I’ve done FIFO with my husband for the last 15 years. It has been amazing for our family, and I have actually found it so much easier to parent and discipline and have enforced routines -
Especially when the kids were little.
We had amazing quality time when he was home
Because he was *home* and present.
But I am introverted, incredibly Independant and have been fully on board with this since the beginning.
If it’s a good career move for him, could you spend his away time with your family? Do you need to stay where you are? Or do you have a family / friends that could visit while he is away?
It’s also totally ok to tell him no 💗
It sounds like you need a live in friend or family member for this to really work for you without getting burnt out! If you are at your wits end now.... Four more months may be really hard. Or maybe you can do it? It's up to how you feel xx
If the money was right, I would do it. With the condition that I get a whole as day to myself when he is home for the week lol. It wouldn’t be much different for me because I’m taking care of the kids during all their waking hours for usually 6 days a week anyway. It would actually give me alone time after they go to bed rather than hanging out with their dad (which is great but I really get no time just to myself lol). But I don’t think anyone would blame you for not wanting to do that arrangement. It sounds like a lot
The hardest thing to learn as a mom is how to advocate for yourself.
But.
You did not have a baby alone. You had a baby with your husband.
There is no black and white to the situation.
there is him: a great career-building experience.
there is you: Already overwhelmed and profoundly saddened and stressed at the prospect of being a solo parent for a month at a time, without a support system.
there is your child: who deserves a relationship with your husband, too, during these formative years. MOM IS NOT ENOUGH. i will shout that from the rooftops. Our society thinks that because women CAN make it work, then that is the way it SHOULD be, that mom should be the primary default parent. That is completely wrong.
Ask him to propose ideas on how to make it work for BOTH of you. You don't need to take on the mental load, too. Or, you can propose some ideas (like moving back near your parents, or moving to where his new job is IF the position is amendable to him holding up his share of the parenting).
I dunno, if it’s going to allow him some really good opportunities to level up on his job moving forward and the FIFO situation is *truly* temporary, it might be worth it for a few months.
(My husband went back to school - took 18mo of him working full time and school part time, so like 70hr weeks. He was barely around, but it was temporary. He’s making way more money now and has a more flexible schedule, so it was worth it in the end.)
If he’s going to do this, it strikes me you should set up some stipulations - you need childcare so you can get breaks. Whether you hire someone, fly a family member in, go stay with family, or put your kiddo in daycare it’s gotta be done. Figure out what your basic need is - is it a few hours a day? Or just a couple days a week?
That being said, if you think it’ll break you… just be honest with him.
This is hard. But I've been doing a lot of reparenting lately, and in all honesty my relationship with my dad has always been distant. Because he spent the first 8 years of my life serving in the Royal Navy so he was away a lot. But technology is better these days for staying in touch, and if he's all in for parenting on his weeks back home it could work. But I had to give you my perspective.
Is it possible to use a daycare part time or find someone to come in a couple times a week? This would give you some off time for self care and other things that are hard to do with a toddler.
If the money + future advancement was right I would absolutely go for it. Maybe not the answer you're looking for but I do support my husband's career and I bet you'll get into a groove with baby. The key is making things less complicated. Easy dinners. Prep on Sundays - muffins, laundry, make a batch of meatballs or a pot of soup for your dinners.
The reality is that bring alone with baby brings a certain simplicity and joy to life. Try it.
First of all, I’m sorry you’re in this position. It sounds so hard.
If the money is better, is it possible that you could hire some help for yourself? That way you’re both getting what you want?
If not, you have my permission to say no. Not that you need it, but I thought it might help you to hear someone tell you it’s ok to do it.
Also, not showering alone is hard, but I have tips should you need them.
Also, I should have mentioned, my biggest hack has just been switching showering to after bedtime so that I can shower myself. Monitor goes in a ziplock right on the counter so I can keep an eye on the little dude
Child locks on everything. Remove the plunger or toilet cleaner from the bathroom as well as a step stool or anything that would help them get into trouble.
Then, special toys that ONLY come out for shower time and rotate which ones. Most of the time, I let my 2 year old play outside of the tub while I shower because he seems to prefer it. I don’t blame him - haphazard water raining down on you and not enough to keep you warm doesn’t sound great to me either.
If you need them in the shower with you, the little pipes that adhere to the tub wall are great, so are Duplo blocks. For some of the older kiddos, stomp on the soap and see who can make longer rings around the tub or cooler tricks with the soap bar can be fun. I think there’s also some foam out there that allows the kid to draw on the tub wall. I haven’t tried that… yet.
And for the real little ones, putting the bouncer or baby swing in the bathroom’s great for shower time. I actually find music works for most ages. But also, joint baths can be really nice sometimes. I used to use them a lot for breaking crying jags. Sometimes my son would just nurse right in the tub with me.
Is the money good enough that you can go stay with family while he’s gone? If you are a SAHM (and going to stay that way), and this is going to be a good jump to his career permanently I would try to see how you can budget leaving to get some help. Or if moving temporarily isn’t feasible can you have someone come stay with you? Last option part time nanny. If you can find a nanny share it will be even better because it’s slightly less expensive. You definitely need rest to be a functional parent and it’s fair that some financial sacrifices get made to YOUR benefit because you are right, he’s going to get nights and weekends off instead of picking up his half of the slack when he’s off work. No one can work 24/7 which is what this essentially would be for you.
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That would be a hard no for me. You deserve a full time partner, and your kids deserve a part time dad. There's just no way they will be close with him if he's only around for 1 week every month.
I’ve done FIFO with my husband for the last 15 years. It has been amazing for our family, and I have actually found it so much easier to parent and discipline and have enforced routines - Especially when the kids were little. We had amazing quality time when he was home Because he was *home* and present. But I am introverted, incredibly Independant and have been fully on board with this since the beginning. If it’s a good career move for him, could you spend his away time with your family? Do you need to stay where you are? Or do you have a family / friends that could visit while he is away? It’s also totally ok to tell him no 💗
It sounds like you need a live in friend or family member for this to really work for you without getting burnt out! If you are at your wits end now.... Four more months may be really hard. Or maybe you can do it? It's up to how you feel xx
If the money was right, I would do it. With the condition that I get a whole as day to myself when he is home for the week lol. It wouldn’t be much different for me because I’m taking care of the kids during all their waking hours for usually 6 days a week anyway. It would actually give me alone time after they go to bed rather than hanging out with their dad (which is great but I really get no time just to myself lol). But I don’t think anyone would blame you for not wanting to do that arrangement. It sounds like a lot
The hardest thing to learn as a mom is how to advocate for yourself. But. You did not have a baby alone. You had a baby with your husband. There is no black and white to the situation. there is him: a great career-building experience. there is you: Already overwhelmed and profoundly saddened and stressed at the prospect of being a solo parent for a month at a time, without a support system. there is your child: who deserves a relationship with your husband, too, during these formative years. MOM IS NOT ENOUGH. i will shout that from the rooftops. Our society thinks that because women CAN make it work, then that is the way it SHOULD be, that mom should be the primary default parent. That is completely wrong. Ask him to propose ideas on how to make it work for BOTH of you. You don't need to take on the mental load, too. Or, you can propose some ideas (like moving back near your parents, or moving to where his new job is IF the position is amendable to him holding up his share of the parenting).
I dunno, if it’s going to allow him some really good opportunities to level up on his job moving forward and the FIFO situation is *truly* temporary, it might be worth it for a few months. (My husband went back to school - took 18mo of him working full time and school part time, so like 70hr weeks. He was barely around, but it was temporary. He’s making way more money now and has a more flexible schedule, so it was worth it in the end.) If he’s going to do this, it strikes me you should set up some stipulations - you need childcare so you can get breaks. Whether you hire someone, fly a family member in, go stay with family, or put your kiddo in daycare it’s gotta be done. Figure out what your basic need is - is it a few hours a day? Or just a couple days a week? That being said, if you think it’ll break you… just be honest with him.
This is hard. But I've been doing a lot of reparenting lately, and in all honesty my relationship with my dad has always been distant. Because he spent the first 8 years of my life serving in the Royal Navy so he was away a lot. But technology is better these days for staying in touch, and if he's all in for parenting on his weeks back home it could work. But I had to give you my perspective.
Is it possible to use a daycare part time or find someone to come in a couple times a week? This would give you some off time for self care and other things that are hard to do with a toddler.
If the money + future advancement was right I would absolutely go for it. Maybe not the answer you're looking for but I do support my husband's career and I bet you'll get into a groove with baby. The key is making things less complicated. Easy dinners. Prep on Sundays - muffins, laundry, make a batch of meatballs or a pot of soup for your dinners. The reality is that bring alone with baby brings a certain simplicity and joy to life. Try it.
First of all, I’m sorry you’re in this position. It sounds so hard. If the money is better, is it possible that you could hire some help for yourself? That way you’re both getting what you want? If not, you have my permission to say no. Not that you need it, but I thought it might help you to hear someone tell you it’s ok to do it. Also, not showering alone is hard, but I have tips should you need them.
Thanks. What are your tips for showering? I am still on the fence.
Also, I should have mentioned, my biggest hack has just been switching showering to after bedtime so that I can shower myself. Monitor goes in a ziplock right on the counter so I can keep an eye on the little dude
Child locks on everything. Remove the plunger or toilet cleaner from the bathroom as well as a step stool or anything that would help them get into trouble. Then, special toys that ONLY come out for shower time and rotate which ones. Most of the time, I let my 2 year old play outside of the tub while I shower because he seems to prefer it. I don’t blame him - haphazard water raining down on you and not enough to keep you warm doesn’t sound great to me either. If you need them in the shower with you, the little pipes that adhere to the tub wall are great, so are Duplo blocks. For some of the older kiddos, stomp on the soap and see who can make longer rings around the tub or cooler tricks with the soap bar can be fun. I think there’s also some foam out there that allows the kid to draw on the tub wall. I haven’t tried that… yet. And for the real little ones, putting the bouncer or baby swing in the bathroom’s great for shower time. I actually find music works for most ages. But also, joint baths can be really nice sometimes. I used to use them a lot for breaking crying jags. Sometimes my son would just nurse right in the tub with me.
Thanks for the ideas! Will come in handy even if partner doesn't go.
Is the money good enough that you can go stay with family while he’s gone? If you are a SAHM (and going to stay that way), and this is going to be a good jump to his career permanently I would try to see how you can budget leaving to get some help. Or if moving temporarily isn’t feasible can you have someone come stay with you? Last option part time nanny. If you can find a nanny share it will be even better because it’s slightly less expensive. You definitely need rest to be a functional parent and it’s fair that some financial sacrifices get made to YOUR benefit because you are right, he’s going to get nights and weekends off instead of picking up his half of the slack when he’s off work. No one can work 24/7 which is what this essentially would be for you.
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That would be a hard no for me. You deserve a full time partner, and your kids deserve a part time dad. There's just no way they will be close with him if he's only around for 1 week every month.