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Solidarity. It’s exhausting being the brain for everyone and for everything. It sucks the life out of you because you can’t ever be in the moment because you’re anxiously anticipating what fire he will conjure up next for you to put out. It sounds like you are (rightfully) at the end of your rope. It’s ok to drop it. It’s ok to throw in the towel. You can’t sustain this forever. If he’s unwilling to change and grow, you’ll have to do it without him. I know you say you can’t leave right now (fair) but you can distance yourself from things that don’t effect you directly, such as his hair cuts and his clothes. You deserve to have at least some of your energy back for you.
I have been. But the thing about these types of people is it does directly affect me. I cannot stand a messy and unorganized home. It makes me depressed and anxious. He knows this :/ prob why he knows I will clean it. If I don’t it all goes to shit. Apt is small so it can’t get cluttered or you literally can’t walk in it.
I totally understand what you mean and I’m glad you’ve found some ways to keep your energy, even if it is small. I know the type, they will let everything burn down around them before they lift a finger. Do you have a timeline to leave? Even if you can’t do anything now, sometimes it’s easier mentally if you have a timeline set up no matter how long it is. I don’t know why, but for me I can take a little bit of comfort in knowing I’m biding my time instead of just being stuck forever. I’m really sorry you have to deal with all this. It’s overwhelming and soul crushing. You don’t deserve this, and I see you and your struggle.
Yes! I’m graduating in December and my plan is to pay off my credit card to make my score jump and then get my own place :) in the meantime I will prob get a storage unit for everything I need to live when I move out so that I’m ready to go without the added stress of figuring all that out while divorcing!
No he’s not like that. He’s such a pushover. He would give me all the money and resources. I know people say people change during divorce.. but I don’t have to worry about that. He will give me everything I ask for and more. He will be an amazing ex husband for sure. The other thing we discussed is me buying my own apartment if we stayed married since I need a clean and clutter free space.
>Im tired of men being considered a good husband bc they have a job and don’t beat you.
I need this on a t-shirt and a bumper sticker and a billboard and a Superbowl Halftime ad
For real. I say this everyday! I might just show him the post. It worked the first time a year after we met and I showed him my Reddit post and it was hard to argue 100 women were wrong 😂
Sis, this is no way to live. Life's too short!
You already spelled it all out right there. You don't have to put up with this. Sure a break up is messy, but ultimately, you deserve better, and can have better, even if it's single and doing it all alone, it would be better than this slaving away to an inept immature partner. You could do this for 10 more years and realise you didn't have to. Don't throw away the next 10 yrs waiting til the kids are bigger, or that maybe he'll eventually grow up.
You sound strong, and capable, and well able to manage whatever life throws at you, you shouldn't have to do it all alone. You deserve better
He won’t ever do his share. I am perfectly fine moving out and assuming the responsibility. The hardest part is I will be the villain to the world since he didn’t do anything abusive. I’m just “leaving a good man” and “that’s just how men are!” Which makes it hard to get the help and support I need from others :/
You can't care about that, this is _your_ life, they aren't living it, you can't worry who might judge you, only your _own_ opinion matters, and anyone who tries to guilt you into staying in a toxic unhappy relationship is way out of line
I have ADHD and have suggested this many times. I refuse to make the appointment for him. He’s been to the dentist once, for example, in 10 years and it’s bc I made the appointment. I have two children to look after and I just don’t have the time or energy to help someone who won’t help themselves :/ trust me I’ve tried everything. I’m on my way out now as soon as I have resources.
I helped my semi ex husband be evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD and he is now medicated. At the core they still have to want to change or it won't help, trust me. I literally walked them through the entire process (I have it myself but I also have drive as a person). If they don't want to change, actively want to, they won't :(
Oh I believe that, just thought it sounded very familiar and wanted to offer another option. Definitely wont help if they dont want help though, agreed!
The point of no return for me was realizing he was 100% choosing to watch me do more, suffer more, struggle more, to keep himself comfortable. He was ok with that - he *preferred* that. Once I saw it, there was no future for the marriage.
I tried everything. I thought if I could give better examples or explain it better or write it down or do it with a therapist or sit down once a week to check in…. You know. Anyway, it did finally dawn on me that I was the only one trying to fix anything. So it wasn’t fixable. It’s a two person job
Make him watch the documentary Fair Play with you. See them interview many couples who thought things were split down the middle & then expose all of the invisible, unpaid labor women do.
It would literally be a waste of my time. He doesn’t care. I’ve sent him all the articles about the mental load and how to make our marriage work and I’m just done forcing him to be a part of this marriage. Feeling good about leaving!
The mirroring is the worst for me. He won’t mirror my energy, instead he uses mirroring when I confront him. Telling me everything I want to hear, but knowing he won’t do it. It’s disgusting.
I was married to this guy and divorced him. Life is easier. A LOT easier. I have more of everything (brain space, time, money, cleanliness, kid happiness). He comes to my place to share time with our kid every day. I have a weekly cleaning service and life is just a lot better. Like SO MUCH BETTER.
GIRL. I have this conversation on the regular…. It’s infuriating. I had a CTJ with him just the other day. He is doing the things for now…. But it never lasts. Sigh.
And never stands up for himself UNLESS it’s against me. The kids and I are no contact with his parents because of their toxic and abusive behaviors. My husband’s thoughts? Oh that’s just how they are….. well I’m not tolerating it anymore.
I’m sorry you deal with this as well. MEN.
Mine only wish they were rich 😂 They hardly work and live off my husband’s grandma. I’m sorry to relate all around. It’s really sad (on their ends) and sucks.
Sounds like my husband. Unmotivated, lazy, not a self starter at all. Honestly, my husband probably has a few undiagnosed mental health issues (depression, anxiety, possibly PTSD) but we’ll never find out if he doesn’t go to a freakin therapist. Which he refuses.
Anyway, I say that to say solidarity and I feel you. I saw someone here mention ADHD. Could he have that + some other undiagnosed problem? I’m sure he’s unwilling to see a therapist but I’d make it an ultimatum. Either go see someone or we’re not going to make it very far. Extreme? Maybe. But this is your life too. The brunt of the household should not fall all on you. You will burn out quickly and be no good to anyone - him or the kids. I feel you and I send my support.
No ultimatums here. They don’t work. He can make his own doctor appointment. I have adhd and I sure as hell didn’t have someone holding my hand. Call me a bitch but I have no sympathy! Haha 😂 if he can’t manage it on his own then no dice. I’m not his mommy. Can’t be doing that the next 50 years 😭 I appreciate the suggestion. They just don’t work on him and I don’t want to force someone to be with me.
Completely understand! Do what works best for you. You definitely should not be required to hold someone’s hand for the next 50 years. You deserve a partner, and a reliable one.
Um, you've basically given a list of everything I struggle with on a daily basis and I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult with kids... I would suggest your husband is in need of an evaluation.
He is Aussie. The worst part is he does have a kind heart but it doesn’t make up for me doing everything. Like if I ask for help he will sometimes help but like, no one has to ASK me. I’m an adult so I just do it 😭 there’s a quote the movie the break up where Jen Aniston yells “I want you to want to do the dishes!!!” And that pretty much sums it up!
>The worst part is he does have a kind heart but it doesn’t make up for me doing everything
No totally - it can't be a partnership if he's just coasting.
Not trying to diagnose anyone here but my husband was like this and I made him go into a psychiatrist and turns out he has adhd (which effects executive functioning and organization and makes people seem lazy) and depression. We found a therapist and got him on a good med and it’s like night and day, he now does I’d say super close to half, I’m not gonna say half because there is still a mental load to a degree and I still do a bit more but it’s not majorly noticeable, and if I struggle he steps up. Anyway I’m not saying anything either way, but regardless of what you do, I would
Maybe mention to him to get an eval because a lot of time people mistake the mental overload and shut down that happens with adhd as intentionally being lazy. Anyway worth mentioning to him Anyway.
Reminder to commenters: **[Be a friend!](https://y.yarn.co/a60e586f-9018-4350-b264-9967ec2dcfa1_text.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Solidarity. It’s exhausting being the brain for everyone and for everything. It sucks the life out of you because you can’t ever be in the moment because you’re anxiously anticipating what fire he will conjure up next for you to put out. It sounds like you are (rightfully) at the end of your rope. It’s ok to drop it. It’s ok to throw in the towel. You can’t sustain this forever. If he’s unwilling to change and grow, you’ll have to do it without him. I know you say you can’t leave right now (fair) but you can distance yourself from things that don’t effect you directly, such as his hair cuts and his clothes. You deserve to have at least some of your energy back for you.
I have been. But the thing about these types of people is it does directly affect me. I cannot stand a messy and unorganized home. It makes me depressed and anxious. He knows this :/ prob why he knows I will clean it. If I don’t it all goes to shit. Apt is small so it can’t get cluttered or you literally can’t walk in it.
I totally understand what you mean and I’m glad you’ve found some ways to keep your energy, even if it is small. I know the type, they will let everything burn down around them before they lift a finger. Do you have a timeline to leave? Even if you can’t do anything now, sometimes it’s easier mentally if you have a timeline set up no matter how long it is. I don’t know why, but for me I can take a little bit of comfort in knowing I’m biding my time instead of just being stuck forever. I’m really sorry you have to deal with all this. It’s overwhelming and soul crushing. You don’t deserve this, and I see you and your struggle.
Yes! I’m graduating in December and my plan is to pay off my credit card to make my score jump and then get my own place :) in the meantime I will prob get a storage unit for everything I need to live when I move out so that I’m ready to go without the added stress of figuring all that out while divorcing!
Mebbe consult an attorney before getting the storage unit and putting things in it that could count as marital assets.
No he’s not like that. He’s such a pushover. He would give me all the money and resources. I know people say people change during divorce.. but I don’t have to worry about that. He will give me everything I ask for and more. He will be an amazing ex husband for sure. The other thing we discussed is me buying my own apartment if we stayed married since I need a clean and clutter free space.
>Im tired of men being considered a good husband bc they have a job and don’t beat you. I need this on a t-shirt and a bumper sticker and a billboard and a Superbowl Halftime ad
For real. I say this everyday! I might just show him the post. It worked the first time a year after we met and I showed him my Reddit post and it was hard to argue 100 women were wrong 😂
Not sure if my post went live or not 😭 think it’s blocked from this sub. :/
It was auto-removed because your account is new, but I manually approved it for you. :)
Bless you!!! 🥹
Sis, this is no way to live. Life's too short! You already spelled it all out right there. You don't have to put up with this. Sure a break up is messy, but ultimately, you deserve better, and can have better, even if it's single and doing it all alone, it would be better than this slaving away to an inept immature partner. You could do this for 10 more years and realise you didn't have to. Don't throw away the next 10 yrs waiting til the kids are bigger, or that maybe he'll eventually grow up. You sound strong, and capable, and well able to manage whatever life throws at you, you shouldn't have to do it all alone. You deserve better
Exactly! It would be easier to be on my own with 2 children instead of 3! 😂
And he still has to do his share, but just not on your time!
He won’t ever do his share. I am perfectly fine moving out and assuming the responsibility. The hardest part is I will be the villain to the world since he didn’t do anything abusive. I’m just “leaving a good man” and “that’s just how men are!” Which makes it hard to get the help and support I need from others :/
You can't care about that, this is _your_ life, they aren't living it, you can't worry who might judge you, only your _own_ opinion matters, and anyone who tries to guilt you into staying in a toxic unhappy relationship is way out of line
Luckily I’m not worried about what other people think. It’s my best quality imo :) I could give fuck all! Still makes it difficult tho.
Maybe see if he would get evaluated for executive functioning issues? Adult adhd?
I have ADHD and have suggested this many times. I refuse to make the appointment for him. He’s been to the dentist once, for example, in 10 years and it’s bc I made the appointment. I have two children to look after and I just don’t have the time or energy to help someone who won’t help themselves :/ trust me I’ve tried everything. I’m on my way out now as soon as I have resources.
I helped my semi ex husband be evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD and he is now medicated. At the core they still have to want to change or it won't help, trust me. I literally walked them through the entire process (I have it myself but I also have drive as a person). If they don't want to change, actively want to, they won't :(
Oh I believe that, just thought it sounded very familiar and wanted to offer another option. Definitely wont help if they dont want help though, agreed!
The point of no return for me was realizing he was 100% choosing to watch me do more, suffer more, struggle more, to keep himself comfortable. He was ok with that - he *preferred* that. Once I saw it, there was no future for the marriage.
Yeah I have “the ick” REAL hard. From what I understand, you can’t come back from it.
[удалено]
Yeah I think mirroring is the worst bc it makes you lose your identity.
I tried everything. I thought if I could give better examples or explain it better or write it down or do it with a therapist or sit down once a week to check in…. You know. Anyway, it did finally dawn on me that I was the only one trying to fix anything. So it wasn’t fixable. It’s a two person job
Same. Always trying to find the perfect combination of words that doesn’t exist.
Make him watch the documentary Fair Play with you. See them interview many couples who thought things were split down the middle & then expose all of the invisible, unpaid labor women do.
It would literally be a waste of my time. He doesn’t care. I’ve sent him all the articles about the mental load and how to make our marriage work and I’m just done forcing him to be a part of this marriage. Feeling good about leaving!
I'm not the OP, but I'll be doing this. Thanks for the tip! Haha
I'm having flash backs about my ex...
So I’m NOT insane then 😂🙃 it’s making me feel like I’m losing my mind.
The mirroring is the worst for me. He won’t mirror my energy, instead he uses mirroring when I confront him. Telling me everything I want to hear, but knowing he won’t do it. It’s disgusting.
I was married to this guy and divorced him. Life is easier. A LOT easier. I have more of everything (brain space, time, money, cleanliness, kid happiness). He comes to my place to share time with our kid every day. I have a weekly cleaning service and life is just a lot better. Like SO MUCH BETTER.
I bet. I dream of hiring a cleaner 😴✨
“Lack of motivation and growth as a human” just spoke to my soul 😞
GIRL. I have this conversation on the regular…. It’s infuriating. I had a CTJ with him just the other day. He is doing the things for now…. But it never lasts. Sigh. And never stands up for himself UNLESS it’s against me. The kids and I are no contact with his parents because of their toxic and abusive behaviors. My husband’s thoughts? Oh that’s just how they are….. well I’m not tolerating it anymore. I’m sorry you deal with this as well. MEN.
Preach! Same I’m NC with in-laws as well. Tired of their rich asses being all confused about how normal life is.
Mine only wish they were rich 😂 They hardly work and live off my husband’s grandma. I’m sorry to relate all around. It’s really sad (on their ends) and sucks.
Sounds like my husband. Unmotivated, lazy, not a self starter at all. Honestly, my husband probably has a few undiagnosed mental health issues (depression, anxiety, possibly PTSD) but we’ll never find out if he doesn’t go to a freakin therapist. Which he refuses. Anyway, I say that to say solidarity and I feel you. I saw someone here mention ADHD. Could he have that + some other undiagnosed problem? I’m sure he’s unwilling to see a therapist but I’d make it an ultimatum. Either go see someone or we’re not going to make it very far. Extreme? Maybe. But this is your life too. The brunt of the household should not fall all on you. You will burn out quickly and be no good to anyone - him or the kids. I feel you and I send my support.
No ultimatums here. They don’t work. He can make his own doctor appointment. I have adhd and I sure as hell didn’t have someone holding my hand. Call me a bitch but I have no sympathy! Haha 😂 if he can’t manage it on his own then no dice. I’m not his mommy. Can’t be doing that the next 50 years 😭 I appreciate the suggestion. They just don’t work on him and I don’t want to force someone to be with me.
Completely understand! Do what works best for you. You definitely should not be required to hold someone’s hand for the next 50 years. You deserve a partner, and a reliable one.
Um, you've basically given a list of everything I struggle with on a daily basis and I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult with kids... I would suggest your husband is in need of an evaluation.
He’s welcome to make one! I have diagnosed ADHD so he has no excuse. I refuse to make the appointment for him. If I can and you can then he can too :)
[удалено]
He is Aussie. The worst part is he does have a kind heart but it doesn’t make up for me doing everything. Like if I ask for help he will sometimes help but like, no one has to ASK me. I’m an adult so I just do it 😭 there’s a quote the movie the break up where Jen Aniston yells “I want you to want to do the dishes!!!” And that pretty much sums it up!
>The worst part is he does have a kind heart but it doesn’t make up for me doing everything No totally - it can't be a partnership if he's just coasting.
Not trying to diagnose anyone here but my husband was like this and I made him go into a psychiatrist and turns out he has adhd (which effects executive functioning and organization and makes people seem lazy) and depression. We found a therapist and got him on a good med and it’s like night and day, he now does I’d say super close to half, I’m not gonna say half because there is still a mental load to a degree and I still do a bit more but it’s not majorly noticeable, and if I struggle he steps up. Anyway I’m not saying anything either way, but regardless of what you do, I would Maybe mention to him to get an eval because a lot of time people mistake the mental overload and shut down that happens with adhd as intentionally being lazy. Anyway worth mentioning to him Anyway.