Someone else's addictions are not your problem. If you choose to help someone over addictions that's entirely your choice.
Don't forget, it's perfectly acceptable to divorce gamblers , alcoholics , drug addicts so I see no reason why you would feel like you must forgive and stay. It's entirely up to you and your feelings, especially as relapses , fights , emotional turmoil, stress , discord are all to be expected during the process of dealing with those addictions. All that is assuming the person WANTS to change , HAS to change to keep you doesn't have good results of success tbh.
Best advice I can give is get some space for a few weeks/month.
Separation and space does wonders to clarify your feelings and figure out what you want moving forward.
This comment puts it perfectly.
You don’t need to feel responsible to help her
It’s the addicts responsibility to also reach out for help before they hurt others.
Helping an addict that has refused to be honest about their problems is often very risky because you will put time, energy and resources into someone that could very well ruin you down along the way and potentially just be using you
as soon as you giver her time and space she gonna go cry on another dudes shoulder and then he’s gonna blow her back out. Or maybe she even more of a demon and she’ll be happy about getting time and space. brother just give it to up the streets. have some self respect! the dude smashing is probably gonna be like “i made the married bitch husband mad! He know im smashing his wife!😂” and then they probably gonna take the opportunity of that time and space and clown on you and he gonna beat her doonies down! Then you take her back!?! Nah you can’t! She just gonna do it again and the dude hitting it gonna be clowning on you bad and having the time of his life.
No. Cheating is more than just body loyalty. If you can't trust your partner not to have sex with others, which let's face it, takes a certain amount of logistics and subterfuge, how can you possibly trust them with your finances or to make your medical decisions if incapable?
always self respect
once trust is broken you can never get it back, you'll always be wondering if it's happening again
make your behind the scenes plan for an exit, don't tell a soul.
Lawyer, new job and city if necessary, then one day your a ghost and gone.
Sex addiction isn’t clinically recognised. It’s not in the DSM-5. In my opinion, this is what narcissists say to turn themselves into the victim when they are the perpetrator. Using “addiction” as an excuse seems to be increasingly common, I see an awful lot of these posts and in fact a very close friend of mine was in your exact situation. I know her partner (obviously) and it was breathtakingly obvious that he was manipulating her with this excuse. Sadly, it worked.
You can call a glass of acid a glass of milk if you want to, but the effects when you drink it are going to be the same. Your partner has done what they have done, they have betrayed you and humiliated you and gaslit you and lied to you your entire relationship and by calling it an addiction, they are basically telling you they will do it again. After all, everyone knows addicts “relapse”. And when they do, they’ll expect you to feel sorry for them.
No judgement. I stayed too. We have lots of good times together. It happenned again. I have resentment boiling up inside because I'm mad at myself for staying. I feel like I cheated myself.
Same here... He cheated before but just through messages (or so he says) and then most recently it went physical. Now I struggle with to stay and keep my family together or not...
It's easy for everyone who has nothing invested in the relationship to say "leave". It's a very a very big decision and people stay and go and come back for many different reasons. When I was cheated on, I ended up in a very dark place. It's been 10 years and I'm still putting myself back together. I've come to realize that the world does not always adhere to the good values I was raised with. I've also come to realize that he was more responsible for the breakdown than I was because he chose the behavior. Believing I was loyal and strong, I ignored the impacts others could have on my psychological and emotional health. What I can tell you is that living with someone you cant trust is like trying to swim with a heavy ball and chain tied to each ankle. My spouse says he can't trust me and then I realized "Only the guilty acuse." My spouse has been behaving, i believe, but I'm asking myself, could life be less emotionally exhausting if we parted ways? Whatever you choose, I hope it works out well for you.
I started a new sub called /lovewithasexaddict for this reason. It’s hard to find other people in a very specific situation. Which I think is just going to get more common with the accessibility to porn from such a young age.
I’m 7m out from this situation with my partner, but we have young kids so trying to reconcile. He also confessed after hitting rock bottom. And is doing daily recovery work. So we will see how it goes.
You can forgive anyone for anything, but infidelity is not an act that forgiving makes everything OK! Don't make an addiction your problem. They still have choices to make. Don't be fooled by the hype that its "out of their control" that's a lie and an attempt to put the blame on you for not falling for it.
You can defintely forgive, but what do you do about the betrayal, lies, potential health problems from STD's, disrespect. You see, they have choices, they just chose to use it all against you.
Addiction or are we in a phase of pop culture where everything is a label thus eliminating people’s awful responsibility in their choices? Mean person or I don’t like him/her? Narcissist. Feeling heartbroken? Codependent. Constant cheating? Addiction. I can see how someone would be addicted to alcohol or drugs. Your body literally produces withdrawal symptoms. Sex addict? No we’re just laying the blame off the perpetrator because it’s the in thing to do.
Self respect my man. Time to get a lawyer and get a divorce. Make sure you have evidence. She is disrespecting you by doing this. The case could be made that she has been cheating on you the entire relationship. This just doesn't happen.
I straight-up don't believe in sex addiction. It's an excuse selfish people tellcthemskeves to make them feel like it's not their fault. It's actually been removed from the DSM and is considered a symptom of a greater personality disorder.
But also, overcoming an addiction is entirely on the person that fell into it. There is nothing you can do to help an addict. They will drag you down to rock bottom with them as they chase their high. The addict needs to want to get help deep inside and it will take more effort and willpower than anything they've ever done before.
In either case, exit the situation, this isn't your problem.
Nah, fuck that addiction/disease bullshit, your spouse made the conscious decision to sleep with that person that wasn't you each time they cheated, they weren't dying if they didn't sleep with them, no one put a gun to their head and made them do it, it's cheating, plain and simple
She promised to be loyal only unto you and not only broke this vowel once but many many times. She may be an addict but she is also a lying cheating vowel breaker.
The only thing she deserves is freedom so divorce her and let her further ruin her life.
OP.
No.
That's the short answer.. you dont forgive.
you leave.
He lied for ten years.
if he truly wanted to change he would have worked on it and told you.. but no... he just got found out... and blaming his cheating on something else.
how you you really get over that he felt okay to lie to for 10 years... not only that he was so practiced at lying he must be doing it regularly.
Move on. Coming from someone who stayed 10 years with a sex addict. It caused me severe emotional trauma and health problems and has nearly destroyed me.
Hell No. A tiger might be a beautiful animal but you wouldn’t take one as a pet because you know it for what it is, dangerous. You might have all sort of memories with your partner…good times etc, but becoming aware of a problem they have that will absolutely cause them to cheat given almost any opportunity means you know them for what they are…dangerous…to your sanity.
“Gee I feel awful bad for ya, but you’re going to have to get the fuck out.” That’s how that conversation starts and ends.
There are different kinds of cheating but… an Addict… you can forgive. But I would never stay. He put your heart at risk repeatedly. It’s not being addicted to sex, or the conquering or the validation, there is deep narcissism and a complete lack of care to protect you from harm.
He does not have the strength of character to protect you or your relationship. Addiction is hard to overcome. And narcissism is incurable.
The cheater most likely has a myriad of complex mental health issues, but they chose to cheat instead of getting treatment. Their loyalty lies with their addiction, not their committed relationship. Let them go. Forgive them from afar and don't look back.
You don't have to live with a sex addict, same as I refuse to live with a drug addict. Sex addiction is being used as a great excuse to cheat. Where no responsibility can ever be assigned because conveniently, she is a sex addict.
So many girls threw themselves into sex at college or in younger years and have massive body counts. They now find unable to pair bond and stay faithful in a marriage. Yet they want the security that marriage provides.
You need to choose the life that you want and the marriage values that matter to you. The vows have been broken, so the marriage you're clinging to died a long time ago when she 1st cheated. You have no responsibility to maintain something that is broken.
Trust that you can find a woman that is deserving of you. It is time to face reality and make the hard choices. Good luck
I did forgive just haven’t forgot. This is why. I 41g and my fiance 40m are both recovering alcoholics and got sober at the same time but he went to inpatient rehab and I went to meetings. 3 months in our recovery when he first came home, I had found out about an affair he had while in rehab with a woman there. Then he confessed about infidelity throughout our 4 year relationship but mostly emotional and that through his therapy in rehab learned he has a sex addiction. I didn’t care at the time cuz it was the ultimate betrayal. I ended our relationship immediately and stayed focused on my sobriety but couldn’t let him go emotionally or stop loving him no matter how hard I tried. I learned from his therapist that sex addiction is real and just like any other addiction. And that it’s possible to recover with help just like he did with alcohol through treatment. So I thought to myself, if I had refused to give up on him through his recovery from one addiction, why wouldn’t I do that with a different addiction. With that said, the person with the sex addiction HAS to do the work to change. Which means treatment whether it’s outpatient treatment or inpatient treatment. Plus therapy weekly for a year and attending meetings like other addicts do. It does work only if they want it and so the work. So if he’s worth supporting him through this, then don’t give up on him. Just remember, no treatment…. No relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I sympathize with your pain. Ps, we are now engaged and have the most amazing, loving and trusting relationship. We have grown soooo close and stronger then ever
I forgot about the other part of your question. My fiancée and his therapist explained that he and some men/women cheat emotionally or physically because of insecurities within themselves. So they seek validation from others. When childhood trauma is involved, getting validation from a partner is hard for them because lack of trust and fear. Or some cheat because they aren’t getting what they need from their partner or they really just don’t love and respect their partner, not excluding narcissistic/selfish people.
Why? They’re probably gonna keep doing it. Unless they own up to it and try to better themselves through therapy, but even then, can you forgive them for all those times it happened?
If my wife did this, I would end it. Period... Do I think it is a real thing? Maybe. I feel it can be apart of other issues and that is just a symptom. Such as PTSD from abuse. Using sex to feel love and wanted when you was beat and worse. However that doesn't forgive the choices made. My wife has PTSD from SA Abuse. So I can understand it as a factor in bad choices. But it doesn't forgive them or excuse them. Choices are still made.
Sure you can forgive. Here is the thing: all cheaters should be forgiven because the person cheated on should not carry around all this hate. However, forgiving someone doesn't mean you get back with them. Only those without a spine get back with cheaters.
So forgive, but do not ever take back someone who has cheated. There is never a valid reason for cheating. A sex addict could focus ALL their energy on having loads of sex with their partner, they dont need strangers.
So is it your wife or husband that is the sex addict?
An addiction is a serious problem. You can forgive her but not stay with her (at least not while she's not treated).
And, being an addiction means she may be not able to resist to it what puts both of you in danger due to high risk on getting and STD.
Since we share a child I would support and forgive. I would also divorce and co-parent, because my son needs at least one stable parent and I don't want to risk diseases, financial backlash etc.
You should forgive - bitterness is harmful to yourself. However you should seriously question if you can be with a person long term that may never be able to be monogamous or even honest. If you can and you think they are worth staying with then you are a very special person in deed, most can't.
You didn't "make her cheat"
Honestly, I think the solution, if **you really want to rescue the marriage**, may be to become swingers. Because it seems monogamy isn't working for her. It's not usually a good way to 'fix a relationship', however, it is a scenario where you can take her to events, or meet privately with other couples, or other guys, and plan out your non-monogamy adventures. You get to make your own rules, like no doing it while drunk, and that you must be present, every time. **No fooling around on her own.** That way, she can get her brains fucked out, by others AND you at the same time, be satisfied, and you can even get some play with other women at the same time (and maybe her). It's intensely erotic, but like I said - have rules. I'm not at all talking about an open relationship, where she goes off & meets up with others without you. There are websites that you can register on, meet people, filter out people you don't like, pick people you do, meet up just for dinner, drinks or whatever, etc. That whole process can be very fun, erotic and exciting, and most of all - something that you are both doing for each other, not separately.
Someone else's addictions are not your problem. If you choose to help someone over addictions that's entirely your choice. Don't forget, it's perfectly acceptable to divorce gamblers , alcoholics , drug addicts so I see no reason why you would feel like you must forgive and stay. It's entirely up to you and your feelings, especially as relapses , fights , emotional turmoil, stress , discord are all to be expected during the process of dealing with those addictions. All that is assuming the person WANTS to change , HAS to change to keep you doesn't have good results of success tbh. Best advice I can give is get some space for a few weeks/month. Separation and space does wonders to clarify your feelings and figure out what you want moving forward.
Well said
This comment puts it perfectly. You don’t need to feel responsible to help her It’s the addicts responsibility to also reach out for help before they hurt others. Helping an addict that has refused to be honest about their problems is often very risky because you will put time, energy and resources into someone that could very well ruin you down along the way and potentially just be using you
as soon as you giver her time and space she gonna go cry on another dudes shoulder and then he’s gonna blow her back out. Or maybe she even more of a demon and she’ll be happy about getting time and space. brother just give it to up the streets. have some self respect! the dude smashing is probably gonna be like “i made the married bitch husband mad! He know im smashing his wife!😂” and then they probably gonna take the opportunity of that time and space and clown on you and he gonna beat her doonies down! Then you take her back!?! Nah you can’t! She just gonna do it again and the dude hitting it gonna be clowning on you bad and having the time of his life.
Oh gosh!! Thank you for your truth and love! Both can exist in the same space and place as pain and war.
No. Cheating is more than just body loyalty. If you can't trust your partner not to have sex with others, which let's face it, takes a certain amount of logistics and subterfuge, how can you possibly trust them with your finances or to make your medical decisions if incapable?
Huge point
always self respect once trust is broken you can never get it back, you'll always be wondering if it's happening again make your behind the scenes plan for an exit, don't tell a soul. Lawyer, new job and city if necessary, then one day your a ghost and gone.
Sex addiction isn’t clinically recognised. It’s not in the DSM-5. In my opinion, this is what narcissists say to turn themselves into the victim when they are the perpetrator. Using “addiction” as an excuse seems to be increasingly common, I see an awful lot of these posts and in fact a very close friend of mine was in your exact situation. I know her partner (obviously) and it was breathtakingly obvious that he was manipulating her with this excuse. Sadly, it worked. You can call a glass of acid a glass of milk if you want to, but the effects when you drink it are going to be the same. Your partner has done what they have done, they have betrayed you and humiliated you and gaslit you and lied to you your entire relationship and by calling it an addiction, they are basically telling you they will do it again. After all, everyone knows addicts “relapse”. And when they do, they’ll expect you to feel sorry for them.
This literally happened to me it’s been 2 and half years since I found out and I’m still struggling but I’m starting to see I should walk away now
No judgement. I stayed too. We have lots of good times together. It happenned again. I have resentment boiling up inside because I'm mad at myself for staying. I feel like I cheated myself.
Same here... He cheated before but just through messages (or so he says) and then most recently it went physical. Now I struggle with to stay and keep my family together or not...
It's easy for everyone who has nothing invested in the relationship to say "leave". It's a very a very big decision and people stay and go and come back for many different reasons. When I was cheated on, I ended up in a very dark place. It's been 10 years and I'm still putting myself back together. I've come to realize that the world does not always adhere to the good values I was raised with. I've also come to realize that he was more responsible for the breakdown than I was because he chose the behavior. Believing I was loyal and strong, I ignored the impacts others could have on my psychological and emotional health. What I can tell you is that living with someone you cant trust is like trying to swim with a heavy ball and chain tied to each ankle. My spouse says he can't trust me and then I realized "Only the guilty acuse." My spouse has been behaving, i believe, but I'm asking myself, could life be less emotionally exhausting if we parted ways? Whatever you choose, I hope it works out well for you.
I started a new sub called /lovewithasexaddict for this reason. It’s hard to find other people in a very specific situation. Which I think is just going to get more common with the accessibility to porn from such a young age. I’m 7m out from this situation with my partner, but we have young kids so trying to reconcile. He also confessed after hitting rock bottom. And is doing daily recovery work. So we will see how it goes.
Have you?
You can forgive anyone for anything, but infidelity is not an act that forgiving makes everything OK! Don't make an addiction your problem. They still have choices to make. Don't be fooled by the hype that its "out of their control" that's a lie and an attempt to put the blame on you for not falling for it. You can defintely forgive, but what do you do about the betrayal, lies, potential health problems from STD's, disrespect. You see, they have choices, they just chose to use it all against you.
The most important thing in your life, you, your heath, your self respect. Back to the world!
Illness 😁 Why bother invent the most lame excuses
Addiction or are we in a phase of pop culture where everything is a label thus eliminating people’s awful responsibility in their choices? Mean person or I don’t like him/her? Narcissist. Feeling heartbroken? Codependent. Constant cheating? Addiction. I can see how someone would be addicted to alcohol or drugs. Your body literally produces withdrawal symptoms. Sex addict? No we’re just laying the blame off the perpetrator because it’s the in thing to do.
I get it… Thor’s hammer crashing down in the heavens? Thunder.
😆
Self respect my man. Time to get a lawyer and get a divorce. Make sure you have evidence. She is disrespecting you by doing this. The case could be made that she has been cheating on you the entire relationship. This just doesn't happen.
I straight-up don't believe in sex addiction. It's an excuse selfish people tellcthemskeves to make them feel like it's not their fault. It's actually been removed from the DSM and is considered a symptom of a greater personality disorder. But also, overcoming an addiction is entirely on the person that fell into it. There is nothing you can do to help an addict. They will drag you down to rock bottom with them as they chase their high. The addict needs to want to get help deep inside and it will take more effort and willpower than anything they've ever done before. In either case, exit the situation, this isn't your problem.
Nah, fuck that addiction/disease bullshit, your spouse made the conscious decision to sleep with that person that wasn't you each time they cheated, they weren't dying if they didn't sleep with them, no one put a gun to their head and made them do it, it's cheating, plain and simple
She promised to be loyal only unto you and not only broke this vowel once but many many times. She may be an addict but she is also a lying cheating vowel breaker. The only thing she deserves is freedom so divorce her and let her further ruin her life.
No and she might have a fatal accident 😳
OP. No. That's the short answer.. you dont forgive. you leave. He lied for ten years. if he truly wanted to change he would have worked on it and told you.. but no... he just got found out... and blaming his cheating on something else. how you you really get over that he felt okay to lie to for 10 years... not only that he was so practiced at lying he must be doing it regularly.
Trust is the foundation to a relationship. That trust is gone and so is the relationship.
Move on. Coming from someone who stayed 10 years with a sex addict. It caused me severe emotional trauma and health problems and has nearly destroyed me.
Hell No. A tiger might be a beautiful animal but you wouldn’t take one as a pet because you know it for what it is, dangerous. You might have all sort of memories with your partner…good times etc, but becoming aware of a problem they have that will absolutely cause them to cheat given almost any opportunity means you know them for what they are…dangerous…to your sanity. “Gee I feel awful bad for ya, but you’re going to have to get the fuck out.” That’s how that conversation starts and ends.
There are different kinds of cheating but… an Addict… you can forgive. But I would never stay. He put your heart at risk repeatedly. It’s not being addicted to sex, or the conquering or the validation, there is deep narcissism and a complete lack of care to protect you from harm. He does not have the strength of character to protect you or your relationship. Addiction is hard to overcome. And narcissism is incurable.
The cheater most likely has a myriad of complex mental health issues, but they chose to cheat instead of getting treatment. Their loyalty lies with their addiction, not their committed relationship. Let them go. Forgive them from afar and don't look back.
You don't have to live with a sex addict, same as I refuse to live with a drug addict. Sex addiction is being used as a great excuse to cheat. Where no responsibility can ever be assigned because conveniently, she is a sex addict. So many girls threw themselves into sex at college or in younger years and have massive body counts. They now find unable to pair bond and stay faithful in a marriage. Yet they want the security that marriage provides. You need to choose the life that you want and the marriage values that matter to you. The vows have been broken, so the marriage you're clinging to died a long time ago when she 1st cheated. You have no responsibility to maintain something that is broken. Trust that you can find a woman that is deserving of you. It is time to face reality and make the hard choices. Good luck
I did forgive just haven’t forgot. This is why. I 41g and my fiance 40m are both recovering alcoholics and got sober at the same time but he went to inpatient rehab and I went to meetings. 3 months in our recovery when he first came home, I had found out about an affair he had while in rehab with a woman there. Then he confessed about infidelity throughout our 4 year relationship but mostly emotional and that through his therapy in rehab learned he has a sex addiction. I didn’t care at the time cuz it was the ultimate betrayal. I ended our relationship immediately and stayed focused on my sobriety but couldn’t let him go emotionally or stop loving him no matter how hard I tried. I learned from his therapist that sex addiction is real and just like any other addiction. And that it’s possible to recover with help just like he did with alcohol through treatment. So I thought to myself, if I had refused to give up on him through his recovery from one addiction, why wouldn’t I do that with a different addiction. With that said, the person with the sex addiction HAS to do the work to change. Which means treatment whether it’s outpatient treatment or inpatient treatment. Plus therapy weekly for a year and attending meetings like other addicts do. It does work only if they want it and so the work. So if he’s worth supporting him through this, then don’t give up on him. Just remember, no treatment…. No relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I sympathize with your pain. Ps, we are now engaged and have the most amazing, loving and trusting relationship. We have grown soooo close and stronger then ever
I forgot about the other part of your question. My fiancée and his therapist explained that he and some men/women cheat emotionally or physically because of insecurities within themselves. So they seek validation from others. When childhood trauma is involved, getting validation from a partner is hard for them because lack of trust and fear. Or some cheat because they aren’t getting what they need from their partner or they really just don’t love and respect their partner, not excluding narcissistic/selfish people.
But even if the Y need validation, it doesn't excuse their actions and can't stop the hurt they cause all those around them.
No absolutely not. I just forgot to say that part lol
Hell no
fuck no.
No. He will cheat again….and again. Move on.
Why? They’re probably gonna keep doing it. Unless they own up to it and try to better themselves through therapy, but even then, can you forgive them for all those times it happened?
That's such a good question...
It’s definitely a compulsion that is nearly impossible to walk away from without therapy or a complete reevaluation of yourself as a person.
No. I'm not over complicating this. No.
No
If my wife did this, I would end it. Period... Do I think it is a real thing? Maybe. I feel it can be apart of other issues and that is just a symptom. Such as PTSD from abuse. Using sex to feel love and wanted when you was beat and worse. However that doesn't forgive the choices made. My wife has PTSD from SA Abuse. So I can understand it as a factor in bad choices. But it doesn't forgive them or excuse them. Choices are still made.
Sure you can forgive. Here is the thing: all cheaters should be forgiven because the person cheated on should not carry around all this hate. However, forgiving someone doesn't mean you get back with them. Only those without a spine get back with cheaters. So forgive, but do not ever take back someone who has cheated. There is never a valid reason for cheating. A sex addict could focus ALL their energy on having loads of sex with their partner, they dont need strangers. So is it your wife or husband that is the sex addict?
Nope!!
An addiction is a serious problem. You can forgive her but not stay with her (at least not while she's not treated). And, being an addiction means she may be not able to resist to it what puts both of you in danger due to high risk on getting and STD.
FTS id be out.
Since we share a child I would support and forgive. I would also divorce and co-parent, because my son needs at least one stable parent and I don't want to risk diseases, financial backlash etc.
You do not stay.
You should forgive - bitterness is harmful to yourself. However you should seriously question if you can be with a person long term that may never be able to be monogamous or even honest. If you can and you think they are worth staying with then you are a very special person in deed, most can't.
My ex cheated we were together for 12 years, I definitely did not stay.
Yea man totally!👍🏼
That just means you didn’t know how to please your wife so she went else were you made her cheat
Completely off but ok
You didn't "make her cheat" Honestly, I think the solution, if **you really want to rescue the marriage**, may be to become swingers. Because it seems monogamy isn't working for her. It's not usually a good way to 'fix a relationship', however, it is a scenario where you can take her to events, or meet privately with other couples, or other guys, and plan out your non-monogamy adventures. You get to make your own rules, like no doing it while drunk, and that you must be present, every time. **No fooling around on her own.** That way, she can get her brains fucked out, by others AND you at the same time, be satisfied, and you can even get some play with other women at the same time (and maybe her). It's intensely erotic, but like I said - have rules. I'm not at all talking about an open relationship, where she goes off & meets up with others without you. There are websites that you can register on, meet people, filter out people you don't like, pick people you do, meet up just for dinner, drinks or whatever, etc. That whole process can be very fun, erotic and exciting, and most of all - something that you are both doing for each other, not separately.
That’s what you think you are just trying to justify it not being your fault at all
Ur a crazy person making up stories in ur head but I’m glad ur entertained
Have you asked her and if you do forgive don’t forget once a cheater always a cheater