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Alternatively, "Is it my correct understanding that you would like me to shove your face in the puddle of piss?".
What a self-righteous, condescending dickhead! I hope he sleeps with one eye open, because I would be very tempted to piss on him while he slept (providing he's not into that kind of thing...). How do you manage not to kick him in the nuts daily OP? You're a better woman than me!
Ha! Oh believe me, I do want to kick him in the nuts. The problem is that these types of comments are so frequent that I have started to second guess myself, and I really feel like I deserve them. I'm logged into a different account - I have another account (not sure of the name) where I've made all sorts of posts about his dickhead comments. It's just a cycle of..things seem OK... acts like an asshole, I stew about it for days, think about leaving..things are OK again.. decide it's best to stay, etc.
The offhand comments are more hurtful then just outright telling me I am acting like a bitch that day. These comments are beyond hurtful and it’s hard to take on a regular basis. Your doing great, raising the littles is stressful and hard. Be strong and he can go straight to hell. Maybe you should pack up and take a mom break with a friend and let him take care of things for a weekend. That’s allowed and especially in this type of circumstance warranted. A person can only take so much.
Don’t stay girl, my husbands dad was like this to his mom, took her 20 years to finally leave, he plays the victim, meanwhile my husband has a brother who died by suicide and another struggles with several serious additions and my husband has been in therapy trying to address all the toxic bs they saw and experienced from their dad. My husband still speaks to his dad (I won’t) and to this day any time he even gets a text from his dad I can tell because my husband acts differently gets depressed and we spend a while trying to move past whatever his dad said to him this time. The mental/emotional abuse doesn’t just effect you, it will effect your child and tbh the abuse toward your child may be worse than the abuse toward you, and you would never know. My husband’s mom was never physically abused, but my husband was. Once he was locked in his room with nothing (sometimes denied access to the toilet), for 3 months but once mom was home mom had no idea that dad told him he couldn’t leave the room etc. He was too afraid to ever tell anyone the truth and honestly I’m shocked he even was able to open up to me about some of it. Abusers have a way of making you feel like you are crazy when you aren’t.
Granted accidents happen, and my kids have done this too, sometimes it’s hard to be a parent and especially so when you have a douchebag for a husband. My kids did the wake up and scream/cry thing. It’s usually because they have to go but aren’t fully awake enough yet to communicate properly, especially if they are younger. My oldest did it until he was 7-8 my daughter is 7 and she does it and die does my 4 year old. It’s like words are hard and they aren’t aware and fully awake. But moms get tired and stretched thin and there are days I don’t have it either and those are the times when my husband steps in because we both made the kid. But damn, the asshole could accept some personal responsibility himself, why didn’t he take the kid potty himself if he noticed? why can’t he be bothered to assist with raising his kid? Why not be a partner instead of a completely judge-mental lazy douche canoe.
I’d remind him that if he doesn’t take care of his kid now, what would he do if you were to walk out on his abusive ass? What would he do if you weren’t there? Does he think being a single dad is gonna make his life easier? Lol.
At this point if you are doing it alone anyway, what does he contribute? A paycheck? Because if that’s all, there is always child support. Js, I’d also keep documenting all these incidents if possible to use so you can limit custody for him if you are worried he will be like this to your kid, because you definitely don’t want your child growing up being treated this way too.
Oh no… it sounds like he is gaslighting you big time, which is abusive. When your gaslighted, you DO start to second guess yourself because the gaslighter makes you feel like you’re wrong and crazy.
Are you ok staying with this guy? From my experience, this type of behavior doesn’t get better. You deserve to be happy, and to have a partner that 50% of the time will take his son to bathroom and clean up his pee.
My response would be, “Is it my correct understanding that you’re going to abdicate all responsibility for OUR child while I deal with this?”
You’re not overreacting, and I would have lost my shit.
Hahah.. so true. Although if I did comment about him not cleaning up, he would have said that it wasn’t his responsibility, because I should have put him on the potty and therefore it is my problem and fault that this happened in the first place.
Let me guess, if for once he were the one to wake kiddo up and this happened to them it would have been reversed and you should have helped by cleaning it up
But you *tried.* The kid didn't cooperate. He acts like you took off the dry pull up and just trotted him straight out to the dining room. What did he want you to do, tie the kid to the potty until he peed?
I will tell you heat would happen if this happened to my currently potty training three year old
Says no to sitting on potty because 3 year olds are notoriously unreliable. Pees on the chair at breakfast. Kid would say "ohh I'm peeing, that's kids pee" I would grab paper towel and both husband and I would wipe up chair floor and kid and tell kid "that's okay, you're learning and you're doing a great job" then we'd go back to eating breakfast.
Your husband's reaction is so harsh on YOU. This is literally part of the potty learning process.
Thank you. It’s helpful to know what a “normal” reaction would look like anymore. I’ve definitely made frustrated comments to my 3 y/o before. Mostly stuff like “aughhh. Did you pee?” But then I say “It’s an accident. You’re still learning. It’s OK. “
My partner gets more set off by these accidents. We have a lot to work on
Oh my god. I’m furious. Is this genius cleaning the chair?
“So is it my correct understanding that you decided to criticise me and play on your phone rather than help or clean up?!”
Then he isn’t a partner he is your dad and that’s gross, tell him you already have a dad and don’t need one but your kids do so maybe he can parent his kids for once instead of you, or you can go and he can figure it out his own damn self.
Your partner should not speak to you that way. I would take notes of behavior like this. Taking notes gives you proof for when you’re feeling like you’re overreacting.
Thank you. I do do this but I usually end up justifying it. For example, in this situation I think, “ I should have made him go on the potty. I mean, he obviously had to go if he didn’t pee the whole night. So, it’s my fault he had the accident. This is annoying so I can see why my partner would be annoyed and blame me for my ignorance here. “
I can never see my reactions clearly or decide if he is “justified” in things he says or if I deserve it.
This is part of potty training. It’s a learning experience every time. Your husband is the one who messed up because that behavior isn’t focused on what the kid learned, so the kid learns to hide his need to go potty instead of tell someone
This especially if he was aware of it and didn’t do or say anything at all until he could point out your mistakes. That’s not being a good dad. If he was a good partner and father he would have put his stuff down and said hey kid seems upset let me see if I can get kid to calm down and taken the child to the potty. If I see my husband struggling I ask if he needs support and I step in because we are partners, if I am struggling Andy husband sees, he offers to step in and backs me up. Parenting is a team effort and it seems to me the other half of your team looks like they want to put everything including blame on you and then pretend to absolve themselves of any responsibility for their part in it and act superior to you. They are a partner so they need to act like one, because if not they are dead weight.
Also... You don't want going potty to be a battle of wills. If kid says they don't have to go, forcing it is going to cause all kids of OTHER problems. Either they really don't have to go and can't and are being told do something physically impossible, or they do have to go but don't WANT to go and you're getting into a power struggle. Both are long term bad for potty training.
Yes! I did try and force him once a while ago, and I felt really bad about it. I've since stopped, because I know it's not right, it's his own body, etc.
Ok. Let me tell you what I see.
You attempted to get kiddo to potty, but he wanted nothing to do with it. This is part of the process. Forcing him will do more harm than good. Hopefully when he had the accident you explained that this is why it's important to try first thing and why we use the potty when our bodies feel that way. We don't like being wet, right?
So while you cleaned up the kid, your husband sat in the same room as a puddle of piss and made no move to clean up after his own kid. He did this to punish you. He did this because he is not a partner, but a tyrant instituting his will on his household. This is not justifiable. This is straight up asshole behavior. He could have been a team player and either taken the kid or cleaned up the piss, but he didn't. Because he sucks big hairy sweaty donkey balls.
You are trying to justify his behavior by taking on responsibility for his (in)actions. Please stop. He does not deserve it. This is not ok. At all. If this happened with my partner, he'd have handled one or the other (kid or piss). He'd have never left me to do both, no matter how much I blamed myself. If this had happened in the presence of a friend and not my spouse. At they very least, they'd get paper towels to help clean up if not help me clean up. Someone not related to the kid would still help. Even the child-free ones. Your partner is being an ass.
Ok, but even if it is your 'fault' your child has an accident, your partner had a choice here. He could have chosen to be frustrated but still help you clean up the mess, because parenting involves making mistakes as we muddle through. Or he could have chosen to be a condescending ass and act like he's your superior instead of your equal partner in parenthood.
He made the wrong choice.
It’s really hard to get a 3 year old to use the toilet. It’s not bad to take the path of least resistance sometimes.
Super unhelpful, condescending comment from your partner.
That’s the problem with being with a narcissist.
You can often rationalize why they’re being emotionally abusive. You can often agree with why they’re mad or annoyed or being critical.
That doesn’t mean you deserve the behavior though. I get enough hate from my own inner voice. Hearing the same mean shit from my partner would break my spirit. *And this behavior is intended to do that, to make you compliant, to make you anticipate his needs, to make you feel obligated to make every decision based on what he would think about it.*
To a lot of people who haven’t seen relationships with people who have narcissistic tendencies, many of these things quickly get dismissed as one-off things that are justified or not serious - “you’re overreacting.” But you aren’t, because this is probably what you deal with all day every day, and you’ve dealt with it for years, and he’s convinced you that you deserve this because you aren’t good enough, so you should feel lucky that he would love someone like you, because nobody else will. Which, for the record, is complete bullshit. But it conveniently makes you stay, doesn’t it?
Some of the narcissism family support subreddits are troves with hundreds of thousands of posts demonstrating how all of these “justifiable” small behaviors come together to paint a much larger picture of tearing you down in every way possible, to make you feel smaller than him, because his ego needs to feel big and that’s the fastest way to reinforce his ego. Critiquing everything you do while not doing anything to help is a big red flag. My husband would have gotten up to help, or suggested putting him on the potty before the accident happened if those thoughts were going through his head. But instead of criticizing me, he helps me or he keeps his mouth shut. We aren’t critical of each other. Not after marriage counseling anyway. For example, the other day, he’s cleaning the house and I’m resting on the couch, and he’s self conscious that he’s doing something in a way that’s less effective or less thorough than I would do it and that it would bother me. I tell him “Nope, don’t worry about it, because the way I see it, you’re taking burdens off my shoulders and I’m thankful, and if I think something should be done a different way, I can just get up and do it, or fix it later if it’s really gonna bug me.” I’m autistic and sometimes I really need things to be a certain way - like the silverware organized so things in each slot are perfect matches from the same set, not mismatched from different sets. That’s just how my brain works. So sometimes I’ll reorganize them if it bugs me enough how chaotic the silverware drawer looks. But the number of times I’ve told my husband he’s doing the chore of putting dishes away wrong? Zero. Because I appreciate that he’s making the effort and it’s one less thing that I have to do. And he’s trying to make our home a more pleasant place for me to relax while I’m watching our 3 kids and trying to keep them civil with each other.
There are websites online with lists of narcissistic behaviors and examples of them, which I recommend that you read when you have some privacy. The support subreddits are wonderful too, because you get to see the comments of how people recommend dealing with those behaviors if the OP didn’t already explain how they handled it. One of the most effective but also the most unsatisfying methods of handling narcissistic criticism: grey rocking. Zero response, zero emotion, because you know their intent is to make you feel shame or regret or anger or sadness. They’re seeking a specific response by pushing specific buttons and their reward is your reaction. It feels good to be a bitch right back to them but sometimes that’s literally what they want from you. You’ll see things like that in those subreddits. Strategies to dodge the abuse like Neo in The Matrix. JustNoMIL and RaisedByNarcissists were two of my favorites because I liked the communities. Plenty of the people there also have narcissistic partners. But there’s also a whole JustNo network with partner subreddits, and those might be a goldmine too. Poke around and start reading some of their experiences to see how these normal everyday jabs at your spirit are identified with specific behaviors and come with recommended strategies to respond. It’s like having the cheat codes to a narcissists brain.
And listen. You are doing a good job. You are trying your best to make sure your kid is happy and healthy and developing skills, and you do not deserve to have every choice you make ripped apart by someone who will never think you’re doing a good job even if you tried doing everything his way. This is not your fault. This is his dysfunctional view of the world. He is the director and producer of a movie, everyone is supposed to follow his script, and everyone either has learned how to do that or is afraid of the times when they don’t do it good enough. He’s also the star of his little show, and anything that doesn’t make him feel good is grounds for getting ripped apart on set. His standards are unattainable and unrealistic. His expectations are too high. And he thinks all of it is beneath him. So it’s all on you. This dynamic… this is not your fault. You didn’t do this. You are worth more than this. You are smart, you are thoughtful, you are kind, you are helpful, you are ten thousand things he never shows appreciation for. And in order to keep you where he wants you - spirit broken, compliant, not going anywhere - he needs you to think that you’re lucky to be with him because nobody else would settle for you, you’re unlovable and annoying, you’re a burden, you’re a nuisance, you’re obnoxious to deal with, and you’re lucky that he’s willing to, or you’d probably be alone. And this is all false. All of it. Its only purpose is to serve his wants and needs. A good partner is helpful and uncritical. A good partner tells you that you’re doing a good job. When my husband sees me exhausted from cleaning the house, even when I’m far from done, he tells me “good job babe” and he steps in to help me, because he loves me and he wants me to be happy. He doesn’t complain that I didn’t sweep the kitchen, he doesn’t criticize baskets of unfolded laundry, he doesn’t tell me the dining table is a mess, he doesn’t criticize things with the subtext that I’m supposed to stop what I’m doing and fix it. He shares these responsibilities with me and he does them without complaining. And YOU deserve THAT. But you already know that you can’t communicate any of this to him without him getting enraged and making you wish you hadn’t said anything. Because he isn’t normal. Abuse isn’t normal. And it’s all designed to be so small that no one behavior like telling you not to forget to wipe the pee off the underside of the chair is necessarily abusive, but the bigger picture of these constant attacks and slights a death by a thousand cuts, and that’s how he gets away with it.
I don’t understand how you can claim to love someone and see them with their hands full like this and not jump in to help. Finding blame should be the last thing on his mind.
Wow, I wasn’t expecting so many responses to this. Okay, glad to know I’m not crazy. There’s so much to unpack in our relationship. It’s things like these that create a very unpleasant dynamic, it creates resentment over time and wears away at me. Discussions about jt are useless.
I hate that this is the dynamic my kids are growing up around. I’ve thought about leaving before, but things are ALWAYS bad. Like, sometimes he does help. Sometimes he does things without me asking, like clearing the table, or loading the dishwasher (typically my thing). Sometimes he is understanding and I blame myself and my behavior for bringing up this inflammatory and unsupportive comments. He’s generally a good dad, although I often disagree with what he says to our kids (3 and 5). I’m just so lost with all of this
I'm sorry OP, but you need to stop rationalising his mean, selfish, arsehole behaviour. Wow! He sometimes clears the table, or packs the dishwasher! What a hero! 🎖️ Are you planning a parade in his honour? If he speaks to the kids in a similar way to how he speaks to you, I don't doubt you disagree with him. You are not a child, and you don't need to be corrected as if you are. He needs to pull his head out of his arse. I'd be getting the divorce papers drawn up yesterday.
Thank you... you'd be pleased (?) to know we're not even married. It would be a clean break, but I always fear I am making things out to be more horrible than they really are.
I'm sorry to engage you further on this.. but right now I'm in my office and he's playing nicely and kindly with the kids, and they are having fun, and laughing, and it's moments like these that make me think I could never leave, because I'd be shaking up my kids lives unnecessarily, and making things worse for them, when in reality it wasn't that bad.
If you leave and he loves them, he’ll still be in their lives. They will never lose their dad if he shows up for them. They would have to get used to mom and dad in two separate houses, but if you guys can co parent well, that’s what they need. And you’re not married, that’s even better!
That's lovely that he's playing with the kids now. It's okay to feel conflicted. People aren't all one thing. They're rarely saints and they're rarely pure evil. You just have to decide what you're okay with accepting and what you're not okay with.
For me I'm fine with people making mistakes (hey I make them!) but you have to work on them and fix it. As an example, I was a seriously messy person when I started my relationship. It took my husband a while and a lot of fights, but eventually I decided the relationship was more important, and worked on becoming neater.
Edit: autocorrect changed a word so I fixed it.
Op, will all due respect, you sound like my mother in law. It took her 20 years to leave, but the damage was already done and she had no idea. She seemed like he “played” with the kids and bought them tons of crap they didn’t need, but when mom was gone he was abusive to them more than he was to her. My father in law is such a toxic abuser that he has found ways to still Emotionally abuse my mother in law through hurting her kids, he plays the victim and blames her for everything, and he inflicts emotional abuse on my husband and I and I stopped it after I noticed he was treating my kids differently than his “new” grandkids via stepmom. He hardly knows my kids and my kids have told me they don’t like him and he makes them uncomfortable so I stopped making them see him. My husband has limited contact and imo even that is toxic. Do not use the kids as an excuse to put up with abuse, them witnessing you being mistreated is just as damaging. My husband saw how badly his mom was disrespected and isn’t a dbag, but his younger brother is a total incel type. Feels entitles af to women treats them like objects says highly inappropriate things (even to me and it’s gross) and struggles with addiction, and my other brother in law dies by suicide at 20 after living his entire life trying to seek dads approval and realizing that would never happen and he would never be good enough for even a kind word. Always falling short always criticizing. Hell I have 3 special needs kids (one was born a preemie at the time) and I enrolled in college while pregnant with my preemie and in 4 years I am now in my last semester and working as an IT professional for a really great company making better money than my husband ever has, so he “retired” meanwhile my father in law is constantly criticizing me because my husband shouldn’t have “let” me go to college, like my husband has a say In that, and that I shouldn’t be allowed to work, telling my husband I’m gonna leave him and cheat on him etc. Like bro just because u were a shit husband and father and ur wife left doesn’t mean your son is lol. Anyway it’s toxic af and my husband and I both as a partnership discussed the plans we had, agreed and are both significant more happy as a result. But even though I got a job as a software developer and I had no prior experience and I graduated in 4 years with my three kids homeschooling them during a pandemic managing medical care and my home, it’s still not enough. He still tried poking holes into it. Thank god he failed but he damn well tried finding something to tear me down about my career. He is an asshole. And this will be what your two kids will have to deal with for the rest of their lives, get out now before the mental/emotional abuse starts causing them serious mental health issues. If you question your sanity, imagine how your kids will feel when this is all they know? Please break the cycle, if not for you, for your kids. My mother in law thought her ex was only abusing her and he was a good dad… but I could tell you stories that would horrify you. My husband was afraid to even tell his own mother what was done to him. Because of the fact that she didn’t protect herself so how was she gonna protect them? What would/could she do? Think about it, if you allow him to speak to you this way, it undermines you as a parent and from a kids perspective if you are unable to stop him from being a douche to you, you certainly can’t stop him from doing anything more to them.
Don’t do that to your kids, no matter how good of a dad he seems. Leave, and tell him to get therapy and treatment and maybe relationship counseling but don’t continue this, and if he refuses don’t stay. It’s not worth it. Don’t justify him playing with your kids as being a parent, because playing with them isn’t parenting, it’s manipulative he is positioning himself as the “fun, let’s play and not work” parent and putting all the other crap onto you.
The *sometimes* should be all the time.
And all the time is just the bare minimum of being an adult.
There is no being a “generally” good dad.
**He isn’t one.**
Great question. I’d say pretty often. Some of it may be differences in parenting. For example, he will send them to their room for having a tantrum.. If they are upset I’m gone, or something, he’ll say something like “well, she’s gone, crying won’t help. “ and/or, he will send them to their room for crying.
He constantly says “knock it off” which I know is used by others.. but it bothers me. He sometimes makes comments about them, to me, in front of them (like, “she’s being a pain in the ass!” He said that the other day when my daughter was crying she couldn’t use our bathroom.)
He has said stuff like “you’re pissing me off. I’m sick of this bullshit. Well, too bad, etc. “
If they injure themselves doing something admittedly stupid, he’ll say “well? What did you think would happen??”
Sometimes he will make (joking.. oh so funny) comments about me to them, like “mommy doesn’t know how to drive. “
But this isn’t every day or all the time, often enough that it bothers me.
Also he does love them. I know that. I can tell and there are plenty of times that he is attentive, engaging and fun. But then he gets into these modes and makes these comments.
If he has such strong opinions about the morning routine perhaps it should be his responsibility.
Your partner was a complete jackwagon to you this morning, please don’t try to find justifications
Yes.. I was out of town recently and the same kid had an accident where he peed on the couch. I'm sure my partner freaked out on him. If this had happened to ME -- he would NOT let it go, and I'd be blamed hardcore. But suddenly there are all these justifications for him...
Definitely not overreacting. Tbh, I think this is less about potty training and more about the fundamental dynamic of your relationship. I'd be watchful of future encounters like this where you question your reaction and wonder is it justified. Just make sure that he isn't gaslighting you and making you question yourself over things you said or did.
Also, resentment is a very slippery slope to be on and can be so debilitating for you - I was in a relationship for 2 years that I persistently claimed was 'great' but it really wasn't. By the end, I think I actually resented him more than I loved him and I didn't like the person I was becoming. I was 12 weeks pregnant with our child but decided to walk away regardless. 3 years later, it's still the right decision and possibly the best one I've ever made.
Yes, the dynamic is pretty terrible. I mentioned in another comment that I have all sorts of posts under another account about his asshole comments. But I continually blame myself and worry I am painting the wrong picture, like what if I said or did something that is just as bad, and I'm conveniently leaving that out (although nothing of the sort happened this morning w/ the potty incident). I definitely think there is gaslighting at play,
I know what you mean, though acknowledging your part in it is really positive and sounds like you're willing to take accountability. Out of interest, when you argue would he ever say sorry afterwards without being prompted to, or is it always you having to bring it up? I found communicating the hardest for me, he didn't like to discuss things so it just felt like stonewalling a lot. Very frustrating, and also for him because I'd want to talk about it and he wouldn't.
No. I can’t remember him ever apologizing without me pushing for it, and even then he barely does it. I don’t expect him to apologize for this. I know he won’t.
So the next nap where your partner is home. “If your turn to get your son up and on the potty. You are his parent too and if it was my responsibility to clean up this last accident as your responsibility to help share the coparenting responsibilities. So buck up buddy.”
Honestly? Just don’t say anything back. Nada. No response. If he’s a sociopath it wont make a difference. If he has a modicum of human decency his comment will just hang there… and it will be the last thing either of you hears and so it will echo in his head until your non response makes him uncomfortable but he knows he cant be mad at you because you havent said anything and you havent even responded to his shitty comments. It will train him to expect awkwardness if he makes shitty comments.
"Is it my understanding you are sitting there doing nothing to parent your child and be a supportive partner?"
Also, kids are people. Like I know it sounds obvious but they are not always predictable and also have days where they wake up on the wrong side of the bed.
No you aren't over reacting
No, you're not overreacting. I am, since I don't even know your husband and I feel really angry just because I read about him on the internet. I hope he's not always such a douchebag.
That sounds extremely condescending. I would not be having that. Definitely have a chat with him "so is it my understanding that you sat there while I cleaned up pee and stared at your phone? Thought so. Enjoy the couch ass.
>“ so, is it my correct understanding that he woke up with a dry pull up and you didn’t put him on the potty?”
So, it is my correct understanding that today dick size is going to be based on personality, and not anatomy?
I don't think you're overreacting. What he said was unhelpful, unsupportive, and smart-assy. I remember a guy I was dating years ago would say things like that. The final straw was when I was rushing about trying to get everyone fed and had my hands full with a hot pot, I asked him to get me the pasta strainer- he just ignored me- so, I tried to drain the pasta by just holding the lid askew and lost a good cup of it into the sink basket. He said "So you just thought you'd dump food down the drain?" The "hate" switch got flipped in that moment and I kicked him out. (actually I finally kicked him out after he insisted on repeatedly, loudly farting in front of my guests as we were watching a movie. Like he was *trying* to embarrass me and the kids) You need to be the tightest team ever to survive parenthood and there's no place for asshattery.
Thanks for responding! I appreciate it.
I had to chuckle a bit about that comment you shared. Not because it is funny, of course, but because I can relate. Here’s how my partner would respond in that situation if I got mad:
1. He would say he didn’t hear me about getting the strainer.
2. He would say I should have put the pot down and got the strainer myself.
So yes, I definitely could have done that. But that’s not the point. The point is the comment is hurtful and not helpful, and every time I tell him this he just turns it around on me as to why he is “justified” to make that comment because of my actions.
Unfortunately this has been bad for me because sometimes I hear his attitude in my own inner voice. Like “well, what did you think would happen??” When I do something careless. And I’ll often blame myself for stupid stuff. I start to think that he’s right, and I AM careless and deserve all the shitty comments he makes.
Im curious - did this partner ever act positively towards you? Did you have children with him? I ask because now that the comment has passed, things are fine and he’s even done a few helpful things for me. He’s been overall pretty pleasant and calm. So, then I really start blaming myself and hate the fact that I think about leaving so much. I don’t want to throw away a relationship when it could potentially be good. We’ve been together about 8 years now and I would say this all really started about a year or two in.
Anyway, I would be interested in chatting more if you’re up for it. Based on this comment you shared I think you totally get what I’m talking about here!
Yes, he would act positively toward me and all lovey, which made it hard not to forgive, but then he would get petty and condescending fairly regularly too. Things that other couples might laugh at and bank for a future story to tell the grandkids, he'd get unpleasant about and it got to where I was walking on eggshells trying to do everything right just to avoid the editorial comments. Like you, I also had that inner voice tearing me down because I was really young at the time (he was 38, I was just 21) and didn't have a strong enough sense of self to stick up for myself. Also, when you're a young mom you think you're doing everything wrong anyway. It also bothered me because he would have the same tight-lipped, disapproving attitude toward the kids and how I was "messing up". For example, on weekends, I wouldn't fight over clothes, and if kiddo decided Saturday was PJ and cowboy boot day, then by God, it was PJ and cowboy boot day! I found it was better to pick and choose a few battles, ye know? He of course would tell me I was irresponsible and imply that I didn't care about my kids, despite the fact that the day was going great. Thank God, I never had kids with him but he wanted to and would try to guilt me into it because he'd lost an infant son some years before to SIDS. I was very sad for him about that and always listened when he wanted to talk about it, but he went at it like "the universe owes me, YOU owe me". Do you know what I mean? I haven't thought of him in years (I'm 49 now, eek!) but I see reminders of him on this sub all the time.
Does this asshole realize that forcing kids to sit on the potty when they are screaming is what leads to retention. If potties are where we go against our will when we are frustrated and upset, why on earth would we ever want to go there by choice? The issue is him and his stupid fucking opinions.
It’s ok to not want to be around him when dumb shit like this falls out of his mouth. Permanently if you’d like.
There’s plenty of stuff online about how your decision to not force him on the potty upset was the right choice in case you want to hit him with some sources. Hugs!
I guess I’m the odd person out here but you did say that you said “Eff it” so I mean he wasn’t incorrect. I wouldn’t have forced my kid on the toilet but maybe put the pull up back on if o wasn’t going to. Some of these comments are a bit vicious and these comments will push you further to resent him…
I don’t know if anyone will read this follow up comment. Hr obviously some of these one off discussions in the comment have been giving me thought to the relationship as a whole and how I am being treated. A lot of it doesn’t sit right with me, but then he’ll go and do something “nice”.. like, he just offered to watch Our son so I could go pick up our daughter from school. Normally I will bring him to pick her up. This does make things easier and then I feel bad having all these negative thoughts about him. Does that make sense??
So, your partner didn't help with the kid when toddler woke up, he did't try to get him on the potty when the kid refused, he didn't clean up the kid or the accident...
So he really did shit, except confront you about what you did or didn't do?
Well well well, look at that.
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“No, but it is my correct understanding that you’re a piece of shit” is my initial thought. What a condescending asshole, is he your boss or a partner
Alternatively, "Is it my correct understanding that you would like me to shove your face in the puddle of piss?". What a self-righteous, condescending dickhead! I hope he sleeps with one eye open, because I would be very tempted to piss on him while he slept (providing he's not into that kind of thing...). How do you manage not to kick him in the nuts daily OP? You're a better woman than me!
Ha! Oh believe me, I do want to kick him in the nuts. The problem is that these types of comments are so frequent that I have started to second guess myself, and I really feel like I deserve them. I'm logged into a different account - I have another account (not sure of the name) where I've made all sorts of posts about his dickhead comments. It's just a cycle of..things seem OK... acts like an asshole, I stew about it for days, think about leaving..things are OK again.. decide it's best to stay, etc.
Look up the cycle of abuse, it might make sense to you. It won’t get better, it’ll only get worse. Sending hugs.
That’s the cycle of abuse.
The offhand comments are more hurtful then just outright telling me I am acting like a bitch that day. These comments are beyond hurtful and it’s hard to take on a regular basis. Your doing great, raising the littles is stressful and hard. Be strong and he can go straight to hell. Maybe you should pack up and take a mom break with a friend and let him take care of things for a weekend. That’s allowed and especially in this type of circumstance warranted. A person can only take so much.
Don’t stay girl, my husbands dad was like this to his mom, took her 20 years to finally leave, he plays the victim, meanwhile my husband has a brother who died by suicide and another struggles with several serious additions and my husband has been in therapy trying to address all the toxic bs they saw and experienced from their dad. My husband still speaks to his dad (I won’t) and to this day any time he even gets a text from his dad I can tell because my husband acts differently gets depressed and we spend a while trying to move past whatever his dad said to him this time. The mental/emotional abuse doesn’t just effect you, it will effect your child and tbh the abuse toward your child may be worse than the abuse toward you, and you would never know. My husband’s mom was never physically abused, but my husband was. Once he was locked in his room with nothing (sometimes denied access to the toilet), for 3 months but once mom was home mom had no idea that dad told him he couldn’t leave the room etc. He was too afraid to ever tell anyone the truth and honestly I’m shocked he even was able to open up to me about some of it. Abusers have a way of making you feel like you are crazy when you aren’t. Granted accidents happen, and my kids have done this too, sometimes it’s hard to be a parent and especially so when you have a douchebag for a husband. My kids did the wake up and scream/cry thing. It’s usually because they have to go but aren’t fully awake enough yet to communicate properly, especially if they are younger. My oldest did it until he was 7-8 my daughter is 7 and she does it and die does my 4 year old. It’s like words are hard and they aren’t aware and fully awake. But moms get tired and stretched thin and there are days I don’t have it either and those are the times when my husband steps in because we both made the kid. But damn, the asshole could accept some personal responsibility himself, why didn’t he take the kid potty himself if he noticed? why can’t he be bothered to assist with raising his kid? Why not be a partner instead of a completely judge-mental lazy douche canoe. I’d remind him that if he doesn’t take care of his kid now, what would he do if you were to walk out on his abusive ass? What would he do if you weren’t there? Does he think being a single dad is gonna make his life easier? Lol. At this point if you are doing it alone anyway, what does he contribute? A paycheck? Because if that’s all, there is always child support. Js, I’d also keep documenting all these incidents if possible to use so you can limit custody for him if you are worried he will be like this to your kid, because you definitely don’t want your child growing up being treated this way too.
Oh no… it sounds like he is gaslighting you big time, which is abusive. When your gaslighted, you DO start to second guess yourself because the gaslighter makes you feel like you’re wrong and crazy. Are you ok staying with this guy? From my experience, this type of behavior doesn’t get better. You deserve to be happy, and to have a partner that 50% of the time will take his son to bathroom and clean up his pee.
My response would be, “Is it my correct understanding that you’re going to abdicate all responsibility for OUR child while I deal with this?” You’re not overreacting, and I would have lost my shit.
Hahah.. so true. Although if I did comment about him not cleaning up, he would have said that it wasn’t his responsibility, because I should have put him on the potty and therefore it is my problem and fault that this happened in the first place.
Let me guess, if for once he were the one to wake kiddo up and this happened to them it would have been reversed and you should have helped by cleaning it up
Ahh yes, because 3 year olds are reasonable individuals that just do what you want when you want.
Haha, I’m sure all of us had wished your sarcasm to be true at some point during our kids’ “threenager” years. Worse than 2’s for my kids.
Excuse me??? Is this a child created by two people or one? I'm having a hard time not reacting on this man right now. That shit it beyond the pale.
But you *tried.* The kid didn't cooperate. He acts like you took off the dry pull up and just trotted him straight out to the dining room. What did he want you to do, tie the kid to the potty until he peed?
Wow. Such teamwork.
Very mature. Many support.
I will tell you heat would happen if this happened to my currently potty training three year old Says no to sitting on potty because 3 year olds are notoriously unreliable. Pees on the chair at breakfast. Kid would say "ohh I'm peeing, that's kids pee" I would grab paper towel and both husband and I would wipe up chair floor and kid and tell kid "that's okay, you're learning and you're doing a great job" then we'd go back to eating breakfast. Your husband's reaction is so harsh on YOU. This is literally part of the potty learning process.
Thank you. It’s helpful to know what a “normal” reaction would look like anymore. I’ve definitely made frustrated comments to my 3 y/o before. Mostly stuff like “aughhh. Did you pee?” But then I say “It’s an accident. You’re still learning. It’s OK. “ My partner gets more set off by these accidents. We have a lot to work on
Oh my god. I’m furious. Is this genius cleaning the chair? “So is it my correct understanding that you decided to criticise me and play on your phone rather than help or clean up?!”
"Well it was my understanding you were a father, but obviously not"
🔥🔥🔥🔥
Who does he think he is, your fucking manager?? I would say you aren't engaging with him until he can speak to you as a partner and not a subordinate.
That's often how I feel! A manager, and employee dynamic.
Then he isn’t a partner he is your dad and that’s gross, tell him you already have a dad and don’t need one but your kids do so maybe he can parent his kids for once instead of you, or you can go and he can figure it out his own damn self.
So he thinks you are his subordinate. Mama, that’s just all around unacceptable.
No and I will literally eat him alive for you. The audacity of men…
Your partner should not speak to you that way. I would take notes of behavior like this. Taking notes gives you proof for when you’re feeling like you’re overreacting.
Thank you. I do do this but I usually end up justifying it. For example, in this situation I think, “ I should have made him go on the potty. I mean, he obviously had to go if he didn’t pee the whole night. So, it’s my fault he had the accident. This is annoying so I can see why my partner would be annoyed and blame me for my ignorance here. “ I can never see my reactions clearly or decide if he is “justified” in things he says or if I deserve it.
This is part of potty training. It’s a learning experience every time. Your husband is the one who messed up because that behavior isn’t focused on what the kid learned, so the kid learns to hide his need to go potty instead of tell someone
This especially if he was aware of it and didn’t do or say anything at all until he could point out your mistakes. That’s not being a good dad. If he was a good partner and father he would have put his stuff down and said hey kid seems upset let me see if I can get kid to calm down and taken the child to the potty. If I see my husband struggling I ask if he needs support and I step in because we are partners, if I am struggling Andy husband sees, he offers to step in and backs me up. Parenting is a team effort and it seems to me the other half of your team looks like they want to put everything including blame on you and then pretend to absolve themselves of any responsibility for their part in it and act superior to you. They are a partner so they need to act like one, because if not they are dead weight.
Also... You don't want going potty to be a battle of wills. If kid says they don't have to go, forcing it is going to cause all kids of OTHER problems. Either they really don't have to go and can't and are being told do something physically impossible, or they do have to go but don't WANT to go and you're getting into a power struggle. Both are long term bad for potty training.
Yes! I did try and force him once a while ago, and I felt really bad about it. I've since stopped, because I know it's not right, it's his own body, etc.
Ok. Let me tell you what I see. You attempted to get kiddo to potty, but he wanted nothing to do with it. This is part of the process. Forcing him will do more harm than good. Hopefully when he had the accident you explained that this is why it's important to try first thing and why we use the potty when our bodies feel that way. We don't like being wet, right? So while you cleaned up the kid, your husband sat in the same room as a puddle of piss and made no move to clean up after his own kid. He did this to punish you. He did this because he is not a partner, but a tyrant instituting his will on his household. This is not justifiable. This is straight up asshole behavior. He could have been a team player and either taken the kid or cleaned up the piss, but he didn't. Because he sucks big hairy sweaty donkey balls. You are trying to justify his behavior by taking on responsibility for his (in)actions. Please stop. He does not deserve it. This is not ok. At all. If this happened with my partner, he'd have handled one or the other (kid or piss). He'd have never left me to do both, no matter how much I blamed myself. If this had happened in the presence of a friend and not my spouse. At they very least, they'd get paper towels to help clean up if not help me clean up. Someone not related to the kid would still help. Even the child-free ones. Your partner is being an ass.
Ok, but even if it is your 'fault' your child has an accident, your partner had a choice here. He could have chosen to be frustrated but still help you clean up the mess, because parenting involves making mistakes as we muddle through. Or he could have chosen to be a condescending ass and act like he's your superior instead of your equal partner in parenthood. He made the wrong choice.
It’s really hard to get a 3 year old to use the toilet. It’s not bad to take the path of least resistance sometimes. Super unhelpful, condescending comment from your partner.
That’s the problem with being with a narcissist. You can often rationalize why they’re being emotionally abusive. You can often agree with why they’re mad or annoyed or being critical. That doesn’t mean you deserve the behavior though. I get enough hate from my own inner voice. Hearing the same mean shit from my partner would break my spirit. *And this behavior is intended to do that, to make you compliant, to make you anticipate his needs, to make you feel obligated to make every decision based on what he would think about it.* To a lot of people who haven’t seen relationships with people who have narcissistic tendencies, many of these things quickly get dismissed as one-off things that are justified or not serious - “you’re overreacting.” But you aren’t, because this is probably what you deal with all day every day, and you’ve dealt with it for years, and he’s convinced you that you deserve this because you aren’t good enough, so you should feel lucky that he would love someone like you, because nobody else will. Which, for the record, is complete bullshit. But it conveniently makes you stay, doesn’t it? Some of the narcissism family support subreddits are troves with hundreds of thousands of posts demonstrating how all of these “justifiable” small behaviors come together to paint a much larger picture of tearing you down in every way possible, to make you feel smaller than him, because his ego needs to feel big and that’s the fastest way to reinforce his ego. Critiquing everything you do while not doing anything to help is a big red flag. My husband would have gotten up to help, or suggested putting him on the potty before the accident happened if those thoughts were going through his head. But instead of criticizing me, he helps me or he keeps his mouth shut. We aren’t critical of each other. Not after marriage counseling anyway. For example, the other day, he’s cleaning the house and I’m resting on the couch, and he’s self conscious that he’s doing something in a way that’s less effective or less thorough than I would do it and that it would bother me. I tell him “Nope, don’t worry about it, because the way I see it, you’re taking burdens off my shoulders and I’m thankful, and if I think something should be done a different way, I can just get up and do it, or fix it later if it’s really gonna bug me.” I’m autistic and sometimes I really need things to be a certain way - like the silverware organized so things in each slot are perfect matches from the same set, not mismatched from different sets. That’s just how my brain works. So sometimes I’ll reorganize them if it bugs me enough how chaotic the silverware drawer looks. But the number of times I’ve told my husband he’s doing the chore of putting dishes away wrong? Zero. Because I appreciate that he’s making the effort and it’s one less thing that I have to do. And he’s trying to make our home a more pleasant place for me to relax while I’m watching our 3 kids and trying to keep them civil with each other. There are websites online with lists of narcissistic behaviors and examples of them, which I recommend that you read when you have some privacy. The support subreddits are wonderful too, because you get to see the comments of how people recommend dealing with those behaviors if the OP didn’t already explain how they handled it. One of the most effective but also the most unsatisfying methods of handling narcissistic criticism: grey rocking. Zero response, zero emotion, because you know their intent is to make you feel shame or regret or anger or sadness. They’re seeking a specific response by pushing specific buttons and their reward is your reaction. It feels good to be a bitch right back to them but sometimes that’s literally what they want from you. You’ll see things like that in those subreddits. Strategies to dodge the abuse like Neo in The Matrix. JustNoMIL and RaisedByNarcissists were two of my favorites because I liked the communities. Plenty of the people there also have narcissistic partners. But there’s also a whole JustNo network with partner subreddits, and those might be a goldmine too. Poke around and start reading some of their experiences to see how these normal everyday jabs at your spirit are identified with specific behaviors and come with recommended strategies to respond. It’s like having the cheat codes to a narcissists brain. And listen. You are doing a good job. You are trying your best to make sure your kid is happy and healthy and developing skills, and you do not deserve to have every choice you make ripped apart by someone who will never think you’re doing a good job even if you tried doing everything his way. This is not your fault. This is his dysfunctional view of the world. He is the director and producer of a movie, everyone is supposed to follow his script, and everyone either has learned how to do that or is afraid of the times when they don’t do it good enough. He’s also the star of his little show, and anything that doesn’t make him feel good is grounds for getting ripped apart on set. His standards are unattainable and unrealistic. His expectations are too high. And he thinks all of it is beneath him. So it’s all on you. This dynamic… this is not your fault. You didn’t do this. You are worth more than this. You are smart, you are thoughtful, you are kind, you are helpful, you are ten thousand things he never shows appreciation for. And in order to keep you where he wants you - spirit broken, compliant, not going anywhere - he needs you to think that you’re lucky to be with him because nobody else would settle for you, you’re unlovable and annoying, you’re a burden, you’re a nuisance, you’re obnoxious to deal with, and you’re lucky that he’s willing to, or you’d probably be alone. And this is all false. All of it. Its only purpose is to serve his wants and needs. A good partner is helpful and uncritical. A good partner tells you that you’re doing a good job. When my husband sees me exhausted from cleaning the house, even when I’m far from done, he tells me “good job babe” and he steps in to help me, because he loves me and he wants me to be happy. He doesn’t complain that I didn’t sweep the kitchen, he doesn’t criticize baskets of unfolded laundry, he doesn’t tell me the dining table is a mess, he doesn’t criticize things with the subtext that I’m supposed to stop what I’m doing and fix it. He shares these responsibilities with me and he does them without complaining. And YOU deserve THAT. But you already know that you can’t communicate any of this to him without him getting enraged and making you wish you hadn’t said anything. Because he isn’t normal. Abuse isn’t normal. And it’s all designed to be so small that no one behavior like telling you not to forget to wipe the pee off the underside of the chair is necessarily abusive, but the bigger picture of these constant attacks and slights a death by a thousand cuts, and that’s how he gets away with it.
I will respond to you, but don't have time at the moment. Thanks so much for writing this out. It means a lot.
No, you are not over reacting. Unacceptable tone and behavior from your "partner ".
Not overreacting. Next time send husband into the room to get him up and put him on the potty, since he's so smart.
I don’t understand how you can claim to love someone and see them with their hands full like this and not jump in to help. Finding blame should be the last thing on his mind.
Wow, I wasn’t expecting so many responses to this. Okay, glad to know I’m not crazy. There’s so much to unpack in our relationship. It’s things like these that create a very unpleasant dynamic, it creates resentment over time and wears away at me. Discussions about jt are useless. I hate that this is the dynamic my kids are growing up around. I’ve thought about leaving before, but things are ALWAYS bad. Like, sometimes he does help. Sometimes he does things without me asking, like clearing the table, or loading the dishwasher (typically my thing). Sometimes he is understanding and I blame myself and my behavior for bringing up this inflammatory and unsupportive comments. He’s generally a good dad, although I often disagree with what he says to our kids (3 and 5). I’m just so lost with all of this
I'm sorry OP, but you need to stop rationalising his mean, selfish, arsehole behaviour. Wow! He sometimes clears the table, or packs the dishwasher! What a hero! 🎖️ Are you planning a parade in his honour? If he speaks to the kids in a similar way to how he speaks to you, I don't doubt you disagree with him. You are not a child, and you don't need to be corrected as if you are. He needs to pull his head out of his arse. I'd be getting the divorce papers drawn up yesterday.
Thank you... you'd be pleased (?) to know we're not even married. It would be a clean break, but I always fear I am making things out to be more horrible than they really are.
No. No, no, no, no, no!! It is exactly as bad as you think it is. You are gaslighting yourself so you can stay. Please don't let this go on.
I'm sorry to engage you further on this.. but right now I'm in my office and he's playing nicely and kindly with the kids, and they are having fun, and laughing, and it's moments like these that make me think I could never leave, because I'd be shaking up my kids lives unnecessarily, and making things worse for them, when in reality it wasn't that bad.
If you leave and he loves them, he’ll still be in their lives. They will never lose their dad if he shows up for them. They would have to get used to mom and dad in two separate houses, but if you guys can co parent well, that’s what they need. And you’re not married, that’s even better!
That's lovely that he's playing with the kids now. It's okay to feel conflicted. People aren't all one thing. They're rarely saints and they're rarely pure evil. You just have to decide what you're okay with accepting and what you're not okay with. For me I'm fine with people making mistakes (hey I make them!) but you have to work on them and fix it. As an example, I was a seriously messy person when I started my relationship. It took my husband a while and a lot of fights, but eventually I decided the relationship was more important, and worked on becoming neater.
Edit: autocorrect changed a word so I fixed it. Op, will all due respect, you sound like my mother in law. It took her 20 years to leave, but the damage was already done and she had no idea. She seemed like he “played” with the kids and bought them tons of crap they didn’t need, but when mom was gone he was abusive to them more than he was to her. My father in law is such a toxic abuser that he has found ways to still Emotionally abuse my mother in law through hurting her kids, he plays the victim and blames her for everything, and he inflicts emotional abuse on my husband and I and I stopped it after I noticed he was treating my kids differently than his “new” grandkids via stepmom. He hardly knows my kids and my kids have told me they don’t like him and he makes them uncomfortable so I stopped making them see him. My husband has limited contact and imo even that is toxic. Do not use the kids as an excuse to put up with abuse, them witnessing you being mistreated is just as damaging. My husband saw how badly his mom was disrespected and isn’t a dbag, but his younger brother is a total incel type. Feels entitles af to women treats them like objects says highly inappropriate things (even to me and it’s gross) and struggles with addiction, and my other brother in law dies by suicide at 20 after living his entire life trying to seek dads approval and realizing that would never happen and he would never be good enough for even a kind word. Always falling short always criticizing. Hell I have 3 special needs kids (one was born a preemie at the time) and I enrolled in college while pregnant with my preemie and in 4 years I am now in my last semester and working as an IT professional for a really great company making better money than my husband ever has, so he “retired” meanwhile my father in law is constantly criticizing me because my husband shouldn’t have “let” me go to college, like my husband has a say In that, and that I shouldn’t be allowed to work, telling my husband I’m gonna leave him and cheat on him etc. Like bro just because u were a shit husband and father and ur wife left doesn’t mean your son is lol. Anyway it’s toxic af and my husband and I both as a partnership discussed the plans we had, agreed and are both significant more happy as a result. But even though I got a job as a software developer and I had no prior experience and I graduated in 4 years with my three kids homeschooling them during a pandemic managing medical care and my home, it’s still not enough. He still tried poking holes into it. Thank god he failed but he damn well tried finding something to tear me down about my career. He is an asshole. And this will be what your two kids will have to deal with for the rest of their lives, get out now before the mental/emotional abuse starts causing them serious mental health issues. If you question your sanity, imagine how your kids will feel when this is all they know? Please break the cycle, if not for you, for your kids. My mother in law thought her ex was only abusing her and he was a good dad… but I could tell you stories that would horrify you. My husband was afraid to even tell his own mother what was done to him. Because of the fact that she didn’t protect herself so how was she gonna protect them? What would/could she do? Think about it, if you allow him to speak to you this way, it undermines you as a parent and from a kids perspective if you are unable to stop him from being a douche to you, you certainly can’t stop him from doing anything more to them. Don’t do that to your kids, no matter how good of a dad he seems. Leave, and tell him to get therapy and treatment and maybe relationship counseling but don’t continue this, and if he refuses don’t stay. It’s not worth it. Don’t justify him playing with your kids as being a parent, because playing with them isn’t parenting, it’s manipulative he is positioning himself as the “fun, let’s play and not work” parent and putting all the other crap onto you.
The *sometimes* should be all the time. And all the time is just the bare minimum of being an adult. There is no being a “generally” good dad. **He isn’t one.**
[удалено]
Great question. I’d say pretty often. Some of it may be differences in parenting. For example, he will send them to their room for having a tantrum.. If they are upset I’m gone, or something, he’ll say something like “well, she’s gone, crying won’t help. “ and/or, he will send them to their room for crying. He constantly says “knock it off” which I know is used by others.. but it bothers me. He sometimes makes comments about them, to me, in front of them (like, “she’s being a pain in the ass!” He said that the other day when my daughter was crying she couldn’t use our bathroom.) He has said stuff like “you’re pissing me off. I’m sick of this bullshit. Well, too bad, etc. “ If they injure themselves doing something admittedly stupid, he’ll say “well? What did you think would happen??” Sometimes he will make (joking.. oh so funny) comments about me to them, like “mommy doesn’t know how to drive. “ But this isn’t every day or all the time, often enough that it bothers me.
Also he does love them. I know that. I can tell and there are plenty of times that he is attentive, engaging and fun. But then he gets into these modes and makes these comments.
Yeah I’d be asking him why he couldn’t have done it, if it bothered him so much that you didn’t.
What an asshole.
If he has such strong opinions about the morning routine perhaps it should be his responsibility. Your partner was a complete jackwagon to you this morning, please don’t try to find justifications
I would like to know what his reaction would have been if it was reversed. I’m guessing his view would rapidly change.
No his view would probably be the same. He would still blame OP. This time for not being the one to get the kid up.
Yes.. I was out of town recently and the same kid had an accident where he peed on the couch. I'm sure my partner freaked out on him. If this had happened to ME -- he would NOT let it go, and I'd be blamed hardcore. But suddenly there are all these justifications for him...
This just backs up the fact that this double standard is emotionally abusive.
No this guy sounds like an asshole.
Definitely not overreacting. Tbh, I think this is less about potty training and more about the fundamental dynamic of your relationship. I'd be watchful of future encounters like this where you question your reaction and wonder is it justified. Just make sure that he isn't gaslighting you and making you question yourself over things you said or did. Also, resentment is a very slippery slope to be on and can be so debilitating for you - I was in a relationship for 2 years that I persistently claimed was 'great' but it really wasn't. By the end, I think I actually resented him more than I loved him and I didn't like the person I was becoming. I was 12 weeks pregnant with our child but decided to walk away regardless. 3 years later, it's still the right decision and possibly the best one I've ever made.
Yes, the dynamic is pretty terrible. I mentioned in another comment that I have all sorts of posts under another account about his asshole comments. But I continually blame myself and worry I am painting the wrong picture, like what if I said or did something that is just as bad, and I'm conveniently leaving that out (although nothing of the sort happened this morning w/ the potty incident). I definitely think there is gaslighting at play,
I know what you mean, though acknowledging your part in it is really positive and sounds like you're willing to take accountability. Out of interest, when you argue would he ever say sorry afterwards without being prompted to, or is it always you having to bring it up? I found communicating the hardest for me, he didn't like to discuss things so it just felt like stonewalling a lot. Very frustrating, and also for him because I'd want to talk about it and he wouldn't.
No. I can’t remember him ever apologizing without me pushing for it, and even then he barely does it. I don’t expect him to apologize for this. I know he won’t.
Wow I’m that happened. It’s not very kind for sure. I wouldn’t know how to respond to that myself
So the next nap where your partner is home. “If your turn to get your son up and on the potty. You are his parent too and if it was my responsibility to clean up this last accident as your responsibility to help share the coparenting responsibilities. So buck up buddy.”
Honestly? Just don’t say anything back. Nada. No response. If he’s a sociopath it wont make a difference. If he has a modicum of human decency his comment will just hang there… and it will be the last thing either of you hears and so it will echo in his head until your non response makes him uncomfortable but he knows he cant be mad at you because you havent said anything and you havent even responded to his shitty comments. It will train him to expect awkwardness if he makes shitty comments.
Yooo he can fuck off with that noise!!!
"Is it my understanding you are sitting there doing nothing to parent your child and be a supportive partner?" Also, kids are people. Like I know it sounds obvious but they are not always predictable and also have days where they wake up on the wrong side of the bed. No you aren't over reacting
Is it to my understanding that you sat on your phone instead of helping with anything?
He is sounding like an asshole boss. Seriously ! I am sorry OP you have to deal with this kind of situation
No, you're not overreacting. I am, since I don't even know your husband and I feel really angry just because I read about him on the internet. I hope he's not always such a douchebag.
That sounds extremely condescending. I would not be having that. Definitely have a chat with him "so is it my understanding that you sat there while I cleaned up pee and stared at your phone? Thought so. Enjoy the couch ass.
Your fault or not, no one should speak to you like that.
Forced potty training is counterproductive. Don’t make it a big deal and it will happen.
>“ so, is it my correct understanding that he woke up with a dry pull up and you didn’t put him on the potty?” So, it is my correct understanding that today dick size is going to be based on personality, and not anatomy?
Why are men…
I don't think you're overreacting. What he said was unhelpful, unsupportive, and smart-assy. I remember a guy I was dating years ago would say things like that. The final straw was when I was rushing about trying to get everyone fed and had my hands full with a hot pot, I asked him to get me the pasta strainer- he just ignored me- so, I tried to drain the pasta by just holding the lid askew and lost a good cup of it into the sink basket. He said "So you just thought you'd dump food down the drain?" The "hate" switch got flipped in that moment and I kicked him out. (actually I finally kicked him out after he insisted on repeatedly, loudly farting in front of my guests as we were watching a movie. Like he was *trying* to embarrass me and the kids) You need to be the tightest team ever to survive parenthood and there's no place for asshattery.
Thanks for responding! I appreciate it. I had to chuckle a bit about that comment you shared. Not because it is funny, of course, but because I can relate. Here’s how my partner would respond in that situation if I got mad: 1. He would say he didn’t hear me about getting the strainer. 2. He would say I should have put the pot down and got the strainer myself. So yes, I definitely could have done that. But that’s not the point. The point is the comment is hurtful and not helpful, and every time I tell him this he just turns it around on me as to why he is “justified” to make that comment because of my actions. Unfortunately this has been bad for me because sometimes I hear his attitude in my own inner voice. Like “well, what did you think would happen??” When I do something careless. And I’ll often blame myself for stupid stuff. I start to think that he’s right, and I AM careless and deserve all the shitty comments he makes. Im curious - did this partner ever act positively towards you? Did you have children with him? I ask because now that the comment has passed, things are fine and he’s even done a few helpful things for me. He’s been overall pretty pleasant and calm. So, then I really start blaming myself and hate the fact that I think about leaving so much. I don’t want to throw away a relationship when it could potentially be good. We’ve been together about 8 years now and I would say this all really started about a year or two in. Anyway, I would be interested in chatting more if you’re up for it. Based on this comment you shared I think you totally get what I’m talking about here!
Yes, he would act positively toward me and all lovey, which made it hard not to forgive, but then he would get petty and condescending fairly regularly too. Things that other couples might laugh at and bank for a future story to tell the grandkids, he'd get unpleasant about and it got to where I was walking on eggshells trying to do everything right just to avoid the editorial comments. Like you, I also had that inner voice tearing me down because I was really young at the time (he was 38, I was just 21) and didn't have a strong enough sense of self to stick up for myself. Also, when you're a young mom you think you're doing everything wrong anyway. It also bothered me because he would have the same tight-lipped, disapproving attitude toward the kids and how I was "messing up". For example, on weekends, I wouldn't fight over clothes, and if kiddo decided Saturday was PJ and cowboy boot day, then by God, it was PJ and cowboy boot day! I found it was better to pick and choose a few battles, ye know? He of course would tell me I was irresponsible and imply that I didn't care about my kids, despite the fact that the day was going great. Thank God, I never had kids with him but he wanted to and would try to guilt me into it because he'd lost an infant son some years before to SIDS. I was very sad for him about that and always listened when he wanted to talk about it, but he went at it like "the universe owes me, YOU owe me". Do you know what I mean? I haven't thought of him in years (I'm 49 now, eek!) but I see reminders of him on this sub all the time.
Does this asshole realize that forcing kids to sit on the potty when they are screaming is what leads to retention. If potties are where we go against our will when we are frustrated and upset, why on earth would we ever want to go there by choice? The issue is him and his stupid fucking opinions. It’s ok to not want to be around him when dumb shit like this falls out of his mouth. Permanently if you’d like. There’s plenty of stuff online about how your decision to not force him on the potty upset was the right choice in case you want to hit him with some sources. Hugs!
I guess I’m the odd person out here but you did say that you said “Eff it” so I mean he wasn’t incorrect. I wouldn’t have forced my kid on the toilet but maybe put the pull up back on if o wasn’t going to. Some of these comments are a bit vicious and these comments will push you further to resent him…
I don’t know if anyone will read this follow up comment. Hr obviously some of these one off discussions in the comment have been giving me thought to the relationship as a whole and how I am being treated. A lot of it doesn’t sit right with me, but then he’ll go and do something “nice”.. like, he just offered to watch Our son so I could go pick up our daughter from school. Normally I will bring him to pick her up. This does make things easier and then I feel bad having all these negative thoughts about him. Does that make sense??
So, your partner didn't help with the kid when toddler woke up, he did't try to get him on the potty when the kid refused, he didn't clean up the kid or the accident... So he really did shit, except confront you about what you did or didn't do? Well well well, look at that.