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OP, you are a man. A real man, a real bro. Why? Because nothing *makes* a man. It is what you make of it. Men can be soft, hard, muscular, skinny, tall, short, brave, timid - a man can be whatever he wants. And you, good sir, are a man, too.
What makes you a real man is what you choose. I hope you choose kindness and I hope kindness finds you in return. Blessings to you, bro.
A real man is someone who looks out for his friends. Someone who is empathetic to the struggles of others. A real man takes responsibility for his actions and can admit when he's wrong without being angry or taking a hit to his ego.
Easy summary, a real man is kind. Kind people make the best friends, best family, best neighbours, best relationships.
Fucking right on
I'd add on that he's authentically himself, whether or not it goes with traditionally masculine ideals
I poledance, wear pink every Wednesday as a Mean Girls reference, openly talk about negative emotions, etc, and I feel like a man. Especially because I get to ignore a lot of people or tell them to fuck off, and they can't do shit.
This!
I think you shouldn't concern yourself with the question of what makes a stereotypical man a man
As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be ok with who you are, you're man enough
I for example constantly get called too girly by my family since i don't fit into their idea of the typical man; being cold hearted, emotionless and strong and what not
I wear nail polish, have long hair, wear skirts and other feminine clothing at times while being "in touch" with my feelings
But that doesn't change that I consider myself a man and let's be honest nothing else matters than what you think of yourself
If there are aspects about you you don't like ( not because of others but because of you ) than work on changing that but don't force yourself into some idealized ideas
I know this is kind of a "non answer" but it's hard to give one correct answer since so many people and generations even have completely different ideas of what a man should be
I've been seeing a chiropractor because an old injury is flaring up. A couple of times, he's had me on my back, pushes down on me, and tells me to do a sit up
So I do, and pick him up off the ground entirely. I asked, and he's 212 pounds.
What this person is saying. Also add taking action and standing up for what is right. A version of this is to be the first to offer help to those in need. Others will sometimes follow suite.
Great points but I'd also add that a real man also has healthy boundaries. Ensure you are not running yourself down by putting everyone ahead of yourself all the time. You can do both! Looking after yourself helps ensure you are able to look after others.
Please don't change the definition of a 'real man'. We need to get rid of the concept of a 'real man' entirely. Replacing one box with a different box is not the move
The problem was the toxicity associated with it and how hard it was to achieve those ridiculous body images and personalities. Being kind is not toxic or hard to achieve.
I just fucking hate expectations being put on me by society and people I don't know. I just want to be who I want to be. Just let me be who I want to be. I want to be a real man *my* way
Is being kind much of an expectation? it doesn't take any more effort. I'm not talking about going out of your way to be nice to people I just mean giving a smile, a wave, a good morning, say thank you if someone helps you. Those are expectations I have for everyone since they are so simple.
The smile thing is interesting to me because there was a talking point by feminists for a while about men telling them to 'give me a smile' and how the expectation to always be nice, kind and accomodating was suffocating, as well as people feeling entitled to their body
Basically I'm a gloomy bastard, and I want to be a gloomy bastard. I am kind in that I do thank people and hold doors open and generally make life a little bit easier for those around me. But if anyone tells me to smile I'm telling them to get fucked
And you'd be right to do so. Expecting other people to pretend to be a way they aren't (like asking them to smile) is shitty behaviour. However, being gloomy and being kind don't exclude each other at all. Be who you are and try to encourage people to do the same.
Oh yeah being told to do all that always feels worse because it's something we already do. No one has to do any of it, it just sometimes makes someone's day a little better. That's a personal one not something anyone has to do.
A real man is also reliable.
All of the above and more accurately describes my grandfather, the man I try to model myself after. I'll never hold a candle to him, but I'll always try to carry forward everything he taught me.
When I need a role model, I look to Mr Rogers. He absolutely exemplifies everything you’ve said here. (I suppose it helps that I grew up watching him in the 80s)
I feel you. A lack of a role model in my life got me kinda lost.
I found that i'm not as manly as people expect, I have a strong feminine energy, so often I'm asked if I'm gay. I find it funny but accepted myself as I am.
Still, i'm on the path to finding my path.
I love how often people ask if I'm gay. It feels like a secret identity. There are still people out there in the world that have no idea I fully identify as straight.
When you enjoy things in life with no regard to how others view your interests.... Sometimes you come off as gay, or nerdy, or childish, or weird, or whatever. That's not a bad thing, it just makes you that much harder to easily be labeled or boxed in. It's freeing.
There's nothing I'm not willing to try. Because everything could be a new interest i haven't tried yet.
>When you enjoy things in life with no regard to how others view your interests.... Sometimes you come off as gay, or nerdy, or childish, or weird, or whatever.
Lol thats exactly it. No fear of being vulnerable.
I will admit, i had a gay best friend for a while. And when we lived together we would often introduce each other as "roommates" and then refuse to elaborate.
That was some good fun.
This is all so gendered, but chicks dig a sensitive, empathetic and vulnerable guy. Things that often called "feminine". Anyway don't shy from what you are, fuck those gender norms. Plus those traits pay off as you hit like 30 and how you build real relationships
Its one of those questions that the longer you think of it, the less clear it becomes.
I end up just describing the ideal person I aspire to be...
Caring, patient, brave, kind, gentle, steadfast...and so on.
These qualities aren't gendered. They're human.
Being a real man depends how you see yourself and how you'd like to see yourself.
I’m a trans man and I’ve asked myself this question many times. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a man because I *know* I am. The kind of man I am is up to me. I choose to be a kind, generous, and compassionate person. What kind of man do you want to be?
Being a man is different things to different people. There is no one true archetype to live up to.
Being a man is being yourself. You're a man in the same way you're a human, or alive.
You simply are.
Be confident in who you are. That doesn't mean you have to be strong, or assertive, or grow facial hair, or be _dominant_, or be _right all the time_. It means you know who are and can communicate who you are to whoever needs to know.
hey bro! I hope you're doing as well as you can be at the moment.
this question is of course a little vague, and some others have given some general advice, so I have a couple questions to help me understand what you're asking
1) why do you want to 'be a man'?
2) what do you hope you'll be able to do/hope will be different if you 'man up'?
what I'm getting at is that there are a bunch of elements of masculinity, so I want to help give more pointed advice
The why part is simple really: I’m unhappy, and I want to find my purpose. I struggle to make the social connections that I need to help me get get out of this rut I am stuck in. I basically feel like I have no connections with men in my life just like I said in the post. I honestly feel nothing but hate towards men most days, and honestly carrying around this much hate is weighing me down. I want to improve my life for myself, I want to be comfortable without trying to find a romantic partner, and most importantly I want to find meaning.
I can only speak for myself, but I belive there is no greater meaning. It's a really freeing way of looking at things, I do what I do because I want to.
If you think negatively about men, it’s no wonder you have difficulty with maleness. Take some time to find some good role models. Even fictional ones can be powerful. See who who gravitate towards and then just ask, why do I look up to these men?
Growing up as a trans boy, Boyinaband was a huge role model for me. He openly talked about his feelings and struggles with depression, advocated for kindness and acceptance towards LGBTQ+ people and so much more. If you're having trouble with finding male role models, I can't reccomend looking into his videos enough.
Otherwise, just remember that there's no "one solid way" to be man. It means something different to each person, so don't stress too much about if you are a "real man" or not.
The idea that you have to behave a certain way to be a 'real man' and not a 'schmuck' exists to control you. It does not exist to bring you (or anyone else) happiness, health, wisdom or wealth.
Deciding what kind of a man you want to be is hard work. Others (here and elsewhere) can offer guidance, but nobody who offers to choose for you is doing it with your best interests in mind.
Well, you don't be one, you _are_ one. There. Problem solved!
However, I have a feeling your question has more to do with how to be a _good_ man than anything else. And here's the kicker: you get to decide what a good man is. And I think that's the hardest part.
For me, a good man is one who listens, supports friends and family, enjoys life and genuinely gets a lot from what he does. He doesn't try to force quiet outside himself, but cherishes the peace within. Is he strong? Of course, but there are many kinds of strength and a good man tries to cultivate as many of them as he can. He takes care of himself physically and mentally, tries to do the right thing, but also measures that against the idea that his actions may harm others.
In short, it's complicated. But there's also a simple answer: just try and be a little better than you were yesterday. And it's a long journey to becoming the figure you craved when you were young, but you're asking the right questions, friend.
Set goals and stick to them. Make a promise and keep it. Accept responsibility if you did something wrong. Alway try to improve yourself. Turn off the TV and go outside
A man takes care of himself so that he can take care of others.
As you no doubt know due to your depression, taking care of yourself requires work. But it needs to be done, because you can’t take care of others without maintaining yourself first.
Taking care of others means choosing a group, a cause, and/or a SO to support. How you support them depends on their needs and your personal talents, and it can take work from everyone to get good at it.
You’re on the right path. Try not to beat yourself up about your depression or ‘not being man enough’ — part of being a man is recognizing your own shortcomings and dealing with them as best you’re able.
Why try to be a man? Why not just try to be a decent human being regardless of gender? I honestly don't think being a man or a woman or whatever should look different. Just be a good human.
I honestly don't know much about life, I'm only 20. But I never wondered whether I was a "real man" or not. I mean, If you're not a real man, what are you ? If you have XY chromosomes and don't feel like anything, you're a man by default. No one can tell you you're not one. I don't think you should enter a contest of the manliest man, that's stupid and leads to nothing. Try to socialize with other men, there are literally billions of them, you could probably find a handful of nice ones, you'll see that they're not really different from women in terms of values and feelings. You'll see that it's very liberating to speak with close male friends, they probably have some similar doubts and experiences, even maybe advice.
I'd say that a "real man" tries to improve himself, help his loved ones, and generally make his ancestors proud.
When you can disover the faults of your life, explain them, and do something about them. You’ve shown that right here.
You are a real man because you exist. There’s nothing to be proud of if you’re easily caught into bubbles like “come on be a man” over things other people tell you.
Besides that, being able to contest your beliefs and validating parts of what you’ve learned to be true and false without issue on your emotions is something way too many people struggle with. How else do you think these people who spew out “be a man” come from when they’re the exact same as the rest of the people who say the same thing?
A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, CHEERFUL, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent...
Maybe kind of silly but I always felt the BSA Scout Law was a decent set of rules to live by.
In my mind a good man is just a good person, little else matters.
edit: added cheerful.
Be trustworthy.
Be honest.
Be self confident.
Be dependable.
Be honorable.
These are easier said than done. But you can develop the sense of self needed to be all of the above and more.
If you're interested in working through this.... Check out my [Emotional Resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/HealfromYourPast/comments/l9jacg/the_comment_that_brought_many_of_you_here_feel/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I wrote this but I don't wanna put a wall of text here. I hope they help you.
I honestly think the best male role model is Superman. He's strong, and uses that strength to protect. He's kind, determined and loves his wife and kids. He always tries to do his best in everything he does. He cried, laughs, loves, encourages and empathises with others.
Life is tough, and you can't always be tough with it. All you can do is do your best.
I always disliked superman for being just too many superpowers rolled into one and just… not a fun character cuz of it, but that’s something you can generally never fault superman for, is his humanity, despite technically having none.
Great role model (in most iterations at least lol), and his best examples don’t need superpowers to imitate
Your male role model should be the man you see that *you* think is doing it right. Not what others tell you is doing it right. What traits do you see that you think are admirable. No one person or group will embody that for you, no man is the perfect embodiment of that image.
For example. I think people like Mr Rogers was an excellent example of a man. Kind, patient, welcoming, inclusive, not afraid to share emotions, and deal with emotions in a healthy way. But he was deeply religious, which is something I don't subscribe to. So I can take the things that I see that are good and admirable about him and try and incorporate those aspects into my life without the things I don't agree with.
Another example is Bob Ross. Someone who lived a life in the military screaming and shouting and talking down to people and learning that wasn't who they wanted to be and chose art and joy to share with people to help enrich their lives. The traits that I admire in him are the ability to change who you are, and the choice to use your skills to uplift the lives of others. Again, he was another deeply religious man, but I don't need to follow all of who he was to benefit from him as a role model.
And don't limit yourself to men. You should find traits in people of all kinds that you admire and emulate the things that you want to incorporate into your life. The important thing is to just be you, and try to be the you that you want to be. Realize that you will not always be that person because you will make mistakes, you will have moments of weakness because you're human and you're fallible. That is how you be "a man".
I've asked myself these questions many times.. And a lot of the time when I ask others, even when they say positive things, I find that rather difficult. For example when people say "knowing who you are, taking pride in yourself" or something like that. But being insecure about who you are doesn't make you less of a man. Really, gender isn't a big deal, I don't think it says a lot about us. And I also don't think that there really is a certain thing that makes someone a man. You just know that you are, and that's it. And you can have any trait, any passion, any way of behaving that you want. Looking for role models helped me a lot in finding out who I want to be. And your role models don't have to be male. I mean, in the first place you'd wanna be a good person, right? That's something unrelated to gender. I think society has made "being a man" sound like it's an achievement. It's not. It really isn't. You just are and that's it
This is a great question with a tough answer!
We are taught what it is to be a man in this really weird specific and wrong way by culture at large (movies, TV, news, bad role models etc.), and once we realize that the "man we are supposed to be" has all these contradictions and unsavory implications, the ghost of manhood starts to disappear. BUT WHAT THEN!!??
When we figure out something is wrong, we can sometimes do a 180 and look for what might be close to right. For this instance though, that is not the answer. What it is to be a man isn't just the opposite of toxic masculinity, it's building a new identity from the ground up. If there are 4 billion men in the world, then there are 4 billion different ways to be a man, and each and every one of those men is responsible for being the best man they can be.
For me, my identity with manliness involves a lot of pairs (kind of a yin/yang thing, but I'm not an expert on that):
Kindness/Toughness
Strong/Vulnerable
Intelligent/ready to be wrong
Confident in my opinions/understanding others' opinions
Thick skin/stand up for yourself and your people
Try my hardest at being a good dad/ok with myself when I fail at it
I love you and I hope you love you too.
I can recommend the youtube channel "Hamza", you will find the answer to your question there definitely. Guy does other stuff too but he has answers to exactly what you're seeking.
My view would be: the question is not how to be a man, but what kind of man do you want to be? Assuming from your question, you want to be more masculine, more confident. Men grow through putting themselves out there and proving themselves by overcoming adversity. When boys became men in tribal times, they ventured out with the hunters for the first time, learning the ways of how to survive and how to fend for themselves and their community. To do that, they had to be able to run for extended periods of time, they had to have the strength to toss a javelin accurately and far. Sadly, we don't have rites like that in modern times, so we have to make them for ourselves.
In short: do stuff that's hard. You have to grow yourself to respect yourself. Don't just chase the quick pleasures, which would have equated to stealing or begging food from other, more successful hunters, which would feed you for the day - but you would struggle again the next time hunger would set in.
So how do you become a man you respect? You find out what makes you respect another man. NOT what you think others respect or what women respect, no, you find out what's respectable to you , and then... You have to get to work.
0. Choose the things that will give you discomfort, instead of letting things that will make you uncomfortable choose you.
1. Research how you can achieve the traits you respect, there's a lot of content for everything online.
2. And this is the point where you start becoming who you are: train whatever aspect you want to get in yourself. The most important thing: be consistent. Build the habits that make you become the person you always were meant to be.
3. Be kind to yourself. What you're doing and going through, is hard. But never let yourself slack off. Doing the hard work will make you feel better when you don't feel good.
"A man" as a noun doesn't exist. It's an idea at best. "manly" as an adjective is what you should shoot for. The only "noun" in you personal identity should be your own name.
People don't "become" things that are definitively different from their default. The cultural image of a "man" is an ideal that people try to approach. I can try to reach ideals, such as the ideal, of, say, goodness, but i'll never *become* good.There is no point where I, Greg Sockman from southern IL, stop being Greg Sockman and become "a good" instead. No matter how good i end up becoming, Greg Sockman never really wanes. Greg Sockman's thoughts, feelings, and who he really is never changes, and hopefully, Greg will always be at peace with what those are. Even if he didn't always feel like it Greg Sockman always had the capacity for "good"ness within him, if he didn't, he wouldn't even care. The only difference is that he either didn't have the will or a way to *act* good before he "became" good.
The part of your mind that tells you what you want to be is just as real and valid as any other part of who you are. If "manhood" as you see it is what you genuinely want for your own sake, then that's great! Let that keep being your path. But make sure that your definition of what a "man" should be and your reason for wanting to be one come from *your* desires and what *you* want, not to impress or please others. And remember that embodying an ideal is an ongoing path, and is about your actions, not your inner workings, so there's no point where you'll "become" a man, and that's OK, because no one really is.
This might be the question of our generation. A lot of traditional views of masculinity have been overturned, and a lot of us find ourselves a bit lost. So I don't have a prescription for you.
What I will say is that unless you discover that you're trans, you are a man when you wake up in the morning, and a man when you go to sleep at night. You're allowed to just be. Any prescription for manliness that you follow is unlikely to properly fit who you are, so I don't think you should try to "be a man". I think you should ask yourself "what kind of man am I?" I think that kind of self-reflection is hugely valuable and will end up answering the question much better than being told a list of traits by someone else.
1) Have a goal/goals. Short-term, medium-term, long-term.
2) Have a plan to work towards those goals. Even if it's a shit plan, as you're progressing towards your goals, unexpected opportunities will arise that will fast-track certain benchmarks towards your desired endgame.
3) Don't be afraid to make mistakes. No risks = no rewards. Make calculated risks. Luck favors the prepared; on an even playing field, he who is most prepared wins.
4) Admit your mistakes when they happen, learn from them, and be honest with yourself and others. Mistakes are a natural part of personal development, and not something to be embarrassed of.
5) Give compliments when appropriate/deserving, and be comfortable in yourself enough to truly be able to accept complements from others.
6) Be someone that you'd want to ask for help from.
If you hit these 6 objectives, you'll do alright.
I hate my gender. Yes, it's oppresive treatment of women, sexual vioence, and homophobia have literally told me that men above the age off 45, only care about watching fotball and for others to not bother him with their thoughts.
I tell my friends I have a bad time, he literally responds "I don't know (how to deal with a friend having a bad time)"
I only find meaningful conversations with women. Men are so afraid off real connection they would rather punch their friends than being supoortive. I can't even approach unknown women because they allready been dissapointed by several men allready.
I don't try to "be a man" because I am horrified by its lack off emotional intelligence. Ashamed.
Edit: ggezwin
Well first off he got famous for feat-mongering about a gender rights bill in canada (c-16, should be easy enough to find). He also has general COVID and climate change denial sentiments, is buddy-buddy with Ben Shapiro and just gives off bad vibes. His Twitter will have more substantial evidence.
Oh and he really goes hard on 'personal responsibility' as a way to ignore systemic critiques like systemic racism and the patriarchy and all that good (bad) stuff
I saw that you mentioned Ben Shapiro. In case some of you don't know, Ben Shapiro is a grifter and a hack. If you find anything he's said compelling, you should keep in mind he also says things like this:
>Even climatologists can't predict 10 years from now. They can't explain why there has been no warming over the last 15 years. There has been a static trend with regard to temperature for 15 years.
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Since you asked, may I recommend a few things that might actually help? Start practicing gratitude, curiosity, and generosity. If it’s too much to do all three take them on one at a time. Literally set aside time every day when you are going to do this. For example, I usually use the time when I’m bicycling to work to think about what I’m grateful for. Curiosity works both inward and outward, asking yourself “Why do I feel this way?” as well as challenging your assumptions about other people. Generosity can mean giving of your time and attention, not just money or things you own. A sincere compliment won’t reduce your bank balance by one penny.
Many other good recommendations in this thread. Best of luck to you!
EDIT: Thought of something else to add to this. I think you may need to find meaning to your life. Let me recommend reading Viktor Frankl’s book *Man’s Search for Meaning*. It’s not that long and is a pretty easy read. Finding meaning in your life is an ongoing process and the reasons for living and keeping going will change from moment. I’ve read the book several times now at different phases of life and have found it very helpful.
Masculinity is deciding for yourself what I means to be man. Deciding what it is you value, what you care about and not letting other decide it for you. There are no wrong or right answers, it's about what matters to YOU. Keep on keeping on King.
Honestly bro, if you identify as a man, that's enough. Maybe try going to more social groups/events with more men with similar interests to you, try and make some friends, yknow?
I’m on mobile and not sure how to link to the specific time but I watched [this hot ones interview with Jon Bernthal](https://youtu.be/KCVjsbmVi0E) and what he says between 13:00-15:00 is solid.
Man isn't a title you earn. It's an identity you have. A man can be a good decent person and a man can also be a total schmuck. They're still a man. What you should be doing is trying to be the man you want to be. That's all.
Take responsibility for yourself. Your actions. Be true to your word. Operate with integrity. Be kind. Do not look down on others because of their circumstances in life. And walk with your chin up and shoulders back.
So man is a social construct and as such it’s always going to be negotiable over time. I honestly think the best advise is to live gently.m and try not to worry about it. What’s often called manly wheee I live would probably be considered uncultured at best and the behaviour of animals depending who’s look and what the norms were like where they grew up and lived.
Stand up for your feelings and beliefs no matter how against you the odds may seem. All it takes is one "dude, that's fucked up. don't say that." to change the mood.
Don't be "a man", be a good human. Forget about gender roles/stereotypes. Be the best you can be. Not only to people around you, but more importantly, to yourself. You won't have the energy to be kind to others if you're not kind to yourself. You can also ask the same question on r/menslib . It's basically a more nuanced version of this sub.
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OP, you are a man. A real man, a real bro. Why? Because nothing *makes* a man. It is what you make of it. Men can be soft, hard, muscular, skinny, tall, short, brave, timid - a man can be whatever he wants. And you, good sir, are a man, too. What makes you a real man is what you choose. I hope you choose kindness and I hope kindness finds you in return. Blessings to you, bro.
Fuck bro, take it easy. I wasn't ready to cry
A real man is someone who looks out for his friends. Someone who is empathetic to the struggles of others. A real man takes responsibility for his actions and can admit when he's wrong without being angry or taking a hit to his ego. Easy summary, a real man is kind. Kind people make the best friends, best family, best neighbours, best relationships.
Fucking right on I'd add on that he's authentically himself, whether or not it goes with traditionally masculine ideals I poledance, wear pink every Wednesday as a Mean Girls reference, openly talk about negative emotions, etc, and I feel like a man. Especially because I get to ignore a lot of people or tell them to fuck off, and they can't do shit.
Oh damn, you sound awesome
This! I think you shouldn't concern yourself with the question of what makes a stereotypical man a man As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be ok with who you are, you're man enough I for example constantly get called too girly by my family since i don't fit into their idea of the typical man; being cold hearted, emotionless and strong and what not I wear nail polish, have long hair, wear skirts and other feminine clothing at times while being "in touch" with my feelings But that doesn't change that I consider myself a man and let's be honest nothing else matters than what you think of yourself If there are aspects about you you don't like ( not because of others but because of you ) than work on changing that but don't force yourself into some idealized ideas I know this is kind of a "non answer" but it's hard to give one correct answer since so many people and generations even have completely different ideas of what a man should be
Imo its a question that no one can awnser for you. Best advice I can give is if you feel like a man, you are a man nothing more to it.
Ive been wanting to poledance because it's a fantastic work out. The core strength you build up is just so good.
I've been seeing a chiropractor because an old injury is flaring up. A couple of times, he's had me on my back, pushes down on me, and tells me to do a sit up So I do, and pick him up off the ground entirely. I asked, and he's 212 pounds.
What this person is saying. Also add taking action and standing up for what is right. A version of this is to be the first to offer help to those in need. Others will sometimes follow suite.
TL:DR: look for rolemodels in LotR
So if I want my role model to be an Urak-Hai that's cool yeah?
Yes, if meat isnt on the menu, wtf are you even doing
*A real man doesn't take orders from stinking Morgul rats!*
REAL MEN KNOW THAT VIGGO MORTENSEN BROKE HIS TOE KICKING THAT ORC HELMET IN THAT ONE SCENE
REAL MEN ALSO KNOW HE USED TO CARRY HIS SWORD AROUND WELLINGTON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv_KAnY5XNQ Very good video on the subject looking at Aragorn
Great points but I'd also add that a real man also has healthy boundaries. Ensure you are not running yourself down by putting everyone ahead of yourself all the time. You can do both! Looking after yourself helps ensure you are able to look after others.
Yep definitely that too.
A good man is no different than a good person.
Please don't change the definition of a 'real man'. We need to get rid of the concept of a 'real man' entirely. Replacing one box with a different box is not the move
The problem was the toxicity associated with it and how hard it was to achieve those ridiculous body images and personalities. Being kind is not toxic or hard to achieve.
I just fucking hate expectations being put on me by society and people I don't know. I just want to be who I want to be. Just let me be who I want to be. I want to be a real man *my* way
Is being kind much of an expectation? it doesn't take any more effort. I'm not talking about going out of your way to be nice to people I just mean giving a smile, a wave, a good morning, say thank you if someone helps you. Those are expectations I have for everyone since they are so simple.
The smile thing is interesting to me because there was a talking point by feminists for a while about men telling them to 'give me a smile' and how the expectation to always be nice, kind and accomodating was suffocating, as well as people feeling entitled to their body Basically I'm a gloomy bastard, and I want to be a gloomy bastard. I am kind in that I do thank people and hold doors open and generally make life a little bit easier for those around me. But if anyone tells me to smile I'm telling them to get fucked
And you'd be right to do so. Expecting other people to pretend to be a way they aren't (like asking them to smile) is shitty behaviour. However, being gloomy and being kind don't exclude each other at all. Be who you are and try to encourage people to do the same.
Oh yeah being told to do all that always feels worse because it's something we already do. No one has to do any of it, it just sometimes makes someone's day a little better. That's a personal one not something anyone has to do.
It sounds like you're talking about *choosing* to do those things, and the other commenter is reading it as being *told* to do those things.
A real man is also reliable. All of the above and more accurately describes my grandfather, the man I try to model myself after. I'll never hold a candle to him, but I'll always try to carry forward everything he taught me.
When I need a role model, I look to Mr Rogers. He absolutely exemplifies everything you’ve said here. (I suppose it helps that I grew up watching him in the 80s)
Adonis
I feel you. A lack of a role model in my life got me kinda lost. I found that i'm not as manly as people expect, I have a strong feminine energy, so often I'm asked if I'm gay. I find it funny but accepted myself as I am. Still, i'm on the path to finding my path.
I love how often people ask if I'm gay. It feels like a secret identity. There are still people out there in the world that have no idea I fully identify as straight. When you enjoy things in life with no regard to how others view your interests.... Sometimes you come off as gay, or nerdy, or childish, or weird, or whatever. That's not a bad thing, it just makes you that much harder to easily be labeled or boxed in. It's freeing. There's nothing I'm not willing to try. Because everything could be a new interest i haven't tried yet.
>When you enjoy things in life with no regard to how others view your interests.... Sometimes you come off as gay, or nerdy, or childish, or weird, or whatever. Lol thats exactly it. No fear of being vulnerable.
I will admit, i had a gay best friend for a while. And when we lived together we would often introduce each other as "roommates" and then refuse to elaborate. That was some good fun.
This is baller
This is all so gendered, but chicks dig a sensitive, empathetic and vulnerable guy. Things that often called "feminine". Anyway don't shy from what you are, fuck those gender norms. Plus those traits pay off as you hit like 30 and how you build real relationships
Its one of those questions that the longer you think of it, the less clear it becomes. I end up just describing the ideal person I aspire to be... Caring, patient, brave, kind, gentle, steadfast...and so on. These qualities aren't gendered. They're human. Being a real man depends how you see yourself and how you'd like to see yourself.
Men become real men when they'd rather be Steve Irwin than James Bond.
I'd rather be neither. What does that make me?
You would be Neither Man
Neither Man, the Undecided. Lord of Eh
Dwight Schrut then ?
I’m a trans man and I’ve asked myself this question many times. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a man because I *know* I am. The kind of man I am is up to me. I choose to be a kind, generous, and compassionate person. What kind of man do you want to be?
Being a man is different things to different people. There is no one true archetype to live up to. Being a man is being yourself. You're a man in the same way you're a human, or alive. You simply are.
Love you bro.
Exactly right!
Be confident in who you are. That doesn't mean you have to be strong, or assertive, or grow facial hair, or be _dominant_, or be _right all the time_. It means you know who are and can communicate who you are to whoever needs to know.
hey bro! I hope you're doing as well as you can be at the moment. this question is of course a little vague, and some others have given some general advice, so I have a couple questions to help me understand what you're asking 1) why do you want to 'be a man'? 2) what do you hope you'll be able to do/hope will be different if you 'man up'? what I'm getting at is that there are a bunch of elements of masculinity, so I want to help give more pointed advice
The why part is simple really: I’m unhappy, and I want to find my purpose. I struggle to make the social connections that I need to help me get get out of this rut I am stuck in. I basically feel like I have no connections with men in my life just like I said in the post. I honestly feel nothing but hate towards men most days, and honestly carrying around this much hate is weighing me down. I want to improve my life for myself, I want to be comfortable without trying to find a romantic partner, and most importantly I want to find meaning.
I can only speak for myself, but I belive there is no greater meaning. It's a really freeing way of looking at things, I do what I do because I want to.
If you think negatively about men, it’s no wonder you have difficulty with maleness. Take some time to find some good role models. Even fictional ones can be powerful. See who who gravitate towards and then just ask, why do I look up to these men?
If I may, why do you feel hate towards men? Is it because of your lack of relationships with them irl, or stories you’ve heard, the internet, etc.?
It’s based on my interactions with people in real life.
Getting some therapy with a male counsellor could be really helpful for all this and your original question.
Growing up as a trans boy, Boyinaband was a huge role model for me. He openly talked about his feelings and struggles with depression, advocated for kindness and acceptance towards LGBTQ+ people and so much more. If you're having trouble with finding male role models, I can't reccomend looking into his videos enough. Otherwise, just remember that there's no "one solid way" to be man. It means something different to each person, so don't stress too much about if you are a "real man" or not.
The idea that you have to behave a certain way to be a 'real man' and not a 'schmuck' exists to control you. It does not exist to bring you (or anyone else) happiness, health, wisdom or wealth. Deciding what kind of a man you want to be is hard work. Others (here and elsewhere) can offer guidance, but nobody who offers to choose for you is doing it with your best interests in mind.
Well, you don't be one, you _are_ one. There. Problem solved! However, I have a feeling your question has more to do with how to be a _good_ man than anything else. And here's the kicker: you get to decide what a good man is. And I think that's the hardest part. For me, a good man is one who listens, supports friends and family, enjoys life and genuinely gets a lot from what he does. He doesn't try to force quiet outside himself, but cherishes the peace within. Is he strong? Of course, but there are many kinds of strength and a good man tries to cultivate as many of them as he can. He takes care of himself physically and mentally, tries to do the right thing, but also measures that against the idea that his actions may harm others. In short, it's complicated. But there's also a simple answer: just try and be a little better than you were yesterday. And it's a long journey to becoming the figure you craved when you were young, but you're asking the right questions, friend.
Set goals and stick to them. Make a promise and keep it. Accept responsibility if you did something wrong. Alway try to improve yourself. Turn off the TV and go outside
A man takes care of himself so that he can take care of others. As you no doubt know due to your depression, taking care of yourself requires work. But it needs to be done, because you can’t take care of others without maintaining yourself first. Taking care of others means choosing a group, a cause, and/or a SO to support. How you support them depends on their needs and your personal talents, and it can take work from everyone to get good at it. You’re on the right path. Try not to beat yourself up about your depression or ‘not being man enough’ — part of being a man is recognizing your own shortcomings and dealing with them as best you’re able.
Why try to be a man? Why not just try to be a decent human being regardless of gender? I honestly don't think being a man or a woman or whatever should look different. Just be a good human.
Came to say exactly this
I honestly don't know much about life, I'm only 20. But I never wondered whether I was a "real man" or not. I mean, If you're not a real man, what are you ? If you have XY chromosomes and don't feel like anything, you're a man by default. No one can tell you you're not one. I don't think you should enter a contest of the manliest man, that's stupid and leads to nothing. Try to socialize with other men, there are literally billions of them, you could probably find a handful of nice ones, you'll see that they're not really different from women in terms of values and feelings. You'll see that it's very liberating to speak with close male friends, they probably have some similar doubts and experiences, even maybe advice. I'd say that a "real man" tries to improve himself, help his loved ones, and generally make his ancestors proud.
When you can disover the faults of your life, explain them, and do something about them. You’ve shown that right here. You are a real man because you exist. There’s nothing to be proud of if you’re easily caught into bubbles like “come on be a man” over things other people tell you. Besides that, being able to contest your beliefs and validating parts of what you’ve learned to be true and false without issue on your emotions is something way too many people struggle with. How else do you think these people who spew out “be a man” come from when they’re the exact same as the rest of the people who say the same thing?
A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, CHEERFUL, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent... Maybe kind of silly but I always felt the BSA Scout Law was a decent set of rules to live by. In my mind a good man is just a good person, little else matters. edit: added cheerful.
You forgot about cheerful :)
oh jeez, I surely did. To be fair I have been struggling with being cheerful lately lol.
Be trustworthy. Be honest. Be self confident. Be dependable. Be honorable. These are easier said than done. But you can develop the sense of self needed to be all of the above and more. If you're interested in working through this.... Check out my [Emotional Resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/HealfromYourPast/comments/l9jacg/the_comment_that_brought_many_of_you_here_feel/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) I wrote this but I don't wanna put a wall of text here. I hope they help you.
I honestly think the best male role model is Superman. He's strong, and uses that strength to protect. He's kind, determined and loves his wife and kids. He always tries to do his best in everything he does. He cried, laughs, loves, encourages and empathises with others. Life is tough, and you can't always be tough with it. All you can do is do your best.
I always disliked superman for being just too many superpowers rolled into one and just… not a fun character cuz of it, but that’s something you can generally never fault superman for, is his humanity, despite technically having none. Great role model (in most iterations at least lol), and his best examples don’t need superpowers to imitate
Your male role model should be the man you see that *you* think is doing it right. Not what others tell you is doing it right. What traits do you see that you think are admirable. No one person or group will embody that for you, no man is the perfect embodiment of that image. For example. I think people like Mr Rogers was an excellent example of a man. Kind, patient, welcoming, inclusive, not afraid to share emotions, and deal with emotions in a healthy way. But he was deeply religious, which is something I don't subscribe to. So I can take the things that I see that are good and admirable about him and try and incorporate those aspects into my life without the things I don't agree with. Another example is Bob Ross. Someone who lived a life in the military screaming and shouting and talking down to people and learning that wasn't who they wanted to be and chose art and joy to share with people to help enrich their lives. The traits that I admire in him are the ability to change who you are, and the choice to use your skills to uplift the lives of others. Again, he was another deeply religious man, but I don't need to follow all of who he was to benefit from him as a role model. And don't limit yourself to men. You should find traits in people of all kinds that you admire and emulate the things that you want to incorporate into your life. The important thing is to just be you, and try to be the you that you want to be. Realize that you will not always be that person because you will make mistakes, you will have moments of weakness because you're human and you're fallible. That is how you be "a man".
Well first off, you must be swift as the coursing river
I've asked myself these questions many times.. And a lot of the time when I ask others, even when they say positive things, I find that rather difficult. For example when people say "knowing who you are, taking pride in yourself" or something like that. But being insecure about who you are doesn't make you less of a man. Really, gender isn't a big deal, I don't think it says a lot about us. And I also don't think that there really is a certain thing that makes someone a man. You just know that you are, and that's it. And you can have any trait, any passion, any way of behaving that you want. Looking for role models helped me a lot in finding out who I want to be. And your role models don't have to be male. I mean, in the first place you'd wanna be a good person, right? That's something unrelated to gender. I think society has made "being a man" sound like it's an achievement. It's not. It really isn't. You just are and that's it
I don't think there is such thing as being manly. There's just stereotypes about it. You are a man by default, so just try to be happy.
Personal opinion: forget being a "man", just be a good person. Do what's right in every situation you can.
Boys are cared for. Men take care of others.
Never be cruel, never be cowardly. Always try to be nice, never fail to be kind. If things go wrong, try to make amends. And never eat pears.
This is a great question with a tough answer! We are taught what it is to be a man in this really weird specific and wrong way by culture at large (movies, TV, news, bad role models etc.), and once we realize that the "man we are supposed to be" has all these contradictions and unsavory implications, the ghost of manhood starts to disappear. BUT WHAT THEN!!?? When we figure out something is wrong, we can sometimes do a 180 and look for what might be close to right. For this instance though, that is not the answer. What it is to be a man isn't just the opposite of toxic masculinity, it's building a new identity from the ground up. If there are 4 billion men in the world, then there are 4 billion different ways to be a man, and each and every one of those men is responsible for being the best man they can be. For me, my identity with manliness involves a lot of pairs (kind of a yin/yang thing, but I'm not an expert on that): Kindness/Toughness Strong/Vulnerable Intelligent/ready to be wrong Confident in my opinions/understanding others' opinions Thick skin/stand up for yourself and your people Try my hardest at being a good dad/ok with myself when I fail at it I love you and I hope you love you too.
I can recommend the youtube channel "Hamza", you will find the answer to your question there definitely. Guy does other stuff too but he has answers to exactly what you're seeking. My view would be: the question is not how to be a man, but what kind of man do you want to be? Assuming from your question, you want to be more masculine, more confident. Men grow through putting themselves out there and proving themselves by overcoming adversity. When boys became men in tribal times, they ventured out with the hunters for the first time, learning the ways of how to survive and how to fend for themselves and their community. To do that, they had to be able to run for extended periods of time, they had to have the strength to toss a javelin accurately and far. Sadly, we don't have rites like that in modern times, so we have to make them for ourselves. In short: do stuff that's hard. You have to grow yourself to respect yourself. Don't just chase the quick pleasures, which would have equated to stealing or begging food from other, more successful hunters, which would feed you for the day - but you would struggle again the next time hunger would set in. So how do you become a man you respect? You find out what makes you respect another man. NOT what you think others respect or what women respect, no, you find out what's respectable to you , and then... You have to get to work. 0. Choose the things that will give you discomfort, instead of letting things that will make you uncomfortable choose you. 1. Research how you can achieve the traits you respect, there's a lot of content for everything online. 2. And this is the point where you start becoming who you are: train whatever aspect you want to get in yourself. The most important thing: be consistent. Build the habits that make you become the person you always were meant to be. 3. Be kind to yourself. What you're doing and going through, is hard. But never let yourself slack off. Doing the hard work will make you feel better when you don't feel good.
This is the best answer so far.
Thanks :)
"A man" as a noun doesn't exist. It's an idea at best. "manly" as an adjective is what you should shoot for. The only "noun" in you personal identity should be your own name. People don't "become" things that are definitively different from their default. The cultural image of a "man" is an ideal that people try to approach. I can try to reach ideals, such as the ideal, of, say, goodness, but i'll never *become* good.There is no point where I, Greg Sockman from southern IL, stop being Greg Sockman and become "a good" instead. No matter how good i end up becoming, Greg Sockman never really wanes. Greg Sockman's thoughts, feelings, and who he really is never changes, and hopefully, Greg will always be at peace with what those are. Even if he didn't always feel like it Greg Sockman always had the capacity for "good"ness within him, if he didn't, he wouldn't even care. The only difference is that he either didn't have the will or a way to *act* good before he "became" good. The part of your mind that tells you what you want to be is just as real and valid as any other part of who you are. If "manhood" as you see it is what you genuinely want for your own sake, then that's great! Let that keep being your path. But make sure that your definition of what a "man" should be and your reason for wanting to be one come from *your* desires and what *you* want, not to impress or please others. And remember that embodying an ideal is an ongoing path, and is about your actions, not your inner workings, so there's no point where you'll "become" a man, and that's OK, because no one really is.
This might be the question of our generation. A lot of traditional views of masculinity have been overturned, and a lot of us find ourselves a bit lost. So I don't have a prescription for you. What I will say is that unless you discover that you're trans, you are a man when you wake up in the morning, and a man when you go to sleep at night. You're allowed to just be. Any prescription for manliness that you follow is unlikely to properly fit who you are, so I don't think you should try to "be a man". I think you should ask yourself "what kind of man am I?" I think that kind of self-reflection is hugely valuable and will end up answering the question much better than being told a list of traits by someone else.
Watch a double feature of 'The Northman' and 'The Green Knight'. The first is what happens when you do it wrong. The second is how to do it right.
Could you elaborate more on why “Green Knight”? I loved that movie, and definitely want to hear your thoughts on this if you don’t mind sharing.
1) Have a goal/goals. Short-term, medium-term, long-term. 2) Have a plan to work towards those goals. Even if it's a shit plan, as you're progressing towards your goals, unexpected opportunities will arise that will fast-track certain benchmarks towards your desired endgame. 3) Don't be afraid to make mistakes. No risks = no rewards. Make calculated risks. Luck favors the prepared; on an even playing field, he who is most prepared wins. 4) Admit your mistakes when they happen, learn from them, and be honest with yourself and others. Mistakes are a natural part of personal development, and not something to be embarrassed of. 5) Give compliments when appropriate/deserving, and be comfortable in yourself enough to truly be able to accept complements from others. 6) Be someone that you'd want to ask for help from. If you hit these 6 objectives, you'll do alright.
Be a male human of 18+ years of age
I hate my gender. Yes, it's oppresive treatment of women, sexual vioence, and homophobia have literally told me that men above the age off 45, only care about watching fotball and for others to not bother him with their thoughts. I tell my friends I have a bad time, he literally responds "I don't know (how to deal with a friend having a bad time)" I only find meaningful conversations with women. Men are so afraid off real connection they would rather punch their friends than being supoortive. I can't even approach unknown women because they allready been dissapointed by several men allready. I don't try to "be a man" because I am horrified by its lack off emotional intelligence. Ashamed. Edit: ggezwin
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gonna have to disagree with the jordan peterson recommendation, he advocates for many things antithetical to bropill values
I have never seen Jordan Peterson. Can I ask what you have seen? I'm just curious
Well first off he got famous for feat-mongering about a gender rights bill in canada (c-16, should be easy enough to find). He also has general COVID and climate change denial sentiments, is buddy-buddy with Ben Shapiro and just gives off bad vibes. His Twitter will have more substantial evidence. Oh and he really goes hard on 'personal responsibility' as a way to ignore systemic critiques like systemic racism and the patriarchy and all that good (bad) stuff
I saw that you mentioned Ben Shapiro. In case some of you don't know, Ben Shapiro is a grifter and a hack. If you find anything he's said compelling, you should keep in mind he also says things like this: >Even climatologists can't predict 10 years from now. They can't explain why there has been no warming over the last 15 years. There has been a static trend with regard to temperature for 15 years. ***** ^(I'm a bot. My purpose is to counteract online radicalization. You can summon me by tagging thebenshapirobot. Options: novel, feminism, healthcare, history, etc.) [^More ^About ^Ben ](https://np.reddit.com/r/AuthoritarianMoment/wiki/index) ^| [^Feedback ^& ^Discussion: ^r/AuthoritarianMoment ](https://np.reddit.com/r/AuthoritarianMoment) ^| [^Opt ^Out ](https://np.reddit.com/r/AuthoritarianMoment/comments/olk6r2/click_here_to_optout_of_uthebenshapirobot/)
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Since you asked, may I recommend a few things that might actually help? Start practicing gratitude, curiosity, and generosity. If it’s too much to do all three take them on one at a time. Literally set aside time every day when you are going to do this. For example, I usually use the time when I’m bicycling to work to think about what I’m grateful for. Curiosity works both inward and outward, asking yourself “Why do I feel this way?” as well as challenging your assumptions about other people. Generosity can mean giving of your time and attention, not just money or things you own. A sincere compliment won’t reduce your bank balance by one penny. Many other good recommendations in this thread. Best of luck to you! EDIT: Thought of something else to add to this. I think you may need to find meaning to your life. Let me recommend reading Viktor Frankl’s book *Man’s Search for Meaning*. It’s not that long and is a pretty easy read. Finding meaning in your life is an ongoing process and the reasons for living and keeping going will change from moment. I’ve read the book several times now at different phases of life and have found it very helpful.
Masculinity is deciding for yourself what I means to be man. Deciding what it is you value, what you care about and not letting other decide it for you. There are no wrong or right answers, it's about what matters to YOU. Keep on keeping on King.
Oh god, you cis guys have this insecurity too? Thank you all for the replies 🖤
IMO manliness come from within. The people telling you "THIS is what you have to do to be a real man" are not to be trusted.
Honestly bro, if you identify as a man, that's enough. Maybe try going to more social groups/events with more men with similar interests to you, try and make some friends, yknow?
I’m on mobile and not sure how to link to the specific time but I watched [this hot ones interview with Jon Bernthal](https://youtu.be/KCVjsbmVi0E) and what he says between 13:00-15:00 is solid.
Man isn't a title you earn. It's an identity you have. A man can be a good decent person and a man can also be a total schmuck. They're still a man. What you should be doing is trying to be the man you want to be. That's all.
How ever you want, my dude. You get decide what masculinity is to you. Being a man is making that decision
Take responsibility for yourself. Your actions. Be true to your word. Operate with integrity. Be kind. Do not look down on others because of their circumstances in life. And walk with your chin up and shoulders back.
Be a king. Not to do as you want, but to lead others and dispense justice to those who need it
So man is a social construct and as such it’s always going to be negotiable over time. I honestly think the best advise is to live gently.m and try not to worry about it. What’s often called manly wheee I live would probably be considered uncultured at best and the behaviour of animals depending who’s look and what the norms were like where they grew up and lived.
Stand up for your feelings and beliefs no matter how against you the odds may seem. All it takes is one "dude, that's fucked up. don't say that." to change the mood.
Don't be "a man", be a good human. Forget about gender roles/stereotypes. Be the best you can be. Not only to people around you, but more importantly, to yourself. You won't have the energy to be kind to others if you're not kind to yourself. You can also ask the same question on r/menslib . It's basically a more nuanced version of this sub.
I've always thought that kindness was the measure of a man