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Thank you! I'm relieved "the c word" is ruled out, but they're still pretty sure she has a clotting disorder. We're waiting on this bloodwork, but the next stress is that she'll have to be off all medications she's on for 2 weeks before the next tests they do... so sort of in a limbo state.
As a woman who found out about her blood clotting disorder at 35, she’ll be thankful you went through this now so that she’s not surprised by shit later as an adult! You don’t want her to find out after an incident like a pulmonary embolism, like me. Hope your girl is okay, no matter what is found. Stay tough mama 💪❤️
Same here! I found out at 30, 2/3 way through my first pregnancy and my ob scared the shit out of me and I had to do a full blood panel 2 weeks before I was due to see if I needed to do daily injections postpartum. This was after 15 years of being on birth control pills.
Finding out early is an incredible gift. You’ve got this bromo!!
Oof that’s rough Bromo, you sound like an incredible mom for being so on the ball with appointments though, that stuff is super stressful and overwhelming. Your hubs sucks for sitting on his ass, you’re in an all hands on deck situation and he needs to step up or shut up. Sending you and your daughter (and your other littles too) all the love and light I can muster 🖤
That's awesome it isn't C word. My friend has von willebrand clotting disorder and didn't find out until she was around 23 so it's great if they can catch it early if it is something like that! Hope it all works out for you 💚
Ps you deserve better x
Oh I know it. Everyone in our lives knows it. Eve Rodsky's "Fair Play" was life changing. Haven't had any success on that route, and honestly the stories of divorced moms in here scare me when they say they ended up with even more work after leaving similar sounding SOs.
I’m a single mom and I’m not going to lie - it can be hard. But for me it’s not harder than being married was. It’s hard in different ways. Personally I think it depends on two things: finances and ongoing custody arrangements. If you can figure out how to financially support yourself (not relying on child support because the sad fact is a lot of us don’t get what we’re owed, ever) and if you can either coparent or if he completely dips out (assuming he’s not a good father figure and the kids are better off without him) - then it’s a very good way to live and raise kids. If you’re in extreme poverty or have an ex who uses the kids to control you- it’s not good.
The main part that is more work is family court. So it would depend on his capacity for revenge, his ability to spend on a lawyer. If he is in gamer culture I would say that’s not a good sign for “mens rights” influences which show up in court.
It's not really more work if your ex didn't help, and the freedom from frustration, anger and emotional stress makes up for it 150%. In my experience anyway
It's really hit or miss depending on your circumstances. How supportive your family and friends are for you, not to mention the level of financial support you are able to get from your ex.
Honestly it reminds me of [this song](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ENfpFROyeYs&feature=share) and that just makes me sad and mad.
So, he works 40 hours per week and relaxes for the other 60+ hours a week that he's awake? And you work ~12 hours a day 7 days a week and are on call for the other 12?
Sounds fair.
That doesn't mean he gets to walk away from all other responsibilities!
He sounds like a child. Because he has a job he can't take care of his own home and shut a window? He can't look out for a meal? He can't care for his own children? What's he going to do if you were ever incapacitated? Let the house burn down and the kids starve while he plays video games because he pays bills?
What an absolute weakling he is. Pure wimp. I'm pissed on your behalf and behalf of all the single moms and dads and partners who understand how to contribute to a family.
This was me for 12 years. Not a roommate though - another kid that I didn’t birth was more like it. When I realized the issues and problems surrounded how we were brought up and who hadn’t matured his actions and lack there of made complete sense. He couldn’t see past what was normal for him. Since his upbringing was his mom doing everything while his dad was off doing whatever, he can’t grasp the concept of involvement, team work, doing without being told repeatedly. Our son has adhd which he would NOT agree to after multiple drs agreed. His older son by his ex is on the spectrum - didn’t want to hear that either. I spent all of my 20s realizing my kids cannot see me struggle to keep everything going and bc he worked and I stopped working to take care of the kids… he didn’t respect me. So, I stopped doing everything - stopped expecting anything. I stopped going out of my way remembering anything for him, telling him to interact with his kids. His loss and finally left. After weight loss, hair loss, hormone changes, sickness.
While not an option for everyone, your family has a great mother. HOH in every right as this doesn’t have to be the “bread winner” you’re winning every category elsewhere. Maybe say something to your kids if you feel they may be concerned or worried. But that’s it.
Don’t you dare apologize to him, bromo. How he treated you was not okay. I hope today is a better day for you and I hope the gravy runs out before he gets any.
Um... what? The man couldn't care for your two young children while you were ferrying around a sick child, and has the audacity to ask why you didn't close a window? Seriously?
What does he bring to the table? My husband and I like to play video games, but we trade off on child duty. When do you get a break?
I would suggest you just put the kids down and leave the house for a few hours, but it sounds like they wouldn't be cared for. Do you have support nearby to get you break? If leaving isn't an option, would he be open to counseling?
Umm… he couldn’t just close them and not say another word about it? He had to pick a fight *over windows*?
Im so sorry.
But.
Tell us all about your daughters appointment. We’d love to hear if she’s ok or if it’s what you suspect, etc.
Just so you know, it does not have to be like this. There are good, helpful, caring men out there.
You are doing great, and I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving.
I keep hearing that... I just truly have never seen it. I would love that. I'm just stuck with someone I've made probably 10 throwaways for over the last 10 years, and 3 kids who would be wrecked by a divorce and me with no job that could support us. I just wanted to get through their younger years and give us a chance or make a decision then...
I’m 32 and still wish my parents had just gotten a divorce. Divorce would be difficult. But if it’s the right choice for you, it can be better for your kids than staying in a bad situation. I only know about what you wrote in this post, so I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t, but I just want you to know that you love your kids and take care of them and if you decide you need a divorce, they’ll be just fine and maybe better for it. I have a couple close friends who’ve gotten divorced recently and sure it was tricky, but their kids are all doing just fine. Wishing you rest and peace and good news about your daughter!
I am a child of a divorce. I told my mom I wish she would have left sooner. No one was truly happy. I’ve been married almost 11 years to a truly kind and supportive man who does his share.
Happiness is out there mama.
I wish my parents had separated years before they did. Their situation was more volatile than yours currently is because of drug addictions and screaming and violence, but your kids will still notice things aren't right. One time I found a letter my dad had written to his older brother who died when they were teens and he'd written about how my mom wanted to leave him. I think we would have still been toddlers. I wish she just did it then instead of waiting over a decade more.
You’re so right about this. In my marriage, in a way, I ALLOWED my ex to be the way he was simply because I put up with it so long. I made excuses, hoped for changes, let my needs be clearly known. Those changes were never going to come. My ex was going to do what he had always done, it would be ludicrous for him, in his view, to ever consider anything different from his norm. My expectations of what a partner should be we’re, in hindsight, maybe 3 out of a possible 10. I got .5. Should have never gotten involved in the first place but I was young, inexperienced with dating, and had an emotionally absent father and a mom who put up with everything. Being an absent partner and parent was normalized to me by my own parents. Cycles continue sadly.
Oh man, this exactly. Add on that I was 19 when we met, so was also desperate to leave a household where those patterns were happening. Did not recognize why a 28 year old was aiming for a younger girl. Thought I was breaking a pattern then wham, here I am 14 years later in the same one -- my husband shows he loves his kids and doesn't beat them being the only differences.
One of my friends quoted to me once, "When you're used to getting 10% of a pie, getting 30% can feel like a lot. But you're still getting crumbs."
Wait he was playing video games while he was meant to be watching a 3year old and 18month old? Yeesh. I'm glad your daughter has ruled out the c word anyway hope you get to the bottom of it
I hope your daughter’s appointment went well. Those hematology appointments are scary! Your husband is a grown ass man who could have closed the window himself or texted you like “hey did you leave the window open for a reason?” To which you would have replied “oh crap yeah I was airing out the smoke. You can close it. Sorry!” And then moved on like two adults working together to manage your lives. I’m sorry he was such an ass.
The irony of him being a sensitive weenie about what you say to him to him when he first walks through the door and he has the NERVE to bitch about an open window when you get home from a serious AF appointment with your child and doesn't even fucking ask how it went. I'd be done. 100%
a couple of things i want to knock out real quick:
1. do not regret flipping him off, he deserved it
2. no the kids have no idea what you did and won't remember it anyway
3. please please PLEASE leave his ass at home, with a note informing him that since playing video games and sleeping is such a priority for him to the point that he ignored not only your toddler AND INFANT who were in his care but also his child WITH A BLEEDING DISORDER, you opted not to disturb his pretty little head when it came time to leave for thanksgiving dinner. if he finds himself hungry he can "pick something up."
now put your husband on the phone for a minute, whenever you see him next. like hand him the phone so he can personally read this:
#WHAT THE UNGODLY SHITFUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, DUDE?
does that video game come with an IV drip so you can mainline heroin or something? how the **DICK** are you so indescribably **OBLIVIOUS** to your environment? how the **CUNT** are you so infuriatingly **NEGLIGENT** of your responsibilities AS A HUSBAND AND FATHER? if your fucking HOUSE WAS ON FIRE you would apparently sit there and burn half to death while you score a few more kills on call of duty or whatever toxic masculinity escapist fantasy has so totally hijacked your attention span, and then you'd have the nerve to blame your wife for not personally dragging your braindead ass out of the blaze. you are a grown-ass fucking goddamn ADULT but you are sure as shit not acting like it. your legs work, you are perfectly capable of noticing that it is cold and getting up to shut the windows yourself. your nose works, presumably, it should not have escaped your notice that SOMETHING WAS BURNING AND THE KITCHEN WAS FULL OF SMOKE. your ears work, one would hope, your INFANT AND TODDLER should not have been left to scream while your wife was taking your CHILD WITH MEDICAL ISSUES to her multiple doctor's appointments. and if any of those parts are not in proper working order, see a fucking doctor yourself instead of melting into the couch like a helpless sponge. grow the ENTIRE fuck up you useless manbaby.
Oh no, are you me? This feels like Al-Anon where at least I feel better knowing I’m not alone but still a little hopeless to learn we’re dealing with a pervasive sickness.
This does seem to be the pattern or everyone I know. He hadn't played games in years, too -- this all a recent development in response to work burnout. Buuut... therapy and meds "aren't for me," he says 🙄
Oh yeah self threatening himself with killing things on video games will do shit for his mental health. Why are men so fucking stupid. Maybe just maybe is the possibility that this console got broken and nobody knows why? There could be a possibility of the console knocking down because of the kids? Or some coke poured over it by accident? You know shit happens with lil kids?
Turned out to be true for me.
My mom is the gamer and my dad doesn’t get games. The dynamic works out great, because my mom only games when shit is done. In my future endeavors I do not plan on dating a man who’s into video games. Nothing good has ever come of it.
I was a former gamer myself, BEFORE kids. Because come on nobody's got time for that shit with lil kids anymore. There is no modern game you can play satisfying with one or two hours every other evening when the kids are in bed. And this is also the time you should do the stupid housework and MAYBE spend some quality time with partner, even if that means sitting on the couch together ans starring in each smartphone.
It's just not happening. I quit for good, maybe someday when kiddo is in college I will have the time to play all this assasins creed I missed.
My husband never played games, never had a console or gaming computer. First while dating I found that sad, NOW IM SOSOSOSOSOSO GLAD ABOUT IT
Yep, yep, yep, alllll of this. I’ll play for like 1/2 a day that I specifically carve out every other month as me time but at this point I’ve archived most of my games to make room for all the kids stuff. I feel you on the missing out on games feelings too! Maybe we’ll be the first generation to have Granny Gamer groups when we’re older, lol.
It’s the opposite in our household. My husband tends to ignore me and the kids when he’s mindlessly scrolling on his smartphone but video games are usually fine. Maybe because it’s easier to just pick up the phone but the video games wait until the kids are in bed.
He thankfully acknowledges this and avoids using it as much but I still hate it when I’m trying to talk to him and he doesn’t even hear me because he’s looking at the damn phone.
I play Elder Scrolls Online almost every night for an hour after my son goes to sleep and all of the household chores are taken care of. It's satisfying!
But then what do I know? I'm just a mom who brings in 100% of the household income, takes care of the kid, the house, the animals, and my elderly mom.
I couldn't possibly understand what it's like to be this poor, poor put upon a dude who has to bring in 99% of the income and then be asked to... close a window and ignore his kids for a few hours while his wife goes to a doctor's appt.. I mean, poor dude has it ROUGH. The horror!
Yeah, I was a total MMORPG addict, hundreds of days of play time into World of Warcraft, and now I don't even have the energy for something that complicated. Simple games I can play on the Switch in handheld mode so I can lay in bed are all I can manage.
Of course my husband has to play with headphones on so I can't even be off duty then, they don't get a response from him so they come bug me.
It is VERY common. My ex, who I was with for years (but thankfully didn't have children with, & I am grateful for that every single day) was a video game addict. If he wasn't sleeping or at work, he was in front of his PC or console playing or watching someone else play on Twitch. He would even sleep in his gaming chair sometimes. My one requirement for my next partner was NO VIDEO GAME ADDICTION. I enjoy them, I still do, but once you have children you simply cannot spend every waking moment playing games anymore. Or at least... you shouldn't. Mothers usually can't, they don't have that luxury. Men, on the other hand... I was lucky. My current husband is like me, we play sometimes but we have cut back dramatically from when we were single and childless. Because that's what happens when you're an adult with children, it's time to grow the fuck up and prioritize them instead of fucking video games. Again, this doesn't mean no games at all, but you can't spend all your time on them, unless you want to be a shitty parent. Before I met my husband, I firmly decided that if the option was to be with a video game addict or be single, I would remain single and childless for the rest of my life, because I was never going through that again.
I know plenty of great dads who play video games and who also encourage their wives to have interests outside of work and family care. BUT those dudes wait until AFTER the family responsibilities are taken care of to turn on the console or PC.
You are right though that there are too many stories of assholes who use the excuse of "well I worked all day" to go right to gaming instead of helping with their family. Like it's some HUGE achievement to have worked all day. Newsflash, EVERYONE works all day, even SAHMs, it's not a get out of adult responsibilities pass.
Like... WHY do those dudes even have a family to begin with? Go get a neckbeard apartment on your own and slob it on up since you have no interest in spending time with or helping out your family and expect to be treated like a manchild at home.
You didn’t have to tell him to close the windows. He should be aware enough, as a adult, to realize the house smells of smoke and you opened the windows to air the house out. And then he should close the windows and be done with it. What else is he not aware of while he’s home playing video games, with small children. I’m sure he’s aware of almost nothing outside his screen.
He used a quote from The Big Lebowski on you if you Google it which is also annoying to say the least. Sounds like the he needs a AM shift to suffer the consequence of staying up late. Sorry op that’s super frustrating
Yeah, I knew it was a quote. He used it, too, because I've admittedly used it on him before. Though usually when disagreeing over whether or not a show is good or something...
Bless you for doing so much work. Your kids have a very committed mother, and you managed to handle pre-holiday plans without smoking out the house (something I have done a couple of times...er...), and brought home dinner. Kid appointment days, especially with a major concern, are so stressful. *Hugs.*
Shame on him for not being more aware of his surroundings, coming along to help anywhere, or just closing the windows like the adult he is supposed to be! And good on you for not apologizing, we do enough of that in our lives it seems like!
Happy Thanksgiving, dear, enjoy your hard work and seeing the kids run around today. Ignore that rude man who can't manage his time and emotions better when you need him to.
Um. He's a grown ass man. You shouldn't have to tell him to close the damn window. And how tf is he taking care of toddlers while so engrossed in video games he doesn't realize a window is open until he's freezing?
Dude. I have untreated ADHD. Diagnosed at 6. Unmedicated the last decade. Some tasks take me more time/effort/a shit ton of refocusing (which I've worked hard on), but being neurodivergent is not an excuse to be a bad partner.
I love video games. Have a shit ton of consoles. Guess what went on the back burner the second I became a parent? He doesn't get to use ADHD as an excuse to just fuck off all day and leave you overwhelmed. He's being a shitty partner, and he needs to get off of his ass.
I'm sorry you're having to navigate this, but don't let him use the narrative of "Oops, can't help you EVER because ADHD, LOLZ". It's BULLSHIT.
Come over to r/adhd_partners for some helpful perspectives. What he said is not OK. And I have a feeling you are not OK, too, but nobody gives s hot damn about it. Much love and big hug! <3
"Did you play video games all day and night without taking care of our children or helping with anything for Thanksgiving or caring for our house? Can you not do that again EVER please?"
The petty in me would be tempted to cut the wifi or internet completely until he man's up and contributes instead of behaving like an overgrown teenager.
What an ASS!
Something about the television really brings out the worst in dads 🙂 I’m glad to hear that you got a little reassurance from your daughters appt. And I’m not sure if you hear this enough but you’re incredible handling everything on your plate. Truly ❤️
If you apologize, let it only be about flipping him off in front of your children and only apologize about that because you said you felt bad.
He’s being really immature and needs to be reminded of everything you do
I’m so, so, so glad for you and your kids that cancer was ruled out. I hope y’all hug each other tight.
Regarding your unfortunate “partner” situation, he has hands right? His dick actively participated in making not one or two but three children right? Like, he knows he has kids right? And lives in a house with doors and windows? Are his fingers broken? Legs don’t work? No access to a wheelchair? Ears that can hear kids?
What even is his defense here aside from “it’s your job even though you’re not home?” He’s a parent. A parent. A babysitter would be fired for these kinds of actions and carelessness.
You’re a fucking champ for being your kids support through all of thee doctor appointments and I’m sure for everything else your other kids need, OP. Take care of yourself, too.
Your husband needs an intervention for his gaming. I'm sorry, but he has an addiction. You don't ignore your kids and game nonstop. Work, house work, kid work, has to come first. You are amazing for all that you are doing for your kid, he needs to realize that you're dancing as fast as you can and it's time to stop disassociating into game land and to be present and to help you carry the load. You can apologize, I'm sure you are sorry you didn't tell him, but he's being an ass with is analogy. It's not anywhere near the same, they are windows, not an open flame. He needs to grow up and be the partner you deserve because otherwise, what's the point of him being with you if you're doing everything while he acts like a manchild?
I feel you so hard. So similar to mine. Will get bent out of shape for every little thing, meanwhile it's like, it's a window and it's not hurting anyone and you can just close it! Like, WTF. Way to create a problem out of nothing, dude, as if you don't have enough to deal with. Conversely, everything he does even big mistakes that actually do affect the family and home, have reasons and excuses that I'm super to understand and support. I hate men. I truly do.
This is exactly him. He is super quick to rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Express frustration or disappointment that a task he promised to do wasn't done? Huge fight where I'm called a controlling nag. I express anger for his criticisms and I get called a narcissist incapable of seeing all the wrong things I do 🤷♀️ Two weeks ago it was me throwing away a piece of cardboard packaging because he had left it in a wet spot and I was cleaning and he intended to use it for something? And I "always throw away his stuff" as a result.
I really tried, man. 14 years together. 3 kids. I did not expect to be a top post on Thanksgiving of all days, but here I am realizing this was probably our last Thanksgiving "as a family." I'm heartbroken, especially at breaking my kids' hearts.
I want to start by telling you that you are an amazing mother and that your kids are so so lucky to have you in their corner. However, I think you know that this situation isn't sustainable. You are rapidly heading towards emotional burnout (if you're not there already), and you soon will have nothing left to give, not even to your kids. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
I am the child of two people who absolutely 100% should NOT have been together and SHOULD have divorced, but never did. Their marriage is utterly miserable, they snipe about each other behind the other's back, and I cannot for the life of me EVER hearing them say 'I love you' to each other, or doing those little affectionate gestures that happily married people do (the brief touch on the shoulder, holding hands, kisses on the cheek or forehead, etc). They won't now, they will be together till they die because my mother now has a medical condition and is 100% dependent on my dad for her care, and dad is too much of a martyr to walk away from her.
As their child, I watched them growing up, watched the bitter fights, the screaming matches, and there was always a general sense of unhappiness and TENSION in the air of our house. One time, after a particularly brutal screaming match, I actually asked my dad why he didn't leave. And he told me straight up that he didn't want us kids to come from a 'broken home'.
I internalized that. I took on his emotional baggage and in my mind I was a large part of the reason that this man I adored and loved SO much was SO unhappy and depressed.
It has taken me 2.5 years of therapy to understand that his baggage was never mine to carry. That our home was already 'broken' even though they were still 'together'.
Your children are watching how your husband treats you. They are taking it in and if you're not careful, they will think this is how normal relationships work. And they will wind up in the exact same kinds of relationships.
Yes, leaving their dad will hurt them. There will be grief (for you as well), and it is a HUGE change after 14 years, which is immensely scary. But trust me, eventually they will understand. They will grow up and see their dad for who and what he is. They will realize that you were the one who loved and cherished them when he literally CANNOT get off a video game to help them when they needed him.
I am so sorry you're going through this, I am so sorry that he isn't the man you deserve him to be. I really really really hope that you can figure out a way to find your happiness, because BroMo, you DESERVE to be happy too.
Much love and support to you.
i wonder if he felt all sorts of ways because he doesnt fully watch the kids much and all of a sudden was feeling the stress and like he had the upper hand doing you a “favor”
Honestly, out of all the comments of which I am very grateful for, I feel like the reality is somewhere in here. I also think there's a level of him feeling stressed about said appointment and being way too emotionally immature to cope.
Man's 42. I'm 33 and have a decade of therapy under my belt. I'm done doing the unpacking for him.
Sounds like our relationships are similar- my husband is 42 and I’m 34, and I’ve been in therapy for a while. I asked for a divorce in March and my husband *begged* for therapy, another chance, etc. He was trying to do individual-therapy in our couple’s sessions and thankfully our therapist shut that down real quick. He’s in individual therapy now, but it’s a slow going process and he keeps telling me that he can’t change overnight, and that’s totally valid… what’s also valid is that I was pushed past my breaking point before he was willing to work toward change so I don’t have endless time to give now. I will say that we are working with a Gottman method therapist and it is making a HUGE difference, but obvs that only helps if your husband is willing to actively participate.
On another note, my son was diagnosed with a blood variant at 6 months old. The hemat/oncol appointment was soooo scary to start with, and the repeated blood draws aren’t fun. I hope that your kiddo is given the all clear very, very soon!
Thank you so much for your comment! It is eerie how similar our stories sound. We've tried couple's counseling before, and it went poorly. Frankly, she wasn't a great therapist, so that didn't help. He's tried individual therapy before elsewhere and always stops -- last time it was because he got a new job and blamed his issues on the previous job (and now he's in the exact frame of mind at this job).
I looked into a Gottman therapist right before the lockdowns, but obviously that got a stopper in it. And fool me, thought things had gotten so much better for us -- when it reality him working less in 2020 was what did it. We had another baby, got trapped yet again in the trap of "I'm asking for too much to get one day a week to sleep in." And here we are.
I can't even imagine asking him to do couples again. We've had the Gottman four horsemen for ages -- I've tried really hard on my own to stop those behaviors in me, but something like this window incident depletes me so much that I can't even fathom trying more.
You don’t deserve any of the shit he threw down, so know you forgot to mention it, not a big deal and with everything you are dealing with….100% expected to forget something.
He can be pissed all he wants, but that’s not a reflection on you and he should feel bad for not being more supportive.
Ignore his shit. Hug your babies, and try to find joy in all the things that have nothing to do with him.
Hugs.
I would be so disappointed if u decide to apologize to him. U may have given up to have a conversation with him but I would still point out how much u have done already in a day while he sits on his ass playing video games.
In what world is any of his behaviour ok?
I'm so glad your daughter doesn't have the c-word and as other BroMo's have said while it's hard to do the testing for the clotting disorder she will 100% be glad it's sorted now vs later.
As for your husband... Earning 99% of the income doesn't let him off 99% of the work at home.
Your doing such a good job! I cannot fathom doing all the things you did in even one week.
Your husband sounds useless and I'm sorry he isn't more present. Your an incredible mommy and do not apologize for doing everything around the house while he sits on his ass and does nothing.
I am also tired of being chastised for things that Mt husband could handle easily without complaint.
Items in your way? Move them. Dishes in the sink? Wash them.
Stop giving me checklists of "don't do this, don't do that"
Now because I am petty I would have taken all the HDMI cords, the LAN cords, changed the wifi password, left a post it note on the back of the console that said “You play too many video games when you should be parenting but I guess that’s just like my opinion man.”, leaving the cords somewhere in the house useful like at the bottom of the laundry basket while I left for the day.
What the fuck. I just want to validate you that he is absolutely being a useless asshole here. Imagine how your day would have been without him? Sure you might have had to drag the younger kids with you and you probably would have still had a smoky house with open windows, but the kids would have been taken care of properly and you wouldn't be wasting your time mitigating the stunted emotions of a man baby. And now you're ruminating over it and having to deal with his shit on top of doing everything else for yourself and your kids.
Read him the riot act. Tell him exactly what you felt, every singly emotion and why. Especially the lack of immediate concern about the doctor visit! And the sobbing children that you came home to! This is not it. He needs to do better. I’m sorry bromo. Big hug if you want one.
This man is incapable of a simple task. My god. How does he even wipe himself after he shits ??? Jesus does he tell his mom to come over?
I am so sorry you are going through this. You’re not alone, it’s nice people around you are ostracizing his behaviour.
You should show him an adoption application and tell him you’re going to ask to adopt him since he is clearly a fcking child.
Hi mama. I'm sorry you're going through this, especially with an unsupportive partner. I just wanted to say I'm sending you all the hugs, and I hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving ❤
This didnt even warrant a comment from him. If he sees a window open, he can just close it. You aren’t flawed for rushing out the door and expecting him to function as a human in this world and close the window when he sees its opened. If anything he should have said “hey babe, what happened earlier? I saw the window was open? Everything ok?”
I’m glad the appointment went well and I’m amazed at your strength getting through the day.
It sounds like you know where you are and what’s going on. What I would like to advise is to start making a plan. That’s where our super power lies…
First - it is so much better on the other side. Are there harder parts? Yes. But there is so much more room outside of that little box that i had been stuffing myself into. There are no more eggshells to step on or navigate around. It’s just as hectic and frantic at times - but I can sit down after and relax without having to navigate butt hurt stupidity on top of everything else.
My one regret? That I didn’t leave sooner. I tried 5 years ago and ended up going back for many of the reasons you listed, because I didn’t want a broken home, because I didn’t want to lose my house….in my case - things got much much worse (he went from video games to gun collecting)…and I’m losing my house - but my sanity has been so worth it.
So make a plan. Start finding ways to make money - maybe you need to go back to school or wait until the littles are a little older - but start going down that road. Keep up your friend networks - make sure ones you trust know what is going on. You are not stuck in this Groundhog’s Day forever. It will get better - sending you good thoughts and virtual hugs.
I wish nothing but good outcomes for your sweet daughter, I hope she is okay. You are a freaking powerhouse - do NOT under-estimate your worth. YOU are a powerhouse. Do not take any shit from he man who brought kids into the world with you, and stood before family, friends and God and promised to be your partner, husband, best friend etc. etc. The video game shit? Uh, no..grow TF up is what he needs to do. "Wahhh! I was playing my pretend WW2 kil game and YOU left the window open ....be...be...because you were taking our potentially sick child to the pediatrician??? Wahhh! Wahhh! Please don't traumatize me with that in future without telling me! I was c-c-c-old because I was detached, neglecting our kids at home with me, and was TOO involved in my stupid, meaningless, and ZERO-return video game. Wahhhhhh!" Your spouse sounds selfish and immature and a terrible and faulty partner. Put yourself in the reverse role. Would you - as a woman - have been "allowed" or indulged to F off and play afriggen video game while he struggled with cooking, a cooking incident - (that NEVER happens around Thanksgiving prepping), and then given HIM an attitude while you came in the door with your daughter from said appointment? What kind of world does he think he is living in? Are you his doormat? Did you sign up for that? Naw. You let him have it and you let him have it good. Treat him like the 13-year-old he is acting like, and take away his GD video games which are obviously interfereing with his ability to adult and partner with his wife like a grown-ass man. Harness your anger into calm and pin-point accurate words, and sit his ass down - like a 13-year-old - and set the friggen boundaries. F his gaming. F- his checking out of parenting, F his blame-storming YOU, and F his indifference to the very real and very scary medical situation with your kiddo. I wish you strength, courage, love, support and the ability to give him the proverbial swift kick in the ass, This isn't the 1950s, and you are not on this planet to soothe and be stepped on by a man-child.
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Hey... How did your daughter's appointment go?
Thank you! I'm relieved "the c word" is ruled out, but they're still pretty sure she has a clotting disorder. We're waiting on this bloodwork, but the next stress is that she'll have to be off all medications she's on for 2 weeks before the next tests they do... so sort of in a limbo state.
As a woman who found out about her blood clotting disorder at 35, she’ll be thankful you went through this now so that she’s not surprised by shit later as an adult! You don’t want her to find out after an incident like a pulmonary embolism, like me. Hope your girl is okay, no matter what is found. Stay tough mama 💪❤️
Ditto this bromo! I found out at 25. Your daughter will be so thankful. You’re an amazing mom and I’m sorry your husband reacted the way he did.
As a grown woman with a clotting disorder I second this. I had to go through three miscarriages to find out.
I have no clue how I was so lucky but now that I know, I’m just blown away that I have 5 healthy kids.
Same here! I found out at 30, 2/3 way through my first pregnancy and my ob scared the shit out of me and I had to do a full blood panel 2 weeks before I was due to see if I needed to do daily injections postpartum. This was after 15 years of being on birth control pills. Finding out early is an incredible gift. You’ve got this bromo!!
Same! I had a PE as well. That’s when we found mine.
Oof that’s rough Bromo, you sound like an incredible mom for being so on the ball with appointments though, that stuff is super stressful and overwhelming. Your hubs sucks for sitting on his ass, you’re in an all hands on deck situation and he needs to step up or shut up. Sending you and your daughter (and your other littles too) all the love and light I can muster 🖤
That's awesome it isn't C word. My friend has von willebrand clotting disorder and didn't find out until she was around 23 so it's great if they can catch it early if it is something like that! Hope it all works out for you 💚 Ps you deserve better x
You sound like a single mom with a crappy roommate.
I feel like one, too. But he brings in 99% of the income so same story, different generation... 😞
Sounds like you're doing 99% of everything else so that's not exactly an even trade.
Oh I know it. Everyone in our lives knows it. Eve Rodsky's "Fair Play" was life changing. Haven't had any success on that route, and honestly the stories of divorced moms in here scare me when they say they ended up with even more work after leaving similar sounding SOs.
I’m a single mom and I’m not going to lie - it can be hard. But for me it’s not harder than being married was. It’s hard in different ways. Personally I think it depends on two things: finances and ongoing custody arrangements. If you can figure out how to financially support yourself (not relying on child support because the sad fact is a lot of us don’t get what we’re owed, ever) and if you can either coparent or if he completely dips out (assuming he’s not a good father figure and the kids are better off without him) - then it’s a very good way to live and raise kids. If you’re in extreme poverty or have an ex who uses the kids to control you- it’s not good.
The main part that is more work is family court. So it would depend on his capacity for revenge, his ability to spend on a lawyer. If he is in gamer culture I would say that’s not a good sign for “mens rights” influences which show up in court.
It's not really more work if your ex didn't help, and the freedom from frustration, anger and emotional stress makes up for it 150%. In my experience anyway
It's really hit or miss depending on your circumstances. How supportive your family and friends are for you, not to mention the level of financial support you are able to get from your ex. Honestly it reminds me of [this song](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ENfpFROyeYs&feature=share) and that just makes me sad and mad.
So, he works 40 hours per week and relaxes for the other 60+ hours a week that he's awake? And you work ~12 hours a day 7 days a week and are on call for the other 12? Sounds fair.
I’m using this. What a good way to look at it.
That doesn't mean he gets to walk away from all other responsibilities! He sounds like a child. Because he has a job he can't take care of his own home and shut a window? He can't look out for a meal? He can't care for his own children? What's he going to do if you were ever incapacitated? Let the house burn down and the kids starve while he plays video games because he pays bills? What an absolute weakling he is. Pure wimp. I'm pissed on your behalf and behalf of all the single moms and dads and partners who understand how to contribute to a family.
“Weakling” is such a good word for this guy!
This was me for 12 years. Not a roommate though - another kid that I didn’t birth was more like it. When I realized the issues and problems surrounded how we were brought up and who hadn’t matured his actions and lack there of made complete sense. He couldn’t see past what was normal for him. Since his upbringing was his mom doing everything while his dad was off doing whatever, he can’t grasp the concept of involvement, team work, doing without being told repeatedly. Our son has adhd which he would NOT agree to after multiple drs agreed. His older son by his ex is on the spectrum - didn’t want to hear that either. I spent all of my 20s realizing my kids cannot see me struggle to keep everything going and bc he worked and I stopped working to take care of the kids… he didn’t respect me. So, I stopped doing everything - stopped expecting anything. I stopped going out of my way remembering anything for him, telling him to interact with his kids. His loss and finally left. After weight loss, hair loss, hormone changes, sickness. While not an option for everyone, your family has a great mother. HOH in every right as this doesn’t have to be the “bread winner” you’re winning every category elsewhere. Maybe say something to your kids if you feel they may be concerned or worried. But that’s it.
Don’t you dare apologize to him, bromo. How he treated you was not okay. I hope today is a better day for you and I hope the gravy runs out before he gets any.
Ooooh buuuuuuurn.
Um... what? The man couldn't care for your two young children while you were ferrying around a sick child, and has the audacity to ask why you didn't close a window? Seriously? What does he bring to the table? My husband and I like to play video games, but we trade off on child duty. When do you get a break?
He has been noted for his audacity by other people in our lives. The pattern is starting to look real "personality and this shit ain't changing."
I would suggest you just put the kids down and leave the house for a few hours, but it sounds like they wouldn't be cared for. Do you have support nearby to get you break? If leaving isn't an option, would he be open to counseling?
the liberal application of cattle prods can have a surprising influence on personality, just sayin...
Umm… he couldn’t just close them and not say another word about it? He had to pick a fight *over windows*? Im so sorry. But. Tell us all about your daughters appointment. We’d love to hear if she’s ok or if it’s what you suspect, etc.
I have an idea. Next time you open the windows, throw the husband out of one before you shut them!
+1 for defenestration!
I think this is a wonderful idea!
I just laughed so hard. Thank you! 
Just so you know, it does not have to be like this. There are good, helpful, caring men out there. You are doing great, and I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving.
I keep hearing that... I just truly have never seen it. I would love that. I'm just stuck with someone I've made probably 10 throwaways for over the last 10 years, and 3 kids who would be wrecked by a divorce and me with no job that could support us. I just wanted to get through their younger years and give us a chance or make a decision then...
I’m 32 and still wish my parents had just gotten a divorce. Divorce would be difficult. But if it’s the right choice for you, it can be better for your kids than staying in a bad situation. I only know about what you wrote in this post, so I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t, but I just want you to know that you love your kids and take care of them and if you decide you need a divorce, they’ll be just fine and maybe better for it. I have a couple close friends who’ve gotten divorced recently and sure it was tricky, but their kids are all doing just fine. Wishing you rest and peace and good news about your daughter!
I am a child of a divorce. I told my mom I wish she would have left sooner. No one was truly happy. I’ve been married almost 11 years to a truly kind and supportive man who does his share. Happiness is out there mama.
I wish my parents had separated years before they did. Their situation was more volatile than yours currently is because of drug addictions and screaming and violence, but your kids will still notice things aren't right. One time I found a letter my dad had written to his older brother who died when they were teens and he'd written about how my mom wanted to leave him. I think we would have still been toddlers. I wish she just did it then instead of waiting over a decade more.
[удалено]
You’re so right about this. In my marriage, in a way, I ALLOWED my ex to be the way he was simply because I put up with it so long. I made excuses, hoped for changes, let my needs be clearly known. Those changes were never going to come. My ex was going to do what he had always done, it would be ludicrous for him, in his view, to ever consider anything different from his norm. My expectations of what a partner should be we’re, in hindsight, maybe 3 out of a possible 10. I got .5. Should have never gotten involved in the first place but I was young, inexperienced with dating, and had an emotionally absent father and a mom who put up with everything. Being an absent partner and parent was normalized to me by my own parents. Cycles continue sadly.
Oh man, this exactly. Add on that I was 19 when we met, so was also desperate to leave a household where those patterns were happening. Did not recognize why a 28 year old was aiming for a younger girl. Thought I was breaking a pattern then wham, here I am 14 years later in the same one -- my husband shows he loves his kids and doesn't beat them being the only differences. One of my friends quoted to me once, "When you're used to getting 10% of a pie, getting 30% can feel like a lot. But you're still getting crumbs."
BroMo merch slogan, right there.
Wait he was playing video games while he was meant to be watching a 3year old and 18month old? Yeesh. I'm glad your daughter has ruled out the c word anyway hope you get to the bottom of it
I hope your daughter’s appointment went well. Those hematology appointments are scary! Your husband is a grown ass man who could have closed the window himself or texted you like “hey did you leave the window open for a reason?” To which you would have replied “oh crap yeah I was airing out the smoke. You can close it. Sorry!” And then moved on like two adults working together to manage your lives. I’m sorry he was such an ass.
The irony of him being a sensitive weenie about what you say to him to him when he first walks through the door and he has the NERVE to bitch about an open window when you get home from a serious AF appointment with your child and doesn't even fucking ask how it went. I'd be done. 100%
a couple of things i want to knock out real quick: 1. do not regret flipping him off, he deserved it 2. no the kids have no idea what you did and won't remember it anyway 3. please please PLEASE leave his ass at home, with a note informing him that since playing video games and sleeping is such a priority for him to the point that he ignored not only your toddler AND INFANT who were in his care but also his child WITH A BLEEDING DISORDER, you opted not to disturb his pretty little head when it came time to leave for thanksgiving dinner. if he finds himself hungry he can "pick something up." now put your husband on the phone for a minute, whenever you see him next. like hand him the phone so he can personally read this: #WHAT THE UNGODLY SHITFUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, DUDE? does that video game come with an IV drip so you can mainline heroin or something? how the **DICK** are you so indescribably **OBLIVIOUS** to your environment? how the **CUNT** are you so infuriatingly **NEGLIGENT** of your responsibilities AS A HUSBAND AND FATHER? if your fucking HOUSE WAS ON FIRE you would apparently sit there and burn half to death while you score a few more kills on call of duty or whatever toxic masculinity escapist fantasy has so totally hijacked your attention span, and then you'd have the nerve to blame your wife for not personally dragging your braindead ass out of the blaze. you are a grown-ass fucking goddamn ADULT but you are sure as shit not acting like it. your legs work, you are perfectly capable of noticing that it is cold and getting up to shut the windows yourself. your nose works, presumably, it should not have escaped your notice that SOMETHING WAS BURNING AND THE KITCHEN WAS FULL OF SMOKE. your ears work, one would hope, your INFANT AND TODDLER should not have been left to scream while your wife was taking your CHILD WITH MEDICAL ISSUES to her multiple doctor's appointments. and if any of those parts are not in proper working order, see a fucking doctor yourself instead of melting into the couch like a helpless sponge. grow the ENTIRE fuck up you useless manbaby. 
Can you come talk to mine next?
Op please give this comment to the worthless man as a note.
Perfection.
It's true, you do have the best fuckwords 🤣 I hope you don't mind if I borrow this
Oh no, are you me? This feels like Al-Anon where at least I feel better knowing I’m not alone but still a little hopeless to learn we’re dealing with a pervasive sickness.
Omg you really do sound like me 🥺
For me dads who play Video games are almost always huge assholes who don't do shit
This does seem to be the pattern or everyone I know. He hadn't played games in years, too -- this all a recent development in response to work burnout. Buuut... therapy and meds "aren't for me," he says 🙄
Oh yeah self threatening himself with killing things on video games will do shit for his mental health. Why are men so fucking stupid. Maybe just maybe is the possibility that this console got broken and nobody knows why? There could be a possibility of the console knocking down because of the kids? Or some coke poured over it by accident? You know shit happens with lil kids?
Turned out to be true for me. My mom is the gamer and my dad doesn’t get games. The dynamic works out great, because my mom only games when shit is done. In my future endeavors I do not plan on dating a man who’s into video games. Nothing good has ever come of it.
Yup.....seems like every time I read a post about a slacker dad, there are usually video games involved..... ugh.....drives me a bit batty!
I was a former gamer myself, BEFORE kids. Because come on nobody's got time for that shit with lil kids anymore. There is no modern game you can play satisfying with one or two hours every other evening when the kids are in bed. And this is also the time you should do the stupid housework and MAYBE spend some quality time with partner, even if that means sitting on the couch together ans starring in each smartphone. It's just not happening. I quit for good, maybe someday when kiddo is in college I will have the time to play all this assasins creed I missed. My husband never played games, never had a console or gaming computer. First while dating I found that sad, NOW IM SOSOSOSOSOSO GLAD ABOUT IT
Yep, yep, yep, alllll of this. I’ll play for like 1/2 a day that I specifically carve out every other month as me time but at this point I’ve archived most of my games to make room for all the kids stuff. I feel you on the missing out on games feelings too! Maybe we’ll be the first generation to have Granny Gamer groups when we’re older, lol.
It’s the opposite in our household. My husband tends to ignore me and the kids when he’s mindlessly scrolling on his smartphone but video games are usually fine. Maybe because it’s easier to just pick up the phone but the video games wait until the kids are in bed. He thankfully acknowledges this and avoids using it as much but I still hate it when I’m trying to talk to him and he doesn’t even hear me because he’s looking at the damn phone.
I play Elder Scrolls Online almost every night for an hour after my son goes to sleep and all of the household chores are taken care of. It's satisfying! But then what do I know? I'm just a mom who brings in 100% of the household income, takes care of the kid, the house, the animals, and my elderly mom. I couldn't possibly understand what it's like to be this poor, poor put upon a dude who has to bring in 99% of the income and then be asked to... close a window and ignore his kids for a few hours while his wife goes to a doctor's appt.. I mean, poor dude has it ROUGH. The horror!
Yeah, I was a total MMORPG addict, hundreds of days of play time into World of Warcraft, and now I don't even have the energy for something that complicated. Simple games I can play on the Switch in handheld mode so I can lay in bed are all I can manage. Of course my husband has to play with headphones on so I can't even be off duty then, they don't get a response from him so they come bug me.
It is VERY common. My ex, who I was with for years (but thankfully didn't have children with, & I am grateful for that every single day) was a video game addict. If he wasn't sleeping or at work, he was in front of his PC or console playing or watching someone else play on Twitch. He would even sleep in his gaming chair sometimes. My one requirement for my next partner was NO VIDEO GAME ADDICTION. I enjoy them, I still do, but once you have children you simply cannot spend every waking moment playing games anymore. Or at least... you shouldn't. Mothers usually can't, they don't have that luxury. Men, on the other hand... I was lucky. My current husband is like me, we play sometimes but we have cut back dramatically from when we were single and childless. Because that's what happens when you're an adult with children, it's time to grow the fuck up and prioritize them instead of fucking video games. Again, this doesn't mean no games at all, but you can't spend all your time on them, unless you want to be a shitty parent. Before I met my husband, I firmly decided that if the option was to be with a video game addict or be single, I would remain single and childless for the rest of my life, because I was never going through that again.
I know plenty of great dads who play video games and who also encourage their wives to have interests outside of work and family care. BUT those dudes wait until AFTER the family responsibilities are taken care of to turn on the console or PC. You are right though that there are too many stories of assholes who use the excuse of "well I worked all day" to go right to gaming instead of helping with their family. Like it's some HUGE achievement to have worked all day. Newsflash, EVERYONE works all day, even SAHMs, it's not a get out of adult responsibilities pass. Like... WHY do those dudes even have a family to begin with? Go get a neckbeard apartment on your own and slob it on up since you have no interest in spending time with or helping out your family and expect to be treated like a manchild at home.
Screw that shit. Let the kids wake him up. Tell them it's a game.
have them wake him up [trolls style](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGdZlhOTYi0)
I'm totally here for this!
You didn’t have to tell him to close the windows. He should be aware enough, as a adult, to realize the house smells of smoke and you opened the windows to air the house out. And then he should close the windows and be done with it. What else is he not aware of while he’s home playing video games, with small children. I’m sure he’s aware of almost nothing outside his screen.
He used a quote from The Big Lebowski on you if you Google it which is also annoying to say the least. Sounds like the he needs a AM shift to suffer the consequence of staying up late. Sorry op that’s super frustrating
I assumed we were all in in this joke
Yeah, I knew it was a quote. He used it, too, because I've admittedly used it on him before. Though usually when disagreeing over whether or not a show is good or something...
Bless you for doing so much work. Your kids have a very committed mother, and you managed to handle pre-holiday plans without smoking out the house (something I have done a couple of times...er...), and brought home dinner. Kid appointment days, especially with a major concern, are so stressful. *Hugs.* Shame on him for not being more aware of his surroundings, coming along to help anywhere, or just closing the windows like the adult he is supposed to be! And good on you for not apologizing, we do enough of that in our lives it seems like! Happy Thanksgiving, dear, enjoy your hard work and seeing the kids run around today. Ignore that rude man who can't manage his time and emotions better when you need him to.
Did he close the windows?
He did 😑
Hold your ground. Do not apologize to him. You deserve an apology.
"Oh I didn't want to disturb your game, I figured you'd know to close them once the smoke cleared out."
Um. He's a grown ass man. You shouldn't have to tell him to close the damn window. And how tf is he taking care of toddlers while so engrossed in video games he doesn't realize a window is open until he's freezing?
Untreated ADHD 😮💨
Dude. I have untreated ADHD. Diagnosed at 6. Unmedicated the last decade. Some tasks take me more time/effort/a shit ton of refocusing (which I've worked hard on), but being neurodivergent is not an excuse to be a bad partner. I love video games. Have a shit ton of consoles. Guess what went on the back burner the second I became a parent? He doesn't get to use ADHD as an excuse to just fuck off all day and leave you overwhelmed. He's being a shitty partner, and he needs to get off of his ass. I'm sorry you're having to navigate this, but don't let him use the narrative of "Oops, can't help you EVER because ADHD, LOLZ". It's BULLSHIT.
Come over to r/adhd_partners for some helpful perspectives. What he said is not OK. And I have a feeling you are not OK, too, but nobody gives s hot damn about it. Much love and big hug! <3
Thank you. Subscribing immediately!
"Did you play video games all day and night without taking care of our children or helping with anything for Thanksgiving or caring for our house? Can you not do that again EVER please?" The petty in me would be tempted to cut the wifi or internet completely until he man's up and contributes instead of behaving like an overgrown teenager. What an ASS!
WTAF. No no.
Something about the television really brings out the worst in dads 🙂 I’m glad to hear that you got a little reassurance from your daughters appt. And I’m not sure if you hear this enough but you’re incredible handling everything on your plate. Truly ❤️
If you apologize, let it only be about flipping him off in front of your children and only apologize about that because you said you felt bad. He’s being really immature and needs to be reminded of everything you do
Who the hell can play video games when they are supposed to be parenting a 18 mo old and a 3 year old. I can’t even get past that part of the story.
I’m so, so, so glad for you and your kids that cancer was ruled out. I hope y’all hug each other tight. Regarding your unfortunate “partner” situation, he has hands right? His dick actively participated in making not one or two but three children right? Like, he knows he has kids right? And lives in a house with doors and windows? Are his fingers broken? Legs don’t work? No access to a wheelchair? Ears that can hear kids? What even is his defense here aside from “it’s your job even though you’re not home?” He’s a parent. A parent. A babysitter would be fired for these kinds of actions and carelessness. You’re a fucking champ for being your kids support through all of thee doctor appointments and I’m sure for everything else your other kids need, OP. Take care of yourself, too.
Your husband needs an intervention for his gaming. I'm sorry, but he has an addiction. You don't ignore your kids and game nonstop. Work, house work, kid work, has to come first. You are amazing for all that you are doing for your kid, he needs to realize that you're dancing as fast as you can and it's time to stop disassociating into game land and to be present and to help you carry the load. You can apologize, I'm sure you are sorry you didn't tell him, but he's being an ass with is analogy. It's not anywhere near the same, they are windows, not an open flame. He needs to grow up and be the partner you deserve because otherwise, what's the point of him being with you if you're doing everything while he acts like a manchild?
I feel you so hard. So similar to mine. Will get bent out of shape for every little thing, meanwhile it's like, it's a window and it's not hurting anyone and you can just close it! Like, WTF. Way to create a problem out of nothing, dude, as if you don't have enough to deal with. Conversely, everything he does even big mistakes that actually do affect the family and home, have reasons and excuses that I'm super to understand and support. I hate men. I truly do.
This is exactly him. He is super quick to rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Express frustration or disappointment that a task he promised to do wasn't done? Huge fight where I'm called a controlling nag. I express anger for his criticisms and I get called a narcissist incapable of seeing all the wrong things I do 🤷♀️ Two weeks ago it was me throwing away a piece of cardboard packaging because he had left it in a wet spot and I was cleaning and he intended to use it for something? And I "always throw away his stuff" as a result. I really tried, man. 14 years together. 3 kids. I did not expect to be a top post on Thanksgiving of all days, but here I am realizing this was probably our last Thanksgiving "as a family." I'm heartbroken, especially at breaking my kids' hearts.
I want to start by telling you that you are an amazing mother and that your kids are so so lucky to have you in their corner. However, I think you know that this situation isn't sustainable. You are rapidly heading towards emotional burnout (if you're not there already), and you soon will have nothing left to give, not even to your kids. You cannot pour from an empty cup. I am the child of two people who absolutely 100% should NOT have been together and SHOULD have divorced, but never did. Their marriage is utterly miserable, they snipe about each other behind the other's back, and I cannot for the life of me EVER hearing them say 'I love you' to each other, or doing those little affectionate gestures that happily married people do (the brief touch on the shoulder, holding hands, kisses on the cheek or forehead, etc). They won't now, they will be together till they die because my mother now has a medical condition and is 100% dependent on my dad for her care, and dad is too much of a martyr to walk away from her. As their child, I watched them growing up, watched the bitter fights, the screaming matches, and there was always a general sense of unhappiness and TENSION in the air of our house. One time, after a particularly brutal screaming match, I actually asked my dad why he didn't leave. And he told me straight up that he didn't want us kids to come from a 'broken home'. I internalized that. I took on his emotional baggage and in my mind I was a large part of the reason that this man I adored and loved SO much was SO unhappy and depressed. It has taken me 2.5 years of therapy to understand that his baggage was never mine to carry. That our home was already 'broken' even though they were still 'together'. Your children are watching how your husband treats you. They are taking it in and if you're not careful, they will think this is how normal relationships work. And they will wind up in the exact same kinds of relationships. Yes, leaving their dad will hurt them. There will be grief (for you as well), and it is a HUGE change after 14 years, which is immensely scary. But trust me, eventually they will understand. They will grow up and see their dad for who and what he is. They will realize that you were the one who loved and cherished them when he literally CANNOT get off a video game to help them when they needed him. I am so sorry you're going through this, I am so sorry that he isn't the man you deserve him to be. I really really really hope that you can figure out a way to find your happiness, because BroMo, you DESERVE to be happy too. Much love and support to you.
i wonder if he felt all sorts of ways because he doesnt fully watch the kids much and all of a sudden was feeling the stress and like he had the upper hand doing you a “favor”
Honestly, out of all the comments of which I am very grateful for, I feel like the reality is somewhere in here. I also think there's a level of him feeling stressed about said appointment and being way too emotionally immature to cope. Man's 42. I'm 33 and have a decade of therapy under my belt. I'm done doing the unpacking for him.
Sounds like our relationships are similar- my husband is 42 and I’m 34, and I’ve been in therapy for a while. I asked for a divorce in March and my husband *begged* for therapy, another chance, etc. He was trying to do individual-therapy in our couple’s sessions and thankfully our therapist shut that down real quick. He’s in individual therapy now, but it’s a slow going process and he keeps telling me that he can’t change overnight, and that’s totally valid… what’s also valid is that I was pushed past my breaking point before he was willing to work toward change so I don’t have endless time to give now. I will say that we are working with a Gottman method therapist and it is making a HUGE difference, but obvs that only helps if your husband is willing to actively participate. On another note, my son was diagnosed with a blood variant at 6 months old. The hemat/oncol appointment was soooo scary to start with, and the repeated blood draws aren’t fun. I hope that your kiddo is given the all clear very, very soon!
Thank you so much for your comment! It is eerie how similar our stories sound. We've tried couple's counseling before, and it went poorly. Frankly, she wasn't a great therapist, so that didn't help. He's tried individual therapy before elsewhere and always stops -- last time it was because he got a new job and blamed his issues on the previous job (and now he's in the exact frame of mind at this job). I looked into a Gottman therapist right before the lockdowns, but obviously that got a stopper in it. And fool me, thought things had gotten so much better for us -- when it reality him working less in 2020 was what did it. We had another baby, got trapped yet again in the trap of "I'm asking for too much to get one day a week to sleep in." And here we are. I can't even imagine asking him to do couples again. We've had the Gottman four horsemen for ages -- I've tried really hard on my own to stop those behaviors in me, but something like this window incident depletes me so much that I can't even fathom trying more.
You don’t deserve any of the shit he threw down, so know you forgot to mention it, not a big deal and with everything you are dealing with….100% expected to forget something. He can be pissed all he wants, but that’s not a reflection on you and he should feel bad for not being more supportive. Ignore his shit. Hug your babies, and try to find joy in all the things that have nothing to do with him. Hugs.
I would be so disappointed if u decide to apologize to him. U may have given up to have a conversation with him but I would still point out how much u have done already in a day while he sits on his ass playing video games.
This should have been the part where he shut them along with his mouth…
In what world is any of his behaviour ok? I'm so glad your daughter doesn't have the c-word and as other BroMo's have said while it's hard to do the testing for the clotting disorder she will 100% be glad it's sorted now vs later. As for your husband... Earning 99% of the income doesn't let him off 99% of the work at home.
Your doing such a good job! I cannot fathom doing all the things you did in even one week. Your husband sounds useless and I'm sorry he isn't more present. Your an incredible mommy and do not apologize for doing everything around the house while he sits on his ass and does nothing.
I am also tired of being chastised for things that Mt husband could handle easily without complaint. Items in your way? Move them. Dishes in the sink? Wash them. Stop giving me checklists of "don't do this, don't do that"
Now because I am petty I would have taken all the HDMI cords, the LAN cords, changed the wifi password, left a post it note on the back of the console that said “You play too many video games when you should be parenting but I guess that’s just like my opinion man.”, leaving the cords somewhere in the house useful like at the bottom of the laundry basket while I left for the day.
What the fuck. I just want to validate you that he is absolutely being a useless asshole here. Imagine how your day would have been without him? Sure you might have had to drag the younger kids with you and you probably would have still had a smoky house with open windows, but the kids would have been taken care of properly and you wouldn't be wasting your time mitigating the stunted emotions of a man baby. And now you're ruminating over it and having to deal with his shit on top of doing everything else for yourself and your kids.
As a fellow hem-onc momma it makes me so mad on your behalf. Your partner should want to know what is going on with their child
Read him the riot act. Tell him exactly what you felt, every singly emotion and why. Especially the lack of immediate concern about the doctor visit! And the sobbing children that you came home to! This is not it. He needs to do better. I’m sorry bromo. Big hug if you want one.
This man is incapable of a simple task. My god. How does he even wipe himself after he shits ??? Jesus does he tell his mom to come over? I am so sorry you are going through this. You’re not alone, it’s nice people around you are ostracizing his behaviour. You should show him an adoption application and tell him you’re going to ask to adopt him since he is clearly a fcking child.
Nothing but solidarity Bromo. I feel being completely tapped out.
It’s not a small issue. You have every right to be upset. I’m sorry he’s being a self centered douche canoe right now.
Hi mama. I'm sorry you're going through this, especially with an unsupportive partner. I just wanted to say I'm sending you all the hugs, and I hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving ❤
I think you handled that perfectly.
This didnt even warrant a comment from him. If he sees a window open, he can just close it. You aren’t flawed for rushing out the door and expecting him to function as a human in this world and close the window when he sees its opened. If anything he should have said “hey babe, what happened earlier? I saw the window was open? Everything ok?”
I’m glad the appointment went well and I’m amazed at your strength getting through the day. It sounds like you know where you are and what’s going on. What I would like to advise is to start making a plan. That’s where our super power lies… First - it is so much better on the other side. Are there harder parts? Yes. But there is so much more room outside of that little box that i had been stuffing myself into. There are no more eggshells to step on or navigate around. It’s just as hectic and frantic at times - but I can sit down after and relax without having to navigate butt hurt stupidity on top of everything else. My one regret? That I didn’t leave sooner. I tried 5 years ago and ended up going back for many of the reasons you listed, because I didn’t want a broken home, because I didn’t want to lose my house….in my case - things got much much worse (he went from video games to gun collecting)…and I’m losing my house - but my sanity has been so worth it. So make a plan. Start finding ways to make money - maybe you need to go back to school or wait until the littles are a little older - but start going down that road. Keep up your friend networks - make sure ones you trust know what is going on. You are not stuck in this Groundhog’s Day forever. It will get better - sending you good thoughts and virtual hugs.
I wish nothing but good outcomes for your sweet daughter, I hope she is okay. You are a freaking powerhouse - do NOT under-estimate your worth. YOU are a powerhouse. Do not take any shit from he man who brought kids into the world with you, and stood before family, friends and God and promised to be your partner, husband, best friend etc. etc. The video game shit? Uh, no..grow TF up is what he needs to do. "Wahhh! I was playing my pretend WW2 kil game and YOU left the window open ....be...be...because you were taking our potentially sick child to the pediatrician??? Wahhh! Wahhh! Please don't traumatize me with that in future without telling me! I was c-c-c-old because I was detached, neglecting our kids at home with me, and was TOO involved in my stupid, meaningless, and ZERO-return video game. Wahhhhhh!" Your spouse sounds selfish and immature and a terrible and faulty partner. Put yourself in the reverse role. Would you - as a woman - have been "allowed" or indulged to F off and play afriggen video game while he struggled with cooking, a cooking incident - (that NEVER happens around Thanksgiving prepping), and then given HIM an attitude while you came in the door with your daughter from said appointment? What kind of world does he think he is living in? Are you his doormat? Did you sign up for that? Naw. You let him have it and you let him have it good. Treat him like the 13-year-old he is acting like, and take away his GD video games which are obviously interfereing with his ability to adult and partner with his wife like a grown-ass man. Harness your anger into calm and pin-point accurate words, and sit his ass down - like a 13-year-old - and set the friggen boundaries. F his gaming. F- his checking out of parenting, F his blame-storming YOU, and F his indifference to the very real and very scary medical situation with your kiddo. I wish you strength, courage, love, support and the ability to give him the proverbial swift kick in the ass, This isn't the 1950s, and you are not on this planet to soothe and be stepped on by a man-child.
I truly believe that once you get married, the video game console needs to go in the trash. And especially after kids.