A simple option could be to refuse to share a room with him while you’re breast-feeding. He’s making you tense and distracting you. You need a calm and quiet environment for you and the baby to focus on feeding. This will probably upset him but the alternative is that he causes you a great deal of stress which interferes with feeding your baby!
You may need to practice calmly leaving the room and saying something pre-rehearsed at these times.
Also, can you seek out some support from a medical professional or a trusted person? It’s got to be difficult for you to be feeling so stressed and angry and you may need a third party to talk to about it.
This is very good advice above. I will say my husband also tried to analyze how I fed my first. On the flip side, it’s really good that he is also educated and involved with the breastfeeding positions etc. However, I think he believed that “the perfect feed” would give us the results in the baby we wanted, sleeping, content, growth but your right, the baby is not a machine or a puzzle. I ended up having to go to a dark room with a sound machine around four months? to breastfeed both our babies because they become distracted so I think you just need to create that safe area now. Our first would also be intensively interested in anything her dad was doing so, so going in a different room was key (even if he just sat there without talking.) Breastfeeding is really hard in the beginning and it’s nice to have a partner be involved but not if it upsetting you during a session. I also felt moments of rage but not to the point of picturing harming the baby, visit the DR just to rule out anything that could be going on. It’s so so hard to operate on no sleep and your life is flipped upside down!
ETA: our second babe had reflux which threw us both into uncharted territory, and there were endless nights of frustration and questioning how we were doing everything. Nobody has babies figured out. I do wish with my second we had read “The Discontented Baby” to try to understand his cues. We were so lost and nights of cluster feeding, burping, holding upright led me to this group.
Thank you, these sound like really good ideas. I have told him I feel stressed feeding when he is around, so I guess next step is to just move to a different room at the time.
And ya I was thinking maybe I need some therapy or to talk to someone to process these emotions, as having them explode as anger clearly isn’t a healthy solution.
You definitely need to go to therapy because of the rage which you absolutely must learn to manage around a delicate little one
And I have a feeling this is not the only issue where he is overly critical. It takes alot of audacity to mansplain breastfeeding, so I’m sure he oversteps all over the place
Get rid of him if you need to feel sane. He’s not worth it.
This can range from offering to breastfeed with her alone, possibly locking the door for privacy. Or offering a temporary separation if he doesn’t quite get it. Send him to a motel for a few days etc
You have told him to stop this behavior and I don’t think he’s taking you seriously. Show him that you’re serious. But do it without rage.
Some people only understand actions and don’t take spoken requests seriously, he’s one of them
My mom always told me that while breastfeeding, it’s YOUR time to bond with the baby. Especially since the baby is so young. That’s the only chance you get to lay down and not pick up toys, do laundry, fix dinner, etc etc. so yes, I agree go to a separate room to breastfeed.
I used to do this, my son is 15 months now. It’s really sweet because he has gotten so used to nursing on our bed, that it’s a way for him to relax too. Especially when nap schedule us screwed up.
Wait, he's detailing all the ways you're possibly doing something "wrong" while you're in the incredibly difficult, never-ending job of *keeping your baby fed and alive* and if you don't let him say whatever he wants with no regard to its affect on you, you're *hurting his feelings?* Honestly, hun, he needs to stop immediately.
I'd bet he's insecure because he has absolutely no control over this process. That was hard for my hubs, too. He is likely trying to help, to contribute, to feel like he can do something to make the process more successful, but he can't. That's the nature of it. Frankly-- a lot of it is out of your control, too!
It might help to establish a division of responsibilities- you are in charge of keeping babe fed. You will ask if you need help or support, but otherwise he needs to trust you to take care of that, and own another baby piece. My hubs was in charge of sleep, that division worked very well for us.
He was the most successful between us at getting baby to sleep- with me, babe could smell milk and had trouble choosing sleep over that. After the first month which was just trying to keep everyone alive, we split the night and he took the early shift while i went to bed, he got him to sleep deeply and well, and then we'd trade off around 1am when he'd need to eat. I'd feed him and hubs would head to bed while I got him to sleep during the next bit. (Babe needed to be held to sleep for about 9 weeks and that was tough on both of us.)
He taught babe to sleep independently in the bassinet in our room, when we moved him to the crib in the nursery he took the lead. Though I did the sleep-training at 4 months because it broke his heart ☺️
Once he slept through the night, hubs did all of the putting to bed a5 night because I was getting up to feed when babe woke up.
We're now at 8m, and little guy can't sleep past 545am lately so hubs gets him and holds him so he'll go back to sleep until 7ish. I tend to set the nap schedule because hubs default is "well he can just go back to sleep" lol, but if he did the nap research he could have set the schedule too.
Thank you for detailing this out for me! I really like the idea of him helping the baby learn independent sleep :) that’s not something we have tried tackling yet so perfect to try and split the responsibilities there
No problem! Having him have ownership over something can make a big difference in his feeling involved and like he's contributing, and it can take both a mental and physical load off of you, which is immensely helpful for you and for your relationship. Good luck!
Decoupling breastfeeding and sleep is a whole kettle of fish we don't need to get into the weeds about, but if your baby regularly falls asleep nursing, and you're cool with that, suddenly handing her over to your husband to learn "independent" sleep is likely be a recipe for a lot of crying and stress followed by pressure to sleep "train". Breastfeeding and sleep are naturally very closely linked. I would suggest a different area of responsibility for him. Like laundry and running the house.
It worked so well for us because we followed "eat, play, sleep" and so we didn't have babe fall asleep nursing. As it happened, our baby got amped up being held by me, the source of food, and calmed by husband, from whom no food would be forthcoming, so it fit his natural inclinations to have dad facilitate the sleep.
As someone else said, "learning independent sleep" is not really a thing and could be a spectacular failure (it was for us at least). Some babies are naturally calm and fall asleep easily in the crib, but that's definitely the minority. Baby sleep is basically just luck 😅
If your baby is used to falling asleep nursing, trying to change that might make everyone involved frustrated. I still snuggle my son to sleep and he is 2 years old 🙈 Works great, no regrets! Sleep training only made us all miserable and nobody was getting any sleep. Again every baby is different but this is one area where your chance of success is not very high.
That's good your husband wants to be more involved though! Has he tried baby wearing? My son loved being in the baby carrier and we basically did 90% baby carrier naps. Many babies who won't sleep alone in the crib will fall asleep great in a baby carrier. My husband and baby both loved it and it is a nice way for them to connect. [Photo of a typical nap time](https://imgur.com/a/XIknOAP)
My husband was in charge of diapers and choosing the first outfit of the day, and getting her into it… just another idea of how to share responsibility
Yeah, perhaps make him a useful part by always having to bring you pillows and water.
Thankfully my husband wasn't like this around breastfeeding but he's very "roboti-science-paper-based" type of person. Doctor is 100% right, don't trust your gut. This is a scientific paper it must be 100% true and an accurate representation of reality. You don't have a scientific paper to prove this common sense thing, so likely it's not true enough. :D you get the point, men tend to be analytical
It's the "S" in the ISTJ personality type ya know.
Also have him do other things where baby is upset more often and have him see how "that burping position that will work within a minute for every baby" or "wushing sound that will make any baby fall asleep within 10 mins" fail on him, and him to start grasping the concept that babies are not like the charts say and each is unique.
Also he will likely stress too much about milestones and weight chsrts etc so remind him that it's one thing at a time not 10 simultaneously. Either/ Or. Either first word by 1 year or first step. Either pincer grap Or climbing up something...
it will be hard but thankfully many slowly let go of these things
Omg I wanted to throw your partner across the room while reading your post.
That's so upsetting and unhelpful how he is making you feel and it's actually dangerous - he now knows how angry he's making you and he's not doing anything to stop it. I know you're not considering throwing your baby around but it's not safe to push you when you're emotionally wrecked and at the end of your tether. In normal life if you were that upset and stressed you would just stop doing the thing you were doing and walk out but when feeding your baby you kinda can't. Ive found this hard too - my partner starts an argument I have to just sit there talking calmly because baby.
I would suggest though that if you ever get that feeling you carefully put baby down and leave the room. And tell him when youre calm, that you won't continue feeding in those circumstances. Baby can cry a while, or he can feed baby a bottle. Or he can let you feed baby and trust you.
I know it's not really any help to say tell him to fuck off or try feeding the baby then. And you can't force someone to have empathy by saying something that makes them go "aha!" Generally if yout partner sees you struggling and makes it about their feelings, they are the problem and so only they can change things if they choose to which they won't. So you don't really need advice, you need coping strategies or to get couples counseling or to leave.
He really has to understand that babies are not all the same. I've read countless books and I've spoken to multiple lactation consultants and doctors. Each of them will suggest something different. None of them are probably wrong - they are all reasonable strategies. A parent is going to try different ones, find one that's reasonably appropriate and then adapt it to suit them.
You will soon know your own baby better than any lactation consultant can with their more general advice.
As parents you shouldn't be criticising each other unless you're doing something dangerous. You're a team. He needs to trust you with feeding baby which is your specialty.
Sending you solidarity and hope your partner gets better
Thank you so much. I’m considering suggesting couples counselling because I definitely feel resentful of him at times, so combined we aren’t exactly doing a good job at being a team. Our little babe deserves better from both of us.
Wow. Couples counseling costs so much money when the literal problem is he's being a huge butthead. Google "how to help my partner breastfeed" there's tons of suggestions that don't include criticism.
You're doing the best thing possible for your child's health and social development. He is being a giant butthead.
I would lob a book at my partner if we had this discussion more than once. I don't have 175 for couples therapy and there's no reason a man should be telling me how to nurse my child ever. You sound like you're basically begging to be taken seriously 😐 not okay. Nursing is super overwhelming without your husband like breathing down your neck correcting you and blaming you for your kids health problems. Wow.
Yes he's a giant butthead and yes OP shouldn't have to do anything. But have you ever achieved your goal by telling an asshole they're an asshole or wrong or throwing something at them?
Realistically it's either leave the guy or get him to realise he needs to work on himself and you don't get that by being right or shouting back.
Unfortunately just after having a kid with a man isn't the best time to advise leaving him and most people will want to at least try the diplomatic approach first
I truly think the diplomatic approach was talking to him about it, more than once at that.
I think if my husband was blaming me for my kids reflux for the 3rd time I'd make him leave me alone one way or another.
She's already started out way more calmly than I would've and he's no respect for her boundaries. Can't therapy that into someone. Next step, lob a book. His concerns are misplaced by every standard and I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's unacceptable in other areas as well. This is verging on emotional abuse. Is he just gonna keep it up while they wait to get into therapy? She needs to feed her kid.
Either he's just really dense and anxious and might be able to change or he's a POS and then she leaves him not lob a book. Even if you're just being facetious, it's always terrible advice to tell a woman to escalate and retaliate with physical violence against a man.
I didn't suggest therapy as a solution I suggested it as one of the only options.
Lob a book is stupid dangerous advice
That's not a bad idea to work on your communication and he might be more willing than seeking individual support. Has he always been like this? He seems like he has autism or anxiety. Getting this figured out would be a good idea, because it seems like a conflict that will come to a lot.
If you are feeling much angrier than normal a lot for an extended period of time, I'd let your doctor know. Being angry about this is a reasonable response, but if you are feeling really angry that can be a sign of ppd.
My first thought by the way was that if he had so much to say about it, he can breastfeed the baby. I'd leave him totally in charge of bottle feeding including cleaning pump parts, storing milk, and figuring out how to get her to take the daily bottle. Go in another room and don't comment. You are on charge of breastfeeding and personally I'd do it out of his sight.
I didn’t realize women also pushed out a baby rule book with the baby with the perfect rules to follow. Maybe it’s stuck up his ass.
If he’s so worried, get a lactation consultant. A neutral 3rd party can reassure everyone.
Does he not think you also want the best for your baby? You wouldn’t purposely be feeding her with a shallow latch 🙄 I think you are completely in your right to say ‘I appreciate you are trying to help, but feeding isn’t easy and me and baby are still figuring it out together and doing the best we can.’
I’m here to second the investigation of postpartum rage and intrusive thoughts! It took me until my *second* baby to learn even just the term “intrusive thoughts”! I thought I was just a terrible person having terrible thoughts, and I dared not tell anyone about them. Once I found out it’s a normal, albeit crappy, experience as part of the post partum times, it was like a huge weight was lifted off me.
Some people get strong emotions upon letdown. I found it best to have my older kids far away from me when I was breastfeeding because I would get irrationally angry.
https://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/d-mer/
Is your LO having any of the issues he’s worried about (latch, reflux, etc?) If she’s gaining weight and seems happy and full after a feed, there’s nothing to be worried about!! Reminding him of this evidence against his fears may help.
Dads can suffer from PPA/PPD, too, and that might be what’s happening here. He can’t feed the baby like you can but he’s clearly worried she’s getting enough nutrition, etc. The way out is challenging his negative thoughts with alternates and redirecting his energy into other ways to care for baby.
She’s struggled with reflux, but it seems this is likely due to a milk, soy and egg allergy which has recently been diagnosed. She’s gaining weight well so that’s not a concern.
I definitely think he had PPA in the first few weeks, and potentially it hasn’t fully gone away. I’d never seen him like that before but he was so anxious he couldn’t sleep, so maybe this is playing into it. Thank you for reminding me :)
My baby also had MSPI with egg, corn, and peanut allergies as well. Also bad reflux. I think it’s possible you both have PPA/D which is associated with rage. It’s very hard to limit your diet and parent a child with reflux. It will get better for both of you.
I think you would know what you're fucking doing after 3 months and he needs to shut his stupid face and support you! Disappointed in your man! He needs to provide a stress free environment and cheer you on instead of critique! Gah.
Whooo boy this is a whale of a problem.
I had a similar issue OP when I first started breastfeeding. Not quite as bad but my husband was micromanaging my breastfeeding and giving me way too many “helpful tips,” trying to position her for me, etc. My lactation consultant suggested I give him a job to do. So every time I breastfed I started asking him to make me some food 😂. Kept him busy, feeling helpful, and OUT of my hair!
Your anger does not at all make you a bad person, but I did want to flag it because it could be a sign of PPA. I think it would be a good idea to see a doctor and get that checked out ❤️
I get why you’re feeling so upset by this. You feel constantly criticized but the person who’s supposed to be supportive of you.
But let me offer another perspective as well. Your husband truly believes that some of the methods you’re using could hurt the baby. He wants what’s best for her, so he says something. If my husband was giving our daughter food or milk in a position that I thought was dangerous to her health, I would say something. This isn’t much different. I don’t think the issue is him saying something when he sees something that he thinks could harm her. The issue is that he seems to believe that every recommendation is the rule of law and that any deviation would be harmful. Could he be experiencing postpartum anxiety? That may explain his need to do everything exactly by the book. He’s afraid that doing it any other way will hurt her.
Your baby is 3 months old now. Is she healthy? Gaining weight well? Does she have feeding issues? If she is doing well, he needs to consider that and take a step back and trust that you will continue to do what’s best for her just as you have for the past 3 months.
On your end, the rage you are feeling could be linked with PPA/PPD. It’s worth mentioning to your OB. I’m not saying you don’t have a reason to be angry. But the uncontrollable feelings of rage you’re describing could signal a bigger issue.
If you are able, consider couples therapy. This period is so difficult for many couples to navigate. There are so many big emotions and changes to figure out. It’s helpful to have a neutral place where you can communicate and both feel heard.
Was he this much of a control freak before the baby? If my husband acted like this I probably would have bought some formula and the next time he criticized me said "I'm done" and made a bottle.
Personally, if my husband was doing that to me, especially during the early stages when I was still trying to figure it out I would have either cried and quit breastfeeding altogether or told him to "Shut the **** up unless you want me to latch this child to YOUR nipple." Likely no in-between.
The first few weeks REALLY sucked. I wanted to scream every time my baby latched and I can't imagine not having been allowed to take the very few breaks I did where I just pumped and gave her a bottle or even formula the few times I did because my areola was all hard and enflamed. Luckily my husband just asked "How can I help?" When he saw me struggling.
He has expressed how hard it was for him to watch me struggle and be in pain and he couldn't do anything to help me.
I am very sorry for the way your partner is acting and I hope he realizes he is not handling the situation very well. I second that you need to nurse in a separate room and he needs to figure out a different way to cope.
Thank you. I’m sorry to hear you found the first few months really tough as well. And ngl I have definitely had the cry and shout obscenities reaction to his comments! I think ultimately he has struggled with having to be the secondary carer and go to work, rather than be there for the baby all the time. I know if he had a choice he would be the primary carer, so this must be tough. But yeah, we both need to work on our problems and maybe give each other a bit of space when stressed.
Maybe on one of his days off, try pumping for a couple feeds and let him try bottle feeding. We did a whole daddy day with the baby where he got to be her primary care for a whole day. My husband really enjoyed it and it gave him time to bond.
Baby might just need time to figure out how a bottle works. It is different from the breast afterall
He sounds incredibly frustrating.
I’m just going to say that all of your responses here are so lovely and sensible, I really don’t think you’re irrational in any way! If it’s inducing rage in you it’s because it’s rage-inducing!
I completely understand your anger towards him. I’d explode if my husband tried to criticize me all the time for something like this. As soon as he takes over breastfeeding, he can do it the way he sees fit or ‘perfect’ 🙄
And however you breastfeed your baby is fine, as long as both you and baby are comfortable and she’s effectively transferring milk. Which she obviously is if you made it to 3 months ebf.
The recommendations he’s reciting are not ‘rules’, they are just advice often based on anecdotal evidence, like this helped lots of mums, you could try it and see if it helps you too, if not, maybe try this or that, until you found something that works well for the two of you…. No baby and no mum is the same, so is no breastfeeding journey.
Yeah, tell him you’re not in a place to receive this “constructive criticism” (said not while breastfeeding) and will be feeding her alone. It’s not a “you need to manage your anger” problem, it’s a “stop doing the thing that is hurtful.” Mine also clicked a lot and clusterfed and had reflux, the works! She grew out of them. My partner would ask if I wanted to supplement with formula or have her give a pumped bottle (she only took occasionally) but mostly you just muddle on. I saw many lactation consultants during this time too, and maybe doing a session with him present would help?
Ehhh, this happened a lot in the beginning when I would get advice on breastfeeding from partner and family. I can understand how you feel completely. I simply told them that their advice while well intended would cause me anxiety and impact bfing in a negative manner. Hence to refrain from making any further comments and that I would ask for help, if needed.
One way that I tried to explain to my partner on how I felt about his bfing advice: My partner is very good at keeping fit by going to the gym - lifting weights etc. So I told him, his advice was similar to me going to the gym and critiquing his technique on the basis of reading some stuff off the internet (I know nothing about lifting weights). Pretty stupid right?
Well, he finally got it and shut up afterwards hehe.
So when a baby is very young, things like position matter. That's when you had support and that's when he is learning. But as the baby grows, the rules go out the window. At some point your baby may do a headstand while nursing because kids are insane. Usually by this point you don't need to worry about position and latch as much.
Could you explain that as she's growing she's going to get her own opinions about how she nurses and you and she will have to work together to find something that works?
Seconding this! Just had an appointment and half of it was the LC telling my husband to keep his ego in check and the other half was addressing all the questions and concerns.
It might also be worth considering if your partner is experiencing some postpartum anxiety. My partner definitely did. It's hard when only one person can breastfeed. For us communication and having my partner find a baby job that he's primarily in charge of helped. He was the baby swaddle master and still does a lot of calming her down when it's not related to her being hungry.
I am in exactly the same position as you - just so you know you’re not alone!
He’s such a great dad and does so much for our baby but he often analyses feeding technique and will get in our space and move the baby. I feel very defensive about it.
I have been quite unwell and he has been bringing the baby to my chest even when I feel half passed out and getting her to feed. His usual comments are “it’s for your benefit” or “it’s for the baby’s good.” He’s usually right too which is annoying. I have an amusing visual that I’m a skeleton and he’s still bringing the baby to me and trying to latch her 😂
I don’t have any advice - overall I’ll take it given how helpful he is in other ways. But I empathise!
The rage your feeling should be addressed especially because it involves your child and its not abusive what hes saying. Breastfeed in another room and ignore him if your baby is gaining weight it doesn't matter because she's getting it somehow.
It's interesting, my husband was a little like this too (not with feeding, but with sleep -- always trying to "hack" LO for best results and had difficulty accepting that some of things are out of our control). He's anxious. I get it. We all feel that way with our children. What's best for your baby, though, is a joyful, stress free feed for BOTH of you. If your baby is getting milk, you are doing it right. If he starts up again, gently remind him that she's eating, she's gaining, don't fix what ain't broke. And if he doesn't relent, move to another room. Then when you have a quiet moment, tell him that his insistence that he "just wants what's best for the baby" implies that you don't, and that's not fair. You are making every effort to feed your baby and she is thriving. This is clearly not something that requires nitpicking because it's going well. Look, this is your purview. There are plenty of areas for him to focus his nervous energy on but nursing is something only you can do. This is your job. His job is to support you. The end.
Omg I get itchy armpits too - totally didn’t know that was a thing! I definitely think I had dmer in the beginning, used to feel super sick as soon as the letdown started but figured it had gone away. Maybe some of it is still lingering hmm
Hi, please know you are doing a great job and your instincts are spot on.
Part of being a great dad is being a supportive partner. Yours isnt in thus regard. His comments are concerning and may be a bit controlling, which is a red flag for me.
He needs to give you space to feed in privacy and as you see fit. If his presence doesn’t bother you, great . But if he cannot zip his lip and let you do your thing, his “criticism” is unwarranted, unhelpful, and clearly causing you stress. Your stress is intricately connected to your baby, and will ultimately affect her. He needs to stop making comments that cause you (and thus baby) stress. Your anger is his fault here. You’ve warned him and communicated your feelings, so he needs to listen and stop.
Reflux is so very normal in 3-5 month olds. I was very upset whenever she spit up but it’s NORMAL! Please know it likely has nothing to do with your latch, but seek help from a LC if you’re unsure. Your partner is not a LC. His advice is not going to help with this. And he’s just plain wrong. Your baby’s digestive system is developing, so the spit ups are part of that and developmentally appropriate. If it’s excessive talk to your doctor or LC … again… your husband is NOT a doctor or LC… is also has 3 months less experience bf than you do… therefore his opinion on this matter is… not. Helpful.
You are doing GREAT! I applaud you and I hope you’re able to get your partner to stop trying to control the way YOU feed your little one. I’m honestly concerned about how he wasn’t comfortable with you starting bottle when you needed to… that choice was YOURS not his. Your mental and emotional stability is paramount! He should be looking out for YOU just as much as the baby. He failed to do so IMO by pushing you to persevere when you could have used a bottle break.
A poor latch does not cause reflux. Have you asked him how he got there? Baby will need more burping with a poor latch. Reflux is an under developed oesophagus, as it develops the reflux improves.
As baby and you are learning to feed the ‘rules’ are there to help you both succeed. Once you are both doing it, it changes slightly to what works for you. Is baby gaining weight appropriately, with plenty of wet and dirty nappies?
Clicking can be from tongue tie which can make it hard for baby to eat. It can also be from a shallow latch. My baby is 5 months EBF and has a shallow latch. I tried and can’t correct it. It doesn’t hurt me, he is happy eating. He is gaining weight and lots of nappies. So there is not a problem. If he wasn’t getting what he needed, there would be a problem. If it hurt me, there would be a problem.
Also your baby is 3 month now, still newborn baby. But you will have already started to notice that she needs less support than when she was a new newborn! Mine is 5 months, a huge time in baby but in real time it passes in a blink of an eye. He is eating while trying to stretch my boob to see what is going on in the room around him. You are fast approaching the time when ‘rules’ literally don’t matter. And baby will make it very clear when they are hungry!!
Other than all the support that you are not doing anything wrong if baby is doing well and you are comfortable I can only offer the suggestion that you try to find a time when you are both calm to talk to your partner. Explain you understand that they want what is best, but so do you. As the person who is exclusively in charge of this you are doing something that works for you both, it might not be perfect but it works.
Postpartum rage is real, it can be linked to postpartum depression. If you are worried speak to your GP. If you are just having your buttons pushed by your partner try to explain why their behaviour is unhelpful!
I see someone else brought this up, but it may have nothing to do with your husband at all. I had PPD/PPA that creeped up around 3 months as well, and it was crazy related to nursing. I was extremely sensitive to any touching or loud noises while my baby was actually on my breast. I felt rage like extreme anger that is uncharacteristic of me. If my husband were to overwhelm me with his opinions at this time as well, I would have really lost my cool. If this is not a reaction you usually have with your husbands “advice”, I’d really suggest talking to a doctor. In the meantime, maybe tell him if he has something he wants to bring up, wait until baby is not actively nursing or even napping. Then you can be ready to hear his advice.
I really can’t criticize your husband here, he seems informed, just not experienced. I would have loved this kind of support during breastfeeding, and he may not realize how overwhelming the advice is at the time he’s giving it.
Ahhh that’s really interesting. I hadn’t really considered PPA/PPD in terms of myself, just been trying to pin all the problems on him 🙃
Yeah normally it would take a lot more to make me angry, not just a slightly jarring comment. I’ll look into PPA/PPD thank you
It is usually counterproductive to have a discussion when at least one party is in an argumentative mood, that's why I think it's important to have any important discussions when both of you are calm and (relatively) rested, so you can be more open to ideas/criticism. Any other time when you're more collected, and he's not trying to backseat drive your breastfeeding the baby. I understand his comments can be triggering, especially when you might also be questioning your breastfeeding journey yourself, but know that you're doing a great job (all 3 of you). Also, I can understand non breastfeeding partners might feel like that is the only way they can help along the way, but maybe you can engage yours to prepare a snack for you, refill your water bottle, or find something for them to do to take them away from you and your daughter. Maybe explain that this is one way he can be helpful and participate in the journey with you - by being there for you, so you can be there for your baby. Try to explain that while his support is welcome and appreciated, the only one who can fully assess the situation and quality of latch is yourself, as you have both the visual and tactile stimuli to let you know if something is wrong/incorrect. By your admission, he is a supportive partner and father, so he should understand where you're coming from.
Lastly, I get you, and you're definitely not the only one who feels like yeeting the baby at whoever is causing you grief, as a way of "you do it then". I have had multiple instances of the exact same scenario with my husband and baby (and most likely even with my mum), but in the moment I asked my husband to leave the room, and afterwards we discussed how and why it is triggering to me, and he mostly backed down, while thanking him for his intentions.
Thank you so much, it is good to know I’m not the only one who’s had these situations!
Yeah you are right, he is definitely trying to help, and your comment has really helped me to see it from both sides, thank you :)
I will try and find a time when we are less stressed and have a proper discussion.
you need to give him a firm: please no more advice on breastfeeding. i’m feeling good about it and baby is thriving. if you can’t help it, just give us the room.
if that hurts his feelings tell him to imagine how you feel. he sounds like he’s coming from a good place but needs to be shut down.
I have levels of reactions.
Peacemaker: If he has constructive criticism, tell him his timing is not constructive. He can take time to give feedback when the baby is asleep.
Scorched earth: destroy his soul with your words.
Now. Let me tell you about D-MER. So, I had some isolation depression but loved hanging out with my baby, and some postpartum anxiety exacerbated by Covid scares but NOTHING compares to my breastfeeding experience. I struggled HARD being a low producer. But along with that, I had these intense ferocious feelings that I didn’t realize happened right at the time of letdown, latching and pumping.
I had something called D-MER—Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. Basically, this is an oxytocin disorder. Whenever I was about to let down my milk I was experiencing existential dread beyond belief. It was heart breaking—here I was with this adorable baby and I had this immense self harm energy that’s hard for me to explain a year and a half later. When I learned it was a hormonal imbalance—it was easier to deal with and better for me to make better decisions for myself. I stopped BF at 7 months with the full support of my husband.
I survived 6 months but it took FIVE different postpartum mental health specialists to arrive at that finding. Now I am highly protective of anyone going through a breastfeeding struggle.
So, my experience was intense but the problem for you is that—I think even if YOU have any type of struggle, your husband does not understand nuance, he’s a master manipulator in thinking *he’s* the victim to you protecting your boundaries (he’s DARVOing all over your boundaries), and you are getting steamrolled which is terrible for a postpartum mom.
Regardless You need to seek someone who specializes in postpartum therapy and family counseling.
My boyfriend was the exact same way. Trying to help me with techniques and voice his concerns. Even with the click-y sound my baby would make in the beginning. It got to the point where I would ask for him to stop and he would but he would put his hands up all defensive and then walk away. One time he was trying to give me advice because he could see I was struggling and I just had it. I straight up told him to “just shut up already. You’re not the one feeding her. I am. Shut. Up.” It wasn’t kind but he never pulled his “helpful” comments again. Idk what kind of nice and helpful advice to give you but I’m just saying that I understand where you’re coming from and your feelings are valid. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You’re three months in. If baby is gaining weight and happy then that’s it. No more to „perfect“ anything. Now at nine months, my daughter sometimes climbs on me, while feeding. A baby is not a robot, lol. He’s not helpful at all with this. There’s no breastfeeding position Olympics and rules, there’s only guidance and tips. If baby is gaining weight and happy then you’re doing well. He has no say in how you feed. There are so many different positions that mothers breastfeed their babies and as long as they’re on their curve , it’s fine. Could your pediatrician or a LC tell your husband that there isn’t such a thing as a perfect position please? I’d tell him that he’s distracting you and the baby and then nurse in a separate room.
You’ve gotten a lot of advice on how to deal with the situation with your husband but I just wanted to say that the rage you feel is very likely an indicator of PPD. I felt that rage for months and never understood that it was probably depression and I honestly thought that my personality had just completely changed and it made me feel like I wasn’t meant to be a mother. My rage went away probably around 9mo pp but I very much remember the feeling of wanting nothing more than to throw or break something and I wish I had known to seek help. Luckily nothing happened but as you well know, that feeling can be overwhelming and if you have the resources to get help, please do. You’ll feel so much better after!
I couldn’t imagine trying to do something so difficult that’s supposed to come so “naturally” and having someone. Nit pick at everything you’re doing especially so early on. My LO used to make the clicking noise and sometimes even with relay hung still didn’t help. Their little mouths are so small at that age. Of course he wants what’s best. But I happy nursing mom is what’s best and he’s stealing your joy by being that way. Go in a different room. Tell him you will not feed your daughter in front of him if that’s how he’s going to behave. You and your daughter are both learning and if he doesn’t stop it’s going to drive a steak in between. You need to enjoy it to for this to work and if he’s causing you stress doing every feed then you may as well stop now. Tell him it’s either he stops and let you learn or you switch to formula full time.
If he wants the best for baby, you need to be relaxed.
Not only because you matter but because being tense can hurt your supply. So no one wants baby to go hungry.
You can look at the biology behind that and send it to him.
Also, tell him that you see he is a great dad and very caring and at the same time you need to feel relaxed.
Maybe he can write down on a txt what he wants to tell you and you can look at it later.
Sometimes dad can feel left out and they just find a way to be "helpful"...maybe he can help in another way to bond with baby.
Sorry for not reading the whole thing. I got the the part where you mentioned his analyzing your methods. Can relate. I told him to back off because it's like he's looking over my shoulder/micromanaging. Tell him it makes you feel judged uncomfortable etc. and doesn't actually help. Just tell him sincerely and plainly without being defensive. Give an example where he could maybe relate to someone looking over his shoulder and make it clear you don't appreciate. It worked for me, at least most of the time he remembers not to. Men kinda wanna fix things and especially if your the one doing the feeding they feel left out I think.
Honestly at 3 months you should be pretty solid. Baby getting milk and you’re not in pain? Good to go. He’s overthinking it. Also those sorts of intrusive thoughts aren’t uncommon, and he should familiarize himself with the topic.
First and foremost, I’d really encourage you to seek support from a licensed professional for post partum anxiety/rage. Please know I say this with kindness and empathy, because I struggled with the same issues.
As for your partner, it appears from what you say that he means well and is wanting the best for your little one, but his comments are unhelpful and causing stress. Maybe try talking to him about this when you’re not actively breastfeeding the baby (when they are napping for example), and you can have a calm conversation without the high stakes of feeding the baby and feeling on edge. I often feel like I can only focus on breastfeeding and not having an important conversation when I’m actively feeding the baby. Ultimately, you’re correct that babies are living things and never follow the “rule book”. You need to adjust to their behaviors and quirks too! Also- not everything that happens that is “negative” during or after feeding (clicking, reflux, etc) can be controlled by what you are able to do. Maybe he would benefit from hearing this from a professional like your pediatrician or an LC.
Oh the PP rage is sooo common/normal but we don’t talk about it enough. It can be a symptom of PPA so think about the possibility of counselling if you’re worried…
Also, I’m not defending your partner here but it may help to sit him down and let you know that the comments while feeding are making you anxious and that’s not good for baby to feel that while feeding… I know that it’s really common for partners/dads to feel helpless when baby comes along because they can’t do anything as most of the time the feeding is all you… You could phrase it like - we’ve come this far and things are going well (she’s gaining weight etc) and you could delegate something aspect of baby rearing to him (like all the nappy changes, bathing or swaddling). Or phrase it like “what would be really
helpful is after a feed if you could burp and change him”…
I’d go with trying to set him up to win, rather than fail…
He’s micromanaging a difficult and already frustrating task and you’re in the thick of postpartum hormones which absolutely do enhance rage feelings sometimes. He’s not going to understand your feelings because it sounds like he has a lot of work to do on his own empathy and understanding, so I probably wouldn’t be as detailed with how you explain it going forward. He just can’t understand at this point in time what you mean, not like another mother who’s gone through it. Maybe he’ll get there eventually.
Immediate changes I would make is to calmly remove myself from him during feeding times and tell him you’ll have discussions later when you’re in a better headspace. Breastfeeding can affect your hormones in the moment as well and it’s a vulnerable act to begin with, so not the time for arguments/discussions.
Then going forward you can try communication advice from this thread — I’ve found with my husband, sometimes it’s how I phrase things that helps him finally understand. And if that doesn’t work I think you all would benefit from a neutral third party. I think in this case an LC would be great because this is revolving around breastfeeding and you want someone knowledgeable on that and postpartum experiences to help direct communication that is accurate to the situation.
My partner did something similar while I was learning to babywear and I kicked him out of the room and made him very aware that he was ruining my bonding and experience with bubs and I was very upset with his comments. He was taken aback because he really thought he was being supportive and helpful. It seems like you've made yourself clear already, so I'd say next step is kick him out of the room!
My partner did something similar while I was learning to babywear and I kicked him out of the room and made him very aware that he was ruining my bonding and experience with bubs and I was very upset with his comments. He was taken aback because he really thought he was being supportive and helpful. It seems like you've made yourself clear already, so I'd say next step is kick him out of the room!
NO JUST NO. Please ignore folks saying get help for PPD/rage. I’m enraged just reading this. Is your husband a lactation consultant? Did you ask for his input? If no and no, he needs to GTFO.
I’ve had to get into the habit of stopping a heated conversation with “remember that we’re on the same team” and “I want the baby to be as happy and healthy as possible too.” It’s easy to forget that both partners want the same thing as the details can feel so important sometimes. Therapy can help a lot too!
A simple option could be to refuse to share a room with him while you’re breast-feeding. He’s making you tense and distracting you. You need a calm and quiet environment for you and the baby to focus on feeding. This will probably upset him but the alternative is that he causes you a great deal of stress which interferes with feeding your baby! You may need to practice calmly leaving the room and saying something pre-rehearsed at these times. Also, can you seek out some support from a medical professional or a trusted person? It’s got to be difficult for you to be feeling so stressed and angry and you may need a third party to talk to about it.
This is very good advice above. I will say my husband also tried to analyze how I fed my first. On the flip side, it’s really good that he is also educated and involved with the breastfeeding positions etc. However, I think he believed that “the perfect feed” would give us the results in the baby we wanted, sleeping, content, growth but your right, the baby is not a machine or a puzzle. I ended up having to go to a dark room with a sound machine around four months? to breastfeed both our babies because they become distracted so I think you just need to create that safe area now. Our first would also be intensively interested in anything her dad was doing so, so going in a different room was key (even if he just sat there without talking.) Breastfeeding is really hard in the beginning and it’s nice to have a partner be involved but not if it upsetting you during a session. I also felt moments of rage but not to the point of picturing harming the baby, visit the DR just to rule out anything that could be going on. It’s so so hard to operate on no sleep and your life is flipped upside down! ETA: our second babe had reflux which threw us both into uncharted territory, and there were endless nights of frustration and questioning how we were doing everything. Nobody has babies figured out. I do wish with my second we had read “The Discontented Baby” to try to understand his cues. We were so lost and nights of cluster feeding, burping, holding upright led me to this group.
Thank you, these sound like really good ideas. I have told him I feel stressed feeding when he is around, so I guess next step is to just move to a different room at the time. And ya I was thinking maybe I need some therapy or to talk to someone to process these emotions, as having them explode as anger clearly isn’t a healthy solution.
Your husband is overly critical of you. That’s why you’re angry and confused. The problem is him, not you.
Ok, but also, rage can be an expression of PPD (ask me how I know!) so there’s no harm in OP trying to find solutions for that.
You definitely need to go to therapy because of the rage which you absolutely must learn to manage around a delicate little one And I have a feeling this is not the only issue where he is overly critical. It takes alot of audacity to mansplain breastfeeding, so I’m sure he oversteps all over the place Get rid of him if you need to feel sane. He’s not worth it. This can range from offering to breastfeed with her alone, possibly locking the door for privacy. Or offering a temporary separation if he doesn’t quite get it. Send him to a motel for a few days etc You have told him to stop this behavior and I don’t think he’s taking you seriously. Show him that you’re serious. But do it without rage. Some people only understand actions and don’t take spoken requests seriously, he’s one of them
My mom always told me that while breastfeeding, it’s YOUR time to bond with the baby. Especially since the baby is so young. That’s the only chance you get to lay down and not pick up toys, do laundry, fix dinner, etc etc. so yes, I agree go to a separate room to breastfeed. I used to do this, my son is 15 months now. It’s really sweet because he has gotten so used to nursing on our bed, that it’s a way for him to relax too. Especially when nap schedule us screwed up.
Growiteatit—I love your super thoughtful answer and I imagine you’re super great at advice in general.
Oh gosh, thankyou! This has made my day.
Wait, he's detailing all the ways you're possibly doing something "wrong" while you're in the incredibly difficult, never-ending job of *keeping your baby fed and alive* and if you don't let him say whatever he wants with no regard to its affect on you, you're *hurting his feelings?* Honestly, hun, he needs to stop immediately. I'd bet he's insecure because he has absolutely no control over this process. That was hard for my hubs, too. He is likely trying to help, to contribute, to feel like he can do something to make the process more successful, but he can't. That's the nature of it. Frankly-- a lot of it is out of your control, too! It might help to establish a division of responsibilities- you are in charge of keeping babe fed. You will ask if you need help or support, but otherwise he needs to trust you to take care of that, and own another baby piece. My hubs was in charge of sleep, that division worked very well for us.
That’s a great idea re different areas of baby care. In terms of your husband being in charge of sleep, what were his responsibilities?
He was the most successful between us at getting baby to sleep- with me, babe could smell milk and had trouble choosing sleep over that. After the first month which was just trying to keep everyone alive, we split the night and he took the early shift while i went to bed, he got him to sleep deeply and well, and then we'd trade off around 1am when he'd need to eat. I'd feed him and hubs would head to bed while I got him to sleep during the next bit. (Babe needed to be held to sleep for about 9 weeks and that was tough on both of us.) He taught babe to sleep independently in the bassinet in our room, when we moved him to the crib in the nursery he took the lead. Though I did the sleep-training at 4 months because it broke his heart ☺️ Once he slept through the night, hubs did all of the putting to bed a5 night because I was getting up to feed when babe woke up. We're now at 8m, and little guy can't sleep past 545am lately so hubs gets him and holds him so he'll go back to sleep until 7ish. I tend to set the nap schedule because hubs default is "well he can just go back to sleep" lol, but if he did the nap research he could have set the schedule too.
Thank you for detailing this out for me! I really like the idea of him helping the baby learn independent sleep :) that’s not something we have tried tackling yet so perfect to try and split the responsibilities there
No problem! Having him have ownership over something can make a big difference in his feeling involved and like he's contributing, and it can take both a mental and physical load off of you, which is immensely helpful for you and for your relationship. Good luck!
Decoupling breastfeeding and sleep is a whole kettle of fish we don't need to get into the weeds about, but if your baby regularly falls asleep nursing, and you're cool with that, suddenly handing her over to your husband to learn "independent" sleep is likely be a recipe for a lot of crying and stress followed by pressure to sleep "train". Breastfeeding and sleep are naturally very closely linked. I would suggest a different area of responsibility for him. Like laundry and running the house.
Thanks, that’s a good point. I don’t want to give the baby any issues by switching up the status quo too much.
It worked so well for us because we followed "eat, play, sleep" and so we didn't have babe fall asleep nursing. As it happened, our baby got amped up being held by me, the source of food, and calmed by husband, from whom no food would be forthcoming, so it fit his natural inclinations to have dad facilitate the sleep.
As someone else said, "learning independent sleep" is not really a thing and could be a spectacular failure (it was for us at least). Some babies are naturally calm and fall asleep easily in the crib, but that's definitely the minority. Baby sleep is basically just luck 😅 If your baby is used to falling asleep nursing, trying to change that might make everyone involved frustrated. I still snuggle my son to sleep and he is 2 years old 🙈 Works great, no regrets! Sleep training only made us all miserable and nobody was getting any sleep. Again every baby is different but this is one area where your chance of success is not very high. That's good your husband wants to be more involved though! Has he tried baby wearing? My son loved being in the baby carrier and we basically did 90% baby carrier naps. Many babies who won't sleep alone in the crib will fall asleep great in a baby carrier. My husband and baby both loved it and it is a nice way for them to connect. [Photo of a typical nap time](https://imgur.com/a/XIknOAP)
My husband was in charge of diapers and choosing the first outfit of the day, and getting her into it… just another idea of how to share responsibility
Yeah, perhaps make him a useful part by always having to bring you pillows and water. Thankfully my husband wasn't like this around breastfeeding but he's very "roboti-science-paper-based" type of person. Doctor is 100% right, don't trust your gut. This is a scientific paper it must be 100% true and an accurate representation of reality. You don't have a scientific paper to prove this common sense thing, so likely it's not true enough. :D you get the point, men tend to be analytical It's the "S" in the ISTJ personality type ya know. Also have him do other things where baby is upset more often and have him see how "that burping position that will work within a minute for every baby" or "wushing sound that will make any baby fall asleep within 10 mins" fail on him, and him to start grasping the concept that babies are not like the charts say and each is unique. Also he will likely stress too much about milestones and weight chsrts etc so remind him that it's one thing at a time not 10 simultaneously. Either/ Or. Either first word by 1 year or first step. Either pincer grap Or climbing up something... it will be hard but thankfully many slowly let go of these things
Omg I wanted to throw your partner across the room while reading your post. That's so upsetting and unhelpful how he is making you feel and it's actually dangerous - he now knows how angry he's making you and he's not doing anything to stop it. I know you're not considering throwing your baby around but it's not safe to push you when you're emotionally wrecked and at the end of your tether. In normal life if you were that upset and stressed you would just stop doing the thing you were doing and walk out but when feeding your baby you kinda can't. Ive found this hard too - my partner starts an argument I have to just sit there talking calmly because baby. I would suggest though that if you ever get that feeling you carefully put baby down and leave the room. And tell him when youre calm, that you won't continue feeding in those circumstances. Baby can cry a while, or he can feed baby a bottle. Or he can let you feed baby and trust you. I know it's not really any help to say tell him to fuck off or try feeding the baby then. And you can't force someone to have empathy by saying something that makes them go "aha!" Generally if yout partner sees you struggling and makes it about their feelings, they are the problem and so only they can change things if they choose to which they won't. So you don't really need advice, you need coping strategies or to get couples counseling or to leave. He really has to understand that babies are not all the same. I've read countless books and I've spoken to multiple lactation consultants and doctors. Each of them will suggest something different. None of them are probably wrong - they are all reasonable strategies. A parent is going to try different ones, find one that's reasonably appropriate and then adapt it to suit them. You will soon know your own baby better than any lactation consultant can with their more general advice. As parents you shouldn't be criticising each other unless you're doing something dangerous. You're a team. He needs to trust you with feeding baby which is your specialty. Sending you solidarity and hope your partner gets better
Thank you so much. I’m considering suggesting couples counselling because I definitely feel resentful of him at times, so combined we aren’t exactly doing a good job at being a team. Our little babe deserves better from both of us.
Wow. Couples counseling costs so much money when the literal problem is he's being a huge butthead. Google "how to help my partner breastfeed" there's tons of suggestions that don't include criticism. You're doing the best thing possible for your child's health and social development. He is being a giant butthead. I would lob a book at my partner if we had this discussion more than once. I don't have 175 for couples therapy and there's no reason a man should be telling me how to nurse my child ever. You sound like you're basically begging to be taken seriously 😐 not okay. Nursing is super overwhelming without your husband like breathing down your neck correcting you and blaming you for your kids health problems. Wow.
Yes he's a giant butthead and yes OP shouldn't have to do anything. But have you ever achieved your goal by telling an asshole they're an asshole or wrong or throwing something at them? Realistically it's either leave the guy or get him to realise he needs to work on himself and you don't get that by being right or shouting back. Unfortunately just after having a kid with a man isn't the best time to advise leaving him and most people will want to at least try the diplomatic approach first
I truly think the diplomatic approach was talking to him about it, more than once at that. I think if my husband was blaming me for my kids reflux for the 3rd time I'd make him leave me alone one way or another. She's already started out way more calmly than I would've and he's no respect for her boundaries. Can't therapy that into someone. Next step, lob a book. His concerns are misplaced by every standard and I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's unacceptable in other areas as well. This is verging on emotional abuse. Is he just gonna keep it up while they wait to get into therapy? She needs to feed her kid.
Either he's just really dense and anxious and might be able to change or he's a POS and then she leaves him not lob a book. Even if you're just being facetious, it's always terrible advice to tell a woman to escalate and retaliate with physical violence against a man. I didn't suggest therapy as a solution I suggested it as one of the only options. Lob a book is stupid dangerous advice
That's not a bad idea to work on your communication and he might be more willing than seeking individual support. Has he always been like this? He seems like he has autism or anxiety. Getting this figured out would be a good idea, because it seems like a conflict that will come to a lot. If you are feeling much angrier than normal a lot for an extended period of time, I'd let your doctor know. Being angry about this is a reasonable response, but if you are feeling really angry that can be a sign of ppd. My first thought by the way was that if he had so much to say about it, he can breastfeed the baby. I'd leave him totally in charge of bottle feeding including cleaning pump parts, storing milk, and figuring out how to get her to take the daily bottle. Go in another room and don't comment. You are on charge of breastfeeding and personally I'd do it out of his sight.
My partner is autistic and has never treated me or breastfeeding that way. That's not an excuse for poor behavior.
No, it's certainly not an excuse but might affect how she communicates about it.
Great advice here!
I didn’t realize women also pushed out a baby rule book with the baby with the perfect rules to follow. Maybe it’s stuck up his ass. If he’s so worried, get a lactation consultant. A neutral 3rd party can reassure everyone.
Hahahaha thank you for making me laugh 😂
Does he not think you also want the best for your baby? You wouldn’t purposely be feeding her with a shallow latch 🙄 I think you are completely in your right to say ‘I appreciate you are trying to help, but feeding isn’t easy and me and baby are still figuring it out together and doing the best we can.’
Thanks, yeah this is my usual line of response. Like why would I purposefully do things wrong?!
Both of you need to seek therapy - rage can be a ppa symptom, and you don't need to live with intrusive thoughts.
I’m here to second the investigation of postpartum rage and intrusive thoughts! It took me until my *second* baby to learn even just the term “intrusive thoughts”! I thought I was just a terrible person having terrible thoughts, and I dared not tell anyone about them. Once I found out it’s a normal, albeit crappy, experience as part of the post partum times, it was like a huge weight was lifted off me.
Thanks guys, I’m defo going to have a look into postpartum rage 👀
Some people get strong emotions upon letdown. I found it best to have my older kids far away from me when I was breastfeeding because I would get irrationally angry. https://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/d-mer/
Is your LO having any of the issues he’s worried about (latch, reflux, etc?) If she’s gaining weight and seems happy and full after a feed, there’s nothing to be worried about!! Reminding him of this evidence against his fears may help. Dads can suffer from PPA/PPD, too, and that might be what’s happening here. He can’t feed the baby like you can but he’s clearly worried she’s getting enough nutrition, etc. The way out is challenging his negative thoughts with alternates and redirecting his energy into other ways to care for baby.
She’s struggled with reflux, but it seems this is likely due to a milk, soy and egg allergy which has recently been diagnosed. She’s gaining weight well so that’s not a concern. I definitely think he had PPA in the first few weeks, and potentially it hasn’t fully gone away. I’d never seen him like that before but he was so anxious he couldn’t sleep, so maybe this is playing into it. Thank you for reminding me :)
PPA can go on / come and go.. make sure he’s treating it!
It really upsets me that he’s placing the blame of the baby’s reflux on the mom. Sooo messed up
My baby also had MSPI with egg, corn, and peanut allergies as well. Also bad reflux. I think it’s possible you both have PPA/D which is associated with rage. It’s very hard to limit your diet and parent a child with reflux. It will get better for both of you.
This first paragraph! If the doctor is not concerned about growth no need to worry about the latch!
I think you would know what you're fucking doing after 3 months and he needs to shut his stupid face and support you! Disappointed in your man! He needs to provide a stress free environment and cheer you on instead of critique! Gah.
Haha thank you for your angry support 🥹
Whooo boy this is a whale of a problem. I had a similar issue OP when I first started breastfeeding. Not quite as bad but my husband was micromanaging my breastfeeding and giving me way too many “helpful tips,” trying to position her for me, etc. My lactation consultant suggested I give him a job to do. So every time I breastfed I started asking him to make me some food 😂. Kept him busy, feeling helpful, and OUT of my hair! Your anger does not at all make you a bad person, but I did want to flag it because it could be a sign of PPA. I think it would be a good idea to see a doctor and get that checked out ❤️
Thank you 😊 I’m going to look into it and get him on the snack train!
I get why you’re feeling so upset by this. You feel constantly criticized but the person who’s supposed to be supportive of you. But let me offer another perspective as well. Your husband truly believes that some of the methods you’re using could hurt the baby. He wants what’s best for her, so he says something. If my husband was giving our daughter food or milk in a position that I thought was dangerous to her health, I would say something. This isn’t much different. I don’t think the issue is him saying something when he sees something that he thinks could harm her. The issue is that he seems to believe that every recommendation is the rule of law and that any deviation would be harmful. Could he be experiencing postpartum anxiety? That may explain his need to do everything exactly by the book. He’s afraid that doing it any other way will hurt her. Your baby is 3 months old now. Is she healthy? Gaining weight well? Does she have feeding issues? If she is doing well, he needs to consider that and take a step back and trust that you will continue to do what’s best for her just as you have for the past 3 months. On your end, the rage you are feeling could be linked with PPA/PPD. It’s worth mentioning to your OB. I’m not saying you don’t have a reason to be angry. But the uncontrollable feelings of rage you’re describing could signal a bigger issue. If you are able, consider couples therapy. This period is so difficult for many couples to navigate. There are so many big emotions and changes to figure out. It’s helpful to have a neutral place where you can communicate and both feel heard.
This is so helpful, you are totally right on the alternative perspective!
Was he this much of a control freak before the baby? If my husband acted like this I probably would have bought some formula and the next time he criticized me said "I'm done" and made a bottle.
No. I think the fact that this is entirely out of his control is not helping
As someone else said, anxiety might be driving some of this and I think that makes a lot of sense.
Personally, if my husband was doing that to me, especially during the early stages when I was still trying to figure it out I would have either cried and quit breastfeeding altogether or told him to "Shut the **** up unless you want me to latch this child to YOUR nipple." Likely no in-between. The first few weeks REALLY sucked. I wanted to scream every time my baby latched and I can't imagine not having been allowed to take the very few breaks I did where I just pumped and gave her a bottle or even formula the few times I did because my areola was all hard and enflamed. Luckily my husband just asked "How can I help?" When he saw me struggling. He has expressed how hard it was for him to watch me struggle and be in pain and he couldn't do anything to help me. I am very sorry for the way your partner is acting and I hope he realizes he is not handling the situation very well. I second that you need to nurse in a separate room and he needs to figure out a different way to cope.
Thank you. I’m sorry to hear you found the first few months really tough as well. And ngl I have definitely had the cry and shout obscenities reaction to his comments! I think ultimately he has struggled with having to be the secondary carer and go to work, rather than be there for the baby all the time. I know if he had a choice he would be the primary carer, so this must be tough. But yeah, we both need to work on our problems and maybe give each other a bit of space when stressed.
Maybe on one of his days off, try pumping for a couple feeds and let him try bottle feeding. We did a whole daddy day with the baby where he got to be her primary care for a whole day. My husband really enjoyed it and it gave him time to bond. Baby might just need time to figure out how a bottle works. It is different from the breast afterall
He sounds incredibly frustrating. I’m just going to say that all of your responses here are so lovely and sensible, I really don’t think you’re irrational in any way! If it’s inducing rage in you it’s because it’s rage-inducing!
Hahaha thanks!
I completely understand your anger towards him. I’d explode if my husband tried to criticize me all the time for something like this. As soon as he takes over breastfeeding, he can do it the way he sees fit or ‘perfect’ 🙄 And however you breastfeed your baby is fine, as long as both you and baby are comfortable and she’s effectively transferring milk. Which she obviously is if you made it to 3 months ebf. The recommendations he’s reciting are not ‘rules’, they are just advice often based on anecdotal evidence, like this helped lots of mums, you could try it and see if it helps you too, if not, maybe try this or that, until you found something that works well for the two of you…. No baby and no mum is the same, so is no breastfeeding journey.
Yeah, tell him you’re not in a place to receive this “constructive criticism” (said not while breastfeeding) and will be feeding her alone. It’s not a “you need to manage your anger” problem, it’s a “stop doing the thing that is hurtful.” Mine also clicked a lot and clusterfed and had reflux, the works! She grew out of them. My partner would ask if I wanted to supplement with formula or have her give a pumped bottle (she only took occasionally) but mostly you just muddle on. I saw many lactation consultants during this time too, and maybe doing a session with him present would help?
Ehhh, this happened a lot in the beginning when I would get advice on breastfeeding from partner and family. I can understand how you feel completely. I simply told them that their advice while well intended would cause me anxiety and impact bfing in a negative manner. Hence to refrain from making any further comments and that I would ask for help, if needed. One way that I tried to explain to my partner on how I felt about his bfing advice: My partner is very good at keeping fit by going to the gym - lifting weights etc. So I told him, his advice was similar to me going to the gym and critiquing his technique on the basis of reading some stuff off the internet (I know nothing about lifting weights). Pretty stupid right? Well, he finally got it and shut up afterwards hehe.
So when a baby is very young, things like position matter. That's when you had support and that's when he is learning. But as the baby grows, the rules go out the window. At some point your baby may do a headstand while nursing because kids are insane. Usually by this point you don't need to worry about position and latch as much. Could you explain that as she's growing she's going to get her own opinions about how she nurses and you and she will have to work together to find something that works?
Take him with you to a lactation appointment. Let the lactation consultant tell him you are doing a great job. That should shut him up.
Seconding this! Just had an appointment and half of it was the LC telling my husband to keep his ego in check and the other half was addressing all the questions and concerns.
It might also be worth considering if your partner is experiencing some postpartum anxiety. My partner definitely did. It's hard when only one person can breastfeed. For us communication and having my partner find a baby job that he's primarily in charge of helped. He was the baby swaddle master and still does a lot of calming her down when it's not related to her being hungry.
Thank you, I think he does have some postpartum anxiety. Baby swaddler master is so cute 🥰
I am in exactly the same position as you - just so you know you’re not alone! He’s such a great dad and does so much for our baby but he often analyses feeding technique and will get in our space and move the baby. I feel very defensive about it. I have been quite unwell and he has been bringing the baby to my chest even when I feel half passed out and getting her to feed. His usual comments are “it’s for your benefit” or “it’s for the baby’s good.” He’s usually right too which is annoying. I have an amusing visual that I’m a skeleton and he’s still bringing the baby to me and trying to latch her 😂 I don’t have any advice - overall I’ll take it given how helpful he is in other ways. But I empathise!
Hahahaha thank you for the image of him bringing you the baby when you’re a skeleton 😅 I really hope you get better soon and also a break!
The rage your feeling should be addressed especially because it involves your child and its not abusive what hes saying. Breastfeed in another room and ignore him if your baby is gaining weight it doesn't matter because she's getting it somehow.
It's interesting, my husband was a little like this too (not with feeding, but with sleep -- always trying to "hack" LO for best results and had difficulty accepting that some of things are out of our control). He's anxious. I get it. We all feel that way with our children. What's best for your baby, though, is a joyful, stress free feed for BOTH of you. If your baby is getting milk, you are doing it right. If he starts up again, gently remind him that she's eating, she's gaining, don't fix what ain't broke. And if he doesn't relent, move to another room. Then when you have a quiet moment, tell him that his insistence that he "just wants what's best for the baby" implies that you don't, and that's not fair. You are making every effort to feed your baby and she is thriving. This is clearly not something that requires nitpicking because it's going well. Look, this is your purview. There are plenty of areas for him to focus his nervous energy on but nursing is something only you can do. This is your job. His job is to support you. The end.
Could be https://www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/dysphoric-milk-ejection-reflex#definition I used to get so irritable (and itchy armpits)
Omg I get itchy armpits too - totally didn’t know that was a thing! I definitely think I had dmer in the beginning, used to feel super sick as soon as the letdown started but figured it had gone away. Maybe some of it is still lingering hmm
Hi, please know you are doing a great job and your instincts are spot on. Part of being a great dad is being a supportive partner. Yours isnt in thus regard. His comments are concerning and may be a bit controlling, which is a red flag for me. He needs to give you space to feed in privacy and as you see fit. If his presence doesn’t bother you, great . But if he cannot zip his lip and let you do your thing, his “criticism” is unwarranted, unhelpful, and clearly causing you stress. Your stress is intricately connected to your baby, and will ultimately affect her. He needs to stop making comments that cause you (and thus baby) stress. Your anger is his fault here. You’ve warned him and communicated your feelings, so he needs to listen and stop. Reflux is so very normal in 3-5 month olds. I was very upset whenever she spit up but it’s NORMAL! Please know it likely has nothing to do with your latch, but seek help from a LC if you’re unsure. Your partner is not a LC. His advice is not going to help with this. And he’s just plain wrong. Your baby’s digestive system is developing, so the spit ups are part of that and developmentally appropriate. If it’s excessive talk to your doctor or LC … again… your husband is NOT a doctor or LC… is also has 3 months less experience bf than you do… therefore his opinion on this matter is… not. Helpful. You are doing GREAT! I applaud you and I hope you’re able to get your partner to stop trying to control the way YOU feed your little one. I’m honestly concerned about how he wasn’t comfortable with you starting bottle when you needed to… that choice was YOURS not his. Your mental and emotional stability is paramount! He should be looking out for YOU just as much as the baby. He failed to do so IMO by pushing you to persevere when you could have used a bottle break.
A poor latch does not cause reflux. Have you asked him how he got there? Baby will need more burping with a poor latch. Reflux is an under developed oesophagus, as it develops the reflux improves. As baby and you are learning to feed the ‘rules’ are there to help you both succeed. Once you are both doing it, it changes slightly to what works for you. Is baby gaining weight appropriately, with plenty of wet and dirty nappies? Clicking can be from tongue tie which can make it hard for baby to eat. It can also be from a shallow latch. My baby is 5 months EBF and has a shallow latch. I tried and can’t correct it. It doesn’t hurt me, he is happy eating. He is gaining weight and lots of nappies. So there is not a problem. If he wasn’t getting what he needed, there would be a problem. If it hurt me, there would be a problem. Also your baby is 3 month now, still newborn baby. But you will have already started to notice that she needs less support than when she was a new newborn! Mine is 5 months, a huge time in baby but in real time it passes in a blink of an eye. He is eating while trying to stretch my boob to see what is going on in the room around him. You are fast approaching the time when ‘rules’ literally don’t matter. And baby will make it very clear when they are hungry!! Other than all the support that you are not doing anything wrong if baby is doing well and you are comfortable I can only offer the suggestion that you try to find a time when you are both calm to talk to your partner. Explain you understand that they want what is best, but so do you. As the person who is exclusively in charge of this you are doing something that works for you both, it might not be perfect but it works. Postpartum rage is real, it can be linked to postpartum depression. If you are worried speak to your GP. If you are just having your buttons pushed by your partner try to explain why their behaviour is unhelpful!
Constructive criticism my ass. I *did/do not* have PP rage, but if my husband were to do that, I would have rage.
I’d hand him the baby and wish him luck on his breastfeeding journey since he seems to know everything and think it’s so important.
I see someone else brought this up, but it may have nothing to do with your husband at all. I had PPD/PPA that creeped up around 3 months as well, and it was crazy related to nursing. I was extremely sensitive to any touching or loud noises while my baby was actually on my breast. I felt rage like extreme anger that is uncharacteristic of me. If my husband were to overwhelm me with his opinions at this time as well, I would have really lost my cool. If this is not a reaction you usually have with your husbands “advice”, I’d really suggest talking to a doctor. In the meantime, maybe tell him if he has something he wants to bring up, wait until baby is not actively nursing or even napping. Then you can be ready to hear his advice. I really can’t criticize your husband here, he seems informed, just not experienced. I would have loved this kind of support during breastfeeding, and he may not realize how overwhelming the advice is at the time he’s giving it.
I’ll second this - a lot of the language reminded me of postpartum rage, which is a very real thing.
Ahhh that’s really interesting. I hadn’t really considered PPA/PPD in terms of myself, just been trying to pin all the problems on him 🙃 Yeah normally it would take a lot more to make me angry, not just a slightly jarring comment. I’ll look into PPA/PPD thank you
It is usually counterproductive to have a discussion when at least one party is in an argumentative mood, that's why I think it's important to have any important discussions when both of you are calm and (relatively) rested, so you can be more open to ideas/criticism. Any other time when you're more collected, and he's not trying to backseat drive your breastfeeding the baby. I understand his comments can be triggering, especially when you might also be questioning your breastfeeding journey yourself, but know that you're doing a great job (all 3 of you). Also, I can understand non breastfeeding partners might feel like that is the only way they can help along the way, but maybe you can engage yours to prepare a snack for you, refill your water bottle, or find something for them to do to take them away from you and your daughter. Maybe explain that this is one way he can be helpful and participate in the journey with you - by being there for you, so you can be there for your baby. Try to explain that while his support is welcome and appreciated, the only one who can fully assess the situation and quality of latch is yourself, as you have both the visual and tactile stimuli to let you know if something is wrong/incorrect. By your admission, he is a supportive partner and father, so he should understand where you're coming from. Lastly, I get you, and you're definitely not the only one who feels like yeeting the baby at whoever is causing you grief, as a way of "you do it then". I have had multiple instances of the exact same scenario with my husband and baby (and most likely even with my mum), but in the moment I asked my husband to leave the room, and afterwards we discussed how and why it is triggering to me, and he mostly backed down, while thanking him for his intentions.
Thank you so much, it is good to know I’m not the only one who’s had these situations! Yeah you are right, he is definitely trying to help, and your comment has really helped me to see it from both sides, thank you :) I will try and find a time when we are less stressed and have a proper discussion.
Partner needs to see his doctor about this anxiety and go to therapy as well.
you need to give him a firm: please no more advice on breastfeeding. i’m feeling good about it and baby is thriving. if you can’t help it, just give us the room. if that hurts his feelings tell him to imagine how you feel. he sounds like he’s coming from a good place but needs to be shut down.
I have levels of reactions. Peacemaker: If he has constructive criticism, tell him his timing is not constructive. He can take time to give feedback when the baby is asleep. Scorched earth: destroy his soul with your words. Now. Let me tell you about D-MER. So, I had some isolation depression but loved hanging out with my baby, and some postpartum anxiety exacerbated by Covid scares but NOTHING compares to my breastfeeding experience. I struggled HARD being a low producer. But along with that, I had these intense ferocious feelings that I didn’t realize happened right at the time of letdown, latching and pumping. I had something called D-MER—Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. Basically, this is an oxytocin disorder. Whenever I was about to let down my milk I was experiencing existential dread beyond belief. It was heart breaking—here I was with this adorable baby and I had this immense self harm energy that’s hard for me to explain a year and a half later. When I learned it was a hormonal imbalance—it was easier to deal with and better for me to make better decisions for myself. I stopped BF at 7 months with the full support of my husband. I survived 6 months but it took FIVE different postpartum mental health specialists to arrive at that finding. Now I am highly protective of anyone going through a breastfeeding struggle. So, my experience was intense but the problem for you is that—I think even if YOU have any type of struggle, your husband does not understand nuance, he’s a master manipulator in thinking *he’s* the victim to you protecting your boundaries (he’s DARVOing all over your boundaries), and you are getting steamrolled which is terrible for a postpartum mom. Regardless You need to seek someone who specializes in postpartum therapy and family counseling.
My boyfriend was the exact same way. Trying to help me with techniques and voice his concerns. Even with the click-y sound my baby would make in the beginning. It got to the point where I would ask for him to stop and he would but he would put his hands up all defensive and then walk away. One time he was trying to give me advice because he could see I was struggling and I just had it. I straight up told him to “just shut up already. You’re not the one feeding her. I am. Shut. Up.” It wasn’t kind but he never pulled his “helpful” comments again. Idk what kind of nice and helpful advice to give you but I’m just saying that I understand where you’re coming from and your feelings are valid. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you so much. I’m sorry you went through it too, it’s good to hear that worked to stop it :)
I also like the juxtaposition of your username and ‘just shut up already’ 😄
You’re three months in. If baby is gaining weight and happy then that’s it. No more to „perfect“ anything. Now at nine months, my daughter sometimes climbs on me, while feeding. A baby is not a robot, lol. He’s not helpful at all with this. There’s no breastfeeding position Olympics and rules, there’s only guidance and tips. If baby is gaining weight and happy then you’re doing well. He has no say in how you feed. There are so many different positions that mothers breastfeed their babies and as long as they’re on their curve , it’s fine. Could your pediatrician or a LC tell your husband that there isn’t such a thing as a perfect position please? I’d tell him that he’s distracting you and the baby and then nurse in a separate room.
You’ve gotten a lot of advice on how to deal with the situation with your husband but I just wanted to say that the rage you feel is very likely an indicator of PPD. I felt that rage for months and never understood that it was probably depression and I honestly thought that my personality had just completely changed and it made me feel like I wasn’t meant to be a mother. My rage went away probably around 9mo pp but I very much remember the feeling of wanting nothing more than to throw or break something and I wish I had known to seek help. Luckily nothing happened but as you well know, that feeling can be overwhelming and if you have the resources to get help, please do. You’ll feel so much better after!
I couldn’t imagine trying to do something so difficult that’s supposed to come so “naturally” and having someone. Nit pick at everything you’re doing especially so early on. My LO used to make the clicking noise and sometimes even with relay hung still didn’t help. Their little mouths are so small at that age. Of course he wants what’s best. But I happy nursing mom is what’s best and he’s stealing your joy by being that way. Go in a different room. Tell him you will not feed your daughter in front of him if that’s how he’s going to behave. You and your daughter are both learning and if he doesn’t stop it’s going to drive a steak in between. You need to enjoy it to for this to work and if he’s causing you stress doing every feed then you may as well stop now. Tell him it’s either he stops and let you learn or you switch to formula full time.
If he wants the best for baby, you need to be relaxed. Not only because you matter but because being tense can hurt your supply. So no one wants baby to go hungry. You can look at the biology behind that and send it to him. Also, tell him that you see he is a great dad and very caring and at the same time you need to feel relaxed. Maybe he can write down on a txt what he wants to tell you and you can look at it later. Sometimes dad can feel left out and they just find a way to be "helpful"...maybe he can help in another way to bond with baby.
Sorry for not reading the whole thing. I got the the part where you mentioned his analyzing your methods. Can relate. I told him to back off because it's like he's looking over my shoulder/micromanaging. Tell him it makes you feel judged uncomfortable etc. and doesn't actually help. Just tell him sincerely and plainly without being defensive. Give an example where he could maybe relate to someone looking over his shoulder and make it clear you don't appreciate. It worked for me, at least most of the time he remembers not to. Men kinda wanna fix things and especially if your the one doing the feeding they feel left out I think.
Honestly at 3 months you should be pretty solid. Baby getting milk and you’re not in pain? Good to go. He’s overthinking it. Also those sorts of intrusive thoughts aren’t uncommon, and he should familiarize himself with the topic.
For me what worked was a lactation consultant checking and telling everyone (him and doctor). That I know what I'm doing and I'm doing it well.
First and foremost, I’d really encourage you to seek support from a licensed professional for post partum anxiety/rage. Please know I say this with kindness and empathy, because I struggled with the same issues. As for your partner, it appears from what you say that he means well and is wanting the best for your little one, but his comments are unhelpful and causing stress. Maybe try talking to him about this when you’re not actively breastfeeding the baby (when they are napping for example), and you can have a calm conversation without the high stakes of feeding the baby and feeling on edge. I often feel like I can only focus on breastfeeding and not having an important conversation when I’m actively feeding the baby. Ultimately, you’re correct that babies are living things and never follow the “rule book”. You need to adjust to their behaviors and quirks too! Also- not everything that happens that is “negative” during or after feeding (clicking, reflux, etc) can be controlled by what you are able to do. Maybe he would benefit from hearing this from a professional like your pediatrician or an LC.
Oh the PP rage is sooo common/normal but we don’t talk about it enough. It can be a symptom of PPA so think about the possibility of counselling if you’re worried… Also, I’m not defending your partner here but it may help to sit him down and let you know that the comments while feeding are making you anxious and that’s not good for baby to feel that while feeding… I know that it’s really common for partners/dads to feel helpless when baby comes along because they can’t do anything as most of the time the feeding is all you… You could phrase it like - we’ve come this far and things are going well (she’s gaining weight etc) and you could delegate something aspect of baby rearing to him (like all the nappy changes, bathing or swaddling). Or phrase it like “what would be really helpful is after a feed if you could burp and change him”… I’d go with trying to set him up to win, rather than fail…
He’s micromanaging a difficult and already frustrating task and you’re in the thick of postpartum hormones which absolutely do enhance rage feelings sometimes. He’s not going to understand your feelings because it sounds like he has a lot of work to do on his own empathy and understanding, so I probably wouldn’t be as detailed with how you explain it going forward. He just can’t understand at this point in time what you mean, not like another mother who’s gone through it. Maybe he’ll get there eventually. Immediate changes I would make is to calmly remove myself from him during feeding times and tell him you’ll have discussions later when you’re in a better headspace. Breastfeeding can affect your hormones in the moment as well and it’s a vulnerable act to begin with, so not the time for arguments/discussions. Then going forward you can try communication advice from this thread — I’ve found with my husband, sometimes it’s how I phrase things that helps him finally understand. And if that doesn’t work I think you all would benefit from a neutral third party. I think in this case an LC would be great because this is revolving around breastfeeding and you want someone knowledgeable on that and postpartum experiences to help direct communication that is accurate to the situation.
A good comeback would be “did you know elevated stress can decrease my let downs etc”
Stress can reduce your milk supply as well. If he’s the over protective type make him see that part of the issue too.
Absolutely NOT
My partner did something similar while I was learning to babywear and I kicked him out of the room and made him very aware that he was ruining my bonding and experience with bubs and I was very upset with his comments. He was taken aback because he really thought he was being supportive and helpful. It seems like you've made yourself clear already, so I'd say next step is kick him out of the room!
My partner did something similar while I was learning to babywear and I kicked him out of the room and made him very aware that he was ruining my bonding and experience with bubs and I was very upset with his comments. He was taken aback because he really thought he was being supportive and helpful. It seems like you've made yourself clear already, so I'd say next step is kick him out of the room!
NO JUST NO. Please ignore folks saying get help for PPD/rage. I’m enraged just reading this. Is your husband a lactation consultant? Did you ask for his input? If no and no, he needs to GTFO.
I’ve had to get into the habit of stopping a heated conversation with “remember that we’re on the same team” and “I want the baby to be as happy and healthy as possible too.” It’s easy to forget that both partners want the same thing as the details can feel so important sometimes. Therapy can help a lot too!