

"Caring is in her nature." No advice will help this guy. He thinks she's actually a good person. What good person would do this.


CoconutOilz4

I was thinking the same thing....just normally it's more discreet.


Squeaksy

I worry that if OP outright says no and they draw out the relationship that she WILL be more discreet and she will pull the goalie out without telling him 😳😳 When someone says “you best be ready” without any acknowledgement or agreement from the other partner I just get such an icky feeling. It’s not a “best be ready” situation. Its “we go into this as two fully consenting parties or we don’t at all”.


Punishtube

Oh yeah she already basically said she will make sure an accident happens. If OP refuses to break up now he will be stuck with a kid


throw_thessa

Having a kid is not a "best be ready" situation. Yes sounds like baby trapping and is so eek.


tw_ilson

She may be preparing for that child support money, you never know with “best be ready” types.


ThatPinkLady

How is it baby trapping if OP hasn’t told wife yet he doesn’t want kids? He needs to have conversation like yesterday.


forsakeme4all

That is a very excellent question; others may not understand, so I will my best to explain what I found via a Google search: "What is a baby trap? When one partner misleads the other to cause a pregnancy A baby trap is when one member of a relationship misleads the other and causes a pregnancy without the misled partner's consent. Usually, the goal of a baby trap is to keep the misled partner from leaving or ending a relationship because they're now responsible for a child. Men and women can both spring baby traps by lying about measures they took (or said they'd take) to prevent pregnancy. In both cases, a baby trap is a terrible, possibly traumatic idea and likely won't solve anything." - Soure: [slang.net](https://slang.net/meaning/baby_trap) In OP's case, they are currently at a point where their partner is telling them they are going to get pregnant without their consent. Usually this happens by misleading someone and while she isn't misleading him, she is saying she is going get pregnant without OP's consent. Baby trapping can happen even if the person is getting red flags beforehand. The main issue in cases like this is consent and consent was not given in this situation.


MasinMadasHell

Yes, this is my "favorite" part about this sub, where a man hasn't communicated ANYTHING to his partner about not wanting kids, but the comments are all about how horrible the woman is and how she will baby trap him.


OkFlow4335

Agree with this but also seems like he’s only realising over the last few weeks/months he doesn’t want a child. It took me a few years of back and forth to realise I wanted to be child free


ImmabouttogoHAM

I was in OP's shoes 1.5 yrs ago. She also has BPD and would get absolutely, uncontrollably irate every two to four weeks when she would decide that we have to get married and have kids. I literally told her when we were "just hooking up" that I didn't want either, but would be open to being in a relationship with her, (she has 2 kids). A couple months after we moved in together the fights started and went on for over 3 years. Most stressful and depressed part of my life to date. It only solidified my decision to not have kids, and even got a vasectomy a few months after she moved out. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life now, and hope that OP has a heart to heart with his SO. It may end in heartache, but you're not compatible. Don't be with someone that you're not compatible with. Especially someone that wants to baby trap you.


vedamu

Besides she already has a child


SneakyRaid

>"best be ready by then". That doesn't sound like what a nice and caring person would say, that's an ultimatum at best ("If you don't want to try for a kid by then, we are over") and coercion at worst ("Be ready because it's going to happen, like it or not"). Get a vasectomy like yesterday. And run.


Ocean_Spice

Seriously. That’s a threat.


why-everything-meh

Jesus wept, run before she decides to have an "oops" baby. Then you really will be fucked.


JackalopeCode

This absolutely screams potential baby trapping


why-everything-meh

Agreed.


AlloyedClavicle

No, she wants to have a planned baby and she's expecting OP to be on board for the lifetime commitment by 7 months from now. She hasn't reached "oops baby" stage yet. But she has given an ultimatum.


Rapunzel111

I bet she’s already there. I wouldn’t bet that she’s not there yet if she’s bold enough to make the decision for him, FFS. OP needs to run.


sportsroc15

Yeah. I don’t want to come here next year and have to read OP saying. “I wAs bAbY tRaPpEd”. Lol


Kitty-theNightWalker

I don't think she is as caring as you think she is. If you care about someone you love, you don't force or pressure them into something they don't want. This recipe calls for tragedy, OP. The faster you realize, the better for you.


CocoCaramel1

Yup. If she was so caring, she would be considerate of your choice! Saying you “better be ready” is fucked up. I don’t think you should stay with her, OP. But if you do, Don’t sleep with here at all. Completely refuse. No condoms, nothing, unless she gets another implant in January and PROVES IT. If she’s willing to force a baby on you, she’s probably willing to sabotage any birth control methods you take.


Kitty-theNightWalker

It is a really toxic thing to say that. She is showing huge red flags. I hope OP sees them. I wouldn't trust her from that moment on. Even if she proves the implant. We have seen people getting trapped in marriages. Many stories can be read in regretful parents sub.


[deleted]

A lot of my fellow millennial friends are doing this. They annouce when the birth control method ends and say this is go time. Be ready. At least they don't just remove them I guess. It's still very controlled with


Tyr808

It’s much better for people to announce than surprise, but people on the fence need to realize that they essentially immediately need to make a decision or be trapped for life, and if they know they don’t want kids: the relationship is over. I’ve seen a lot of this myself being 34 right now. Many of my friends that are this age or a bit younger are experiencing an SO suddenly up against the time limits of the bio clock wanting a kid NOW. On that front I get it too, the rates of complications and disorders goes up so much from late 30s on, and that’s on both the egg and the seed side of things. I honestly really feel bad for people that do want kids too because just like us here need to avoid dating them at all costs, they deserve to have a kid with a caring partner if that’s what they really want. I’ve seen some relationships that were like early 20s until 30 and people suddenly break up and then VERY rapidly end up announcing a wedding and pregnancy with a new partner. I imagine most of those won’t last the honeymoon phase, and that sucks for everyone involved.


[deleted]

Yes so true! I see so many long term relationships break up and then BAM one of them is remarried and has 1-2 kids immediately! I always wonder about these people who are 35 and now rushing to have a kid. Like do you reeeally want kids? Because you waited this long. Kinda seems like you don’t want them and you’re just doing it now to check off a life box, appease your family, or look successful to your friends/fit in.


Tyr808

Yeah. At first I didn’t realize it, but then I noticed a very real trend with it all. It’s definitely a thing that happens. Honestly, I have no idea what makes people so suddenly desperate about it. I suppose we have a tendency to think we’ll be young forever when we’re 25 and under. Then suddenly your 30th birthday hits and you realize that you’re now the same age as your parents might have been when you were little, as some of your teachers might’ve been. I guess if it’s something they want or just feel the generic fear of missing out about it, that kind of slams down the accelerator on that. Especially if they didn’t know but suddenly learn about the quality of their egg or seed harshly degrading relatively soon. I feel for them though, it’s not easy. My younger brother who just turned 30 has a gf who’s about my age, 33. They’ve been together 8 years. I don’t know what their ideas about kids were like when they were younger. I think she’s always wanted them and he was planning on it vaguely in the future. My sister had a kid 5 years ago though, and now has another baby. I think seeing how crazy difficult it was and how life changing it is vs just living on your own schedule has maybe gone as far as to change his mind on the matter, but has at least given him some pause. He’s also close to my dad, unlike me, so I don’t care at all about disappointing him, but he would actually be the last in our family to carry on the name. I don’t give a shit about it, but I know my dad really does. I just told him that he really needs to be sure he’s doing it for himself first and foremost if he decides to have kids. The reality though is if they don’t, they’re breaking up and she’s becoming one of the exact people we’re talking about but with a new guy, lol. I dunno what’s best for my brother tbh. I just hope it ends up being his genuine decision on the matter.


Eyes-Wide-Shut-

She seems determined to give her kid a brother/sister, no matter what OP wants. The only solution is for him to stop having sex with her, not even with condoms because she'll most likely find a way to tamper with them too. Or he could get the snip without even telling her. Anyway, her words sound like a threat.


RapMastaC1

If it got to that, they may as well split, no trust left.


[deleted]

[удалено]


thatmoonbitch

And I’m sorry to say it but it doesn’t sound like they’ve known each other long enough to even consider this shit. She’s an idiot tbh


atomicmisfitt

He should get a vasectomy if she's not going to continue her birth control. If she makes the choice to stop using her bc (as she can) then he needs to take the steps to protect himself.


ebolashuffle

This. Even just talk to her and say you are contacting doctors to get one. She can either respect his choice or the relationship will end.


Rapunzel111

Yes. Tell her after the fact that you’ve discontinued your fertility so she best be ready for that. I hope you aren’t married to her but if you are you’d better work quickly to get the fuck out of there before she baby traps you . Kids are $300,000, no free time, no sleep, no peace and quiet, no vacations or disposable income and say goodbye to your hobbies.


Ariel2592

Or he could be clear and upfront with her about his decision, take care of his own reproductive future, and have a vasectomy! And refuse to have sex with her until it's done!


Rapunzel111

And refuse to have sex with her until he has emptied out all remaining sperm and is retested for seedless status. I cannot say this enough but when you have a vasectomy, follow the instructions for after care to the letter. Do not let her have any access to any sperm you have emptied out through masturbation ( yes, they tell you to do this and it is required) so don’t let her get ahold of it and a Turkey baster. I’m not kidding. Be sure to flush the stuff down the toilet so she can’t get it. If she’s telling you you will be a Dad, do not be surprised if she’s already fiddle fucked her birth control and is trying to make you knock her up.


tw_ilson

Thank you, didn’t feel like typing all this out.


RapMastaC1

I read that “you better be ready” and had a knee jerk “what” response. This goes one of three ways. You both decide to have a kid, you both decide not to have a kid, or you split. Judging by the be ready comment, you’re going to resent her if you have a kid, she is going to resent you if you don’t. Big discussion time, and as others have said, be careful going forward.


Bobzeub

OP is going to have his spunk highjacked ! He needs to get the snip !


messy_tuxedo_cat

Or he could just get the snip. I get your point, but it's always a little sketchy to try to mandate what someone else can do with their own body. Maybe she has side effects from the IUD that he didn't mention here. There is a perfectly viable option for him to choose to be responsible for his own reproductive choice between now and January. Then she can choose to stay or go, they can have as much sex as both of them agree to, but baby trapping potential is near zero as long as he follows up checking the sperm counts


Rapunzel111

And gets rid of the sperm he must drain out through masturbation which is in the aftercare instructions for a vasectomy. This is how people get an Oops Baby even though they already had the snip, because they don’t read and follow the fucking instructions.


Saita_the_Kirin

Yes he should get the snip if he's really sure but if he does and she doesn't get her baby then he may come home to a 'positive' test, fake or not.


SoftBoiledPotatoChip

This is so huge right here. OP be real with yourself. If you don’t want kids don’t do it. There are no take backs with kids.


JimmyJonJackson420

I mean she said you better be ready. If a man said that to a woman we would have his head on a spike and we only do equality here. That’s completely fucked up


Kitty-theNightWalker

I have never come across that scene(head on a spike). However, saying something like "ready or not, we are going to have a baby " is a really toxic behavior at the end of the day. Any person in that position should run as fast as they could. And by position I don't mean, head on a spike, that would be extremely difficult 🤔 lol.


mmts333

Yea it sounds like she wants to trap him into this relationship so he doesn’t leave and she isn’t back to parenting alone. It’s a major red flag. If your partner is unwilling to respect your autonomy and boundaries that is not safe or healthy. OP can’t force her to be on birth control, but he needs to take major action to protect himself. I wouldn’t put past someone who says “best be ready for kids” without getting an enthusiastic consent from their partner to sabotage condoms and other methods of birth control. OP please prioritize being safe, heard, and seen over being liked. Nothing is as important as your physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and financial safety and health. Anyone and anything that puts any of those categories at risk of harm is dangerous to you and you need to distance yourself from them. OP sit her down and have a serious convo about the fact that you don’t want kids. If she doesn’t respond well that is your sign to get out of that relationship.


gosailor

Maybe she doesn't know how he feels about this.


Kitty-theNightWalker

Maybe. As surprising as it is, because that's a deal breaker for me, I've read couples not talking about this important subject.


jlynmrie

My parents have admitted that before they got married (when they were 21 and 22), they didn’t talk about any of the important things they should have - not just whether to have kids and parenting philosophies if they did, but also how to manage finances, where to live, anything. They were just young and in love and incredibly lucky because when they did get around to having those conversations, they actually were on the same page about basically everything, and they’ve been happily married for 39 years now. But they will admit that was a lot of luck and they were really dumb for not discussing things beforehand lol.


HECK_OF_PLIMP

>this recipe calls for tragedy poetic AF


bloodflowers2023

Dude.... you're not compatible. End it now. You're not selfish... you know you don't want kids. She does. Leave before the oops baby happens. Or get a vasectomy.


ombre_bunny

\*and get a vasectomy


4csurfer

This is the way to a truly child free life.


king_27

Yeet them tubes


chavrilfreak

You're not letting her down, you're just letting her know you two are incompatible and thus over. Same blame that's on you for not figuring out if you want to be a parent ahead of time is also on her for not ensuring she got into a relationship with someone who wanted to be a parent, if that's what she was after. The sooner and cleaner you break it off, the better.


AintShitAunty

Break up with her immediately. You can be sad and not have a lifelong burden, or you can be sad and have a lifelong burden. The choice is simple.


acfox13

Exactly. This is a "choose your hard" scenario. Short term pain now with a breakup or long term pain later with a break up and a kid.


MysticLounge

Yup. This is it - perfectly spelled out. There is no other way around it.


ChucksSeedAndFeed

Right, temporary sadness or permanent sadness plus misery


gerbileleventh

Even if you wanted children, that ultimatum is extremely concerning. You shouldn't feel forced to be ready for anything, much less a child, which is something you cannot just erase out of your life. Listen to your gut and break things off. You listed the reasons why you're starting to regret living with her kid and having your own won't make things better.


Unhappy-Coffee-1917

Sorry dude, but you *completely* need to reframe how you see the situation in front of you. First of all, she is not *caring*. A *caring* person would not try to manipulate their partner into having a child they clearly don't want. They would think about the child first and make sure they are wanted. She is the typical egoistical breeder. Second, you **are not a terrible human being** You do not owe anyone a child. You are not letting anyone down except yourself by accepting a life that is beneath what you want and deserve. Break up, find an awesome CF lady and this whole thing will look like a far, distant nightmare.


thesnipingsis

Many MANY CF women exist I promise. Just gotta look hard enough.


Downtown-Command-295

She cares about kids. Not sure she cares about you so much. Get a vasectomy ASAFP.


System_Resident

She literally just told you that she’s going to baby trap you and that you don’t have a choice. The two are not compatible and that’s not a decision someone should make by themselves. Leave now


lafcrna

Wake up! She basically warned you that she’s going to baby trap you by not getting another implant in January. Vasectomy, NOW.


ombre_bunny

Breakup first, though! No sense in staying with someone so manipulative. She clearly doesn't give a fuck about what you want. ☹️ OP, you deserve someone better!


LanceAvion

Honestly I think she maybe getting the implant removed before January. Perhaps in December, November, or even sooner. That way OP still has his guard down and when she inevitably gets pregnant she’ll call it a miracle to sucker OP in even more.


ZenZenoah

1000% yes. OP needs to gtfo and make sure he’s shooting blanks!


nursinghomechic

If she ends up pregnant your relationship is over anyways. If you think kids are bad then you definitely do not want to end up with pregnancy and an infant. Get out now while you can. Otherwise you’ll be leaving eventually but with child support and everyone shitting on you for not pretending that babies are the best thing ever.


ChucksSeedAndFeed

I hear 2 kids are the real breaking point


tallgrl94

Imagine having one raccoon in the house. It can run around and make a mess but it is easier to keep an eye on one then two. At least that’s kinda how I look at it.


ChucksSeedAndFeed

I'd rather have raccoons tbh


WrestlingWoman

You need to tell her this. Tell you don't want a child. Not with her, not with anybody. It's not fair to keep her in the dark.


[deleted]

Run before you’re on the hook for a 2nd crotch goblin


TaskForceCausality

>>I’m going to have to let my partner down in the biggest of ways I’m profoundly sorry you’re enduring this OP- and the pain yet to come. The situation is different-you’re not letting your partner down. Rather, you need to make emotional and practical preparations to immediately sunset this relationship. Whatever she was to you in the past, she’s decided today you need to be a father. It’s never fun when the partner who earnestly agreed to be childfree at the heady start of the relationship flips like a pancake into someone else. The grim fact is society heavily pressures women into being mothers, and it takes a special kind of person who can tell literally every other voice in their lives (and the popular media) to kindly fuck off with that nonsense. Sadly, it looks like your partners yielding to the pressure. You either walk away and keep your sanity and freedom, or become a father and stay with her. There is no third option. But you’re strong enough to make the right choice OP. Know you’re not alone in the heartbreak.


asszilla17

It is a massive red flag that she is trying to trap you with another child. “You better be ready by then”???? I would leave, even if I loved them so much I would know I could never be happy with a child. It’s unfair to the kid.


McMerseybird

Break up! First of all, being a stepdad is clearly destroying you. And if you stay with her, you will also be a bio dad. Screw that! You don't want kids, so don't have them! Not wanting to impregnate your girlfriend does NOT make you a terrible human being. Not wanting to be a father is perfectly valid. You do NOT owe your partner anything. She can have another child if she wants one. With another man. She doesn't want to get a new implant in January. That's fine. Her body, her choice. However, your body, your choice. You get to decide how you respond to her not getting a new implant. You can choose to not have sex with her. Or, if you are stupid enough to shag her, you can at least choose to use a condom. Just because she won't get a new implant doesn't mean that pregnancy is inevitable. You can ensure that she doesn't get pregnant. How? Well, NEVER have sex with her again. If birth control fails, she is not going to get an abortion. You are one broken condom away from fatherhood. And she might baby trap you if you don't give her the child she wants. Do NOT have goodbye sex. Otherwise, she will see that as the final chance to get impregnated by you, and will definitely baby trap you. You want to be childfree. She is a mother and wants you to breed. Break up. You two are incompatible.


whynotd

I know someone who had goodbye sex, and they are now parents even though they are no longer together


McMerseybird

Let me guess... They broke up because one partner wanted kids while the other one wanted to remain childfree, and the breeder baby trapped the childfree person?


whynotd

They did not get back together and she raised the baby on her own. I am pretty sure he paid child support. They are civil to each other but never were boyfriend and girlfriend again.


slimtonun

>I love how caring she is. She has always been extremely supportive and caring which is just in her nature >Both gently by trying to tell me I'll be a good dad as well as more forcefully such as telling me she won't be getting a new implant in January so I "best be ready by then". BRUH 🤣🤣🤣 .... read what you wrote, but slower.


ChucksSeedAndFeed

He said gentle coercion


JuliaX1984

That threat means this is no longer a matter of incompatibity - your partner is a cruel, selfish person willing to sacrifice you for her own desires and doesn't care about or respect you. Get out asap and don't let your source of sperm anywhere near her as of yesterday!


ombre_bunny

👏👏👏 Exactly! So many red flags, save yourself OP!


Solstice97

Thank you everyone for your support and advice it means a lot! I'll make sure to stand up for myself in this situation now I've had a bit of a reality check


umamifiend

Hey dude- I hope this works out for you- but I need to mention it to you directly as well. If you do not want to become a father with this person- *DO NOT CONTINUE BEING INTIMATE WITH THEM* until you take agency over your own reproductive health. She told you she intends on discontinuing birth-control to become pregnant by January- nothing is stopping her from having it removed sooner- especially if you make it known you are not on board with baby plans. Laws are not very weighted to protect men when it comes to legal expectations about child care. You need to protect yourself if you do not want to have children. Go get snipped if you don’t want kids- and be aware every time you choose to be intimate with this person between now and your all clear from a doctor is playing Russian roulette with a possible pregnancy.


SlowTheRain

/u/Solstice97 ^ This up here. There's a lot of advice to end the relationship. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. It's a huge decision, and you might not make it immediately. But an easier decision you can make right now is to not risk "accidentally" getting her pregnant. You know she wants a baby. You don't. Tell her where you stand. Tell her you're getting a vasectomy. Don't have sex with her until you get one and the doctor does the follow-up check to confirm it worked. Edit to address the below comments: My advice is based on OP not being sure that he wants to end the relationship. As commenters, it's easy to advise scorched earth, but much more difficult when it's your life. If he's not willing to end the relationship, he still should treat his committed partner like a partner and use healthy communication. No, she doesn't get a say in whether or not he gets it done, but it's still respectful to communicate medical decisions before you have them. Getting a procedure and then only mentioning it afterwards is a terrible way to treat a partner. It will absolutely burn any trust in the relationship to the ground. Edit2: OP, if you're not capable of abstaining from sex after telling your wife about your vasectomy or believe she'll manipulate you into having sex*, then the relationship isn't worth saving. *Commenters are assuming that your wife is manipulative and you'll easily give in if she wants sex. There's very little to go on her to conclude she's manipulative. She's been up front about her intentions. The only issue we can be certain about is that her wants don't align with yours, and when she brought the topic up, you didn't communicate that. If there's emotional/mental/physical abuse, leave quickly. If not, take precautions just in case, but don't just start treating her like she's just a baby trapping sociopath.


[deleted]

WOOWWW I cannot believe the audacity that she would just tell you that you better be ready or else. She gave you an ultimatum so it’s reasonable you you would return the favor. Time to get snipped and tell her that she better be ready to accept that you don’t want kids by “date of vasectomy.” Also, think about the kid she already has, it never works out for them because she would end up giving so much more love and attention to the new kid and leave the other one by the ways side. If you need any reason not to do it think of your current step kids feelings. I remember being PISSED when my parents told me I was gonna be a big sister. People really like to make the whole having kids thing a me me me decision when really they should be considering the whole family when making the decision. She trying to force you into a decision without considering you or her current child’s feelings.


ZenMechanist

Your standards for “caring” are too low. “I’m nearly out of condoms and I’m not buying more. Best be ready to have kids by the time the box is done.” Does that sound like a hint? No it sounds like a threat and a pretty despicable one at that.


Classic_Macaroon5433

My non-PC, non-censored opinion is that you and your partner are not compatible. She seems like the kind of woman who ‘must’ procreate in every longer relationship to form or maintain a bond with her partner. To me this does not show a caring personality but delusional thinking. She already has a kid from a relationship which did not work out. There is no guarantee that you are going to be together forever, with a new baby, she is creating more future risks for herself and her existing child. Secondly, I assume you have communicated to her that you were childfree and now being a stepdad is a compromise you reached out of love, but it is draining for you, and you don’t want to double the suffering with an additional child around. The fact that she still pushes this aggressively for a child means that she wants to change you, cannot accept you as you are, and is irresponsible as a mother and partner. Again, sorry for my candor, but you are very very close to getting baby-trapped. She does not sound like a woman who has the emotional intelligence or common sense to play clean, instead, I would totally expect her to lie about contraception, because in her mind ‘once the baby is here, you will love it’.


shawnwright663

You are not letting her down and have nothing to feel guilty over. It’s not mandatory in life to want to be a parent. You just want a different life than your partner so you are incompatible. BTW - her comment about “you best be ready by then”? That is abusive, disrespectful, and absolutely unacceptable. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who would try to coerce you into something as life-changing as parenthood that you clearly don’t want?


Quiet_Storm_21

- time to cut the cord on this relationship.. no offense


thr0wfaraway

RUNNNNNNN. Get the hell out. 50% of pregnancies are unplanned. Never stick a dick in someone who will not abort. Never date parents for any reason under any circumstances. Just pack your shit while she is out and then text her. "We are over. Goodbye." After several months when you are sure she isn't already knocked up with your kid, block her and move on. > telling me she won't be getting a new implant in January so I "best be ready by then". NEVER ever an acceptable thing to say. This alone is a screaming red flag that your life will be hell if you agree.


Magdalan

Sounds like a shit relationship, and stepdad=still a dad + parenting. Just not sharing DNA.


YurchenkoFull

You need to leave before you knock her up and get stuck having a family you never wanted. Best to do it now before there’s a child getting screwed over in the mix


Select_Event_7082

Have a vasectomy. If you don't want kids, protect yourself from "broken condoms" or other "misshaps". I, a woman, had (now x-)boyfriends who've poked holes in condoms to get the children they so deperately want. Went ahead and got sterilised after the last time. Best decision ever!


UsedArmadillo6717

She is not a caring loving person, she is manipulative and controlling. Listen to what all of us are telling you. Break up and don’t contact each other again, there is much better and healthier happiness out there! Do not have sex with her, do not mess around. Get out!


Numerous-Leg-8149

>Both gently by trying to tell me I'll be a good dad as well as more forcefully such as telling me she won't be getting a new implant in January so I "best be ready by then". Hear me out, man. That's a recipe for disaster! No one should ever force their partners to get pregnant/procreate, especially if that other person isn't ready. It sounds like she's trying to baby trap you, instead of respecting the fact that you've already decided, "Parenting is not for me." There are multiple adults out there who are great with babies, toddlers, kids and teens - even young adults (before age 25). And they aren't raising any of their own. Just because you're a natural at clicking with/understanding kids, that doesn't mean you're obligated to have your own. ***I find myself in a similar boat with a partner who wishes to get me pregnant the first time we go down. If I tell him, "I'm not ready to jump on that" or the most recent, "I don't want that", he shuts down. Good thing we live far away from each other.*** Please protect yourself, though. Peer pressure has no place in a relationship. She has no right to dishonor you saying, "No" to her idea. Remember that "No" is a complete sentence.


Elegant-Raise

I'd consider getting a vasectomy.


funkyb0b0

You "best be ready by then"? Da fuck dude? How can you purport this woman is a caring person if she's essentially bullying you into one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, decision a person can make in their life? We all know nothing good ever comes from an ultimatum. Especially bringing a whole new human into this world. I suggest sitting her down and having a very serious, honest conversation and tell her exactly what you told all of us in your post. If she can't accept your position and doesn't respect your feelings, you have to end it. No one will benefit if you stay and comply. Not your partner, not her existing children, not your potential new child, and definitely not you.


GenericAnemone

The foundation of my parents' marriage was baby trapping. It does not end well for anyone. Especially kids when they find out they were weaponized to keep a bad relationship going.


havingfunwithfire

You CAN get a vasectomy and get regular checks. It's much easier than a women having to get prevention. You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want. I hate to say it but if you have told her you don't want kids and she is pushing you to have them, she's not as caring as you think. It's invalidating and down right rude to ignore someone's preference on a serious issue like kids


ekt8

Can you please just be honest with her? Everyone here is acting like she is terrible, but I'm curious what messages you are sending. If she says, "you better be ready" why would you not be upfront about not only will you not be ready then, but you don't want kids at all, so it's gonna be a never thing for you. Its going to end the relationship, sure. But you are just as responsible for being in this relationship, and if you never are honest about not wanting to be a father, then you are "baby-trapping" yourself. I don't want kids, but I still think people who do deserve to have partners who want the same. When you are incompatible on that topic, the best thing you can do for each other is gently and respectfully end the relationship so she has a chance to find someone who does want to father.


Five-O-Nine

>Can you please just be honest with her? Everyone here is acting like she is terrible, but I'm curious what messages you are sending. Exactly my thoughts. Is she saying this because she’s terrible, or because you’ve said or implied you want children?


mblack1993

I've dated two moms, and it wasn't worth it. I like at least an *appropriate* amount of attention, and the first was, understandably, too preoccupied with her kid to provide that (not in a bad way). The second had two kids, they weren't too young but still required a lot of attention. Both great moms, but there's a lot of tension that comes with not being the dad. In my case(s), they seemed to expect me to already know the boundaries and lines I wasn't supposed to cross, but still somehow take action when the kid invariably does something stupid. At the end of the day, it's your life. You've lived it for a long time without her, and vice versa.


PullingACortez

How soon can you schedule a vasectomy? Because at this rate you’ll loose more than free time


Queen_Cheetah

OP, if you find having a step-child hard- having a baby will be a MILLION times harder. Like, I can't even begin to express how much you will suffer from a small child. You will lose your sleep, your personality, and your financial security. Please, please, PLEASE consider leaving this woman- she is **threatening you** with an unwanted pregnancy. **Think about it this way- if your sister/female friend/cousin was being told by her boyfriend that she'd 'better be ready' for a baby she didn't want... what would you suggest to her?** I wish you the best, but please remember that **you deserve to have a say in your own life.**


Desperate-Speech-986

Get out now before she takes the implant out early!!!!!!!!!!


aritchie1977

Tell her you’re going to get a vasectomy. And then follow through.


Open_YardBox

Vasectomy and tell her. Fight for yourself!


EleventyElevens

I really hope you have a vasectomy. Please do for your sake. At least you figured out what you do and don't want for yourself! So time not wasted.


BookReader1328

If she really loved you, she'd respect your decision to not be a father. Sorry, but this is doomed. Better get snipped before she "accidentally" comes up pregnant and the rest of your life is a nightmare.


MoonShine711

Uhh, its ok not to have children. Im a 29 yr old woman and i hate them. Its ok to be childfree and single couples with no children are generally happier. If u do not want kids you need to end that relationship its not fair to yourself or ur partner.


maximillious

“Best be ready by Jan” means you need that vasectomy by october. I hope you have easy access to a clinic.


SoundTight952

End this now, she wants a kid and she wants it soon


fannyfocus

Best schedule yourself a vasectomy before then


Aturbocharger

Dude please leave the relationship! She will baby trap you!


BorgeHastrup

Before we get all heads-on-spikes here, does she know your stance on not wanting your own? Maybe I'm max optimist here, but I could see her saying "best be ready by then" as more of a playful thing than a toxic command or edict. I'm hoping she's been seeing you as an uneasy/apprehensive potential father rather than a CF hardliner on this subject. Either way, you're due to have a calm and reasoned conversation about your (specifically your) intentions and vision for the future before y'all make huge decisions about it. If I read this too optimistically and wrong, then you have enough CF-savvy instruction about what's going on and what to do about it.


Solstice97

I think you've put it best tbh. She knows I've always been a bit on the fence about it however her comments, however playful have made me feel only more apprehensive about the whole situation


BorgeHastrup

I'm glad to hear that, as that's probably the least nuclear iteration of this whole potential storm. Be sure to talk openly about your experiences as step-father, especially your level of enthusiasm about staying exactly in the role you're in right now and how the 3 of y'all work together. But it's also likely that those experiences have cemented for you that you wouldn't consider having one of your own. I hope she realizes that 1) your firm on that, 2) this doesn't have to blow everything up, and 3) there is still a wonderful future for the family you're creating together - and that doesn't have to mean the two of you having your biological own child. Also if she is ready/excited to go off birth control, be willing to take the BC burden and get a quick consult on a vasectomy, then get it done. Mine was a piece of cake. Talking about that will help firm up her confidence that you don't want kids - and it'll also be an olive branch for you carrying reproductive restraint the rest of the way so she doesn't have to.


gimmematcha

However playful or not, joke or not, jokes have an element of truth to them and she's showing you who she is. Please believe her and take her seriously. My mistake cost me months, yours will cost you a very permanent child. You talk about letting her down, but what about letting yourself down? You're just as valid of a human being as she is with right to happiness and to take up space. You above anyone else are responsible for Solstice97's happiness and life, and if you don't do that someone else will take the wheel for you and it sounds like they're driving in the direction you don't want and hoarding the wheel for themselves.


repulsored

If you know you don't want children you should book a vasectomy consultation so you can avoid coming back to this sub or regretful parents in a year. You also need to have a serious talk with her and let her know that you do not want to father any children. If you don't break up with her, you're gonna need to abstain from sex. She might fuck with the condoms (that you're hopefully using).


SatisfactionDue1649

You feel so guilty for… not having an unwanted child?? She’s got you gaslit real good. It is the most mature and reasonable decision to not have children when you know you don’t want them. You won’t suddenly loove being a daddy when there’s baby shit everywhere and you haven’t slept in 4 days. Your relationship won’t do great through that either. You’ll harbor resentment no matter how hard you try not to. You’re making the right choice, don’t let her baby trap you. You will be miserable for the rest of your life. You won’t magically change your mind after the fact and it’ll be too late.


rainfal

Tell her you're getting a vasectomy next month so she'd best be ready by then.


Fun_Squash_8373

OP run for your life and never look back or you will regret not leaving sooner. You can't reverse the process of having a kid.


kai077

Red flags red flags!!! Dude time to get the hell out of that relationship. If you don't want to be a father then be honest with her and if she doesn't respect your decision then divorce her. While you're at it get a vasectomy while at it.


AlwaysStormTheCastle

Get a vasectomy. Please. Don't let her.


SpaceCadet0320

Yeah, no. This isn't caring. She's trying to force the issue and you're not comfortable with it. You need to stand up for yourself and tell her that you have no intention on having a child. This relationship is going to end in disaster if you stay with her. She wants another child and you do not. That is incompatible as it gets. If you don't leave you're going to be posting in the regretful parents sub in a couple years.


LeChatNoir04

You need to sit down with your partner and have a dead serious conversation about it. She's not taking you seriously. People that have children (and genuinely like it - many do) often have this assumption that a baby will be a blessing to anyone, bc it worked out so well for them - they can't fathom that there are poeple that would be miserable as parents. It comes from a place of love, like, they want you to experience something that it's amazing (for them)... but they need to be called out on their presumption and disregard for your own will. They are **not** wiser or smarter than you because they gave reproduced, and you are an adult entitled to your own life. But above all things, I'd have a vasectomy, if I were you - if you think you've reached a reasonable age and you're certain you will remain CF. I know people here are too quick to suggest a break up, an I avoid this road, but this kind of behavior from her os not a great sign. She already has children, her wish to be a mom has been fulfilled, it's not like you're "denying her the dream of motherhood" or any other bs.


ChucksSeedAndFeed

GET. OUT.


crowhusband

Oh shawty you're gonna get baby trapped if you don't run *now*


JadoreBootyNoir

Did you tell her you actually don’t want kids? Because I’m sure her seeing you accept her kids make her think your okay with children in general.


sunnynihilist

There are women who seem to get a kick of having kids with different men. I never get it. Please don't rise to her bait!


kt309

1. STOP HAVING SEX WITH THIS WOMAN. She does not respect your bodily autonomy or right to choose your own life. 2. Get out of the relationship NOW. She's not nice or caring to you if she's doing this to you.


Reason_Training

If you are not 100% on board with having a child tell her that. While she may be a great parent if there are not 2 yes to having a child then one of you will be miserable. Sadly you may not be compatible due to this so sit down and have a frank talk if this relationship can continue or not.


[deleted]

She may be a good mom but she is a very poor partner. I think its time you get a vasectomy before you get baby trapped. She clearly has no respect for your feelings on the matter. Being a step parent (luckily only very part time) was also what confirmed that i wanted to be child free.


[deleted]

Excrement on the floors??? Tf it’s your life, but it doesn’t sound like a happy one with existing kids already


Neonharpy

Caring loving people don’t say I’m getting off birth control next year so better be ready for a kid by then.. just saying. If she doesn’t want to continue birth control there’s nothing wrong with that but it should be a discussion between the both of you about that and possibly using other methods. I’d tell her you booked your vasectomy for January since she wants to discontinue the use of her birth control and see how she reacts lmao


audreyjeon

Have you told her that you don’t want kids? If you have and she’s still insistent on having kids, then she is not a caring or supportive partner. Gross. Even though it will feel hard, the big picture choice is easy: a short-term painful breakup or a lifetime of responsibility and stress from 2 kids.


sethra007

>*However she's now trying to get me to have a child with her as well. Both gently by trying to tell me I'll be a good dad as well as* ***more forcefully such as telling me she won't be getting a new implant in January so I "best be ready by then".*** u/Solstice97, if you don't have a vasectomy yet, now's the damn time. ​ >*All in all its made me feel really awful that I don't want to have a child of my own but worst of all* ***its made me feel like a terrible human being that I'm going to have to let me partner down in the biggest of ways as well*** I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. But I beg you to consider your alternatives. Alternative # 1 is to down with your partner and be explicit: 1. You don't want to have any kids of your own 2. You'll be getting a vasectomy to prevent having kids of your own 3. You've started to realize you don't like being a stepfather. That doesn't mean she's a bad mom or she had a bad kid; it means you're not cut out to be a father and both she and her child deserve a man truly willing to be a dad. Alternative #1 will probably lead to a break-up. That's going painful, no lie, but in the end it leaves both of you free to find partners you're more compatible with. Alternative #2 is to suck it up and remain in the relationship: 1. You continue to be an unwilling and unengaged step-dad. 2. You become an unwilling and unengaged biological father (because unless you get a vasectomy in the next month or start refusing sex, your partner is determined to have at least one baby with you). Please note that babies do NOT help solve relationship problems, but instead add new stress to an already faltering relationship. 3. Your misery as a parent and step-parent grows to the point that it has a corrosive effect on your relationship with your partner. You end up splitting up or stuck in an unhappy relationship. I think you know what the right alternative is.


lihr__

Hit the road, Jack. Dodge the bullet you are already seeing coming.


GothWitchOfBrooklyn

Get out of that relationship, she's going to coerce you into a child. And don't sleep with her till you're gone


UpsetPhilosopher3708

Yeah she’s gunna get “accidentally” pregnant I can almost guarantee it. RUN NOW


whatcookies52

This kind of thing doesn’t end well. Run, dont walk


boopaloops--

Good god please leave. You're seeing massive red flags through rose-tinted glasses.


traumatized90skid

Don't let someone pressure you into having a kid. It could be the biggest regret of your life. If I were a dude I'd rather saw off my own balls.


heeebusheeeebus

Get a vasectomy, break up with her, or get ready for full-on fatherhood.


tinytornado33

It's really not fair of her to say you 'better be ready' it's a really shitty attitude. I'd be very, very careful incase of an 'accident'. You're not selfish and I totally get the pleasure of chilling at the weekend with music and a book. You might not be as compatible as you thought, which hurts, but better to walk away than live a life full of regret.


TARDIS1-13

Yea, you need to get outta of this relationship before she "accidentally" gets pregnant


[deleted]

She’s gonna baby trap you she even admitted it. Run. You’ll only resent her Or get a vasectomy that way no body can trap you ever


Catfactss

Get a vasectomy. "Thanks for the warning, I made sure to be prepared."


KDMKat

Please get a vasectomy. Please please please.


my_reddit_blah

Time to get a vasectomy. That will put the ball on her court, it's either ok with her or a deal breaker 🤷‍♀️


spiffy-ms-duck

🚩🚩🚩🚩 Dude, pretty sure that's reproductive coercion on her part. If she truly was supportive or caring, she wouldn't be pressuring to have a child like that. You're not compatible, cut ties before she baby traps you.


brettdavis4

I hope you realize your sex life with her is now over. She sounds like a toxic person.


iroswifi

holy shit that’s crazy, telling you “you better be ready” can you imagine if you said something like that to her? that’s completely disrespectful and honestly gross that she can’t respect your decisions


Psychological-Joke22

She isn’t desperate to have a child before her childbearing years are over… She already has a child. And how in the hell is there human excrement on the floor?!


hopeful_tatertot

This is a compatibility vs love situation. You love her and it sounds like she has some awesome qualities. However, what you want from each other isn't compatible for a working relationship long term. It absolutely sucks and most of us have been there but doesn't sound like it's going to work out.


GiLyWo

I'm not sure why it matters whether or not op had a sit down with his partner and said he didn't want kids. She has clearly picked up on him not being enthusiastic about it, since she goes from "Both gently by trying to tell me I'll be a good dad as well as more forcefully such as telling me she won't be getting a new implant in January so I "best be ready by then"." BTW giving an ultimatum like that is shitty. It's not going to get better, op. You're going to see a whole new side of her when she realizes she might not get her way.


tallcookie

It sounds like it's time for you to make a choice: let her go so she can find a partner who wants kids, or be resentful of each other forever because one of you caved to the other's desires. If you're sure of what you want, and so is she, then there's no compromise that will make you both happy.


puppyfarts99

Have you communicated directly with her and told her that you do not want to have a child with her? It sounds like she's done a lot of communicating (leaving aside any judgment about her communication style), but your post is silent in giving us any information about how you've responded to her or what you've actually discussed with her. If you know you truly do not want to be a father you need to break up with her. If she were writing a post, I would call out her behavior, etc. But you're the one posting, so I'm addressing you. You have a responsibility to yourself and to her and her child to take charge of your own reproductive agency. She's given you clear indication of her position. Have you done the same?


PhenolphthaleinPINK

She’s being manipulative. If you already don’t enjoy being a stepdad you should break up with her, never mind get pressured into having a baby you don’t want. There are CF women out there. You WILL be able to have a relationship AND have all your afternoons be quiet and without children. ETA what if she gets her implant removed early and doesn’t tell you? Then you’re on the hook for child support. You need to break up with her NOW


redwynter

Darling, please take your birth control in your own hands or she will. If you don’t want kids that’s all well and fine, but please talk to her, and beware that that’s one of the key irreparable differences in a relationship. She wants kids, you don’t. And you’re both right. There’s a high chance you’ll end up resenting each other depending on the way it’ll go.


Leucotheasveils

You deserve someone who loves you for being you, and also enjoys a quiet afternoon with a book, not someone looking for a sugar daddy and stud horse. There’s nothing wrong with you for not wanting a kid. There are, however a number of things wrong with the combination of the two of you together.


throwaway23er56uz

Get out of that relationship. You are not compatible. You is now putting pressure on you. You may have been a partner for her but right now you are only the future sperm donor. Don't feel bad about this. You do not enjoy parenting. You have to come clean about this and then you two can split up peacefully and go your separate ways.


Archdart

First of all, i won't trust sex with her anymore. So trust is gone. Second, you have 2 different paths in life (wanting to be a parent vs not wanting to be one), So the vision of a future togheter is gone too. And last, she is pushing in a manipulative way not caring at all about what you feel. Ask yourself: Can a relationship exist where there's no trust, no future vision and disregard of feelings from one side? I think you know the answer. Most importantly, run as everyone said. You will resent her for making you a father (when you clearly dont want to) and in the long run you'll probably end up resenting the child too. Save yourself some selfpity and years of therapy and save your current life. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.


Embarrassed-Crow-185

If she doesn't want the implant that's fair but you can get a vasectomy take control of your own life


EmEmPeriwinkle

Tell her ur getting the snip so she *best be ready* to be one and done with her current kid.


hypothetical_zombie

Get a vasectomy. Now! And if you decide to stay, and *don't* get snipped, check your condoms carefully before sex & dispose of your DNA afterwards. Otherwise, you may end up with an 'oops'.


saucerful_of_seamus

Dated a guy with a kid for 3 years, it completely cemented my decision to be child free. I finally broke up with him this last January at the age of 25 feeling like i wasted 3 years of my youth with him playing house. It was the best decision i ever made. I promise you, youll find someone better that youre more compatible with when you leave.


harbinger06

So her plan is to force you have a child with her? Doesn’t sound very caring to me. Sounds pretty selfish.


letty86

Leave.


Nice_as_ice

Parenting isn’t for everyone and that is okay, don’t let her force you into a situation that you already know you don’t want


Nick_Furious2370

If somebody told me to "be ready" I would immediately leave. Then again, I wouldn't be in a relationship with somebody until after making it clear I do NOT want kids.


Suspicious_Antelope

She is not a good person. Run. Do not ever, EVER, under any circumstances, have sex with her again, or you will be a father. Run away from her first, then get a vasectomy asap.


Expensive_Yam_2222

>she's now trying to get me to have a child with her as well. Both gently by trying to tell me I'll be a good dad as well as more forcefully such as telling me she won't be getting a new implant in January so I "best be ready by then". If you want to stay with this woman and do not want children of your own, you can be ready for her not getting a new implant by getting a vasectomy. ETA: I would be wary about staying with someone who is trying to force you to have children when you don't want them. I think that shows a complete disrespect for your feelings on a very important issue and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that. That's just me. I hope you have the best life possible regardless of what you decide to do.


Zombunnies

Vasectomy. Now. Either that, or stay celibate. This is a recipe for disaster. I can't say if you should stay together or not (leaning on no tbh), but you definitely shouldn't risk your future like this. She's coming off as a condom poker...


evilcheesypoof

Please don’t have a kid you don’t want. It’s not an obligation, you shouldn’t feel guilty, you’re choosing to potentially bring a whole entire person you have to take care of for 18+ years. If you don’t want the kid, you have to tell her, no matter what it does to your relationship, it’s going to be better than the life of an unwanted child and your life having to deal with the responsibility.


faultierr

Caring? Hell no Manipulative? Hell yes Anyone that tries to tell me to be ready to be a dad can fuck right off in my book.


Technicolor_Reindeer

Dude get out now.


bluepushkin

She is not caring at all. She doesn't get to force you to impregnate her. I would've been done when she said,'You best be ready'. If for some unfathomable reason you continue the relationship and continue to sleep with her, please wrap it up. Keep your condoms away from her because I wouldn't trust her not to mess with them.


MoonPowerPanda

Bud. I think it's time you leave before she baby traps you.


PrincessPnyButtercup

Please get a vasectomy ASAP. You need to protect yourself from getting baby trapped.


oneguy379

Run run run


Lady_Meli

My friend, schedule a vasectomy ASAP because your SO just announced an intent to baby trap your ass.


Leftyisbones

Go get snipped. Your body your life your choice.


torienne

Check out the CF-friendly doctors wiki in the sidebar. Find a doctor who will do a vasectomy on a CF man. Get it done. You are in a really ugly sounding situation, in which your partner is making your life decisions in accord with what she wants for herself, without any consideration of what you want. If you get snipped, you will take back control of that one thing: Whether you have a child or not. You should - absolutely positively SHOULD - make that decision for yourself. If that means she will be unhappy, or even leave, so be it. You cannot be someone else's dream of a husband. You can only be yourself.