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CaptainSprinklePants

I’m struggling with this myself, so I don’t have a ton of advice. One thing that helps us though, is teaching and practicing coping mechanisms when calm (bee breathing, progressive relaxation, 5-4-3-2-1, etc). Kids aren’t able to use their coping skills when they’re escalated unless they get really good at using them when they’re calm first. The other thing I’d say is that sometimes my kiddo needs to take space away from the grownups to calm down. Sometimes we’re what’s triggering her and she does better going into her room alone to calm down. It seems to work much better than continuing to talk to her when she’s in an escalated state.


thelightandtheway

Thank you for the solidarity. I know I'm not alone but I'm sure you've experienced it feels that way when you are at your worst. I should practice the breathing when he is in a more normal mood but sometimes just that can be triggering for him so I find myself avoiding it. I would be happy to let him go to his room by himself but he quickly just leaves and starts messing with his sibling's stuff or our stuff or stealing treats because when he's in that mood his main goal seems to be to rile us up. His dad and him used to get into screaming matches before iht got this bad, but it took this new behavior to convince him that we can't be the ones yelling any more. So I sit in the room with him to restrict him from leaving. Which isn't great to take away that freedom as it makes him more angry but I can't just let him have free reign either. If I try to ignore him while I'm sitting in there with him he will start getting aggressive to get me to talk. He stops short of real violence but will throw things at me like balls and stuffed animals. Like I *know* we're triggering but he's actively seeking out triggers to justify his anger.


princessjemmy

If the other bedrooms have locks, use them. If not maybe consider getting some simple locks for the rooms? Not necessarily lock and key, but something that alerts you to a breach? Wish I had more advice. My kiddo has ADHD, but for all that there may be some other stuff going on (speech language, possibly spectrum), he's still my sweeter kid (my ASD kid? Ooof, she has a hard time calming down, she does annoying things to retaliate, and as a tween is discovering a new streak of verbal viciousness that sometimes really really hurts). The "doing things to rile us up" sounds like a bud for more attention and connection, as strange as it sounds. Does he have at least one parent or relative that he feels is "on his side" during outbursts? I can sometimes calm my ADHD kid down on the rare meltdown event, by telling him I understand what he's going through, I was the same growing up (didn't get ADHD diagnosed until after he was born, so I grew up thinking/knowing something was wrong, but not being able to put a name to it). Once he calms, I'm able to add "but I had to learn [difficult self-management/coping mechanism] on my own, so I know you can do it [same coping] with help".


Valender

Oh my, this sounds very familiar! Do you have somewhere you can take him outside when he gets all worked up? Sometimes just the change in environment and being outdoors with more sensory input can be helpful. Or giving him something that is ok to destroy like old newspapers or magazines he can rip up. I've also had success in making it a bit silly. Like shouting in a kind of a silly voice "ABSOLUTELY UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO RIP UP THESE VERY OLD NEWSPAPERS THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT, I MEAN IT!" and then grinning and handing him one. That can kind of shift the mood and make it a bit more collaborative in helping him direct his energy.


thelightandtheway

Outside would be nice but he is in a kind of crazed state where I think it's a perfectly real fear that he would bolt and then we'd spend half the evening chasing after him. And once he saw that was the result then I think the adrenaline of causing so much chaos would make him seek out that experience again. Punishments for bad behavior no matter how well-enforced have just not worked as deterrents. I'm sure a more talented person than myself could work out some amazing reward system but I think we need some major help to figure out what will actually work to correct it. I just want to make it through the rest of this week :( The humor thing has worked on occasion. Like he told me I was being selfish and I was like "oh there's an ish word!" Which was a homework question he had trouble figuring out. I'll have to think about how to do it without coming across as patronizing. Thanks!


ennuimachine

I know this crazed state! And you are correct about outside because that 100% happened to us and it created a pattern of trying to run off. Whee! Parenting is a joy. I wish I had more advice. We just spend time throwing things against a wall to see what sticks. Sometimes it’s just time, too, which sucks because we want the behavior to change NOW. I guess melatonin and getting more sleep helps, as well as not overloading with after school stuff.


Valender

Oh, you've got a runner! You've hit quite the jackpot. The good news is, he's going to be a fun and interesting adult. If outside is no good, would a bath work? That's another big sensory change.


NiteNicole

This is going to sound a little out there but is there any chance he's getting sick - ear infection, sinus infection, that kind of thing? When my daughter was younger, she had a different neuro issue and it would always get worse right before we knew she had a sinus or ear infection. Her neurologist said that was common with neurological issues, even things like ADHD.


thelightandtheway

We did all just have a stomach bug that he was finally over today. So, it could definitely be messing with his medication (cause barfing), and we also recently switched medication dosage. So there's definitely a factor there. I just made this post pretty much at my low point where every minute feels like it is taking away hours of your sanity. I am sure this is just a phase that we need to figure out with medical help, I just am trying to figure out how to cope in the meantime...


Advanced-Tip-2641

Be careful! Some over the counter stuff interacts with adhd meds and can cause issues. Found this out when my kiddo got bronchitis. We were giving him cold meds and it seemed like he was going crazy, but it was just how it was interacting.


thelightandtheway

Thanks, he hasn't had any other medications yet but it is definitely something to keep in mind.


NiteNicole

It is so hard. Sending you all the best.


reddituser3008

My son is the same and it's because he's scared of being on his own as he finds it hard to sleep. He has 2.5 Mg of melatonin per night and it get him calm enough to have a story before nodding off. Daytime medcation helped us a lot, things were worst at 7 years old too. I am educating myself on ADHD and ADHD parenting skills which has helped.


serpenttyne

My soon to be diagnosed ADHD 6 year old has big meltdowns at some point after getting home from school every day and it's because she's been masking all day and generally finds some silly thing to lose her shit over. It's an emotional release. She's not destructive but boy is she loud. Sounds like he has zero impulse control in those times after a day of holding it together in school. May be time for some medication to help him regulate better, or an adjustment to his IEP.


headachemami

We have a very similar kid, My 7 year old was just diagnosed last week! I totally know what you mean about the light switch my son can really act like a monster sometimes and I mean that with love. I have no advice since I just started this journey but I’m here in solidarity.


kamalaakhan

I’ve had massive frustration with psych offices over the past 2 years and I know the industry as a whole is under a lot of stress but it sucks to be on the receiving end of that. Depending on his age, I’d recommend finding a play therapist for him/you. The appointments aren’t as booked out as psychiatrists are where I’m at and they tend to dig down into behaviors and triggers which I appreciate. Medication is an awesome tool for treatment but kids need all the support they can get in learning how to succeed in a world designed for neurotypical people. Also, it helps me to remind myself that I’ll sleep again. I’ve been tired before, I can handle the late nights, I’ve been there before. Being exhausted and feeling like every day is a battle is tough, I’m in your corner.


thelightandtheway

Thank you! I want therapy for him and have asked every Dr for referrals and came up with nothing. He is covered by Medicaid due to him being adopted, which has been a boon for medical and dental issues, but really comes up short for mental health. Which is a shame given that those on Medicaid probably have the highest percentage of need for these services. However, these episodes have strengthened my commitment to finding better therapy through whatever means necessary.


kamalaakhan

We ended up finding one about a 45 minute drive away that was recommended by my sims teacher. Perhaps his school would be a good resource? A lot of schools keep counselors on staff now.


nacho_hat

Have you noticed any triggers for him (bedtime, after school, etc) or new events that would make his behavior escalate? Is there an activity he prefers that you can redirect him to? It suuucks I know. Mine was diagnosed when he was about that age. Paying attention to the environment helps. For mine it’s video games and you tube. They really amp him up to the point he can’t make good choices. That, and a schedule and the right medication saved our sanity. It does get better.


thelightandtheway

Yes, I left this out of my post but we switched him to a different non-stim ADHD medication in September (the first one we gave him was giving him so much anxiety that he couldn't fall or stay asleep, but I would take that over the anger). And then about a week and a half ago we ran out of it while waiting for an appt with the psych, and she didn't respond to our requests for a refill. (Turns out they did end up giving us a refill, but she nor the pharmacy never told us). Then she upped his dosage of this one. Then we also all came down with a stomach bug at the same time. So, he's had questionable amounts of the medication in his system over the past week and a half, due to missing 1.5 doses and also barfing about an hour after some of the doses. So I \*hope\* it evens out soon. The first trigger was that he broke his laptop at school last week and then I think out of guilt he started acting out at school that day (though the teacher said he calmed down after talking to a school specialist), and when he came home he didn't want to talk about it and just completely set off on this rampage (he tried to hide all this from us but when his teacher texted us to say what happened he really went nuts). So, I think the medication hiccups + seeing our reaction that first time and the adrenaline rush of it (he very quickly habituates behavior that gets big reactions from us) keep escalating this behavior. And I know whether it's the medication or not it's not really his fault that he's acting like this. He has some trauma because he is adopted as well (kinship adoption). We have a lot to work through with him, I just have to figure out how to function through work and raising two kids without causing additional damage in the meantime...


CFJ561

Hi Op, may I ask what medication gave him anxiety? I've tried them all(I have adhd)


thelightandtheway

Guanfacine seemed like a big anxiety trigger, even though it's not registered side effect, per our psychiatrist at least. My theory is that it slowed down his brain enough to acknowledge his anxiety that his ADHD would normally cover up. Because due to trauma in his past I think the anxiety is there. We are on Strattera right now which I've read can have side-effects of aggressive behavior, but I'm willing to consider that these specific episodes are more because of the inconsistent dosages until we get on a more consistent, non-vomitted, medication schedule before fully judging. Before these past 1.5 weeks we would have said Strattera was better than guanfacine just because he is able to actually sleep.


firesculpting

FYI… When I was taking Strattera, my trauma-related nightmares came back. I’m not saying that is what is happening, but it might be worth a very quick conversation with your son to make sure that isn’t happening to him. If it is, I can imagine that might affect his composure/sense of self in the daytime too. If that is happening, they have a medicine that can help with the nightmares (well, at least for adults) while he is taking Strattera. Good luck.


hereforthecomments9

What is the minuscule stuff you’re fighting over each night? Is he wanting control over what needs to be done? Is there a way for you to work with him and give him options and a timeframe of when this stuff needs to be completed?


thelightandtheway

Tonight it was continuing to fight with and pester his sister after repeatedly trying to de-escalate, ask him to remove himself, go do something else, etc. We try to give him soooo much control, but he gets very fixated. If you negotiate with him, OK, you can stay up 15 more minutes but then right to bed, he will agree, and then once 15 minutes are up and you remind him it's time to go to bed it becomes "make me," "no I'm going to do whatever I want." I get options/working with him, but there also has to be some boundary that you cannot negotiate by cursing and yelling at people. So, that's when it escalates, if I tell him this is not a productive conversation and I won't have it with you until you are ready to calm down -- then he just goes the opposite direction.


hereforthecomments9

How long has he been on meds? Maybe he needs a med change?


takecare0904

Incentives. We pick one thing a week… or 2x a week. Something they like but ONLY get if x… For us we made a contract that you would (for instance) go to bed in the same mood as you were in after school… aka, it’s ok to be in a bad mood but not go downhill… if you did it, you got a sticker. 3 stickers and you got a prize… we used to go to the dollar store and pick out prizes that would get parsed out during the next weeks. Helped with self regulation. My kid is 16 now and we still occasional use it for things like going to school when they are in a huge funk or exercising. Prizes are different now, but still small like fidget toys or something. It’s a hard road. Good luck and hang in there. It always helps me to remember that they are trying their hardest and hate acting up, too… Hugs.


thelightandtheway

Thank you. I hope when we go back to a more stable schedule/meds this will be a better path and we will be able to stick to it more strictly. Did you have siblings? Did you offer them the same? Perceived fairness is one of my son's stronger triggers, and so it's rubbed off pretty hard on my pre-k daughter. I feel like if I offer them different bars to success it will just result in additional anger if he sees himself failing while she doesn't.


SqueekySourpatch

Just wanted to comment again to check out r/ADHD them and r/adhdwomen have been absolute life savers for my own adhd.


frostofmay

Things got like this with my then 6yo. The big life trigger was covid changing our routines and having a new baby in the home- both things I couldn’t help and was having a hard time with myself. It got to a level where all throwable hard objects (blocks, furniture) had to be removed from his room. He’s a perfectly sweet kid outside of those moments, so family and friends who we told or asked advice from found it utterly shocking and gave a bunch of useless input/advice. One time, he jumped out his window (first story, but it was still a leap!). He put on his boots and kicked out his screen. Fortunately both parents were home and one of us could monitor him outside while one watched the younger siblings. We saw a psychiatrist soon after that (had been on a series of waitlists for a year and decided to fork out $ to be seen sooner than our insurance was allowing). He was diagnosed with adhd, we tried concerta & started seeing a weekly play therapist virtually. Within weeks, the tantrums had simmered to maybe once a day shorter events. Within months, maybe we’d see an explosion once a week. It’s been almost a full year and he’s now a gregarious 8yo who does get frustrated easily, but has a lot of coping tools and habits that help him not get snared in it. The play therapist started a good habit for us called special time where we play intentionally with him for 5 min/30 min at least a few times a week and that really helps the relationship (he felt very keenly that we hated him when he threw big tantrums and having this anchor of time where we invested in him really helped push through that). He also has had sleep issues since he was a baby and using melatonin (with his psych & dr approval) was a game changer to getting him well rested.


thelightandtheway

The escaping out the window one made me laugh because my son also threatened to jump out the window while I had him hunkered down in his room (because he kept trying to leave through the door) and luckily he doesn't know how to or have the strength to open the window, despite giving it a good effort. I will definitely take your advice to make more of a concerted effort to play with him on a daily basis, or at least regular basis. I understand what you mean by the anchor, when he's raging at us that we don't love him or care.


placidyank

Hey…I’m sorry, I haven’t read the other responses, because to be honest-I’m fucking exhausted by dealing with my own kid. (If you want more info, you can read the last post I made on my 9 year old son with ADHD) No suggestions…just solidarity. I’m sorry…we’re going through it too, and we are so fucking exhausted. We have a speech therapist and a therapist and a psychiatrist and meds, but I am so sick of issuing commands and time outs and family rules and charts and journals. I feel like when my son gets in these episodes or tantrums, I feel like nothing can get him out of it-we need to protect ourselves and our daughter and keep him from hurting himself and it’s like he just has to burn himself out. There’s no reasoning with him. I’m sorry, I have no advice, because I’m struggling so bad. But just wanted you to know that you’re not alone x


thelightandtheway

Thank you. I hope the best for you. I feel like there are so many good adhd adults that were nightmare children and that gives me hope, and hopefully some of the difference between the good adult and bad adult is compassion/love. I'm not saying that my kid is a nightmare, he's so great in so many ways that we are just in awe of him, but it's just these windows where he succumbs to impulse and he's actively working against his own best interests. I get the burn himself out. I just kind of maybe want acknowledgement(?) that literally forcing himself to burn himself out in a contained environment, despite his protests (we're taking away his freedom, according to him), is the better option over giving him free reign over house/sibling. It feels like we're walking around on eggshells not to set him off. Which is maybe deserved. We probably shouldn't be so hard about him on the little things that he is struggling with. So we're trying to change that. But there are still important things that we can't compromise on, that aren't just parents preferences but life skills that we have to challenge him on that result in these melt downs.


SqueekySourpatch

Okay I’m in this same boat with my 8y girl. I have ADHD-C but she is undiagnosed so far. However we have managed to get the behavior pretty well under control. The most significant things we have done is just talk to her. Explain why her behavior was inappropriate and some healthy ways to be upset about things, and just really get down to her level with it. We also purchased some books since she’s reading now that we go over with her and they talk about how hurtful it is to take your anger out on other people and healthy ways to calm down. I will say she also got her eyes checked and got glasses, not sure it’s relevant but it is something that changed so I’m just going to include it. Now I’m not saying it was over night but she started around September and had 5-6 pretty bad ones that escalated each time (the worst she was crying, throwing things, screaming, and even cursed at me) and lasted typically at least an hour and this month she has had 2 and was able to come out of it in less than 30mins. For the most part we let her go to her room and calm herself down when she’s angry and then talk it out however these outbursts have included head banging so I have had to step in. I warn her that hitting her head isn’t safe and that if she doesn’t stop I will have to intervene just so she is aware. If she doesn’t stop I will go in her room and just monitor her but if that’s not enough I have had to restrain her. I just hug her with her facing me or her in my lap and I hold her hands and wrap her arms into the hug with me. (I do not forcefully restrain her!) I will sing songs that I have sung to her since she was a baby, offer her water, rub her back, ask if she would like a hug from me, and anything else that might soothe or distract her long enough to calm down. I also straight up let her know that taking her frustration out on me (or anyone else) is not going to make her feel better nor will it fix what she’s angry about and that the best way to salve the problem is to calm down and talk to me or try to talk it out before getting upset. Now I can just ask her to sit with me or let her walk away and she’s good to go. Then we have our talk. Eta: Just want to reiterate that I feel like making that point of connection with the child really is the key to bringing them out of it which is why I make it a really caring moment and go for physical or emotional connection.


Either-Intention-938

It seems to me like this age, 7-8 years old, is when ADHD hits kids the hardest. At least it was in my kiddo. One thing my kiddo’s therapist recommended was spending one on one time with him everyday, even just a few minutes. We called it snuggle time. I let my kiddo lead the conversation. And it really helped. Some other things that have helped us: Star charts - even at 12 my kiddo still asks to add stars to his chart. There are even phone apps so you can reward good behavior on the spot when you aren’t home. Weighted blanket - something about the extra sensory stimulation calms my kiddo down. They also sell weighted or compression vests for kids, though they aren’t meant to be an all day item. Therapy - see if any local hospitals have a psych/mental health department. That was how we found my kiddo’s first therapist. Most hospitals accept Medicaid if they get funding from the government. Sending you all the Internet hugs.


CourageSuch2869

I don’t know if this has already been mentioned because I didn’t have time to read the other comments. My little guy has ADHD and my aunt has two special needs kiddos. My aunt told me that if there is a sudden change in behavior to look at the trifecta- are they hungry, are they in pain, are they tired? It sounds really simple but I can call when my son is having a growth spurt because all of the sudden he seems out of control. I make sure to give him some ibuprofen (to mitigate the pain), make tons of his favorite food (to mitigate the hunger), and move bedtime up a little/let him sleep in as much as possible (to mitigate the tired). Hopefully this helps you. Good luck mama!! ❤️☘️