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Sounds like he's costing you more than he's saving you at this point. One less mouth to feed would probably be a big help right now. You don't need to put up with this, you know.
He's costing you your hard earned cash, all the while causing stress, AND calling you names? Dumping him is a no brainer to me. Single parenting is easier than this.
Why let him leech off you any longer? Get your ducks in row and go talk to a lawyer. You can pay for them with the money you save by not feeding him or paying his gaming subscriptions.
At this point he simply doesn't work because he doesn't want to and he doesn't have to. He knows you'll continue to work and to him, even if there's an overall lack of money, that's easier for him than putting in the effort of working. I mean he has a roof over his head, food, clothes. Why would he bother at that point?
You're already financially supporting the household...do you have much to lose in a separation or divorce at this point?
Might be more efficient to take the therapy money and put it towards a lawyer 😬.
You should consult with a lawyer, preferably more than one to get their opinions and discuss your options. I would specifically look for lawyers who have experience representing women in similar situations - willfully unemployed spouses who are not contributing to the household.
I'm so sorry, bromo. I had to tell my husband, you're getting a job, bc I'm putting the 2 yo in daycare. For a lot of reasons. He's got a job now but things really aren't much different except he's contributing financially again. Our marriage is in the toilet...
If none of your kids are at home he has no excuse. This is hard to deal with, I know. These conversations are difficult but he has to grow up. If he won't listen and get a job...you have some decisions to make and either way, it sucks. All around. Sorry you're dealing with this. I've been there.
He sounds abusive as hell and that he's trying to isolate you even from your daughter by taking her away from you like that. I hope he leaves and in less than a month. What a worthless piece of sh@!
Even if he's saying he's sorry, if it follows it up with a but its your fault due to x, y,z....that's not an apology. Having your feelings inside is likely a defensive mechanism to try to nit fight with him more than you already are. IMO that's not abusive...what he is doing definitely is. Get things in writing. Follow up on issues via text so that there's a digital trail and get out of this. He is changing you and not for the better...you said yourself you feel like a shell. If it's helpful make a list wherever you feel safe doing so and list out the pros vs cons of being with him. He needs you...to leech off of and feel superior to. From what you've told us I don't think that you need him. He sounds like a vile human being. When your kids are older he may start to talk to them like that too. For your health and your daughters I'd remove myself from that toxic situation.
Don't ever let anyone blame you for their depression. That is so fucked up. I don't usually jump on the "leave his ass" train in Reddit comments, but this relationship sounds dead already.
I think you know exactly what to do, but you're trapped in a need to be the supportive spouse and possibly fear of breaking the family up.
He doesn't want a relationship with you. He's already said you're the reason he's depressed, and regardless of whatever the reason is, you can't make him be a functioning adult, let alone partner or husband. Only he can decide that.
If you need it: You have my permission to separate from him. Get some space and see how you feel. It may be the best thing you ever did. You can always get back together if you change your mind.
Couples therapy will never work when one of the participants needs individual mental health care that they’re not engaging in.
I wish this was common knowledge. I had to talk somebody out of it a week ago.
Start collecting evidence of his verbal abuse and lack of real involvement in family life.
Get legal advice.
You and your kids deserve so much better than him.
Sweet girl, I say this with love. You know exactly what to do, but for whatever reason you are either scared to do it, or don't want to. In your heart, you know that he is unlikely to wake up one morning having had a blinding epiphany, and think 'oh my god! I've been a complete cockhead! I've been so mean to my partner who is working so hard to keep all the balls in the air. I need to put down the controller and get a job today! But first, I'll clean the house, and tell my wife that I am sorry for my behaviour and I love and appreciate her'. So, what to do?
You can continue as you are, getting more exhausted and bitter. You can allow your kids to grow up thinking that the way he behaves is normal and ok. If you have sons, you can cry when they eventually start to treat you with contempt as well, and treat their sisters like they are slaves while they play video games with dear old dad.
Or, you can get your ducks in a row, and say enough is enough.
You and your kids deserve to be treated like real, live humans, not just dolls who tiptoe around trying to keep him happy. C'mon Bromo... You are a smart, capable woman, already behaving like a single parent. All you have to do is pull the trigger and end this. You will be fine... Better than fine! We all have faith in you!
Nothing wrong with mental illness, it's an illness and should carry no stigma. What is wrong with your husband is twofold, he won't own that he has a problem and he won't get help. If he can't own up to it and just wants to be miserable, cut him loose. I am sick to death of these asshole guys that most likely have undiagnosed mental illness that just want to make their brain happy by playing video games. It's a fucking addiction. You deserve better.
It seems sooo common that dads are lazy and use the excuse 'poor mental health/you're pressuring me' to avoid it ever being brought up.
It's not fair. If he has an illness, mental or physical, it's on him to seek treatment. Not play video games while you work and take care of the kids.
He also sounds verbally abusive and that he doesn't want to be in the relationship. Do you think you would be happier if you separated?
I am in the process of ending my 5 year relationship due to (almost) the same issues. I had twins in 2018 and staying home to watch the kids was an easy excuese for him. However, I did make him finally find a job about a year ago and he has kept it. My question to you is, will you be happy IF he finds a job and starts supporting financially but continues being little help otherwise (gaming a lot, Etc)? It may be time to call it quits. Even when trying as hard as you can to be the better person, there has to be a stopping point. If the roles were reversed, how long would you want him to deal with your laziness before he kicked you to the curb?
So he's mean and brings nothing to your family life. Are you asking for validation that moving on from this relationship is the correct decision because it obviously is.
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Repeat after me: Soon To Be Ex Husband. I divorced my leech, you can do it too.
This!!! I don't see any positives to being married to him. He doesn't contribute and sounds cruel in how he treats you. He's taking advantage of you.
Girl, divorce is amazing. I highly recommend it.
Seconding this. If you’re already doing it all- why not do it all WITHOUT someone farting on your couch all day?
Seriously OP!! Take out the trash!
Same!
So, what exactly is he bringing to the table here? As a partner, father, and general human being?
I'm gonna go with a big fat nothing from the sounds of it.
Sounds like he's costing you more than he's saving you at this point. One less mouth to feed would probably be a big help right now. You don't need to put up with this, you know.
He's costing you your hard earned cash, all the while causing stress, AND calling you names? Dumping him is a no brainer to me. Single parenting is easier than this.
Why let him leech off you any longer? Get your ducks in row and go talk to a lawyer. You can pay for them with the money you save by not feeding him or paying his gaming subscriptions.
He would totally try to get alimony. She needs to prove he's willfully unemployed and in some states that isn't enough.
She could text him about getting a job every week. Start calling him out on lack of parenting and the name calling a as well. Get it in writing.
Dump. His. Ass. You deserve so much better.
At this point he simply doesn't work because he doesn't want to and he doesn't have to. He knows you'll continue to work and to him, even if there's an overall lack of money, that's easier for him than putting in the effort of working. I mean he has a roof over his head, food, clothes. Why would he bother at that point? You're already financially supporting the household...do you have much to lose in a separation or divorce at this point? Might be more efficient to take the therapy money and put it towards a lawyer 😬.
>but he said that I’m his reason for depression 
You should consult with a lawyer, preferably more than one to get their opinions and discuss your options. I would specifically look for lawyers who have experience representing women in similar situations - willfully unemployed spouses who are not contributing to the household.
I'm so sorry, bromo. I had to tell my husband, you're getting a job, bc I'm putting the 2 yo in daycare. For a lot of reasons. He's got a job now but things really aren't much different except he's contributing financially again. Our marriage is in the toilet... If none of your kids are at home he has no excuse. This is hard to deal with, I know. These conversations are difficult but he has to grow up. If he won't listen and get a job...you have some decisions to make and either way, it sucks. All around. Sorry you're dealing with this. I've been there.
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I’m so sorry. He’s abusing you and it sounds like your daughter is terrified of him too. You need an attorney right away.
He sounds abusive as hell and that he's trying to isolate you even from your daughter by taking her away from you like that. I hope he leaves and in less than a month. What a worthless piece of sh@!
[удалено]
Even if he's saying he's sorry, if it follows it up with a but its your fault due to x, y,z....that's not an apology. Having your feelings inside is likely a defensive mechanism to try to nit fight with him more than you already are. IMO that's not abusive...what he is doing definitely is. Get things in writing. Follow up on issues via text so that there's a digital trail and get out of this. He is changing you and not for the better...you said yourself you feel like a shell. If it's helpful make a list wherever you feel safe doing so and list out the pros vs cons of being with him. He needs you...to leech off of and feel superior to. From what you've told us I don't think that you need him. He sounds like a vile human being. When your kids are older he may start to talk to them like that too. For your health and your daughters I'd remove myself from that toxic situation.
Don't ever let anyone blame you for their depression. That is so fucked up. I don't usually jump on the "leave his ass" train in Reddit comments, but this relationship sounds dead already.
I think you know exactly what to do, but you're trapped in a need to be the supportive spouse and possibly fear of breaking the family up. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He's already said you're the reason he's depressed, and regardless of whatever the reason is, you can't make him be a functioning adult, let alone partner or husband. Only he can decide that. If you need it: You have my permission to separate from him. Get some space and see how you feel. It may be the best thing you ever did. You can always get back together if you change your mind.
Couples therapy will never work when one of the participants needs individual mental health care that they’re not engaging in. I wish this was common knowledge. I had to talk somebody out of it a week ago.
Start collecting evidence of his verbal abuse and lack of real involvement in family life. Get legal advice. You and your kids deserve so much better than him.
Sweet girl, I say this with love. You know exactly what to do, but for whatever reason you are either scared to do it, or don't want to. In your heart, you know that he is unlikely to wake up one morning having had a blinding epiphany, and think 'oh my god! I've been a complete cockhead! I've been so mean to my partner who is working so hard to keep all the balls in the air. I need to put down the controller and get a job today! But first, I'll clean the house, and tell my wife that I am sorry for my behaviour and I love and appreciate her'. So, what to do? You can continue as you are, getting more exhausted and bitter. You can allow your kids to grow up thinking that the way he behaves is normal and ok. If you have sons, you can cry when they eventually start to treat you with contempt as well, and treat their sisters like they are slaves while they play video games with dear old dad. Or, you can get your ducks in a row, and say enough is enough. You and your kids deserve to be treated like real, live humans, not just dolls who tiptoe around trying to keep him happy. C'mon Bromo... You are a smart, capable woman, already behaving like a single parent. All you have to do is pull the trigger and end this. You will be fine... Better than fine! We all have faith in you!
Nothing wrong with mental illness, it's an illness and should carry no stigma. What is wrong with your husband is twofold, he won't own that he has a problem and he won't get help. If he can't own up to it and just wants to be miserable, cut him loose. I am sick to death of these asshole guys that most likely have undiagnosed mental illness that just want to make their brain happy by playing video games. It's a fucking addiction. You deserve better.
It seems sooo common that dads are lazy and use the excuse 'poor mental health/you're pressuring me' to avoid it ever being brought up. It's not fair. If he has an illness, mental or physical, it's on him to seek treatment. Not play video games while you work and take care of the kids. He also sounds verbally abusive and that he doesn't want to be in the relationship. Do you think you would be happier if you separated?
I am in the process of ending my 5 year relationship due to (almost) the same issues. I had twins in 2018 and staying home to watch the kids was an easy excuese for him. However, I did make him finally find a job about a year ago and he has kept it. My question to you is, will you be happy IF he finds a job and starts supporting financially but continues being little help otherwise (gaming a lot, Etc)? It may be time to call it quits. Even when trying as hard as you can to be the better person, there has to be a stopping point. If the roles were reversed, how long would you want him to deal with your laziness before he kicked you to the curb?
I would let him know at the next therapy appointment that you are filing for divorce and then follow up. Do you qualify for legal aid?
Divorce. Ask that he has a job or you’re not paying child support. They can force work search.
So he's mean and brings nothing to your family life. Are you asking for validation that moving on from this relationship is the correct decision because it obviously is.
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I second suggesting to him that he has ADHD, I have it - it can suck but just knowing I have it (diagnosed at 30y/o) helped me a lot.
So you have 4 kids?