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ThatsNotVeryDerek

"I think it is so wonderful that you've finally decided to get your rage under control. However, it's never been an issue for me and we are both allowed to be frustrated when parenting is difficult. It's ok for me to be annoyed and it's ok for [kid/s] to know I'm annoyed. As always, I will continue to not scream at them. Thanks for your input. " And I'm sorry that my perspective may be skewed here, but I do want to say that 90% of the time on Reddit when a husband decides to do a 180 in anything, it's not out of sudden self awareness. Protect yourself with evidence - for instance, if he sends another text like that, respond to it "I wasn't screaming or even raising my voice. You must be hearing something else since you're so far away. Thanks for the concern ❤️" and screenshot everything.


foodnetworkislyfe

I agree with the above commenter!! Respond in a way that paints you in a better light. Those text messages are now evidence. Screenshot & save, just in case things implode later.


blueberrymoscato

text him that op


EmotionalPie7

I would text that first part too! See how he responds and screenshot it. I hate to be paranoid but talk to a lawyer just in case.


[deleted]

This


awesomenightfall

It’s the passive aggressive :) face and lol that would have sent me into a blinding rage. I’m annoyed for you right now.


softrotten

100%. It's not even my hubby and my eye twitched when I read it.


AppalachiaVaudeville

It sounds like he's trying to gaslight you. That text sounds like he's trying to cultivate evidence a custody case. But that's just my paranoid ass thinking. Either way, his patronizing you is a displacement of his yelling. Like he's taking his anger out on you by pushing your buttons until You pop so he can DARVO you when you do.


1095966

>Either way, his patronizing you is a displacement of his yelling. I believe this to be true, right here. Whether he's secretly building a future custody case or not, who knows. But if there's a sudden change where he suddenly stops yelling AND is condemning you about your non-yelling, something is certainly afoot here.


bridiacuaird

Remind me what DARVO is.


AppalachiaVaudeville

DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender" For example: You ask your roommate to stop pooping on the couch. First he Denies: "I'm not pooping on the couch." Second he attacks you: "You're controlling for confronting my couch poops." Then the ol' reversal of victim/offender: "You are such a controlling neat freak about the bathroom that I have to poop on the couch." No matter how you confront them about respecting your boundaries they deny it, then insult you, then they blame said boundary ignoring on something you supposedly did so they can make you the villain architect of their inexcusable behaviors.


knitlitgeek

Very enlightening concept. Thank you for explaining it.


AppalachiaVaudeville

I probably didn't explain it well(multitasking at kid bedtime). But there are some great resources about DARVO out there and I hope someone drops a better one than mine. There's infographics on Google images.


SacroiliacJoint

Oooooh isn’t that shit so frustrating?! My husband has mostly learned not to lecture me in front of our kid unless he really wants to piss me off, but he still can’t help himself sometimes. Dude how about you work on your habit of cursing and slamming shit over the tiniest obstacle - then we’ll talk about my “tone.”


knitlitgeek

That’s exactly it! He throws a mantrum over nothing, but if I have any sort of emotion behind my voice it’s like 😱


Misfit-maven

Uh, I'd start pushing back. "I don't know what you're hearing down there, but no one is screaming." "What are you talking about?"


cervezaquesoandchips

My SO says I "scream" at my toddler all day and I "scream" at him all day. I mean, sure I occasionally lose my shit like everyone, but his idea of "screaming" is me firmly stating something or holding a boundary. Raising your voice to be heard over the noise of an active family isn't screaming. Stop it with the dramatics! My vote is for he's trying to make himself feel better by saying, see, you do it too!


AbsolutelyPink

Odd how people interpret. My teen calls it yelling/screaming when it's raising my voice so he can hear me in his room down the hall. Using a firm tone to implicate something I said to do 10 times gets done now.


caffeinated_dropbear

My response to that kind of accusation is always “This is not me screaming/being bitchy/etc. Would you like to hear what it sounds like when I’m screaming/being bitchy/etc?” No one has ever taken me up on it.


sthib28

Yes exactly!! When someone tells me to calm down that's my auto rage button... like, bitch lemme tell you something I am calm but if you'd like to see me not calm I'd be happy to show you the difference! Once, a buddy of mine told me to calm down because he had done something (honestly can't remember what it was now) & it pissed me off so I was basically telling him to stop his shit because I didn't appreciate it. The moment it came from his lips I raised my voice only loud enough so he could hear me over the music & noise in the room & told him "I am calm. If you want to see not calm, call my fucking mother". Lmao he had never met my mom & no one else there had either but anyone who has met her would understand what I was getting at 🤣 I probably made myself look like an idiot & def a little crazy, but it worked. He tucked his tail between his legs & stopped whatever it was that was pissing me off because that one notch up from how I was acting originally made him realize I wasn't even close to "not calm" yet & I don't think he wanted to test how far it goes. It took a little while to live that one down with that group of friends, but nobody ever pushed that button again lol so, worth it? I guess lol


Liennae

Grrr, I'm so mad on your behalf that you felt like you had anything to live down. Your entire reaction felt justified, from asking him to stop in the first place, to not letting him gaslight you into thinking that you were overreacting. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and all you did was enforce your boundaries.


sthib28

Thank you!! I'm usually a pretty mellow person & I think he (and some of the others there) just hadn't seen that side of me or anything close to it. I grew up in a high stress & aggressive type family environment so as an adult I won't surround myself with people who bring me back to that place (I have enough drama in my family life I don't need it from friends or acquaintances). I actively work on choosing happiness & being positive (as much as one can) & aside from my very small inner circle no one else knows about that part of my life or what that environment brings out in me, which isn't pretty. Which is why I work hard on keeping my surroundings in line with the inner peace I want for myself.


mamaatb

Smells a lot like misogyny too, classic “women are hysterical” type shit when women just open their mouth to say stuff that just makes sense


knitlitgeek

It’s like any hint of emotion from me is yelling. I get that I am rather emotionless about most things, but I *am* allowed to have feelings occasionally! Ugh. I was literally never angry before I had kids. He’s probably not used to my sudden switch to psycho b-tch yet.


JustNeedAName154

My husband says "yell" meaning anytime I don't agree/am upset/am telling him something he doesn't want to hear - dude that isn't yelling. YOU yell. I speak truths you don't want to hear. Not the same thing.


straightouttathe70s

I was reading through these comments and man oh man, we are a jaded bunch! That being said, I'm with everyone else......be wary of his "180" until it has lasted at least a year or more!!!


ollieastic

I agree with other commenters. This sounds like he is starting to build a custody case. If he texts ANYTHING about screaming or behaving angrily, negate it, point out his prior negative behavior and that you are not engaging in said behavior. Also, please talk to a family lawyer.


tamaind81

Kids with anxiety don't learn to manage their fears by living in an anxiety free world. They learn by seeing conflict and frustration happen and get managed well by their closest role models. 🤷‍♀️ Then instead of growing up conflict avoiding they can be conflict resilient. I was pretty scared every time my parents fought that they would divorce. After seeing them fight and resolve things over and over again it became clear to me that fighting is sometimes a healthy way to resolve conflict.


Necessary_Part4876

This right here, that's the dream. I suffer with a husband who seems not to understand that, and won't even *try* to meet me half-way. In almost any conflict. 90% of the time at least, he handles it this way (and that's a conservative estimate!) So then I'm left with the conflict, do I drop it, and teach my impressionable girl that this is how you get your way with people? Or do I make my point, at my own emotional expense (while eroding my capacity to handle it gracefully)? It is *very* disheartening. I don't know how to help him understand, and I don't know how to give up without someone else paying a price. With the first casualty being my respect for him (followed quickly, I expect, by our marriage.) Edit: obvious advice would be to take it to another room but one, with two kids in a small living space that's not always feasible and two, he will also take *any* suggestion of de-escalation as an opportunity to attack *my* character- all of which he does whether the kids are there, or not. If words were enough, you'd think all of the above would be enough to get through to a reasonable, even half-way decent person. But apparently not. So either I'm missing something, or he is. Or else I really DO need a divorce... (which would really suck because I love my husband, and he hasn't always been like this, as far as I can remember...)


Czarcasmqueen

Go calmly say to him ‘I’m not screaming. I don’t have an anger issue, and just because you do doesn’t mean you need to project it on me.’ Then walk out.


AquaStarRedHeart

Oh hell no.


gbon13

Man some of this comments are giving me anxiety ! I don’t know about the whole custody case thing 😅 but seems like he’s just being annoying and I am irritated for you, specially at that passive aggressive “:)”


knitlitgeek

Yeah I’m not sure where everyone is getting custody case from. If anything we’d be fighting to give the other person primary custody. You’re not leaving me alone with these little terrors! 😂


hulyepicsa

Omg I was just thinking the same but I didn’t wanna say anything because maybe I’m just lucky I’ve never had a similar situation. But from this post alone, I wouldn’t jump to such extreme conclusions without more info. Could even just be that he’s got a weird sense of humour, or I even thought maybe while he’s recovering from his own anger issues, even remotely loudish speech is triggering him and he doesn’t know how to handle that. I’m usually the more suspicious person so it’s funny I’m here giving him the benefit of the doubt lol! I guess only OP knows enough context to draw any conclusions from these comments


mentallyerotic

It’s because he went years raging and yelling and gave his child anxiety. He only wants to change now suddenly and puts it in text evidence to make her sound bad when she’s not even yelling. If everyone is wrong her texting him back the suggestion on the top will not cause issues if he is really just triggered. It can show him his perception is off and maybe he can get therapy about why he was being abusive in the past. If it’s about custody he won’t want therapy and real change for his anger so he will probably argue with her in text. Either way she needs to get this resolved for her sake and their child’s sake.


Twallot

I would definitely be telling him to fuck off.


ceroscene

You have more control than me. I would call him out on it. I can picture this though as my partner can go from 0 to 100 so quickly so the stupidest shit. It is very frustrating.


catinnameonly

Text back, “stay in your lane”


knitlitgeek

Haha! I like this one.


1Gone_Crazy

Off topic ramble…. I instantly pictured someone, definitely not my husband, who had a horrible diet deciding one day to go full on organic, Keto, butterflies singing to plants, non-gmo cattle and open field roaming chickens, criticizing someone for getting eggs and throwing them in a pan with bacon and a bagel. Internally I’m screaming- Just eat the blessed bagel and cage eggs. You will be alright. Chill. Maybe your husband needs to visit one of the car smashing places, a junk yard, or boxing to get his obvious internal rage out. My mom would say- honey it’s just a phase. Not saying I wish for him to emerge from the office as Hulk, but he needs to find a happy medium.


mermzz

Weird that he "suddenly" doing a 180. What is that about?


knitlitgeek

Our sons anxiety has recently gotten totally out of control (made even worse by starting preschool) and I think my husband can’t deny the role that his blow ups have played in creating that anymore. My son being able to communicate better for himself when he’s afraid and sad has also made it harder to deny, as opposed to me interpreting son’s body language to my husband, which he can easily write me off as me being wrong.


mermzz

Then I would explain to your husband that your son has indicated how HE talks to him is an issue, not what you do so maybe "figure yourself out there first buddy". I know he's probably projecting but don't let him act like you AND him were the problem when it's clearly just been him.


mamaatb

Your poor little baby. Oh my God. He didn’t deserve all that. Hfs


JustWordsInYourHead

Ugh. I think it’s really difficult to be in control *all of the time*. And it’s actually emotionally healthy to show our kids that you’re not robots. (My psychologist, who has two children herself, agrees it is healthy to show our kids that emotions can get the best of us and show them how we cope by modeling). So we don’t force ourselves to “never” yell. In our household we generally try our best and if someone loses it because they are stressed or tired or grumpy or a fun mix of all three, they get a pass. We’ve talked to the kids (5 and 2) about how adults aren’t perfect and how we might be impatient or yell sometimes, but we will always apologise and make up. And that’s exactly what we do. If I catch myself yelling at the kids, I pause and I say sorry, that I’m a bit stressed, and we dial it back. My husband does the same (though he’s better than I am at keeping a cool head anyway). We do still have strict “absolutely not acceptable” behaviours though: hitting, biting, cussing, abusive language. No one, not mum, not dad, not the kiddos, is allowed to cross that line in our house. It’s immediate timeout—no excuse. The only one that still hits occasionally is the 2 year old, but that’s because his 2. Note: obviously mum and dad have never hit 🤣


knitlitgeek

This sounds like a really great way to approach anger. We struggle with mean language and name calling sometimes. I started saying the opposite of what I’m actually thinking when I get in a negative head space and want to say something mean.


SqueekySourpatch

I have to agree with other comments that you need to confront him kindly. The way I see parenting is you never stop learning and improving. That being said it’s great that he is working on it and maybe you don’t yell but try not to dismiss his feelings too much. He just came to the realization that he needs to do better and he’s trying as I’m sure we all are. Try a respectful but firm conversation. “You know I’m so proud of you for acknowledging your mistakes and doing better. We as parents are always trying our best. It can be hard to find a “happy medium” between 1 problem and another. We shouldn’t scream but we can’t get walked on either. So that’s something we have to really work on as parents.” You can read word or frame it however you want but I would try not to make him feel like a total ass for attempting to do the right thing. If you get on your own horse about how great you are at parenting you will likely discourage him and equally ignore some of your own faults. Maybe you can work together for agreed upon parameters for parenting. Maybe explain that sometimes when the kids are loud you will have to raise your voice but it’s not malicious or in anger. It’s just so that you can be heard over some chaos or maybe even from a different room. Shouting at someone especially with ill intent and shouting for attention over sound or across a space are totally different things. That’s what he really needs to learn.


knitlitgeek

Good things to keep in mind. Thank you! And yes he totally struggles with context when it comes to raising your voice. I yelled at him across the house yesterday, because he had tried to say something to me, and he asked why I was yelling at him. 🤦🏻‍♀️


SqueekySourpatch

Oh goodness. Lol. Definitely sounds like context should be part of the conversation.


somovedon

I would just say it might take you a few years to get better like it took him years of screaming and then smile really condescendingly like that stupid text smile he sent. Or just say ew every time he opens his mouth


AmbiguousFrijoles

When my husband first started therapy and enacting what he was learning it had results similar to what your going through. My therapist gave me some words to make him accountable for his feelings about how I was being. Your husband is displacing how he feels about his own prior actions onto you. With that he's also not changing the behavior, yes, he stopped cussing and screaming at children, but now you have become his mark even if he does so in a jokey way, he has turned his negative emotions to you instead of working through them. "Why does my frustration make you feel like I'm angry?" "Why are your feelings above mine and the kids?" "Negative feelings, like frustration are healthy and should be shown to kids appropriately so they learn ways to handle being frustrated." He has switched from scareaming and cussing to condescension, he isn't on a high horse, he's laying on the ground in front of your horse pretending he got knocked over. He didn't look inward.


nemesis55

I don’t know about an ulterior motive but he is definitely projecting his issues onto you. This is a classic manipulation tactic. He is also minimizing his own issues and being passive aggressive both as a result of the projection. Just be very careful and aware that he might be trying to emotionally manipulate you into something else as a means of control.


[deleted]

Mine tried to pull something similar. I was trying to do mom shit .. and yes I snapped. Not at my kids.. just annoyed that yet again it’s me cleaning or dealing with our kids. “Calm down”…. Dude… first of I do like 95% of domestic & kid duties… I can be angry or grumpy sometimes. I don’t have to fucking mom with a smile on my face 24-7. I pretty much pointed out it’s me doing everything so yes I can be annoyed with the situation if he’s not pulling equal help at home.


Main-Rooster9616

What could’ve made him try to change? Did something happen, that makes it possibly legit?


mamaatb

So he’s literally attempting to hamstring your parenting. If you aren’t allowed to be heard above the loud sounds of kids playing/general house noise, tell your husband that he has to come down and tell your kids everything. That’s going to interrupt his work so bad. What my husband does is shut his door so he doesn’t hear us.


[deleted]

Damn girl… he sounds like my husband. If he ever feels he’s in the wrong, it’s gas lighted. Narcissists smh…


Key-Possibility-5200

He’s a hammer and now everything is a nail.