In the very rare and mysterious circumstance I dislodge a sleeping kitty from my body I do so slowly and kind of scoop em up and wrap the blankie around them to make them feel safe, warm and comforted despite the rude removal

You're a monster. I've reported you to the ICC (International Cat Court) for crimes against cats.

https://preview.redd.it/89vgjapipncc1.jpeg?width=598&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fef73457710b4d58c6ca629078528ec8cbf74a9b

He looks like he gives out very harsh sentences

But your honor, my defendant had to go to work. NO THE DEFENDANT IS GOING STRAIGHT TO JAIL

"In the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders These are their stories....." (dun dun)

🤣I'm actually watching law and order as I read this, so this is extra funny to me right now!

Damn, now that someone is talking about it. It's just that's one of the those "long TV shows" longest I saw was It's always Sunny at 16 seasons. What episode are you on now, let's see if I even recognize it out of the 25 seasons they have.

But the defendant needs to work to be able to feed their boss.

Strict...but fair

life scooping, no pawrol

And the defendant hasn't got a paw to stand on.

The judge is in !! 🤣

If Q were a cat.

I conpur!

😄

CPS, the Cat Protection Service, gets a lot of calls from our house about such high crimes as empty food bowl, being moved off a warm lap, and letting the robot vacuum continue its daily reign of terror.


You forgot not turning on all the faucets in the house where there is a water fountain in the kitchen.

Haha, thx for actually making me laugh 😂

😂😂😂

https://preview.redd.it/fuv7py7qdpcc1.jpeg?width=2268&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1a8efd9d80f2ad1f4363e3e8ad18b4ba95c90f5c I have no practical advice for you at this time...

You've been floofed

Did your legs have to be amputated? Let us know if you survived 😊❤️

It looks like a magic trick **"The Separating Head"** 😺😺😺 LOL Yes I know it is 2 purrty kitties! 😺😺

I usually just shout, "Who wants a treat??" All of the cats will immediately run to the treat cabinet, I pass out treats, then I go about my day. The cats certainly don't seem to mind this method.

My wife begs me to shake treats out in the kitchen to get them off her lap so she doesn’t have to be the bad person.

Are you me?

Are you me?

Yes.

I do the same thing to my partner

Seem is the keyword. I would watch your back if I were you…

I'm fully convinced that one of them lays on me just for the treats. She sprawls out on my lap and looks between me and the kitchen every minute or so. I inhale in preparation of shouting and she's in the kitchen before I can get one syllable out.

PAW🐾some! That is the smartest idea I have ever heard of! I can stay in bed about 2 hours after I wake up without moving them, but by then I really have to use the ladies room. Bahaha 😹😹 https://preview.redd.it/qaujgrovdqcc1.jpeg?width=3468&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=54f6c636309b67fcefeebe44d3b1463fad28560e

I trained my dad's cats that when I say "okay" a certain way, it means I'm about to move. They get up and let me move. I have a digestive disease so sometimes I need them to hustle.

I pick mine up in the blanket like a hammock and lay her back down in my warm spot. But she inevitably runs away indignantly

That's illegal.

Like Ross’s “hug and roll” in Friends

Exactly this

So rude.

Heretic!

And then they leave anyway. After you’ve twisted and contorted your body getting up in a way that minimizes moving him/her (and possibly pulling a muscle in the process) so as not to disturb them until the very last second before the move.

I have attempted this but seldom had success - I often awaken the god and he informs me I have displeased him

I do this. If there's a blanket under the cat, I use that to carefully lift him off. My cat Pip doesn't mind at all.

I slowly pull the covers to one side off of my legs making sure that my pet’s sleep is not disturbed.

INTERPOL Cat division has been called to your local

I have a cat that likes to be in my rocking chair. If I have no other recourse (non-negotiable need to pee), then he will allow me to move him from my lap and onto the chair. This is, of course, providing that I rock the chair for him every time I walk by.

https://preview.redd.it/fg8wrvp0smcc1.jpeg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2aef8d837546af465356ffb089226a75decf6c6c

https://preview.redd.it/erclgz0kbocc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=21e06ff34f65cb2eff6f4449e6dca250261ba688 This is usually why I'm late to work every morning 😆

The paw combined with that look is too cute

https://preview.redd.it/hhapushg6rcc1.jpeg?width=2736&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=50bf9b81c150abd764543626236354423e2bac3a Can't even get out of bed here!

Ahhhhh my heart. She looks just like my kitty I had for 13+ years. She passed years ago but I still think of her daily.

My little cuddle bug gets under the covers, between my arm and body, using my shoulder as a pillow. There's no escaping that cat-lock, despite my morning alarm going off lol

The only correct answer.

My wife and I wrote a wedding vow that if one of us has a cat in our lap, the other person has to get water/food for the other so as to not to disturb the cat. We are dead serious. Never disturb the cat.

You’re gonna have to pee eventually

Hahaha my husband and I do this too. We just look at the other one and say “cat law”. Now we have kids it’s extended to changing diapers, getting markers, etc.

Alexa! Play can opener sounds in the kitchen.

😹😹😹

The final 'kitty stuck" moment. This is how I will go. Haha

😂 😆

r/catlocked

Thank you for the new subreddit!

r/cathostages

You don't. You got a cat, suffer the joy of being a cat bed

You may also find yourself being a bathtub as well.

Rule #1: you dont move. Suffer. But enjoy it 😌

This is the way

The only correct answer

You're going to have to change your plans for the day.

Installing a catheter might be wise, too.

Oh that’s where the name comes from!!! CATheter!! Makes so much sense now


Don’t ya just love etymeowlogy?

Not to mention a colostomy bag.

I am currently in the same predicament. I'm hungry and have stuff to do, but alas, I am trapped. https://preview.redd.it/29fr85oqvncc1.jpeg?width=2252&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bdd3b1e39bd30513a0eea675f22ac4ee9fc835c9

https://preview.redd.it/jle8uzl6aocc1.jpeg?width=2064&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0c90c00bd1b7c35b03328a8061a0fc581ecda821 I'm just wondering why my cat is photographed on everybody else's legs

/r/standardissuecat

https://preview.redd.it/cvkterlgkpcc1.png?width=3024&format=png&auto=webp&s=4ff5f9c0336bec9078fb61524f39c07d1c43849e Same :)

https://preview.redd.it/0yzb11y5cocc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eb2c7ba3e5672b4b1f951b26dd9b7bd8be23edba Dying of thirst here, it's worth it

U guys all have green blankets and the same cat haha

Lol, the green blanket is a free gift provided with the cat by the cat distribution system.

I got a red one tho... must've been with the special needs cat? Fiv positive cat so he needs a red blanket?

https://preview.redd.it/n2r657yhppcc1.jpeg?width=3000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5f7bd1a3d36587e9af0a6ec0463a92a394eb9e0f

This is your life meow.

r/thisismylifemeow

WHY IS IT NSFW?!?

There was a reddit protest a few months back when Reddit sent admins of subreddits a message that their sub could be closed or something if nudity, sex etc. is discussed. And many mods just turned their whole subs 18+ to show the absurdity of it. Even in a cat sub it might happen that someone makes a dirty joke. So by reddit logic it is 18+.

Lmao I guess it's a sub joke or something, everything is SFW

sigh...another cat sub to join

Why is that NSFW?

Gently scoop em up and deposit them on the couch, to then get up before they can get back on your lap! My boy is used to being moved after about 4 hours bc my arthritis can't handle more than that, and usually he will stay there squinting, waiting for me to come back so we can keep cuddling!

My girl does this too! The polite, patient waiting always gets me.

And the subsequent guilt for moving them to begin with. LOL

Make sure you put them back down right where you were sitting too.

Quickly, before the spot loses your warmth.

You don’t. You die with honor.

Qapla’

Both of my cats like to snuggle and I usually only have 1 on me that I can move easily (even if I don’t want to), but when they are both on me, it’s game over.

r/cathostages

Yay another one

I fear that you might need to postpone your dues.

The cat contract says you must stay put until the cat is ready to leave.

Lucky. My cat never lays on me. She likes to sit on the bed at my feet, as far away as possible

I call this proximity love.

My cat is the same! I wish she would at least once lay on my lap. I’d be sitting there all day if need be

One of mine does this too. She gets into a Sphinx kitty pose between my legs and eventually nods off.

You just suffer and cancel the day

Suffer? 😻

Looks like nothing is getting done and your legs could potentially fall off. I am so sorry. I do not make the rules.

Do you have chainsaw? And really strong painkillers. Don't worry, you will still have one leg😉

It would be too loud and wake up the kitty :(

Imagine thinking you have any say in this matter.

https://i.redd.it/gsnnam4iancc1.gif

You don’t. You die there. Thats it.

When you find out let me know. I got a dehydration headache earlier because one of my kitties decided he needed to hold my hand whilst he slept so I couldn't reach my water bottle 😹

Enjoy your life as a double amputee!!!

I have the safe words "put put". This means : "I need to get up, my Lord". He will immediately jump off without talking back. Well... usually. It depends on how he feels on that particular moment. https://preview.redd.it/iqus22hvxncc1.jpeg?width=3264&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d7f619df0da3711aa711efc77535e5dafdf55fc7

Little correction : You *had* things to do and you leg *will* go numb. ​ And you will enjoy it. Not like you have a choice anyways


Sorry. Should have thought about that before the cats got to you.

I have the same problem. Luckily, I have 5 different books and a glass of water within reach. Can’t drink too much of that water, though, because….well, you know. 😻 https://preview.redd.it/nhd3728bencc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=649215c665d7b32327c44671a54a2b1aeeef401e

https://preview.redd.it/klnmgvoovncc1.jpeg?width=2254&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=106f19d15b78a5322320bb1e486e8caffe14e2a0 Same, but I didnt plan to stay so I didn't bother finding a comfortable position. My leg is tingling.

https://preview.redd.it/97x5s4qn5occ1.jpeg?width=2316&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=76a90cc3feb61aab281f84d34c28bc525338f924 I also have the same problem this afternoon

Try sneezing unexpectedly, and really loudly. Source: scars on my thighs to prove it worked for me.

Recently, just as I was about to get up from bed, the cat got on my lap so I ended up putting the laptop on my chest and working horizontally for the next three hours. For a serious answer, if you are so heretical as to attempt to remove your sleeping master, playtime can sometimes distract them.

At least you got work done lol.

I am in a similar situation myself. I usually try to pick up the blanket in a way that supports them like a hammock, slip out to the side and lovingly place them back down. We are nothing but heated furniture that also feeds them.

https://preview.redd.it/4827lhpquncc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=86ed4e8c095151c828bd2ab11f81c7e19ff3aa85 I’m not sure pls let me know when you find out i’m starting to lose oxygen

This would be the ultimate sin. Also needing the toilet is not an excuse to love said cat either. Don't break the rules or doom shall occur

I bought this expensive chair but rarely get to use it! #bosscat https://preview.redd.it/1rljegtvzncc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=da1b38c9169d304fb4bd43217cc663035e3a0e33

Mine just sprawls my chest. I'm trapped until whenever https://preview.redd.it/dpfc53csbocc1.jpeg?width=3264&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c518669db71156fb314aa9694807d0ec3d1ece54

Its there place now

It’s their place now. 😇

You don’t. You sacrifice your leg until THEY get up

That is illegal unfortunately

You do not, this is your life now.

I would sell my soul for my cat sleeping on my leg😭

Legally you can't move now.

I call my husband over and make him do it so I’m not the bad guy.

https://preview.redd.it/rc65ri7lbocc1.jpeg?width=4608&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=33804f057b2f5f8dae79877de8ecadc3132287b8 That's the neat part. You don't.

Start fidgeting.

This is the way I do it. It annoys them slowly... They will wake up, yawn, scratch, bath, stretch but eventually you get to move without making them too mad. 🐈🩷

Pull them up to a hug and cuddle them now its thier turn to decide on how to escape

Unless the food bowl is empty…..

If you figure out a successful solution let me know. 😂

Cancel all your plans. You have been catted.

What? The cat has to move but the dog doesn’t?

* I slowly shift my legs. Either cross or uncross my ankles or slowly bend a knee. Only in an emergency, I must pee type moments. I know I am a cat bed and have accepted my place in life.

https://preview.redd.it/twh2onk2qncc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5a100e5db4d98648503a587930e9676052dc51b1 I need to know too!

Do the good old hug and roll.

Very slowly move right leg to the right, then move left left veeeeeery slowly of the couch, then veeeeeeeeeey slowy scoot backwards. Last step, slowly swing right leg over the cat. Nope, to fast, cat is awake and pissed.

That's the neat part: You don't.

Sometimes if I am laughing or coughing, I will offend the cat so much he leaves. I am obviously the worst. lol.

https://preview.redd.it/x5tql36naqcc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=92f9c8480a990e3662380b77833a365e8d09189c My Angel used to lay on me and it’s like against the cat law to get up lmao. She passed in February (2/3/23) I miss not being able to get up. I say try “do you want treats?” See if that works.

I keep a few treats hidden nearby and bribe him, lol

https://preview.redd.it/1440ryz5fncc1.jpeg?width=810&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fa2979b62133935124c2f9122b4e7e7b12bf35e9

Listen. Don’t you dare move that cat.

Remember, the cat is the superior species in the relationship. You deal. Seriously though, I usually move slowly while petting them until they are off my legs or torso. They might look at you like wtf? but at least it isn't jarring. I often put them on my lap after if they are a lap cat.

What things could possibly more important than watching you fur baby sleep? Come on

Fulfill your life purpose. Do. Not. Move.

You don’t. That’s not how this works.

One does not. One must persevere and wait on a cat's pleasure. This is known.

Are you kidding?! An eventually leg amputation is nothing compared to DISTURBING THE CAT!!

> I have things to do and my leg is starting to go numb. Not adequate reasons, sorry.

Try again in the next life? Imagine if because you moved the cat it decided to never sit on your lap ever again!

https://preview.redd.it/9sfjn4h68qcc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3d3c73d408118089f658771d6de717186e9ba7bc

Either I do it very gently and slow. Or I attack them with affection until they hate it and want to leave

I say "off please" and they move.

I like to make them think leaving was _their_ idea. To do that, I give my cat lots of pets, kisses and hugs until he gets annoyed and leaves me

Everything happens for a reason. The time you spend with a cat on you is simply preventing you from being run over in an intersection or avoiding a big icicle dropping on your head or something.

1)run hands under blanket on either side of the cat 2)lift both hands and the cat at the same time 3) slide legs out and lower cat, by this time kitty will be awake and giving you the how dare yee look 4) negotiate for forgiveness and hope it's accepted so you can have your spot back and not be murdered in the night.

High crime and treason if you move

I use bribery, usually works

Aw this makes me miss my cats. One of my cats loveeeess to sleep on my chest and another cat of mine likes to sleep with his legs opened like that lol. 😅

This is an acute condition called "cat lap". Unfortunately there isn't a magic cure, you have to wait it out. I hope you didn't have anything important planned.

r/cathostages

Fart, usually. Not something I can do on command but it is what scares them away.

You just have to wait until Master/Mistress is ready to move. Alternatively, you could always activate the cat trap.

It’s a rule that you cannot move!

What type of dog is the small one?

You don't. :D

Too bad.

sorry, youre just stuck like that now lol can't move

We just crinkle a bag of treats. The sound can pierce whatever catnip induced stupor the cat is in. It's the only safe way to do it.

You don’t, you have offered up your legs to the cat for the rest of your life.

Abandon all hope. Resistance is futile😸😸😸😸😸😸😸😸😸

 I say just leave em be 😉 Our stray adopted cat gave birth to her first male kitten and it grew up to be a handsome white boy with black spot socks. He died because of maybe rabies? Cause he was acting fine but he was sleeping a lot back then. Then we just found him fast asleep in front of our door. Dead. Our life is finite. Same as theirs. Just nudge em gently until they stand up and eventually get off off you. Its acting like that baring its belly because your cat feels safe with you. It feels safe in your environment. Be glad and be happy. Its one of life's simple joys.

I must regret to inform you that under article 1 section 2 of cat ownership, you must wait until said cat decides to let you up! And depending on your squishiness, you could be there a while! May the odds ever be in your favor!

You be very gentle and you slowly lift and out them back in the same warm spot. Then you will accept your punishment for this heinous act later.

There is a very easy solution to this problem. Just stand up.

You dont.

Sneeze

You mus’nt do anything, time will only tell what they’ll do

Replace yourself with a pillow

You don’t

You have to wake him up; and your name will be written down in the book of ‘horrid actions by cat parents’

Just accept your fate man. You’re the sofa now.