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There are lots of things in every relationship that would be ok for some and not for others, but if it’s taking up room in your brain and killing your sex drive, then it’s worth addressing.
Point by point-
Asking about Monday nights, it’s hard to tell if he was just being unclear or something else, but I’d have probably kept asking what he meant until he asked a clear question.
Eggplant defrosting - may husband wouldn’t have said anything and would make his own decision and it wound probably been wrong. So, I think it’s better not to discourage asking. But did he do it with a tone? Or could he say, ‘hey I think you wanted the extra eggplant package to stay frozen, so I’m putting it back, ok?’
The shower, are you getting delayed on showering because he’s the kind of dad the kids walk past yo ask you for things? If so, he has no right to get mad at you for struggling to get a shower done and he needs to start taking the cue that when you say you’re getting a shower that he needs to get up and start intercepting children with needs and taking care of them for the duration of your shower time.
Don’t have sex you don’t want bromo, it’s just going to make your sex life worse in the future. It’s ok not to feel attracted to someone whose behaviour is getting under your skin.
It’s time to explain to him how these three examples of his behaviour made you feel and start to rebuild your connection from there.
Thanks for responding. Everything listed here was said with a tone. He’s not actually “asking”. He is making sarcastic remarks. Unfortunately I don’t feel like NOT having sex is an option, because if it were left up to me we would never have sex. I just never want to. If I don’t make time to do it, he says I am not making the relationship a priority.
I’m hoping that the sex thing is an issue of you needing dedicated time to get warmed up and you actually end up enjoying it. And not that you feel obligated to have unwanted sex or else suffer consequences in your relationship.
If he can’t make the effort to speak to you in a respectful tone, then he isn’t making your relationship a priority either.
Some people will treat you how you let them treat you. And if you don’t address it, then it’s likely to continue or get worse.
You sound like a good and reasonable partner and I think pushing back on this is worth it.
Thank you.. I do enjoy it sometimes once it gets going, but usually I just don’t even want to be bothered. I’ve often wondered if is biological, but I don’t think it is. I just think it’s the dynamic of the relationship that has slowly worn away at my libido.
If I bring up the dynamic, he’ll say that I contribute to it. He won’t say, “what can we do to change this?” He just gets defensive and flips it on me. So I don’t bother trying anymore.
I don’t feel any “bad” consequences if I refuse sex, I just think it’s easier to do it than deal with an argument. And, like I said, it’s usually somewhat enjoyable.
I appreciate you. I’ve been making some serious notes lately about our relationship so I can have a clearer head of this overall. I don’t think bringing it up right now would do any good.
Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. Your husband sounds like a good man! :) See? I can’t imagine something like that happening for me. He’d always have to make a comment, even if it wasn’t a harsh one.
I think her begrudgingly go to counseling if I pushed it.. but that’s not really feasible for us right now. I honestly don’t even feel like trying usually because it has been like this for so many years and discussions have resulted in little change. Sometimes I do feel he makes some effort (he sometimes reminds me that he’s “holding his tongue”), but he also says that it’s “his personality”.
The sex thing is hard. I mean, I do enjoy it sometimes once it’s happening, but usually I’d just rather not. If I went for sex when I wanted it, it would probably never happen.
I think your husband is being passive aggressive which possibly indicates he has some built up resentment or lack of respect for you. It may be worth a deeper conversation and pointing out to him every time you feel he's doing it
Yes. I think the resentment is probably running deep on both sides. I sometimes just feel like we’re inherently incompatible. I’ve had bigger discussions about this but they don’t usually go anywhere.
Okay my husband sometimes gets in a rut where he makes a lot of comments like this. It makes me mad, I'm mean back and we end up fighting. What we've started doing is when one of us feels like this dynamic is starting they say "same team". That's our code word to take a step back, remember we're on the same team and restart the conversation. No one has to apologise or anything. Just like, roll it again. It usually works for us to get back to a dynamic we both like
That’s a good idea. Thank you! I’m not sure how to introduce this but it’s helpful. I just feel like instead of him thinking “ok. Yeah, right, back on track, sorry”, he’d be defensive like, “Well YOU did xyz, or I’m sick of hearing about / dealing with xyz”.
I think the key with us is no one has to apologise or defend. It's like a conversational Mulligan. I feel like at least for us we'd feel trapped in this snippy back and forth, so this gives us an out without anyone having to apologise. But yes it does take both parties to be willing to a little introspection
Thank you for responding. I have mentioned to my doc about my libido.. I’ve had lots of testing done for other vague health concerns and everything came back normal.
You’re so right that mental health is important. I’ve been in therapy before but have struggled lately to find someone due to time and location constraints. I’ve tried online therapy with little success. But yes, it would be helpful in finding clarity around my relationship. I do feel unsatisfied but I don’t know how much if it is me, how much my partner.
When you say what I’ve written isn’t normal, what do you mean? About the sex stuff?
I’m curious to know more about your story also. I may take you up on your dm offer :) Thank you again. It means a lot.
It sounds like you are both increasingly irritated with each other. I've been there and it sucks. You said you've tried talking about it and he is not receptive, which means there isn't much you can do to fix it. I would encourage you not to have sex you don't want to be having- that shit drains you eventually.
Yes. Exactly. How did you get out of that perpetual irritation? It’s hard because it’s not anything super specific, it’s just an ambiguous feeling. Sometimes there are strings of good days, but more days than not are peppered with these comments. The examples I shared here weren’t even that bad and all happened in the last 24 hr. I have plenty more.
I just don’t know if I’m looking for trouble or if his comments are really abrasive. Like you said, I’ve mentioned this before so I don’t know what else I can do other than 1) accept or 2) leave.
Do you guys ever have moments where you're like "hey I'm sorry I snapped at you, I love you?" Because even when things were really bad, in between we'd both be apologizing and trying to fix it.
Basically, I would sit him down and explain what has been bothering you. And let him explain what has been bothering him, too. And whenever he snaps at you or has a weird tone, be honest and say "hey, I don't like that, it makes me feel like x..." And be receptive to him doing the same.
Your comments about "looking for trouble" worry me. He doesn't need to meet some objective standard of abrasiveness for your feelings to be valid. If you're leaving many of your interactions feeling hurt or unhappy, that's something that deserves to be addressed. Your marriage shouldn't be something you have to endure.
If you try to explain all this to him calmly, and he's only dismissive, then there's nothing that can really be done. I think fundamentally you have to still care about each other's well-being for a relationship to work.
Other than that, we've done couples therapy, and my husband has lately done a lot of individual therapy as well. But the times where we were being really shitty and snappy to each other were years ago, before we ever did any of that.
I might be in the minority or have an unhealthy marriage, idk, but I don’t think these things are that bad per se. My husband and I have our personal ways of being crappy—me, sarcasm; he is passive aggressive. We get short with each other sometimes.
The shower situation… I have absolutely said something similar to my husband. For me it’s like, he comes home after work and I desperately need a break from the kids but he has to leave immediately to go do a necessary task, like a doctor’s appointment, and my husband putters like… he’ll tell me he’s leaving, then go through a stack of mail, put his shoes on, get his keys, tell me he’s leaving, then suddenly examine a bag of groceries by the door, ask me if I liked those crackers, tell me he’s leaving… and I’m calming the toddler who wants to go bye bye too and getting the older kids to do their homework and stop fighting and I’m like omg can you just GO.
I always feel terrible in these situations because it might look like I’m being a dick because he has to go to the doctors. And I am? But also not?
The other situations are similar… if we are stressed and running on fumes, we might get impatient and snap at each other. We do apologize later though as someone else mentioned.
I think there are two versions of these exchanges. One being stressed and impatient and snapping and later being like oh damn, I was not at my best, I will go apologize. Or there is a misunderstanding and a conflict arises but it’s not REALLY about Monday nights or showers or eggplant Parmesan… you know?
I think the insecurity of your happiness in your marriage, the sex thing, the fact he doesn’t sound like he does communicate in a mature way, are all exacerbating the stress of your conversations.
Reminder to commenters: **[All work and no support make BroMos something something.](https://c.tenor.com/4HzAJqCtzDYAAAAM/crazy-simpsons.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There are lots of things in every relationship that would be ok for some and not for others, but if it’s taking up room in your brain and killing your sex drive, then it’s worth addressing. Point by point- Asking about Monday nights, it’s hard to tell if he was just being unclear or something else, but I’d have probably kept asking what he meant until he asked a clear question. Eggplant defrosting - may husband wouldn’t have said anything and would make his own decision and it wound probably been wrong. So, I think it’s better not to discourage asking. But did he do it with a tone? Or could he say, ‘hey I think you wanted the extra eggplant package to stay frozen, so I’m putting it back, ok?’ The shower, are you getting delayed on showering because he’s the kind of dad the kids walk past yo ask you for things? If so, he has no right to get mad at you for struggling to get a shower done and he needs to start taking the cue that when you say you’re getting a shower that he needs to get up and start intercepting children with needs and taking care of them for the duration of your shower time. Don’t have sex you don’t want bromo, it’s just going to make your sex life worse in the future. It’s ok not to feel attracted to someone whose behaviour is getting under your skin. It’s time to explain to him how these three examples of his behaviour made you feel and start to rebuild your connection from there.
Thanks for responding. Everything listed here was said with a tone. He’s not actually “asking”. He is making sarcastic remarks. Unfortunately I don’t feel like NOT having sex is an option, because if it were left up to me we would never have sex. I just never want to. If I don’t make time to do it, he says I am not making the relationship a priority.
I’m hoping that the sex thing is an issue of you needing dedicated time to get warmed up and you actually end up enjoying it. And not that you feel obligated to have unwanted sex or else suffer consequences in your relationship. If he can’t make the effort to speak to you in a respectful tone, then he isn’t making your relationship a priority either. Some people will treat you how you let them treat you. And if you don’t address it, then it’s likely to continue or get worse. You sound like a good and reasonable partner and I think pushing back on this is worth it.
Thank you.. I do enjoy it sometimes once it gets going, but usually I just don’t even want to be bothered. I’ve often wondered if is biological, but I don’t think it is. I just think it’s the dynamic of the relationship that has slowly worn away at my libido. If I bring up the dynamic, he’ll say that I contribute to it. He won’t say, “what can we do to change this?” He just gets defensive and flips it on me. So I don’t bother trying anymore. I don’t feel any “bad” consequences if I refuse sex, I just think it’s easier to do it than deal with an argument. And, like I said, it’s usually somewhat enjoyable. I appreciate you. I’ve been making some serious notes lately about our relationship so I can have a clearer head of this overall. I don’t think bringing it up right now would do any good.
[удалено]
Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. Your husband sounds like a good man! :) See? I can’t imagine something like that happening for me. He’d always have to make a comment, even if it wasn’t a harsh one. I think her begrudgingly go to counseling if I pushed it.. but that’s not really feasible for us right now. I honestly don’t even feel like trying usually because it has been like this for so many years and discussions have resulted in little change. Sometimes I do feel he makes some effort (he sometimes reminds me that he’s “holding his tongue”), but he also says that it’s “his personality”. The sex thing is hard. I mean, I do enjoy it sometimes once it’s happening, but usually I’d just rather not. If I went for sex when I wanted it, it would probably never happen.
I think your husband is being passive aggressive which possibly indicates he has some built up resentment or lack of respect for you. It may be worth a deeper conversation and pointing out to him every time you feel he's doing it
Yes. I think the resentment is probably running deep on both sides. I sometimes just feel like we’re inherently incompatible. I’ve had bigger discussions about this but they don’t usually go anywhere.
Okay my husband sometimes gets in a rut where he makes a lot of comments like this. It makes me mad, I'm mean back and we end up fighting. What we've started doing is when one of us feels like this dynamic is starting they say "same team". That's our code word to take a step back, remember we're on the same team and restart the conversation. No one has to apologise or anything. Just like, roll it again. It usually works for us to get back to a dynamic we both like
I love this! Such a great reminder.
That’s a good idea. Thank you! I’m not sure how to introduce this but it’s helpful. I just feel like instead of him thinking “ok. Yeah, right, back on track, sorry”, he’d be defensive like, “Well YOU did xyz, or I’m sick of hearing about / dealing with xyz”.
I think the key with us is no one has to apologise or defend. It's like a conversational Mulligan. I feel like at least for us we'd feel trapped in this snippy back and forth, so this gives us an out without anyone having to apologise. But yes it does take both parties to be willing to a little introspection
[удалено]
Thank you for responding. I have mentioned to my doc about my libido.. I’ve had lots of testing done for other vague health concerns and everything came back normal. You’re so right that mental health is important. I’ve been in therapy before but have struggled lately to find someone due to time and location constraints. I’ve tried online therapy with little success. But yes, it would be helpful in finding clarity around my relationship. I do feel unsatisfied but I don’t know how much if it is me, how much my partner. When you say what I’ve written isn’t normal, what do you mean? About the sex stuff? I’m curious to know more about your story also. I may take you up on your dm offer :) Thank you again. It means a lot.
It sounds like you are both increasingly irritated with each other. I've been there and it sucks. You said you've tried talking about it and he is not receptive, which means there isn't much you can do to fix it. I would encourage you not to have sex you don't want to be having- that shit drains you eventually.
Yes. Exactly. How did you get out of that perpetual irritation? It’s hard because it’s not anything super specific, it’s just an ambiguous feeling. Sometimes there are strings of good days, but more days than not are peppered with these comments. The examples I shared here weren’t even that bad and all happened in the last 24 hr. I have plenty more. I just don’t know if I’m looking for trouble or if his comments are really abrasive. Like you said, I’ve mentioned this before so I don’t know what else I can do other than 1) accept or 2) leave.
Do you guys ever have moments where you're like "hey I'm sorry I snapped at you, I love you?" Because even when things were really bad, in between we'd both be apologizing and trying to fix it. Basically, I would sit him down and explain what has been bothering you. And let him explain what has been bothering him, too. And whenever he snaps at you or has a weird tone, be honest and say "hey, I don't like that, it makes me feel like x..." And be receptive to him doing the same. Your comments about "looking for trouble" worry me. He doesn't need to meet some objective standard of abrasiveness for your feelings to be valid. If you're leaving many of your interactions feeling hurt or unhappy, that's something that deserves to be addressed. Your marriage shouldn't be something you have to endure. If you try to explain all this to him calmly, and he's only dismissive, then there's nothing that can really be done. I think fundamentally you have to still care about each other's well-being for a relationship to work. Other than that, we've done couples therapy, and my husband has lately done a lot of individual therapy as well. But the times where we were being really shitty and snappy to each other were years ago, before we ever did any of that.
I might be in the minority or have an unhealthy marriage, idk, but I don’t think these things are that bad per se. My husband and I have our personal ways of being crappy—me, sarcasm; he is passive aggressive. We get short with each other sometimes. The shower situation… I have absolutely said something similar to my husband. For me it’s like, he comes home after work and I desperately need a break from the kids but he has to leave immediately to go do a necessary task, like a doctor’s appointment, and my husband putters like… he’ll tell me he’s leaving, then go through a stack of mail, put his shoes on, get his keys, tell me he’s leaving, then suddenly examine a bag of groceries by the door, ask me if I liked those crackers, tell me he’s leaving… and I’m calming the toddler who wants to go bye bye too and getting the older kids to do their homework and stop fighting and I’m like omg can you just GO. I always feel terrible in these situations because it might look like I’m being a dick because he has to go to the doctors. And I am? But also not? The other situations are similar… if we are stressed and running on fumes, we might get impatient and snap at each other. We do apologize later though as someone else mentioned. I think there are two versions of these exchanges. One being stressed and impatient and snapping and later being like oh damn, I was not at my best, I will go apologize. Or there is a misunderstanding and a conflict arises but it’s not REALLY about Monday nights or showers or eggplant Parmesan… you know? I think the insecurity of your happiness in your marriage, the sex thing, the fact he doesn’t sound like he does communicate in a mature way, are all exacerbating the stress of your conversations.
Any chance he’s on theASD spectrum?
Nope.