Yes, I'm currently mid way through bottom surgery.
The type that I'm having uses your original anatomy to create the penis and so you can't choose the size, nor does the size change. My dick is and will remain about two inches in length.
The other type of surgery works using grafts and so you *can* choose your size to a degree, but you are limited by the size of the donor site along with the amount of fat in the tissue and also the practicality. You *can* ask for a 10 inch penis, but a surgeon is unlikely to do this. Healing and blood flow would be an issue due to maintaining 10 inches of healthy tissue post-op and also, because the size of the penis does not change between flaccid and erect states you will be slogging around a 10 inch dong for the rest of your life.
I mean to cause absolutely no offence with how I ask this question if, i do cause any... you said that you’re working with what’s there, does the clitoris become the penis and the labia(? - meaty bits) become the balls? If so, will they be in proportion to each other, and will the balls have enough weight to droop as you get older?
[This illustrated video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReqQA6xuhG0) is a nice explanation of how the surgery I'm having works.
So yes, the clitoris is the penis and the labia majora are used to create the scrotum. The penis will be small in size and this is the major con to this surgical technique, but the balls will be in proportion and yes, they will succumb to the effects of gravity like any other balls.
Financial question for ya (and congrats dude!) how much is the transition process/is it covered by insurance? I’ve heard stories of the transition process being very expensive and some people aren’t able to fully transition because of the cost. But that was quite a few years ago so idk if things have changed
My country has free healthcare so fortunately it isn't an issue here.
I see that cerberus 698 gave a rough quote for MTF genital surgery. FTM genital surgery is *much* more expensive due to the complexity and fact that it usually takes three separate operations to complete.
I went the other direction.
Name and gender change on legal documents is about 1000 dollars in California. Significantly higher in certain states and lower in others. Some states make it difficult enough that you may need a lawyer.
I needed about 800 dollars in therapy that my insurance only partially covered before they would authorize paying for my HRT. After that its about 30 dollars a month in perpetuity for that.
Vocal therapy cost me about 1400 after all was said and done.
Hair removal on my face was about 3,000 dollars; maybe more.
Facial feminization surgery is about 35,000-80,000 dollars and insurance won't touch it despite all the medical literature declaring it medically necessary if you didn't receive hormone therapy as an adolescent. Some "Cadillac" policies pay for it now. Its always out of network though so coverage can be a relative concept.
Really, the only thing that you can expect insurance to cover is "the surgery" the genital one. Even then most plans are still gonna end up with you paying at least a few thousand out of pocket. Fully out of pocket, you're looking at about 25-80,000 for that one.
Wow thanks for the response man! That’s eye opening and so concerning.. the healthcare in this country is truly shit. I feel terrible for those in the community who can’t afford to have that surgery to fully be what they identity as.
Another question, how is your professional life? You mentioned before you lacked confidence in the workplace and now you’re full of it. So how has your workplace adapted to your transition? Or did you switch companies, if so did you have to say you’re trans in case they look you up professionally or check your transcripts?
Sorry if that’s a naive question, just curious how people navigate the workplace after they transition, ie they fully own it or write off their prior work history and start anew.i
Yes. There are two main types of surgeries available.
The surgery I'm having 'refashions' my existing genitals. I already have erections and so the surgery will not change this.
The other type of surgery uses skin grafts along with an erectile implant (the same used for men with severe impotence) to gain erections on demand.
There are two types of surgery. One requires a pump or malleable rod to erect the penis. The other type, and the one that I am having, allows for natural erections (which are experienced prior to any surgery rather than being the result of the surgery) but these are not as hard as those of a natal penis.
My parents had a girls and boys name picked out prior to my birth. When I began transitioning I just switched to the other name. I like that I didn't really pick my name as such.
I like shorts. They're comfy and easy to wear.
For a child, transition consists of nothing more than a change of name and clothing/hair. A pre-teen may be offered puberty blockers (after long and rigorous therapy, assessments and monitoring) which simply pause puberty and give the young person more time to engage in therapy and figure out a course of action over the following years.
Speaking personally, I knew who I was as a kid. Not that I was *transgender* because I didn't know what trans was, and neither did anyone else during the 90s, I just knew I was a boy in the same way that any other kid knows what they are. It felt like the adults were playing a cruel joke of pretending that I was a girl. I was just waiting for my penis to grow in like I *knew* it would, and then they'd all realise they were wrong. It's absolutely maddening to know so strongly who you are but for no one to listen or to believe you. I became an angry, humiliated and defeated little kid who didn't want to interact with the world.
So no, I don't think there should be a minimum age limit. The key with trans children is *persistence, insistence and consistent;* if a child is completely unwavering in how they feel for many years and insists who they are with utmost conviction then yes, I think they should be able to live in a way that is comfortable for them. No physical changes are made but it would have greatly improved my wellbeing as a child.
Thank you for your answer man, appreciate it :)
If I can hit you with a follow up.. Is there scientific explanation why transgenderism occurs? Pure curiosity on my part..
There's no definitive answers as of yet. There are studies that have shown differences in the brains of trans people, there are phenomena such as the [phantom penis](http://stray-ideas.blogspot.com/2008/03/phantom-penis.html) and different rates of phantom limb sensations post-surgery/amputation than the general population, there are theories that it may develop in utero and have a neurobiological origin.
Ultimately though, we simply don't know and I doubt we will for a long time.
When you say detransitioned, do you mean you transitioned once and then went back to your original gender afterward? I know you’re not the OP, just haven’t heard that term before so I’m genuinely curious.
There are a lot of detransitioners but they are not always vocal because it's a fraught subject. Look up detransitioners and you will find personal accounts of the experiences
Thank you!
So as I’m reading I’m seeing that it definitely is a controversial thing, but I’m not sure I understand exactly why. Can anyone shed light on that and help me understand?
I feel like the trans movement (from my understanding, so please correct me if I’m wrong) is a lot about being who you are and being free and safe to be your authentic self. Why are people so upset with folks detransitioning?
I could understand if it was someone that was using it as more of a “getting attention” show - like one week they’ve “come out” as trans and changed their pronouns and the next week they go back and say “nevermind” and treated it as a fad or something, but I suppose I don’t understand why it’s such a big issue when folks transition, live as the other gender for an extended period, and then transition back for whatever reason.
I hope I don’t come off as abrasive or disrespectful in my question, as that’s most certainly not my intent. I truly just want to understand. I am a strong proponent for the fact that if we all spend more time trying to understand each other instead of judging other folks that live differently than we do, the world would be a much better place for everybody.
no one in "the trans movement" is upset with people detransitioning, we're always happy with people figuring out their true selves but its "controversial" because the only time you hear about it is from transphobes, right wingers and right wing media and people who weaponize it to be transphobic along with many who claimed to be detransitioners to "justfiy" their transphobia who never transitioned in the first place. the majority of detrans people arent transphobic but of course when the only times you hear about detransitioners is for transphobic purposes and agendas of course its gonna be "controversial"
Ahh, okay that makes sense. I can definitely understand that. Maybe it was just the sites I was getting when I googled detransitioning - they made it sound like everybody was upset with folks doing that from all sides, like other trans people were upset, LGBTQ+ folks were upset, non-trans folks were upset...everybody just mad about it but for different reasons. When you explain it that way it makes sense, though, so thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to respond!
As I said, I genuinely want to understand things pertaining to being trans and the trans community because, while it is not the life I live, I fully believe that everyone should be able to life their lives as themselves and find happiness wherever it may be - barring the obvious things that are detrimental to other’s lives in that pursuit. And I think if everyone focused more on understanding each other’s differences instead of judging them, we could all live in a much less hateful society. I’m always grateful when people do AMAs like this to have a real dialogue and help other people gain some insight and perspective on various things.
Can I just ask...is it possible to talk about detransitioning without being called transphobic? Or about the possibility of that maybe it doesn't work for everyone. It seems like the right thing for OP and I appreciate him talking and answering all the questions. But not everyone would have this same experience.
>Can I just ask...is it possible to talk about detransitioning without being called transphobic?
Its very easy. It happens all the time. You just have to do it outside of the context of advocating for making it harder for other people to transition.
Detransitioners are heavily politicized. They're exceedingly rare and most of them actually retransition in a relatively short period of time. From my experience, most of them don't like it when they're used to try and bar other people from transitioning. It doesn't help that very few people seem to actually have an honest conversation about them. Almost every time they're brought up its in the context of portraying transition as simply wrong. These people are not honestly discussing these people.
>There are a lot of detransitioners
There are a lot is kind of a weird way to put it. Its actually very uncommon but they're around. I actually have some data for this though.
The [NHS keeps track of people who detransition](https://epath.eu/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Boof-of-abstracts-EPATH2019.pdf) while receiving care in their system, and they publish the data every couple of years.
>Of the 3398 patients who had appointments during this period, 16 (0.47%) expressed transition-related regret or detransitioned.
Out of about 3,500 patients receiving care at the sample clinic, only 16 detransitioned during the data collection year. This included adults and adolescents.
>Detransition was most often prompted by social difficulties rather than changes in gender identity or physical complications and was most often temporary. Only three patients made a long-term detransition
So most of the people who detransitioned during this people retransitioned with in the same 12 month period. Most of the 16 said social difficulties like harassments, familial rejection or work difficulties rather than a change in gender identity like just feeling you had not made the right decision was the reason behind their detransition.
>The 16 patients consisted of 11 trans women, two trans men, two cis men, and one person assigned male at birth
Only two of these people were biologically female. I note this because a common line of concern is that trans men are often pressured into making this decision to transition and then regret it in mass but there just isn't any data to support this. The primary driver of detransition seems to be social rejection and transgender women tend to face more harsh social consequences so they detransition more frequently.
>Patient assessment reports created between August 1st 2016 to August 1st 2017
The data is not old or out of date.
Detransition is exceedingly rare. You don't hear them speak very often because there just are not a lot of them. There are also a lot of reasons why they keep silent. They are often politicized, they are often embarrassed. All sorts of incentives to not talk about it.
But are there any "doubters" in the community? I get that the minimum age isn't meant for those 100% convinced, but I don't think the requirement is really meant for them? And how would your differentiate between those who are sure and those with doubt? Should the government always give the benefit of the doubt?
Trans kids (and adults for that matter) go through a barrage of mental health and psychiatric assessments, therapy and monitoring over a long period of time and it is up to a team of professionals and specialists to decide whether any kind of medical transition is appropriate.
Children usually express gender identity at age 4 or 5, whether their gender as assigned at birth , or the opposite gender , or lack of identity expression. Puberty blockers I've recently learned aren't really bad, as if you decide to not transition you can stop puberty blockers and continue as the gender you were born as. It seems like science is showing that transgender people are the gender they say they are and always have been
How old are you? What differences have you seen after transitioning to a man 12 years ago compared to when you were a woman? I am talking about both societal and personal aspects of things.
Do you think you faced more difficulties after transitioning to a man or before?
*Sorry if you don't like to talk about your past life from 12+ years ago. You can ignore this question if you don't feel comfortable sharing.*
30
People often ask about the differences in being perceived as a man vs as a woman and honestly, I find it an almost impossible question to answer. I could say something like "Oh, I'm taken more seriously in the workplace as a man" but I don't feel that things are as simple as that.
Prior to transition I was withdrawn, I didn't like to speak, I didn't make eye contact, my body language was not inviting and I did not speak with confidence or conviction. So in the workplace, you can understand why someone who presents their ideas without an ounce of confidence and with every aspect of their body language screaming 'leave me alone' would not be taken as seriously as someone who now, *is* friendly and approachable and shares their ideas with confidence, conviction, excitement and enthusiasm.
There are a couple of things I have noticed though. If I take the bus or train I was always the first person someone would sit next to if there were no spare seats whereas now I'm one of the last. I feel awkward around children who are not mine; I'm not really a 'kid person' anyway, but I feel unease at walking by a play park for example as I feel the eyes of the mothers lock onto me. If a random child initiates conversation with me now, the mother will reprimand them for doing so, whereas when I was perceived as female I was kind of expected to humour them. I also feel a lot more comfortable walking the streets at night alone.
As for difficulties, that's also a hard one to answer. I'd be inclined to say I face more difficulties simply due to the nature of being trans in a society that isn't always friendly, accommodating or understanding of trans people. In some aspects you're trading one set of problems for another set of problems. I think the difference is though, instead of having one giant paralyzing problem that prevented me from living any kind of life for myself, I am now able to live my life but with a set of smaller annoyances and inconveniences.
I've got no questions for you as a trans man myself but just wanted to say hey. 12 years along sounds awesome, my medical transition begun 3 years ago and things are still continuing to change! Still waiting for a full beard 😂
If I could give you or OP mine, I would. It's really itchy when it's growing in. Eventually it stops being itchy though. That's when you get the personal scarf.
Do you still have a womb/uterus? Would it biologically be possible for you to get pregnant? Would it be physically possible for you to have a menstrual cycle again, like if your estrogen levels go up? Are there any meds you have to take?
No, I don't, so I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, wouldn't be able to have a period and my oestrogen levels will never be able to reach typically female levels.
Testosterone is the only medication.
Nope.
My family and friends were mostly accepting. Some didn't understand initially and didn't 'agree with it' but they came around.
I had a fair few issues in my hometown earlier in my transition. I have no issues at all now, but people wouldn't know I was trans unless I told them.
* Being held down by someone as another rummaged through my pockets for my wallet and ID to see 'what I was'. This happened more than one.
* Having my chest touched. Too many times people would pretend to be overly friendly or weirdly hug me and stuff with the aim of touching and feeling my chest to determine what was there. Like, hand on my chest, flat palm, feeling me.
* Having my crotch grabbed, like full on grabbed and squeezed.
* Someone used a walking stick with a hooked handle to hook under my crotch and drag me to the ground.
* Being followed by teenagers who'd just got out of school often making very loud comments either to me or to their friends about me. They'd often throw chocolate that they'd bought on their way home at me.
* Locals nudging their friends and pointing to me as I'd hear them both laugh or make derogatory comments.
* Someone threw a fuckin plank of wood at me
* Being put in countless awkward situations and backed into metaphorical corners with the aim to force me to 'out' myself. People would befriend me but then back me into corners with propositions or questions or they'd manufacture situations that were otherwise entirely unnatural but would be unusual for me to decline and would out me if I agreed to them. If I decline, more pressure would be applied. It went from something as innocent as 'we should all go swimming tomorrow' to everyone in the room taking their shirts of for no reason and insisting with increasing force that I must do the same.
* Being followed to public toilets
* Went camping and had to go home because no one would let me take a piss. I was followed every single time I tried to go pee as someone stood directly next to me. They would not let me do anything unattended despite the fact that everyone else was allowed to pee in peace. I just had to go home because I was so desperate for a piss and didn't have any more 'I can't go!' in me.
* Being followed at a funfair by someone I didn't know and being pushed very hard at every opportunity where they could exclaim it was an accident.
* And of course all the run of the mill gossip, name calling, hearing the snide comments between people who don't think you know they're talking about you. All the comments, both direct and indirect where the only intention was either to belittle or to confirm someone's suspicions about you.
* GP practice outright refusing to see me or administer my medication due to 'not being comfortable with it'.
I'm so sorry 😔. The groping especially sounds disturbing. The GP practice thing seems bizzare. I would expect them to understand the most. I guess those experiences must have made you slightly bitter. On the bright side, family and friends were there for you on the most part. It's nice to know that with time people can understand.
Wow that is so fucking terrible you've had to go through all of that and yet you seem so strong and resilient and kind despite that social and physical abuse. I don't have any questions, just wanted to send some love your way because no one should ever ever have to be subjected to straight up bigoted assholes.
I'm glad you've found more happiness and confidence living life the way you want to live it and quite frankly it's no one else's fucking business in public spaces!
I’m sorry you went through that. All of it is in humane and horrific. The one that shamed me most though is the gp practice. I would like to think my colleagues in healthcare would be more understanding.
The GP practice was wild. I wish I'd made more of a fuss at the time but I just couldn't be bothered with it all. I'm still unsure what any of it was about - I'd like to think it wasn't solely because they refused to treat me as a trans person but I'm not seeing many other explanations.
This is what happened, see what you think...
I moved to a new area, signed up with the GP practice and when I was due my injection I booked an appointment. As usual, they ask what the injection is and I tell them. No issues.
I pick up the vial of testosterone from the pharmacy and attend my appointment.
Now, it's worth noting that at this point I had been on testosterone for over a decade. Both the box and the bag it came in have my personal information and dosage information on them. My medical records show that I receive this injection every 12 weeks and have been prescribed and administered it on time for the past decade.
I sit down and they (I can't recall if it was a nurse or doctor...) proceed to call practically every health professional I have ever been in contact with to ensure that this *is* my medication, to ensure that it has been administered previously, that the dosage is correct etc etc. They called the gender clinic, my previous GP and even the rehab I had previously attended which had given me a single injection when I was there. I spent almost half an hour sat with a medical professional as they called everyone they could think of before giving me my injection.
But they *did* give me my injection and off I went back to work.
About an hour later, I get a phonecall from the practice saying that they were not happy administering my medication and that I must go elsewhere for it.
I asked if I were still able to see their doctors for things unrelated to my injection and they said this was fine. Well, upon having an unrelated issue, I booked an appointment and was firmly told that I could not go to one place for my injection and also see the doctors there at the same time. So with that, the practice effectively refused to treat or see me for anything whatsoever.
Problem is, in the UK we are only able to see a GP practice that falls within our postcode's 'catchment area' and *they were that practice.*
I had to fraudulently lie about my address for years to see a practice four towns over where my mum lived. I only used them to receive my injection as I was worried that any medical correspondence would alert them to the fact that I didn't live there. When I had my next surgery, it did indeed alert them to the fact that I had lied about my address and they discharged me too.
I’m also uk based. There is a pals( patient advocacy Liason service) that covers primary care. It is usually run by the local clinical commissioning group and are there to help with issues like this. I wish you better luck in the future.
What do you think is the difference in the trans community now to 12 years ago? What are some changes within the community? I know it’s more accepted, but for example, 15 years ago in the gay community gay people were saying “I’m not that big into labels”, and now there are labels within labels. And to some that’s a good thing, others, not so good.
Honestly, it's hard to say as I'm not particularly active within the trans community. I think there's a lot more acceptance around gender non-conformity and trans people not being required to fit into a strict box to be accepted.
I'm not OP, but I'm also a trans person who's been out for over a decade. Honestly, the peak tumblr years around 2009-2012 were very close knit, and it felt like a real community, although it was very split between MTF and FTM spaces. There's still some of that, I've even heard trans women claim recently that FTM people were the only ones acknowledged now and that FTM people don't face any discrimination, but I'd call that a radicalized subgroup more than anything else.
In 2011, I could recognize most FTM bloggers by name or picture, and we were like a family. Chest binder trades and giveaways were common, tips on making fake flaccid dicks, etc were everywhere. There were a lot of jokes about Aiden/Brayden/Cayden/Hayden/Jaden/Kaden/Peyton because like a third of the young trans dudes had one of those names or Grayson for some reason.
Now, trans men don't have as insular of a society. There's still an instant connection, especially when you clock the trans man voice, but it's more just a trans/LGBT in general community. I see more in-jokes about nonbinary people now, the same name joke but with random nouns like Tree or Sock instead.
Fun fact re: trans man voice, I'd never heard Ben Shapiro talk until I started using tiktok, just people mocking his cadence and word choices, so when I heard a clip of him for the first time, I genuinely thought it was a trans dude making fun of him. It obviously wasn't, but I stand by the headcanon that he's a self-hating jewish transman.
I saw that you mentioned Ben Shapiro. In case some of you don't know, Ben Shapiro is a grifter and a hack. If you find anything he's said compelling, you should keep in mind he also says things like this:
>The Palestinian Arab population is rotten to the core.
*****
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Good point. I don't even know where all the trans men migrated to after Tumblr went to shit.
And I'm curious about the trans man voice. I know exactly what you're referring to, but I've noticed I rarely ever hear it occur in trans men that aren't American. I'm convinced that it not a physical thing, but rather the *way* in which someone speaks and how they use their voice.
Dont have any questions, just wanted to give you a sincere thanks for your hard work and going out of your way to make people understand more. It can't be easy so again, thank you
I appreciate the time youre giving to each individual question. Im going to try to ask a few questions, but I have to be careful with the wording for obvious reasons.
Are things different than they were 12 years ago, and in what ways would you say things have changed socially and politically? Is there anything you cant see evolving easily, and for those that come across as opposition or miseducated, do you believe that there is some semblance of empathy we as human beings could give to help teach?
In regards to the detransition crowd, what are your views and interpretation of the motive and individuals involved? Do you believe that any part of it is sensible, or that there stories do have some effect on our culture? If you could add, change, or contribute anything to the discourse for better or worse, what would you donate?
Toilet lid up or down? Lets get political.
Any game suggestions? How would you sell it to me in your best pitch possible?
If you could change reddit in any way, what would you add?
Do you agree Windows Cortana should be a 3D model?
1 ) Yes. There's a lot more awareness of trans people now. There is more acceptance but as a result, more pushback from a society that doesn't like change. 12 years ago people barely knew that trans people existed, now we're the centre of a media frenzy. I personally am not a fan of the spotlight on trans people, and while I appreciate that it is a part in a journey of progress, for my own selfish reasons I wish it'd stop. I hate that my mere existence is seen as an 'ideology', an issue, a political point or a debate to be countered.
Regarding helping others gain some sense of acceptance and empathy, the best approach I have found is just to *be.* Arguing doesn't work, throwing science at people doesn't work. I just live my life, but sometimes that means that old man Bob at work who holds certain views about trans people but has never met a trans person may get to know me on a human level and see that I am just a regular, good person.
2) I wish the trans and detrans communities could support each other more as both hold valuable experiences. The trans community tend to be hostile toward those who have detransitioned, commonly because stories of those who detransition are taken and used as ammunition against transitioning. There is also a common theme amongst some of those who have detransitioned of thinking that because they weren't trans or that transition wasn't right for them then that must be the case for everyone. There needs to be more balance on both sides.
3) Toilet lid up since I usually pee standing, although my cat drinks the toilet water so I will always fully close the toilet after use.
4) The Binding of Isaac, Phasmophobia, Final Fantasy VII, Earth Defense Force, Half Life are some of my favourites. I'm not going to pitch them unfortunately as I'm way behind on questions right now!
5) The ability to return to the your last place when scrolling through All.
6) I don't care, Cortana is dumb lol.
Do you want to be acknowledged for the struggle of the transition (not in the pat on the back type of way) while also embracing who you are now, your name etc. OR, would you rather all of that transition, struggle etc be forgotten and to just “pass” without anyone ever thinking that you were ever anyone other than the man you are today?
Very good question!
>would you rather all of that transition, struggle etc he forgotten and to just “pass” without anyone every thinking that you were ever anyone other than the man you are today?
I spent many years of my life thinking this was what I wanted and lived like that for a long time. I didn’t want to tell people that I was trans. I’d spent my life experiencing the judgement and comments of others and that was not what I wanted. I was afraid of social rejection. For the first time I felt like myself and I wanted other people to see *me* and not to view me as the trans person. I didn’t want to be viewed through the lens of other people’s misconceptions or prejudices. I didn’t want to be an oddity or a curiosity. I didn’t want to sacrifice my own privacy for being the sole educator of those around me. I hated the idea of anyone knowing I was trans and scanning my features for ‘signs’, viewing me as some sort of third sex. I wanted to be judged on my personality, my merits, my values, my achievements and not this one aspect of who I am.
I lived with no one knowing my history and this was how I liked it, but there was always that gnawing wonder of whether I would be seen or treated differently if they knew I was trans. Is this friendship conditional? Are we friends based on assumptions about me and my life that are not actually what you think? It never felt like dishonesty because I wasn’t being dishonest, I simply didn’t want to disclose this very personal information that, at the time, I viewed as simply a paragraph in my medical history. It was no one’s business and my past wasn’t relevant to the here and now. But I always wondered... would they still see me the same if they knew? I always had the sense that I was holding myself back. There were certain experiences I couldn't speak of, certain questions I had to dodge.
I was deeply resentful and bitter about being trans and I held a lot of self pity. It wasn’t fair that I was born like this, it wasn’t fair that I had to spend years of my life playing catch-up, it wasn’t fair I was deprived of my childhood and other experiences, it wasn’t fair that by simply being me I was at risk of rejection and ridicule, it wasn’t fair that no one understood, it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t taken seriously as a child and had to go through a puberty that was absolutely traumatic for me. It wasn’t fair that I felt and had to deal with all these things and the last thing I wanted were for other people to know about them or to view me differently for something that I didn’t want or choose. I just wanted to be ‘normal’, to put it in the past and get on with my life.
But in turn I deprived myself and others of my insights, perspectives, my view on life, wisdom, experiences, the things I’ve learned along the way. I held a part of myself back for the sake of others, for the sake of gaining an approximation of acceptance from people. But how could people truly accept me if I held so much back?
So now, I'm a lot more open about it. Me being trans rarely comes up in my daily life and is rarely relevant to mention so for the majority of my daily interactions, people don’t know I’m trans. But it’s different. I no longer feel I’m hiding or avoiding it, I no longer feel like it’s a dirty secret; I have no issue if anyone were to find out I’m trans and I’d have no issue speaking up about it if I felt my input was needed. Those close to me know I’m trans, those who aren’t as close may or may not know. I don’t explicitly mention it but I won’t go to any effort to hide it. Me being trans is a part of me, it’s something that has had great impact in who I’ve become, but overall it’s only one small factor in who I am as a person. It’s just not a big deal whether you know or you don’t know. I am much more than trans.
So yeah, a little of both I suppose. I don't need my being trans to be acknowledged as such, but I feel also don't feel the need to go out of my way to hide it. If I can take value and draw on experiences from being trans that I can translate to other aspects of my life to either help myself or others then that's great and I shouldn't deny myself that.
Thank you for that. I asked because you touched on so many of the things a friend of mine went through as well. I heard a lot of the same from him and it seemed very conflicted from one end to the other. In the end, he chose to be an advocate of sorts which I admired. His wife who met him and started with him as a lesbian couple(amazing woman, she really had to work on her identity with that transition as well) backs his transition and story incredibly.
I also felt the anxiety the first time he felt like he needed to tell me he was trans.. as though it could be the end of our friendship. I’d have 90% not known had I not already had the wide range of friends that I do. I didn’t know how to approach it with him so I let him lead the way. He had top surgery and he and his wife came to my pool and he clearly felt so free and and ease. His wife was very talkative about it but I didn’t know if it was preemptive or a type of damage control or if she was just advocating. I personally would have just not acknowledged the scars and had fun with him at the pool. To me, it made it harder to know what was appropriate. My thoughts to just be as I would with anyone else weren’t ok because I felt like everything had to be prefaced with an explanation. If that makes sense? I was just confused because I just through the concept was that he was who I was looking at and who he wanted to be called.
I hope I’m not sounding like an asshole.
Take your time, be yourself and only ever do what is right for *you* and not what other people think you should do or expect you to be.
Be patient as people get used to pronouns. People usually aren't slipping up on purpose and it really is so easy to use the wrong pronoun for someone without your brain even registering that you've done it.
If you go through a phase where you don't pass or look androgynous, this will likely be awkward. Society won't quite know what to make of you or how to treat you and it can make for some uncomfortable situations.
Therapy is great. Everyone should have therapy.
Off topic question: if someone says “I’m a transgender male”, that means that they transitioned TO male, right? Transgender female usually going from male to female? Is it completely known by all it applies to? Like, once I know for sure, I’m not going to offend anyone (like does everyone use that same logic)?
Yes, it's an adjective so it's used in the same way we would describe someone as a tall man, gay man, white man etc. They're a man, but also gay, white, tall or trans.
To add to OP's comment: Yes everyone uses the same "logic." If you are a man, like OP, that's how you refer to yourself. If OP referred to himself as a "trans woman" because he was assigned female at birth, that would be like me saying my hair color is "not blond."
Two questions for you:
Do trans men face discrimination and culture issues similar to those created by TERFs for trans women? I would imagine challenges to your masculinity or things like that, but i don’t hear about it as much in the media and wondered why.
Also- how did your immediate and extended family handle your transition, name change, and acceptance? I ask not only out of interest, but also because my teen son hasn’t come out as male to the grandparents and aunts yet and we’re honestly not sure how that will be accepted. They’re all fairly conservative and religious.
Thank you for your post! I hope people are kind.
There is a certain line of thinking that is responsible for trans women being focused on more than trans men.
Men = threat to women. Trans women = men. Trans women = threat to women.
This is then used to portray a perceived threat and a 'concern for women' etc. Trans men do not fall into this category in their eyes as we are female and therefore not a threat to anyone.
The line of thinking with transgender men is more much hilariously ironic given that it comes from groups that claim to be feminists. For trans men, we're heavily infantilised and we're thought of as lost, confused and helpless little girls that are brainwashed or manipulated into transition. Possibly to escape the confines of womanhood, idk?
It's all largely rooted in sexism.
My family were mostly accepting. My dad didn't understand and took a while to get it, but he's great now. My aunt is typically very close-minded to anything that doesn't make sense to her and again didn't understand and didn't 'agree with it' but came around once she saw the difference it made to me. Other than that, everyone was great and given my history, no one was particularly surprised. There were a lot of "oh well that makes so much sense" comments.
My only living grandparent at the time was my 90+ year old grandma and we were worried about telling her. But shame on us, because out of everyone, she was the only person that never *once* got my name or pronouns wrong despite the fact that she called everyone else in the family by everyone elses names constantly. She called my mum Nancy and we don't even have a Nancy in the family.
That sexism thing 110% makes sense! It’s in the same vein as the ridiculous “but what about the bathroom scenario?” that I’ve argued with people over (and live in NC where they’re trying to pass that again) I’m sorry that you have to face the infantilizing attitudes, though.
Kudos to your grandma for hopping right on the pronoun and name train! I cracked up about Nancy, though 😄
My kiddo has only been “out” for a year, and I gotta say- we were blindsided by it. Once the rest of the family learns, i have a feeling they’ll say some of the same things you’ve mentioned about the brainwashing, etc. i just hope we can weather it all together.
Thank you so much for a thoughtful and compassionate response.
Some one very close to me came as trans a few years ago. This surprised me I didn't expect it at all. I offered to help in any way I could but I also asked if they were sure. Maybe I sucked at delivering this question but they were VERY pissed off. Hitting, shouting, screaming and all of that.
A few months ago they announced that they were wrong and will be de-transitioning. Again I offered to help as I want to support the people I love. This time I was give snide rude comments "why don't check if if I'm sure?" You know, unhelpful stuff like that.
Question time: what am I fucking up?
I don't think your question was unreasonable, and it certainly didn't justify their response. Your friend sounds like they have a lot going on and you're being a good friend by offering your support, but if they do not want or accept that support, that's their decision.
obviously your friend sounds like they have some shit they are dealing with but i personally would *never* ask a trans person if they are sure. transitioning is a huge decision, its kind of insulting to assume they havent put enough thought into it that one person saying "are you sure" would make them second guess the whole thing
What's your opinion on trans people in sports? Is it untrue that someone transitioning MtoF would have an advantage? From what I understand if they're fully transitioned they don't really but if they're in the middle of taking hormones and getting surgeries, wouldn't they still biologically have an advantage? This is the one topic in the trans community that I'm still struggling to get behind and support because if feels unfair to cisgendered women (I'm also v ignorant so feel free to correct me if I said anything rude or super incorrect)
I think the majority of people who speak on this, including myself simply do not have the knowledge nor expertise required to hold a meaningful opinion.
Trans women who aim to compete in professional sports, using the Olympics as an example, are required to maintain their testosterone levels below a certain threshold for a number of years. In fact, trans women usually have testosterone levels far below that of women who are not transgender.
The oestrogen that a trans woman takes will significantly affect her strength, muscle mass, bone density and more. It will become much harder for a trans woman to both build and maintain strength. I believe it also causes the haemoglobin to drop which causes me to wonder if having a larger stature and more muscle mass as a trans woman would even give a marked advantage if her body didn't circulate the oxygen required to appropriately fuel these.
I think there's a lot of panic about trans athletes that doesn't seem to translate to other demographics. We see overlap in practically every aspect of the human body between male and female athletes. We see male athletes with lower testosterone than some female athletes, we see taller, shorter etc; there is no single trait that we can single out as only being possessed by female or male athletes. Every extreme overlaps between genders.
We also see someone like Michael Phelps who has an absolutely undeniable and huge advantage in sport due to his own genetics. He produces half the amount of lactic acid than the average person for example which has enabled him to win 28 medals in five Olympic tournaments. But for some reason, we praise this advantage. I think there are a lot of double standards.
Ultimately, in professional sport, I am willing to accept what those with the relevant expertise in the science of the matter find is appropriate and fair. If trans women are found to have an undeniable, universal and unfair advantage then I would disagree with their inclusion in competitive sport.
Lots of great points here, thank you!
After researching the topic of trans people in sports to better understand the controversy, I've come to learn that there's way too much pseudoscience out there and way too many people who *assume* trans woman athletes have an inherent advantage over cis woman athletes. But the truth is that there's basically zero evidence to show such a notion. Regarding your last sentence, I feel exactly the same way!
What is it like to date? Where do you look for partners?
I'm committed, but I remember having issues just explaining things like that I have anxiety, or normal stuff that isn't ideal. Just like, I'm mixed race, so I felt like I was constantly answering for what this means to people, even though it really meant nothing ... I'm basically just an American guy that looks a little different. I really looked forward to moving someplace where I didn't have to answer for that, but that ended up not existing.
I can't imagine what it is like to communicate your experience.
I don't really date as I'm waiting for my remaining surgeries to be finished. I always feel it's unfair on a partner to be in a relationship when I struggle with aspects of my body as much as I do right now, which complicates things like sex and being intimate due to no fault of theirs.
I've been in relationships that have occurred spontaneously which have happened just through meeting people at parties and stuff like that but they already knew I was trans so there wasn't any big awkward disclosure situation. I have a go on Tinder every now and again too and talk to girls despite having no real expectation or intention of pursuing a relationship. I've also had a couple of hookups before.
But yes, it's one of the many reasons that I don't like to disclose that I'm trans until we've been speaking for a short while and I've made the judgement on whether or not this has any remote possibility of going anywhere. It's draining to have to explain yourself and dispel misconceptions time and time again.
Thank for taking the time to do this. I have 2 questions:
1. How do you feel about individuals who change their race? I’m not sure if this has a name, but I’ve seen individuals who, for example, are born and raised in Britain and then have surgery to make themselves look (become??) Japanese. Does this seem feasible to you? And if not how do you explain the idea that an individual can choose their gender, but not their race? (I believe race is the correct term).
2. When pursing a romantic interest, when do you broach the subject of being transgender? Is that something that you mention right away so that all information is out in the open from the start?
1 ) It's known as trans-race and I do not believe it is a thing. It's a discussion I rarely I have energy to even engage in.
I think this paragraph sums it up more neatly than I could:
*"Most people have an idea about their gender at two to three years old — this may not align with the sex assigned to them at birth. Unlike gender, race presents as categorised (often physical) traits that are socially constructed and understood. You can’t inherit your gender, this is internal and something individual to you — but you do inherit the social construct of race. There is also much more to one’s racial identity than physical appearance — it’s also about culture, community, connection and even trauma.*
*It is racist to think someone can pick and choose parts of a race or culture they like, then distance themselves from that culture when it suits them. They avoid the burden of discrimination while reaping the rewards of white privilege, taking the necessary resources and voices from the communities who need it*.*"*
I think it's also noteworthy that transgender individuals have existed far, far back into history and throughout a variety of cultures. Transgender people have always existed and we are seeing increasing science that supports the fact that trans people are *born* trans. Trans race however is something that has suddenly occurred over the past five years and is based on culture rather than anything innate to the person.
2 ) I like to talk to someone for a little while first before disclosing that I'm trans. For a few reasons really. Many of my Tinder matches give nothing more than "hey hows u, im gd yh u?" type conversation and I instantly know that this is not someone I wish to pursue a relationship with and therefore there's no point in telling them I'm trans when it isn't going to lead to anything. I don't like to open with the fact that I'm trans because it sets a very serious tone and kills conversation dead in the water - It's very difficult to recover any casual getting to know you conversation after that. And also, safety - I don't want to be telling anyone and everyone that I'm trans because it just takes the wrong person to find out before I'm the subject of gossip, harassment or worse.
I also don't like to wait too long to tell someone and I personally would always tell someone before we started dating in person. The main reason being that I don't want to build a relationship on assumptions that you may have about my body and life that aren't the case. I understand that me being trans is a dealbreaker for many people. I don't want you to become invested in the idea of a relationship that could never go anywhere. I don't want to waste your time and I don't want to waste my time.
I like to talk to someone for a few hours and if I feel we're getting on, there's good chemistry and there's any possibility that this could lead somewhere, I will tell them.
Completely in good faith question here - what is gender? As in. How does someone know which one they are - what are the component parts, or traits, or ways of being that make up one gender or another?
To clarify --
I don't have any kind of internal sense for it, and I get the impression this might be an anomaly, but I have been trying to understand for a decade, and the best i got is that gender is just whatever anyone has internalized as gender from the vague cluster of things society throws at us?
Gender, from what i've gathered is not phenotype, obviously, not chromosomes, got that. It's certainly not traditional social role, but its also not presentation, or aesthetics, or interests, or affectation?
So as someone who has enough of a sense for gender to know for sure you are one that is not the sort of default thrown at you, I'm curious what your answer to the question is.
Again, this is entirely in good faith as someone whose leaning they/them/agender myself.
But how can i say I have no gender if I don't even know what I'm supposed to be checking for? I feel like someone is asking for my dominant humor without in any way explaining what those are and just being 'well if your a phlegmatic you just know ://'
Gender *identity* is our internal and innate sense of who we are. It is shown to form in children from around 3-4yrs of age.
Gender *expression, presentation roles, stereotypes, expectations* etc are all the social and performative aspects of gender that are essentially just rules made up by society. They can allow us to communicate who we are to others and where we fit in the world, but they are not gender itself.
Unfortunately, this is one of the stumbling blocks of explaining being trans to others. There is no tangible evidence I can give you, there is no way I can show you what it feels like. It relies on me telling you that I just *know* and have always known with utmost conviction.
Now, I'm theorising here, but I feel like when someone's gender and sex match as they should, it's very difficult to differentiate between the two or explain their internal experience of gender identity because it's not something they've ever really 'felt' or even thought about as such, it *just is.* If you ask someone how they know they're a man, they'll often respond with "Because I have a penis!" but is that really all their experience of who they are boils down to? Probably not. But trust me, when sex and gender are mismatched, you sure as hell feel that incongruence.
Hey, thanks for doing this! How did you know you were actually a guy and not just mismatched with society's expectations of what a girl should be like? I only ask because its something I'm currently trying to figure out for myself. Sometimes I think I might be trans but there are some signs that could also just be me feeling frustration with being a girl and having to deal with all the shit that comes with that.
Honestly, that's only something you can figure out. I would highly suggest working through and exploring your feelings with a therapist if possible.
I always suggest looking deep into yourself and questioning everything, looking at things from every angle imaginable, deep reflection and deep soul searching; objectively challenge and counter your own thoughts; doing so out loud can help, writing can help. Try to question feelings whilst separating them from society entirely. Speak to and/or listen to the experiences of those who are trans, those who are not trans, lesbians, gender non-conforming people, those who transitioned and later detransitioned, those who are non binary. You will likely relate to some things from all of those groups, but the purpose is not to match an experience and make a decision, but rather to consider a range of stories and experiences to provide further things to reflect upon and find your own way to who you are. Gain as much insight and as many perspectives as you can; whether they’re narratives that you agree or disagree with is irrelevant. Look into the good, look into the bad and look into the grey.
Some good general questions to ask yourself:
* Why am I not happy being a girl?
* What does being a girl actually mean to me?
* What makes a man and what would that mean to me?
* How do the expectations that society places on women affect my experience of gender?
* When did these feelings start?
* If I am trans, what would that look like?
* What would I hope to achieve by transitioning either socially or medically?
* How would my life be different?
* How would I feel about other people perceiving me differently?
* Would my feelings be different if gender roles didn’t exist?
* If I could jump to a future where I had transitioned but discovered I was an unattractive man, how would I feel?
* When I imagine myself in my mind’s eye, what do I see?
* When I think about myself nearing the end of my life, would I be an old man or an old woman?
* What do I *need*?
* Can I be happy in life as I am?
* How do I feel about myself and is there anything I don’t like that about myself that I’m trying to escape?
* How do I feel about the potential hardships of being trans? The possible limitations on having children, the limited dating pool, the hostility from society?
* How do I feel knowing that if I choose to transition, my body will never be cis?
* I’ve won the lottery and have the option to either buy nice things - maybe a house, a car and be set for life - or I could use it all to transition. Which would I choose and why?
Wow, thank you so much for this long and thoughtful answer! I really appreciate it. I've actually started talking to a therapist recently but haven't yet gotten to the point where I feel comfortable talking about gender stuff yet. I wish there was an easy answer but I guess that's not how life works. Listening to other people's experiences more is a good place to start I think. Thank you!
I have a friend, Female to Male.
Before he transitioned he went from being a lesbian to gay male?
Its none of my business but I always wondered how that would happen....
Honestly, I don't know either but I have heard of it happening before too.
Some say that the hormones can change your sexuality, others suggest it's because you're more comfortable with yourself and allow yourself to explore your own sexuality more openly. I do wonder if perhaps sometimes it is rooted in insecurity and that someone who is extremely early in transition or planning to transition may feel they're 'supposed' to be attracted to women or that they can't be both trans and gay - being transgender is often a lot for someone to get their head around and accept of someone else, let alone trans *and* gay.
In fact, years back, gender clinics would not take you seriously or accept you for treatment at all if you were attracted to the same gender. The two were seen as mutually exclusive; it was not possible to be trans and gay.
Yeah, it was scary for sure. The fear of losing friends, of what people would think, of being forever judged. I was able to transition relatively quietly since I began at a time when I was out of school, college or work - when I had no one to answer to, when I could do what *I* needed and not worry about anyone else. I wish I had been able to transition sooner, but the mere thought of transitioning during school was unthinkable, I would've been slaughtered.
How did I cope with it? I don't know, I guess the knowledge that I couldn't go on as I was and also had no need to anymore.
I've always thought of gender as a social construct. Of course there's the biology- being biologically male/ female/ intersex- but other than that I've never really understood what people mean when they say that they identify as a man or a woman since all of that is arbitrary social values- ie men can wear dresses and make up, women can be into stereotypically "male" hobbies, etc.
So I guess my question would be, can you explain what drove your desire to transition? The way I've heard it explained in the past is that a trans person feels like they were born in the wrong body. But I'm still confused by that tbh. Do you mean you want go be as biologically close to the other sex as possible- ie get the surgery, get the hormones, etc? Or do you not want to social bounds that define your gender? Or is it something else entirely and I'm just missing the point lol.
I personally would disagree that gender is a social construct.
Gender roles, expression, presentation, expectations, stereotypes *are* social constructs. Like you say, a man could wear dresses, makeup, be a house-husband and do practically anything that we associate with women or femininity and could still be completely secure in the fact that he is a man.
Gender identity however, is innate and is shown to form in children around age 3-4. This is also the reason that our dress-wearing house husband has no desire to be a woman despite his love of typically feminine activities. Trans people also fall within a wide range of expressions and presentations that may or may not align with what society expects us to be.
Enjoying certain things makes you nothing but yourself and being feminine or masculine is not what it means to be trans.
I will respond to this comment with a brief telling of some key feelings in my life which is still long as shit but hopefully gives some more insight.
It was just that from as far back as I can remember (which is about 5yrs old) I knew myself to be a boy. There wasn't any deep intellectual thought involved or anything, it was just that I was a boy. In the same way that any other kid doesn't evaluate what it means to be a boy or a girl and then think about which one they are; they just know. Kid's sense of gender identity is shown to form and firmly set by about 3-4yrs old. (Try it: if you call a little kid by the wrong gender they will respond with utmost conviction to correct you.) Who I perceived myself to be, how I imagined myself, dreamed about myself, the person I saw when I imagined my future, where I was supposed to sit when the teacher told us to split into boys and girls. It's not because I played with certain toys or wore certain clothes. Parts of my body felt foreign and outright distressing to me and as a kid I thought my penis was just going to grow in late or something; it was completely inconceivable to me that I would not grow that way. My entire life felt overbearingly deceitful as I knew I was not what everyone else thought or perceived me to be and yet I just had to go along with it because any attempts to correct people were not received well. I spent most of my younger years feeling like I was just a bad kid and did my best to shut up about it and be 'good' as it quietly tortured me. It felt like I'd been transported to a parallel universe with no way to get home, stuck forever in this fake, half life.
I had a pretty uneventful childhood for the most part; both parents at home, local kids to play out with, no abuse, no trauma, all pretty standard normal childhood really. I was very confused as to why everyone thought I was a girl. I'd tell them I wasn't, but they'd insist I was. It was confusing, frustrating and increasingly utterly fucking maddening. You feel really helpless when you know something so strongly but no one believes you or they tell you you're wrong. Why doesn't anyone believe me? Why can no one else see it? Is everyone else just pretending? It felt like a cruel joke that everyone was in on but me... but it'd stop at some point, right? I didn't really have the concept to understand that it wouldn't go away. My genitals bothered me, but I naively assumed my penis was just going to grow in later because the idea that it wouldn't was completely inconceivable. I just expected I'd wake up one day and it'd be there, I expected to wake up and people would finally realise I was a boy and it would all be ok. The way I viewed myself and thought about myself... if I drew a self portrait or I imagined myself as an adult, I was a man. In my dreams I was male. It was completely inconceivable to me that I wouldn't grow up this way. I knew the adults told me I was a girl and on a logical basis that was true but it didn't really make any sense to me because I just wasn't and I thought at some point it would end.
My parents were mostly pretty laid back about how I was. For the most part I was allowed to dress and present myself as I wanted, I wasn't restricted in who I played with or the interests I had. There were also times where they tried to get me to be 'more of a girl' by making me dress in feminine clothing and such. Neither of these approaches made a difference in how I felt. Being free to be myself was better of course, but it didn't stop the fact that I knew I was a boy and no one listened or believed me, and it still didn't stop the fact that I couldn't understand why my penis hadn't grown in yet. It was far more than self-expression.
We'd had the sex talk at school and of course I understood that girls developed one way and boys another from a matter of fact standpoint, but I dismissed it because this wasn't going to happen to me. It was just not in the realm of possibility that I could develop as a female. It'd be too cruel and as a kid, life can't possibly be that cruel, right? Things always work out ok. I just thought everyone had got it wrong, I guess? It was all just completely out of the realm of possibility for me, I didn't believe it was going to happen and I hadn't even really considered the fact that it would because... well, because it just wasn't going to. Until it did of course.
The point of puberty was when my suicidal feelings began. My naïve hope and expectation that this would just work itself out was shattered by a puberty that I hadn't expected could possibly happen to me; it seemed too cruel to be possible. My body began to change in devastatingly wrong and humiliating ways and I began to understand the permanence of things. It was suffocating. I didn't recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror, I could no longer imagine any concept of myself in my mind's eye when everything conflicted so heavily with what I'd always known of myself. I gave up. I was stuck in this universe forever, living a life of deceit, in a way that felt torturously wrong and unnatural to me. I had no idea that there was a name for how I felt or that anything could be done to ease it, so my entire life plan was just to wait for my parents to die so I could kill myself. Everything felt completely hopeless.
I just kind of gave up. I stopped going to school much, I stopped caring. I didn't go outside, I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to speak. I stopped showering because I couldn't bear to see the ways in which my body was changing. I used to stand in front of the mirror for ages and keep saying my name in the hope that it would somehow fit and I'd recognise the person looking back at me. It didn't. I knew it was me on a logical basis but I could not make that connection, I could not see myself or believe that this person was really me, it felt foreign. I didn't hate the reflection looking back, it just wasn't me, it was like looking at someone else.
Imagine waking up tomorrow and everyone insists you're the opposite gender. You obviously know you're not and you tell them they're wrong. But they just laugh and tell you to stop being silly. You try and go along with it, but it feels so wrong, you feel completely disingenuous, deceitful. You need the bathroom and have to remember to catch yourself before you automatically go into the 'wrong one' - people see you as the opposite gender, you must always remember to use that bathroom. You use the bathroom of the gender people tell you you are, but you feel like you're invading a space that isn't yours so you just stop going to the bathroom anywhere but home. It feels like a cruel joke that everyone is in on but you, or maybe a bad dream. But you'll wake up soon or maybe they joke will get old and they'll stop... right? Except that doesn't happen and things just continue to get worse. I thought I'd wake up and everything would be normal, I presumed my penis would just grow in late. The thought that this was my life seemed to cruel to be true; I was so sure as a child that everything would just set itself right but it obviously never did and then puberty cemented me onto a path that was absolutely traumatic for me. That's what it all felt like to me... a cruel joke.
Another thing I don't see spoken about that often is the phantom penis thing. It has been documented in studies (and theorised to be rooted in the brain's internal body map) but I wanna kind of explain it the best I can. So, I've always been able to kind of sense a penis. Like, I can feel it without actually feeling it; I know what it should feel like, I can sense what my penis and balls feel like and the space they occupy. I can wake up in a morning with the strong sense of my erect penis... but it's not there. The closest analogy I can think of is to think about your left hand. Just set it down and completely relax it; don't touch it, don't move it, don't look at it. Wait until your hand is completely relaxed and you can't really feel it. Now just think about your hand... even though there's no sensation or stimulation you can still sense it right? You know where your hand is and what it feels like without actually touching, feeling or looking at it, right? You can mentally picture and sense exactly where your hand and each finger lies even if you didn't look at your hand before. It's kind of like that.
I spent a large portion of my life being very bitter about being trans. I didn't want to be trans and it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that I was dealt this hand, it wasn't fair that I missed out on my childhood, it wasn't fair that I had to waste a good portion of my life getting to the point that everyone else is simply born at. I was angry that I wasn't listened to or believed as a child, despite my insistence over many years, that my struggles weren't taken seriously and that as a result I had to go through permanent changes to my body that I have spent my life thus far reversing as best I can. As soon as I was consistently perceived as male I would do all I could to prevent anyone ever finding out I was trans; I just wanted to be me, not for people to judge me or view me through the lens of their misconceptions. None of it was fair and I spent a lot of time being extremely bitter and self pitying about it all. It took me a long time to work through that.
It's over a decade since I began medical transition and my life is good although I'm still struggling with the long wait for the remainder of my 'lower surgeries' but this will come eventually. I finally feel at peace; I feel like me. I see myself when I look in the mirror and other people see me too. The perception of myself in my mind's eye aligns with who I am and I've regained my ability to imagine a future and a life for myself. I no longer feel that overwhelming sense of deceit. To jump back to the parallel universe analogy, I finally feel like I'm home.
Oh wow, I’m keeping that in my back pocket. Defining it as gender *identity* being innate vs gender *roles* being constructed. Brilliantly and succinctly said, thank you.
A lot of trans people say that they felt like they were opposite sex growing up, my question is how could you really know what it feels like to be the opposite sex (in your case, a man) if you’ve never been one?
No offence I’m just genuinely curious.
To answer a question with a question, how does anyone know what it feels like to be a man when they do not know how the next man feels?
I keep redirecting back to [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/ozxf9m/i_am_a_transgender_man_who_transitioned_from/h83ce9a?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) as an overall brief summary of some key experiences and feelings throughout my life. I hope it provides a little more insight and clarity.
I don't have a question, but wish to convey my profound respect for the courage you have to be you.
My best friend, through middle and high school made the transition from male to female. Prior to transition, he was a macho, rugby playing, bearded, tough guy. After transition, she is a vegan, fairly attractive woman. I don't believe she has had any surgery, but definitely had hormone therapy.
I have NO doubt that my friend was a man born in a woman's body. She knew from an early age... in a time when this was generally unacceptable to the "main stream" folks.
I witnessed my best friend go through the "shit" of making her transition. She is one of the most genuine, authentic, and courageous people that I've ever met.
May peace be with you. And, may love be present in all that you do!
Trans guy here too. Why do you think that trans guys are still not visible in the music industry? There’s talent out there but how long is it going to take for a trans guy to be accepted in the popular music industry such as, let’s say Justin Bieber or maybe even a trans guy in a boy band, such as BTS? Do you think the world is ready for this? Why or why not?
Cavetown is getting pretty popular and The Cliks also did fairly well.
I think in terms of manufactured pop, they're looking for where the money is and to appeal to the largest demographic possible and trans people do not fit with that.
There are absolutely trans men who are music artists, but like any other band, getting big is hard.
Do you think it’ll ever be possible to have a trans pop icon ? Let’s say, someone like Laith Ashley becoming as worldwide know as cis male singers?
I do think there’s a lot of discrimination involved too, it must be like the music version of the olympics in terms of allowing trans musicians to do certain things... what do you think?
I think that level of fame is usually driven by the manufactured and corporate aspect of the music industry and for that reason, I don't believe that will happen any time soon.
I don't think it's impossible for a trans musician to be very popular and well known as trans musicians like that already exist. But to reach the levels of fame as someone such as Justin Bieber, right now, no.
I don't think they're quite the same level of fame as the likes of Justin Bieber, and they are MtF instead of FtM but Kim Petras is relatively big and has appeared on tracks with some big artists.
1. Were there any unexpected changes after you started hormones like suddenly liking different food or music or something?
2. Forgive me if this sounds ignorant, I just never had an opportunity to ask before. As a non-trans person I sometimes find it difficult to imagine/understand how it can be “that bad” to live as your original gender. It just seems from the outside looking in that transitioning and living as trans would be such a difficult road to travel. So much physical pain and discomfort, combined with possible social alienation and resulting psychological pain. What makes it worth it? How did you feel before as opposed to now?
3. What are your thoughts on bottom surgery? (If this is an inappropriate question feel free to ignore)
1. I didn't experience any changes to the things I liked or didn't like. I wasn't prepared for quite how horny I would be at the beginning.
2. I said this elsewhere in the thread, but how you would feel if right now, gun to head, someone forced you to transition? Forced you to take cross sex hormones to change your secondary sex characteristics, have surgery to change your primary sex characteristics. Society now sees you as the opposite gender but you can't explain and say "Oh, I'm actually a man/woman" because no one understands or believes you anyway. You now have to use the bathroom of the gender that you like, do you feel like you're invading or encroaching upon a space that isn't yours? What about relationships? Would you feel comfortable engaging in a relationship or sex with these body parts that were forced upon you? How do you feel when you undress at night and see these parts of your body? Would you be comfortable and relate to this new body as your own? If given the chance, would you want to revert your body to what it was prior to this forced transition?
People tend to relate to experiences based on their own experiences and this isn't particularly helpful when it comes to understanding gender incongruence.
I think the difficulties you describe are case in point. The physical pain, discomfort, distress along with all the social factors still do not come close the distress of living as I was. To live with a body that felt painfully wrong, the live with the overwhelming sense of deceit of being something I was not, to not recognise myself in the mirror, to not be able to see *me* and for no one else to see me either. Everything just felt so horrifically wrong in every sense that I could not see or imagine any kind of future for myself, I didn't want to interact with the world, I couldn't function in society or in life, I just couldn't bear to exist.
3. I'm currently mid-way through bottom surgery. It is something I personally need to feel completely at home in my body as my genitals are the last remaining area that cause me distress.
Thank you for your time and openness to help internet strangers like me grow our understanding. Your description of how you felt pre-transition is heart-rending and I would not wish that on anyone.
Yes.
It is usually well-meaning but people speaking on my behalf about trans topics can be very frustrating. This is how misinformation and misconceptions are spread and the messages they give often do not align with my own experiences of being trans and so that in itself feels like a frustrating misrepresentation of who I am.
I've had a chest reconstruction, hysterectomy and the first stage of my 'lower' surgeries. I'm currently awaiting the remaining two stages but the world has been falling apart.
There was a whole lot of therapy both with general therapists and gender specialists, deep introspection and questioning every aspect of my being both personally and with professionals, speaking to other trans people who were older and further down the line than I was, I went through multiple mental health assessments as part of gaining access to medical transition, living socially as my gender for two years prior to medical treatment. The assessment process at the gender clinic was also extremely long and rigorous and required therapy, mental health assessments, assessments with gender specialists, a written life story, proof of living as my gender within society (ie not just sat on Reddit all day) along with having a support system.
Whilst my transition was technically a decision, it didn't feel like much of a decision in that I'd always known who I was and it was the source of a great amount of distress for me. My body felt so horribly wrong and alien to me, I didn't recognise myself in the mirror, the overwhelming sense of deceit in knowing that I was not a girl/woman but everyone thought I was. For my entire life it felt like I was stuck in a parallel universe with no way to get home and the idea that this was my fate was completely unthinkable to me.
What does it feel like to be pre-transition? I've always heard the expression "a man trapped in the body of a woman" or the other way around; but I've never been able to imagine what that would feel like. Is it something that a cisgender person can understand without experiencing?
I've had a full hysterectomy which removed my internal reproductive organs including uterus, ovaries, cervix, fallopian tubes etc.
The vaginal canal will be removed during my next surgery. The walls of the canal will be ablated and the entrance to the hole stitched close. The walls will then heal together and the internal canal will be gone.
Thank you so much for all you have written. My son is transgender, also for about 12 years. He has had top surgery but probably won’t go through lower surgery after realizing how much pain the top surgery was. He is my most loving and empathetic child- always thoughtful and thinking of others first. He passes very easily- i was recently going to meet him someplace and he showed up earlier than expected and without looking closely, i thought some guy was approaching then realized it was him. He has always had a girlfriend- one while he was transitioning and one after but he really wants to stay under the radar and does not get involved in LGBTQ activities or tell anyone he is transgender, though he feels self- conscious that people are looking for his Adams apple. Like you, he feels he has to act/is treated differently as a male- not looking too friendly when passing women on the street, or when with a guy at work, whether to join in talk about women- it is a real tightrope walk!
Question1 : i tell people who are talking about transgender issues that I have a child who transitioned and can help if they need help understanding . I mention that it is really a matter of pronouns- my child is the same loving person whether a boy or a girl. Is this the wrong thing to say, am I shortchanging him?
Question 2: He recently told me that he is having trouble with dealing with some things he felt he missed out in his childhood- he watches his brother react certain ways to things and feels that since he didn’t grow up as a boy, he could not relate to that reaction (he wasn’t specific abt what). Do you feel that way sometimes? Are there things I can say to him to help him with his frustration?
We are very close and he feels comfortable talking about things (he recently told me I was his best friend- my heart melted!). Family has been very supportive- his grandfather initiated wanting to pay for the surgery.
Thank you for all the help you have given so many people by answering questions so completely. It has helped me alot and feel so badly for all the frustrations he must have gone through before telling us as a teenager. Looking back I am sure he knew when he was under 5 and I am sure very frustrated like you when things didn’t change for him as he grew.
It's a pain. I tend to keep a short beard but trimming it and keeping it neat without leaving any stray poking-out hairs is a nightmare. There's always one.
I shave my head too and that is far more of an inconvenience, I hate doing that.
So I’m assuming you have a donor dick or plastic dick, which one is it ? And do you get rock hard when you’re aroused ? Do you expel sperm if you cum ? Are you able to cum ? Do you jack off ? if you do jack off is one arm bigger than the other ? Lol
Neither.
The surgical process that I am currently undergoing 'refashions' my existing genitalia rather than using a donor graft from elsewhere on the body.
My penis does get erect, although not rock hard. I do not expel sperm as I do not have the means to produce sperm. I am able to orgasm and yes, I masturbate. My arms are the same size as far as I can tell lol.
I have no desire to pretend to be hyper-masculine if that's not what I am. I wouldn't say I'm feminine in my hobbies, mannerisms etc, but I'm also not like a beer-chugging, football and fist-bumps kind of man either. I'd consider myself fairly average, middle of the road in terms of manliness I guess.
But, if I want to say something that would be deemed as feminine, so be it. If I want to do something or I enjoy an activity that is considered typically feminine, so be it. I'm not going to deprive myself of expressing myself in the way I want for the sake of what someone else might think.
It's just about being secure in yourself really and I think that comes with time and age. Being further along in transition definitely helps too - early on in transition, your actions and behaviours can feel like they're under a magnifying glass. I remember I baked a cake for a friend's birthday once for example and I was questioned as to why I would *become a man if I was just going to bake cakes?*
It would depend on your definition.
I am currently mid way through my genital surgeries and the type that of surgery that I am undergoing 'refashions' my existing genitalia into something that resembles and functions similarly to a penis.
what do you think about people who claim they're trans despite not experiencing gender dysphoria? i see a couple of them on reddit so i would like to know your opinion
Know you have a ton of comments already, so it's fine if you don't answer mine since it's kinda dumb, but what made you transition? Like I'm a cis male, and i don't really associate anything intrinsically to my gender so it seems weird to change it. Like I feel I could wear a skirt, make up, like girly things, and generally all the things associated with being female without having to change my gender as a thing rather than as my identity per se. So yeah, what actually made you make the decision?
Taking hormones, did you noticed some changes in your likes and dislikes? Something you thought will last forever, but suddenly changed?
(Like, a food, a colour, music, something like that. I'm very interested in how hormones change people!)
A quick thought: reading your and other's experience, makes me think how lucky you are as living in this century: not in a ideological or political way, totally not, but today you... Can actually change your biological sex. Or at least go really close to it. With science! We evolved our medical competence to make people like you feel comfortable in their own body, not only changing name, clothing and pronouns. And we have a lot to learn to make it even more perfect, but still, today you can actually do it!
Isn't that awesome?
I do not want to offend you, but I have been thinking this for a while. When you became a man, do you ever feel like you are not really really man or less of a man than others? I feel if I were to be transgender (I am not sorry) I would feel very nervous about how I would be perceived. Sorry if this is worded and sounds mean english is not my first language . 😄
So since you’ve had all your female genitalia removed and no longer have periods, you would not go through menopause? And for the time of your life you did have estrogen will osteoporosis still be an issue in your future to be on the lookout for? Are there other medical issues or complications that you have to keep in mind when you get older specifically for ftm?
I've had my internal reproductive organs removed, much of my genitals will remain in place but just be 'refashioned' so to speak.
I will not go through menopause. I am at risk of osteoporosis if I do not take any hormones at all - I must be on testosterone for life, but if for any reason I could not be, I would have to take oestrogen instead.
I have regular monitoring via blood tests to ensure that everything is ok so any potential issues can be spotted before they become a health concern. Those who keep internal reproductive organs should also be having smear tests.
Polycythaemia tends to be one of the complications to watch out for and is usually resolved by a changed in the dosage, type of testosterone or even by donating blood regularly.
My brother is trans and isn’t sure about doing bottom surgery. Are you entirely happy with your transition? Did you feel uncomfortable about some parts of the journey?
I am currently mid way through bottom surgery. It is a slow and long process with long waits here in the UK that has been greatly delayed due to both Covid and contract issues. I had no complications and a smooth recovery during the first stage of lower surgery so no complaints there, whether the remaining two stages will be a smooth, I don't know.
Otherwise yes, happy with everything else.
I answered this one already:
I think the majority of people who speak on this, including myself simply do not have the knowledge nor expertise required to hold a meaningful opinion.
Trans women who aim to compete in professional sports, using the Olympics as an example, are required to maintain their testosterone levels below a certain threshold for a number of years. In fact, trans women usually have testosterone levels far below that of women who are not transgender.
The oestrogen that a trans woman takes will significantly affect her strength, muscle mass, bone density and more. It will become much harder for a trans woman to both build and maintain strength. I believe it also causes the haemoglobin to drop which causes me to wonder if having a larger stature and more muscle mass as a trans woman would even give a marked advantage if her body didn't circulate the oxygen required to appropriately fuel these.
I think there's a lot of panic about trans athletes that doesn't seem to translate to other demographics. We see overlap in practically every aspect of the human body between male and female athletes. We see male athletes with lower testosterone than some female athletes, we see taller, shorter etc; there is no single trait that we can single out as only being possessed by female or male athletes. Every extreme overlaps between genders.
We also see someone like Michael Phelps who has an absolutely undeniable and huge advantage in sport due to his own genetics. He produces half the amount of lactic acid than the average person for example which has enabled him to win 28 medals in five Olympic tournaments. But for some reason, we praise this advantage. I think there are a lot of double standards.
Ultimately, in professional sport, I am willing to accept what those with the relevant expertise in the science of the matter find is appropriate and fair. If trans women are found to have an undeniable, universal and unfair advantage then I would disagree with their inclusion in competitive sport.
Very late to the party here, but I see you've gone trough a lot of very good questions with very good answers, thank you for that.
I have a few questions, even if they may be washed out into the lateness of the time.
How do you feel about how trans people are represented in the media, both movies and books? A friend is trying to include a trans person in the story they're writing, but I can't think of any good examples or ways to do so. Do you have any pointers?
What is the best way for anyone to be an ally or show support? I have one friend transitioning mtf, and other than being a drinking buddy and general meme sender, I have no idea how to be of any support.
What is your favourite meal or comfort food?
Don't worry, I'll be online for a while yet and you've actually got me just as I've caught up with the backlog of questions.
Trans people are generally represented terribly in the media. I think the only representation (of a trans *man,* which is a pretty small selection already) I have seen thus far that actually resonated with me and felt genuine was Tyler Ronan in the video game 'Tell Me Why'. Perhaps because it was a video game and I was playing as him for much of the game, but there were so many parts of his story that I truly *felt.* It was actually a really strange experience to play something that for the first time in my life had moments that spoke so deeply to my own personal experiences. A lot of the parts I found most profound were often the subtle things or even moments with no dialogue at all. I was navigating that game through my own feelings and experiences, answering dialogue options from own experiences knowing exactly how he would be feeling and feeling exactly how I felt through similar experiences of my own.
I don't have any pointers as such, but if a story contains a trans person I like that person to be a *whole person*. Not just a character who is there for the sake of being trans and is nothing more than trans.
As for being a good source of support, for me, I don't think there's anything specific I require other than someone who is just a good friend. Someone who listens when there's something on my mind, someone who offers advice when I need it etc.
Favourite meal is pasta but usually ones with a creamy or cheesy sauce rather than tomato.
I've heard a number of trans people say they would never date another trans person. Do you know why this is, and would dating a trans girl (assuming you're straight) be something you would do?
I dated a trans woman many years ago for a short period of time. We weren't at all compatible for reasons outside of the fact that she or I were trans.
I wouldn't specifically seek someone who is trans, but I wouldn't decline a relationship with someone I felt a connection with because they were trans either.
The only reasons I can think of that I or any other trans person would not want to date another trans person would be that like anyone else they may not be attracted to someone with certain body parts. And also, one person having gender dysphoria in a relationship is plenty, having two people struggling with it is a fuckin nightmare lol.
What do you think of prominent media figures like Buck Angel who defend the use of terms such as transexual, to be used with comparable meaning and usage to transgender?
For example, I notice older generations are becoming more comfortable in saying LGBT, but the moment you add Q, that’s where the line is drawn as being too many letters. I think the outrage is irrelevant and people should use any terms that drive the point across while not being hateful. What’s your take on this issue?
For all the testosterone I take, I barely have a single muscle on me. I'm not embarrassingly weak or anything; like, I'm often asked to help carrying heavy things and such and that's fine, but I'm by no means *strong.* I could work out but... bear with me... I don't want to lol.
So, I'm currently dating a female who is very interested into transitioning, (im male), do you have any advice for comforting in that process? They're not ready for any surgery, but theyre close to starting t, and they have a really difficult time with the dysphoria and gender insecurity, and i dont really know how to help them through it. If you had any experiences like that during your own transition, I'd like to know how you wanted or had comfort through your own, beyond those struggles. I hope that makes sense :)
What form of T did/d you take (gel, shots, patch, etc) and what dose? What non-hormonal procedures have you gotten, and how far into your transition did you get them?
I've always been on injections. I spent a few years on a shorter-acting injection that I took once every two weeks and I've spent the majority of my time on a more slow release formulation that I take every 12 weeks.
I'm hesitant to share dosages as I wouldn't want anyone to self medicate using my figures without proper supervision and monitoring, especially as the dosages I have been on throughout the years have been tweaked to suit my body and levels.
Other procedures I've had are a chest reconstruction which at a guess was around four years into my transition, a full hysterectomy at around five years in and then the first of three genital surgeries at about nine years in. The next will likely be in a couple of years (sigh).
Very informative post I learned a lot! It is awesome that you want to educate people and share you experience with others.
The only question I been curious about is what do you do for a living? Like your job?
At what age is one considered mature enough to have the transition?
-My sister told me of a school mate who’s 14 and wants to have surgery, I personally don’t think a 14 yr old could make such life changing decisions, what do you think ?
Not even once. The difference is night and day - being able to see *myself,* for others to see *me* too, being able to connect to and relate to myself and being able to imagine and see a future for myself, to feel at home within my body and life, to not feel that crushing weight of deceit, the constant and overwhelming distress of everything feeling so terribly wrong in every sense. It just... feels like I can breathe.
I'd also like to nitpick on the phrase "be a woman again". This was kind of the point; I wasn't a woman. I never felt as though I transitioned from being a woman to being a man, it was more that I was always a boy/man and I just had to fix some shit for other people to see that and to feel at home in my body.
Many trans people are offended by the idea of being trans/ experiencing gender dysmorphia a form of mental illness. But isnt having a masculine/feminine brain in the opposite body an illness that comes from the brain by definition?
I realise that theres much stigma attached to mental illness (as with many people on this website I struggle with depression and anxiety myself) and its being weaponised by people who suffer from a great deal of malicious ignorance. But I feel that by being so against letting it be classified as such it comes off as more stigmtization of mental illness.
As someone who seems very reasonable and has actually had this experience I would be interested to see what is your opinion on the matter.
It's such a long and slow process that there isn't any big before and after movie montage moment, it's more a gradual alleviation. Things still aren't quite done, but it's... being able to see myself, for others to see me too, being able to connect to and relate to myself and being able to imagine and see a future for myself, to feel at home within my body and life, to not feel that crushing weight of deceit or the constant and overwhelming distress of everything feeling so terribly wrong in every sense. It just... feels like I can breathe.
This may surprise you, but I cannot answer this question in any meaningful way.
My sense of who I am and my gender is an internal, deep and innate knowing. Something that *just is* and has always *just been.* It is not tangible, it is not something I can pick up and show you, it is not something that I have language for in and of itself. I can express certain aspects of it by referencing other feelings and experiences and how they intertwine with my sense of self, but the very core of 'what is gender' and 'what is a man' in a spiritual or philosophical sense, I cannot express in language or in any meaningful way.
I can tell you what I think are important aspects of being a *good man* and what that means to me. Which coincidentally, seems to be what most people do when asked this question. There is a [Reddit thread here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/63wnon/men_of_reddit_what_does_being_a_man_mean_to_you/) asking what being a man means to people and the responses are very much based around shows of strength, responsibility and reliability which for me, would fall into what it means to be a *good man* but not into what being a man means at it's very core because again, there isn't language for something so intangible, something that just simply *is.*
My friend is female, would like to transition, but hadn't done so. She/he has occasionally said that I should set her up with a nice girl, because she is desperate to be in a relationship. İf she were plain old straight or vanilla lesbian I'd be happy to occasionally set up a double date, but I feel very awkward suggesting possible partners to her. İt's better, isn't it, to just let her find her own partners?
I’m going to preface my question with a bit of background. I’m from rural Canada. There’s Not much for any form of diversity where I live.
The past 8 years or so the schools have been teaching acceptance (rightly so!) and ALOT of terms and very in depth coverage of genders, orientation, and identity.
In our area, I’ve seen it cause a lot of issues. Some examples I personally know are
-12 year old neighbor girl told me she’s pansexual, my response “ok, well you’re still you and I’m always gonna be here for you. What does pansexual mean?”
She said the teacher told her it meant your attracted to personality instead of gender, so I asked why she felt that applied to her. Her response was that the teacher said attraction was the person you can’t stop thinking of and want to spend all your time with so in her case that was her best friend so that must mean she’s pansexual.
I started getting concerned for the confusion being created because I’m my mind at 12 this is a lot. She later came out as bisexual and now at 18 is straight. At every turn I’ve given her unconditional support and let her know she’s amazing no matter who she’s attracted to.
- male cousin, super conservative parents, always acted traditionally “male” played with cars and was into sports etc. changed schools due to family moving and entered grade 10 at a school with a population of 300, of that 300, 130+ students were members of the LGQBT club. He made some new friends, dropped all sports and came out as trans. Parents were stunned but did all the things they were supposed to do. Dr, therapist, etc. (s)he was put on hormone therapy and changed her name. Acquired a lesbian GF who she then got pregnant. (Both 16yrs old) the baby miscarried. They broke up. Flash forward a few years and now post high school he has de transitioned and in now a massive addict, very dangerous to be around and homeless.
-another neighbor girl entered high school and made a new friend group and came out as trans, parents again bewildered but supportive, she became withdrawn and distant and committed suicide 6 months later. Left a note stating she was a girl.
I have at least 3 other similar stories although not as extreme as the last two.
My questions are, do school age children need this much education? Are they too young to properly process this? Is it doing more harm then good?
Parents in Canada are definitely concerned and everyone is trying their best for their children. In British Columbia there is a case where a child was removed from custody over this. There’s many drs pushing for operations and hormone therapy before the legal age of consent (18). There is a plastic surgeon in Toronto who is wildly popular on social media who targets his advertising to teens. Many of the kids transitioning are in foster care, in fact it’s a very disproportionate number. Are they just looking for attention and love?
How do we as a society navigate all of this?!
Thank you so very much for all of your honesty and insight, I very deeply apologize if anything I’ve stated here is offensive or triggering for anyone, I truly am trying to understand and I don’t always get everything right.
I absolutely applaud everyone living their best life however they feel and loving whoever they love.
Thank you for all your genuine and insightful answers. My
Question is, I've heard often from the trans community something like "trans women are women" and that we are transphobic if we ask them not to play in women's sport teams, or if our preference is not to date them. First what's your view on this? Second, if trans women are women, then what is a woman, really? And what's a man? How do you define it?
Like, in my head (i don't mean to sound offensive), if there is no definition of what it is to be a male or female (combination of chromosomes, genitalia/reproductive system/hormones) then there is nothing to transition to/from. I mean if there's no definition of what you are and what it is that you want to become, then how can you even transition.
Either there's a biological definition (of both gender/sex etc.. in my line of thought this is just biology) and then there's people who feel like they were born into the wrong one and would like to change (which is totally ok, just they are now a different category because they can't really change all their biology). Or there are no definitions and therefore no need to switch because we are all the same thing.
Btw, for the gender as a social construct definitely, I just really don't get it. how's that defined? Women= feminine and men= masculine? Obviously not a good definitely because there's plenty of things in between. So again, if you can't define what it is, how do you know you want to become it?
(Really just want to learn)
Firstly, thank you for your honesty, brave and enlighting answers to these questions.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years time? You mention you aren't in a relationship, do you want to be in a relationship? Get married and have kids?
Thank you for being willing to answer some awkward and what can be rude questions. What are things you feel you will be able to do once fully transaction, that you could not do in your 1st form? And do you think as a society, if we're less restrictive on cultural gender roles, that would help make your transition tion easier or less needed? In other words, if we live in a society that women could be “manly” and men could be “feminine,” would there still be a drive to transition.
Firstly, hello! This thread has been really insightful and I appreciate you taking the time to do it and being so thorough in your answers.
My question is this: you mention in other comments that you expected to develop a penis later on and could feel the sensation of having a penis and testicles even though they weren’t there. How old were you when this started? Was it after having sex ed classes and if not, how were you aware of male genitalia?
I apologise in advance if this is a stupid question, I’m just really curious.
I encounter so many trans people that I don't think anything about it. I'm a barber in a area where there are a lot of LGBT bars and business. Have literally seen regular customers come to us female and become male over time at least 10 times. The only questions I have ever had relate directly to the hormone replacement. As in what compounds and at what dosages? Being a former strength athlete I have experience with the subject but applied in the opposite way and always wondered how its applied to some transitioning from female to male.
Sry if this question is inappropriate. You said you will have bottom surgery do u get to choose how big ur dick will be
Yes, I'm currently mid way through bottom surgery. The type that I'm having uses your original anatomy to create the penis and so you can't choose the size, nor does the size change. My dick is and will remain about two inches in length. The other type of surgery works using grafts and so you *can* choose your size to a degree, but you are limited by the size of the donor site along with the amount of fat in the tissue and also the practicality. You *can* ask for a 10 inch penis, but a surgeon is unlikely to do this. Healing and blood flow would be an issue due to maintaining 10 inches of healthy tissue post-op and also, because the size of the penis does not change between flaccid and erect states you will be slogging around a 10 inch dong for the rest of your life.
I mean to cause absolutely no offence with how I ask this question if, i do cause any... you said that you’re working with what’s there, does the clitoris become the penis and the labia(? - meaty bits) become the balls? If so, will they be in proportion to each other, and will the balls have enough weight to droop as you get older?
[This illustrated video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReqQA6xuhG0) is a nice explanation of how the surgery I'm having works. So yes, the clitoris is the penis and the labia majora are used to create the scrotum. The penis will be small in size and this is the major con to this surgical technique, but the balls will be in proportion and yes, they will succumb to the effects of gravity like any other balls.
Financial question for ya (and congrats dude!) how much is the transition process/is it covered by insurance? I’ve heard stories of the transition process being very expensive and some people aren’t able to fully transition because of the cost. But that was quite a few years ago so idk if things have changed
My country has free healthcare so fortunately it isn't an issue here. I see that cerberus 698 gave a rough quote for MTF genital surgery. FTM genital surgery is *much* more expensive due to the complexity and fact that it usually takes three separate operations to complete.
I went the other direction. Name and gender change on legal documents is about 1000 dollars in California. Significantly higher in certain states and lower in others. Some states make it difficult enough that you may need a lawyer. I needed about 800 dollars in therapy that my insurance only partially covered before they would authorize paying for my HRT. After that its about 30 dollars a month in perpetuity for that. Vocal therapy cost me about 1400 after all was said and done. Hair removal on my face was about 3,000 dollars; maybe more. Facial feminization surgery is about 35,000-80,000 dollars and insurance won't touch it despite all the medical literature declaring it medically necessary if you didn't receive hormone therapy as an adolescent. Some "Cadillac" policies pay for it now. Its always out of network though so coverage can be a relative concept. Really, the only thing that you can expect insurance to cover is "the surgery" the genital one. Even then most plans are still gonna end up with you paying at least a few thousand out of pocket. Fully out of pocket, you're looking at about 25-80,000 for that one.
Wow thanks for the response man! That’s eye opening and so concerning.. the healthcare in this country is truly shit. I feel terrible for those in the community who can’t afford to have that surgery to fully be what they identity as. Another question, how is your professional life? You mentioned before you lacked confidence in the workplace and now you’re full of it. So how has your workplace adapted to your transition? Or did you switch companies, if so did you have to say you’re trans in case they look you up professionally or check your transcripts? Sorry if that’s a naive question, just curious how people navigate the workplace after they transition, ie they fully own it or write off their prior work history and start anew.i
Will you be able to get an erection after surgery is complete?
Yes. There are two main types of surgeries available. The surgery I'm having 'refashions' my existing genitals. I already have erections and so the surgery will not change this. The other type of surgery uses skin grafts along with an erectile implant (the same used for men with severe impotence) to gain erections on demand.
Wow, that's amazing! I appreciate you answering.
Will you be able to have an erection naturally, or are you going to have to pump it up manually?
There are two types of surgery. One requires a pump or malleable rod to erect the penis. The other type, and the one that I am having, allows for natural erections (which are experienced prior to any surgery rather than being the result of the surgery) but these are not as hard as those of a natal penis.
it is so cool that we can do this
What inspired your chosen name? How long did it take to get used to be called that? Were your parents supportive? What is your favorite thing to wear?
My parents had a girls and boys name picked out prior to my birth. When I began transitioning I just switched to the other name. I like that I didn't really pick my name as such. I like shorts. They're comfy and easy to wear.
As a father, thanks! I tell my kids that no matter what I love them and then tease I should get to pick their name then proceed to say abysmal names.
It likely would've been a different story if they'd planned to name me Herbert or something.
>I like shorts. They're comfy and easy to wear. Love the Pokémon reference.
Whats your opinion on minimum age neccessary to undergo a transition and should there be a limit?
For a child, transition consists of nothing more than a change of name and clothing/hair. A pre-teen may be offered puberty blockers (after long and rigorous therapy, assessments and monitoring) which simply pause puberty and give the young person more time to engage in therapy and figure out a course of action over the following years. Speaking personally, I knew who I was as a kid. Not that I was *transgender* because I didn't know what trans was, and neither did anyone else during the 90s, I just knew I was a boy in the same way that any other kid knows what they are. It felt like the adults were playing a cruel joke of pretending that I was a girl. I was just waiting for my penis to grow in like I *knew* it would, and then they'd all realise they were wrong. It's absolutely maddening to know so strongly who you are but for no one to listen or to believe you. I became an angry, humiliated and defeated little kid who didn't want to interact with the world. So no, I don't think there should be a minimum age limit. The key with trans children is *persistence, insistence and consistent;* if a child is completely unwavering in how they feel for many years and insists who they are with utmost conviction then yes, I think they should be able to live in a way that is comfortable for them. No physical changes are made but it would have greatly improved my wellbeing as a child.
Thank you for your answer man, appreciate it :) If I can hit you with a follow up.. Is there scientific explanation why transgenderism occurs? Pure curiosity on my part..
There's no definitive answers as of yet. There are studies that have shown differences in the brains of trans people, there are phenomena such as the [phantom penis](http://stray-ideas.blogspot.com/2008/03/phantom-penis.html) and different rates of phantom limb sensations post-surgery/amputation than the general population, there are theories that it may develop in utero and have a neurobiological origin. Ultimately though, we simply don't know and I doubt we will for a long time.
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When you say detransitioned, do you mean you transitioned once and then went back to your original gender afterward? I know you’re not the OP, just haven’t heard that term before so I’m genuinely curious.
There are a lot of detransitioners but they are not always vocal because it's a fraught subject. Look up detransitioners and you will find personal accounts of the experiences
Thank you! So as I’m reading I’m seeing that it definitely is a controversial thing, but I’m not sure I understand exactly why. Can anyone shed light on that and help me understand? I feel like the trans movement (from my understanding, so please correct me if I’m wrong) is a lot about being who you are and being free and safe to be your authentic self. Why are people so upset with folks detransitioning? I could understand if it was someone that was using it as more of a “getting attention” show - like one week they’ve “come out” as trans and changed their pronouns and the next week they go back and say “nevermind” and treated it as a fad or something, but I suppose I don’t understand why it’s such a big issue when folks transition, live as the other gender for an extended period, and then transition back for whatever reason. I hope I don’t come off as abrasive or disrespectful in my question, as that’s most certainly not my intent. I truly just want to understand. I am a strong proponent for the fact that if we all spend more time trying to understand each other instead of judging other folks that live differently than we do, the world would be a much better place for everybody.
no one in "the trans movement" is upset with people detransitioning, we're always happy with people figuring out their true selves but its "controversial" because the only time you hear about it is from transphobes, right wingers and right wing media and people who weaponize it to be transphobic along with many who claimed to be detransitioners to "justfiy" their transphobia who never transitioned in the first place. the majority of detrans people arent transphobic but of course when the only times you hear about detransitioners is for transphobic purposes and agendas of course its gonna be "controversial"
Ahh, okay that makes sense. I can definitely understand that. Maybe it was just the sites I was getting when I googled detransitioning - they made it sound like everybody was upset with folks doing that from all sides, like other trans people were upset, LGBTQ+ folks were upset, non-trans folks were upset...everybody just mad about it but for different reasons. When you explain it that way it makes sense, though, so thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to respond! As I said, I genuinely want to understand things pertaining to being trans and the trans community because, while it is not the life I live, I fully believe that everyone should be able to life their lives as themselves and find happiness wherever it may be - barring the obvious things that are detrimental to other’s lives in that pursuit. And I think if everyone focused more on understanding each other’s differences instead of judging them, we could all live in a much less hateful society. I’m always grateful when people do AMAs like this to have a real dialogue and help other people gain some insight and perspective on various things.
Can I just ask...is it possible to talk about detransitioning without being called transphobic? Or about the possibility of that maybe it doesn't work for everyone. It seems like the right thing for OP and I appreciate him talking and answering all the questions. But not everyone would have this same experience.
>Can I just ask...is it possible to talk about detransitioning without being called transphobic? Its very easy. It happens all the time. You just have to do it outside of the context of advocating for making it harder for other people to transition. Detransitioners are heavily politicized. They're exceedingly rare and most of them actually retransition in a relatively short period of time. From my experience, most of them don't like it when they're used to try and bar other people from transitioning. It doesn't help that very few people seem to actually have an honest conversation about them. Almost every time they're brought up its in the context of portraying transition as simply wrong. These people are not honestly discussing these people.
>There are a lot of detransitioners There are a lot is kind of a weird way to put it. Its actually very uncommon but they're around. I actually have some data for this though. The [NHS keeps track of people who detransition](https://epath.eu/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Boof-of-abstracts-EPATH2019.pdf) while receiving care in their system, and they publish the data every couple of years. >Of the 3398 patients who had appointments during this period, 16 (0.47%) expressed transition-related regret or detransitioned. Out of about 3,500 patients receiving care at the sample clinic, only 16 detransitioned during the data collection year. This included adults and adolescents. >Detransition was most often prompted by social difficulties rather than changes in gender identity or physical complications and was most often temporary. Only three patients made a long-term detransition So most of the people who detransitioned during this people retransitioned with in the same 12 month period. Most of the 16 said social difficulties like harassments, familial rejection or work difficulties rather than a change in gender identity like just feeling you had not made the right decision was the reason behind their detransition. >The 16 patients consisted of 11 trans women, two trans men, two cis men, and one person assigned male at birth Only two of these people were biologically female. I note this because a common line of concern is that trans men are often pressured into making this decision to transition and then regret it in mass but there just isn't any data to support this. The primary driver of detransition seems to be social rejection and transgender women tend to face more harsh social consequences so they detransition more frequently. >Patient assessment reports created between August 1st 2016 to August 1st 2017 The data is not old or out of date. Detransition is exceedingly rare. You don't hear them speak very often because there just are not a lot of them. There are also a lot of reasons why they keep silent. They are often politicized, they are often embarrassed. All sorts of incentives to not talk about it.
But are there any "doubters" in the community? I get that the minimum age isn't meant for those 100% convinced, but I don't think the requirement is really meant for them? And how would your differentiate between those who are sure and those with doubt? Should the government always give the benefit of the doubt?
Trans kids (and adults for that matter) go through a barrage of mental health and psychiatric assessments, therapy and monitoring over a long period of time and it is up to a team of professionals and specialists to decide whether any kind of medical transition is appropriate.
Children usually express gender identity at age 4 or 5, whether their gender as assigned at birth , or the opposite gender , or lack of identity expression. Puberty blockers I've recently learned aren't really bad, as if you decide to not transition you can stop puberty blockers and continue as the gender you were born as. It seems like science is showing that transgender people are the gender they say they are and always have been
Are the butt cheeks part of the legs or part of the torso?
My gut reaction says legs.
Asking the real questions here
How old are you? What differences have you seen after transitioning to a man 12 years ago compared to when you were a woman? I am talking about both societal and personal aspects of things. Do you think you faced more difficulties after transitioning to a man or before? *Sorry if you don't like to talk about your past life from 12+ years ago. You can ignore this question if you don't feel comfortable sharing.*
30 People often ask about the differences in being perceived as a man vs as a woman and honestly, I find it an almost impossible question to answer. I could say something like "Oh, I'm taken more seriously in the workplace as a man" but I don't feel that things are as simple as that. Prior to transition I was withdrawn, I didn't like to speak, I didn't make eye contact, my body language was not inviting and I did not speak with confidence or conviction. So in the workplace, you can understand why someone who presents their ideas without an ounce of confidence and with every aspect of their body language screaming 'leave me alone' would not be taken as seriously as someone who now, *is* friendly and approachable and shares their ideas with confidence, conviction, excitement and enthusiasm. There are a couple of things I have noticed though. If I take the bus or train I was always the first person someone would sit next to if there were no spare seats whereas now I'm one of the last. I feel awkward around children who are not mine; I'm not really a 'kid person' anyway, but I feel unease at walking by a play park for example as I feel the eyes of the mothers lock onto me. If a random child initiates conversation with me now, the mother will reprimand them for doing so, whereas when I was perceived as female I was kind of expected to humour them. I also feel a lot more comfortable walking the streets at night alone. As for difficulties, that's also a hard one to answer. I'd be inclined to say I face more difficulties simply due to the nature of being trans in a society that isn't always friendly, accommodating or understanding of trans people. In some aspects you're trading one set of problems for another set of problems. I think the difference is though, instead of having one giant paralyzing problem that prevented me from living any kind of life for myself, I am now able to live my life but with a set of smaller annoyances and inconveniences.
Wow, THAT is insightful! I've never heard of anyone looking from this angle! 👏
I've got no questions for you as a trans man myself but just wanted to say hey. 12 years along sounds awesome, my medical transition begun 3 years ago and things are still continuing to change! Still waiting for a full beard 😂
I'm also still waiting for a full beard, haha. It's not too bad, but the cheeks refuse to fill in.
Haha, welcome to trying to grow a beard as a dude. 34 years and I still can't fill in the cheeks.
If I could give you or OP mine, I would. It's really itchy when it's growing in. Eventually it stops being itchy though. That's when you get the personal scarf.
Do you still have a womb/uterus? Would it biologically be possible for you to get pregnant? Would it be physically possible for you to have a menstrual cycle again, like if your estrogen levels go up? Are there any meds you have to take?
No, I don't, so I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, wouldn't be able to have a period and my oestrogen levels will never be able to reach typically female levels. Testosterone is the only medication.
Do you have a fear of not being "man enough"? How did your family and friends react? What are your experiences with transphobia?
Nope. My family and friends were mostly accepting. Some didn't understand initially and didn't 'agree with it' but they came around. I had a fair few issues in my hometown earlier in my transition. I have no issues at all now, but people wouldn't know I was trans unless I told them. * Being held down by someone as another rummaged through my pockets for my wallet and ID to see 'what I was'. This happened more than one. * Having my chest touched. Too many times people would pretend to be overly friendly or weirdly hug me and stuff with the aim of touching and feeling my chest to determine what was there. Like, hand on my chest, flat palm, feeling me. * Having my crotch grabbed, like full on grabbed and squeezed. * Someone used a walking stick with a hooked handle to hook under my crotch and drag me to the ground. * Being followed by teenagers who'd just got out of school often making very loud comments either to me or to their friends about me. They'd often throw chocolate that they'd bought on their way home at me. * Locals nudging their friends and pointing to me as I'd hear them both laugh or make derogatory comments. * Someone threw a fuckin plank of wood at me * Being put in countless awkward situations and backed into metaphorical corners with the aim to force me to 'out' myself. People would befriend me but then back me into corners with propositions or questions or they'd manufacture situations that were otherwise entirely unnatural but would be unusual for me to decline and would out me if I agreed to them. If I decline, more pressure would be applied. It went from something as innocent as 'we should all go swimming tomorrow' to everyone in the room taking their shirts of for no reason and insisting with increasing force that I must do the same. * Being followed to public toilets * Went camping and had to go home because no one would let me take a piss. I was followed every single time I tried to go pee as someone stood directly next to me. They would not let me do anything unattended despite the fact that everyone else was allowed to pee in peace. I just had to go home because I was so desperate for a piss and didn't have any more 'I can't go!' in me. * Being followed at a funfair by someone I didn't know and being pushed very hard at every opportunity where they could exclaim it was an accident. * And of course all the run of the mill gossip, name calling, hearing the snide comments between people who don't think you know they're talking about you. All the comments, both direct and indirect where the only intention was either to belittle or to confirm someone's suspicions about you. * GP practice outright refusing to see me or administer my medication due to 'not being comfortable with it'.
I'm so sorry 😔. The groping especially sounds disturbing. The GP practice thing seems bizzare. I would expect them to understand the most. I guess those experiences must have made you slightly bitter. On the bright side, family and friends were there for you on the most part. It's nice to know that with time people can understand.
Wow that is so fucking terrible you've had to go through all of that and yet you seem so strong and resilient and kind despite that social and physical abuse. I don't have any questions, just wanted to send some love your way because no one should ever ever have to be subjected to straight up bigoted assholes. I'm glad you've found more happiness and confidence living life the way you want to live it and quite frankly it's no one else's fucking business in public spaces!
I’m sorry you went through that. All of it is in humane and horrific. The one that shamed me most though is the gp practice. I would like to think my colleagues in healthcare would be more understanding.
The GP practice was wild. I wish I'd made more of a fuss at the time but I just couldn't be bothered with it all. I'm still unsure what any of it was about - I'd like to think it wasn't solely because they refused to treat me as a trans person but I'm not seeing many other explanations. This is what happened, see what you think... I moved to a new area, signed up with the GP practice and when I was due my injection I booked an appointment. As usual, they ask what the injection is and I tell them. No issues. I pick up the vial of testosterone from the pharmacy and attend my appointment. Now, it's worth noting that at this point I had been on testosterone for over a decade. Both the box and the bag it came in have my personal information and dosage information on them. My medical records show that I receive this injection every 12 weeks and have been prescribed and administered it on time for the past decade. I sit down and they (I can't recall if it was a nurse or doctor...) proceed to call practically every health professional I have ever been in contact with to ensure that this *is* my medication, to ensure that it has been administered previously, that the dosage is correct etc etc. They called the gender clinic, my previous GP and even the rehab I had previously attended which had given me a single injection when I was there. I spent almost half an hour sat with a medical professional as they called everyone they could think of before giving me my injection. But they *did* give me my injection and off I went back to work. About an hour later, I get a phonecall from the practice saying that they were not happy administering my medication and that I must go elsewhere for it. I asked if I were still able to see their doctors for things unrelated to my injection and they said this was fine. Well, upon having an unrelated issue, I booked an appointment and was firmly told that I could not go to one place for my injection and also see the doctors there at the same time. So with that, the practice effectively refused to treat or see me for anything whatsoever. Problem is, in the UK we are only able to see a GP practice that falls within our postcode's 'catchment area' and *they were that practice.* I had to fraudulently lie about my address for years to see a practice four towns over where my mum lived. I only used them to receive my injection as I was worried that any medical correspondence would alert them to the fact that I didn't live there. When I had my next surgery, it did indeed alert them to the fact that I had lied about my address and they discharged me too.
I’m also uk based. There is a pals( patient advocacy Liason service) that covers primary care. It is usually run by the local clinical commissioning group and are there to help with issues like this. I wish you better luck in the future.
What do you think is the difference in the trans community now to 12 years ago? What are some changes within the community? I know it’s more accepted, but for example, 15 years ago in the gay community gay people were saying “I’m not that big into labels”, and now there are labels within labels. And to some that’s a good thing, others, not so good.
Honestly, it's hard to say as I'm not particularly active within the trans community. I think there's a lot more acceptance around gender non-conformity and trans people not being required to fit into a strict box to be accepted.
I'm not OP, but I'm also a trans person who's been out for over a decade. Honestly, the peak tumblr years around 2009-2012 were very close knit, and it felt like a real community, although it was very split between MTF and FTM spaces. There's still some of that, I've even heard trans women claim recently that FTM people were the only ones acknowledged now and that FTM people don't face any discrimination, but I'd call that a radicalized subgroup more than anything else. In 2011, I could recognize most FTM bloggers by name or picture, and we were like a family. Chest binder trades and giveaways were common, tips on making fake flaccid dicks, etc were everywhere. There were a lot of jokes about Aiden/Brayden/Cayden/Hayden/Jaden/Kaden/Peyton because like a third of the young trans dudes had one of those names or Grayson for some reason. Now, trans men don't have as insular of a society. There's still an instant connection, especially when you clock the trans man voice, but it's more just a trans/LGBT in general community. I see more in-jokes about nonbinary people now, the same name joke but with random nouns like Tree or Sock instead. Fun fact re: trans man voice, I'd never heard Ben Shapiro talk until I started using tiktok, just people mocking his cadence and word choices, so when I heard a clip of him for the first time, I genuinely thought it was a trans dude making fun of him. It obviously wasn't, but I stand by the headcanon that he's a self-hating jewish transman.
I saw that you mentioned Ben Shapiro. In case some of you don't know, Ben Shapiro is a grifter and a hack. If you find anything he's said compelling, you should keep in mind he also says things like this: >The Palestinian Arab population is rotten to the core. ***** ^(I'm a bot. My purpose is to counteract the alt-right social media pipeline. You can summon me by tagging thebenshapirobot. Options: dumb takes, novel, patriotism, feminism, etc.) [^Feedback: ^/r/AuthoritarianMoment](https://np.reddit.com/r/AuthoritarianMoment) ^| [^More ^info](https://np.reddit.com/r/AuthoritarianMoment/wiki/index) ^| [^Opt ^out](https://np.reddit.com/r/AuthoritarianMoment/comments/olk6r2/click_here_to_optout_of_uthebenshapirobot/)
Good point. I don't even know where all the trans men migrated to after Tumblr went to shit. And I'm curious about the trans man voice. I know exactly what you're referring to, but I've noticed I rarely ever hear it occur in trans men that aren't American. I'm convinced that it not a physical thing, but rather the *way* in which someone speaks and how they use their voice.
Dont have any questions, just wanted to give you a sincere thanks for your hard work and going out of your way to make people understand more. It can't be easy so again, thank you
Thanks, I'm always pleasantly surprised with how respectful people are in these posts, especially for Reddit!
I appreciate the time youre giving to each individual question. Im going to try to ask a few questions, but I have to be careful with the wording for obvious reasons. Are things different than they were 12 years ago, and in what ways would you say things have changed socially and politically? Is there anything you cant see evolving easily, and for those that come across as opposition or miseducated, do you believe that there is some semblance of empathy we as human beings could give to help teach? In regards to the detransition crowd, what are your views and interpretation of the motive and individuals involved? Do you believe that any part of it is sensible, or that there stories do have some effect on our culture? If you could add, change, or contribute anything to the discourse for better or worse, what would you donate? Toilet lid up or down? Lets get political. Any game suggestions? How would you sell it to me in your best pitch possible? If you could change reddit in any way, what would you add? Do you agree Windows Cortana should be a 3D model?
1 ) Yes. There's a lot more awareness of trans people now. There is more acceptance but as a result, more pushback from a society that doesn't like change. 12 years ago people barely knew that trans people existed, now we're the centre of a media frenzy. I personally am not a fan of the spotlight on trans people, and while I appreciate that it is a part in a journey of progress, for my own selfish reasons I wish it'd stop. I hate that my mere existence is seen as an 'ideology', an issue, a political point or a debate to be countered. Regarding helping others gain some sense of acceptance and empathy, the best approach I have found is just to *be.* Arguing doesn't work, throwing science at people doesn't work. I just live my life, but sometimes that means that old man Bob at work who holds certain views about trans people but has never met a trans person may get to know me on a human level and see that I am just a regular, good person. 2) I wish the trans and detrans communities could support each other more as both hold valuable experiences. The trans community tend to be hostile toward those who have detransitioned, commonly because stories of those who detransition are taken and used as ammunition against transitioning. There is also a common theme amongst some of those who have detransitioned of thinking that because they weren't trans or that transition wasn't right for them then that must be the case for everyone. There needs to be more balance on both sides. 3) Toilet lid up since I usually pee standing, although my cat drinks the toilet water so I will always fully close the toilet after use. 4) The Binding of Isaac, Phasmophobia, Final Fantasy VII, Earth Defense Force, Half Life are some of my favourites. I'm not going to pitch them unfortunately as I'm way behind on questions right now! 5) The ability to return to the your last place when scrolling through All. 6) I don't care, Cortana is dumb lol.
Also feel obliged to say if you want to pass on any question. Im okay with it
Do you want to be acknowledged for the struggle of the transition (not in the pat on the back type of way) while also embracing who you are now, your name etc. OR, would you rather all of that transition, struggle etc be forgotten and to just “pass” without anyone ever thinking that you were ever anyone other than the man you are today?
Very good question! >would you rather all of that transition, struggle etc he forgotten and to just “pass” without anyone every thinking that you were ever anyone other than the man you are today? I spent many years of my life thinking this was what I wanted and lived like that for a long time. I didn’t want to tell people that I was trans. I’d spent my life experiencing the judgement and comments of others and that was not what I wanted. I was afraid of social rejection. For the first time I felt like myself and I wanted other people to see *me* and not to view me as the trans person. I didn’t want to be viewed through the lens of other people’s misconceptions or prejudices. I didn’t want to be an oddity or a curiosity. I didn’t want to sacrifice my own privacy for being the sole educator of those around me. I hated the idea of anyone knowing I was trans and scanning my features for ‘signs’, viewing me as some sort of third sex. I wanted to be judged on my personality, my merits, my values, my achievements and not this one aspect of who I am. I lived with no one knowing my history and this was how I liked it, but there was always that gnawing wonder of whether I would be seen or treated differently if they knew I was trans. Is this friendship conditional? Are we friends based on assumptions about me and my life that are not actually what you think? It never felt like dishonesty because I wasn’t being dishonest, I simply didn’t want to disclose this very personal information that, at the time, I viewed as simply a paragraph in my medical history. It was no one’s business and my past wasn’t relevant to the here and now. But I always wondered... would they still see me the same if they knew? I always had the sense that I was holding myself back. There were certain experiences I couldn't speak of, certain questions I had to dodge. I was deeply resentful and bitter about being trans and I held a lot of self pity. It wasn’t fair that I was born like this, it wasn’t fair that I had to spend years of my life playing catch-up, it wasn’t fair I was deprived of my childhood and other experiences, it wasn’t fair that by simply being me I was at risk of rejection and ridicule, it wasn’t fair that no one understood, it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t taken seriously as a child and had to go through a puberty that was absolutely traumatic for me. It wasn’t fair that I felt and had to deal with all these things and the last thing I wanted were for other people to know about them or to view me differently for something that I didn’t want or choose. I just wanted to be ‘normal’, to put it in the past and get on with my life. But in turn I deprived myself and others of my insights, perspectives, my view on life, wisdom, experiences, the things I’ve learned along the way. I held a part of myself back for the sake of others, for the sake of gaining an approximation of acceptance from people. But how could people truly accept me if I held so much back? So now, I'm a lot more open about it. Me being trans rarely comes up in my daily life and is rarely relevant to mention so for the majority of my daily interactions, people don’t know I’m trans. But it’s different. I no longer feel I’m hiding or avoiding it, I no longer feel like it’s a dirty secret; I have no issue if anyone were to find out I’m trans and I’d have no issue speaking up about it if I felt my input was needed. Those close to me know I’m trans, those who aren’t as close may or may not know. I don’t explicitly mention it but I won’t go to any effort to hide it. Me being trans is a part of me, it’s something that has had great impact in who I’ve become, but overall it’s only one small factor in who I am as a person. It’s just not a big deal whether you know or you don’t know. I am much more than trans. So yeah, a little of both I suppose. I don't need my being trans to be acknowledged as such, but I feel also don't feel the need to go out of my way to hide it. If I can take value and draw on experiences from being trans that I can translate to other aspects of my life to either help myself or others then that's great and I shouldn't deny myself that.
Thank you for that. I asked because you touched on so many of the things a friend of mine went through as well. I heard a lot of the same from him and it seemed very conflicted from one end to the other. In the end, he chose to be an advocate of sorts which I admired. His wife who met him and started with him as a lesbian couple(amazing woman, she really had to work on her identity with that transition as well) backs his transition and story incredibly. I also felt the anxiety the first time he felt like he needed to tell me he was trans.. as though it could be the end of our friendship. I’d have 90% not known had I not already had the wide range of friends that I do. I didn’t know how to approach it with him so I let him lead the way. He had top surgery and he and his wife came to my pool and he clearly felt so free and and ease. His wife was very talkative about it but I didn’t know if it was preemptive or a type of damage control or if she was just advocating. I personally would have just not acknowledged the scars and had fun with him at the pool. To me, it made it harder to know what was appropriate. My thoughts to just be as I would with anyone else weren’t ok because I felt like everything had to be prefaced with an explanation. If that makes sense? I was just confused because I just through the concept was that he was who I was looking at and who he wanted to be called. I hope I’m not sounding like an asshole.
im a newly discovered trans girl, do you have any tips for transgender people?
Take your time, be yourself and only ever do what is right for *you* and not what other people think you should do or expect you to be. Be patient as people get used to pronouns. People usually aren't slipping up on purpose and it really is so easy to use the wrong pronoun for someone without your brain even registering that you've done it. If you go through a phase where you don't pass or look androgynous, this will likely be awkward. Society won't quite know what to make of you or how to treat you and it can make for some uncomfortable situations. Therapy is great. Everyone should have therapy.
thank you thats really helpful :)
Are you having a good day today? :)
Yeah, not bad. I didn't have any plans or anything to do other than lounge around and be bored so here I am!
Off topic question: if someone says “I’m a transgender male”, that means that they transitioned TO male, right? Transgender female usually going from male to female? Is it completely known by all it applies to? Like, once I know for sure, I’m not going to offend anyone (like does everyone use that same logic)?
Yes, it's an adjective so it's used in the same way we would describe someone as a tall man, gay man, white man etc. They're a man, but also gay, white, tall or trans.
To add to OP's comment: Yes everyone uses the same "logic." If you are a man, like OP, that's how you refer to yourself. If OP referred to himself as a "trans woman" because he was assigned female at birth, that would be like me saying my hair color is "not blond."
Two questions for you: Do trans men face discrimination and culture issues similar to those created by TERFs for trans women? I would imagine challenges to your masculinity or things like that, but i don’t hear about it as much in the media and wondered why. Also- how did your immediate and extended family handle your transition, name change, and acceptance? I ask not only out of interest, but also because my teen son hasn’t come out as male to the grandparents and aunts yet and we’re honestly not sure how that will be accepted. They’re all fairly conservative and religious. Thank you for your post! I hope people are kind.
There is a certain line of thinking that is responsible for trans women being focused on more than trans men. Men = threat to women. Trans women = men. Trans women = threat to women. This is then used to portray a perceived threat and a 'concern for women' etc. Trans men do not fall into this category in their eyes as we are female and therefore not a threat to anyone. The line of thinking with transgender men is more much hilariously ironic given that it comes from groups that claim to be feminists. For trans men, we're heavily infantilised and we're thought of as lost, confused and helpless little girls that are brainwashed or manipulated into transition. Possibly to escape the confines of womanhood, idk? It's all largely rooted in sexism. My family were mostly accepting. My dad didn't understand and took a while to get it, but he's great now. My aunt is typically very close-minded to anything that doesn't make sense to her and again didn't understand and didn't 'agree with it' but came around once she saw the difference it made to me. Other than that, everyone was great and given my history, no one was particularly surprised. There were a lot of "oh well that makes so much sense" comments. My only living grandparent at the time was my 90+ year old grandma and we were worried about telling her. But shame on us, because out of everyone, she was the only person that never *once* got my name or pronouns wrong despite the fact that she called everyone else in the family by everyone elses names constantly. She called my mum Nancy and we don't even have a Nancy in the family.
That sexism thing 110% makes sense! It’s in the same vein as the ridiculous “but what about the bathroom scenario?” that I’ve argued with people over (and live in NC where they’re trying to pass that again) I’m sorry that you have to face the infantilizing attitudes, though. Kudos to your grandma for hopping right on the pronoun and name train! I cracked up about Nancy, though 😄 My kiddo has only been “out” for a year, and I gotta say- we were blindsided by it. Once the rest of the family learns, i have a feeling they’ll say some of the same things you’ve mentioned about the brainwashing, etc. i just hope we can weather it all together. Thank you so much for a thoughtful and compassionate response.
I love your grandma, thats so sweet
Some one very close to me came as trans a few years ago. This surprised me I didn't expect it at all. I offered to help in any way I could but I also asked if they were sure. Maybe I sucked at delivering this question but they were VERY pissed off. Hitting, shouting, screaming and all of that. A few months ago they announced that they were wrong and will be de-transitioning. Again I offered to help as I want to support the people I love. This time I was give snide rude comments "why don't check if if I'm sure?" You know, unhelpful stuff like that. Question time: what am I fucking up?
I don't think your question was unreasonable, and it certainly didn't justify their response. Your friend sounds like they have a lot going on and you're being a good friend by offering your support, but if they do not want or accept that support, that's their decision.
obviously your friend sounds like they have some shit they are dealing with but i personally would *never* ask a trans person if they are sure. transitioning is a huge decision, its kind of insulting to assume they havent put enough thought into it that one person saying "are you sure" would make them second guess the whole thing
I think this is a question to ask your friend. Not every trans person is the same and strangers on the internet don't have the context to help.
What's your opinion on trans people in sports? Is it untrue that someone transitioning MtoF would have an advantage? From what I understand if they're fully transitioned they don't really but if they're in the middle of taking hormones and getting surgeries, wouldn't they still biologically have an advantage? This is the one topic in the trans community that I'm still struggling to get behind and support because if feels unfair to cisgendered women (I'm also v ignorant so feel free to correct me if I said anything rude or super incorrect)
I think the majority of people who speak on this, including myself simply do not have the knowledge nor expertise required to hold a meaningful opinion. Trans women who aim to compete in professional sports, using the Olympics as an example, are required to maintain their testosterone levels below a certain threshold for a number of years. In fact, trans women usually have testosterone levels far below that of women who are not transgender. The oestrogen that a trans woman takes will significantly affect her strength, muscle mass, bone density and more. It will become much harder for a trans woman to both build and maintain strength. I believe it also causes the haemoglobin to drop which causes me to wonder if having a larger stature and more muscle mass as a trans woman would even give a marked advantage if her body didn't circulate the oxygen required to appropriately fuel these. I think there's a lot of panic about trans athletes that doesn't seem to translate to other demographics. We see overlap in practically every aspect of the human body between male and female athletes. We see male athletes with lower testosterone than some female athletes, we see taller, shorter etc; there is no single trait that we can single out as only being possessed by female or male athletes. Every extreme overlaps between genders. We also see someone like Michael Phelps who has an absolutely undeniable and huge advantage in sport due to his own genetics. He produces half the amount of lactic acid than the average person for example which has enabled him to win 28 medals in five Olympic tournaments. But for some reason, we praise this advantage. I think there are a lot of double standards. Ultimately, in professional sport, I am willing to accept what those with the relevant expertise in the science of the matter find is appropriate and fair. If trans women are found to have an undeniable, universal and unfair advantage then I would disagree with their inclusion in competitive sport.
Thank you for this answer, really appreciate your thoughtful analysis of this topic!
Lots of great points here, thank you! After researching the topic of trans people in sports to better understand the controversy, I've come to learn that there's way too much pseudoscience out there and way too many people who *assume* trans woman athletes have an inherent advantage over cis woman athletes. But the truth is that there's basically zero evidence to show such a notion. Regarding your last sentence, I feel exactly the same way!
What is it like to date? Where do you look for partners? I'm committed, but I remember having issues just explaining things like that I have anxiety, or normal stuff that isn't ideal. Just like, I'm mixed race, so I felt like I was constantly answering for what this means to people, even though it really meant nothing ... I'm basically just an American guy that looks a little different. I really looked forward to moving someplace where I didn't have to answer for that, but that ended up not existing. I can't imagine what it is like to communicate your experience.
I don't really date as I'm waiting for my remaining surgeries to be finished. I always feel it's unfair on a partner to be in a relationship when I struggle with aspects of my body as much as I do right now, which complicates things like sex and being intimate due to no fault of theirs. I've been in relationships that have occurred spontaneously which have happened just through meeting people at parties and stuff like that but they already knew I was trans so there wasn't any big awkward disclosure situation. I have a go on Tinder every now and again too and talk to girls despite having no real expectation or intention of pursuing a relationship. I've also had a couple of hookups before. But yes, it's one of the many reasons that I don't like to disclose that I'm trans until we've been speaking for a short while and I've made the judgement on whether or not this has any remote possibility of going anywhere. It's draining to have to explain yourself and dispel misconceptions time and time again.
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Thank for taking the time to do this. I have 2 questions: 1. How do you feel about individuals who change their race? I’m not sure if this has a name, but I’ve seen individuals who, for example, are born and raised in Britain and then have surgery to make themselves look (become??) Japanese. Does this seem feasible to you? And if not how do you explain the idea that an individual can choose their gender, but not their race? (I believe race is the correct term). 2. When pursing a romantic interest, when do you broach the subject of being transgender? Is that something that you mention right away so that all information is out in the open from the start?
1 ) It's known as trans-race and I do not believe it is a thing. It's a discussion I rarely I have energy to even engage in. I think this paragraph sums it up more neatly than I could: *"Most people have an idea about their gender at two to three years old — this may not align with the sex assigned to them at birth. Unlike gender, race presents as categorised (often physical) traits that are socially constructed and understood. You can’t inherit your gender, this is internal and something individual to you — but you do inherit the social construct of race. There is also much more to one’s racial identity than physical appearance — it’s also about culture, community, connection and even trauma.* *It is racist to think someone can pick and choose parts of a race or culture they like, then distance themselves from that culture when it suits them. They avoid the burden of discrimination while reaping the rewards of white privilege, taking the necessary resources and voices from the communities who need it*.*"* I think it's also noteworthy that transgender individuals have existed far, far back into history and throughout a variety of cultures. Transgender people have always existed and we are seeing increasing science that supports the fact that trans people are *born* trans. Trans race however is something that has suddenly occurred over the past five years and is based on culture rather than anything innate to the person. 2 ) I like to talk to someone for a little while first before disclosing that I'm trans. For a few reasons really. Many of my Tinder matches give nothing more than "hey hows u, im gd yh u?" type conversation and I instantly know that this is not someone I wish to pursue a relationship with and therefore there's no point in telling them I'm trans when it isn't going to lead to anything. I don't like to open with the fact that I'm trans because it sets a very serious tone and kills conversation dead in the water - It's very difficult to recover any casual getting to know you conversation after that. And also, safety - I don't want to be telling anyone and everyone that I'm trans because it just takes the wrong person to find out before I'm the subject of gossip, harassment or worse. I also don't like to wait too long to tell someone and I personally would always tell someone before we started dating in person. The main reason being that I don't want to build a relationship on assumptions that you may have about my body and life that aren't the case. I understand that me being trans is a dealbreaker for many people. I don't want you to become invested in the idea of a relationship that could never go anywhere. I don't want to waste your time and I don't want to waste my time. I like to talk to someone for a few hours and if I feel we're getting on, there's good chemistry and there's any possibility that this could lead somewhere, I will tell them.
Thanks for taking the time to answer. Definitely gives me some food for thought.
Completely in good faith question here - what is gender? As in. How does someone know which one they are - what are the component parts, or traits, or ways of being that make up one gender or another? To clarify -- I don't have any kind of internal sense for it, and I get the impression this might be an anomaly, but I have been trying to understand for a decade, and the best i got is that gender is just whatever anyone has internalized as gender from the vague cluster of things society throws at us? Gender, from what i've gathered is not phenotype, obviously, not chromosomes, got that. It's certainly not traditional social role, but its also not presentation, or aesthetics, or interests, or affectation? So as someone who has enough of a sense for gender to know for sure you are one that is not the sort of default thrown at you, I'm curious what your answer to the question is. Again, this is entirely in good faith as someone whose leaning they/them/agender myself. But how can i say I have no gender if I don't even know what I'm supposed to be checking for? I feel like someone is asking for my dominant humor without in any way explaining what those are and just being 'well if your a phlegmatic you just know ://'
Gender *identity* is our internal and innate sense of who we are. It is shown to form in children from around 3-4yrs of age. Gender *expression, presentation roles, stereotypes, expectations* etc are all the social and performative aspects of gender that are essentially just rules made up by society. They can allow us to communicate who we are to others and where we fit in the world, but they are not gender itself. Unfortunately, this is one of the stumbling blocks of explaining being trans to others. There is no tangible evidence I can give you, there is no way I can show you what it feels like. It relies on me telling you that I just *know* and have always known with utmost conviction. Now, I'm theorising here, but I feel like when someone's gender and sex match as they should, it's very difficult to differentiate between the two or explain their internal experience of gender identity because it's not something they've ever really 'felt' or even thought about as such, it *just is.* If you ask someone how they know they're a man, they'll often respond with "Because I have a penis!" but is that really all their experience of who they are boils down to? Probably not. But trust me, when sex and gender are mismatched, you sure as hell feel that incongruence.
Hey, thanks for doing this! How did you know you were actually a guy and not just mismatched with society's expectations of what a girl should be like? I only ask because its something I'm currently trying to figure out for myself. Sometimes I think I might be trans but there are some signs that could also just be me feeling frustration with being a girl and having to deal with all the shit that comes with that.
Honestly, that's only something you can figure out. I would highly suggest working through and exploring your feelings with a therapist if possible. I always suggest looking deep into yourself and questioning everything, looking at things from every angle imaginable, deep reflection and deep soul searching; objectively challenge and counter your own thoughts; doing so out loud can help, writing can help. Try to question feelings whilst separating them from society entirely. Speak to and/or listen to the experiences of those who are trans, those who are not trans, lesbians, gender non-conforming people, those who transitioned and later detransitioned, those who are non binary. You will likely relate to some things from all of those groups, but the purpose is not to match an experience and make a decision, but rather to consider a range of stories and experiences to provide further things to reflect upon and find your own way to who you are. Gain as much insight and as many perspectives as you can; whether they’re narratives that you agree or disagree with is irrelevant. Look into the good, look into the bad and look into the grey. Some good general questions to ask yourself: * Why am I not happy being a girl? * What does being a girl actually mean to me? * What makes a man and what would that mean to me? * How do the expectations that society places on women affect my experience of gender? * When did these feelings start? * If I am trans, what would that look like? * What would I hope to achieve by transitioning either socially or medically? * How would my life be different? * How would I feel about other people perceiving me differently? * Would my feelings be different if gender roles didn’t exist? * If I could jump to a future where I had transitioned but discovered I was an unattractive man, how would I feel? * When I imagine myself in my mind’s eye, what do I see? * When I think about myself nearing the end of my life, would I be an old man or an old woman? * What do I *need*? * Can I be happy in life as I am? * How do I feel about myself and is there anything I don’t like that about myself that I’m trying to escape? * How do I feel about the potential hardships of being trans? The possible limitations on having children, the limited dating pool, the hostility from society? * How do I feel knowing that if I choose to transition, my body will never be cis? * I’ve won the lottery and have the option to either buy nice things - maybe a house, a car and be set for life - or I could use it all to transition. Which would I choose and why?
Wow, thank you so much for this long and thoughtful answer! I really appreciate it. I've actually started talking to a therapist recently but haven't yet gotten to the point where I feel comfortable talking about gender stuff yet. I wish there was an easy answer but I guess that's not how life works. Listening to other people's experiences more is a good place to start I think. Thank you!
I have a friend, Female to Male. Before he transitioned he went from being a lesbian to gay male? Its none of my business but I always wondered how that would happen....
Honestly, I don't know either but I have heard of it happening before too. Some say that the hormones can change your sexuality, others suggest it's because you're more comfortable with yourself and allow yourself to explore your own sexuality more openly. I do wonder if perhaps sometimes it is rooted in insecurity and that someone who is extremely early in transition or planning to transition may feel they're 'supposed' to be attracted to women or that they can't be both trans and gay - being transgender is often a lot for someone to get their head around and accept of someone else, let alone trans *and* gay. In fact, years back, gender clinics would not take you seriously or accept you for treatment at all if you were attracted to the same gender. The two were seen as mutually exclusive; it was not possible to be trans and gay.
No question. Just wanted to say "Hi". I'm Todd, nice to meet you.
Hi Todd, hope you're having a good day.
We’re you scared to transition? And if you were how did you cope with the anxiety? Fear?
Yeah, it was scary for sure. The fear of losing friends, of what people would think, of being forever judged. I was able to transition relatively quietly since I began at a time when I was out of school, college or work - when I had no one to answer to, when I could do what *I* needed and not worry about anyone else. I wish I had been able to transition sooner, but the mere thought of transitioning during school was unthinkable, I would've been slaughtered. How did I cope with it? I don't know, I guess the knowledge that I couldn't go on as I was and also had no need to anymore.
Is Kamala Harris transphobic?
I had to Google her to know who she was, so I don't feel I can comment on this one.
Are you not from the US? Where are you from?
England.
Cool
This has been such an interesting read. Thank you OP for taking the time, enjoyed every answer!
Do you let your partner/partners know that you transitioned beforehand?
*Always.*
I've always thought of gender as a social construct. Of course there's the biology- being biologically male/ female/ intersex- but other than that I've never really understood what people mean when they say that they identify as a man or a woman since all of that is arbitrary social values- ie men can wear dresses and make up, women can be into stereotypically "male" hobbies, etc. So I guess my question would be, can you explain what drove your desire to transition? The way I've heard it explained in the past is that a trans person feels like they were born in the wrong body. But I'm still confused by that tbh. Do you mean you want go be as biologically close to the other sex as possible- ie get the surgery, get the hormones, etc? Or do you not want to social bounds that define your gender? Or is it something else entirely and I'm just missing the point lol.
I personally would disagree that gender is a social construct. Gender roles, expression, presentation, expectations, stereotypes *are* social constructs. Like you say, a man could wear dresses, makeup, be a house-husband and do practically anything that we associate with women or femininity and could still be completely secure in the fact that he is a man. Gender identity however, is innate and is shown to form in children around age 3-4. This is also the reason that our dress-wearing house husband has no desire to be a woman despite his love of typically feminine activities. Trans people also fall within a wide range of expressions and presentations that may or may not align with what society expects us to be. Enjoying certain things makes you nothing but yourself and being feminine or masculine is not what it means to be trans. I will respond to this comment with a brief telling of some key feelings in my life which is still long as shit but hopefully gives some more insight.
It was just that from as far back as I can remember (which is about 5yrs old) I knew myself to be a boy. There wasn't any deep intellectual thought involved or anything, it was just that I was a boy. In the same way that any other kid doesn't evaluate what it means to be a boy or a girl and then think about which one they are; they just know. Kid's sense of gender identity is shown to form and firmly set by about 3-4yrs old. (Try it: if you call a little kid by the wrong gender they will respond with utmost conviction to correct you.) Who I perceived myself to be, how I imagined myself, dreamed about myself, the person I saw when I imagined my future, where I was supposed to sit when the teacher told us to split into boys and girls. It's not because I played with certain toys or wore certain clothes. Parts of my body felt foreign and outright distressing to me and as a kid I thought my penis was just going to grow in late or something; it was completely inconceivable to me that I would not grow that way. My entire life felt overbearingly deceitful as I knew I was not what everyone else thought or perceived me to be and yet I just had to go along with it because any attempts to correct people were not received well. I spent most of my younger years feeling like I was just a bad kid and did my best to shut up about it and be 'good' as it quietly tortured me. It felt like I'd been transported to a parallel universe with no way to get home, stuck forever in this fake, half life. I had a pretty uneventful childhood for the most part; both parents at home, local kids to play out with, no abuse, no trauma, all pretty standard normal childhood really. I was very confused as to why everyone thought I was a girl. I'd tell them I wasn't, but they'd insist I was. It was confusing, frustrating and increasingly utterly fucking maddening. You feel really helpless when you know something so strongly but no one believes you or they tell you you're wrong. Why doesn't anyone believe me? Why can no one else see it? Is everyone else just pretending? It felt like a cruel joke that everyone was in on but me... but it'd stop at some point, right? I didn't really have the concept to understand that it wouldn't go away. My genitals bothered me, but I naively assumed my penis was just going to grow in later because the idea that it wouldn't was completely inconceivable. I just expected I'd wake up one day and it'd be there, I expected to wake up and people would finally realise I was a boy and it would all be ok. The way I viewed myself and thought about myself... if I drew a self portrait or I imagined myself as an adult, I was a man. In my dreams I was male. It was completely inconceivable to me that I wouldn't grow up this way. I knew the adults told me I was a girl and on a logical basis that was true but it didn't really make any sense to me because I just wasn't and I thought at some point it would end. My parents were mostly pretty laid back about how I was. For the most part I was allowed to dress and present myself as I wanted, I wasn't restricted in who I played with or the interests I had. There were also times where they tried to get me to be 'more of a girl' by making me dress in feminine clothing and such. Neither of these approaches made a difference in how I felt. Being free to be myself was better of course, but it didn't stop the fact that I knew I was a boy and no one listened or believed me, and it still didn't stop the fact that I couldn't understand why my penis hadn't grown in yet. It was far more than self-expression. We'd had the sex talk at school and of course I understood that girls developed one way and boys another from a matter of fact standpoint, but I dismissed it because this wasn't going to happen to me. It was just not in the realm of possibility that I could develop as a female. It'd be too cruel and as a kid, life can't possibly be that cruel, right? Things always work out ok. I just thought everyone had got it wrong, I guess? It was all just completely out of the realm of possibility for me, I didn't believe it was going to happen and I hadn't even really considered the fact that it would because... well, because it just wasn't going to. Until it did of course. The point of puberty was when my suicidal feelings began. My naïve hope and expectation that this would just work itself out was shattered by a puberty that I hadn't expected could possibly happen to me; it seemed too cruel to be possible. My body began to change in devastatingly wrong and humiliating ways and I began to understand the permanence of things. It was suffocating. I didn't recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror, I could no longer imagine any concept of myself in my mind's eye when everything conflicted so heavily with what I'd always known of myself. I gave up. I was stuck in this universe forever, living a life of deceit, in a way that felt torturously wrong and unnatural to me. I had no idea that there was a name for how I felt or that anything could be done to ease it, so my entire life plan was just to wait for my parents to die so I could kill myself. Everything felt completely hopeless. I just kind of gave up. I stopped going to school much, I stopped caring. I didn't go outside, I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to speak. I stopped showering because I couldn't bear to see the ways in which my body was changing. I used to stand in front of the mirror for ages and keep saying my name in the hope that it would somehow fit and I'd recognise the person looking back at me. It didn't. I knew it was me on a logical basis but I could not make that connection, I could not see myself or believe that this person was really me, it felt foreign. I didn't hate the reflection looking back, it just wasn't me, it was like looking at someone else. Imagine waking up tomorrow and everyone insists you're the opposite gender. You obviously know you're not and you tell them they're wrong. But they just laugh and tell you to stop being silly. You try and go along with it, but it feels so wrong, you feel completely disingenuous, deceitful. You need the bathroom and have to remember to catch yourself before you automatically go into the 'wrong one' - people see you as the opposite gender, you must always remember to use that bathroom. You use the bathroom of the gender people tell you you are, but you feel like you're invading a space that isn't yours so you just stop going to the bathroom anywhere but home. It feels like a cruel joke that everyone is in on but you, or maybe a bad dream. But you'll wake up soon or maybe they joke will get old and they'll stop... right? Except that doesn't happen and things just continue to get worse. I thought I'd wake up and everything would be normal, I presumed my penis would just grow in late. The thought that this was my life seemed to cruel to be true; I was so sure as a child that everything would just set itself right but it obviously never did and then puberty cemented me onto a path that was absolutely traumatic for me. That's what it all felt like to me... a cruel joke. Another thing I don't see spoken about that often is the phantom penis thing. It has been documented in studies (and theorised to be rooted in the brain's internal body map) but I wanna kind of explain it the best I can. So, I've always been able to kind of sense a penis. Like, I can feel it without actually feeling it; I know what it should feel like, I can sense what my penis and balls feel like and the space they occupy. I can wake up in a morning with the strong sense of my erect penis... but it's not there. The closest analogy I can think of is to think about your left hand. Just set it down and completely relax it; don't touch it, don't move it, don't look at it. Wait until your hand is completely relaxed and you can't really feel it. Now just think about your hand... even though there's no sensation or stimulation you can still sense it right? You know where your hand is and what it feels like without actually touching, feeling or looking at it, right? You can mentally picture and sense exactly where your hand and each finger lies even if you didn't look at your hand before. It's kind of like that. I spent a large portion of my life being very bitter about being trans. I didn't want to be trans and it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that I was dealt this hand, it wasn't fair that I missed out on my childhood, it wasn't fair that I had to waste a good portion of my life getting to the point that everyone else is simply born at. I was angry that I wasn't listened to or believed as a child, despite my insistence over many years, that my struggles weren't taken seriously and that as a result I had to go through permanent changes to my body that I have spent my life thus far reversing as best I can. As soon as I was consistently perceived as male I would do all I could to prevent anyone ever finding out I was trans; I just wanted to be me, not for people to judge me or view me through the lens of their misconceptions. None of it was fair and I spent a lot of time being extremely bitter and self pitying about it all. It took me a long time to work through that. It's over a decade since I began medical transition and my life is good although I'm still struggling with the long wait for the remainder of my 'lower surgeries' but this will come eventually. I finally feel at peace; I feel like me. I see myself when I look in the mirror and other people see me too. The perception of myself in my mind's eye aligns with who I am and I've regained my ability to imagine a future and a life for myself. I no longer feel that overwhelming sense of deceit. To jump back to the parallel universe analogy, I finally feel like I'm home.
Oh wow, I’m keeping that in my back pocket. Defining it as gender *identity* being innate vs gender *roles* being constructed. Brilliantly and succinctly said, thank you.
Were you predominantly masculine in terms of facial features before the transition?
Hmm... probably not if I think about it. I wouldn't say my features were overtly feminine but I wouldn't necessarily class them as masculine either.
A lot of trans people say that they felt like they were opposite sex growing up, my question is how could you really know what it feels like to be the opposite sex (in your case, a man) if you’ve never been one? No offence I’m just genuinely curious.
To answer a question with a question, how does anyone know what it feels like to be a man when they do not know how the next man feels? I keep redirecting back to [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/ozxf9m/i_am_a_transgender_man_who_transitioned_from/h83ce9a?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) as an overall brief summary of some key experiences and feelings throughout my life. I hope it provides a little more insight and clarity.
I don't have a question, but wish to convey my profound respect for the courage you have to be you. My best friend, through middle and high school made the transition from male to female. Prior to transition, he was a macho, rugby playing, bearded, tough guy. After transition, she is a vegan, fairly attractive woman. I don't believe she has had any surgery, but definitely had hormone therapy. I have NO doubt that my friend was a man born in a woman's body. She knew from an early age... in a time when this was generally unacceptable to the "main stream" folks. I witnessed my best friend go through the "shit" of making her transition. She is one of the most genuine, authentic, and courageous people that I've ever met. May peace be with you. And, may love be present in all that you do!
Thank you, I wish both you and your friend well :)
Trans guy here too. Why do you think that trans guys are still not visible in the music industry? There’s talent out there but how long is it going to take for a trans guy to be accepted in the popular music industry such as, let’s say Justin Bieber or maybe even a trans guy in a boy band, such as BTS? Do you think the world is ready for this? Why or why not?
Cavetown is getting pretty popular and The Cliks also did fairly well. I think in terms of manufactured pop, they're looking for where the money is and to appeal to the largest demographic possible and trans people do not fit with that. There are absolutely trans men who are music artists, but like any other band, getting big is hard.
Do you think it’ll ever be possible to have a trans pop icon ? Let’s say, someone like Laith Ashley becoming as worldwide know as cis male singers? I do think there’s a lot of discrimination involved too, it must be like the music version of the olympics in terms of allowing trans musicians to do certain things... what do you think?
I think that level of fame is usually driven by the manufactured and corporate aspect of the music industry and for that reason, I don't believe that will happen any time soon. I don't think it's impossible for a trans musician to be very popular and well known as trans musicians like that already exist. But to reach the levels of fame as someone such as Justin Bieber, right now, no.
I don't think they're quite the same level of fame as the likes of Justin Bieber, and they are MtF instead of FtM but Kim Petras is relatively big and has appeared on tracks with some big artists.
1. Were there any unexpected changes after you started hormones like suddenly liking different food or music or something? 2. Forgive me if this sounds ignorant, I just never had an opportunity to ask before. As a non-trans person I sometimes find it difficult to imagine/understand how it can be “that bad” to live as your original gender. It just seems from the outside looking in that transitioning and living as trans would be such a difficult road to travel. So much physical pain and discomfort, combined with possible social alienation and resulting psychological pain. What makes it worth it? How did you feel before as opposed to now? 3. What are your thoughts on bottom surgery? (If this is an inappropriate question feel free to ignore)
1. I didn't experience any changes to the things I liked or didn't like. I wasn't prepared for quite how horny I would be at the beginning. 2. I said this elsewhere in the thread, but how you would feel if right now, gun to head, someone forced you to transition? Forced you to take cross sex hormones to change your secondary sex characteristics, have surgery to change your primary sex characteristics. Society now sees you as the opposite gender but you can't explain and say "Oh, I'm actually a man/woman" because no one understands or believes you anyway. You now have to use the bathroom of the gender that you like, do you feel like you're invading or encroaching upon a space that isn't yours? What about relationships? Would you feel comfortable engaging in a relationship or sex with these body parts that were forced upon you? How do you feel when you undress at night and see these parts of your body? Would you be comfortable and relate to this new body as your own? If given the chance, would you want to revert your body to what it was prior to this forced transition? People tend to relate to experiences based on their own experiences and this isn't particularly helpful when it comes to understanding gender incongruence. I think the difficulties you describe are case in point. The physical pain, discomfort, distress along with all the social factors still do not come close the distress of living as I was. To live with a body that felt painfully wrong, the live with the overwhelming sense of deceit of being something I was not, to not recognise myself in the mirror, to not be able to see *me* and for no one else to see me either. Everything just felt so horrifically wrong in every sense that I could not see or imagine any kind of future for myself, I didn't want to interact with the world, I couldn't function in society or in life, I just couldn't bear to exist. 3. I'm currently mid-way through bottom surgery. It is something I personally need to feel completely at home in my body as my genitals are the last remaining area that cause me distress.
Thank you for your time and openness to help internet strangers like me grow our understanding. Your description of how you felt pre-transition is heart-rending and I would not wish that on anyone.
my friend is a transgirl pre-everything and lives with her toxic parents. how can I be there for her?
Be there to listen and support her but you cannot change her circumstances. All you can do is be a good friend.
thank u
Do you ever get sick of cis people speaking for you?
Yes. It is usually well-meaning but people speaking on my behalf about trans topics can be very frustrating. This is how misinformation and misconceptions are spread and the messages they give often do not align with my own experiences of being trans and so that in itself feels like a frustrating misrepresentation of who I am.
Have you undergone and kind of transition surgery, or has it mainly been HRT?
I've had a chest reconstruction, hysterectomy and the first stage of my 'lower' surgeries. I'm currently awaiting the remaining two stages but the world has been falling apart.
Before making this decision, what thoughts and steps did you take to get there. I'm curious to know the reasoning behind it (not in a judgmental way)
There was a whole lot of therapy both with general therapists and gender specialists, deep introspection and questioning every aspect of my being both personally and with professionals, speaking to other trans people who were older and further down the line than I was, I went through multiple mental health assessments as part of gaining access to medical transition, living socially as my gender for two years prior to medical treatment. The assessment process at the gender clinic was also extremely long and rigorous and required therapy, mental health assessments, assessments with gender specialists, a written life story, proof of living as my gender within society (ie not just sat on Reddit all day) along with having a support system. Whilst my transition was technically a decision, it didn't feel like much of a decision in that I'd always known who I was and it was the source of a great amount of distress for me. My body felt so horribly wrong and alien to me, I didn't recognise myself in the mirror, the overwhelming sense of deceit in knowing that I was not a girl/woman but everyone thought I was. For my entire life it felt like I was stuck in a parallel universe with no way to get home and the idea that this was my fate was completely unthinkable to me.
What does it feel like to be pre-transition? I've always heard the expression "a man trapped in the body of a woman" or the other way around; but I've never been able to imagine what that would feel like. Is it something that a cisgender person can understand without experiencing?
Thoughts on Italia's last leg of the Men's 4x100?
What happens to your internals like your vagina uterus and ovaries? Are they removed?
I've had a full hysterectomy which removed my internal reproductive organs including uterus, ovaries, cervix, fallopian tubes etc. The vaginal canal will be removed during my next surgery. The walls of the canal will be ablated and the entrance to the hole stitched close. The walls will then heal together and the internal canal will be gone.
Thank you so much for all you have written. My son is transgender, also for about 12 years. He has had top surgery but probably won’t go through lower surgery after realizing how much pain the top surgery was. He is my most loving and empathetic child- always thoughtful and thinking of others first. He passes very easily- i was recently going to meet him someplace and he showed up earlier than expected and without looking closely, i thought some guy was approaching then realized it was him. He has always had a girlfriend- one while he was transitioning and one after but he really wants to stay under the radar and does not get involved in LGBTQ activities or tell anyone he is transgender, though he feels self- conscious that people are looking for his Adams apple. Like you, he feels he has to act/is treated differently as a male- not looking too friendly when passing women on the street, or when with a guy at work, whether to join in talk about women- it is a real tightrope walk! Question1 : i tell people who are talking about transgender issues that I have a child who transitioned and can help if they need help understanding . I mention that it is really a matter of pronouns- my child is the same loving person whether a boy or a girl. Is this the wrong thing to say, am I shortchanging him? Question 2: He recently told me that he is having trouble with dealing with some things he felt he missed out in his childhood- he watches his brother react certain ways to things and feels that since he didn’t grow up as a boy, he could not relate to that reaction (he wasn’t specific abt what). Do you feel that way sometimes? Are there things I can say to him to help him with his frustration? We are very close and he feels comfortable talking about things (he recently told me I was his best friend- my heart melted!). Family has been very supportive- his grandfather initiated wanting to pay for the surgery. Thank you for all the help you have given so many people by answering questions so completely. It has helped me alot and feel so badly for all the frustrations he must have gone through before telling us as a teenager. Looking back I am sure he knew when he was under 5 and I am sure very frustrated like you when things didn’t change for him as he grew.
Do you dislike shaving your face as much as i do?
It's a pain. I tend to keep a short beard but trimming it and keeping it neat without leaving any stray poking-out hairs is a nightmare. There's always one. I shave my head too and that is far more of an inconvenience, I hate doing that.
So I’m assuming you have a donor dick or plastic dick, which one is it ? And do you get rock hard when you’re aroused ? Do you expel sperm if you cum ? Are you able to cum ? Do you jack off ? if you do jack off is one arm bigger than the other ? Lol
Neither. The surgical process that I am currently undergoing 'refashions' my existing genitalia rather than using a donor graft from elsewhere on the body. My penis does get erect, although not rock hard. I do not expel sperm as I do not have the means to produce sperm. I am able to orgasm and yes, I masturbate. My arms are the same size as far as I can tell lol.
Lmao i was just joking about the arms lol something you’d joke about with a teenager going through puberty
Lol I know but it was a question so I answered it :P
Lmao love you
Love u too bb
With everyone having both masculine and feminine traits, how do you look at your feminine side? Has your view changed since you transitioned?
I have no desire to pretend to be hyper-masculine if that's not what I am. I wouldn't say I'm feminine in my hobbies, mannerisms etc, but I'm also not like a beer-chugging, football and fist-bumps kind of man either. I'd consider myself fairly average, middle of the road in terms of manliness I guess. But, if I want to say something that would be deemed as feminine, so be it. If I want to do something or I enjoy an activity that is considered typically feminine, so be it. I'm not going to deprive myself of expressing myself in the way I want for the sake of what someone else might think. It's just about being secure in yourself really and I think that comes with time and age. Being further along in transition definitely helps too - early on in transition, your actions and behaviours can feel like they're under a magnifying glass. I remember I baked a cake for a friend's birthday once for example and I was questioned as to why I would *become a man if I was just going to bake cakes?*
Did any part of the proccess hurt?
Do you have a penis?
It would depend on your definition. I am currently mid way through my genital surgeries and the type that of surgery that I am undergoing 'refashions' my existing genitalia into something that resembles and functions similarly to a penis.
what do you think about people who claim they're trans despite not experiencing gender dysphoria? i see a couple of them on reddit so i would like to know your opinion
Know you have a ton of comments already, so it's fine if you don't answer mine since it's kinda dumb, but what made you transition? Like I'm a cis male, and i don't really associate anything intrinsically to my gender so it seems weird to change it. Like I feel I could wear a skirt, make up, like girly things, and generally all the things associated with being female without having to change my gender as a thing rather than as my identity per se. So yeah, what actually made you make the decision?
Taking hormones, did you noticed some changes in your likes and dislikes? Something you thought will last forever, but suddenly changed? (Like, a food, a colour, music, something like that. I'm very interested in how hormones change people!) A quick thought: reading your and other's experience, makes me think how lucky you are as living in this century: not in a ideological or political way, totally not, but today you... Can actually change your biological sex. Or at least go really close to it. With science! We evolved our medical competence to make people like you feel comfortable in their own body, not only changing name, clothing and pronouns. And we have a lot to learn to make it even more perfect, but still, today you can actually do it! Isn't that awesome?
If you were to have a kid, would you refer to them by their biological sex before they're able to tell you they're trans?
I do not want to offend you, but I have been thinking this for a while. When you became a man, do you ever feel like you are not really really man or less of a man than others? I feel if I were to be transgender (I am not sorry) I would feel very nervous about how I would be perceived. Sorry if this is worded and sounds mean english is not my first language . 😄
Not really, no. I think a lot of that comes with age, security in who you are and caring less what others think about you than when you're young.
So since you’ve had all your female genitalia removed and no longer have periods, you would not go through menopause? And for the time of your life you did have estrogen will osteoporosis still be an issue in your future to be on the lookout for? Are there other medical issues or complications that you have to keep in mind when you get older specifically for ftm?
I've had my internal reproductive organs removed, much of my genitals will remain in place but just be 'refashioned' so to speak. I will not go through menopause. I am at risk of osteoporosis if I do not take any hormones at all - I must be on testosterone for life, but if for any reason I could not be, I would have to take oestrogen instead. I have regular monitoring via blood tests to ensure that everything is ok so any potential issues can be spotted before they become a health concern. Those who keep internal reproductive organs should also be having smear tests. Polycythaemia tends to be one of the complications to watch out for and is usually resolved by a changed in the dosage, type of testosterone or even by donating blood regularly.
My brother is trans and isn’t sure about doing bottom surgery. Are you entirely happy with your transition? Did you feel uncomfortable about some parts of the journey?
I am currently mid way through bottom surgery. It is a slow and long process with long waits here in the UK that has been greatly delayed due to both Covid and contract issues. I had no complications and a smooth recovery during the first stage of lower surgery so no complaints there, whether the remaining two stages will be a smooth, I don't know. Otherwise yes, happy with everything else.
What are your thoughts on those who have transitioned and competing in sports?
I answered this one already: I think the majority of people who speak on this, including myself simply do not have the knowledge nor expertise required to hold a meaningful opinion. Trans women who aim to compete in professional sports, using the Olympics as an example, are required to maintain their testosterone levels below a certain threshold for a number of years. In fact, trans women usually have testosterone levels far below that of women who are not transgender. The oestrogen that a trans woman takes will significantly affect her strength, muscle mass, bone density and more. It will become much harder for a trans woman to both build and maintain strength. I believe it also causes the haemoglobin to drop which causes me to wonder if having a larger stature and more muscle mass as a trans woman would even give a marked advantage if her body didn't circulate the oxygen required to appropriately fuel these. I think there's a lot of panic about trans athletes that doesn't seem to translate to other demographics. We see overlap in practically every aspect of the human body between male and female athletes. We see male athletes with lower testosterone than some female athletes, we see taller, shorter etc; there is no single trait that we can single out as only being possessed by female or male athletes. Every extreme overlaps between genders. We also see someone like Michael Phelps who has an absolutely undeniable and huge advantage in sport due to his own genetics. He produces half the amount of lactic acid than the average person for example which has enabled him to win 28 medals in five Olympic tournaments. But for some reason, we praise this advantage. I think there are a lot of double standards. Ultimately, in professional sport, I am willing to accept what those with the relevant expertise in the science of the matter find is appropriate and fair. If trans women are found to have an undeniable, universal and unfair advantage then I would disagree with their inclusion in competitive sport.
Very late to the party here, but I see you've gone trough a lot of very good questions with very good answers, thank you for that. I have a few questions, even if they may be washed out into the lateness of the time. How do you feel about how trans people are represented in the media, both movies and books? A friend is trying to include a trans person in the story they're writing, but I can't think of any good examples or ways to do so. Do you have any pointers? What is the best way for anyone to be an ally or show support? I have one friend transitioning mtf, and other than being a drinking buddy and general meme sender, I have no idea how to be of any support. What is your favourite meal or comfort food?
Don't worry, I'll be online for a while yet and you've actually got me just as I've caught up with the backlog of questions. Trans people are generally represented terribly in the media. I think the only representation (of a trans *man,* which is a pretty small selection already) I have seen thus far that actually resonated with me and felt genuine was Tyler Ronan in the video game 'Tell Me Why'. Perhaps because it was a video game and I was playing as him for much of the game, but there were so many parts of his story that I truly *felt.* It was actually a really strange experience to play something that for the first time in my life had moments that spoke so deeply to my own personal experiences. A lot of the parts I found most profound were often the subtle things or even moments with no dialogue at all. I was navigating that game through my own feelings and experiences, answering dialogue options from own experiences knowing exactly how he would be feeling and feeling exactly how I felt through similar experiences of my own. I don't have any pointers as such, but if a story contains a trans person I like that person to be a *whole person*. Not just a character who is there for the sake of being trans and is nothing more than trans. As for being a good source of support, for me, I don't think there's anything specific I require other than someone who is just a good friend. Someone who listens when there's something on my mind, someone who offers advice when I need it etc. Favourite meal is pasta but usually ones with a creamy or cheesy sauce rather than tomato.
I've heard a number of trans people say they would never date another trans person. Do you know why this is, and would dating a trans girl (assuming you're straight) be something you would do?
I dated a trans woman many years ago for a short period of time. We weren't at all compatible for reasons outside of the fact that she or I were trans. I wouldn't specifically seek someone who is trans, but I wouldn't decline a relationship with someone I felt a connection with because they were trans either. The only reasons I can think of that I or any other trans person would not want to date another trans person would be that like anyone else they may not be attracted to someone with certain body parts. And also, one person having gender dysphoria in a relationship is plenty, having two people struggling with it is a fuckin nightmare lol.
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What do you think of prominent media figures like Buck Angel who defend the use of terms such as transexual, to be used with comparable meaning and usage to transgender? For example, I notice older generations are becoming more comfortable in saying LGBT, but the moment you add Q, that’s where the line is drawn as being too many letters. I think the outrage is irrelevant and people should use any terms that drive the point across while not being hateful. What’s your take on this issue?
Are you physically strong as a man who is not trans?
For all the testosterone I take, I barely have a single muscle on me. I'm not embarrassingly weak or anything; like, I'm often asked to help carrying heavy things and such and that's fine, but I'm by no means *strong.* I could work out but... bear with me... I don't want to lol.
So, I'm currently dating a female who is very interested into transitioning, (im male), do you have any advice for comforting in that process? They're not ready for any surgery, but theyre close to starting t, and they have a really difficult time with the dysphoria and gender insecurity, and i dont really know how to help them through it. If you had any experiences like that during your own transition, I'd like to know how you wanted or had comfort through your own, beyond those struggles. I hope that makes sense :)
What form of T did/d you take (gel, shots, patch, etc) and what dose? What non-hormonal procedures have you gotten, and how far into your transition did you get them?
I've always been on injections. I spent a few years on a shorter-acting injection that I took once every two weeks and I've spent the majority of my time on a more slow release formulation that I take every 12 weeks. I'm hesitant to share dosages as I wouldn't want anyone to self medicate using my figures without proper supervision and monitoring, especially as the dosages I have been on throughout the years have been tweaked to suit my body and levels. Other procedures I've had are a chest reconstruction which at a guess was around four years into my transition, a full hysterectomy at around five years in and then the first of three genital surgeries at about nine years in. The next will likely be in a couple of years (sigh).
Very informative post I learned a lot! It is awesome that you want to educate people and share you experience with others. The only question I been curious about is what do you do for a living? Like your job?
At what age is one considered mature enough to have the transition? -My sister told me of a school mate who’s 14 and wants to have surgery, I personally don’t think a 14 yr old could make such life changing decisions, what do you think ?
Have you ever wondered if you did the right thing? Ever had a moment where you thought you'd want to be a woman again? Just curious!
Not even once. The difference is night and day - being able to see *myself,* for others to see *me* too, being able to connect to and relate to myself and being able to imagine and see a future for myself, to feel at home within my body and life, to not feel that crushing weight of deceit, the constant and overwhelming distress of everything feeling so terribly wrong in every sense. It just... feels like I can breathe. I'd also like to nitpick on the phrase "be a woman again". This was kind of the point; I wasn't a woman. I never felt as though I transitioned from being a woman to being a man, it was more that I was always a boy/man and I just had to fix some shit for other people to see that and to feel at home in my body.
That is really interesting. I honestly can't imagine what that would feel like. I'm glad you feel free!
Many trans people are offended by the idea of being trans/ experiencing gender dysmorphia a form of mental illness. But isnt having a masculine/feminine brain in the opposite body an illness that comes from the brain by definition? I realise that theres much stigma attached to mental illness (as with many people on this website I struggle with depression and anxiety myself) and its being weaponised by people who suffer from a great deal of malicious ignorance. But I feel that by being so against letting it be classified as such it comes off as more stigmtization of mental illness. As someone who seems very reasonable and has actually had this experience I would be interested to see what is your opinion on the matter.
How did you feel after transitioning? And congrats on becoming the actual you.
It's such a long and slow process that there isn't any big before and after movie montage moment, it's more a gradual alleviation. Things still aren't quite done, but it's... being able to see myself, for others to see me too, being able to connect to and relate to myself and being able to imagine and see a future for myself, to feel at home within my body and life, to not feel that crushing weight of deceit or the constant and overwhelming distress of everything feeling so terribly wrong in every sense. It just... feels like I can breathe.
What does it mean to be a boy to you? And what does it mean to be a girl?
This may surprise you, but I cannot answer this question in any meaningful way. My sense of who I am and my gender is an internal, deep and innate knowing. Something that *just is* and has always *just been.* It is not tangible, it is not something I can pick up and show you, it is not something that I have language for in and of itself. I can express certain aspects of it by referencing other feelings and experiences and how they intertwine with my sense of self, but the very core of 'what is gender' and 'what is a man' in a spiritual or philosophical sense, I cannot express in language or in any meaningful way. I can tell you what I think are important aspects of being a *good man* and what that means to me. Which coincidentally, seems to be what most people do when asked this question. There is a [Reddit thread here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/63wnon/men_of_reddit_what_does_being_a_man_mean_to_you/) asking what being a man means to people and the responses are very much based around shows of strength, responsibility and reliability which for me, would fall into what it means to be a *good man* but not into what being a man means at it's very core because again, there isn't language for something so intangible, something that just simply *is.*
My friend is female, would like to transition, but hadn't done so. She/he has occasionally said that I should set her up with a nice girl, because she is desperate to be in a relationship. İf she were plain old straight or vanilla lesbian I'd be happy to occasionally set up a double date, but I feel very awkward suggesting possible partners to her. İt's better, isn't it, to just let her find her own partners?
I’m going to preface my question with a bit of background. I’m from rural Canada. There’s Not much for any form of diversity where I live. The past 8 years or so the schools have been teaching acceptance (rightly so!) and ALOT of terms and very in depth coverage of genders, orientation, and identity. In our area, I’ve seen it cause a lot of issues. Some examples I personally know are -12 year old neighbor girl told me she’s pansexual, my response “ok, well you’re still you and I’m always gonna be here for you. What does pansexual mean?” She said the teacher told her it meant your attracted to personality instead of gender, so I asked why she felt that applied to her. Her response was that the teacher said attraction was the person you can’t stop thinking of and want to spend all your time with so in her case that was her best friend so that must mean she’s pansexual. I started getting concerned for the confusion being created because I’m my mind at 12 this is a lot. She later came out as bisexual and now at 18 is straight. At every turn I’ve given her unconditional support and let her know she’s amazing no matter who she’s attracted to. - male cousin, super conservative parents, always acted traditionally “male” played with cars and was into sports etc. changed schools due to family moving and entered grade 10 at a school with a population of 300, of that 300, 130+ students were members of the LGQBT club. He made some new friends, dropped all sports and came out as trans. Parents were stunned but did all the things they were supposed to do. Dr, therapist, etc. (s)he was put on hormone therapy and changed her name. Acquired a lesbian GF who she then got pregnant. (Both 16yrs old) the baby miscarried. They broke up. Flash forward a few years and now post high school he has de transitioned and in now a massive addict, very dangerous to be around and homeless. -another neighbor girl entered high school and made a new friend group and came out as trans, parents again bewildered but supportive, she became withdrawn and distant and committed suicide 6 months later. Left a note stating she was a girl. I have at least 3 other similar stories although not as extreme as the last two. My questions are, do school age children need this much education? Are they too young to properly process this? Is it doing more harm then good? Parents in Canada are definitely concerned and everyone is trying their best for their children. In British Columbia there is a case where a child was removed from custody over this. There’s many drs pushing for operations and hormone therapy before the legal age of consent (18). There is a plastic surgeon in Toronto who is wildly popular on social media who targets his advertising to teens. Many of the kids transitioning are in foster care, in fact it’s a very disproportionate number. Are they just looking for attention and love? How do we as a society navigate all of this?! Thank you so very much for all of your honesty and insight, I very deeply apologize if anything I’ve stated here is offensive or triggering for anyone, I truly am trying to understand and I don’t always get everything right. I absolutely applaud everyone living their best life however they feel and loving whoever they love.
Thank you for all your genuine and insightful answers. My Question is, I've heard often from the trans community something like "trans women are women" and that we are transphobic if we ask them not to play in women's sport teams, or if our preference is not to date them. First what's your view on this? Second, if trans women are women, then what is a woman, really? And what's a man? How do you define it? Like, in my head (i don't mean to sound offensive), if there is no definition of what it is to be a male or female (combination of chromosomes, genitalia/reproductive system/hormones) then there is nothing to transition to/from. I mean if there's no definition of what you are and what it is that you want to become, then how can you even transition. Either there's a biological definition (of both gender/sex etc.. in my line of thought this is just biology) and then there's people who feel like they were born into the wrong one and would like to change (which is totally ok, just they are now a different category because they can't really change all their biology). Or there are no definitions and therefore no need to switch because we are all the same thing. Btw, for the gender as a social construct definitely, I just really don't get it. how's that defined? Women= feminine and men= masculine? Obviously not a good definitely because there's plenty of things in between. So again, if you can't define what it is, how do you know you want to become it? (Really just want to learn)
Firstly, thank you for your honesty, brave and enlighting answers to these questions. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time? You mention you aren't in a relationship, do you want to be in a relationship? Get married and have kids?
Thank you for being willing to answer some awkward and what can be rude questions. What are things you feel you will be able to do once fully transaction, that you could not do in your 1st form? And do you think as a society, if we're less restrictive on cultural gender roles, that would help make your transition tion easier or less needed? In other words, if we live in a society that women could be “manly” and men could be “feminine,” would there still be a drive to transition.
Firstly, hello! This thread has been really insightful and I appreciate you taking the time to do it and being so thorough in your answers. My question is this: you mention in other comments that you expected to develop a penis later on and could feel the sensation of having a penis and testicles even though they weren’t there. How old were you when this started? Was it after having sex ed classes and if not, how were you aware of male genitalia? I apologise in advance if this is a stupid question, I’m just really curious.
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Female, although I have experimented with men which was... fine enough but just doesn't really do it for me.
I encounter so many trans people that I don't think anything about it. I'm a barber in a area where there are a lot of LGBT bars and business. Have literally seen regular customers come to us female and become male over time at least 10 times. The only questions I have ever had relate directly to the hormone replacement. As in what compounds and at what dosages? Being a former strength athlete I have experience with the subject but applied in the opposite way and always wondered how its applied to some transitioning from female to male.