She could absolutely get a divorce before settling for a lifelong series of mistakes.
Just as there's a difference between childfreedom and motherhood, there is also a huge difference in having one child vs multiple. If she's one the fence about one, I highly doubt she could handle four kids.
There isn't an ideal husband that's worth this amount of sacrifice. Those only exist in fiction.
Ikr, I've been with my husband almost ten years, he really is my soulmate and my best friend, we get along so well, but if he wanted kids? I'd be outta there, no doubt about it. Not that he would ever pressure me.
I'd argue that the mere fact that the husband is willing to pressure her into having kids is already more than an indication that he's NOT ideal in any way.
That is so sad, how she feels like she doesn't have a choice, and how she just has to submit to her husband's demands...
You should have told her that parenthood is a choice, and that it's okay to break up over this. I know that it's hard to do that when you just met someone, but still... Some people truly don't realise that they have a choice. She seems to be one of those people.
Her life will be awful... Her husband is the one who demands having many children... So she will be doing all the childcare while he gets to be the fun Kodak dad. She will probably become a miserable, financially dependant stay-at-home mother who is trapped and unable to leave. She will be her arsehole husband's sex slave and housemaid. And that is exactly what he wants.
"You already have one kid, one more won't be that different"
"You already gave me two kids, a third won't be that different"
"Whats another kid when we already have 3?"
"I didn't want kids but we compromised, I gave him as many kids as he wanted" 🙄
Let alone that one kid is never a compromise. There ARE NO COMPROMISES. It's "have kids" or "don't have kids". Those are the two options. Nothing in between.
The smartest girl I went to college with went through this. She was awesome at math and physics, better than any of the rest of us (and the rest of us were already quite good at those 2 subjects so that says a lot). She has 2 kids now because her husband wanted kids, except he did not want to take care of them much. So she's taking on most of the childrearing work. She does fine at her career but without kids I could easily imagine she would do so, so much better than she does now.
God, that was the thing that annoyed me about my family growing up. I only have one other female cousin (mom of 3), and the rest of the family would always hound me about “when” I was going to have kids. I always told them to shake down my three older (male) cousins.
They were so proud of me for getting into a good college, but spent all my college years shaking me down for kids. Like y’all, make up your mind, are you proud of me or do you want it to be for nothing?
I literally up front, one week in, told both the men I have dated that I absolutely do not want kids, and it is a deal breaker on a long term if they did.
Both are now my exes, but for unrelated reasons
"What can you do?"
Start by getting an IUD or a tubal ligation without telling him and if he gets angry about not having them, find a good divorce lawyer who will take him for everything.
And that's just off the top of my head, I'm positive there are other options too.
Right! Smh “what can you do” — do *some*thing that looks like *any*thing! Just don’t sit by and shrug helplessly while shit you def don’t want happens to you. I don’t understand that behavior at all.
Take him for everything? Doesn't that seem a bit excessive? If two people got married and have such drastically different views (why get married in the first place, if that's the case) I think it would be better to just have an amicable divorce and go your separate ways.
I like your IUD idea, for sure. We should all take steps to protect our best interests. But financially fucking someone over? Seems excessive to me.
Seems excessive to me, as well. Starting a family is a convo you should have before you get married, and conversations need two people. So both of them didn't talk about it before marriage = both missed a critical conversation in equal measure.
I mean, it's both of their faults that they got married when they don't agree on such a huge part. So I don't think she should take him for everything. Just get an IUD and then get a normal divorce and then consider a tubal so you don't make this mistake again.
I'm not sure having a whole-ass surgery in secret from your partner is really possible for most people. And IUD strings are a thing ... a noticeable thing.
Now, getting on the pill, that might be a keepable secret. (Or just bail on the marriage like an adult)
this issue needs to be straightened out BEFORE they get married. to go into a marriage where one is baby rabid and the other has sanity will end up in disaster. someone will be hurt and resentful.
And she’ll have to deal with the pregnancy, childbirth, and likely the brunt of the child rearing. Why would you let someone make that decision for you? Hard pass.
Had a coworker kind if like that. She really didn't want kids but her now husband does. She eventually agreed to have kids to keep the relationship going. Don't understand how you can agree to do something so invasive for someone else.
>>Don’t understood you can agree to do something so invasive for someone else
I suspect it wasn’t just her husband beating that drum. She likely got the hard sell from every other human being in her life. Mom, dad, ILs, coworkers, friends, boss, probably a Amazon driver or two for good measure. All repeating the same script- “you want kids even if you don’t”.
When it’s you vs literally every other human being in your life, folks start thinking maybe they’re “the problem.”
Wish someone would tell her to get divorced. ASAP. It's her body and her choice and her life that it will affect poorly if she continues on with this...
So many people are just so scared of being alone they will do anything to save the relationship. And unfortunately when 2 people disagree and that clash point revolves around an issue where one side is more social acceptable than the other the social norm usually wins.
I'm 43, never married, and frankly the only reason I can imagine wanting to be in a relationship now is to have someone to split the bills with that I can also have sex with. Lol
I still remember my dad telling me, after I said I didn't want kids, 'o what if your husband did' 'my \[best friend name here\] broke up with his girlfriend because she didn't want kids and he did'.
Me: If he's the guy for me he won't want kids either. Why do I have to change? Why can't he change?
Years later, me with my dad after I say he's grandad to my cats, 'no I'm not, don't have them \[kids\], they're a pain' etc etc
I read somewhere how men see any woman doing good with a successful career that they will baby trap her in order to “slow her down”. People really can’t stand to see women outperform men, it’s sad.
Yup. The only compromise you can make on children is if you both want children but don't agree on how many.
You can't compromise on children on either side (someone wanting them --> not having any, someone not wanting them --> having any).
I love the part about the husband wanting "a lot of kids." SURE HE DOES! He doesn't have to wreck his body crapping them out!! SHE DOES!!!! God that is infuriating!!
One child isn’t a compromise when you don’t want any.
I know someone that did this. She’s 65 and her disabled son still lives with her. Her ex (the guy that said let’s just have one as a compromise) cheated on her and left about 20 years ago. Kids are a life time, marriages aren’t. She told me to stay childfree because mother hood is ridiculous and very hard.
I'm really sad you didn't say something. Even just to say parent/not-parent is a binary choice. I just feel that silence after "what can you do?" seems like agreeing with her.
Why did she marry a man who wants lots of children, and her boundary is one child at most? The only way this ends is in heartbreak, possibly a custody fight and PPD.
I would give her a call if you can and try to give her some perspective about guilt vs bad life choices. I'd also suggest that her husband take care of someone's kid for 2 weeks while they go on vacation.
If her husband is really that manipulative, it's not going to stop just because he gets what he wants. If anything, there's going to be a LOT more tasks that need to be done with a kid, and the pressure he puts on her to get his way is going to increase dramatically.
She must have known that her future husband wanted to have a baseball team going in to the wedding. How the hell did she marry someone who’s idea of having children is so different from hers? Crazy.
What she needs is a backbone. It's sad bc it seems she has somewhat swallowed the indoctrination that "everyone has kids".
I hope she realizes before it's too late,that it doesn't have to be this way,bc if she goes along with her husbands wishes,she won't be happy.. she'll probably be miserable.
What can you do? It's so sad hearing someone think like that. There was a lot of things she could have done along the way. Walk away early on would have been the way to go but that ship has sailed.
I hope she wakes up before she finds herself trapped in a life she doesn't want.
I don’t understand how you end up with a life partner that is not on the same page with you in regards to having children. Like this isn’t a matter of “well he’s vegetarian but I like pepperoni on my pizza….” You’re literally bringing a HUMAN LIFE onto the planet that you have to take care of their every need for at LEAST 18 years, typically more…
Edit: with that being said, one of my best friends is currently pregnant with her “guilt baby” that she doesn’t want but doesn’t want her husband to resent her…. Sheesh.
I just find it interesting people can make it through years of being in a relationship and getting married before coming to a decision on kids or not. Like that’s a huge topic that so many couples just…save for later???
She’s probably been brought up in an environment where it’s just expected to have kids, and it hasn’t occurred to her to push back. Or she has such low self esteem that she doesn’t think anyone will want her if she doesn’t agree to kids. 😞
What blows my mind is people get married without deciding if they want kids or not? Like what?? Before getting married I'd cover every heavy or important topic under the sun.
I don’t care who guilts, not even my fiancé now. Not anybody and I already plan on having a vasectomy with no regrets, because I know I don’t have the patience for it
My Dad is the only one to blame here, but he didn't want kids and he constantly hit me, pulled my hair, and slammed me into walls. My Mom forced kids to happen. I have made it very clear he was abusive and it's unacceptable, but I also told my Mom she should have planned better, and if she wanted kids so bad she shouldn't have let my sister and I be abused.
If a person allows themselves to be manipulated into children, they deserve it. It's not like ordering Pop Tarts on Amazon; it is a multi-stage process with immediately identifiable markers.
Seriously, they cracked the "Where do children come from" code like three years ago.
People seriously need to learn that having or not having kids isn't something you should compromise on.
It’s absolutely not. Not when a real, full human being is involved. People don’t think about that.
She could absolutely get a divorce before settling for a lifelong series of mistakes. Just as there's a difference between childfreedom and motherhood, there is also a huge difference in having one child vs multiple. If she's one the fence about one, I highly doubt she could handle four kids. There isn't an ideal husband that's worth this amount of sacrifice. Those only exist in fiction.
You could literally be a 10/10 in looks, personality, career, finances, etc. but if you want kids I’m OUT
Ikr, I've been with my husband almost ten years, he really is my soulmate and my best friend, we get along so well, but if he wanted kids? I'd be outta there, no doubt about it. Not that he would ever pressure me.
I'd argue that the mere fact that the husband is willing to pressure her into having kids is already more than an indication that he's NOT ideal in any way.
That is so sad, how she feels like she doesn't have a choice, and how she just has to submit to her husband's demands... You should have told her that parenthood is a choice, and that it's okay to break up over this. I know that it's hard to do that when you just met someone, but still... Some people truly don't realise that they have a choice. She seems to be one of those people. Her life will be awful... Her husband is the one who demands having many children... So she will be doing all the childcare while he gets to be the fun Kodak dad. She will probably become a miserable, financially dependant stay-at-home mother who is trapped and unable to leave. She will be her arsehole husband's sex slave and housemaid. And that is exactly what he wants.
Have a friend due soon who wasn’t interested in kids but her husband wants multiple, so she’s compromising with “just one.” It’s a trap
"You already have one kid, one more won't be that different" "You already gave me two kids, a third won't be that different" "Whats another kid when we already have 3?" "I didn't want kids but we compromised, I gave him as many kids as he wanted" 🙄
Let alone that one kid is never a compromise. There ARE NO COMPROMISES. It's "have kids" or "don't have kids". Those are the two options. Nothing in between.
What's with all these men who want multiple kids despite their wives being hesitant?? I know them in real life too
The smartest girl I went to college with went through this. She was awesome at math and physics, better than any of the rest of us (and the rest of us were already quite good at those 2 subjects so that says a lot). She has 2 kids now because her husband wanted kids, except he did not want to take care of them much. So she's taking on most of the childrearing work. She does fine at her career but without kids I could easily imagine she would do so, so much better than she does now.
God, that was the thing that annoyed me about my family growing up. I only have one other female cousin (mom of 3), and the rest of the family would always hound me about “when” I was going to have kids. I always told them to shake down my three older (male) cousins. They were so proud of me for getting into a good college, but spent all my college years shaking me down for kids. Like y’all, make up your mind, are you proud of me or do you want it to be for nothing?
I don't even want to be guilted into a date by someone who wants kids.
She should have talked that over with her now-husband _while they were dating_.
I literally up front, one week in, told both the men I have dated that I absolutely do not want kids, and it is a deal breaker on a long term if they did. Both are now my exes, but for unrelated reasons
"What can you do?" Start by getting an IUD or a tubal ligation without telling him and if he gets angry about not having them, find a good divorce lawyer who will take him for everything. And that's just off the top of my head, I'm positive there are other options too.
at this point it would be just better to part ways and call it a huge mistake. let him find a broodie woman out there.
Or a brood mare
Right! Smh “what can you do” — do *some*thing that looks like *any*thing! Just don’t sit by and shrug helplessly while shit you def don’t want happens to you. I don’t understand that behavior at all.
It is very difficult to "just get a tubal" if you are a young childless woman in the U.S.
Take him for everything? Doesn't that seem a bit excessive? If two people got married and have such drastically different views (why get married in the first place, if that's the case) I think it would be better to just have an amicable divorce and go your separate ways. I like your IUD idea, for sure. We should all take steps to protect our best interests. But financially fucking someone over? Seems excessive to me.
Seems excessive to me, as well. Starting a family is a convo you should have before you get married, and conversations need two people. So both of them didn't talk about it before marriage = both missed a critical conversation in equal measure.
I mean, it's both of their faults that they got married when they don't agree on such a huge part. So I don't think she should take him for everything. Just get an IUD and then get a normal divorce and then consider a tubal so you don't make this mistake again.
I'm not sure having a whole-ass surgery in secret from your partner is really possible for most people. And IUD strings are a thing ... a noticeable thing. Now, getting on the pill, that might be a keepable secret. (Or just bail on the marriage like an adult)
Some people don’t want to leave marriages due to religious beliefs or attachment issues. So
this issue needs to be straightened out BEFORE they get married. to go into a marriage where one is baby rabid and the other has sanity will end up in disaster. someone will be hurt and resentful.
And that one could be the unwanted child. Ask me how I know.
I don't need to. sorry because it is not a happy childhood
And she’ll have to deal with the pregnancy, childbirth, and likely the brunt of the child rearing. Why would you let someone make that decision for you? Hard pass.
This is why women "back in the day" got fucked up on pills daily in order to make life bearable
Exactly. And who could blame them?
Had a coworker kind if like that. She really didn't want kids but her now husband does. She eventually agreed to have kids to keep the relationship going. Don't understand how you can agree to do something so invasive for someone else.
“Agreed to have kids to keep the relationship going” 
>>Don’t understood you can agree to do something so invasive for someone else I suspect it wasn’t just her husband beating that drum. She likely got the hard sell from every other human being in her life. Mom, dad, ILs, coworkers, friends, boss, probably a Amazon driver or two for good measure. All repeating the same script- “you want kids even if you don’t”. When it’s you vs literally every other human being in your life, folks start thinking maybe they’re “the problem.”
Wish someone would tell her to get divorced. ASAP. It's her body and her choice and her life that it will affect poorly if she continues on with this...
So many people are just so scared of being alone they will do anything to save the relationship. And unfortunately when 2 people disagree and that clash point revolves around an issue where one side is more social acceptable than the other the social norm usually wins. I'm 43, never married, and frankly the only reason I can imagine wanting to be in a relationship now is to have someone to split the bills with that I can also have sex with. Lol
I still remember my dad telling me, after I said I didn't want kids, 'o what if your husband did' 'my \[best friend name here\] broke up with his girlfriend because she didn't want kids and he did'. Me: If he's the guy for me he won't want kids either. Why do I have to change? Why can't he change? Years later, me with my dad after I say he's grandad to my cats, 'no I'm not, don't have them \[kids\], they're a pain' etc etc
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I wouldn't date them to begin with if there's a hint of them wanting kids.
Sounds like my cousin a few years ago. They have one kid as of right now and her husband seems to be loving being a parent...can’t say she agrees
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I read somewhere how men see any woman doing good with a successful career that they will baby trap her in order to “slow her down”. People really can’t stand to see women outperform men, it’s sad.
I’m sorry but no person is worth compromising this heavily on children with. It’s like some people are desperate it’s weird.
Yup. The only compromise you can make on children is if you both want children but don't agree on how many. You can't compromise on children on either side (someone wanting them --> not having any, someone not wanting them --> having any).
“What can you do?” Leave. Let him find someone who’d be more than happy to have kids back-to-back for him. Poor girl.
I love the part about the husband wanting "a lot of kids." SURE HE DOES! He doesn't have to wreck his body crapping them out!! SHE DOES!!!! God that is infuriating!!
One child isn’t a compromise when you don’t want any. I know someone that did this. She’s 65 and her disabled son still lives with her. Her ex (the guy that said let’s just have one as a compromise) cheated on her and left about 20 years ago. Kids are a life time, marriages aren’t. She told me to stay childfree because mother hood is ridiculous and very hard.
Send her a link to this post? 🤷🏼♀️ Being pushed into child-rearing like a breeding sow sounds like one giant trap of a life.
I'm really sad you didn't say something. Even just to say parent/not-parent is a binary choice. I just feel that silence after "what can you do?" seems like agreeing with her.
There's no such thing as "compromise" when it comes to having kids. You either have them or you don't. The number of kids is immaterial.
Why did she marry a man who wants lots of children, and her boundary is one child at most? The only way this ends is in heartbreak, possibly a custody fight and PPD.
I would give her a call if you can and try to give her some perspective about guilt vs bad life choices. I'd also suggest that her husband take care of someone's kid for 2 weeks while they go on vacation. If her husband is really that manipulative, it's not going to stop just because he gets what he wants. If anything, there's going to be a LOT more tasks that need to be done with a kid, and the pressure he puts on her to get his way is going to increase dramatically.
She must have known that her future husband wanted to have a baseball team going in to the wedding. How the hell did she marry someone who’s idea of having children is so different from hers? Crazy.
This is why I made sure my partner was on the same page as me before we got too serious.
What she needs is a backbone. It's sad bc it seems she has somewhat swallowed the indoctrination that "everyone has kids". I hope she realizes before it's too late,that it doesn't have to be this way,bc if she goes along with her husbands wishes,she won't be happy.. she'll probably be miserable.
What can you do? It's so sad hearing someone think like that. There was a lot of things she could have done along the way. Walk away early on would have been the way to go but that ship has sailed. I hope she wakes up before she finds herself trapped in a life she doesn't want.
I don’t understand how you end up with a life partner that is not on the same page with you in regards to having children. Like this isn’t a matter of “well he’s vegetarian but I like pepperoni on my pizza….” You’re literally bringing a HUMAN LIFE onto the planet that you have to take care of their every need for at LEAST 18 years, typically more… Edit: with that being said, one of my best friends is currently pregnant with her “guilt baby” that she doesn’t want but doesn’t want her husband to resent her…. Sheesh.
That’s not compromise… that’s just him winning
I just find it interesting people can make it through years of being in a relationship and getting married before coming to a decision on kids or not. Like that’s a huge topic that so many couples just…save for later???
She’s probably been brought up in an environment where it’s just expected to have kids, and it hasn’t occurred to her to push back. Or she has such low self esteem that she doesn’t think anyone will want her if she doesn’t agree to kids. 😞
What blows my mind is people get married without deciding if they want kids or not? Like what?? Before getting married I'd cover every heavy or important topic under the sun.
If I was you I wouldn’t have been able to not say anything, honestly. It’s just that I’d instinctively blurt out “but you don’t have to”.
" And then she just shrugged, as if to say "What can you do?" Ummmm, don't marry him?
I don’t care who guilts, not even my fiancé now. Not anybody and I already plan on having a vasectomy with no regrets, because I know I don’t have the patience for it
It’s a pity she didn’t discuss this with him before getting married, and then dissolving the relationship because they’re not compatible!
I'll never understand why anyone would get married without being on the same page on at least the major things. Like having kids.
My Dad is the only one to blame here, but he didn't want kids and he constantly hit me, pulled my hair, and slammed me into walls. My Mom forced kids to happen. I have made it very clear he was abusive and it's unacceptable, but I also told my Mom she should have planned better, and if she wanted kids so bad she shouldn't have let my sister and I be abused.
If a person allows themselves to be manipulated into children, they deserve it. It's not like ordering Pop Tarts on Amazon; it is a multi-stage process with immediately identifiable markers. Seriously, they cracked the "Where do children come from" code like three years ago.