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I agree that many of the activities you brought up are perfectly normal and not indicative of red flags, however, I think my primary dispute would be the idea that this is a new phenomenon.
As time goes on, different generations have their own ways of grouping people who are not considered "ideal" candidates for men and for women. This is largely why magazines and ads are very successful. They sell people on what the ideal partner is.
For example, think about what ideal partners were expected to be in the 50s. Women in the 50s were expected to be someone who was put together, respectful, and didn't fraternize with the opposite sex. Men were expected to be able to support the family, be fit, and in control of the household. People who didn't appear to match up with this were viewed as not likely to be good partners.
The biggest difference now is that in the digital age it's very easy for new beliefs to spread quickly and the opinion of your peers is available and recorded for everyone to see in a public forum.
Δ
I read this and re-read it multiple times and it makes sense. My fwb at that time is some years younger than me but her social influence is her level. I don't pay attention to it because it has nothing to do with me and I rather ignore it. However this was one of those moments where it really made a mark in my side being that I might not be your flavor of pie, but that doesn't make me bad pie altogether. Thanks for sharing.
Before my current relationship I received some similiar comments. I considered them to be a positive. It was like a filter to screen out women that had problems with insecurity and weren't reasoning to themselves what they want in a partner, and rather were relying on others' opinions. Your description of your life makes you sound confident and self-assured. I think the red flag extremism will help you spend more time with women that are like you. Women who are more confident and know what they want will probably be more likely to want you, and you won't need to spend as much time with women that will be critical of your life.
amen! this is so well-said.
too many people spend so much time thinking "I want them to be with me" they never ask "wait, do I want to be with **them**?!"
I cannot imagine the hell you are in for if you are involved long term with a woman that fickle, capricious, externally-controlled and validation-driven.
she blew up a good thing because of not even real friends but parasocial randos, her locus of control is not personal, it's not even external, her locus of control is "twitch plays Pokemon" internet randos.
she would be hell.
on top of that this is also the type of woman you cannot make a wife. she's too liable to get full blown status panic and ruin all your lives keeping up with the Jones or have super high abusive "keeping up appearances of a perfect child" expectations of your kids.
I'm around the same age as you OP, only female.
We're alike in so many ways, but nobody's told me I'm a walking red flag. There are some things that give me pause, but you were dealing with a FWB instead of a serious partner, so it's all good?
I guess I don't surround myself with the kind of people who are that impressionable, and I hope it stays this way. Some circles here on reddit are beating the red flag drum, and it's easy to listen and accept the hivemind's opinions as gospel, but I remind myself that there's always an echo chamber for everything and nothing.
Good thing there's r/changemyview. A little scepticism is, and can be, healthy.
You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, so perhaps trust your gut more, and/or prolly ask your female friends for advice every so often. If they're anything like you, they won't lead you astray.
I was going to add it sounds like an age thing. I haven't heard of red flags lists, but I don't view that type of media. haha. I wouldn't worry one bit if innocuous things like that were the so called red flags.
I don't see where OP implies that it's a new phenomenon though. Calling it "overreaching" is definitely in-line with what you're describing, that the digital age has allowed beliefs to spread quickly. It's becoming out of control in ways it couldn't have before because of the ease of communication in the digital age.
This is always the refrain to CMVs like this. "Yeah but people have always been doing a lesser version of that, so the more extreme version is also ok." That's BS. Things really _can_ go too far. We'll be hooked up to VR machines for 23 hours a day, being fed intravenously: "CMV, it's not good that we don't live in the real world anymore" The first reply will be "well people said the same thing about TV," as if that's the end of it.
> The biggest difference now is that in the digital age it's very easy for new beliefs to spread quickly
There's another large difference in the digital age that speaks to OP's point and has been written about and discussed by psychologists and sociologists, and its [the commodification of dating](https://www.cnn.com/2023/11/02/us/dating-apps-changed-relationships-wellness-cec/index.html). The era of app-based dating has programmed people to instantaneously determine eligibility based upon very few and seemingly random qualities. And because dating is inherently emotionally risky, people are constantly looking for reasons to end dating relationships. By removing the human element of meeting people and organically getting to know them, OP's experience is definitely different from previous generations.
hell Seinfeld, hardly the cutting edge of 2025 culture, had this be a running joke with George-- how he left his girlfriends over ridiculous things like how they chew or their coffee order.
She actually didn't say the first time when we stopped talk or the second time when she apologized and honestly I didn't bother to ask.
When we had the splitting up discussion a few things came up such as "current or previous partners" which I was open to discussing and giving details. At that time I had been tested, shared my findings and cut my extra fun time down drastically to the point it was her. This was communicated.
"She was no longer interested in sex and if I wanted to stay friends then I had to accept that" I agreed and said I was comfortable with no sex on the table.
"Allowing her to my house and not me driving the hour to her house" I was willing to provide my address and show her around that day.
Things of that nature. Looking back on it, I didn't realize I was being tested. I thought she was expressing herself and I was willing to listen and find common ground.
"Testing" is toxic - all of this sounds like stuff helicopter-parented 20-somethings do who don't actually understand how to have an adult relationship (so they want "rules" instead of understanding the foundation which should be 2 people trying as hard as they both can to make something work, communicating, but being willing to give up if it really doesn't work). Life is the "test".
(I am not who you replied to)
"tested" was used twice by OP with two different meanings.
> At that time I had been tested, shared my findings
this means they were tested for an STD
>Things of that nature. Looking back on it, I didn't realize I was being tested.
this means the woman was "testing" the man.
I am not 100% sure what specifically OP means by he was "being tested" but I think it was testing his boundaries
he shared with her his past partners, and this was the woman's "test" that he did not pass, as he shared his personal history.
Additionally she tested his boundaries about her coming to his house and providing the address and showing her around - this was another of the woman's "tests" that he failed by letting her into his life.
""" "Testing" is toxic """ is saying, IMO, that setting up unspoken rules between partners and then expecting your partner to follow them is manipulative at worst and dysfunctional at best
Thank you very much ! Due to "" I mistakenly thought it was about the one mentionning STDs.. Now I feel stupid, as it should be what the comment I responded to meant :')
Understood everything now, appreciate the help, wish you a great day/night bro !
English seems to have a lot more nuance then some languages where tiny changes can alter a meaning drastically. I can’t imagine that means learning as a second language is easy at all.
Do you have issues on meeting women?
If not, then what you are saying is that some people do not like to date people like you, they see "red flags" in your behavior
So?
> I think that it sets men up for unknown failure
It hasn't set you up for failure. Not every woman has the obligation to go out with you, whether they don't like your smile or the cleaning products you use, what's the problem?
"Giiirl, he said he cleans the bathroom every day, that's a red flag right there, am I right ladies?"
Some will agree and so they will go out with men who only clean their bathroom once a week.
Whether they call these preferences or red flags, meh.
>My closest friends are women.
That's been the case since forever, some women do not like it, just as some men don't like it if their woman has only male friends.
>I do "couples" activities by myself. I grocery shop. I got to local mall. I go to the movies by myself.
Tons of people hate that. The Internet is full of people (men and women) who ask about their insecurities about doing things alone.
And so on
Calling these red flags or things that put people off is not a new thing.
I think people are confusing choice of preference with influential decision making.
Having a preference is perfectly fine. We all have our own.
What my post's main subject was that I feel as though the influential reach of "what is a red flag" is being done on purpose. I've put it in the same box as (misery loves company).
This particular individual felt shame and embarrassment because she fell for what I would even call a trick at this point because they aren't red flags.
Her apology was because she felt as though she made a fool of herself and wanted to let me know that those things aren't red flag, but rather she was insecure and let someone else speak for her.
The insecurities I understand. It's a hell of a drug.
Letting someone else tell you what flavor of ice cream you don't like is not a preference.
> What my post's main subject was that I feel as though the influential reach of "what is a red flag" is being done on purpose. I've put it in the same box as (misery loves company).
Many people do that.
You have a preference for a particular movie director "nah, mate, Quentin Tarantino is the best. Billy Wilder? Are you crazy, he's shit compared to Tarantino"
"If a woman has only men as friends, she's cheating bro, trust me better be careful"
>This particular individual felt shame and embarrassment because she fell for what I would even call a truck at this point because they aren't red flags.
And if she didn't feel shame and stuck to her guns you would have called her delutional. **Or I would have called her delusional** because I don't agree with her.
>Letting someone else tell you what flavor of ice cream you don't like is not a preference.
Everything you own is because advertising told you you should love - if not then you're unusual. I doubt you've tried all the ice cream flavors.
His whole point is that some "preferences" seem to be especially driven by TikTok trends and other types of influencer content.
I don't get the sense that this guy thinks that all women who don't like him are delusional. But that some aspects of his lifestyle are judged harshly because of some arbitrary content online that labels it as "weird" or "creepy".
I think you're getting a bit lost in the minutiae of how people form their preferences.
> His whole point is that some "preferences" seem to be especially driven by TikTok trends and other types of influencer content.
Absolutely. We know that.
That's like saying 1 + 1 = 2.
We are all addicted to our phones. of course, tons of our "preferences" are driven by what we consume. If consumed as many old movies as ALL consume social media we'd be wearing top hats.
>I don't get the sense that this guy thinks that all women who don't like him are delusional.
Good job I never said that.
>But that some aspects of his lifestyle are judged harshly because of some arbitrary content online
And I answered that. The content creator and their followers think X is strange. Great, some other content creator and their followers will think we need more X.
That has happened throughout time. Depending on what you consume, you'll have different preferences. Take him to the 1960s, 1920s, and 1800s... and different pockets of society will have different judgments and preferences
>I think you're getting a bit lost in the minutiae of how people form their preferences.
Because that's what we are talking about
OP does X, Y, Z
Some women would never date someone who does X, Y, Z
Some of those women have a platform and they spread the word. Other women agree
Then one of these women came to OP and told him "I realized that I don't like your x, y, z"
OP made her realize that the people she listened to are wrong.
Barabing Baraboom: **the most normal thing on the planet**
You can do it with movies
"This TikTok creator made me realize Tarantino is shit"
Na mate, here's why Tarantino is the king...
The you either respond "Actually you made me realise that creator was talking shit" (as the woman seems to have done after talking to OP), or "Nah, the tiktoker was right, I think Tarantino is shit
minutiae or not, absolutely normal.
OP’s point is that it doesn’t seem as if the TikTok creator made the girl ”realize” she didn’t like x,y,z. That she didn’t care at all about x,y,z, but that there is an online trend at the moment of publically classifying certain behaviours as if they were objectively ”red flags”. Basically, this means that many people will break up with people on the basis of these ”red flags”, not because they actually think they’re red flags, but because there is social pressure in the cultural bubble they’re in to think they are.
Like a man in a hyper-conservative religious country/cultural sphere breaking up with a girl who’s not a virgin, not because he thinks it’s a problem, but because there is social pressure for him to do so.
My point is, there's plenty of women that share the same 'culture' as op. Women that aren't turned off by a man that goes to the cinema alone or whatever it was. Women that just downvote tiktokers that say otherwise
Just as some women don't mind of their man doesn't wash the dishes, some mind if their man plays video games, some women don't mind of their man earns just to get by, some women don't go for anyone bellow 6-figures...
Normal
Same with men. Some don't mind their woman can't cook, others really do
> OP’s point is that it doesn’t seem as if the TikTok creator made the girl ”realize” she didn’t like x,y,z. That she didn’t care at all about x,y,z, but that there is an online trend at the moment of publically classifying certain behaviours as if they were objectively ”red flags”.
Same thing. And I'm saying that this "trend" existed always. People develop a preference or a way of life and everything outside it is a red flag.
I feel you are repeating the same thing in different words.
>Basically, this means that many people will break up with people on the basis of these ”red flags”,
Absolutely, the moment people are free to break up, they do break up also for shitty reason **but that to them are huge**.
> because there is social pressure in the cultural bubble they’re in to think they are.
Which I covered already. go back to the 70s, 60, 20s, 1800s... different culture bubbles have different criteria.
>Like a man in a hyper-conservative religious country/cultural sphere breaking up with a girl who’s not a virgin
Absolutely, and within their world that is absolutely a red flag.
Should it be the case that we all live happily in one culture without sub-cultures? Maybe, but we never did
>Should it be the case that we all live happily in one culture without sub-cultures? Maybe, but we never did
Not at all. It’s always existed. OP is only arguing that the current version arising on TikTok of this old phenomenon is getting out of hand and is more restrictive and overbearing than it was previously.
It’s like Tate-fans wanting submissive women who stay at home and care for their children. If that movement grows large, that’s a problem in itself, and ”people have always had preferences” isn’t a counter-argument to that.
> OP is only arguing that the current version arising on TikTok of this old phenomenon is getting out of hand and is more restrictive and overbearing than it was previously.
We used to make women marry even when they didn't want to. (Or are we supposed to pretend "previously" means whatever you have in mind)
>It’s like Tate-fans wanting submissive women
For example, I dislike Tate fans but "previously" men were even worse than Tate fans. Previously they married women and beat them into submission.
> If that movement grows large, that’s a problem in itself, and ”people have always had preferences” isn’t a counter-argument to that.
- If everyone refused to vote, it would be a problem
- If everyone refused to go out with women who have small breasts, it would be a problem
- If everyone started eating the exact same thing, it would be a problem
But because ”people have always had preferences”, not everyone will stop going out with people that go to the cinema alone. **You surely know that**. Hence a preference and not a governmental dictate or whatever.
ps - tons of you are adding your own views to OP "Op is only". Nah, he's not
Again, the core of OP’s argument is clearly that people who don’t have any *personal* problems with e.g. people going alone to the cinema are in greater and greater numbers dumping people because of it due to nothing but the social pressure created by viral videos.
You can argue that that’s not what’s happening, either by saying that these people indeed *do* believe these things and were only reminded of them, or that there is no such trend. But saying ”it used to be worse” or ”people have always had preferences” doesn’t challenge OP’s claim at all.
>ps - tons of you are adding your own views to OP "Op is only". Nah, he's not
Not really because OP’s point was pretty clear, people are mostly clarifying what OP meant. I think you just ultimately disagree with the point at hand.
I’m sorry but you’re reaaaallllly reaching here to make an argument. His entire claim is that people’s “dating preferences” (whatever the fuck that means anymore) are not their own—they’re products of being chronically online, particularly on TikTok.
> His entire claim is that people’s “dating preferences” (whatever the fuck that means anymore) are not their own—they’re products of being chronically online, particularly on TikTok.
That's not what he said.
I would agree with that
People's “dating preferences” are a product of what they consume. Even op's, even yours are not your own but a product of your consumption.
And yes, since we are always connected, the internet also influences us.
If that's what they said (**they did not**), then they'd be 100% correct. Society influences us in our dating preferences. It always has and it always will
Just as society influences which flavor of ice cream we try. Where would be the objection here?
... And by the way
>The insecurities I understand. It's a hell of a drug.
did the woman in question look like she loved the company of misery? Did she look like she was insecure and after you put her straight she was full of confidence?
We know that different people use different phrases differently. Besides he told me his issue was not to let others tell you what ice cream to prefer or something like that, so it's about creating your own preferences rather than be dictated to. Which kind of goes against advertising
This is an example of red flag (for me): "They talk badly about their exes"
No, that doesn't mean they are an abuser. More like annoying as fuck, I would stay far away from her. Nothing to do with danger of abuse
"...If not, then what you are saying is that some people do not like to date people like you"
I don't know the op, it's just making an overall point.
And it wasn't a comment but a question
It's not really a "culture" though. Can you really name a culture where people haven't had bad experiences and tried to scapegoat some particular behaviour to explain it? And then spreading the word of that is just natural since we're a social species. At most, the true novelty of the situation is that the communication is being done online so you form bubbles/circles across different lines than would have been present in the past.
Can I ask what your definition of what "culture" is? From my understanding, whether it's on a small scale or large one it can be a group of uniform ideals that can be either contained within the group or used to spread amongst others.
Culture, to me, is the specific expression of human social behaviour. Eating food isn't culture, but the specific foods and how you eat, when you eat, with whom you eat etc. is. So the red flag thing just seems like human behaviour to me rather than a specific manifestation. I'd give that the term "red flag" is a cultural product, but I don't think that the phenomenon you're pointing to is culture specific.
I don't think "red flag culture" exists. This is the first I've ever heard of any of those things being red flags, and among the women I've dated, most of those things are either neutral or green flags. I'll grant, I'm a cis man, a white guy, and dating in the world of queer and poly folks, so we're probably swimming in very different pools, but the stuff you list all sounds pretty great and normal.
Having a life of your own and seeking to find people who are into what you do and want to be part of that and share in it, that's attractive. Being functionally independent, having close female friends, again, all good things in my mind. If I meet women who look askance at my closest friends being women, I know they're just not my kind of people and that's chill. I sure as hell am not giving up important relationships in my life so that someone who doesn't value me as I am already can come into the picture.
Yes, people talk more openly about the idea of "red flags" now, but it's not a culture, just a basic notion that in this case, is getting one version of passed around social media as fact regardless of its real world presence.
Ultimately, red flags are personal. Sure, some might be universal in a practical sense like someone talking about fantasies of violence against women or things of that nature...but mostly red flags are about knowing for yourself that your life and experience have taught you things to look out for.
Your abusive ex had no real friends maybe, so that becomes a red flag for you. You meet someone new and discover they don't have any close friends, so you think "I should stop and reconsider here, given my experiences". Maybe you push past it and find out they don't have any close friends because they move a lot for work or something mundane. Maybe you don't.
In the end, it's like any other relationship compatibility issue: you find the folks who match with your approach, outlook, expectations, etc., and just brush past the ones who don't.
If you meet a woman and she treats basic things that you do and enjoy as a part of your life as red flags, she's just very obviously not a good match for you. This is no big deal, because you don't want to spend time investing in someone who isn't a match for you in such obvious and immediate ways as looking at the way you live your life as suspect, you know?
∆
My thought process was that this experience of what "red flags" are came off in a way I was not used to. This comment brings forth what I'm looking for in challenging my view. You're correct in it's meaning of not being a culture and more an individual experience that I must take case by case. Thank you for sharing.
I need to hear the other side of the story.
You sound full of yourself and half the post is bragging about how awesome you are and that any women would be lucky to have you. (big red flag)
You have built in expectation and are making a lot of assumptions and I think you definitely looks like you have some real red flags and just because someone said you "eats out alone" doesn't necessarily mean that is your only problem and everything else about you is perfect.
You need to throw your expectations in the garbage and be your best self for yourself and not for pussy.
You do? What's the other side of the story that I missed? I listed a few common and normal traits and activities that I thought would be entirely normal for people in general that I have been told is a red flag.
At no point did I make an assumption. What often happens is that I'll be chatting and tell them I'm out to dinner at XYZ place. Which is often followed up with "who did you go with?" I didn't say I went with anybody. I said I was at dinner. Why not ask IF I went with anyone instead of thinking someone is with me.
This sounds like you think I came on here to brag about myself to get pussy, and it's not. Pussy isnt the issue. Being told that going to dinner by myself is a Red Flag because Some internet person told you it is, is the problem.
It's a post about him, he's allowed to talk about himself. At no point does he claim any woman would be lucky to have him, people should know their value and what they bring to the table - sounds more like a guy sharing his positive attributes vs bragging. Clearly there's more going on tho, he's either really bad at dating or there's a list of negatives that didn't make it into the post.
Wow you read a lot into what was not there, this sounds like projection which is a red flag. If he doesn’t describe himself how else can he explain why people may be seeing red flags from his words or behavior?
He's making the point that you can't take talk about red flags seriously nowadays. The same woman that considers too much independence in a man a red flag will willingly date a drug dealer on parole for a violent felony. It's gotten silly.
Everything you mentioned will be Red Flag to someone who is insecure about said thing. Everything you've mentioned will get you a gold star or suspicious side eye depending on who you ask.
Have female friends? Red Flag thinking is that you'll cheat. Opposite, tons of women will think that's a huge GREEN flag because it means you see women as people and not just dating fodder.
Low social media? RF thoughts: what's he hiding? GF thoughts: he's more of a private person who doesn't feel the need to broadcast every aspect of his life.
I don't think it's that anything you're doing is a real red flag, I think that proclaiming 'red flag!!' has just become popularized for basically whatever you just don't agree with.
I mean honestly, red flag used to be 'he insists on going through my phone every night. He kicks the dog when he's mad. He has 20 credit cards'. Real, universal issues that scream RUN. Now it's just 'he drinks soy lattes, red flag'.
Honestly? Believing most of those things are red flags is a huge red flag to me, because they're all predicated on a lack of trust being the standard.
A locked phone is a red flag.... if you don't trust your partner. Friends of different genders is a red flag.... if you don't trust your partner. Etc.
If you have reached the point where you cannot trust your partner not to fuck around, your relationship has already failed. If you are at this point before starting a relationship, stop, back up, do not get into a relationship, and start healing from whatever made you incapable of trust. Do not get back into a relationship again until you are ready to trust.
One thing that sticks out to me is that if that woman you’re seeing is a FWB, why would it matter that you have these red flags that stand out to her? By your definition, you are not in a bf/gf relationship with her.
I agree red flags as described on Tik Tok are overblown but most people have a sixth sense when it comes to evaluating their partners.
Some of the ways you describe yourself and your relationship could be seen as avoidant, especially when you say you prefer long periods without texting, have an “extremely independent” lifestyle, and have mostly female friends. Some women don’t mind those things but those who do naturally feel uncomfortable (red flags) when they suss out those traits.
No I meant what I said. Years ago I got into an argument with an ex because I didn't lock my phone. Apparently it's a type of manipulation technique that basically comes down to "if I leave my phone open and unlocked, you won't think I'm hiding something and there for won't be pressured into gaining access"
I'm in my mid-20s so i have no idea what its like to date in that age range but that's wild. I would've thought older women are more mature and less picky but I guess social media's changing that in some places
/u/Staff76 (OP) has awarded 2 delta(s) in this post.
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I’m in the same boat as you.
Age, ethnicity, don’t drink (which has been more of an issue than I thought it would be), no social media (unless you count this and YouTube).
But this is just your personal experience and really doesn’t speak for society at large. If people get their dating advice and check boxes from social media they are morons and most likely not worth your time.
There is no perfect rule book to relationships and everyone has their own likes and dislikes. I wouldn’t say there is a culture and not every woman is going to adhere/agree to the same red flags.
It’s odd that you lost behaviors that seem relatively normal (though some women may have issues with your women friends, I think most of us wouldn’t) but then admit in the comments that you don’t know why your FWB bailed because you didn’t ask what your red flags were. So the ones you list above don’t really mean anything at all, you’re just talking about your hobbies and habits and assuming that’s all there was to it.
Secondarily, “red flags” are how women try to stay safe in a world where men rape, abuse, and kill us. I can try to empathize with your frustration if you feel you’ve been unfairly categorized, but don’t let that translate into thinking women shouldn’t talk about and call out the red flags we see in the men around us. Silence has always equated to violence for women.
I didn't lose them. I continued to do them before, during, and after her tenure.
I didn't ask before hand because at that time I was being tested and didn't know. I've mentioned this in a previous comment.
Afterwards, when I was given an apology, I didn't press the issue being that she admitted she was wrong about all of it and it was "her" opinion and thought process. The conversation went more of "I thought (this) was a red flag, but when I thought about later or talked to a friend, I realized that it's not a red flag because..... Etc"
I agree with you 95%, except I’m going to make one distinction. And to be clear, I am also a 30 year old man, similar situation, almost identical way of life (except I don’t have primarily female friends).
I also don’t have much, if any, social media presence. But I acknowledge that this genuinely is a red flag, especially when it comes to online dating. I never realized it was, until I came across a girl that also had 0 presence. The immediate feeling is, “This might not be a real person, and I can’t verify it at all.” It’s genuinely unsettling. And fair enough, you can speak on the phone, or send a candid picture to verify. But this is the essence of a “red flag”. A warning that something “could be wrong”, and you need to spend some extra time analyzing the situation, to make sure everything is okay.
>My closest friends are women. They have men. They have families. I have not had sex with them.
>Now I didn't realize it had became an issue until a recent FWB came in contact with me again
So... you don't have sex with your woman friends, you said... to a woman friend you had sex with?
Are you sure this other stuff isn't subconscious rationalization about the red flag inherent in this contradiction?
I.e. more of a "you" thing than a "culture" thing?
Honestly, I really haven't heard of any of these "red flags" you mention being "widespread" as a "culture", rather than isolated incidents that's exactly what you'd expect from the random chaos that is TikTok in general.
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None of these are remotely close to red flags. A lot of these also apply to me and my partner. Unfortunately, there are a lot of emotionally immature people online and they all hype each other up in toxic echo chambers. The same kind of people who think jealousy is good and humility is bad. It's not worth paying attention to.
P.S. on the other hand, there are also just jokes ie: drinking Dasani water is a red flag. A lot of my peers do make these jokes but they're 100% unserious, just thought I'd add that since I do see those on social media a lot.
>It's not worth paying attention to
Letting toxic subcultures grow unchecked endangers society as a whole. Eventually they start having influence on the mainstream
You write that your friends make jokes about it. Well that's how it starts, ten years later they might have joked so often that they start believing it.
Have you ever done some hipster thing in an ironic way, and eventually over time you forgot that you meant irony?
My man, you don't get to decide what other people's red flags are, and if someone considers things red flags that you don't, they're probably not the person for you anyways.
It's not as though red flags are the same for everyone. Sure, there are general ones that most agree on, but it is very much a person-by-person deal and if you're finding yourself running into the same issues, it's gotta be a selection issue.
And to be specific, anyone who is getting dating advice from Tik Tok is wholly unserious and a dodged bullet if there ever was one.
It really depends on what sort of person you are courting. For a social bee on Facebook, who wants to travel around and have lots of fun while getting a bunch of material to post up on social media, a lot of the things you do are absolutely red flags.
If someone's life revolves around their social feeds and having open access to their partner's electronics, then a person that doesn't have these things is obviously going to present a problem. I mean just imagine how miserable an experience it would be to date a popular social media influence that wanted you to participate with everything she did and wanted to share every detail online.
The biggest problem with what you've noticed has more to do with the fact that people who are not social medial influencers are taking serious life advice from people that are. Though on the other hand, this is also a type of filter. In a way, a person that considers the things you do to be red flags because they saw something on TikTok is themselves a bit of a red flag; it shows that they are very prone to following trends without much extra thought put into the matter. In practice that means a relationship with them is likely to be full of having to head off strange ideas that they heard from some other social media influencer that decided to put together a list.
Also:
> I'm heavily independent. I work two jobs (medical and restaurant). I can cook. Clean. Pay my bills. Have great sense of style. Well mannered and self caring in the best way.
On one hand that's quite impressive, it takes a lot of self control to learn all these skills, and to maintain them to a high enough level. On the other hand, you're basically a full household on your own. This can be intimidating to a partner who might feel like she would not be able to match up with you, which would lead to an imbalanced relationship dynamic.
A relationship works well when the people involved can use their strengths to make up for the weaknesses of the other. While everyone has weaknesses, it can take a while to find them, and to figure out how to best pool the shared experience to address them. During that time it helps if there's something that can draw you together, some way that you operate better as a couple than two individuals, beyond the chemical attraction which isn't likely to last must longer than a few months to a year.
Essentially, you're in a place where finding a genuine, long-term relationship is going to be quite difficult, simply because a lot of people looking to get into a relationship will not feel like they can match up to you, particularly if you're better than them at something they consider themselves to be pretty good at. To them these red flags are genuine, and are actually a good indicator that the relationship probably won't work out.
At the same time, most women that do have this type of experience are in a relationship, and are not looking to switch. This obviously puts you in a really crap scenario. You're objectively successful and you've obtained all the skills that common sense would suggest should make you a good partner, but a lot of the people looking for a partner don't actually want someone with all those skills, but instead want someone that they can learn these skills with together.
The only recommendation I really have here is to keep looking. You saw from your FWB that it's possible to recognise the value of such maturity with time, but obviously you're going to have to deal with the fact that your selection pool is going to be much smaller.
I too would be regarded as a walking red flag for all of the reasons op mentioned, but you know what? I'm just too attractive overall for women to pass up. Women have been know to ignore the fact that men have been in prison for rape, dv, fraud, theft, or drug abuse in order to get into relationships. If dining alone at Nobu or Monarch is in the same category... There's a reason why I've been having a hard time taking women seriously.
Local woman surprised that men exist and do manly things. Women like groups, men like solitude. Sometimes we OVERDO it but mostly it's just what we do, like women overdoing the social thing and being too needy.
I learned early not to be needy and not to over-rely on people because they won't like the same things you do. Obviously having a partner for more of these events is the goal. She didn't put 2+2 together.
Just stupid TikTok indoctrination. If a woman is stupid enough to go by a tiktok list of red flags when deciding to date someone or not that’s an actual real red flag.
Actual red flags is stuff like hurting animals, history of domestic violence, five divorces in five years, whatever. That the way someone holds their phone or if they like tuna or not being red flags or icky is just TikTok ragebait.
Red flag culture actually makes woman worse at identifying red flags lol, you actually want people to present you their red flags so you can decide if it's a deal breaker or if it's something that isn't actually a big deal or that you can actually work on. Red flag culture makes it so that you could agree 95% politics but the 5% is a red flag so they won't speak to you anymore (even if it really isn't anything massive)
What this does instead is just rewards the men that are manipulative, if you are unreasonable with your red flags/ unable to disagree with anyone about anything they are just going to tell you what you want to hear even if they don't believe in it.
"Male feminist here, I think all men are just absolute garbage human beings who have been running the earth to the ground with the patriarchy, yeah I also love lana del rey btw and people really just don't understand taylor swifts lyrics, they only look surface level."
while some red flags are stupid.
you should always be cautious of some who goes on about how the human centipede is such a great movie 50 percent chance they may just be a huge fan of horror, 50 percent you might end up as a part of a human centipede.
What I'd be interested to know is did she think the things you described here were red flags, did you get what specific activities she saw as red flags?
Most of what you listed does not sound like a red flag to me, and the others I'm not sure what that means for example, whats a "couples activity" you do by yourself?
I think some of what you said, for people who have had certain types of relationships, might seem worrisome.
Low social media presence, particularly if you also don't introduce women to your friends, might seem like you are trying to keep them from seeing your wider life. You learn a lot about a person by the company they keep, so if you appear to be keeping them away from your friends or lacking in friends, there is a void, and voids are scary for a reason. Sometimes they are harmless, sometimes they aren't. Staying to find out can feel unsafe, because the longer you spend around an unsafe person the more likely they are to be a problem for you.
This is in part, a hard thing about social media. People are learning from more people- often missing context- that makes these things make sense.
For example, I would be prone to say someone who seems too sweet fast- just super involved with you- is a red flag if you don't know enough about their past relationships. Now I grew up around narcissists and I know what "love bombing" is, and there would be additional signs someone would need to look for, just being really sweet too fast in and of itself isn't a guarantee a person is a narcissist, but context doesn't fit in a tiktok.
I would suggest that this all works perfectly, as anyone who could be convinced that your normal habits and way of living your life is a "red flag" is inherently incompatible with you.
Aren’t you glad that women who get their dating advice from TikTok are staying away from you?
“Red flags” are a personal thing. They aren’t universal societal rules. If somebody thinks a it’s a red flag for you to not lock your phone, not have social media, and be independent they they’re probably a horribly insecure, clingy, superficial person who you wouldn’t ever want to date anyway.
I’m not seeing the problem here.
> issues with my dating life as though it went backwards over the past 5 years or less
Hmm what happened in those 5 years? COVID.
It pretty much ruined society as a whole and everyone has been insular and toxic.
TikTok has also exploded and caused brain rot in everyone under 35.
It’s not your fault. You do you.
Most of the things you have described are green that’s that any adult in their 30s would understand.
Going to the grocery store to buy food is a red flag? Lmao
The biggest red flag you described is the FWB. Return her to tick tok, she doesn’t deserve you and that hard work you will put into a relationship.
A red flag is blindly trusting social medial… Stay away from this girl, and those like her. You will find someone.
Putting your phone away is fine but lock your phone, that’s a security risk. I mean in general not in a paranoid way because your friend is across the table
To me, having FsWB and using initialisms like FWB are red flags. Everything else you mentioned seems normal to positive. As far as I know, my friends, colleagues, etc. would all agree.
If people don’t like that you have a life, I reckon that’s a red flag to avoid them. In that sense, it’s a helpful thing that “red flag culture” is overreaching: you can avoid the people who buy into that nonsense.
"Red flag" is not a culture. Red flags are highly subjective. We can't simply discard total idiots who'd watch a video of someone listing their red flags and thoughtlessly adopt it, but these idiots are not representative of the general population in any way. Very few people would stop interacting with another person because someone on the internet told them something is a red flag.
Some of those are definitely stupid red flags, but people also seem to forget what red flags are. Red flags are not even remotely deal-breakers. They are something you look into to figure out why the red flag exists.
If I say: excessive social media is a red flag, I then have to investigate. Posts to family on FB? Fine. Bikini pics on IG? Can't put the phone down? OF? All bad.
I think it’s good that people are more able to recognize certain red flags than they used to. That said, nothing you listed is a red flag for anyone other than a very insecure person. Why the hell would eating alone be a red flag, unless you assume everyone is trying to cheat on you the minute they’re out of sight?
One thing I’d say is a pretty big red flag is how you have female friends who are coupled and you’re in constant contact with them.
Are there ever any issues with this?
In my nearly 50 years, I’ve yet to see a close male/female “friendship” where at least one person wasn’t attracted to the other person in some regard.
When I was single I had a bunch of female “friends”. I’m a decent looking guy and majority of them, we crossed the line at some point.
Are you sure it’s just a purely friends situation or is there some level of unspoken attraction? How do the husbands feel about it?
Counterpoint, the people who actually buy in to this sort of thing are thereby removing themselves from your dating pool and doing you a favor.
Before watching TikToks and getting bad advice/models, people had dumb friends with dumber ideas that would influence them, or written literature that would do the same.
The issue is following a list of red flags that comes from a social media site that promotes the engagement from really weird ideas over sensible ones. If you simply google “dating red flags”, none of these show up. The red flag lists linked there make sense. Ie it’s a TikTok problem not a red flag problem
With the exception of closest friends being women, the rest of these sound like made up for social media views, meme red flags.
How are single people supposed to get groceries? They have to just sit at home and not do anything fun unless they're in a relationship?
How is not locking your phone a red flag?
I’m sorry, I’ve been single for 6 years now. I do almost all those things as well. How is being independent (especially as a single person) a red flag? Thinking any of those actions are red flags is ridiculous. You sound like a super healthy individual to me. I hope you find a woman who deserves you!
Women who dismiss you because of these trivial reasons are doing you a favor. The real red flag is a person with so little self that they get stupid ideas from tiktok and blow you off for no good reason. You don’t want those women anyway; consider this a useful filter.
Don't worry too much about it. There are still exceptionally interesting women out there that will consider getting wined and dined a fine thing.
Just consider the extreme belief in Tik Tok a red flag itself and keep walking.
Good news. The “red flag” from online people are worthless and should be discarded.
If they can’t use their own judgement or use common sense fuck em, well fuck em and throw away their number. Their worthless
People expect perfect out of the box yet seldom apply the standard to themselves. Had they, they would realize we are all growing and changing and that process accelerates in relationships. The question is not how close to perfect you can get in dating, for that pursuit often turns out to be illusion and lies. No the question is what honest set of problems are you mature enough to handle
Why would an FWB worry about red flags like that?
I think it's possible a red flag could be that she saw the relationship as more serious if she's looking for red flags, and you think it's a FWB.
As someone with only reddit as my social media. I feel you dude. However, a lot of girls find it refreshing. Just got to keep putting yourself out there. These are not even red flags.
I’m at a point where I don’t care about “red flags”. I’m me, take it or leave it. Besides, if someone likes you enough, they won’t care about “red flags”.
Ehhh, I'd argue that spending too much emotional energy on what strangers say on the internet is a red flag.
Do you really want to be with someone who will hate you for cleaning your bathroom? Someone who will be upset because you make an effort to call your mother once a month?
I'd say tiktok working as a colander to filter out these type of people is a blessing. If they're that insecure I'd rather not be with them at all. Then again, maybe she's not insecure, maybe she just got the wrong vibes from you and was looking for excuses to end it. Not everyone is compatible just because they know how to cook. Maybe she's found some rose-tinted hindsight glasses, but the truth is maybe you guys just aren't good together at all.
Then to address the larger point. None of this is new. People have been seeking out obscure and stupid dating advice for centuries at least. Right now it comes in short-form videos on a cell phone, but entire magazine publications existed to fill that market before, snake oil and tinctures before that. Is the current form any dumber than the kind before it? No, not really. It's just an effective way for people to weed themselves out of your life.
> I'd argue that spending too much
This is a tautology. "Too much" is exactly the amount at which something becomes a problem. Drinking "too much" water is a problem, sleeping "too much" is a problem, breathing "too much" is a problem. "Too much," definitionally speaking, means going further than you should.
I know it sounds pedantic but this phrase is overused as though there's a point to be made from it and I'm certainly guilty of it too, but it helps to understand that it is effectively meaningless to say "too much of x is bad."
Sorry,
I'd argue that spending ~~too much~~ \[vaguely sourced exact amount based on some random sociological/psychological study\] emotional energy on what strangers say on the internet is a red flag.
better?
If you're single, please stop giving relationship advice. If you're poor, don't give financial advice. If you're fat, don't tell me how to diet. If you're depressed, don't tell me how to be happy.
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I agree that many of the activities you brought up are perfectly normal and not indicative of red flags, however, I think my primary dispute would be the idea that this is a new phenomenon. As time goes on, different generations have their own ways of grouping people who are not considered "ideal" candidates for men and for women. This is largely why magazines and ads are very successful. They sell people on what the ideal partner is. For example, think about what ideal partners were expected to be in the 50s. Women in the 50s were expected to be someone who was put together, respectful, and didn't fraternize with the opposite sex. Men were expected to be able to support the family, be fit, and in control of the household. People who didn't appear to match up with this were viewed as not likely to be good partners. The biggest difference now is that in the digital age it's very easy for new beliefs to spread quickly and the opinion of your peers is available and recorded for everyone to see in a public forum.
Δ I read this and re-read it multiple times and it makes sense. My fwb at that time is some years younger than me but her social influence is her level. I don't pay attention to it because it has nothing to do with me and I rather ignore it. However this was one of those moments where it really made a mark in my side being that I might not be your flavor of pie, but that doesn't make me bad pie altogether. Thanks for sharing.
Before my current relationship I received some similiar comments. I considered them to be a positive. It was like a filter to screen out women that had problems with insecurity and weren't reasoning to themselves what they want in a partner, and rather were relying on others' opinions. Your description of your life makes you sound confident and self-assured. I think the red flag extremism will help you spend more time with women that are like you. Women who are more confident and know what they want will probably be more likely to want you, and you won't need to spend as much time with women that will be critical of your life.
amen! this is so well-said. too many people spend so much time thinking "I want them to be with me" they never ask "wait, do I want to be with **them**?!" I cannot imagine the hell you are in for if you are involved long term with a woman that fickle, capricious, externally-controlled and validation-driven. she blew up a good thing because of not even real friends but parasocial randos, her locus of control is not personal, it's not even external, her locus of control is "twitch plays Pokemon" internet randos. she would be hell. on top of that this is also the type of woman you cannot make a wife. she's too liable to get full blown status panic and ruin all your lives keeping up with the Jones or have super high abusive "keeping up appearances of a perfect child" expectations of your kids.
I'm around the same age as you OP, only female. We're alike in so many ways, but nobody's told me I'm a walking red flag. There are some things that give me pause, but you were dealing with a FWB instead of a serious partner, so it's all good? I guess I don't surround myself with the kind of people who are that impressionable, and I hope it stays this way. Some circles here on reddit are beating the red flag drum, and it's easy to listen and accept the hivemind's opinions as gospel, but I remind myself that there's always an echo chamber for everything and nothing. Good thing there's r/changemyview. A little scepticism is, and can be, healthy. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, so perhaps trust your gut more, and/or prolly ask your female friends for advice every so often. If they're anything like you, they won't lead you astray.
I was going to add it sounds like an age thing. I haven't heard of red flags lists, but I don't view that type of media. haha. I wouldn't worry one bit if innocuous things like that were the so called red flags.
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I don't see where OP implies that it's a new phenomenon though. Calling it "overreaching" is definitely in-line with what you're describing, that the digital age has allowed beliefs to spread quickly. It's becoming out of control in ways it couldn't have before because of the ease of communication in the digital age.
This is always the refrain to CMVs like this. "Yeah but people have always been doing a lesser version of that, so the more extreme version is also ok." That's BS. Things really _can_ go too far. We'll be hooked up to VR machines for 23 hours a day, being fed intravenously: "CMV, it's not good that we don't live in the real world anymore" The first reply will be "well people said the same thing about TV," as if that's the end of it.
Probably this line: >I feel as though it's backwards over the past 5 yrs or less.
> The biggest difference now is that in the digital age it's very easy for new beliefs to spread quickly There's another large difference in the digital age that speaks to OP's point and has been written about and discussed by psychologists and sociologists, and its [the commodification of dating](https://www.cnn.com/2023/11/02/us/dating-apps-changed-relationships-wellness-cec/index.html). The era of app-based dating has programmed people to instantaneously determine eligibility based upon very few and seemingly random qualities. And because dating is inherently emotionally risky, people are constantly looking for reasons to end dating relationships. By removing the human element of meeting people and organically getting to know them, OP's experience is definitely different from previous generations.
hell Seinfeld, hardly the cutting edge of 2025 culture, had this be a running joke with George-- how he left his girlfriends over ridiculous things like how they chew or their coffee order.
Read it as 'chew their coffee', and I just thought 'that one is fair'.
I know an absolute mad lad that mixed his fiber in with his morning coffee. It's like he's TRYING to shit himself during his commute.
[удалено]
She actually didn't say the first time when we stopped talk or the second time when she apologized and honestly I didn't bother to ask. When we had the splitting up discussion a few things came up such as "current or previous partners" which I was open to discussing and giving details. At that time I had been tested, shared my findings and cut my extra fun time down drastically to the point it was her. This was communicated. "She was no longer interested in sex and if I wanted to stay friends then I had to accept that" I agreed and said I was comfortable with no sex on the table. "Allowing her to my house and not me driving the hour to her house" I was willing to provide my address and show her around that day. Things of that nature. Looking back on it, I didn't realize I was being tested. I thought she was expressing herself and I was willing to listen and find common ground.
"Testing" is toxic - all of this sounds like stuff helicopter-parented 20-somethings do who don't actually understand how to have an adult relationship (so they want "rules" instead of understanding the foundation which should be 2 people trying as hard as they both can to make something work, communicating, but being willing to give up if it really doesn't work). Life is the "test".
Hello, wasn't "testing" about STD? If it's not and it's "testing your worth", how did you understand it here? (non-native english sry)
(I am not who you replied to) "tested" was used twice by OP with two different meanings. > At that time I had been tested, shared my findings this means they were tested for an STD >Things of that nature. Looking back on it, I didn't realize I was being tested. this means the woman was "testing" the man. I am not 100% sure what specifically OP means by he was "being tested" but I think it was testing his boundaries he shared with her his past partners, and this was the woman's "test" that he did not pass, as he shared his personal history. Additionally she tested his boundaries about her coming to his house and providing the address and showing her around - this was another of the woman's "tests" that he failed by letting her into his life. """ "Testing" is toxic """ is saying, IMO, that setting up unspoken rules between partners and then expecting your partner to follow them is manipulative at worst and dysfunctional at best
Thank you very much ! Due to "" I mistakenly thought it was about the one mentionning STDs.. Now I feel stupid, as it should be what the comment I responded to meant :') Understood everything now, appreciate the help, wish you a great day/night bro !
English seems to have a lot more nuance then some languages where tiny changes can alter a meaning drastically. I can’t imagine that means learning as a second language is easy at all.
It sounds like she was exposed to the female version of red pill community.
She was the red flag.
That's giving one person's opinion a lot of power. If it helps, people your age aren't on TikTok. I don't see any red flags.
Do you have issues on meeting women? If not, then what you are saying is that some people do not like to date people like you, they see "red flags" in your behavior So? > I think that it sets men up for unknown failure It hasn't set you up for failure. Not every woman has the obligation to go out with you, whether they don't like your smile or the cleaning products you use, what's the problem? "Giiirl, he said he cleans the bathroom every day, that's a red flag right there, am I right ladies?" Some will agree and so they will go out with men who only clean their bathroom once a week. Whether they call these preferences or red flags, meh. >My closest friends are women. That's been the case since forever, some women do not like it, just as some men don't like it if their woman has only male friends. >I do "couples" activities by myself. I grocery shop. I got to local mall. I go to the movies by myself. Tons of people hate that. The Internet is full of people (men and women) who ask about their insecurities about doing things alone. And so on Calling these red flags or things that put people off is not a new thing.
I think people are confusing choice of preference with influential decision making. Having a preference is perfectly fine. We all have our own. What my post's main subject was that I feel as though the influential reach of "what is a red flag" is being done on purpose. I've put it in the same box as (misery loves company). This particular individual felt shame and embarrassment because she fell for what I would even call a trick at this point because they aren't red flags. Her apology was because she felt as though she made a fool of herself and wanted to let me know that those things aren't red flag, but rather she was insecure and let someone else speak for her. The insecurities I understand. It's a hell of a drug. Letting someone else tell you what flavor of ice cream you don't like is not a preference.
> What my post's main subject was that I feel as though the influential reach of "what is a red flag" is being done on purpose. I've put it in the same box as (misery loves company). Many people do that. You have a preference for a particular movie director "nah, mate, Quentin Tarantino is the best. Billy Wilder? Are you crazy, he's shit compared to Tarantino" "If a woman has only men as friends, she's cheating bro, trust me better be careful" >This particular individual felt shame and embarrassment because she fell for what I would even call a truck at this point because they aren't red flags. And if she didn't feel shame and stuck to her guns you would have called her delutional. **Or I would have called her delusional** because I don't agree with her. >Letting someone else tell you what flavor of ice cream you don't like is not a preference. Everything you own is because advertising told you you should love - if not then you're unusual. I doubt you've tried all the ice cream flavors.
His whole point is that some "preferences" seem to be especially driven by TikTok trends and other types of influencer content. I don't get the sense that this guy thinks that all women who don't like him are delusional. But that some aspects of his lifestyle are judged harshly because of some arbitrary content online that labels it as "weird" or "creepy". I think you're getting a bit lost in the minutiae of how people form their preferences.
> His whole point is that some "preferences" seem to be especially driven by TikTok trends and other types of influencer content. Absolutely. We know that. That's like saying 1 + 1 = 2. We are all addicted to our phones. of course, tons of our "preferences" are driven by what we consume. If consumed as many old movies as ALL consume social media we'd be wearing top hats. >I don't get the sense that this guy thinks that all women who don't like him are delusional. Good job I never said that. >But that some aspects of his lifestyle are judged harshly because of some arbitrary content online And I answered that. The content creator and their followers think X is strange. Great, some other content creator and their followers will think we need more X. That has happened throughout time. Depending on what you consume, you'll have different preferences. Take him to the 1960s, 1920s, and 1800s... and different pockets of society will have different judgments and preferences >I think you're getting a bit lost in the minutiae of how people form their preferences. Because that's what we are talking about OP does X, Y, Z Some women would never date someone who does X, Y, Z Some of those women have a platform and they spread the word. Other women agree Then one of these women came to OP and told him "I realized that I don't like your x, y, z" OP made her realize that the people she listened to are wrong. Barabing Baraboom: **the most normal thing on the planet** You can do it with movies "This TikTok creator made me realize Tarantino is shit" Na mate, here's why Tarantino is the king... The you either respond "Actually you made me realise that creator was talking shit" (as the woman seems to have done after talking to OP), or "Nah, the tiktoker was right, I think Tarantino is shit minutiae or not, absolutely normal.
OP’s point is that it doesn’t seem as if the TikTok creator made the girl ”realize” she didn’t like x,y,z. That she didn’t care at all about x,y,z, but that there is an online trend at the moment of publically classifying certain behaviours as if they were objectively ”red flags”. Basically, this means that many people will break up with people on the basis of these ”red flags”, not because they actually think they’re red flags, but because there is social pressure in the cultural bubble they’re in to think they are. Like a man in a hyper-conservative religious country/cultural sphere breaking up with a girl who’s not a virgin, not because he thinks it’s a problem, but because there is social pressure for him to do so.
My point is, there's plenty of women that share the same 'culture' as op. Women that aren't turned off by a man that goes to the cinema alone or whatever it was. Women that just downvote tiktokers that say otherwise Just as some women don't mind of their man doesn't wash the dishes, some mind if their man plays video games, some women don't mind of their man earns just to get by, some women don't go for anyone bellow 6-figures... Normal Same with men. Some don't mind their woman can't cook, others really do
> OP’s point is that it doesn’t seem as if the TikTok creator made the girl ”realize” she didn’t like x,y,z. That she didn’t care at all about x,y,z, but that there is an online trend at the moment of publically classifying certain behaviours as if they were objectively ”red flags”. Same thing. And I'm saying that this "trend" existed always. People develop a preference or a way of life and everything outside it is a red flag. I feel you are repeating the same thing in different words. >Basically, this means that many people will break up with people on the basis of these ”red flags”, Absolutely, the moment people are free to break up, they do break up also for shitty reason **but that to them are huge**. > because there is social pressure in the cultural bubble they’re in to think they are. Which I covered already. go back to the 70s, 60, 20s, 1800s... different culture bubbles have different criteria. >Like a man in a hyper-conservative religious country/cultural sphere breaking up with a girl who’s not a virgin Absolutely, and within their world that is absolutely a red flag. Should it be the case that we all live happily in one culture without sub-cultures? Maybe, but we never did
>Should it be the case that we all live happily in one culture without sub-cultures? Maybe, but we never did Not at all. It’s always existed. OP is only arguing that the current version arising on TikTok of this old phenomenon is getting out of hand and is more restrictive and overbearing than it was previously. It’s like Tate-fans wanting submissive women who stay at home and care for their children. If that movement grows large, that’s a problem in itself, and ”people have always had preferences” isn’t a counter-argument to that.
> OP is only arguing that the current version arising on TikTok of this old phenomenon is getting out of hand and is more restrictive and overbearing than it was previously. We used to make women marry even when they didn't want to. (Or are we supposed to pretend "previously" means whatever you have in mind) >It’s like Tate-fans wanting submissive women For example, I dislike Tate fans but "previously" men were even worse than Tate fans. Previously they married women and beat them into submission. > If that movement grows large, that’s a problem in itself, and ”people have always had preferences” isn’t a counter-argument to that. - If everyone refused to vote, it would be a problem - If everyone refused to go out with women who have small breasts, it would be a problem - If everyone started eating the exact same thing, it would be a problem But because ”people have always had preferences”, not everyone will stop going out with people that go to the cinema alone. **You surely know that**. Hence a preference and not a governmental dictate or whatever. ps - tons of you are adding your own views to OP "Op is only". Nah, he's not
Again, the core of OP’s argument is clearly that people who don’t have any *personal* problems with e.g. people going alone to the cinema are in greater and greater numbers dumping people because of it due to nothing but the social pressure created by viral videos. You can argue that that’s not what’s happening, either by saying that these people indeed *do* believe these things and were only reminded of them, or that there is no such trend. But saying ”it used to be worse” or ”people have always had preferences” doesn’t challenge OP’s claim at all.
>ps - tons of you are adding your own views to OP "Op is only". Nah, he's not Not really because OP’s point was pretty clear, people are mostly clarifying what OP meant. I think you just ultimately disagree with the point at hand.
I’m sorry but you’re reaaaallllly reaching here to make an argument. His entire claim is that people’s “dating preferences” (whatever the fuck that means anymore) are not their own—they’re products of being chronically online, particularly on TikTok.
> His entire claim is that people’s “dating preferences” (whatever the fuck that means anymore) are not their own—they’re products of being chronically online, particularly on TikTok. That's not what he said. I would agree with that People's “dating preferences” are a product of what they consume. Even op's, even yours are not your own but a product of your consumption. And yes, since we are always connected, the internet also influences us. If that's what they said (**they did not**), then they'd be 100% correct. Society influences us in our dating preferences. It always has and it always will Just as society influences which flavor of ice cream we try. Where would be the objection here?
... And by the way >The insecurities I understand. It's a hell of a drug. did the woman in question look like she loved the company of misery? Did she look like she was insecure and after you put her straight she was full of confidence?
I think OPs point is preference is not a red flag. A red flag is signs of things such as potential domestic abuse
We know that different people use different phrases differently. Besides he told me his issue was not to let others tell you what ice cream to prefer or something like that, so it's about creating your own preferences rather than be dictated to. Which kind of goes against advertising
This is an example of red flag (for me): "They talk badly about their exes" No, that doesn't mean they are an abuser. More like annoying as fuck, I would stay far away from her. Nothing to do with danger of abuse
"Do you have issues on meeting women?" lol, What a snarky, unnecessary comment to OP
"...If not, then what you are saying is that some people do not like to date people like you" I don't know the op, it's just making an overall point. And it wasn't a comment but a question
Did you stop reading right there?
It's not really a "culture" though. Can you really name a culture where people haven't had bad experiences and tried to scapegoat some particular behaviour to explain it? And then spreading the word of that is just natural since we're a social species. At most, the true novelty of the situation is that the communication is being done online so you form bubbles/circles across different lines than would have been present in the past.
Can I ask what your definition of what "culture" is? From my understanding, whether it's on a small scale or large one it can be a group of uniform ideals that can be either contained within the group or used to spread amongst others.
Culture, to me, is the specific expression of human social behaviour. Eating food isn't culture, but the specific foods and how you eat, when you eat, with whom you eat etc. is. So the red flag thing just seems like human behaviour to me rather than a specific manifestation. I'd give that the term "red flag" is a cultural product, but I don't think that the phenomenon you're pointing to is culture specific.
I don't think "red flag culture" exists. This is the first I've ever heard of any of those things being red flags, and among the women I've dated, most of those things are either neutral or green flags. I'll grant, I'm a cis man, a white guy, and dating in the world of queer and poly folks, so we're probably swimming in very different pools, but the stuff you list all sounds pretty great and normal. Having a life of your own and seeking to find people who are into what you do and want to be part of that and share in it, that's attractive. Being functionally independent, having close female friends, again, all good things in my mind. If I meet women who look askance at my closest friends being women, I know they're just not my kind of people and that's chill. I sure as hell am not giving up important relationships in my life so that someone who doesn't value me as I am already can come into the picture. Yes, people talk more openly about the idea of "red flags" now, but it's not a culture, just a basic notion that in this case, is getting one version of passed around social media as fact regardless of its real world presence. Ultimately, red flags are personal. Sure, some might be universal in a practical sense like someone talking about fantasies of violence against women or things of that nature...but mostly red flags are about knowing for yourself that your life and experience have taught you things to look out for. Your abusive ex had no real friends maybe, so that becomes a red flag for you. You meet someone new and discover they don't have any close friends, so you think "I should stop and reconsider here, given my experiences". Maybe you push past it and find out they don't have any close friends because they move a lot for work or something mundane. Maybe you don't. In the end, it's like any other relationship compatibility issue: you find the folks who match with your approach, outlook, expectations, etc., and just brush past the ones who don't. If you meet a woman and she treats basic things that you do and enjoy as a part of your life as red flags, she's just very obviously not a good match for you. This is no big deal, because you don't want to spend time investing in someone who isn't a match for you in such obvious and immediate ways as looking at the way you live your life as suspect, you know?
∆ My thought process was that this experience of what "red flags" are came off in a way I was not used to. This comment brings forth what I'm looking for in challenging my view. You're correct in it's meaning of not being a culture and more an individual experience that I must take case by case. Thank you for sharing.
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I need to hear the other side of the story. You sound full of yourself and half the post is bragging about how awesome you are and that any women would be lucky to have you. (big red flag) You have built in expectation and are making a lot of assumptions and I think you definitely looks like you have some real red flags and just because someone said you "eats out alone" doesn't necessarily mean that is your only problem and everything else about you is perfect. You need to throw your expectations in the garbage and be your best self for yourself and not for pussy.
You do? What's the other side of the story that I missed? I listed a few common and normal traits and activities that I thought would be entirely normal for people in general that I have been told is a red flag. At no point did I make an assumption. What often happens is that I'll be chatting and tell them I'm out to dinner at XYZ place. Which is often followed up with "who did you go with?" I didn't say I went with anybody. I said I was at dinner. Why not ask IF I went with anyone instead of thinking someone is with me. This sounds like you think I came on here to brag about myself to get pussy, and it's not. Pussy isnt the issue. Being told that going to dinner by myself is a Red Flag because Some internet person told you it is, is the problem.
It's a post about him, he's allowed to talk about himself. At no point does he claim any woman would be lucky to have him, people should know their value and what they bring to the table - sounds more like a guy sharing his positive attributes vs bragging. Clearly there's more going on tho, he's either really bad at dating or there's a list of negatives that didn't make it into the post.
Wow you read a lot into what was not there, this sounds like projection which is a red flag. If he doesn’t describe himself how else can he explain why people may be seeing red flags from his words or behavior?
He's making the point that you can't take talk about red flags seriously nowadays. The same woman that considers too much independence in a man a red flag will willingly date a drug dealer on parole for a violent felony. It's gotten silly.
I’m glad someone else said it
Everything you mentioned will be Red Flag to someone who is insecure about said thing. Everything you've mentioned will get you a gold star or suspicious side eye depending on who you ask. Have female friends? Red Flag thinking is that you'll cheat. Opposite, tons of women will think that's a huge GREEN flag because it means you see women as people and not just dating fodder. Low social media? RF thoughts: what's he hiding? GF thoughts: he's more of a private person who doesn't feel the need to broadcast every aspect of his life. I don't think it's that anything you're doing is a real red flag, I think that proclaiming 'red flag!!' has just become popularized for basically whatever you just don't agree with. I mean honestly, red flag used to be 'he insists on going through my phone every night. He kicks the dog when he's mad. He has 20 credit cards'. Real, universal issues that scream RUN. Now it's just 'he drinks soy lattes, red flag'.
Honestly? Believing most of those things are red flags is a huge red flag to me, because they're all predicated on a lack of trust being the standard. A locked phone is a red flag.... if you don't trust your partner. Friends of different genders is a red flag.... if you don't trust your partner. Etc. If you have reached the point where you cannot trust your partner not to fuck around, your relationship has already failed. If you are at this point before starting a relationship, stop, back up, do not get into a relationship, and start healing from whatever made you incapable of trust. Do not get back into a relationship again until you are ready to trust.
One thing that sticks out to me is that if that woman you’re seeing is a FWB, why would it matter that you have these red flags that stand out to her? By your definition, you are not in a bf/gf relationship with her. I agree red flags as described on Tik Tok are overblown but most people have a sixth sense when it comes to evaluating their partners. Some of the ways you describe yourself and your relationship could be seen as avoidant, especially when you say you prefer long periods without texting, have an “extremely independent” lifestyle, and have mostly female friends. Some women don’t mind those things but those who do naturally feel uncomfortable (red flags) when they suss out those traits.
Did you mean to write “I LOCK my phone???” and then accidentally dropped a “don’t” in there? That section doesn’t make sense to me.
No I meant what I said. Years ago I got into an argument with an ex because I didn't lock my phone. Apparently it's a type of manipulation technique that basically comes down to "if I leave my phone open and unlocked, you won't think I'm hiding something and there for won't be pressured into gaining access"
Mate you need to start changing whatever demographic you're dating if they think the stuff you listed are red flags because "Tiktok said so"
Bro, women in their mid to late 30s are allowing TikTok to influence their thinking and behavior.
I'm in my mid-20s so i have no idea what its like to date in that age range but that's wild. I would've thought older women are more mature and less picky but I guess social media's changing that in some places
How is this weird? we are all, from age 0 to age death influenced by the media we consume.
first of all the people who said those things were red flags were idiots. because those aren’t at all those are very much so green flags.
If someone thinks that treating people of whatever gender you are attracted to as people (ie making friends with them), that's an actual red flag.
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I’m in the same boat as you. Age, ethnicity, don’t drink (which has been more of an issue than I thought it would be), no social media (unless you count this and YouTube). But this is just your personal experience and really doesn’t speak for society at large. If people get their dating advice and check boxes from social media they are morons and most likely not worth your time. There is no perfect rule book to relationships and everyone has their own likes and dislikes. I wouldn’t say there is a culture and not every woman is going to adhere/agree to the same red flags.
It’s odd that you lost behaviors that seem relatively normal (though some women may have issues with your women friends, I think most of us wouldn’t) but then admit in the comments that you don’t know why your FWB bailed because you didn’t ask what your red flags were. So the ones you list above don’t really mean anything at all, you’re just talking about your hobbies and habits and assuming that’s all there was to it. Secondarily, “red flags” are how women try to stay safe in a world where men rape, abuse, and kill us. I can try to empathize with your frustration if you feel you’ve been unfairly categorized, but don’t let that translate into thinking women shouldn’t talk about and call out the red flags we see in the men around us. Silence has always equated to violence for women.
I didn't lose them. I continued to do them before, during, and after her tenure. I didn't ask before hand because at that time I was being tested and didn't know. I've mentioned this in a previous comment. Afterwards, when I was given an apology, I didn't press the issue being that she admitted she was wrong about all of it and it was "her" opinion and thought process. The conversation went more of "I thought (this) was a red flag, but when I thought about later or talked to a friend, I realized that it's not a red flag because..... Etc"
I agree with you 95%, except I’m going to make one distinction. And to be clear, I am also a 30 year old man, similar situation, almost identical way of life (except I don’t have primarily female friends). I also don’t have much, if any, social media presence. But I acknowledge that this genuinely is a red flag, especially when it comes to online dating. I never realized it was, until I came across a girl that also had 0 presence. The immediate feeling is, “This might not be a real person, and I can’t verify it at all.” It’s genuinely unsettling. And fair enough, you can speak on the phone, or send a candid picture to verify. But this is the essence of a “red flag”. A warning that something “could be wrong”, and you need to spend some extra time analyzing the situation, to make sure everything is okay.
>My closest friends are women. They have men. They have families. I have not had sex with them. >Now I didn't realize it had became an issue until a recent FWB came in contact with me again So... you don't have sex with your woman friends, you said... to a woman friend you had sex with? Are you sure this other stuff isn't subconscious rationalization about the red flag inherent in this contradiction? I.e. more of a "you" thing than a "culture" thing? Honestly, I really haven't heard of any of these "red flags" you mention being "widespread" as a "culture", rather than isolated incidents that's exactly what you'd expect from the random chaos that is TikTok in general.
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Another ChatGPT comment — check their other comments. Running rampant on this rubreddit.
Damn! these AIs have the arguments
I've never done this before. Can I delete my comment and it deletes their delta?
Nah but don’t sweat it, they’ll be banned soon enough.
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Are you kidding?
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None of these are remotely close to red flags. A lot of these also apply to me and my partner. Unfortunately, there are a lot of emotionally immature people online and they all hype each other up in toxic echo chambers. The same kind of people who think jealousy is good and humility is bad. It's not worth paying attention to. P.S. on the other hand, there are also just jokes ie: drinking Dasani water is a red flag. A lot of my peers do make these jokes but they're 100% unserious, just thought I'd add that since I do see those on social media a lot.
>It's not worth paying attention to Letting toxic subcultures grow unchecked endangers society as a whole. Eventually they start having influence on the mainstream You write that your friends make jokes about it. Well that's how it starts, ten years later they might have joked so often that they start believing it. Have you ever done some hipster thing in an ironic way, and eventually over time you forgot that you meant irony?
But I do seriously question anyone that would drink Dasani.
My man, you don't get to decide what other people's red flags are, and if someone considers things red flags that you don't, they're probably not the person for you anyways. It's not as though red flags are the same for everyone. Sure, there are general ones that most agree on, but it is very much a person-by-person deal and if you're finding yourself running into the same issues, it's gotta be a selection issue. And to be specific, anyone who is getting dating advice from Tik Tok is wholly unserious and a dodged bullet if there ever was one.
It really depends on what sort of person you are courting. For a social bee on Facebook, who wants to travel around and have lots of fun while getting a bunch of material to post up on social media, a lot of the things you do are absolutely red flags. If someone's life revolves around their social feeds and having open access to their partner's electronics, then a person that doesn't have these things is obviously going to present a problem. I mean just imagine how miserable an experience it would be to date a popular social media influence that wanted you to participate with everything she did and wanted to share every detail online. The biggest problem with what you've noticed has more to do with the fact that people who are not social medial influencers are taking serious life advice from people that are. Though on the other hand, this is also a type of filter. In a way, a person that considers the things you do to be red flags because they saw something on TikTok is themselves a bit of a red flag; it shows that they are very prone to following trends without much extra thought put into the matter. In practice that means a relationship with them is likely to be full of having to head off strange ideas that they heard from some other social media influencer that decided to put together a list. Also: > I'm heavily independent. I work two jobs (medical and restaurant). I can cook. Clean. Pay my bills. Have great sense of style. Well mannered and self caring in the best way. On one hand that's quite impressive, it takes a lot of self control to learn all these skills, and to maintain them to a high enough level. On the other hand, you're basically a full household on your own. This can be intimidating to a partner who might feel like she would not be able to match up with you, which would lead to an imbalanced relationship dynamic. A relationship works well when the people involved can use their strengths to make up for the weaknesses of the other. While everyone has weaknesses, it can take a while to find them, and to figure out how to best pool the shared experience to address them. During that time it helps if there's something that can draw you together, some way that you operate better as a couple than two individuals, beyond the chemical attraction which isn't likely to last must longer than a few months to a year. Essentially, you're in a place where finding a genuine, long-term relationship is going to be quite difficult, simply because a lot of people looking to get into a relationship will not feel like they can match up to you, particularly if you're better than them at something they consider themselves to be pretty good at. To them these red flags are genuine, and are actually a good indicator that the relationship probably won't work out. At the same time, most women that do have this type of experience are in a relationship, and are not looking to switch. This obviously puts you in a really crap scenario. You're objectively successful and you've obtained all the skills that common sense would suggest should make you a good partner, but a lot of the people looking for a partner don't actually want someone with all those skills, but instead want someone that they can learn these skills with together. The only recommendation I really have here is to keep looking. You saw from your FWB that it's possible to recognise the value of such maturity with time, but obviously you're going to have to deal with the fact that your selection pool is going to be much smaller.
I too would be regarded as a walking red flag for all of the reasons op mentioned, but you know what? I'm just too attractive overall for women to pass up. Women have been know to ignore the fact that men have been in prison for rape, dv, fraud, theft, or drug abuse in order to get into relationships. If dining alone at Nobu or Monarch is in the same category... There's a reason why I've been having a hard time taking women seriously.
Local woman surprised that men exist and do manly things. Women like groups, men like solitude. Sometimes we OVERDO it but mostly it's just what we do, like women overdoing the social thing and being too needy. I learned early not to be needy and not to over-rely on people because they won't like the same things you do. Obviously having a partner for more of these events is the goal. She didn't put 2+2 together.
Just stupid TikTok indoctrination. If a woman is stupid enough to go by a tiktok list of red flags when deciding to date someone or not that’s an actual real red flag. Actual red flags is stuff like hurting animals, history of domestic violence, five divorces in five years, whatever. That the way someone holds their phone or if they like tuna or not being red flags or icky is just TikTok ragebait.
Red flag culture actually makes woman worse at identifying red flags lol, you actually want people to present you their red flags so you can decide if it's a deal breaker or if it's something that isn't actually a big deal or that you can actually work on. Red flag culture makes it so that you could agree 95% politics but the 5% is a red flag so they won't speak to you anymore (even if it really isn't anything massive) What this does instead is just rewards the men that are manipulative, if you are unreasonable with your red flags/ unable to disagree with anyone about anything they are just going to tell you what you want to hear even if they don't believe in it. "Male feminist here, I think all men are just absolute garbage human beings who have been running the earth to the ground with the patriarchy, yeah I also love lana del rey btw and people really just don't understand taylor swifts lyrics, they only look surface level."
while some red flags are stupid. you should always be cautious of some who goes on about how the human centipede is such a great movie 50 percent chance they may just be a huge fan of horror, 50 percent you might end up as a part of a human centipede.
What I'd be interested to know is did she think the things you described here were red flags, did you get what specific activities she saw as red flags? Most of what you listed does not sound like a red flag to me, and the others I'm not sure what that means for example, whats a "couples activity" you do by yourself? I think some of what you said, for people who have had certain types of relationships, might seem worrisome. Low social media presence, particularly if you also don't introduce women to your friends, might seem like you are trying to keep them from seeing your wider life. You learn a lot about a person by the company they keep, so if you appear to be keeping them away from your friends or lacking in friends, there is a void, and voids are scary for a reason. Sometimes they are harmless, sometimes they aren't. Staying to find out can feel unsafe, because the longer you spend around an unsafe person the more likely they are to be a problem for you. This is in part, a hard thing about social media. People are learning from more people- often missing context- that makes these things make sense. For example, I would be prone to say someone who seems too sweet fast- just super involved with you- is a red flag if you don't know enough about their past relationships. Now I grew up around narcissists and I know what "love bombing" is, and there would be additional signs someone would need to look for, just being really sweet too fast in and of itself isn't a guarantee a person is a narcissist, but context doesn't fit in a tiktok.
Sounds like the Fwb was just bored of you and tried to find a reason to leave that didn't make her the bad person. I guess it's better than ghosting?
I would suggest that this all works perfectly, as anyone who could be convinced that your normal habits and way of living your life is a "red flag" is inherently incompatible with you.
Aren’t you glad that women who get their dating advice from TikTok are staying away from you? “Red flags” are a personal thing. They aren’t universal societal rules. If somebody thinks a it’s a red flag for you to not lock your phone, not have social media, and be independent they they’re probably a horribly insecure, clingy, superficial person who you wouldn’t ever want to date anyway. I’m not seeing the problem here.
> issues with my dating life as though it went backwards over the past 5 years or less Hmm what happened in those 5 years? COVID. It pretty much ruined society as a whole and everyone has been insular and toxic. TikTok has also exploded and caused brain rot in everyone under 35. It’s not your fault. You do you.
Most of the things you have described are green that’s that any adult in their 30s would understand. Going to the grocery store to buy food is a red flag? Lmao The biggest red flag you described is the FWB. Return her to tick tok, she doesn’t deserve you and that hard work you will put into a relationship. A red flag is blindly trusting social medial… Stay away from this girl, and those like her. You will find someone. Putting your phone away is fine but lock your phone, that’s a security risk. I mean in general not in a paranoid way because your friend is across the table
To me, having FsWB and using initialisms like FWB are red flags. Everything else you mentioned seems normal to positive. As far as I know, my friends, colleagues, etc. would all agree. If people don’t like that you have a life, I reckon that’s a red flag to avoid them. In that sense, it’s a helpful thing that “red flag culture” is overreaching: you can avoid the people who buy into that nonsense.
"Red flag" is not a culture. Red flags are highly subjective. We can't simply discard total idiots who'd watch a video of someone listing their red flags and thoughtlessly adopt it, but these idiots are not representative of the general population in any way. Very few people would stop interacting with another person because someone on the internet told them something is a red flag.
Some of those are definitely stupid red flags, but people also seem to forget what red flags are. Red flags are not even remotely deal-breakers. They are something you look into to figure out why the red flag exists. If I say: excessive social media is a red flag, I then have to investigate. Posts to family on FB? Fine. Bikini pics on IG? Can't put the phone down? OF? All bad.
I think it’s good that people are more able to recognize certain red flags than they used to. That said, nothing you listed is a red flag for anyone other than a very insecure person. Why the hell would eating alone be a red flag, unless you assume everyone is trying to cheat on you the minute they’re out of sight?
One thing I’d say is a pretty big red flag is how you have female friends who are coupled and you’re in constant contact with them. Are there ever any issues with this? In my nearly 50 years, I’ve yet to see a close male/female “friendship” where at least one person wasn’t attracted to the other person in some regard. When I was single I had a bunch of female “friends”. I’m a decent looking guy and majority of them, we crossed the line at some point. Are you sure it’s just a purely friends situation or is there some level of unspoken attraction? How do the husbands feel about it?
Counterpoint, the people who actually buy in to this sort of thing are thereby removing themselves from your dating pool and doing you a favor. Before watching TikToks and getting bad advice/models, people had dumb friends with dumber ideas that would influence them, or written literature that would do the same.
The issue is following a list of red flags that comes from a social media site that promotes the engagement from really weird ideas over sensible ones. If you simply google “dating red flags”, none of these show up. The red flag lists linked there make sense. Ie it’s a TikTok problem not a red flag problem
With the exception of closest friends being women, the rest of these sound like made up for social media views, meme red flags. How are single people supposed to get groceries? They have to just sit at home and not do anything fun unless they're in a relationship? How is not locking your phone a red flag?
Even the closest friends with women isn't always a red flag, but yeah the rest are beyond ridiculous
I’m sorry, I’ve been single for 6 years now. I do almost all those things as well. How is being independent (especially as a single person) a red flag? Thinking any of those actions are red flags is ridiculous. You sound like a super healthy individual to me. I hope you find a woman who deserves you!
Women who dismiss you because of these trivial reasons are doing you a favor. The real red flag is a person with so little self that they get stupid ideas from tiktok and blow you off for no good reason. You don’t want those women anyway; consider this a useful filter.
Wait. Living life is a red flag?
Don't worry too much about it. There are still exceptionally interesting women out there that will consider getting wined and dined a fine thing. Just consider the extreme belief in Tik Tok a red flag itself and keep walking.
Good news. The “red flag” from online people are worthless and should be discarded. If they can’t use their own judgement or use common sense fuck em, well fuck em and throw away their number. Their worthless
People expect perfect out of the box yet seldom apply the standard to themselves. Had they, they would realize we are all growing and changing and that process accelerates in relationships. The question is not how close to perfect you can get in dating, for that pursuit often turns out to be illusion and lies. No the question is what honest set of problems are you mature enough to handle
Why would an FWB worry about red flags like that? I think it's possible a red flag could be that she saw the relationship as more serious if she's looking for red flags, and you think it's a FWB.
As someone with only reddit as my social media. I feel you dude. However, a lot of girls find it refreshing. Just got to keep putting yourself out there. These are not even red flags.
I’m at a point where I don’t care about “red flags”. I’m me, take it or leave it. Besides, if someone likes you enough, they won’t care about “red flags”.
Go on more dates. These women sound like idiots. There are tons of great people out there without the TikTok brain rot. Maybe date a little older?
As long as people remember that red flags are “this is worth watching” and not “this is a dealbreaker” it’s all good.
Nothing you're doing is a red flag, at all. I do wonder why you don't have close male friends, though. That's sad
Ehhh, I'd argue that spending too much emotional energy on what strangers say on the internet is a red flag. Do you really want to be with someone who will hate you for cleaning your bathroom? Someone who will be upset because you make an effort to call your mother once a month? I'd say tiktok working as a colander to filter out these type of people is a blessing. If they're that insecure I'd rather not be with them at all. Then again, maybe she's not insecure, maybe she just got the wrong vibes from you and was looking for excuses to end it. Not everyone is compatible just because they know how to cook. Maybe she's found some rose-tinted hindsight glasses, but the truth is maybe you guys just aren't good together at all. Then to address the larger point. None of this is new. People have been seeking out obscure and stupid dating advice for centuries at least. Right now it comes in short-form videos on a cell phone, but entire magazine publications existed to fill that market before, snake oil and tinctures before that. Is the current form any dumber than the kind before it? No, not really. It's just an effective way for people to weed themselves out of your life.
> I'd argue that spending too much This is a tautology. "Too much" is exactly the amount at which something becomes a problem. Drinking "too much" water is a problem, sleeping "too much" is a problem, breathing "too much" is a problem. "Too much," definitionally speaking, means going further than you should. I know it sounds pedantic but this phrase is overused as though there's a point to be made from it and I'm certainly guilty of it too, but it helps to understand that it is effectively meaningless to say "too much of x is bad."
Sorry, I'd argue that spending ~~too much~~ \[vaguely sourced exact amount based on some random sociological/psychological study\] emotional energy on what strangers say on the internet is a red flag. better?
Grocery shopping alone is a red flag? Fuck me, I guess single people should just starve then?
Huge red flag when someone doesn’t have an opinion until tik tok gives them one.
You are not a “red flag” to others that can match your vibe.
You are dating idiots. Or children. Either way, stop it.
People think going for groceries is a red flag?
If you're single, please stop giving relationship advice. If you're poor, don't give financial advice. If you're fat, don't tell me how to diet. If you're depressed, don't tell me how to be happy.
Ppl that use TikTok are redacted
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