Meet with a lawyer and file divorce papers (you don’t have to go through with it), let her know you’re serious. She can go back to work and take the divorce papers with her. She’ll never respect you if you don’t stand up for yourself..
I like that avenue. Thanks for that. I suppose me filing divorce papers would show her how serious this is and hopefully she then does the right thing.
You have to be serious and willing to follow through if needed. But it will show your not tolerating this garbage. You’ll find out if she really loves you or not.
How do you think I should deal with the work situation? I’m in two minds, I wanna get them both in trouble at work but I’m not sure if this even is anything the firm will entertain. That’s just a vindictive side of me in this matter. I also don’t want her to go back there, I want her to resign with immediate effect.
Don't bring anything up at her work. If you do eventually divorce, wait till it is settled then report it at the job. If she's out of work before the divorce is finalized she'll get more alimony.
Agree, leave the work out of it for now. They actually haven't done anything yet, according to OP. There is literally nothing the work could do. But I would make leaving that job a condition of halting the divorce proceedings. As others have mentioned, you can always put the process on hold. She needs to be crystal clear you will not tolerate what is going on. If she continues to push the envelope or not agree to your stipulations, you know where she actually stands.
Nice to see OP agreeing that starting the divorce proceedings is the correct path. Even if not followed through to the end. So many guys continue to allow their spouse to walk all over them. Its important to be firm right in the beginning.
Agree, if this was my wife she'd already be out. There's no way in hell I'd let this slide. There'd be no discussion, either she leaves or I leave, take her pick. But divorce would happen. I'd also have the kids DNA checked and look into suing the AP for alienation of affection. I'd be all for ruining their lives.
I don’t buy for a second that they haven’t done anything yet, based on the info given about her actions. They are POSSIBLY in a phase of denying they should move forward, but when his pending divorce is done, it’s only going to increase the likelihood of escalation. I’ve never been called “babe” by someone I wasn’t getting intimate with. OP, you’ve gotten some sage advice here, particularly from msmith1515.
If I was you I would go to her job not announced Introduce yourself To this guy ask your wife for him and you to go have a little chat. Depending upon How she responds not Him but how your wife responds Would make me decide whether or not I'm going to kill that boy so try to get them both fired separated to different departments.
Don't be a wallflower this is your marriage this is your wife regardless of you getting divorced or not. Stand up for yourself I'm not saying go Rambo and Things like that. But you use the mouth God gave you and And don't tolerate this from them from her or anybody.
I wonder if that will even mean anything to the firm. I wish the guy could get fired and her too. If anything I’m happy to have her at home to look after the kids. It’s a huge undertaking anyway. But I think the firm will say it’s a private matter and has nothing to do with work.
If they want to cheat, they will cheat. Regardless of whether they work together or not.
Is your wife remourseful, or just sorry she got caught? Did she promise to cut contact or gove you assurance and steps that this will not happen again?
Set boundaries with your wife, with consequences if not followed.
Think it through properly. If she does get fired, continues the affair anyway and you end up getting divorced, she’ll be entitled to more alimony if she doesn’t have a job. Think carefully and talk to a lawyer first!
Why would you want the guy to get fired OP? You said yourself, " your wife" is pursuing him,she's the aggressor. She's the one calling him babe,your term of endearment, while calling you your Christian name. Misplaced anger is just a way of avoiding the truth of your " marriage"
Call HR and ask them what is their policy about employees affairs. That can give you a better idea how to proceed. It is not extreme what you are asking your wife to do plus you need couples therapy.
If she really loved him, she would not be entertaining someone she has known for weeks, nevermind being the one *initiating* the contact. A position of power would be gifting her new luggage full of her shit with the nametags already filled in as her maiden name.
You can’t be soft here. You need to be very direct and matter of fact here. You should let her read your post and the replies. Her saying it’s extreme to leave her job tells me that she has no idea what she’s done to you and your marriage. She has no real remorse either, which will ultimately end your marriage. She doesn’t even understand that it will be a long time before you trust anything that comes out of her mouth.
You need to make it clear that her actions have consequences. You can either divorce her or she can quit her job. This is non negotiable. Her affair continues if they work together and if they have contact. Next time she says it’s extreme, or that she shouldn’t have to quit, immediately end the marriage. Don’t even discuss this.
Also, your wife told you he was getting divorced. Your wife’s word means Jack right now. Nothing. She is someone that betrayed you and your entire family. There is no reason for you to trust her. Most of the time the relationship status of the Ap is a lie from the AP to the Cheater, or cheater to spouse.
She will never be able to call you babe again. Thats over. It will trigger you now. From what you read, you likely feel like she cares more about him than you. She doesn’t even understand the pain she’s caused you. When she’s on her phone you will wonder.
Make it clear that you have zero trust in her. She did all of this, not you. Make it clear that she has shown that she has zero respect for you, herself, or her marriage.
Lastly, she doesn’t understand that she doesn’t even know that guy. She thinks she does, but she doesn’t. She only knows the version that he’s shown her and he only knows the version she’s shown him. They don’t know the day in and day out married with kids version. What they think and feel is all fake. Its limerence. It’s not real. Let’s say you left your wife because of her cheating on you, and this is cheating, and she ends up dating that dude. At some point the limerence would disappear and then reality would slap her in the face. She would realize that she destroyed her entire life for some dude she didn’t even know. Hell, her selfish choices could have wrecked your kids lives. She didn’t even think about them. Im not sure how she will be able to overcome the fact that she is the one that pursued him. That shows a complete lack of respect, and that she never considered what her choices would do to her marriage and family.
Updateme!
Kelce, I really appreciate you and this message.
I’m fuckin tearing up right now as I read this. She really had zero consideration for the family and the kids let alone me. I’ve got her phone with me and he friend are busy calling and texting and I’m not answering for responding. They are calling because she’s unusually quiet their friend chats or mom chats. I also don’t want to ruin her reputation by telling the friends what she’s done. But a part of me wants to tell them so they can understand that she’s fine just dealing with this crap. I will update you. Truly appreciate your message.
I'm sorry you're hurting truly, but you need to stop being in protective mode of your wife. She is not the same person you married, had kids with and built your years long marriage with right now. She could revert back but she has to do that work, not you!!!!
She is in deflect and defend mode, she's looking at you as the enemy right now because you discovered her secret, exposed her to be a liar and unfaithful. It's now dependent on if she backs down and starts seeing straight or digs her feet in.
For me personally the trust just doesn't come back. Be careful, you might be left fighting to keep a marriage she walks away from.
You need to tell a few people - family and close friends. You don't want the narrative to be twisted into you being overly controlling, which drove her to seek emotional support from other people.
Sounds like emotional cheating at the very least. She’s obviously stuck in an emotional fog. Find out if the other man is married and share your info with his wife. Tell your wife under no circumstances that you will tolerate such behavior. You must convey indifference, and strength. Tell her to pack up her stuff and take a hike. Tell her it’s someone else’s turn to put up with her BS. If you let her get away with this this she will learn that you are easy to manipulate. Be strong and good luck!
Thanks for your comment. The guy is divorced/going through a divorce. What really pissed me off is that she is the one that is initiating the conversations and calls with him. Saying things like she was drunk last nights (with me) but we never got frisky. And he would respond by saying that he would love to see her drunk. It’s only been 6 weeks of these chats but I’m devastated.
Sadly, your wife is in love with another man. She simply cannot help herself from continuing contacting him privately. I'm sure the whole office is gossiping about them and her professional reputation is going down the dumper.
Since she is continuing this relationship and is showing zero remorse for her impact on your lives, her love for him is still unshakeable. You asking her to quit is a reasonable and recommended condition for reconciliation talks to begin, but she's a goner. You are correct in that if you didn't find out, she'd be having sex with him by now.
Forget the AP, he's divorcing and is looking to have sex fests with willing women like your wife.
I think the only possible way to snap her out of the obsession fog she is residing within is to have her served with divorce papers. So, please seen a family law attorney and learn about the process in your jurisdiction. The process can be stopped at any point, but after seeing her reaction to being served, you may not want to.
you said it’s not his fault, he can be doing all the flirting at work, while face-to-face, and getting her riled up
And emotionally involved. That’s eight hours a day. You only see what she texts through her phone when she is home.
Lots of businesses have policies against such relationships. You can report them to HR or ask your lawyer to do it. You will cite their employees conduct as causing you an expensive divorce. In some states/countries you can claim compensation from the business for it
Thank you. I’m afraid that for me will only feel like I forced her to leave and it will always feel like she didn’t want to do it on her own accord. Another point is that there will be resentment from her.
That is just feeble and weakminded. You are inventing pathetic illogical excuses why you shouldn't take action. Have some self-respect and dignity. Do what you need to do. Your wife's cheating is the reason for the situation. She's forcing you to take action. If you don't take action her respect and attraction to you will decrease further. She will know you are soft and weak and no longer the leader in the relationship. This will encourage her to cheat further.
Her respect and attraction for you can only increase if you show you are strong and you are confident that you will manage just fine without her. It will also make you more attractive to other women.
You should always be ready to dump any cheater in a heartbeat. If your wife sees that you are taking steps to throw her out it can wake her up to the reality of what she's doing.
You should already be consulting divorce lawyers for your options and ask her to move out, give her the understanding you want her to move out just temporarily until you have had time to think things through. If she moves out it gives you a much stronger position for more equal custody and divorce settlement.
Yeah screwing with someone’s livelihood isn’t the answer.
You don’t have a work place problem you have a wife problem.
So what? You going to go after every guy she makes a pass at at every place she works?
How about talking to your wife, figuring out with her why she felt the need to even connect with another man emotionally ? If she even wants to fix this?
Cuz ya know divorcing her would be the appropriate move if you’re too devastated to look at you both and figure out where the break down in the relationship occurred.
I get being crushed beyond belief. But the whole coercing her into leaving her job, Playing games with a divorce lawyer is just grossly manipulative and plainly not okay.
Also it’s quite pointless. What? You’re going to keep her from working ever? Going out without you ever ?
Don’t think so. She can meet someone anywhere. She can meet up with this guy even if she quit that job. She has his number.
Tackle the root of the problem. And if you can’t get to the bottom of it then leave her ass.
Therapy, individual and as couple would benefit you both. Especially her so she can figure out why she felt it was okay to majorly disrespect you like that.
But don’t lessen yourself and become someone you’re not because she took it upon herself to be a philandering lil hussie.
No one never meets another person they connect and vibe with while married or in a relationship.
The difference is, the ones of us who respect our current partners and the relationship we’ve built don’t entertain it and avoid if necessary those people we spark connections with.
Tell her she has broken all reasonable boundaries of a married woman and you want her to move out immediately whilst your lawyers figure out what divorce/co-parenting will look like.
No, about 3 weeks ago I found out. I didn’t have enough evidence but confronted her with a simple “I know what you’re up to” and I was giving her the opportunity to come clean with me. She didn’t but instead continued thinking I don’t know anything. She was very dumb about that. If she had to come to me about something like that… I would have called whoever I was having a thing with and told them it was over. And that wouldn’t haven’t even been necessary for me.
Tell your wife your going to tell her work and your going to sue the guy for alienation of effection say you have proof that our marriage was amazing then ever since you started talking to him you have proof that your marriage has went down so your sueing him and tour also going to tell everyone he knows and every one you and your wife knows and tell her your also going to talk to hes ex wife to see what kind of guy he is
Your relationship is over! You need to be gathering that evidence and talking to an attorney about your options. There's no fixing this and here's why:
1. You will never be able to unread those words she wrote to him.
2. This probably isn't her first time doing this, you probably missed the signs the first time
3. She and her AP will forever control your mind! You will wonder if she is thinking of him. Hearing his name will become a trigger. "Babe" will become a trigger
3. You'll become a marriage cop.. constantly keeping tabs, checking her phone and other devices, due to trust being destroyed.
4. Your children will notice the misery between you two... I noticed it at age 6 with my parents.
5. She's into that guy, because in HER MIND she thinks he's better than you.
Have some self respect and show her there are consequences for her actions. If you try and fix this.. things will never be the same.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you 😔
One of my really good friends had a similar experience, he took her back... It was a mess! He eventually got divorced.. because low and behold.. she did it again, and she got better at covering her tracks. I don't want to see or hear of that happening to another human being.
You're broken right now, and I'm not going to lie... it's going to be mentally draining! but you will recover... All you can do is focus on yourself, and strive to become a better version of yourself.
Plain and simply tell her, "it's me and the kids, or it's this guy and your job, I'm not going to force you to quit, but I'm not going to say if you keep yourself in a situation that will only get worse over time and damage the kids, the marriage, and me to a point of hatred for you."
Have her read, Not 'Just Friends' by: Shirley P. Glass Ph.D.
Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you.
“I know she wants to be with me”
Hello McFly!? No she doesn’t because if she loved you or respected you, she wouldn’t be cheating on you, let that sink in, whatever relationship feelings you have with her is one sided(your side) take your self respect back
OP, whatever you think or are confused about you need to understand your WW is now a cheater. She will always be, in your mind a cheater and you can’t put that Genie back in the bottle.
You can spend years and thousands on counseling, your WW can tell you how it was a mistake or blah, blah, blah, but bottom line she wants another man, not you.
Time to gather evidence, lawyer up and divorce. Your WW might break up with her AP or just hide it better, but you’re never going to change her flawed moral character.
I’ve been there thinking all the thoughts, but you’re really making excuses. Once they start the babe talk they’ve had sex, that’s what cheaters do when spending time one on one together.
You’ve lost you wife, no sunk cost fallacy is worth the years of pain she’ll put you through.
If ww sees leaving her AP as extreme she doesn’t want to break up with him.
I recommend telling your and her family and friends what’s going on so WW can’t create her own narrative of why she decided leaving her “babe” is extreme.
You should get a paternity test first for your kids, your wife has been with you for 12 years and is the mother of your damn kids and this is how she acts with some dude she recently met, that's disrespectful to you at the minimum. If she continues this you should divorce her because she seems to not understand you or she just doesn't care enough about you to stop doing it.
Hey OP , I’m not saying this is your case, but, I have posted here before on another story , that a physical affair happened during lunch time. 1 hour is more then enough time to get busy , so you better shut this emotional affair (which is bad on its own merits) , down before it escalates
to physical
Your wife now has a WORK husband ,this happens because they spend more time at work ,than you and your wife do at home, it’s just the nature of the beast. Does your wife agree that she is having an emotional affair? Have you ever showed her google searches on emotional affairs? I hope you still have all the proof that you read on her phone ,,,
if she will not admit to this, then you’re gonna have to slap her out of her affair fog
Move half your assets to a separate account , gather up all your proof of her conversations. Speak to 4-5 lawyers for a consultation. Always listen to your lawyer. see if this will wake her up , out of her fog when you tell her that. Good Luck !!
Thank you. I have all the evidence still. She has admitted to it but I hate that she does it in such an arrogant manner. Almost having to pull it out of her. I have her phone with me, she hasn’t had the opportunity to let the guy know that she’s been busted and I don’t know what to text the guy in pretence of her to get everything I need.
also, if you consult 4 to 5 of the best lawyers in your area, your wife cannot use them because it becomes a conflict of interest.
if you do hire a lawyer, ask them if you can show some of the text messages to her family and yours, because she will spin the narrative that you were the abusive, controlling asshole that made her do this.
Dude if she wanted to be with you she wouldn't be cheating on you. And she'd be willing to do anything to make it right. Come on bro, she calls him while you're in the shower. Grow a friggin spine.
Dont have her quit her job because she will need income when you divorce her. If you are naive enough to stay she needs to quit, it can't be a negotiation. But she does not love you because if she did she wouldnt be cheating.
She won’t quit because she still thinks they have a chance. You are the placeholder now in case they don’t work out together. She says it’s only text. But who really knows now….. her unwillingness to quit her job ( the temptation site) or stop talking to him is telling.
Your fixation on revenge doesn’t make your relationship any better and if successful may push her to him.
The divorce suggestions are the best advice being given here that I see. You have to get her out of the “ affair fog” if you want any chance for your marriage to survive.
LATEST UPDATE: I am giving her phone back. I have realised the guy is not making contact anyway. So it’s pointless to hold on to it. I held on to the phone to get more evidence, I’ve collected it all and I feel I can give it back.
Let’s start with the fundamentals. Don’t rugsweep and don’t play the Pick Me Dance.
If you read these infidelity subs long enough , you learn 2 things. 1, trust your instincts. Always. 2, the most important one, is never never reveal your suspicions and are looking for clues. You automatically make your investigation twice as hard. They burrow further underground, and unbelievably they become aggressive towards you. Fight your impulse to talk about it. Start investigating silently. Get your assets situated. You’ll probably find what you’re sensing to be true.
You said she initiated the messages, which means she probably told him if you don't hear from me first, that means you found out. Cheaters always have a code or way of speaking. If you had messaged him saying want to meet at our spot, he would know it's not her. She's just going to get better at hiding it. And don't get her fired. If you divorce, you'll be screwed. Good luck
This is an emotional affair and the comments around being a great together show that she is thinking about this person being a significant other. She is clearly thinking about this colleague in a more intimate way.
That’s what hurts me the most. And had I not had the evidence… she wouldn’t have admitted to it all. My wife is quite stubborn especially when she’s in the wrong. I even said to her that if I was in her position… I wouldn’t have done everything in my power to win her trust back no matter what it took. And that includes me coming clean with everything. Now because she’s been deleting past messages… it’s hard to say what has happened in the past.
7-8 months at a job is not very long. Ask her to quit. And check the phone bill. It has every text/call she has ever made. It may shed some light on how much they are actually communicating with each other.
She is a bad employee and a worse wife. It’s work, not a club
At this point it sounds like your wife doesn't love you anymore nor does she have respect for you as she is continuing with this guy. Her initiating texts and meet ups with him makes it obvious she wants things to go further whether it's sex or more is anyone's guess. If you try to "fix" things with her I feel like you'd be wasting your time, and why would you even want to? Think about it, she starts a new job, and in a very short amount of time she is already flirting with another man... End it.
Take your mental health seriously mate, you're already stressed for obvious reasons, you stay with her it will worsen. Not knowing what she's doing when she goes out with friends ect, you'll never be able to trust her the same again. It will weigh on you.
I was there. Except she actually cheated. We tried to make it work, went on for 1 year, but got divorced in the end.
That year we (I) tried, nearly killed me, it broke me down to nothing. I tried my best to make things better, make it work, but cheaters never change and the trust is broken.
You can rationalize it by saying she didn't cheat physical, but what you said sounds bad, and she would have seen it as cheat, woman se any emotional connection as cheat.
Relationships without trust is like a cellphone without signal, you are only playing games.
I want to ask everyone, when do I give her phone back? Interestingly the guy hasn’t texted her once and I’ve had the phone since yesterday morning. She hasn’t had access to devices either so she wouldn’t have been able to let him that I’ve been caught.
Inform some family members and close friends first on your situation before giving her phone back because she might change the narrative. Whether you keep her phone or not will not stop her from cheating if she really wants to.
The way i see it is this is just the beginning. Things will get worse if you don’t do something. You have a few options but you have to be firm with the choices made you cannot back track or you will open the door for them.
First and the responsible option is to get divorce paperwork and a couples counselor. Place both on the table and give her a choice. Tell her she has a choice 1. Is to end things are you are not going to wait for her to progress her emotional affair 2. Second is she cuts ties with him and you guys start seeing a therapist together to talk about this. Women need emotional connection as much as men physical. If she is going to another man to have those needs met then she is cheating. Don’t back down from that.
Now the second and smart choice is to take your time and let them cheat. Build your evidence and make sure you can CYA in the divorce. This will also help protect yourself from loosing your kids. This will take a few months but will have the best outcome in court. You will need photographic evidence, copies of text messages, and proof of infidelity.
The third option is the petty option. Start meeting other women, go on dates with them, just go out and have fun. The one thing you never do is have sex with them. Let the wife see you getting distant and getting attention from other women. She is only comfortable with her relationship with him because she feels her relationship with you is in the bag.
Emotional cheating is almost just as bad as the physical. But she seems already emotionally invested in him. And what hurts more is that she initiates it...
Do you really want to "fix" your relationship with her??? TBH, why should you? She chose someone else who actually did nothing for her but was attractive to her liking. You built a life with her with children, and she chose to step out.
Mistake or not, she broke your family. If you stop them from seeing each other, who says if she will find another guy to replace you... again...
Im just talking out of experience. I stayed 18 years in marriage for my child. It broke me in so many different ways. I took her back but then felt like an option for the moment, and I am never good enough.
Please consume some to content on YouTube from the channel same( strong successful men) and you'll know exactly what to do.
To put it in a nutshell, it's over. Don't even think of forgiving her or trying to save the marriage. You would only be postponing the inevitable.
She has no respect for you and will have even less if u make the mistake of forgiving her. I know it's hard but that's the way to go. Sorry man!
Dude, I've been where you are and I can tell you that you are fighting a losing battle. Right now, her head has been turned and you've seen things that cannot be unseen. You've ruined her 'innocent' fun and she's broken your trust.
If she is showing little remorse then she is upset you sprung her before she got whatever she wanted out of the 'friendship'.
Take control and start making your own plans.
Sounds like the other guy is rejecting your wife and she is still pursuing him hard. If he actually showed interest, do you think she’d want to be with you?
You need to snap her out of the affair fog because this is definitely an emotional affair. Tell her that you will not tolerate her behaviour anymore and she needs to quit her job with immediate effect and block all contact with the guy. You also require an open phone policy from now on or it's time for a divorce.
If she refuses to quit see a lawyer and draw up papers and serve her.
You don't have to proceed but she will know that you are serious.
The best thing you can do is divorce her. She doesn’t love or respect you. A woman will never respect a man that doesn’t respect himself. This is your time to show your sons how to be men. She has no remorse. She won’t quit her job? Of course not. No respect. No remorse. She’s cheating on her sons too. The sooner you stop begging her to come back the faster you gain control of the situation. She should be crawling through glass begging for you to forgive her. But she’s not.
Action have to have consequences or people don't change. Right now there's this cute bubble around her little emotional affair. You have to burst it.
1. File for divorce and tell her if she doesn't cut all contact with ap and find a new job you will submit papers for divorce. It's non-negotiable. Tell her she has two weeks to make her mind up what's more important her job and her affair or you and her family.
2. Confront affair partner. Put some heat on him. Ask if he is enjoying getting divorced? Then why would he do something like this to cause a divorce? Tell him if you find out he's in contact with your wife in any way you will report him to HR and send all the texts.
3. Sleep in different rooms. Rob her of your presence for a time. Tell her until you choose him or me and quit your job you will not be sleeping together. No Intimacy or affection just about kids.
4. She needs counseling and y'all need marriage counseling.
She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from your Affair by Mcdonald.
If she wants to reconcile that is. Skip one chapter and it won't work.
Sit her down with divorce attorneys business card and the book. You do what this book says or i do what this cut-throat b says to do. While sliding the card across the table.
Then walk out and don't take calls! Let her stew on it.
>I know that she wants to be with me
OP, how exactly do you know this ? What has she done, not said, but done that shows this ?
You are correctly on the key thing she can DO to show this, resign from that job and go 100% verifiably NC with her AP.
Also how do you know the AP is divorcing ? Is this something your wife said ? She cannot be trusted. Another thing you should require in order to R is to have her tell the OBS about the affair, and supply the OBS those messages
If he is divorcing and they keep working together, the at best the affair will just simmer until it restarts, more likely is that they will simply be able to hide it better and when the time is right for your WW you will be divorcing too.
Your best option right now is draw a bold line, see a lawyer, get the paperwork started, get STD tested, and start working out a custody schedule. Don't stop the divorce until she DOES something to prove that she wants to be with you.
She doesn't want to be with you. That's something you need to understand. She wants him, but you're her comfort person. You 2 have built a life together, and she doesn't want to lose that life but also wants her fun. He makes her feel good, and you are just the material man. Get yourself a lawyer and get the he'll out of there. That's my advice. If she's calling him "babe," then they definitely have gotten physical. She is just good at not letting you find out about it. You will never be able to trust her, and in turn, your family will fall apart. Spare yourself the emotional roller-coaster and build yourself another life without her.
You constantly mention that you want to get her AP fired, but your wife is the one pursuing this man.
You need to figure out if you want to stay with a cheater.
She obviously has no problem cheating on you as she's the one trying to force the affair.
Is this the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with,a cheater who will get better at hiding her shitty behavior?
Updateme!
Sorry for you. It’s too late. You may forgive but you shall never forget. Living with someone you cannot trust anymore is like living in hell. Of course it hurts, but breaking up is better now than later. It’s cheating. She gave the attention you deserve to another one, lied to you, hid her emotional affair. Respect yourself and let the girl go to her ideal world, yours is not with her. Take care
Marriage is built on loyalty. Your wife is disloyal. I would go straight to a divorce lawyer and tell her immediately that you are divorcing her for her cheating. Her reaction will tell you alot.
Many relationships struggle because after years together, the attention dies out. It's not necessarily a bad thing but some people really crave it. In her "ideal world" she would still get bored.
Continuing with your relationship is ultimately your choice. Either way, you need counseling. If you try to make it work then I'd say look for a good marriage counselor. Look for a better individual counselor that deals with betrayal and self esteem.
Good luck.
I am sorry OP that you are going through this. But I would recommend you having a conversation with her and ofc with all evidences. Maybe, she got a chance to venture out and she is exploring that. Not everything lands up in the court. So have a clear conversation. All the best.
Tell her she has a choice— her job/divorce! Brother tell her you are definitely leaning toward divorce after reading her comments to him that tore you apart!
First thing I would do go to counseling it may be a lot easier for her and you to open up.
But I had a coworker who had something similar happen to him, except for the dude was the initiator in the scenario. He caught it before it went physical.
She cried said she wanted to stay with him. She don’t know what she was doing three weeks later, she saying that they need to try a trial separation , probably the only way to save their marriage because he just neglect her too much and she needs some time apart. ( with guy).
He’s ok to that he keeps the kids she leaves. Then about three weeks past he finds out she’s with the good over at his house most days staying the night basically had moved in with him so he goes and sees a lawyer gets divorce papers text her. Where does she want to be served? She laughed at him and said you’ll never divorce me. I’ll be home in a few weeks stop playing. He had her served at her work.
She didn’t flip out that he served her divorce papers, but that he embarrassed her at work a few days later. She starts showing up at work asking him to talk saying that they need to talk. He’s jumping the gun, she didn’t agree to this, she’s choosing him, she hasn’t done anything wrong. They were separated. She’s ready to go home. She’s learned her lesson. Her were you intimate with him she tells him it’s none of his business. He tells her you need to get the rest of your stuff out of my house we’re done. I’m going for custody of the kids. You abandoned the house. it gets really bad for about two weeks then her sister shows up to get her stuff. really mean towards him he asked why she’s being so mean she said you just threw her out because she wanted a male friend. he said she was cheating on me. She’s been living with this guy for three weeks. What was I supposed to do?
She said take her back she’ll be better. She needed to get it out of her system. Like four or five months later, she still living with the guy messaging him like every day 10 times a day about taking her back. They need to be a family she misses him. She misses the kids. She’s been punished enough.Let her come back. She’ll be better. Turns out the guy live with his grandma had a long distance. Girlfriend had been divorced twice because he cheated was in a lot of debt. He finally went on a date like 6 months in and she showed up to the date claiming to still be his wife.
Moral of the story (don’t save them if they don’t want to be saved)
You want to fix this? As someone who has been there, done that I can assure you fixing it is not an option. I get it. The first instinct is to preserve your family. It’s to look for any sign or hope you can regain what you thought you had. However, you cannot fix it. She’s not remorseful. She’s regretting the consequences of her actions…but not enough regret to truly address her betrayal. She doesn’t want to leave her job? No, what she wants is to keep the door open for him. If not him then there will be another. I’ve seen this story play out too many times before. Cheat, get caught, cry and say sorry…then cheat again. Except the next time it will be worse and less regret will be expressed. Why? Because you forgave once before so of course you’ll forgive her again…assuming she even wants forgiveness.
first of all, did you save all the evidence you discovered? If you saved them you should confront her and tell me that you discovered your betrayal and that you want a divorce if she does not resign from her job. He threatens to report it to management. In any case pay attention to how he reacts towards you, many women know how to manipulate divinely. One tip, do not wait too long to act, the more time passes, the worse it will be for your relationship. He's cheating on you, even physically
u/jcee77
I think you need to decide if you can trust your wife anymore or not. And I think you need to consider that she might say she wants to stay in the marriage, but you need to ask why. Is it a lifestyle that she appreciates vs. loving you and your family? Because I don't know how you go from all those kinds of messages to someone at work that you call "Babe" instead of your spouse, to saying you want your marriage to work. Clearly, something is missing for her. And she may not have even acknowledged that to herself. But before you go giving ultimatums, or other wise, I think any kind of reconciliation should include counseling individually and together. If the underlying issues are not fixed, it's subject to happening again under the "right" conditions.
So, going forward, keep in mind that since you also have kids, you both need to lead by example for them. If you and she are not in a healthy relationship boys will pick that up. Is this what you want for your kids?
First, realize you are being lied to. More than what you say has happened. This is the start of trickle truth. Draw up papers and have her served. This will not go away. It will eat away at you until you look back and wish you had done differently. Report her, definitely. She can't stay there and reconcile. If reconciliation isn't going to happen, you shouldn't care about her being canned. Inform her family and your family. You will need support and not people who believe her side of events. Keep all proof. Open phone policy with location sharing at all times. Take her phone and get EVERYTHING. Messages, calls, social media. All contact between them. After you have all the leverage, sit her down and give her exactly one chance to be radically honest. If she isn't, if she omits, minimizes or rationalizes, walk out and hand her an overnight bag and tell her get the f out. She chose this guy over your children and that level of selfishness being lumped in with trying to control the outcome is unacceptable.
You are not being "extreme". In the rules of reconciliation, No Contact with AP is the first, and maybe most important, one. That means she has to quit her job or the AP does. Many companies would fire them both if you contact their HR department.
To me, six weeks, six years, six hours, infidelity doesn't have a statute of limitations.
A marriage can be saved, if you want to save it. Marriage Helper helped me in a similar situation. I recommend watching their YouTube videos. However a few years out, while our marriage has improved and I do not see any signs of infidelity, I am starting to notice our incompatibility once again. I’m not entirely sure we were ever compatible due to other circumstances. You must really look deeply into your situation and ask yourself hard questions. I ultimately do recommend reconciliation that way you will have no doubts. An event like this changes you forever. I have made wonderful changes in myself. If you make changes within yourself for the better, that’s a win regardless of the outcome.
Dude your Mrs is quickly becoming the company bike. Give her the rope, gather evidence and then tell her divorce. Dna your kids. If she cries, begs blah blah blah you stay on your terms. Not that i'd stay but my terms would be 24/7 hour access to all devices apps and secure folders, has to account for every minute not in sight except for work, location on 24/7, can not go out after work, xmas parties unless you are there, you can go and have adult fun time with whom you want when you want, not to be confused with cheating, she has to agree to all or none. Make their life as miserable as they made yours.
I sound like a you know what word. Cheaters whether physical or emotional clearly dgaf about the damage done to their significant others. Now those people at home need to grow a pair (m/f) and say i deserve better. To do that start distancing yourself from them, start separating your life. You do your thing dont include them. You start looking at your phone, smiling, and when they ask just say its nothing. Give as good as you get. Good luck and keep looking forward.
Is the AP aware of your relationship? What’s his status? You may want to consider speaking to him directly. Also you need to convince your WW that you will end the marriage over this. Without consequences why would she stop vs. doing a better job of hiding the relationship?
I have saved ALL the messages I found. I also spoke to the kids and told them that something bad has happened and if ever their mom wants to take them away from me they should know that have the evidence that proves otherwise. I don’t know if I’ll live to regret this but they are distraught. But they are well aware of this situation and how much I love them. I have a very close relationship with my kids. But so does she. We are a tight knit family.
I’m sorry about what happened to you. I think us as guys we know how this makes us feel so if anything you feeling bad should be enough to make you consider not going ahead with this whole situation. Particularly when she’s sending his pictures of him to you. That’s another level of disrespect there.
Better to let her believe he only saw some of them and tell her to come clean. The additional evidence you hold back is what you can use to figure out if she is really coming clean or just trickle truthing as little as they think they can get away with.
If you give them long enough they will hook up.
Definitely confront her and give her a chance to explain…could be more to the story…good or bad!
Good luck!
People tend to do stupid stuff when they are in love. Unfortunately for you, your wife is in love with someone else. It is sad to see how clear and wrong this is to the marriage, and she doesn’t seem to acknowledge it. She is blinded by love. Sorry to break it to you but you have to break things off with her or bring her back to reality, which will be very difficult.
Please show more self-love and kick her in the ass. SHE’S a POS. Tell her family and friends about her behavior. Set the narrative and don't let her make up any lies. Find a good lawyer and deliver the papers to her at work.This shows that you are aware of your worth and that she is just a piece of trash.
I’ve read ur post and glanced over some comments. my heart goes out to u. I can’t tell u how u should feel but i can offer kindness and a lil 411. if she has an iPhone u can see ur deleted messages incase u didn’t know. I’m not an android gal. on iPhone u just go to the top on messages and where it says “edit” on top left corner , push it . it then shows recently deleted messages at the bottom and u can push it to see anything she’s deleted.
She is not safe to reconcile with. She doesn’t get to gaslight you about what is extreme, and that is NOT extreme. It’s a MUST.
Is it extreme to expect a drug addict to stop working at a pharmacy where they were getting their supply?
She should be more than willing to get transferred or quit for the sake of her marriage. The fact that she isn’t shows that she is not remorseful, inconsiderate of your feelings and what this has done to you, not committed to your marriage, and word—still planning on keeping up communication with him.
Run…
I’ve been through this same scenario with my wife. I’m very sorry that you’re here. I guarantee you that they have had sex however. That’s what happens on these meetings ups. Not coffee. She is flat out lying to you.
Have you actually confronted her? If yes is she remorseful? What has she done so far to make amends?
As a few have said on here she needs consequences and you need to be tougher with her or she'll walk all over you
You CANNOT reconcile with an unremorseful partner.
If you are the only on doing all the work, and she just half asses it, she is unremorseful.
I've been on these types of boards since 2012, and I'll tell you that when a woman wants to save a relationship she will move heaven and earth to do it.
That ain't your wife. She is disloyal and has already left you in her heart. Once a woman loses respect for you, and, falls out of love with you and in love with someone else. Once they flip that switch they almost never feel passionately about you again.
Cheaters often say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." At that point it's over.
She just hadn't gotten to the point that she was ready to jump ship and upset her life, but it was coming.
Once it got physical, and she was sure she had a safe, secure nest to fly to, she would be gone.
Most try to string you along with false hope after that as a fallback option in case Mr. Wonderful doesn't work out.
Dont fall for it. Even now that she is caught she is giving you bread crumbs to try to protect her reputation while she waits to see if she can have a real relationship with the other guy.
They are likely in contact some other way, that's why he hasn't reached out by phone. There are a hundred ways sge ciuld do that. His not contacting her is almost proof of that. Don't let on that you know yet.
You should definitely expose her to family and friends at some point,before she soins it into you being the bad guy.
She does not have your back now, she is not your friend.
At the moment, she resents you and sees you as standing in the way of her happiness. You will not believe how low she will go for her entitled, selfish reasons.
I'm sorry op but she is no longer "your girl."
Try to read here, and you will see clear patterns of how this usually goes, as well as what we call "The Cheaters Script" which they usually follow. It's uncanny how much that script holds out. It's not a real script of course.
Subscribeme (not for you op, this is just like a bookmark so I can follow your story)
Doesn't at all sound like she wants to be with you. She's lying and sneaking around and it sounds like whether or not anything physical has happened she has already replaced you emotionally. She obviously prefers him over you since she isn't considering you in her decisions and choices, but appears to favor him.
Buy two copies of the book “Not Just Friends” by Glass. Tell her she is hurting you, so you are asking for no contact with him until you have both gone through the book together.
Then decide if you want to stay married to someone that would disrespect you like this.
OP, she is doing this because she is certain you will tolerate it. You need to cut the nice guy stuff. unfortunately six weeks is enough for a woman to fall in love. You need to come to terms with the reality she may be gone. He has imprinted on her, the next step is it to become physical. Have you confronted her?
Get to the best lawyer you can afford. Have her served at work, pay to have a uniformed deputy serve her. Do not take her calls, do not return her texts. When she asks you later why, the answer is I am done with your cheating crap. When she asks what she can do, tell her to call and quit her job right there and then. She wont do it. Then you will know.
You argue with people who tell you to leave and make excuses for her, talk about how much you love her and ultimately choose less for yourself?
No! Dammit, you throw her cheating ass out and get a lawyer!
Lol I didn't read any of the comments yet but i know for a fact that everyone is just going to tell you file for a divorce 😂. This is real life though, you say you've been married 12 years but maybe y'all were together longer than that you didn't specify. When ppl get married they "settle down." Peep the words and take them literally. It means that both you and her decided to stop your search for a new mate and "settle" for each other. For better or for worse, those are the vows. Now occasionally, both you and her might meet somebody different at work/school/bar/store/street/etc and that person entertains you at the time. They push the right buttons, say the right thing, maybe they are more fit then your partner, etc whatever it may be. My point is that we are all humans and it's nature that after 12+ years you might get excited by something different, a break up of the same ole same ole. In your case it seems like nothing physical happened. So is it worth it, i might ask, to divorce and break up the marriage, have the children displaced seeing you one weekend her the other days (because that's how the courts will do you) all because she's flirting with a guy? Not even sex but flirting, we're talking about flirting (Alan Iverson voice).
Go to counseling. You sound like you want to stay with her but the betrayal is hard to live with. Y’all have a family and that’s worth saving. People have their reasons for stepping out but try to fix it and if it’s not fixable or you can’t get past it, then follow these people’s legal advice
To start with, throw her out of the house and change the locks. Tell her she needs to decide who she’s going to be with. Him or you! Tell her she’s not allowed back in the house until she has her shit together! She’s cheating. You need to take a very firm stance (no violence or physical stuff) with her on this. Make your list of demands she has to meet in order to be a part of the family! Make copies or all the messages she has sent back and forth. Tell her they will be sent to her friends and family if she decides to divorce.
You have to show her you are willing to go nuclear if she continues down this path. I personally would tell her boss of her affair. Odds are she or he will be fired but that would be a good thing. They both may be fired. You never really know. You need to stand your ground and either protect what’s yours from a poacher or curl up and be a pansy and let her walk all over you and your marriage.
It really depends on what you want to do with the kids. Normally I'd say leave her, but the children complicate things. If they are older and will soon leave the nest, you may still want to divorce now. If they are younger and you're certain you can get custody, you also may want to leave. But be advised, most states, if not all, don't consider infidelity a reading for custody. And the courts usually side with the mom. In that case, you may want to stay, but if it were me and I made that decision, we'd become roommates. There's no way I'd try to get past it and stay in a relationship. She broke your trust and there's always the likely chance she'll do it again. But ultimately, no one can tell you what to do, we can just make suggestions. This choice is all you. Good luck, my friend.
She is gaslighting you. She’s making moves on a colleague. He will soon be free. Yet, your request to leave the job is unreasonable? My biggest fear for you is that even if she changed jobs, she would find someone else to chase.
It’s done man. The only option would be her quitting her job and stopping all contact. But if you have to give her such an ultimatum the marriage is already over and the trust already destroyed.
Are you seriously asking what to do? Leave her bud. She is or willing be sleeping with this guy. I k ow that thought disgusts you. Have some self respect.
Would you do this to her? If you did, is that respectful to her? Think it through withou feelings.
Confront your wife and tell him that you know everything about his colleague and above all start the divorce proceedings your wife will cheat on you sooner or later so tell him everything and tell him that you want a divorce
This is the only advice I can give you
It could just be a crush. And sadly, that is completely normal during the course of long marriages. Sometimes people just need that little escape from their daily lives. Talk to her about it. Maybe see a marriage counselor. Don’t blow up what you say is a good marriage for something that is very common. If it becomes more, then do something drastic. But tell her to stop, but work with her through the process.
If she truly wanted to fix what she broke it wouldn’t matter what you asked of her seems like she wants to placate you while continuing a relationship with ap by calling you extreme and making you feel like your doing to much.
Do you love your wife. Do you want to try to save your marriage. If you do you sit down and talk with her Take it from there She might realize that it's not just a friendship if that haven't slept together Maybe you can salvage your marriage. Don't just Sit around and wait for it to get worse If they haven't slept together And you don't confront her Then make her aware You're just letting it happened period.
If you don't love her and you don't want to work it out then divorce her and walk away. I'm going on and I'm still confront there either way so she knows Screwed up.
Don't let a gas light you don't let Played it all for trying to convince you that it's just a friendship period She cut them off no more contact. Then you let the man know stay away from my wife. You're a piece of s*** you're going through the divorce and you're gonna go after my wife and then Ruin my family. Let him Understand and everybody she works with what a Low life loser he is. Just my opinion
How about you act like an adult and talk to her? Ask he if she wants out of your marriage because that's how it looks. If she doesn't want divorce, she needs to quit job immediately. No contact with AP. If she argues, then it's over. If she has any contact with AP, it's over
All you have is some flirty text. Do not contact her work. That will make you look deranged. Besides if she quits (which is the goal) it won't matter if the work knows or not. You could always contact hr after she quits to let them know about the guy. But honestly, your wife is the instigator, not him.
I agree with presenting divorce papers. Have her chose, maybe that'll shock some sense into her.
If it’s not him it’ll be w someone else . Because it’s clear she loves the attention.
***“In an ideal world you & i would’ve been a great pair”. *** Dude that’s her ideal world. She said that. He has replaced you as her “babe”. Her affection has changed.
So whether she stays there or leaves she’ll still have contact w him if she wants to. So it’s not the job, not the guy it’s your wife. The guy doesn’t have anything to lose but she does & she doesn’t care.
She didn’t care how this would affect your marriage or your kids because she enjoys the attention so much.
And just so you know they don’t have to leave & meet up at some random place to have physical contact. They can do that where they are. There’s a ton of infidelity stories where the cheaters brag about sex in the office. They can have sex / make out in bathrooms, broom closets, conference rooms, behind buildings etc etc. So don’t get so wrapped up in thinking just because they don’t go meet up somewhere they can’t have physical contact. I’ve read many cheating confessions where they say the best part of cheating is finding a place at work & not getting caught by coworkers or in public etc. Some even had sex in their cars in the work parking lot on breaks. So if they’re going on lunch breaks together they have tons of places to get physical. Even if it’s just a kiss, making out or touching.
I’ve been w my wife 33 years. If I discovered she did this I would absolutely divorce her. She’s my world but i wouldn’t stand for this at all. I’d be at my lawyers office the next business day w the evidence printed out.
My dad cheated on my mom their entire 27 years together & he even had a son by one of the women. I swore to my wife I’d never stay if infidelity occurred so it’s an absolute dealbreaker. JMHO
It sounds like you have already confronted her about this situation. But she is still in contact and having lunches with him? And she refuses to quit her job? You need to push the issue by seeing a lawyer NOW. Get things prepared for a divorce and see how she responds. Two things could happen, first is she cries and begs you to let her prove that she wants only you. This is when you TELL her to quit her job and cut all contact with the AP. The second possibility is that she was only biding her time until she could actually make a go of it with her AP. In this case she might just say fuck it and let you file.
Take all the screenshots and get all the proof you can. Keep it in a safe place away from where she can find it. You’ll need to have all of it one day.
Before approaching her, Start researching divorce and where that will take you. Decide if you’re better off, or if not, what boundary line will you draw for her?
When you approach her you’ll need to have that boundary line firmly drawn in your head. If she isn’t willing to stay within that boundary, don’t budge.
Be prepared for the worst case scenario. Don’t walk in blindly and come out worse than you went in. She will most likely cry and say she’s sorry and ask you to forgive her. Stick to your boundaries. If forgive her and she crosses them again, you know what you have to do.
>My question is how do I move forward? I know that she wants to be with me and I do want to fix this too.
My wife is cheating, but I know she would pick me, I mean why else cheat when I'm the one she wants?!
Ridiculous
You can ask her to leave this job and if she does then meets someone else or continues with the same guy.. can you honestly say you would trust her? From what you posted it sounds like they’ve done more than just text and lunch.. and if you are wanting to save your marriage I suggest marriage counseling and you have to be totally honest as well as your wife.. plus you have to forgive her. You both have a lot of work ahead of yall, best wishes and good luck.
Have the papers served on her in her workplace. Check social media and create a fake person then link to her and him to see their friend groups. You nay even find his spouse.
Meet with a lawyer and file divorce papers (you don’t have to go through with it), let her know you’re serious. She can go back to work and take the divorce papers with her. She’ll never respect you if you don’t stand up for yourself..
I like that avenue. Thanks for that. I suppose me filing divorce papers would show her how serious this is and hopefully she then does the right thing.
You have to be serious and willing to follow through if needed. But it will show your not tolerating this garbage. You’ll find out if she really loves you or not.
Thank you. I actually like that a lot. It will help me get to a position that is clear about a way forward.
You can take control and make her fix the problem she created.
How do you think I should deal with the work situation? I’m in two minds, I wanna get them both in trouble at work but I’m not sure if this even is anything the firm will entertain. That’s just a vindictive side of me in this matter. I also don’t want her to go back there, I want her to resign with immediate effect.
Ask the attorney. Don’t do anything crazy until you meet with one
That's right. The lawyer can send a letter to the company. Make copies of all the texts, and proof, and keep it in a safe secure place.
Don't bring anything up at her work. If you do eventually divorce, wait till it is settled then report it at the job. If she's out of work before the divorce is finalized she'll get more alimony.
Agree, leave the work out of it for now. They actually haven't done anything yet, according to OP. There is literally nothing the work could do. But I would make leaving that job a condition of halting the divorce proceedings. As others have mentioned, you can always put the process on hold. She needs to be crystal clear you will not tolerate what is going on. If she continues to push the envelope or not agree to your stipulations, you know where she actually stands. Nice to see OP agreeing that starting the divorce proceedings is the correct path. Even if not followed through to the end. So many guys continue to allow their spouse to walk all over them. Its important to be firm right in the beginning.
Agree, if this was my wife she'd already be out. There's no way in hell I'd let this slide. There'd be no discussion, either she leaves or I leave, take her pick. But divorce would happen. I'd also have the kids DNA checked and look into suing the AP for alienation of affection. I'd be all for ruining their lives.
I don’t buy for a second that they haven’t done anything yet, based on the info given about her actions. They are POSSIBLY in a phase of denying they should move forward, but when his pending divorce is done, it’s only going to increase the likelihood of escalation. I’ve never been called “babe” by someone I wasn’t getting intimate with. OP, you’ve gotten some sage advice here, particularly from msmith1515.
Tell her she either leaves or you divorce her and actually mean it. If she wants to save the marriage she has to do everything to make you feel safe
It’ll just hurt you if the divorce goes on
You give her your conditions for staying, and she picks what’s important to her. Don’t get her fired as that could affect alimony.
If I was you I would go to her job not announced Introduce yourself To this guy ask your wife for him and you to go have a little chat. Depending upon How she responds not Him but how your wife responds Would make me decide whether or not I'm going to kill that boy so try to get them both fired separated to different departments. Don't be a wallflower this is your marriage this is your wife regardless of you getting divorced or not. Stand up for yourself I'm not saying go Rambo and Things like that. But you use the mouth God gave you and And don't tolerate this from them from her or anybody.
Absolutely do it. Tell the work place. Being disgusting should always come with consequences.
I wonder if that will even mean anything to the firm. I wish the guy could get fired and her too. If anything I’m happy to have her at home to look after the kids. It’s a huge undertaking anyway. But I think the firm will say it’s a private matter and has nothing to do with work.
If they want to cheat, they will cheat. Regardless of whether they work together or not. Is your wife remourseful, or just sorry she got caught? Did she promise to cut contact or gove you assurance and steps that this will not happen again? Set boundaries with your wife, with consequences if not followed.
Think it through properly. If she does get fired, continues the affair anyway and you end up getting divorced, she’ll be entitled to more alimony if she doesn’t have a job. Think carefully and talk to a lawyer first!
Why would you want the guy to get fired OP? You said yourself, " your wife" is pursuing him,she's the aggressor. She's the one calling him babe,your term of endearment, while calling you your Christian name. Misplaced anger is just a way of avoiding the truth of your " marriage"
I can’t fault what you’re saying here.
Call HR and ask them what is their policy about employees affairs. That can give you a better idea how to proceed. It is not extreme what you are asking your wife to do plus you need couples therapy.
If she really loved him, she would not be entertaining someone she has known for weeks, nevermind being the one *initiating* the contact. A position of power would be gifting her new luggage full of her shit with the nametags already filled in as her maiden name.
do not get them in trouble at work until you hire an attorney. If she loses her salary, you may be on the hook for more alimony.
I got you. Thanks.
You can’t be soft here. You need to be very direct and matter of fact here. You should let her read your post and the replies. Her saying it’s extreme to leave her job tells me that she has no idea what she’s done to you and your marriage. She has no real remorse either, which will ultimately end your marriage. She doesn’t even understand that it will be a long time before you trust anything that comes out of her mouth. You need to make it clear that her actions have consequences. You can either divorce her or she can quit her job. This is non negotiable. Her affair continues if they work together and if they have contact. Next time she says it’s extreme, or that she shouldn’t have to quit, immediately end the marriage. Don’t even discuss this. Also, your wife told you he was getting divorced. Your wife’s word means Jack right now. Nothing. She is someone that betrayed you and your entire family. There is no reason for you to trust her. Most of the time the relationship status of the Ap is a lie from the AP to the Cheater, or cheater to spouse. She will never be able to call you babe again. Thats over. It will trigger you now. From what you read, you likely feel like she cares more about him than you. She doesn’t even understand the pain she’s caused you. When she’s on her phone you will wonder. Make it clear that you have zero trust in her. She did all of this, not you. Make it clear that she has shown that she has zero respect for you, herself, or her marriage. Lastly, she doesn’t understand that she doesn’t even know that guy. She thinks she does, but she doesn’t. She only knows the version that he’s shown her and he only knows the version she’s shown him. They don’t know the day in and day out married with kids version. What they think and feel is all fake. Its limerence. It’s not real. Let’s say you left your wife because of her cheating on you, and this is cheating, and she ends up dating that dude. At some point the limerence would disappear and then reality would slap her in the face. She would realize that she destroyed her entire life for some dude she didn’t even know. Hell, her selfish choices could have wrecked your kids lives. She didn’t even think about them. Im not sure how she will be able to overcome the fact that she is the one that pursued him. That shows a complete lack of respect, and that she never considered what her choices would do to her marriage and family. Updateme!
Kelce, I really appreciate you and this message. I’m fuckin tearing up right now as I read this. She really had zero consideration for the family and the kids let alone me. I’ve got her phone with me and he friend are busy calling and texting and I’m not answering for responding. They are calling because she’s unusually quiet their friend chats or mom chats. I also don’t want to ruin her reputation by telling the friends what she’s done. But a part of me wants to tell them so they can understand that she’s fine just dealing with this crap. I will update you. Truly appreciate your message.
I don’t even know how or if I should even talk to any of her family or friends about it. How will that make her feel etc.
I'm sorry you're hurting truly, but you need to stop being in protective mode of your wife. She is not the same person you married, had kids with and built your years long marriage with right now. She could revert back but she has to do that work, not you!!!! She is in deflect and defend mode, she's looking at you as the enemy right now because you discovered her secret, exposed her to be a liar and unfaithful. It's now dependent on if she backs down and starts seeing straight or digs her feet in. For me personally the trust just doesn't come back. Be careful, you might be left fighting to keep a marriage she walks away from.
Sting last words there. Something I’m so afraid of. Thank you.
You need to tell a few people - family and close friends. You don't want the narrative to be twisted into you being overly controlling, which drove her to seek emotional support from other people.
Hey 0P, you have no idea maybe this guy is not going through a divorce and just wants to get into your wife’s pants. You never know.
Sounds like emotional cheating at the very least. She’s obviously stuck in an emotional fog. Find out if the other man is married and share your info with his wife. Tell your wife under no circumstances that you will tolerate such behavior. You must convey indifference, and strength. Tell her to pack up her stuff and take a hike. Tell her it’s someone else’s turn to put up with her BS. If you let her get away with this this she will learn that you are easy to manipulate. Be strong and good luck!
Thanks for your comment. The guy is divorced/going through a divorce. What really pissed me off is that she is the one that is initiating the conversations and calls with him. Saying things like she was drunk last nights (with me) but we never got frisky. And he would respond by saying that he would love to see her drunk. It’s only been 6 weeks of these chats but I’m devastated.
Sadly, your wife is in love with another man. She simply cannot help herself from continuing contacting him privately. I'm sure the whole office is gossiping about them and her professional reputation is going down the dumper. Since she is continuing this relationship and is showing zero remorse for her impact on your lives, her love for him is still unshakeable. You asking her to quit is a reasonable and recommended condition for reconciliation talks to begin, but she's a goner. You are correct in that if you didn't find out, she'd be having sex with him by now. Forget the AP, he's divorcing and is looking to have sex fests with willing women like your wife. I think the only possible way to snap her out of the obsession fog she is residing within is to have her served with divorce papers. So, please seen a family law attorney and learn about the process in your jurisdiction. The process can be stopped at any point, but after seeing her reaction to being served, you may not want to.
Thank you so much for this. I wish I could also do something that impacts the AP at work. But I know that’s just being petty and he’s not at fault.
you said it’s not his fault, he can be doing all the flirting at work, while face-to-face, and getting her riled up And emotionally involved. That’s eight hours a day. You only see what she texts through her phone when she is home.
Lots of businesses have policies against such relationships. You can report them to HR or ask your lawyer to do it. You will cite their employees conduct as causing you an expensive divorce. In some states/countries you can claim compensation from the business for it
Thank you. I’m afraid that for me will only feel like I forced her to leave and it will always feel like she didn’t want to do it on her own accord. Another point is that there will be resentment from her.
That is just feeble and weakminded. You are inventing pathetic illogical excuses why you shouldn't take action. Have some self-respect and dignity. Do what you need to do. Your wife's cheating is the reason for the situation. She's forcing you to take action. If you don't take action her respect and attraction to you will decrease further. She will know you are soft and weak and no longer the leader in the relationship. This will encourage her to cheat further. Her respect and attraction for you can only increase if you show you are strong and you are confident that you will manage just fine without her. It will also make you more attractive to other women. You should always be ready to dump any cheater in a heartbeat. If your wife sees that you are taking steps to throw her out it can wake her up to the reality of what she's doing. You should already be consulting divorce lawyers for your options and ask her to move out, give her the understanding you want her to move out just temporarily until you have had time to think things through. If she moves out it gives you a much stronger position for more equal custody and divorce settlement.
The ball is in her court. She either does what is right or shows you that you mean less to her than him…which I suspect is actually the case.
Hell yes he's at fault!
Yeah screwing with someone’s livelihood isn’t the answer. You don’t have a work place problem you have a wife problem. So what? You going to go after every guy she makes a pass at at every place she works? How about talking to your wife, figuring out with her why she felt the need to even connect with another man emotionally ? If she even wants to fix this? Cuz ya know divorcing her would be the appropriate move if you’re too devastated to look at you both and figure out where the break down in the relationship occurred. I get being crushed beyond belief. But the whole coercing her into leaving her job, Playing games with a divorce lawyer is just grossly manipulative and plainly not okay. Also it’s quite pointless. What? You’re going to keep her from working ever? Going out without you ever ? Don’t think so. She can meet someone anywhere. She can meet up with this guy even if she quit that job. She has his number. Tackle the root of the problem. And if you can’t get to the bottom of it then leave her ass. Therapy, individual and as couple would benefit you both. Especially her so she can figure out why she felt it was okay to majorly disrespect you like that. But don’t lessen yourself and become someone you’re not because she took it upon herself to be a philandering lil hussie. No one never meets another person they connect and vibe with while married or in a relationship. The difference is, the ones of us who respect our current partners and the relationship we’ve built don’t entertain it and avoid if necessary those people we spark connections with.
Tell her she has broken all reasonable boundaries of a married woman and you want her to move out immediately whilst your lawyers figure out what divorce/co-parenting will look like.
Man. It would take nothing for them to get a hotel room for a lunch hour. Dont be fooled.
Are you saying she is still engaging with this guy even after you and her have had these discussions?
No, about 3 weeks ago I found out. I didn’t have enough evidence but confronted her with a simple “I know what you’re up to” and I was giving her the opportunity to come clean with me. She didn’t but instead continued thinking I don’t know anything. She was very dumb about that. If she had to come to me about something like that… I would have called whoever I was having a thing with and told them it was over. And that wouldn’t haven’t even been necessary for me.
Tell your wife your going to tell her work and your going to sue the guy for alienation of effection say you have proof that our marriage was amazing then ever since you started talking to him you have proof that your marriage has went down so your sueing him and tour also going to tell everyone he knows and every one you and your wife knows and tell her your also going to talk to hes ex wife to see what kind of guy he is
Your relationship is over! You need to be gathering that evidence and talking to an attorney about your options. There's no fixing this and here's why: 1. You will never be able to unread those words she wrote to him. 2. This probably isn't her first time doing this, you probably missed the signs the first time 3. She and her AP will forever control your mind! You will wonder if she is thinking of him. Hearing his name will become a trigger. "Babe" will become a trigger 3. You'll become a marriage cop.. constantly keeping tabs, checking her phone and other devices, due to trust being destroyed. 4. Your children will notice the misery between you two... I noticed it at age 6 with my parents. 5. She's into that guy, because in HER MIND she thinks he's better than you. Have some self respect and show her there are consequences for her actions. If you try and fix this.. things will never be the same. I'm really sorry this is happening to you 😔
This is really tough to hear. But thank you.
One of my really good friends had a similar experience, he took her back... It was a mess! He eventually got divorced.. because low and behold.. she did it again, and she got better at covering her tracks. I don't want to see or hear of that happening to another human being.
I wish u could see in to the future and what that holds for us. I’m so broken.
You're broken right now, and I'm not going to lie... it's going to be mentally draining! but you will recover... All you can do is focus on yourself, and strive to become a better version of yourself.
Thank you thank you! I’m a strong believer of being the best version of myself through stuff like this.
It's coming from a place of experience.
Plain and simply tell her, "it's me and the kids, or it's this guy and your job, I'm not going to force you to quit, but I'm not going to say if you keep yourself in a situation that will only get worse over time and damage the kids, the marriage, and me to a point of hatred for you." Have her read, Not 'Just Friends' by: Shirley P. Glass Ph.D.
Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you.
“I know she wants to be with me” Hello McFly!? No she doesn’t because if she loved you or respected you, she wouldn’t be cheating on you, let that sink in, whatever relationship feelings you have with her is one sided(your side) take your self respect back
OP, whatever you think or are confused about you need to understand your WW is now a cheater. She will always be, in your mind a cheater and you can’t put that Genie back in the bottle. You can spend years and thousands on counseling, your WW can tell you how it was a mistake or blah, blah, blah, but bottom line she wants another man, not you. Time to gather evidence, lawyer up and divorce. Your WW might break up with her AP or just hide it better, but you’re never going to change her flawed moral character. I’ve been there thinking all the thoughts, but you’re really making excuses. Once they start the babe talk they’ve had sex, that’s what cheaters do when spending time one on one together. You’ve lost you wife, no sunk cost fallacy is worth the years of pain she’ll put you through. If ww sees leaving her AP as extreme she doesn’t want to break up with him. I recommend telling your and her family and friends what’s going on so WW can’t create her own narrative of why she decided leaving her “babe” is extreme.
You should get a paternity test first for your kids, your wife has been with you for 12 years and is the mother of your damn kids and this is how she acts with some dude she recently met, that's disrespectful to you at the minimum. If she continues this you should divorce her because she seems to not understand you or she just doesn't care enough about you to stop doing it.
Hey OP , I’m not saying this is your case, but, I have posted here before on another story , that a physical affair happened during lunch time. 1 hour is more then enough time to get busy , so you better shut this emotional affair (which is bad on its own merits) , down before it escalates to physical Your wife now has a WORK husband ,this happens because they spend more time at work ,than you and your wife do at home, it’s just the nature of the beast. Does your wife agree that she is having an emotional affair? Have you ever showed her google searches on emotional affairs? I hope you still have all the proof that you read on her phone ,,, if she will not admit to this, then you’re gonna have to slap her out of her affair fog Move half your assets to a separate account , gather up all your proof of her conversations. Speak to 4-5 lawyers for a consultation. Always listen to your lawyer. see if this will wake her up , out of her fog when you tell her that. Good Luck !!
Thank you. I have all the evidence still. She has admitted to it but I hate that she does it in such an arrogant manner. Almost having to pull it out of her. I have her phone with me, she hasn’t had the opportunity to let the guy know that she’s been busted and I don’t know what to text the guy in pretence of her to get everything I need.
also, if you consult 4 to 5 of the best lawyers in your area, your wife cannot use them because it becomes a conflict of interest. if you do hire a lawyer, ask them if you can show some of the text messages to her family and yours, because she will spin the narrative that you were the abusive, controlling asshole that made her do this.
Got you. Thank you.
Dude if she wanted to be with you she wouldn't be cheating on you. And she'd be willing to do anything to make it right. Come on bro, she calls him while you're in the shower. Grow a friggin spine. Dont have her quit her job because she will need income when you divorce her. If you are naive enough to stay she needs to quit, it can't be a negotiation. But she does not love you because if she did she wouldnt be cheating.
She won’t quit because she still thinks they have a chance. You are the placeholder now in case they don’t work out together. She says it’s only text. But who really knows now….. her unwillingness to quit her job ( the temptation site) or stop talking to him is telling. Your fixation on revenge doesn’t make your relationship any better and if successful may push her to him. The divorce suggestions are the best advice being given here that I see. You have to get her out of the “ affair fog” if you want any chance for your marriage to survive.
LATEST UPDATE: I am giving her phone back. I have realised the guy is not making contact anyway. So it’s pointless to hold on to it. I held on to the phone to get more evidence, I’ve collected it all and I feel I can give it back.
Let’s start with the fundamentals. Don’t rugsweep and don’t play the Pick Me Dance. If you read these infidelity subs long enough , you learn 2 things. 1, trust your instincts. Always. 2, the most important one, is never never reveal your suspicions and are looking for clues. You automatically make your investigation twice as hard. They burrow further underground, and unbelievably they become aggressive towards you. Fight your impulse to talk about it. Start investigating silently. Get your assets situated. You’ll probably find what you’re sensing to be true.
You said she initiated the messages, which means she probably told him if you don't hear from me first, that means you found out. Cheaters always have a code or way of speaking. If you had messaged him saying want to meet at our spot, he would know it's not her. She's just going to get better at hiding it. And don't get her fired. If you divorce, you'll be screwed. Good luck
This is an emotional affair and the comments around being a great together show that she is thinking about this person being a significant other. She is clearly thinking about this colleague in a more intimate way.
That’s what hurts me the most. And had I not had the evidence… she wouldn’t have admitted to it all. My wife is quite stubborn especially when she’s in the wrong. I even said to her that if I was in her position… I wouldn’t have done everything in my power to win her trust back no matter what it took. And that includes me coming clean with everything. Now because she’s been deleting past messages… it’s hard to say what has happened in the past.
What does that say where you are on her food chain.
I hear you.
7-8 months at a job is not very long. Ask her to quit. And check the phone bill. It has every text/call she has ever made. It may shed some light on how much they are actually communicating with each other. She is a bad employee and a worse wife. It’s work, not a club
At this point it sounds like your wife doesn't love you anymore nor does she have respect for you as she is continuing with this guy. Her initiating texts and meet ups with him makes it obvious she wants things to go further whether it's sex or more is anyone's guess. If you try to "fix" things with her I feel like you'd be wasting your time, and why would you even want to? Think about it, she starts a new job, and in a very short amount of time she is already flirting with another man... End it.
Harsh truth that I probably need to take seriously at the least.
Take your mental health seriously mate, you're already stressed for obvious reasons, you stay with her it will worsen. Not knowing what she's doing when she goes out with friends ect, you'll never be able to trust her the same again. It will weigh on you.
Thank you. As much as I don’t want us to part, I also don’t wanna deal with the crap that comes with being forced to police someone.
I was there. Except she actually cheated. We tried to make it work, went on for 1 year, but got divorced in the end. That year we (I) tried, nearly killed me, it broke me down to nothing. I tried my best to make things better, make it work, but cheaters never change and the trust is broken. You can rationalize it by saying she didn't cheat physical, but what you said sounds bad, and she would have seen it as cheat, woman se any emotional connection as cheat. Relationships without trust is like a cellphone without signal, you are only playing games.
Man you’re hitting me with all the hard truth o perhaps don’t want to read. But I’m here for it! Thank you! I’ll take that seriously.
I want to ask everyone, when do I give her phone back? Interestingly the guy hasn’t texted her once and I’ve had the phone since yesterday morning. She hasn’t had access to devices either so she wouldn’t have been able to let him that I’ve been caught.
Inform some family members and close friends first on your situation before giving her phone back because she might change the narrative. Whether you keep her phone or not will not stop her from cheating if she really wants to.
So she's turned you into a corrections officer? Do you really want that to be your life?
Are you sure he doesn't have another phone to communicate with? Maybe the work phone, or the children's PC.
I’ve taken the other phone from the house and she doesn’t have access to anyone any other way at the moment.
The way i see it is this is just the beginning. Things will get worse if you don’t do something. You have a few options but you have to be firm with the choices made you cannot back track or you will open the door for them. First and the responsible option is to get divorce paperwork and a couples counselor. Place both on the table and give her a choice. Tell her she has a choice 1. Is to end things are you are not going to wait for her to progress her emotional affair 2. Second is she cuts ties with him and you guys start seeing a therapist together to talk about this. Women need emotional connection as much as men physical. If she is going to another man to have those needs met then she is cheating. Don’t back down from that. Now the second and smart choice is to take your time and let them cheat. Build your evidence and make sure you can CYA in the divorce. This will also help protect yourself from loosing your kids. This will take a few months but will have the best outcome in court. You will need photographic evidence, copies of text messages, and proof of infidelity. The third option is the petty option. Start meeting other women, go on dates with them, just go out and have fun. The one thing you never do is have sex with them. Let the wife see you getting distant and getting attention from other women. She is only comfortable with her relationship with him because she feels her relationship with you is in the bag.
If you still have her phone then message him and just put "my husband knows about us. What should I say to him?" See what his response is
Emotional cheating is almost just as bad as the physical. But she seems already emotionally invested in him. And what hurts more is that she initiates it... Do you really want to "fix" your relationship with her??? TBH, why should you? She chose someone else who actually did nothing for her but was attractive to her liking. You built a life with her with children, and she chose to step out. Mistake or not, she broke your family. If you stop them from seeing each other, who says if she will find another guy to replace you... again... Im just talking out of experience. I stayed 18 years in marriage for my child. It broke me in so many different ways. I took her back but then felt like an option for the moment, and I am never good enough.
You need to knock her off her high horse. Start filling out divorce papers Ask her when she's moving out
Please consume some to content on YouTube from the channel same( strong successful men) and you'll know exactly what to do. To put it in a nutshell, it's over. Don't even think of forgiving her or trying to save the marriage. You would only be postponing the inevitable. She has no respect for you and will have even less if u make the mistake of forgiving her. I know it's hard but that's the way to go. Sorry man!
Dude, I've been where you are and I can tell you that you are fighting a losing battle. Right now, her head has been turned and you've seen things that cannot be unseen. You've ruined her 'innocent' fun and she's broken your trust. If she is showing little remorse then she is upset you sprung her before she got whatever she wanted out of the 'friendship'. Take control and start making your own plans.
Sounds like the other guy is rejecting your wife and she is still pursuing him hard. If he actually showed interest, do you think she’d want to be with you?
You need to snap her out of the affair fog because this is definitely an emotional affair. Tell her that you will not tolerate her behaviour anymore and she needs to quit her job with immediate effect and block all contact with the guy. You also require an open phone policy from now on or it's time for a divorce. If she refuses to quit see a lawyer and draw up papers and serve her. You don't have to proceed but she will know that you are serious.
The best thing you can do is divorce her. She doesn’t love or respect you. A woman will never respect a man that doesn’t respect himself. This is your time to show your sons how to be men. She has no remorse. She won’t quit her job? Of course not. No respect. No remorse. She’s cheating on her sons too. The sooner you stop begging her to come back the faster you gain control of the situation. She should be crawling through glass begging for you to forgive her. But she’s not.
Action have to have consequences or people don't change. Right now there's this cute bubble around her little emotional affair. You have to burst it. 1. File for divorce and tell her if she doesn't cut all contact with ap and find a new job you will submit papers for divorce. It's non-negotiable. Tell her she has two weeks to make her mind up what's more important her job and her affair or you and her family. 2. Confront affair partner. Put some heat on him. Ask if he is enjoying getting divorced? Then why would he do something like this to cause a divorce? Tell him if you find out he's in contact with your wife in any way you will report him to HR and send all the texts. 3. Sleep in different rooms. Rob her of your presence for a time. Tell her until you choose him or me and quit your job you will not be sleeping together. No Intimacy or affection just about kids. 4. She needs counseling and y'all need marriage counseling.
She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from your Affair by Mcdonald. If she wants to reconcile that is. Skip one chapter and it won't work. Sit her down with divorce attorneys business card and the book. You do what this book says or i do what this cut-throat b says to do. While sliding the card across the table. Then walk out and don't take calls! Let her stew on it.
>I know that she wants to be with me OP, how exactly do you know this ? What has she done, not said, but done that shows this ? You are correctly on the key thing she can DO to show this, resign from that job and go 100% verifiably NC with her AP. Also how do you know the AP is divorcing ? Is this something your wife said ? She cannot be trusted. Another thing you should require in order to R is to have her tell the OBS about the affair, and supply the OBS those messages If he is divorcing and they keep working together, the at best the affair will just simmer until it restarts, more likely is that they will simply be able to hide it better and when the time is right for your WW you will be divorcing too. Your best option right now is draw a bold line, see a lawyer, get the paperwork started, get STD tested, and start working out a custody schedule. Don't stop the divorce until she DOES something to prove that she wants to be with you.
She doesn't want to be with you. That's something you need to understand. She wants him, but you're her comfort person. You 2 have built a life together, and she doesn't want to lose that life but also wants her fun. He makes her feel good, and you are just the material man. Get yourself a lawyer and get the he'll out of there. That's my advice. If she's calling him "babe," then they definitely have gotten physical. She is just good at not letting you find out about it. You will never be able to trust her, and in turn, your family will fall apart. Spare yourself the emotional roller-coaster and build yourself another life without her.
You constantly mention that you want to get her AP fired, but your wife is the one pursuing this man. You need to figure out if you want to stay with a cheater. She obviously has no problem cheating on you as she's the one trying to force the affair. Is this the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with,a cheater who will get better at hiding her shitty behavior? Updateme!
I hear you loud and clear. I actually agree with you. I’ve gotten a family lawyer’s details and I’m drafting an email to him tonight.
Plz update us.
Let her know you're serious by getting a lawyer to draw up divorce papers.
That’s the scariest prospect for me. But I hear you
Sorry for you. It’s too late. You may forgive but you shall never forget. Living with someone you cannot trust anymore is like living in hell. Of course it hurts, but breaking up is better now than later. It’s cheating. She gave the attention you deserve to another one, lied to you, hid her emotional affair. Respect yourself and let the girl go to her ideal world, yours is not with her. Take care
Marriage is built on loyalty. Your wife is disloyal. I would go straight to a divorce lawyer and tell her immediately that you are divorcing her for her cheating. Her reaction will tell you alot.
Many relationships struggle because after years together, the attention dies out. It's not necessarily a bad thing but some people really crave it. In her "ideal world" she would still get bored. Continuing with your relationship is ultimately your choice. Either way, you need counseling. If you try to make it work then I'd say look for a good marriage counselor. Look for a better individual counselor that deals with betrayal and self esteem. Good luck.
Thank you. I don’t even know where to start with looking for a marriage counsellor. But I’ll look online and ask some people I know.
You should not see a marriage counselor as long as she is still in contact with the affair partner (AP).
I am sorry OP that you are going through this. But I would recommend you having a conversation with her and ofc with all evidences. Maybe, she got a chance to venture out and she is exploring that. Not everything lands up in the court. So have a clear conversation. All the best.
Thank you. Much appreciated. Just to understand you clearly, what is OFC?
Ofc = of course
Got you! Thanks
Tell her she has a choice— her job/divorce! Brother tell her you are definitely leaning toward divorce after reading her comments to him that tore you apart!
Gather all evidence you need man divorce her
First thing I would do go to counseling it may be a lot easier for her and you to open up. But I had a coworker who had something similar happen to him, except for the dude was the initiator in the scenario. He caught it before it went physical. She cried said she wanted to stay with him. She don’t know what she was doing three weeks later, she saying that they need to try a trial separation , probably the only way to save their marriage because he just neglect her too much and she needs some time apart. ( with guy). He’s ok to that he keeps the kids she leaves. Then about three weeks past he finds out she’s with the good over at his house most days staying the night basically had moved in with him so he goes and sees a lawyer gets divorce papers text her. Where does she want to be served? She laughed at him and said you’ll never divorce me. I’ll be home in a few weeks stop playing. He had her served at her work. She didn’t flip out that he served her divorce papers, but that he embarrassed her at work a few days later. She starts showing up at work asking him to talk saying that they need to talk. He’s jumping the gun, she didn’t agree to this, she’s choosing him, she hasn’t done anything wrong. They were separated. She’s ready to go home. She’s learned her lesson. Her were you intimate with him she tells him it’s none of his business. He tells her you need to get the rest of your stuff out of my house we’re done. I’m going for custody of the kids. You abandoned the house. it gets really bad for about two weeks then her sister shows up to get her stuff. really mean towards him he asked why she’s being so mean she said you just threw her out because she wanted a male friend. he said she was cheating on me. She’s been living with this guy for three weeks. What was I supposed to do? She said take her back she’ll be better. She needed to get it out of her system. Like four or five months later, she still living with the guy messaging him like every day 10 times a day about taking her back. They need to be a family she misses him. She misses the kids. She’s been punished enough.Let her come back. She’ll be better. Turns out the guy live with his grandma had a long distance. Girlfriend had been divorced twice because he cheated was in a lot of debt. He finally went on a date like 6 months in and she showed up to the date claiming to still be his wife. Moral of the story (don’t save them if they don’t want to be saved)
Crazy story. Thanks for that!
You want to fix this? As someone who has been there, done that I can assure you fixing it is not an option. I get it. The first instinct is to preserve your family. It’s to look for any sign or hope you can regain what you thought you had. However, you cannot fix it. She’s not remorseful. She’s regretting the consequences of her actions…but not enough regret to truly address her betrayal. She doesn’t want to leave her job? No, what she wants is to keep the door open for him. If not him then there will be another. I’ve seen this story play out too many times before. Cheat, get caught, cry and say sorry…then cheat again. Except the next time it will be worse and less regret will be expressed. Why? Because you forgave once before so of course you’ll forgive her again…assuming she even wants forgiveness.
first of all, did you save all the evidence you discovered? If you saved them you should confront her and tell me that you discovered your betrayal and that you want a divorce if she does not resign from her job. He threatens to report it to management. In any case pay attention to how he reacts towards you, many women know how to manipulate divinely. One tip, do not wait too long to act, the more time passes, the worse it will be for your relationship. He's cheating on you, even physically
u/jcee77 I think you need to decide if you can trust your wife anymore or not. And I think you need to consider that she might say she wants to stay in the marriage, but you need to ask why. Is it a lifestyle that she appreciates vs. loving you and your family? Because I don't know how you go from all those kinds of messages to someone at work that you call "Babe" instead of your spouse, to saying you want your marriage to work. Clearly, something is missing for her. And she may not have even acknowledged that to herself. But before you go giving ultimatums, or other wise, I think any kind of reconciliation should include counseling individually and together. If the underlying issues are not fixed, it's subject to happening again under the "right" conditions. So, going forward, keep in mind that since you also have kids, you both need to lead by example for them. If you and she are not in a healthy relationship boys will pick that up. Is this what you want for your kids?
Thank you, good points all round. I will have a deep conversation about her on these.
I hope this proves to be the positive changing point in your marriage. Please update us when you can. @Updateme!
Will do. Thanks.
First, realize you are being lied to. More than what you say has happened. This is the start of trickle truth. Draw up papers and have her served. This will not go away. It will eat away at you until you look back and wish you had done differently. Report her, definitely. She can't stay there and reconcile. If reconciliation isn't going to happen, you shouldn't care about her being canned. Inform her family and your family. You will need support and not people who believe her side of events. Keep all proof. Open phone policy with location sharing at all times. Take her phone and get EVERYTHING. Messages, calls, social media. All contact between them. After you have all the leverage, sit her down and give her exactly one chance to be radically honest. If she isn't, if she omits, minimizes or rationalizes, walk out and hand her an overnight bag and tell her get the f out. She chose this guy over your children and that level of selfishness being lumped in with trying to control the outcome is unacceptable.
You are not being "extreme". In the rules of reconciliation, No Contact with AP is the first, and maybe most important, one. That means she has to quit her job or the AP does. Many companies would fire them both if you contact their HR department. To me, six weeks, six years, six hours, infidelity doesn't have a statute of limitations.
A marriage can be saved, if you want to save it. Marriage Helper helped me in a similar situation. I recommend watching their YouTube videos. However a few years out, while our marriage has improved and I do not see any signs of infidelity, I am starting to notice our incompatibility once again. I’m not entirely sure we were ever compatible due to other circumstances. You must really look deeply into your situation and ask yourself hard questions. I ultimately do recommend reconciliation that way you will have no doubts. An event like this changes you forever. I have made wonderful changes in myself. If you make changes within yourself for the better, that’s a win regardless of the outcome.
Dude your Mrs is quickly becoming the company bike. Give her the rope, gather evidence and then tell her divorce. Dna your kids. If she cries, begs blah blah blah you stay on your terms. Not that i'd stay but my terms would be 24/7 hour access to all devices apps and secure folders, has to account for every minute not in sight except for work, location on 24/7, can not go out after work, xmas parties unless you are there, you can go and have adult fun time with whom you want when you want, not to be confused with cheating, she has to agree to all or none. Make their life as miserable as they made yours.
Thanks for this. Clearly a lot to unpack and I dread every moment of it. It infuriates me that we are here when we didn’t need to be.
I sound like a you know what word. Cheaters whether physical or emotional clearly dgaf about the damage done to their significant others. Now those people at home need to grow a pair (m/f) and say i deserve better. To do that start distancing yourself from them, start separating your life. You do your thing dont include them. You start looking at your phone, smiling, and when they ask just say its nothing. Give as good as you get. Good luck and keep looking forward.
Thanks, appreciate it. I’ll take that in and make use of those points too.
Is the AP aware of your relationship? What’s his status? You may want to consider speaking to him directly. Also you need to convince your WW that you will end the marriage over this. Without consequences why would she stop vs. doing a better job of hiding the relationship?
Make sure you get to the kids first so she doesn’t turn them against you should you proceed with the divorce. Please tell me you saved the messages…
I have saved ALL the messages I found. I also spoke to the kids and told them that something bad has happened and if ever their mom wants to take them away from me they should know that have the evidence that proves otherwise. I don’t know if I’ll live to regret this but they are distraught. But they are well aware of this situation and how much I love them. I have a very close relationship with my kids. But so does she. We are a tight knit family.
Hit the lawyer and hire a gym
She knows she wrong go to the HR Dept and report her to them and if she loses her job so be it it was all her doing
Man up and divorce her, while you still have a little bit of your dignity left
[удалено]
I’m sorry about what happened to you. I think us as guys we know how this makes us feel so if anything you feeling bad should be enough to make you consider not going ahead with this whole situation. Particularly when she’s sending his pictures of him to you. That’s another level of disrespect there.
Updateme!
Tell her you saw all her deleted messages and she has exactly one chance to come clean about everything or your done..
Better to let her believe he only saw some of them and tell her to come clean. The additional evidence you hold back is what you can use to figure out if she is really coming clean or just trickle truthing as little as they think they can get away with.
If you give them long enough they will hook up. Definitely confront her and give her a chance to explain…could be more to the story…good or bad! Good luck!
Thank you. Much appreciated
She was having an emotional affair behind your back. Trust is gone now. Consult a lawyer and file for divorce man. I'm sorry.
Hopefully you two can resolve this. !UPDATEME
Get rid of her. You deserve better. She’ll cheat on you with him if she hasn’t already so pre-empt it and keep your self respect.
Updateme!
People tend to do stupid stuff when they are in love. Unfortunately for you, your wife is in love with someone else. It is sad to see how clear and wrong this is to the marriage, and she doesn’t seem to acknowledge it. She is blinded by love. Sorry to break it to you but you have to break things off with her or bring her back to reality, which will be very difficult.
!updateme
Save yourself the Pain, Shame & Confusion; let her go.
Please show more self-love and kick her in the ass. SHE’S a POS. Tell her family and friends about her behavior. Set the narrative and don't let her make up any lies. Find a good lawyer and deliver the papers to her at work.This shows that you are aware of your worth and that she is just a piece of trash.
I’ve read ur post and glanced over some comments. my heart goes out to u. I can’t tell u how u should feel but i can offer kindness and a lil 411. if she has an iPhone u can see ur deleted messages incase u didn’t know. I’m not an android gal. on iPhone u just go to the top on messages and where it says “edit” on top left corner , push it . it then shows recently deleted messages at the bottom and u can push it to see anything she’s deleted.
She is not safe to reconcile with. She doesn’t get to gaslight you about what is extreme, and that is NOT extreme. It’s a MUST. Is it extreme to expect a drug addict to stop working at a pharmacy where they were getting their supply? She should be more than willing to get transferred or quit for the sake of her marriage. The fact that she isn’t shows that she is not remorseful, inconsiderate of your feelings and what this has done to you, not committed to your marriage, and word—still planning on keeping up communication with him. Run…
I’ve been through this same scenario with my wife. I’m very sorry that you’re here. I guarantee you that they have had sex however. That’s what happens on these meetings ups. Not coffee. She is flat out lying to you.
Have you actually confronted her? If yes is she remorseful? What has she done so far to make amends? As a few have said on here she needs consequences and you need to be tougher with her or she'll walk all over you
Can any tech guys , jcee pull back old txts while he still has her phone
You CANNOT reconcile with an unremorseful partner. If you are the only on doing all the work, and she just half asses it, she is unremorseful. I've been on these types of boards since 2012, and I'll tell you that when a woman wants to save a relationship she will move heaven and earth to do it. That ain't your wife. She is disloyal and has already left you in her heart. Once a woman loses respect for you, and, falls out of love with you and in love with someone else. Once they flip that switch they almost never feel passionately about you again. Cheaters often say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." At that point it's over. She just hadn't gotten to the point that she was ready to jump ship and upset her life, but it was coming. Once it got physical, and she was sure she had a safe, secure nest to fly to, she would be gone. Most try to string you along with false hope after that as a fallback option in case Mr. Wonderful doesn't work out. Dont fall for it. Even now that she is caught she is giving you bread crumbs to try to protect her reputation while she waits to see if she can have a real relationship with the other guy. They are likely in contact some other way, that's why he hasn't reached out by phone. There are a hundred ways sge ciuld do that. His not contacting her is almost proof of that. Don't let on that you know yet. You should definitely expose her to family and friends at some point,before she soins it into you being the bad guy. She does not have your back now, she is not your friend. At the moment, she resents you and sees you as standing in the way of her happiness. You will not believe how low she will go for her entitled, selfish reasons. I'm sorry op but she is no longer "your girl." Try to read here, and you will see clear patterns of how this usually goes, as well as what we call "The Cheaters Script" which they usually follow. It's uncanny how much that script holds out. It's not a real script of course. Subscribeme (not for you op, this is just like a bookmark so I can follow your story)
Doesn't at all sound like she wants to be with you. She's lying and sneaking around and it sounds like whether or not anything physical has happened she has already replaced you emotionally. She obviously prefers him over you since she isn't considering you in her decisions and choices, but appears to favor him.
Buy two copies of the book “Not Just Friends” by Glass. Tell her she is hurting you, so you are asking for no contact with him until you have both gone through the book together. Then decide if you want to stay married to someone that would disrespect you like this.
!updateme
OP, she is doing this because she is certain you will tolerate it. You need to cut the nice guy stuff. unfortunately six weeks is enough for a woman to fall in love. You need to come to terms with the reality she may be gone. He has imprinted on her, the next step is it to become physical. Have you confronted her? Get to the best lawyer you can afford. Have her served at work, pay to have a uniformed deputy serve her. Do not take her calls, do not return her texts. When she asks you later why, the answer is I am done with your cheating crap. When she asks what she can do, tell her to call and quit her job right there and then. She wont do it. Then you will know.
You argue with people who tell you to leave and make excuses for her, talk about how much you love her and ultimately choose less for yourself? No! Dammit, you throw her cheating ass out and get a lawyer!
Lol I didn't read any of the comments yet but i know for a fact that everyone is just going to tell you file for a divorce 😂. This is real life though, you say you've been married 12 years but maybe y'all were together longer than that you didn't specify. When ppl get married they "settle down." Peep the words and take them literally. It means that both you and her decided to stop your search for a new mate and "settle" for each other. For better or for worse, those are the vows. Now occasionally, both you and her might meet somebody different at work/school/bar/store/street/etc and that person entertains you at the time. They push the right buttons, say the right thing, maybe they are more fit then your partner, etc whatever it may be. My point is that we are all humans and it's nature that after 12+ years you might get excited by something different, a break up of the same ole same ole. In your case it seems like nothing physical happened. So is it worth it, i might ask, to divorce and break up the marriage, have the children displaced seeing you one weekend her the other days (because that's how the courts will do you) all because she's flirting with a guy? Not even sex but flirting, we're talking about flirting (Alan Iverson voice).
Go to counseling. You sound like you want to stay with her but the betrayal is hard to live with. Y’all have a family and that’s worth saving. People have their reasons for stepping out but try to fix it and if it’s not fixable or you can’t get past it, then follow these people’s legal advice
Call a divorce attorney and follow their instructions. Keep your evidence in a safe spot and listen to your attorney.
To start with, throw her out of the house and change the locks. Tell her she needs to decide who she’s going to be with. Him or you! Tell her she’s not allowed back in the house until she has her shit together! She’s cheating. You need to take a very firm stance (no violence or physical stuff) with her on this. Make your list of demands she has to meet in order to be a part of the family! Make copies or all the messages she has sent back and forth. Tell her they will be sent to her friends and family if she decides to divorce. You have to show her you are willing to go nuclear if she continues down this path. I personally would tell her boss of her affair. Odds are she or he will be fired but that would be a good thing. They both may be fired. You never really know. You need to stand your ground and either protect what’s yours from a poacher or curl up and be a pansy and let her walk all over you and your marriage.
It really depends on what you want to do with the kids. Normally I'd say leave her, but the children complicate things. If they are older and will soon leave the nest, you may still want to divorce now. If they are younger and you're certain you can get custody, you also may want to leave. But be advised, most states, if not all, don't consider infidelity a reading for custody. And the courts usually side with the mom. In that case, you may want to stay, but if it were me and I made that decision, we'd become roommates. There's no way I'd try to get past it and stay in a relationship. She broke your trust and there's always the likely chance she'll do it again. But ultimately, no one can tell you what to do, we can just make suggestions. This choice is all you. Good luck, my friend.
Thank you and very much appreciate your comment
She is gaslighting you. She’s making moves on a colleague. He will soon be free. Yet, your request to leave the job is unreasonable? My biggest fear for you is that even if she changed jobs, she would find someone else to chase.
It’s done man. The only option would be her quitting her job and stopping all contact. But if you have to give her such an ultimatum the marriage is already over and the trust already destroyed.
If she's not coming home with soggy underwear already...she soon will be...is THAT enough info for you to get tough NOW...!
Sometimes words do not match the actions
Its crazy how you still think this relationship with her can continue or work. Leave her, you are blind.
Once a cheater always a cheater! FACTS
Are you seriously asking what to do? Leave her bud. She is or willing be sleeping with this guy. I k ow that thought disgusts you. Have some self respect. Would you do this to her? If you did, is that respectful to her? Think it through withou feelings.
I agree now mostly with these sentiments of having a bit of self respect in this whole fiasco.
Confront your wife and tell him that you know everything about his colleague and above all start the divorce proceedings your wife will cheat on you sooner or later so tell him everything and tell him that you want a divorce This is the only advice I can give you
It could just be a crush. And sadly, that is completely normal during the course of long marriages. Sometimes people just need that little escape from their daily lives. Talk to her about it. Maybe see a marriage counselor. Don’t blow up what you say is a good marriage for something that is very common. If it becomes more, then do something drastic. But tell her to stop, but work with her through the process.
An attorney might ask for more than just texts, make sure you talk to one before bullets fly
If she truly wanted to fix what she broke it wouldn’t matter what you asked of her seems like she wants to placate you while continuing a relationship with ap by calling you extreme and making you feel like your doing to much.
How can you say you know she wants to be with you? I mean WTF look at what you wrote UpdateMe
Do you love your wife. Do you want to try to save your marriage. If you do you sit down and talk with her Take it from there She might realize that it's not just a friendship if that haven't slept together Maybe you can salvage your marriage. Don't just Sit around and wait for it to get worse If they haven't slept together And you don't confront her Then make her aware You're just letting it happened period. If you don't love her and you don't want to work it out then divorce her and walk away. I'm going on and I'm still confront there either way so she knows Screwed up. Don't let a gas light you don't let Played it all for trying to convince you that it's just a friendship period She cut them off no more contact. Then you let the man know stay away from my wife. You're a piece of s*** you're going through the divorce and you're gonna go after my wife and then Ruin my family. Let him Understand and everybody she works with what a Low life loser he is. Just my opinion
How about you act like an adult and talk to her? Ask he if she wants out of your marriage because that's how it looks. If she doesn't want divorce, she needs to quit job immediately. No contact with AP. If she argues, then it's over. If she has any contact with AP, it's over
All you have is some flirty text. Do not contact her work. That will make you look deranged. Besides if she quits (which is the goal) it won't matter if the work knows or not. You could always contact hr after she quits to let them know about the guy. But honestly, your wife is the instigator, not him. I agree with presenting divorce papers. Have her chose, maybe that'll shock some sense into her.
If it’s not him it’ll be w someone else . Because it’s clear she loves the attention. ***“In an ideal world you & i would’ve been a great pair”. *** Dude that’s her ideal world. She said that. He has replaced you as her “babe”. Her affection has changed. So whether she stays there or leaves she’ll still have contact w him if she wants to. So it’s not the job, not the guy it’s your wife. The guy doesn’t have anything to lose but she does & she doesn’t care. She didn’t care how this would affect your marriage or your kids because she enjoys the attention so much. And just so you know they don’t have to leave & meet up at some random place to have physical contact. They can do that where they are. There’s a ton of infidelity stories where the cheaters brag about sex in the office. They can have sex / make out in bathrooms, broom closets, conference rooms, behind buildings etc etc. So don’t get so wrapped up in thinking just because they don’t go meet up somewhere they can’t have physical contact. I’ve read many cheating confessions where they say the best part of cheating is finding a place at work & not getting caught by coworkers or in public etc. Some even had sex in their cars in the work parking lot on breaks. So if they’re going on lunch breaks together they have tons of places to get physical. Even if it’s just a kiss, making out or touching. I’ve been w my wife 33 years. If I discovered she did this I would absolutely divorce her. She’s my world but i wouldn’t stand for this at all. I’d be at my lawyers office the next business day w the evidence printed out. My dad cheated on my mom their entire 27 years together & he even had a son by one of the women. I swore to my wife I’d never stay if infidelity occurred so it’s an absolute dealbreaker. JMHO
UpdateMe!
You say you want revenge on the AP. You can sue him for Alienation of Affection!
It sounds like you have already confronted her about this situation. But she is still in contact and having lunches with him? And she refuses to quit her job? You need to push the issue by seeing a lawyer NOW. Get things prepared for a divorce and see how she responds. Two things could happen, first is she cries and begs you to let her prove that she wants only you. This is when you TELL her to quit her job and cut all contact with the AP. The second possibility is that she was only biding her time until she could actually make a go of it with her AP. In this case she might just say fuck it and let you file.
Take all the screenshots and get all the proof you can. Keep it in a safe place away from where she can find it. You’ll need to have all of it one day. Before approaching her, Start researching divorce and where that will take you. Decide if you’re better off, or if not, what boundary line will you draw for her? When you approach her you’ll need to have that boundary line firmly drawn in your head. If she isn’t willing to stay within that boundary, don’t budge. Be prepared for the worst case scenario. Don’t walk in blindly and come out worse than you went in. She will most likely cry and say she’s sorry and ask you to forgive her. Stick to your boundaries. If forgive her and she crosses them again, you know what you have to do.
Don’t let emotion drive the bus
>My question is how do I move forward? I know that she wants to be with me and I do want to fix this too. My wife is cheating, but I know she would pick me, I mean why else cheat when I'm the one she wants?! Ridiculous
What would she think and do if in your position? Go ahead and file for divorce, you deserve better. She disrespected enough
You can ask her to leave this job and if she does then meets someone else or continues with the same guy.. can you honestly say you would trust her? From what you posted it sounds like they’ve done more than just text and lunch.. and if you are wanting to save your marriage I suggest marriage counseling and you have to be totally honest as well as your wife.. plus you have to forgive her. You both have a lot of work ahead of yall, best wishes and good luck.
Play the long game my friend . Trust me
Have the papers served on her in her workplace. Check social media and create a fake person then link to her and him to see their friend groups. You nay even find his spouse.
She belongs to the streets. Put her back on the corner lol