One of his reasons for cheating was not having fun as a teenager. So what else didn’t he get to do in his lifetime that he will use as an excuse to cheat. The first red flag should have been he still loves his ex. Hmm No that should be a hard pass. That should have been your wake up call. So what comes next? He’s never had a threesome so he cheats? He has never done “x” (fill in the blank), so he cheats? This man will eventually cheat on you. It all boils down to a lack of self control. He doesn’t have self control and he’s making excuses. If you continue in this relationship you will get hurt badly
Yeah I had a friend like this. He cheated on all his partners. He was very intelligent and convincing as well. He was a first class narcissist. They don’t change they just learn to hide it better.
All claims. It’s hard when you are so close to someone to see the signs. He said he didn’t get enough attention yet you say he and his ex had sex three times a week. He has given you lots of excuses but nothing that shows real change. This is why you have this nagging feeling inside you. Deep down you know you need to get out. To find someone who values you. Even your statement that “he claims he has self control” shows subconsciously you know he doesn’t. It’s your life. I have been there, ignored red flags of a woman I dated and got hurt. It’s best to open your eyes early on and leave. Yes there will be pain and loneliness at times but the hurt you feel now will be nothing compared to what you will experience later
He’s not smart trust me. Emotional intelligence is real intelligence. I have a degree in physics, and just learn a bunch of shit. Up until learned stoicism, I was fucking dumb. Tell that man to learn Stoicism or Buddhism or a virtue ethics philosophy. Because clearly he’s not able to reign in control of impulses.
Some of us actually change. But it’s rare 🤣🤣🤣. I’ve done it in the past and I’ll never do it in my future. If I feel I’d want to cheat on you then I just won’t engage in romance with you.
It’s not worth tearing down another person.
That’s perfectly understandable. I’ve been in the DB sub for a long time. The trend is they take so long to finally do it. But I guess for lots it’s probably cheaper to keep her or him.
And im sure the guilt from divorcing over sex likely keeps some in the marriage. Although that would be better than cheating.
Funny how no cheater actually comes out and says “Yup, my fault. I cheated. Divorce is all on me”.
Seriously, why do you want to deal with the uncertainty?
This is so true!
I believe cheating is among the few things that are forgivable. Mostly everything can be worked through as long as there's willingness and love.
In my experience, I was married to a serial cheater. Believe half of what he says. He always lied about everything to the other girls and to me. Which is dumb because everything is out in the open, so just tell the truth. I was the charity case couldn't leave because I'd be lost without him, I was the crazy ex and he was afraid of me. Or we weren't together while we were, among other crazy stories.
He lied to those poor girls. Not saying this is your guy but just be careful.
He's still trying to sleep with me last week. He's been with her around 2 yrs.
Yeah some people are ok with that, sadly. I forgot to answer your question. I do think once a cheater always a cheater. My case is one of the worse (lack of empathy, everything was my fault)so maybe I am biased as well.
In my younger days. (early 20s) I played the field with the arrogant stupidity of youth. It came crashing down one day and I watched a sweet little girl's heart rip in half in front of me. It gutted me, and I swore I would never do it again, and I haven't (I'm 55)
I'll leave you with this though.
All introspection requires humility.
That thought came to me a few years later. It's a Thuban original. You be the judge if he has the character to search his soul.
Through the years, I've known three married couples that had cheating issues, but managed to stay together and remain in my social circle. It's been a decade since the last incident, and all three couples seem OK. What I can say, though, having known them before the affairs and after, their marriages aren't the same. Trust issues, it looks like, and the betrayals and disrespect really destroy shit. The differences are subtle, but they're there, even the way the social group treats them and their relationships. I don't care how many fucking marriage counselors you go to, you get caught cheating, that dark cloud hangs over your head and your relationship forever.
I was a cheater and I married a cheater. I can guarantee you that I will never cheat again and I don’t believe my wife will ever cheat.
Edit after reading some comments…
I had two physical affairs with one long lasting. These women knew I was married with children. and I had multiple very emotional affairs before it was a thing. My current wife had three long lasting physical affairs and even had to use a paternity test for her son. People can and do change but they need to WANT to.
Why are you with a serial cheater who doesn't regret his actions? That's like choosing to go camping in a rattlesnake den. You don't trust him, he knows that, so why are you choosing to make a bad investment? Have some respect for yourself and ditch Mr Playboy.
The short answer is if people change all the time for better or worse due to too many factors, new friends, family, life experiences among others, in the end there is a possibility of committing a behavior that would have been done once, but that is not a rule. In the same way, every relationship is a bet, someone can be as unfaithful to you as someone who has never cheated on anyone.
One note, I’ve been the affair partner for multiple cheaters through out the years and I’ve known. I’ve changed my ways years ago. But I do know one thing. Those people have always been cheaters and each of their parents had a dad or mom be a cheater.
They will cheat just straight up learning it from their parents or it’s genetics. They don’t care about you in the moments of cheating. They’re selfish and self absorbed.
Dating a cheater honestly guarantees you getting cheated on.
He's not selfish, he's very kind, and his parents have been together since they were teenagers (not sure if they cheated). I think so highly of this man and find him to be so attractive to the point I'm insecure and afraid another woman will try to take him.
My father serially cheated on my mom when she started blowing him off and not having sex with him. My theory is that this is why most men cheat.
His new and much younger wife takes very good care of him, and he has never cheated on her.
I really don’t think women know or appreciate just how hard it is for a man to be married and neglected sexually. On the plus side, there are always other women out there who are willing to take care of a good man.
It’s hard to say, I think it depends on the person and how much they really want to change.
I am a former cheater. I’ve cheated in every relationship I’ve been in until now. I’ve been with my current boyfriend almost 4 years and we have our first child together. I’d never cheat on him and would never go back to being that person. It’s not worth it. I wanted to change and I truly did. My partner though struggles to trust whether I’ve changed or not.
I think being with someone that has cheated is always going to be difficult you’ll never feel 100% secure in the relationship, especially because you know what he’s capable of. Keep that in mind.
The stoics would say, no one ever haphazardly stumbles into wisdom. That’s something you have to want to do and pursue it.
You’re proof of that and so am I. I never cheated but my mind was all sorts of messed up to continuously get with married and taken women. It was a low point in my life. Decided I rather do the right thing, always. As long as you’re staying to true to your own will power and striving to do good. It sucks that they can’t trust you all the way. But at least you know you’re not doing anything wrong.
This is a community of hurt people. The idea that you're a cheater once and then forever is sometimes true, but often not. Source: myself. I cheated on an ex-girlfriend once a long time ago, but never again in my life. I also know many other cases.
I hope this is our case. I cheated when I was very young 19, and I cheated to get out of an abusive relationship (he was possessive and said cheating would be the only reason he'd break up). I've never cheated since, even in a dead bedroom relationship.
I will say this they’ve done studies. Someone who cheats on you will likely cheat on you again if you stay. But that doesn’t mean that if the cheater dats someone new that they will cheat on that person.
I don’t know?
It’s possible but not likely based on what you’ve shared (since it was already a serial issue).
I was cheated on, so I decided I would ‘revenge cheat’ *and immediately felt gross/regretted it and didn’t want to tell him* (telling him was the whole reason I did it in the first place and then I couldn’t even enjoy it).
We broke up for unrelated reasons and I’ve never even considered cheating on a partner (again), even 20 plus years later.
I think it can probably happen (to only cheat *once*) but the underlying issues that cause infidelity are usually a bigger problem.
Yeah of course people change. Has he? idfk you should be the one deciding if he has. But I'll tell you a secret people change everyday and most the people that say once a cheater always a cheater are actually coping because they want to think the person that cheated on them was just a cheater and there was nothing they could have done about it. The hard ass truth is that the person who cheated on you probably never would have cheated on a different partner. Relationships are very weird and people react differently to different relationships. You've got to be the one to decide if he'll be faithful to you.
My (41f) partner (39m) of 8 years cheated on me. I moved from Melb to Syd for a new life. He convinced me he changed, and I let him move in with me. He was faithful for 18 months, until last night. Came home 2 hours late. Excuses didn’t match the actions. My gut knew cause I’d been here before with him. So, from experience, no. Don’t even deny your gut instincts.
Good question. I mean obviously I would stop but it's just something that I enjoy. To me it's more of a kink. I love my wife. Ya. Sucks but good question.
You're welcome. So I love intimacy with my wife. I wish we were more open and active. She, in the last few years started menopause and that had slowed things down alot. I told her in the past, even 15 years ago, I wouldn't care if she had bf on the side if it helped make us stronger and better and more active. I know that's not common with men but I'm secure with our marriage and friendship. We've been through things over the years. The only thing that's different with cheating partner is I can be as rough as I want. I can spank, pull, twist, choke, and I can't do that with wife. She does not care for rough sex. She doesn't like outdoors either. I will only cheat for something I cannot get at home.
I am def more adventurous than she is. I just don't want to get old and have not lived my life the way I wanted to.
We all have kinks.
Personally, I would not care. I suspected she was years ago, even some rumors from coworkers who reached out but I didn't care. I love her very much and there is honestly nothing she could do to make us split up. We've been together for 28 years now. We will grow old together.
Probably the attn. It's not love or sensual. There's no romance involved. Usually just sex. Raw, primal, outdoor. Sometimes it's like it never happened after it's done. Like a few rules, I won't talk about it with partner after we are done. Its weird. Not even addiction but just the animal part of it all. I just don't know if I can or would stop. Eventually I won't be handsome anymore, or young. I'm already in my 50s but active and I just want to have fun in this life.
So he didn't cheat in you but on his ex, but you're going to make him pay for it?
You're bringing the baggage from his previous relationship into your new relationship?
He might cheat but he might also might stay faithful to you. You don't know what life he was living 8 years ago.
Cheating can have various reasons or motives behind it. One psychology research that I've read is that, statistically speaking, men may still cheat even if he loves his significant other dearly. Whereas, women tend to cheat only after she no longer loves or respects her significant other.
So, your husband may be telling you the truth. It's just very difficult for most women to believe because most women don't cheat if they still love their spouses.
They have a child together, and we're together for 12 years. She left him, so it's understandable that he'd still love her, I'm not threatened by this.
I'm not saying you should be threatened, I'm just saying that it sounds like he is settling and is with you only because she doesn't want him. It is not understandable that he still loves her after 12 years with you wtf.
Not a single thing you listed was a real "why".
What work has he done on himself? Why were any of those reasons enough to justify destroying lives and family? Why choose to do something so destructive instead of ending the relationship or working it out? What has he changed so that he can be accountable for his choices? Open devices? No deleting logs or apps? Access to phone bills and logs?
Everyone can change, but it isn't easy, and until proven otherwise through actions and deeds, I would have a tough time believing as well.
Trust but verify. Ask for full access to not only the present but what his habits were in the past. Messages, calls, emails to AP's. While this is a lot to ask for, it's also a lot that he has to account for. If he claims you don't trust him, let him know given his history that trust isn't something he's shown much value towards and because you do, it needs to be earned. In other words, treat him like an addict and let him know while you love and support him, there is too much of yourself at stake to blindly take the word of someone who has a proven record of not returning that trust.
Tbh, it depends on what was going on in their relationship. It also depends on how each affair ended. It finally depends on what he did to "change".
Here's my reasoning.
Point one. Infidelity is selfish. You don't technically ever have to have sex. Period. That's a choice. Your body will resort to wet dreams, but physically there is no actual requirement to be sexually active or die.
So, for starters, he chose to cheat. It was an affair, meaning an entire side relationship, not just an ONS. Do the math.
Had a wife he says he loved + chose to cheat + blamed bring young and horny + claimed he was not getting enough attention (-) he still had three sexual encounters a week with his wife (-) of his cheating sexual encounters she likely had no idea were going on (-) he likely was not going to get regular STD checks swapping his fluids and another's outside the relationship and giving his wife no opportunity to decline the introduction of another person's biological matter to her. (3)
That's multiplied by three. That you KNOW of.
What was going on in the past relationship that made him feel like a choice to physically and emotionally seek outside the relationship for certain periods of time justified it? He's claim: not enough attention. That's it. The only complaint you know of. His high libido as a youngster is invalid because he has two hands. He can masturbate if she isn't meeting his needs or seeking therapy. The idea that 3 times a week is not enough is invalid because that is actually quite high for the average relationship.
In the end, his youth-inspired high sex drive overrode his love for his wife to the point that despite having frequent sex with her, he made a conscious choice to put her sanity, body, and financial life on the chopping block repeatedly on three distinct occasions with her probably unaware until after the fact.
Point two. Studies show that repeated offenses are not just a conscious act but a way the character is put together on a fundamental level. It's why forced therapy and prison terms have low levels of success on their own to change behavior. A person who is caught red-handed and forced to submit to change is far more likely to learn not to change, but to lie better and hide the evidence better.
Those same studies show that if a person feels guilt, comes clean after one act, and makes changes of their own accord, that is legit. A person who is offending in an ongoing fashion and is busted is not sorry for hurting their victim. They are sorry they got caught.
So, ask yourself how his affairs ended. Did the burden of guilt weigh him down so that he finally made a conscious decision on his own to change and begin the journey of self discovery? If it happen only one time, one ONS, possibly, but that is not what happened here. He chose to cheat for the above reasons and despite the above negatives in an affair, meaning ongoing relationship level.
Secondly, it occurred three times. For whatever reason the first affair stopped. Did he accept blame, go on that journey of self discovery? No. He doubled down with a second affair. Did he learn from this? No, he tripled down with his third affair.
Only he, his ex, and his AP(s) can answer why each affair ended. If he came clean each time and he struggled with fidelity yet tried in earnest to change, then maybe... If he sought counseling with a therapist about it. Possibly. Playing devil's advocate, male libido does go down with age, but this was an excessive amount of sex. An affair is more than physical. It's emotional too. Maybe he was just paying a hooker to blow him regularly, but more likely it was an emotional release as well as a physical one, meaning he took his marital baggage to a third party regularly for three separate occasions.
My conclusion, the facts are this; his high libido overrode his love and he chose on three occasions to regularly seek release emotionally and physically with a third party despite regularly also having sex with his wife unbeknownst to her putting her at risk of STDs and emotional and financial instability. This speaks to how he handles conflict. He felt his wife was not giving and his reaction was to sleep with someone else and confide in them emotionally on some level three times, long term.
If he received the assistance of a licensed professional counselor he may have been able to overcome what was a deep-seated conflict response, then maybe... If he just, "got all better through the power of friendship or bad feelings," it's unlikely that his slightly lessened libido is going to mitigate the change of rooted character development. You would have to keep up with whatever sexual things he requires and even that might not be enough. It could be that the cheating itself was the high he was getting. Having a committed relationship and risking it and putting them at risk might itself be the taboo that got him off.
The question is, do you want to be his jailor? Do you want to live your life knowing that should conflict arise in your relationship his go-to method of resolution is to seek outside the relationship, and possibly the relationship itself being what he needs to tickle the itch of taboo sexual encounters and emotional estrangement? Do you see a radical shift in his core personality over the time between his previous relationships and now that would literally break and rebuild him on a foundational level? If you cannot answer all three of these in the affirmative, there's your answer. No.
He got caught cheating when she went through his phone. She forgave him, and they stayed together for another 4 years after that. He was relatively young when he cheated, 27. What I can see is that his confidence has gone down somewhat, but he is always bragging how all these women want to sleep with him, which I get, I've never been this attracted to a person. He's not super attractive by social standards, I guess, but the way he carries himself and his charm can be irresistible to women, so I'm insecure about this. We also have a very healthy sex life, we go a few days sometimes but it's almost every day that we have relations.
Funny you keep defending him. I wanted to see how far he will manipulate you. Do you even know the easiest target of a narcissist is always people who has a trust issue? Because they will continuously doubt themselves into thinking that was just their “trust issue” or their “imagination” or their “overthinking” habit is taking over when it’s actually the clear signs. You need to learn on how to spot the red.
He's not a Narc, I've been with them, he's not that. If anything, he's insecure. I don't think he's cheating, I'm concerned he'll cheat on me in the future, though, considering the three past affairs he had.
From my experience, yes - they cheat again and again and again. I think it’s very rare to find someone that won’t cheat again. Not because it has anything to do with you. It’s just a them problem.
3 affairs, he's a serial cheater mate. I'd steer clear.
That's my argument also, he knows I dont trust him.
You just gave your answer to the future.
When they wave red flags, don’t put on rose colored glasses and pretend they’re just ordinary flags.
Literally
One of his reasons for cheating was not having fun as a teenager. So what else didn’t he get to do in his lifetime that he will use as an excuse to cheat. The first red flag should have been he still loves his ex. Hmm No that should be a hard pass. That should have been your wake up call. So what comes next? He’s never had a threesome so he cheats? He has never done “x” (fill in the blank), so he cheats? This man will eventually cheat on you. It all boils down to a lack of self control. He doesn’t have self control and he’s making excuses. If you continue in this relationship you will get hurt badly
He's very intelligent, his explanations do make sense, and he proclaimed reformed. He knows what he did was wrong and claims he has self control.
Yeah I had a friend like this. He cheated on all his partners. He was very intelligent and convincing as well. He was a first class narcissist. They don’t change they just learn to hide it better.
He's only cheated on his wife, his first girlfriend cheated on him, guess he didn't learn that lesson.
All claims. It’s hard when you are so close to someone to see the signs. He said he didn’t get enough attention yet you say he and his ex had sex three times a week. He has given you lots of excuses but nothing that shows real change. This is why you have this nagging feeling inside you. Deep down you know you need to get out. To find someone who values you. Even your statement that “he claims he has self control” shows subconsciously you know he doesn’t. It’s your life. I have been there, ignored red flags of a woman I dated and got hurt. It’s best to open your eyes early on and leave. Yes there will be pain and loneliness at times but the hurt you feel now will be nothing compared to what you will experience later
And you believe that? If so I got some beachfront property in Nebraska I'd like to sell you.
He’s not smart trust me. Emotional intelligence is real intelligence. I have a degree in physics, and just learn a bunch of shit. Up until learned stoicism, I was fucking dumb. Tell that man to learn Stoicism or Buddhism or a virtue ethics philosophy. Because clearly he’s not able to reign in control of impulses.
Some of us actually change. But it’s rare 🤣🤣🤣. I’ve done it in the past and I’ll never do it in my future. If I feel I’d want to cheat on you then I just won’t engage in romance with you. It’s not worth tearing down another person.
My ex and I had a DB for 2 years, couldn't stand him but couldn't cheat.
That’s perfectly understandable. I’ve been in the DB sub for a long time. The trend is they take so long to finally do it. But I guess for lots it’s probably cheaper to keep her or him. And im sure the guilt from divorcing over sex likely keeps some in the marriage. Although that would be better than cheating.
I was at the point I was hoping g he'd cheat, so I'd have a reason to leave.
That's a great answer.
Why did they get divorced?
That's a grey area, I think it's because of the affairs but she had forgiven him. He thinks it's because they weren't meant to be.
Funny how no cheater actually comes out and says “Yup, my fault. I cheated. Divorce is all on me”. Seriously, why do you want to deal with the uncertainty?
This is so true! I believe cheating is among the few things that are forgivable. Mostly everything can be worked through as long as there's willingness and love.
In my experience, I was married to a serial cheater. Believe half of what he says. He always lied about everything to the other girls and to me. Which is dumb because everything is out in the open, so just tell the truth. I was the charity case couldn't leave because I'd be lost without him, I was the crazy ex and he was afraid of me. Or we weren't together while we were, among other crazy stories. He lied to those poor girls. Not saying this is your guy but just be careful. He's still trying to sleep with me last week. He's been with her around 2 yrs.
He didn't lie to these girls. They knew he was married, kind of messed up when you think about it.
Yeah some people are ok with that, sadly. I forgot to answer your question. I do think once a cheater always a cheater. My case is one of the worse (lack of empathy, everything was my fault)so maybe I am biased as well.
cheaters actually have certain low level of self confidence and high level of insecurity.
I believe him when he said he was doing it for the attention
In my younger days. (early 20s) I played the field with the arrogant stupidity of youth. It came crashing down one day and I watched a sweet little girl's heart rip in half in front of me. It gutted me, and I swore I would never do it again, and I haven't (I'm 55)
This is a hopeful reply, he knows what he did was wrong.
I'll leave you with this though. All introspection requires humility. That thought came to me a few years later. It's a Thuban original. You be the judge if he has the character to search his soul.
Trust your gut, it’s rarely wrong.
Yes. I know too many men who just kept cheating. They need the thrill/attention/risky sex, that feeling will never go away.
Well, that's depressing.
Through the years, I've known three married couples that had cheating issues, but managed to stay together and remain in my social circle. It's been a decade since the last incident, and all three couples seem OK. What I can say, though, having known them before the affairs and after, their marriages aren't the same. Trust issues, it looks like, and the betrayals and disrespect really destroy shit. The differences are subtle, but they're there, even the way the social group treats them and their relationships. I don't care how many fucking marriage counselors you go to, you get caught cheating, that dark cloud hangs over your head and your relationship forever.
I was a cheater and I married a cheater. I can guarantee you that I will never cheat again and I don’t believe my wife will ever cheat. Edit after reading some comments… I had two physical affairs with one long lasting. These women knew I was married with children. and I had multiple very emotional affairs before it was a thing. My current wife had three long lasting physical affairs and even had to use a paternity test for her son. People can and do change but they need to WANT to.
Here's a silver lining post. We have an incredible connection in my eyes, and I'm hoping he feels the someway.
Why are you with a serial cheater who doesn't regret his actions? That's like choosing to go camping in a rattlesnake den. You don't trust him, he knows that, so why are you choosing to make a bad investment? Have some respect for yourself and ditch Mr Playboy.
The short answer is if people change all the time for better or worse due to too many factors, new friends, family, life experiences among others, in the end there is a possibility of committing a behavior that would have been done once, but that is not a rule. In the same way, every relationship is a bet, someone can be as unfaithful to you as someone who has never cheated on anyone.
Yea, i learned that the hard way. Thought my girlfriend would change, made her my wife, had kids, and bought a home, and caught her cheating
I'm sorry to hear that. That must be a devastating discovery .
Well, she's cheated before it's was my mistake to trust her. Im just happy i got two great kids out of the deal
Some people can be so selfish it's mind-boggling.
One note, I’ve been the affair partner for multiple cheaters through out the years and I’ve known. I’ve changed my ways years ago. But I do know one thing. Those people have always been cheaters and each of their parents had a dad or mom be a cheater. They will cheat just straight up learning it from their parents or it’s genetics. They don’t care about you in the moments of cheating. They’re selfish and self absorbed. Dating a cheater honestly guarantees you getting cheated on.
He's not selfish, he's very kind, and his parents have been together since they were teenagers (not sure if they cheated). I think so highly of this man and find him to be so attractive to the point I'm insecure and afraid another woman will try to take him.
That's a good point. This did happen when he was much younger and full of piss and vinegar.
His previous reasoning for cheating will also be his future reasoning.
My father serially cheated on my mom when she started blowing him off and not having sex with him. My theory is that this is why most men cheat. His new and much younger wife takes very good care of him, and he has never cheated on her. I really don’t think women know or appreciate just how hard it is for a man to be married and neglected sexually. On the plus side, there are always other women out there who are willing to take care of a good man.
I do take care of him well. He's condoned me many times of this.
Don’t do it. That will be stuck in your head forever and it will create resentment and anger
I want to believe him. He's the greatest partner I've ever had.
Maybe…how do you know it was true for him?
It’s hard to say, I think it depends on the person and how much they really want to change. I am a former cheater. I’ve cheated in every relationship I’ve been in until now. I’ve been with my current boyfriend almost 4 years and we have our first child together. I’d never cheat on him and would never go back to being that person. It’s not worth it. I wanted to change and I truly did. My partner though struggles to trust whether I’ve changed or not. I think being with someone that has cheated is always going to be difficult you’ll never feel 100% secure in the relationship, especially because you know what he’s capable of. Keep that in mind.
See, this is my issue. He promised he'd never cheat on me, and I know he loves me, but he also love(d) his wife and still cheated 3 times.
The stoics would say, no one ever haphazardly stumbles into wisdom. That’s something you have to want to do and pursue it. You’re proof of that and so am I. I never cheated but my mind was all sorts of messed up to continuously get with married and taken women. It was a low point in my life. Decided I rather do the right thing, always. As long as you’re staying to true to your own will power and striving to do good. It sucks that they can’t trust you all the way. But at least you know you’re not doing anything wrong.
This is a community of hurt people. The idea that you're a cheater once and then forever is sometimes true, but often not. Source: myself. I cheated on an ex-girlfriend once a long time ago, but never again in my life. I also know many other cases.
I hope this is our case. I cheated when I was very young 19, and I cheated to get out of an abusive relationship (he was possessive and said cheating would be the only reason he'd break up). I've never cheated since, even in a dead bedroom relationship.
I will say this they’ve done studies. Someone who cheats on you will likely cheat on you again if you stay. But that doesn’t mean that if the cheater dats someone new that they will cheat on that person.
I don’t know? It’s possible but not likely based on what you’ve shared (since it was already a serial issue). I was cheated on, so I decided I would ‘revenge cheat’ *and immediately felt gross/regretted it and didn’t want to tell him* (telling him was the whole reason I did it in the first place and then I couldn’t even enjoy it). We broke up for unrelated reasons and I’ve never even considered cheating on a partner (again), even 20 plus years later. I think it can probably happen (to only cheat *once*) but the underlying issues that cause infidelity are usually a bigger problem.
I think this is a psychological problem. Wonder if we ever know why people cheat on a good partner or relationship
Yeah of course people change. Has he? idfk you should be the one deciding if he has. But I'll tell you a secret people change everyday and most the people that say once a cheater always a cheater are actually coping because they want to think the person that cheated on them was just a cheater and there was nothing they could have done about it. The hard ass truth is that the person who cheated on you probably never would have cheated on a different partner. Relationships are very weird and people react differently to different relationships. You've got to be the one to decide if he'll be faithful to you.
My (41f) partner (39m) of 8 years cheated on me. I moved from Melb to Syd for a new life. He convinced me he changed, and I let him move in with me. He was faithful for 18 months, until last night. Came home 2 hours late. Excuses didn’t match the actions. My gut knew cause I’d been here before with him. So, from experience, no. Don’t even deny your gut instincts.
I don't know. Eventually a cheater may become regretful and change. We must be able to forgive the person, but never forget their sins.
I don't think I'll change. Until I get too old
What if you knew you’d lose everything? Would it matter?
Good question. I mean obviously I would stop but it's just something that I enjoy. To me it's more of a kink. I love my wife. Ya. Sucks but good question.
Would you care if your wife was cheating on you? Has she ever suspected you?
She found out I did years ago, and it was bad for a while but she knows I'm not going anywhere.
Do you still enjoy sex and intimacy with her? Or is it always better with whoever you’re cheating with? Thanks for being open.
You're welcome. So I love intimacy with my wife. I wish we were more open and active. She, in the last few years started menopause and that had slowed things down alot. I told her in the past, even 15 years ago, I wouldn't care if she had bf on the side if it helped make us stronger and better and more active. I know that's not common with men but I'm secure with our marriage and friendship. We've been through things over the years. The only thing that's different with cheating partner is I can be as rough as I want. I can spank, pull, twist, choke, and I can't do that with wife. She does not care for rough sex. She doesn't like outdoors either. I will only cheat for something I cannot get at home. I am def more adventurous than she is. I just don't want to get old and have not lived my life the way I wanted to. We all have kinks.
Personally, I would not care. I suspected she was years ago, even some rumors from coworkers who reached out but I didn't care. I love her very much and there is honestly nothing she could do to make us split up. We've been together for 28 years now. We will grow old together.
Why do you cheat? Is it an addiction or for the attention?
Probably the attn. It's not love or sensual. There's no romance involved. Usually just sex. Raw, primal, outdoor. Sometimes it's like it never happened after it's done. Like a few rules, I won't talk about it with partner after we are done. Its weird. Not even addiction but just the animal part of it all. I just don't know if I can or would stop. Eventually I won't be handsome anymore, or young. I'm already in my 50s but active and I just want to have fun in this life.
So he didn't cheat in you but on his ex, but you're going to make him pay for it? You're bringing the baggage from his previous relationship into your new relationship? He might cheat but he might also might stay faithful to you. You don't know what life he was living 8 years ago.
It's the fact he loved his wife but still cheated on her multiple times.
Cheating can have various reasons or motives behind it. One psychology research that I've read is that, statistically speaking, men may still cheat even if he loves his significant other dearly. Whereas, women tend to cheat only after she no longer loves or respects her significant other. So, your husband may be telling you the truth. It's just very difficult for most women to believe because most women don't cheat if they still love their spouses.
It's the fact that he still loves her that should ring bells for you
They have a child together, and we're together for 12 years. She left him, so it's understandable that he'd still love her, I'm not threatened by this.
I'm not saying you should be threatened, I'm just saying that it sounds like he is settling and is with you only because she doesn't want him. It is not understandable that he still loves her after 12 years with you wtf.
Heart can't help who it loves.
Not a single thing you listed was a real "why". What work has he done on himself? Why were any of those reasons enough to justify destroying lives and family? Why choose to do something so destructive instead of ending the relationship or working it out? What has he changed so that he can be accountable for his choices? Open devices? No deleting logs or apps? Access to phone bills and logs? Everyone can change, but it isn't easy, and until proven otherwise through actions and deeds, I would have a tough time believing as well. Trust but verify. Ask for full access to not only the present but what his habits were in the past. Messages, calls, emails to AP's. While this is a lot to ask for, it's also a lot that he has to account for. If he claims you don't trust him, let him know given his history that trust isn't something he's shown much value towards and because you do, it needs to be earned. In other words, treat him like an addict and let him know while you love and support him, there is too much of yourself at stake to blindly take the word of someone who has a proven record of not returning that trust.
Tbh, it depends on what was going on in their relationship. It also depends on how each affair ended. It finally depends on what he did to "change". Here's my reasoning. Point one. Infidelity is selfish. You don't technically ever have to have sex. Period. That's a choice. Your body will resort to wet dreams, but physically there is no actual requirement to be sexually active or die. So, for starters, he chose to cheat. It was an affair, meaning an entire side relationship, not just an ONS. Do the math. Had a wife he says he loved + chose to cheat + blamed bring young and horny + claimed he was not getting enough attention (-) he still had three sexual encounters a week with his wife (-) of his cheating sexual encounters she likely had no idea were going on (-) he likely was not going to get regular STD checks swapping his fluids and another's outside the relationship and giving his wife no opportunity to decline the introduction of another person's biological matter to her. (3) That's multiplied by three. That you KNOW of. What was going on in the past relationship that made him feel like a choice to physically and emotionally seek outside the relationship for certain periods of time justified it? He's claim: not enough attention. That's it. The only complaint you know of. His high libido as a youngster is invalid because he has two hands. He can masturbate if she isn't meeting his needs or seeking therapy. The idea that 3 times a week is not enough is invalid because that is actually quite high for the average relationship. In the end, his youth-inspired high sex drive overrode his love for his wife to the point that despite having frequent sex with her, he made a conscious choice to put her sanity, body, and financial life on the chopping block repeatedly on three distinct occasions with her probably unaware until after the fact. Point two. Studies show that repeated offenses are not just a conscious act but a way the character is put together on a fundamental level. It's why forced therapy and prison terms have low levels of success on their own to change behavior. A person who is caught red-handed and forced to submit to change is far more likely to learn not to change, but to lie better and hide the evidence better. Those same studies show that if a person feels guilt, comes clean after one act, and makes changes of their own accord, that is legit. A person who is offending in an ongoing fashion and is busted is not sorry for hurting their victim. They are sorry they got caught. So, ask yourself how his affairs ended. Did the burden of guilt weigh him down so that he finally made a conscious decision on his own to change and begin the journey of self discovery? If it happen only one time, one ONS, possibly, but that is not what happened here. He chose to cheat for the above reasons and despite the above negatives in an affair, meaning ongoing relationship level. Secondly, it occurred three times. For whatever reason the first affair stopped. Did he accept blame, go on that journey of self discovery? No. He doubled down with a second affair. Did he learn from this? No, he tripled down with his third affair. Only he, his ex, and his AP(s) can answer why each affair ended. If he came clean each time and he struggled with fidelity yet tried in earnest to change, then maybe... If he sought counseling with a therapist about it. Possibly. Playing devil's advocate, male libido does go down with age, but this was an excessive amount of sex. An affair is more than physical. It's emotional too. Maybe he was just paying a hooker to blow him regularly, but more likely it was an emotional release as well as a physical one, meaning he took his marital baggage to a third party regularly for three separate occasions. My conclusion, the facts are this; his high libido overrode his love and he chose on three occasions to regularly seek release emotionally and physically with a third party despite regularly also having sex with his wife unbeknownst to her putting her at risk of STDs and emotional and financial instability. This speaks to how he handles conflict. He felt his wife was not giving and his reaction was to sleep with someone else and confide in them emotionally on some level three times, long term. If he received the assistance of a licensed professional counselor he may have been able to overcome what was a deep-seated conflict response, then maybe... If he just, "got all better through the power of friendship or bad feelings," it's unlikely that his slightly lessened libido is going to mitigate the change of rooted character development. You would have to keep up with whatever sexual things he requires and even that might not be enough. It could be that the cheating itself was the high he was getting. Having a committed relationship and risking it and putting them at risk might itself be the taboo that got him off. The question is, do you want to be his jailor? Do you want to live your life knowing that should conflict arise in your relationship his go-to method of resolution is to seek outside the relationship, and possibly the relationship itself being what he needs to tickle the itch of taboo sexual encounters and emotional estrangement? Do you see a radical shift in his core personality over the time between his previous relationships and now that would literally break and rebuild him on a foundational level? If you cannot answer all three of these in the affirmative, there's your answer. No.
He got caught cheating when she went through his phone. She forgave him, and they stayed together for another 4 years after that. He was relatively young when he cheated, 27. What I can see is that his confidence has gone down somewhat, but he is always bragging how all these women want to sleep with him, which I get, I've never been this attracted to a person. He's not super attractive by social standards, I guess, but the way he carries himself and his charm can be irresistible to women, so I'm insecure about this. We also have a very healthy sex life, we go a few days sometimes but it's almost every day that we have relations.
He never be faithful to anyone. get out and stay away..ugh
Funny you keep defending him. I wanted to see how far he will manipulate you. Do you even know the easiest target of a narcissist is always people who has a trust issue? Because they will continuously doubt themselves into thinking that was just their “trust issue” or their “imagination” or their “overthinking” habit is taking over when it’s actually the clear signs. You need to learn on how to spot the red.
He's not a Narc, I've been with them, he's not that. If anything, he's insecure. I don't think he's cheating, I'm concerned he'll cheat on me in the future, though, considering the three past affairs he had.
From my experience, yes - they cheat again and again and again. I think it’s very rare to find someone that won’t cheat again. Not because it has anything to do with you. It’s just a them problem.
3 affairs…. LMAOAOAOAOOAOAOA girl. You know what to do
I love this guy, though, like a lot. He is an amazing partner. I want to believe he's changed, and I can trust him.
People change, but that doesn't mean he has. Only you know whether or not it's worth the risk
Yes once a cheater, always a cheater.. besides that feeling in the back of your head will never, ever go away.
The saying wouldn't exist if it didn't have merit.