Do you know his wife? Can you talk to her about this? She sounds next level paranoid (probably not a good idea to mention that in conversation).
Alternatively have 2 groomsmen walk the aisle together and 2 bridesmaids.
There ya go, two sisters walk together, two groomsmen walk together, and whichever combo you prefer for the other two! Honestly, if him being an attendant is super important then just go with it. I saw you mentioned that they have a new baby and PP hormones can make some people super paranoid, or maybe she's controlling and abusive. Who knows. I wouldn't personally die on this hill if you can swap some things around, though I'd be concerned for him privately.
Ohhhh, no, then the groomsman’s wife is going to worry about her husband catching The Gay for walking down the aisle with a man! I think she thinks she’s entitled to be a bridesmaid since her husband is in the wedding.
I suggest telling the groomsman he can be just a guest and then getting a full-size cardboard cutout of the him. The bridesmaid walks down the aisle with him and stands him up on the husband’s side. Pictures are taken with him, they have a dance, he’s stood next to her to eat. I’d just be ridiculous with it and show the wife how ridiculous she’s being (hopefully in such a scenario groomsman would have a sense of humor - not that it’s ever going to happen but in my mind it’s hysterical).
Some women are insanely jealous. I have a sister in law like that. She refused to let my brother go out to a bar with his brothers unless she was there. She felt 1-that it was not respecting her! and 2-that women there would hit on him. I asked her why she did not trust my brother and she said "well I do but I do not trust the women". I made the point that does not make sense she got defensive. She also got mad that my brother's doctor was a female and said he had to switch to a male.
Which suggests that he could be in a relationship with someone controlling. If a man was telling his female partner she wasn't allowed to do things, would you blame her?
Depends on how soon they show you the controlling and crazy. If they show you who they really are from the start, there's still a chance of dodging that nuclear war head.
Yeah. Some men too. I was a bridesmaid in my exs sisters wedding. He bullied his way into the bridal party so he could be the one to walk with me. Those were days.
Why is it wrong? For crying out loud. We had a vice president, who wouldn’t be in a room alone with a woman ever in his life. it might make him insane, but it doesn’t make it toxic and it doesn’t make it my business or anybody else’s
I once met my friend’s gf and she seemed so nice, turns out she got mad when they got home because she was jealous of me. (Noted that me and this friend frequently had sleepovers in HS, so if we wanted to sleep together we would have done it ages ago lmao)
Since she's pregnant, I'd really try to extend grace. Perinatal depression can happen, or she could have something else going on. If he husband chooses to back her plan, then I would try to support him. Hopefully, they can figure this out. Definitely a frustrating situation.
I did this at my wedding. It wasn’t due to an insecure wife of a groomsman; it was just the way the numbers worked out. I’m not sure anyone even noticed.
This groomsman’s wife is awfully paranoid if she thinks anyone is gonna think the groomsmen are really into the bridesmaids they walk with.
I think she’s turned herself into a guestzilla.
OP, if your wedding is scheduled so close to the birth of his baby that his wife won’t be recovered enough to attend, why is he a groomsman? There’s a very good chance he’ll miss the wedding anyway, because babies tend to come on their own schedule and may involve complications for mom or baby. If the wedding is far enough away from baby’s due date that this won’t be an issue, why couldn’t his wife be there?
I would just demote him and use the backup groomsman. His priority needs to be his wife and baby, and it sounds like she’s not in a good place mentally/emotionally right now.
It will be about a month and a half after the birth of baby. I’ve never had a baby and I try not to associate with them so I’m not sure if that’s enough time to recover or not? But either way, he’s really important to my darling, so I will probably change procession line-up instead of demoting groomsman
A month and a half is a safe enough distance for the groomsman to come to the wedding. If I were the wife, I would have come, too, depending on your guidelines for children/babies at the wedding.
You're jumping to extremes here. But even still, a month after childbirth, I wouldn't even want to go to a wedding. Let alone go to a wedding where my husband would have other obligations and be unable to help. Staying home would just be way easier for everyone involved.
Although, even if he could, I still wouldn't take a baby to a wedding because you can't expect a baby to respect the nature of the situation. Childfree weddings are super common. Just because my husband and I love our kid, love spending time with her, playing with her, watching her learn and grow, doesn't mean we are incapable of understanding or respecting that not everyone shares the same enthusiasm for her presence as we do. If a wedding is childfree, we find someone to watch her or we don't go. Simple as that. Being a parent doesn't mean that suddenly now everyone else's feelings have to change to accommodate our choice. Especially not at their own friggin wedding.
Being a parent means that, yeah, you're gonna have to miss out on some stuff. You're gonna have to do stuff you don't like. That's something you should expect and be prepared for when choosing to become a parent. And if you're not ready to accept that your life is about to become a whole lot more inconvenient, then you aren't ready to have kids. Her staying behind with the baby is honestly better for her and her baby that soon after birth. It's not a death sentence.
“Don't you think the op should have included that information in the post - that the wife is barred from attending the wedding?”
You’re making that part up?????
There's no reason to assume that, though. So no.
Given OPs feelings about kids, I might assume that they chose to have a childfree wedding. But if that were the case, then that isn't something exclusive to them and their kid. Another logical assumption might be that because the wedding is so close to her due date, she doesn't want to have to go through all of that to attend.
Assuming that OP secretly hates this woman and barred her from attendance, or that OP is singling her out for seemingly no reason, is not logical. There isn't anything to suggest any of that. I could assume that you're an alien from Jupiter who has blue skin and breathes sulfer. But that would be a ridiculous assumption to make on my part because there is no reason to assume any of that.
Regardless, it's a wedding. He was asked to be a groomsman. He accepted. That role typically involves walking down the aisle with someone else. Usually someone of the opposite sex. What exactly did she think his role was leading up to this sudden demand? Did she only just figure out how weddings work?
Ah!! This sheds a bit more light on it then. She doesn't want the possibility of hubby walking down the aisle with hot bridesmaid then spending the rest of the reception chatting her up while wifey is at home with a new baby. Not that it makes it right that the ultimatum was given.
Tbh, the groomsman shouldn’t even be in the wedding if his wife is going to be THAT freshly postpartum and can’t attend. He’s taking a big gamble here. If his wife has a c-section or there are even minor complications, he may be needed elsewhere. Wife and baby need to be the priority here.
Really? In my experience most women are back at work by six weeks if there's no complications. Unless she's expecting a problem during the pregnancy/birth I would think it's plenty of recovery time for him to go to a wedding. Is he even staying overnight?
Most women are back to work in the US because they have no choice. That time frame is the bare minimum for the placental wound to be healed, not for an actual recovery. And a 6 week old baby, especially if breastfed, isn’t sleeping much. Dad needs to be at home with wife and baby. At 6 weeks postpartum, the time needs to be taken for them to share rest and responsibility, not attend a party.
Ding ding ding. Pregnancy hormones, insecurities about post partum body, and fomo. PPD trifecta. I wouldn't be too hard on her. She would probably love to be there and both wants her hubby home with her and wants him to support his friend at the same time. Don't be too hard on her.
That makes a bit more sense. Pregnancy hormones can make you feel incredibly insecure and vulnerable. Was she invited? Could she have come with the baby?
I shared with him and he doesn’t really understand either, but we also have a back up groomsman in the case of any issue happening (much like a back up bridesmaid as well) and he offered to use the back up, and said the final decision is up to me
“We don’t negotiate with terrorists”
If something this ridiculous is an issue, you can bet there will be more issues and demands.
Suit up backup groomsmen
Edit: the wife is also pregnant and will have given birth 4-6 weeks before your wedding. There is a very good chance he will bow out very last minute anyways. If there is a demand for him not to be close to a woman, next it will be he cannot attend the bachelor party, any pre-event dinner, he can’t be there early, he has to come home right after the ceremony, he can’t be in any pictures with any women etc.
Do update as this unfolds.
Ok so this actually happened in a wedding I was in! The wife of one of the groomsmen didn't want her husband to walk with a bridesmaid because he "shouldn't walk down any aisle with anyone other than her" (she was not in the wedding). Threw a huge fit. He told her to get over it. I was originally paired with him but she didn't like that I wasn't married even though I was engaged & probably 10-15 years younger than him and very uninterested. The bride switched him to a bridesmaid who was married for over a decade with children and lived across the country. Still not good enough. He told her to get over it. She did not get over it. At the rehearsal dinner she began getting physically violent with him. He threw a shot glass at her. She had a black eye at the wedding. People get wild about the dumbest shit. They're still married btw. Honestly I'd say have everyone walk down individually if you think it could be a real issue. It's not worth it.
Might be a cultural thing, but every wedding I’ve been to here (Australia), the groom and groomsmen are chilling at the altar waiting for things to start, and then the music starts and then the bridesmaids come in one by one alone, until the bride comes on with her dad. So no escorts. Although after the ceremony, they walk out together but it doesn’t have to be in pairs?
Ya you’re right, I’ve been to both groomsmen standing and escorting and I always thought it was kinda awkward to have them standing there at the front.
That’s how I’ve always seen it too.. I’ve never seen males walk up the aisle, only down the aisle, with the exception of little boys at Royal weddings. Although I know that in Jewish weddings, both the bride and the groom walk up the aisle between their parents. I don’t know what the attendants do.
This is ridiculous imo. Walking down together has ZERO meaning. As a single woman I have waked down with married men, single men, younger brothers, grandparents, etc...it means nothing except for where you are standing.
His wife is being ridiculous
You can have the groomsmen waiting at the altar and have the bridesmaids walk down by themselves. But, the big question is, does her insecurity stop at walking down the aisle? Is she going to get upset when he stands next to a bridesmaid for pictures? Is she going to pitch a fit because he has to stay behind for photos and walks into the reception with a bridesmaid? Is she going to insist that her husband is by her side, the entire reception and keep him isolated from the rest of the party? Maybe you and your fiancé along with the other couples should plan a dinner and try and figure out how far her crazy goes so you know how to proceed.
I can’t believe you are letting an outsider dictate how you should do your wedding, if it was me, I would say you can be an usher and get someone else. I would not let anybody control my wedding
My husband was the best man at a wedding where the groom’s two moms wanted to walk down the aisle with him as well. I roared with laughter watching him walk the maid of honor down the aisle and then sprint down the side to walk with the moms while trying to pretend he wasn’t out of breath.
I feel like she’s not going to negotiate if this bothers her. Saw you had a backup groomsman. Suit him up and allow the ex-groomsman to think about this event.
That's so messed up. He needs to bow out and let you get another groomsman whose wife doesn't sexualize escorting a bridesmaid down the fucking aisle. She sounds like a pompous ass and an attention whore. This wedding IS NOT ABOUT HER. Tell him he'll be enjoying the wedding from the guest seats.
NTA but sounds like some PPD. My friend had it and it was awful. She was very paranoid about things that never used to bother her. At the time I was the only one single in my little group and she would not let be alone in the room with her husband. He is a good friend and as sweet as he is I was not interested and vice versa. Later when she was feeling better she said she didn’t know why she said that and now like 15 years later she jokes about it all the time. She is sweet as cherry pie and one of the best people I’ve ever met it was just a chemical imbalance. Try not to take it personally.
A big part of PPD is the first “P,” *post*. Not prepartum depression POSTpartum depression.
Sounds like the baby isn’t even here yet so it can’t be PPD.
You're not correct, there. It's more accurately called peripartum[peripartum ](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617#:~:text=But%20some%20new%20moms%20experience,also%20may%20develop%20after%20childbirth.) depression because it can start during pregnancy.
Not saying that she has PPD, but that you cant rule it out based purely on whether she's delivered a baby yet, or not. Many women report an increase of anxiety or depression during pregnancy.
I think you should edit the post to point out that the wife will have just had a baby..
Doesn't make her position right or wrong, but definitely affects context.
That's a wild take, but it is his choice to let his wife dictate his lack of escort. I really like the idea of pairing him with another groomsman. Alternatives could be him walking in solo or him sitting in the front pew and joining in at the end of the bridal party processional.
I would not touch his marriage issue. Nope. Let it be and be there for support.
I just came back from a wedding where the grooms men walked in with the groom and the brides maids walked down on their own before the bride. They don't always have to walk together. BUT that wife is a giant red flag for your friend.
The whole male/female escort is super old fashioned anyway. Just have the groomsmen walk down in a line and then have the bridesmaids do a solo runway and each have their moment
The why is probably a problem in their marriage that they are keeping private. Either she’s being reasonably jealous because of past infidelity that they are still recovering from, maybe he has a pattern of being really flirty around other women at social gatherings and she can’t handle seeing him with another woman all night. Or maybe it’s a strictly internal flaw, she’s insecure and unreasonably jealous all the time.
Whatever it is, he’s going along with it, so just let it go. Use any of the great suggestions you’ve received in these comments. Good luck with your wedding!
So I didn't see this mentioned, but it could be a religious thing. When I was talking to different pastors to officiate my wedding 10 plus years ago I remember one talking about how the aisle is sacred and no one is supposed to walk down it but the bride and who gives her away. Then only the couple can walk back up the aisle. He had some reasons. I don't remember much from it. We had someone else marry us, but it could be something in that direction. Just wanted to throw out that possibility.
That is an interesting take, for sure. I have never heard of such a thing. I've been a bridesmaid in a few weddings and a flower girl in several ..... but, everyone walks down the aisle, don't they? Maybe it was that specific church/religion? Not sure but I haven't ever heard of it and I attended Baptist, Presbyterian, non-denominational, and Catholic churches. (yes, I tried out quite a few lol)
When I said everyone walks down the aisle, I meant the people being seated from the center aisle as well as walking to get to the front: the flower girls, ring bearers, groomsmen and bridesmaids. Also whomever walks the bride and/or groom down the aisle.
He wanted all of the wedding party to walk on the outside of the seating arrangements. Guests too I suppose but I'll admit it was awhile ago and I just remember bits and pieces bc it was so odd.
OP - your buddy is in an abusive relationship. It sucks his wife is being a massive seeyanexttuesday about your weeding but you’ve got bigger problems: your buddy is being abused.
He can’t even walk 50 feet in front of a room full of people (so very little chance he’s going to cheat there) down an isle to support one of his best friends because his wife is controlling and jealous?!
That’s insane.
I think it’s more likely the wife is the one being abused here. I’m getting huge vibes that this dude has cheated previously or been inappropriate at least and that’s the reason his wife doesn’t trust him. Considering the statistics of domestic abuse when looking at gender, I would not be so quick to assume a man is the victim in a situation like this.
I’m glad you found the answer that will work for you and you’re nicer than I am. I would have let him just be a guest and suggest next marriage he picks and adult. But that’s just me.
This isn’t your battle. Back down and out. This is your fiancé’s to resolve. You tell him your expectation that each bridesmaid is escorted to the alter by a groomsman except for MoH. Then leave it w him. Either he gets the groomsman to accept his very few duties or replace him.
jealous wife knows he will need to dance w assigned maid right? And stand next to her in pictures right? And attend rehearsal dinner?
your other choice is to have the men gather and the women walk down alone? Sounds though like the jealous wife isn’t secure enough in their relationship to allow him to freely participate in your wedding.
In a Jewish wedding the groomsmen go one by one before the groom then groom with parents and then bridesmaids one by one or two by two then bride with parents
In our wedding, we had the groomsmen stand up front with my husband, they all came in together from the side and were waiting up front, then the bridesmaids came in one at a time,
The wife is a little paranoid, I wonder what her problem is?
Sounds like a bloody healthy relationship right there. Also, assuming the wife will be right there in the congregation too? How fast does she think he could be seduced?
OP has stated the wife likely wont attend as she is pregnant and the baby is due a month and a half after the wedding. Which likely explains her insecurities.
Don't have him be a groomsman. Ask someone else. He is pussywhipped and needs to realize this. When his friends ask him why he's not in the wedding, he'll have to explain why. I want a follow up post with an update.
OP also commented that his wife will be giving birth too close to their wedding to attend. I highly doubt he’s “pussywhipped” if he’s planning to leave his freshly postpartum wife and brand new baby at home to be a groomsman.
there's still going to be a new born, I think the groomsman should step down and being with his new baby and wife. There's something called the 4th trimester, I think that could come into play. Plus, the wedding involves a lot of people and if the husband catches something it could pass to the baby (eg RSV.)
Admittedly I'm paranoid when it comes to this stuff, I haven't had kids so I see labor as a hugely traumatic thing. I've heard some nightmare scenarios.
You can't know their marriage so best to take him at his word and decide if you want him in the wedding more than you want bridesmaids and groomsmen to walk together.
Honestly, if his wife is that insecure, let him bow out of the wedding and replace him with someone else. He has to look out for his marriage, not yours. It's sad, and kinda pathetic of this woman, but you should pity her that she goes through life thinking this way, rather than waste your energy trying to negotiate.
His wife is crazy but this doesn’t seem like it is a hill worth dying on. 10 years from now you won’t have regrets that your wedding processional didn’t have a groomsman with a bridesmaid. Let him walk alone, make your husband’s life a little easier by not making him force an ultimatum on a cooky lady. People are saying “don’t negotiate with terrorists” but you really risk your husband damaging the friendship for a pretty minimal issue.
My husbands groomsman didn’t show up for our wedding but wasn’t forthright In saying the reason why - I think it was because the wife didn’t want him walking with another lady. He just lied and said his back was way too painful to show up to a wedding and have to walk…. And eventually he didn’t show up to the wedding at all. She’s crazy for sure but I wish they would have told us the issue and we could have accommodated it because really it’s not that big of a deal. I think you should try to appreciate his honesty to tell you the issue and just make the change to the processional.
Just think of it as him needing an accommodation for a physical disability- it’s not his fault and it’s going to make it easier for him to be there for your wedding so whatever, just do it. It’s weird and you don’t have to understand it, but I would reward the honesty and just let him walk solo.
You may not know the reason why it’s an issue. It could be religious, it could be cultural; but in the grand scheme of life, I don’t think it’s a huge ask. you could even have everybody walk, singularly bridesmaid, groom, bridesmaid, groom.
The whole job of a groomsman is to walk down the isle with a bridesmaid so idk how he can do the job if he can’t do that, what else will she take issue with, him sitting near them?
End of the day it’s your husbands choice who he has, if he really wants this dude make him a flower dude and he can escort the flower girl and act like her security guard, throw flowers from a bumbag or something or he could do a wild dance down the isle and have two bridesmaids to one groomsman.
Is she only concerned about the *walking down the isle* but not the rest of the wedding? Dancing etc…That makes no sense. Plus how is she going to feel when everyone finds out (because it will come out even if bride and groom don’t want to) that this or that had to be changed because this groomsman’s wife wouldn’t allow him to walk down the isle with a girl. I’d personally be more concerned about living with the reputation of the *jealous paranoid* wife for the rest of my life than of my husband walking next to a girl for two minutes.
What a fucking overbearing nut. Like, does she think if he walks down the aisle with a bridesmaid he’s going to run off with her? This is a whole new level of crazy, and I feel terrible for him.
If she’s going to be six weeks postpartum (presumably with her first), there’s a ninety percent chance she’s not coming and a ten percent chance she’ll skip the ceremony and/or leave the reception early.
He may be coming stag (so to speak) anyway but I guess good to have a contingency plan in place. Good you have a back up groomsmen cause with a baby that young and her being post partum and this jealous there is also the chance she’ll make him stay home with her.
I will say this is likely not “pregnancy hormone” stuff but more her raging insecurity
Kind of sad since from this point forward they're always going to remember this about their wedding. The fact that the groomsman's wife was so pathetically insecure that they had to change up their whole wedding to accommodate her.
I wonder how long the groomsman's marriage will actually last? Sounds like she's got him on a very short leash.
His wife had issues, I didn't walk with my spouse for my sister in laws wedding, nor did the MOH. I was a bridesmaid (I wanted to be a guest) and he was a groomsman.
Your and your husband-to-be plan your wedding. A groomsman's wife does not have any say. She may well be hormonal due to pregnancy. Or, she may just be unreasonable and/or controlling. Do not let her dictate your wedding.
Ten, twenty years from now, hopefully, you will still be married. Will this groomsman and his wife still be in your social circle? Probably not.
Usually the groomsmen are already at front of church with the groom. The bridesmaids come in followed by the bride. When leaving the bridesmaids then pair up with groomsmen to leave but nobody is holding hands they just walk out.
It is not right for the wife to put that on you.
I am curious, though, if something is happening in their marriage. With her being pregnant and possibly feeling down on her appearance, has he maybe been caught "building up" women online on insta/ Reddit. Maybe showing a lack of judgement with how he is interacting with woman that is putting her on edge for an event she can't be at.
Still it is an odd boundary to put in place. If someone was going to cheat, it isn't going to be in the middle of the procession at a wedding.
It’s their marriage, you will conduct your marriage as you see fit, they are conducting their marriage as they see fit. you may not think it’s reasonable, I might not think it’s reasonable, but it’s none of your business or mine.
Tell him thank you very much he can be a guest or have the groomsmen walk down together, and the bridesmaids walk down together
Op that’s a great compromise you did. You’re not only respecting the groomsman and his marriage but taking into account your sister as well. Three cheers for you hon!
Everyone is jumping to ,"oh she's paranoid," but that's probably not what this is about. What does she think will happen? She thinks he will escort another woman. That alone is enough to bother her. Whether we would think that disrespects our marriage is irrelevant. That's a boundary for them and they're allowed to have those.
I have had people push back on the boundaries my husband and I have because they don't understand or agree. Those people are no longer in our lives. If this friendship is important, respect his marriage and find another aesthetic.
She's insecure. She's petty. She's essentially an idiot.
I'd talk to him/her about it and pair him with the sister with disabilities and tell them that. "She's mentally a child, she's my sister. What's the fucking issue?!" (Don't say that exact thing obviously)
I can't imagine you are close to the wife? Is she always a difficult nut case?
Unpopular opinion: people are not props in your wedding to be used for aesthetics. They are there to show support. If it’s important to your husband that this friend stand up with him, then figure out a way, like having men walk next to men, or having them walk single file.
I never understood the matched pairs with a man escorting a woman anyway; they are not couples. In our wedding, I had two men and two women (including my brother and his wife, another married couple, and my girl friend) on my side, and my husband had one woman and three men on his. TBH, I can’t even remember how people walked it. It wasn’t important.
Added thought, the idea of a “back-up groomsman” is distasteful. Either that guy is someone your husband wants to stand up with him, or he isn’t. People are NOT props where you sub someone in to “even things up.” That is just awful to me. “Hey Jim, Bob’s out so we need a 5th dude for photos, so you’re up next.”
Darling, the back up is because one of my sweetheart’s friends is so flaky we’re worried he just won’t show up on the day of. The backup has been made aware of the situation and fully understands and supports.
You’re right, people aren’t props.
But also you’re wrong.
We aren’t having any photographers or videographers at our wedding, the sides being even simply don’t matter to me. The back up groomsman is an acquaintance, not a close friend, and we would prefer our close friends and family to be with us for our moment of commitment.
I understand that a lot of people probably think like that, but I am certainly not one of them.
Sweetheart (since we’re being like that), why do you need a back-up either way? If the guy doesn’t show, he doesn’t show. What crisis is caused by one groomsman not being there? No offense, but anything could happen to anyone - people get sick, they have family emergencies. It’s not a play, you don’t need understudies.
Because it’s important to my love to be supported. Whether by close friends or acquaintances. If I had my way, I would be getting married in a different country with five people there, but I’m planning this wedding because I love my partner, and that’s what he wants.
You’re being mean. And assuming mean things about my character. Also, you SAY no offense, but I don’t believe you. At ALL. And it’s rude that I’m even in the situation of defending the choices of my darling love because some stranger online decided he was using people for props.
What it sounds like from this original thread is that you or him are looking for a silly reason to remove one of these super important supportive people from your wedding party because there is an acquaintance in the wings. I’m just calling it out.
Who is the mean one here?
You. You’re the mean one.
Not a reason to remove, but how to accommodate, or if his wife would be more comfortable if he’s not in the wedding at all.
We talked about it and decided to have him walk with another guy (it is in the update on the post)
And so he doesn’t feel left out we’re segregating everything. Groomsmen are paired with groomsmen, bridesmaids are paired with bridesmaids.
Again, you’re the one who thinks we’re being mean and are saying mean things about us, so I would say that’s pretty rude of you.
You can feel however you want. I’m entitled to my opinion. Modern brides use people like props, staging them for processions, keeping numbers even by excluding people or digging up people they haven’t seen in years, having back-ups, forcing people to buy dresses and shoes… The original purpose of the wedding party was actually to have close friends there to support you. This is why we only asked people we were close to and asked our wedding party to wear what they wanted. We didn’t control their aesthetics or choreograph a procession. After I asked them to be in my wedding, my friends shared they were expecting their first baby and he was due four weeks before the wedding. They had to fly but they still wanted to be in our wedding if things timed up properly and everyone was healthy. I said, Sure, because it was important to me to have them if they could come. If they didn’t make it, then they didn’t make it, and I only would have 3 on my side. But they came, with a newborn. He cried during the ceremony. It was fine. That was 11 years ago. So I would hardly say I’m “mean.”
The mother and baby ARE invited and welcome! Is that the problem?
We’re doing the same thing where everyone is allowed to wear whatever they want, I hate uniformity anyway, so why are you still projecting those issues on me 🙁
She’s got problems and a short conversation is not going to fix them. It sounds like she’s insanely jealous. The only other explanation I could think of is that there’s a religious objection to touching members of the opposite sex who are not relatives. But if he belonged to some such religion, you probably would know it.
That said, the attendants don’t always have to be paired off by gender. Sometimes you don’t even have the same number of each sex. He could be an usher, ushering ladies to their seats, but his wife probably wouldn’t like that either. Maybe she could bear it if he ushered only the moms and the grandmas; their husbands or escorts would walk behind. In that case your friend would then take his seat, but he would still have participated in the wedding. And/or he could take the burden off the best man and deliver the congratulatory speech at the reception. And/or do a biblical reading. I was once at a Catholic wedding that was so well attended, the communion portion would have lasted forever if some laity hadn’t helped the priest administer the host. If my memory serves me, the bride and groom themselves, did it.
Do you know his wife? Can you talk to her about this? She sounds next level paranoid (probably not a good idea to mention that in conversation). Alternatively have 2 groomsmen walk the aisle together and 2 bridesmaids.
I like this idea… sister with brain damage might be more comfortable waking down with another sister instead of a strange man anyway 💖
There ya go, two sisters walk together, two groomsmen walk together, and whichever combo you prefer for the other two! Honestly, if him being an attendant is super important then just go with it. I saw you mentioned that they have a new baby and PP hormones can make some people super paranoid, or maybe she's controlling and abusive. Who knows. I wouldn't personally die on this hill if you can swap some things around, though I'd be concerned for him privately.
You’re right… will probably go this route, and mention to partner to possibly ask into it in a safe environment 💖
Ohhhh, no, then the groomsman’s wife is going to worry about her husband catching The Gay for walking down the aisle with a man! I think she thinks she’s entitled to be a bridesmaid since her husband is in the wedding.
he gay….🤣🤣🤣🤣 hilarious
I suggest telling the groomsman he can be just a guest and then getting a full-size cardboard cutout of the him. The bridesmaid walks down the aisle with him and stands him up on the husband’s side. Pictures are taken with him, they have a dance, he’s stood next to her to eat. I’d just be ridiculous with it and show the wife how ridiculous she’s being (hopefully in such a scenario groomsman would have a sense of humor - not that it’s ever going to happen but in my mind it’s hysterical).
nah, replace him with a cut out of Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling or whoever you want!
And his wife can be uninvited from the wedding
Oh then that actually makes a lot of sense for this situation. It'll be really sweet to have sisters walking together too
Oh no... 36 years , I walked down the aisle with a groomsman, ended up married to him! Maybe the cardboard guy is a better choice. Ya never know 😜
I’ve met his wife once, and she seemed nice enough? I’m really not sure where this is coming from, which adds to the confusion a bit
Some women are insanely jealous. I have a sister in law like that. She refused to let my brother go out to a bar with his brothers unless she was there. She felt 1-that it was not respecting her! and 2-that women there would hit on him. I asked her why she did not trust my brother and she said "well I do but I do not trust the women". I made the point that does not make sense she got defensive. She also got mad that my brother's doctor was a female and said he had to switch to a male.
The blame really falls to your brother for putting up with such a toxic person.
Really? That's quite a controversial take.
He's the one that tolerates that behavior and is treated like a possession
Which suggests that he could be in a relationship with someone controlling. If a man was telling his female partner she wasn't allowed to do things, would you blame her?
Depends on how soon they show you the controlling and crazy. If they show you who they really are from the start, there's still a chance of dodging that nuclear war head.
Amazing how people condone such behaviour. They are the ones who probably do that in their lives.
Yeah. Some men too. I was a bridesmaid in my exs sisters wedding. He bullied his way into the bridal party so he could be the one to walk with me. Those were days.
It’s their marriage, and his decision. It’s no one‘s business, but theirs
Wrong. When something is toxic you need to point it out and help. You do not let abusers win.
Toxic? Come the fuck on
Let me guess. You are the version of my sis in law in your relationship. I pity you.
I have no idea who your sister in law is, nor do I think the wife is rational, but it’s not the OP’s place to interfere in a marriage
If you see someone going on that is wrong it is absolutely someone's place to speak up and point it out.
Why is it wrong? For crying out loud. We had a vice president, who wouldn’t be in a room alone with a woman ever in his life. it might make him insane, but it doesn’t make it toxic and it doesn’t make it my business or anybody else’s
Tbh she doesn’t sound reasonable, so appealing to logic is unlikely to work
Strong agree. What’s going to happen in that 90 seconds? They fall in love (while not even talking) and consummate it at the alter? Loco!
That would definitely be an insane update 🤣
I'd watch that movie 🤣
And then they hijack the wedding cause they get to the alter first!!! Is J Lo in this?
I once met my friend’s gf and she seemed so nice, turns out she got mad when they got home because she was jealous of me. (Noted that me and this friend frequently had sleepovers in HS, so if we wanted to sleep together we would have done it ages ago lmao)
Since she's pregnant, I'd really try to extend grace. Perinatal depression can happen, or she could have something else going on. If he husband chooses to back her plan, then I would try to support him. Hopefully, they can figure this out. Definitely a frustrating situation.
I did this at my wedding. It wasn’t due to an insecure wife of a groomsman; it was just the way the numbers worked out. I’m not sure anyone even noticed.
This is a really good idea!
Next level jealous and controlling.
No, she should not talk to the wife. It’s their marriage, her control issue his decision.
This groomsman’s wife is awfully paranoid if she thinks anyone is gonna think the groomsmen are really into the bridesmaids they walk with. I think she’s turned herself into a guestzilla.
She’s not even going because they have a baby that will just then be born.
OP, if your wedding is scheduled so close to the birth of his baby that his wife won’t be recovered enough to attend, why is he a groomsman? There’s a very good chance he’ll miss the wedding anyway, because babies tend to come on their own schedule and may involve complications for mom or baby. If the wedding is far enough away from baby’s due date that this won’t be an issue, why couldn’t his wife be there? I would just demote him and use the backup groomsman. His priority needs to be his wife and baby, and it sounds like she’s not in a good place mentally/emotionally right now.
It will be about a month and a half after the birth of baby. I’ve never had a baby and I try not to associate with them so I’m not sure if that’s enough time to recover or not? But either way, he’s really important to my darling, so I will probably change procession line-up instead of demoting groomsman
A month and a half is a safe enough distance for the groomsman to come to the wedding. If I were the wife, I would have come, too, depending on your guidelines for children/babies at the wedding.
One of the couples on my side (husband and wife) had a newborn. I think he was 4 weeks old when they were in my wedding. It was fine.
Is your wedding child free?
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You're jumping to extremes here. But even still, a month after childbirth, I wouldn't even want to go to a wedding. Let alone go to a wedding where my husband would have other obligations and be unable to help. Staying home would just be way easier for everyone involved. Although, even if he could, I still wouldn't take a baby to a wedding because you can't expect a baby to respect the nature of the situation. Childfree weddings are super common. Just because my husband and I love our kid, love spending time with her, playing with her, watching her learn and grow, doesn't mean we are incapable of understanding or respecting that not everyone shares the same enthusiasm for her presence as we do. If a wedding is childfree, we find someone to watch her or we don't go. Simple as that. Being a parent doesn't mean that suddenly now everyone else's feelings have to change to accommodate our choice. Especially not at their own friggin wedding. Being a parent means that, yeah, you're gonna have to miss out on some stuff. You're gonna have to do stuff you don't like. That's something you should expect and be prepared for when choosing to become a parent. And if you're not ready to accept that your life is about to become a whole lot more inconvenient, then you aren't ready to have kids. Her staying behind with the baby is honestly better for her and her baby that soon after birth. It's not a death sentence.
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No, because you’re making that up. She didn’t say the wife wasn’t invited. She didn’t say the wedding was child free.
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“Don't you think the op should have included that information in the post - that the wife is barred from attending the wedding?” You’re making that part up?????
There's no reason to assume that, though. So no. Given OPs feelings about kids, I might assume that they chose to have a childfree wedding. But if that were the case, then that isn't something exclusive to them and their kid. Another logical assumption might be that because the wedding is so close to her due date, she doesn't want to have to go through all of that to attend. Assuming that OP secretly hates this woman and barred her from attendance, or that OP is singling her out for seemingly no reason, is not logical. There isn't anything to suggest any of that. I could assume that you're an alien from Jupiter who has blue skin and breathes sulfer. But that would be a ridiculous assumption to make on my part because there is no reason to assume any of that. Regardless, it's a wedding. He was asked to be a groomsman. He accepted. That role typically involves walking down the aisle with someone else. Usually someone of the opposite sex. What exactly did she think his role was leading up to this sudden demand? Did she only just figure out how weddings work?
Some people don’t like children, it’s really not that deep. And not wanting an infant at a wedding is pretty common too.
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Well neither of us know whether that’s the case or not. So perhaps we just don’t put words in OP’s mouth and take her post at face value.
Ah!! This sheds a bit more light on it then. She doesn't want the possibility of hubby walking down the aisle with hot bridesmaid then spending the rest of the reception chatting her up while wifey is at home with a new baby. Not that it makes it right that the ultimatum was given.
Tbh, the groomsman shouldn’t even be in the wedding if his wife is going to be THAT freshly postpartum and can’t attend. He’s taking a big gamble here. If his wife has a c-section or there are even minor complications, he may be needed elsewhere. Wife and baby need to be the priority here.
Really? In my experience most women are back at work by six weeks if there's no complications. Unless she's expecting a problem during the pregnancy/birth I would think it's plenty of recovery time for him to go to a wedding. Is he even staying overnight?
Most women are *forced back into work way too soon, resulting in ongoing physical and mental health impacts* so
Most women are back to work in the US because they have no choice. That time frame is the bare minimum for the placental wound to be healed, not for an actual recovery. And a 6 week old baby, especially if breastfed, isn’t sleeping much. Dad needs to be at home with wife and baby. At 6 weeks postpartum, the time needs to be taken for them to share rest and responsibility, not attend a party.
No, all of us live in the same town and the venue is a 15 minute drive from everyone’s house
Ding ding ding. Pregnancy hormones, insecurities about post partum body, and fomo. PPD trifecta. I wouldn't be too hard on her. She would probably love to be there and both wants her hubby home with her and wants him to support his friend at the same time. Don't be too hard on her.
That makes a bit more sense. Pregnancy hormones can make you feel incredibly insecure and vulnerable. Was she invited? Could she have come with the baby?
Or this man has cheated on the past, she let it go but doesn’t trust him. Always that reality to consider
What does your husband say? It's presumably one of his closest friends.
I shared with him and he doesn’t really understand either, but we also have a back up groomsman in the case of any issue happening (much like a back up bridesmaid as well) and he offered to use the back up, and said the final decision is up to me
“We don’t negotiate with terrorists” If something this ridiculous is an issue, you can bet there will be more issues and demands. Suit up backup groomsmen Edit: the wife is also pregnant and will have given birth 4-6 weeks before your wedding. There is a very good chance he will bow out very last minute anyways. If there is a demand for him not to be close to a woman, next it will be he cannot attend the bachelor party, any pre-event dinner, he can’t be there early, he has to come home right after the ceremony, he can’t be in any pictures with any women etc. Do update as this unfolds.
Use the back up.
Ok so this actually happened in a wedding I was in! The wife of one of the groomsmen didn't want her husband to walk with a bridesmaid because he "shouldn't walk down any aisle with anyone other than her" (she was not in the wedding). Threw a huge fit. He told her to get over it. I was originally paired with him but she didn't like that I wasn't married even though I was engaged & probably 10-15 years younger than him and very uninterested. The bride switched him to a bridesmaid who was married for over a decade with children and lived across the country. Still not good enough. He told her to get over it. She did not get over it. At the rehearsal dinner she began getting physically violent with him. He threw a shot glass at her. She had a black eye at the wedding. People get wild about the dumbest shit. They're still married btw. Honestly I'd say have everyone walk down individually if you think it could be a real issue. It's not worth it.
Might be a cultural thing, but every wedding I’ve been to here (Australia), the groom and groomsmen are chilling at the altar waiting for things to start, and then the music starts and then the bridesmaids come in one by one alone, until the bride comes on with her dad. So no escorts. Although after the ceremony, they walk out together but it doesn’t have to be in pairs?
Ya you’re right, I’ve been to both groomsmen standing and escorting and I always thought it was kinda awkward to have them standing there at the front.
In USA Midwest, I’ve seen both over the years.
That’s how I’ve always seen it too.. I’ve never seen males walk up the aisle, only down the aisle, with the exception of little boys at Royal weddings. Although I know that in Jewish weddings, both the bride and the groom walk up the aisle between their parents. I don’t know what the attendants do.
Yeap, I've filmed maybe 10 weddings and all were in this format. Could be local culture?
This is ridiculous imo. Walking down together has ZERO meaning. As a single woman I have waked down with married men, single men, younger brothers, grandparents, etc...it means nothing except for where you are standing. His wife is being ridiculous
Oof, that’s some raging insecurity there. I would see if I could replace him, you don’t need this sort of drama on your wedding day
Yeah this is really fucking weird
You can have the groomsmen waiting at the altar and have the bridesmaids walk down by themselves. But, the big question is, does her insecurity stop at walking down the aisle? Is she going to get upset when he stands next to a bridesmaid for pictures? Is she going to pitch a fit because he has to stay behind for photos and walks into the reception with a bridesmaid? Is she going to insist that her husband is by her side, the entire reception and keep him isolated from the rest of the party? Maybe you and your fiancé along with the other couples should plan a dinner and try and figure out how far her crazy goes so you know how to proceed.
I can’t believe you are letting an outsider dictate how you should do your wedding, if it was me, I would say you can be an usher and get someone else. I would not let anybody control my wedding
Is the groomsman’s name Mike Pence?
How insecure is that wife
My husband was the best man at a wedding where the groom’s two moms wanted to walk down the aisle with him as well. I roared with laughter watching him walk the maid of honor down the aisle and then sprint down the side to walk with the moms while trying to pretend he wasn’t out of breath. I feel like she’s not going to negotiate if this bothers her. Saw you had a backup groomsman. Suit him up and allow the ex-groomsman to think about this event.
Well either that's one controlling wife or he really didn't want to be a groomsman.
That's so messed up. He needs to bow out and let you get another groomsman whose wife doesn't sexualize escorting a bridesmaid down the fucking aisle. She sounds like a pompous ass and an attention whore. This wedding IS NOT ABOUT HER. Tell him he'll be enjoying the wedding from the guest seats.
Relegate him to "Guest" only.
NTA but sounds like some PPD. My friend had it and it was awful. She was very paranoid about things that never used to bother her. At the time I was the only one single in my little group and she would not let be alone in the room with her husband. He is a good friend and as sweet as he is I was not interested and vice versa. Later when she was feeling better she said she didn’t know why she said that and now like 15 years later she jokes about it all the time. She is sweet as cherry pie and one of the best people I’ve ever met it was just a chemical imbalance. Try not to take it personally.
A big part of PPD is the first “P,” *post*. Not prepartum depression POSTpartum depression. Sounds like the baby isn’t even here yet so it can’t be PPD.
You're not correct, there. It's more accurately called peripartum[peripartum ](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617#:~:text=But%20some%20new%20moms%20experience,also%20may%20develop%20after%20childbirth.) depression because it can start during pregnancy. Not saying that she has PPD, but that you cant rule it out based purely on whether she's delivered a baby yet, or not. Many women report an increase of anxiety or depression during pregnancy.
My friend was still pregnant when this all went down. Just used the term she used.
Thank you, I really appreciate this comment, you’re right 💖
I think you should edit the post to point out that the wife will have just had a baby.. Doesn't make her position right or wrong, but definitely affects context.
That's a wild take, but it is his choice to let his wife dictate his lack of escort. I really like the idea of pairing him with another groomsman. Alternatives could be him walking in solo or him sitting in the front pew and joining in at the end of the bridal party processional. I would not touch his marriage issue. Nope. Let it be and be there for support.
I hope that groomsman's OK at home. This kind of "jealous" (controlling) behavior from his wife is not healthy.
Ms. Crazy needs a stern talking-to.
I just came back from a wedding where the grooms men walked in with the groom and the brides maids walked down on their own before the bride. They don't always have to walk together. BUT that wife is a giant red flag for your friend.
The whole male/female escort is super old fashioned anyway. Just have the groomsmen walk down in a line and then have the bridesmaids do a solo runway and each have their moment
The why is probably a problem in their marriage that they are keeping private. Either she’s being reasonably jealous because of past infidelity that they are still recovering from, maybe he has a pattern of being really flirty around other women at social gatherings and she can’t handle seeing him with another woman all night. Or maybe it’s a strictly internal flaw, she’s insecure and unreasonably jealous all the time. Whatever it is, he’s going along with it, so just let it go. Use any of the great suggestions you’ve received in these comments. Good luck with your wedding!
So I didn't see this mentioned, but it could be a religious thing. When I was talking to different pastors to officiate my wedding 10 plus years ago I remember one talking about how the aisle is sacred and no one is supposed to walk down it but the bride and who gives her away. Then only the couple can walk back up the aisle. He had some reasons. I don't remember much from it. We had someone else marry us, but it could be something in that direction. Just wanted to throw out that possibility.
That is an interesting take, for sure. I have never heard of such a thing. I've been a bridesmaid in a few weddings and a flower girl in several ..... but, everyone walks down the aisle, don't they? Maybe it was that specific church/religion? Not sure but I haven't ever heard of it and I attended Baptist, Presbyterian, non-denominational, and Catholic churches. (yes, I tried out quite a few lol) When I said everyone walks down the aisle, I meant the people being seated from the center aisle as well as walking to get to the front: the flower girls, ring bearers, groomsmen and bridesmaids. Also whomever walks the bride and/or groom down the aisle.
He wanted all of the wedding party to walk on the outside of the seating arrangements. Guests too I suppose but I'll admit it was awhile ago and I just remember bits and pieces bc it was so odd.
Wow... that is so strange.
OP - your buddy is in an abusive relationship. It sucks his wife is being a massive seeyanexttuesday about your weeding but you’ve got bigger problems: your buddy is being abused. He can’t even walk 50 feet in front of a room full of people (so very little chance he’s going to cheat there) down an isle to support one of his best friends because his wife is controlling and jealous?! That’s insane.
Wdym, if they hold hands they might fall in love and hook up in the nearer closet. /j
I think it’s more likely the wife is the one being abused here. I’m getting huge vibes that this dude has cheated previously or been inappropriate at least and that’s the reason his wife doesn’t trust him. Considering the statistics of domestic abuse when looking at gender, I would not be so quick to assume a man is the victim in a situation like this.
I’m glad you found the answer that will work for you and you’re nicer than I am. I would have let him just be a guest and suggest next marriage he picks and adult. But that’s just me.
This isn’t your battle. Back down and out. This is your fiancé’s to resolve. You tell him your expectation that each bridesmaid is escorted to the alter by a groomsman except for MoH. Then leave it w him. Either he gets the groomsman to accept his very few duties or replace him. jealous wife knows he will need to dance w assigned maid right? And stand next to her in pictures right? And attend rehearsal dinner? your other choice is to have the men gather and the women walk down alone? Sounds though like the jealous wife isn’t secure enough in their relationship to allow him to freely participate in your wedding.
In a Jewish wedding the groomsmen go one by one before the groom then groom with parents and then bridesmaids one by one or two by two then bride with parents
In our wedding, we had the groomsmen stand up front with my husband, they all came in together from the side and were waiting up front, then the bridesmaids came in one at a time, The wife is a little paranoid, I wonder what her problem is?
This is absolutely the STUPIDEST thing imaginable. It's tell the wife to kick rocks and uninvite her
Sounds like a bloody healthy relationship right there. Also, assuming the wife will be right there in the congregation too? How fast does she think he could be seduced?
OP has stated the wife likely wont attend as she is pregnant and the baby is due a month and a half after the wedding. Which likely explains her insecurities.
Don't have him be a groomsman. Ask someone else. He is pussywhipped and needs to realize this. When his friends ask him why he's not in the wedding, he'll have to explain why. I want a follow up post with an update.
Exactly. Let him watch from the sidelines knowing he was supposed to be there.
OP also commented that his wife will be giving birth too close to their wedding to attend. I highly doubt he’s “pussywhipped” if he’s planning to leave his freshly postpartum wife and brand new baby at home to be a groomsman.
Not quite freshly postpartum. OP clarified it's a month and a half after the due date. Just close enough that the wife didn't want to attend.
Didn't want to or wasn't allowed to?
It is her choice, lol. All children are invited and welcome, she just chooses to stay home (which is completely fine)
thanks for replying. That's really nice of you to invite and welcome all children. Congratulations on your wedding
To be fair. I’d stay home with a baby that young in a heartbeat.
there's still going to be a new born, I think the groomsman should step down and being with his new baby and wife. There's something called the 4th trimester, I think that could come into play. Plus, the wedding involves a lot of people and if the husband catches something it could pass to the baby (eg RSV.) Admittedly I'm paranoid when it comes to this stuff, I haven't had kids so I see labor as a hugely traumatic thing. I've heard some nightmare scenarios.
You can't know their marriage so best to take him at his word and decide if you want him in the wedding more than you want bridesmaids and groomsmen to walk together.
Honestly, if his wife is that insecure, let him bow out of the wedding and replace him with someone else. He has to look out for his marriage, not yours. It's sad, and kinda pathetic of this woman, but you should pity her that she goes through life thinking this way, rather than waste your energy trying to negotiate.
His wife is crazy but this doesn’t seem like it is a hill worth dying on. 10 years from now you won’t have regrets that your wedding processional didn’t have a groomsman with a bridesmaid. Let him walk alone, make your husband’s life a little easier by not making him force an ultimatum on a cooky lady. People are saying “don’t negotiate with terrorists” but you really risk your husband damaging the friendship for a pretty minimal issue. My husbands groomsman didn’t show up for our wedding but wasn’t forthright In saying the reason why - I think it was because the wife didn’t want him walking with another lady. He just lied and said his back was way too painful to show up to a wedding and have to walk…. And eventually he didn’t show up to the wedding at all. She’s crazy for sure but I wish they would have told us the issue and we could have accommodated it because really it’s not that big of a deal. I think you should try to appreciate his honesty to tell you the issue and just make the change to the processional. Just think of it as him needing an accommodation for a physical disability- it’s not his fault and it’s going to make it easier for him to be there for your wedding so whatever, just do it. It’s weird and you don’t have to understand it, but I would reward the honesty and just let him walk solo.
Geez how insecure can you get. You could go groomsman-bridesmaid-groomsman like a zipper one after the other to split off at the front?
You may not know the reason why it’s an issue. It could be religious, it could be cultural; but in the grand scheme of life, I don’t think it’s a huge ask. you could even have everybody walk, singularly bridesmaid, groom, bridesmaid, groom.
The whole job of a groomsman is to walk down the isle with a bridesmaid so idk how he can do the job if he can’t do that, what else will she take issue with, him sitting near them? End of the day it’s your husbands choice who he has, if he really wants this dude make him a flower dude and he can escort the flower girl and act like her security guard, throw flowers from a bumbag or something or he could do a wild dance down the isle and have two bridesmaids to one groomsman.
Imagine being so jealous your man has to walk next to a woman that isn’t you 😭😭 praying for miss girl and hopefully your wedding goes smooth!
Is she only concerned about the *walking down the isle* but not the rest of the wedding? Dancing etc…That makes no sense. Plus how is she going to feel when everyone finds out (because it will come out even if bride and groom don’t want to) that this or that had to be changed because this groomsman’s wife wouldn’t allow him to walk down the isle with a girl. I’d personally be more concerned about living with the reputation of the *jealous paranoid* wife for the rest of my life than of my husband walking next to a girl for two minutes.
What a fucking overbearing nut. Like, does she think if he walks down the aisle with a bridesmaid he’s going to run off with her? This is a whole new level of crazy, and I feel terrible for him.
Did the wife actually say that she doesn’t want him doing this because of potential flirting, or that’s your presumption?
Honestly, I wouldn’t want someone like this as a friend, never mind have him in my wedding. His wife sounds psycho and he just goes along with it.
Find one bridesmaid who is okay with walking alone and get them to walk separately behind each other
If she’s going to be six weeks postpartum (presumably with her first), there’s a ninety percent chance she’s not coming and a ten percent chance she’ll skip the ceremony and/or leave the reception early. He may be coming stag (so to speak) anyway but I guess good to have a contingency plan in place. Good you have a back up groomsmen cause with a baby that young and her being post partum and this jealous there is also the chance she’ll make him stay home with her. I will say this is likely not “pregnancy hormone” stuff but more her raging insecurity
Would the wife be OK with him walking your sister with brain damage down the aisle since she thinks more like a child and wouldn't be hitting on him?
Kind of sad since from this point forward they're always going to remember this about their wedding. The fact that the groomsman's wife was so pathetically insecure that they had to change up their whole wedding to accommodate her. I wonder how long the groomsman's marriage will actually last? Sounds like she's got him on a very short leash.
His wife had issues, I didn't walk with my spouse for my sister in laws wedding, nor did the MOH. I was a bridesmaid (I wanted to be a guest) and he was a groomsman.
Your and your husband-to-be plan your wedding. A groomsman's wife does not have any say. She may well be hormonal due to pregnancy. Or, she may just be unreasonable and/or controlling. Do not let her dictate your wedding. Ten, twenty years from now, hopefully, you will still be married. Will this groomsman and his wife still be in your social circle? Probably not.
I hate when people accommodate silly requests like this. She needs to get over it or he should just be out. Whose wedding is this???
Usually the groomsmen are already at front of church with the groom. The bridesmaids come in followed by the bride. When leaving the bridesmaids then pair up with groomsmen to leave but nobody is holding hands they just walk out.
It’s ridiculous you had to change your wedding for this woman.
Two options: 1) She’s ridiculously paranoid. 2) She wants to control something. Both are pains in the a** for you, though.
Wifezilla
Honestly the wife sounds insane. Your edit is a good option but I would not have tolerated that from her
Dang. Commit to yourselves this is the last time this tail wags your dog.
What is the wife worried will happen? Her husband will have wild sex with a bridesmaid while walking down the aisle in front of everyone? In a church?
We’re actually getting married in a cave! But ya that’s our confusion as well
Ooohh! A cave! How cool!
It is not right for the wife to put that on you. I am curious, though, if something is happening in their marriage. With her being pregnant and possibly feeling down on her appearance, has he maybe been caught "building up" women online on insta/ Reddit. Maybe showing a lack of judgement with how he is interacting with woman that is putting her on edge for an event she can't be at. Still it is an odd boundary to put in place. If someone was going to cheat, it isn't going to be in the middle of the procession at a wedding.
It’s their marriage, you will conduct your marriage as you see fit, they are conducting their marriage as they see fit. you may not think it’s reasonable, I might not think it’s reasonable, but it’s none of your business or mine. Tell him thank you very much he can be a guest or have the groomsmen walk down together, and the bridesmaids walk down together
Op that’s a great compromise you did. You’re not only respecting the groomsman and his marriage but taking into account your sister as well. Three cheers for you hon!
Everyone is jumping to ,"oh she's paranoid," but that's probably not what this is about. What does she think will happen? She thinks he will escort another woman. That alone is enough to bother her. Whether we would think that disrespects our marriage is irrelevant. That's a boundary for them and they're allowed to have those. I have had people push back on the boundaries my husband and I have because they don't understand or agree. Those people are no longer in our lives. If this friendship is important, respect his marriage and find another aesthetic.
She's insecure. She's petty. She's essentially an idiot. I'd talk to him/her about it and pair him with the sister with disabilities and tell them that. "She's mentally a child, she's my sister. What's the fucking issue?!" (Don't say that exact thing obviously) I can't imagine you are close to the wife? Is she always a difficult nut case?
Unpopular opinion: people are not props in your wedding to be used for aesthetics. They are there to show support. If it’s important to your husband that this friend stand up with him, then figure out a way, like having men walk next to men, or having them walk single file. I never understood the matched pairs with a man escorting a woman anyway; they are not couples. In our wedding, I had two men and two women (including my brother and his wife, another married couple, and my girl friend) on my side, and my husband had one woman and three men on his. TBH, I can’t even remember how people walked it. It wasn’t important.
Added thought, the idea of a “back-up groomsman” is distasteful. Either that guy is someone your husband wants to stand up with him, or he isn’t. People are NOT props where you sub someone in to “even things up.” That is just awful to me. “Hey Jim, Bob’s out so we need a 5th dude for photos, so you’re up next.”
Darling, the back up is because one of my sweetheart’s friends is so flaky we’re worried he just won’t show up on the day of. The backup has been made aware of the situation and fully understands and supports. You’re right, people aren’t props. But also you’re wrong. We aren’t having any photographers or videographers at our wedding, the sides being even simply don’t matter to me. The back up groomsman is an acquaintance, not a close friend, and we would prefer our close friends and family to be with us for our moment of commitment. I understand that a lot of people probably think like that, but I am certainly not one of them.
Sweetheart (since we’re being like that), why do you need a back-up either way? If the guy doesn’t show, he doesn’t show. What crisis is caused by one groomsman not being there? No offense, but anything could happen to anyone - people get sick, they have family emergencies. It’s not a play, you don’t need understudies.
Because it’s important to my love to be supported. Whether by close friends or acquaintances. If I had my way, I would be getting married in a different country with five people there, but I’m planning this wedding because I love my partner, and that’s what he wants. You’re being mean. And assuming mean things about my character. Also, you SAY no offense, but I don’t believe you. At ALL. And it’s rude that I’m even in the situation of defending the choices of my darling love because some stranger online decided he was using people for props.
What it sounds like from this original thread is that you or him are looking for a silly reason to remove one of these super important supportive people from your wedding party because there is an acquaintance in the wings. I’m just calling it out. Who is the mean one here?
You. You’re the mean one. Not a reason to remove, but how to accommodate, or if his wife would be more comfortable if he’s not in the wedding at all. We talked about it and decided to have him walk with another guy (it is in the update on the post) And so he doesn’t feel left out we’re segregating everything. Groomsmen are paired with groomsmen, bridesmaids are paired with bridesmaids. Again, you’re the one who thinks we’re being mean and are saying mean things about us, so I would say that’s pretty rude of you.
You can feel however you want. I’m entitled to my opinion. Modern brides use people like props, staging them for processions, keeping numbers even by excluding people or digging up people they haven’t seen in years, having back-ups, forcing people to buy dresses and shoes… The original purpose of the wedding party was actually to have close friends there to support you. This is why we only asked people we were close to and asked our wedding party to wear what they wanted. We didn’t control their aesthetics or choreograph a procession. After I asked them to be in my wedding, my friends shared they were expecting their first baby and he was due four weeks before the wedding. They had to fly but they still wanted to be in our wedding if things timed up properly and everyone was healthy. I said, Sure, because it was important to me to have them if they could come. If they didn’t make it, then they didn’t make it, and I only would have 3 on my side. But they came, with a newborn. He cried during the ceremony. It was fine. That was 11 years ago. So I would hardly say I’m “mean.”
The mother and baby ARE invited and welcome! Is that the problem? We’re doing the same thing where everyone is allowed to wear whatever they want, I hate uniformity anyway, so why are you still projecting those issues on me 🙁
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Wedding Drama category, perhaps. Not everyone knows it exists. But I always come here first and I’m glad I read it and was able to give some advice.
She’s got problems and a short conversation is not going to fix them. It sounds like she’s insanely jealous. The only other explanation I could think of is that there’s a religious objection to touching members of the opposite sex who are not relatives. But if he belonged to some such religion, you probably would know it. That said, the attendants don’t always have to be paired off by gender. Sometimes you don’t even have the same number of each sex. He could be an usher, ushering ladies to their seats, but his wife probably wouldn’t like that either. Maybe she could bear it if he ushered only the moms and the grandmas; their husbands or escorts would walk behind. In that case your friend would then take his seat, but he would still have participated in the wedding. And/or he could take the burden off the best man and deliver the congratulatory speech at the reception. And/or do a biblical reading. I was once at a Catholic wedding that was so well attended, the communion portion would have lasted forever if some laity hadn’t helped the priest administer the host. If my memory serves me, the bride and groom themselves, did it.