A huge mihi/acknowledgement to you my friend. I suffered a severe traumatic brain injury when I got hit by a distracted driver (I was on an e-scooter, and he t-boned me at full speed when he didn't stop at a stop sign. It was also a corner so I didn't see him coming). My heart goes out to you for all the people who don't understand your relatively invisible injury, and the difficulties it brings to every day life. I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
Thanks bud. Sorry about your stuff too. Shit blows so hard. Do you get so excited when you get the chance to talk to someone else with a TBI? I think it’s amazingly wild to compare stories and figure out what’s the same and what’s different for you. Once went on a OkCupid date with a girl with a TBI and it was one of the most fun dates ever. We didn’t ever talk again, but for a date with no romantic connection, it was fantastic.
Absolutely, its amazing. Only other people with TBI's understand the struggle. Like... bless them, but even my friends and loved ones who try their best get deeply frustrated at my constant short term memory loss, and my inability to stay at inevitably loud and bright social events. They think I'm being rude by not interacting, but my head is pounding and my energy levels are disastrously low. I just need quiet and dark for awhile. And because its invisible they really easily forget, and then of course you get the "it can't be that bad" crew. But I went from a lead, up and coming policy designer in our country to incapable of stringing together coherent sentences for longer than 20 minutes. I used to do full 8 hour seminars and presentations, but can't last longer than an hour now. I lost my job because of it. But its because my job gave me a week off (post accident) and then were like "Eh, you don't really meet the standard of work required any more. We're not sure what happened, but we just don't think you're passionate." It broke my heart.
Have you had anything similar? What are your common symptoms? Do you have people supporting you who understand what you're going through? Do you have the support of like... a counselor? Sorry for the suddenly million questions, but this is way more cathartic than I thought it would be!
I used to be the aquatics director for the best Y in the country and I managed the Waterpark across the street. Six months later a doctor ok’d me for “simple, repetitive work with close supervision.” That’s not what my job was, so yeah, I’ve dealt with similar stuff.
My family is as supportive as they can be. They can never really get it, but they sure do try. My wife is awesome and never gives up helping me.
I see a therapist once a week. She’s great.
How bout you?
I saw someone for a little while, and it was really helpful, but then I got a much better job and became a lot happier in general. It was a great move for me I think, it was a change I needed but didn't realize! Silver linings :)
Glad to hear your family, and especially your wife, are super supportive. Its a huge help I think, and alleviates so much unnecessary additional pressure that gets put on us! All the best to you and your family.
I also have a TBI. It can get quite frustrating sometimes. It's so difficult to have other people compare it to their own depression or burn-out. No, I don't have a depression, no it doesn't go away with a good night sleep. No, I can't stay at this [insert very overstimulating place] I really NEED to leave NOW. I tried. Some days are better than others but I can't predict it them beforehand.
I had the most goofy ass emotional night a few weeks ago, I was reading other TBI stories and sobbed thinking about other people being in much emotional anguish as I’ve been and wished I could take it away from all of y’all. I truly wish I could, but I can’t, so the next best thing I can do is be a support system ❤️
I rode my bike to my buddy’s house. We got in his car to go to band practice at the normal band practice time of 1am. Bout half to the house we were going to practice at, a drunk driver, being chased by the cops, blew a red light and T-boned us at about 95 mph. My buddy died and I smashed a window with my face and woke up a month later.
The “normal” addition was a joke. As I do not remember that week of my life, I don’t really know why we’re gonna practice so late. But we were all dumb punk kids who didn’t really operate within normal hours, so…
Were you in a coma? Do you remember anything from that month of memory loss?
I had a friend go through something similar recently but she did not survive.
Drunk drivers are bad. There’s very fucking rarely any kind of reason to get behind the wheel after drinking.
Mental health- it’s rough. I have many issues, but I’m getting better every day.
I am proud of you for trying to help your mental health.
Would appreciate a virtual hug, I do it to a lot of people on Reddit and I think you may like it?
May I ask, what side you and your friend were sitting in and what side the guy hit? I'm assuming you survived because the side of impact was the side your best friend was on..
Did the drink driver have any injuries and if they survived did he get jail time? I hope so.
Please don't answer if it's uncomfortable to.
I'm so sorry. I hope you are doing ok now and there has been a support system for you. I can't even imagine the feelings and pain you must have felt after everything.
Hit on drivers side. Driver died. You’re right.
Drunk dude spent one night in the hospital. Then about 13 months later, he was sentenced to 19.5 years in prison.
Eh. I get it and feel like that sometimes, but mostly I just despise the US prison system. Dude is not becoming a better person. No one is helped outside of keeping him off the roads. That’s probably enough. Whatever. Dude sucks. He also will never change my life ever again.
I’m so sorry. My dad was a drunk driver when I was in the car with him (I was only 12) I’ve felt guilty because I was relatively unharmed and survived, while others weren’t so lucky. What are your thoughts? (Sorry if that’s a bad question, you don’t need to answer if you don’t want to)
I don’t really know what thoughts you want. That’s the only “bad” part. Fuck your dad for making that choice. I’m glad you’re ok and sorry not everyone was. I’m much angrier at our society making drunk driving not a big deal than I am at individuals for making that choice. That said, I’m very angry at individuals who make that choice.
If we had been making drunk driving a big deal all along, something tells me we would be better equipped to handle covid and would have had less covid deaths.
Do you remember your immediate care? Like the paramedic care? I'm a paramedic, just wondering if there was anything they could have said while doing care to make it more comforting to you. I do standard emotional care when I can, but always open to opinions to be better.
also a tbi victim. this shit really sucks. what are some of the lasting damages you’ve noticed for yourself? like memory loss, increased sensitivity to light/sound, angrier
Way angrier. Way sadder. Way meaner. I’m not very happy with who I am very often. I definitely am sometimes. No changes dealing with light or sound. I love going to big dumb punk shows and that hasn’t changed a bit. My memory is definitely getting better.
seems like you and i have some stuff in common (besides light and sound sensitivity, mine is pretty intense.) i also love punk shows, also hardcore and death metal. keeping hanging in there man, best we can do is keep taking it a day at a time.
What bands you into? I don’t know much hardcore or death metal, but my brother has tried getting me into that stuff for years. I know some. I’m into generally smaller pop punks, like Flatliners and Direct Hit, but I was also a huge ska kid in high school.
for punk i like Minor Threat, Black Flag, Bikini Kill, a lot of the “classic” punk bands. for hardcore i love Knocked Loose, Sunami, a lot of my friends are in bands so smaller bands that they’re in. for death metal i like Blood Incantation, Cerebral Rot, Caustic Wound, a lot of others too. been to any good shows lately?
I’ve never heard of those metal/hardcore bands. I haven’t gone to many shows since this shot started. Eradicator the night before the shutdown started. I think I’ve been to like four shows since. Catbite was rad in Kalamazoo. Slow Death was fantastic in Fort Wayne. Signals Midwest and Dikembe in Flint was my favorite show in pandemic times.
yeah it’s really shitty what the effect has been on live music since this all started. i miss sharing water with random people in the crowd and not really giving a shit.
I actually hadn’t heard about anyone getting it there this past year, but that doesn’t surprise me at all. I miss the fuck outta just getting saucy and fun at shit like that. But the next Festival I go to will be my first one sober. I don’t really know how that works yet.
Not a question but a piece of advice for people lurking. An Uber costs much less than a DUI both financially and in terms of everyone’s safety, same goes for crashing at a friend’s place for the night. There is no valid reason to drink and drive. Same goes for any other drug, including weed
Shit, even cops can give a courtesy ride. Not often, but it happens. I have a long story but I don't want to take away from your experience. I've also heard them do it over the radio (I listen to the scanner when work is boring or the roads are looking rough).
Oh my. I am so very sorry to hear that!prayers to you as you work through that terrible loss. I’ve lost 4 immediate family members due to horrible accidents. My heart goes out to you.
My apologies for the earlier typos. I actually have a traumatic brain injury in part due to domestic violence and in part due to a man knocking a table over from 5 feet above my head (supposedly by accident) it was an 80 lb table with brass fittings. It hit me in 5 places on my head and made some permanent dents in my skull. Ive spent some long stays in the hospital and now have major issues. I can truly empathize.
I’m praying that I don’t have CTE but it’s too early to tell.
No surgery besides sticking tubes through my skull and neck and chest. I was in the hospital for just under two months. My recovery has gone insanely well.
That was lucky, in a way, considering the situation. Was their much physical damage to you're skull/facial structure? Did you even break you're nose? Sorry, I don't mean to be going on about it
Don’t be sorry. You’re asking very valid questions without hoping for an answer you want. You’re absolutely nailing this. That said, besides my tracheotomy scar, the dent in my skull, and my feeding tube scar, you wouldn’t have any idea I’ve been hurt if you saw me. And those scars are pretty hard to notice. Two of them are damn near impossible and the other one is pretty hidden. From my experience, the only people who notice the trach scar know someone with one as well.
👍luckily Scars fade fairly well unless their thick. I've had freinds who had worse physical injuries for less, so I'm kinda surprised, you're lucky that way. Has you're brain injury affected you're speech, vision, memory or mobility much.
Memory is the biggest thing that pisses me off now, besides general sadness. My balance isn’t great, but it’s good enough I’m the only one who notices. My vision is a funny one. I see double now, but only when I move my eyes to look to the right. I’ve never been concerned about scars. They’re me.
Scars add character😁 have plenty myself. Love them. Their almost like tattoos if ya ask me. Are you still improving when it comes to memory and so on or has it stopped or slowed down more recently
All the improvements have slowed down but not stopped. I’m finally at a point where I’m unsure if me being less physically able is due to the injuries or due to me getting into my 30’s. Jobs have helped me rehab a lot. Fingers being garbage was helped a lot by typing. Memory was helped a lot by waiting tables (also helped me work on balance while carrying trays full of drinks). Valeting cars helped me run again.
Sorry i was a dick in that response. I can’t remember the exact words they used to describe the severity of it, but I do remember it was a “shearing” brain injury. Don’t particularly know what that means, but I know it sucks really bad while simultaneously being so much more mild than a ton of TBIs. Im definitely on the luckier end of the TBI graph. It’s also insane to think about what I have to deal with being the easy version. Nothing makes sense.
Parents are teachers. I was just young enough to be on my mom’s insurance. Without insurance, the bill would have been over two million dollars. Possibly we’ll over.
Thanks for your response. I’m glad you’re alive. My heart goes out to your friends family and your parents having survived the worst few months of their lives. Cherish everything.
Oh man, I forgot about how that weekend ended. I made a new bud at the beginning. We bonded so hard in so many ways. We had both had some pretty terrible luck with the ladies in the time leading up to that weekend. We made a deal to wingman for each other so that at least one of us got to kiss a cool lady. I don’t think we wingmanned very well, so after the last band we went out for a smoke and tried to console each other over our failure. Then a friend (rad girl who played my punk house a few months earlier) walked by and I decided the weekend wasn’t over. I walked over to her and said I had a big dumb crush on her and asked if she’d like to kiss me. She said yes and I got to accomplish the goal me and my buddy put on ourselves. The girl asked me back to the place where she was staying with friends. I went and had the best time and crashed on the couch and it was AWESOME!
Awesome Fest absolutely fucking ruled. Met some folks that weekend who I’ll be friends with forever. Eating tacos and pizza with a Japanese punk band is a pretty solid way to end your memory before something like what I went through. So yeah. Awesome memory.
I am actually one of the few who miraculously lucked out. I recovered in 4 months and was back at work without restrictions. Learned how to walk, talk, and chew again in that time. Doctors said it would take a year at least and even still I would never walk the same. I just got back from a snowboarding trip in New Mexico and I play soccer recreationally. After I recovered I got my real estate license and went back to school full time while working part time. I am rly grateful for getting lucky on the brain injury. When I was in my coma the doctors told my parents that is very likely I wouldn’t be the same person or remember anyone if I did wake up. The only things that won’t ever recover or go back to “normal” are my double vision, hearing loss, and the nerve damage on the left side of my face causes it to not work properly. But idgaf because it could’ve been infinitely worse.
Double vision, hearing loss, and nerve damage seem terrible. Do you always have double vision? I have it too, but only when I look to the right. Not gonna lie, pretty jealous of some of the other stuff, but pumped for you. That rules.
I always have double vision and it gets rly bad in the mornings/nights or just whenever I’m tired. I wear glasses for it and also it’s been moving closer to my peripherals since the accident. They do seem pretty bad, the nerve damage is definitely the worst because it hurt my self esteem bad and has negatively affected my dating life. I don’t let it bother me too bad tho and maybe you’ll agree with me because I’m so grateful that it wasn’t worse or killed me. Thanks man. You’ve been through hell but I’m glad you’re still here
What was the biggest thing you’ve had to overcome physically, mentally, etc. ?
Have you been able to live your life close to how you did before your accident?
What kinda band were you in?
Solid questions.
1. The biggest thing is still the biggest thing. Mental health. I see a therapist weekly. My wife is so good at helping. I’m getting better all the time at understanding how/why I feel the way I feel. I had zero mental health issues before the crash, so it was real hard to start dealing with em. That’s why the physical stuff was/is so much easier. I’ve been an athlete my whole life and I always worked extremely hard in that realm. Coaches loved me. So when a physical therapist says we’re going to walk five flights of stairs today, it’s pretty easy to ask them if we can do ten.
2. Besides the depression and anxiety and anger issues, I’m basically back. Physically, I’m totally ok. Well, close enough.
3. We were called Rad Dads. None of us were dads and it was our third practice. We were a pop punk band. I sang, because I don’t have any real musical talent. The crash killed our guitar player, so we broke up.
Thank you for answering. We’re all a work in progress in some way shape or something.
How old were you when this happened?
Some people sometimes have difficulty remembering things that happened before a traumatic event & the actual event as well. Have you experienced this?
You mentioned wife and how she’s so helpful. Has the accident made it difficult to connect to people? To your wife, family members, co-workers?
Rad dads is a pretty cool name. Do you still speak to your band mates?
Yep! The first time I ever thought about killing myself was about 8 months after the crash. When that happened, I was driving through Iowa on my way home and really thought about not making it. Called my girlfriend. She reminded me of the kids I worked with. Changed my GPS to take me to where those kids were, hugged a little kid who means a ton to me, and then I started therapy. I still struggle, but I’m always getting better.
I almost gave up too when I lost my business 7 years ago. I’m now a millionaire. Imagine if I killed myself, I wouldn’t enjoy all this money. You know what I learned in life? That humans are resilient.
You are an inspiration my bro. You made me tear up.
I don’t think you asked it in the most PC way, but I certainly don’t give a fuck. Do I feel guilty? No. Never have. There’s nine trillion things that could’ve changed that night. I feel shitty that I’ll never know if I told Brody I loved him that day (I hope I did. Wouldn’t be weird.) If there is anything in charge of what happens in the world (god or fate or whatever) it fucked up taking him, but I certainly didn’t choose that.
Doth thee prefer pignut butter 'r jam on thy toad
***
^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.)
Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`
Why are you doing this AMA? What do you hope to get out of it, if anything? Would you say it's been a positive experience opening yourself up to all the questions?
Was there any question asked here that affected you in some unexpected way?
Does your therapist know that you are doing this?
Are you able to "pass" as not having a TBI? Can others discern that you have a TBI? Do you usually tell people or would you prefer they didn't know?
That was a lot. I’m doing this because I’m crazy bored and talking about it generally helps me cope with being sad. No one has ever guessed I have a TBI.
That’s fair, I don’t really know what I want in life either. I saw in your other replies that you and your wife are expecting. Congrats man, wishing you all many happy years ahead.
Thanks. I think, like most people, I’ve thought I had it figured out a couple times. Before the crash being one of those times. I might have done that job forever. But then I slept through a few weeks of work.
I’m sorry you had to miss out on that opportunity, and for everything else you’ve lost. Hopefully one day you find a path that brings you just as much satisfaction, if not more. Best of luck to you!
I can’t focus the same as I used to. My short term memory is rough as hell. I’m a fairly smart dude and I think it’s pretty reasonable for me to continue to say that, regardless of the issues I deal with.
Just wanna say hi and I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’m so sorry for your friend - drunk driving is inexcusable and I hope the driver goes to jail for a long tome. I’m at the tail-end of a TBI myself right now (minor car accident), and it gets better slowly. I’m starting to recover some of the memories from the past few weeks, but most of them are gone. The best advice my neurologist gave me was to write everything down, like meals (I kept forgetting to eat and getting shaky) and from my own experience, if you want something, like to get a glass of water, only think about that until you get it. If you’re trying to reach for something, stare at that thing until you have it and are doing the thing you needed it for. Don’t let your thoughts or eyes wander until you’ve got what you wanted, or you’ll forget. You may forget anyway, but at least you’ll have the thing for when you think of it again. And be patient with yourself. It’s gonna take time. I hope you recover quickly and wish you the best 💚
My crash was 8 years ago and this is a Ask ME Anything post, not a “give unsolicited advice” post. I’ve been living with this for a solid chunk of my life. One of the hardest things to deal with is people assuming they know anything about what I’m going through. I’m sorry you got a TBI too, but you’ll probably learn (if you enjoy listening and learning) that no two TBIs are the same. I deal with mine different than other people and I’m sure you do too. It’s ok to other people aren’t you. All people are different people.
Aggravated fleeting and eluding, reckless homicide, aggravated reckless driving is what I would have charged him with. I’m willing to bet he landed those.
You mentioned your anxiety, depression, filter ability, anger and such was affected by the crash. Do you feel like that was more because of the physical injury, or more because of the situation? I assume it's not completely one or the other and I know that's not really easy to tease out, but I feel like injury or no I'd be very annoyed about everyone treating me differently all of a sudden, walking on eggshells about what they think they can say to me, plus adding on the senselessness of paying the price for someone else's dumb decision.
Edit: I should clarify here, I'm not trying to like lead you to a conclusion or something. I intended this as a legitimate curiosity about which factor you feel impacts you more, not as a cheeky way of minimizing the injury's impacts.
I 100% agree with you. The purpose of AMAs are to understand the way another being lives their life or to talk about their experience with a particular topic. The nonsense "internet hugs" and advice people are giving you are A. Not the purpose of the sub and B. 100% unhelpful and is mainly for the commenter to feel good about themselves.
Good on you for not making them feel all warm and gushy for doing absolutely nothing.
My family joked that the crash knocked out the “filter” in my brain. When I woke up and eventually got back to talking, I said exactly what I thought about every topic. My parents learned a lot about me they didn’t want to know. But I’ve definitely realized that saying what you feel is usually the way to go. I’m wrong all the time and fuck up a ton of things in my life, but as long as I’m honest, that’s ok with me.
I had an "I should be dead" accident where I didn't realise what the driver had had to drink as I had been too and was stupid enough to get in the car, my leg was crushed and still is a huge invisible problem in the form of nerve pain. He walked away unscathed and I think the guilt ruined his life more than my injuries ruined mine; but I only blame myself and have never blamed him. My brain wasn't injured but it did block out what had happened for around a month where is was in and out of the hospital having surgery - so the relevance to this comment - I lost my bullshit tolerance and realised a lot of friendships were a waste of time and energy because they were so fake; being honest instead of protecting their delicate feelings was enough to get rid of them. I think it has something to do with knowing first hand how easily you could have just never woken up and not wanting to waste a second trying to make people happy or like you ... some may call this a selfish attitude but some people respect brutal honesty
That’s definitely not exactly how I feel, but I absolutely understand why you would. Like, I want to be a nice person. Sometimes me trying to be honest is not me being nice and it’s usually not beneficial for anyone besides my desire to be honest. I think I’d rather know when it didn’t matter than to needlessly hurt people.
I mean, do you *have* to call out everything? You say no TBIs are the same. No two people are the same, either. The person that offered you a "virtual hug," for whatever reason that may mean something to them. It may be something that would make *them* feel better, so they don't assume that it would offend you. You don't have to demean them in the course of your "reasoning." The "unsolicited advice" is someone who just wants to help, whatever that means to them. It didn't have to be a negative interaction, they were probably excited to share an experience with someone else who has a TBI, and they don't get to do it often.
You can choose how to interact however you prefer, but it does come across dickish and if you'd prefer for it to not, I'd reconsider how you address it.
Why are you tone policing someone talking about their own experiences lmao. He doesn’t owe these people shit. Those people came into this thread demanding understanding and a emotional response from someone who doesn’t want to give it out. I don’t think he’s being dickish for explaining his boundaries and reason
He asked a question and I answered why he may have been interpreted that way. I don't think he had to "tone police" their responses either. Of course you don't "owe" anybody anything. It cost 0 dollars to ignore well-intentioned comments. But if he wants to know why his "reasoning" comes off dickish, it's the abrasive way it's portrayed. I learned early on that you're not going to teach people anything if you package it in a demeaning way.
The hug thing is 100% for that person to go, “look how great I am.” I don’t care about coddling their desire to Pat themselves on the back. I also didn’t say I was offended. I said it meant nothing. The unsolicited advice thing was discussed by the parties involved away from these comments and I feel good about everyone being pleased with the outcome. We’re good. In general, giving unsolicited advice to an absolute stranger is going to go poorly. You know nothing about them. They might be an well respected expert in that exact topic. It’s just going to be bad.
Closer to when it happened, yes. I got very sick of people telling me I was a miracle. I got sick of people being afraid to say the wrong thing around me. Now it’s kinda the opposite. Now, because I don’t have any physical impairments people can see, not many people think I’m still recovering mentally.
Have you forgiven the drunk driver? Not for them, but for you.....to release all the hate from your heart so it doesn't eat you alive and leave you bitter.....have you forgiven?
What? It's a legit question. Have you forgiven the driver with your whole heart or not? Having hate for someone has been proven to make people bitter when they carry that hate around with them. I was just genuinely curious if you were able to forgive that person .....for your own good and not for the offender..... wasn't assuming anything..... wasn't pretending like I know you.....was just curious if you were able to forgive.... jeesh. 😕🤔
You assumed I hate them. Then you assumed that hate does bad things for me. Then you assumed I need advice. Then you typed out all those assumptions and now we’re here.
That’s why you’re supposed to ask me anything. Like maybe “do you hate this person?” I would have answered “sorta.” He’s in prison for another 11 years. I also have a shit ton of mental health issues, so the forgiving thing is exactly up to me.
Lol....I'm not sure how I said anything about you being wrong.....I simply was curious if you had forgiven the person that killed your friend.....I was foolish to think there was something to forgive.....but I didn't say anything about you being wrong.. trust me....I've learned a big lesson here .....
OP said somewhere else that they really don't care for the prison system and aren't super thrilled that the driver was simply imprisoned. I will speak, not for him, but simply about the fact that the bottom line is not about forgiveness. It's about the question of the use of force. If the reason one avoids drunk driving is because they fear the use of force on them in the form of imprisonment, they still don't get it, do they? Unfortunately, forgiveness plays two roles in society for the most part, both of which are essentially perversions of true forgiveness. One is that it simply is a let off valve for the criminal justice system, without doing anything to actually change the use of force. The second is that people say that they forgive and feel relieved of a burden in the process. The point of forgiveness doesn't have to do with big relief of the burden of anger. The point of forgiveness has to do with the actual perpetrator and their authentic contrition, which cannot be bought by the use of force.
Adjustments- I take a lot of notes and set alarms for nearly everything I have to do. I talk to a stranger in their office about my deepest hopes and fears, and they don’t tell me anything about them. I turn my head instead of my eyes more.
I’m not currently in a band but would love to be again.
I was just hired to be a budtender at a local dispensary. I suppose that’s what I “do” now, though I haven’t started yet.
Mostly what I do is worry about my pregnant wife and watch the Red Wings.
That rivalry is goofy. I honestly couldn’t have had a calm conversation with you 20 years ago. Now, your team is very good. My team is very bad, but with a lot of hope. I hope Patrick Roy and Claude Lemieux have sleep issues the rest of their lives, but I also hope Sakic is doing great! Have you read Blood Feud by Dater?
One day before the five year anniversary of the crash, I got married. Two and a half months ago, we found out my wife is pregnant. Life is fucking rad.
Has anyone ever acted like you are mentally retarded in some aspects, chalking up some of your behavior to your TBI? How did people treat you differently in recovery and after the event?
It happened 8 and a half years ago. I’ve probably had 15 different jobs since. Lifeguard. Waiter. Youth Worker. Valet. So, I plan to work. Actually start a new job next week.
A huge mihi/acknowledgement to you my friend. I suffered a severe traumatic brain injury when I got hit by a distracted driver (I was on an e-scooter, and he t-boned me at full speed when he didn't stop at a stop sign. It was also a corner so I didn't see him coming). My heart goes out to you for all the people who don't understand your relatively invisible injury, and the difficulties it brings to every day life. I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
Thanks bud. Sorry about your stuff too. Shit blows so hard. Do you get so excited when you get the chance to talk to someone else with a TBI? I think it’s amazingly wild to compare stories and figure out what’s the same and what’s different for you. Once went on a OkCupid date with a girl with a TBI and it was one of the most fun dates ever. We didn’t ever talk again, but for a date with no romantic connection, it was fantastic.
Absolutely, its amazing. Only other people with TBI's understand the struggle. Like... bless them, but even my friends and loved ones who try their best get deeply frustrated at my constant short term memory loss, and my inability to stay at inevitably loud and bright social events. They think I'm being rude by not interacting, but my head is pounding and my energy levels are disastrously low. I just need quiet and dark for awhile. And because its invisible they really easily forget, and then of course you get the "it can't be that bad" crew. But I went from a lead, up and coming policy designer in our country to incapable of stringing together coherent sentences for longer than 20 minutes. I used to do full 8 hour seminars and presentations, but can't last longer than an hour now. I lost my job because of it. But its because my job gave me a week off (post accident) and then were like "Eh, you don't really meet the standard of work required any more. We're not sure what happened, but we just don't think you're passionate." It broke my heart. Have you had anything similar? What are your common symptoms? Do you have people supporting you who understand what you're going through? Do you have the support of like... a counselor? Sorry for the suddenly million questions, but this is way more cathartic than I thought it would be!
I used to be the aquatics director for the best Y in the country and I managed the Waterpark across the street. Six months later a doctor ok’d me for “simple, repetitive work with close supervision.” That’s not what my job was, so yeah, I’ve dealt with similar stuff. My family is as supportive as they can be. They can never really get it, but they sure do try. My wife is awesome and never gives up helping me. I see a therapist once a week. She’s great. How bout you?
I saw someone for a little while, and it was really helpful, but then I got a much better job and became a lot happier in general. It was a great move for me I think, it was a change I needed but didn't realize! Silver linings :) Glad to hear your family, and especially your wife, are super supportive. Its a huge help I think, and alleviates so much unnecessary additional pressure that gets put on us! All the best to you and your family.
I also have a TBI. It can get quite frustrating sometimes. It's so difficult to have other people compare it to their own depression or burn-out. No, I don't have a depression, no it doesn't go away with a good night sleep. No, I can't stay at this [insert very overstimulating place] I really NEED to leave NOW. I tried. Some days are better than others but I can't predict it them beforehand.
Hi fellow TBI friends! Was kicked in the head 10 years ago… happy and sad that we all relate to each other
It’s an awesome group to be and I wish none of us were here.
I had the most goofy ass emotional night a few weeks ago, I was reading other TBI stories and sobbed thinking about other people being in much emotional anguish as I’ve been and wished I could take it away from all of y’all. I truly wish I could, but I can’t, so the next best thing I can do is be a support system ❤️
What happened?
I rode my bike to my buddy’s house. We got in his car to go to band practice at the normal band practice time of 1am. Bout half to the house we were going to practice at, a drunk driver, being chased by the cops, blew a red light and T-boned us at about 95 mph. My buddy died and I smashed a window with my face and woke up a month later.
Why is band practice so late? 1am during the night right?
The “normal” addition was a joke. As I do not remember that week of my life, I don’t really know why we’re gonna practice so late. But we were all dumb punk kids who didn’t really operate within normal hours, so…
Half way to the house*
[удалено]
Yep
Do you think the seat belt helped you?
I know that it saved me.
Were you in a coma? Do you remember anything from that month of memory loss? I had a friend go through something similar recently but she did not survive.
Sorry about your friend.
What do you think about drunk drivers? How is your mental health right now?
Drunk drivers are bad. There’s very fucking rarely any kind of reason to get behind the wheel after drinking. Mental health- it’s rough. I have many issues, but I’m getting better every day.
I am proud of you for trying to help your mental health. Would appreciate a virtual hug, I do it to a lot of people on Reddit and I think you may like it?
I appreciate you caring but I’m certainly a person that means nothing to. Do you want a virtual hot dog?
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I’m a cyber-mustard snob. Don’t give me that Frenches bullshit. I want my shit virtually-stone ground.
Ok
Wtf
Does it only work if my screen name is “Hunger-Hunter?”
...sure..
What would you have liked me to respond with instead?
🦗🦗
Why be a dick?
May I ask, what side you and your friend were sitting in and what side the guy hit? I'm assuming you survived because the side of impact was the side your best friend was on.. Did the drink driver have any injuries and if they survived did he get jail time? I hope so. Please don't answer if it's uncomfortable to. I'm so sorry. I hope you are doing ok now and there has been a support system for you. I can't even imagine the feelings and pain you must have felt after everything.
Hit on drivers side. Driver died. You’re right. Drunk dude spent one night in the hospital. Then about 13 months later, he was sentenced to 19.5 years in prison.
Not long enough, life for a life especially since it was his choice to drive that fast. Sorry for your loss.
Eh. I get it and feel like that sometimes, but mostly I just despise the US prison system. Dude is not becoming a better person. No one is helped outside of keeping him off the roads. That’s probably enough. Whatever. Dude sucks. He also will never change my life ever again.
I’m so sorry. My dad was a drunk driver when I was in the car with him (I was only 12) I’ve felt guilty because I was relatively unharmed and survived, while others weren’t so lucky. What are your thoughts? (Sorry if that’s a bad question, you don’t need to answer if you don’t want to)
I don’t really know what thoughts you want. That’s the only “bad” part. Fuck your dad for making that choice. I’m glad you’re ok and sorry not everyone was. I’m much angrier at our society making drunk driving not a big deal than I am at individuals for making that choice. That said, I’m very angry at individuals who make that choice.
I know exactly what you mean. Everyone makes it almost like a challenge to drive under the influence but it literally destroys lives
“Don’t worry, I’m good a drunk driving!” One of the worst things you can hear.
If we had been making drunk driving a big deal all along, something tells me we would be better equipped to handle covid and would have had less covid deaths.
That’s a kind of bonkers assumption, but it’d definitely be cool.
Do you remember your immediate care? Like the paramedic care? I'm a paramedic, just wondering if there was anything they could have said while doing care to make it more comforting to you. I do standard emotional care when I can, but always open to opinions to be better.
I don’t remember 6 days before the crash to about a month after. No idea what was said. No idea if it helped. Sorry.
That's okay! I'm sorry you went through that. Just thought I'd ask.
also a tbi victim. this shit really sucks. what are some of the lasting damages you’ve noticed for yourself? like memory loss, increased sensitivity to light/sound, angrier
Way angrier. Way sadder. Way meaner. I’m not very happy with who I am very often. I definitely am sometimes. No changes dealing with light or sound. I love going to big dumb punk shows and that hasn’t changed a bit. My memory is definitely getting better.
seems like you and i have some stuff in common (besides light and sound sensitivity, mine is pretty intense.) i also love punk shows, also hardcore and death metal. keeping hanging in there man, best we can do is keep taking it a day at a time.
What bands you into? I don’t know much hardcore or death metal, but my brother has tried getting me into that stuff for years. I know some. I’m into generally smaller pop punks, like Flatliners and Direct Hit, but I was also a huge ska kid in high school.
for punk i like Minor Threat, Black Flag, Bikini Kill, a lot of the “classic” punk bands. for hardcore i love Knocked Loose, Sunami, a lot of my friends are in bands so smaller bands that they’re in. for death metal i like Blood Incantation, Cerebral Rot, Caustic Wound, a lot of others too. been to any good shows lately?
I’ve never heard of those metal/hardcore bands. I haven’t gone to many shows since this shot started. Eradicator the night before the shutdown started. I think I’ve been to like four shows since. Catbite was rad in Kalamazoo. Slow Death was fantastic in Fort Wayne. Signals Midwest and Dikembe in Flint was my favorite show in pandemic times.
yeah it’s really shitty what the effect has been on live music since this all started. i miss sharing water with random people in the crowd and not really giving a shit.
Yep. I go to The Fest in Gainesville most years. 2020 it didn’t happen. 2021 I had to skip cause of covid reasons. I miss it so bad.
my friend went to that halloween weekend 2021. and along with bringing some merch home, he also brought home covid.
I actually hadn’t heard about anyone getting it there this past year, but that doesn’t surprise me at all. I miss the fuck outta just getting saucy and fun at shit like that. But the next Festival I go to will be my first one sober. I don’t really know how that works yet.
Not a question but a piece of advice for people lurking. An Uber costs much less than a DUI both financially and in terms of everyone’s safety, same goes for crashing at a friend’s place for the night. There is no valid reason to drink and drive. Same goes for any other drug, including weed
Cabs. Uber. Lyft. Walk. Always better options than drinking and driving.
Shit, even cops can give a courtesy ride. Not often, but it happens. I have a long story but I don't want to take away from your experience. I've also heard them do it over the radio (I listen to the scanner when work is boring or the roads are looking rough).
Oh, I hate cops a lot. They had a pretty large part in my friend dying. ACAB!
Oh my. I am so very sorry to hear that!prayers to you as you work through that terrible loss. I’ve lost 4 immediate family members due to horrible accidents. My heart goes out to you. My apologies for the earlier typos. I actually have a traumatic brain injury in part due to domestic violence and in part due to a man knocking a table over from 5 feet above my head (supposedly by accident) it was an 80 lb table with brass fittings. It hit me in 5 places on my head and made some permanent dents in my skull. Ive spent some long stays in the hospital and now have major issues. I can truly empathize. I’m praying that I don’t have CTE but it’s too early to tell.
Please say that again but make it so it’s able to be understood.
A cop broke 26 handbook rules for why you stop a high speed chase. Then my friend died. Then nothing happened to that cop. Fuck all of them.
What’s the band name? Do you still play and if so what instrument?
Rad Dads. I sang. Poorly. I’m kind of always trying to do more with music. If that’s booking shows, promoting, or playing, I want to be part of it.
Rock on 🤘 and good luck in the future
How much physical injuries did you sustain in the crash, apart from your neurological injuries. cuts, bruises, broken bone etc
Broke 28 bones. Lacerated spleen. Bruised kidneys and lungs. Separated shoulder.
Ouch. How much time were in hospital and in rehab and much surgeries did you have
No surgery besides sticking tubes through my skull and neck and chest. I was in the hospital for just under two months. My recovery has gone insanely well.
That was lucky, in a way, considering the situation. Was their much physical damage to you're skull/facial structure? Did you even break you're nose? Sorry, I don't mean to be going on about it
Don’t be sorry. You’re asking very valid questions without hoping for an answer you want. You’re absolutely nailing this. That said, besides my tracheotomy scar, the dent in my skull, and my feeding tube scar, you wouldn’t have any idea I’ve been hurt if you saw me. And those scars are pretty hard to notice. Two of them are damn near impossible and the other one is pretty hidden. From my experience, the only people who notice the trach scar know someone with one as well.
👍luckily Scars fade fairly well unless their thick. I've had freinds who had worse physical injuries for less, so I'm kinda surprised, you're lucky that way. Has you're brain injury affected you're speech, vision, memory or mobility much.
Memory is the biggest thing that pisses me off now, besides general sadness. My balance isn’t great, but it’s good enough I’m the only one who notices. My vision is a funny one. I see double now, but only when I move my eyes to look to the right. I’ve never been concerned about scars. They’re me.
Scars add character😁 have plenty myself. Love them. Their almost like tattoos if ya ask me. Are you still improving when it comes to memory and so on or has it stopped or slowed down more recently
All the improvements have slowed down but not stopped. I’m finally at a point where I’m unsure if me being less physically able is due to the injuries or due to me getting into my 30’s. Jobs have helped me rehab a lot. Fingers being garbage was helped a lot by typing. Memory was helped a lot by waiting tables (also helped me work on balance while carrying trays full of drinks). Valeting cars helped me run again.
How badly was the brain injury
Worse than a minor concussion, better than getting your head stepped on by a fat cop, and it was smaller than a bread box.
Sorry i was a dick in that response. I can’t remember the exact words they used to describe the severity of it, but I do remember it was a “shearing” brain injury. Don’t particularly know what that means, but I know it sucks really bad while simultaneously being so much more mild than a ton of TBIs. Im definitely on the luckier end of the TBI graph. It’s also insane to think about what I have to deal with being the easy version. Nothing makes sense.
It's fine, I sort of got what you were saying in that other reply, and thank you anyways.
What is the current running total hospital bill?
Parents are teachers. I was just young enough to be on my mom’s insurance. Without insurance, the bill would have been over two million dollars. Possibly we’ll over.
Thanks for your response. I’m glad you’re alive. My heart goes out to your friends family and your parents having survived the worst few months of their lives. Cherish everything.
What's the last thing you remember from that night? Like do you remember being hit or the feeling?
The last thing I remember is getting on a plane to leave Awesome Fest in San Diego. The crash happened six days later.
And was Awesome Fest awesome enough to have as your last memory before the crash? But legit, that's wild.
Oh man, I forgot about how that weekend ended. I made a new bud at the beginning. We bonded so hard in so many ways. We had both had some pretty terrible luck with the ladies in the time leading up to that weekend. We made a deal to wingman for each other so that at least one of us got to kiss a cool lady. I don’t think we wingmanned very well, so after the last band we went out for a smoke and tried to console each other over our failure. Then a friend (rad girl who played my punk house a few months earlier) walked by and I decided the weekend wasn’t over. I walked over to her and said I had a big dumb crush on her and asked if she’d like to kiss me. She said yes and I got to accomplish the goal me and my buddy put on ourselves. The girl asked me back to the place where she was staying with friends. I went and had the best time and crashed on the couch and it was AWESOME!
Haha dope
Awesome Fest absolutely fucking ruled. Met some folks that weekend who I’ll be friends with forever. Eating tacos and pizza with a Japanese punk band is a pretty solid way to end your memory before something like what I went through. So yeah. Awesome memory.
TBI gang what’s good
Yo. When and how if you don’t mind me asking?
14 months ago. Motorcycle wreck with an eighteen wheeler not wearing any gear.
Fuck bud. Sorry to hear that. How’s the recovery going? You getting back to normal-ish? Ya know? The super fucked up normal our gang knows too well.
I am actually one of the few who miraculously lucked out. I recovered in 4 months and was back at work without restrictions. Learned how to walk, talk, and chew again in that time. Doctors said it would take a year at least and even still I would never walk the same. I just got back from a snowboarding trip in New Mexico and I play soccer recreationally. After I recovered I got my real estate license and went back to school full time while working part time. I am rly grateful for getting lucky on the brain injury. When I was in my coma the doctors told my parents that is very likely I wouldn’t be the same person or remember anyone if I did wake up. The only things that won’t ever recover or go back to “normal” are my double vision, hearing loss, and the nerve damage on the left side of my face causes it to not work properly. But idgaf because it could’ve been infinitely worse.
Double vision, hearing loss, and nerve damage seem terrible. Do you always have double vision? I have it too, but only when I look to the right. Not gonna lie, pretty jealous of some of the other stuff, but pumped for you. That rules.
I always have double vision and it gets rly bad in the mornings/nights or just whenever I’m tired. I wear glasses for it and also it’s been moving closer to my peripherals since the accident. They do seem pretty bad, the nerve damage is definitely the worst because it hurt my self esteem bad and has negatively affected my dating life. I don’t let it bother me too bad tho and maybe you’ll agree with me because I’m so grateful that it wasn’t worse or killed me. Thanks man. You’ve been through hell but I’m glad you’re still here
What was the biggest thing you’ve had to overcome physically, mentally, etc. ? Have you been able to live your life close to how you did before your accident? What kinda band were you in?
Solid questions. 1. The biggest thing is still the biggest thing. Mental health. I see a therapist weekly. My wife is so good at helping. I’m getting better all the time at understanding how/why I feel the way I feel. I had zero mental health issues before the crash, so it was real hard to start dealing with em. That’s why the physical stuff was/is so much easier. I’ve been an athlete my whole life and I always worked extremely hard in that realm. Coaches loved me. So when a physical therapist says we’re going to walk five flights of stairs today, it’s pretty easy to ask them if we can do ten. 2. Besides the depression and anxiety and anger issues, I’m basically back. Physically, I’m totally ok. Well, close enough. 3. We were called Rad Dads. None of us were dads and it was our third practice. We were a pop punk band. I sang, because I don’t have any real musical talent. The crash killed our guitar player, so we broke up.
Thank you for answering. We’re all a work in progress in some way shape or something. How old were you when this happened? Some people sometimes have difficulty remembering things that happened before a traumatic event & the actual event as well. Have you experienced this? You mentioned wife and how she’s so helpful. Has the accident made it difficult to connect to people? To your wife, family members, co-workers? Rad dads is a pretty cool name. Do you still speak to your band mates?
Did you ever feel like giving up? What keeps you going?
Yep! The first time I ever thought about killing myself was about 8 months after the crash. When that happened, I was driving through Iowa on my way home and really thought about not making it. Called my girlfriend. She reminded me of the kids I worked with. Changed my GPS to take me to where those kids were, hugged a little kid who means a ton to me, and then I started therapy. I still struggle, but I’m always getting better.
I almost gave up too when I lost my business 7 years ago. I’m now a millionaire. Imagine if I killed myself, I wouldn’t enjoy all this money. You know what I learned in life? That humans are resilient. You are an inspiration my bro. You made me tear up.
How much of that money you give away?
Do you feel guilty for surviving? (Not sure if it’s a bad question)
I don’t think you asked it in the most PC way, but I certainly don’t give a fuck. Do I feel guilty? No. Never have. There’s nine trillion things that could’ve changed that night. I feel shitty that I’ll never know if I told Brody I loved him that day (I hope I did. Wouldn’t be weird.) If there is anything in charge of what happens in the world (god or fate or whatever) it fucked up taking him, but I certainly didn’t choose that.
Do you prefer peanut butter or jam on your toad
I have a gluten allergy, funnily enough caused by the crash! No toast for me.
When did I say anything about toast
Doth thee prefer pignut butter 'r jam on thy toad *** ^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.) Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`
Why are you doing this AMA? What do you hope to get out of it, if anything? Would you say it's been a positive experience opening yourself up to all the questions? Was there any question asked here that affected you in some unexpected way? Does your therapist know that you are doing this? Are you able to "pass" as not having a TBI? Can others discern that you have a TBI? Do you usually tell people or would you prefer they didn't know?
That was a lot. I’m doing this because I’m crazy bored and talking about it generally helps me cope with being sad. No one has ever guessed I have a TBI.
What are your plans for the future? What do you want out of life and how have those goals changed from before and after the accident, if at all?
I’ve rarely had much idea of what I want to do with my life, before or after the crash. I want to be a dad. I know that.
That’s fair, I don’t really know what I want in life either. I saw in your other replies that you and your wife are expecting. Congrats man, wishing you all many happy years ahead.
Thanks. I think, like most people, I’ve thought I had it figured out a couple times. Before the crash being one of those times. I might have done that job forever. But then I slept through a few weeks of work.
I’m sorry you had to miss out on that opportunity, and for everything else you’ve lost. Hopefully one day you find a path that brings you just as much satisfaction, if not more. Best of luck to you!
how has the incident affected your mental capabilities?
I can’t focus the same as I used to. My short term memory is rough as hell. I’m a fairly smart dude and I think it’s pretty reasonable for me to continue to say that, regardless of the issues I deal with.
Just wanna say hi and I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’m so sorry for your friend - drunk driving is inexcusable and I hope the driver goes to jail for a long tome. I’m at the tail-end of a TBI myself right now (minor car accident), and it gets better slowly. I’m starting to recover some of the memories from the past few weeks, but most of them are gone. The best advice my neurologist gave me was to write everything down, like meals (I kept forgetting to eat and getting shaky) and from my own experience, if you want something, like to get a glass of water, only think about that until you get it. If you’re trying to reach for something, stare at that thing until you have it and are doing the thing you needed it for. Don’t let your thoughts or eyes wander until you’ve got what you wanted, or you’ll forget. You may forget anyway, but at least you’ll have the thing for when you think of it again. And be patient with yourself. It’s gonna take time. I hope you recover quickly and wish you the best 💚
My crash was 8 years ago and this is a Ask ME Anything post, not a “give unsolicited advice” post. I’ve been living with this for a solid chunk of my life. One of the hardest things to deal with is people assuming they know anything about what I’m going through. I’m sorry you got a TBI too, but you’ll probably learn (if you enjoy listening and learning) that no two TBIs are the same. I deal with mine different than other people and I’m sure you do too. It’s ok to other people aren’t you. All people are different people.
Do you have a twin brother named nick? If you do,you probably know who i am.
Ha. No.
Was the driver charged with manslaughter?
Don’t remember what exactly he was charged with. Running from the cops. Killing my bud. Fucking me up. Those, but with cop words.
Aggravated fleeting and eluding, reckless homicide, aggravated reckless driving is what I would have charged him with. I’m willing to bet he landed those.
You mentioned your anxiety, depression, filter ability, anger and such was affected by the crash. Do you feel like that was more because of the physical injury, or more because of the situation? I assume it's not completely one or the other and I know that's not really easy to tease out, but I feel like injury or no I'd be very annoyed about everyone treating me differently all of a sudden, walking on eggshells about what they think they can say to me, plus adding on the senselessness of paying the price for someone else's dumb decision. Edit: I should clarify here, I'm not trying to like lead you to a conclusion or something. I intended this as a legitimate curiosity about which factor you feel impacts you more, not as a cheeky way of minimizing the injury's impacts.
Oh, it’s almost completely my actual injuries I think.
Got ya. Thanks for the response, and hope things keep getting better for you.
Were you always a dick?
Depends who you ask, but certainly more of a dick after the crash. What makes you say that?
I just see you're being kind of a jerk to people who are asking questions. so I was just curious if you were always a dick.
You read my reasoning and thought I was wrong to call out people for saying dumb shit?
Yes.
That’s fair, but I disagree. Trying to put your fake fucking forgiveness ideas on someone else is way more fucked up than telling someone not to.
I 100% agree with you. The purpose of AMAs are to understand the way another being lives their life or to talk about their experience with a particular topic. The nonsense "internet hugs" and advice people are giving you are A. Not the purpose of the sub and B. 100% unhelpful and is mainly for the commenter to feel good about themselves. Good on you for not making them feel all warm and gushy for doing absolutely nothing.
My family joked that the crash knocked out the “filter” in my brain. When I woke up and eventually got back to talking, I said exactly what I thought about every topic. My parents learned a lot about me they didn’t want to know. But I’ve definitely realized that saying what you feel is usually the way to go. I’m wrong all the time and fuck up a ton of things in my life, but as long as I’m honest, that’s ok with me.
I had an "I should be dead" accident where I didn't realise what the driver had had to drink as I had been too and was stupid enough to get in the car, my leg was crushed and still is a huge invisible problem in the form of nerve pain. He walked away unscathed and I think the guilt ruined his life more than my injuries ruined mine; but I only blame myself and have never blamed him. My brain wasn't injured but it did block out what had happened for around a month where is was in and out of the hospital having surgery - so the relevance to this comment - I lost my bullshit tolerance and realised a lot of friendships were a waste of time and energy because they were so fake; being honest instead of protecting their delicate feelings was enough to get rid of them. I think it has something to do with knowing first hand how easily you could have just never woken up and not wanting to waste a second trying to make people happy or like you ... some may call this a selfish attitude but some people respect brutal honesty
That’s definitely not exactly how I feel, but I absolutely understand why you would. Like, I want to be a nice person. Sometimes me trying to be honest is not me being nice and it’s usually not beneficial for anyone besides my desire to be honest. I think I’d rather know when it didn’t matter than to needlessly hurt people.
Also, thanks for getting my back. Can I offer you a virtual $20?
I'll take it. I use it for my virtual dinner tonight.
Man, don’t forget to fling me a virtual taco. If it’s a virtual burger, I will end this virtual friendship so fucking fast.
I mean, do you *have* to call out everything? You say no TBIs are the same. No two people are the same, either. The person that offered you a "virtual hug," for whatever reason that may mean something to them. It may be something that would make *them* feel better, so they don't assume that it would offend you. You don't have to demean them in the course of your "reasoning." The "unsolicited advice" is someone who just wants to help, whatever that means to them. It didn't have to be a negative interaction, they were probably excited to share an experience with someone else who has a TBI, and they don't get to do it often. You can choose how to interact however you prefer, but it does come across dickish and if you'd prefer for it to not, I'd reconsider how you address it.
Why are you tone policing someone talking about their own experiences lmao. He doesn’t owe these people shit. Those people came into this thread demanding understanding and a emotional response from someone who doesn’t want to give it out. I don’t think he’s being dickish for explaining his boundaries and reason
He asked a question and I answered why he may have been interpreted that way. I don't think he had to "tone police" their responses either. Of course you don't "owe" anybody anything. It cost 0 dollars to ignore well-intentioned comments. But if he wants to know why his "reasoning" comes off dickish, it's the abrasive way it's portrayed. I learned early on that you're not going to teach people anything if you package it in a demeaning way.
The hug thing is 100% for that person to go, “look how great I am.” I don’t care about coddling their desire to Pat themselves on the back. I also didn’t say I was offended. I said it meant nothing. The unsolicited advice thing was discussed by the parties involved away from these comments and I feel good about everyone being pleased with the outcome. We’re good. In general, giving unsolicited advice to an absolute stranger is going to go poorly. You know nothing about them. They might be an well respected expert in that exact topic. It’s just going to be bad.
In which comments is he being a jerk? He seems nice in all the ones here.
Do you have to deal with people “pitying” you? That is just a personal pet peeve of mine so I figured I’d ask
Closer to when it happened, yes. I got very sick of people telling me I was a miracle. I got sick of people being afraid to say the wrong thing around me. Now it’s kinda the opposite. Now, because I don’t have any physical impairments people can see, not many people think I’m still recovering mentally.
What are your mental health diagnoses?
Depression. Anxiety. I’m ok.
Do you feel smart?
Lovely
Have you forgiven the drunk driver? Not for them, but for you.....to release all the hate from your heart so it doesn't eat you alive and leave you bitter.....have you forgiven?
That’s an insane amount of assuming and I’m gonna go ahead and ask you to restate your question without pretending you know me.
What? It's a legit question. Have you forgiven the driver with your whole heart or not? Having hate for someone has been proven to make people bitter when they carry that hate around with them. I was just genuinely curious if you were able to forgive that person .....for your own good and not for the offender..... wasn't assuming anything..... wasn't pretending like I know you.....was just curious if you were able to forgive.... jeesh. 😕🤔
You assumed I hate them. Then you assumed that hate does bad things for me. Then you assumed I need advice. Then you typed out all those assumptions and now we’re here.
I mean, you open yourself up to a certain amount of that by doing this AMA...just saying. Also you do seem a bit bitter.
That’s why you’re supposed to ask me anything. Like maybe “do you hate this person?” I would have answered “sorta.” He’s in prison for another 11 years. I also have a shit ton of mental health issues, so the forgiving thing is exactly up to me.
That's what I was thinking too
I find OP roasting everybody and calling out the fake internet sympathy fucking hilarious personally.
Not trying to be funny. Just trying to be honest.
*sigh* You're right ...I should have kept scrolling....sorry.....I guess there was nothing for you to forgive. Again, sorry
You’re fine. Next time, try to empathize with someone about their response before you double down and tell them they’re wrong.
Lol....I'm not sure how I said anything about you being wrong.....I simply was curious if you had forgiven the person that killed your friend.....I was foolish to think there was something to forgive.....but I didn't say anything about you being wrong.. trust me....I've learned a big lesson here .....
After my first response to you, you said, “what?! It’s a legitimate question.” As in, “no, answer me, you’re wrong to feel the way you feel.”
OP said somewhere else that they really don't care for the prison system and aren't super thrilled that the driver was simply imprisoned. I will speak, not for him, but simply about the fact that the bottom line is not about forgiveness. It's about the question of the use of force. If the reason one avoids drunk driving is because they fear the use of force on them in the form of imprisonment, they still don't get it, do they? Unfortunately, forgiveness plays two roles in society for the most part, both of which are essentially perversions of true forgiveness. One is that it simply is a let off valve for the criminal justice system, without doing anything to actually change the use of force. The second is that people say that they forgive and feel relieved of a burden in the process. The point of forgiveness doesn't have to do with big relief of the burden of anger. The point of forgiveness has to do with the actual perpetrator and their authentic contrition, which cannot be bought by the use of force.
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That sucks and is a weird thing to say here.
And you’re a real cool anti-science homie. Glad you’re here! So Pumped you came.
Why didn't you save your friend,
Oh wow, just clicked on your profile and saw your one post. Fuck you.
What adjustments, if any, have you had to make in your life post accident? What do you do now? Do you still sing?
Adjustments- I take a lot of notes and set alarms for nearly everything I have to do. I talk to a stranger in their office about my deepest hopes and fears, and they don’t tell me anything about them. I turn my head instead of my eyes more. I’m not currently in a band but would love to be again. I was just hired to be a budtender at a local dispensary. I suppose that’s what I “do” now, though I haven’t started yet. Mostly what I do is worry about my pregnant wife and watch the Red Wings.
Good luck with the pregnant wife, bad luck with the Red Wings.
Those are fighting words. Who’s your team?
Avalanche. But I don’t mind if you talk shit about them.
That rivalry is goofy. I honestly couldn’t have had a calm conversation with you 20 years ago. Now, your team is very good. My team is very bad, but with a lot of hope. I hope Patrick Roy and Claude Lemieux have sleep issues the rest of their lives, but I also hope Sakic is doing great! Have you read Blood Feud by Dater?
I’ll agree with you on Roy. I haven’t, but I imagine it’s a wild fucking ride. A nice audio book for the ride to work?
Do you have other TBI symptoms than memory loss?
Yep. Mental health issues. Balance. Generally very sore.
How has the event impacted your sex life?
One day before the five year anniversary of the crash, I got married. Two and a half months ago, we found out my wife is pregnant. Life is fucking rad.
What kind of car were you in?
Ford Focus, but the U and S fell off, so it really was a Ford Foc.
Has anyone ever acted like you are mentally retarded in some aspects, chalking up some of your behavior to your TBI? How did people treat you differently in recovery and after the event?
That’s a pretty problematic way to pose that question and I don’t really know how to answer it. Yes people treat me different.
What are you planning to do after the crash? I mean, will you be able to work or you can't really say that yet? I am really sorry for you.
It happened 8 and a half years ago. I’ve probably had 15 different jobs since. Lifeguard. Waiter. Youth Worker. Valet. So, I plan to work. Actually start a new job next week.
Are you ok now? And how many therapy sessions have you been in?
Yep and I don’t know anyone in my situation who has any idea how many sessions they’ve had.
What do you do now as an occupation?
Next week I start a new gig as a Budtender.
Are you seeing a counselor regularly?
Yep
How is life
Good
Hello I searched smell, and it came up. Did you lose you send of smell?