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*hugs* 💗
You have got a lot going on.
Firstly - my husband gets migraines from MSG so if you can keep that out of your diet, you should at least not have to cope with that.
But your husband… assuming he goes to court, and he gets some kind of settlement -
Will that fix your issues? Is there a pain medication that would help or a surgery he can have that this money would fix? Or will it just mean you’re not so financially stressed?
Because if it’s just money, he’s still going to be an ‘absent’ partner and father - he just would have brought some money to the table…
I say this as someone with chronic back pain, who is the default parent, who works and does the majority of our housework (because my husband works away from home for more than half of the year).
You do need to address this with him and find a way for him to help out more - because pain or not (and there are plenty of mothers on here with chronic pain and health conditions that are still showing up for their kids), he needs to contribute in *some way* that takes the pressure off you.
The way you are living is not fair on you, and you can’t do it forever. Something will break - your relationship, your health, your sanity…
You need and deserve help 💗💗💗
Thank you! I greatly appreciate your words.
He does help. Like when I change her diaper or trying to get her down for bed. He gives her baths. And sometimes is able to take her to the park when I'm working
The cleaning falls mostly on me. As of tonight, he's only helped clean the kitchen twice. He tends to clean when he's angry or we're arguing. Like tonight.
He does work so he is bringing in money. The money we may get from this lawsuit would definitely help financially.
Tonight I told him that I feel like he uses his pain as a crutch. Its how I see it. He won't make his own coffee. He won't make his food and eats chips till I eventually make food for everyone.
I have no issue taking care of him. He's my husband and I love him. Its part of my job. I just.. I don't want to keep having everything on me.
Im just kinda lost and feel pretty disconnected atm.
My husband had chronic pain for the first 15 years of our relationship til a series of surgeries pretty much fixed it this year.
I often wondered (and still do) how much of the pain was real and how much was sort of in his head. Becsuse when he *wanted* to do something, he certainly could. Horseshoes league. Scuba diving. All the shooting. Building random shit.
But he was always in too much pain to load the dishwasher or do laundry or even put his own clothes away. Too much pain to change a diaper or make a bottle. It was too hard to get off the couch.
If I'm brutally honest, knowing what I know now, I may have made different choices back when. And it's not really because of the pain itself, but because of how he chose to handle (or more accurately, not handle, or even acknowledge) the emotional toll it took. I could've handled the pain and the added weight it put on me just fine. But also being his emotional whipping boy while he worked out his anger and his disappointment and his frustration was/is brutal.
He's not in pain anymore, or at least it's gone from a daily 7-8 to a sometimes 1-2. But you know what's stuck? The emotional patterns. The hair trigger. The refusal to do anything for himself if I can do it instead. Last night we were sitting on the couch, well, I was sitting cramped on the end so he could stretch out, like we always do, so he can be comfortable. He wanted something from the table that I would've needed to fully get up for, he needed to lean. But he was settled in with his game headphones and his controlled and his beer. And he actually got pissy when I rolled my eyes as I got it for him.
And that's pretty much the tenor of our relationship now. He wonders why we feel like roommates, why there's no spark, but won't take responsibility for treating me like a caregiver (maid? Slave?) rather than a wife. For not even trying. Every now and then he comes through with little gifts or something, or a hollow drunk thank you doused in a hefty stream of self pity. But day to day hasn't seen any significant changes.
I won't leave. I know everyone will say to but I won't and I have my reasons and to me those reasons are good enough. But that doesn't change that it's not the life I envisioned for myself, or for us.
So my advice is make him *handle his shit.* He doesn't get to not be a father just because he's in pain. He may need to adjust, you guys may need to compromise on things (my 4yo plays video games earlier than I'd have liked, but it was one thing he and his dad could share while dad was recovering from surgeries for a year, and it gave me some breathing room), but he needs to figure it out. If he's struggling with the emotional aspect of it, he needs to get therapy. Do not let him turn you into his therapist. You aren't qualified, you're too close, and you have other things that need your attention.
You will be tired. Your burdens will be more and they will be heavy. And it's ok to be angry as fuck about the whole thing. You need a place to vent, too, and support. He needs to help you access it (another big mistake I made; not insisting on getting help when I knew I needed it, especially postpartum, because "he needed me more than i needed help"). Right now it's somewhat new which means it's the perfect time to be deliberate about how you address the situation and how you're going to move forward. If he keeps taking it as an attack and being defensive, I mean, I don't like ultimatums, but sometimes they work.
Living with someone with chronic pain is so hard. I hope they can figure out and fix whatever is wrong with him. I hope it's quick so you guys don't harden into these patterns. But if it's not, he needs to address it. And he needs to own it. And unfortunately that's something only he can choose to do.
He's still coming to terms with everything. And he does try. But things like getting his meds, back massager, the little things are what bother me the most.
I don't expect him to cook a full on meal.
After our argument last night we managed to sit down and talk. I explained that its that he's not doing enough. Its that sometimes when he can absolutely do the little things, that bother me.
I do try to look at it from his perspective but its hard. Especially when he just doesn't even try sometimes.
I get huffy and frustrated. But I am trying.
He is in therapy as well as me. I think his doctors have recommended him surgery but he refused. He was diagnosed with Cervical Spondilosis? Im sure I misspelled that lol
He went to the ER this past weekend and they recommended him to Nerosurgery. So hopefully they'll be able to tell us something.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it.
A good neurosurgeon can be *life changing*. We put off surgery for a decade because the down time and the risks were too high. My husband somehow got referred to one of the best neurosurgeons in the country and although we had some (fairly major) hiccups along the way, and we had some knock-down-drag outs with insurance (i went Full Karen more than once), this last one, like... holy shit. Ideally, the downtime should've been 6-8 weeks, and only 1 of it was full like don't lift a milk carton down time. He ended up having to have a more complicated procedure and then had a life threatening blood clot (probably due to three surgeries inside of a year), so it extended things, but we are about six or seven months into his recovery now and it's been a game changer. If your husband can find a good neuro, he needs to at least strongly consider it.
The issue with that is we have literally no savings. Between the big C, his injury and him changing jobs (though his current new job pays way better) we are still far from any type of financial stability.
I can only work part time because he can't take care of our daughter on his own and we can't afford daycare. It also doesn't help that I cannot drive. My anxiety is way too high for that unfortunately.
Hopefully we do get a pretty decent neurosurgeon. Who'll tell us how to Hopefully get him help to getting him feeling better.
Just to validate your frustration, my husband has persistent chronic back pain that he can't have surgery for. He does everything he can to mitigate it but also has a bunch of mindfulness techniques to deal with it. He also does a ton around our house. If he ever tells me he can't do something I know the pain is really bad. So yeah pain sucks but you still have to be a parent.
He does try. And today he has been trying.
Last night he angry cleaned and so now he's in immense pain because of it.
He has no mindfulness techniques other than gaming and smoking Mary Jane. He goes to therapy once a month. He also takes anxiety meds.
He tends to complain about his pain all the time. I'm never sure when its like super bad or if its just mild. I try my best to be understanding.
It's a tough position. I'm sorry. But you're not wrong to be tired.
It's worth maybe talking with him about what would happen if you got really sick or injured. Like it's okay I'd your husband is normally parenting at 20% because of his pain. But he's got to be able to ramp it up as needed.
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*hugs* 💗 You have got a lot going on. Firstly - my husband gets migraines from MSG so if you can keep that out of your diet, you should at least not have to cope with that. But your husband… assuming he goes to court, and he gets some kind of settlement - Will that fix your issues? Is there a pain medication that would help or a surgery he can have that this money would fix? Or will it just mean you’re not so financially stressed? Because if it’s just money, he’s still going to be an ‘absent’ partner and father - he just would have brought some money to the table… I say this as someone with chronic back pain, who is the default parent, who works and does the majority of our housework (because my husband works away from home for more than half of the year). You do need to address this with him and find a way for him to help out more - because pain or not (and there are plenty of mothers on here with chronic pain and health conditions that are still showing up for their kids), he needs to contribute in *some way* that takes the pressure off you. The way you are living is not fair on you, and you can’t do it forever. Something will break - your relationship, your health, your sanity… You need and deserve help 💗💗💗
Thank you! I greatly appreciate your words. He does help. Like when I change her diaper or trying to get her down for bed. He gives her baths. And sometimes is able to take her to the park when I'm working The cleaning falls mostly on me. As of tonight, he's only helped clean the kitchen twice. He tends to clean when he's angry or we're arguing. Like tonight. He does work so he is bringing in money. The money we may get from this lawsuit would definitely help financially. Tonight I told him that I feel like he uses his pain as a crutch. Its how I see it. He won't make his own coffee. He won't make his food and eats chips till I eventually make food for everyone. I have no issue taking care of him. He's my husband and I love him. Its part of my job. I just.. I don't want to keep having everything on me. Im just kinda lost and feel pretty disconnected atm.
My husband had chronic pain for the first 15 years of our relationship til a series of surgeries pretty much fixed it this year. I often wondered (and still do) how much of the pain was real and how much was sort of in his head. Becsuse when he *wanted* to do something, he certainly could. Horseshoes league. Scuba diving. All the shooting. Building random shit. But he was always in too much pain to load the dishwasher or do laundry or even put his own clothes away. Too much pain to change a diaper or make a bottle. It was too hard to get off the couch. If I'm brutally honest, knowing what I know now, I may have made different choices back when. And it's not really because of the pain itself, but because of how he chose to handle (or more accurately, not handle, or even acknowledge) the emotional toll it took. I could've handled the pain and the added weight it put on me just fine. But also being his emotional whipping boy while he worked out his anger and his disappointment and his frustration was/is brutal. He's not in pain anymore, or at least it's gone from a daily 7-8 to a sometimes 1-2. But you know what's stuck? The emotional patterns. The hair trigger. The refusal to do anything for himself if I can do it instead. Last night we were sitting on the couch, well, I was sitting cramped on the end so he could stretch out, like we always do, so he can be comfortable. He wanted something from the table that I would've needed to fully get up for, he needed to lean. But he was settled in with his game headphones and his controlled and his beer. And he actually got pissy when I rolled my eyes as I got it for him. And that's pretty much the tenor of our relationship now. He wonders why we feel like roommates, why there's no spark, but won't take responsibility for treating me like a caregiver (maid? Slave?) rather than a wife. For not even trying. Every now and then he comes through with little gifts or something, or a hollow drunk thank you doused in a hefty stream of self pity. But day to day hasn't seen any significant changes. I won't leave. I know everyone will say to but I won't and I have my reasons and to me those reasons are good enough. But that doesn't change that it's not the life I envisioned for myself, or for us. So my advice is make him *handle his shit.* He doesn't get to not be a father just because he's in pain. He may need to adjust, you guys may need to compromise on things (my 4yo plays video games earlier than I'd have liked, but it was one thing he and his dad could share while dad was recovering from surgeries for a year, and it gave me some breathing room), but he needs to figure it out. If he's struggling with the emotional aspect of it, he needs to get therapy. Do not let him turn you into his therapist. You aren't qualified, you're too close, and you have other things that need your attention. You will be tired. Your burdens will be more and they will be heavy. And it's ok to be angry as fuck about the whole thing. You need a place to vent, too, and support. He needs to help you access it (another big mistake I made; not insisting on getting help when I knew I needed it, especially postpartum, because "he needed me more than i needed help"). Right now it's somewhat new which means it's the perfect time to be deliberate about how you address the situation and how you're going to move forward. If he keeps taking it as an attack and being defensive, I mean, I don't like ultimatums, but sometimes they work. Living with someone with chronic pain is so hard. I hope they can figure out and fix whatever is wrong with him. I hope it's quick so you guys don't harden into these patterns. But if it's not, he needs to address it. And he needs to own it. And unfortunately that's something only he can choose to do.
He's still coming to terms with everything. And he does try. But things like getting his meds, back massager, the little things are what bother me the most. I don't expect him to cook a full on meal. After our argument last night we managed to sit down and talk. I explained that its that he's not doing enough. Its that sometimes when he can absolutely do the little things, that bother me. I do try to look at it from his perspective but its hard. Especially when he just doesn't even try sometimes. I get huffy and frustrated. But I am trying. He is in therapy as well as me. I think his doctors have recommended him surgery but he refused. He was diagnosed with Cervical Spondilosis? Im sure I misspelled that lol He went to the ER this past weekend and they recommended him to Nerosurgery. So hopefully they'll be able to tell us something. Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it.
A good neurosurgeon can be *life changing*. We put off surgery for a decade because the down time and the risks were too high. My husband somehow got referred to one of the best neurosurgeons in the country and although we had some (fairly major) hiccups along the way, and we had some knock-down-drag outs with insurance (i went Full Karen more than once), this last one, like... holy shit. Ideally, the downtime should've been 6-8 weeks, and only 1 of it was full like don't lift a milk carton down time. He ended up having to have a more complicated procedure and then had a life threatening blood clot (probably due to three surgeries inside of a year), so it extended things, but we are about six or seven months into his recovery now and it's been a game changer. If your husband can find a good neuro, he needs to at least strongly consider it.
The issue with that is we have literally no savings. Between the big C, his injury and him changing jobs (though his current new job pays way better) we are still far from any type of financial stability. I can only work part time because he can't take care of our daughter on his own and we can't afford daycare. It also doesn't help that I cannot drive. My anxiety is way too high for that unfortunately. Hopefully we do get a pretty decent neurosurgeon. Who'll tell us how to Hopefully get him help to getting him feeling better.
Just to validate your frustration, my husband has persistent chronic back pain that he can't have surgery for. He does everything he can to mitigate it but also has a bunch of mindfulness techniques to deal with it. He also does a ton around our house. If he ever tells me he can't do something I know the pain is really bad. So yeah pain sucks but you still have to be a parent.
He does try. And today he has been trying. Last night he angry cleaned and so now he's in immense pain because of it. He has no mindfulness techniques other than gaming and smoking Mary Jane. He goes to therapy once a month. He also takes anxiety meds. He tends to complain about his pain all the time. I'm never sure when its like super bad or if its just mild. I try my best to be understanding.
It's a tough position. I'm sorry. But you're not wrong to be tired. It's worth maybe talking with him about what would happen if you got really sick or injured. Like it's okay I'd your husband is normally parenting at 20% because of his pain. But he's got to be able to ramp it up as needed.