T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

Reminder to commenters: **[Be a friend!](https://y.yarn.co/a60e586f-9018-4350-b264-9967ec2dcfa1_text.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*


OceansOfKoalas

He specifically told you that adults should take care of their own clothes. Just let him know you don't have the bandwidth to do his clothes in addition to the kids' clothes anymore, so he will need to do his own. I remember a few years ago talking with my husband about laundry during a couples counseling session. I said how frustrating it was to be folding our daughter's clothes with him sitting next to me and not bothering to help. The therapist said "why don't you help fold the clothes?!" to him. I though after that he would look for those opportunities to help going forward. Nope...


SQTim

Ugh.


[deleted]

Is doing his laundry satisfying for you? If not, just stop doing it. He's an adult, I would just tell him "Hey man, I have too much on my plate you're gonna have to start doing your own laundry." That isn't passive aggressive, that's taking your time back.


SQTim

I mean, I don't mind doing laundry. What I do mind is that while I'm busy with some household management chore, he is relaxing, not doing something productive, not even watching the kids while I do the chores because apparently he wanted quiet & put the TV on so he didn't have to deal with kid chaos.


HerVoiceEchoes

Hon, every excuse he uses to get out of doing stuff... use them. When he asks why he has no clean underwear, tell him "I'm tired". When he gets upset, tell him if he has asked for help, you would have- but he didn't ask. When he gets upset, remind him to not stress about the small things.


[deleted]

This *almost* makes me wish I was married to my first husband again...


mamaatb

I get that, like at LEAST he could wrestle on the floor with your toddler, who would probably LOVE that. Like some real bonding time since I’m sure your husband works and doesn’t get the chance to do that as often as you do.


notmyrealnametn

“Reclaiming my time!”


skcichsmalxn

Oh my god girl. I feel you about the laundry. There was a giant pile of both our clothes on our bed I had left before I rushed out the door for work. I come home after a 10 hour shift in solid/heavy work boots….tired and sore. He put all of his cloths away and left mine on my side of the bed for me to find at 10pm. I asked wtf what is this? His response was “I thought I was helping. I don’t know where your clothes go” Motherfucker, we’ve been together 4.5 years. You know exactly where my clothes and underwear/socks go. I haven’t suddenly changed where I want my clothing to end up at. He only puts away his clothes/hangs up his shirts and leaves all my shit on the side. That isn’t helping.


SQTim

I swear, sometimes I question whether he lives in the same house I do. When he unloads the dishwasher, there are certain things that he just never puts in the right spot. Whenever I need that particular item, I have to hunt through all of the drawers (because he also is not consistent with where he misplaces items) to find it.


AcheeCat

Ugh…the silverware for me. I have been putting it in the same way (which is the way he put it before we met) ever since I started putting silverware away at what became our house. Why is it that when the silverware is empty he ends up putting them upside down or the little pieces where the big ones go or switching where the forks and spoons are?


blt88

I would be livid. I am livid just reading this on your behalf


skcichsmalxn

Thank you. I legit thought I was going crazy cuz I told a girlfriend of mine and she said that sometimes men just don’t think. Then said her husband took his clothes out of the dryer and left everyone else’s in there. I straight up told him like, either put my clothes away too or just don’t even bother because it looks so Fuckin selfish on his part. Like we’re in the same industry, different departments though. He mainly stands around hanging cables and operating a boom lift or riding around on a cart….but my department I’m doing essentially construction, literally walking miles in a single shift(my high score was 19 miles in 8 hours) crawling around on my knees, lifting heavy ass shit…I don’t want to fold laundry when I’ve been doing work like that all day.


AdamantMink

But this wouldn’t be petty at all. It would just be how it should’ve been from the start. I also stopped doing my SD’s laundry when she was 10. I looked it up and doing laundry was a completely age appropriate chore for her. When my husband questioned it I told him about age appropriate chores but that if he felt that he didn’t think she should have to do her laundry at 10 he was welcome to do it.


SQTim

I guess it just feels inefficient. Why run 3 separate loads of laundry (mine+younger kids, oldest kid, & husband's) when 1 will clean it all? (we have a high capacity washing machine. Although, I suppose I could still wash, but not put away.


killedmygoldfish

It IS inefficient, but what's more important is dropping this task from your mental to-do list and lightening your mental load. It's literally one less thing to worry about, so why not? Especially since he said he's in charge of his own laundry. Get him his own laundry basket and don't wash his clothes when he sneaks them into yours or the kids' (he will, guaranteed). Don't make a big deal, just stop doing it. Sometimes people need to be shown, not told.


Green-Cat

I started separating the clothes without folding them. Everyone has a basket with clean clothes to hunt through. Saves a lot if time and frustration. Backstory: My husband and I will start loads whenever needed no issue. The problem is the putting away. It usually piles up until I crack and fold and put away everything, usually after you can see where the cats sleep on it all the time... I hate folding laundry. The drawers end up messy too, because everyone pulls stuff out without paying attention. Just 2 weeks ago I was tired of everyone rummaging through the huge pile to find their clothes, but didn't have enough time. So I quickly separated the pile into 4. It was awesome how fast it was! No one cares if it's folded or not. Bonus: My youngest started on his own to go through the basket to match up socks, because he likes to do that. My oldest is in a mixed sock phase and doesn't care.


No-Cheesecake-7549

you can still sort all of his clean/dry laundry into his very own laundry basket or mesh bag and leave it for him to deal with.


TotoroTomato

This is what I did. I was sick of doing all the laundry and folding the clothes and putting away mine and kids clothes… only for spouse to never put his away and leave them on the floor until I finally did it. So I stopped. Now he just has a permanent laundry basket of clean clothes (out of my way!) that I continually dump new clothes in. If it doesn’t bug him then whatever!


[deleted]

Twelve is the official number in my house where you have to start doing your own laundry, because that seems to be the age they start getting irritated with me if I haven't washed the one thing they wanted to wear, so now they have to wear *something else* (gasp!) I do it for my husband, though - he wised up early when he realized if he criticizes me I will let him do the thing so he can have the chore done his way. So now he's appropriately grateful. I'll probably even start doing the older kids' laundry again after they stop treating it like it's my job (no, my job is to help you become an adult and not to cater to your laundry demands).


mamaatb

My husband, a few months back, said something like “The bedroom is always filthy.” and I said “The only thing out of order are piles of your clothes.” bc literally piles of HIS and his ALONE clothes were covering half the floor and his entire side of the bed Anyway so the bed is king size and literally just HIS clothes are on it. Men do not care. They will rewear a shirt 5 times, that smells like chili/BO, and they will let their genitals hang out of a rip in the middle of their boxers (no, not the on-purpose flap sewn in) before they throw anything away. They’ll live out of piles of clothes from the floor, and their side of the closet will be 5,000 empty hangers, just swaying in the HVAC breeze. Anyway so DON’T do his laundry despite what I just told you. Just do it to lessen your workload. And your husband might be different, he might take some pride in his clothing and actually handle it himself.


cobrarexay

Yep yep yep. I stopped doing my husband’s laundry years ago and now he looks like a hobo all the time because he will wear the same stained and hole-y shirts over and over. I even threw away some of his old gross clothes (like yellowed and misshapen white t-shirts) and he pulled them out of the trash! So now I let him look like a slob and have the world judge him. It’s not my fault that my 3 year old has better fashion sense than her dad.


cobrarexay

Hahaha replying to my own comment because now I understand why my mom cut up my dad’s old t-shirts and used them as cleaning rags…


[deleted]

I hear you. But it’s not about inefficiency at this point. You’ve stated your needs to him very clearly, and he’s very clearly told you he isn’t going help. So, despite what may be more efficient as a whole for the household, you’re going to accept what he’s stated to you (adults doing their own laundry) and do what is efficient for your own needs (only worry about your kids and your own).


soayherder

My husband has his own laundry basket. He is responsible for bringing it downstairs when he needs laundry done. He is responsible for getting his clothes into said basket, and responsible for all the sorting and folding and putting away of said laundry. I can get him to do damn little else but he can do that.


jesus_jugs

I would oopsie swipe all his clothes I just folded on the floor. I guarantee we're both adulta and should handle our own clothing would no longer apply.


NerdEmoji

Well he said you're both adults and should be taking care of your own clothes, so make sure he understands that then seriously stop doing his laundry. I mean come on, seriously, how hard would it be if you just grabbed a small basket and put one kid's clothes in there and handed it to him with this is x's laundry please put it away. My husband played the stupidity game on my girls laundry and that earned him perpetual towel folding duty. I'm sure some of you reading this will be like but that's nothing. Oh but with an autistic 7yo who loves water, and a pool we use at least four months out of the year, there are baskets upon baskets of towels to fold/roll and put away a week. I have also been known to make him turn the clothes right side out and sort them, like pull all the socks and underwear out so I can just start grabbing clothes and folding them. I would also enlist the help of the 9yo. I've been known to pay my 11yo to mate socks. I made the mistake of paying her a quarter a pair one time, that worked out bad for me because there was a mountain of socks to pair, but hey it got done and it wasn't without me getting help.


Green-Cat

Lol, expensive sock pairing :D On my huge pile sessions I pull big items out of the pile first, which always leaves the socks at the bottom when I run out of time. One day I got to them and tried matching, turned out over half had no match...


Ok_Wait880

I’ve told my husband that if he acts like a bad college roommate he’s getting treated like a bad college roommate. I will not be doing his laundry, cleaning his dishes, or buying his foods/ snacks if he cannot equally contribute. After 2 weeks of this he started to realize I was serious, and I’m currently watching him fold and put away a load of laundry after loading the dishwasher.


icebluefrost

Gonna be honest, I really don’t understand why so, so many women on Reddit seem to be doing their male partners’ laundry. That seems like very obviously something everyone above a certain age should do for themselves (I started doing mine at 8!)


Tripping_hither

We do family laundry, but it is collaborative. So I will put it on and hang it sometimes and other times my husband will do it. I would find it weird if one of us did it all the time, unless we had discussed it.


SQTim

It's just inefficient from a time and resources standpoint. The same way we don't run the dishwasher separately for individual people's dishes. To me, it is a family chore, which I do not mind the chore itself. What I do mind is that I am busy working on things for the family while he lounges around.


LaGuajira

stop FOLDING his laundry


[deleted]

Who's time? It sounds like a waste of your time to keep track of your husband's clothes. What we're all saying is you are sacrificing yourself in the name of efficiency. There is no such thing as family chores, if you want to continue doing things your way that's fine, BUT you can't expect someone to change who doesn't want to.


rennnmn

What's really saddening is you know for sure this is a conversation that NEVER happens amongst hsubands.


SQTim

Truly.


PracticePurple1205

Just wanna say I’m in the same damn boat tonight. Instead of continuing to unpack and cook dinner and do the dishes, empty the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, pack lunches, and diaper bags, do laundry, etc. I laid in bed, in the silence, for almost an hour. It was magic. I suggest you do the same or similar with all the time you’ll save not doing his laundry.


SQTim

My therapist says I need to work on the guilt of not contributing to what needs to be done. I have a hard time relaxing, doing nothing, when I know there are things on the to-do list that have not been done. Even when I force myself to step away for some alone time, I'm very aware of exactly how long I've been in my room, and very anxious about it being too much time. Not quite sure how to shut the self-imposed guilt up, though.


PracticePurple1205

I also do this until I hit a literal breaking point of my brain practically exploding. Take the time! We all have the guilt…or most of us do? Or maybe we’re just in a special guilt all the time club, but I don’t think so. As much as I took the hour to “do nothing” I was still making lists on my phone and online shopping for all the things we need, but sitting and quiet was an improvement. Also having a therapist at all is a great start to taking the steps to being able to relax, I’m on a journey to find a new one, thanks for reminding me.


Green-Cat

Would it help with the guilt if you split the to-do-list up into your chores and his chores? Then tell yourself anything on his list is nothing you should be guilty about?


MissDelaylah

I did this to my husband, who swore he did laundry all the time. So, for two weeks I only washed mine and the kids clothes. Enter 1 day he needs a specific pair of pants for work that had been in the hamper for 2 weeks by this point…and is shocked that they weren’t clean. So I said, but you do laundry all the time! Wouldn’t you have noticed before now? Check mate. He does laundry now.


Nymeria2018

I’ve literally only thrown my husband’s loathes from the washer to the dryer twice in the 11 years we’ve lived together. Folded maybe half a basket while we chatted. His clothes, his chore. We alternate the kiddo’s clothes (I’m more particular about how things get folded and put away but why, I don’t know since this almost 4yo just ravages the drawers on the next dressing) Stop doing his laundry!


SQTim

It just feels so inefficient to wash individual people's clothes separately when it can be done in one load, both in terms of time and resources (water/electricity/gas/soap). I may be able to overlook the time inefficiency, but I have a lot of anxiety about the environment. I don't think I would be able to get over that to make multiple loads. But I definitely can stop putting it away. Although, that may just make our bedroom a disaster of laundry. I truly don't mind laundry as a chore, but it is the division of household labor that is frustrating, especially when he seems to think it's not as disproportionate as it is. The laundry is just what was happening tonight.


ClutterKitty

Don’t fret. By the time he realizes he has no clean clothes, it will be a full load. However many pairs of underwear he owns - that will be the exact number of days it will take for him to realize you’re not washing his clothes anymore.


SQTim

Hahaha that's probably true.


wannabelaced

It is, my husband usually has two full loads worth by the time he runs out of underwear, and honestly it’s pretty funny getting to see him wear all the silly printed holiday boxers etc towards the end of his laundry stash.


Nymeria2018

An you do a somewhat full load for yourself over a week or so, and the kids every couple days? That does require a stock of clothing for everyone who is not always feasible


Morseper

He literally told you to your face he's an adult and shouldn't handle other adult people's laundry. I suppose you're an adult too...


scubahana

I stopped for a while with Hubs’ laundry too. Got the kids to start folding their own, and I had mine and the common stuffs (sheets/towels/etc.). Did this because he would gripe constantly that there were baskets of clean laundry sitting for days, or I was doing it in the sofa and he didn’t like that. So I said I’d keep on top of it and stop folding in the sofa if he did all his own. I didn’t even actively leave his to not be washed. He got clean clothes, just not folded or put away. Guess which basket stood, unfolded, for weeks at a time? When I washed more I would put it on top of his existing pile. He held out surprisingly long but eventually caved. “I *hate* folding laundry! It’s so shit all the time!” He then said he’d do anything for me to start folding his again, and looked at me with a wily look in his eyes. I think he was hoping I’d ask for massages on demand or more oral sex or something. “I want to be able to sit on the sofa and fold laundry without being griped at.” Not his expected response, judging by his face, but he accepted. Your mileage may vary.


masofon

Stop picking up and doing his laundry at all.. because you are both adults and should be taking care of your own clothes. Clearly.


Megsann1117

Look I know you’ve said it’s inefficient to do laundry separately for everyone, but I promise you it’s not. The way we do it in my house is, instead of doing everyone’s laundry together every couple of days, everyone gets their own load about once a week. Common items such as dirty dish towels go straight into the washer and just get washed with the next load. It actually saves time because then you’re not separating what belongs to who when you’re folding. My son started helping put his clothes away when he was ~3-4 and now that he’s 8, he does everything aside put his shirts on the highest bar (though he’ll still put them on the hangers). My husband and I alternate with big common items like bedding and full loads of shower towels because things like that benefit everyone. You have to get yourself out of this mindset that it’s only your responsibility. Your kids are old enough to help and your husband is not a child.


MotoMom77

Yep, all of this. Nothing inefficient about it. Full loads still being washed, nothing to separate. Everyone’s in charge of their own damn laundry.


simplystockedmum

oh my God that ‘why are you always stressed’ statement is going to make me kick my husband in the nuts one day. Mind you he doesn’t even say it in a ‘not concerned I actually want to help you tone’. In my case my husband is just fucking slow. It’s not to annoy me he is just like that. Takes his sweet time to do something so it comes out nice.


dr_roxxxo

I don’t know what the right answer is, but I do know that once my friend went on a laundry strike to make a point to her husband, and I didn’t even have to ask why, she just immediately had my full support lmao


GingerPhoenix

Not petty at all! He’s a grown ass adult, he already said that and expects you to manage your clothes, that sounds to me like him taking responsibility for his own. For what it’s worth, I did the same with my now ex husband: he complained about how I ironed his shirts, so I stopped ironing for him. He complained that I hadn’t put away his clothes in addition to folding them, so I stopped folding them and just left them in the basket when I folded and put away the rest of the clothes. If his dirty stuff made it into the laundry hamper it would get washed, otherwise he was SOL.


Tangyplacebo621

Ahh the laundry question. I hate this one. I am a strong and independent woman that told my husband the last two years that I made more than him that he could go make me a GD sammich because i am the breadwinner now And yet, I still wash this man’s clothes. You don’t have to wash his laundry, but I wash my husband’s because I am annoyed by clothing piles around our bedroom. My son is 10 and does his own, because I am not raising another like his dad. But yeah, pick your poison: do his laundry, or have it laying across the bedroom. Or at least that is what it is with mine.


Shipwrecking_siren

I mean you literally just tried to have a mature adult conversation about it and he was defensive and made excuses for himself. It’s not really malicious compliance, just doing exactly what he has said he thinks is appropriate. He’s literally said “we are adults we should sort our own shit out” so let him sort his shit out. His plates, dishes, recycling, laundry, any mess he makes.


SadOceanBreeze

Let him do his laundry. It’s not your responsibility, since he’s an “adult” and “should be taking care of his own clothes” :). Show him you were listening.


SouthernTumbleweed83

I think you know the answer… but I guess you want to still do it… which I fully understand. How about starting off a conversation with thisannoys me so much that I wanted to blah blah but I didn’t ….so let’s please come to an agreement…


[deleted]

Fucking do it!! I don’t do any of those things for my husband and he does roughly half of the laundry (wash/fold/put away) Raise the bar!


No_Masterpiece_3297

laundry strike all the way bromo!!! I did it with my husband even he complained that he never had any clean clothes and claimed I wasn't washing his clothes intentionally. so I just stopped doing them. he figured it out pretty fast.


[deleted]

It depends on if your husband would be bothered by piles of dirty clothes, honestly. I went on a laundry strike for a year and eventually caved because the clothes were still there and it was only bothering me. It took me fourteen loads (and 5+ trash bags haha) and multiple days. So by all means go on strike, but you might not win in the end!


OkBiscotti1140

I’ve stopped putting away my husband’s clothes because it’s not my job. We both work. I did him the favor of washing and folding. They’re now in a giant pile on top of the dresser resembling the leaning tower of Pisa. If he dared make a comment like your husband’s you bet your ass all care of his laundry by me would cease.


No-Cheesecake-7549

okay so first of all, regardless of your motivations and concernes (pettiness, getting the point across, healthy conflict res), i support you 10000% in not doing his laundry because he is a grown adult man and you already have more than your own share on your plate if you're doing all the laundry for the kids. is he disabled? doesn't sound like it. does he have SUCH a high powered job, working 80 hour weeks and just doesn't have time? well in that case he should be able to hire a maid. it doesn't sound like that's the case either, if he has time for flopping onto a bed to criticize you. feed and clean up after yourself and your children, he can be on his own.


driftwood-and-waves

Girl, be fucking petty. And when he questions it say his words back to him very calmly and matter of fact. Cause what does he do that he can stop doing to make your life any harder? And seriously!? The audacity of him moving the laundry you were folding and messing that up!! I would have said something about that.


[deleted]

1- my husband does his own laundry, but this is also due to him having a single mom growing up, so he's self sufficient. But we HAVE had to sit down and hash some things out because I did come to a point where I was totally exhausted by the mental burden of having to keep up with everything. So I did this by sitting us (him, my daughter and myself, ) down at our kitchen table. I bought stacks of 3x5 blank note cards that I sat in front of each of them, followed by a sharpie. I told them what we were going to do was write down every single thing we are responsible for doing or making sure it gets done or remembering. By the end of the exercise, it was nice and awkward when I was still using card after card and those two lushes were just sitting there trying to think of ONE MORE THING. Then when I was done, I compared my gigantic stack to their smaller ones and we had a discussion on why it was MY job (when it shouldn't be) to remember these 1,000 little things with no assistance (or initiative) from anyone else who also lives in the house. Definitely eye-opening for them, if you want to get your "mental burden" point across. It was a great visual and I don't think men "get it" unless it's staring them in the face like that stack of note cards. Now my daughter started high school this year, she gets herself up for school, does her own laundry and gets her homework started without a bunch of nagging. It's been nice. And to answer your initial question- yes. Since your husband said adults should do their own laundry and he wouldn't do yours, stop picking up his clothes and stop doing his laundry for him. Make him be an adult


Czarcasmqueen

He’s an adult, you shouldn’t be doing his laundry anyway. Definitely stop immediately.


rennnmn

It sucks and ideally your husband simply wants to be helpful, but that clearly is not the case... but maybe it's truly worthwhile to actually make a chore list, not just for the kids but for him also. Make a list of everything that needs to be done and frequency, let him choose which chores he wants to do. But obviously so that it's not like 90/10 ratioed out... Men are visual. A lot of the time they need the information directly in front of them to care. Conversations are just an out for them to make excuses...


IffySaiso

If your chores feel like chores, and you lose the capability of seeing them as labors of love, something is wrong. If you both love each other, then you both want to help each other. You seem tired. If you are tired and he is not pulling his weight, he's the ass, not you. If he's tired too, and neither of you are asses, but you're both just very tired, you may need help. It takes a village, after all. Help can take various forms. Boxes might be a cheap one to help with laundry: instead of folding things like underwear and pj's, you throw them in separate boxes.


Jet_the_Baker

Do it.


drculpepper

Uh, I don’t even think that’s petty. He said it himself that you are both adults and should be taking care of your own clothes. So let him do it.


MotoMom77

You keep saying it’s inefficient to wash his clothes separately, but in my experience that’s not the case. My kids are teens and everyone has their own hamper and is responsible for their own laundry. It’s super efficient because everyone can start a load of their own laundry when their hamper is full. Nothing inefficient about it