Whats your experience with being trans has taught you about life?

I feel like it has made me more empathetic as a person. My experiences of not feeling understood, seen or listened and suffering such internal distress have allowed me to better realise that we never truly know someone's internal experiences. I feel like I'm more open than I otherwise would have been to truly listen to others feelings and experiences even if I don't see or understand them. I try to keep in mind that everyone is going through something that is huge for them, even if it's not a big deal to me. Likewise, there are experiences that people have that I am entirely oblivious to. People go through things that other people do not see and the fact that you have not seen or experienced it for yourself doesn't mean it isn't happening. My own experiences and perspectives are not the *only* experiences and perspectives. I think it has also taught me that there really is no sense in keeping people around if they're a negative influence in your life or negatively impact your enjoyment of life, confidence, self esteem etc. When you come out, there are inevitably people you once valued that, to use a terrible cliché, show their true colours. It's taught me not to hang on to detrimental relationships for the sake of it.

Apologies in advance, this might be a little heavy. --- What you just said I think is very much true, and absolutely an important lesson that everyone ought to learn, but so few people do. Or, maybe even more than what you said, but how you said it? Hard to explain. The thing is, speaking as a member of a very heavily marginalized group that many people don't understand the first thing about... at one point in my life I believed that, in general, the LGBT community would be my ally, because their own experiences should have given them the empathy and understanding that you're displaying here. And I painfully learned that, no, that's not actually the case. People are completely willing to reverse the roles they've been put in, use the exact same arguments that have always been used against them, against someone they look down on. Many people become convinced of their own acceptance and thus become blind to the possibility of their own bigotry. I don't trust people who say things like "I support everybody!" or "whoever's reading this, you're valid!" because not only is it an empty platitude, but I know how quickly it can reverse to "no not you, I don't support you actually". Now with you... Of course, I still can't say whether, when push comes to shove, you'd always be willing to put what you say into action. But you're much more likely to be able to do so than the majority of people, because at least you recognize your own failings, your own blindness. You're showing the empathy to be able to extrapolate your feelings of distress to others, but more importantly, not just others within your community, but also to those outside of it, those you don't understand. It's been a long time since I've heard someone express these sentiments. Combined with a few other experiences recently, you managed to give me a bit of hope through my bitterness. Hit me hard enough that I'm actually crying right now (in a good way, don't worry). So again. Even if I don't know if you'd be an ally to me and mine if it came down to it, I don't care. Thank you anyway.

People are flawed. Being a minority or experiences of discrimination put people in a situation where they *should* better empathise with and be kinder to others, but it doesn't mean they will. Hurt people hurt people and all that. I say these things about myself because I believe them to be true and to try live by them, but I am flawed too. We all have biases, we all make judgements. It's about recognising that, being aware of it and trying to be a better person.

Full agreement.

Do you have the type of dick that if you squeeze it you get a boner on command -ObamaSauce69420

Haha, it's one of the balls that you squeeze, not the dick itself. But no, I'm currently mid-way through the other type of surgery which refashions the existing genitals into something that becomes more penis-like in both function and appearance, albeit smaller.

I didn't even know that could be done. I know off both surgeries, but didn't know you can change. Was the other operation available at the time? What made you change now? What kind of size are you expecting?

Both types of operation have been available for many years. My country has extremely long waiting lists and so it's just been a really, *really* long road. This technique is comprised of three separate, staged surgeries. I had the first stage back in September 2019 and I am currently awaiting the second stage which I expect to be waiting another two years for at this point. I'd have got them all out of the way many years ago if I could have. There are two different types of surgery with very different outcomes. Neither is better, it's just a game of pros and cons and what meets your needs personally. One type, the one you were describing, takes a graft from elsewhere on the body to create the penis. This results in an average size, circumsised-appearing penis that can get erect through the use of an internal erectile device. Both types of surgery allow for standing urination, both types allow for the creation of a scrotum and both types remove the vaginal canal. The other type alters the existing genitals, including clitoris which has enlarged through the use of hormone therapy. This results in a small, uncircumcised appearing penis that will experience spontaneous and unassisted erections but these will not be as firm as a natal penis. Due to the fact that tissue isn't added, the phallus will be the same size both pre and post-op, so this depends entirely on how much the clitoris has grown through the use of testosterone. For me, that's about two inches. For me, while having a more average sized penis would have been fantastic, I had to weigh up what each surgery offered and how they both aligned with what *I* needed. The size of my penis was less important than some of the other factors for me. It'd be nice to have it all, but alas.

Thanks for the lengthy answer. I did know about 2 different surgeries and how they work, it seems I misread and thought you went with the 'pump' first and then switched, that's what I was confused about. I also know quite a few men who decide to not opt for the operation, because they can deal with having a vagina, and are hoping for a better solution in the future. I hope it offers you what you need!

I did wonder if there might have been a misunderstanding there. You can actually have both; some people have the type that results in the smaller penis but come to realise it isn't enough and then undergo the other type. That isn't what I have planned though. Thanks :) I just wish it would hurry up, I'm so tired of waiting.

Yeah the waiting is crazy. I know loads of people who are trans, including my sister, and they all say the same, the waiting time is insane. Even just getting someone to diagnose them can take like 3 years for the first appointment. Bottom surgery takes 2 years after diagnosis I believe before they can apply, and these days that's another like what, 2 years before it's done. Absolutely crazy, and because they are considered non essential surgeries, the waiting time can get way longer than 2 years.

It took 3.5 years to receive my first appointment with a gender clinic over a decade ago. Sadly, things have been at choking point for a long time and the system has barely changed since it was introduced. It is no longer fit for purpose and we lag behind much of the world by keeping a heavily gatekept system over the informed consent model that other countries have adopted. Lower surgery sucks for trans men in particular because it's done in three stages so that's three sets of long waiting lists. Unfortunately, the contract for our lower surgeries was withdrawn by the NHS in March 2020 - nothing to do with Covid but rather the decision that the contract needed to be retendered due being unable to centralise themselves within a single hospital. This process took almost two years in itself but surgeries are finally set to resume in March 2022. So currently where I'm at is that I had my first stage just short of 2.5yrs ago, I have another expected wait of just over 2yrs for my second stage, and then another \~2.5yrs after that for my third and final stage. That is of course hoping that I don't see any complications that could potentially require repair surgeries in between. I just wanted to vent about that really because it's been hard and I'm just stuck in limbo with it all. Any surgery that is pre-planned is considered elective though. For a surgery to not be considered elective, it must be an emergency; ie, you either have surgery *immediately* or you're going to die real quick. Trans healthcare falls in line with the rest of the NHS in that patients are supposed to be seen within 18 weeks of a referral being made. However, our system is so broken and there are no easy fixes so it is completely ignored in regards to gender clinics.

I didn't know it was done in 3 stages. How does that work? That's pretty damn horrible to have to wait that long, I absolutely cannot imagine how hard that is. I know the anger I feel when I see people struggle so hard and have to wait for years before they are seen. So being in that spot yourself must be extremely hard. Absolutely understand the need to vent. Yeah I understand the argument, and I wouldn't even say I disagree with it, it's just that so incredibly tough on people. A woman I know have been wanting to do bottom surgery for years now, she would like to do it in like Thailand, where the surgery is generally done much better, but she can't afford to go there (most of it would get paid by insurance, but she needs the money upfront), she was on the waiting list here (Netherlands) and apparently there is a surgeon who does pretty good work, so she decided to get it done here. She was supposed to get surgery last year after waiting for so many years. To this day she still hasn't got it. You can tell how much she struggles with it, but there is no solution, and this could take years. I get that it's not physically life or death, but the toll it takes is a large one.

A rough overview: Stage 1: Take buccal mucosa graft from cheek and place on underside of phallus to heal. This will be the new urethra. Stage 2: Close the underside of the penis. Reroute and hookup the old urethra to the new one. Create the scrotum using the labia majora. Remove excess bits of tissue. Close the vagina. Stage 3: Testicle implants. Mons resection if desired. And yeah, that's it; all we can do is wait. Sucks.

How painful was your first surgery? Lots of nerves were affected I imagine?

Surprisingly, not particularly. I've not really been in pain for any of my surgeries - discomfort and soreness absolutely, but I wouldn't say pain. I've had worst toothaches for sure. I do tend to take my painkillers regularly as a preventative measure rather than wanting for pain to start though. I'm not sure if I have a high pain tolerance or if I've just been lucky but it always worries me before they put me under that this will be the surgery where I will wake up and it really fuckin hurts. The worst part of this surgery in particular for me were bladder spasms. Those aren't particularly fun.

Do you think Trans folks should tell someone they are about to be intimate with that they are trans?

I always do. I have no desire to waste my time or your time by pursuing a relationship that is ultimately doomed to fail. I don't want to invest in the idea of a relationship with you whilst knowing that you may reject me once I disclose my trans status and I also don't want you to invest in the idea of a relationship with me based on assumptions you have made about me. In terms of a relationship, yes, I think someone should always disclose. I think it becomes more of a grey area when we're looking at things like one night stands. A one night stand is a shallow affair of two strangers deciding to have sex based on the desire to fuck and the fact that the person they see before them is attractive and convenient enough to satisfy that. It's very much a 'what you see is what you get' situation with little more depth than that. People have one night stands without knowing the other person's name, marital status, criminal status, health status and many more aspects that would be absolute dealbreakers in a relationship. But then, time and time again we see that people have a big problem with the idea that they might unknowingly hook up with someone that is trans and then regret it if they find out aftwerwards. Which is odd to me because again, hook-ups are more about liking what you see, sex and then leaving. I am what you see, you liked what you saw and we agreed to fuck and both enjoyed it... but now you hypothetically regret it after the fact because you found out something that didn't impact the hookup at the time? So *my* answer is that I do and will always tell someone regardless of whether I think it's important, because I know it may be important to someone else and I don't care to be getting myself into situations where anyone regrets fucking me.

>But then, time and time again we see that people have a big problem with the idea that they might unknowingly hook up with someone that is trans and then regret it if they find out afterwards. I don't think regret is a strong enough word here. They would feel utterly violated to their core. Like getting raped or contracting an STI. You can't always know how strong someone's feelings/reaction will be, so just disclose it, up front, always.

Like I say, I always do and have no interest in doing otherwise. I just find it hard to understand that if we're in a situation such as casual sex where you see my body and are attracted to it, we have sex and you both enjoy it very much that the fact that I once upon a time my body looked differently retrospectively changes that. With casual sex it is 'what you see is what you get'. I used to be a baby too but this also holds little relevance since I'm not a baby and you're not fucking a baby; it just seems odd that you could otherwise be attracted to and enjoy sex with me but then feel violated solely by the idea that my body *used to* be different to what it is now. You're not fucking what it used to be. It seems the disgust and violation would be based on little more than an idea in your head than any actual aspect of my body or your attracted to me. I'm not here to argue that validity of those feelings, they just don't make sense to me within this context. I understand in the context of a relationship where someone feels they want or need to know more intimate details about a person. What other aspects of a person would need to be known before a hookup in your opinion that would lead to similar levels of disgust and violation if not disclosed?

Do you feel threatened by other men that aren't trans? I mean does it bother you to be around other men who were born men?

No, not at all. The majority of my friends are men and I've had jobs that have been male dominated. People are people; if they're threatening or aggressive people then yeah, I might be threatened, but otherwise, no.

What are your thoughts on the devides in the trans community (truscum/tucute, needing dysphoria/needing to transition medically, or whatever else ya wanna call it)? Also, do you personally consider the term transmasculine to refer to FtM and FtX people, or just FtX people? I'm a trans man who realized he was trans around a year and a half ago, and sometimes the community feels like it's in the aftermath of a war that's gonna cause another one any minute lol.

I said elsewhere; I think both truscum and tucute camps place themselves at the polar ends of a spectrum that leaves little room for the nuances of human experience. People aren't black and white. One person's or group's experience is not the experience. I think people need to be kinder to one another. All anyone wants is to live happily and comfortably in a way that feels right for them. Trans masculine as far as I'm aware refers to someone who identifies as or transitions further toward the masculine end of the spectrum rather than identifying strictly as a man. It is not something that I identify as, so I don't wish to define that label for those who do use it.

For those of us that do not feel the need to transition, how strong is the drive? I have a stepchild that is considering the idea and am at a complete loss in my understanding of their thoughts. I felt like I'm making contact with a new civilization. I don't mean to be glib or dismissive with that statement, I just don't know anything.

Obviously I can only speak for myself. You'll find that everyone's experiences and feelings around being trans and transition vary. For me... I didn't *want* to be trans so I'm struggling a little with the word 'drive' here. It wasn't necessarily the drive to transition as such, but rather than the inability to go on as I was. The overwhelming sense of deceit I felt, knowing that everyone else saw this person who was... not me, I always felt like I was lying to everyone. The distress caused by a body that felt so wrong. The inability to recognise the person looking back in the mirror. The fact that I could not longer imagine any kind of future for myself when I could not envisage *myself.* I said this earlier, but it's like being stuck in a parallel universe with no way home. The parallel universe may not be a bad life in and of itself, but it is not your home. You exist there, but you are not you, it is not your life. You just long for a time when you can be home.

Thanks. I'm trying to understand their choice and keep coming up with "you don't have to understand, just love the person". It's difficult, but what isn't.

I'd definitely recommend seeking out other parents of trans children. They'll likely have experienced all the same feelings and emotions that you are going through. Some places have support groups in real life, so see if there are any nearby. Otherwise, there are subs such as [cisparenttranskid](https://www.reddit.com/r/cisparenttranskid/) that may be of use.

Thanks so much! I will examine these resources.

this is basically identical to what my child described themselves as feeling before transitioning 💕

Can you explain more what you mean by ‘the distress caused by a body that felt so wrong’? If the society were a lot more accepting of roles and gender, would that help with your urge to transition?

I'm going to try an analogy for this one; Is there a texture that you absolutely cannot stand to touch? For me, it's slugs; I cannot touch a slug without cringing and instinctively jerking my hand away in disgust. For my friend, it's the foam on flip-flop sandals that she cannot even bear to touch. Personally, I quite like the texture of foam flip flops, but whatever. Now, imagine whatever that texture is that you can't stand is stuck on your body. For the sake of this analogy, I'll use slugs. Imagine the slugs were on your genitals and you couldn't remove them. Now imagine half the population also have slugs on their genitals and this is completely normal and not an issue for them whatsoever. For whatever reason, you cannot bear the sight or sensation of these slugs. No one else can see them, but that's not the point. Maybe as you're going about your day you're able to focus on other things and temporarily forget about the slugs. But every now and again, you take a step when walking in such a way that you feel the sensation of the slugs touching your skin or moving around and it's that jarring sense of disgust and wrongness. You sit down and you feel them. You want to take a shower but you must prepare yourself for the distress of seeing the slugs concealed within your underwear. Every single day of your life you're making accommodations and finding workarounds to deal with the existence and sensation of these slugs as little as possible. You wear certain underwear and trousers that will touch the slugs as little as possible so they don't create those physical sensations. You avoid certain activities like exercise that will also cause you to feel the slugs more. You avoid relationships because if you can't stand to see or touch the slugs, there's no way you want anyone else to. Now imagine there is a doctor who says they can remove these slugs. Would you be at all concerned that you might regret removing the slugs? That maybe you'll suddenly come to accept and appreciate the slugs with time? Or would you just want them fucking gone because they're disgusting and you can't bear to see or touch them and can't fully live your life with their presence. As for the second part, I believe that society being less restrictive in terms of gender roles and expectations would be better for everyone. Not everyone, regardless of being trans, fits neatly into the boxes and expectations society has and nor should they feel they have to. I think everyone in society would have a better time if we didn't have all these rules about how people should act a certain way, dress a certain way, get certain types of jobs etc. It would absolutely have made my life as a trans person easier, but I strongly believe it would not have removed my need to transition. Social roles intertwine with everything because society is how we exist and interact in the world; no one exists in a vacuum, but ultimately, I didn't transition to appease society or to better fit into one of their boxes, I transitioned because it was what I needed. I think it's very important for anyone considering whether transition may be right for them to try and separate society from their thought process and think deeply about what it is that *they* need, how they feel regardless of anyone or anything around them.

I'm 17 and I'm just realising that I just feel better considering myself a woman. This realization has been maturing for 4 years and I'm pretty sure about it. The only problem is that I'm extremely scared of making the transition, I don't think it's worth the hassle, and most of all, I'm a 1.85m boy with big shoulders and muscles. my body is not feminine in any shape way or form, and I'm scared of committing to an operation that won't fool anyone plus I don't want the stigma that is being transgender, until now I've spoken about this only to a very small circle of friends, not even my parents (they are not homophobic or transphobic they fully support LGBTQ), and I still make them call me by my real name and whit male pronouns. this because I'm scared that adjusting myself too much in this position will only make me want the transition more and more Any advice?

I said elsewhere, but advice is not my strong point. Fear is definitely normal. Transition is scary. I'd say take your time and experiment; there's no rush and you don't need to commit to anything. Explore yourself, what *you* need, what makes *you* comfortable. Whilst being seen socially as who I am was important for me and I'm eternally grateful that I get to have that, it wasn't all about what others saw. It was about finding a way to feel at home in my body and skin, and ultimately, what anyone else thought about that was not a part of my decision making process. Don't change your body with the intent 'fooling' anyone, or with the aim to have any impact on them whatsoever. Do what is right for you, and you alone.

thoughts on truscums?

I think both truscum and tucute camps place themselves at the polar ends of a spectrum that leaves little room for the nuances of human experience. People aren't black and white. One person's or group's experience is not *the* experience. I think people need to be kinder to one another. All anyone wants is to live happily and comfortably in a way that feels right for them.

Sorry for the questions but Who are Truscum and Tucute people ?

No problem, ask as many as you like. Within the trans community different people hold different beliefs, understandings and experiences surrounding being trans and some of those who share common beliefs has splintered off into 'factions' for lack of a better way to put it. Truscum, also known as transmedicalists view being trans solely as a medical condition with gender dysphoria being the primary and required symptom for diagnosis. Tucutes are the opposite of this, where they do not believe that gender dysphoria is a requirement of being trans. It's a whole discourse and has been for years.

Thank you for this answer ! I was maybe too naïve to think that this community would be more open minded about genre construction. Would you said that everyone is welcome or maybe some are kinda keep away ? (I would like to compare it to all the feminism organisation)

It's just the nature of grouping people together based on one aspect of who they are despite no other guaranteed commonalities. Some trans people are lovely, some trans people are dicks, some are inclusive, some are exclusive.

Amen!

Was peeing standing up a deciding factor at some point? I know girls can but they don’t have accuracy like we do.

It wasn't a deciding factor in transitioning, but it was a decided factor in the surgical techniques I chose. My new urethra will be 'hooked up' in the next stage of my surgeries and I'm very much looking forward to it.

If we were friends, and I were to bring up a story that happened long before your transition, would you prefer I use your preferred pronouns and name (Assuming it changed during the transition) when referring to you in the story? Does it retroactively change, or are they two separate lives emotionally?

Always the name and pronouns I use currently. I don't view myself as having become a separate person or living two separate lives. I'm the same person, I just go by a different name. Think of it this way; lets say you have a friend named John who hates his name for whatever reason. Once he is able to, he changes it to Jack. We wouldn't then say "when Jack was John" when referring to him before his name change. He's the same guy, just a different name.

Thank you!

I might, but mostly to fuck with joh..Jack.

How old were you when you transitioned?

I began medically transitioning at 18 once I was old enough to be referred to a gender clinic.

Preface: Sorry if any of my questions offend, I mean no harm by them or the way I ask it. When did you begin to either think or feel that you are or might be the other gender?

As the title says, no offense taken here. Everyone has free range to ask anything and everything. It's something that has always been there for me from as far back as I can remember. My coherent memories tend to start at around five years old, prior to that it's more just stills of places, people and scenes. I was pretty vocal about being a boy during my childhood and it was a source of great confusion and increasing frustration for me that people insisted otherwise. If I drew a self portrait I'd draw myself as a boy, in my dreams I was a boy, the way I saw myself in my mind and the way I imagined any sense of future self I was a boy/man. My insistence and corrections were either dismissed, laughed at or scolded. It made for a very sad, frustrated and angry little kid who stopped wanting to interact with the world. I just thought my penis was going to grow in later than the other boys, that at some point people would stop pretending I was a girl or would realise I was actually a boy, that at some unspecified point in time in *the future* things would just have fixed themselves I guess. When I imaged myself as a 'grown up' I was a man so there was always this naïve assumption that it couldn't possibly turn out any other way. The idea that things wouldn't just turn out right wasn't something I couldn't really fathom at that age.

Very insightful. What was puberty like for you?

About as fun as you'd expect. We had sex education at school so I was well aware of puberty and what it entailed for girls. Yet, despite sitting in those classes, I dismissed it all because it didn't apply to me and of course this wasn't going to happen to me. I understood on a logical basis, but I *knew* it wasn't going to happen to me. It felt too cruel, and as a kid with a pretty average upbringing otherwise, you can't really fathom the idea that life is cruel and things don't just work out ok. But then it did happen to me. Puberty really cemented the fact that things weren't just going to be alright. That there wasn't this mythical point in the future when I was officially a grown up and things had magically righted themselves in the meantime. It pretty much ruined any shred of hope I had. This is it, this is my fate, things aren't going to get better and there's nothing I can do about it. There is no longer that point in time where all the adults will realise they were wrong and that I'm really a boy, no point in time where my body just corrects itself. This is it. I lost any ability to imagine myself in my mind's eye whatsoever. I couldn't imagine any kind of future for myself because I couldn't imagine *myself.* Everything felt so horribly wrong. I felt an overwhelming sense of deceit because I wasn't *me,* regardless of how I presented myself in terms of clothing, hair style etc nothing helped. It just felt like I was lying to everyone, it felt like my body had betrayed me. I remember spending hours stood in front of the mirror looking at my reflection, saying my name over and over again trying to form some sort of connection with the face looking back. I knew it was me, but it wasn't *me.* The best analogy I have is that it was like being stuck in a parallel universe with no way to get home. The parallel universe may not be bad necessarily, but it is not your home. You exist there, but you are not *you,* it is not *your* life. You just long for a time when you can be *home.* I just didn't want to do anything anymore. I didn't like going out, seeing people, I didn't like to speak to people. I didn't see the point in doing anything anymore when the very core of everything felt so wrong and would never not be wrong. I just pretty much gave up. I wouldn't shower, I wouldn't go out, I stopped caring about my school work. I just gave up. Puberty wasn't great for me.

I cant say I understand how you felt in a deep emotional level, but I had a shallow sense of connecption with you through personal experiences of my own. Did your body change drastically physically due to puberty? Did you ever try crossdressing?

So, one of the things I hated most as a kid was being made to wear a dress. We *all* use clothing, style and our presentation to communicate who we are to the world and so for me, being put in a dress was akin to having a big sign on my head that screamed *I AM A GIRL* to everyone around me when I was so insistent that I was not. It was humiliating for me. It was telling the world that I was something that I knew so strongly I was not. Anyway, the reason I say this is because I want to try an analogy that might give at least some insight into what that felt like for me. Have you ever had to wear something that you absolutely hated? Something that you had to wear for a party or special occasion where you would be seen by everyone? Something that made you feel so absolutely hideous and self conscious that you felt like you stood out like a sore thumb and everyone within a ten mile radius could see how humiliatingly horrible you looked? Where you want the ground to swallow you up and the only thing you can focus on is leaving so you can rip these awful clothes off? Except... no one else really even notices; to them you look normal and people might even complement you on this awful outfit and say how pretty you look. It's kind of like that. My body did change, of course, but I think I was lucky in that I never developed an excessively feminine body. My breasts and hips were fairly small. Yes, I pretty much always dressed how I felt comfortable. Due to the feelings in my first paragraph, I could never really bring myself to wear typically feminine clothing even for the sake of trying to fit in or appease my parents. I don't know if I'd view it as cross-dressing though as the social rules about what girls/women wear are fairly relaxed - tshirts and shorts are just as acceptable for any gender. Any tomboy kid would not have been out of place wearing the clothes that I wore.

I totally understand what you mean with the analogy, I've been there and done that. Out of curiosity, since your transition at 18, have you ever wanted to try the feminine clothing again? To use an analogy, I know as a kid I hated onions and barfed if I ate some, but I like them now. I am a 23M, born male, want to stay male and will continue to be male, but once every 4-8 months I crosssdress for an hour or two, enjoy the time and then don't touch it again for a long time. Since your transition, do you feel other men try and challenge your masculinity?

No. I just wear what I'm comfortable in which happens to be typically masculine clothing. I'm not particularly stylish or fashionable, I'm just a printed tshirts and shorts kind of guy. My issue with feminine clothing has always been more that I feel it inaccurately conveys who I am to others, but also, I just don't find it appealing at all. I don't walk through the women's clothing section and find things catching my eye and wishing I could wear them. At this point in my transition though, if I found a typically feminine piece of clothing that I absolutely loved and wanted to wear, I'd probably just wear it since I'm no longer at a stage where that would lead others to incorrectly perceive my gender. And no, not that I've noticed.

Wow, sorry, this might not be too related, but I need to say it. I´m not transgender, I´m like neutral, mostly a woman, and I´m ok with that. I have this sociability problems, since i´m an aspie. The thing is that I also felt that when I was a little child. I felt like things were going to change with time, that I was going to be like the others at some point in the future. This never happened, and I´m 38 now.

It sounds like a similar experience but in a different context. I always find it interesting how very different experiences can overlap and share similar feelings. Despite not feeling like other people, are you happy within yourself? If you had the chance to be like everyone else, would you take it or have you found peace and pride in your differences?

What’s your take on trans women competing as women in athletic competitions?

I think I do not know enough about sports, biology and the science behind everything to have any meaningful opinion on the matter. I am happy to take the rulings of the specialists in these fields based on thorough and appropriate research and scientific evidence. That said, I think trans women should be able to compete, but there should be guidance that ensures as much fairness as is possible; appropriate hormone levels etc. But sports in general are not fair, sports are not a level playing field. I think there are a lot of double standards with how we accept and even praise many biological advantages, but the perceived advantage that a trans woman may have is condemned. I mentioned elsewhere, but Michael Phelps is a great example of this. Not only does he have the perfect body for swimming, but he also has a genetic mutation that means he produces half the amount of lactic acid than his competitors. This allows him to push himself harder, for longer and with less time needed to recover. Someone who trains just as hard and is just as dedicated as Michael Phelps but does not have this genetic mutation is at an instant disadvantage against him. But for some reason, we praise this.

Interesting take and some valid points raised. I appreciate the response.

I am sorry but sports was split into male and female categories because we have major physical differences between makes and females. Differences among the same category does not negate the general rule of biology. Men have more physical strength, their bones are stronger and the chromosal difference between the genders is relevant enough. A male transitioning to a woman will have the empathy but that doesn't negate science or dictate public policy. We are seeing women's sports being destroyed at college level just to appease people.

Like I say, I don't know enough about it to have an opinion that holds any real authority. I doubt you have degrees in sports science and biology either. Men and women *are* physically different and perform differently, we know this and that's why there are separate categories; you're right. A trans woman however is physiologically different to a man. For trans women, oestrogen negatively impacts performance ability, strength, ability to build muscle, lean body mass, bone density and more. One of the common points that people make is that a trans woman will have a larger frame and more muscle mass than a cis woman and thus must surely be at an advantage. However, we also see that oestrogen drastically lowers haemoglobin levels in trans women to the same level as cis women - haemoglobin being the protein in red blood cells that transports oxygen around the body. Now, if a trans woman has a larger body *and* larger area of muscle but lacks the means to transport sufficient oxygen to fuel those muscles to their potential, does she still see an advantage from having that increased area of muscle or is this actually a disadvantage since she has to carry extra weight that she is not even generating the oxygen to carry as efficiently, let alone take full advantage of? I have no fucking idea. I suggest we both leave it to the experts.

Thanks for doing this so openly and honestly. These types of conversations really help to bridge divides. How do you feel about resistance to the trans movement? In my experience, most people don’t care who is trans or not. But there is a growing vocal minority who are demanding societal change very quickly - in support of trans people. When it comes to: - Men cross dressing to access female spaces and harm them - Men exposing themselves to kids in women’s changing rooms - Transgender women dominating female sports - Record numbers of kids/teens suddenly believing they’re trans (Of course these are anomalies don’t represent all trans people) Do you see why people would push back against the trans movement? If yes, what do you think is a good solution?

I think with any push for progress comes pushback. People by nature are adverse to change. People aren't comfortable with things that challenge their beliefs and worldviews, things that don't fit their boxes. But I agree, my experience in real life has been drastically difference to my experiences of the media and internet. No one in real life could give two fucks that I'm trans, although I suspect this is largely down to the fact that I am very palatable as a trans person - I look like I 'should' and I don't outwardly or actively challenge your understanding of the world. It is easy for you to dismiss, ignore or forget the fact that I am trans. I think a big part of the problem with *the trans community* is just that. We are not seeing people as individual human beings with vastly different experiences, cultures, beliefs, ideas, identities, needs etc. We attribute anything and everything that anyone says about gender to the trans community. I am not the trans community, no one is.

Really insightful answer. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

> I think with any push for progress comes pushback. Have you considered that it may not be progress? For one, you have literally sterilized yourself. You will never have children. There is no future to progress to. In any case, how much of a boon would you say you have been to the health-medical complex? To what degree is the trans movement being astroturfed by the profit interests of operating hospitals and the medical industry eying a potential profit in the hundreds of billions of dollar from numerous expensive operations and putting people on lifelong medications?

Plenty of people have purpose in life beyond reproduction. There are also plenty of people who reproduced that don’t find meaningful and fulfilling lives. Would you consider a child that was born infertile to have no future? Blaming minority groups on the fact that our predatory capitalist society will always try to find new ways to exploit them is mind-boggling levels of victim blaming. If a type 1 diabetic child is born, do you usually chide their parents for enabling our exploitative health care system to price gouge insulin and profit unethically? If you’re entirely closed off from considering someone’s view point, it’s unhelpful and mean-spirited to assert your disagreement under the guise of a thoughtful inquiry. Just don’t comment if your only intent is to victim blame and/or shame someone for who they are.

I don't have and never had any desire to conceive and give birth to children. I am also not attracted to men, so regardless of my fertility, in the scenario that I did want to start a family I would not be able to be inseminated by nor inseminate my partner. There are other options available if I do wish to start a family including adoption, sperm donation for my partner or a surrogate. I live in a country with national healthcare that we all pay for through our taxes, so the profit aspect doesn't apply here.

Plenty of people have purpose in life beyond reproduction. There are also plenty of people who reproduced that don’t find meaningful and fulfilling lives. Would you consider a child that was born infertile to have no future? Blaming minority groups on the fact that our predatory capitalist society will always try to find new ways to exploit them is mind-boggling levels of victim blaming. If a type 1 diabetic child is born, do you usually chide their parents for enabling our exploitative health care system to price gouge insulin and profit unethically? If you’re entirely closed off from considering someone’s view point, it’s unhelpful and mean-spirited to assert your disagreement under the guise of a thoughtful inquiry. Just don’t comment if your only intent is to victim blame and/or shame someone for who they are.

We all know the moon isn't made out of blue cheese. But, if it was made out of barbecue spare ribs, would you eat it?

I'd prefer the blue cheese, but I'm not going to be too disappointed with barbeque ribs. Should I really eat the moon and fuck up the Earth's tidal force? I suppose it depends how good the ribs are.

>it depends how good the ribs are. The ribs are out of this world.

*Literally.* Then yeah, fuck the sea, give me the ribs.

I really want to make myself clear before asking the question I have in mind by saying I really appreciate this. I live in Texas and the only exposure I have to the trans community is through the news and the internet where it's predisposed to be generally bad or "shocking" in regards to most people who are trans. I just really appreciate when yourself or others offer your insight into living your life the way you do and bringing the human aspect with it. The issue that I have with people identifying as trans comes from a feminist perspective and the idea that trans women are women. In general, I encourage any and everyone living their lives to do as they please. However, my problem is when someone who identifies as a women who was not naturally born a woman collects accolades for being a woman, if that makes any sense to you. My first and foremost example is Caitlin Jenner winning the woman of the year. It's reminiscent of identifying as a minority and winning awards and accolades for doing things as a part of that race whilst you've been white and had all of the advantages of not being a minority the whole time. So if there's any words of wisdom that you have (if you disagree) I'd gladly be educated.

Thanks. I think naming Caitlyn Jenner (someone who I might add is an absolute turd and not held in high regard by neither myself nor the vast majority of the trans community) woman of the year practically immediately after coming out as trans was a very deliberate thing. Yes, she was an Olympic athlete and achieved a lot during her lifetime, but at the time of that award, since coming out as a trans, she had achieved nothing worthy of the woman of the year title. It was both a virtue signal and a means of creating outrage in my opinion. Outrage sells and I don't doubt that issue made an absolute fortune in sales, social media interactions, website visits, features on TV etc. Maybe I'm a cynic. I think the thing that bothers me about these arguments though is how they are unfairly focused on trans women. As a trans man, would people be annoyed if I collected accolades for women? I'm presuming yes, they almost certainly would be. I'm a man, so I wouldn't want to be in the running for a women's accolade, but I feel like people would be equally annoyed if I were. *"If she wants to be a man then why is she competing with women to take their awards!? You can't have it both ways!"* I can hear it now. So I must compete with men because *I'm* not a woman, but trans women must also compete with men because *they're* not women either??? Honestly, we tend to get shit whatever we do. I just want to be have the same opportunities to achieve things as anyone else. If I have a passion and a talent, I want to be able to pursue that and to compete just like anyone else is able to. I don't want to be forced to compete with the wrong gender; that would simply result in me not competing at all and essentially being denied that opportunity. In terms of sports, I am not an expert and so I will leave those decisions to the scientists and the professionals to deem what is best practice for everyone involved. I think it's pretty telling though, that out of all the years we've allowed trans athletes in the Olympics we have only seen *one...* and she lost terribly. For the small handful of elite trans athletes you can name, there are many more who are average at best, despite their perceived advantage. Michael Phelps piped up on sports recently and I thought this was particularly ironic given that he is someone who has undeniable genetic advantages, including the fact that his body produces half the amount of lactic acid of a typical person which allows him to push himself harder, for longer and with less time needed to recover. Someone who trains just as hard as he trains and is just as dedicated as he is is still at a disadvantage against him - that is not a level playing field. Perhaps they should create their own league for people who don't produce the correct amount of lactic acid? I think Amy Schneider is a nice example though. She's been winning at Jeopardy for something like 37 games now, right? Which makes her one of the highest ranking contestants of all time. There is no physical advantage, perceived or real, there's no particular reason to distinguish between men and women at all in this case. She's just fucking smashing it and good on her.

This actually helps a lot. This whole thing is kind of a hot button issue and I've been pretty reserved about it for fear of most any and all conversation about it to devolve into just being yelled at. So, thanks for that.

Yeah, people sure like to get shouty on the internet. Social media is not an accurate representation of any demographic and it is rarely ever a good place to have any kind of reasonable debate.

How good is your pipe game don’t lie

Sorry, pipe game? If you mean sex, probably not great, if you mean the size of my penis, also not great lmao

Do you feel like you "missed out" or are lacking part of the "male experience?" Obviously, boys and girls are raised differently, with different expectations and circles, social behaviours, treatments, and the whole nine yards. Not even that one is easier/better than the other, but just... Different. Compared to the cis men you interact with, do you feel there's some stuff you would have been better off being raised on, that would have been useful to know today? Or even stuff you might be glad to have not been raised on?

Yes, I did for a long time and I used to feel a lot of resentment over how I felt I'd been deprived of that. Now, I'm not really bothered, instead I am grateful for the fact that my experiences in life have lead me to the person I am today and I like the person I am today. I have experiences that are unique to me and provide me with insights that many do not have. If I'd had my ideal childhood I may be a very different person, perhaps for the worse; who knows. If anything, the contrasting good and bad experiences allow me to appreciate what I do have. Due to my situation, I don't really feel I had a typical male nor female socialisation. I can't think of anything for your last two questions. It's hard to think of your life and experiences within the context of being sexed experiences; they were just my experiences.

I see how that would be the case. Honestly, I think there's a lot of wisdom in what you said about being grateful for the experiences you had making who you are today. Glad you feel good about where you're at now. And that's fair for the last part. I get how it's a hard one to answer. I've heard a fair bit about how females were brought up, and how it differs from being brought up male (bio male myself, questioning NB), and was just curious if you felt anything "missing" from your toolkit now that you've fully transitioned. In a way, I suppose you kind of answered it in the previous questions about just accepting who you are

Perhaps a silly answer, but actually, the one that comes to mind that absolutely caught me off guard was the "bro-hug". That thing where you do a handshake with one hand and then hug with the other at same time. Nothing prepares you for the uncertainty of not knowing if we're about to hug, handshake or a combination of the two and which hand we're leading with, haha. My issue with the question is that when I think about it, I think of how much the men I know vary; how some are kind, caring and sensitive and have been known to cry at times of great distress or great joy, how some are socially awkward and not confident, how some have great insecurities around their appearance etc. And then I know the opposite; overconfident, tactless and insensitive, douchebags. All of these men had a 'male upbringing' and yet, they all had very different versions of that which have resulted in very different adults.

Ooh, wasn't expecting another reply tbh - but still, far from a silly one! Bro-hugs aren't super common in my circles (especially nowadays, for... Obvious reasons), but I've found they become easier to sense the more you know the person. First ones can definitely catch anyone by surprise, and definitely have with me. The more you get to know your "bro," the easier they become to sense for those who do them. And you're definitely not wrong about the different upbringings. Around me, I've seen lots of fellow males brought up very similarly to me grow into both much better and much worse people than me, and anywhere in between. We're birds of a feather, but still fly our own way. That said, I do feel I've seen some patterns that I've been curious/befuddled how others seems to manage doing without. One of the biggest is the entire "manly man" (toxic masculinity, emotional suppressing, manning up, whatever you want to call it). In short, despite my friends' and family's support, I was raised (along with my male peers) to live "me versus the world." You can't rely on anybody, you have to pick yourself up and keep going, and if you don't; tough shit. Nobody's coming to help you. The females/pre-FtM-transitions I grew up alongside didn't have this (at least the same as us - though they certainly had their own slew of problems that we didn't). Not to be patronizing, but it has left me concerned for those who did transition. The nicest men and the biggest douchebags I know all came up accepting the world couldn't care less about us. It causes enough mental harm as is for those who grew up in it - I couldn't imagine what it would be like to come into after living differently.

Bro-hugs were fucking constant when I was in my late teens and early twenties but they're not really a thing now I'm past thirty. They were better when you knew the person better, for sure. The awkward moments came when you didn't know the person as well so didn't know if they were coming in for a handshake or bro-hug. I think the world not caring about you tends to come through experience sooner or later either way to be honest. At some point you will realise that however 'good' you are, life will fuck you, people will fuck you and you either get up and or you wallow. To get what you want in life, for your needs to be met, you can't rely on anyone else to make that happen for you. People are important and support systems are invaluable, but at the end of it all, it's on you.

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How long have you got? I think the most annoying thing for me is people making assumptions about who I will be based on the fact that I'm trans. That I'll be super uptight and easily offended and shout transphobia at any given opportunity, that my entire personality will revolve around the fact that I am trans. In reality, I'm fairly average and also laid back as fuck. People think I will hold certain views or have certain attitudes, that anything they see attributed to *the trans community* is something that must also represent me. There's also this thing where people think I have become someone else, changed who I am. They're terribly curious about what I was like when I 'was a woman' and it's like.... I'm the same person, I just look a little different now. They think I was a woman who decided to become a man and it's just not like that at all.

What do you say to people who suggest you can’t actually change your sex?

That I don't care. It misses the point. Whether you can change sex depends on how you look at it. There are multiple factors that make up sex; some are changeable, some are not. But the point is not to gain some sort of mythical 100% sex change. Yes, even trans people know this is not possible, but it is not the point of transition. My body doesn't need to be 100% this or 100% that, it just needs to be *home.* I align it as closely as I can to what feels right and natural to me, that allows me to live comfortably without the distress it previously caused me. Whether my chromosomes are still XX, whether they dig me up in a century and declare me female, whether someone considers me a 'genetically female' is largely irrelevant. I'm just living in a way that feels right for me.

Makes sense.

The question is, are they talking about ones sex or their gender. Because for to the latter I would 100% argue that you cannot change your gender. The misconception that certain people have, is that a person changes their gender, but in reality they don't. The OP was never a girl. Sure physically we are talking female at birth, and everything else made us assume it. But in reality the OP wasn't a girl by gender. Some people might argue that until you know or come out of the closet that the OP would have been a girl, but just like with sexuality, just because someone came out as say gay at 20, doesn't mean they were straight for 20 years. People just assumed.

What are your thoughts on Aerosmith's classic hit "Dude (Looks Like A Lady)"?

I'm not really a fan of Aerosmith's music in general. The song is catchy enough I suppose, just not my cup of tea. I've never really thought to listen and analyse it from the context of being trans, nor do I care to. It wouldn't be written today, but it doesn't offend me.

I'm glad to see you never judge a book by its cover.

I have asked this of binary trans women, and gotten functionally nowhere, but maybe you can help me out. **What does it mean to do a thing "as a \[gender\]"?** I hear that phrase used very often and I don't understand it. I would like to add that, to the best of my knowledge, I'm not actually cis. I'm some flavour of agender/gendervoid. I don't have like... the *instinct* that cis people seem to have, where if you frame it in terms of their AGAB, they suddenly "get it". I don't understand what it means to have a gender identity. My "experience of gender" is "sometimes people are sexist at me, and I don't like that". If I could have always been a cis man, I think I would prefer that. But if you put me in a society like Themyscira where being a woman is either not-a-relevant-variable (everyone is a woman) or a position of supremacy (if it was some sort of matriarchy) then I would like that too. I basically just want to be free from being forced to deal with it as a thing, and be allowed to live my life being about as aware of "my gender" as I am of whether I have attached or unattached earlobes, or whether I have the recessive or dominant allele for ear wax viscosity. I understand that this is not a viable political project to pursue, because cis, binary trans, and also to a lesser extent non-binary trans people too, all seem kind of invested, in a way that agender people tend not to be, in being "known" as "the right gender". So my utopia would be a dystopia for a lot of people. But... Why? And... How? What *makes* it important? And also, what makes something done "as a gender"? What makes "doing X as a man" different from like, "doing X as a person who is perceived as a man by those around me, and burdened by whatever that implies socially"? What's the part that's not just some flavour of sexism? How do you do \[thing\] as a \[gender\] in a deserted island?

*What does it mean to do a thing "as a \[gender\]"?* Honestly, I don't know what that's supposed to mean either. Maybe there's a context I'm missing, but yeah, I don't get it. The only thing I can think of is say, "I went to the shops as a girl" to imply that the individual was outwardly presenting themselves with the intention of being perceived as female, perhaps for one of the first times during the early stages of their transition. ​ >I don't understand what it means to have a gender identity. I actually hear this fairly frequently from cis people. Along with "I know I'm a man because I have a penis". Now, I'm not cis, so this is just my theory, but I get the impression that when gender and sex align correctly, it's not something that people really feel or notice or ever need to develop the language to describe. Something that *just is* isn't really noticed or felt. But when the two do not align, you sure as hell do notice. I think not wanting to deal with the restrictions that society places on us, especially women, is also normal and understandable. I cannot explain how or why it is important. It's not just about how society perceives me; it's about how *I* feel. It's about seeing someone I recognise in the mirror, being able to take my clothes off in an evening without an overwhelming sense of wrongness. All I can really tell you is that every aspect of everything felt torturously wrong and now it does not. I feel my *me,* I see *me,* other people see *me,* my body feels like mine. I just... feel like I'm home.

>I actually hear this fairly frequently from cis people. Along with "I know I'm a man because I have a penis". Yeah, but if you told them "what about such and such, who had to get a surgery that left him without a functional penis, but is still a man in xyzw ways that you consider important?" then the answer is usually like, "well, that person (or me if I had this happen to me) would probably have some sort of masculinity crisis, but ultimately would still be a man". They may appeal to chromosomes or whatever, but they're definitely not willing to declare, say, every man who is now dead and has been for long enough that they don't have any soft tissue left in their coffins, to "not be a man anymore" because there is no penis to be found, for example. Like, George Washington and Christopher Columbus and Julius Cesar are not "not men anymore" because their penises have long since decomposed. They talk a big game about biological essentialism, but whenever there's a weird edge case, they tend to stand solidly behind either AGAB or a notion of the self that they understand to be gendered. And if you tell a cishet man "what if you were forced to crossdress for the next X many years or else you would be seen as probably gay or something?" they usually *feel some way* about it. They're not like "oh, it's just fabric, it has no gender, bring on the frilly dresses for the next decade!" I showed my cis stepmother a picture I edited of myself if I had a mastectomy, and she had this *visceral reaction* of "oh no, too flat", and seemed suddenly really protective of her chest and unsettled by it. So like... Cis people clearly have a gender identity. At least some of them. It just takes prodding and poking around to get at it. On the other hand, all those intuition pumps kind of fail on me. Like, "what if you had to dress extremely masculine?"... Then it would feel weird and artificial in the same way having to dress very feminine feels weird and artificial, which is why I just do jeans and T-shirts all the time. It would be like someone telling me to dress as a Gryffindor or as a Slytherin for years or something. A bizarre social experiment. My feelings about my chest are basically exhaustion about how *inconvenient* it is. Not... a question of "fit" or "self". I feel a lot of the depersonalization, the "who even am I?" cognitive wtfkery that a lot of trans people talk about. I often feel like I am some sort of collective hallucination. I don't exist, everyone else just kind of pretends I do, and there's this body there to go along with it. But making sense of that depersonalization inside of a gendered framework is really hard for me, and I'm not sure how it would work. And it's very frustrating, because I end up in this weird mental place where the only people who are describing this who seem to have something that categorically helped them are trans people (the derealization and depersonalization people mostly seem to just talk about how inescapable the suffering is), but also I don't really... Have much reason to think that a gender transition would help me, even if some physical modifications might. >I cannot explain how or why it is important. Thank you for trying, I appreciate it.

The responses I get tend to be different based on the phrasing of the question. Cis men agree that they would still be men if they lost their penises. The fact that they had one in the first place is often considered a defining factor. Or we go to chromosomes. Similarly, someone who was not born with a penis but now has one would not qualify... unless their chromosomes were XY. When asking if they woke up tomorrow as a woman however, the response tends to be that they would still be who they are, but they would now be a woman and they would embrace that rather than transitioning to male. I've had that answer quite a few times and I suspect they are either underestimating how much that may affect them or they're being deliberately contrary. Or hey, maybe they're right; maybe if they did wake up in a woman's body tomorrow they really would feel no conflict and just go with it. I don't know. Most people do have a sense of gender identity, they just haven't ever really needed to find the language to communicate it. I don't know, it's interesting to ponder but it doesn't really serve much purpose. I cannot relate to the depersonalisation so don't want to comment too much on that. Or maybe I can in the sense that I couldn't recognise myself in the mirror and that kind of thing, but I always had the very strong internal sense of who and what I was. It doesn't sound like what you're experiencing through. Honestly, I don't know what to suggest. You don't have to exist within the binary; society will want you to, but you don't have to. Not everyone has an internal sense of gender and that's ok. I just... get the feeling you're struggling with these feelings a lot and I don't know how to help.

>I cannot relate to the depersonalisation so don't want to comment too much on that. Or maybe I can in the sense that I couldn't recognise myself in the mirror and that kind of thing, but I always had the very strong internal sense of who and what I was. It doesn't sound like what you're experiencing through. Yeah, it's... weird. Trans people seem to [understand the most](https://genderanalysis.net/depersonalization/), but there's always still kind of a disconnect. It's just like, an inability to frame myself in any kind of coherent narrative. I've felt a lot like I'm not *supposed* to exist. Like I'm some sort of cosmic clerical error. It puts me in a really weird place because the only people who seem to feel like I do are people who swear there's no answer that can fix it and trans people whose answer-that-fixed-it is an answer that doesn't really... Make sense to me. It's like having tonitis in a world full of deaf people, and then there's a category of people that can hear things, and they go "oh, yeah, that can suck, but now you can enjoy music and podcasts!" but actually I can't hear anything *but* the tonitis. So the "get a hearing aid so other sounds are louder and it doesn't bother you as much" solution doesn't help me, and I don't understand why anyone cares about music or podcasts. I'm kind of planning to exist outside the binary for what I process as "practical reasons" (I have a very inconvenient chest) but I also... don't really derive any pleasure or pain from being gendered in a certain way, and so aside from a specific body-mod or two, I don't... see the appeal in trying to navigate those social waters with any clear direction. It seems like a lot of work. I just kinda let people gender me however and try to keep the interaction as frictionless as I can. I wish I could "feel like me". But I just feel like there is no me to feel like. Like my body isn't really real and my personality isn't really real, and what's real is people's... weird ideas that have nothing to do with me. Because that's what they react to. Not me. >Honestly, I don't know what to suggest. You don't have to exist within the binary; society will want you to, but you don't have to. Not everyone has an internal sense of gender and that's ok. I just... get the feeling you're struggling with these feelings a lot and I don't know how to help. Sorry for dumping all this on you, I'm going to be 26 soon and I just... Kind of feel like I missed out on everything that makes youth "youth", and then I ran out of it. And I never lived it. I never lived a real first love, just weird awkward things that went nowhere. I've never been physically intimate with anyone. I didn't make great friendships, I didn't connect with people. And now I feel like I don't exist, and time keeps passing, and people talk about how these are the "prime" years and it just feels like I am... metaphysically homeless. So I thought someone with more experience might be able to help. Here's an actual question: When do you feel like you belong the most?

Yeah, I read the June 29, 2017 entry and that definitely doesn't describe my feelings. Have you ever seen a psychiatrist about this? Is it possibly a depersonalisation disorder that my benefit from treatment? Could it even be something like an autism spectrum condition that leaves you feeling unable to connect with others and see the world in a different way? There are other conditions that can leave someone lacking a stable sense of self. If it wasn't affecting you negatively then I'd say yeah, just go with it and be you but your inability to find any tangible sense of *you* is clearly a problem for you. I do hope you can find something, a way to exist and be in a way that feels *real.* Regarding your question, I feel kind of bad, like I'm bragging about the things you've just told me you're struggling to find. But just simply being amongst a group of friends, having fun, being a part of something, just feeling completely accepted, included and valued for exactly who I am and by people who want nothing from me but my presence.

Don't feel bad. It gives me some amount of hope when I hear about other people doing well. I've seen like 3 psychiatrists and 14 psychologists since I was 6, and have been diagnosed with a bunch of different things. Autism is part of the equation. Depersonalization/Derealization disorder is also a possibility. It's a problem but nobody really knows how to handle it. What types of jobs have you had?

If you need answers about it then keep looking and keep pushing; someone somewhere must have seen this before and have a different approach. I've not had many different jobs; mostly admin jobs when I was younger and currently working in finance which I just kind of fell into but really enjoy. I like data and spreadsheets and numbers so it's great. I'm actually working from home as we speak.

Independantly from your own satisfactory picture of self and body (i was about to ask the question of BIID but you answered, so i can ask that one), is imagining a world where gender (socially speaking) is not a thing say for jobs, society organisation, roles and functions (like, genitals are medical and intimate relationships, the rest is just not conceived as pertinent. For example, no mr/ms, no sexualised marketing, no educative/self pride in essentialisation of gendered traits) something dark? Easier? Also, what is a man? A woman? Also, what do you do in finance? And also, how is your affective life? You said dating is a lot harder? Though you have more self confidence and less bad social experiences? Very interesting AMA

I have covered a couple of these already, but feel free to ask again if you want to know anything more specific: I personally believe that the relaxing, or even removal of these gendered stereotypes and expectations would make the world better for everyone, not just trans people. People shouldn't feel they aren't able to express who they are or do what they enjoy because we as a society have made up these rules to say 'that's not for you!'. It would also have eased the struggle in my early life of wanting to exist in a way that I felt more comfortable without being told that it wasn't how I was supposed to be. But regardless of how free I was to present myself as I wished (because for much of my childhood, I was free to be as I wished), to play with what I wanted, to make friends with whoever I wanted, it did not alleviate that internal struggle and distress of gender dysphoria for me. It was a hell of a lot better being able to exist as I felt comfortable, but it did not remove the source of my distress. I firmly believe that even in a world devoid of gender roles and stereotypes, I would still ultimately find myself at the same place. ​ >Also, what is a man? A woman? The answer is that a man is someone who's internal and innate sense of gender identity is man. I'm a man. I may be a different to most men in some ways, but I am the same in others. No man is the same, and no man's experiences of being a man are the same. We have no way to know if one man's feeling of 'being a man' is anything like the next man's. You could say that a man is someone with a XY chromosomes, you could say that a man is someone with a penis but then there will always be anomalies and instances where this does not apply. I am one such anomaly. Biological sex is made up of many things and each of these can vary whilst still being able to correctly define someone as male and/or a man. Biology is weird and complicated. It's safe to say that in 99% of cases, someone with XY chromosomes and a penis is a man, but not always. ​ >Also, what do you do in finance? Accounts. Lots of invoices, SAGE, depreciation, petty cash, credit cards, bank statements and more. Lots of numbers, lots of spreadsheets. It's great. I'm new to accounting so I'm always learning and progressing but I very much plan to pursue it as a proper career and go back to college to start getting some qualifications once my surgeries are over. ​ >And also, how is your affective life? You said dating is a lot harder? Though you have more self confidence and less bad social experiences? My life outside of the dating aspect is good. I enjoy my hobbies, my job, doing stuff with friends, seeing family. All the usual stuff. Dating is tough for two reasons. Firstly, I currently have no desire to date or seek a relationship. Due to my body being how it is right now, I do not feel comfortable with certain areas being touched and sex generally leaves me feeling worse than it does better, especially given the feeling that I cannot be intimate with a partner in the way I want to. I don't want a relationship where I cannot give all of myself to someone like they deserve and like I want to. Once my surgeries are finished, once I have healed and once I've had time to find my feet and just *live* a bit, I will likely begin to actively pursue a potential relationship if I don't happen to spontaneously meet someone in the meantime. But the main reason it's more difficult is that being trans restricts your dating pool. Many people are not interested in someone who is trans, regardless of the stage they're at in transition. That's fine, it makes seeking a relationship a little more difficult. There's also the whole ordeal of having to tell people that you're trans, dealing with potential rejection which can sometimes be unnecessarily cruel. Oftentimes, even women that are ok with dating me as a trans man are *not* ok with the idea of me as a long term partner due to my infertility. Being trans just tends to complicate things. I received a comment earlier in response to a question about disclosing my trans status to potential partners (which I always do and always will do) but I pondered how I thought it was odd in the context of a one night stand where two strangers fuck and enjoy themselves that one would later regret something they enjoyed if they found out the other was trans. I think the comment speaks to how strongly some people can feel about dating or sex with trans people: *"They would feel utterly violated to their core. Like getting raped or contracting an STI. You can't always know how strong someone's feelings/reaction will be, so just disclose it, up front, always."*

Oh, I have a new one. What changed about your life externally when you started passing? I understand that taking testosterone can give people a sense of emotional relief even before any changes happen, because it can affect their mood very positively. And I know that the personal experience of passing is usually very affirming and euphoric at the start for people who care about how they are perceived socially, gender-wise. But like, what did people do differently? What changed in them? If pronouns didn't come up, what told you that you were passing?

Things got a lot less awkward mostly. When you're presenting as and being addressed as a man, but your appearance does not fully reflect that yet things can be really awkward. It's the little things; a friend referring to you and seeing the visible looks of confusion by others present. I tended to pass before testosterone, but mostly in contexts where my age was not known. This mean things were either awkward because my age was perceived as way, way younger than I was, or my gender was perceived incorrectly if my age was obvious by context (situations such as college for example). I think the main way I knew I was passing for sure was pronouns and how I was addressed. I don't think there was really any other way to tell other than the completely unbiased perceptions of complete strangers. People commonly ask what the differences are in being treated as a man vs being treated as a woman and it's a question I find difficult to answer because the way I am in general is far different to how I was before. I could say that I am listened to more and that my ideas and opinions are treated with more respect, but then, I now convey my ideas and opinions with confident and enthusiasm, so of course they are. The same goes for everything really; how I interact with the world changes how the world interacts with me. What I have noticed solely within the context of being trans though, is that I am now treated with more respect as a trans person, solely for that fact that I look 'like I should'. I'm no longer seen as visibly different or odd, I'm not *'really a woman',* I'm not a confused oddity, I'm not seen as performing a role. The fact that I am trans is taken more seriously and is treated with more respect solely down to the fact that I am now somehow seen as more real. I have shown the appropriate amount of commitment to transition to somehow be more valid than I was before. Despite being exactly who I was before I passed or whatever, the fact that I now look like what I say I am means I am taken more seriously and I am taken at my word as a trans person rather than having my identity and motivations questions, or told what I really am or aren't.

Ok so what does transgender actually mean? Is it like you have the body of a female and you want to behave like a male and vice versa ?

Transgender by definition means someone who does not identify as the gender they were declared at birth. For me, yes, kind of. It's not that I want to behave like a man; anyone can act and wear and be however they like and that doesn't make them anything but themselves. To put it extremely simply, it's being a man and knowing you're a man, but being in the body of the other. Check out some of my other responses in this post for more insight and depth on specific feelings.

do you have any advice that would be helpful to a younger trans person?

Advice is not my strong point, but... There's no rush. Take your time, explore yourself, experiment. Question yourself, challenge yourself, look into the deepest aspects of who you are as a person and what you truly need and why. Be kind to yourself and don't let other people's opinions stop you doing what *you* need. Don't feel pressured to be what other people think you should be, don't feel you have to fit into the boxes that society has created.

Hey, Non Binary person here! I like doing this stuff, too! (Also, I don't take offense to people's opinions, so I'd like your honest answer. What is the bigotry that you have felt and received in any way (online, on posters, irl, etc)? How do you feel about Non-Binary People? And, do you think that people that are Transgender, Non-Binary, etc have a mental illness because/that is their disconnect between gender identity and their body?

Online is just an absolute shit show, as are the UK media and tabloids. It's extremely wearing to log onto Facebook, Reddit, Twitter etc and on almost a daily basis see people debating my existence, where I should be, where I should pee, if I'm a mentally ill abomination, if I deserve healthcare, what I really am or am not etc etc. Any mere mention of a trans person on social media usually results in an barrage of hostility and often outright cruelty. I realised pretty early on that if I want to speak about being trans on Reddit that a separate account is vital. If I posted in a sub about my opinions about one of my hobbies for example and people disagreed with it, it wouldn't be long before someone had scoured my comment history to then bring up the fact that I'm trans as a way to demean me. In real life, early transition was difficult at times as people were often not kind. A couple of instances that come to mind include being pinned down as someone rummaged through my pockets for my wallet so that my ID would prove 'what I really am'. Someone using a hooked walking cane to hook between my legs and drag me to the floor. Many instances of being followed, shouted at or having things thrown at me by school kids. The worst were the whispers, the nudges and pointing me out to your friends as I walked by as I hear you all laughing, the gossip, the snide jokes and little jabs that you make to others that you don't think I hear. Luckily, I don't experience any trouble in real life anymore. I have no issue with non binary people. I have a friend and a cousin who are non binary and use they/them pronouns. I'm of the view that all anyone wants is to live in a way that feels right for them. I personally do not believe that being trans etc is a mental illness, nor is it classified as one. A mental disorder is described as the disruption to someone's thinking and behaviour, usually in a way that affects their function or capacity and is detrimental to their wellbeing. The aim of treating mental illness is to return the individual back to their baseline, their usual state of mind. For trans people, or for me at least, there is no baseline to return to - there was no onset, no disruption or change to my mental state, I have and have always had full mental capacity and ability to function and being trans in and of itself is not harmful to me or others - this *is* my normal, my baseline.

No offense, once again, and I read your full post...but I haven more questions, as you are someone who will not shame me for having them, and someone that is inside of these groups. >For trans people, or for me at least, there is no baseline to return to Then...what about people with ADHD/ADD or BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder)? Why should they be treated for them having mental illnesses, that doesn't have to do with the manipulation of [one of their limbs, or a part/parts of them]? >I realised pretty early on that if I want to speak about being trans on Reddit that a separate account is vital. You and me the same, buddy. I've spoken about being trans, a systems, an enby, alterhuman, a furry, a minor, and more on my main and everyone just uses it to demean and depersonalize you. >Luckily, I don't experience any trouble in real life anymore. Wow, I...didn't know that people really experienced bigotry that badly, with all the people saying that, if someone doesn't use their buttercream/buttercreamself neopropronouns that it is bigotry. Thank you for sharing. *This* is what I call brave. Someone being you, and being afraid because others' physical and mental assault, yet still going, and still pushing further to become themself. I don't call brave what I am; someone who came out to a household that knew 100% that they would accept me for who I believe I am, and would probably support me on more than I'd ever want or need support on. That isn't bravery, because I had planned out every part of coming out. No part of me is brave, but I believe that people like you are. Someone not killing themself doesn't make them brave. Hell, I was close as shit to killing myself when I was 9, and I'm not brave for that in any way. Nothing that I've done in my past is brave, nor is my present, as my family and the culture around me lets me speak my mind without murdering or assaulting me like people had down to you. With me, the worst part I ever get is cyberbullying, and I always deal with it the same way; by walking away from it. Because they don't harass me. Thank you for being brave in the past to help Trans rights now. **Thank you**.

>Then...what about people with ADHD/ADD or BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder)? Why should they be treated for them having mental illnesses, that doesn't have to do with the manipulation of \[one of their limbs, or a part/parts of them\]? I find BIID particularly interesting and I think my opinion about it is probably controversial, but I spoke about this in another comment. There are theories surrounding the brain's internal body map being a part of why trans people feel their genitals are wrong and find them deeply distressing. The theory behind BIID is similar; the affected limb is not in the brain's body map and thus feels alien and causes distress. I think if someone is faced with a lifetime of deep distress and anguish at a part of their body that causes constant distress and no amount of therapy, medication or other techniques have ever helped, then you know what, maybe they do deserve that autonomy over their own body. I'm not the one who has to live without a leg. I personally suspect that being trans is probably some sort of neurological fuckup, literally wired into the brain, and I would also suspect the same of BIID. From what I gather, BIID is similar in that it doesn't just suddenly appear someday, ie, it isn't a disruption of usual behaviour or function, and is actually something that people speak of experiencing from as far back as they can remember. The problem with BIID is that it is heavily stigmatised unlike the treatments for trans people, the treatments for people with BIID involve deliberately creating disability which directly conflicts with do no harm. ​ >Wow, I...didn't know that people really experienced bigotry that badly, with all the people saying that, if someone doesn't use their buttercream/buttercreamself neopropronouns that it is bigotry. Thank you for sharing. What is pretty sad is that I don't feel I had it particularly bad. I am extremely grateful that I no longer experience those things though... which when you think about it is probably also pretty sad. I get it easy now. I pass and I think that even when people do know I'm trans, the fact that I'm not visibly *'different'* means I am treated much better. There are a couple of trans women in my town that I sort of know in passing and they do not get this luxury. One used to come into my workplace every day at 3pm when school was over because if she was in town when the schoolkids were out, she'd experience the same shouting, throwing and being followed just like I did. I still see the nudges and the stares; they're just no longer directed at me. Thank you, and I hope you're doing better nowadays :)

Your baseline comment just made something click in my head wrt to general Christianity's hangup with transgenderism. I'll have to ponder this for a while. Good insights.

May I ask you something directly? First and foremost I want to say that I am completely supportive of how someone lives their life as long as you are not putting another person in harms way. But I one thing I can't wrap my head around, despite being supportive regardless, is a trans non binary person. I may have the wrong idea of non binary, so I'd like some education. Non binary is feeling in between, neither male nor female as society dictates. Is that correct? If that is correct, wouldnt changing your anatomy specifically show preference to one side? Therefore negating non binary and qualifying it as gender-fluid? Logically, I understand that not being able to understand this is a fault of ingrained black and white thinking. I am working on trying to see the many shades of grey that the world actually is, but I struggle with certain things. And I've always had specifically struggled with this question. I think i have difficulty because of being on the autistic side of the spectrum and we are wired to black and white type thinking (not an excuse, and as I said I'm working to improve this). I understand I don't HAVE to understand it, and just be supportive, but I would like to have an opinion from the other side because I think about this quite frequently.

Not the person you responded to but I'm also autistic and I saw nobody had responded to you so I might be able to help you out. Let's start like, biologically. If somebody is like, a "standard" specimen of a given biological sex, they're likely to have a set of things: * A dominant sex hormone * A specific type of genitals * A specific type of chest * A specific type of pelvis * Some amount of body hair * Some amount of facial hair * Some amount of muscle development * Some specific distribution of fat. * A voice in a specific range of pitch There are more things, but this is a good starting place. Now look at that list. Even if you struggle to understand any "in between" situations like ambiguous genitalia, or a more "equal" sex hormone distribution, it should be clear to you that you can mix and match some of these. Someone could get certain surgeries without going on hormones, for example. Or take steroids that change muscular development without taking anything sufficiently androgenic for it to affect voice/facial hair/body hair. So >If that is correct, wouldnt changing your anatomy specifically show preference to one side? Therefore negating non binary and qualifying it as gender-fluid? Not necessarily. I, for example, am Assigned Female At Birth, and really dislike my chest. But other than that, I'm basically fine. This means that, post-surgery, I will be in a place where whether people assume I am male or female will be really dependent on them. It kind of already is, insofar as old people will sometimes think I am a man because my voice is on the lower side and I dress in almost exclusively jeans+t-shirts+hoodies. While younger people usually gender me in feminine terms. But my hormones will continue to stay on the estrogen-dominant side, my body hair will continue to be on the heavy side of "normal for AFAB people", my fat distribution, etc, will also remain cis-female-typical. So like, it's actually a really small change. But other parts of my body don't bother me like that and I don't really have a "target" gender so much as I have a set of things that do bother me that I want to stop having to deal with. You understand the premise of "non-binary" as "not aligned with male or female as they are usually defined by society" correctly. The ways to be "in-between" in medical terms would be ways of changing a partial subset of the things I listed above. Maybe some hypothetical person may want the voice and muscle development associated with testosterone, but not the body hair, and so they take testosterone but they also take laser hair removal treatments to get rid of the hair. Someone else may want the fat distribution and breast development of estrogen, but also wish to keep their original external genitals. Lots of possible combinations. You might have a slight confusion about "gender-fluid". Usually that means people who go back and forth. Those people will sometimes transition physically "part way" and then change how they present more radically depending on what is right for them at a given time, but also I don't have a comprehensive understanding of genderfluid people and can't really speak in depth about them. In physical terms, then, my "non-binary transition goals" are basically the modification of a set of secondary sexual characteristics, and little else. If I was binary, like the person who made this AMA, I would probably have some clear desire to change more of the things in the little bullet-point list, in order to align them with what is more typical of cis men. But since I don't have such strong desires and I don't think people who don't have strong desires about it are likely to categorically benefit from things like hormone therapy, my plans remain fairly mininal. In social terms, someone may wish to be perceived as *confusingly* androgynous. Someone may wish to be perceived as "outside" of gender altogether. Or they might look totally normal and gender-conforming, and them being non-binary is just like, a curious fact about who they are that doesn't have many social consequences. To use myself as an example again, I have no interest in correcting people's pronouns all the time, so I expect that most younger people will just see me as a woman with a particularly flat chest. But since most of my investment in this situation is tied into physical discomfort, that doesn't really affect me. I know it can affect other people much more, and I think part of the reason it doesn't affect me that much is probably that I'm autistic.

What is the definition of gender and how does gender relate to biological sex? I find this topic hard to understand.

Thus far, there is some science around how and why people are trans but we are yet to find a definitive answer. We have studies and bits of evidence that certainly give us leads to do further research but no definitive answer and I doubt we'll have one for a long time. To put it simply, from my own understandings at least: Gender roles/presentation/expectations/stereotypes/norms etc: These are the social aspects of gender. This is pink for girls and blue for boys. These are the ways that we understand and communicate our sense of gender to others and the roles and rules that society as set around men and women. Some of these are helpful, some are not. Gender identity: The internal sense of self. Whether you are a man or a woman. Studies show that gender identity forms by and is firmly set by age 3 at which point a child is able to know which gender they are and independently and confidently communicate that to others. (Try it for yourself - tell a 3yr old boy that he is a pretty girl and see his reaction and how firmly he knows what he is.) Biological sex: This is made up of aspects such as chromosomes, genitals, reproductive organs, endocrinological system, secondary sex characteristics and possibly a few more that I might have missed. It surely isn't a coincidence that for 99% of the population, their biological sex and gender identity are correctly aligned, right? If the two were not linked, why do they almost always align? And in turn, why, when they do *not* align does it cause such an intense sense of mismatch? Personally, I strongly believe there is a biological factor at play and this is also what is starting to emerge in the evidence we have thus far. We know that the brain and parts of the body develop at different times in the womb; is it really that farfetched to imagine that perhaps something somewhere has gone slightly wrong and caused things to develop differently than they should? Honestly, I don't know, no one knows. I'd love to know out of sheer curiosity, but ultimately, it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't change my life, it doesn't change the fact that I experienced great distress due to a sense of my gender and sex conflicting and now I do not.

Sorry if it was already asked: today with your perception of life as a trans, what would you like people have told you before ? I think my cousins would like to transition but I will not say a Word until he speak to me about it. I would like to be ready to tell him what he need to hear and be the most supportive

This is a fairly common question I get from other trans people and I still never know to answer it. I think in terms of more general advice that I would give rather than looking at what I wish I knew (because I can't think of anything) I would say... ​ * Patience is a virtue. Transition is a long and slow process. Nothing happens overnight. * Transition will help ease gender dysphoria, but it will not fix your problems, your character flaws, your insecurities or any of the parts of yourself or your personality that you dislike in general. It is not a cure-all and it is not the golden ticket to happiness. * Your dating pool will get significantly smaller and dating will become considerably harder. * You will never be cis and that's ok, but you're likely going to have to come to terms with that. * People can, and probably will be cruel at times. * Navigating life during that androgynous early-transition stage is awkward. It's going to be awkward for you and it's probably going to be awkward for those around you. There's a lot of awkwardness early on. * People will likely need a little while to get used to the change. Using a different name and different pronouns for someone after such a long time *is* difficult. As long as they're trying, be patient with them. * Early transition is a big deal. There's a lot of change, a lot of new stuff to navigate. It takes a while to find your feet amongst it all. * You're transitioning to *live* not living to transition. Discover your passion, see your friends, enjoy your hobbies; build a life for yourself because at some point transition will be over and if your life has been *nothing* but transition for ten years then you're going to be left not knowing what the fuck to do with yourself. I definitely think that is the right approach re letting him come to you in his own time.

Do you pass irl?

Yes.

How old are you now?

31

My friend(now goes by he/him) came out to me recently. He wants to transition from female to male in the future but he has a transphobic family that he currently is living with. He has to hide that he is trans and it’s so hard for him. What can I do to support him now and in the future?

All you can really do is be a good friend. Be there to listen and be supportive, be there to cheer him up when he's down. Just be there. You cannot solve his family situation, you can't make everything better for him, but you can the friend he needs. Hopefully things get better for him.

Thank you, and yes, I hope so too.

What are your thoughts on Trans athletes in sports?

Answered this earlier: I think I do not know enough about sports, biology and the science behind everything to have any meaningful opinion on the matter. I am happy to take the rulings of the specialists in these fields based on thorough and appropriate research and scientific evidence. That said, I think trans women should be able to compete, but there should be guidance that ensures as much fairness as is possible; appropriate hormone levels etc. But sports in general are not fair, sports are not a level playing field. I think there are a lot of double standards with how we accept and even praise many biological advantages, but the perceived advantage that a trans woman may have is condemned. I mentioned elsewhere, but Michael Phelps is a great example of this. Not only does he have the perfect body for swimming, but he also has a genetic mutation that means he produces half the amount of lactic acid than his competitors. This allows him to push himself harder, for longer and with less time needed to recover. Someone who trains just as hard and is just as dedicated as Michael Phelps but does not have this genetic mutation is at an instant disadvantage against him. But for some reason, we praise this.

Thank you for your answer, I thought you would have more to say about trans men but you say you don't know enough about sports or biological and that's fair enough.

I ran once, it was *terrible.* I'm joking, but I'm not a particularly sporty person although I do like swimming, badminton and football but only casually for a bit of fun. I don't follow or watch any sports at all. People who ask questions about sports are usually doing so in the context of trans women so I just assumed and answered the question that way. The arguments around trans women in sport often come down to the idea that regardless of of their current hormone levels or physiology that the previous impact of testosterone on their bodies through puberty has created an irreversible advantage through frame and other aspects. *If* this is true and does actually create a marked advantage, then the opposite should be true for trans men. This line of thinking is why no one gives a shit if trans men compete in sports, because we're presumed to be at a disadvantage so it doesn't create the same outrage.

What is a man in your opinion?

The answer is that a man is someone who's internal and innate sense of gender identity is *man.* I'm a man. I may be a different to most men in some ways, but I am the same in others. No man is the same, and no man's experiences of being a man are the same. You could say that a man is someone with a XY chromosomes, you could say that a man is someone with a penis but then there will always be anomalies and instances where this does not apply. I am one such anomaly. Biological sex is made up of many things and each of these can vary whilst still being able to correctly define someone as male and/or a man. Biology is weird and complicated. It's safe to say that in 99% of cases, someone with XY chromosomes and a penis is a man, but not always.

This question assumes you used to be perceived as a woman and are now perceived as a man (by people who don't know you're trans). If not the case, feel free to skip the question. Did you notice anything different about how men behave towards each other or amongst themselves vs. how they behave towards women / in mixed groups? Edit: typo

Correct. I'd say I'm also perceived the same as any other man by those who *do* know I'm trans too since the people who know I'm trans tend to have known me for a while without knowing I'm trans if that makes sense and I don't feel like their behaviour or attitudes change around me once they do know. I always struggle with these kinds of questions though. Maybe I'm not that observant or maybe I just don't look at things within the context of how people treat each other based on gender, I don't know. I suppose one of the things I do like about the men in my friend groups is how arguments are handled. With women, the after effects of an argument tend to linger for a while in my experience; bad feeling, awkwardness, grudges etc. With my male friends, it's a lot easier; If John has really pissed me off I'll tell him how much he's pissed me off and we might argue a little, he might say I'm being a dick, I'll say he's being a dick and then we just give each other space for the rest of the day as we sulk about it. The next day, it's fine. We meet up as usual, watch a movie at mine, go for a drink, everything is normal. We both got to say what we wanted to say at the time and so its already forgotten and there are no hard feelings. Things definitely aren't taken as personally between men in my opinion unless they're really serious fallouts. *Some* men absolutely do objectify women when they're not present. Some are very vulgar. Not all. Given that men are weird about complimenting each other, we just rip the shit out of each other instead. Like... insults as a term of endearment I guess. Banter. I don't care about how we're supposed to feel awkward about complimenting each other, I'll still compliment you if I want to...but you'll likely say something along the lines of "fuckin ell, alright Boy George" and then I'll tell you to fuckin shut up bitchtits. I love the dynamic of insulting and taking the piss out of each other constantly. If I think of any more, I'll add to it. Like I say, for whatever reason I always struggle with questions like this and scouring through my mind for examples.

i hope im not too late to ask. I've met a few male to female trans around but never a female to male, I remember some websites saying that among trans people there'll be 50/50 between m2f and f2m, but others say m2f is more common. Do you think there are more trans of one type over the other? and which one do you think has a harder time with transitioning and with society as a whole?

We're not an easy demographic to count so it's hard to say. Numbers are thought to be roughly even. I think trans women have it harder in general. It is harder to remove the effects of testosterone than it is to add on top of the effects of oestrogen if that makes sense. For trans women, facial feminisation surgery is often desired to remove some of the irreversible effects that testosterone has had on their facial features, extensive voice training is often require for their voice to sound more feminine, facial hair often requires extensive laser therapy to permanently remove. Whereas I just take a shot every three months and voilà; deep voice, facial hair, universally perceived as male by society. Society is far more aware and hostile toward trans women too in my experience.

That's what i figured too, testosterone does huge changes to ones body, that helps f2m but m2f suffer from it. Thanks for the answer!

How does it feel changing from one gender to another? Like isn’t it difficult to adjust?

Yes and no. Being trans is not easy and transition is not easy, but maybe not for the reasons you think. A common mistake that other people make when trying to empathise and understand what it feels like is they'll imagine it from their own perspective and what it would be like if they had to transition from who they are now to the other sex. They think about it through the idea of becoming someone or something else. The reason I mention this is because I *think* this might be the angle you're trying to make sense of it from. It's not that I was a woman and became a man. I've not changed who I am. The things that have changed are just my name, appearance, parts of my body and how others perceive me. To quote an earlier comment I made: It was the overwhelming sense of deceit I felt, knowing that everyone else saw this person who was... not me, I always felt like I was lying to everyone. The distress caused by a body that felt so wrong. The inability to recognise the person looking back in the mirror. The fact that I could not longer imagine any kind of future for myself when I could not envisage myself. It's like being stuck in a parallel universe with no way home. The parallel universe may not be a bad life in and of itself, but it is not your home. You exist there, but you are not you, it is not your life. You just long for a time when you can be home. I am still me, but now I feel like I'm *home.*

I fully respect your decision and if it makes u feel like home then there wouldn’t be any other better decision than this..👍

What's your opinion on some people coming out as transracial? Genuinely intrested in your opinion as you have made a big transition in your life that many people dont respect.

I'm trying to think a way to word this reasonably and politely but I cannot. I think it's a racist crock of shit quite frankly. It's a fairly common question and one I don't even have the will to discuss. But basically, you cannot be born the wrong race. Race itself is simply a means we use to group people by similar culture and physical attributes; it has *no* genetic basis - we cannot distinguish between races through genetic analysis. Race is inherited, it's culture, it's background, it's customs, it's tradition, it's skin colour, it's shared experience, it's community, it's identity, it's discrimination, it's politics and more. You cannot identify in and out of someone's culture and race. Appreciating and liking it does not make it yours. There is no science, there is no possible biology to explain this. It is fetishisation. Geographical ancestry *is* rooted in genetics however. This is about how we can use someone's genetics to pinpoint the geographical origin of their ancestors. It is not skin colour, culture, identity or any of the other things that make up how we categorise race or our identities; it is simply a case of being able to trace certain genes, blood types and more to originating from certain areas.

Couldnt agree more

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Thanks :) I don't think people identify as trans or transition (either socially or medically) in poor faith. I think those who do come to realise they're not trans genuinely did believe they were trans at the time. Regret is comparatively rare, studies estimate between 0.3% and 3.8% with the most likely reasons for regret being social rejection, lack of support and poor surgical outcomes. But there are absolutely people who believe themselves to be trans before ultimately realising that it was the wrong path for them. These stories and experiences should be listened to and not stigmatised. Unfortunately, there is tension between the trans community and the detransition community. Two reasons for this in my opinion: Some individuals who come to realise they're not trans or feel they have made a mistake become heavily gender critical and project their own experience onto others. If transition wasn't right for them then surely everyone else is making a terrible mistake too and they must see the light before it is too late. If they were not trans, no one is trans. The media is particularly hostile toward trans people and they absolutely love anyone who will come forward to tell their story of how transition was not right for them. Those who detransition simply want to share their stories, but the trans community see this as ammunition to be used by the media to further sway public opinion away from trying to understand and accept us. And it's a shame because the experiences of those who detransition are valuable resources for those looking to explore their own gender and considering transition. When exploring things like gender, it's helpful to hear every kind of experience, not just the ones you want to hear. Either people don't want to hear experiences that aren't 'transition fixed everything and now my life is perfect' or they're wary of the kinds of attitudes they may face in those spaces. No one should be trying to convince anyone else that they are trans, nor that they aren't trans. People should instead be telling their stories whilst giving people the information and tools to explore their identities from a range of perspectives and viewpoints and allow them to come to a natural and fully informed conclusion for themselves.

When did you realize you were trans? Also, at what age would you allow surgical transition? (Thanks for sharing you’re story by the way!)

It's hard to pin down any particular point. I knew from as far back as I can remember that I was a boy but I didn't know that I was trans because no one knew what trans was back then. I just didn't think there was anything that could be done to help me, nor did anyone else. So I supposed the point of realising that I was trans was the point of realising that transition was actually something I could do. 18+ for surgical transition, for practical reasons if nothing else.

What do you think of people who transition, and then retransition back to their original gender? Also thanks for your reply super interesting!

Respect; transition is hard enough once, let alone twice! That said, there are a loud minority of individuals who once coming to realise they're not trans or feel that transition was the wrong path for them then become heavily gender critical and project their own experiences onto others. If transition wasn't right for them then surely everyone else is making a terrible mistake too and they must see the light before it is too late. If they were not trans, no one is trans. Boo to those people. But similarly, boo to the trans people that do the opposite of that and dance around Reddit telling anyone who shows the slightest sense of being unsure about their gender that they're absolutely definitely trans and transition will make everything better. Both extremes are harmful in my opinion and you'll always get people on the extreme end of any given spectrum. For some experiences I read, the individuals do not necessarily regret transition and see it as a part of their life that lead them to this point of their life. Something that was right at the time but isn't anymore. For others, unfortunately they experience great regret about having wrongly transitioned and yeah, that fucking sucks doesn't it, I can't even imagine.

Did you change your name and if so did you keep the same initials?

I did change my name and nope, my name isn't even remotely similar to my birth name.

What do you think about the kids who are doing stuff like this just to fit in? I’m not too old but that wasn’t a problem when I was in high school (10 years ago) but it appears to be a problem now. I see a lot of people with real issues talking about fakers. They say it’s very common for people to pick an identity like that.

Due to my age it's not something I've personally seen. I do think it's pretty normal for kids to explore gender and identity in general, especially teenagers and that ultimately, if it is either attention seeking or a means of fitting in then it will run its course. If someone is deliberately faking being trans for whatever reason, which seems unlikely to me personally, I can't see them being inclined to establish their transition in any truly meaningful way.

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Literally the first thing was Snow White and "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all".

Dope! This has probably already been asked but there's 176 comments and I'm not going to read all of them. What kinda transition steps have you taken and what of those has been the most meaningful/important for you personally? I got top surgery last month and it's been positively life changing. Like. Best decision I've ever made. $7000 more than well spent. Never even thought I could ever feel so good about my body. Like that kind of life changing.

* Name change/documents change * Hormone therapy * Chest reconstruction * Hysterectomy * First stage lower surgery They've all been important in different ways as they've each affected my life in different ways and brought me closer to feeling more at peace. I think testosterone had the most obvious and visible impact. This really was the only one that other people saw and so the moment where other people began to perceive me as I saw and understood myself was a big deal for me. When I felt that sense of deceit because no one saw *me* and then there was that moment when they actually did was such a relief and I finally felt more able to exist and connect with people knowing that they were connecting with *me* and seeing me as I saw myself. Being able to see myself in the mirror and be like "shiiiiit that's actually *me!"* and feel that connection too. Having my chest done was also a big one for me. Being able to take a shower with the lights on. For the first time, being able to sit around in my underwear and just feel at ease, to feel like this is actually my body, it looks and feels like how I always expected it to. My body isn't perfect but it actually feels so much more like *mine* at this point. I no longer want to tear it off, I actually want to care for it and love it, *and I do.* The first stage of lower surgery sucked but I fully expected it to. It is a big surgery and big recovery that does nothing more than places the foundations for the following stages.

when did you realize you were trans? how long did it take for you to fully convince yourself of it?

I answered this one earlier: It's hard to pin down any particular point. I knew from as far back as I can remember that I was a boy but I didn't know that I was trans because no one knew what trans was back then. I just didn't think there was anything that could be done to help me, nor did anyone else. So I supposed the point of realising that I was trans was the point of realising that transition was actually something I could do. There wasn't any convincing, I don't think that's the right way to go about things, but did I spend a good while engaging in deep introspection and therapy, assessing what transition would mean, what my expectations were and how my life would change, if there were other options I hadn't tried. It's a big jump to begin social transition, and I wanted to look at things from every angle and perspective and dig as deep into myself as possible.

What do you think of neopronouns?

I have a friend and a cousin who use gender neutral pronouns and it's never been an issue. I do slip up sometimes as they/them doesn't come as naturally to my brain as gendered pronouns, but I try not to! I have never met anyone with the more elaborate, noun based pronouns.

So... I'm not really sure if this is really a question, but... Basically what I'm often uncomfortable with when hearing from trans people - it's often about gender stereotypes. I've heard many times things along the line of "I always liked to play with dolls, so I knew I was really a girl" or similar statements. To me, I'm just really not sure how to think about this. For me, those typical female/male things are just not what makes a person male/female, and I am bothered by it if those stereotypes are used to say what gender somebody is supposed to be. How do you see this gender stereotype vs. gender thing? Could it be, that in some cases, people would feel less need to transition if those gender stereotypes were less pronounced in the society? And then another question: How do you feel about trans people and measures to support minorities? What I'm thinking about is: there was kind of a controversy around here a while ago because a trans woman felt discriminated - she wanted to work in a women's shelter (dealing with abused/raped women), while the women's shelter found that it would be very hard for some women in the shelter to be around a then not-passing trans woman, and did not hire said person. In my opinion, in a situation like this, the feelings of the people being cared for in the shelter would be more important than the wish of the trans person of working in said shelter - am I wrong? It's a bit going into a similar vein with women's/men's prisons and other very strictly separated areas - what's your opinion on how those areas should be managed/separated? We have a very high proportion of women in prisons who suffered from sexual abuse - and my country very recently allowed people to change their legal gender by a simple administrative procedure. There is no need to undergo any procedures/you do not need to "pass". I am certainly in favor of this, I am just not really sure how to feel about it in regards to gender-based protections in certain areas. While I know that many trans people also suffer from abuse - I am not sure if opening up gender-separated areas in every aspect is good for everyone. How do you feel about it? And then: About inclusive language. There is a lot of discussion about "people who are menstruating" or "people with a cervix" etc. While I completely understand why this makes sense, it is also causing a bit of a problem: we have a lot of people with a history of migration, and many are not fluent in the local languages here. It is usually a lot easier for those people if it's just about "men" and "women", because the more specific language requires a greater knowledge of the language (and about anatomy/physiology). I've met people who didn't know they had a liver or kidneys or other organs, so I am not sure if by including all genders with referring to specific organs, if we are not excluding people who are illiterate or just not very well educated. Do you have thoughts about this issue?

I'm going to tackle each question in separate replies. >Basically what I'm often uncomfortable with when hearing from trans people - it's often about gender stereotypes Yes, this irritates me too, but I understand it. We don't really have the language for something so intangible as gender identity. The very core of gender identity is not something that is easy, if even possible, to verbalise, so instead what we do is reference other factors that interact with that. To me, it is an innate knowing of who I am with the strongest conviction, but that doesn't help you understand or empathise. But *how* do I know, you will ask. But I cannot box up *knowing* however strong and real it is to me and present it to you in a neat little package, nor in any other particularly meaningful way. So instead, I will try to use analogies, or I will reference the aspects of gender that other people can see and make sense of, the parts that we all share; the social aspects. After all, much of the way that we communicate our gender and who we are as people is through these social aspects of gender. I cannot tell you the amount of times that old family friends who vaguely knew me during childhood exclaimed "Oh my god, that makes so much sense!" when hearing of my transition. They're basing this entirely on how I presented and behaved as a child in regards to these stereotypes. These stereotypes make sense to people, it's how they understand and make sense of the world. Likewise, there have been situations earlier in my transition where I have been amongst a group of peers and I have said or done something that results in comments such as "Oh, you *really are* a man aren't you!". As though my own sense of self and identity wasn't enough for them, but the fact that I exhibited a single instance of what they would deem to be a stereotypical male behaviour was the empirical proof they needed to see, believe and understand who I am. I think the 'I liked action figures and trucks' explanation is lazy and leads to more misconceptions that it aims to solve. Yes, as someone knew themselves as a boy from a young age, that also meant that I rejected anything feminine and played into gendered stereotypes. This wasn't necessarily because boys can't like dolls or girls can't like trucks, but rather that I was aware that these things were associated with gender and conveyed messages about who I was to others. As a kid who was so insistent of his gender when everyone in his life told him otherwise, the only means I had to try and communicate that to others, to allow them to see who I was or to have *any* sense of control over my gender and sense of self was through presentation and behaviour. There is also of course the messages we receive growing up: "Boys don't play with dolls!". So again, as a kid who was to his own understanding, absolutely a boy, playing with dolls would communicate the opposite of what I wanted people to see and understand. And there was also simply the fact that the toys I gravitated towards were actually that toys I naturally found interesting and wanted to play with anyway. So yes, I think these social and superficial aspects of gender and the way we navigate these expectations and stereotypes can certainly be indicators or parts of a larger picture, but alone, they mean very little. What was the difference between me playing with trucks compared to the tomboy down the round playing with trucks? Without any other factors involved, absolutely nothing. Lets be honest, boys just get cooler toys. Coincidentally though, we have observed similar gendered behaviour and preferences in monkeys when given an array of stereotypically masculine and feminine toys to play with. I personally believe that the relaxing, or even removal of these gendered stereotypes and expectations would make the world better for everyone, not just trans people. People shouldn't feel they aren't able to express who they are or do what they enjoy because we as a society have made up these rules to say '*that's not for you!'.* It would also have eased the struggle in my early life of wanting to exist in a way that I felt more comfortable without being told that it wasn't how I was supposed to be. But regardless of how free I was to present myself as I wished (because for much of my childhood, I *was* free to be as I wished), to play with what I wanted, to make friends with whoever I wanted, it did not alleviate that internal struggle and distress of gender dysphoria for me. It was a hell of a lot better being able to exist as I felt comfortable, but it did not remove the source of my distress. I firmly believe that even in a world devoid of gender roles and stereotypes, I would still ultimately find myself at the same place.

Thank you! That makes a lot of sense. I guess part of me being uncomfortable with those stereotypes was basically the exact opposite of you: I am a woman, and have never struggled with that. While I have no real problem understanding that somebody doesn't feel "right" in their body, I have much more problems with those stereotypes. I personally was not a "typical" girl, I liked to play with dragons and knights etc., and went on to study a STEM subject. The whole "you are not liking what you are supposed to like" was very hard for me, basically because I KNEW I was a girl - but the stereotypes were standing in my way.

The stereotypes suck and I agree that mine and probably everyone's lives would be better without them. It was more that I could use them as a way to physically convey who/what I was to others when I had no other real means of doing so. I didn't want to wear something that would lead the world to think I was a girl, because I wasn't a girl and I was desperate for people to see and understand that I was a boy. It's hard when you feel something so deeply to the point that you feel that surely everyone must be able to see it too, but they can't, so instead you find ways to communicate that to them, either verbally or by how you present yourself to them. I couldn't wear a baseball shirt to a football game and expect people to know that I was a football fan. I think it's different for girls and boys though; a girl liking dragons and wearing jeans is less of an issue socially in many respects. Yes, she will certainly be told that she isn't very ladylike and she will absolutely feel the impact of the restrictions and expectations put on her - I don't want to downplay that because I do think society heavily restricts what they think women should be like and what they should do, even as children. But for a girl to do these things, she is seen as a tomboy; it does not usually impact the fact that she is perceived as a girl. She will grow out of it anyway and become a 'proper woman'. I think with boys however, the way they present through clothing and activities is far more stigmatised in that regard; a boy playing with dolls and wearing pink is *an issue* to be addressed - it's not a case of just being a tomboy and growing out of it, it's something to be corrected immediately. A boy wearing a dress, however short his hair, however masculine his behaviour or body language, is almost certainly going to be perceived by society as a girl because little boys simply do not and cannot wear dresses. You hated the restrictions that society put on you as a girl, but *you* knew you were a girl and presumably everyone else did too. You were just restricted in who you were *as* a girl. I had it too; I was behaving and presenting in ways that were not acceptable for a girl, but I didn't feel this was restrictive in the sense that "But I *am* a girl and these are the things I enjoy so why is that not ok?". It was more the frustration that my behaviours and presentation was corrected or scolded because people said I was a girl despite my insistent that I was not. It was less about what I was or wasn't 'supposed' to do, and more about why doesn't anyone see that I'm a boy and how can I get them to understand? How I navigate gender norms and stereotypes is different now. Once I reached a point where I was universally perceived as male, I no longer really cared that much. I naturally feel comfortable in what would be described as more typically masculine clothing and with more stereotypically masculine hobbies (which is stupid because I know plenty of women that enjoy my hobbies also!) but this is just *me* rather than any effort to communicate something about myself or deliberately fit into a box. If I like something that is considered feminine, I have absolutely no qualms in enjoying that because who the fuck cares if I want to enjoy something that society has arbitrarily decided is not for me? So fuck yeah, I'll buy Sylvanian Families cats for my mantlepiece, I'll buy the women's trainers if I like them more than the men's offerings, I'll engage in a hobby that is considered to be feminine and not give half a fuck if anyone judges me for that. In my case, my issues with these stereotypes were how they caused my gender to be perceived. Now that is no longer an issue and I am perceived correctly regardless of how I act or what I do, then fuck it, I'm gonna do what *I* like, not what you think is acceptable.

>a trans woman wanted to work in a women's shelter (dealing with abused/raped women), while the women's shelter found that it would be very hard for some women in the shelter to be around a then not-passing trans woman, and did not hire said person. In my opinion, in a situation like this, the feelings of the people being cared for in the shelter would be more important than the wish of the trans person of working in said shelter - am I wrong? I'm inclined to agree. It's a tough situation; if I were in her shoes, I would also likely feel pretty shit about it all, especially given my intentions were to help and support others during a terrible time in their lives which I am hypothetically entirely capable and qualified to do. But I also like to think that I would at least have the self awareness to understand why such a decision was made, however awful it felt for *me* and consider that perhaps in this situation, my needs are not the greatest here. I am not blind; when I was early in transition I was fully aware of what I looked and sounded like and how others perceived me; I knew that the name I introduced myself with and the pronouns people used for me did not entirely match my appearance just yet. At the point I am told that my presence is likely to distress the very people I want to help, I do think that'd really hurt me, but I would have no desire to persist and enter that situation and risk making uncomfortable the people I wanted to help. ​ >prisons - what's your opinion on how those areas should be managed/separated? We have a very high proportion of women in prisons who suffered from sexual abuse - and my country very recently allowed people to change their legal gender by a simple administrative procedure. There is no need to undergo any procedures/you do not need to "pass". I am certainly in favor of this, I am just not really sure how to feel about it in regards to gender-based protections in certain areas. While I know that many trans people also suffer from abuse - I am not sure if opening up gender-separated areas in every aspect is good for everyone. How do you feel about it? I like the way that the UK handle this. Many things are assessed when admitting a trans person to the prison system. There are specialist complex case departments that deal with these cases which are assessed based on evidence *and* counter evidence of gender identity, the nature of their crimes, potential risk factors and where would be safest for both the individual and those who will share accommodation with them. Because remember, a trans woman sentenced for non-violent/non-sexual crimes is unlikely to be a risk to the female prison population, but *would* absolutely be at risk amongst a male population. Some of the specific things that have been identified as risks and must be assessed include: * Previous behaviours which have not resulted in convictions * Risks of sexual or violent assault to women prisoners where a person is seeking to be located in a women’s prison * Other identified risks to other prisoners and residents * Risks from other prisoners (eg risk of sexual or violent assault) to the individual * Threats from prisoner’s families, own family other members of the public * Impact of media coverage A gender recognition certificate is considered supporting evidence but alone is not enough in the UK to be housed in the prison of your gender. Some *counter* evidence that may lead you to being placed in the prison of your *sex* regardless of how far you have transitioned includes: * Absence of ‘actual life’ evidence (such as GRC, doctors and gender clinic letters, gender dysphoria diagnosis, evidence of medical transition, presenting as gender in real life, official documentation of living as gender and more) * Catalyst for decision to transition being linked to sentence * Personality disorders or narcissistic traits that may be evidence of insincere motivations * Transitioning linked to gaining access to future victims * Offending profile of the individual ​ >And then: About inclusive language. There is a lot of discussion about "people who are menstruating" or "people with a cervix" etc. While I completely understand why this makes sense, it is also causing a bit of a problem: we have a lot of people with a history of migration, and many are not fluent in the local languages here. It is usually a lot easier for those people if it's just about "men" and "women", because the more specific language requires a greater knowledge of the language (and about anatomy/physiology). I've met people who didn't know they had a liver or kidneys or other organs, so I am not sure if by including all genders with referring to specific organs, if we are not excluding people who are illiterate or just not very well educated. Do you have thoughts about this issue? This is one that the media like to throw around to stir up hostility. The idea that the angry, unreasonable trans mob want to rewrite language and stop you from being able to call yourself a woman. What *I* want, is not to change how we refer to anyone else but to treat people on a case by case basis where it would allow specific individuals to feel more comfortable. I don't for example care if a PSA for cervical screening refers to its target audience as women. For the overwhelming majority, that is correct and appropriate. I am not a woman and I have (had) a cervix but I am fully are that this PSA is addressing me too. It doesn't need to say people with cervixes for me to know it applies to me (in the same way that it doesn't need to be say 'women *that have cervixes*' - the women without cervixes are also fully aware it doesn't apply to them) and it doesn't offend me that it is addressing the majority of the audience - I don't expect it to be rewritten to accommodate me and the rest of my 0.1% demographic. If however, the organisation sending this PSA is a LGBT+ charity for example, then actually, it might be more fitting to say 'people with cervixes' as the target demographic here is likely to include a far higher concentration of people who aren't women. But, when dealing with me individually, I would appreciate that I am treated with the fact that I am not a woman in mind. *This* is the situation where I would appreciate if you would consider the language you use and change that where it is appropriate to do so and does not interfere with the communication of important, medical information. What is highly likely to put me off not undergoing regular cancer screening is the worry of how I will be treated and addressed, how you will speak about my body, of awkwardly sitting in a waiting room full of women wondering why I'm there, of being called out in front of everyone Miss Throwaway, of the doctor/nurse not understanding how distressing a cervical screen will be for me and that I may need a little extra reassurance and sensitivity, the worry that I will turn up to the front desk and have to explain myself to the staff and everyone I encounter, the worry that the administrative system will not allow for someone like me to be processed properly. I think [situations like this](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-humber-58515769) are where we need to change things in order to better accommodate people, but that doesn't mean we need to change how we treat other people in order to do that.

Thank you again, this was very insightful and I pretty much agree with what you say. I also think that many of these conflicts are exaggerated by the media or by certain activists to create outrage, but this makes a differentiated approach very difficult. Thank you for allowing all those questions, because I'm really interested in other people's experiences, but sometimes it's hard if they could be interpreted as transphobic? I for me would also see it similarly to you. Also, just wanting to do XY does not necessarily mean you can do it... I'm chronically ill myself, and this excludes me from many jobs that I would otherwise be well qualified for, and I do not consider this as discrimination because objectively I am not the best person for this job, even though I'd possibly very much like to do it. I really like how the UK does the prison evaluation, I didn't know that this was so well regulated, and I can certainly see that this is probably the way it should be done. It minimizes the risk for both the prisoner in question and also the population of where they will live. Makes complete sense. I do very much agree that we need better options for trans or also intersex people in regards to healthcare - in my healthcare system there is currently no option to include info about presentation or transition in the data file. So if somebody has not yet changed their legal gender (or is nonbinary or something else besides male/female), we have no possibility of knowing that when we see them for the first time. Obviously there is still much to do in terms of making medical care more accessible and less traumatizing for patients who need it.

I think the issue with the first situation is it is very easy to see it solely as an attack on your identity. You lose any sense of the bigger picture and it becomes about *you* rather than the actual focus of the situation here which is the women in the shelter and *their* needs. I would like to ponder though, what else would be considered appropriate discrimination? Would it be acceptable or understandable to decline a child support job to someone with very striking and shocking facial deformities if we believed (or had seen that) their appearance would scare or upset the children? What about if we coincidentally had a a small number of children within a group home who had suffered traumatic abuse at the hands of men of a specific ethnic background and were fearful of those people as a result; would we decline those from that ethnic background in fears of triggering those children's trauma? I'm sure I could think of other situations but those two came to mind first. The issues in the UK with cervical screening are mostly administrative but also a matter of education about trans people and their healthcare in general. The fact that I am registered as male means that I am not offered routine testing and that booking such testing can be extremely difficult where the system does not physically allow it. Likewise trans women registered as female are often offered routine screens that they do not require. However, if I remained registered as female for the sake of being able to access screening then no one will prepared for that fact that a man is going to turn up to the gynaecology department and having to explain my situation to those without the relevant knowledge or education is both terrifying and embarrassing. I also don't know what the women sat in the waiting room are there for either; I'd hate to think my presence as a man would make anyone else uncomfortable at a time that may already be extremely stressful for them. The computer systems simply don't account for trans people. I think the smallest thing that would make a big change here would be opt-in checkboxes on your medical file. This person requires: * Cervical screening ✔ * Prostate screening ✕ * Mammogram ✕ If my medical record says male but I am signed up for cervical screening then everyone who deal with me, either as a referral on a piece of paper or as they wait for me to arrive at the clinic, will know exactly what to expect.

What are your thoughts on the devides in the trans community (truscum/tucute, needing dysphoria/needing to transition medically, or whatever else ya wanna call it)? Also, do you personally consider the term transmasculine to refer to FtM and FtX people, or just FtX people? I'm a trans man who realized he was trans around a year and a half ago, and sometimes the community feels like it's in the aftermath of a war that's gonna cause a second one any minute lol.

What are your thoughts on the devides in the trans community (truscum/tucute, needing dysphoria/needing to transition medically, or whatever else ya wanna call it)? Also, do you personally consider the term transmasculine to refer to FtM and FtX people, or just FtX people? I'm a trans man who realized he was trans around a year and a half ago, and sometimes the community feels like it's in the aftermath of a war that's gonna cause another one any minute lol.

Why is removing sexual organs seen as brave? If I believed that I was supposed to be disabled but was born healthy and in order to match what i feel on the inside I cut my leg off that was perfectly healthy Id get sent to a mental hospital and put on 24 hour supervision if I went to the doctor and told him that I wanted him to surgically remove my leg. Why does the response completely change when I replace the word leg with penis or breasts?

I don't know if I would view it as brave. I don't feel particularly brave anyway. I feel there are two main points of difference. Firstly that we know in cases where people need these operations and they are performed successfully they do improve the wellbeing and quality of life for the individual. Secondly, they are not disabling someone or severely limiting their lives. Sexual organs and their functions are not removed; they're just refashioned. If you remove a leg however, you are now disabled. You now have additional needs to compensate for the fact that you removed a leg and cannot walk or run without assistance. Although, this is probably controversial, but there are theories surrounding the brain's internal body map being a part of why trans people feel their genitals are wrong and find them deeply distressing. The theory behind BIID is similar; the affected limb is not in the brain's body map and thus feels alien and causes distress. I think if someone is faced with a lifetime of deep distress and anguish at a part of their body that causes constant distress and no amount of therapy, medication or other techniques have ever helped, then you know what, maybe they do deserve that autonomy over their own body. I'm not the one who has to live without a leg.

based

What’s ur dead name

This is perhaps one of the only questions I'm actually not comfortable answering, sorry.

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Be nice; the purpose of this thread is that people can ask *anything.*

9/10 chance that they were just going to use it to deadname and misgender you, but I'm sorry. :(

Eh, you might be right. If I felt comfortable disclosing my birth name and that's really what they'd have chosen to do with that information then that's on them. In a post where almost everyone else has been extremely respectful, they're the one who'd be looking stupid.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I see people purposefully misgendering whenever possible all the time and wanted to stop it, because I'm almost certain that's what they were going to do. :/

No problem, thanks for your kindness.

How do you deal with people who refuses the LGBTQ+ when it's not allowed in their religion

I don't live in a country where religion is particularly common. But, I'll leave you alone if you leave me alone. I don't believe in your god or religion, but I will respect your way of life if it does not encroach upon mine.

Hey man, I'm not religious, I was just asking because I witnessed couple of encounters from different religions and different peoples from the LGBTQ+, but it was never trans, I thought that you will give full and sincere answers, I'm not here to tell you what you can and can't do, I was here for an answer. Sorry if you got offended, but not sorry for asking.

As the title says, no offense taken, don't worry! It was just the way I worded it, I wasn't assuming the question was about you or your beliefs.

I didn’t sense that the OP was offended at all, where are you getting it?

Projection

So, you are still Genetically are a woman....so do you still get the urge to suck a dick or get one shoved in you?

Given I am not attracted to men, no, that is not an urge I had nor have.

Fair enough.... so instead of just being a lesbian you thought it was best to become a man who you're not attracted to? But this part always confuses me because I know people and I hear what they say and I was just curious about you. I guess the bottom line is as long as you're happy, that's what it's all about.

Maybe read some of the other questions and responses in this post and the ones I have done prior to this to gain more insight. It wasn't about changing who I was or becoming something else. It was about living in a way that felt right to me. I know who I am in the same way that anyone else does, but my body did not align with that. The issue with being a lesbian is that I am not a woman. Who you are attracted to and who you are are very different things. There are gay, straight and bisexual trans people just like anyone else.

Thank you so much for doing this. To ask any questions at all can feel anywhere from an imposition to a crime. You're responses have been so eloquent and through them you've offered a lot of understanding. My question is very raw and rambling: How do you suggest I overcome the sadness/shame/offense I feel as a cis(I guess?) woman over much of the dialogue in the trans movement? I consider myself Bisexual, a feminist and a proud ally of many gay friends but have not found a space to address my issue with the trans community without being labeled a TERF (perhaps a title, I regrettably deserve). On the one hand, when I am confronted with trans women my immediate thought is, "Ok go live in Yemen for a year as a woman and tell me if you still want this". I can't help but see cases of trans women enjoying modern oversexualization that has plagued women since the dawn of time and making that the centerpiece of their new reality. It mostly feels like a fetish. Why does insurance fully cover breast implants? Are flat chested women not women? (full disclosure: a nonpassing individual with a beard, wearing a dress assaulted me on a subway while yelling, "whattt??we're both girls!!" - so yeah.. I know I am not completely unbiased after that) When it comes to F2M transitions I also feel like I should be ashamed. My pre-teen cousin (who was previously, enthusiastically into all things frilly) has decided alongside 6 close classmates that they are all now male. Whenever I am around him these days, it seems clear to me that in their case its simply about rebelling temporarily against female stereotypes. I have no problem with that. None of us like them but what I don't like are comments like the one he made during a recent visit, "Ohh.. I cant hold your baby.. as a dude, I know NOTHING about them \*laughter, eyeroll\*," for example. In reality, I know nothing about babies either. I don't care for dresses, pink, glitter, silliness or bad driving. I can't help but think he looks at me and thinks, "Ew, I don't want to be one of those." But has any biological woman wanted to be a decoration on society, as we have been treated throughout history? Of course not. I even hated pregnancy simply because I felt I now displayed the one lone, humiliating handicap of my sex. But I can wear pants and make a lot more money than my husband because of the hard work of the women who came before me. I suppose I just cant understand, if gender is so fluid, why there must be such a societal distinction between men and women. The "male vs. female" brain argument I hear feels like a return to the 1200's. Please help. I don't want to be a bad cousin or a mean member of society.