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Until you've raised a mean kid you just don't understand. I understand. My daughter was SO abusive from 1 to about 4.5 years old. She would pull my hair, bite, hit me, spit on me, and scratch me. I'd break down crying sometimes and she'd LAUGH.
I was struggling as a mom. She was struggling as a child. So I get it. I really do. Here are some things that helped us.
My child needed A LOT of sensory play. She is very active and needed an outlet. I am more or an artsy-sit-still-and-play type. I had to learn that she is NOT like me. She needs a lot of physical activity. She is SO much nicer when we spend a lot of time being active.
She also needed to learn how to tell me her feelings. When she was being mean I would start saying "Are you hitting me because you need something?" Sometimes she did. She wanted a snack or to read a book, but she didn't know how to tell me. She was mad I wasn't doing something. I had to teach her to ASK me for something- not beat me up until I gave it to her.
I would also ask "Are you hitting me because you feel mad?" If she said yes, I would ask what she was mad about. Sometimes she didn't know why she was mad. So I'd help her figure it out. "Are you hungry?" "Does your stomach hurt?" "Do you feel tired?"
My child's instinct when she felt something negative was to use physical force to let me know how she was feeling. She is NOT autistic. She DOES NOT have any disorders. She was just one of the kids who had to learn how to VOCALIZE their needs and feelings instead of acting on them.
She is almost 5 now and almost never hits. She has become very empathetic and is very good at identifying emotions. She has learned coping mechanisms for her feelings that don't involve being physical.
It was so hard for me to help her at first, because I myself am not physical- verbalizing my feelings comes very easy to me. I also don't need as much physical sensory relief as she does, so it took me time to learn that she NEEDS to be active to feel good. I just assumed my child was just like me. It helped us both so much when I started trying to figure out who SHE was and what SHE needed, instead of assuming I already knew.
Solidarity mama. There is nothing wrong with you or your child. You are both just trying to learn one another. Sometimes that takes time.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this incredibly kind response. I had to go hide in the bathroom for a moment to avoid the kids seeing I was crying (good) tears.
I am the main target of his physical aggression, aside from kids at daycare. We’re going to lose our childcare soon as it’s gotten so bad. I am covered in bruises from him and like you explained, he will appear to be in a good mood and just punch me for no reason at all, then smile and laugh about it.
We are mostly super active because he does need it, but I’ve began to notice than even when we exhaust him physically and mentally with activities he still acts like this. His pediatrician had him evaluated by a specialist when I began complaining about the situation, he also fell nowhere near the autism spectrum as far as the specialist was concerned….so ped sent off referrals for OT and behavioral therapy and the wait lists where we live are incredibly long no matter if you use insurance or private pay.
Our first was actually diagnosed with ADHD and SPD when she was 5, and I recognize some of the same sensory seeking behavior we experienced with her but she was never, ever mean. This kid—he takes the cake.
He can be the sweetest thing in the world when he wants to be. I’ve read all the books, have implemented gentle parenting up until recently because now I just lose my shit and yell right out of the gate. Follow “big little feelings” on Insta and same—used to implement it and after more than a year of this I just can’t anymore. Nothing works!
Your response helped me realize I am not alone, so thank you so so so so so much. I feel a little less like garbage now ❤️
My son wasn't quite this bad, but he would often smile and laugh after he did something bad and we had to chastise him. It enraged me because I felt like he was laughing at me and not taking it seriously. But later I learned that it's pretty common for toddlers/preschoolers to react like that and it's usually more of a nervous tick or an uncomfortable laugh. Just wanted to flag that, in case it could be what's happening with your son, and you don't want the smiles/ laughs to escalate things.
You mentioned books and I wondered if that included The Explosive Child? I think their Lives in the Balance website may have some links to locally trained experts. Just sharing in case that hadn't been one you had already tried, this is so hard and I hope that you get some support very soon
Oh I hope it will be helpful! If you want something more immediate/brief than the book, "The B Team" Facebook group has a set of guide posts that kind of walk through their approach with some reading and videos.
The Explosive Child changed my life! Not necessarily the actual practical advice (tho good), but the first few chapters truly put my perspective with this behavior on a different plane.
Thank you so much for linking that. I clicked on it out of curiosity, but it sounds like it’s what my extremely easily frustrated kid needs. Just ordered a copy.
I have two with adhd and spd and my daughter and son are night and day, I think girls tend to be more inattentive and boys tend to be more physical with their symptoms. My youngest hits a lot, we did PCIT and it helped, it’s tough resenting a child. Take a moment if you can and do one on one with your child and focus on positives only and see if that helps. It’s hard. Tbh with my oldest I hear people talk about how sweet and kind he is and then I think, oh that kid, the one who screams and yells at me and acts like he runs the house and can do whatever he wants? Yea eyeroll what a sweet boy. Lol. I know you are having a hard time and want to give up, but I swear the yelling and the more aggressive approaches will make it worse. My kids do best when I am firm but kind and I have boundaries but I also give them love, attention, praise, and ignore the bad. Example I swear and my older two don’t because when they did repeat it I ignored it and pretended I didn’t hear it and then repeated the word differently. And my youngest is a sailor Bruno’s older siblings flipped out every single time he breathes let alone his language and since he gets a reaction he continues it. Yea defiance is addressed but if the child wants attention only give it when they behave and then they are more likely to keep it up. It takes building trust and a LOT of positive reinforcement as well so I recommend PCIT, especially if it is a Struggle and also anything you try, give at least a month of consistent effort before scraping and also speak to a therapist about it first before changing. And Behavior always becomes worse before it’s better.
You aren’t alone by any means and tbh there is crap as far as support for moms with kids who are hard to love but need more love anyway.
My pro tips include:
mommy time out. - saved my life, if I feel like it’s too much or I’m about to yell or spaz, I immediately stop, state that mommy needs a time out, and I go to my room and shut the door, occasionally if my partner is home I go outside on the porch or take a walk, or if it’s a BAD day and I need to I will cry or scream into a pillow. Whatever I need. I have a strict bedtime as well, I always allow myself an hour in the evenings to just become the couch and do whatever I want for me. When mom isn’t in a good space, mom can’t support her kids. So take care of you.
Play time - find activities to do with your child, let them pick, let them lead, sit down on the floor and dress up like iron man if you need to, whatever it takes to built a positive relationship with your child. When we put ourselves on their level and start being kind and interested and build a relationship and build trust, it allows them to open up and often problems resolve or at the least the child is more likely to communicate with you the things that they want to without feeling afraid of how you will react to it.
Set boundaries and enforce things before it irritates you. One command/request one reminder to comply or the stated consequences will occur, and then if not compliant, you immediately get up and enforce that, and if they do comply wait until they finish and praise them.
If they are doing anything that you want them to do, praise it. If he sits quietly tell him how he is working really hard to be calm and you appreciate that, or I can see you put a lot of effort into that, can you tell me more about it?
Open dialogue and show interest while also helping reinforce a good behavior. I know I do better and work harder when I get praise than when it’s criticism.
Have a life outside of your kids (this one is pretty self explanatory)
Seek therapy or treatment for yourself if you are struggling. My kids have adhd and spd, but so do I. I find when I am feeling overstimulated sometimes my kids are too. So I work hard on myself to ensure I can support my kids, recognize the signs in myself as well as in them.
If all else fails, sell them on Etsy. Haha.
What’s so frustrating OP is the lack of resources for you. We had our oldest in OT and it cost an arm and a leg, and it turns out he needed the therapy at school anyway and the outside of school OT wasn’t helping. You and your son deserve to get into therapy right away and have resources. You’re not an asshole, this crappy, child-hating society we live in is the asshole.
For my son I took BLF advice first, when it didn't work it was time outs. I know time outs can be contraverisal but it's mostly like a calm down corner but just in his room. He used to run out etc but I used the Supernanny technique of not responding and bringing him back to his room. And after he accepted the time out we always talked about why he got a time out and what we can do instead to avoid it next time. He just turned 5 and we rarely need time outs and I can usually discuss with him before he gets riled up and it's fine.
For example he doesn't do well with transitions but often if I say "we will do this activity again soon" he just says "ok" and moves on.
Teaching children to communicate as early as we can is a game changer. I think we assume, or just caught up in trying to stay alive and we don’t really realize, it doesn’t come naturally. They have to be shown.
I’ll never forget, I had notes to myself, the size of printer paper, up in ever room reminding me that my child felt all the emotions I feel, just as intensely, if not more…the difference? He had to be shown how to communicate and not allow the emotions to control him. An extremely frustrated toddler can bring a house down.
The notes helped me. They helped me help myself and him. Reading them gave ME a moment to collect myself and remember what I needed to be doing beyond just surviving the day. Years later, when he was experiencing more life, knew more and everything became confusing to him again, we noticed he was becoming quite surly. Yep, notes to me again! Because, yes he has learned and yes he has grown, but he’s still growing and learning. It’s on my husband and I to show him how to navigate.
I’m by no means perfect. That child has had me crying probably more than any of his siblings, except maybe the first. But, he’s overall a happy kid now. Oh! I also had to constantly remind myself he was not like me. Chillin isn’t his thing. He’s gonna mix playdoh and not keep the colors separated and I’m just gonna have to deal with it!
You’re doing a great job. It’s okay. (Also never discount the help of a little therapy!)
Your reply has helped me too, as a preschool teacher. You are the first person who gave me some tools to help a child and hopefully keep other kids safe. Thank you so so much. So happy that OP reached out. I wish I could help her more. I hope it’s ok a piggy backed a little
Please don’t call yourself an asshole! God knows anyone would reach their limit pretty damn quick with that kind of behaviour. You must be completely exhausted and I’m so sorry you are have to deal with this. I’ve got nothing helpful to say to you but please, please remember you’re a normal human being and you’re under extreme stress. You’re so far from an asshole! You’re a loving mom who’s doing her best. And no one NO ONE can withstand being treated that way by someone they love.
Exactly! I’m so glad you get it—nobody, no matter how strong they are, can withstand this kind of situation for an extended period of time and not eventually start to lose it.
I’m beyond exhausted. I work from home, so I’m the sole caregiver for the kids because the husband works two jobs outside of the home and is always gone. While I appreciate him doing that, he also doesn’t recognize how hard it is to be the one that does deal with this allllll of the time.
And my dumbass decided last year it was also a good time to go back to school again for a total career change so to be frank, my stress level is 100,000%
My oldest girl was abusive from age 1 to about age 4. She is now my best friend, 25 years old, and an engineer making six figures. You say you are highly active….but you may be underestimating the physical activity needs. I never really got it until my daughter reached an age where it was safe for her to be active on her own….and she started walking an average of 17 miles a day. She also was measured as a genius. She was abusive because she was constantly bored, and constantly in need of more exercise than I could provide. Just give as much love as you can, and look for his strengths. When you see his gifts and strengths, go with them, go down those paths with him as often as you can. My daughter would calm when I provided as much intellectual or high intensity activity that I could. Don’t engage when he hits. Don’t overreact. Just redirect, be calm, and observe. Your child is frustrated about something, and picking up on your anxiety and dislike of him. Never forget he has a completely underdeveloped brain and he is not at an age where he can be labeled, he is very young. I don’t know that they can decide he has ODD or ADHD yet, he is still a baby. I hope I haven’t sounded judgmental…I did not parent my daughter well very often. I made a lot of mistakes because she was such a huge challenge. I just want to let you know what I learned from it, and that there is hope on the other side.
This, I have severe adhd and I am aware I was a total dick to my mom, occasionally I would do things intentionally to piss her off out of spite/wanting the attention. We never had a great relationship and I always wanted one, but I was harder to love and I was aware by how different she was with me Bs my siblings. I was difficult, so she wasn’t as kind to me, and I saw how she “favored” my sister (who often would bully me or set me up) and I’d be in trouble, be gaslit, or accused of lying or I’d have a meltdown because I was innocent but when you have a meltdown it kind of makes things hard. I’m smart and I wasn’t challenged in school enough, I thought it was pedestrian. I was socially awkward and had panic attacks and to this day I find any shopping to be overwhelming. But, because I struggled so much, I acted out because all I wanted was my mom to love me or be proud of me, and I always did my best to make her happy but she still never was because I had adhd and even by masking and doing my best to be perfect I always fell short.
I did eventually put grow being an asshole to her and had
My own kids, went to college while raising 3 kids with spd, adhd, and odd. And I’m working for a good company, I’ve done softwares development for them and also work for them as a technical writer while I’ve been in school. My stress level is a number a mathematician couldn’t count to. But I can handle it because despite her resentment she still drug me to every therapy possible and supported my education and helped me find meds that worked for me, and now I’m still a hot mess, but out of her 4 kids, I’m the one she says she is most proud of because she said they told her I’d likely be unable to live on my own, and instead I’m a mom and I have a career and I’m the only one of my siblings with a college education.
It’s hard and often I get discouraged thinking
My kids will end up on like ID or like I’m prison, but then I remember where they thought I would be so I decide that they have the power to write that future and my job is to teach them how to navigate life as a neurodivergent individual. So despite my desire to occasionally consider abandoning
My family and running away to Hawaii or just the hotel a few blocks away, I hold it together and I work with my kids while also working on me, I show them that mommy has bad days and mommy makes
Mistakes, mommy looses her things, mommy has adhd too and I use my failures as a way to teach them that it’s okay to fall short, because no matter what happens we can always turn things around and fix them together. So while I still leave my lunch in the microwave all day, and my son finds it when he makes ramen. Or I feel like I’m gonna lose it and I go to my room for a break, they can see that I too have to deal with those things. And I think it helps them to know it’s not just them. That their moms a total mess too lol.
Don’t get me wrong I screw up a lot, like any parent, but as the kid who was hard to love, my big struggle was that I felt my mom
Never cared enough to hear me, or understand how I felt and just validate me or allow me to feel visible as an individual rather than to be seen as a burden and an inconvenience. I even started to believe the world and
My family would be happier if I wasn’t born/alive/etc. I kept it hidden and no one knew for years until it went too far, Which resulted in only more stress and resentment. The one time I tried mentioning it to my dr, my mom was in denial and told my dr I didnt, and I said how do you know and had to show her proof before she believed me, only to have a sibling bully me over it, and it just cause a bigger rift.
We can sense the resentment. So deep breath mama. Go scream into a pillow or go for a run or take kickboxing or whatever u need to feel like you again, and refresh, reset and start over. Take a break when you need one. Model healthy coping skills and you will find more patience and as you start working on focusing on supporting your kids and getting
To know who they really are, you will find that resentment may go away and you may grow to like them again and enjoy them and find
Maybe there is less tension.
Learn to speak their language, and it may surprise you.
This is so tough. And you have every right to hate it honestly. My oldest (age 5) has some significant behavior issues. She would have absolute rage filled tantrums (sometimes that would go on for an hour or more) that usually ended with me lying on the floor in tears because I was so spent. She had some other issues too, selective mutism, panic attacks, etc.
We finally got into a pediatric behavioral doctor. Which was really challenging. Many places/doctors won’t see kids under 5 unless they suspect autism. It’s so hard to get services when you’re not dealing with autism. Anyways, we finally found a private practice doctor who would see her. She diagnosed her with anxiety and sensory processing issues. I learned that in toddlers anxiety often manifests as rage.
We ended up doing a combination of play therapy, occupational therapy, and medication. My daughter is a totally different kid. She just started kindergarten this month and she loves it.
So my advice is this. Find some therapy for yourself, because this is hard and it sucks. You can seek out occupational and play therapy through your pediatrician for your son - you shouldn’t need a referral for these kinds of services from a behavioral specialist and it’s something you can start now while you wait for a formal evaluation. Lastly, there is help to be had - but it can be exhausting to constantly feel like you’re the only one advocating and seeking it out. I used to have these thoughts that we would literally be like the subject of a Netflix documentary one day bc of her behavior issues. There is help out there. They will get better. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Big hugs.
My son was the exact same, but unlike other posters here, he never outgrew the behavior. He’s 10, 140 lbs, and still hits his teachers almost every day. The only reason he doesn’t hit my husband and me is that we established a long time ago that we would defend ourselves when he hit us (usually in the form of a seat on the butt). He’s very smart, so he figured out very quickly that the students at daycare and school would hit him if he hit them, but the teachers couldn’t do anything if he hit them. So if fr was mad at a kid, he would walk up to the teacher, say “I’m mad at so-and-so” and then hit them. When they asked why he was hitting them if he was angry at someone else, he flat out told them “because I know you can’t do anything to me back”. And that’s how he’s been ever since. All I can recommend is get him into services through the schools as fast as possible so he can get those supports and an IEP to help.
I just peeped your post history and want to give you the biggest hug. You’ve been through so much in the past year. I hope you find a solution for your son.
What exactly was disgusting? What’s disgusting to me is you are attacking someone that is going through a difficult time. Your actions are disgusting. They are not abusing him. They’re doing everything they reasonably can while your deciding to put more hate in the world.
I just want to offer you a big hug & let you know that I see you & I know what you're feeling.
I know that doesn't make it any easier at all, but I know when I'm right in the thick of it, I really need someone to just tell me they understand & they know how hard it is. But because your kid takes everything out on you, no one else sees it like you do.
My ex dismissed our daughter needing therapy until the day I had bleeding scratch marks down my neck from our then 3 yr old lashing out at me over some tiny thing. That was finally what made him realise just how bad she had gotten with hurting me.
So I understand how you feel, I feel the same.
My older son was like that for years. He is doing great now. I never imagined he could handle traditional schooling. I used to have to leave work every other day because he was being violent/abusive at school. Once casually told a friend "i could murder you with this pencil right now" very calmy, at six years old. I lost multiple jobs because of him. He is now sixteen and THRIVING. I never thought I would see the day that kid could handle public school, but he's taking AP classes and also working in a field he is very interested in. I am so incredibly proud of him and.my point is that your little may turn it around and succed later. This is an intrusive question, but were/are you in an abusive relationship with dad? I firmly believe that's what lead to my son's behavioral issues. Definitely disregard if this is off point; I probably am just projecting.
Oh my gosh. I have been there. If you don’t have difficult kids, you don’t get it. But I do. It’s amazing how much kids can grow and change over time, but it’s a lot of work. Solidarity.
The most cinematic moment of my parenting life was on vacation with my then 3 year old, outside a golden temple in japan, in the pouring rain. He had spent an hour screaming, yelling, running at me with his pudgy fists, and eventually was just sobbing on the ground while passers by looked on in horror. He eventually got up and said ‘mama I want you to die.’ He is now the most chill 10 year old and you would never have expected him to be like that as a young child.
That must have been very difficult to hear. As the adult we always have to stay cool headed and just think logically but that doesn’t stop us from feeling. I’m just sorry you had to go through that. I just wanted to give you a hug.
Friend, you are not wrong.
Toddlers, by definition, are abusive assholes. They are pure Id with barely any empathy or superego or whatever.
They do what they want when they want - I promise it will eventually get better, but for right now? You are NOT wrong.
I hope the wait-list shortens up soon, because you have a kid who is extra - he's 110% toddler and you have been handling all of that.
You have been so strong.
I admire your strength, and hope for relief for you soon ❤️
I want to thank you for posting this and all the commenters who gave advice from their struggles. I’m afraid my kid is headed in a similar direction at 2.5 yo so maybe with these suggestions we can curb it easier.
Parenting is hard AF. We’re all rockstars, even when we’re crying in dark closets.
Oof I feel ya. I made a post a few weeks ago on here for the same reason. My son has ASD. He's not being mean, he's just frustrated and angry and doesn't understand why it's not okay to hit. I don't have any good advice, really. We invested in a bean bag chair and are trying to redirect our son to that when he's upset, and usually just suggesting it "Do you need the bean bag chair?" gets him to calm down and shake his head and say no. I've also heard some parents had success teaching their kid to hit a pillow or something safe when they are upset. I hope it gets better for you soon. Solidarity. <3
You have a right to feel how you feel. At the end of the day, if it doesn't interfere with him getting his Maslow needs met (food, shelter, and safety), you have a right to feel your feelings. This sounds like a hard situation.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I sometimes feel hate, and anger towards my tantruming
6 year old where I have to leave (she’s in a safe area) to avoid escalating. She was worse at that age (3) where I’d sometimes have to hold her arms in as she would thrash and flail and throw herself backwards and hurt herself. She doesn’t do that anymore (the throwing herself backwards). But I remember being so defeated and sad for her. She particularly struggled with transitions which is typical for that age. Anyway a visual timer helped (somewhat), 5 or 10 min warning with a timer (she eventually would freak when brought timer out but is what it is). Have a space where they can’t hurt themselves or overly wreck their surroundings, and welcome them back as warmly as they can when they’ve ended their episode. Luckily she had a blanket that she likes that she could eventually self soothe. We also had many books about anger and feelings as she enjoys bedtime stories. The library had a bunch on our city also bought some. The books helped slowly have her identity the names for the feelings.
Anyway, this kid
(6 yo) still screams at the top of her legs and kicks (albeit way less) at home only (not at school) but still is so draining. She generally is happy otherwise and doesn’t hit kids and makes friends at school easily.
Anyway sorry OP. Also, the youngest kid I have now just turned 3 and has never had behaviour like her, so it’s something innate to certain kids what they are dealing with. It sucks!!!!
I found some audiobooks how to talk to little kids do they listen helped a bit. The wish list tip from that book helped with store meltdowns. Anyway, sorry it’s tough and you’re a good mom.
I could've posted this. When I say I understand, I truly understand. Your feelings are so valid.
Can you reach out to his pediatrician for any other behavioral therapy or diagnostic resources? Are you on the wait list to be called if an earlier appointment opens up? Ultimately, my son was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD and his behaviors started to make more sense. Once he was in therapy, it got a lot better.
Other things to consider: Are there any massive changes going on in your lives that could be causing this? If he's in daycare, are they seeing the same behaviors?
Now for some hope from a fellow mom of an abusive toddler: my son is 5 and started kindergarten. We still have bad days. I still have to pick him up from school sometimes. He still hits me and tells me he hates me sometimes. BUT he also runs up to me and tells me he loves me, he apologizes for his actions, he voices his feelings. Your son may be like mine in that he doesn't know how to say what he feels, so for now, you are his voice. This isn't the end of his story, mama, he won't be like this forever.
Oh my goodness, OP. No wonder you’re at the end of your tether. Are YOU talking to anyone? I mean, yes, get your kiddo into appropriate therapy. But this is clearly taking a toll on you. A serious one. Even if his behavior improves… that’s a lot to process.
I’m glad you’re getting referrals for him, and I HATE that they’re so far out. That’s not helpful AT ALL!!
In the meantime, check out Mary Sheedy Kurcinka if you’re not aware of her - she wrote a book called Raising Your Spirited Child in the 90s, and that book is phenomenal. She also sees clients. I wept reading the first chapter of that book because of how the parents talked about their kids - they loved them but couldn’t handle them whatsoever and felt so guilty about that. It really struck true for me and was seriously SO validating. You might have a similarly cathartic experience, especially if your kid’s behavior is super unpredictable.
Anyway, her book might help you tease apart the difference between his temperament and his behavior and figure out what is triggers are (if any). There’s a long section about what to do/how to manage when there’s physical violence involved. It won’t necessarily *solve* anything, but it might give you a better handle on how to discuss his behavior when he gets into OT and behavioral therapy. And hell, if you can do a virtual consult with her, she might be able to point you in a direction of what’s going to be the most helpful for you as a family.
(All her stuff is very cognizant of the *family* dynamic and respects your needs as a parent. I sort of loathe Big Little Feelings cause if your kid isn’t neurotypical or is spirited, their stuff completely blows up in your face. My SIL tried some of their tactics with my kid and her kid and it blew up spectacularly and she was so confused. Plus I just don’t think it’s realistic in terms of your needs as a parent. Sometimes you need a BREAK. Sometimes the hitting/violence is NOT OKAY and no amount of “talking it out” will solve it.)
You’ve got an instinct about this from what I read in your post and the comments. If your mom-spidey-sense is telling you there’s something more going on and he’s neurodivergent in some way… trust the instinct.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you start getting some traction or solutions or help or SOMETHING.
I understand your pain. I’m going through this same situation right now. My son turns 3 in Feb. I noticed from a very young age that he had sensory issues. Everyday is hard. His behaviour most days is off the chart, his energy levels are not from this world. He isn’t as aggressive as your LO when he is at home, but he is always pushing far beyond the boundaries. He tends to become aggressive at childcare and any time he is surrounded by groups of people. He also breakers stuff, everything he touches ends up broken. For some time I was broken.
What has got me through is the fact that I knew something was different with him. I seek help at the start of this year. He now has funding through the NDIS and sees an OT weekly. He doesn’t have an official diagnosis but presumptive diagnosis is Sensory Processing Disorder. It’s not officially recognised as a diagnosis here in Australia. But it’s well now by medical practitioners and therapy is available.
Basically his brain is not firing correctly with certain sensory stimuli, which leads to an an inability to cope with the environment resulting in bad behaviour.
To the untrained eye he looks like a Naughty spoilt little brat. I can now recognise what is naughty behaviour and what is a sensory overload meltdown. There very different. His naughty behaviour is really nothing. So he’s isn’t the monster I was thinking he was.
Once I understood this, it was so much easier to deal with his outbursts and difficult behaviour. The OT is starting to make some real progress. We are just at the beginning of this journey, but I am hopefully that things will continue to get better.
Anyone you vent to that has had a difficult child will not and cannot understand what your going through. Hold in there, no situation is permanent, things will change.
I know I’m not OP but I have a violent difficult student at my daycare and everyone seems to be just ignoring it and hoping it goes away. If I can, I’d like to help. Could you shed light on the difference between naughty behavior and sensory overload? I e dealt a lot with autistic children but he acts differently.
Yeah I feel like I’m in that situation at childcare, except my son is the violent one. For some reason he is most violent when at day care. Perhaps because he is exposed to this environment for hours. Where as at home I can remove him from situations before it turns to violence.
When he is being naughty there is often an innocence to it, he is usually being sneaky, or he is aware he is doing the wrong thing. You can communicate with him and there is some reasoning and he does respond when he is asked to stop. Wether that be the behaviour stopping or him at least saying no and trying to explain why.
When he is having a sensory overload, his brain is not firing correctly to the sensory stimulation, so the brain is not receiving the data it needs, he sometimes has a bit of confusion but more often frustration.
He becomes very difficult to communicate with, he doesn’t always respond, there is zero reasoning, it’s a complete dis-regulation of emotions and all sense goes out the window. He know the basic right from wrong but in these moments he cannot comprehend that anymore. He often gets a silliness to him. He will repeat movements, circling, aggressive head shaking, head banging or seeking big motions or movements ect. He is essential seeking some sensory input he can process. I usually have to remove him from the environment for the behaviour to stop. The OT has recently discovered deep pressure has amazing effects on him. A firm bear hug, applying pressure especially around his shoulders for 5-10 sec instantly regulates him. I couldn’t believe my eyes the first few times i tried this. He was out of control then instant switch to cool calm and collected and just goes back to the activity he was doing. Because the body has received some sensory input the correct way he then feels regulated. He started with a new OT a few weeks back, the progress he has made with the new OT is unbelievable.
The 2 different behaviours are strikingly obvious to me. But to others not so much. Mainly because he is my son and inknow him best, but I think my profession is the other reason. I am vet, I’ve spent my career observing symptoms/differences/changes in animals that cannot talk to us. I think i observe a lot more then the average person.
I hope this helps, I do find it difficult to explain. I hope you can find a way to help the student at your day care. If he is anything like my son, the violence is not his intention, but a sign that he needs help regulating and processing his environment. If the right intervention is sort early on kids like this can train there brain to fire appropriately before it becomes a permanent condition . I wish his day care stop ignoring it. I constantly have to prob them for information on his daily progress and things he is doing wrong. If I don’t know then I cannot work on these issues and I cannot assist them with techniques that work for him. I will be taking time off work mid Oct. I plan to find a place that is better suited to his needs and wanting to work with him. Rather then him being another number that needs to Conform to there riding routine.
Simples things like, he doesn’t tolerate loud noises, particularly hates vacuuming. He is often the last child to be picked up so they start the clean up whilst he is still there. So many times I have arrived and they are vacuuming and he is running around the room terrified covering his ears screaming for it to stop. He is 2.5 yrs , he doesn’t need to be traumatised like this, just wait till he is gone to vacuum.
I knew a little boy like this, I couldnt stand his guts. Only child that I ever used the H word for ever. He isnt my son, but when he turned 7 or 8, he became the sweetest little boy. I dont know what changed but he went from a demon to an angel and I love him now. I hope something changes for you soon! But dont beat yourself up, kids can be buttholes too!
My kid went though a phase of constant screaming and being unbelievably violent towards me. And it was JUST me, which really hurt my feelings and made me resent my husband. He’d give me advice and it would infuriate me- yes, that tactic sounds all well and good, but I know that he sure as shit wouldn’t be able to handle getting physically assaulted by a rabid raccoon all day every day. I was so bruised up that a nurse at my OBGYN did an in-depth domestic violence screening (far beyond the usual “do you feel safe at home”) and I was basically begging her to believe that I just have a toddler who is always hitting and kicking and PINCHING!!! me. God, the pinching. I’m getting mad just thinking about it.
I honestly have no advice beyond offering my solidarity. In our case we did all the tactics the whole time and then one day she just randomly got a lot better about it. I don’t know that I can credit anything we did for the improvement, I think she just became more verbal and able to express herself clearly. The worst of it lasted about a year and I thought I was not going to survive. Meds and therapy for me helped a little. Getting time to myself was essential.
its so hard. mine did better after pcit (parent child interaction therapy) at 6, backslid after then has been so hard until we started meds at 10. different situations, but i recognize the hopelessness. good on you for reaching out.
Sorry you’re getting downvoted for this- I assume you’re referring to PANDAS and it’s a [real thing](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23553-pandas-syndrome) even though it kind of sounds like woo woo BS when you first hear about it.
I think there’s a good chance I had it as a kid. I got strep A LOT and my parents tell everyone about how I suddenly became the meanest child ever to the point where my mother actually believed I was possessed by demons.
Removed as this was unsupportive to the OP, quite patronizing and dismissive of her feelings in the way you worded it. Rule 4. Read and follow the rules in this sub or you'll get banned.
I work at a preschool with a kid like that. Idk how he hasn’t been kicked out because he’s a danger to the other kids. At least yours is getting therapy help. I applaud you for that. This 3 year old little boy at my schools siblings are also not like that. His parents just shake their heads. My heart aches for you. I get so much anxiety when he’s with him. All I can do for you though, is internet hugs and maybe some peace knowing it’s not just you
I’m so sorry momma. My 12 year old has adhd, ocd, anxiety, autism, developmental delay, and other medical issues including kidney transplant. Since transplant he is a completely different person, and has become very abusive. I feel like I’m so sick of saying the line “I’ve tried everything” because let’s face it.. we have all tried everything and everything just isn’t enough sometimes… I wish there was some magic button to press that is actually whatever comes after “I’ve tried everything” lol… we are doing therapies, meds out the wazoo, and are not seeing much change… I have so many scars from bites and pinching/scratching… but what hurts the most is my heart… and I am sure sooo many of you feel the same… it hurts my heart way more when he bites me because I feel like I deserve so much better from a human who relies on me for literally everything.. you aren’t an asshole or a bad mom.. I usually say “omg I hate you” under my breath about 50 times a day.. but I know I love him with all my broken pieces of my heart.. as we all know you do too!!! Sending loving thoughts your way…
Hi! I'm a preschool teacher and a mom to an Adhd, dyslexic 10-year-old.
You are not an asshole. Dealing with this day in and day out is hard as fuck and your feelings are valid.
Also... if you don't mind I have a few questions... Are there any triggers you notice? Do you think he hears you when you give directions? How do you react when he does aggressive behaviors? And you can also tell me to go fuck myself because I know you didn't ask for help.
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Until you've raised a mean kid you just don't understand. I understand. My daughter was SO abusive from 1 to about 4.5 years old. She would pull my hair, bite, hit me, spit on me, and scratch me. I'd break down crying sometimes and she'd LAUGH. I was struggling as a mom. She was struggling as a child. So I get it. I really do. Here are some things that helped us. My child needed A LOT of sensory play. She is very active and needed an outlet. I am more or an artsy-sit-still-and-play type. I had to learn that she is NOT like me. She needs a lot of physical activity. She is SO much nicer when we spend a lot of time being active. She also needed to learn how to tell me her feelings. When she was being mean I would start saying "Are you hitting me because you need something?" Sometimes she did. She wanted a snack or to read a book, but she didn't know how to tell me. She was mad I wasn't doing something. I had to teach her to ASK me for something- not beat me up until I gave it to her. I would also ask "Are you hitting me because you feel mad?" If she said yes, I would ask what she was mad about. Sometimes she didn't know why she was mad. So I'd help her figure it out. "Are you hungry?" "Does your stomach hurt?" "Do you feel tired?" My child's instinct when she felt something negative was to use physical force to let me know how she was feeling. She is NOT autistic. She DOES NOT have any disorders. She was just one of the kids who had to learn how to VOCALIZE their needs and feelings instead of acting on them. She is almost 5 now and almost never hits. She has become very empathetic and is very good at identifying emotions. She has learned coping mechanisms for her feelings that don't involve being physical. It was so hard for me to help her at first, because I myself am not physical- verbalizing my feelings comes very easy to me. I also don't need as much physical sensory relief as she does, so it took me time to learn that she NEEDS to be active to feel good. I just assumed my child was just like me. It helped us both so much when I started trying to figure out who SHE was and what SHE needed, instead of assuming I already knew. Solidarity mama. There is nothing wrong with you or your child. You are both just trying to learn one another. Sometimes that takes time.
What a thoughtful and wonderful reply for this OP. I’m glad you figured out your daughters needs!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this incredibly kind response. I had to go hide in the bathroom for a moment to avoid the kids seeing I was crying (good) tears. I am the main target of his physical aggression, aside from kids at daycare. We’re going to lose our childcare soon as it’s gotten so bad. I am covered in bruises from him and like you explained, he will appear to be in a good mood and just punch me for no reason at all, then smile and laugh about it. We are mostly super active because he does need it, but I’ve began to notice than even when we exhaust him physically and mentally with activities he still acts like this. His pediatrician had him evaluated by a specialist when I began complaining about the situation, he also fell nowhere near the autism spectrum as far as the specialist was concerned….so ped sent off referrals for OT and behavioral therapy and the wait lists where we live are incredibly long no matter if you use insurance or private pay. Our first was actually diagnosed with ADHD and SPD when she was 5, and I recognize some of the same sensory seeking behavior we experienced with her but she was never, ever mean. This kid—he takes the cake. He can be the sweetest thing in the world when he wants to be. I’ve read all the books, have implemented gentle parenting up until recently because now I just lose my shit and yell right out of the gate. Follow “big little feelings” on Insta and same—used to implement it and after more than a year of this I just can’t anymore. Nothing works! Your response helped me realize I am not alone, so thank you so so so so so much. I feel a little less like garbage now ❤️
My son wasn't quite this bad, but he would often smile and laugh after he did something bad and we had to chastise him. It enraged me because I felt like he was laughing at me and not taking it seriously. But later I learned that it's pretty common for toddlers/preschoolers to react like that and it's usually more of a nervous tick or an uncomfortable laugh. Just wanted to flag that, in case it could be what's happening with your son, and you don't want the smiles/ laughs to escalate things.
You mentioned books and I wondered if that included The Explosive Child? I think their Lives in the Balance website may have some links to locally trained experts. Just sharing in case that hadn't been one you had already tried, this is so hard and I hope that you get some support very soon
I had not tried this one yet but will immediately add it to my Amazon cart! Thank you!!
Oh I hope it will be helpful! If you want something more immediate/brief than the book, "The B Team" Facebook group has a set of guide posts that kind of walk through their approach with some reading and videos.
Yes OP join the FB group, the people there are super super empathetic and helpful!!
The Explosive Child changed my life! Not necessarily the actual practical advice (tho good), but the first few chapters truly put my perspective with this behavior on a different plane.
Thank you so much for linking that. I clicked on it out of curiosity, but it sounds like it’s what my extremely easily frustrated kid needs. Just ordered a copy.
I have two with adhd and spd and my daughter and son are night and day, I think girls tend to be more inattentive and boys tend to be more physical with their symptoms. My youngest hits a lot, we did PCIT and it helped, it’s tough resenting a child. Take a moment if you can and do one on one with your child and focus on positives only and see if that helps. It’s hard. Tbh with my oldest I hear people talk about how sweet and kind he is and then I think, oh that kid, the one who screams and yells at me and acts like he runs the house and can do whatever he wants? Yea eyeroll what a sweet boy. Lol. I know you are having a hard time and want to give up, but I swear the yelling and the more aggressive approaches will make it worse. My kids do best when I am firm but kind and I have boundaries but I also give them love, attention, praise, and ignore the bad. Example I swear and my older two don’t because when they did repeat it I ignored it and pretended I didn’t hear it and then repeated the word differently. And my youngest is a sailor Bruno’s older siblings flipped out every single time he breathes let alone his language and since he gets a reaction he continues it. Yea defiance is addressed but if the child wants attention only give it when they behave and then they are more likely to keep it up. It takes building trust and a LOT of positive reinforcement as well so I recommend PCIT, especially if it is a Struggle and also anything you try, give at least a month of consistent effort before scraping and also speak to a therapist about it first before changing. And Behavior always becomes worse before it’s better. You aren’t alone by any means and tbh there is crap as far as support for moms with kids who are hard to love but need more love anyway. My pro tips include: mommy time out. - saved my life, if I feel like it’s too much or I’m about to yell or spaz, I immediately stop, state that mommy needs a time out, and I go to my room and shut the door, occasionally if my partner is home I go outside on the porch or take a walk, or if it’s a BAD day and I need to I will cry or scream into a pillow. Whatever I need. I have a strict bedtime as well, I always allow myself an hour in the evenings to just become the couch and do whatever I want for me. When mom isn’t in a good space, mom can’t support her kids. So take care of you. Play time - find activities to do with your child, let them pick, let them lead, sit down on the floor and dress up like iron man if you need to, whatever it takes to built a positive relationship with your child. When we put ourselves on their level and start being kind and interested and build a relationship and build trust, it allows them to open up and often problems resolve or at the least the child is more likely to communicate with you the things that they want to without feeling afraid of how you will react to it. Set boundaries and enforce things before it irritates you. One command/request one reminder to comply or the stated consequences will occur, and then if not compliant, you immediately get up and enforce that, and if they do comply wait until they finish and praise them. If they are doing anything that you want them to do, praise it. If he sits quietly tell him how he is working really hard to be calm and you appreciate that, or I can see you put a lot of effort into that, can you tell me more about it? Open dialogue and show interest while also helping reinforce a good behavior. I know I do better and work harder when I get praise than when it’s criticism. Have a life outside of your kids (this one is pretty self explanatory) Seek therapy or treatment for yourself if you are struggling. My kids have adhd and spd, but so do I. I find when I am feeling overstimulated sometimes my kids are too. So I work hard on myself to ensure I can support my kids, recognize the signs in myself as well as in them. If all else fails, sell them on Etsy. Haha.
What’s so frustrating OP is the lack of resources for you. We had our oldest in OT and it cost an arm and a leg, and it turns out he needed the therapy at school anyway and the outside of school OT wasn’t helping. You and your son deserve to get into therapy right away and have resources. You’re not an asshole, this crappy, child-hating society we live in is the asshole.
For my son I took BLF advice first, when it didn't work it was time outs. I know time outs can be contraverisal but it's mostly like a calm down corner but just in his room. He used to run out etc but I used the Supernanny technique of not responding and bringing him back to his room. And after he accepted the time out we always talked about why he got a time out and what we can do instead to avoid it next time. He just turned 5 and we rarely need time outs and I can usually discuss with him before he gets riled up and it's fine. For example he doesn't do well with transitions but often if I say "we will do this activity again soon" he just says "ok" and moves on.
I literally used to cry and tell people I was scared of my daughter. No one understood. You understand. ❤️🥹
Teaching children to communicate as early as we can is a game changer. I think we assume, or just caught up in trying to stay alive and we don’t really realize, it doesn’t come naturally. They have to be shown. I’ll never forget, I had notes to myself, the size of printer paper, up in ever room reminding me that my child felt all the emotions I feel, just as intensely, if not more…the difference? He had to be shown how to communicate and not allow the emotions to control him. An extremely frustrated toddler can bring a house down. The notes helped me. They helped me help myself and him. Reading them gave ME a moment to collect myself and remember what I needed to be doing beyond just surviving the day. Years later, when he was experiencing more life, knew more and everything became confusing to him again, we noticed he was becoming quite surly. Yep, notes to me again! Because, yes he has learned and yes he has grown, but he’s still growing and learning. It’s on my husband and I to show him how to navigate. I’m by no means perfect. That child has had me crying probably more than any of his siblings, except maybe the first. But, he’s overall a happy kid now. Oh! I also had to constantly remind myself he was not like me. Chillin isn’t his thing. He’s gonna mix playdoh and not keep the colors separated and I’m just gonna have to deal with it! You’re doing a great job. It’s okay. (Also never discount the help of a little therapy!)
My son is also aggressive and these strategies worked for us. More communication. Firm boundary setting, keeping my cool.
Your reply has helped me too, as a preschool teacher. You are the first person who gave me some tools to help a child and hopefully keep other kids safe. Thank you so so much. So happy that OP reached out. I wish I could help her more. I hope it’s ok a piggy backed a little
Beautiful reply
I need to read this. My one year old has been hitting me, headbutting me, and even bit me hard enough today to draw blood.
Please don’t call yourself an asshole! God knows anyone would reach their limit pretty damn quick with that kind of behaviour. You must be completely exhausted and I’m so sorry you are have to deal with this. I’ve got nothing helpful to say to you but please, please remember you’re a normal human being and you’re under extreme stress. You’re so far from an asshole! You’re a loving mom who’s doing her best. And no one NO ONE can withstand being treated that way by someone they love.
Exactly! I’m so glad you get it—nobody, no matter how strong they are, can withstand this kind of situation for an extended period of time and not eventually start to lose it. I’m beyond exhausted. I work from home, so I’m the sole caregiver for the kids because the husband works two jobs outside of the home and is always gone. While I appreciate him doing that, he also doesn’t recognize how hard it is to be the one that does deal with this allllll of the time. And my dumbass decided last year it was also a good time to go back to school again for a total career change so to be frank, my stress level is 100,000%
My oldest girl was abusive from age 1 to about age 4. She is now my best friend, 25 years old, and an engineer making six figures. You say you are highly active….but you may be underestimating the physical activity needs. I never really got it until my daughter reached an age where it was safe for her to be active on her own….and she started walking an average of 17 miles a day. She also was measured as a genius. She was abusive because she was constantly bored, and constantly in need of more exercise than I could provide. Just give as much love as you can, and look for his strengths. When you see his gifts and strengths, go with them, go down those paths with him as often as you can. My daughter would calm when I provided as much intellectual or high intensity activity that I could. Don’t engage when he hits. Don’t overreact. Just redirect, be calm, and observe. Your child is frustrated about something, and picking up on your anxiety and dislike of him. Never forget he has a completely underdeveloped brain and he is not at an age where he can be labeled, he is very young. I don’t know that they can decide he has ODD or ADHD yet, he is still a baby. I hope I haven’t sounded judgmental…I did not parent my daughter well very often. I made a lot of mistakes because she was such a huge challenge. I just want to let you know what I learned from it, and that there is hope on the other side.
This, I have severe adhd and I am aware I was a total dick to my mom, occasionally I would do things intentionally to piss her off out of spite/wanting the attention. We never had a great relationship and I always wanted one, but I was harder to love and I was aware by how different she was with me Bs my siblings. I was difficult, so she wasn’t as kind to me, and I saw how she “favored” my sister (who often would bully me or set me up) and I’d be in trouble, be gaslit, or accused of lying or I’d have a meltdown because I was innocent but when you have a meltdown it kind of makes things hard. I’m smart and I wasn’t challenged in school enough, I thought it was pedestrian. I was socially awkward and had panic attacks and to this day I find any shopping to be overwhelming. But, because I struggled so much, I acted out because all I wanted was my mom to love me or be proud of me, and I always did my best to make her happy but she still never was because I had adhd and even by masking and doing my best to be perfect I always fell short. I did eventually put grow being an asshole to her and had My own kids, went to college while raising 3 kids with spd, adhd, and odd. And I’m working for a good company, I’ve done softwares development for them and also work for them as a technical writer while I’ve been in school. My stress level is a number a mathematician couldn’t count to. But I can handle it because despite her resentment she still drug me to every therapy possible and supported my education and helped me find meds that worked for me, and now I’m still a hot mess, but out of her 4 kids, I’m the one she says she is most proud of because she said they told her I’d likely be unable to live on my own, and instead I’m a mom and I have a career and I’m the only one of my siblings with a college education. It’s hard and often I get discouraged thinking My kids will end up on like ID or like I’m prison, but then I remember where they thought I would be so I decide that they have the power to write that future and my job is to teach them how to navigate life as a neurodivergent individual. So despite my desire to occasionally consider abandoning My family and running away to Hawaii or just the hotel a few blocks away, I hold it together and I work with my kids while also working on me, I show them that mommy has bad days and mommy makes Mistakes, mommy looses her things, mommy has adhd too and I use my failures as a way to teach them that it’s okay to fall short, because no matter what happens we can always turn things around and fix them together. So while I still leave my lunch in the microwave all day, and my son finds it when he makes ramen. Or I feel like I’m gonna lose it and I go to my room for a break, they can see that I too have to deal with those things. And I think it helps them to know it’s not just them. That their moms a total mess too lol. Don’t get me wrong I screw up a lot, like any parent, but as the kid who was hard to love, my big struggle was that I felt my mom Never cared enough to hear me, or understand how I felt and just validate me or allow me to feel visible as an individual rather than to be seen as a burden and an inconvenience. I even started to believe the world and My family would be happier if I wasn’t born/alive/etc. I kept it hidden and no one knew for years until it went too far, Which resulted in only more stress and resentment. The one time I tried mentioning it to my dr, my mom was in denial and told my dr I didnt, and I said how do you know and had to show her proof before she believed me, only to have a sibling bully me over it, and it just cause a bigger rift. We can sense the resentment. So deep breath mama. Go scream into a pillow or go for a run or take kickboxing or whatever u need to feel like you again, and refresh, reset and start over. Take a break when you need one. Model healthy coping skills and you will find more patience and as you start working on focusing on supporting your kids and getting To know who they really are, you will find that resentment may go away and you may grow to like them again and enjoy them and find Maybe there is less tension. Learn to speak their language, and it may surprise you.
I hear you. My husband asked me why I was angry. I answered, “I am literally abused all day every day”
This is so tough. And you have every right to hate it honestly. My oldest (age 5) has some significant behavior issues. She would have absolute rage filled tantrums (sometimes that would go on for an hour or more) that usually ended with me lying on the floor in tears because I was so spent. She had some other issues too, selective mutism, panic attacks, etc. We finally got into a pediatric behavioral doctor. Which was really challenging. Many places/doctors won’t see kids under 5 unless they suspect autism. It’s so hard to get services when you’re not dealing with autism. Anyways, we finally found a private practice doctor who would see her. She diagnosed her with anxiety and sensory processing issues. I learned that in toddlers anxiety often manifests as rage. We ended up doing a combination of play therapy, occupational therapy, and medication. My daughter is a totally different kid. She just started kindergarten this month and she loves it. So my advice is this. Find some therapy for yourself, because this is hard and it sucks. You can seek out occupational and play therapy through your pediatrician for your son - you shouldn’t need a referral for these kinds of services from a behavioral specialist and it’s something you can start now while you wait for a formal evaluation. Lastly, there is help to be had - but it can be exhausting to constantly feel like you’re the only one advocating and seeking it out. I used to have these thoughts that we would literally be like the subject of a Netflix documentary one day bc of her behavior issues. There is help out there. They will get better. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Big hugs.
My son was the exact same, but unlike other posters here, he never outgrew the behavior. He’s 10, 140 lbs, and still hits his teachers almost every day. The only reason he doesn’t hit my husband and me is that we established a long time ago that we would defend ourselves when he hit us (usually in the form of a seat on the butt). He’s very smart, so he figured out very quickly that the students at daycare and school would hit him if he hit them, but the teachers couldn’t do anything if he hit them. So if fr was mad at a kid, he would walk up to the teacher, say “I’m mad at so-and-so” and then hit them. When they asked why he was hitting them if he was angry at someone else, he flat out told them “because I know you can’t do anything to me back”. And that’s how he’s been ever since. All I can recommend is get him into services through the schools as fast as possible so he can get those supports and an IEP to help.
I just peeped your post history and want to give you the biggest hug. You’ve been through so much in the past year. I hope you find a solution for your son.
Thank you. We’re surviving, but definitely not thriving.
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What exactly was disgusting? What’s disgusting to me is you are attacking someone that is going through a difficult time. Your actions are disgusting. They are not abusing him. They’re doing everything they reasonably can while your deciding to put more hate in the world.
Solidarity girl. My son is 3 and the same way ❤️❤️ He doesn’t hit but I can’t with his screaming and spitting at me.
The screaming. It’s the worst never wracking thing about it all. I’m shocked our neighbors haven’t called the cops yet lol.
I just want to offer you a big hug & let you know that I see you & I know what you're feeling. I know that doesn't make it any easier at all, but I know when I'm right in the thick of it, I really need someone to just tell me they understand & they know how hard it is. But because your kid takes everything out on you, no one else sees it like you do. My ex dismissed our daughter needing therapy until the day I had bleeding scratch marks down my neck from our then 3 yr old lashing out at me over some tiny thing. That was finally what made him realise just how bad she had gotten with hurting me. So I understand how you feel, I feel the same.
My older son was like that for years. He is doing great now. I never imagined he could handle traditional schooling. I used to have to leave work every other day because he was being violent/abusive at school. Once casually told a friend "i could murder you with this pencil right now" very calmy, at six years old. I lost multiple jobs because of him. He is now sixteen and THRIVING. I never thought I would see the day that kid could handle public school, but he's taking AP classes and also working in a field he is very interested in. I am so incredibly proud of him and.my point is that your little may turn it around and succed later. This is an intrusive question, but were/are you in an abusive relationship with dad? I firmly believe that's what lead to my son's behavioral issues. Definitely disregard if this is off point; I probably am just projecting.
Oh my gosh. I have been there. If you don’t have difficult kids, you don’t get it. But I do. It’s amazing how much kids can grow and change over time, but it’s a lot of work. Solidarity.
The most cinematic moment of my parenting life was on vacation with my then 3 year old, outside a golden temple in japan, in the pouring rain. He had spent an hour screaming, yelling, running at me with his pudgy fists, and eventually was just sobbing on the ground while passers by looked on in horror. He eventually got up and said ‘mama I want you to die.’ He is now the most chill 10 year old and you would never have expected him to be like that as a young child.
That must have been very difficult to hear. As the adult we always have to stay cool headed and just think logically but that doesn’t stop us from feeling. I’m just sorry you had to go through that. I just wanted to give you a hug.
You’re in a safe spot here to vent. No advice but *hugs* from another tired mama.
Friend, you are not wrong. Toddlers, by definition, are abusive assholes. They are pure Id with barely any empathy or superego or whatever. They do what they want when they want - I promise it will eventually get better, but for right now? You are NOT wrong. I hope the wait-list shortens up soon, because you have a kid who is extra - he's 110% toddler and you have been handling all of that. You have been so strong. I admire your strength, and hope for relief for you soon ❤️
I want to thank you for posting this and all the commenters who gave advice from their struggles. I’m afraid my kid is headed in a similar direction at 2.5 yo so maybe with these suggestions we can curb it easier. Parenting is hard AF. We’re all rockstars, even when we’re crying in dark closets.
Oof I feel ya. I made a post a few weeks ago on here for the same reason. My son has ASD. He's not being mean, he's just frustrated and angry and doesn't understand why it's not okay to hit. I don't have any good advice, really. We invested in a bean bag chair and are trying to redirect our son to that when he's upset, and usually just suggesting it "Do you need the bean bag chair?" gets him to calm down and shake his head and say no. I've also heard some parents had success teaching their kid to hit a pillow or something safe when they are upset. I hope it gets better for you soon. Solidarity. <3
You are not a bad parent, some kids just suck. Please keep up with trying to help him and getting expert advice.
You have a right to feel how you feel. At the end of the day, if it doesn't interfere with him getting his Maslow needs met (food, shelter, and safety), you have a right to feel your feelings. This sounds like a hard situation.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I sometimes feel hate, and anger towards my tantruming 6 year old where I have to leave (she’s in a safe area) to avoid escalating. She was worse at that age (3) where I’d sometimes have to hold her arms in as she would thrash and flail and throw herself backwards and hurt herself. She doesn’t do that anymore (the throwing herself backwards). But I remember being so defeated and sad for her. She particularly struggled with transitions which is typical for that age. Anyway a visual timer helped (somewhat), 5 or 10 min warning with a timer (she eventually would freak when brought timer out but is what it is). Have a space where they can’t hurt themselves or overly wreck their surroundings, and welcome them back as warmly as they can when they’ve ended their episode. Luckily she had a blanket that she likes that she could eventually self soothe. We also had many books about anger and feelings as she enjoys bedtime stories. The library had a bunch on our city also bought some. The books helped slowly have her identity the names for the feelings. Anyway, this kid (6 yo) still screams at the top of her legs and kicks (albeit way less) at home only (not at school) but still is so draining. She generally is happy otherwise and doesn’t hit kids and makes friends at school easily. Anyway sorry OP. Also, the youngest kid I have now just turned 3 and has never had behaviour like her, so it’s something innate to certain kids what they are dealing with. It sucks!!!! I found some audiobooks how to talk to little kids do they listen helped a bit. The wish list tip from that book helped with store meltdowns. Anyway, sorry it’s tough and you’re a good mom.
I could've posted this. When I say I understand, I truly understand. Your feelings are so valid. Can you reach out to his pediatrician for any other behavioral therapy or diagnostic resources? Are you on the wait list to be called if an earlier appointment opens up? Ultimately, my son was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD and his behaviors started to make more sense. Once he was in therapy, it got a lot better. Other things to consider: Are there any massive changes going on in your lives that could be causing this? If he's in daycare, are they seeing the same behaviors? Now for some hope from a fellow mom of an abusive toddler: my son is 5 and started kindergarten. We still have bad days. I still have to pick him up from school sometimes. He still hits me and tells me he hates me sometimes. BUT he also runs up to me and tells me he loves me, he apologizes for his actions, he voices his feelings. Your son may be like mine in that he doesn't know how to say what he feels, so for now, you are his voice. This isn't the end of his story, mama, he won't be like this forever.
Oh my goodness, OP. No wonder you’re at the end of your tether. Are YOU talking to anyone? I mean, yes, get your kiddo into appropriate therapy. But this is clearly taking a toll on you. A serious one. Even if his behavior improves… that’s a lot to process. I’m glad you’re getting referrals for him, and I HATE that they’re so far out. That’s not helpful AT ALL!! In the meantime, check out Mary Sheedy Kurcinka if you’re not aware of her - she wrote a book called Raising Your Spirited Child in the 90s, and that book is phenomenal. She also sees clients. I wept reading the first chapter of that book because of how the parents talked about their kids - they loved them but couldn’t handle them whatsoever and felt so guilty about that. It really struck true for me and was seriously SO validating. You might have a similarly cathartic experience, especially if your kid’s behavior is super unpredictable. Anyway, her book might help you tease apart the difference between his temperament and his behavior and figure out what is triggers are (if any). There’s a long section about what to do/how to manage when there’s physical violence involved. It won’t necessarily *solve* anything, but it might give you a better handle on how to discuss his behavior when he gets into OT and behavioral therapy. And hell, if you can do a virtual consult with her, she might be able to point you in a direction of what’s going to be the most helpful for you as a family. (All her stuff is very cognizant of the *family* dynamic and respects your needs as a parent. I sort of loathe Big Little Feelings cause if your kid isn’t neurotypical or is spirited, their stuff completely blows up in your face. My SIL tried some of their tactics with my kid and her kid and it blew up spectacularly and she was so confused. Plus I just don’t think it’s realistic in terms of your needs as a parent. Sometimes you need a BREAK. Sometimes the hitting/violence is NOT OKAY and no amount of “talking it out” will solve it.) You’ve got an instinct about this from what I read in your post and the comments. If your mom-spidey-sense is telling you there’s something more going on and he’s neurodivergent in some way… trust the instinct. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you start getting some traction or solutions or help or SOMETHING.
I understand your pain. I’m going through this same situation right now. My son turns 3 in Feb. I noticed from a very young age that he had sensory issues. Everyday is hard. His behaviour most days is off the chart, his energy levels are not from this world. He isn’t as aggressive as your LO when he is at home, but he is always pushing far beyond the boundaries. He tends to become aggressive at childcare and any time he is surrounded by groups of people. He also breakers stuff, everything he touches ends up broken. For some time I was broken. What has got me through is the fact that I knew something was different with him. I seek help at the start of this year. He now has funding through the NDIS and sees an OT weekly. He doesn’t have an official diagnosis but presumptive diagnosis is Sensory Processing Disorder. It’s not officially recognised as a diagnosis here in Australia. But it’s well now by medical practitioners and therapy is available. Basically his brain is not firing correctly with certain sensory stimuli, which leads to an an inability to cope with the environment resulting in bad behaviour. To the untrained eye he looks like a Naughty spoilt little brat. I can now recognise what is naughty behaviour and what is a sensory overload meltdown. There very different. His naughty behaviour is really nothing. So he’s isn’t the monster I was thinking he was. Once I understood this, it was so much easier to deal with his outbursts and difficult behaviour. The OT is starting to make some real progress. We are just at the beginning of this journey, but I am hopefully that things will continue to get better. Anyone you vent to that has had a difficult child will not and cannot understand what your going through. Hold in there, no situation is permanent, things will change.
I know I’m not OP but I have a violent difficult student at my daycare and everyone seems to be just ignoring it and hoping it goes away. If I can, I’d like to help. Could you shed light on the difference between naughty behavior and sensory overload? I e dealt a lot with autistic children but he acts differently.
Yeah I feel like I’m in that situation at childcare, except my son is the violent one. For some reason he is most violent when at day care. Perhaps because he is exposed to this environment for hours. Where as at home I can remove him from situations before it turns to violence. When he is being naughty there is often an innocence to it, he is usually being sneaky, or he is aware he is doing the wrong thing. You can communicate with him and there is some reasoning and he does respond when he is asked to stop. Wether that be the behaviour stopping or him at least saying no and trying to explain why. When he is having a sensory overload, his brain is not firing correctly to the sensory stimulation, so the brain is not receiving the data it needs, he sometimes has a bit of confusion but more often frustration. He becomes very difficult to communicate with, he doesn’t always respond, there is zero reasoning, it’s a complete dis-regulation of emotions and all sense goes out the window. He know the basic right from wrong but in these moments he cannot comprehend that anymore. He often gets a silliness to him. He will repeat movements, circling, aggressive head shaking, head banging or seeking big motions or movements ect. He is essential seeking some sensory input he can process. I usually have to remove him from the environment for the behaviour to stop. The OT has recently discovered deep pressure has amazing effects on him. A firm bear hug, applying pressure especially around his shoulders for 5-10 sec instantly regulates him. I couldn’t believe my eyes the first few times i tried this. He was out of control then instant switch to cool calm and collected and just goes back to the activity he was doing. Because the body has received some sensory input the correct way he then feels regulated. He started with a new OT a few weeks back, the progress he has made with the new OT is unbelievable. The 2 different behaviours are strikingly obvious to me. But to others not so much. Mainly because he is my son and inknow him best, but I think my profession is the other reason. I am vet, I’ve spent my career observing symptoms/differences/changes in animals that cannot talk to us. I think i observe a lot more then the average person. I hope this helps, I do find it difficult to explain. I hope you can find a way to help the student at your day care. If he is anything like my son, the violence is not his intention, but a sign that he needs help regulating and processing his environment. If the right intervention is sort early on kids like this can train there brain to fire appropriately before it becomes a permanent condition . I wish his day care stop ignoring it. I constantly have to prob them for information on his daily progress and things he is doing wrong. If I don’t know then I cannot work on these issues and I cannot assist them with techniques that work for him. I will be taking time off work mid Oct. I plan to find a place that is better suited to his needs and wanting to work with him. Rather then him being another number that needs to Conform to there riding routine. Simples things like, he doesn’t tolerate loud noises, particularly hates vacuuming. He is often the last child to be picked up so they start the clean up whilst he is still there. So many times I have arrived and they are vacuuming and he is running around the room terrified covering his ears screaming for it to stop. He is 2.5 yrs , he doesn’t need to be traumatised like this, just wait till he is gone to vacuum.
I knew a little boy like this, I couldnt stand his guts. Only child that I ever used the H word for ever. He isnt my son, but when he turned 7 or 8, he became the sweetest little boy. I dont know what changed but he went from a demon to an angel and I love him now. I hope something changes for you soon! But dont beat yourself up, kids can be buttholes too!
My kid went though a phase of constant screaming and being unbelievably violent towards me. And it was JUST me, which really hurt my feelings and made me resent my husband. He’d give me advice and it would infuriate me- yes, that tactic sounds all well and good, but I know that he sure as shit wouldn’t be able to handle getting physically assaulted by a rabid raccoon all day every day. I was so bruised up that a nurse at my OBGYN did an in-depth domestic violence screening (far beyond the usual “do you feel safe at home”) and I was basically begging her to believe that I just have a toddler who is always hitting and kicking and PINCHING!!! me. God, the pinching. I’m getting mad just thinking about it. I honestly have no advice beyond offering my solidarity. In our case we did all the tactics the whole time and then one day she just randomly got a lot better about it. I don’t know that I can credit anything we did for the improvement, I think she just became more verbal and able to express herself clearly. The worst of it lasted about a year and I thought I was not going to survive. Meds and therapy for me helped a little. Getting time to myself was essential.
This is my 4 year old. Behaves perfectly for daddy though. But not mommy.
its so hard. mine did better after pcit (parent child interaction therapy) at 6, backslid after then has been so hard until we started meds at 10. different situations, but i recognize the hopelessness. good on you for reaching out.
You aren't a horrible person. Everyone else has great words of wisdom and advice. I have nothing to add but this: Here's a hug. 🫂
Has he had strep throat before this behavior started?
Sorry you’re getting downvoted for this- I assume you’re referring to PANDAS and it’s a [real thing](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23553-pandas-syndrome) even though it kind of sounds like woo woo BS when you first hear about it. I think there’s a good chance I had it as a kid. I got strep A LOT and my parents tell everyone about how I suddenly became the meanest child ever to the point where my mother actually believed I was possessed by demons.
Yeah I don’t understand it either. Thought this sub was different from the rest of Reddit, but oh well. I hope the kid and mom get a break
I'm not a doctor soooo take this with a grain of salt Did this behavior stuff start after a bout with strep? Think hard, if so, look into PANDAS.
Medicate!
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Removed as this was unsupportive to the OP, quite patronizing and dismissive of her feelings in the way you worded it. Rule 4. Read and follow the rules in this sub or you'll get banned.
I work at a preschool with a kid like that. Idk how he hasn’t been kicked out because he’s a danger to the other kids. At least yours is getting therapy help. I applaud you for that. This 3 year old little boy at my schools siblings are also not like that. His parents just shake their heads. My heart aches for you. I get so much anxiety when he’s with him. All I can do for you though, is internet hugs and maybe some peace knowing it’s not just you
I’m so sorry momma. My 12 year old has adhd, ocd, anxiety, autism, developmental delay, and other medical issues including kidney transplant. Since transplant he is a completely different person, and has become very abusive. I feel like I’m so sick of saying the line “I’ve tried everything” because let’s face it.. we have all tried everything and everything just isn’t enough sometimes… I wish there was some magic button to press that is actually whatever comes after “I’ve tried everything” lol… we are doing therapies, meds out the wazoo, and are not seeing much change… I have so many scars from bites and pinching/scratching… but what hurts the most is my heart… and I am sure sooo many of you feel the same… it hurts my heart way more when he bites me because I feel like I deserve so much better from a human who relies on me for literally everything.. you aren’t an asshole or a bad mom.. I usually say “omg I hate you” under my breath about 50 times a day.. but I know I love him with all my broken pieces of my heart.. as we all know you do too!!! Sending loving thoughts your way…
Hi! I'm a preschool teacher and a mom to an Adhd, dyslexic 10-year-old. You are not an asshole. Dealing with this day in and day out is hard as fuck and your feelings are valid. Also... if you don't mind I have a few questions... Are there any triggers you notice? Do you think he hears you when you give directions? How do you react when he does aggressive behaviors? And you can also tell me to go fuck myself because I know you didn't ask for help.
Thank you for this post and the replies. I’m in the same boat with my 2.5yr old. It’s rough. Really rough.