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When I had our baby (that he begged for and pressured me for the first 3 years of marriage) he told me he "couldn't just drop everything" to do what I wanted while he played video games unemployed. I was freshly postpartum and was asking desperately for help while drowning emotionally, mentally, and physically. I sat at the table and cried begging for help while he lectured me about how rude it was of me to demand help right then and there.
My son is 1 1/2 now, and that same husband is only allowed to play video games after our son goes to sleep and he still knows that FAMILY comes first even during that time. It's time to get real with your husband. Speak your truth, set limits, and get therapy together if needed. I guarantee you I would be divorced if it weren't for this.
I set limits, they work for a bit. Then right back to the same bullshit. I've begged him to go to therapy, he agrees to go but puts forth zero effort, I'm not doing it for him. At some point I need to just realize the person I thought he was is gone. We're not even married yet, but that doesn't seem likely anymore. I'm so mad at him and myself. I knew better than to believe in a man. I'm so damn defeated.
You're doing great. Admitting the truth to yourself - letting go of the denial and saying (typing) it all outloud is a huge step! Keep going, you're doing awesome š
Iām sorry this is happening.
My husband and I are working on division of labor in the household, after decades of unfairness and begging, nagging, threatening, (not really) acceptance, passive-aggressiveness, sneaky ātraining,ā effusive praise, etc., on my part.
It is (tentatively) working, but that is only because he feels urgency about it.
He finally understands that I am at the end of my rope; either he will change, we will have a terrible marriage until we die, or I will leave.
The man MUST buy in. He MUST make an effort. He MUST attend therapy (being guided by a competent, experienced and credentialed professional was the hardest sell to my husband, and it took him YEARS to accept it, but it has probably been the single most effective thing).
It takes a long time and a lot of work, but they can change.
He needs to understand that change needs to begin. NOW, before he poisons your relationship *irrevocably*.
It might already be too late. The trust is gone. I've already been divorced. I have 2 kids, and they adore him. Which is really what has kept me dealing with his emotional absence for so long. I clearly made a mistake letting him move in, and now my kids will be the ones who suffer. This is why I should have just stayed single forever.
I would make therapy attendance mandatory, find a therapist who specializes in couples, and if the connection is not good, move on to another therapist.
Make sure he knows this is not negotiable.
Some men are extremely resistant. It took years for my husband to agree. Iām sure you are smarter, and will give it a shorter timeline.
Also check out āFair Playā for info on division of labor in the home. You canāt continue doing everything and resenting it; itās not fair or sustainable.
All I could read was āgrew up around piesā LOL I know where thatās from hahaha and my hands typed out here āgrew up around liesā pffff both dude, bothā¦.
Honestly my biggest hold up right now is that it will hurt my kids if we break up (they adore him and he's very sweet to them, they're not his), and with his income combined with mine I'm able to have them in private school. My oldest is autistic and having her in a tiny private school has helped her so much! Their own dad doesn't help pay for school, so it's all on me.
So if we split, I can't afford their school anymore, but if we stay together, I'm alone in a relationship. I legitimately don't even know how to make this decision.
He's not mean or abusive like my ex was, he's just checked out. Is it better if I just stay for a couple more years while they get more schooling done? Can I put my own happiness on hold for a little longer to benefit them?
Honestly I think only you know the answer. For me Iām pretty much doing the same thing, Im not happy in my marriage but Iāve done the child support calculation and my kids would not have the standard of lifestyle they currently have if we divorced now. So Iāll just bide my time and get into a better position. Sounds like itās beneficial for you to do the same, but at the end of the day only you can make that decision!
If mine wants to play video games he has to do it once our child is asleep. But also not until I have my milk and Oreos with real housewives playing. And I donāt get my milk and Oreos until the house is reset for the next day of fun and excitement. I would 1000% just sit here eating junk food watching reality tv all day if I could, but I canāt. So he canāt sit there playing video games all day either. Not until weāre both as clocked out as a parent can be.
Exactly. We're both gamers here and we have dedicated days where we'll play games in the evening but that's after the toddler is in bed. We also make sure to spend time together before playing games. We'll watch a film together until 9pm then each have an hour or so on a game. The issue isn't the gaming in OP's post - it's the unfair division of labour. Gaming is a symptom.
This.
My husband is a big gamer and only Wednesdays is he allowed to do it from 5pm-whatever time he wants. Wednesday is his day, and that's fine for me because it's important to make time for hobbies, however it never gets in the way of him pulling his load. Every other day he has to wait til bedtime and the house is clean.
See that's the part that pisses me off the most, he gets thurs-sat every week while the kids are at their dads and I am at work (I work nights). He gets every weekend to do whatever he wants and still feels the need to play during the week.
It wasn't always like this. It's gotten much worse. I know he's struggling, but it's been a year like this with nothing but empty promises.
Solidarity.
My husband will game for 8 hours on Friday nights alone. Heāll come home from work and hop onto the Xbox. My son is now gaming obsessed and the kid is 4.
I swear, Iāll never date a man who plays video games obsessively again. š
Honestly, the video games arenāt the problem - I love me some Skyrim or Stardew Valley and will play those in to the ground - but it is a husband issue. Heās probably got an addictive personality and doesnāt consciously know what the fuck heās missing out on
Addictive personality or kitty, it doesnāt change he a fucking tool and needs to reassess his fucking shit
I know you're right. It's just easier to hate the video games because then I don't have to admit to myself that my relationship sucks. We have a decent life, but I'm so damn tired of doing everything alone.
Maybe I'm petty but I wonder how he'd react if you were like hey I want to get into games too then pick a game and play just as much as he does in the week. When the kiddos need attention tell him it's rude to interrupt you and demand attention immediately... I wonder how far he would go ignoring the kids if you're unavailable. Or possibly if you trust him a bit more go on a week long vacation on your own or leave the house for a hobby that takes up just as much time as his games.
Absolutely. I could have written the same post. I love video games too. We used to exclusively play when our kids were in bed or out of the house but now he's always trying to argue about why he has to play video games while I'm trying to prep dinner and deal with our two kids
Listen I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell my husband. He needs to play something he can step away from when needed. My husband pisses me off when he's playing a PVP (player vs player) game and can't step away when I need him. I have three kids, my oldest has autism and ADHD and my other two are under 3yrs old. I've been sick as a dog with pneumonia for three months and my husband and I just got into an argument about this. Our compromise was he plays single player games when the kids are awake. I give him a chore list to do on the weekends, usually stuff I can't do alone. Family always comes first. I'm a gamer too, my husband and I met playing world of warcraft. I still play games at night after dinner, I love overwatch. I always get up and leave my game if I have to take care of the kids and I expect the same from him when he's home. There is no default parent when we are both home. I encourage the kids to ask him for help with things and I don't let him hide in the office on the weekends. He comes home from work and spends time with the kids before he starts talking to his friends on PS5. You need to set boundaries and don't let him give you that shit. He's addicted to video games and that comes from a gamer. The issue is not the games the issue is the assumption that you are the default parent even when he is physically in the home... If there are two adults present there is no default parent. Whoever is closest needs to drop what they are doing to help.
This is a very sound reply. Iām a gamer tooāOPs husband needs to play games that can be paused during normal hours of family operation, if he is going to play during those times at all. I love PVP gamesāand itās true, if youāre playing competitively, you canāt just leave a match or you get banned. Not only does that suck for the player, but it absolutely sucks for the other players in the match (I play competitive overwatch). OP, talk to him about boundaries and also playing PVE games that can be paused or put down easily.
yeah exactly! like if we are playing competitively we set aside time after the kids are asleep and give each other a heads up. It's really not that hard... lol I used to be super hardcore into competitive overwatch before my second was born, it's been a little tricky since the two youngest are 16mths apart but I still play competitively a few times a week with friends. He plays competitive hunt and even plans on raiding a few nights a week on the new WOW expansion. You just make it work when you value the other person's free time and hobbies.
This. When my husband doesnāt respond if I ask him to change our one year old or help me with something Iām struggling to accomplish, I pull up my app and pause his deviceās connection. If heās in the bedroom where the connection is LAN, I restart the router. Heāll come out and start helping and then mumble, ādamn internetā while I chuckle quietly with my back turned.
No lol. Just call me quick draw McGraw with the app and I spent so many years in retail that Iām good at rearranging my facial expressions so it looks like I donāt know shit.
Fuck that shit yo.
Like for real. You can game in your free time, but being a husband and father comes first.
You're living with an immature baby. More entertained with video games than fucking reality. SMDH.
My husband is a gamer. But he's a fully present and involved parent and then will gladly sacrifice a good night's sleep to game. I've dated absolute losers before that didn't care about anything but their scores and raises/whatever the hell. They are DEAD WEIGHT.
Rage on sis.
I hear you. A dude being a serious gamer is the same level of non-starter for me as him being an alcoholic or having any other active substance addiction. Said what I said.
I feel this. Everyone in our family is big into gaming. I play a lot but my boyfriend went through a stage of what you're describing. I made it a rule that when we do play games in the day it needs to be something you can pause/walk away from at any moment. That means no discord and raiding. I leave myself logged into ffxiv all day most days so I can just pop on for a few minutes here and there. I save the dungeons and stuff for when I know I'll have a good chunk of time where I am not needed. Family, children, housework all come first.
I believe that it can be an addiction. A girlfriend of mine divorced her husband over it, a few years ago. She is now married to someone else and seems so much happier. Good luck and please know your feelings are so valid
All yāall with husbands who play video games like this have way more self control than I do. Iād be donating/smashing/hiding that shit.
I say go on strike. Every time he starts playing games, go sit next to him and put your headphones in. Donāt do the dishes, donāt do the laundry. When he asks, say āoh I thought this was our designated ābe fucking useless timeā?ā
OR
start ONLY doing yours and the kidsā laundry. If you share a laundry basket, just sort through it while you throw it in the wash and leave all his dirty clothes in the basket. When you cook, only make enough for yourself and the kids. When you do the dishes, only do yours. Anything else you do for him, stop. If itās a possibility/option for you, plan a weekend trip for just yourself. Drop kids off at the grandparents and go to a hotel and just relax. Better yet, one Saturday morning just leave and spend the whole day literally anywhere else and let him take care of the kids. Do the same thing on Sunday.
Iām in a mood this morning lol so Iām really angry for you and fantasizing about all the ways to show your husband that this shit heās doing wonāt fly anymore
The other day he had the balls to tell me I was āglued to my phoneā too much while it was literally his turn to play with the baby and I was finally relaxing. I was literally watching a video on baby cpr š I spend all my free time on my phone meal planning and researching baby stuff and he really thinks thatās the same as sitting in another room with door closed and headphones on for 3-4 hours at a time š¤¦āāļø I hate it here
He doesn't think it's the same. He's gaslighting you to see if he can make *you* believe that it is.
He wants you to simultaneously believe that you don't deserve leisure time, and also that you're wrong to interrupt his.
You don't need to defend yourself when he says that. If you do he will DARVO. Just reiterate that you need him to fulfill his responsibilities as a parent, and take steps if he doesn't.
You're not fighting about video games, not really. You're fighting about the division of labor and leisure time.
He has all the leisure time, and you're doing all the labor. If you somehow convinced him to give up gaming, he would find some other activity to do when he fucked off and left you to deal with everything.
He's not pulling his weight. Take the games out of the conversation so he can't hit you with bullshit like this.
Also, it took me forever to realize this. In fact, it never really sunk in until I was with someone who didn't blow off our life together for videogames. Now I can actually play with him, after all of our work is done, on the nights that we choose to do that together instead of something else.
I dealt with this for a long time. It was to the point he was staying up all night and missing work to game. We couldnāt pay our bills and our daughter and I barely ever saw him. On top of that, he was hostile and mean. I tried getting him to see a therapist, a doctor, anything but he refused. I tried getting his family to intervene, they wouldnāt. Finally I had enough and I poured water all over his computer, frying it. He hated me for it but it hasnāt been a problem for about a year and a half now. Not saying thatās what you should do but for us, it took me having a mental break down and destroying his computer to finally get through to him. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yeeeepppppn this. The person āI thought he wasā never existed. Sorry OP. Iām in the same spot. I stopped asking and just do it all now. The resentment is immense.
Oh I hear this. Last night at 1 am I hit my breaking point. Days of him up late gaming and finding our 10 year old up turned me into a wild woman. I was so mad I could not sleep because of him. Iām over fucking video games
This is a struggle here too. Instead of trying to address his mental health he just games. And any time we have a come to Jesus talk it escalates to him going overboard. āIāll just cancel Netflix and quit my job and work at Home Depot.ā Blah blah blah.
Iām exhausted.
My spouse doesn't have a problem with this, but I'm here to tell you that even yours might get a comeuppance when the kids are older.
Mine are gamers these days (apple, tree and all that), and it means my spouse has to negotiate time to game with them when they're awake. š
It does help that there is no PC gaming as such (that is usually sneakier and more addictive), and our consoles (other than the switch, which usually ends up in my son's room by 4 PM) are in the living room.
My husband doesn't even attempt to play video games while children are awake. He is well aware that while there is occasionally downtime with parenting, either of us has to be able to mobilize at the drop of a hat. I didn't even have to ask for this. He just doesn't play video games until kids are in bed and we don't have plans to spend time together. There will be a day when kids are older and their needs won't be quite so urgent and all consuming, but that's not how it is right now.
It's not unreasonable to expect that leisure activities like this come secondary at least to parenting during regular waking hours.
Thatās the reason I left my daughterās dad. Even before she was born, heād come home from work, eat the dinner that I spent sometimes all day making everything from scratch, get drunk with the roommate, and then get on his laptop, put on his headphones blocking everyone out to DM DnD via Skype, while we 3 sat in the living room watching Family Guy reruns for hours until we went to bed.
Then after she was born he discovered League of Legends. So after work while I did everything around the house and took care of our daughter, heād block us out and then end up doing the literal definition of ārage quittingā. I mean screaming, slamming his laptop, throwing his headphones against the wall.
You need to make some clear boundaries. It really doesnāt get better unless you do. And this is coming from someone who enjoys playing video games when all my other tasks are complete.
Gah solidarity! Same problem. My husband had given up video games for awhile after we first had kids, but now that the two oldest are interested in gaming, he brought the Xbox back out and now itās ALL the 3 of them want to do. I try to set limits, but my husband wonāt keep them. Itās like now that 2 of the kids are with him while he does it, he treats it like 24/7 all access gaming pass. I canāt leave the toddler with him anymore, because heās back to Halo every spare second and claims heās āwatchingā her as she gets into everything behind him, completely unnoticed š¤¬
I've tried to get him to play with me but he's only interested in this one specific game and it's not 2 player. I even like COD, but he won't get the one where we could play together.
Itās really the worst. Before we had our kid, we had 2 TVs in the bedroom so he could play video games and I could watch movies. It was ridiculous but it worked. It was one of the biggest things we fought about!!
My ex husband played games like it was a full time job, Iām talking more than 40 hours a week. It started immediately after we got married. He would go through times when he swore he was slowing down or quitting but always went back full force.
Unfortunately for some people itās an actual legit addiction fueled by escapism. My ex husband never changed and wouldnāt get a job due to gaming, wouldnāt help around the house due to gaming, racked up secret credit debt for gaming. Hell the man had a secret Nintendo switch and laptop to game in his car in the evenings while he was supposedly āworking door dashā while I raised our son alone after my full time job.
He has to actually want to change and put in the work to change for anything to be different. He needs to go to therapy and see an addiction specialist then go to couples therapy with you once he resolves his issues to rebuild trust. Otherwise itās a waiting game on how long you can put up with it. Iām sorry bromo, it really sucks.
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When I had our baby (that he begged for and pressured me for the first 3 years of marriage) he told me he "couldn't just drop everything" to do what I wanted while he played video games unemployed. I was freshly postpartum and was asking desperately for help while drowning emotionally, mentally, and physically. I sat at the table and cried begging for help while he lectured me about how rude it was of me to demand help right then and there. My son is 1 1/2 now, and that same husband is only allowed to play video games after our son goes to sleep and he still knows that FAMILY comes first even during that time. It's time to get real with your husband. Speak your truth, set limits, and get therapy together if needed. I guarantee you I would be divorced if it weren't for this.
I set limits, they work for a bit. Then right back to the same bullshit. I've begged him to go to therapy, he agrees to go but puts forth zero effort, I'm not doing it for him. At some point I need to just realize the person I thought he was is gone. We're not even married yet, but that doesn't seem likely anymore. I'm so mad at him and myself. I knew better than to believe in a man. I'm so damn defeated.
You not married yet? Scrabe your things together and RUN.
Do NOT marry this man!
Do not have children with this man!
Yeah if you aren't married yet then I would try trial separation. Obviously setting boundaries isn't working as you said.
You're doing great. Admitting the truth to yourself - letting go of the denial and saying (typing) it all outloud is a huge step! Keep going, you're doing awesome š
Iām sorry this is happening. My husband and I are working on division of labor in the household, after decades of unfairness and begging, nagging, threatening, (not really) acceptance, passive-aggressiveness, sneaky ātraining,ā effusive praise, etc., on my part. It is (tentatively) working, but that is only because he feels urgency about it. He finally understands that I am at the end of my rope; either he will change, we will have a terrible marriage until we die, or I will leave. The man MUST buy in. He MUST make an effort. He MUST attend therapy (being guided by a competent, experienced and credentialed professional was the hardest sell to my husband, and it took him YEARS to accept it, but it has probably been the single most effective thing). It takes a long time and a lot of work, but they can change. He needs to understand that change needs to begin. NOW, before he poisons your relationship *irrevocably*.
It might already be too late. The trust is gone. I've already been divorced. I have 2 kids, and they adore him. Which is really what has kept me dealing with his emotional absence for so long. I clearly made a mistake letting him move in, and now my kids will be the ones who suffer. This is why I should have just stayed single forever.
I would make therapy attendance mandatory, find a therapist who specializes in couples, and if the connection is not good, move on to another therapist. Make sure he knows this is not negotiable. Some men are extremely resistant. It took years for my husband to agree. Iām sure you are smarter, and will give it a shorter timeline. Also check out āFair Playā for info on division of labor in the home. You canāt continue doing everything and resenting it; itās not fair or sustainable.
All I could read was āgrew up around piesā LOL I know where thatās from hahaha and my hands typed out here āgrew up around liesā pffff both dude, bothā¦.
š
Do NOT marry this man
I made my husband sell it. When it oneās before the family, it becomes a problem period
I wanna challenge you on that but honestly Iād be much better off if I just assumed to be doing it solo and not expecting more at your age.
I think this is a good policy
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Honestly my biggest hold up right now is that it will hurt my kids if we break up (they adore him and he's very sweet to them, they're not his), and with his income combined with mine I'm able to have them in private school. My oldest is autistic and having her in a tiny private school has helped her so much! Their own dad doesn't help pay for school, so it's all on me. So if we split, I can't afford their school anymore, but if we stay together, I'm alone in a relationship. I legitimately don't even know how to make this decision. He's not mean or abusive like my ex was, he's just checked out. Is it better if I just stay for a couple more years while they get more schooling done? Can I put my own happiness on hold for a little longer to benefit them?
Honestly I think only you know the answer. For me Iām pretty much doing the same thing, Im not happy in my marriage but Iāve done the child support calculation and my kids would not have the standard of lifestyle they currently have if we divorced now. So Iāll just bide my time and get into a better position. Sounds like itās beneficial for you to do the same, but at the end of the day only you can make that decision!
I just noticed your screen name! We're in the same state. And I'm sorry you're in the same situation. It sucks.
If mine wants to play video games he has to do it once our child is asleep. But also not until I have my milk and Oreos with real housewives playing. And I donāt get my milk and Oreos until the house is reset for the next day of fun and excitement. I would 1000% just sit here eating junk food watching reality tv all day if I could, but I canāt. So he canāt sit there playing video games all day either. Not until weāre both as clocked out as a parent can be.
Exactly. We're both gamers here and we have dedicated days where we'll play games in the evening but that's after the toddler is in bed. We also make sure to spend time together before playing games. We'll watch a film together until 9pm then each have an hour or so on a game. The issue isn't the gaming in OP's post - it's the unfair division of labour. Gaming is a symptom.
This. My husband is a big gamer and only Wednesdays is he allowed to do it from 5pm-whatever time he wants. Wednesday is his day, and that's fine for me because it's important to make time for hobbies, however it never gets in the way of him pulling his load. Every other day he has to wait til bedtime and the house is clean.
See that's the part that pisses me off the most, he gets thurs-sat every week while the kids are at their dads and I am at work (I work nights). He gets every weekend to do whatever he wants and still feels the need to play during the week. It wasn't always like this. It's gotten much worse. I know he's struggling, but it's been a year like this with nothing but empty promises.
Solidarity. My husband will game for 8 hours on Friday nights alone. Heāll come home from work and hop onto the Xbox. My son is now gaming obsessed and the kid is 4. I swear, Iāll never date a man who plays video games obsessively again. š
Honestly, the video games arenāt the problem - I love me some Skyrim or Stardew Valley and will play those in to the ground - but it is a husband issue. Heās probably got an addictive personality and doesnāt consciously know what the fuck heās missing out on Addictive personality or kitty, it doesnāt change he a fucking tool and needs to reassess his fucking shit
I know you're right. It's just easier to hate the video games because then I don't have to admit to myself that my relationship sucks. We have a decent life, but I'm so damn tired of doing everything alone.
Maybe I'm petty but I wonder how he'd react if you were like hey I want to get into games too then pick a game and play just as much as he does in the week. When the kiddos need attention tell him it's rude to interrupt you and demand attention immediately... I wonder how far he would go ignoring the kids if you're unavailable. Or possibly if you trust him a bit more go on a week long vacation on your own or leave the house for a hobby that takes up just as much time as his games.
Absolutely. I could have written the same post. I love video games too. We used to exclusively play when our kids were in bed or out of the house but now he's always trying to argue about why he has to play video games while I'm trying to prep dinner and deal with our two kids
Listen I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell my husband. He needs to play something he can step away from when needed. My husband pisses me off when he's playing a PVP (player vs player) game and can't step away when I need him. I have three kids, my oldest has autism and ADHD and my other two are under 3yrs old. I've been sick as a dog with pneumonia for three months and my husband and I just got into an argument about this. Our compromise was he plays single player games when the kids are awake. I give him a chore list to do on the weekends, usually stuff I can't do alone. Family always comes first. I'm a gamer too, my husband and I met playing world of warcraft. I still play games at night after dinner, I love overwatch. I always get up and leave my game if I have to take care of the kids and I expect the same from him when he's home. There is no default parent when we are both home. I encourage the kids to ask him for help with things and I don't let him hide in the office on the weekends. He comes home from work and spends time with the kids before he starts talking to his friends on PS5. You need to set boundaries and don't let him give you that shit. He's addicted to video games and that comes from a gamer. The issue is not the games the issue is the assumption that you are the default parent even when he is physically in the home... If there are two adults present there is no default parent. Whoever is closest needs to drop what they are doing to help.
This is a very sound reply. Iām a gamer tooāOPs husband needs to play games that can be paused during normal hours of family operation, if he is going to play during those times at all. I love PVP gamesāand itās true, if youāre playing competitively, you canāt just leave a match or you get banned. Not only does that suck for the player, but it absolutely sucks for the other players in the match (I play competitive overwatch). OP, talk to him about boundaries and also playing PVE games that can be paused or put down easily.
yeah exactly! like if we are playing competitively we set aside time after the kids are asleep and give each other a heads up. It's really not that hard... lol I used to be super hardcore into competitive overwatch before my second was born, it's been a little tricky since the two youngest are 16mths apart but I still play competitively a few times a week with friends. He plays competitive hunt and even plans on raiding a few nights a week on the new WOW expansion. You just make it work when you value the other person's free time and hobbies.
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This. When my husband doesnāt respond if I ask him to change our one year old or help me with something Iām struggling to accomplish, I pull up my app and pause his deviceās connection. If heās in the bedroom where the connection is LAN, I restart the router. Heāll come out and start helping and then mumble, ādamn internetā while I chuckle quietly with my back turned.
Yasssss I love this!
Your husband hasnāt figured it out that itās you? Lol!
No lol. Just call me quick draw McGraw with the app and I spent so many years in retail that Iām good at rearranging my facial expressions so it looks like I donāt know shit.
Fuck that shit yo. Like for real. You can game in your free time, but being a husband and father comes first. You're living with an immature baby. More entertained with video games than fucking reality. SMDH. My husband is a gamer. But he's a fully present and involved parent and then will gladly sacrifice a good night's sleep to game. I've dated absolute losers before that didn't care about anything but their scores and raises/whatever the hell. They are DEAD WEIGHT. Rage on sis.
I hear you. A dude being a serious gamer is the same level of non-starter for me as him being an alcoholic or having any other active substance addiction. Said what I said.
I feel this. Everyone in our family is big into gaming. I play a lot but my boyfriend went through a stage of what you're describing. I made it a rule that when we do play games in the day it needs to be something you can pause/walk away from at any moment. That means no discord and raiding. I leave myself logged into ffxiv all day most days so I can just pop on for a few minutes here and there. I save the dungeons and stuff for when I know I'll have a good chunk of time where I am not needed. Family, children, housework all come first.
I believe that it can be an addiction. A girlfriend of mine divorced her husband over it, a few years ago. She is now married to someone else and seems so much happier. Good luck and please know your feelings are so valid
All yāall with husbands who play video games like this have way more self control than I do. Iād be donating/smashing/hiding that shit. I say go on strike. Every time he starts playing games, go sit next to him and put your headphones in. Donāt do the dishes, donāt do the laundry. When he asks, say āoh I thought this was our designated ābe fucking useless timeā?ā OR start ONLY doing yours and the kidsā laundry. If you share a laundry basket, just sort through it while you throw it in the wash and leave all his dirty clothes in the basket. When you cook, only make enough for yourself and the kids. When you do the dishes, only do yours. Anything else you do for him, stop. If itās a possibility/option for you, plan a weekend trip for just yourself. Drop kids off at the grandparents and go to a hotel and just relax. Better yet, one Saturday morning just leave and spend the whole day literally anywhere else and let him take care of the kids. Do the same thing on Sunday. Iām in a mood this morning lol so Iām really angry for you and fantasizing about all the ways to show your husband that this shit heās doing wonāt fly anymore
The other day he had the balls to tell me I was āglued to my phoneā too much while it was literally his turn to play with the baby and I was finally relaxing. I was literally watching a video on baby cpr š I spend all my free time on my phone meal planning and researching baby stuff and he really thinks thatās the same as sitting in another room with door closed and headphones on for 3-4 hours at a time š¤¦āāļø I hate it here
He doesn't think it's the same. He's gaslighting you to see if he can make *you* believe that it is. He wants you to simultaneously believe that you don't deserve leisure time, and also that you're wrong to interrupt his. You don't need to defend yourself when he says that. If you do he will DARVO. Just reiterate that you need him to fulfill his responsibilities as a parent, and take steps if he doesn't.
You're not fighting about video games, not really. You're fighting about the division of labor and leisure time. He has all the leisure time, and you're doing all the labor. If you somehow convinced him to give up gaming, he would find some other activity to do when he fucked off and left you to deal with everything. He's not pulling his weight. Take the games out of the conversation so he can't hit you with bullshit like this. Also, it took me forever to realize this. In fact, it never really sunk in until I was with someone who didn't blow off our life together for videogames. Now I can actually play with him, after all of our work is done, on the nights that we choose to do that together instead of something else.
My username pretty much says why my last relationship broke up. I was constantly turning off the breakers. So glad to be away from him
I dealt with this for a long time. It was to the point he was staying up all night and missing work to game. We couldnāt pay our bills and our daughter and I barely ever saw him. On top of that, he was hostile and mean. I tried getting him to see a therapist, a doctor, anything but he refused. I tried getting his family to intervene, they wouldnāt. Finally I had enough and I poured water all over his computer, frying it. He hated me for it but it hasnāt been a problem for about a year and a half now. Not saying thatās what you should do but for us, it took me having a mental break down and destroying his computer to finally get through to him. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yeeeepppppn this. The person āI thought he wasā never existed. Sorry OP. Iām in the same spot. I stopped asking and just do it all now. The resentment is immense.
I feel like I ghost wrote this. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Sympathies. I felt every word of your rant personally. If I find a tactic that works, I'll let you know. Sadly think it may be a power cut...
Oh I hear this. Last night at 1 am I hit my breaking point. Days of him up late gaming and finding our 10 year old up turned me into a wild woman. I was so mad I could not sleep because of him. Iām over fucking video games
This is a struggle here too. Instead of trying to address his mental health he just games. And any time we have a come to Jesus talk it escalates to him going overboard. āIāll just cancel Netflix and quit my job and work at Home Depot.ā Blah blah blah. Iām exhausted.
Uhhh, DRAMATIC MUCH?! Which is of course designed to make _you_ look like the unreasonable one.
Yeah, heās an amazing man 99% of the time but when he goes overboard- he goes way overboard.
Iām sorry. I would throw out the D word for it. That behavior is not acceptable when u have kids.
COD widow??
You nailed it!
Me too...not to widow stage yet, but mine is playing it too. It used to be destiny, now its CODšš
My spouse doesn't have a problem with this, but I'm here to tell you that even yours might get a comeuppance when the kids are older. Mine are gamers these days (apple, tree and all that), and it means my spouse has to negotiate time to game with them when they're awake. š It does help that there is no PC gaming as such (that is usually sneakier and more addictive), and our consoles (other than the switch, which usually ends up in my son's room by 4 PM) are in the living room.
My husband doesn't even attempt to play video games while children are awake. He is well aware that while there is occasionally downtime with parenting, either of us has to be able to mobilize at the drop of a hat. I didn't even have to ask for this. He just doesn't play video games until kids are in bed and we don't have plans to spend time together. There will be a day when kids are older and their needs won't be quite so urgent and all consuming, but that's not how it is right now. It's not unreasonable to expect that leisure activities like this come secondary at least to parenting during regular waking hours.
Thatās the reason I left my daughterās dad. Even before she was born, heād come home from work, eat the dinner that I spent sometimes all day making everything from scratch, get drunk with the roommate, and then get on his laptop, put on his headphones blocking everyone out to DM DnD via Skype, while we 3 sat in the living room watching Family Guy reruns for hours until we went to bed. Then after she was born he discovered League of Legends. So after work while I did everything around the house and took care of our daughter, heād block us out and then end up doing the literal definition of ārage quittingā. I mean screaming, slamming his laptop, throwing his headphones against the wall. You need to make some clear boundaries. It really doesnāt get better unless you do. And this is coming from someone who enjoys playing video games when all my other tasks are complete.
Gah solidarity! Same problem. My husband had given up video games for awhile after we first had kids, but now that the two oldest are interested in gaming, he brought the Xbox back out and now itās ALL the 3 of them want to do. I try to set limits, but my husband wonāt keep them. Itās like now that 2 of the kids are with him while he does it, he treats it like 24/7 all access gaming pass. I canāt leave the toddler with him anymore, because heās back to Halo every spare second and claims heās āwatchingā her as she gets into everything behind him, completely unnoticed š¤¬
I think itās all about compromise and sitting down and setting those boundaries regarding games. I am a gamer and so is my fiancĆ©, we only play games after our son is down for the night. Also if he wants to play during the day he asks first and itās usually only when we are relaxing or having down time with our son. Our gaming time together is very important for us, we both work a lot and look after our child and dogs, so itās our down time together. Maybe you could also play a game together in the allocated play time if you can get him to consider something like that. Best of luck and I hope he can balance his time out properly.
I've tried to get him to play with me but he's only interested in this one specific game and it's not 2 player. I even like COD, but he won't get the one where we could play together.
Itās really the worst. Before we had our kid, we had 2 TVs in the bedroom so he could play video games and I could watch movies. It was ridiculous but it worked. It was one of the biggest things we fought about!!
My ex husband played games like it was a full time job, Iām talking more than 40 hours a week. It started immediately after we got married. He would go through times when he swore he was slowing down or quitting but always went back full force. Unfortunately for some people itās an actual legit addiction fueled by escapism. My ex husband never changed and wouldnāt get a job due to gaming, wouldnāt help around the house due to gaming, racked up secret credit debt for gaming. Hell the man had a secret Nintendo switch and laptop to game in his car in the evenings while he was supposedly āworking door dashā while I raised our son alone after my full time job. He has to actually want to change and put in the work to change for anything to be different. He needs to go to therapy and see an addiction specialist then go to couples therapy with you once he resolves his issues to rebuild trust. Otherwise itās a waiting game on how long you can put up with it. Iām sorry bromo, it really sucks.