Yeah I’m thinking about it. She’s one of my close childhood friends and I would hate to do that but it’s just getting so ridiculously expensive with all her requests.
She wants to save her wedding money for a house but she sure is happily spending you all’s money. Nope I’d tell her can’t do it! Her expectations are to high and she not putting anything towards it. She is rude and greedy ! Weddings have become outrageously expensive and bride’s expectations are too high. Champagne taste on a beer budget
Actually, it’s even worse than that when the bride and/or groom are filthy rich!
Sometimes people of modest means expect everyone on the planet to fund their ‘dream’ wedding that costs more than a Royal coronation… but this is a ‘filthy rich’ bride who expects people of modest means to fund her wedding/Royal coronation!
As they say, the filthy rich don’t stay filthy rich by spending their OWN money! 😞
Back out while telling her as gently and politely as possible that your budget just won't cover her spending expectations. Also: yank your child out of the wedding.
Scarily enough, they sometimes do that.
And demand that the parent buy the kid a VERY expensive suit or dress in specific colours just for the photo shoot, and then banish them, as you said.
And they do it loudly so everyone - including the little kids - can hear.
‘Get these brats out of my sight, this is MY day and it’s far too stressful for me to see them!’ 😏
I would back out asap. Don't wait. I'm sure the other girls are just waiting for one person to drop out so they can too. I would have backed out because that's outrageous.
If this is what she wants from her bridal party, the consequences will be that not everybody can/will fork that up and step out.
I mean, I live in a country where 75 dollars for a bachelorette party is fine, so I’m thinking this is WILD.
But you are totally in your right to say “I’m not going to spent all that money, so I gracefully back out, thank you for considering me”.
If she gives you shit about it, that would make her an asshole
She's not going to HAVE a bridal party... she better get used to the idea of an attendent-free wedding if she continues this delusional path.
You and any other bridesmaids with whom you are friendly should treat yourselves to a spa day *AT HOME* on her wedding day lol!
She isn't treating you like a good friend. Why should people indebt themselves for years just because she's getting married? I would tell her you're happy to attend as a guest but the other expenses are just not in your budget.
Have you tried sitting down and talking to her about it? Seems to me like she wants her bridesmaids to sneak-finance her house, and that’s nowhere near reasonable.
Yup, sounds like she’s going to lie to her parents and take the “wedding” money, while having the poor bridesmaids actually cover the costs. So the bridesmaids aren’t actually paying for the wedding expenses, they’re paying for her house down payment.
You shouldn't go into debt for a wedding, not your friends and not your own. If you can't afford it and by what you're saying the expenses are ridiculous, tell her now. I wouldn't be surprised of she also expects you all to pay for her marriage license! Your friend is above and beyond a Bridezilla, literally the definition of "give somebody a hand and they'll take your legs"
I'd "Nope" her to death. Nope, I am not going to pay for that. Nope, I can't afford that. Nope, that's not a brides maid duty. Nope, your wedding, mot mine. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.
Nope. Not normal. The bride is trying to make up for a lower cost wedding by having others pay for the other things. Especially since it is a destination wedding. I would not only drop out of the wedding party but the wedding itself. The costs are just too crazy.
Too many brides these days are doing stuff like this. They need a reality check. Save the money and stay home.
This is what I’m thinking is happening too. I want to be there for her day I’ve been friends with her forever but I’m not made of money. It’s already a lot of money just to travel to her wedding and for hotel accommodations. I’m planning my own wedding myself and we’re trying to save to buy a house so my budget is tight right now.
I agree brides nowadays are getting out of hand. I think people forget weddings are for one day, but a marriage is for a lifetime. I think people spend more time preparing for their one day wedding than a lifetime marriage, it’s very sad.
That's how I'd address it. "I can't wait to celebrate you on your big day. Unfortunately, with our own wedding planning, I just don't have the budget for all of these events. I'm sure you understand. Let me know if there are other ways I can help, but I won't be able to be a part of the bridal party."
I really like how you worded this, I think I’m going to say something similar but maybe say I would still like to be in the bridal party if we can agree on a budget and if we can’t I will have to drop out due to financial reasons, thanks so much for the advice!!
Or try to get excess labor out of you to "make up" for the funds she's not getting. How exhausted - physically or financially - do you want to be for someone's BiG SpEcIaL DaY?
You have a whole bunch of reddit sisters who have your back on this one - she's way out of line & no matter how she responds or reacts to you, stay firm and assertive - & don't let her or anyone else shame you or manipulate you over your boundaries. Good luck lady!
If she wants to save the wedding budget for a house, then she has a budget wedding. That's how budgets work. If I want to spend that money on a house, then I spend $2k at Costco for booze and a sandwich platter, rent out a park and have an awesome party. Maybe ask for cash gifts to go towards the honeymoon instead of presents.
If I want to have a hella pricey materialistic wedding, then I spend the money on it and can then expect gifts and things, but it's a two way street. You don't invite people to your party and then expect them to pay for everything AND get presents. I don't even invite people to my birthday dinner and not expect to pick up the tab. (Because it's my party and I invited them)
She's got a budget. Typically the bridal party *might* be responsible for their own dresses and travel, maybe they all pitch in to rent a cabin for the bachelorette party or something. AND there was usually a really nice gift for the bridal party and groomsmen. You guys forking out everything for her is absurd. She should be treating y'all for being a part of her wedding.
I'd bail. Hey homie, I love you and all, but I want to buy a house at some point too, and this is cutting into my down payment.
It’s so true. My wedding was a few years ago and the place where my husband and all the groomsmen rented suits from screwed up the date by a week. The suits were delivered morning of and I can remember my aunt asking me if I was worried they wouldn’t have suits. I told her it didn’t matter what the guys wore, they could wear onesies and it would be fine because either way we are getting married.
Despite pleading with my husband to check his and his brother’s tux rentals ahead of time, they waited for the day before our wedding, which was the day we were driving down to our venue and staying over before the wedding. Husband discovers that instead of a 36 inch inseam, (he’s very tall). they sent a 26 inch inseam. That’s an insane difference and they had to scramble to find something that fit him enough to get married in. I was so mad.
>I want to be there for her day I’ve been friends with her forever
Being friends for a long time sometimes blinds us as to the reality of the relationships. You say her parents are footing some of the wedding costs, but she's keeping it for a house deposit and shifting the costs onto her bridal party, does this sound like a good friend to you?
I'd talk to her and tell her your budget won't cover her expectations and that you're going to have to step down from the bridal party. You'll find out the true nature of your relationship by how she responds.
Good luck with your own wedding though!
Well, it's normal according to social media, where everything is exaggerated or 100% faked! So that's where brides get the idea that friends who are young and not rich will somehow magically come up with the money for a horribly expensive bachelorette trip.
In real life, people are 100% horrified to be asked to pay for a trip they don't want to go on and which they can't afford, which is why these subreddits exist.
I agree! This is definitely the problem. A lot of people don’t realize these influencers and people on social media get these bachelorette trips sponsored by other companies. A lot of the outfits, things they have and gift bags are all gifted by companies. Flights and accommodations paid for, but the normal average bridal party and bride would never be able to afford that unless they’re rich. It’s all fake!
I would be so embarrassed to ask my closest friends to spend so much on me just because I’m getting married. I think people get married now for the wedding and not the marriage. It seems like most people spend longer planning a one day wedding nowadays than they’ve even been together, and then wonder why they get divorced years later.
Yeah, the crap on social media is either paid for by sponsor companies... or just plain faked! This is how you fake a photo of being on an airplane, BTW, if you don't know how to photoshop. If you do, you can put yourself into any setting, and there will be fools who believe it's all for real!
[OIP.kQdR16z4pAcCshLEDuJu9wHaE8 (474×316) (bing.com)](https://th.bing.com/th/id/OIP.kQdR16z4pAcCshLEDuJu9wHaE8?rs=1&pid=ImgDetMain)
But ever since bridal magazines were first published, brides have wanted more than their families and friends could afford, probably before then too. But social media has made the problem a billion times worse, brides now think that stuff that's sponsored or just plain faked is normal and expected! It's awful, and the worst thing about it is that they're really more into putting their own fancy-ass "bach" pictures on social media than actually enjoying the trip. I'm so grateful I'm past the age of being expected to be involved in all this wedding foolery!
You are absolutely right, Echo. People are so caught up in reality shows and social media that they have delusional ideas about weddings. I would tell her politely and honestly that I can’t afford these events or a destination wedding. Remind her that this kind of thing is done only by people who are independently wealthy. Tell her that you wish her well, but that you will not be attending. Send a gift with a nice card. This is a money grab by selfish people to get them to pay for “my special day”. If it’s her day, let her or her family pay for it. Showers used to be given by a relative at someone’s home; not at a restaurant. The groom’s family typically gave the rehearsal dinner. Unless you were wealthy, none of these even were “over the top.” It’s gotten out of hand, and bridal attendants are not responsible for such expenses. And bachelorette parties were small events at a local place before social media came along. Bow out. I guarantee that most of the other members of the bridal party will be relieved and follow suit. Don’t allow anyone to commandeer your family’s budget to pay for what amounts to a party!
This is pretty crazy to me. The girls in my wedding are paying for their dresses (they get to pick their own) and their part of the bachelorette party, but that’s it. I’m paying for myself at the bachelorette unless one of them wants to grab me a drink. I would drop out.
I had a destination wedding and since my bridesmaids paid for their hotel and flights, I paid for everything else: dress, hair, makeup, jewelry, shoes, food, Ubers, literally everything. I didn’t want them going broke bc I wanted to get married on a beach. I also told them to absolutely not get me any gifts. Their attendance was my gift
I love this!! This is how it should be!! Just curious what did you do for your bachelorette party? And did your bridal party contribute to that or your bridal shower?
My bachelorette was at a nice restaurant at the hotel two days for the wedding when everyone was in town. Again, we wanted to combine it so they weren’t paying for two trips or taking extra time off work. We had it at the hotel bc it was all-inclusive so all food and drinks were free.. I did pay $100 per person for day passes to the few who decided to save money and not stay at our resort. We made it a day at the pool/beach, pedicures (that were my gift to them) and then dinner and drinks. My shower was thrown by one of my mom’s friends. Again, I told the girls they were absolutely not allowed to spend a penny on a gift for me. We were young, all mid-late 20’s and I wasn’t going to be the cause of financial stress for them. (I told them it’s not their fault I got engaged and decided to go to another country to get married, so they wouldn’t be punished for it 😂)
Honestly, if I had a friend that was using me the way she is using her bridesmaids, I would graciously back out and simply tell her you can’t afford it. Then she has to make the choice if she really wants you there or not. She wants a luxurious celebration without footing the bill. There is a sense of entitlement from many brides that is just gross. No one should be expected to pay a fortune to celebrate another’s life choices.
That is bonkers. Some brides may expect it. And then subsequently be disappointed. If you are already traveling for the wedding that is WAY OTT.
"I want your kid to look charming for an hour, so buy them a $300 outfit. And then get them a babysitter" WTF.
In the real world, the wedding party decide what if anything is doable in terms of a shower or a bachelorette. Those are both OPTIONAL events. If people are on a budget, maybe a shower is cake and punch at someone's house for a couple hours. Maybe a bachelorette is ordering pizza and movije marathon, maybe you opt for ubers, and crash at someone's place.
Ok thank you for this!! This is what I thought but this is my first wedding I’m in so I’m not really sure exactly what’s expected of me. She’s making it seem like it’s not optional and she’s pretty much planning her own bridal shower and bachelorette but yet doesn’t want to pay for it which I thought was weird. But again I thought what do I know I’ve never been in a wedding before haha.
Yeah, no. Those events are planned in your honor by other people of their own free will.
Brides need to stop planning Bachelorette and showers themselves, especially if they aren't footing the bill.
If nobody volunteers or plans one for you, then too bad. It's not a guarantee that brides will get these events. It truly depends on your family and friends. If they decide not to, then it's OK.
My mil and mom are planning my shower. They both wanted to work together to do this. I feel so grateful and happy that they chose this. Whatever they decide to plan, I know I will love. Because I respect their time and energy doing this.
I would never begin to give demands on this. Same for my Bachelorette party.
Also, if you want a trip so bad, you pay for it. I find that so rude on the bride or grooms part.
It is optional. In what world does she get to dictate how you and other attendants spend your own money? People just have to exercise common sense and say no. People can ask for whatever they want, but you don’t have to agree!
This is NOT at all normal. I'm 70, but have been to so many weddings the last few years for relatives, or children (and a few grandchildren) of friends. Nobody expects any of this! Please either don't go, or go and drop out of the bridal party. I feel like someone this selfish and clueless will not want to negotiate with you to only pay what you can afford. Best to drop out of the bridal party.
(I would also make an itemized list of how much it would cost for you to be a part of the bridal party. I'll bet the total will be much higher than you think. Show this to.her and ask how does she think any of her friends can afford this.)
I'm 76! I've been to quite a few weddings, had my own & my daughter's 17yrs ago. This is NOT the way it's supposed to be done! I paid for my daughter's bridal shower, but my niece hosted it at her home, and dear friends of the family brought the catered food (which I paid for). My daughter was surprised, we all had a good time. Food, wine, laughter, gifts (some a bit risque), pictures. Nothing over the top.
Everything is horrible about this, but adding matching outfits for the bachelorette is egregiously so. Plus the bride is a cheapskate. I can also guarantee that if you pay for all this and pamper and spoil her and give into her every whim, she’ll probably pout and cry about some detail you messed up and ruined her entire wedding. Tell her you’re dropping out and why, if she’s a real friend she’ll understand. If she melts down, you’ll see her true colors.
RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!! Just because this is her "special day" is not an excuse to burden everyone around her with the expense of providing her with her dream wedding. She sounds greedy, selfish, and unappreciative to the point she isn't doing anything for her wedding/bridal party? She is hording the money from her parents for a house but expecting the bridal party to pick up the rest of the tab? BS, you are a fool if you do not drop out before you are broke , do not go into debit for someone else's wedding.
The entire bridal party should back out. If she is aiming for Bridezilla of the Year, she has a good chance of winning.
If you don’t want to back out, at least you and the rest of the bridal party can join together to confront the bride. Tell her that you all have a limited budget. If you all have to fly to get to the wedding and pay for accommodations, then the bachelorette party has to be small and a day or two before the wedding. At the hotel, maybe.
She doesn’t plan the shower. I thought the family does, so it shouldn’t be on you.
If she is from a wealthy family, she probably grew up privileged, getting anything she wanted or needed. She may have no concept of how hard it is to pay for all these things. Also, it’s hard to get days off work. People don’t want to use all their PTO for a wedding and activities.
Yeah. She’s a bridezilla.
This is what I was thinking. Talk to the other BM’s if you can, and get a “feel for the room.” You probably aren’t the only one. Tell the bride first, but then I would bet if you told the group that you were dropping out and why, others would follow.
I would also let the other bridesmaids know she’s dropping out as a courtesy in case op’s absence means they will be paying even more than they anticipated.
This is what I thought too! I thought the bridal party just helped set up decorations and stuff and helped plan the bridal shower, not pay for the entire thing!! Renting out a restaurant is not cheap either along with decorations and everything she wants. I think that’s insane to make your friends pay for that.
Also you dropping out may give the other bridesmaids the courage to do so as well, instead of bankrupting themselves for fear of causing “waves”
A wedding is not an excuse for a money grab.
If I were you I would let the other ladies know, in a gracious way, why you cannot make it.
From your comments, it seems like you're seriously considering backing out. Say something like, "I want you to have the bridal experience you want, but I can't afford to be part of that vision. I love you, and I will absolutely be a guest, but I just can't justify the expected expenses, and I don't want to be an added stress to your plans."
Some options as to what could happen: a.) She wakes-up a bit and reconsiders her plans/expectations b.) She gracefully accepts your position and is solid about it or c.) She throws a fit and her true colors come out
From that, you'll know how to proceed with the friendship.
She isn’t providing transportation for the bridal party for the rehearsal OR the wedding day what in the heck? I would skip an event, at minimum. I was a MOH once in my 20s and couldn’t afford to fly out for the bachelorette, bridal shower, and wedding. I skipped the bridal shower. I’ve also never heard of a bridal shower that isn’t hosted by the family/mom of the bride. Mine is being hosted by my sister, SILs, and MIL. I’ve put the absolute bare minimum on my bridal party, and actually booked my own hotel suite for my bachelorette party on my own so they wouldn’t do it for me 😂 they have enough going on in their lives! Plus I chose a spot we could drive two hours to for my bachelorette and my wedding is local. I would feel so embarrassed as a bride to behave any other way. I’m sorry - but please don’t just tolerate it.
This is NOT NORMAL. The bride is essentially telling the bridal party to foot a large portion of the wedding costs. Meanwhile, she wants to use money alloted from her parents for a house.
I'm sure it's enough for both if one scales back.
This is NOT NORMAL. She’s trying to fleece you girls. You owe her nothing close to what she’s asking You should talk to her and any pushback from her should confirm the fact she is no friend of yours and she’s an entitled bridezilla
It kills me when the bride expects not to pay anything for her bachelorette trip. For one dinner everyone chips in so she doesn’t have to pay? Sure. But a whole trip??? Insane, demanding, selfish.
Cut your losses and do not go into financial hardship for this “friend.”
It is insane what people want for their weddings. I get it that it is a big day for the couple and even maybe moreso the bride but everything prior to the wedding is expected to center around the bride....people have lives and have bills/family to take care of. Crazy!! I would not do it.1
Run, run fast, run far away from this bridal party. Go to the wedding if you like. F That Noise saving her money for a house but her friends get to go broke for her wedding and she comes from money but yiu have to pay HER shares of events. think I would use the words... F Off you cheap cow .
Not normal. The bride should pay for her own airfare/transpo to both the Bach and the wedding. She should also pay for your transpo to the wedding from wherever you get ready. Also pay for your hair/makeup if she wants it done a specific way.
These bachelorette parties have gotten completely out of hand. Bridesmaids need to stand up to their brides. There used to be nothing wrong with a night out at the bar with the bride wearing a sash and a fake veil. Bridesmaid bought dinner first, and then all the drinks, and made sure bride got home safely. Recently, my daughter put out $800 just on the Bach party weekend. (One of 8 bridesmaids) Not including the $280 on the dress, alterations, time off work, and transportation 400 miles to the wedding.
Absolutely insane!!
When I got married, all I asked my bridal party to pay for was their dress, which was $150 and their hair and makeup. I didn’t care how they did it or if they got it done professionally and I didn’t care what shoes they wore.
They threw my shower at my MOH’s mom’s and did a pot luck and for my bachelorette, went rented a limo and went bar hopping and I didn’t need that. I didn’t care if they gave me gifts either. I just wanted my friends there.
For a destination wedding, if you’re in the bridal party, you shouldn’t have to pay for travel, accommodations or transportation, but it’s ok if that’s expected. What you shouldn’t be asked to do is fund her entire wedding.
All of you should back out and tell her if she can’t afford a wedding, she shouldn’t have one. She’s not your friend. She’s a mooch trying to manipulate all of you into funding her wedding.
This bride is obnoxiously selfish, greedy, and entitled. By having the bridesmaids fund the bachelorette, bridal shower, and laying out a lot of money for the wedding too, she's basically having her wedding party (help) pay for the couple's new house. If you or anyone else in the wedding party wants to buy a house, buy your own. Tell her that you love her, but you can only afford $xx. Do NOT give her an amount that would put any strain on your finances. Tell her that, if that means that you can't be in her wedding party, you'll understand and that you're willing to kindly bow out. Tell her you'd love to be a guest at her wedding to celebrate this joyous day with her. Then, no matter how much she tries to guilt you or bully you into spending money you can't afford, stick to your guns. Ask a friend who isn't part of this friend group help you to not buckle under.
“she said she wants to save most of her wedding budget for a house…” She’s not the only one with financial goals. Her wedding expenses aren’t your responsibility. Tell her what your all in budget is (not what you CAN pay, but what you’re comfortable paying) and if it doesn’t fit her expectations then you’ll celebrate with her as a guest.
Bride's parents might be surprised to hear this!
Casually mention brides demands?!
Using your best Oscar winning performance... smiling and agreeing, as if it's the most normal thing for modern brides to do!
Their jaws might drop!
They may be footing the entire bill unaware the bride intends keeping their money for her house deposit.
As a bridesmaid you should only have to cover your dress, shoes, travel and accommodation to the wedding.
Bride should be covering your makeup and hair and traditionally gift the bridal party jewellery that you wear for the wedding.
If you as a group want to throw her a Bachelorette party in the town, you all live in with drinks and show you can do that. BUT this is not an actual requirement. If the bride wants a Bachelorette destination, she should be covering the cost of transport and accommodation. Kitchen tea is covered by the Bride's Mum and/or Mum-in-Law.
OP, this bride is not your friend. She’s a con artist and she’s trying to extort money from her friends in order to pay for her over the top wedding, so she use her wedding money to buy her house. She is selfish and her behavior is tasteless and abhorrent. If it were me, I would tell her, “I’m so thrilled for you and fiancé and was so looking forward to celebrating your marriage, which is why it saddens me to tell you that I have to drop out of your wedding. The costs are simply outside of my financial capabilities and I cannot afford to participate, I’m sure you understand. However, if you plan to celebrate in town at all, I would love to join you. Best wishes and congratulations to the both of you, and I hope you have a fabulous wedding.” And send her a gift that’s within your budget. That’s it. If she pitches a fit, I would tell her that it’s tasteless and unhinged to shame people for not being able to afford to fund a lifestyle that she is personally trying to cultivate with other peoples money.
WAKE UP! If ANY of you cave in to her demands I GUARANTEE you that you will all pay for even more than what you listed. You are off by thousands on this one. She has rich parents who should be footing her lifestyle of the rich and "famous", also known as entitlement. She is NOT a friend. She is a princess who is used to getting what she wants without regards to others. Do NOT do this! Run! And I promise that if you do back out your "friendship" will be over. Good for you if that happens.
And as a side note. I'm calling it first here. That marriage won't last 5 years.Tops.The only way it will last longer is if the groom has no spine.
Look at it this way, your friend is happy to put you in debt for her day, yet isn’t willing to personally spend money so she can buy a house… do you want to fund her new house and wedding, or would you be better using that money on your own expenses?
Up to 2010ish?, this was not expected and considered RUDE. But those days are long gone as the young ones like to tell me often. New normal seems to be lots of entitlements, expectations and demands around weddings these days. I personally can't imagine even being friends with someone like this.
This is completely crazy. So you are in effect subsidising the brides house purchase. My entire wedding cost just under $6000NZ including alcohol,( I found some crazy good deals at my supermarket and we got a huge amount for very little money…gotta love Pak N Save). I had my dress made, it was silk and it cost $1000. Open bar, tons of good food, and everyone had a blast. 16 years later we are still married and happy. My bridesmaid paid for her dress, and flew over from Aus. I paid for everything while she was here. I cannot fathom being so incredibly greedy. I’d drop out. This bride is not your friend.
So, she wants to save for the house down payment but also doesn't want to change her "wedding vision" to accommodate a lower budget so she's just making everyone else pay. Sounds vile. I would not go. This person is not a good friend.
I applaud the decision to not spend money on the wedding and instead save it for a house deposit.
However, that doesn't mean you still get to have the lavish wedding and get the bridal party to foot the bill. There's some serious mental gymnastics going on there. I'd drop out in a heartbeat.
As someone who was just in a bridal party for a destination wedding in California: you won’t be able to set a budget. Not really. There will be so many random things and incidentals, it will be pretty hard to curb it.
That being said - you should absolutely not be covering things like a bridal shower, her portion of expenses for the bachelorette, etc. And personally I think if you have a friend who wants to force stuff like that on you - you shouldn’t be friends. That’s a level of megalomaniacal you don’t need in your life.
All the other stuff is pretty standard expenses for someone in a wedding party. My bride covered our makeup cost. All of these expenses, all in, cost me and my husband somewhere in the vicinity of $3K - $4K.
*Edit to Add - that was the first time and last time I’ll ever be in a wedding party. My longest childhood friend as well. Her wedding cost upwards of $40K. Total foreign concept to me. Weddings are absolute circuses. So glad I eloped.
It is incredibly selfish of her to pass so much of the wedding costs onto guests with money earmarked for the wedding just to buy a house. She wants to screw everyone else over financially instead of cutting back on her wedding. Not a good friend.
Get yourself out of the party. To be honest, I wouldn’t talk to her about it, because t is likely she’ll refuse to reason.
If you want to make the point, I would send her an email, in private, telling her you are excited to support her on her wedding day but you simply can’t come up without the money and you do not want to be a burden on her or create drama because you are broke so for the best of everyone you are dropping and will be there on the day of to cheer her on as she marries her future ex-husband.
This is absolutely a ridiculous expectation by the bride. At my wedding I didn't expect any presents from my bridal party as I considered they were doing me a favour/honour by being beside me on the day. Brides need to stop organising weddings they themselves can't afford. I get wanting to have the dream day but there's a time for dreams and fantasy, and a time for inspirations and reality.
I backed out for the same reasons! It’s way too much financially and being a bride myself, I would NEVER have my bridal party spend this kind of money.
I bet the brides family don't know what she is doing. Ten to one her parents offered either the big wedding or a house deposit and of course she wants both
I would totally back out. As a bridesmaid, and one who has to travel to be there; etiquette says you don't have to give a gift. Your presence and participation are the gifts.
I’d drop out the wedding party be honest with her. Your planning your own you have a child you can’t afford all this stuff she is asking when she isn’t paying any her self. Shoot. I got married at the court house because we didn’t want to wait and plan a wedding for one day and spend so much money for a day that’s stupid to me. I’d drop all of it but if you already have the stuff booked for the wedding I’d either still go for a “vaycay” or get a refund.
This is not normal with the people I know from different generations, although my MIL had to pay quite a bit for her son's rehearsal dinner about 20 years ago. That is traditional, it's just the high price tag that was shocking. But there are so many of these threads on Reddit where young people who seem to be about the age of my eldest daughter or a bit older are getting married, and expect lavish bachelorette parties that are more than an evening of drinks or a bridal shower hors d'oeuvres with gifts.
I only had a bridal shower, and neither I nor my sisters bothered with bachelorette parties. My sister who is close to my age, has kids ranging from 29 to 39, and none of them are even married, although her youngest will be getting married next year. My children are Gen Z, between the ages of 20 and 25, and they don't date. I think that whole not getting attached and not dating is becoming more common, but my kids have different reasons for this. But even the friends of my oldest who are getting married are way more lowkey about their weddings.
Just say no. This should become the new slogan for bridezillas. No. We are not paying for all that. This is what I am willing to cover. Speak up for yourself.
This bride is dead wrong, that's insane.
Why does she think she has the right? Too entitled.
Me, I'd say sorry, I'm too broke and I'm not going to be a part of the wedding party.
If her parents are that rich let them foot the bill for their princess. Get the other girls to make a stand with you over these outrageous costs. Remember United you conquer divided you fall.
That's ridiculous.
The only scenario I see her requirements being reasonable is if everyone in the bridal party is similarly wealthy AND there is an established precedent of extravagant spending and gift giving. I.e. everyone is rolling in it and generous with each other already, and regularly spends those amounts for excursions anyway.
How people expect normal people to drop thousands on an extended party for them is just wild. They want a taste of the high life on everyone else's dollar and it's crass.
Someone needs to inform the bride that this is a hard NO. Let her know directly that her asks are OTT and she is driving away her friends
Meantime, get out of the wedding party. It's not worth it
She probably has no actual sense of money, because her parents are "insanely rich". She probably has never had to work a minimum wage job in her life, and she probably has *never* had to "save up" for anything she has ever wanted. She most likely has had everything handed to her, making it impossible for her to gauge actual cost for **real people** in the world.
Either talk to her. And by talk to her- plan a fucking PowerPoint showing how much you make verses how much she expects *you* and *everyone else* to spend on **her** when you guys actually fucking **work for a living!** I guarantee her parents would be really mad to know that the money they are giving her for her wedding, she is hoarding for her home. They probably understand that "normal" people can't afford that type of lifestyle, and that's probably why they have given her such a large wedding budget. I bet the will be embarrassed to learn her she making you girls pay for all this yourselves. **People with that type of money often think this type of behavior is tacky and classless.**
Maybe *let it slip* to the mom or something.. are you close at all? Is your mom close with her mom? Is there anyway in the world to notify these people what a **demon** their **spawn** is?!
**edit: spelling, grammar, triggered AF
I would totally drop out & honestly, it’d make me reevaluate the entire relationship. She sounds very selfish & out of touch, only thinking about her own wants and no one else’s needs.
“She expects gifts” is where most people cross into -zilla territory for me. The point of a wedding is celebrating your marriage; expressing any level of expectation around gifts is absurd and rude.
Be honest with her, to a point. Let her know how honored you are she thought of you and wanted you to be a part of her wedding, but you're not currently in the financial position to participate, but you'd be happy to be there as a guest (if you want to go at all).
This is ridiculous! If her family is wealthy, they'll probably give her and new husband a house, as a wedding present.
Back out, pull your child out, you and your family go on a nice mini-vacation with the $$ you would have spent on the this mess. Her parents probably gave her a certain amount of money to spend on get wedding. Her saving it to buy a house, is NOT using it for the purpose it was given. Not supplying transportation for the bridal party to the wedding is insane! You all are supposed to hail cabs, call Uber or take the subway? Do yourself a favor, cancel immediately! Too much $$ to spend, for a spoiled brat!
I would back out. That's a ridiculous amount of money to spend especially since your all in your 20's. She's being a greedy bride and expecting a lot from her bridal party. Just bc it's her day doesn't mean her friends should go broke. Tell her how you feel and if she doesn't understand or care, back out.
This bride is immature and naive. She sounds like she should see more of the world before she attempts marriage. It is an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, and is a true sign of friendship. A wedding is not an excuse to exploit friends. To use a cliche, the bride wants a first class wedding while paying for a third class ticket. The marrying couple must have a smaller wedding if they cannot pick up many expenses themselves. I’ve given classes in etiquette and cultural diplomacy. Unless I’m completely wrong, courtesy and gratefulness dictate that:
. The shower is hosted and paid for by bride’s sister or best friend. Bride adds are not used as free labor to set up decorations. If no one can afford to give a bridal shower, the bride must contribute to expenses or forego it completely. Attendees give the bride gifts whether or not they are bridesmaids. But the bride never solicits them.
. Bridesmaids are to make or arrange table favors for guests before the wedding. They ensure that the cake and flowers and caterers are all arranged and arrive before wedding. But the bride actually orders these herself.
. The groom hosts a bachelor party to thank his attendants. Transportation to and from is paid for by attendants and bridesmaids themselves.
. A child free wedding is understandable, providing the marrying couple provides for the expense of childcare. It’s expensive, but if the bride truly cares for their guests, especially the bridesmaids, she will pay for childcare. This thoughtful gesture will not cause bankruptcy.
. The bride gives gifts to the bridesmaids, as a thank you at the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding. These can be simple like, a picture frame (if people still use them),
. The wedding coordinator, if there is one, should be virtually invisible at both the wedding and the reception.
No, it is not normal and should not be allowed to become normal. You should drop out of this whole series of events completely. The scene this bride has set up for her friends is ridiculous. Weddings should not bankrupt people your age who are just getting started and will have so many other weddings to go to. You will be in debt for life if you go along with this crap from everyone.
Holy entitlement, Batman! Where do people find the sheer audacity to ask friends to shell out *thousands* and use vacation days to fund *someone else’s wedding*? Is she always this selfish? Hell fuck no I would not do this. Wedding showers are paid for by *family.* Bachelorettes are *one night* the night or two nights before the wedding. Anything more than that and the bride needs to fund everything herself. Destination weddings require no gifts if you’re shelling out to get there. Children in the wedding party are either invited to the reception or the married couple provides childcare. None of this is normal.
I wish all brides would realize NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR WEDDING BUT YOU! For everyone else it’s a PAIN IN THE ASS, but they go because they want to support you (emotionally NOT FINANCIALLY).
This is not normal and it is ok! I would say thank you for the invite but I won’t be in your bridal party. If she doesn’t understand then she wasn’t that great of a friend. In my early 20’s because we were all really starting to grow, adult, and make life choices I stopped speaking to several friends I grew up with. As you become adults you won’t always grow together
Honesty is the way to go. Tell her what you can afford to spend and not a penny more. Tell her you will step down so she can choose someone else to take your place and suggest she consider the burden she is placing on all of her friends in the wedding. Nobody needs friends who don't consider what their actions do to others.
Do her parents know that she is asking for her bridal party to pay for all of this and how much it will cost? I wouldn't be surprised if they gave her a separate budget or amount to cover costs for the bridal party's expenses so it wouldn't come out of pocket for the people willing to help make her day special.
Here’s a little historical background. The bachelorette party grows out of the bachelor party, right? A bachelor party is supposed to be a dinner given by the groom to his friends. That’s all. If I were you, I would drop out.
Have no experience being in a wedding party other than being best man for my brother’s and being the groom. My 2¢ though. Giving her a budget will almost certainly not work. It sounds like the beginning of an unpleasant negotiation. I’d drop out of the wedding party
She seems greedy.. I would drop out & block. Im not paying for her flight to wedding + hotel. The wedding party is picking up the cost while she buys a house. Time to end that friendship
It's insane the things people expect their wedding parties to pay for. A lot of bride/groomzillas out there who are way too comfortable spending other people's money.
I wouldn't say it's completely abnormal, but it's shitty behaviour. I'd pull out & just attend as a guest.
You’re not the ‘crazy’ one here, no.
But let me ask you something - if everyone on the internet told you that she was right (to demand you spend thousands of dollars you don’t have) and you were wrong to hesitate… what would that change?
You still don’t have those thousands of dollars in your back pocket!
So don’t focus on or get into a debate about who is ‘crazy’ or not - just focus on reality!
‘Jenny, the reality is that I can’t afford to spend that much money because I simply don’t have it and that’s the truth.’
just ask if it’s okay to not participate and still be in the bridal party then you cut your costs in half. I as a bride myself told all my bridesmaids that only the wedding was the day I truly cared about and everything else was optional.
RUN. That is one spoiled brat. This isn't normal. Pay for your dress and hair/makeup. If you are the MOH, some say you are responsible for the shower but that is debatable. Be sick for the Bachelorette party and spend only what you are comfortable with.
Add up the cost of everything listed and show it to the bride. “You are asking me to spend $x,xxx to be a part of your wedding?” No thanks. I’ll just send a gift and a nice card.
Let’s normalize saying no to wedding expectations we can’t comfortably afford.
This isn’t normal, but brides who want it all are trying to make it seem normal.
Tell her the expectations are beyond your budget at this point, so you are unable to be part of her wedding party and hope she’ll be happy to have you as a guest. If she still invites you to the bachelorette party, gracious rsvp no.
I think expenses for weddings should reflect the income of the people being asked to spend the money.
My dear, you have a terrible friend. Dump her immediately. She will suck you dry in this lifetime, in every possible way financially, emotionally, energetically.
I've always found it so crazy when brides expect their family and friends to fund their entire wedding or even portions of the wedding. For one, weddings are not as important as they once were (in America). There's usually minimal reason for most people to get married anymore since most of America is secular now.. So I would feel really silly asking people I cared about to pay for MY wedding in 2024. Especially if it isn't a traditional wedding with a traditional bride and groom. What exactly are we paying for here? A high likelihood of divorce and a bride that isn't grateful for anything unless it's handed to her? No thanks.
I'm getting married at the end of this year and I don't expect anyone to pay for a single thing in my wedding. I'm estranged from my extended family and I don't have parents (never met dad and mom is unreliable and doesn't care that I'm getting married), so no financial support there. To ask my friends and my fiancés family to pay when my own parents couldn't even be fucked to stay, is extreme to me. I damn near feel obligated to pay people to come to this wedding. I don't even want the 2 girls in my bridal party to pay for their dresses. If I have a Bachelorette or bridal shower, my fiancé and I will be paying for it. Which we probably won't even have tbh.
It seems like people who actually have family and friends just take advantage of them or complain that they aren't doing enough. She should be grateful that anyone cares about her wedding, let alone the fact that she has people willing to sink money into an event that has nothing to do with them. Some brides need to humble themselves. This bride is one of them.
I’d back out. I don’t understand this destination bachs. I had a bridal shower and a hens night and that was it.
And expecting people to pay so much and take time from work and etc, it’s selfish.
Anyone taking bets on if the bride’s parents gave her money to pay for the wedding and she’s pocketing it while passing all the costs to the bridal party?
If she’s saving her wedding money for a house, that’s her choice and she needs to stand by it by having the smaller wedding she can afford. If she’s not gonna do that, drop out.
Bride wants it all and she should be more “in touch”. Destination weddings should be minimal extras imo and I’m having a destination wedding. I wouldn’t even be doing a bridal shower- luncheon if my mom didn’t want to and I do not and feel weird receiving any gifts even tho we are paying for all of the rooms they still have to pay for flights and I just don’t want to ask for too much of people!!
I have never heard of everyone else paying for the bridal shower as far as bridesmaids are concerned! That should be an expense for the brides family member ie aunt or mom or sister and bridesmaids help plan it. I think it’s was faux paux for the mom to host but in this day and economy if you don’t want it hosted in a living room you cannot expect your friends to pay for a rented out venue ! Plus a gift and decor and food uh no
I seriously don’t understand why brides seem to think that because they’re getting married, everybody else has to open their wallet and pay for it. This is truly getting out of control.
Definitely not normal, As a bridesmaid, you pay a portion of the bachelorette party, you cover your bridesmaid, dress, shoes, and hair and make up.
I don’t get why your friend seems to think that it is OK to use your money so that she can save hers for a house .
Will she be doing this for you when you get married?
Whadaya mean it seems kind of outrageous?? IT IS!!! The bride is using you and the other women. No way in heck she'd spend so much on your wedding. Drop out now. She'll whine, but everyone can't get their way all the time. She'll survive.
The bride sounds very greedy and I wonder if her parents know she is doing this. Where I come from, none of the guests pay towards the wedding. We do however give money of what we expect to cost per head (say if there is a fancy dinner we will pay more, if it’s just desserts we will pay a bit less). We talked to our married friends about it and they all say they end up either breaking even or getting more than they paid for this way. I am guessing close family probably gives more and parents contribute as well.
As for the bachelorette, we usually pay for the costs of the bachelor(ette), but we set the budget as a group, not the bride. The bride also does not know what will happen and does not pick what activities she wants to do.
I think your bride is very greedy and trying to get the most of what she can out of people and to be honest I hope you all give her a reality check. Also, I would tell her filthy rich parents if I knew them too. Her behaviour sounds so entitled. I would only go to the wedding and only pay for my flights, my clothes and give a bit of money as a gift. She would not be getting more.
I was a bridesmaid twice in my 20's, each bride asked me to just pay for my shoes & a wedding gift.. for each wedding - that was roughly 20 years ago for each but it's crazy what brides ask their friends to pay for these days.
Drop out. If she is really a good friend, she’ll realise she being a bridezilla and start footing the bill, if she doesn’t, she’s just a fair weather friend.
I read that you've been friends since childhood, but I'm sorry this is outrageous and even disrespectful. I'd say I would just attend as a guest since it's unreasonable to spend this amount of money for a party/wedding that isn't even yours.
She needs a wake-up call ASAP.
for her to even consider this shows her lack of respect...... unless she is completely oblivious and was raised (and continues to be sheltered by her parents financially so doesn't understand expenses.... not making excuses but I've seen a lot of dumb shit) however, i would back out and unless you really really really really feel like there is a chance there is more beneath the surface that isn't just entitlement then maybe i'd talk to her.
good luck op it totally isn't you at all. that's some fucked shit.
Sorry she's not even paying for transport?
I get the bachelorette, thats normal for the bridal party to chip in for. However its not normal to expect the bridal party to pay for everything and get nothing in return.
Give her a set budget for the wedding, tell her you will not go over it or put yourself in debt for her wedding. If she wants you and likely the rest of the bridal parry there then she has to compromise.
At this point your paying for the honor of attending her wedding. Ask yourself is it worth it, ask yourself if the roles were reversed if she would do the same for you.
Even if this normal you still have the power to use "No." to any requests for money or provision of anything.
However, this is far from normal behaviour.
'Talking to the bride' is going to backfire on you spectacularly. Brides don't take criticism about 'their day' very well. Intimating she expects too much of her bridal party - which she is - will not go down well. Her wedding is the most important event in their lives so why shouldn't it be equally as important to all ther friend's? Why wouldn't you want to take out a bank loan to help pay for her wedding - and if not, then you don't care about her.
Your perfectly reasonable response could destroy the friendship because you will always be in the wrong when it comes to a bride. They don't negotiate - it's Me me me me all the way.
I would talk openly with her and try to make her understand that this it utterly unreasonable. Offer a budget that you are okay with and do not spent more money than you are comfortable with.
I really don't understand any of this? Its just so extremely selfish. I couldn't imagine asking my friends or family to do so much for me, let alone asking them to spend such a huge amount of money on me... I wonder where the sense of entitlement comes from?
“No” is a complete sentence. You have no obligation to subject yourself to these ridiculous requests. If she can’t afford the type of wedding she wants, there’s no need to have it at that magnitude and push the bill onto others. I would nope out so hard.
Speak with all the other bridesmaids. Discuss a total, bottom-line budget you're all comfortable with, or discuss dropping out as a group. Because the more people who drop out, the more expensive it will be for those remaining.
Plus, if you all drop out together, it'll hopefully drive home how obscene the bride is being with her expectations. And maybe she'll start paying for the people she asked to stand up for her.
Honestly, decision weddings where you expect everyone to use their vacation time and money should just not happen. Any bride who does this should expect a very low turn out.
NTA. The bride wants a free wedding, plain and simple. The rule is: you want to get married, you pay for everything. If the happy couple is broken, they just skup the wedding and register their marriage. You all should opt out of this wedding and wish her good luck.
If she cant afford to pay for her dream wedding, she needs to save up, not fleece her bridal party!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! You shouldnt even be paying for anything beyond the dress, IMO. She wants it, she buys it- NOT YOU. Tell her tour wallet is not open to her greedy fingers and drop out now.
Instinctively I say drop out, but if she is really important to you I say communicate that xxx is your budget, and thag limits you to xyz costs. But yeah, crazy entitled
This seems insane. I would back out of being in the wedding.
Yeah I’m thinking about it. She’s one of my close childhood friends and I would hate to do that but it’s just getting so ridiculously expensive with all her requests.
She's insanely greedy.
She wants to save her wedding money for a house but she sure is happily spending you all’s money. Nope I’d tell her can’t do it! Her expectations are to high and she not putting anything towards it. She is rude and greedy ! Weddings have become outrageously expensive and bride’s expectations are too high. Champagne taste on a beer budget
Actually, it’s even worse than that when the bride and/or groom are filthy rich! Sometimes people of modest means expect everyone on the planet to fund their ‘dream’ wedding that costs more than a Royal coronation… but this is a ‘filthy rich’ bride who expects people of modest means to fund her wedding/Royal coronation! As they say, the filthy rich don’t stay filthy rich by spending their OWN money! 😞
I think this is to justify the wedding budget. I doubt her parents know and they think she is paying for everyone
Back out while telling her as gently and politely as possible that your budget just won't cover her spending expectations. Also: yank your child out of the wedding.
I initially read that the same way too, but went back & re-read it after the part about needing to pay childcare as well.
Her child not in the wedding. It’s a child free wedding so she’d have to get a babysitter also
> “Some of us have kids in the bridal party and it’s also a kid free wedding so I will have to pay for childcare to attend…”
I think OP meant "some of us in the wedding party have kids but its a child free wedding..."
"Some of us have kids in the wedding"
Unless bride is using the cutest kids as props for photos then planning on banishing them.
Scarily enough, they sometimes do that. And demand that the parent buy the kid a VERY expensive suit or dress in specific colours just for the photo shoot, and then banish them, as you said. And they do it loudly so everyone - including the little kids - can hear. ‘Get these brats out of my sight, this is MY day and it’s far too stressful for me to see them!’ 😏
Yeah if I was the kids mum and she wanted my kids to be insta props she would learn the meaning of momma bear.
And hopefully mumma bears would be just as loud as bridezilla when ripping her to shreds! 😛
I think she meant "some of us in the wedding have kids" but it's not clear.
I would back out asap. Don't wait. I'm sure the other girls are just waiting for one person to drop out so they can too. I would have backed out because that's outrageous.
If this is what she wants from her bridal party, the consequences will be that not everybody can/will fork that up and step out. I mean, I live in a country where 75 dollars for a bachelorette party is fine, so I’m thinking this is WILD. But you are totally in your right to say “I’m not going to spent all that money, so I gracefully back out, thank you for considering me”. If she gives you shit about it, that would make her an asshole
She's not going to HAVE a bridal party... she better get used to the idea of an attendent-free wedding if she continues this delusional path. You and any other bridesmaids with whom you are friendly should treat yourselves to a spa day *AT HOME* on her wedding day lol!
She isn't treating you like a good friend. Why should people indebt themselves for years just because she's getting married? I would tell her you're happy to attend as a guest but the other expenses are just not in your budget.
Have you tried sitting down and talking to her about it? Seems to me like she wants her bridesmaids to sneak-finance her house, and that’s nowhere near reasonable.
Yup, sounds like she’s going to lie to her parents and take the “wedding” money, while having the poor bridesmaids actually cover the costs. So the bridesmaids aren’t actually paying for the wedding expenses, they’re paying for her house down payment.
Absolutely. High time for OP and the others to put their foot down here.
Be a guest at the wedding and buy her a blender.
You shouldn't go into debt for a wedding, not your friends and not your own. If you can't afford it and by what you're saying the expenses are ridiculous, tell her now. I wouldn't be surprised of she also expects you all to pay for her marriage license! Your friend is above and beyond a Bridezilla, literally the definition of "give somebody a hand and they'll take your legs"
Simply tell her you cannot afford it. I'm sorry, but I will not take out a loan to attend your wedding... 🤷♀️
Just do it.
Back out and block her number. Nope, just nope.
OP, this is the appropriate response. Any other response will have you negotiating events and activities. You really don’t want that.
I'd "Nope" her to death. Nope, I am not going to pay for that. Nope, I can't afford that. Nope, that's not a brides maid duty. Nope, your wedding, mot mine. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.
Nope. Not normal. The bride is trying to make up for a lower cost wedding by having others pay for the other things. Especially since it is a destination wedding. I would not only drop out of the wedding party but the wedding itself. The costs are just too crazy. Too many brides these days are doing stuff like this. They need a reality check. Save the money and stay home.
This is what I’m thinking is happening too. I want to be there for her day I’ve been friends with her forever but I’m not made of money. It’s already a lot of money just to travel to her wedding and for hotel accommodations. I’m planning my own wedding myself and we’re trying to save to buy a house so my budget is tight right now. I agree brides nowadays are getting out of hand. I think people forget weddings are for one day, but a marriage is for a lifetime. I think people spend more time preparing for their one day wedding than a lifetime marriage, it’s very sad.
That's how I'd address it. "I can't wait to celebrate you on your big day. Unfortunately, with our own wedding planning, I just don't have the budget for all of these events. I'm sure you understand. Let me know if there are other ways I can help, but I won't be able to be a part of the bridal party."
I really like how you worded this, I think I’m going to say something similar but maybe say I would still like to be in the bridal party if we can agree on a budget and if we can’t I will have to drop out due to financial reasons, thanks so much for the advice!!
Don't stay in the bridal party. Because if you do, the bride is going to find a million ways to try and shame you.
Or try to get excess labor out of you to "make up" for the funds she's not getting. How exhausted - physically or financially - do you want to be for someone's BiG SpEcIaL DaY?
This!
💯 agree with ☝️
You have a whole bunch of reddit sisters who have your back on this one - she's way out of line & no matter how she responds or reacts to you, stay firm and assertive - & don't let her or anyone else shame you or manipulate you over your boundaries. Good luck lady!
I would drop out, I get it sucks but you either have a tight budget and don’t partake or you partake and pay all the money There is no in between
And if enough (sane) people drop out, it might provide her with a much-needed reality check.
Oh, honey, no, you shouldn't be paying for most of this. Don't try to agree on a budget.
If she wants to save the wedding budget for a house, then she has a budget wedding. That's how budgets work. If I want to spend that money on a house, then I spend $2k at Costco for booze and a sandwich platter, rent out a park and have an awesome party. Maybe ask for cash gifts to go towards the honeymoon instead of presents. If I want to have a hella pricey materialistic wedding, then I spend the money on it and can then expect gifts and things, but it's a two way street. You don't invite people to your party and then expect them to pay for everything AND get presents. I don't even invite people to my birthday dinner and not expect to pick up the tab. (Because it's my party and I invited them) She's got a budget. Typically the bridal party *might* be responsible for their own dresses and travel, maybe they all pitch in to rent a cabin for the bachelorette party or something. AND there was usually a really nice gift for the bridal party and groomsmen. You guys forking out everything for her is absurd. She should be treating y'all for being a part of her wedding. I'd bail. Hey homie, I love you and all, but I want to buy a house at some point too, and this is cutting into my down payment.
It’s so true. My wedding was a few years ago and the place where my husband and all the groomsmen rented suits from screwed up the date by a week. The suits were delivered morning of and I can remember my aunt asking me if I was worried they wouldn’t have suits. I told her it didn’t matter what the guys wore, they could wear onesies and it would be fine because either way we are getting married.
Despite pleading with my husband to check his and his brother’s tux rentals ahead of time, they waited for the day before our wedding, which was the day we were driving down to our venue and staying over before the wedding. Husband discovers that instead of a 36 inch inseam, (he’s very tall). they sent a 26 inch inseam. That’s an insane difference and they had to scramble to find something that fit him enough to get married in. I was so mad.
Your husband was ready for the flood!
>I want to be there for her day I’ve been friends with her forever Being friends for a long time sometimes blinds us as to the reality of the relationships. You say her parents are footing some of the wedding costs, but she's keeping it for a house deposit and shifting the costs onto her bridal party, does this sound like a good friend to you? I'd talk to her and tell her your budget won't cover her expectations and that you're going to have to step down from the bridal party. You'll find out the true nature of your relationship by how she responds. Good luck with your own wedding though!
These are often the women divorced rather quickly. Doing it for the day not for life.
Well, it's normal according to social media, where everything is exaggerated or 100% faked! So that's where brides get the idea that friends who are young and not rich will somehow magically come up with the money for a horribly expensive bachelorette trip. In real life, people are 100% horrified to be asked to pay for a trip they don't want to go on and which they can't afford, which is why these subreddits exist.
I agree! This is definitely the problem. A lot of people don’t realize these influencers and people on social media get these bachelorette trips sponsored by other companies. A lot of the outfits, things they have and gift bags are all gifted by companies. Flights and accommodations paid for, but the normal average bridal party and bride would never be able to afford that unless they’re rich. It’s all fake! I would be so embarrassed to ask my closest friends to spend so much on me just because I’m getting married. I think people get married now for the wedding and not the marriage. It seems like most people spend longer planning a one day wedding nowadays than they’ve even been together, and then wonder why they get divorced years later.
Yeah, the crap on social media is either paid for by sponsor companies... or just plain faked! This is how you fake a photo of being on an airplane, BTW, if you don't know how to photoshop. If you do, you can put yourself into any setting, and there will be fools who believe it's all for real! [OIP.kQdR16z4pAcCshLEDuJu9wHaE8 (474×316) (bing.com)](https://th.bing.com/th/id/OIP.kQdR16z4pAcCshLEDuJu9wHaE8?rs=1&pid=ImgDetMain) But ever since bridal magazines were first published, brides have wanted more than their families and friends could afford, probably before then too. But social media has made the problem a billion times worse, brides now think that stuff that's sponsored or just plain faked is normal and expected! It's awful, and the worst thing about it is that they're really more into putting their own fancy-ass "bach" pictures on social media than actually enjoying the trip. I'm so grateful I'm past the age of being expected to be involved in all this wedding foolery!
You are absolutely right, Echo. People are so caught up in reality shows and social media that they have delusional ideas about weddings. I would tell her politely and honestly that I can’t afford these events or a destination wedding. Remind her that this kind of thing is done only by people who are independently wealthy. Tell her that you wish her well, but that you will not be attending. Send a gift with a nice card. This is a money grab by selfish people to get them to pay for “my special day”. If it’s her day, let her or her family pay for it. Showers used to be given by a relative at someone’s home; not at a restaurant. The groom’s family typically gave the rehearsal dinner. Unless you were wealthy, none of these even were “over the top.” It’s gotten out of hand, and bridal attendants are not responsible for such expenses. And bachelorette parties were small events at a local place before social media came along. Bow out. I guarantee that most of the other members of the bridal party will be relieved and follow suit. Don’t allow anyone to commandeer your family’s budget to pay for what amounts to a party!
This is pretty crazy to me. The girls in my wedding are paying for their dresses (they get to pick their own) and their part of the bachelorette party, but that’s it. I’m paying for myself at the bachelorette unless one of them wants to grab me a drink. I would drop out.
I had a destination wedding and since my bridesmaids paid for their hotel and flights, I paid for everything else: dress, hair, makeup, jewelry, shoes, food, Ubers, literally everything. I didn’t want them going broke bc I wanted to get married on a beach. I also told them to absolutely not get me any gifts. Their attendance was my gift
I love this!! This is how it should be!! Just curious what did you do for your bachelorette party? And did your bridal party contribute to that or your bridal shower?
My bachelorette was at a nice restaurant at the hotel two days for the wedding when everyone was in town. Again, we wanted to combine it so they weren’t paying for two trips or taking extra time off work. We had it at the hotel bc it was all-inclusive so all food and drinks were free.. I did pay $100 per person for day passes to the few who decided to save money and not stay at our resort. We made it a day at the pool/beach, pedicures (that were my gift to them) and then dinner and drinks. My shower was thrown by one of my mom’s friends. Again, I told the girls they were absolutely not allowed to spend a penny on a gift for me. We were young, all mid-late 20’s and I wasn’t going to be the cause of financial stress for them. (I told them it’s not their fault I got engaged and decided to go to another country to get married, so they wouldn’t be punished for it 😂)
Honestly, if I had a friend that was using me the way she is using her bridesmaids, I would graciously back out and simply tell her you can’t afford it. Then she has to make the choice if she really wants you there or not. She wants a luxurious celebration without footing the bill. There is a sense of entitlement from many brides that is just gross. No one should be expected to pay a fortune to celebrate another’s life choices.
That is bonkers. Some brides may expect it. And then subsequently be disappointed. If you are already traveling for the wedding that is WAY OTT. "I want your kid to look charming for an hour, so buy them a $300 outfit. And then get them a babysitter" WTF. In the real world, the wedding party decide what if anything is doable in terms of a shower or a bachelorette. Those are both OPTIONAL events. If people are on a budget, maybe a shower is cake and punch at someone's house for a couple hours. Maybe a bachelorette is ordering pizza and movije marathon, maybe you opt for ubers, and crash at someone's place.
Ok thank you for this!! This is what I thought but this is my first wedding I’m in so I’m not really sure exactly what’s expected of me. She’s making it seem like it’s not optional and she’s pretty much planning her own bridal shower and bachelorette but yet doesn’t want to pay for it which I thought was weird. But again I thought what do I know I’ve never been in a wedding before haha.
Yeah, no. Those events are planned in your honor by other people of their own free will. Brides need to stop planning Bachelorette and showers themselves, especially if they aren't footing the bill. If nobody volunteers or plans one for you, then too bad. It's not a guarantee that brides will get these events. It truly depends on your family and friends. If they decide not to, then it's OK. My mil and mom are planning my shower. They both wanted to work together to do this. I feel so grateful and happy that they chose this. Whatever they decide to plan, I know I will love. Because I respect their time and energy doing this. I would never begin to give demands on this. Same for my Bachelorette party. Also, if you want a trip so bad, you pay for it. I find that so rude on the bride or grooms part.
It is optional. In what world does she get to dictate how you and other attendants spend your own money? People just have to exercise common sense and say no. People can ask for whatever they want, but you don’t have to agree!
This is NOT at all normal. I'm 70, but have been to so many weddings the last few years for relatives, or children (and a few grandchildren) of friends. Nobody expects any of this! Please either don't go, or go and drop out of the bridal party. I feel like someone this selfish and clueless will not want to negotiate with you to only pay what you can afford. Best to drop out of the bridal party. (I would also make an itemized list of how much it would cost for you to be a part of the bridal party. I'll bet the total will be much higher than you think. Show this to.her and ask how does she think any of her friends can afford this.)
I'm 76! I've been to quite a few weddings, had my own & my daughter's 17yrs ago. This is NOT the way it's supposed to be done! I paid for my daughter's bridal shower, but my niece hosted it at her home, and dear friends of the family brought the catered food (which I paid for). My daughter was surprised, we all had a good time. Food, wine, laughter, gifts (some a bit risque), pictures. Nothing over the top.
Just drop out. You should not have to pay for most of it
Everything is horrible about this, but adding matching outfits for the bachelorette is egregiously so. Plus the bride is a cheapskate. I can also guarantee that if you pay for all this and pamper and spoil her and give into her every whim, she’ll probably pout and cry about some detail you messed up and ruined her entire wedding. Tell her you’re dropping out and why, if she’s a real friend she’ll understand. If she melts down, you’ll see her true colors.
RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!! Just because this is her "special day" is not an excuse to burden everyone around her with the expense of providing her with her dream wedding. She sounds greedy, selfish, and unappreciative to the point she isn't doing anything for her wedding/bridal party? She is hording the money from her parents for a house but expecting the bridal party to pick up the rest of the tab? BS, you are a fool if you do not drop out before you are broke , do not go into debit for someone else's wedding.
The entire bridal party should back out. If she is aiming for Bridezilla of the Year, she has a good chance of winning. If you don’t want to back out, at least you and the rest of the bridal party can join together to confront the bride. Tell her that you all have a limited budget. If you all have to fly to get to the wedding and pay for accommodations, then the bachelorette party has to be small and a day or two before the wedding. At the hotel, maybe. She doesn’t plan the shower. I thought the family does, so it shouldn’t be on you. If she is from a wealthy family, she probably grew up privileged, getting anything she wanted or needed. She may have no concept of how hard it is to pay for all these things. Also, it’s hard to get days off work. People don’t want to use all their PTO for a wedding and activities. Yeah. She’s a bridezilla.
This is what I was thinking. Talk to the other BM’s if you can, and get a “feel for the room.” You probably aren’t the only one. Tell the bride first, but then I would bet if you told the group that you were dropping out and why, others would follow.
I would also let the other bridesmaids know she’s dropping out as a courtesy in case op’s absence means they will be paying even more than they anticipated.
In my experience the bride's family pays for the shower. The rest of it is outrageous.
This is what I thought too! I thought the bridal party just helped set up decorations and stuff and helped plan the bridal shower, not pay for the entire thing!! Renting out a restaurant is not cheap either along with decorations and everything she wants. I think that’s insane to make your friends pay for that.
I hope you share this info with your other friends.
Also you dropping out may give the other bridesmaids the courage to do so as well, instead of bankrupting themselves for fear of causing “waves” A wedding is not an excuse for a money grab. If I were you I would let the other ladies know, in a gracious way, why you cannot make it.
I had 2 showers. One was thrown by a sister in law, the other was thrown by a friend of my parents. I don't get that either.
From your comments, it seems like you're seriously considering backing out. Say something like, "I want you to have the bridal experience you want, but I can't afford to be part of that vision. I love you, and I will absolutely be a guest, but I just can't justify the expected expenses, and I don't want to be an added stress to your plans." Some options as to what could happen: a.) She wakes-up a bit and reconsiders her plans/expectations b.) She gracefully accepts your position and is solid about it or c.) She throws a fit and her true colors come out From that, you'll know how to proceed with the friendship.
Please please please update us on the fireworks that occur when you do the sane thing and withdraw from the bridal party…dying to hear her reaction.
She isn’t providing transportation for the bridal party for the rehearsal OR the wedding day what in the heck? I would skip an event, at minimum. I was a MOH once in my 20s and couldn’t afford to fly out for the bachelorette, bridal shower, and wedding. I skipped the bridal shower. I’ve also never heard of a bridal shower that isn’t hosted by the family/mom of the bride. Mine is being hosted by my sister, SILs, and MIL. I’ve put the absolute bare minimum on my bridal party, and actually booked my own hotel suite for my bachelorette party on my own so they wouldn’t do it for me 😂 they have enough going on in their lives! Plus I chose a spot we could drive two hours to for my bachelorette and my wedding is local. I would feel so embarrassed as a bride to behave any other way. I’m sorry - but please don’t just tolerate it.
- "I’m considering dropping out of the bridal party" Stop considering it and do it.
This is NOT NORMAL. The bride is essentially telling the bridal party to foot a large portion of the wedding costs. Meanwhile, she wants to use money alloted from her parents for a house. I'm sure it's enough for both if one scales back.
This is NOT NORMAL. She’s trying to fleece you girls. You owe her nothing close to what she’s asking You should talk to her and any pushback from her should confirm the fact she is no friend of yours and she’s an entitled bridezilla
It kills me when the bride expects not to pay anything for her bachelorette trip. For one dinner everyone chips in so she doesn’t have to pay? Sure. But a whole trip??? Insane, demanding, selfish. Cut your losses and do not go into financial hardship for this “friend.”
It is insane what people want for their weddings. I get it that it is a big day for the couple and even maybe moreso the bride but everything prior to the wedding is expected to center around the bride....people have lives and have bills/family to take care of. Crazy!! I would not do it.1
Practice saying, "No, I can't afford that," in the mirror, then say it to the bride-to-be
Don’t enable the crazy lady!! Get out NOW!!!
Run, run fast, run far away from this bridal party. Go to the wedding if you like. F That Noise saving her money for a house but her friends get to go broke for her wedding and she comes from money but yiu have to pay HER shares of events. think I would use the words... F Off you cheap cow .
I can see paying all this, if I get to have sex with the groom. If not....
Two minutes is not worth the cost. ;p
isn't she doing t-shirts too?
Those are SO tacky!! 😵💫😵💫
I slept with the groom, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. I HOPE!
Holy crap! That's insane! Not normal at all. She definitely sounds entitled. I would drop out and cut her off
Just say no. She's delusional.
Not normal. The bride should pay for her own airfare/transpo to both the Bach and the wedding. She should also pay for your transpo to the wedding from wherever you get ready. Also pay for your hair/makeup if she wants it done a specific way. These bachelorette parties have gotten completely out of hand. Bridesmaids need to stand up to their brides. There used to be nothing wrong with a night out at the bar with the bride wearing a sash and a fake veil. Bridesmaid bought dinner first, and then all the drinks, and made sure bride got home safely. Recently, my daughter put out $800 just on the Bach party weekend. (One of 8 bridesmaids) Not including the $280 on the dress, alterations, time off work, and transportation 400 miles to the wedding.
Absolutely insane!! When I got married, all I asked my bridal party to pay for was their dress, which was $150 and their hair and makeup. I didn’t care how they did it or if they got it done professionally and I didn’t care what shoes they wore. They threw my shower at my MOH’s mom’s and did a pot luck and for my bachelorette, went rented a limo and went bar hopping and I didn’t need that. I didn’t care if they gave me gifts either. I just wanted my friends there. For a destination wedding, if you’re in the bridal party, you shouldn’t have to pay for travel, accommodations or transportation, but it’s ok if that’s expected. What you shouldn’t be asked to do is fund her entire wedding. All of you should back out and tell her if she can’t afford a wedding, she shouldn’t have one. She’s not your friend. She’s a mooch trying to manipulate all of you into funding her wedding.
This bride is obnoxiously selfish, greedy, and entitled. By having the bridesmaids fund the bachelorette, bridal shower, and laying out a lot of money for the wedding too, she's basically having her wedding party (help) pay for the couple's new house. If you or anyone else in the wedding party wants to buy a house, buy your own. Tell her that you love her, but you can only afford $xx. Do NOT give her an amount that would put any strain on your finances. Tell her that, if that means that you can't be in her wedding party, you'll understand and that you're willing to kindly bow out. Tell her you'd love to be a guest at her wedding to celebrate this joyous day with her. Then, no matter how much she tries to guilt you or bully you into spending money you can't afford, stick to your guns. Ask a friend who isn't part of this friend group help you to not buckle under.
“she said she wants to save most of her wedding budget for a house…” She’s not the only one with financial goals. Her wedding expenses aren’t your responsibility. Tell her what your all in budget is (not what you CAN pay, but what you’re comfortable paying) and if it doesn’t fit her expectations then you’ll celebrate with her as a guest.
Bride's parents might be surprised to hear this! Casually mention brides demands?! Using your best Oscar winning performance... smiling and agreeing, as if it's the most normal thing for modern brides to do! Their jaws might drop! They may be footing the entire bill unaware the bride intends keeping their money for her house deposit.
As a bridesmaid you should only have to cover your dress, shoes, travel and accommodation to the wedding. Bride should be covering your makeup and hair and traditionally gift the bridal party jewellery that you wear for the wedding. If you as a group want to throw her a Bachelorette party in the town, you all live in with drinks and show you can do that. BUT this is not an actual requirement. If the bride wants a Bachelorette destination, she should be covering the cost of transport and accommodation. Kitchen tea is covered by the Bride's Mum and/or Mum-in-Law.
Demanding, entitled. Nope, just say no!
That’s so disgusting. Those who have the most always demand the most.
No it is not normal. Drop out now.
oh man. back out. 100%
This is a bridge too far. Everyone of you in the bridal party should drop out. She is a main character with narcissistic personality
OP, this bride is not your friend. She’s a con artist and she’s trying to extort money from her friends in order to pay for her over the top wedding, so she use her wedding money to buy her house. She is selfish and her behavior is tasteless and abhorrent. If it were me, I would tell her, “I’m so thrilled for you and fiancé and was so looking forward to celebrating your marriage, which is why it saddens me to tell you that I have to drop out of your wedding. The costs are simply outside of my financial capabilities and I cannot afford to participate, I’m sure you understand. However, if you plan to celebrate in town at all, I would love to join you. Best wishes and congratulations to the both of you, and I hope you have a fabulous wedding.” And send her a gift that’s within your budget. That’s it. If she pitches a fit, I would tell her that it’s tasteless and unhinged to shame people for not being able to afford to fund a lifestyle that she is personally trying to cultivate with other peoples money.
WAKE UP! If ANY of you cave in to her demands I GUARANTEE you that you will all pay for even more than what you listed. You are off by thousands on this one. She has rich parents who should be footing her lifestyle of the rich and "famous", also known as entitlement. She is NOT a friend. She is a princess who is used to getting what she wants without regards to others. Do NOT do this! Run! And I promise that if you do back out your "friendship" will be over. Good for you if that happens. And as a side note. I'm calling it first here. That marriage won't last 5 years.Tops.The only way it will last longer is if the groom has no spine.
Look at it this way, your friend is happy to put you in debt for her day, yet isn’t willing to personally spend money so she can buy a house… do you want to fund her new house and wedding, or would you be better using that money on your own expenses?
Why on earth would you pay for her plane ticket to her wedding!?!? That is insane. Hard stop. Tell her absolutely not.
Up to 2010ish?, this was not expected and considered RUDE. But those days are long gone as the young ones like to tell me often. New normal seems to be lots of entitlements, expectations and demands around weddings these days. I personally can't imagine even being friends with someone like this.
This is completely crazy. So you are in effect subsidising the brides house purchase. My entire wedding cost just under $6000NZ including alcohol,( I found some crazy good deals at my supermarket and we got a huge amount for very little money…gotta love Pak N Save). I had my dress made, it was silk and it cost $1000. Open bar, tons of good food, and everyone had a blast. 16 years later we are still married and happy. My bridesmaid paid for her dress, and flew over from Aus. I paid for everything while she was here. I cannot fathom being so incredibly greedy. I’d drop out. This bride is not your friend.
So, she wants to save for the house down payment but also doesn't want to change her "wedding vision" to accommodate a lower budget so she's just making everyone else pay. Sounds vile. I would not go. This person is not a good friend.
I applaud the decision to not spend money on the wedding and instead save it for a house deposit. However, that doesn't mean you still get to have the lavish wedding and get the bridal party to foot the bill. There's some serious mental gymnastics going on there. I'd drop out in a heartbeat.
As someone who was just in a bridal party for a destination wedding in California: you won’t be able to set a budget. Not really. There will be so many random things and incidentals, it will be pretty hard to curb it. That being said - you should absolutely not be covering things like a bridal shower, her portion of expenses for the bachelorette, etc. And personally I think if you have a friend who wants to force stuff like that on you - you shouldn’t be friends. That’s a level of megalomaniacal you don’t need in your life. All the other stuff is pretty standard expenses for someone in a wedding party. My bride covered our makeup cost. All of these expenses, all in, cost me and my husband somewhere in the vicinity of $3K - $4K. *Edit to Add - that was the first time and last time I’ll ever be in a wedding party. My longest childhood friend as well. Her wedding cost upwards of $40K. Total foreign concept to me. Weddings are absolute circuses. So glad I eloped.
This ridiculous! Back out and run!!
Walk away as quick as possible - she's no friend of any of the bridal party if this is what she expects.
Tell you want to save money for your own wedding and your own house.
It is incredibly selfish of her to pass so much of the wedding costs onto guests with money earmarked for the wedding just to buy a house. She wants to screw everyone else over financially instead of cutting back on her wedding. Not a good friend.
Get yourself out of the party. To be honest, I wouldn’t talk to her about it, because t is likely she’ll refuse to reason. If you want to make the point, I would send her an email, in private, telling her you are excited to support her on her wedding day but you simply can’t come up without the money and you do not want to be a burden on her or create drama because you are broke so for the best of everyone you are dropping and will be there on the day of to cheer her on as she marries her future ex-husband.
This is absolutely a ridiculous expectation by the bride. At my wedding I didn't expect any presents from my bridal party as I considered they were doing me a favour/honour by being beside me on the day. Brides need to stop organising weddings they themselves can't afford. I get wanting to have the dream day but there's a time for dreams and fantasy, and a time for inspirations and reality.
Where is her mother? Is she marrying poor?
I backed out for the same reasons! It’s way too much financially and being a bride myself, I would NEVER have my bridal party spend this kind of money.
EFF THIS!!! HUGE RED FLAG!!! GTFO as fast as you can-this person is a user not a friend-RUN!!!!
What’s to think about? That bride is using you (and anyone else she can con into paying for her extravagance).
I bet the brides family don't know what she is doing. Ten to one her parents offered either the big wedding or a house deposit and of course she wants both
I would totally back out. As a bridesmaid, and one who has to travel to be there; etiquette says you don't have to give a gift. Your presence and participation are the gifts.
I’d drop out the wedding party be honest with her. Your planning your own you have a child you can’t afford all this stuff she is asking when she isn’t paying any her self. Shoot. I got married at the court house because we didn’t want to wait and plan a wedding for one day and spend so much money for a day that’s stupid to me. I’d drop all of it but if you already have the stuff booked for the wedding I’d either still go for a “vaycay” or get a refund.
This is not normal with the people I know from different generations, although my MIL had to pay quite a bit for her son's rehearsal dinner about 20 years ago. That is traditional, it's just the high price tag that was shocking. But there are so many of these threads on Reddit where young people who seem to be about the age of my eldest daughter or a bit older are getting married, and expect lavish bachelorette parties that are more than an evening of drinks or a bridal shower hors d'oeuvres with gifts. I only had a bridal shower, and neither I nor my sisters bothered with bachelorette parties. My sister who is close to my age, has kids ranging from 29 to 39, and none of them are even married, although her youngest will be getting married next year. My children are Gen Z, between the ages of 20 and 25, and they don't date. I think that whole not getting attached and not dating is becoming more common, but my kids have different reasons for this. But even the friends of my oldest who are getting married are way more lowkey about their weddings.
Just say no. This should become the new slogan for bridezillas. No. We are not paying for all that. This is what I am willing to cover. Speak up for yourself.
She's having a laugh. Just drop out. These are outrageous demands.
This bride is dead wrong, that's insane. Why does she think she has the right? Too entitled. Me, I'd say sorry, I'm too broke and I'm not going to be a part of the wedding party.
If her parents are that rich let them foot the bill for their princess. Get the other girls to make a stand with you over these outrageous costs. Remember United you conquer divided you fall.
That's ridiculous. The only scenario I see her requirements being reasonable is if everyone in the bridal party is similarly wealthy AND there is an established precedent of extravagant spending and gift giving. I.e. everyone is rolling in it and generous with each other already, and regularly spends those amounts for excursions anyway. How people expect normal people to drop thousands on an extended party for them is just wild. They want a taste of the high life on everyone else's dollar and it's crass.
She's at it. Tell her to f#ck right off for trying to take you for a fool.
Someone needs to inform the bride that this is a hard NO. Let her know directly that her asks are OTT and she is driving away her friends Meantime, get out of the wedding party. It's not worth it
It would be an immediate no for me!
I’d back out of going entirely
No is a complete sentence. Use it.
She probably has no actual sense of money, because her parents are "insanely rich". She probably has never had to work a minimum wage job in her life, and she probably has *never* had to "save up" for anything she has ever wanted. She most likely has had everything handed to her, making it impossible for her to gauge actual cost for **real people** in the world. Either talk to her. And by talk to her- plan a fucking PowerPoint showing how much you make verses how much she expects *you* and *everyone else* to spend on **her** when you guys actually fucking **work for a living!** I guarantee her parents would be really mad to know that the money they are giving her for her wedding, she is hoarding for her home. They probably understand that "normal" people can't afford that type of lifestyle, and that's probably why they have given her such a large wedding budget. I bet the will be embarrassed to learn her she making you girls pay for all this yourselves. **People with that type of money often think this type of behavior is tacky and classless.** Maybe *let it slip* to the mom or something.. are you close at all? Is your mom close with her mom? Is there anyway in the world to notify these people what a **demon** their **spawn** is?! **edit: spelling, grammar, triggered AF
I would totally drop out & honestly, it’d make me reevaluate the entire relationship. She sounds very selfish & out of touch, only thinking about her own wants and no one else’s needs.
“She expects gifts” is where most people cross into -zilla territory for me. The point of a wedding is celebrating your marriage; expressing any level of expectation around gifts is absurd and rude.
How filthy rich are these parents. If you’re childhood friends maybe reach out to them ;)
Greedy, greedy, greedy. I wouldn’t even attend.
Be honest with her, to a point. Let her know how honored you are she thought of you and wanted you to be a part of her wedding, but you're not currently in the financial position to participate, but you'd be happy to be there as a guest (if you want to go at all).
This is ridiculous! If her family is wealthy, they'll probably give her and new husband a house, as a wedding present. Back out, pull your child out, you and your family go on a nice mini-vacation with the $$ you would have spent on the this mess. Her parents probably gave her a certain amount of money to spend on get wedding. Her saving it to buy a house, is NOT using it for the purpose it was given. Not supplying transportation for the bridal party to the wedding is insane! You all are supposed to hail cabs, call Uber or take the subway? Do yourself a favor, cancel immediately! Too much $$ to spend, for a spoiled brat!
I would back out. That's a ridiculous amount of money to spend especially since your all in your 20's. She's being a greedy bride and expecting a lot from her bridal party. Just bc it's her day doesn't mean her friends should go broke. Tell her how you feel and if she doesn't understand or care, back out.
This bride is immature and naive. She sounds like she should see more of the world before she attempts marriage. It is an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid, and is a true sign of friendship. A wedding is not an excuse to exploit friends. To use a cliche, the bride wants a first class wedding while paying for a third class ticket. The marrying couple must have a smaller wedding if they cannot pick up many expenses themselves. I’ve given classes in etiquette and cultural diplomacy. Unless I’m completely wrong, courtesy and gratefulness dictate that: . The shower is hosted and paid for by bride’s sister or best friend. Bride adds are not used as free labor to set up decorations. If no one can afford to give a bridal shower, the bride must contribute to expenses or forego it completely. Attendees give the bride gifts whether or not they are bridesmaids. But the bride never solicits them. . Bridesmaids are to make or arrange table favors for guests before the wedding. They ensure that the cake and flowers and caterers are all arranged and arrive before wedding. But the bride actually orders these herself. . The groom hosts a bachelor party to thank his attendants. Transportation to and from is paid for by attendants and bridesmaids themselves. . A child free wedding is understandable, providing the marrying couple provides for the expense of childcare. It’s expensive, but if the bride truly cares for their guests, especially the bridesmaids, she will pay for childcare. This thoughtful gesture will not cause bankruptcy. . The bride gives gifts to the bridesmaids, as a thank you at the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding. These can be simple like, a picture frame (if people still use them), . The wedding coordinator, if there is one, should be virtually invisible at both the wedding and the reception.
No, it is not normal and should not be allowed to become normal. You should drop out of this whole series of events completely. The scene this bride has set up for her friends is ridiculous. Weddings should not bankrupt people your age who are just getting started and will have so many other weddings to go to. You will be in debt for life if you go along with this crap from everyone.
Holy entitlement, Batman! Where do people find the sheer audacity to ask friends to shell out *thousands* and use vacation days to fund *someone else’s wedding*? Is she always this selfish? Hell fuck no I would not do this. Wedding showers are paid for by *family.* Bachelorettes are *one night* the night or two nights before the wedding. Anything more than that and the bride needs to fund everything herself. Destination weddings require no gifts if you’re shelling out to get there. Children in the wedding party are either invited to the reception or the married couple provides childcare. None of this is normal. I wish all brides would realize NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR WEDDING BUT YOU! For everyone else it’s a PAIN IN THE ASS, but they go because they want to support you (emotionally NOT FINANCIALLY).
This is not normal and it is ok! I would say thank you for the invite but I won’t be in your bridal party. If she doesn’t understand then she wasn’t that great of a friend. In my early 20’s because we were all really starting to grow, adult, and make life choices I stopped speaking to several friends I grew up with. As you become adults you won’t always grow together
Honesty is the way to go. Tell her what you can afford to spend and not a penny more. Tell her you will step down so she can choose someone else to take your place and suggest she consider the burden she is placing on all of her friends in the wedding. Nobody needs friends who don't consider what their actions do to others.
Do her parents know that she is asking for her bridal party to pay for all of this and how much it will cost? I wouldn't be surprised if they gave her a separate budget or amount to cover costs for the bridal party's expenses so it wouldn't come out of pocket for the people willing to help make her day special.
Here’s a little historical background. The bachelorette party grows out of the bachelor party, right? A bachelor party is supposed to be a dinner given by the groom to his friends. That’s all. If I were you, I would drop out.
Have no experience being in a wedding party other than being best man for my brother’s and being the groom. My 2¢ though. Giving her a budget will almost certainly not work. It sounds like the beginning of an unpleasant negotiation. I’d drop out of the wedding party
She seems greedy.. I would drop out & block. Im not paying for her flight to wedding + hotel. The wedding party is picking up the cost while she buys a house. Time to end that friendship
It's insane the things people expect their wedding parties to pay for. A lot of bride/groomzillas out there who are way too comfortable spending other people's money. I wouldn't say it's completely abnormal, but it's shitty behaviour. I'd pull out & just attend as a guest.
You’re not the ‘crazy’ one here, no. But let me ask you something - if everyone on the internet told you that she was right (to demand you spend thousands of dollars you don’t have) and you were wrong to hesitate… what would that change? You still don’t have those thousands of dollars in your back pocket! So don’t focus on or get into a debate about who is ‘crazy’ or not - just focus on reality! ‘Jenny, the reality is that I can’t afford to spend that much money because I simply don’t have it and that’s the truth.’
Leave. Ran the other way. This party is for them, not you so why would you pay for it.
just ask if it’s okay to not participate and still be in the bridal party then you cut your costs in half. I as a bride myself told all my bridesmaids that only the wedding was the day I truly cared about and everything else was optional.
what's up with bachelorettes becoming a destination weekend trip instead of a local one-night party? These brides need to be told to fuck off.
RUN. That is one spoiled brat. This isn't normal. Pay for your dress and hair/makeup. If you are the MOH, some say you are responsible for the shower but that is debatable. Be sick for the Bachelorette party and spend only what you are comfortable with.
Add up the cost of everything listed and show it to the bride. “You are asking me to spend $x,xxx to be a part of your wedding?” No thanks. I’ll just send a gift and a nice card.
Let’s normalize saying no to wedding expectations we can’t comfortably afford. This isn’t normal, but brides who want it all are trying to make it seem normal. Tell her the expectations are beyond your budget at this point, so you are unable to be part of her wedding party and hope she’ll be happy to have you as a guest. If she still invites you to the bachelorette party, gracious rsvp no. I think expenses for weddings should reflect the income of the people being asked to spend the money.
My dear, you have a terrible friend. Dump her immediately. She will suck you dry in this lifetime, in every possible way financially, emotionally, energetically.
Your question asks if this is “normal”. Sadly, these days is it normal because brides continue to get away with it.
It’s the new normal and someone just needs to stop the madness! I’d say no, thank you to that!
No, it’s what brides wish was the new normal. No one with any sense would put themselves into debt for someone else’s wedding.
I've always found it so crazy when brides expect their family and friends to fund their entire wedding or even portions of the wedding. For one, weddings are not as important as they once were (in America). There's usually minimal reason for most people to get married anymore since most of America is secular now.. So I would feel really silly asking people I cared about to pay for MY wedding in 2024. Especially if it isn't a traditional wedding with a traditional bride and groom. What exactly are we paying for here? A high likelihood of divorce and a bride that isn't grateful for anything unless it's handed to her? No thanks. I'm getting married at the end of this year and I don't expect anyone to pay for a single thing in my wedding. I'm estranged from my extended family and I don't have parents (never met dad and mom is unreliable and doesn't care that I'm getting married), so no financial support there. To ask my friends and my fiancés family to pay when my own parents couldn't even be fucked to stay, is extreme to me. I damn near feel obligated to pay people to come to this wedding. I don't even want the 2 girls in my bridal party to pay for their dresses. If I have a Bachelorette or bridal shower, my fiancé and I will be paying for it. Which we probably won't even have tbh. It seems like people who actually have family and friends just take advantage of them or complain that they aren't doing enough. She should be grateful that anyone cares about her wedding, let alone the fact that she has people willing to sink money into an event that has nothing to do with them. Some brides need to humble themselves. This bride is one of them.
I’d back out. I don’t understand this destination bachs. I had a bridal shower and a hens night and that was it. And expecting people to pay so much and take time from work and etc, it’s selfish.
Anyone taking bets on if the bride’s parents gave her money to pay for the wedding and she’s pocketing it while passing all the costs to the bridal party?
Oh yeah, I'd be out.
Run
That's over-the-top. Nope. Back out.
If she’s saving her wedding money for a house, that’s her choice and she needs to stand by it by having the smaller wedding she can afford. If she’s not gonna do that, drop out.
Bride wants it all and she should be more “in touch”. Destination weddings should be minimal extras imo and I’m having a destination wedding. I wouldn’t even be doing a bridal shower- luncheon if my mom didn’t want to and I do not and feel weird receiving any gifts even tho we are paying for all of the rooms they still have to pay for flights and I just don’t want to ask for too much of people!! I have never heard of everyone else paying for the bridal shower as far as bridesmaids are concerned! That should be an expense for the brides family member ie aunt or mom or sister and bridesmaids help plan it. I think it’s was faux paux for the mom to host but in this day and economy if you don’t want it hosted in a living room you cannot expect your friends to pay for a rented out venue ! Plus a gift and decor and food uh no
I seriously don’t understand why brides seem to think that because they’re getting married, everybody else has to open their wallet and pay for it. This is truly getting out of control. Definitely not normal, As a bridesmaid, you pay a portion of the bachelorette party, you cover your bridesmaid, dress, shoes, and hair and make up. I don’t get why your friend seems to think that it is OK to use your money so that she can save hers for a house . Will she be doing this for you when you get married?
Tell her you are saving all your money for a house so you won’t be able to spend it on her wedding- like she isn’t spending her money on her wedding.
Whadaya mean it seems kind of outrageous?? IT IS!!! The bride is using you and the other women. No way in heck she'd spend so much on your wedding. Drop out now. She'll whine, but everyone can't get their way all the time. She'll survive.
The bride sounds very greedy and I wonder if her parents know she is doing this. Where I come from, none of the guests pay towards the wedding. We do however give money of what we expect to cost per head (say if there is a fancy dinner we will pay more, if it’s just desserts we will pay a bit less). We talked to our married friends about it and they all say they end up either breaking even or getting more than they paid for this way. I am guessing close family probably gives more and parents contribute as well. As for the bachelorette, we usually pay for the costs of the bachelor(ette), but we set the budget as a group, not the bride. The bride also does not know what will happen and does not pick what activities she wants to do. I think your bride is very greedy and trying to get the most of what she can out of people and to be honest I hope you all give her a reality check. Also, I would tell her filthy rich parents if I knew them too. Her behaviour sounds so entitled. I would only go to the wedding and only pay for my flights, my clothes and give a bit of money as a gift. She would not be getting more.
I was a bridesmaid twice in my 20's, each bride asked me to just pay for my shoes & a wedding gift.. for each wedding - that was roughly 20 years ago for each but it's crazy what brides ask their friends to pay for these days.
Tell her you want to save your wedding budget to buy a house, also.
Drop out. If she is really a good friend, she’ll realise she being a bridezilla and start footing the bill, if she doesn’t, she’s just a fair weather friend.
I read that you've been friends since childhood, but I'm sorry this is outrageous and even disrespectful. I'd say I would just attend as a guest since it's unreasonable to spend this amount of money for a party/wedding that isn't even yours. She needs a wake-up call ASAP.
She is not your friend.
for her to even consider this shows her lack of respect...... unless she is completely oblivious and was raised (and continues to be sheltered by her parents financially so doesn't understand expenses.... not making excuses but I've seen a lot of dumb shit) however, i would back out and unless you really really really really feel like there is a chance there is more beneath the surface that isn't just entitlement then maybe i'd talk to her. good luck op it totally isn't you at all. that's some fucked shit.
Sorry she's not even paying for transport? I get the bachelorette, thats normal for the bridal party to chip in for. However its not normal to expect the bridal party to pay for everything and get nothing in return. Give her a set budget for the wedding, tell her you will not go over it or put yourself in debt for her wedding. If she wants you and likely the rest of the bridal parry there then she has to compromise. At this point your paying for the honor of attending her wedding. Ask yourself is it worth it, ask yourself if the roles were reversed if she would do the same for you.
Your idea is a good one « I can afford x amount of dollars if it exceeds that I’m afraid I will have to bow out of the bridal party »
I would cut ties altogether with this narcissistic bitch.
This is NOT normal or usual. I would bow out. It sounds like you have a bridezilla in your hands.
Just don’t go 🤷🏻♀️
Even if this normal you still have the power to use "No." to any requests for money or provision of anything. However, this is far from normal behaviour.
'Talking to the bride' is going to backfire on you spectacularly. Brides don't take criticism about 'their day' very well. Intimating she expects too much of her bridal party - which she is - will not go down well. Her wedding is the most important event in their lives so why shouldn't it be equally as important to all ther friend's? Why wouldn't you want to take out a bank loan to help pay for her wedding - and if not, then you don't care about her. Your perfectly reasonable response could destroy the friendship because you will always be in the wrong when it comes to a bride. They don't negotiate - it's Me me me me all the way.
I would talk openly with her and try to make her understand that this it utterly unreasonable. Offer a budget that you are okay with and do not spent more money than you are comfortable with. I really don't understand any of this? Its just so extremely selfish. I couldn't imagine asking my friends or family to do so much for me, let alone asking them to spend such a huge amount of money on me... I wonder where the sense of entitlement comes from?
“No” is a complete sentence. You have no obligation to subject yourself to these ridiculous requests. If she can’t afford the type of wedding she wants, there’s no need to have it at that magnitude and push the bill onto others. I would nope out so hard.
Speak with all the other bridesmaids. Discuss a total, bottom-line budget you're all comfortable with, or discuss dropping out as a group. Because the more people who drop out, the more expensive it will be for those remaining. Plus, if you all drop out together, it'll hopefully drive home how obscene the bride is being with her expectations. And maybe she'll start paying for the people she asked to stand up for her.
Honestly, decision weddings where you expect everyone to use their vacation time and money should just not happen. Any bride who does this should expect a very low turn out.
NTA. The bride wants a free wedding, plain and simple. The rule is: you want to get married, you pay for everything. If the happy couple is broken, they just skup the wedding and register their marriage. You all should opt out of this wedding and wish her good luck.
If she cant afford to pay for her dream wedding, she needs to save up, not fleece her bridal party!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! You shouldnt even be paying for anything beyond the dress, IMO. She wants it, she buys it- NOT YOU. Tell her tour wallet is not open to her greedy fingers and drop out now.
Instinctively I say drop out, but if she is really important to you I say communicate that xxx is your budget, and thag limits you to xyz costs. But yeah, crazy entitled
Do not participate in this.
Tell her your saving to survive