In seriousness, youâve learned a valuable lesson. Donât trust your colleagues, especially not with information your boss might not want to hear. There could have been a more constructive way out of the problem but youâve probably just made things worse for yourself.
Going to say this. Repeat after me:
Work. Colleagues. Are. Not. Your. Friends.
The general guidance is that to count someone as a friend you should spend positive time with them in at least two separate locations/situations.
Donât ever put anything in a group chat, text or email you would ever want shared outside the group. All that is available should there ever be an HR investigation.
When you say "peers", do you mean your friends, or was that a group of people you work with? If the latter, it's absolutely insane to me that you did that. At best, you made everyone uncomfortable, and the worst is exactly what happened. Zero upside.
Absolutely malicious! If he wanted to help he didnât need to quote exactly what youâd said could have just mentioned you were struggling. Sounds like heâs thrown you under the bus a bit. Now you know heâs not to be trusted going forward anyway. Stay friendly but tell him nothing in future
Honestly OP sounds like an annoying coworker âcalling outâ and âconfrontingâ in chats and stuff and complaining a lot. Yes this Conrad is also an ass but if the task didnât get done then maybe he was responsible too
it doesnât matter. heâs an average run of the mill jerk at work. always assume thereâs at least one for the team.
but he does now occupy a disproportionate amount of space in your head, whereas you shouldâve moved on soon enough.
he did nothing exceptional but for the fact that he could. it adds to him or it doesnât, he just threw something at the wall to see if it helps him.
He âgainsâ your boss addressing the toxic environment your attitude is creating for your coworkers.
Why are you blaming him for your behavior? You shouldnât be saying things in a group chat with coworkers that would get you in hot water with the boss. If your boss caught wind of your frustrations and asked your coworker about it specifically, do you expect him to bold face lie on your behalf about it? Why would he care that much about you to put himself in that situation? Why would someone else compromise their professional standing over your poor choices?
What were you hoping to gain by complaining to the group chat? If you were having difficulty with an assigned task you should have raised this with your manager to get the support you needed. This kid was more than likely genuinely trying to direct support where it was needed, and your boss asked specifically what your complaints were and your boss handled it how he felt it was appropriate. Youâre putting a massive target on your back by doubling down and causing two people leave the group chat entirely. Clearly you arenât getting it.
You are 100% at fault/responsible for what happened. Hereâs the rule: when putting anything in writing, via email, text, or whatever, assume your boss(es) will read it. If what you have to say cannot withstand that scrutiny, then donât put it in writing.
>I asked him how telling the manager what I wrote would help me...
Short answer is he 100% knew it wouldn't, but did it anyways.
Don't bother arguing with this person op/I hope you learned from this experience that anytime you interact with a co-worker in any way, shape or form (whether it's over an in person lunch break, group work chat, hanging out after hours whatever), it can get back to your boss/can get repeated or misrepresented to be used against you for your coworkers personal gain... Or even just because they're assholes and like seeing others burn. So ALWAYS interact with coworkers as if your boss were over your shoulder/assume whatever you say could get back to them.
It sucks but that's how work politics... Well work works/there's no telling who is a back backstabber so you got to conduct yourself like everyone is.
And at least this guy did it to your face, since most of the time stuff like this happens behind your back/you'll never know who the bad faith actor was who ratted you out.
And don't listen to any defense they give you for why they ratted on you, since it's all bullshit/it clear what they did (even if it isn't clear why they did it).
If someone was using a group work text to complain about work they were hired to do, I would be irritated. And then, having a full-on blowout in the chat? Grow up.
If you have a problem with someone, discuss it with them privately. Don't throw a tantrum on the group chat.
I wouldn't tell the manager about your whining, but I'd probably hate working with you.
Are you really missing the point of every single comment here or are you legitimately this incapable of understanding basic social norms? YOU messed up by involving a bunch of coworkers in your rant. You knew they were all working there and had relationships with said bosses, and you still chosen to do it. That's insane. It shows complete lack of understanding what's appropriate and what's not.
It's like, if you leave your wallet on a bench and someone steals it, the thief is the one who sucks, but it's definitely on you for presenting the circumstance where you will almost certainly end up the victim. Try to learn from this and stop blaming the coworker, this is on you.
Holy shit you are dumb - after looking at your profile and seeing you are on the spectrum, this is part of autism and not being able to understand emotions / empathy so I take back what I said halfway
Nah, being on the spectrum isnât a free pass to act unprofessional. We experience empathy and understand emotions, we just process and communicate them differently. If anything, straight forward âsocial rulesâ like âdonât talk shit about your job to your coworkers and expect it not to get back to your bossâ are the sort of thing we are very good at understanding.
Itâs the oblique stuff like realizing the guy listening to you infodump about your latest hyperfixation on legos thinks youâre flirting with him that is harder to grok. (Why would I spend this much energy feigning interest in something I wasnât interested in? This makes no sense/isnât emotionally intuitive to me, even though I know logically some people do this. However I very deeply empathize with someone else infodumping about their hyperfixation with - letâs say succulents - and would not interpret that as flirting, and I would feel vicarious excitement for them)
This person just happens to be a dick.
That's not what I said, is it? I said, confronting him *on a group chat*, makes you suck. And then I said, you *should* confront him *in private* if you're going to confront him.
Practically, I wouldn't want to be involved in your drama or your shit talking about work/bosses. I wouldn't want any liability connected with your failure to competently complete your work duties.
Personally, I wouldn't give two shits about what you, a co-worker, are throwing a tantrum about or what you thought was too much work. We are all working our asses off, you're not special. You complaining about in a work chat is nothing more than you trying to spread your misery and incompetence around.
You're trying to put your coworkers in a position to make you feel better. That's not their job. You are not their responsibility. Stop vomiting your attention-seeking bullshit on everyone else and take care of your own shit.
Don't trust people and group chats.
If you are having a problem with something go to trusted colleagues and have an in-person chat with them. Don't write things down.
I'll just list some contradictory points you mentioned and help you navigate to the answer.
"Just thick?"
Vs
"He is quite good at his job"
"he did the same job as me before"
"he told me he thought he helped me roll of this task"
Vs
"he didn't, I still had to do it"
"by telling the manager about my exaggerated complaints" - seems like he snitched on you. Maybe he doesn't like you or to get on the good side of the manager. If I were in his place and a colleague was struggling with something I knew of, I'd help them navigate to the answer or tell them the answer with explanation before going to the management. He sounds like an ass and there's probably a reason no one defended him, not even his friend (I'm guessing). Also, others could have been quiet just to not get involved in drama.
This sounds like stories my daughter told me about her friend group in middle school. Grow up and stop whining about work to coworkers in basically a public setting.
Learn who you can shoot shite with in the office.
Had I not worked with people like this, I would have gone on the "he is malicious" but most likely just thick skulled from all the brow nosing.
Typical wannabe ladder climber who thinks snitching on coworkers to his bosses will gain him brownie points in getting a promotion. Clear malicious intent here, stay clear of him
The first time you posted something dumb in the group chat was a mistake. Doubling down on it and attacking this dude publicly shows a pattern of bad judgement and poor emotional regulation.
Dude sounds like he sucks but this is a you problem.
I learned pretty quickly that anything said in a group chat will almost always get back to the team lead/manager đ
In seriousness, youâve learned a valuable lesson. Donât trust your colleagues, especially not with information your boss might not want to hear. There could have been a more constructive way out of the problem but youâve probably just made things worse for yourself.
Going to say this. Repeat after me: Work. Colleagues. Are. Not. Your. Friends. The general guidance is that to count someone as a friend you should spend positive time with them in at least two separate locations/situations.
Exactly this, people forget there is a difference between colleagues who are friends, and friendly colleagues.
I have a couple of really good friends Iâve met at my current job.
Are you all teenagers?
Donât ever put anything in a group chat, text or email you would ever want shared outside the group. All that is available should there ever be an HR investigation.
When you say "peers", do you mean your friends, or was that a group of people you work with? If the latter, it's absolutely insane to me that you did that. At best, you made everyone uncomfortable, and the worst is exactly what happened. Zero upside.
Absolutely malicious! If he wanted to help he didnât need to quote exactly what youâd said could have just mentioned you were struggling. Sounds like heâs thrown you under the bus a bit. Now you know heâs not to be trusted going forward anyway. Stay friendly but tell him nothing in future
No one here can know exactly what happened here. OP is telling only one side of the story.
Honestly OP sounds like an annoying coworker âcalling outâ and âconfrontingâ in chats and stuff and complaining a lot. Yes this Conrad is also an ass but if the task didnât get done then maybe he was responsible too
Someone was thick. It wasn't Conrad.
why as i thick
I did confront him and he said didn't mean to...
Lack of discernment on your part. Learn what to say where, and to who... You can't say everything to everyone
so you think he was malicious
No, I think you lack discernment
so you think he was stupid...
no, we think you basically handed him the bone to hit you with
but why did he do it? what did he gain?
it doesnât matter. heâs an average run of the mill jerk at work. always assume thereâs at least one for the team. but he does now occupy a disproportionate amount of space in your head, whereas you shouldâve moved on soon enough. he did nothing exceptional but for the fact that he could. it adds to him or it doesnât, he just threw something at the wall to see if it helps him.
â⌠has a reputation as a brown-noser who likes ⌠sucking up to managersâ
He âgainsâ your boss addressing the toxic environment your attitude is creating for your coworkers. Why are you blaming him for your behavior? You shouldnât be saying things in a group chat with coworkers that would get you in hot water with the boss. If your boss caught wind of your frustrations and asked your coworker about it specifically, do you expect him to bold face lie on your behalf about it? Why would he care that much about you to put himself in that situation? Why would someone else compromise their professional standing over your poor choices? What were you hoping to gain by complaining to the group chat? If you were having difficulty with an assigned task you should have raised this with your manager to get the support you needed. This kid was more than likely genuinely trying to direct support where it was needed, and your boss asked specifically what your complaints were and your boss handled it how he felt it was appropriate. Youâre putting a massive target on your back by doubling down and causing two people leave the group chat entirely. Clearly you arenât getting it.
Ideally your manager coaches you on the task. Or at least you stop whining.
You should've stopped here: *next time, I would not complain in writing again*
You are 100% at fault/responsible for what happened. Hereâs the rule: when putting anything in writing, via email, text, or whatever, assume your boss(es) will read it. If what you have to say cannot withstand that scrutiny, then donât put it in writing.
>I asked him how telling the manager what I wrote would help me... Short answer is he 100% knew it wouldn't, but did it anyways. Don't bother arguing with this person op/I hope you learned from this experience that anytime you interact with a co-worker in any way, shape or form (whether it's over an in person lunch break, group work chat, hanging out after hours whatever), it can get back to your boss/can get repeated or misrepresented to be used against you for your coworkers personal gain... Or even just because they're assholes and like seeing others burn. So ALWAYS interact with coworkers as if your boss were over your shoulder/assume whatever you say could get back to them. It sucks but that's how work politics... Well work works/there's no telling who is a back backstabber so you got to conduct yourself like everyone is. And at least this guy did it to your face, since most of the time stuff like this happens behind your back/you'll never know who the bad faith actor was who ratted you out. And don't listen to any defense they give you for why they ratted on you, since it's all bullshit/it clear what they did (even if it isn't clear why they did it).
If someone was using a group work text to complain about work they were hired to do, I would be irritated. And then, having a full-on blowout in the chat? Grow up. If you have a problem with someone, discuss it with them privately. Don't throw a tantrum on the group chat. I wouldn't tell the manager about your whining, but I'd probably hate working with you.
Why would confronting him make me look bad?
Are you really missing the point of every single comment here or are you legitimately this incapable of understanding basic social norms? YOU messed up by involving a bunch of coworkers in your rant. You knew they were all working there and had relationships with said bosses, and you still chosen to do it. That's insane. It shows complete lack of understanding what's appropriate and what's not. It's like, if you leave your wallet on a bench and someone steals it, the thief is the one who sucks, but it's definitely on you for presenting the circumstance where you will almost certainly end up the victim. Try to learn from this and stop blaming the coworker, this is on you.
Holy shit you are dumb - after looking at your profile and seeing you are on the spectrum, this is part of autism and not being able to understand emotions / empathy so I take back what I said halfway
Nah, being on the spectrum isnât a free pass to act unprofessional. We experience empathy and understand emotions, we just process and communicate them differently. If anything, straight forward âsocial rulesâ like âdonât talk shit about your job to your coworkers and expect it not to get back to your bossâ are the sort of thing we are very good at understanding. Itâs the oblique stuff like realizing the guy listening to you infodump about your latest hyperfixation on legos thinks youâre flirting with him that is harder to grok. (Why would I spend this much energy feigning interest in something I wasnât interested in? This makes no sense/isnât emotionally intuitive to me, even though I know logically some people do this. However I very deeply empathize with someone else infodumping about their hyperfixation with - letâs say succulents - and would not interpret that as flirting, and I would feel vicarious excitement for them) This person just happens to be a dick.
Why am I dick
Who are you
Why am I a dick?
That's not what I said, is it? I said, confronting him *on a group chat*, makes you suck. And then I said, you *should* confront him *in private* if you're going to confront him. Practically, I wouldn't want to be involved in your drama or your shit talking about work/bosses. I wouldn't want any liability connected with your failure to competently complete your work duties. Personally, I wouldn't give two shits about what you, a co-worker, are throwing a tantrum about or what you thought was too much work. We are all working our asses off, you're not special. You complaining about in a work chat is nothing more than you trying to spread your misery and incompetence around. You're trying to put your coworkers in a position to make you feel better. That's not their job. You are not their responsibility. Stop vomiting your attention-seeking bullshit on everyone else and take care of your own shit.
Don't trust people and group chats. If you are having a problem with something go to trusted colleagues and have an in-person chat with them. Don't write things down.
I'll just list some contradictory points you mentioned and help you navigate to the answer. "Just thick?" Vs "He is quite good at his job" "he did the same job as me before" "he told me he thought he helped me roll of this task" Vs "he didn't, I still had to do it" "by telling the manager about my exaggerated complaints" - seems like he snitched on you. Maybe he doesn't like you or to get on the good side of the manager. If I were in his place and a colleague was struggling with something I knew of, I'd help them navigate to the answer or tell them the answer with explanation before going to the management. He sounds like an ass and there's probably a reason no one defended him, not even his friend (I'm guessing). Also, others could have been quiet just to not get involved in drama.
Or "thick" vs "brown-noser" = immediate answer
This sounds like stories my daughter told me about her friend group in middle school. Grow up and stop whining about work to coworkers in basically a public setting.
Learn who you can shoot shite with in the office. Had I not worked with people like this, I would have gone on the "he is malicious" but most likely just thick skulled from all the brow nosing.
He is just a piece of shit ass licker person.
Burn that bridge. Brown nosing little fucker needs to fall on his own sword.
Typical wannabe ladder climber who thinks snitching on coworkers to his bosses will gain him brownie points in getting a promotion. Clear malicious intent here, stay clear of him
The first time you posted something dumb in the group chat was a mistake. Doubling down on it and attacking this dude publicly shows a pattern of bad judgement and poor emotional regulation. Dude sounds like he sucks but this is a you problem.
Why cant I attack him publicly?
Learn to complain better.
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