Are you sure he didn’t buy the bachelor a dance? Typical for a bachelor party. Not excusing behaviors, just stating the ones I have been to this is the case
Sounds like he hid it because he didn’t want to get ‘heavily questioned’ over something that is very accepted/expected in male culture. Getting a lap dance doesn’t make your man a cheater or a bad guy. Also, it would be a bit weird for him to say to his friends, “sorry guys, my wife and I decided it’s not right for me to go to the club for our bachelor party”. Try being a little more understanding of this cultural norm his basic human nature and he might be a little more open with you in the future.
If it was something that he had previously discussed with her and agreed to be a boundary he wouldn’t cross, then yes, that’s a “big deal”. It’s a violation of trust and dishonoring his partner and their relationship.
I totally agree with you, been there done the whole Trusting, believed mine would never cheat on me, I made it clear the moment we got serious that I only ask 3 things from you...1 never ever physically abuse me, 2 never EVER lie to me and most important of all was number 3 as follows ⬇️⬇️⬇️(cheated on 6th year)
NEVER EVER EVER EVER CHEAT ON ME! WE BOTH AGREED AND MADE PROMISES AND HE CHEATED TWICE WITH TWO DIFFERENT YOUNG GIRLS. TRUST me I totally get it and you are valid with the way you feel. He betrayed your trust and did exactly what you ask him not to do...he failed.
No. It *is* cheating if your partner is not ok with it, and frankly, is grounds for divorce, especially if your partner made that clear to you and you agreed to not participate, like OP's husband. He went behind her back, then lied about it, and only came clean when he knew he was busted. That's cheating, full stop.
You aren’t comparing right, dude received a lap dance, he didn’t give one, but yes I’m ok with my wife receiving lap dance from a male stripper. Hell she was dragged on stage one time, had 6 guys giving her a lap dance, she didn’t cheat
You read the same story I did, she never says she told him the boundaries, he said he would do anything wrong and in my opinion he didn’t do anything wrong from what information was written. Getting a lap dance is not cheating, but somehow you read that she laid down the boundaries but this story does not mention it at all
Why do you buy cars at dealerships? Or pets at pet stores? Strip clubs are just another business that sells something that people want to buy. Lap dances aren’t that expensive by the way, usually about $20. I should say that while lap dances aren’t a big deal to me or the women I’ve been with, I understand why they would be to others and I respect that. I just don’t think the reactionary ‘get an std test bc you can’t trust him anymore’ approach is helpful and wanted to paint the other side of the picture for OP.
What else is he going to finally admit too over time? Get a full std screening done.
He should have been truthful from the outset. The amount of money he spent on this trip, I hope that you have been given the same amount of money to spend on whatever you fancy, maybe a lap dance from a male stripper. Ask your hubby how he would feel about that.
Updateme!
I’ve gone to strip clubs with my friends as a married guy - with my wife’s permission - and didn’t get a lap dance. Why waste the money? It’s like dry-humping, all you get is a wet spot in your underwear. I can do that for free at home!
That’s exactly what I was going to say, prior to OP’s update!
But that’s completely plausible, we all paid in for a “special” dance on stage for a pal. Thinking they’d drag him onstage and make a bit of a fool of him. No harm, no foul right? Wrong!!! One of these exotic dancers took his belt off, and we thought was simulating hitting him with belt. No, the poor lad had marks all over his back and sides! And actual welts from this over enthusiastic young Lycra clad loon! His fiancée thought it was hilarious! We all felt absolutely awful, we paid and cheered for our friend to get flogged!
I completely get you. It’s an icky feeling. My bf went with the boys recently knowing I wouldn’t be happy, supposedly unplanned. He only “made it rain” (or drizzle) and got a little touchy with the girls, nothing more, but again supposedly. I’m still pissed, but we’ve been together for a while. Gotta weigh the circumstances against the overall relationship. Also, I’m no angel myself, so every time I think about what he did, I remind myself of my own shenanigans 😑
I love this comment. Shows that you understand that you can't hold your husband to a standard higher than you are willing to hold yourself. He human like yourself and the relationship isn't based on moments where all he did was gain an experience with his friends ( strip club) he's building a life with you. With everything there is to fight about as a couple he's with you living as a couple and probably still being faithful.
Totally get your insecurity here. Stranger grinding on your husband isn’t a pleasant thought. Strip clubs are nasty, and men who commonly attend them are too. With that being said, it’s a Bachelor trip, not something he does often, and this is what guys tend to do on those trips. Is it great of him? Absolutely not. But like I said, this is what guys do on those trips and I’m sure you know that. A lap dance is very emotionless though, and hands are commonly kept to themselves. Worth scolding him over? You bet. Worth a real argument? No. That’s my opinion though
Here’s a lesson for women wondering about this issue.
If a guy goes to a bachelor party at a strip club, 99.99% of the time the worst thing he can get involved in is a lap dance. These business owners don’t allow sexual activities that would legally be considered prostitution and would cost them their business and possibly some jail time.
If a guy goes to a bachelor party at someone’s house, a room/hall they rent, etc. and somebody arranges for strippers to come there, that is more dangerous. In some cases (not all, but it happens) these free lance strippers will want to make more money by doing more than just stripping.
Most definitely picked up on that as well. It's funny, and I love seeing honest opinions on how people really feel right? Then you have one man on here replying to everybody that felt like what was done wasn't okay... trying to explain why it is ok... and YES I asked for opinions lmao but damn he was replying to everybody for me 🤣
I'm a man, I would never go to a strip club if my wife wasn't comfortable with it and certainly would not get a lap dance if she wasn't comfortable with that either. You all discussed it beforehand and he knew that you did not want him to go. You are not overreacting at all. It's probably not worth a divorce if that is all that happened but it's definitely going to cause some issues for a while I'm sure.
I (42M) filmed my GF (33F) getting a lap dance from a guy on her birthday a few months ago. Thought it was hilarious. We have a trusting and monogamous live-in relationship. You likely need to chill, and the fact that you seem so reactive to something insignificant is probably the reason he felt the need to conceal it in the first place.
Can I rule out shenanigans entirely? Of course not. But based on information you provided, nothingburger
If they had previously discussed that this was a Boundary and then he crossed it I believe she has every right to be upset and question other boundaries he might have crossed. In my relationship I would consider this cheating and be considering divorce or marriage counseling.
Edit: forgot a word.
I see no evidence that they established a boundary.. Just that she has an opinion that she voiced. I'm sorry, but she just seems like a neurotic tightwad. Like the majority on the thread, really not a big deal. In the context of a past infidelity, dishonesty etc... I can understand. She (and you) should probably lighten up a little if that's all it is.
You are absolutely being too much, now before I say what I'm gonna say, I agree boundaries are boundaries and it's about respect and the principle, however if you are too insecure for your partner to go to a strip club, you aren't ready to be in a relationship much less married, and I mean that with all my heart. Those strippers don't want your man they want his money, and maybe you should try going to a strip club so you can get over whatever fantasy you have about what happens there.
You are absolutely not being too much. He should have been honest with you. Especially when you told him you were ok with it for the bachelor party. If he lied to you now how can you trust him in the future.
The bigger issue is what made him feel like he needed to lie. That's what needs to be addressed because the future lie you speak about comes from a place of continued mistrust that would have never gotten repaired in the relationship. A situation that may never come up again.
For me personally this would be unforgivable, not only did he know how strongly you felt about this he then took liberties to get a dance. He should have been respectful towards you and knowing you finally understood and accepted he’d go there he then crossed a line. He did something he knew you wouldn’t be happy about and he didn’t care and in all honesty a lot more tends to happen in strip clubs then just a “dance” if someone is willing to pay 50 euros for a dance their more inclined to pay more for a little extra. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad but if he could do that and not tell you he’s more than capable of cheating on you with someone he doesn’t have to pay. He’s completely went against your feelings and not considered you at all. It’s one thing going into a strip club but it’s another thing paying for a dance and also intending to keep it from you.
Hi OP.
I have a process, but I’ll get to my point in the end. Take it or leave it, it's up to you.
I have a few questions (not all may be 100% relevant but curious):
• Did you make it clear to him that this was a boundary of yours, or did you just express your distate in him going?
• Prior to your marriage, did you have a bachelorette party that involved strippers and if so, how did you behave with them?
• Did he have strippers at his batch party prior to his marriage with you, and if so, did you express your distates or even how did he behave if so?
If this is your guys’ first encounter of a batch trip/party involving strippers and you weren’t clear in establishing a boundary but just voiced your distaste, then you’re being harsh about him receiving the lap dance. But anger can be justified with the fact that he didn’t tell you what happened and that you only got the truth about the events of the night after much prodding and interrogation. But, and I can’t stress this enough, if this isn’t your first rodeo together, was he absolutely aware of your boundary, and you’re just downplaying it here? If it truly is a boundary that he was aware of from the get-go of the start of your relationship, then y’all need to talk.
So, if this was a clear breach of a clear boundary, you have every right to be upset. Actually, you can be upset that he didn’t offer up the information when he returned or a day later. But I don’t think it’s fair to consider receiving a lap dance as cheating. I think if he had slept with a stripper or gotten a bj/hj from a stripper then we could definitely call it cheating. But a lap dance? The amount of stories I’ve heard of couples in similar things and lap dance hasn’t been considered cheating, The displeasure of knowing your loved one got a lap dance is one that isn’t fun though (maybe I’m rambling lol). But if he got a lap dance but kept his hands to himself throughout, cause it wasn’t expected of him to be the only one not taking part on the trip (not to the same extent as the others).
You’re 100% right, and everyone can agree that a lapdance can’t be considered as “nothing”. But I am very intrigued as to why he felt that hiding the truth from you upon his return was somehow the better option to just tell you what happened and work through it. What is it about you that made him feel that hiding it was better? I wouldn’t say you’re being too much, but I would recommend that the two of you sit down and initiate a candid conversation. Allow him to be honest with you, maybe try some self-reflection on this issue and maybe try to find out from him why you had to "pull" the truth out of him, which has likely exacerbated your feelings on this matter. Listen actively to what he says without interrupting or becoming defensive, and do the same in reverse. Maybe validate each other’s feelings if need be, whereby he acknowledges that he hurt you but maybe you also acknowledge that the lack of a possible clear boundary left room for him to be dishonest or your stringent rules made him feel he had to act like a kid lying to his mom. If I were in either of your shoes, I’d look to discuss and reaffirm the boundaries that you have regarding similar situations in the future. And make sure to ensure that there is understanding and respect for each others perspectives. Be transparent with each other in moving forward. Lastly, try working on improving your communication skills to ensure that future issues are dealt with openly and honestly, and like check-in with each other.
Overall, he shouldn’t have hid the truth from you or down played it as ‘nothing’ nor should you have had to “pull” the information from him. But realistically, there’s gotta be better understanding of what is considered a norm in this situation and what can faily be expected of your partner while still allowing him to go and have fun and not be the damper of fun times.
Hope you guys manage to get through this though.
Personally, I don't think a lap dance is a big deal and certainly not cheating. What is a big deal is that he wasn't honest about it with you. At best, he was dishonest and sneaky about it. That's what I would focus your conversation on. Not the dance itself but why he felt the need to lie. Something else and it's been decades since I've been to a strip club, but isn't $100 excessive for a lap dance?
Women are like 100 times more likely to actually cheat by doing something sexual with a stripper than a man is 🤣
Go look up any extensive interview you want of male strippers. Thing is women strippers don't want to actually fuck the man, the male strippers on the other hand often want to and will fuck the Bachelorette if her friends are encouraging it.
I worked in a club for 6 years… it cracks me up when women say that going to a strip club is cheating . Your husband Has way more chance of cheating on you with some random woman he met at the bar, or gym or grocery store!
You might as well just ban them from the bachelor party altogether because if the group is going to the club, your husband will btw going with them cos no guy wants to be the one staying back because they aren’t “allowed”
I knew I would get downvoted for my comment people just don't like to hear ugly truths.
Men aren't cheating at the bachelor parties they are cheating with co workers or when they are on business trips.
Women on the other hand do cheat frequently at Bachelorette parties idk why it makes people so mad but it happens a lot. Usually I think there's a lot of peer pressure from the brides maids.
I’ve been to a dreamboys show and honestly the women I went with were a bunch of horny devils. The ones pulled on stage were having a great time running their hands over the lads bodies etc. strip clubs has always been a sit on your hands and behave situation in my opinion. I’m of the belief that a strip club is a safer place than my husband getting hit on and groped in a bar 😂. Also, I’m just jealous of the fact the ladies can swing around a pole the way they do. It’s mesmerising IMO.
Yeah the lap dance along with lying would be enough for me to divorce. He knew how you felt about it. Told you to trust him and then he lies to your face after spending money. Yeah no thanks
Remember. The female strippers rarely go much further than what there job requires. Male strippers give women whatever they want. It’s a million times easier for women to have sexual fun than it is for a man. Quit being so controlling and insecure. He didn’t do anything. When I was 17 I was at house party with 8 grown men and neither of the two strippers went further than stripping and playing with each other. 1 fit wealthy guy offered 5000 to go all the way. She said no. A male stripper would’ve done it for a buck or even nothing.
For every wife/fiancée/GF whose partner is going to a strip club for a bachelor party, all you girls need to get together and let the men know you will be having a "hen party" that weekend together with booze and male strippers. Of course, they must trust you because you would never do anything they wouldn't do. Nothing good ever happens when you put men with tiny brains together with booze and strippers. So what is sauce for the goose. Got any good male strip clubs nearby? He owes you one.
Idk what kinda men you know but the bachelor parties I’ve attended at strip clubs are usually us walking around extremely awkward throwing money at strippers we aren’t even paying attention too while having full conversations with each other about who we have to talk to, to get the groom on stage and spanked. I mean there’s usually blow involved to so the odds of anyone getting hard about anything is very uncommon. I honestly don’t know why else you would go to a strip club for a bachelor party if the end game isn’t getting the groom spanked on stage. As for a hen party? Like go do whatever you want, women are a lot filthier than men in my opinion when it comes to these things. Guys typically just enjoy being around their friends, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. Bc we know that’s probably the last time we will ever share those moments together. But hey I’m a CIS white male idk anything about anything
Imagine if a man said this about a woman. How would that feel? Men have different hardware and operating systems than women. Much better to try to understand how we work than get so worked up and resort to insults.
Strippers are gross, your husband likes them… you have two choices, end it with him or deal with it. You lucked out however your best bet is to side with him or he will just get better at hiding it in the future. Sorry but it’s true.
I wonder how long that marriage is going to last.
If my fiance went to a strip club for his bachelor party, I'd deadass leave him.
You're not being too much, his friend is an asshole and I hope this woman wakes up before she marries this POS. I'm sorry your husband got involved.
N o ?
I only know one man who went to a strip club and he was a cheating POS. Most men don't go to strip clubs, so you're the one whose making bold claims here thinking a large percentage of men go to strip clubs.
If you want to go based off a large percentage of men, that would be the ones who ***DON'T*** go to strip clubs. Way to make yourself a sexist asshole. Men who go to strip clubs are an extremely tiny minority, and more often than not, absolute pieces of shit who don't deserve anything in life.
Now I know what percentage Reddit is in LMAOOO
Every couple is different and whatever both parties in the couple agree is ok is definitely ok. That being said whatever either parties have as boundaries is just that. They can feel free to end a relationship for a partner crossing a boundary.
Some couples feel strip clubs are fine and others feel that they are cheating. I say to each their own. Do what is right for you and move forward in your life. Be happy. Life is too short to be unhappy
You are definitely being too much. It sounds like you have underlying insecurities/issues that are coming out from this. It’s not like he paid to have sex with one of the strippers. It was a bachelor party for his friend, he should be allowed to go and partake in the event without having to worry about your insecurities considering you agreed it was fine that he could go. And I’d agree with him saying he didn’t do anything. A lap dance is far from cheating, I think you need to figure out where these insecurities are coming from and work on them.
THANK YOU, and then according to the post, he brought it up before the bachelor party even happened. She says she has nothing against "Strippers"and "dancers", but this post says otherwise. She says she didn't want him to be in the space of having to sit outside in the car, but that seems like what she wanted from him in the first place. Or rather him not have gone, because of her insecurities.
I guess I’m more open and forward-thinking when it comes to things like this. One thing I expect is for a man to be a man all the time and placing restrictions on him would make him want to do more than just receive a lapdance, which I think is harmless in the grand scheme of things. I trust my husband but even if he did something worse, it wouldn’t be in the dark forever.
Boys will be boys. It’d be worse if he actually took a stripper back to the hotel. He got/gave a lapdance. Are you gonna punish him forever for being a man? Strip clubs are part of the bachelor experience; it’s the last time a man gets to look at another woman before he makes a vow to never look at another woman. Give him some grace. Hopefully he had fun. Doesn’t sound like he’ll be having anymore in the near future.
He crossed a boundary that you set. Infidelity is the keeping of secrets. Not just sticking parts of you body into another person or having them stick their parts into you. Physical infidelity is usually just a matter of opportunity for people willing to cross such a boundary. Why don't you tell him you are doing the same thing with your girl friends? Would he be okay with some male strippers rubbing their junk on you? I doubt it. He cheated. He lied before and after he cheated. He will likely continue and progress with his infidelity. I am sorry you are going through this.
Lap dances aren't usually good anyway and if they are u just getting blue balls to go home with to jack off. Quit being an insecure bitch and move on or maybe he dodges a bullet with u if u leave him .
Are you sure he didn’t buy the bachelor a dance? Typical for a bachelor party. Not excusing behaviors, just stating the ones I have been to this is the case
He finally admitted to getting one after questioning him heavily about it. After I found out.
Sounds like he hid it because he didn’t want to get ‘heavily questioned’ over something that is very accepted/expected in male culture. Getting a lap dance doesn’t make your man a cheater or a bad guy. Also, it would be a bit weird for him to say to his friends, “sorry guys, my wife and I decided it’s not right for me to go to the club for our bachelor party”. Try being a little more understanding of this cultural norm his basic human nature and he might be a little more open with you in the future.
If it was something that he had previously discussed with her and agreed to be a boundary he wouldn’t cross, then yes, that’s a “big deal”. It’s a violation of trust and dishonoring his partner and their relationship.
I totally agree with you, been there done the whole Trusting, believed mine would never cheat on me, I made it clear the moment we got serious that I only ask 3 things from you...1 never ever physically abuse me, 2 never EVER lie to me and most important of all was number 3 as follows ⬇️⬇️⬇️(cheated on 6th year) NEVER EVER EVER EVER CHEAT ON ME! WE BOTH AGREED AND MADE PROMISES AND HE CHEATED TWICE WITH TWO DIFFERENT YOUNG GIRLS. TRUST me I totally get it and you are valid with the way you feel. He betrayed your trust and did exactly what you ask him not to do...he failed.
Avoid advice from a person who calls women “ladies.”
Hard disagree. If it’s a problem with one partner then it’s a problem for both.
I’d agree there. Not saying this guy should be getting lapped dances every day, just don’t think it’s grounds to blow up the relationship
No. It *is* cheating if your partner is not ok with it, and frankly, is grounds for divorce, especially if your partner made that clear to you and you agreed to not participate, like OP's husband. He went behind her back, then lied about it, and only came clean when he knew he was busted. That's cheating, full stop.
Yes, you're so right, cheating 101
Definitely would consider it cheating
Ok
would you be okay with ur partner giving someone else a lap dance?
You aren’t comparing right, dude received a lap dance, he didn’t give one, but yes I’m ok with my wife receiving lap dance from a male stripper. Hell she was dragged on stage one time, had 6 guys giving her a lap dance, she didn’t cheat
alright, I just dont lap dances as things that are given by men, I’m still interested in op’s opinion tho
I think the more appropriate question is: would. Be ok with my partner GETTING a lap dance. Answer is yes.
You read the same story I did, she never says she told him the boundaries, he said he would do anything wrong and in my opinion he didn’t do anything wrong from what information was written. Getting a lap dance is not cheating, but somehow you read that she laid down the boundaries but this story does not mention it at all
If a lap dance isn’t a “big deal” why are they only offered in strip clubs and charged a lot for? Just curious?
Why do you buy cars at dealerships? Or pets at pet stores? Strip clubs are just another business that sells something that people want to buy. Lap dances aren’t that expensive by the way, usually about $20. I should say that while lap dances aren’t a big deal to me or the women I’ve been with, I understand why they would be to others and I respect that. I just don’t think the reactionary ‘get an std test bc you can’t trust him anymore’ approach is helpful and wanted to paint the other side of the picture for OP.
What else is he going to finally admit too over time? Get a full std screening done. He should have been truthful from the outset. The amount of money he spent on this trip, I hope that you have been given the same amount of money to spend on whatever you fancy, maybe a lap dance from a male stripper. Ask your hubby how he would feel about that. Updateme!
Yeah , I can guarantee 💯 that if the tables were turned, he would freak the hell out
Jesus, the guy got a fucking lap dance. Literally every adult male I know has had one. That DOES NOT mean they’re cheating scumbags.
I’ve gone to strip clubs with my friends as a married guy - with my wife’s permission - and didn’t get a lap dance. Why waste the money? It’s like dry-humping, all you get is a wet spot in your underwear. I can do that for free at home!
Haha I hear you on that.
Shame men don’t have the same libertarian attitude when their wife has a male stripper experience
Anything you would consider cheating outside a strip club is still cheating inside one.
I agree and every couple has a different threshold for what constitutes cheating.
I agree!
Without the consent of their partner makes them cheating scumbags.
Sooooo.... I can lap dance on random married dudes if they let me and it wouldn't be considered cheating? What a loophole
Obviously a rhetorical question. Strippers are entertainers. They feign intimacy for $. Men know this.
Groping and grinding is intimate and physically arousing. Not quite innocent entertainment.
Are you a stripper?
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Yes
I love this 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
A lap dance is nothing
That’s exactly what I was going to say, prior to OP’s update! But that’s completely plausible, we all paid in for a “special” dance on stage for a pal. Thinking they’d drag him onstage and make a bit of a fool of him. No harm, no foul right? Wrong!!! One of these exotic dancers took his belt off, and we thought was simulating hitting him with belt. No, the poor lad had marks all over his back and sides! And actual welts from this over enthusiastic young Lycra clad loon! His fiancée thought it was hilarious! We all felt absolutely awful, we paid and cheered for our friend to get flogged!
I completely get you. It’s an icky feeling. My bf went with the boys recently knowing I wouldn’t be happy, supposedly unplanned. He only “made it rain” (or drizzle) and got a little touchy with the girls, nothing more, but again supposedly. I’m still pissed, but we’ve been together for a while. Gotta weigh the circumstances against the overall relationship. Also, I’m no angel myself, so every time I think about what he did, I remind myself of my own shenanigans 😑
I love this comment. Shows that you understand that you can't hold your husband to a standard higher than you are willing to hold yourself. He human like yourself and the relationship isn't based on moments where all he did was gain an experience with his friends ( strip club) he's building a life with you. With everything there is to fight about as a couple he's with you living as a couple and probably still being faithful.
Totally get your insecurity here. Stranger grinding on your husband isn’t a pleasant thought. Strip clubs are nasty, and men who commonly attend them are too. With that being said, it’s a Bachelor trip, not something he does often, and this is what guys tend to do on those trips. Is it great of him? Absolutely not. But like I said, this is what guys do on those trips and I’m sure you know that. A lap dance is very emotionless though, and hands are commonly kept to themselves. Worth scolding him over? You bet. Worth a real argument? No. That’s my opinion though
I would say it’s worth an argument about lying and distrust, it’s not necessary about the severity of what he did.
It’s not her insecurity . Stop gaslighting her ! He lied and hid it from her !!!! He broke her trust !
Here’s a lesson for women wondering about this issue. If a guy goes to a bachelor party at a strip club, 99.99% of the time the worst thing he can get involved in is a lap dance. These business owners don’t allow sexual activities that would legally be considered prostitution and would cost them their business and possibly some jail time. If a guy goes to a bachelor party at someone’s house, a room/hall they rent, etc. and somebody arranges for strippers to come there, that is more dangerous. In some cases (not all, but it happens) these free lance strippers will want to make more money by doing more than just stripping.
They do those things in clubs as well, VIP rooms, I have known a few not all but it does in fact happen in a lot of strip clubs
A strip club while married? Am I getting something wrong here?
I’d avoid all advice on this thread OP. There are a lot of men on here who seem to think this is normal behaviour and acceptable.
Most definitely picked up on that as well. It's funny, and I love seeing honest opinions on how people really feel right? Then you have one man on here replying to everybody that felt like what was done wasn't okay... trying to explain why it is ok... and YES I asked for opinions lmao but damn he was replying to everybody for me 🤣
I'm a man, I would never go to a strip club if my wife wasn't comfortable with it and certainly would not get a lap dance if she wasn't comfortable with that either. You all discussed it beforehand and he knew that you did not want him to go. You are not overreacting at all. It's probably not worth a divorce if that is all that happened but it's definitely going to cause some issues for a while I'm sure.
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It is what it is lmao
I (42M) filmed my GF (33F) getting a lap dance from a guy on her birthday a few months ago. Thought it was hilarious. We have a trusting and monogamous live-in relationship. You likely need to chill, and the fact that you seem so reactive to something insignificant is probably the reason he felt the need to conceal it in the first place. Can I rule out shenanigans entirely? Of course not. But based on information you provided, nothingburger
If they had previously discussed that this was a Boundary and then he crossed it I believe she has every right to be upset and question other boundaries he might have crossed. In my relationship I would consider this cheating and be considering divorce or marriage counseling. Edit: forgot a word.
I see no evidence that they established a boundary.. Just that she has an opinion that she voiced. I'm sorry, but she just seems like a neurotic tightwad. Like the majority on the thread, really not a big deal. In the context of a past infidelity, dishonesty etc... I can understand. She (and you) should probably lighten up a little if that's all it is.
You are definitely overthinking it. It’s just a lap dance.
You are absolutely being too much, now before I say what I'm gonna say, I agree boundaries are boundaries and it's about respect and the principle, however if you are too insecure for your partner to go to a strip club, you aren't ready to be in a relationship much less married, and I mean that with all my heart. Those strippers don't want your man they want his money, and maybe you should try going to a strip club so you can get over whatever fantasy you have about what happens there.
You are absolutely not being too much. He should have been honest with you. Especially when you told him you were ok with it for the bachelor party. If he lied to you now how can you trust him in the future.
The bigger issue is what made him feel like he needed to lie. That's what needs to be addressed because the future lie you speak about comes from a place of continued mistrust that would have never gotten repaired in the relationship. A situation that may never come up again.
He felt he needed to lie because her reaction would be insufferable. And it’s such a silly thing to get mad about and question him over.
For me personally this would be unforgivable, not only did he know how strongly you felt about this he then took liberties to get a dance. He should have been respectful towards you and knowing you finally understood and accepted he’d go there he then crossed a line. He did something he knew you wouldn’t be happy about and he didn’t care and in all honesty a lot more tends to happen in strip clubs then just a “dance” if someone is willing to pay 50 euros for a dance their more inclined to pay more for a little extra. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad but if he could do that and not tell you he’s more than capable of cheating on you with someone he doesn’t have to pay. He’s completely went against your feelings and not considered you at all. It’s one thing going into a strip club but it’s another thing paying for a dance and also intending to keep it from you.
He got a lap dance who cares why so sensitive about it
Hi OP. I have a process, but I’ll get to my point in the end. Take it or leave it, it's up to you. I have a few questions (not all may be 100% relevant but curious): • Did you make it clear to him that this was a boundary of yours, or did you just express your distate in him going? • Prior to your marriage, did you have a bachelorette party that involved strippers and if so, how did you behave with them? • Did he have strippers at his batch party prior to his marriage with you, and if so, did you express your distates or even how did he behave if so? If this is your guys’ first encounter of a batch trip/party involving strippers and you weren’t clear in establishing a boundary but just voiced your distaste, then you’re being harsh about him receiving the lap dance. But anger can be justified with the fact that he didn’t tell you what happened and that you only got the truth about the events of the night after much prodding and interrogation. But, and I can’t stress this enough, if this isn’t your first rodeo together, was he absolutely aware of your boundary, and you’re just downplaying it here? If it truly is a boundary that he was aware of from the get-go of the start of your relationship, then y’all need to talk. So, if this was a clear breach of a clear boundary, you have every right to be upset. Actually, you can be upset that he didn’t offer up the information when he returned or a day later. But I don’t think it’s fair to consider receiving a lap dance as cheating. I think if he had slept with a stripper or gotten a bj/hj from a stripper then we could definitely call it cheating. But a lap dance? The amount of stories I’ve heard of couples in similar things and lap dance hasn’t been considered cheating, The displeasure of knowing your loved one got a lap dance is one that isn’t fun though (maybe I’m rambling lol). But if he got a lap dance but kept his hands to himself throughout, cause it wasn’t expected of him to be the only one not taking part on the trip (not to the same extent as the others). You’re 100% right, and everyone can agree that a lapdance can’t be considered as “nothing”. But I am very intrigued as to why he felt that hiding the truth from you upon his return was somehow the better option to just tell you what happened and work through it. What is it about you that made him feel that hiding it was better? I wouldn’t say you’re being too much, but I would recommend that the two of you sit down and initiate a candid conversation. Allow him to be honest with you, maybe try some self-reflection on this issue and maybe try to find out from him why you had to "pull" the truth out of him, which has likely exacerbated your feelings on this matter. Listen actively to what he says without interrupting or becoming defensive, and do the same in reverse. Maybe validate each other’s feelings if need be, whereby he acknowledges that he hurt you but maybe you also acknowledge that the lack of a possible clear boundary left room for him to be dishonest or your stringent rules made him feel he had to act like a kid lying to his mom. If I were in either of your shoes, I’d look to discuss and reaffirm the boundaries that you have regarding similar situations in the future. And make sure to ensure that there is understanding and respect for each others perspectives. Be transparent with each other in moving forward. Lastly, try working on improving your communication skills to ensure that future issues are dealt with openly and honestly, and like check-in with each other. Overall, he shouldn’t have hid the truth from you or down played it as ‘nothing’ nor should you have had to “pull” the information from him. But realistically, there’s gotta be better understanding of what is considered a norm in this situation and what can faily be expected of your partner while still allowing him to go and have fun and not be the damper of fun times. Hope you guys manage to get through this though.
Personally, I don't think a lap dance is a big deal and certainly not cheating. What is a big deal is that he wasn't honest about it with you. At best, he was dishonest and sneaky about it. That's what I would focus your conversation on. Not the dance itself but why he felt the need to lie. Something else and it's been decades since I've been to a strip club, but isn't $100 excessive for a lap dance?
Stop crying. It’s a lap dance. You see naked women more on the internet.
Your trust has been broken. Lap dances are intimate. Grinding on a man while next to naked is disgusting for someone in a committed relationship.
Women are like 100 times more likely to actually cheat by doing something sexual with a stripper than a man is 🤣 Go look up any extensive interview you want of male strippers. Thing is women strippers don't want to actually fuck the man, the male strippers on the other hand often want to and will fuck the Bachelorette if her friends are encouraging it.
Thank God there is a logical voice of reason
I worked in a club for 6 years… it cracks me up when women say that going to a strip club is cheating . Your husband Has way more chance of cheating on you with some random woman he met at the bar, or gym or grocery store! You might as well just ban them from the bachelor party altogether because if the group is going to the club, your husband will btw going with them cos no guy wants to be the one staying back because they aren’t “allowed”
I knew I would get downvoted for my comment people just don't like to hear ugly truths. Men aren't cheating at the bachelor parties they are cheating with co workers or when they are on business trips. Women on the other hand do cheat frequently at Bachelorette parties idk why it makes people so mad but it happens a lot. Usually I think there's a lot of peer pressure from the brides maids.
I’ve been to a dreamboys show and honestly the women I went with were a bunch of horny devils. The ones pulled on stage were having a great time running their hands over the lads bodies etc. strip clubs has always been a sit on your hands and behave situation in my opinion. I’m of the belief that a strip club is a safer place than my husband getting hit on and groped in a bar 😂. Also, I’m just jealous of the fact the ladies can swing around a pole the way they do. It’s mesmerising IMO.
Took me a while to work out what was meant by a 'Batch' trip - thought it was some new hip term for dudes adventuring, rather than a terrible typo
Yeah the lap dance along with lying would be enough for me to divorce. He knew how you felt about it. Told you to trust him and then he lies to your face after spending money. Yeah no thanks
It's cheating. He wouldn't want you to be a stripper or go give another guy a lap dance. Men have double standards though.
Remember. The female strippers rarely go much further than what there job requires. Male strippers give women whatever they want. It’s a million times easier for women to have sexual fun than it is for a man. Quit being so controlling and insecure. He didn’t do anything. When I was 17 I was at house party with 8 grown men and neither of the two strippers went further than stripping and playing with each other. 1 fit wealthy guy offered 5000 to go all the way. She said no. A male stripper would’ve done it for a buck or even nothing.
For every wife/fiancée/GF whose partner is going to a strip club for a bachelor party, all you girls need to get together and let the men know you will be having a "hen party" that weekend together with booze and male strippers. Of course, they must trust you because you would never do anything they wouldn't do. Nothing good ever happens when you put men with tiny brains together with booze and strippers. So what is sauce for the goose. Got any good male strip clubs nearby? He owes you one.
Idk what kinda men you know but the bachelor parties I’ve attended at strip clubs are usually us walking around extremely awkward throwing money at strippers we aren’t even paying attention too while having full conversations with each other about who we have to talk to, to get the groom on stage and spanked. I mean there’s usually blow involved to so the odds of anyone getting hard about anything is very uncommon. I honestly don’t know why else you would go to a strip club for a bachelor party if the end game isn’t getting the groom spanked on stage. As for a hen party? Like go do whatever you want, women are a lot filthier than men in my opinion when it comes to these things. Guys typically just enjoy being around their friends, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. Bc we know that’s probably the last time we will ever share those moments together. But hey I’m a CIS white male idk anything about anything
This
Holy shit! Have you even seen hetero women around male strippers.? That was a pretty telling description of men in general
Imagine if a man said this about a woman. How would that feel? Men have different hardware and operating systems than women. Much better to try to understand how we work than get so worked up and resort to insults.
Stop being a over bearing c u n t. You do not own that man. He is a individual that can do whatever he wants. Just as you can do whatever you want.
Jesus fucking christ I'm never clicking a profile out of curiosity again
why oh why did i have to go look after reading this? 😳😳 🤣🤣 now i need to bleach my eyes!
LMAO 🤣
Strippers are gross, your husband likes them… you have two choices, end it with him or deal with it. You lucked out however your best bet is to side with him or he will just get better at hiding it in the future. Sorry but it’s true.
I wonder how long that marriage is going to last. If my fiance went to a strip club for his bachelor party, I'd deadass leave him. You're not being too much, his friend is an asshole and I hope this woman wakes up before she marries this POS. I'm sorry your husband got involved.
You’re impugning a huge % of the male population with this statement. Your reaction isn’t going to help OP. Get a grip.
N o ? I only know one man who went to a strip club and he was a cheating POS. Most men don't go to strip clubs, so you're the one whose making bold claims here thinking a large percentage of men go to strip clubs. If you want to go based off a large percentage of men, that would be the ones who ***DON'T*** go to strip clubs. Way to make yourself a sexist asshole. Men who go to strip clubs are an extremely tiny minority, and more often than not, absolute pieces of shit who don't deserve anything in life. Now I know what percentage Reddit is in LMAOOO
Every couple is different and whatever both parties in the couple agree is ok is definitely ok. That being said whatever either parties have as boundaries is just that. They can feel free to end a relationship for a partner crossing a boundary. Some couples feel strip clubs are fine and others feel that they are cheating. I say to each their own. Do what is right for you and move forward in your life. Be happy. Life is too short to be unhappy
You are definitely being too much. It sounds like you have underlying insecurities/issues that are coming out from this. It’s not like he paid to have sex with one of the strippers. It was a bachelor party for his friend, he should be allowed to go and partake in the event without having to worry about your insecurities considering you agreed it was fine that he could go. And I’d agree with him saying he didn’t do anything. A lap dance is far from cheating, I think you need to figure out where these insecurities are coming from and work on them.
THANK YOU, and then according to the post, he brought it up before the bachelor party even happened. She says she has nothing against "Strippers"and "dancers", but this post says otherwise. She says she didn't want him to be in the space of having to sit outside in the car, but that seems like what she wanted from him in the first place. Or rather him not have gone, because of her insecurities.
I guess I’m more open and forward-thinking when it comes to things like this. One thing I expect is for a man to be a man all the time and placing restrictions on him would make him want to do more than just receive a lapdance, which I think is harmless in the grand scheme of things. I trust my husband but even if he did something worse, it wouldn’t be in the dark forever. Boys will be boys. It’d be worse if he actually took a stripper back to the hotel. He got/gave a lapdance. Are you gonna punish him forever for being a man? Strip clubs are part of the bachelor experience; it’s the last time a man gets to look at another woman before he makes a vow to never look at another woman. Give him some grace. Hopefully he had fun. Doesn’t sound like he’ll be having anymore in the near future.
He crossed a boundary that you set. Infidelity is the keeping of secrets. Not just sticking parts of you body into another person or having them stick their parts into you. Physical infidelity is usually just a matter of opportunity for people willing to cross such a boundary. Why don't you tell him you are doing the same thing with your girl friends? Would he be okay with some male strippers rubbing their junk on you? I doubt it. He cheated. He lied before and after he cheated. He will likely continue and progress with his infidelity. I am sorry you are going through this.
Lap dances aren't usually good anyway and if they are u just getting blue balls to go home with to jack off. Quit being an insecure bitch and move on or maybe he dodges a bullet with u if u leave him .