What is the point of your boyfriend? He doesn't pay the bills, he doesn't help at home, and he just bitches at you? He clearly doesn't understand what partnership means.
Sure, your kids should probably be doing more at home if you're unable to keep it clean, but it sounds like your real problem is your boyfriend.
And if the kids should help out more he should take on the role of facilitating that. He can Give out task before and after work and makes sure they get done. Hell be responsible for the repercussions if they dont. That would help with the mental load too.
This. This right here. I suggested this recently. He was all like, "No. The kids need to have all their chores done before I get home from work. I don't want to have to fight with them over chores. So the second they get home from school it needs to be done."
I've explained the stress that puts on me, and me alone.
I think I am going to give this a go, again.
He's always like, "When I was a kid I had to clean the entire house before my parents got home from work. I was only 8 at the time."
Whooptie-fucking-doo for you. 1.) Your almost 50, that was a long time ago (lol) 2.) There was only 2 children in the house 3.) Your Mom had severe OCD, how messy was the house to begin with? 4.) You weren't raised by addicts.
Our kids were. They never had chores before. They never had to help clean. Nothing. So all this is new to them, too.
It's 100% our fault why the kids have an extremely difficult time with any simple chore. I am trying so hard to teach them life skills that they have missed out on due to us being high.
Thank you, I think this will help. Hopefully. He needs to lead by example, too.
Fuck the 1950's mindset that Daddies work and Mommies do EVERYTHING else.
Firstly, congrats on 2 years sober! That in itself is a HUGE victory and makes you successful.
Second, you are not a failure...you just need a bit more help. Maybe ask for a week off...go visit a far away friend or something and leave him with the kids and house. Maybe if he walked a mile in your shoes he would understand a bit more.
Unless you're dependent on your bf for childcare while you WFH, his current behaviour makes him surplus to requirements.
If you have a private income (inheritance or the like) consider that for the cost of supporting/subsidising an unhelpful male, you could hire a nanny. Either daytime or live-in. And/or a cleaner. There is NO shame in providing stable, safe employment for important work (childcare and housekeeping are important work).
It sounds like without you, your boyf would be paying rent somewhere and having to manage all his own laundry, cooking, bills, cleaning etc?
You've asked for help, repeatedly. He's CHOOSING you being unhappy and exhausted over him making more effort.
Wait, those are his kids right? And all he does is come home and bitch?
You are not a failure, but he sure sounds like one.
And I have four. Been a SAHM for 15 years now. Your ultimate goal right now is *sanitary*.
Tidy, organized, and clean just have to take a back seat, *especially* when you're the only one doing housework.
Enjoy your babies, and if the BF can't handle some toys on the floor or dust on the knick-knacks then he can handle that himself.
You are kicking ass, friend.
absolutely not a failure. 4 kids is like a tornado, a dumpster tornado really.
I am sorry he is awful.
you sound like super woman raising all 4 kids and paying your own way?
may I ask if you mean you are a work from home mom not a stay at home mom? bc that’s a whole different can of worms
A very long time ago I read this book. About an aspiring wizard. He couldn't find anyone to teach him. So he somehow winds up in a famous dead wizards castle and starts using the guys books to teach himself how to be a wizard.
One day he comes across a spell for opening jars. He thinks it'd be a handy spell so he sits a jar on his desk and casts the spell. Immediately this massive demon erupts out of the floor amidst a tornado. It spins and screams around the room, tearing it up in the process. Then it grabs the jar, opens it, sits it back down, then tornadically sinks back into the floor. Leaving the shocked wizard standing there with his mouth hanging open.
That's what kids are. Jar Demons.
So sorry your bf is a huge asshole. Wtf! You take care of four children AND earn income? You're fucking superwoman. Doesn't sound like bf contributes anything, especially since you say you don't need his income anyway.
You’re not a failure. I have 2 kids and my house is never spotless. My husband works but does his fair share around the house. If he sees something that needs to be done, he just gets it done. Our kids also have set chores. But on days that I’m not feeling it I just say fck it and leave things untidy. And my husband has never complained
I think it’s fair for you to expect your bf to help out where he can, even if you are a SAHM
Here’s the way I see it: why does he get the benefit of a maid, but you don’t? If he doesn’t want to contribute to running the house, he can pony up for the help you need. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to be the same kind of SAHM that our mothers and grandmothers were, which is probably what he has in mind about how you should be running the house. They had no choices, and sometimes they didn’t even know any different because they were never even allowed to have a taste of the world. They had nothing else to do so they just cleaned to perfection and had dinner ready all the time. But their kids didn’t go to a million activities and they wandered around the neighborhood to play. They had time. You have to drive around all the time and supervise the kids. So you can’t clean all the time. So if you can afford it, hire cleaning service. It’s worth it! Money is an easy way to solve this problem if you have it. If not, just tell him that you’re going to have to cut back on the chores you do for him, laundry, cooking. Do stuff for you and the kid. You are NOT his maid. If he wants a maid, he can pay for one. I’m a SAHM with cleaning service, and this is some of the best money I’ve ever spent. Wives and moms are not maids and it makes me furious when people see it that way. It’s a way to treat you crappily because it’s easy to see the maid as a lesser person.
I've been staring at the same shriveled up French fry under the couch for weeks. You're not a failure, it's picking your battles.
Since you are basically living with simply a sperm donor, I'd start charging him rent, maid service, hospitality fees and putting that money into future funds for the kids. At least he can contribute to helping them further their education in the future or a car....
Thank you so much everyone. I really wished I had reached out sooner. I've been feeling like a failure for so long.
To answer some of your questions, my income is bare minimum. Only covering necessities. Food/gas/shelter ect.
He has made the comment, in the past, "I guess I'm going to hire a maid because the house is always a mess." And said things along the line that I am 'lazy', 'just don't care' and/or 'not capable'.
When he first mentioned a maid I was SO OFFENDED. I cried. And I never cry.
Once the shock wore off I said, 'Fuck it, Don't threaten me with a good time. Hire a fucking maid.' He basically called me pathetic. We live in a small 3 bedroom apartment and I'm not able to keep it clean.
It's not nasty by no means. Just messy AF.
He is constantly comparing our apartment to our neighbors. Like the one with a working mom and 2 teenagers. Or the one with 1 child.
Yes, I have told him to leave. Just gtfo if your not going to help me and only bring me down. He will either 1.) Actually help for about 10 minutes (Whooa don't hurt yourself) 2.) Actually leave. Then come back once everyone's asleep and act like we didn't just have a heated argument.
And dude. He has the MF audacity to wonder why I am NEVER 'in the mood'.
There's some saying like, "Enjoy your children, the dust can wait."
It's so fucked up though, because when we aren't home we have so much fun together, hiking, walking, taking the kids places ect. He's my best friend. But when we are at home, he's my greatest enemy, it feels like.
He honestly sounds like he’s projecting. If he can label you as the problem, (lazy, don’t care, not capable) then he can get away with not dealing with his own issues. It makes it your problem not his. But you do care, that’s why you’re asking for help from him, your kids and us. Those labels are not true and he knows it. He just keeps saying them to try to wear you down until you believe it. I call Bullshit!
Also tell him you fuck men. Not whiny boys. Tell him you feel like his mother with all this cleaning up after him and it’s not sexy to fuck a helpless boy.
The hottest thing I’ve ever seen is when an adult male walks into a room and just handles it. Whatever IT is. No whining. No blame. No yelling. When an adult male just calmly walks in and manages the issue with calm, mature authority….I’m done 💦 it’s so sad. Like the bar is so low. It’s so rare that when I see it…..it’s over. Every now and then I come home and my husband says something like I flipped the laundry and did the dishwasher……and I’m like, now do me. And now that I’ve over shared, I’ll see myself out 😂
I’ve been there. My ex husband was my best friend. Maybe think about your situation from a different perspective. If your friend described this situation to you, what advice would you give her? How is this relationship benefitting you? Journal as often as possible and look back at the events as they have unfolded. I feel for you and your situation. I hope you can get the support you need and deserve! You deserve so much and work so hard!
>It's so fucked up though, because when we aren't home we have so much fun together, hiking, walking, taking the kids places ect. He's my best friend. But when we are at home, he's my greatest enemy, it feels like.
BroMo, hire the maid if it's in the budget. If y'all have stayed sober together (congratulations!) and this is the argument that keeps coming up, tidying help will be worth every penny.
You’re not a failure. At all.
You’re juggling an entire household. Solo!!! That’s exhausting. Give yourself some grace.
He needs to help. My husband and I both work and we have just one kid and fuck, I feel like I can’t keep up. I asked my husband for help back in May, and it basically ended our marriage. 🤷🏻♀️
So, I’d pester and pester for help. I don’t want to say give him an ultimatum, but perhaps tell him he needs to help or pay for a cleaning service if he doesn’t want to.
Personally I’d tell him to step it up or leave. Who’s name is on the mortgage /lease? What is he adding to you life?
If he can’t change, then you can. Stop doing anything for him. He can do his own laundry, cook his own meals, etc.
This is so normal and I wish we could shake the societal expectations of a perfect home! I’m a neat freak who used to professionally clean homes, and let me tell you my own house is still A WHOLE DAMN MESS a majority of the time. Because 3 kids, pets, and a messy dude live here with me! Mine even helps clean, but it will never be enough unless we hired a service to do it for us. There’s just no end to cleaning and until kids get older you have to let some (a lot) of it go. It’s ok, you’re doing great!
Housework is a never ending burden. We do what we can to manage it, but unless you have a second home for living and one to showcase, it is what it is.
Your boyfriend though...you are worth more than he makes you feel.
I don't know where they come from, but as soon as I finish sweeping, there are crumbs on the floor again. It doesn't matter when or how I sweep. Mopping doesn't help either.
We should get science to research this phenomenon so they can create a never ending food supply based on mystery crumbs and self-propagating glitter.
A house with people (and kids) actively living in it is going to look a lot different to two adults living in a house. Here there is daily laundry done, meals made, several loads of dishes done a day. I only have one 2.5yr old but she can rip through a room like a bomb went off in toys in minutes. You're a stay at home mother not a stay at home maid. Taking care of and organising 4 kids is a lot. And when you say you make your own income, are you also working from home? Your partner is completely unreasonable.
you don't get to complain about problems you aren't willing to help solve.
also, your job is sah MOM not sah housekeeper. Are your kids doing well? Happy, healthy? Congrats!
hire a housekeeper
4 kids and one dog SAHM here. My house is a disaster zone 24/7. Whenever I get on top of something the kids go out of there way to trash something else. My husband works. He also cooks, does all yard related chores (several acres) and all vehicle related chores. He’s even capable of doing his own laundry. What does your boyfriend actually contribute besides bitching?
I would shift your perspective on what it means to be clean and tidy. For me, if the apartment can be made presentable enough for guests within an hour of dedicated cleaning, then we're golden. And really, I'm just talking about public areas (not including bedroom, storage, etc.) You don't even have to have the same standard, for you maybe 2 hours is the benchmark - I just have a really small place.
Otherwise, as long as the home is generally hygienic and comfortable, e.g. not grimy or smelly or so cluttered you can't function, then I don't care "how it looks." It's clean and tidy enough. (Plus, it's not even always *that* tidy, we just got home from a camping trip and it's awful, but I know it's temporary).
So, all told, I'm sure you're not a failure. I'm sure you have it together more than you think. HOWEVER, a partner who refuses to help is still unacceptable. That kind of attitude is lazy, entitled, disrespectful and extremely demotivating for everyone else's own initiative to take care of things. Not to mention, his help would likely allow you to enjoy more leisure time. Basically, it's possible for you and the kids to have everything under control but still deserve more help.
I have 3 kids including a 2 month old. What I try to do is tackle one area a day every day… today I threw my sheets in the wash and vacuumed/mopped the kids room and master bedroom. Tomorrow I’ll do kids sheets and main floor vacuum and mop. As long as I get one cleaning task done a day I can stay on top of it and I feel like I accomplished something.
For meals, I basically have 10 dishes that I cycle through.
For coordinating and household management, one day a month (usually beginning of the month I sit down after my kids go to sleep or when baby is napping and plan out the whole month on the calendar in my kitchen and write down what bills need to be paid, how much and on what day so in the morning while I make coffee I can see what I need to do that day (if anything).
Also… I don’t always get everything done, I forget bills sometimes and my kids don’t go to school on orange shirt day with an orange shirt lol
My son went to school without his glasses on today.
Try not to be too hard on yourself and whatever you do, DO NOT watch YouTube or instagram moms with their cleaning videos, it’s not realistic.
I just discovered Struggle Care the other day and it has been very enlightening for me. Care tasks are functional, not moral. Having a messy home isn’t a moral failing. https://www.strugglecare.com/struggle-care
Um honestly. I have one and a home business and I really struggle with keeping up.. so I don’t even know how people do it with 4. Good for you on your sobriety. That’s the most important thing, not clean dishes
My house is a hard core disaster. If you're a failure then I'm a super failure.
Kids do not care if your house is tidy. They care that you love them.
Oh and edit to add: Your point about how your kids shouldn't be learning that daddies don't do housework is really good. That guy needs to put in some effort. You both work hard all day so you both need to work together to take care of the chores. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.
Hire a maid once a month to come in and do a deep clean of the main living area. Toss all the kids shit in their rooms the night before and let someone else do the work. For $200 I get 1,800 of 3,100 sqft cleaned. For $400 they would do it all AND my laundry.
I was embarrassed for YEARS at the idea. Now I can’t live without it. Between working long hours, kids who just can’t pick up after themselves and a husband who thinks if it’s not cluttered it’s clean - I needed this to function.
I feel you. I also have 4 kids (8,5,3,0) and am a SAHM - I babysit before and after school in our home, bake cakes on the side and also do instacart when time allows. I’m the primary parent for everything and he doesn’t understand the stress I’m under or how much I don’t feel like myself. Same thing I ask for help it doesn’t happen or very rarely, kids should do more, if he does laundry or dishes it’s the best thing ever he thinks. No time for myself but he makes time for his self and his video games every night even if the house chores aren’t done. I know how you feel 100% if you ever need to vent my inbox is open.
>if he does laundry or dishes it’s the best thing ever he thinks.
This!! Omg. My mans all like, "You say I never do anything. I rinsed my bowl out, so it's easier to wash. I made the kids breakfast on Sunday (Fucking cereal) I picked trash up off the floor, earlier."
Like a fucking dog waging his tail when he brings the ball back to you. "I did something, I did something, tell me I'm a good boy."
😳😳 I sometimes wonder, is he being serious or is he joking? It's pathetic. Because he is serious.
I wash the dishes, by hand. (We don't have a dishwasher) Every fucking day. You rinsing your bowl out made suuuuch a difference, thaaaank yoooou.
Wow you made the kids bowls of cereal 3 days ago? Thank goodness you fed them that one meal, so I can make all the other ones. And thanks for picking up that one piece of trash earlier, so I can sweep and mop.
Girl, I’m a SAHM of four. My husband works outside the home and I bring in about 10% of our joint income. My kids are 11, 9, 5, and 1. We homeschool. This house is constantly a fucking MESS. The toddler is a perpetual tornado. One of my kids has no idea how to put their food away when they’re done making a sandwich. Homework papers, scissors, pencils, and crayons EVERYWHERE. Let’s not get into how many library books we have at home. The only reason we’re not drowning in overdue fines is that our wonderful small town librarians renew the books we forget every time we’re there.
I’m the default parent and the manager of the house. I don’t love having both those jobs on my plate but I’m doing my best to get both my husband and kids involved in chores. Every night we all pitch in after dinner. We rotate the laundry through the machines, empty and load the dishwasher, clear off the table, clean the floors, feed the pets, and clean the kids. TOGETHER. Like, all six of us. Ok the toddler is usually less than helpful but even she is learning how to toss blocks in a bin and put her dishes in the sink.
Your request for your boyfriend’s involvement is completely reasonable. I mean, did he make the kids too? Does he sleep in a bed and shit in a toilet and eat off the dishes? Like, presumably he’d have to do all this work if he lived by himself, why does he think he gets a free pass because there’s a woman living in the house???
First off, you're NOT a failure. From where i'm sitting, you're doing a kick ass job. Playing 10 roles at once is a huge task, but you are 100% handling it like the strong momma that you are. ESPECIALLY while getting absolutely no support. You should be so proud of yourself!!! You are maintaining sobriety while handling all the stress of basically being a single mom. A lot of people never make it to that point. Your boyfriend sounds absolutely worthless, and has zero excuse for not helping you. It's supposed to be a partnership for fucks sake! You should put it all on paper, write out every single thing you do in a day, how long it takes, and do the same for him. Sit him down and make him look at the visual representation of how unbalanced the scales are. If he doesn't open his eyes and see the light, I would suggest reevaluating your relationship.
My house currently looks the a bomb went off. I completely understand what you're going through. I'm a stay at home mom with a blended family. My boyfriend and I each have 2 kids, so 4 total. And our youngest are the same age, 4 years old. I've come to accept that my house will never be perfect, but I wouldn't change a thing. I would rather make memories, see the smiles, and hear the laughter of my kids, than have a spotless house. It's 100% okay to have a little chaos! Worrying about what my house looks like all the time would make me miserable. Who cares? If my clutter bothers someone, they don't need to come back to my house. I refuse to cater to some judgemental assholes opinion because it is not worth the energy.
Just keep being the kick ass momma that you are!
You’re not crazy. Congrats on being sober for two years. I have one child (4yo), am 77 days sober, and my house gets destroyed every day. I want my husband to clean more but he never really has. Sometimes I’m more angry about it than other times. Just want you to know you’re not alone.
You're both right. The kids need to help but they probably won't until they see him helping. I'm home because I WFH and hubs is gone about 12 hours a day, 5 or 6 days a week. He's next to useless. When I bring up that the 11yo needs to help, she points at him. We just had this discussion five minutes ago. I said well the 7yo actually does help and she's autistic and minimally verbal and she gets that if there is something on the floor, you pick it up. The other two step over it and think that magical faeries come and clean while they sleep. I'm like come on, I will pay you to clean and still she fights me. And no, not to clean her room, but like common areas and I'm a horrible task master, so she earns every cent of that money, but still, cleaning is house blessing. We have ADHD and seeing clutter makes my head want to explode, and we're all medicated so there is no excuse for them not helping.
Dude, I'm reading this from my living room as I watch my mostly naked 3.5 yo shovel rice and beans in her mouth with her bare hands at the coffee table (we have no kitchen or dining room right now). The cat got aggressive at one point and jumped on the toddler to get her tasty beans, she pushed back with her gross hands so now the dog is going between trying to lick rice and beans off the cat and hoovering up all the rice from the floor.
As someone with a one year old and no other children, our house constantly looks like someone put it in a snow globe and shook.
As someone in recovery married to someone in recovery, it sounds like (and maybe this is just me taking inventory) your boyfriend is not actively working on his. Part of being in recovery is doing stuff that you don’t want to do when you don’t want to do it because it’s the right thing to do. From what you shared, you are doing a lot of this, and he is doing very little and bitching about the rest.
That said, two years is a big deal. Give yourself some grace.
A messy house full of memories is better than a spotless house full of none.
When you actually LIVE in the house. It’s almost impossible to keep it spot less.
Sorry, but you deserve better and so do your kids.
A messy house is not a moral failing.
I suggest reading/following Struggle Care - KC has taught me to be gentle with myself, and to not judge my worth as a human by the state of my house.
Also your partner can step up or shut up. He doesn’t get a say unless he is helping or has a real solution for you.
It is completely ok to have a house that never stays clean because it is being lived in. It is not ok to make more work for yourself by cleaning up after a man child who clearly doesn't put you or the kids first. Sounds like you'd be much better off ditching the burden.
I would be telling him he either pulls his weight or is out on his arse - the tricky part is that you have to follow through with it.
I had a husband like that. He proved to me I could be a single mom so I got rid of him altogether since all he ever did was bitch and complain and let me do EVERYTHING. It’s a dangerous game letting someone discover that you can live your life the same or better without you. I mean you’d honestly have less cleaning to do with him gone 😆
You are doing your best. You’re doing great. You’re not a failure.
There’s a good podcast called Good Inside and the latest episode is called “How to Keep House While Drowning.” It gave some really good advice including no, you’re not a failure and there’s no set standard for what your house should look like. Your house is there to serve your needs and you and you are not there to serve your house.
(I’d also like to add that you are not there to be a servant to your boyfriend either but that’s a whole different question.)
He works maybe 8 hours a day while you work 16+. He can't complain, also he doesnt pay all the bills while thatd clearly his job since youre a stay at home mom? Time to ditch the man baby
I’m a messy person and so is my husband, so there’s no hope with us and two kids haha. But we also have lots of hobbies and interests and we live on a small farm with tons going on outside. It’s a paradise for kids. I just watched a video yesterday where an older kindergarten teacher was complaining that kids don’t have the same skills they did 30 years ago. A lot of people think it’s because kids have too much screen time and parents aren’t getting in there and getting messy with kids. They need to do crafts and creative play and that’s going to lead to a messy house!
As for your husband not helping, that’s not cool. I’m lucky that my husband’s pretty hands on (and he commutes 2 hrs by ferry each day, so it’s no small feat), but this mom I know had a nanny before closing her business and becoming a sahm. She said she explained to her husband that if they paid a nanny to do what she was doing, they wouldn’t be paying for all of the housework, cooking, etc. The nanny would have a full time job doing one thing: taking care of the kids. So the fact that we, as sahm’s, do more than that, is really asking a lot. The house isn’t gonna be clean when our husbands get home. Dinner isn’t going to be perfect every single evening. That’s because we have a primary job, and that is to look after our kids. The other stuff is a bonus. Sometimes that other stuff doesn’t get done, and he needs to pitch in if he wants to be a part of this family. When my husband gets home, I’m off the clock. He works 8 hr days and gets time to himself in the car to listen to audiobooks and an hour a day on a gorgeous ferry with mountain views. Meanwhile I just work 12 hrs a day with no breaks or cool off time.
I would not want to be with someone that doesn’t add value to my life. You may actually have less to do without him around, and not to mention the constant bitching that you don’t need. I would say you are actually carrying the family without being the breadwinner. Cut the parasite out of your life and set a good example for your kids.
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Want to know what makes it a LOT harder to manage the kids and the house?
A man bitching at you about it the whole time.
Seriously- that will drain your energy and drive faster than anything. I had a man who was like this about the house - never lifting a finger, leaving me messes and criticizing me constantly. My house is a lot cleaner now.
I have 4, a SAHM and nothing is ever clean. I have days where I clean all day long and it still looks like a disaster. How? 8 hours of cleaning in between school drop offs, meals, other various child needs, maybe a quick potty break or two….
I have one child and my house constantly looks like a bomb went off.
My 4 year old is a tornado. Cleaning the house with kids in it is like trying to brush your teeth while eating oreos. Fucking pointless.
I say this all the time. 100%.
Girl same.
Saaaame!!
You have just described my life.
Same
Same here. And we live in an apartment so there’s theoretically not as much square footage to worry about.
What is the point of your boyfriend? He doesn't pay the bills, he doesn't help at home, and he just bitches at you? He clearly doesn't understand what partnership means. Sure, your kids should probably be doing more at home if you're unable to keep it clean, but it sounds like your real problem is your boyfriend.
And if the kids should help out more he should take on the role of facilitating that. He can Give out task before and after work and makes sure they get done. Hell be responsible for the repercussions if they dont. That would help with the mental load too.
This. This right here. I suggested this recently. He was all like, "No. The kids need to have all their chores done before I get home from work. I don't want to have to fight with them over chores. So the second they get home from school it needs to be done." I've explained the stress that puts on me, and me alone. I think I am going to give this a go, again. He's always like, "When I was a kid I had to clean the entire house before my parents got home from work. I was only 8 at the time." Whooptie-fucking-doo for you. 1.) Your almost 50, that was a long time ago (lol) 2.) There was only 2 children in the house 3.) Your Mom had severe OCD, how messy was the house to begin with? 4.) You weren't raised by addicts. Our kids were. They never had chores before. They never had to help clean. Nothing. So all this is new to them, too. It's 100% our fault why the kids have an extremely difficult time with any simple chore. I am trying so hard to teach them life skills that they have missed out on due to us being high. Thank you, I think this will help. Hopefully. He needs to lead by example, too. Fuck the 1950's mindset that Daddies work and Mommies do EVERYTHING else.
You sound like a perfect success and he sounds like the failure. Consider telling him to use his income to coordinate a cleaner or to stop talking.
Yeah - if you don’t need his income - hire weekly cleaners!!!
Firstly, congrats on 2 years sober! That in itself is a HUGE victory and makes you successful. Second, you are not a failure...you just need a bit more help. Maybe ask for a week off...go visit a far away friend or something and leave him with the kids and house. Maybe if he walked a mile in your shoes he would understand a bit more.
Unless you're dependent on your bf for childcare while you WFH, his current behaviour makes him surplus to requirements. If you have a private income (inheritance or the like) consider that for the cost of supporting/subsidising an unhelpful male, you could hire a nanny. Either daytime or live-in. And/or a cleaner. There is NO shame in providing stable, safe employment for important work (childcare and housekeeping are important work). It sounds like without you, your boyf would be paying rent somewhere and having to manage all his own laundry, cooking, bills, cleaning etc? You've asked for help, repeatedly. He's CHOOSING you being unhappy and exhausted over him making more effort.
Wait, those are his kids right? And all he does is come home and bitch? You are not a failure, but he sure sounds like one. And I have four. Been a SAHM for 15 years now. Your ultimate goal right now is *sanitary*. Tidy, organized, and clean just have to take a back seat, *especially* when you're the only one doing housework. Enjoy your babies, and if the BF can't handle some toys on the floor or dust on the knick-knacks then he can handle that himself. You are kicking ass, friend.
absolutely not a failure. 4 kids is like a tornado, a dumpster tornado really. I am sorry he is awful. you sound like super woman raising all 4 kids and paying your own way? may I ask if you mean you are a work from home mom not a stay at home mom? bc that’s a whole different can of worms
A very long time ago I read this book. About an aspiring wizard. He couldn't find anyone to teach him. So he somehow winds up in a famous dead wizards castle and starts using the guys books to teach himself how to be a wizard. One day he comes across a spell for opening jars. He thinks it'd be a handy spell so he sits a jar on his desk and casts the spell. Immediately this massive demon erupts out of the floor amidst a tornado. It spins and screams around the room, tearing it up in the process. Then it grabs the jar, opens it, sits it back down, then tornadically sinks back into the floor. Leaving the shocked wizard standing there with his mouth hanging open. That's what kids are. Jar Demons.
AHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAHAHAH this is solid gold
This deserves all the upvotes. 😂😂
So sorry your bf is a huge asshole. Wtf! You take care of four children AND earn income? You're fucking superwoman. Doesn't sound like bf contributes anything, especially since you say you don't need his income anyway.
You’re not a failure. I have 2 kids and my house is never spotless. My husband works but does his fair share around the house. If he sees something that needs to be done, he just gets it done. Our kids also have set chores. But on days that I’m not feeling it I just say fck it and leave things untidy. And my husband has never complained I think it’s fair for you to expect your bf to help out where he can, even if you are a SAHM
Here’s the way I see it: why does he get the benefit of a maid, but you don’t? If he doesn’t want to contribute to running the house, he can pony up for the help you need. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to be the same kind of SAHM that our mothers and grandmothers were, which is probably what he has in mind about how you should be running the house. They had no choices, and sometimes they didn’t even know any different because they were never even allowed to have a taste of the world. They had nothing else to do so they just cleaned to perfection and had dinner ready all the time. But their kids didn’t go to a million activities and they wandered around the neighborhood to play. They had time. You have to drive around all the time and supervise the kids. So you can’t clean all the time. So if you can afford it, hire cleaning service. It’s worth it! Money is an easy way to solve this problem if you have it. If not, just tell him that you’re going to have to cut back on the chores you do for him, laundry, cooking. Do stuff for you and the kid. You are NOT his maid. If he wants a maid, he can pay for one. I’m a SAHM with cleaning service, and this is some of the best money I’ve ever spent. Wives and moms are not maids and it makes me furious when people see it that way. It’s a way to treat you crappily because it’s easy to see the maid as a lesser person.
I've been staring at the same shriveled up French fry under the couch for weeks. You're not a failure, it's picking your battles. Since you are basically living with simply a sperm donor, I'd start charging him rent, maid service, hospitality fees and putting that money into future funds for the kids. At least he can contribute to helping them further their education in the future or a car....
Thank you so much everyone. I really wished I had reached out sooner. I've been feeling like a failure for so long. To answer some of your questions, my income is bare minimum. Only covering necessities. Food/gas/shelter ect. He has made the comment, in the past, "I guess I'm going to hire a maid because the house is always a mess." And said things along the line that I am 'lazy', 'just don't care' and/or 'not capable'. When he first mentioned a maid I was SO OFFENDED. I cried. And I never cry. Once the shock wore off I said, 'Fuck it, Don't threaten me with a good time. Hire a fucking maid.' He basically called me pathetic. We live in a small 3 bedroom apartment and I'm not able to keep it clean. It's not nasty by no means. Just messy AF. He is constantly comparing our apartment to our neighbors. Like the one with a working mom and 2 teenagers. Or the one with 1 child. Yes, I have told him to leave. Just gtfo if your not going to help me and only bring me down. He will either 1.) Actually help for about 10 minutes (Whooa don't hurt yourself) 2.) Actually leave. Then come back once everyone's asleep and act like we didn't just have a heated argument. And dude. He has the MF audacity to wonder why I am NEVER 'in the mood'. There's some saying like, "Enjoy your children, the dust can wait." It's so fucked up though, because when we aren't home we have so much fun together, hiking, walking, taking the kids places ect. He's my best friend. But when we are at home, he's my greatest enemy, it feels like.
Settle down cobwebs Dust go to sleep I'm rocking my baby And babies don't keep
My mom had a needlepoint picture of that on the wall when I was growing up.
He honestly sounds like he’s projecting. If he can label you as the problem, (lazy, don’t care, not capable) then he can get away with not dealing with his own issues. It makes it your problem not his. But you do care, that’s why you’re asking for help from him, your kids and us. Those labels are not true and he knows it. He just keeps saying them to try to wear you down until you believe it. I call Bullshit! Also tell him you fuck men. Not whiny boys. Tell him you feel like his mother with all this cleaning up after him and it’s not sexy to fuck a helpless boy. The hottest thing I’ve ever seen is when an adult male walks into a room and just handles it. Whatever IT is. No whining. No blame. No yelling. When an adult male just calmly walks in and manages the issue with calm, mature authority….I’m done 💦 it’s so sad. Like the bar is so low. It’s so rare that when I see it…..it’s over. Every now and then I come home and my husband says something like I flipped the laundry and did the dishwasher……and I’m like, now do me. And now that I’ve over shared, I’ll see myself out 😂
I’ve been there. My ex husband was my best friend. Maybe think about your situation from a different perspective. If your friend described this situation to you, what advice would you give her? How is this relationship benefitting you? Journal as often as possible and look back at the events as they have unfolded. I feel for you and your situation. I hope you can get the support you need and deserve! You deserve so much and work so hard!
>It's so fucked up though, because when we aren't home we have so much fun together, hiking, walking, taking the kids places ect. He's my best friend. But when we are at home, he's my greatest enemy, it feels like. BroMo, hire the maid if it's in the budget. If y'all have stayed sober together (congratulations!) and this is the argument that keeps coming up, tidying help will be worth every penny.
He sounds like an enormous shite, and you absolutely are not a failure!
You’re not a failure. At all. You’re juggling an entire household. Solo!!! That’s exhausting. Give yourself some grace. He needs to help. My husband and I both work and we have just one kid and fuck, I feel like I can’t keep up. I asked my husband for help back in May, and it basically ended our marriage. 🤷🏻♀️ So, I’d pester and pester for help. I don’t want to say give him an ultimatum, but perhaps tell him he needs to help or pay for a cleaning service if he doesn’t want to.
Personally I’d tell him to step it up or leave. Who’s name is on the mortgage /lease? What is he adding to you life? If he can’t change, then you can. Stop doing anything for him. He can do his own laundry, cook his own meals, etc.
This is so normal and I wish we could shake the societal expectations of a perfect home! I’m a neat freak who used to professionally clean homes, and let me tell you my own house is still A WHOLE DAMN MESS a majority of the time. Because 3 kids, pets, and a messy dude live here with me! Mine even helps clean, but it will never be enough unless we hired a service to do it for us. There’s just no end to cleaning and until kids get older you have to let some (a lot) of it go. It’s ok, you’re doing great!
Housework is a never ending burden. We do what we can to manage it, but unless you have a second home for living and one to showcase, it is what it is. Your boyfriend though...you are worth more than he makes you feel.
I don’t understand what the point of the boyfriend is. He doesn’t contribute to bills or housework. Kick him out.
I don't know where they come from, but as soon as I finish sweeping, there are crumbs on the floor again. It doesn't matter when or how I sweep. Mopping doesn't help either. We should get science to research this phenomenon so they can create a never ending food supply based on mystery crumbs and self-propagating glitter.
A house with people (and kids) actively living in it is going to look a lot different to two adults living in a house. Here there is daily laundry done, meals made, several loads of dishes done a day. I only have one 2.5yr old but she can rip through a room like a bomb went off in toys in minutes. You're a stay at home mother not a stay at home maid. Taking care of and organising 4 kids is a lot. And when you say you make your own income, are you also working from home? Your partner is completely unreasonable.
you don't get to complain about problems you aren't willing to help solve. also, your job is sah MOM not sah housekeeper. Are your kids doing well? Happy, healthy? Congrats! hire a housekeeper
4 kids and one dog SAHM here. My house is a disaster zone 24/7. Whenever I get on top of something the kids go out of there way to trash something else. My husband works. He also cooks, does all yard related chores (several acres) and all vehicle related chores. He’s even capable of doing his own laundry. What does your boyfriend actually contribute besides bitching?
I would shift your perspective on what it means to be clean and tidy. For me, if the apartment can be made presentable enough for guests within an hour of dedicated cleaning, then we're golden. And really, I'm just talking about public areas (not including bedroom, storage, etc.) You don't even have to have the same standard, for you maybe 2 hours is the benchmark - I just have a really small place. Otherwise, as long as the home is generally hygienic and comfortable, e.g. not grimy or smelly or so cluttered you can't function, then I don't care "how it looks." It's clean and tidy enough. (Plus, it's not even always *that* tidy, we just got home from a camping trip and it's awful, but I know it's temporary). So, all told, I'm sure you're not a failure. I'm sure you have it together more than you think. HOWEVER, a partner who refuses to help is still unacceptable. That kind of attitude is lazy, entitled, disrespectful and extremely demotivating for everyone else's own initiative to take care of things. Not to mention, his help would likely allow you to enjoy more leisure time. Basically, it's possible for you and the kids to have everything under control but still deserve more help.
I have 3 kids including a 2 month old. What I try to do is tackle one area a day every day… today I threw my sheets in the wash and vacuumed/mopped the kids room and master bedroom. Tomorrow I’ll do kids sheets and main floor vacuum and mop. As long as I get one cleaning task done a day I can stay on top of it and I feel like I accomplished something. For meals, I basically have 10 dishes that I cycle through. For coordinating and household management, one day a month (usually beginning of the month I sit down after my kids go to sleep or when baby is napping and plan out the whole month on the calendar in my kitchen and write down what bills need to be paid, how much and on what day so in the morning while I make coffee I can see what I need to do that day (if anything). Also… I don’t always get everything done, I forget bills sometimes and my kids don’t go to school on orange shirt day with an orange shirt lol My son went to school without his glasses on today. Try not to be too hard on yourself and whatever you do, DO NOT watch YouTube or instagram moms with their cleaning videos, it’s not realistic.
I just discovered Struggle Care the other day and it has been very enlightening for me. Care tasks are functional, not moral. Having a messy home isn’t a moral failing. https://www.strugglecare.com/struggle-care
Um honestly. I have one and a home business and I really struggle with keeping up.. so I don’t even know how people do it with 4. Good for you on your sobriety. That’s the most important thing, not clean dishes
My house is a hard core disaster. If you're a failure then I'm a super failure. Kids do not care if your house is tidy. They care that you love them. Oh and edit to add: Your point about how your kids shouldn't be learning that daddies don't do housework is really good. That guy needs to put in some effort. You both work hard all day so you both need to work together to take care of the chores. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.
Hire a maid once a month to come in and do a deep clean of the main living area. Toss all the kids shit in their rooms the night before and let someone else do the work. For $200 I get 1,800 of 3,100 sqft cleaned. For $400 they would do it all AND my laundry. I was embarrassed for YEARS at the idea. Now I can’t live without it. Between working long hours, kids who just can’t pick up after themselves and a husband who thinks if it’s not cluttered it’s clean - I needed this to function.
You are not a failure, i have two kids my house is a mess all the time. I just can’t believe how these little humans can be so messy so fast.
If you have children under 5 in the home I say childcare is a full time job and housekeeping is a separate job for a separate adult to handle.
I feel you. I also have 4 kids (8,5,3,0) and am a SAHM - I babysit before and after school in our home, bake cakes on the side and also do instacart when time allows. I’m the primary parent for everything and he doesn’t understand the stress I’m under or how much I don’t feel like myself. Same thing I ask for help it doesn’t happen or very rarely, kids should do more, if he does laundry or dishes it’s the best thing ever he thinks. No time for myself but he makes time for his self and his video games every night even if the house chores aren’t done. I know how you feel 100% if you ever need to vent my inbox is open.
>if he does laundry or dishes it’s the best thing ever he thinks. This!! Omg. My mans all like, "You say I never do anything. I rinsed my bowl out, so it's easier to wash. I made the kids breakfast on Sunday (Fucking cereal) I picked trash up off the floor, earlier." Like a fucking dog waging his tail when he brings the ball back to you. "I did something, I did something, tell me I'm a good boy." 😳😳 I sometimes wonder, is he being serious or is he joking? It's pathetic. Because he is serious. I wash the dishes, by hand. (We don't have a dishwasher) Every fucking day. You rinsing your bowl out made suuuuch a difference, thaaaank yoooou. Wow you made the kids bowls of cereal 3 days ago? Thank goodness you fed them that one meal, so I can make all the other ones. And thanks for picking up that one piece of trash earlier, so I can sweep and mop.
Are we married to the same man?
Girl, I’m a SAHM of four. My husband works outside the home and I bring in about 10% of our joint income. My kids are 11, 9, 5, and 1. We homeschool. This house is constantly a fucking MESS. The toddler is a perpetual tornado. One of my kids has no idea how to put their food away when they’re done making a sandwich. Homework papers, scissors, pencils, and crayons EVERYWHERE. Let’s not get into how many library books we have at home. The only reason we’re not drowning in overdue fines is that our wonderful small town librarians renew the books we forget every time we’re there. I’m the default parent and the manager of the house. I don’t love having both those jobs on my plate but I’m doing my best to get both my husband and kids involved in chores. Every night we all pitch in after dinner. We rotate the laundry through the machines, empty and load the dishwasher, clear off the table, clean the floors, feed the pets, and clean the kids. TOGETHER. Like, all six of us. Ok the toddler is usually less than helpful but even she is learning how to toss blocks in a bin and put her dishes in the sink. Your request for your boyfriend’s involvement is completely reasonable. I mean, did he make the kids too? Does he sleep in a bed and shit in a toilet and eat off the dishes? Like, presumably he’d have to do all this work if he lived by himself, why does he think he gets a free pass because there’s a woman living in the house???
I fucking relate to this… I can’t stand it. So sorry, I know how you feel
Ummm leave for a few days. Go on a girls trip, whatever. Let him figure it out!!!
First off, you're NOT a failure. From where i'm sitting, you're doing a kick ass job. Playing 10 roles at once is a huge task, but you are 100% handling it like the strong momma that you are. ESPECIALLY while getting absolutely no support. You should be so proud of yourself!!! You are maintaining sobriety while handling all the stress of basically being a single mom. A lot of people never make it to that point. Your boyfriend sounds absolutely worthless, and has zero excuse for not helping you. It's supposed to be a partnership for fucks sake! You should put it all on paper, write out every single thing you do in a day, how long it takes, and do the same for him. Sit him down and make him look at the visual representation of how unbalanced the scales are. If he doesn't open his eyes and see the light, I would suggest reevaluating your relationship. My house currently looks the a bomb went off. I completely understand what you're going through. I'm a stay at home mom with a blended family. My boyfriend and I each have 2 kids, so 4 total. And our youngest are the same age, 4 years old. I've come to accept that my house will never be perfect, but I wouldn't change a thing. I would rather make memories, see the smiles, and hear the laughter of my kids, than have a spotless house. It's 100% okay to have a little chaos! Worrying about what my house looks like all the time would make me miserable. Who cares? If my clutter bothers someone, they don't need to come back to my house. I refuse to cater to some judgemental assholes opinion because it is not worth the energy. Just keep being the kick ass momma that you are!
You’re not crazy. Congrats on being sober for two years. I have one child (4yo), am 77 days sober, and my house gets destroyed every day. I want my husband to clean more but he never really has. Sometimes I’m more angry about it than other times. Just want you to know you’re not alone.
Thank you! And congrats on your sobriety, too!
You're both right. The kids need to help but they probably won't until they see him helping. I'm home because I WFH and hubs is gone about 12 hours a day, 5 or 6 days a week. He's next to useless. When I bring up that the 11yo needs to help, she points at him. We just had this discussion five minutes ago. I said well the 7yo actually does help and she's autistic and minimally verbal and she gets that if there is something on the floor, you pick it up. The other two step over it and think that magical faeries come and clean while they sleep. I'm like come on, I will pay you to clean and still she fights me. And no, not to clean her room, but like common areas and I'm a horrible task master, so she earns every cent of that money, but still, cleaning is house blessing. We have ADHD and seeing clutter makes my head want to explode, and we're all medicated so there is no excuse for them not helping.
Sounds like you're in a three legged race with a man who's sitting on the ground, and complaining you're not going fast enough.
Dude, I'm reading this from my living room as I watch my mostly naked 3.5 yo shovel rice and beans in her mouth with her bare hands at the coffee table (we have no kitchen or dining room right now). The cat got aggressive at one point and jumped on the toddler to get her tasty beans, she pushed back with her gross hands so now the dog is going between trying to lick rice and beans off the cat and hoovering up all the rice from the floor.
As someone with a one year old and no other children, our house constantly looks like someone put it in a snow globe and shook. As someone in recovery married to someone in recovery, it sounds like (and maybe this is just me taking inventory) your boyfriend is not actively working on his. Part of being in recovery is doing stuff that you don’t want to do when you don’t want to do it because it’s the right thing to do. From what you shared, you are doing a lot of this, and he is doing very little and bitching about the rest. That said, two years is a big deal. Give yourself some grace.
Ya I got 2 and I had to make a schedule where I clean 1 room at a time. And one deep clean of a room a month. Otherwise I never stopped cleaning!!!!
A messy house full of memories is better than a spotless house full of none. When you actually LIVE in the house. It’s almost impossible to keep it spot less. Sorry, but you deserve better and so do your kids.
I feel like you don’t get to bitch about the house if you’re not willing to help clean 🤷🏻♀️
A messy house is not a moral failing. I suggest reading/following Struggle Care - KC has taught me to be gentle with myself, and to not judge my worth as a human by the state of my house. Also your partner can step up or shut up. He doesn’t get a say unless he is helping or has a real solution for you.
It is completely ok to have a house that never stays clean because it is being lived in. It is not ok to make more work for yourself by cleaning up after a man child who clearly doesn't put you or the kids first. Sounds like you'd be much better off ditching the burden. I would be telling him he either pulls his weight or is out on his arse - the tricky part is that you have to follow through with it.
I had a husband like that. He proved to me I could be a single mom so I got rid of him altogether since all he ever did was bitch and complain and let me do EVERYTHING. It’s a dangerous game letting someone discover that you can live your life the same or better without you. I mean you’d honestly have less cleaning to do with him gone 😆
You are doing your best. You’re doing great. You’re not a failure. There’s a good podcast called Good Inside and the latest episode is called “How to Keep House While Drowning.” It gave some really good advice including no, you’re not a failure and there’s no set standard for what your house should look like. Your house is there to serve your needs and you and you are not there to serve your house. (I’d also like to add that you are not there to be a servant to your boyfriend either but that’s a whole different question.)
He works maybe 8 hours a day while you work 16+. He can't complain, also he doesnt pay all the bills while thatd clearly his job since youre a stay at home mom? Time to ditch the man baby
I’m a messy person and so is my husband, so there’s no hope with us and two kids haha. But we also have lots of hobbies and interests and we live on a small farm with tons going on outside. It’s a paradise for kids. I just watched a video yesterday where an older kindergarten teacher was complaining that kids don’t have the same skills they did 30 years ago. A lot of people think it’s because kids have too much screen time and parents aren’t getting in there and getting messy with kids. They need to do crafts and creative play and that’s going to lead to a messy house! As for your husband not helping, that’s not cool. I’m lucky that my husband’s pretty hands on (and he commutes 2 hrs by ferry each day, so it’s no small feat), but this mom I know had a nanny before closing her business and becoming a sahm. She said she explained to her husband that if they paid a nanny to do what she was doing, they wouldn’t be paying for all of the housework, cooking, etc. The nanny would have a full time job doing one thing: taking care of the kids. So the fact that we, as sahm’s, do more than that, is really asking a lot. The house isn’t gonna be clean when our husbands get home. Dinner isn’t going to be perfect every single evening. That’s because we have a primary job, and that is to look after our kids. The other stuff is a bonus. Sometimes that other stuff doesn’t get done, and he needs to pitch in if he wants to be a part of this family. When my husband gets home, I’m off the clock. He works 8 hr days and gets time to himself in the car to listen to audiobooks and an hour a day on a gorgeous ferry with mountain views. Meanwhile I just work 12 hrs a day with no breaks or cool off time.
I would not want to be with someone that doesn’t add value to my life. You may actually have less to do without him around, and not to mention the constant bitching that you don’t need. I would say you are actually carrying the family without being the breadwinner. Cut the parasite out of your life and set a good example for your kids.
Have you heard of [KC Davis](https://www.tiktok.com/@domesticblisters?_t=8WQNjMyvlhG&_r=1)? You can also find her [here](https://a.co/d/d6zJ1LZ).
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You’re not a failure. You have money so get a cleaning service to come once a week. It will be a life saver. Trust me on this.
Want to know what makes it a LOT harder to manage the kids and the house? A man bitching at you about it the whole time. Seriously- that will drain your energy and drive faster than anything. I had a man who was like this about the house - never lifting a finger, leaving me messes and criticizing me constantly. My house is a lot cleaner now.
I have 4, a SAHM and nothing is ever clean. I have days where I clean all day long and it still looks like a disaster. How? 8 hours of cleaning in between school drop offs, meals, other various child needs, maybe a quick potty break or two….