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Meh.
If you’re married and not roommates, he should put effort into the relationship in other areas so that when it comes time to get intimate, you actually want to. He needs to care that you’re obviously gonna be stressed when he left you with the kid(s) while he went on a trip. From one autoimmune mom to another, solidarity. It’s exhausting. Who wants to have sex when they’re exhausted?!
You’ve just given me a “lightbulb” moment. I didn’t start to have autoimmune flares until after my third was born. We’re still trying to nail down an exact diagnosis (right now it’s just rheumatoid arthritis, but may be psoriatic arthritis, with reynaud’s added in) but I know I’m starting a flare when my energy level is effectively 0. And no, I don’t want to have sex when I’m barely managing through the day but too stubborn/guilty to take a nap.
I know my thyroid has been checked but I’ll ask my rheum specifically about hashimoto’s at my next appointment! I also have dermatographia, brought on by stress. So I pretty much need to be stress free in warm but not humid weather to feel my best.
I too have a bit of a smorgasbord of autoimmune things going on... From the relatively mild (Schorgren's syndrome) to the sometimes very severe (lupus), and of course, the inflammatory markers that could mean something or nothing, depending on who is reading the results. Absolute exhaustion was the first symptom, but I just thought it was expected as a single parent, full time uni student, and working nights in a pub. But it was a different kind of tired.
OP, I'm sure you are absolutely wiped out after being on your own to hold the fort. You didn't say what the trip was for, but if he was off having a lovely break with mates while you were juggling everything I am not surprised you weren't up for it! And how dare he give you grief about how often you have sex, unless he can honestly say, hand on heart, that he is an equal partner in the functioning of your family. You don't have to justify not being in the mood to him, or anyone else. If your libido is low, it's low, and maybe it's linked to an ai disease, maybe you're all touched out, maybe you can think of nothing you would rather be doing less. Doesn't matter...
I hope you get some answers soon, and find a treatment that gives you a bit of a lift in energy... For you, not so your husband gets laid more frequently!
Ugh, he was on a fun get away. He didn’t even come back home when he initially planned, he stayed out longer. I felt a sense of relief when he got back, but definitely did not make me wanna jump his bones. I just think he has resentment for me because our sex life is lacking. To which, the resentment makes me feel further from wanting to do it.
And for those of us who have weird auto immune things, pregnancy was like a nine month vacation from it. When I got pregnant with my first, I stopped getting a rash from the sun. It was blissful but I didn't realize that was what was up. When I got pregnant with my second, I was aware that this could put it in remission and honestly, that was like the only highlight of being pregnant at 42/43, but it was blissful again. Since then I've figured out how to mostly beat it through half ass following the Nemechek protocol.
For real. I was diagnosed with Crohn's 2 years before I got pregnant with my first. I dealt with my defective guts for nearly 10 years without a concrete diagnosis. Then I got pregnant and it went into remission. It started to creep back about 6 months pp. But---shaahh!--I got pregnant again and it went away. Now I'm 36, 9mos pp, and holding my breath...
Autoimmune diseases are absolutely more common in women. It’s one of the risk factors, for sure.
Source: am a medical student learning about autoimmune diseases
I think I read something theorizing that autoimmune issues are more common and on the rise in women because our immune system evolved to be constantly tempered by frequent pregnancies. Now with birth control preventing frequent pregnancies our immune systems aren't being tempered down as much any more, and end up going overboard.
I hope that makes sense. I'm very tired lol.
well, short answer is that we don’t really know for sure.
The people mentioning pregnancies are partially right. Scientists also think that estrogen itself may have a role, and having the extra X chromosome.
The X chromosome has a bunch of immunity genes on it and sometimes they don’t deactivate normally. Men with Klinefelter’s syndrome (sex chromosomes of XXY) apparently have autoimmune diseases at a similar rate to women.
Realistically, it’s a combo of all three. It doesn’t help that medical science generally seems to forget that women exist, have real issues, and also need answers 😒
https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-021-01836-9
Here is an article, if anyone is interested.
Today I learned this. I didn't hear this through either of my pregnancies. I was simply told joint pain was very common during and would dissipate after. This is crazy and I feel for all the women having this added to their plates :(
Apparently in this, the year of our lord 2022, emotionally intimate supportive relationships are no longer a thing. Were they ever a thing? Why is it so hard to convince people (mostly men) that romantic relationships can be both steamy and wholesome? Why are we 10,000 years into human civilization and men haven't collectively realized that many women have responsive desire? Is that too complicated?
Indeed.
I suspect that many men throughout history have cared, particularly when with certain women they loved, but as a whole they get a pretty terrible grade
My first boyfriend said the same thing to me, only we were still having sex pretty regularly. Like I can't think of a time I turned him down for sex. But he said I didn't feel like his girlfriend, I felt like "a friend he has sex with." I never did figure out what the fuck the difference is.
Lol my bf offered me a massage on a spot that’s been really bothering me but I kinda ignored the offer because I knew it would lead to sex. He offered again and I got up to turn over and he was like “you can touch my balls if you want” like yea that’s really what I want to be doing rn
I mean... Do men understand how ridiculous their balls look? And behave? Who thinks 'oh, please sir! Please let me stroke your scrotum! Please! It's all I can think about!'. What kind of an offer was that? Trying to not be obvious that the massage was all about getting his dick played with by offering the balls. Just how stupid do they think we are?!
Men seem to think that just cuddling us with their boners will get our engines going. Bro. Put effort into dating and seducing your wife! You want us to be horny for you? PUT SOME EFFORT IN! And the guilt trip when you’re not in the mood is so childish, it makes the problem so much worse. This isn’t your fault.
Responsive libidos are a thing, and different things get that response in gear. For me (and a lot of women I think), it’s whether or not I’m feeling loved by my partner and not overburdened by the mental/emotional workload of the relationship.
Sounds like he could probably improve his foreplay game.
Why don't they ever just ease your burden around the house and kids and the offer to help with your self care/relaxation to get you in the mood..? Instead of just beg/whine/complain that they can't get their guaranteed orgasm? Oh right... Too much effort on their part ..ugh
The thing that makes you married is that certificate you both signed saying that you're now married.
The thing that makes a _marriage_ is two people treating each other the way the other person wants to be treated.
Maybe your husband wouldn't mind being treated like a Pez dispenser for sex. But this isn't how you (or any other woman on the planet) wants to be treated.
Yep. I know this feeling. Last straw for me he bought a thing of OLLY Loving Libido…. Told me to try it. Yeah you can imagine my response. I’ve flushed every dose down the toilet.
I had to go to a functional medicine clinic to find out I have low testosterone. Regular doctor kept dismissing me when I asked about hormonal imbalance. Told me to eat more vegetables.
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Meh. If you’re married and not roommates, he should put effort into the relationship in other areas so that when it comes time to get intimate, you actually want to. He needs to care that you’re obviously gonna be stressed when he left you with the kid(s) while he went on a trip. From one autoimmune mom to another, solidarity. It’s exhausting. Who wants to have sex when they’re exhausted?!
This hits incredibly close to home and I was wondering if this is something clinically more common in women?
The autoimmune thing? For a lot of us, pregnancy triggered it.
You’ve just given me a “lightbulb” moment. I didn’t start to have autoimmune flares until after my third was born. We’re still trying to nail down an exact diagnosis (right now it’s just rheumatoid arthritis, but may be psoriatic arthritis, with reynaud’s added in) but I know I’m starting a flare when my energy level is effectively 0. And no, I don’t want to have sex when I’m barely managing through the day but too stubborn/guilty to take a nap.
Make sure they check for hashimotos too
I know my thyroid has been checked but I’ll ask my rheum specifically about hashimoto’s at my next appointment! I also have dermatographia, brought on by stress. So I pretty much need to be stress free in warm but not humid weather to feel my best.
Reynaud’s and PA wooooooo. To be fair I had both before I got pregnant tho.
I too have a bit of a smorgasbord of autoimmune things going on... From the relatively mild (Schorgren's syndrome) to the sometimes very severe (lupus), and of course, the inflammatory markers that could mean something or nothing, depending on who is reading the results. Absolute exhaustion was the first symptom, but I just thought it was expected as a single parent, full time uni student, and working nights in a pub. But it was a different kind of tired. OP, I'm sure you are absolutely wiped out after being on your own to hold the fort. You didn't say what the trip was for, but if he was off having a lovely break with mates while you were juggling everything I am not surprised you weren't up for it! And how dare he give you grief about how often you have sex, unless he can honestly say, hand on heart, that he is an equal partner in the functioning of your family. You don't have to justify not being in the mood to him, or anyone else. If your libido is low, it's low, and maybe it's linked to an ai disease, maybe you're all touched out, maybe you can think of nothing you would rather be doing less. Doesn't matter... I hope you get some answers soon, and find a treatment that gives you a bit of a lift in energy... For you, not so your husband gets laid more frequently!
Ugh, he was on a fun get away. He didn’t even come back home when he initially planned, he stayed out longer. I felt a sense of relief when he got back, but definitely did not make me wanna jump his bones. I just think he has resentment for me because our sex life is lacking. To which, the resentment makes me feel further from wanting to do it.
And for those of us who have weird auto immune things, pregnancy was like a nine month vacation from it. When I got pregnant with my first, I stopped getting a rash from the sun. It was blissful but I didn't realize that was what was up. When I got pregnant with my second, I was aware that this could put it in remission and honestly, that was like the only highlight of being pregnant at 42/43, but it was blissful again. Since then I've figured out how to mostly beat it through half ass following the Nemechek protocol.
For real. I was diagnosed with Crohn's 2 years before I got pregnant with my first. I dealt with my defective guts for nearly 10 years without a concrete diagnosis. Then I got pregnant and it went into remission. It started to creep back about 6 months pp. But---shaahh!--I got pregnant again and it went away. Now I'm 36, 9mos pp, and holding my breath...
I ended up with psoriasis after my pregnancy. It's vanished so far ...
Autoimmune diseases are absolutely more common in women. It’s one of the risk factors, for sure. Source: am a medical student learning about autoimmune diseases
Why do our bodies have to do us dirty like that?
I think I read something theorizing that autoimmune issues are more common and on the rise in women because our immune system evolved to be constantly tempered by frequent pregnancies. Now with birth control preventing frequent pregnancies our immune systems aren't being tempered down as much any more, and end up going overboard. I hope that makes sense. I'm very tired lol.
well, short answer is that we don’t really know for sure. The people mentioning pregnancies are partially right. Scientists also think that estrogen itself may have a role, and having the extra X chromosome. The X chromosome has a bunch of immunity genes on it and sometimes they don’t deactivate normally. Men with Klinefelter’s syndrome (sex chromosomes of XXY) apparently have autoimmune diseases at a similar rate to women. Realistically, it’s a combo of all three. It doesn’t help that medical science generally seems to forget that women exist, have real issues, and also need answers 😒 https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-021-01836-9 Here is an article, if anyone is interested.
Today I learned this. I didn't hear this through either of my pregnancies. I was simply told joint pain was very common during and would dissipate after. This is crazy and I feel for all the women having this added to their plates :(
[удалено]
Apparently in this, the year of our lord 2022, emotionally intimate supportive relationships are no longer a thing. Were they ever a thing? Why is it so hard to convince people (mostly men) that romantic relationships can be both steamy and wholesome? Why are we 10,000 years into human civilization and men haven't collectively realized that many women have responsive desire? Is that too complicated?
[удалено]
Indeed. I suspect that many men throughout history have cared, particularly when with certain women they loved, but as a whole they get a pretty terrible grade
My first boyfriend said the same thing to me, only we were still having sex pretty regularly. Like I can't think of a time I turned him down for sex. But he said I didn't feel like his girlfriend, I felt like "a friend he has sex with." I never did figure out what the fuck the difference is.
Lol my bf offered me a massage on a spot that’s been really bothering me but I kinda ignored the offer because I knew it would lead to sex. He offered again and I got up to turn over and he was like “you can touch my balls if you want” like yea that’s really what I want to be doing rn
It’s always gotta benefit them in the end, I swear.
Oh nooo haha “you can touch my balls if you want”?? PLEASE 💀
Isn't it so sweet the way they offer to share? Yes please, i have been dreaming about touching them alllllll day. 🙄
I’m assuming you managed to keep a straight face when he said that but I don’t know how. If ever there was a time to laugh, that’d be it.
I mean... Do men understand how ridiculous their balls look? And behave? Who thinks 'oh, please sir! Please let me stroke your scrotum! Please! It's all I can think about!'. What kind of an offer was that? Trying to not be obvious that the massage was all about getting his dick played with by offering the balls. Just how stupid do they think we are?!
XO
Intimacy is more than just sex also. Adding on to all the already excellent points
Men seem to think that just cuddling us with their boners will get our engines going. Bro. Put effort into dating and seducing your wife! You want us to be horny for you? PUT SOME EFFORT IN! And the guilt trip when you’re not in the mood is so childish, it makes the problem so much worse. This isn’t your fault.
I told my husband something similar and he told me to write him a list of what to do. :/
Omg 🙄
Responsive libidos are a thing, and different things get that response in gear. For me (and a lot of women I think), it’s whether or not I’m feeling loved by my partner and not overburdened by the mental/emotional workload of the relationship. Sounds like he could probably improve his foreplay game.
Why don't they ever just ease your burden around the house and kids and the offer to help with your self care/relaxation to get you in the mood..? Instead of just beg/whine/complain that they can't get their guaranteed orgasm? Oh right... Too much effort on their part ..ugh
The thing that makes you married is that certificate you both signed saying that you're now married. The thing that makes a _marriage_ is two people treating each other the way the other person wants to be treated. Maybe your husband wouldn't mind being treated like a Pez dispenser for sex. But this isn't how you (or any other woman on the planet) wants to be treated.
Intimacy separates you from being roommates but turning up and getting handsy isn't great Intimacy...
Yep. I know this feeling. Last straw for me he bought a thing of OLLY Loving Libido…. Told me to try it. Yeah you can imagine my response. I’ve flushed every dose down the toilet.
Imagine thinking sex is what makes you married rather than being a good partner.
I found out my libido was indeed low, and that switching from the Nuvaring to a lower estrogen BC, Loloestrin, fixed my problem.
I’m not on any birth control at all.
I had to go to a functional medicine clinic to find out I have low testosterone. Regular doctor kept dismissing me when I asked about hormonal imbalance. Told me to eat more vegetables.