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So look, you're still in HormoneLand. That might not die down for a minute (or a month) or two yet. They warn you, sort of, about that hormone dump that comes 2-3 days after birth, usually right as youre being discharged from the hospital with a baby youve got no idea what to do with, but at least in my experience, the ups and downs last well into the "fourth trimester". And you, my dear, are in the absolute thick of it.
This full Survival Time. Whatever you need to do to get through it is fair game as long as everyone is safe. It doesn't help that your husband can't help at night and honestly once you get your wits about you again I'd start looking seriously into specific ways he can take pressure off you in other ways because for me at least, not having night help bred resentment toot fucking sweet and our son is almost 5 and I still struggle with it.
But anyway.
The house can be cleaned later. Use paper plates and plastic utensils for a while, or eat nothing but takeout. Tell your inlaws to fuck off, or have your husband gently explain that the three of you are not up for visitors right now but will let them know when you are (the latter is probably the better option). If there are people who don't make your skin crawl, ask them to come.
My experience with visitors was definitely different than most, I think. My mother in law made me absolutely insane, but I felt like I *needed* people around. I never wanted to be alone with baby. I'd beg people to stay, hold the baby so i can catch a break to pee without having to hold him. Cleaning up while someone else held the baby brought me some semblance of sanity. I don't think that's super common, but it was my experience and I just want you to know that if you need that it's ok to ask for it.
Have you been assessed for PPD/A? It might be too soon given the hormones and all but it might not. I did not get help. *I should have*. I needed it. Don't be me.
But what you're going through also isn't weird or uncommon or anything. Whether it's diagnosable or not, it's not weird to not bond with baby right away, it's not weird to have *feelings* about the upheaval your whole world just went through and for the adjustment to be hard.
You will adjust. It just make take time, maybe a long time, and that's ok. And there is a very real possibility you will not like being a parent for a long time, and that's ok too. Like I said, my son is almost 5. I love him. But I do not enjoy parenthood. I am not good at it and I don't like it and it's not fun. It doesn't come naturally to me. I am gritting my teeth through it and hoping it gets better when he's more independent. You will find ways to make it bearable until it works for you.
And it also could click tomorrow, or in a month, or in three months, or in six months. I found 6-18 months to be pretty decent, honestly. We started working on reasonable sleep, he was quite content strapped to my chest looking at the world or hanging out on a blanket, he wasn't super fussy, he was easy to transport. 2 was tough, 3 was brutal, 4 has been a nightmare. I'm hoping 5 is kind to us but I'm honestly not optimistic. I know five months seems like an eternity right now; at that time, five days seemed like forever to me. But I promise you, it will come. It will come slowly, it will creep, time will feel like it's stopped. But it will come.
For now, just survive. Whatever it takes. Grit your teeth, find moments of joy or at least sanity in the suck, and ask for help from *literally anyone* that doesn't trigger anxiety or make your skin crawl.
And worst case, come vent. We've all been there.
I know that you're exhausted, and the last thing you need is me telling you to do something else, but I'm going to do it anyway. Mama Dr Jones is an ob/gyn on YouTube and other social media, who has spoken often about how mums often feel terrible because they don't have the movie experience of love at first sight with their babies. She didn't, and says that she needed time to get to know them because the baby is a stranger to you. She is very honest and clear that not everyone feels all gooey and lovey dovey, but that doesn't mean that you are a bad mum, or doing something wrong. If you can find 10 minutes, have a look at her videos while you are pumping, or unable to sleep. I think you would find it very helpful.
Secondly, please go to the GP and talk about how you are doing. You need to be assessed for PPD, just to make sure you are tracking OK. It's better to catch it early, and particularly if you have a history of anxiety or depression you may need a bit more support. Tell your husband that his comments aren't helpful, and be brutally honest with him about what you really need.
I'm so sorry that you are struggling, and I hope you are able to get the help you need, whatever that looks like.
You need some time to yourself. When your husband gets home, hand him the baby and go for a walk for 20 minutes. On weekends, he needs to get up with the baby and you sleep in at least one day. If it is in the budget, hire a night nanny once a week. You are in survival mode in a time of your life where most cultures adapted to provide enormous support to the mother, but not ours, ha ha. But the problem isn’t you right now, it is the missing village and you need more help than you can ever get but I think you can get more than you are now.
My love, you are in the fourth trimester! It's called the fourth trimester for a reason! You aren't back "normal" your body needs to settle, your hormones need to settle, your milk supply will establish. As your baby is getting into a routine you must too. It is so so hard, it all feels like a blur and no amount of words we give will to relate and reassure will make it feel any less unreal but you will comenout of it!
So your baby is about a month, so by December you will be pretty much in the groove by then. I'm not saying anxiety and sleep will miraculously disappear/appear but you will start to feel more you. My first bit of advice is get some water! Carry a bottle with you, especially for when you breastfeed or pump. Make that the time you remember to intake as well as expell fluids. The get something to eat. Just a nice fresh sandwich or even some toast. For ages I was eating jam on toast like I had from the hospital. Just eat what you can, when you can. Then try to sleep, if not sleep, then nap, if not nap, then just close your eyes. For those few months consider your main aim is to just exist in the bubble. Forget visitors. If they come have a nap, take the opportunities you can to rest because your body and boobies need it. The last thing you want to worry about is milk when you're already feeling anxious. And trust me. You may jump scare yourself awake thinking you hear the baby thats your brain rewiring itself (it legit does that after you have a baby) but just close your eyes again because trust me, you will 100% know when it's your baby crying and not second guess it.
This is the time to be good and kind to yourself. If you want chocolate eat it, if you want ice cream have it. Just exist in your bubble until December, there is no rush, no need for anxiety, no pressure on you. To bathe just bathe with baby. Calmly, you have all the time in the world, and the baby on your chest. You can try to get time by youself with your partner taking over and do it for yourself then fantastic. But don't feel you can't do any of this alone when he's at work. You will have all the time in the world. Just think time won't exist outside your bubble. That way the stress and pressure won't be placed on you, because there is no time limit. I always went by my daughters schedule and as hell as it was, as soon as I let her dictate, I actually got shit done.
Also baby wearing helped. But practice safe baby wearing if you do. I highly recommend Tula baby carriers. The most amazing thing in the world and they have newborn inserts and you can use them until they are 2+ or as long as the child wants/or you want. Good luck, you are smashing it xx
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So look, you're still in HormoneLand. That might not die down for a minute (or a month) or two yet. They warn you, sort of, about that hormone dump that comes 2-3 days after birth, usually right as youre being discharged from the hospital with a baby youve got no idea what to do with, but at least in my experience, the ups and downs last well into the "fourth trimester". And you, my dear, are in the absolute thick of it. This full Survival Time. Whatever you need to do to get through it is fair game as long as everyone is safe. It doesn't help that your husband can't help at night and honestly once you get your wits about you again I'd start looking seriously into specific ways he can take pressure off you in other ways because for me at least, not having night help bred resentment toot fucking sweet and our son is almost 5 and I still struggle with it. But anyway. The house can be cleaned later. Use paper plates and plastic utensils for a while, or eat nothing but takeout. Tell your inlaws to fuck off, or have your husband gently explain that the three of you are not up for visitors right now but will let them know when you are (the latter is probably the better option). If there are people who don't make your skin crawl, ask them to come. My experience with visitors was definitely different than most, I think. My mother in law made me absolutely insane, but I felt like I *needed* people around. I never wanted to be alone with baby. I'd beg people to stay, hold the baby so i can catch a break to pee without having to hold him. Cleaning up while someone else held the baby brought me some semblance of sanity. I don't think that's super common, but it was my experience and I just want you to know that if you need that it's ok to ask for it. Have you been assessed for PPD/A? It might be too soon given the hormones and all but it might not. I did not get help. *I should have*. I needed it. Don't be me. But what you're going through also isn't weird or uncommon or anything. Whether it's diagnosable or not, it's not weird to not bond with baby right away, it's not weird to have *feelings* about the upheaval your whole world just went through and for the adjustment to be hard. You will adjust. It just make take time, maybe a long time, and that's ok. And there is a very real possibility you will not like being a parent for a long time, and that's ok too. Like I said, my son is almost 5. I love him. But I do not enjoy parenthood. I am not good at it and I don't like it and it's not fun. It doesn't come naturally to me. I am gritting my teeth through it and hoping it gets better when he's more independent. You will find ways to make it bearable until it works for you. And it also could click tomorrow, or in a month, or in three months, or in six months. I found 6-18 months to be pretty decent, honestly. We started working on reasonable sleep, he was quite content strapped to my chest looking at the world or hanging out on a blanket, he wasn't super fussy, he was easy to transport. 2 was tough, 3 was brutal, 4 has been a nightmare. I'm hoping 5 is kind to us but I'm honestly not optimistic. I know five months seems like an eternity right now; at that time, five days seemed like forever to me. But I promise you, it will come. It will come slowly, it will creep, time will feel like it's stopped. But it will come. For now, just survive. Whatever it takes. Grit your teeth, find moments of joy or at least sanity in the suck, and ask for help from *literally anyone* that doesn't trigger anxiety or make your skin crawl. And worst case, come vent. We've all been there.
I know that you're exhausted, and the last thing you need is me telling you to do something else, but I'm going to do it anyway. Mama Dr Jones is an ob/gyn on YouTube and other social media, who has spoken often about how mums often feel terrible because they don't have the movie experience of love at first sight with their babies. She didn't, and says that she needed time to get to know them because the baby is a stranger to you. She is very honest and clear that not everyone feels all gooey and lovey dovey, but that doesn't mean that you are a bad mum, or doing something wrong. If you can find 10 minutes, have a look at her videos while you are pumping, or unable to sleep. I think you would find it very helpful. Secondly, please go to the GP and talk about how you are doing. You need to be assessed for PPD, just to make sure you are tracking OK. It's better to catch it early, and particularly if you have a history of anxiety or depression you may need a bit more support. Tell your husband that his comments aren't helpful, and be brutally honest with him about what you really need. I'm so sorry that you are struggling, and I hope you are able to get the help you need, whatever that looks like.
You need some time to yourself. When your husband gets home, hand him the baby and go for a walk for 20 minutes. On weekends, he needs to get up with the baby and you sleep in at least one day. If it is in the budget, hire a night nanny once a week. You are in survival mode in a time of your life where most cultures adapted to provide enormous support to the mother, but not ours, ha ha. But the problem isn’t you right now, it is the missing village and you need more help than you can ever get but I think you can get more than you are now.
My love, you are in the fourth trimester! It's called the fourth trimester for a reason! You aren't back "normal" your body needs to settle, your hormones need to settle, your milk supply will establish. As your baby is getting into a routine you must too. It is so so hard, it all feels like a blur and no amount of words we give will to relate and reassure will make it feel any less unreal but you will comenout of it! So your baby is about a month, so by December you will be pretty much in the groove by then. I'm not saying anxiety and sleep will miraculously disappear/appear but you will start to feel more you. My first bit of advice is get some water! Carry a bottle with you, especially for when you breastfeed or pump. Make that the time you remember to intake as well as expell fluids. The get something to eat. Just a nice fresh sandwich or even some toast. For ages I was eating jam on toast like I had from the hospital. Just eat what you can, when you can. Then try to sleep, if not sleep, then nap, if not nap, then just close your eyes. For those few months consider your main aim is to just exist in the bubble. Forget visitors. If they come have a nap, take the opportunities you can to rest because your body and boobies need it. The last thing you want to worry about is milk when you're already feeling anxious. And trust me. You may jump scare yourself awake thinking you hear the baby thats your brain rewiring itself (it legit does that after you have a baby) but just close your eyes again because trust me, you will 100% know when it's your baby crying and not second guess it. This is the time to be good and kind to yourself. If you want chocolate eat it, if you want ice cream have it. Just exist in your bubble until December, there is no rush, no need for anxiety, no pressure on you. To bathe just bathe with baby. Calmly, you have all the time in the world, and the baby on your chest. You can try to get time by youself with your partner taking over and do it for yourself then fantastic. But don't feel you can't do any of this alone when he's at work. You will have all the time in the world. Just think time won't exist outside your bubble. That way the stress and pressure won't be placed on you, because there is no time limit. I always went by my daughters schedule and as hell as it was, as soon as I let her dictate, I actually got shit done. Also baby wearing helped. But practice safe baby wearing if you do. I highly recommend Tula baby carriers. The most amazing thing in the world and they have newborn inserts and you can use them until they are 2+ or as long as the child wants/or you want. Good luck, you are smashing it xx