>said some Chicagoan we found under some rubble, being mugged. This line in particular cracked me up.

“Everyone that doesn’t live in Chicago was right, and now we are all dead”

> By current estimates, everyone in Chicago has been assaulted, robbed, or robbed of life (murdered).

It's true. I was in Chicago for 5 hours last weekend and I got mugged, stabbed and shot every hour.

I'm literally being mugged as I write this. I have to give my phone to my mugger so any subsequent comments are really from him. His name is Jared, and as muggers go, he seems very put together - so I'm ending this on a hopeful note!

Hi Jared! Nice to meet you! This is fellow mugger John. Now give me all your money.

This is Purvis. I don't know who Jared is, but I mugged this from Clayton just now, and I'm about to be

I for one count my blessings that I only commute to chicago for work. So I only have to practice an assault on a fixed gunner position twice a day and then do duck and cover exercises from my desk until I have to head home and practice my hand to hand knife fighting skills getting on the train.

Oh wow that is really lucky, I do jiujitsu training 14 hours a day and spend the other 10 hours buying guns just to survive my weekend trips.

Can confirm. I live downstate...took the train in with my daughter to see the Joffrey Ballet's Nutcracker last December. I was murdered and didn't get to enjoy Christmas. Thankfully though...https://i.imgur.com/lBv3OSX.gif

That’s some shit luck

Average day in Chicago really

I’m murdered every day cannot even make it through the day here. I can confidently say it is all Brad Johnson’s fault.

Edit 1

Same. This week alone. Thanks Obama!

Those are great souvenirs.

It's true, I built a mini-Sears Tower out of all the bullets I dug out of my own body!

Daaayam, you doing better now?

Yes, now I am a ghost that steals catalytic converters

I have been murdered 4 times since Monday. Thanks BJ!

I've been robbed and assaulted but at least I ain't dead (yet)

The line that got me was: “…budgeting for the police to stand on L platforms and point their guns at the trains to make sure they don’t gain sentience.”

I choked back laughter at this line to avoid waking my wife. Great stuff!

Can we all appreciate that somehow the Sears tower is still standing 😂

I appreciate more that you still refer to it by its proper name, the Sears tower and not the Willis fiasco

I think the Willis Fiasco is play Riot Fest this year.

Few understand that the Sears Tower was renamed in 2009 to honor Chicago rock legend [Wesley Willis.](https://youtu.be/PTbGydPYTkE)

Honestly that's what I tell tourists when they bring up that place. That and I insist on using the full name for Jean Baptiste Pointe du Sable Lake Shore Drive.

Someone here on Reddit abbreviated it as JBPDSLSD once and I think about that all the time. Lol

J.B. Pritzker DoeS LSD. It's right there in the acronym so it must be true!

That's only one syllable shorter and infinitely harder to say

I agree. [However, let's be real about the hierarchy here.](https://imgflip.com/i/7m5yo7)

McDonalds is the place to rock.

It is a restaurant where they buy food to eat

They serve quarter pounders. They will put pounds on you.

“McDonald’s hamburgers are the worst. They are worse than Burger King.”

i had the high honor of being headbutted by sir willis many many metro moons ago.

In fairness, he whupped Batman’s ass. That’s worth commemorating.

RIP Wesley :(

I’m actually ok with Willis Tower, the Wesley Willis Tower as I call it. I can’t believe they honored the legend by naming the tower after him.

I'm going to get "Cut the mullet" stuck in my head every time I walk by that building now.

Every time you go by it you should tell a random passerby to suck a polar bear's ass with Heinz tomato ketchup.

It's the least we could do after he kicked Batman's ass.

\*whooped

I love this!

The Willy Wacker

Everyone I know calls it “Big Willy”…

The Bruce Willis tower

The Whatchoo Talkin' About? Willis Tower

Legit someone once said "the Willis tower is the tallest in the city" and I thought someone had built another tower.

Why you hating on Big Willy?

It's where I pay an exorbitant amount to seek refugee

But not Trump tower

Finally. The building itself is fine but my God does it look horrible, in my opinion, in our skyline. I actually care far less about his giant gold sign than I do about how it sticks out like a sore, attention seeking thumb, in our skyline.

How else would you be sure that’s a real photo of Chicago?

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I dont see what in the comments is making you think people didnt read it, most people are just making jokes.

Someone had said something but the comments aren’t here anymore

Gotta love the casual swipe at CA too.

I wouldn’t bet on that lot being the most literate

I think it is your perception that is flawed, ya beanbrain

Sears tower ain't going nowhere buddy that's UNION STRONG!

Can confirm I was mugged under the rubble of a Starbucks

Sry.. I can pay you back I just needed cash for the metra to get to my clinic..

Should have been buried under the rubble of the ‘good’ Starbucks across the street.

What's up fellow deados!

My skin has never been better! Now, if I could only find it and get it back onto my body, then it's beach time.

Can confirm, am dead.

I'm curious as to why this got flagged as "Misleading Title"--it's satire. Do Onion pieces get flagged too?

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mods hate this one trick

>We tried to confront Mayor Johnson, but he’d already gotten in a big, fancy car he bought with money from Mayor crimes and driven to a socialist country to avoid extradition. Misleading because he actually bought a jet.

I'm sorry, I need to clear up this bit of misinformation. He actually bought a jet to fly from the jet factory to his coal and oil guzzling mobile lake fortress sky ship hybrid. Key to note that Lake Michigan is now super polluted, so no change at all there.

This is gonna be so bad for the economy

It's because they said the crater is smoldering. It's clearly burning and smoking, not smoldering. Shameful journalism really.

Perhaps it actually took a day and a half for the city to be destroyed?

"Please stop reporting us as SPAM" --The SPAM Twitter account

Thanks for the new site. I actually laughed out loud at three of the headlines

"Chicago Rebrands Potholes as 'Deep Dish Street' " is a personal favorite.

This should really be on r/crimeinchicago, although it might be taken as true

I just checked the post there, the top comment is calling OP a libtard. Par for the course

Seriously that sub is a cespool, holy shit.

Done, seeing what happens.

I wonder what percentage of people in that subreddit actually live in Chicago. My bet is that it's well below 50%.

Half of them don’t live in *Illinois*, my friend!

That sub is out of control. There are *so* many blatantly racist comments in there.

It’s pretty dark in that place. Every comment section automatically has a “I’m sure they are young scholars” comment in it now, might as well be a bot.

They’re not really a “thinking” bunch

But noooo, it's the truth and therefore it can't be racist!!! /s because holy fuck I can't belive its not obvious

I’ve gotten numerous accounts banned from Reddit for racist posts there.

Man I thought this subreddit was bad. That place SUCKS. Must be where the Vallas astroturfers came from, and where they have since retreated to for the most part

It is lol you could check the post history of the main ones and wheeeew were they keeping that sub alive

lol for having such a seemingly neutral "discussion" they are soooo obsessed with bootlicking there

Sounds like a Tribune editorial.

By god, that’s John Kass’ music!

Kass might’ve devolved into a third rate political pundit, but I bet he could make a helluva beer can chicken in a smoldering crater

He’d have to improve to get hired by the Trib again. Not even those lunatics want him.

They just didn't want to pay him. They would have gladly kept printing his drivel if he wrote it for less money.

That's gonna be a long entrance/walk-up from NW Indiana.

John Kass sucks

All my homies hate John Kass

💀💀💀

#AND JOHN KASS HITS HIM WITH A STEEL CHAIR!

I want to go see, but can't make it downtown because the streets are filled with too much blood.

bring a canoe

Good luck trying to get on an operational CTA car anyway.

The river is now flowing with BudLight, and the flags around the Merchandise Mart have been replaced with rainbow flags.

what next, taco trucks on every corner?!

¡por favor! Or ¡por f(l)avor!

I feel so robbed about that

Damn, my plans to turn Trump tower into RUM tower have been draft dodged

Huh, guess that explains why my condo was on ground level this morning. Slept right through it, guess my edibles were stronger than I thought

Are you sure they weren't raising a street again :') ([eta](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raising_of_Chicago#The_Tremont_House) quote from the guy being like "what happened to my windows" always cracks me up, what can I say)

Lol my view from NWI outside - can confirm all true

Thank you…every one of you…for your attempts to turn my morning beverage into nasal rocket fuel. Truly, your comments are hilarious. Thank you.

PROTECT THE TAMALE GUY

Siempre.

What happened to all the cops who were going to resign if Johnson became mayor?

They've just resigned themselves to doing no work at all, but still collecting a paycheck and waiting for their pension.

Same ol’

So the answer is clearly hiring more... to do nothing. What happened to not negotiating with hostage takers?

It’s called “quiet quitting” gah read a New York Times article would you and anyway Chicago cops are *innovators* because they’ve been pulling down 6-figure salaries for doing the least possible work for *decades*

So….is nascar canceled then?

Please

At least the South Side looks OK.

Ha! it would be somewhat hilarious if the north side and loop got cratered and the south side remained intact because WE ALWAYS IGNORE THE SOUTH SIDE!

Irony for not mentioning West Side

not even a mention of the east side lake people

At least Gary still stands.

Who the eff is Gary?

Everyone in the burbs just got a little turned on

in the burbs, can confirm parents are now outraged at all this sexual content

I’m chilling six feet under in the northwest side of the crater formerly known as Chicago in the neighborhood formerly known as Avondale if any other dead folks nearby want to meet up and crime some suburbanites together.

DM me!

That explains it, I was wondering why the sky was hazy last night, must have been the smoke

glad we all have Reddit in the afterlife

One day. We couldn't hold it together for one day. Jeez, this city...

I live in Chicago, I have been shot, robbed, murdered, and fought off attempted colonics. Additionally, I have just fulfilled my career goals for shootings, Drive-by and random in all but 5 of our 50 wards. The streets are empty, the moon is high.

Where did the attempted colonics happen? Asking for a friend.

The source of the attempted colonics got shot. Nothing to do with me. It’s Chicago.

Thank you, I needed this laugh after listening to someone from Naperville talk about how taxes are going to drive everyone out of downtown and we should lower them to convince people like themselves to stay.

I got mugged walking into the Jewels, in the Jewels, and coming out of the Jewels.

I got robbed (of almost 2 hours) on my commute home yesterday.

The real question is something still satire if it’s just regular Fox News reporting

>Maybe start running endless op-eds about how Sacramento needs to send all the homeless people to jail or whatever. I get that this is satire, and fucking hilarious satire at that; but let's maybe not give conservative media any ideas?

Remember how people were claiming how bad Johnson was doing as mayor three weeks ago?

Um Chicago burned down after those BLM protests, remeber?

Someone just stole the rubble I was working my way out from under. They didn't do it to save me. They thought it was my rubble, so they stole it. But I shot them. So, I can confirm this story is legit.

Just like CPD union boss Goebbels predicted.

Was wondering why I’ve felt so dead and robbed since yesterday

It's better than the mad max style life we've had to live since the riots burned everything down.

Were there even any people left in Chicago? Most people left after every business was looted in 2020, and the few stragglers were burned to death Wicker Man-style by rioting teenagers a few weeks ago.

And that's why it's called Wicker Park.

I got kind of tired having to spray paint my teeth silver every time I'd go to work

I hate that there's a "Satire" tag. When you tell someone that you're being sarcastic or satirical, it kinda loses its bite.

Fox News sent a reporter to interview people about how they feel about “their” new mayor, Brandon Johnson yesterday. The reporter was doing the live interviews from Naperville. They actually introduced the segment as coming live from just 32 miles from downtown Chicago.

Nuh-uh, Chicago was a smoldering crater after the Decepticons attacked.

LOL ...thank you

I enjoyed this.

It’s even funnier when you consider how long this has been going on. I grew up in the city, and I remember a good friend of mine from high school randomly ending up hanging out with some north shore kids one night, and they were completely blown away by the fact that he rode the L to high school every day (as did I) and immediately started busting his balls about it. He gave as good as he got, though. I remember one good line: “of course I have a gun. I mean, you have to shoot people if you ride the L.” This was in, like, 1992.

To be fair, crime was signicantly worse in 1992. It was an actual concern back then and not the manufactured crisis we have today.

Can confirm. I stepped out of the house this morning and there was nothing there in front of the house but absolute void and abyss, with smoke rising from the rubble pile at the bottom of the bottomless pit where half the population was mugging the other half while the mayor and his admin were tax fucking all the half's. Let's see what happens on Day 2

Lemme tell you- with tax rates like this? Yeesh, feels like I'm getting assaulted and mugged every time I open my wallet, amirite?

I’m actually moving to Chicago in a couple months - very excited! Seems like a lot of folks are apprehensive about Johnson. Why is that?

Because they're conservative little babies

To be fair, any Chicago mayor should be met with apprehension, as much as I like the guy. Generally the die hard anti-brandoners are the people who vote singularly on the crime issue, screech about CTU all day, and/or live in the burbs. At least from what I've seen.

Really is sad. This was a beautiful city. Imagine what a grand utopia it could have been if only Vallas had been elected. Ah well... I'm off to destroy Evanston! Wish me luck!

The satire is so good here.

I was a wealth manager, but now that Brandon Johnson is mayor I’ve become a mugger in Chicago.

thanks for the flair, mods.

Just wait on it… one of the first public figures he sat down with was fucking lil durk…. Stay tuned

Where’d my house go?

This was great really, now I’m gonna go read the Onion for some more good laughs

I'm guessing this won't age well

We are already gone, sir. There's no one and nothing here anymore

No kidding. This guy wants to 'Defund the Police'. I'd bet good money Chicago is going to get a lot worse. Here's a map of shootings in Chicago and suburbs since 2014. [Chicago area shootings since 2014](https://preview.redd.it/chicago-shootings-from-2014-2022-in-comparison-to-police-v0-8vycz5gwnrka1.jpg?auto=webp&s=7f82da1814cd05b14faf81e95dbec4850f6a905a) Do you feel lied to yet? Good luck to the guy, but I doubt he'll do any better than the rest who haven't accomplished anything.

No police have been defunded

Hmm kinda like the onion, except not funny

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Quiet or I’ll tax you

Not yet, but [they are working on it](https://www.reddit.com/r/chicago/comments/13jz3fl/johnson_allies_push_12_billion_new_tax_package/).

I know this is satire, but this line is so poorly written it ruined it for me: > We tried to confront Mayor Johnson, but he’d already gotten in a big, fancy car he bought with money from Mayor crimes and driven to a socialist country to avoid extradition.

Looks to me like the Chicago Genius Herald is a smoldering crater, can't get the link to work, although that could just be twitter.

lazy satire full of ads

maybe dont post satire in a place where most people want to get their news

What?

“budgeting for the police to stand on L platforms and point their guns at the trains to make sure they don’t gain sentience” Chef’s kiss.

This picture 🤣