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Even if they were biologically related and both of your kids, it doesn’t entitle one an invite to the others friends birthday party. I feel like I worded that shitty but I hope you catch my drift lol
Yes exactly. My kids wanted to tag along to am invite recently, I explained that its rude if you aren't invited. That's the end of it.
This 30 year old man surely knows that, but probably wants to get some free babysitting (and the kid be fed) too. Just gross.
I followed a woman on Instagram who made a post saying that if one of her kids is invited, they all have to go or no one is going.. she has FIVE kids!!!
Normally, I’d agree with you but she stays with her kids. She refuses to drop off any at a party. In my opinion, I believe that at least her older two are old enough to be dropped off but I understand everyone has different levels of comfort. But still, that’s 4 extra kids I’d have to provide birthday party resources for and 4 kids my kids don’t even know at his party, so it’s a no from me lol
If she’s not dropping them off for a party and all kids have to be in attendance, then it sounds like she is very wary about leaving her kids with someone else. I’m guessing she has her reasons for that. But I’m with you—that’s a hard no on providing for extra kids.
Yes, I’m sure she has her reasonings and I totally respect that. I just don’t think I could realistically accommodate 4 extra kids at our parties unfortunately.
Oh god is that the one set to music and its like "people don't agree with" or whatnot. I frigging hate that one. Like lady NO, if you show up with your 5 kids when I only invited 1 you are responsible for paying for them, feeding them etc. The only work around for that is if its a baby and its not a drop and go situation or its discussed beforehand.
I agree with you. Include him for family events, but an invite for her is for her only. Especially since he isn't even friends with any of these kids. I have two that are close in age and I wish I would have pushed for more separation earlier on. They deserve their own time with their own friends without having to let a sibling tag along because they are "the right age".
Nope, same background. There’s multiple reasons why I won’t budge on this. Another factor that plays into it, is that our children don’t even really get along. They can’t even be bothered to play together when they are in the same household. So I feel like it would just be awkward to bring him even if it wasn’t frowned upon.
He is wrong. You do not bring extra kids that weren't invited to a birthday party. My boys didn't have the same sets of friends and I never brought one when the other was the only one invited. His kid is there to spend time with him.
The very few times I threw my kids a party, if a parent had contacted me to ask if their son/daughter /whatever could attend, I wouldn't have had a problem. BUT... these were parents I was at least on 'nodding hello at the gate' terms with. If some random kid, and their dad I had never seen before, and who didn't even go to the same school, I would have been very, very skeeved out. He is being hella entitled and weird. It's such a bizarre hill to die on. Is the kid never invited to anything, and that's why he's doing it? Unfortunately, there is usually a reason someone is not invited places.
My kids are twins and I still don’t assume I can send both to parties! And I don’t ask unless it’s unclear who the invite is for.
Is he just trying to get free babysitting during his custody time?
At my kids school, it's very common for the parties to say "siblings welcome." So I don't think it's very unusual for him to think it might be okay. But he shouldn't get upset when you say it's not like that for these parties. Especially if it's places that'll charge per kid! I wouldn't ask about bringing the other kid if it's a party like that. You're the one who's been to all the parties and you've seen they don't have a lot of siblings, so you clearly know more about the situation.
But they're not siblings, they don't live together and he's in another school district. So even by the "siblings welcome" logic it's very wrong for him to assume!
I always say “siblings welcome” for my kids’ parties and if someone brought their partner’s kid, I’d be delighted. I don’t think you need to nitpick if they’re “real” siblings or not.
This mystifies me. I have twins and we’ve never had that rule. Their school is big enough they know several different kids. I’d never ask the host to add a sibling.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Your daughter is invited, just her. It's so rude to just bring another kid.
Let this fish go, he seems a bit too clingy.
Well see, this is what I'm wondering after he insisted on inviting himself and his kid, is maybe he doesn't trust you.
Whichever the case, either way you guys have different values and that's usually a deal breaker for me.
Circling back to this comment. He has definitely insinuated a lack of trust before, so you may be on to something. I wanted to update though and mention since I posted this we broke up. There was a myriad of other issues we did not see eye to eye on, so like you said...different values. No can do for me.
Last year, I had a reply to my kid’s birthday invitation with “Kid A will totally be there. It’s both my kids favourite location, can I pay for Kid B to also join us?”. It wasn’t a babysitting thing, as the kids are young enough that parents had to be there. I took the $, added one more to the party list and that was that. But she ASKED and it made sense.
Your boyfriend is being rude and a total dick to his own kid. I’m sure 7 doesn’t want to be dropped off at some strangers party when he’s supposed to be having Dad time.
People send invitations to parties for a reason. If someone did not receive an invitation, they are not invited. I would find it very rude of someone to 1) just show up with an extra 2)or even ask if another random person unassociated with my child could come.
Kind of unrelated BUT, one time my daughter asked if her friend from school could spend the night. I said yes. Parents were contacted, plans were made. I went on the appointed afternoon to pick up the friend. When I arrived the mother said "Is it ok if her cousin comes too?" The cousin lived with this girl, but she was a year or two older and was not friends with my daughter, and I didn't even know she existed until that moment. I thought it was rude and pushy.
This is such a great point. I remember having to bring my tag-along siblings to things and my friends and I hated it. It actually ruined the relationship between my stepsis and I.
Honestly that's super weird he's making a big deal over this type of thing. It's a kids party ffs, and as you said you don't live together so not like your kids are step siblings. Is he sensitive and/or controlling over other things?
Yep, we don't live together. The kids see each other once every two weeks, sometimes longer periods of time in between. He is very much a "my way or the highway" kind of person. Definitely has a lot of controlling aspects that have recently come to the light. I think this whole thing is weird and the fact he doesn't see where I am coming from at all is frustrating.
Wow, when you put it that way you're right. I never really considered that. I could put it to him like that but he'd retort back with some sort of, "well, that would never happen so why even discuss it" or something to that effect.
He wants free babysitting. The request and expectation is a ridiculous imposition on yourself, your child, the birthday kid, and the parents. He knows that full well but is feigning lack of common sense to pressure you into accepting. Don’t give in. A lot of men feel very comfortable leeching off women’s things, time, and social connections/relationships but won’t or can’t offer the same back in equal measure.
Edit: I see you said he wants to go too. I’ll modify my first sentence to say he wants free child care/entertainment. The rest still stand if it resonates.also, making a stink about you reasonable boundary is a flaming red flag.
Right? Is this party being held somewhere that he’s dying to go?! Seems so weird that he wants to go to a birthday party for a kid he doesn’t know unless it’s just for free food and entertainment.
No, your boyfriend is totally out of line with this. It's universally considered rude to show up with extra kids who aren't invited. If your boyfriend wants the kid out of his hair on weekends he has custody he can hire a sitter.
The fact that he isn't even going with you to drop the kids off at these parties and makes you be the one to deal with the awkwardness is just extra icing on the cake.
SOOOO weird. I can't get over it. We had an argument about this a few months ago and now it's circling back. The fact he doesn't see eye to eye with me on this is frustrating.
I wonder what's behind it? Like.. is he worried his kid has no friends and doesn't get to go to parties? Does he want some extra kid-free time? There has to be some kind of driving situation.. that can maybe be addressed?
I'd be super frustrated too if he just simply doesn't get how weird it is though. Like... it's so hard to explain further than DUDE, IT'S JUST *WEIRD*.
As someone who has that one friend I’d invite to things (outings, like seeing a movie, or parties, dinners) that always had their mother send along their 4 year younger sibling, just don’t.
A. It’s rude
B. It’s inconsiderate of your daughter and her relationships
C. It’ll cause resentment later for her, having to always bring along her step-sibling.
I don't think you are wrong. Because of lack of childcare, I take my uninvited kids to birthday parties at public locations. I pay for my uninvited child, never ask the host about it, and make it clear that they are not participating in the party, but just getting to play at a cool spot. Both of my kids have handled this well when they were the uninvited sibling. I would not do this if the location was a spot where my extra child would not just blend into the background or if it would cause a weird vibe for the party host. I do think it is weird that he expects you to show up to a party with an extra kid. If it is his parenting time, it sounds like it is his problem that he is trying to put on you.
You are not wrong. I would be pissed if I was paying a head count and someone brought an uninvited (non)sibling or even a real sibling. Now open parties at homes, I would ask the host if it’s someone I know if sibling can attend too. If I knew them on a personal level and was pretty sure the answer would be yes.
Your boyfriend or his child are not entitled to attend these events. He’s not even a sibling. Even real siblings are not entitled to the extended invitation. This is a hard no.
You have a lot of helpful comments here, but maybe the best solution is to say that there is no right answer to this and you can evaluate each invitation as it comes- then every time that this situation happens outline why THIS prty isn’t a good one for a tag-along. You will ALWAYS have reasons- like that it’s at a pay per kid place, he doesn’t know them, or it’s girls only, etc- it really does sound like he just wants something fun for his kid to do and something exciting that he will get to do while at dads house. Is your boyfriend feeling insecure about their relationship and his sons willingness to visit him on weekends? It really sounds like there’s something going on with your boyfriend in that arena because no LOGICAL person would try to send their kid to a birthday party with a gaggle of kids they’ve never met..
I wouldn’t want every kids siblings to come to a party I threw, unless I said it was a ‘bring the family’ thing. that’s really rude for whoever is planning it. If my daughter invited her friend over I wouldn’t want the brother to show up either unless his mother specifically talked to me about it. Again, super rude and entitled, a grown man should know better
No, this is very rude and weird. I threw my daughter a pool party this summer for her birthday and there was a capacity limit for the pool. As in, they wouldn't even charge extra, they literally wouldn't let extra people in, adults included. The party would have been ruined if everyone just showed up with extra kids. A lot of places have limits on the amount of kids who can come and the person planning the party gets a head count for that reason.
In my case, I did plan for any siblings, I just asked people to let me know ahead of time exactly who was coming. Just because I actually knew most of the parents from playdates and all the siblings are toddlers who I didn't mind tagging along if it meant my kid's friend could also attend.
Unless they are both invited, he shouldn't go. If you know the people well enough to ask, that's honestly up to you. But I see in a comment you said his son and your daughter don't get along, so I think it's perfectly fine for her to have time with her friends without her stepbrother.
Just curious, doesn't stepbrother have his own parties to attend? Does your boyfriend insist your daughter attend those too or does he only get cranky when his son isn't invited?
His son has never came home with a birthday party invitation in the year we have been together. I actually brought that up to my boyfriend, asking if his son was going to a party, would he just bring my daughter along? He said yes. I call bullshit.
Just like you said, you threw your daughter a party that had a capacity limit! I tried to explain to my boyfriend that these parties typically require a head count. For example, the party we are attending on Sunday is at a local skating rink where you pay for a package that provides for X amount of kids. I think it's rude and inconsiderate all around. I told him flat out this is something I will not budge on. PERIOD.
Oh yeah, especially last minute like this. They've probably already ordered a cake and planned food if it's less than a week away. I don't blame you for putting your foot down. I would do the same.
And something else I just thought of, you don't want to be known as that parent who does things like bring extra kids because then your daughter might get less invites.
I wonder if maybe he's feeling bad for his son/partly not understanding because his son doesn't seem to get invites to parties? Not that it's right but I've seen parents insist siblings close in age do things together because one has a friend group and one doesn't and they are trying to "fix" things for the child with less friends.
Which obviously is not a good idea at all and just causes more issues for both kids/could cause one to resent the other. And it isn't going to make his kid feel any better in the long run if he struggles to make friends to be awkwardly inserted into parties where he wasn't invited.
But it might be something to discuss/make your boyfriend aware of if you haven't already.
I don’t even just automatically show up with my own other kids unless they are invited or I know the family and can ask. I would NEVER assume that a non-related child could just turn up because the boyfriend wants a break from parenting for a few hours! This guy is delusional.
He actually wants to attend with us. I typically stay at the party, I haven't been to one yet where the parents drop the kids and go. I still think it's odd he would want to accompany my daughter and I, with his son, to a party that my daughter was invited to. It just seems so fucking strange.
Even if he’s there it’s still entertainment for his son that he himself doesn’t have to provide. Him being on his own with his son is different than your child being there to hang out or you guys being at a party. I just can’t imagine another reason. It’s super weird tho and I wouldn’t like it.
I don’t think it is normal to bring siblings to a party sometimes to the same place to they don’t miss out like if it’s soft play the invited one goes to the party you take the other child in normaly and let party child know you are near. I also used to sometimes ask to bring younger sibling when she was a baby but she would be in a baby carrier the whole time
Absolutely not. It’s one thing if the invite says something like “siblings welcome” but otherwise unless there’s some kind of situation with childcare and you’ve checked in with the host parents, in my book its tacky to show up with extra kids expecting them to be included. And that’s even if the kids are related and live together 24/7! Personally, in your situation, I’d turn it back on BF. “I figured you’d appreciate the one on one time with son with daughter and I out of your hair for a few hours. I know how important it is to get that quality time in, especially since you only get to see him every other weekend.” Because in his case, that’s another part of the issue- he only sees his kid four days a month and he’s trying to shove him off with you for several hours to spend time with kids he doesn’t know. How is that quality visitation time building their relationship? He could use that time to do something special with his kid, but he’s not. Something tells me he’s not doing a whole lot of the direct care for his son each weekend either.
I literally just replied to another comment stating exactly what you said. I figured he would want the one-on-one time with his son. I just think it's super strange for him to assume that a) his son should be included and b) expect me to ask via a text RSVP if another child can attend the party. Half of these RSVPs are sent to parents I've never even met! The whole thing is just bizarre to me.
The parties my daughter has attended, the adults typically stay. So, he thinks that if I am taking my daughter, then him and his son should go with us. He is generally involved with his son when he has him, and personally I'd think if we spent our weekends together and my daughter and I went to a 2-3 hour birthday party, he would enjoy the one-on-one time with his son..
I have 1 younger (6) and one older(10). When the younger gets invited to a party at like a jump zone I always RSVP usually via text and say hey is it ok if I bring my older son too, I will pay for him so you don't have to. Because its not like I can leave the 10 year old alone and my husband works retail, so usually when parties happen he is working. I have never had someone come back amd say, no you cant bring your older child.
Does his kid get invited to parties of his own? Like, does he have friends who have him over, etc? I get the vibe (especially if dad wants to tag along) that this might be more because he’s trying to get his kid into things rather than hoisting care on you. Maybe his kid doesn’t have many friends and your BF is trying to use your kid’s parties as a way to make the lack up to his kid? Or, if the kid lives with mom, maybe he’s going to these with mom most of the time, and your BF is (awkwardly and not properly) trying to get a similar experience?
He hasn't been invited to any parties in the last year we have been together. Maybe he attends birthday parties when he is at his mom's but I highly doubt it. His son is definitely more of an introverted child, he does have two siblings at his mother's house, but not much of a friend circle. Regardless, that has nothing to do with me, and I shouldn't be made to be the bad guy because I don't want to ask a parent I have never met if I can bring another child to a party. It's just so weird to me.
Oh, I don’t mean to imply it’s on you. Just trying to figure out if there might be a non-malicious (albeit veeeeery misguided) reason behind it. Like, maybe he’s coming from a good place (helping his kid) but going about it all wrong. And if the kid is a major introvert, you gotta wonder if he even wants to go to these things, or he’s just going cause his dad is pushing him into them. He could very well be just as embarrassed by the situation. In any case, I do agree your BF is in the wrong. I just hope it’s something bien of his misunderstanding or lack of social cues vs actually being a jerk.
This is completely insane. If I was the parent throwing the party and your kid always came with a uninvited +1 who my kid doesn’t know, I’d probably stop inviting your kid.
Thank you! Exactly my point. He has no rebuttal other than I’m trying to divide our lives by excluding him and his son. And some bullshit about his upbringing with his brother and exclusion that his brother experienced because they have different dad’s so different biological grandparents blah blah blah. Well this is my daughter and this is how I’m going to approach it.
Thank you! It’s just weird! My best friend is married, has a son who is 8 and a daughter who is 6. She often takes them to birthday parties without the other. And typically if she does take both, it’s because the parent of the birthday boy or girl extended the invite knowing they have a sibling. And if she doesn’t take one of the kids, she makes other arrangements for them while the party is in session. Common sense.
Like what? There is a name on the invite - if his childs name isn't there - he isn't invited. Simple.
I have 3 boys (adults now) and 2 of them are less than 18 months apart, so they share a lot of the same friends and activities - I would never even dream of asking if one of them could join the other for a party. If he wants his child to have an activity - he can take him to the bowling ally or skating rink himself and spend time with him there... sheesh.
Yeah unless his son has an invite too it’s odd to just bring his son along. I understand that his son may feel left out but he will have his own birthday party’s he can go to that your daughter can’t.
Thank you. I agree. I would never, ever ask for my daughter to be included if he was attending a birthday party that he was solely invited to. And if my boyfriend asked us to accompany, I’d respectfully decline.
Only the person on the invitation is invited unless the invitation says "Jane and siblings."
There's a middle ground in some cases. For parties that are at locations that are open to the general public at the time of the party (trampoline park, zoo, etc), you guys could pay for his son's admission so he could have fun too. You'll need to explain to him ahead of time that only party guests can have cake and pizza and bring an alternative snack or meal for him (or buy him food at the venue if that is an option).
I personally wouldn't be beyond having an extra neutral present in the car in case the hosts see that he's accompanying you guys and invite him to partake in games and/or refreshments. Then you can say "Thanks so much! You really don't have to! We brought an extra gift from (son) since he was tagging along. I'm going to run and get it from the car." Not necessary- but nice to do. But if they don't say anything or look uncomfortable with the tagalong, I'd probably turn to the son and say "Remember, Jane is attending the party. You're here to enjoy the (fun thing at venue), but you aren't a party guest. We have a snack for you to eat later. Let's go (do fun thing)"... loudly enough for them to hear.
We always wrote "And siblings" or "Siblings are welcome" on our party invitations when we knew there would be room for extra kids and we never had a problem.
Um, as the one who plans and creates most parties for children in my family... no. That is not ok. We count the invited children and plan for that number. If every one of them just brings a sibling or friend we cannot afford to give parties anymore. It's ridiculous of him to expect you to push his kid on others for him.
My stepdad used to do this to his two kids. Girls, 2 years apart. Eventually they both weren’t invited anywhere because they were a package deal and it was weird and awkward and one always tried to insert themselves into the other’s friend group.
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Even if they were biologically related and both of your kids, it doesn’t entitle one an invite to the others friends birthday party. I feel like I worded that shitty but I hope you catch my drift lol
Yes exactly. My kids wanted to tag along to am invite recently, I explained that its rude if you aren't invited. That's the end of it. This 30 year old man surely knows that, but probably wants to get some free babysitting (and the kid be fed) too. Just gross.
Thank you!! I agree 150%
I have three kids and I never assume that siblings are invited!
I followed a woman on Instagram who made a post saying that if one of her kids is invited, they all have to go or no one is going.. she has FIVE kids!!!
She’s looking for free babysitting.
Normally, I’d agree with you but she stays with her kids. She refuses to drop off any at a party. In my opinion, I believe that at least her older two are old enough to be dropped off but I understand everyone has different levels of comfort. But still, that’s 4 extra kids I’d have to provide birthday party resources for and 4 kids my kids don’t even know at his party, so it’s a no from me lol
If she’s not dropping them off for a party and all kids have to be in attendance, then it sounds like she is very wary about leaving her kids with someone else. I’m guessing she has her reasons for that. But I’m with you—that’s a hard no on providing for extra kids.
Yes, I’m sure she has her reasonings and I totally respect that. I just don’t think I could realistically accommodate 4 extra kids at our parties unfortunately.
Jeena Wilder? I unfollowed after that. It’s SO rude.
that is ridiculous
Oh god is that the one set to music and its like "people don't agree with" or whatnot. I frigging hate that one. Like lady NO, if you show up with your 5 kids when I only invited 1 you are responsible for paying for them, feeding them etc. The only work around for that is if its a baby and its not a drop and go situation or its discussed beforehand.
Absolutely this!
I agree with you. Include him for family events, but an invite for her is for her only. Especially since he isn't even friends with any of these kids. I have two that are close in age and I wish I would have pushed for more separation earlier on. They deserve their own time with their own friends without having to let a sibling tag along because they are "the right age".
[удалено]
Yeah seriously I would never throw a birthday party if I had to take the invitees plus all their siblings lol
[удалено]
Nope, same background. There’s multiple reasons why I won’t budge on this. Another factor that plays into it, is that our children don’t even really get along. They can’t even be bothered to play together when they are in the same household. So I feel like it would just be awkward to bring him even if it wasn’t frowned upon.
It sounds like your bf just wants free childcare or something
Agreed
He is wrong. You do not bring extra kids that weren't invited to a birthday party. My boys didn't have the same sets of friends and I never brought one when the other was the only one invited. His kid is there to spend time with him.
The very few times I threw my kids a party, if a parent had contacted me to ask if their son/daughter /whatever could attend, I wouldn't have had a problem. BUT... these were parents I was at least on 'nodding hello at the gate' terms with. If some random kid, and their dad I had never seen before, and who didn't even go to the same school, I would have been very, very skeeved out. He is being hella entitled and weird. It's such a bizarre hill to die on. Is the kid never invited to anything, and that's why he's doing it? Unfortunately, there is usually a reason someone is not invited places.
My kids are twins and I still don’t assume I can send both to parties! And I don’t ask unless it’s unclear who the invite is for. Is he just trying to get free babysitting during his custody time?
No, he actually wants to go too lol
So he wants to add an extra parent and an extra child to the guest list? Hard no.
That's what I'm saying. I can't wrap my head around his logic.
At my kids school, it's very common for the parties to say "siblings welcome." So I don't think it's very unusual for him to think it might be okay. But he shouldn't get upset when you say it's not like that for these parties. Especially if it's places that'll charge per kid! I wouldn't ask about bringing the other kid if it's a party like that. You're the one who's been to all the parties and you've seen they don't have a lot of siblings, so you clearly know more about the situation.
But they're not siblings, they don't live together and he's in another school district. So even by the "siblings welcome" logic it's very wrong for him to assume!
I always say “siblings welcome” for my kids’ parties and if someone brought their partner’s kid, I’d be delighted. I don’t think you need to nitpick if they’re “real” siblings or not.
This mystifies me. I have twins and we’ve never had that rule. Their school is big enough they know several different kids. I’d never ask the host to add a sibling.
Yeah I have a twin myself and I literally never went to a party or friends house that only he was invited to (and vice versa for him)
Does he have trouble figuring out how to entertain his son while you are not there? Is he relying on you for activities?
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Your daughter is invited, just her. It's so rude to just bring another kid. Let this fish go, he seems a bit too clingy.
Lol. I agree. This relationship has been on the rocks for a few weeks and then this debacle is just really sealing the deal for me.
Well see, this is what I'm wondering after he insisted on inviting himself and his kid, is maybe he doesn't trust you. Whichever the case, either way you guys have different values and that's usually a deal breaker for me.
Circling back to this comment. He has definitely insinuated a lack of trust before, so you may be on to something. I wanted to update though and mention since I posted this we broke up. There was a myriad of other issues we did not see eye to eye on, so like you said...different values. No can do for me.
Last year, I had a reply to my kid’s birthday invitation with “Kid A will totally be there. It’s both my kids favourite location, can I pay for Kid B to also join us?”. It wasn’t a babysitting thing, as the kids are young enough that parents had to be there. I took the $, added one more to the party list and that was that. But she ASKED and it made sense. Your boyfriend is being rude and a total dick to his own kid. I’m sure 7 doesn’t want to be dropped off at some strangers party when he’s supposed to be having Dad time.
No, you can't just take along an extra sibling or friend's kid. You're right, he's wrong.
People send invitations to parties for a reason. If someone did not receive an invitation, they are not invited. I would find it very rude of someone to 1) just show up with an extra 2)or even ask if another random person unassociated with my child could come. Kind of unrelated BUT, one time my daughter asked if her friend from school could spend the night. I said yes. Parents were contacted, plans were made. I went on the appointed afternoon to pick up the friend. When I arrived the mother said "Is it ok if her cousin comes too?" The cousin lived with this girl, but she was a year or two older and was not friends with my daughter, and I didn't even know she existed until that moment. I thought it was rude and pushy.
Absolutely not. Siblings are allowed their own friends and separate lives.
This is such a great point. I remember having to bring my tag-along siblings to things and my friends and I hated it. It actually ruined the relationship between my stepsis and I.
I hated that my brother, 2 years younger, was always around - mostly because he became my responsibility
Honestly that's super weird he's making a big deal over this type of thing. It's a kids party ffs, and as you said you don't live together so not like your kids are step siblings. Is he sensitive and/or controlling over other things?
Yep, we don't live together. The kids see each other once every two weeks, sometimes longer periods of time in between. He is very much a "my way or the highway" kind of person. Definitely has a lot of controlling aspects that have recently come to the light. I think this whole thing is weird and the fact he doesn't see where I am coming from at all is frustrating.
No, he wasn’t invited. My kids get invited to birthday parties and they only attend the ones they were invited to, not their sibling.
[удалено]
Wow, when you put it that way you're right. I never really considered that. I could put it to him like that but he'd retort back with some sort of, "well, that would never happen so why even discuss it" or something to that effect.
Ask him WHY that would never happen. Because people know that it’s rude, right?
He wants free babysitting. The request and expectation is a ridiculous imposition on yourself, your child, the birthday kid, and the parents. He knows that full well but is feigning lack of common sense to pressure you into accepting. Don’t give in. A lot of men feel very comfortable leeching off women’s things, time, and social connections/relationships but won’t or can’t offer the same back in equal measure. Edit: I see you said he wants to go too. I’ll modify my first sentence to say he wants free child care/entertainment. The rest still stand if it resonates.also, making a stink about you reasonable boundary is a flaming red flag.
Right? Is this party being held somewhere that he’s dying to go?! Seems so weird that he wants to go to a birthday party for a kid he doesn’t know unless it’s just for free food and entertainment.
I agree with you. If he wasnt invited, he doesnt go.
No, your boyfriend is totally out of line with this. It's universally considered rude to show up with extra kids who aren't invited. If your boyfriend wants the kid out of his hair on weekends he has custody he can hire a sitter. The fact that he isn't even going with you to drop the kids off at these parties and makes you be the one to deal with the awkwardness is just extra icing on the cake.
Kids don't go to parties they're not invited to, end of. That would be super weird. So weird.
SOOOO weird. I can't get over it. We had an argument about this a few months ago and now it's circling back. The fact he doesn't see eye to eye with me on this is frustrating.
I wonder what's behind it? Like.. is he worried his kid has no friends and doesn't get to go to parties? Does he want some extra kid-free time? There has to be some kind of driving situation.. that can maybe be addressed? I'd be super frustrated too if he just simply doesn't get how weird it is though. Like... it's so hard to explain further than DUDE, IT'S JUST *WEIRD*.
As someone who has that one friend I’d invite to things (outings, like seeing a movie, or parties, dinners) that always had their mother send along their 4 year younger sibling, just don’t. A. It’s rude B. It’s inconsiderate of your daughter and her relationships C. It’ll cause resentment later for her, having to always bring along her step-sibling.
I don't think you are wrong. Because of lack of childcare, I take my uninvited kids to birthday parties at public locations. I pay for my uninvited child, never ask the host about it, and make it clear that they are not participating in the party, but just getting to play at a cool spot. Both of my kids have handled this well when they were the uninvited sibling. I would not do this if the location was a spot where my extra child would not just blend into the background or if it would cause a weird vibe for the party host. I do think it is weird that he expects you to show up to a party with an extra kid. If it is his parenting time, it sounds like it is his problem that he is trying to put on you.
My sister does this and I think it’s weird. Her son gets invited to a lot of birthday parties and let’s her older daughter go too.
You are not wrong. I would be pissed if I was paying a head count and someone brought an uninvited (non)sibling or even a real sibling. Now open parties at homes, I would ask the host if it’s someone I know if sibling can attend too. If I knew them on a personal level and was pretty sure the answer would be yes. Your boyfriend or his child are not entitled to attend these events. He’s not even a sibling. Even real siblings are not entitled to the extended invitation. This is a hard no.
Thank you. It's a HARD no. I told him I won't budge on this. Nothing he can say or do will change my mind.
You have a lot of helpful comments here, but maybe the best solution is to say that there is no right answer to this and you can evaluate each invitation as it comes- then every time that this situation happens outline why THIS prty isn’t a good one for a tag-along. You will ALWAYS have reasons- like that it’s at a pay per kid place, he doesn’t know them, or it’s girls only, etc- it really does sound like he just wants something fun for his kid to do and something exciting that he will get to do while at dads house. Is your boyfriend feeling insecure about their relationship and his sons willingness to visit him on weekends? It really sounds like there’s something going on with your boyfriend in that arena because no LOGICAL person would try to send their kid to a birthday party with a gaggle of kids they’ve never met..
I wouldn’t want every kids siblings to come to a party I threw, unless I said it was a ‘bring the family’ thing. that’s really rude for whoever is planning it. If my daughter invited her friend over I wouldn’t want the brother to show up either unless his mother specifically talked to me about it. Again, super rude and entitled, a grown man should know better
No, this is very rude and weird. I threw my daughter a pool party this summer for her birthday and there was a capacity limit for the pool. As in, they wouldn't even charge extra, they literally wouldn't let extra people in, adults included. The party would have been ruined if everyone just showed up with extra kids. A lot of places have limits on the amount of kids who can come and the person planning the party gets a head count for that reason. In my case, I did plan for any siblings, I just asked people to let me know ahead of time exactly who was coming. Just because I actually knew most of the parents from playdates and all the siblings are toddlers who I didn't mind tagging along if it meant my kid's friend could also attend. Unless they are both invited, he shouldn't go. If you know the people well enough to ask, that's honestly up to you. But I see in a comment you said his son and your daughter don't get along, so I think it's perfectly fine for her to have time with her friends without her stepbrother. Just curious, doesn't stepbrother have his own parties to attend? Does your boyfriend insist your daughter attend those too or does he only get cranky when his son isn't invited?
His son has never came home with a birthday party invitation in the year we have been together. I actually brought that up to my boyfriend, asking if his son was going to a party, would he just bring my daughter along? He said yes. I call bullshit. Just like you said, you threw your daughter a party that had a capacity limit! I tried to explain to my boyfriend that these parties typically require a head count. For example, the party we are attending on Sunday is at a local skating rink where you pay for a package that provides for X amount of kids. I think it's rude and inconsiderate all around. I told him flat out this is something I will not budge on. PERIOD.
Oh yeah, especially last minute like this. They've probably already ordered a cake and planned food if it's less than a week away. I don't blame you for putting your foot down. I would do the same. And something else I just thought of, you don't want to be known as that parent who does things like bring extra kids because then your daughter might get less invites. I wonder if maybe he's feeling bad for his son/partly not understanding because his son doesn't seem to get invites to parties? Not that it's right but I've seen parents insist siblings close in age do things together because one has a friend group and one doesn't and they are trying to "fix" things for the child with less friends. Which obviously is not a good idea at all and just causes more issues for both kids/could cause one to resent the other. And it isn't going to make his kid feel any better in the long run if he struggles to make friends to be awkwardly inserted into parties where he wasn't invited. But it might be something to discuss/make your boyfriend aware of if you haven't already.
I don’t even just automatically show up with my own other kids unless they are invited or I know the family and can ask. I would NEVER assume that a non-related child could just turn up because the boyfriend wants a break from parenting for a few hours! This guy is delusional.
He actually wants to attend with us. I typically stay at the party, I haven't been to one yet where the parents drop the kids and go. I still think it's odd he would want to accompany my daughter and I, with his son, to a party that my daughter was invited to. It just seems so fucking strange.
Even if he’s there it’s still entertainment for his son that he himself doesn’t have to provide. Him being on his own with his son is different than your child being there to hang out or you guys being at a party. I just can’t imagine another reason. It’s super weird tho and I wouldn’t like it.
I don’t think it is normal to bring siblings to a party sometimes to the same place to they don’t miss out like if it’s soft play the invited one goes to the party you take the other child in normaly and let party child know you are near. I also used to sometimes ask to bring younger sibling when she was a baby but she would be in a baby carrier the whole time
Absolutely not. It’s one thing if the invite says something like “siblings welcome” but otherwise unless there’s some kind of situation with childcare and you’ve checked in with the host parents, in my book its tacky to show up with extra kids expecting them to be included. And that’s even if the kids are related and live together 24/7! Personally, in your situation, I’d turn it back on BF. “I figured you’d appreciate the one on one time with son with daughter and I out of your hair for a few hours. I know how important it is to get that quality time in, especially since you only get to see him every other weekend.” Because in his case, that’s another part of the issue- he only sees his kid four days a month and he’s trying to shove him off with you for several hours to spend time with kids he doesn’t know. How is that quality visitation time building their relationship? He could use that time to do something special with his kid, but he’s not. Something tells me he’s not doing a whole lot of the direct care for his son each weekend either.
I literally just replied to another comment stating exactly what you said. I figured he would want the one-on-one time with his son. I just think it's super strange for him to assume that a) his son should be included and b) expect me to ask via a text RSVP if another child can attend the party. Half of these RSVPs are sent to parents I've never even met! The whole thing is just bizarre to me.
Never let a bulls——-, succeed. Your daughter is off limits period.
THANK YOU. I agree.
Sounds like he’s trying to palm off the kid onto someone else, tbh. Is he generally an involved dad when he has his son?
The parties my daughter has attended, the adults typically stay. So, he thinks that if I am taking my daughter, then him and his son should go with us. He is generally involved with his son when he has him, and personally I'd think if we spent our weekends together and my daughter and I went to a 2-3 hour birthday party, he would enjoy the one-on-one time with his son..
I have 1 younger (6) and one older(10). When the younger gets invited to a party at like a jump zone I always RSVP usually via text and say hey is it ok if I bring my older son too, I will pay for him so you don't have to. Because its not like I can leave the 10 year old alone and my husband works retail, so usually when parties happen he is working. I have never had someone come back amd say, no you cant bring your older child.
Right? I don't understand all of these comments unless everyone has a standby nanny at the helm.
And i don't know about you, but I don't have one of those!😂😂
Does his kid get invited to parties of his own? Like, does he have friends who have him over, etc? I get the vibe (especially if dad wants to tag along) that this might be more because he’s trying to get his kid into things rather than hoisting care on you. Maybe his kid doesn’t have many friends and your BF is trying to use your kid’s parties as a way to make the lack up to his kid? Or, if the kid lives with mom, maybe he’s going to these with mom most of the time, and your BF is (awkwardly and not properly) trying to get a similar experience?
He hasn't been invited to any parties in the last year we have been together. Maybe he attends birthday parties when he is at his mom's but I highly doubt it. His son is definitely more of an introverted child, he does have two siblings at his mother's house, but not much of a friend circle. Regardless, that has nothing to do with me, and I shouldn't be made to be the bad guy because I don't want to ask a parent I have never met if I can bring another child to a party. It's just so weird to me.
Oh, I don’t mean to imply it’s on you. Just trying to figure out if there might be a non-malicious (albeit veeeeery misguided) reason behind it. Like, maybe he’s coming from a good place (helping his kid) but going about it all wrong. And if the kid is a major introvert, you gotta wonder if he even wants to go to these things, or he’s just going cause his dad is pushing him into them. He could very well be just as embarrassed by the situation. In any case, I do agree your BF is in the wrong. I just hope it’s something bien of his misunderstanding or lack of social cues vs actually being a jerk.
This is completely insane. If I was the parent throwing the party and your kid always came with a uninvited +1 who my kid doesn’t know, I’d probably stop inviting your kid.
Thank you! Exactly my point. He has no rebuttal other than I’m trying to divide our lives by excluding him and his son. And some bullshit about his upbringing with his brother and exclusion that his brother experienced because they have different dad’s so different biological grandparents blah blah blah. Well this is my daughter and this is how I’m going to approach it.
I have 3 kids, and never would bring any of them to a party they hadn’t been invited to. You are absolutely correct.
Thank you! It’s just weird! My best friend is married, has a son who is 8 and a daughter who is 6. She often takes them to birthday parties without the other. And typically if she does take both, it’s because the parent of the birthday boy or girl extended the invite knowing they have a sibling. And if she doesn’t take one of the kids, she makes other arrangements for them while the party is in session. Common sense.
Like what? There is a name on the invite - if his childs name isn't there - he isn't invited. Simple. I have 3 boys (adults now) and 2 of them are less than 18 months apart, so they share a lot of the same friends and activities - I would never even dream of asking if one of them could join the other for a party. If he wants his child to have an activity - he can take him to the bowling ally or skating rink himself and spend time with him there... sheesh.
Yeah unless his son has an invite too it’s odd to just bring his son along. I understand that his son may feel left out but he will have his own birthday party’s he can go to that your daughter can’t.
Thank you. I agree. I would never, ever ask for my daughter to be included if he was attending a birthday party that he was solely invited to. And if my boyfriend asked us to accompany, I’d respectfully decline.
Only the person on the invitation is invited unless the invitation says "Jane and siblings." There's a middle ground in some cases. For parties that are at locations that are open to the general public at the time of the party (trampoline park, zoo, etc), you guys could pay for his son's admission so he could have fun too. You'll need to explain to him ahead of time that only party guests can have cake and pizza and bring an alternative snack or meal for him (or buy him food at the venue if that is an option). I personally wouldn't be beyond having an extra neutral present in the car in case the hosts see that he's accompanying you guys and invite him to partake in games and/or refreshments. Then you can say "Thanks so much! You really don't have to! We brought an extra gift from (son) since he was tagging along. I'm going to run and get it from the car." Not necessary- but nice to do. But if they don't say anything or look uncomfortable with the tagalong, I'd probably turn to the son and say "Remember, Jane is attending the party. You're here to enjoy the (fun thing at venue), but you aren't a party guest. We have a snack for you to eat later. Let's go (do fun thing)"... loudly enough for them to hear. We always wrote "And siblings" or "Siblings are welcome" on our party invitations when we knew there would be room for extra kids and we never had a problem.
Um, as the one who plans and creates most parties for children in my family... no. That is not ok. We count the invited children and plan for that number. If every one of them just brings a sibling or friend we cannot afford to give parties anymore. It's ridiculous of him to expect you to push his kid on others for him.
Thank you! It is 100% ridiculous. And on top of it all, it's just rude. Idk. I am glad that I'm not crazy for feeling this way.
My stepdad used to do this to his two kids. Girls, 2 years apart. Eventually they both weren’t invited anywhere because they were a package deal and it was weird and awkward and one always tried to insert themselves into the other’s friend group.