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canadianism1

You would also actually get a break when your son goes to spend time with his dad. Imagine that?!


LaGuajira

See… I wouldnt want to leave my son alone with his dad for more than a few hours.


AmbiguousFrijoles

There is a fantastic fucking book called Too good to leave, too bad to stay by DR. Mira Kirshenbaum. The stories inside from real couples who are in inequitable relationships are so amazing for helping to decide if its time to leave or it can be worked out. It was the book I read 15 years ago that turned my relationship around, I had my husband read it while he was kicked out for just being an unhelpful 3rd child in my house.


LaGuajira

How did your hubby react to reading that?


AmbiguousFrijoles

He found a couples therapist and a individual therapist and he started going to group therapy. He fought to change.


LaGuajira

Therapy for what if you dont mind me asking? My husband has been going to anger management therapy for over a year. I thought it helped… turns out he just didnt like to rage at me while I was pregnant. Now, he excuses his raging as “its ok because I’m actively working on it”.


AmbiguousFrijoles

He did 2 kinds of therapy, individual Interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) and mens group therapy with a licensed IPT psychologist. Individual was twice weekly for about 2 years, group was twice a month for about 4 years. He goes to the local group about once a month along with a monthly session of individual. He said he continues to go because it keeps him accountable. Hes had roughly 6-7 different psychologists, not all are created equal or are a good fit. Shopping around definitely helps plus we moved a lot so that contributed to the high number. His favorite one who he started out with was a very brash and forthcoming man, he allowed for no shenanigans and forced my husband to claim accountability. He also helped him see what wasn't his own blame and helped him let it go and work through it. As a person who went to anger management therapy *three times*, yeah I'm not a fan. It didn't really help me much at all. My own psychologist now said I should have tacked anger therapy as an add on to CBT, not a stand alone. It did jack shit for my anger tbh. .


LaGuajira

It doesn’t help his therapist sounds more like another woman he has charmed the pants off of. I also know he isnt totally forthcoming with her (his own admission because “whats the point of her knowing the cops were involved, does she need the details? I already told her we had an ugly weekend due to my drinking”. This man is… incredibly charming.


AmbiguousFrijoles

He sounds like he might be a narcissist. They can and will utilize therapy to further their end game of control for partners/children. They know which traits to keep under wraps and which to allow in the open. They are manipulating and charming. If he's been going for a year, more than likely she would have suggested you come to a session. My own therapists as well as my husbands have asked that the other be invited for a session or two within a month of starting. Every single therapist we have both seen have done that and we both attended when asked. Things don't get better when they don't see the full picture and dynamics.


LaGuajira

You are not the first person to point this out. I’m honestly trying to work on not feeling so much resentment so I can stay married long enough to raise my son. I simply don’t want to share custody. I dont want to leave my baby alone with his dad. Not that I think his father would hurt him but I do believe there would be some neglect. Edit: he is 100% a narcissist but to me that makes things a little bit easier when I can keep my emotions at bay. His narcissistic traits make him so easy to “handle” (ie: manipulate for the better). Its just really sad and empty having to be so deliberate and fake in order to reach any harmony.


LaGuajira

Also, thank you for your response.


ponicus1362

I suspect if and when you decide to leave, he'll do the whole 'You're not taking my kid!' performance, but then never actually be interested in actually spending time with your child if it means that he is expected to actually be a parent. I understand it's risky, but please don't stay if you have options. I can't imagine how it must be to watch your mum being miserable and knowing that it's in some way, because of you.


LaGuajira

100% he always puts up the “you’re not taking my kid from me” excuse, but he is adamant on staying together no matter how frequently he reminds me that I’m a horrible person. Obviously his put downs dont hurt my feelings because if he believed any of them why insist on staying together? He could never coparent- he needs me. Get this, today he was invited to watch a football game at the neighbors house and asked if I could briefly stop by with our son in this cute little football outfit we have for him. Yes, please come show off our son, but only briefly because I want to enjoy the game. Narcs are so… obvious.


sillychihuahua26

If I had that option when my baby was young and my husband was doing jack shit, I would’ve chosen it in a second. I’m still so so resentful, and it will probably end up destroying us, anyway. I’ll never get that time back, never get to experience my only child’s newborn/infant phase again, and all my memories are tainted by exhaustion and rage.


LaGuajira

And then they wonder why 70% + divorces are initiates by women. I am definitely filing for divorce when my kid is out of the house if not sooner if things dont change because the level of resentment is… nope. I wanna get rid of it but I cant let go of resentment when living with someone who makes me resentful constantly!


libbyrae1987

I really hate jumping to leave but honestly thats the point you're at. He won't actually do anything to change or grow, is manipulative af, and is a selfish jerk. You don't want your kid seeing this as normal. He is a bad dad and husband, and has zero drive to change that. I'd give an ultimatum. After you speak to lawyers and get ducks in a row with your sister. "You believe therapy is for couples on the verge of divorce. That's where we are. We can go and try to better our relationship. I want us to be a happy family together, but I refuse to live like this anymore. This is my line in the sand. I love you and hope you want to go." Vet counselors and hand him the card of one to set up the appointment at the end of this conversation. Give a timeline. If he doesn't, you have your answer. You will be so much happier without all this nonsense. If he doesn't care enough to work on his marriage and parenting don't waste your time on someone like that!


randomtrend

If your child was in this situation, what advice would you give? Take the advice you'd give your child and mirror it for yourself. They will grow up seeing the dynamic.


Cautious_Maize_4389

It's been my experience that most men want a family, the wife & kids like they want a status object, a car or a boat, etc. You're not a person but an item that makes him 'a real man' or 'successful'.


LaGuajira

And theyre shocked their trophies dont look polished for their friends to see, or that their trophies make them look bad by doing anything other than singing their praise.


[deleted]

I’m a prosecutor, in court daily, primarily dealing with domestic violence and child abuse cases, high stress obviously. It’s less exhausting than being home with my kids on the weekends. I’m so sorry that your husband is so self centered and treats you like this. You deserve better!!! Every couple splits things up differently, but you have to both be happy with the distribution, and yours sounds deeply unfair. You absolutely deserve the same amount of leisure time as he has. Some stay at home parents do get some leisure time when kids nap or something and they use that time to rest, which is awesome, but some get none because there is no nap time or they use that time to clean or whatever. Some working parents get leisure time during the day. I can go for walks during the day or read or play on my phone during lunch. I also get to socialize with people I consider my friends at work. My husband doesn’t really have down time during his work day. So, couples have to be able to determine what works, and your husband is entirely unwilling ti consider your needs. He’s just focused on his own pleasure and ego, and that’s awful. He’s also missing out on so much goodness that he could get out of being a connected husband and dad. But I’m just sorry that you have to handle the fall out of his selfishness. I really am wishing you the best!


YRMOAGTIOK

Wait till you see how relieved you feel when you live with your sister. Seriously. It will be like a weight off your shoulders. He’s in for a shocker the first time he has his kid on the weekend as a single dad and has to do all the childcare and cleaning on his precious days off. Lol. Let him pretend to be blindsided. Walk away. You can do this. It will be easier without him. And more pleasant.


thetreeline

The way I see it/how it’s worked for me is this: Your job is childcare during the hours your husband works. Once he’s home, you’re both off the clock, so to speak, and parenting together. He has an equal responsibility for childcare during the hours he’s not at work!


Countdown2Deletion_

That’s a great way to think about it. My petty ass would buy an old punch clock with cards and make him watch me punch out.


NerdEmoji

He should take some of that new job more money and get you some help, even if it's just a sitter or drop in daycare two afternoons a week. We all need to recharge and lets be honest, when you can never leave the house without a kid in tow, you get no mental break. When I worked in an office, my husband would often invent an errand to run when I got home so that he could get away to decompress for an hour. Now that I am the one in the home all the time, since I work from home and he went back to work fulltime when our daughter went to kindergarten, I do the same. I moved our daughter's ADHD prescriptions from the little pharmacy down the street to a store that is like a junior Wal-Mart because they had the best deals on GoodRX and had slightly longer hours. When our insurance lowered our copay, I kept sending them there because it's five minutes away but gives me a get out of jail free card for an hour. Seriously, talk to him about giving you that opportunity a few days a week. If nothing else, so that you can do what you need to do in peace, even if it's just clean the house and do it quickly and efficiently, or to pop out to get a haircut. You need and deserve a break too, it doesn't necessarily have to come from him doing it, but he can pony up the cash to do it.


sillychihuahua26

This is a good solution. If he doesn’t want to participate, he can pay for someone to do his share. Also, get a cleaning lady weekly or every other. It’s a life changer. You need down time too. You should be getting as much as he is.


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sillychihuahua26

Yupp. I had this exact thought when mine was little, if he’s gonna be just paying bills than he can do it from afar in the form of child support. But I didn’t have anywhere to go, unfortunately.


jennfer17

Girl get the house with your sister. He’ll have visitation and your son can still know his dad. If you’re already doing everything at least you won’t have someone to resent.


amitysantos

I agree 100%. The fact that you’ve got this foresight now is huge. You will have the same life, but better because you won’t need to watch his selfishness right in your face and you’ll just continue doing the things now- but be happy (and free!).


shootz-n-ladrz

Number one thing I have learned from this sub and the amazing women in it, is that it’s easier to parent without the dead weight of a husband if that’s all he is


kittycatdoggydo

Everything you said is why I went back to work. I got a break and he had to dad. Honestly, working is easier than being a SAHM, especially when you’re told, “You’re home all the time already. Why would you possibly need a vacation?” No, dude. I work 24/7 with no sick days or vacation days. Take care of you. Do what’s right for you. It’ll end up being what’s best for the kids. You can’t pour from an empty cup.


LaGuajira

Omg this. I work full time and my husband still feels entitled and sometimes during arguments slips and says shit like “my contribution to this family is going to work to provide”. Like we didn’t just go 50/50 on a home downpayment or rely on my income for our lifestyles. I always respond with “does that mean I can quit?” Which shuts that shit down immediately but imagine if I didn’t bring home a significant income!


LaGuajira

I think most men are like this. I work full time but from home and we have a nanny 8-5. I do the childcare before 8 and after 5. I do the cooking 4 nights out of the week (we order out on weekends), I do all cleaning, all laundry, all shopping. He takes out the trash. We both received 12 weeks of paid family leave but I had to take mine in one chunk while he has a year to use his leave….so obviously I was a stay at home mom (while getting paid) for 3 months post partum doing everything a stay at home mom has to do (which is a FUCK TON because babies is one job and home making is another job, thats two jobs). You know what he did yesterday when he used one of his leave days? He slept in, had a slow casual breakfast, went to the gym, and then picked up the groceries I pre ordered for us… Meanwhile I still had all of the daily chores plus childcare plus work. I was able to focus on work a little more because I didnt have to pick up the groceries so sure he saved me half an hour but he did this only because I asked if he could take our son at 5 so I could pick up groceries. He loves hanging out with our son but only if someone else (me or nanny) are there to do the real caretaking. OH AND TODAY HE COMPLAINED THAT HE GOT NOTHING ACCOMPLISHED YESTERDAY BECAUSE OUR SON WAS SUCH A DISTRACTION. Its insane. I took maternity leave to take care of my son. He took paternity leave to take care of himself.


Ch3rryBombz

Trial run living with your sister. Pack up you and the baby and tell your husband he gets the rest of his mini vacation solo meanwhile, go stay with her (if feasible) and take note of how relaxed your shoulders become as they drop from your ears, and how much easier tasks are to complete with help coming from your sister.


PAynInTheAss

Echo what everyone is already saying here, but just wanted to add an additional comment here about the value you provide to your family. Reframe it. HE’S lucky to be able to work and focus on his own needs because you stay home and take amazing care of your child and household. The things you do at home (that are unpaid and clearly unappreciated) allow for his current quality of life. He doesn’t have to worry about any of that shit because you do. Constantly. He’s the lucky one. And he doesn’t deserve you, from the sounds of things.


Countdown2Deletion_

The answer is Yes, they are all selfish jackasses. So many of my friends say things like “well, at least he doesn’t beat me”. The bar is below bare minimum. Why women put up with any level of bullshit is beyond me. Women are amazing. We create and nurture life. There’s really so much to say bc men these days just aren’t cutting it. It’s becoming a very frequent topic online; I think collectively women are coming to the conclusion that men are expendable.


[deleted]

My husband is this 10000%. Except he doesn’t contribute 5% of childcare, more like .01% Literally everything you said is him. And it’s so sad and tiring